Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Short Father Christmas
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests
asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a!@#%*e,
it's three o'clock in the morning!"

[thedrifter]

What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."

At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions."

SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 133
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

[thedrifter]

Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[thedrifter]

Making a bet at a bar
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 09
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 95
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

Trust everybody...then cut the cards.

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Two heads are more numerous than one.

[thedrifter]

Purchasing furniture
I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

[thedrifter]

Learning Chinese terms
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

[thedrifter]

Stupid people awards
The 2000 Darwin awards!

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 16
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests

[thedrifter]

Chatting on the plane
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

[thedrifter]

Eskimos and weevils
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

[thedrifter]

Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

[thedrifter]

Rating your Christmas parties
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."

[kmjb]

A sailor and a Flyboy are drivin down a dirt road and they come to a pig with his head stuck in a fence and the flyboy pulls over and says man this could be fun.... The sailor goes hell no it wont and stays in the truck While the flyboy proceeds to get out..... The flyboy walks over to the pig and starts goin to town... halfway through to sailor gets out and says ya this could be fun and sticks his head in the fence.

[thedrifter]

Are you talking to me?
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 134
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

[thedrifter]

Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[thedrifter]

Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[thedrifter]

A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 10
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

[thedrifter]

A quote on marriage
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

[thedrifter]

Lawyers get robbed
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

[thedrifter]

The strange Christmas scene
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'

[Ed Palmer]

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shxts you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[yellowwing]

IN THE BEGINNING...

In The Beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Food", and said "it is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the beautiful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created fast-food restaurants with 99-cent double cheeseburgers; then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.......and Satan smiled as he created HMOs.

[Phantom Blooper]

An Avon lady just finished making her presentation in an executive complex late in the day. She carried a brief case with some samples and brochures.

She got onto the empty elevator and was on her way down from the 32nd floor when she surprised herself by farting loudly. She was quite embarrassed and quickly started searching her case for an air freshener when she found, to her relief, an evergreen fragrance. She thoroughly spritzed the elevator and was sighing with relief when the elevator stopped at the 12th floor.

A well dressed executive gentleman entered the elevator and quietly stood next to the Avon lady as the doors closed and the elevator once again descended. She noticed that the gentleman started to sniff, sampling the air with a puzzled look on his face.

Figuring this would be the ideal field test of the new product just released into the elevator air she asked " Is there something wrong sir?".

The gentleman still with a puzzled look on his face replied, "Well....it's a weird smell in the air".

The Avon lady then asked eagerly, "What does it smell like?".

The gentleman gave it a moments thought and replied frankly, "Well, it smells like someone $hit under the Christmas tree!"




:)

[Sgted]

Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!

[garryh123]

:lick:

Bar Games for Bastards
Devil Rum’s Advocate
Sit at the bar and wait for someone to voice an opinion about something, anything—sports, religion, politics, the weather, whatever. Immediately pick an argument with him, even if your position is diametrically opposite to your actual beliefs. It’s really quite exhilarating, especially when your opponent states an opinion he believes utterly safe and widely held, making your counter-stance completely ridiculous and indefensible. For example, if your victim says Benito Mussolini was a nasty person, inform him you are in fact a card-carrying Blackshirt and we’d all be happier if Benito were in charge. March up and down while shouting, “At least he made the trains run on time!” If your victim speaks poorly of rain-forest destruction, announce that you are going to personally fly to Brazil to hack-and-slash as much vegetation as possible. Why? Because a rubber tree fell over and crushed your dad when you were a kid and you must have your sweet revenge. Or tell him you believe the faster humanity destroys the environment the faster we can build cool Battlestar Galactica-style colony ships and cruise the universe looking for alien chicks. You must speak with absolute, infatiguable fanaticism and never give in. You may get in a fistfight but, hey—you said you wanted excitement, right?

[Phantom Blooper]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than other people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Upon interviewing for the iron ore mines, the foreman told the Old hillbilly he first had to take a math test. The foreman felt pretty sure the he would fail. Here 's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The hillbilly says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw
three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
mountain man
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The old hick stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree." 'Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this hay seed, so
he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the
number 100."
The plow jockey stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, " 'Ere you
go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The hillbilly leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree, and says, "A little dog come along and took a dump by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, which makes one hundred..... So when I start?"

[thedrifter]

Free haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God?s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 139
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...

[thedrifter]

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[thedrifter]

I have a magical dancing duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[thedrifter]

Don't be on this flight
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 11
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

[thedrifter]

Bragging about Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

[thedrifter]

Rookie is on the job
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

[thedrifter]

Researching this insect
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

[thedrifter]

The Australian Christmas
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

[stivo]

Semper Fi SSGT!

[Phantom Blooper]

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss The Amazing Goldstein."

Curious, he buys a ticket. He goes in and finds a seat. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Jewish man. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, And he smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and he smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

[femalemarine_89]

LOL.. too cool... thanks for sharing

[Phantom Blooper]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window
seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General,
United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped
smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both
judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Sergeant Major, United
States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons . . . both generals."




:marine::) :marine:

[thedrifter]

Lawyers on a flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

[thedrifter]

He is a very fast drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 12
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen.

[thedrifter]

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

[thedrifter]

The problems with golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

[thedrifter]

An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

[thedrifter]

Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

[thedrifter]

A quote on marriage
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

[thedrifter]

Glossary of music terms
Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."

Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

Clausula: Mrs. Santa.

Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.

Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.

Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

[thedrifter]

Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

[thedrifter]

Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

[thedrifter]

Short Christmas Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: FW: Stoned








A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."



So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.



He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!



The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

[Ed Palmer]

The Story of My Life ..




When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.



When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.



When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.

[DSchmitke]

Why We Love Childrem

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pi$$ed in it's ear and it didn't move." answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know."explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move.'

[DSchmitke]

More why we love children

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five miinutes later.... "Da-ad....."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?".

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later, "Da-aaaad...."

"What?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaaad...."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me , can you bring adrink of water?"

[Ed Palmer]

>Now you know everything!!!!
>The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood
>plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7)
>times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
>You burn more calories sleeping than you do
>watching television.
>Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are
>fifty (50) years of age or older.
>The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
>The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
>American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from
>each salad served in first-class.
>Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
>Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you
>up in the morning.
>Most dust particles in your house are made from
>
>dead skin.
>(No wonder my house is so DUSTY!)
>The first owner of the Marlboro Company
>died of lung cancer.
>So did the first "MarlboroMan."
>Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
>Pearls melt in vinegar.
>The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
>Budweiser, in that order.
>It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
>Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
>six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from
>the flush.
>
>(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
>
>
>Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president
>
>whose name contains all the letters
>
>from the word "criminal."
>
>The second?
>
>William Jefferson Clinton.
>(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
>And the best for last.....
>Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>(I know some people like that; don't YOU?)
>
>
>Now you know everything
>
>there is to know.

[thedrifter]

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a ******* joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those ****ing birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their ******* cows! There's **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey ****head:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen ****head:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Fw: Real Cowboys

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,
working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay,
doctoring
calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I
think about
women. When I watch TV,I think about women. I even think about
women when I
eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."


The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboyand
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was,but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

[thedrifter]

Get money to heaven
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can?t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[thedrifter]

A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 166
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

[thedrifter]

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[thedrifter]

Fear of bombs on planes
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

[thedrifter]

A bet made at the local bar
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

[thedrifter]

A blind man in a store
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 13
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

[thedrifter]

Alice is in UNIX land
"Can you help me? asked Alice.

"No," said Negative.

"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.

"No," said Negative.

She pointed the other way.

"Yes," said Positive.

Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.

Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.

"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."

"Nroff?" asked the Frog.

The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"

"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.

Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.

"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.

"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."

A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.

"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.

"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"

"Awk," said the Frog.

"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."

"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."

"Penix," suggested a Penguin.

"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"

Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.

"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."

Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.

Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Rem," is said, "edlin."

Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
"Alice in UNIX land" was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989

[thedrifter]

Diplomat wants water
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

[thedrifter]

Mariah Carey's quote
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.

[thedrifter]

Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

[thedrifter]

He is extremely drunk
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

[thedrifter]

Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Will Rogers


> Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
> probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy
> the following:
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
>
>
>
>
>
> 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
>
>
>
>
>
> 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
>
>
>
>
>
> 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
>
>
>
>
>
> 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
> your pocket.
>
>
>
>
>
> 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few
> who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric
> fence and find out for themselves.
>
>
>
>
>
> 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
> judgment.
>
>
>
>
>
> 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
> then to make sure it's still there.
>
>
>
>
>
> 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.
>
>
>
>
>
> 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
> roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral:
>
> When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
>
>

[Ed Palmer]

More from Will Rodgers


ABOUT GROWING OLDER..
>
>
>
>
>
> First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
> age and start bragging about it.
>
>
>
>
>
> Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.
>
>
>
>
>
> Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
> people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of
> the roads weren't paved.
>
>
>
>
>
> Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
> think of Algebra.
>
>
>
>
>
> Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
> leaks.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
>
>
>
>
>
> Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is
> such a nice change from being young.
>
>
>
>
>
> Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
>
>
>
>
>
> Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
>
>
>
>
>
> Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
> called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
>
>
>
>
>
> And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
> anything to laugh at when you are old.

[Sgted]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with
An oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and
still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask,
"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,
"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her
other hand and takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice but listen very, very closely

- - - are.......... my...........test..........results..........back?

[garryh123]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DRUNK:


Your liver is in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

You enjoy cooking with wine, and sometimes you even put it in the food.

You’ve only been drunk once in your life, and so far it’s lasted twenty-three years.

You liver has a restraining order on you.

You can tell the difference between a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Jim by the sound they make hitting the back of your head.

Alcoholism doesn’t run in your family—it takes its own sweet time.

You’ve been cut off during communion.

You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.

Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.

You miss the old days when you were younger than the cop that finds you sleeping in a dumpster.

You were excited about the Olsen twins turning “legal” until you realized they still aren’t old enough to buy you a drink.

You resent it when people call you a raving alcoholic, because you’ve never been to a rave in your life.

[thedrifter]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 141
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

[thedrifter]

Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program

[thedrifter]

What causes people to have arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 14
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.

[thedrifter]

Application rejections
Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

[thedrifter]

Did Santa Give You That Present?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.


The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

[Ed Palmer]

12 THINGS TO DO IN WALMART WHILE YOUR HONEY IS TAKING THEIR OWN SWEET
TIME...


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
house wares......and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.

11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"

And last but not least.................

12. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"


MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

The Supreme Court said that there would be no Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this year. This is not
for religious or constitutional reasons. They simply had been
unable to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.





There was no problem however in finding enough asses to fill the stable

[thedrifter]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 142
Thank you for calling the Smith residence. Our operators are presently on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball. Please leave a message.

[thedrifter]

The plane is crashing into the ocean
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

[thedrifter]

You can't bring that dog in this bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 21
Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 104
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.

You can't fall off the floor.

You can't get here from there.

You can't guard against the arbitrary.

You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.

You can't push a rope.

You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

[thedrifter]

Newfie goes skydiving
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?

[thedrifter]

Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

[thedrifter]

Sick of the Holidays
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You're serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies

2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash

[thedrifter]

What will you do for golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 151
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

[thedrifter]

Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[thedrifter]

The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 20
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 32
Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Say no, then negotiate.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.

Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)

Self starters...will not.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

[thedrifter]

Using nails on a house
These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

[thedrifter]

Dealing with a lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

[thedrifter]

Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

[thedrifter]

Go give us a donation
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

[thedrifter]

Eating the piece of fruit
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[thedrifter]

A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.

[Ed Palmer]

THANK YOU FOR YOUR E-MAILS

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet
dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid
number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogen they contain will
turn me green.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospi! tal (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I
will now return the favor.

If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM
tomorrow afternoon I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of a friend of a friend.

[Sgted]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she goes over to the register.

There's a Wal-Mart employee standing there with sunglasses on.

She says, "Excuse me, sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything about it." She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."


He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down
to get her purse and farts. At first she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know that it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

[thedrifter]

Subject: Fwd: Official Visit of LtGen Santa Claus
TO: ALL Marines
FROM: Goode, U. B., Commanding Officer
RE: Operation Order 12-15-04 for: Official Visit of LtGen Santa Claus


1. An official staff visit by LtGen Claus is expected at your house on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Young Marines, during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Marines may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, Utility woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 2130. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
c. Personnel will utilize standard "MRE" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "MRE" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.
d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1st Sgts will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800, 24 Dec. All GySgts will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.
e. At first sign of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-98 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SNCOs and NCOs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in house prior to the start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The Company GySgt will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.
g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LtGen Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator’s license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."


2. LtGen Claus will initially enter house through the Company Office. All houses without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.


3. All SNCOs and NCOs will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each Company GySgt. Semper Fidelis,


GOODE, U. B.,
Commanding Officer

[killer1on1]

its not really a chuckle or anything.....but one of my good buddies over here in japan got me with this! ill put it out there and see how everyone else responds to it!
If a man is walking through the desert on a sunny day and no wind.....cant get any better of a day!
when the man turns around why cant he see his footprints??

just think about it...its easier than you think!
Semper Fi!

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

British Left Waffles on Falkland islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

[thedrifter]

A golf club visits a local bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

[thedrifter]

There is a blind man here to see you
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blond jokes
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 20
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 102
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

[thedrifter]

Computer help stories
This article is from the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994: Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Llines, and No Qquestion Seems To Be Too Basic

AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.

Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language.

"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.

The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."

Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.

And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.

Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.

Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background

There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.

"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.

[thedrifter]

Question and answer
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

[thedrifter]

Ultra dumb people 02
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 89
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.

Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb in or not!

Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his lightbulb to Iran.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

[thedrifter]

The resume bloopers
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

[thedrifter]

How fast was I going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 79
You might be a reneck if...

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.

Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.

You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.

You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.

The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.

Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.

[thedrifter]

A very faithful woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

[thedrifter]

Did Santa give you that present?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

[Sgted]

Did I say something wrong?

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Phantom Blooper]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.


The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting
license.The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck.This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,"You tell me, you're the expert."














:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $10 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $10 bill on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son-of-a-B*tch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

I'm sorry father, but that's what it’s called, really...now help me land this Son-of-a-B*tch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son-of-a-B*tch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a... big... Son-of-a-B*tch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son-of-a-B*tch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son-of-a-B*tch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's ok, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son-of-a-B*tch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that... big... Son-of-a-B*tch?"

"Why, eat it, of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son-of-a-B*tch."

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son-of-a-B*tch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son-of-a-B*tch." she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing, Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son-of-a-B*tch for the Pope's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no. It's called a Son-of-a-B*tch fish. Really."

"Oh, well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Son-of-a-B*tch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning it."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an exquisite meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son-of-a-B*tch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son-of-a-B*tch!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son-of-a-B*tch using a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them...

Then, slowly a big, sly smile slowly crept across his face... "You f*ckers are alright!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive"

"How much?" asked Grandpa, "$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill.

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00 not $110.00."

"I know, the hundred is from Grandma."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down.
There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[thedrifter]

Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 143
Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.

[thedrifter]

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[thedrifter]

Where is this bus going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 05
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

[thedrifter]

Buying your ticket
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

[thedrifter]

Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

[thedrifter]

Try to settle the dispute
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

[thedrifter]

Never say it at work
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

[thedrifter]

Time for the wedding
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

[thedrifter]

Where are you living?
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

[thedrifter]

Ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Mood Changes
You can't read these and stay in a bad mood

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/9463 (http://)

[Ed Palmer]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin
Awards
are
bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners.

Darwin Award Winners:
(This Guy has to Army wanna be)
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and
tried
the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable
mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to
his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one
of its mento have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. Thechef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting
there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter,and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerkpromptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer...$15.(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas.The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

[BigAlHolmes165]

You've all seen those psychic number guessing thingys.

Give this one a try.

http://www.dslextreme.com/users/exstatica/psychic.swf (http://)

[Phantom Blooper]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
the teacher went back to investigate only to find the little boy sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
I did," he said,

And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school.


:)

[Ed Palmer]

ADVICE FROM MEN “FOR” WOMEN
1.if we are out of the room and the TV is on in the Den, it does not mean we are not watching it.

2.Do not tell any of your friends we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one right now.

3.Whenever possible, please say what you want to say during commercials.

4.Please do not DRIVE when you are NOT Driving!

5. When I am turning the wheel and the car is nosing toward the off-ramp saying, “Oh this is not the right exit” is not necessary.

6. When you are not around I belch so loud sometimes I even embarrass myself.

7. It is not in either of our best interest to take the Cosmo Quiz together.

There you go!

[Ed Palmer]

Something for the good folks to think about


HERE COMES THE JUDGE

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and called the ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the Jewish and Christian celebrations and Holidays. The atheists had no holidays to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the cause of the godless and assigned their best lawyers to the case.

The ACLU lawyers gave an impassioned please on behalf of their atheist client, and after listening a long time, the Judge pounded the gavel and said, “Case dismissed.”

The lead ACLU lawyer objected saying, “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas and Easter and many other observances. And the Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, and my client and all other atheists don’t have a single holiday.”

The Judge leaned over and said, “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists’ holiday.”

The ACLU lawyer said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists your honor, just what might that be?”

The Judge said, “Well it comes the same time every year. April 1st. Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53:1 says, the fool in his heart says, there is no God.” J

[Ed Palmer]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE TRAILER TRASH WHEN

Your junior prom had a day care
You light a match in the bathroom and your house explodes off its wheels
One of your kids was born on a pool table
Your toilet paper has numbers on it
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
You think the Unabomber is a Wrestler
You have used the ironing board for a buffet table
You have been too drunk to fish

QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” Herman Wouk
“The man who doesn’t read books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.” Mark Twain
“I would have made a good Pope.” Richard Nixon
“The only reason I took up jogging was so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” Erma Bombeck
“Never eat more than you can lift.” Miss Piggy the Muppet
“Until you walk a mile in another man’s shoes you can’t imagine the smell.” Robert Byrne
“I’ve always been interested in people, but I have never liked them.” Somerset Maugham

[Ed Palmer]

Many people are in shape. Round is a shape.

·Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

·If you have always wanted to be somebody, you should have been more specific.

· Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

· Why are people who drive slower than you idiots and those who drive faster than you maniacs?

· A philosophy is: no pain, no pain.

Peace upon you all!

MORE ALABAMA DRIVING RULES

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right.
Braking should be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures and are not enforceable during rush hour.
It is a tradition to blow your horn at cars that do not move the instant the light changes.

BUMPER STICKERS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

·Save your breath…you will need it to blow up your date

·Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted

·Don’t like my driving? Quit watching

·If you can read this I can slam on my brakes and sue you

Hang up and drive

Welcome to America…Now speak English

There you go!

[Ed Palmer]

QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

· “From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other. Emily Matthews

· “Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them.” Samuel Palmer

· “It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.” Bill Jones

·“And that is the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.” Stan Dunn

·I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” Mahatma Gandhi

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.” Josh Billing


·“Wisdom outweighs any wealth.” Sophocles

[Ed Palmer]

AHHHHHHHHHH THE HOLIDAYS

I love the Christmas Holidays. In Washington, the Republican Christmas tree has beautiful lights. The Democrat Tree is Dark. They don’t have any power in D.C. this year.

The Holidays are special. Millions will endure long lines, security checks, lost luggage and flight delays.(and this came to pass) This is a prelude to the major activity during the holidays; the family argument.

Wal-Mart predicts record sales this Christmas from imports. Mostly illegal immigrants.

The post office has informed me that it will open a Second Window to help handle holiday mail.

CBS says Dan Rather will write an autobiography. He will include some of his most famous stories and reveal the identities of some of his most unreliable sources.

[Ed Palmer]

WORDS OF WISDOM

The wise old Mother Superior was about to die. All the nuns gathered around. She asked for some warm milk. One nun ran to get some and remembered a bottle of Jack Daniels from a previous Christmas. She opened it and poured a bit of the liquor into the warm milk.

The Mother Superior drank a little, and then more until it was all gone.

One nun said, “Mother please, before you go, give us some words of wisdom.”

Mother Superior rose up on one elbow and pointed out the window and said in a calm voice, “Do not sell that Cow.”





QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

“Christmas is not a date, it is a state of mind.”
Mary Ellen Chase

“Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.”
Santa

·I was an unwanted baby. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” Joan Rivers

·“I never met a kid I liked.” W.C. Fields

“I hate quotations.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

·“It is better to have loved and lost than to never have lost at all.” Samuel Butler

· “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” Last words of Pancho Villa

[Ed Palmer]

THE GHOSTS

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the towns people because the ghost that lived there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop by photographing the phantom. When he went into the house with his camera, the ghost descended upon him. The Photographer said, “I mean no harm I just want to take your picture.”

The ghost happy about that and he posed for a number of shots. The happy journalist rushed back to the dark room to develop the pictures. Unfortunately, they were black and underexposed.

The Moral of the story is, “The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.”

[Ed Palmer]

THE PROFESSOR

An English professor at Samford was stopped for speeding. The Trooper asked her why she was speeding? She quoted Robert Frost, “I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.”

The Trooper replied, “But Miss, Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it.”



THE BLONDE

A blonde walked into a pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the clerk for help.

She said, “I would like a box of birdseed.”

The clerk asked, “For which kind of bird?”

She said, “Oh, I don’t know, whichever one will grow the fastest I guess.”


REDWOOD: ALABAMA DRIVING RULES FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Turn signals give away your next move. A real driver does not use them.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is called going with the flow.
The faster you drive through a red light the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. You will get rear-ended.
Remember, the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary. Drive safe Now, ya hear?



QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

· “The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would have to have to live under the laws they have passed.” A citizen

· “The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.” P.B. Madawar

·“Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.”
Oscar Wilde

·Wit is educated insolence.”
Aristotle

·“Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.”
Golda Meir

“If you want to be a dear old lady at age seventy you have to begin at age seventeen.”
Maude Royden

“When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.” William Wrigley, Jr.

[Ed Palmer]

BEING THANKFUL

It is rather ironic on this Thanksgiving to realize that the Native Americans haven’t had anything to be thankful for since the Pilgrims left the Thanksgiving table. The Pilgrims, of course, were very courageous, setting out alone in unknown territory, searching for who knows what? I get the same feeling when I enter the halls of the State Legislature. I am thankful that John Kerry is NOT the President. I am thankful for football games to fill up the day and keep the relatives at bay. I am thankful for the marching bands. I like it when they try to form a giant sweet potato or a turkey on the field. Amusing. The biggest turkeys to me at Thanksgiving and all year are the Democrats and the Republicans. Oh, by the way, I am an ALABAMA FAN but I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving anyway. I personally think that the symbol for Thanksgiving should be a pig and not a Turkey; because of the way most of us sit around and eat all day. But, I hope you are Thankful for everything you have and for the fact that you live in the United States of America. And if you want some real entertainment, come and watch me crave my turkey. I learned my technique from watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Movie. Happy Thanksgiving!

[Ed Palmer]

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT ON New years day Have you ever watched children on a Merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain? Or watched a butterfly fly? Gazed at a sunset? If not, then you had better slow down. Don’t dance so fast. Time is short. The music won’t last. Do you run through each day? When you ask how you are? Do you listen to the reply? When the day is done do you lie in bed with your head in a whirl? You’d better slow down. Don’t dance so fast. Time is short. The music won’t last. Have you ever told your child we’ll do it tomorrow? And in your haste not seen his sorrow? Ever let a good friendship die because you had not time to say hi? You’d better slow down. Don’t dance so fast. Time is short. The music won’t last. When you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, it’s like an unopened gift, thrown away. Life is not a race. So take it slower. Hear the music, before the song is over. J

QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

“Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.” Robert Neville
“It’s better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.” James Thurber
“It’s only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.” Margaret Bonnano
“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Mahatma Gandhi
“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” Johnny Carson
“Gratitude is not only the memory, but the homage of the heart.” N.P. Willis
“If you feel that you have nothing to be thankful for, you need to realize that there is something wrong with you.” Anon

[Ed Palmer]

Christmas HOLIDAY TIPS TO MAKE THE TRIP FUN

Try driving by the Braille system
Try to eat a meat ball hoagie with extra sauce while steering the car.
Let the kids play connect the dots with a magic marker and the love bugs on the windshield.
Pick up a hitch hiker and talk about Evolution vs. Creationism.
Honk your horn and wave at people broken down on the side of the road.
Try to talk the guy at Stuckey’s into leaving work and going with you to Grandma’s house.
Get in front of Big Trucks and slow down.
Go through small towns and drive around the Town Square for hours.

[Ed Palmer]

Miss Ellie this ons for you
Ed

APPLES AND WINE

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and hurting themselves. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.

Men on the other hand are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp on them hard enough until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Ed Palmer]

HOW TO AVOID A SOUTHERN WHUPPIN PART I

1. Never order filet mignon or pasta primavera at a Waffle House.

2. Do not laugh at Redneck names like Clovis, Sissy, Billy Joe, L-D, or Tammy Bob.

3. When you want a soft drink of any kind, say you want a coke.

4. Do not refer to a Bubba as a Redneck; it’ll get you a Whuppin.

5. We ain’t as dumb as you think we are: Fed Ex, Wal-Mart, TNT, MTV, and lots of other businesses were started by Southerners.

6. Do not laugh at a Civil War Monument, and do not complain about the Stone Mountain Carving. Any wise crack will get you a whuppin.

7. We know it is humid here. Go home and don’t complain and turn on your air conditioning.

8. And last but not least A Crow is not a Crow
It is either a Getto Chicken or a Soul chicken , Depending what part of the woods you are from

[Ed Palmer]

ON GOING TO HEAVEN

I was testing the kids in my Sunday school class to see if they understood what Heaven was all about.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, and gave all the money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

The kids all said, “No.”

So I asked, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass and picked up the trash, would that get me into heaven?

The kids all said, “No.”

I then asked, “If I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the kids, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all yelled, “no.”

So then I asked them, “How can I get into Heaven?”

A seven year old yelled out, “ YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

“Nobody likes a man who brings bad news.” Sophocles
“Thanksgiving is good, but thanks living is better.” Anon
“Gratitude is a duty which out to be paid, but which none have a right to expect.” Rousseau
“He who composes himself is wiser than he that composes books.” Ben Franklin
“Not by self-seeking, but by self-sacrifice, not by dodging difficulties, but by overcoming them; not by giving supreme attention to outer things, but to inner worth do men achieve.” Cliff Cole
“If I rest, I rust.” Martin Luther
“The great end of life is not knowledge but action.” Thomas Huxley

[Ed Palmer]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats all your food, uses your phone and your car, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you set it free…You either Married it or gave birth to it. Peace upon you all!

REDWOOD: MORE YOU KNOW YOU ARE A REDNECK IF:

Your Thanksgiving Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your wife.
You let your teenagers smoke at the table in front of their kids.
The person you admire most is Jack Daniels.
You think Dom Perignon is the leader of the Mafia on the Redneck Riviera.
Your senior prom has a daycare.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

QUOTES FROM THE WISE AND OTHERWISE

“A pig bought on credit is always grunting.” A Redneck
“I’m not inefficient. State Policy doesn’t allow me to know what is going on.” A State Employee
“If you don’t laugh, everything goes to your hips.” Dave Petijean
“About the time you learn how to make the most out of life, most of it is gone.” Uncle Mac
“The greatest Humorist in the world is the guy who came up with the phrase, ’12 easy payments.’” Anon
“An American is a citizen who insists on discussing the Constitution, which he has never read.” Anon
“The great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.” Alex Chalmers

[Ed Palmer]

WORDS FROM AUNT BUCK ABOUT WOMEN

· Behind every successful woman is herself.

·A woman is like a tea bag, you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

·Coffee, chocolate and men: Three things that are better rich.

·Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. YOU will not WIN.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

[Phantom Blooper]

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson




And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

[Ed Palmer]

There are two reasons why it is very difficult for the Police to solve a Redneck Murder.

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Ed Palmer]

THE DISCUSSION

Hubby asks, “ Honey, when I die, will you marry again?”

Wife says, “ I am afraid I will. You know I hate to be alone.”

Hubby asks, “Will you let him drive my car?”

Wife says, “Well, I think so.”

Hubby asks, “Will you let him sit in my easy chair?”

Wife says, “I might, and I might let him have your gold watch too.”

Hubby asks, “Will you let him wear my 500-dollar suits?”

Wife says, “ No, He is a lot taller than you.”

[Ed Palmer]

SIGNS YOU ARE SMOKING TOO MUCH

1. The Dr. says turn your head and cough and it takes you 30 minutes.

2. If you cut yourself, smoke comes out.

3. You start to resemble Joe Camel.

4. When you walk into a room you set off the smoke detectors.

5. You’ve accumulated enough Camel Cash to Build the Dome stadium in Birmingham.

6. You burst into flames.

7. People who kiss you say it’s like licking an ashtray.

[Ed Palmer]

REFLECTIONS ON THE ELECTION

1. This Presidential election got so nasty at times I noticed Bush stomped on Kerry’s foot one time when it was still in his mouth.

2. It is fall and you could see the leaves showing their true colors and the candidate’s hiding theirs.

3. The undecided voters had a tough choice; they would look at what the Republicans stand for and decide to vote Democrat. Then they would look at what the Democrats stand for and decide to vote Republican.

4. The way John Kerry flip-flopped on the issues I couldn’t tell if he was running for President or for the International House of Pancakes.

5. A lot of voters gained weight during the election this year from swallowing all that baloney.

6. Generally, if a person lies under oath they call it perjury, but if that person lies during an election they call it campaign promises.

7. I do think that Election Day sales should be held BEFORE an election.

8. It seems good help is hard to find these days and even harder to elect.

9. It is my sincere hope that your Man Won the Election.

10. When it is all said in done, in most elections, the Voters seem to lose in a landslide.

[Ed Palmer]

ATTENTION: NEW WORK VIRUS FOUND

A serious new virus called “The Work” virus has appeared.

If you receive any sort of “work” at all, via email, internet or handed to you by a co-worker, DO NOT OPEN IT!

The “work” virus has been circulating around various businesses for months and if you open it, it could delete your social life and the brain ceases to function properly.

If you see a “work” virus on the internet, drag it to the trash bin.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book that means the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.

[Ed Palmer]

PLASTER OF PARISH

An old church building needed remodeling. During the sermon the preacher made an appeal directly to the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon the rich man stood up and said, “Pastor, I will contribute $5000.”

At that moment, plaster fell from the ceiling and hit the rich man on the shoulder.

He stood back up quickly and said, “Pastor, I want to increase my donation to $10,000.”

Before he could sit down, another hunk of plaster fell on him and he screamed, “Pastor, double my last pledge.”

When he sat down, another hunk of plaster fell on the rich mans head. He stood up and yelled, “Pastor, I pledge $75,000.”

About that time a deacon shouted, “Hit him again Lord, hit him again!”

[Ed Palmer]

MEDICAL TERMS DIXIE DICTION

1. Hippodermic A big fat zoo critter

2. Siezure The Emperor of Rome

3. Fester Name of your Uncle

4. Bronchitis A type of dinosaur

5. Anasthesia A Russian Princess the kids study in school

6. Cat Scan Going out looking for babes

7. G-I Series Re-runs of Gomer Pyle USMC

[Ed Palmer]

THE SPEAKERS NOTE

I attended a dinner party one time, and the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the head table, sent him a piece of paper with the word KISS written on it.

I was seated next to the speaker and I said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."

The speaker said, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for, "KEEP IT SHORT STUPID."

[Ed Palmer]

The teacher was discussing different jobs held by parents of the students. When she called on little Bubba she asked, "What does your Father do?"

Little Bubba said, " Oh he's a Magician."

Teacher said, "Really? What is his best trick?"

Bubba said, "His best one is sawing people in half."

Teacher said, "Wonderful, so are there any other kids in your family?"

Little Bubba, " Yes, I have a half brother and two half sisters."

[Ed Palmer]

BIOLOGY QUIZ TAKEN BY ADVANCED CLASS MID-TERM

The last question was: "Name seven advantages of mother's milk?" Question is worth 80 points or none at all.

One Student who had partied the night before wrote what he could on the seven advantages.

1. It is a perfect formula for the child

2. It provides disease immunity

3. It is always available

4. It is always the right temperature

5. It bonds the child to the mother

6. It is not expensive

7. Comes in a reusable Container

He got an "A".

[Ed Palmer]

A SHORT STORY

A young college student was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class. The instructions were that It had to discuss Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery. The was the only one in the class to get an A+ and this is what she wrote: "Good Lord, I'm with child! I wonder who did it?"

[Ed Palmer]

The scene is a tiny mountain village in remote West Virginia.

An Old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court and custody of the kids was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the Judge that since she brought the kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer wanted custody too.

The Judge asked for his side of the story and after a long time of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from the chair and said, "Judge, when I put 50 cents into a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Who do you think got custody of the kids?

[Ed Palmer]

FROM AN OLD NAVY SEA DOG! SIMULATING THE LIFE OF A SAILOR

· Buy a dumpster, paint it gray, and live in it for six months.

· Repaint your house every month.

· Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

· Raise your bed within six inches of the ceiling.

· Submit a request chit to your spouse asking for permission to leave your house before 3PM.

· Empty all garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day whether it is needed or not.

· Have someone under the age of ten give you a hair cut with sheep shears.

· Go NAVY!

[Ed Palmer]

Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean,

poor and broke,

Take bus,

see employment folk.

Nice man treat me

good in there,

Say I need to

see welfare.




Welfare say,

"You come no more,

We send cash

right to your door."




Welfare checks,

they make you wealthy,

Medicaid it keep

you healthy!




By and by,

I got plenty money,

Thanks to you,

American dummy.




Write to friends

in motherland,

Tell them 'come

fast as you can.'




They come in turbans

and Ford trucks,

I buy big house

with welfare bucks




They come here,

we live together,

More welfare checks,

it gets better!




Fourteen families,

they moving in,

But neighbor's patience wearing thin.




Finally, American

moves away,

Now I buy his house,

and then I say,




"Find more aliens

for house to rent."

And in the yard

I put a tent.




Send for family

they just trash,

But they, too,

draw the welfare cash!




Everything is

very good,

And soon we

own the neighborhood.




We have hobby --

it's called breeding,

Welfare pay

for baby feeding.




Kids need dentist?

Wife need pills?

We get free!

We got no bills!




American crazy!

He pay all year,

To keep welfare

running here.




We think America

darn good place!

Too darn good for

the American race.




If they no like us,

they can scram,

Got lots of room in

Pakistan.

[Ed Palmer]

WHY WHITE?



A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his

mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"


The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the

town that your bride is pure."


The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad,
why are wedding dresses white?"



The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all

household appliances come in white."

[grayshade]

I use ta own a right friendly dog named it 'Lucky', I believe it was a Japanese Chow. Use ta race me on drinkin' down beers. A right good dog, Lucky use ta always beat me, hence tha name.
Well, this past winter was quite a doozy. Used most o' my funds ta get beer before tha big storm, "Storm o' tha century!", papers said.
Well, me an ol' Lucky got our selves snowed in, no one knew where we were at. All we really had left was beer.
That ol' dog was gettin' mighty hungry too.
Days later, neighbors dug out the house, pattin' me on tha back sayin' I was right blessed ta be still alive. All I could say to 'em was, "Yep, it was hard. 'Lucky' I had some Chow around."
:bunny:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring!

The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of
blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly,
it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from his drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles He shakes his
head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first prize.:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

:)

[Ed Palmer]

RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about status symbols of today ... those cell phones that
everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one
so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I
realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age
and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?! " Just once ... I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask, who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write,
"A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older ... then it dawned on me ...
they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just
hoping God grades on the curve.

[Ed Palmer]

La. Judge Suspended for Wearing Blackface
NEW ORLEANS -- A judge who wore blackface makeup, handcuffs and a jail jumpsuit at a Halloween party will be suspended for six months, the Louisiana Supreme Court ruled Monday.

The justices voted 5-2 to suspend Judge Timothy Ellender for a year without pay for dishonoring his position, but to defer half of that penalty. Ellender will lose more than $50,000 in pay, one judge noted.
Ellender, who is white, testified the costumes worn by him and his wife - she was dressed as a policewoman - were meant only as a joke to show he was her prisoner. The party's host, Ellender's brother-in-law, was dressed as Buckwheat.

The justices agreed Ellender did not mean to insult blacks. Nevertheless, they ordered him to take a sociology course "which will assist him in achieving a greater understanding of racial sensitivity."

[Ed Palmer]

Anybody want to buy a Judge


Judge put up for sale on eBay azcentral.com
NEW YORK - When Jerald R. Klein, a Manhattan housing court judge, got a call from a reporter on Sunday morning, he had no idea why he was being bothered at home on the weekend.

He did not know that his face was all over eBay. He did not know that he was for sale.

"What are you talking about?" he said. "Yes, I am a housing court judge. But I'm not for sale."

According to a posting on eBay, the online auction house, the 55-year-old judge would go to the highest bidder. After four days the best offer was $127.50.

The eBay advertisement, titled "Judge for Sale," showed a picture of Klein sitting in a courtroom and grinning at the camera, and then listed a number of accusations about the way the judge dispenses justice.

Free worldwide shipping was even included.

Klein has spent 22 years untangling landlord-tenant disputes in New York City Civil Court. As he suspected, a disgruntled litigant was the behind the advertisement, which had eluded eBay authorities.

That litigant is Janet Schoenberg, who is to be evicted on Thursday from her studio apartment in the East Village. She said she created the ad after exhausting all other avenues to attract attention to her case, which she said was being improperly handled by Klein.

"In today's world, this is how people who are not celebrities can get their voice heard," Schoenberg said.

Schoenberg, who said that she had never sold anything on eBay and that it was "ridiculously easy" to make the ad, maintained that the listing was intended as a joke.

"I didn't expect anybody to actually bid on this," she said. "It was satire; it was parody."

Schoenberg posted the ad on Wednesday. By 10:18 on Sunday morning, the site had drawn 6,400 hits and 21 bids, which Klein did not find funny.

[Ed Palmer]

( is that an oral or a rectal thermometer?)


Doctor Pleads Guilty in Oral Sex Case
A Bronx doctor who began performing oral sex on a patient while examining his genitals, pleaded guilty Thursday to sexual misconduct, prosecutors said.

[Ed Palmer]

Mom Breastfeeds Puppy to Protect Baby reuters.com
WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A woman in New Zealand says she is breastfeeding her pet puppy because she wants it to protect her baby daughter as they both grow up.
Kura Tumanako told the NZPA news agency Wednesday that she had started breastfeeding the Staffordshire bull terrier pup after her baby stopped taking her milk.

"I didn't want to waste it so I gave it to Honey Boy," she said.

According to NZPA, Tumanako said she had fed the dog twice a day for the past week but would probably wean it off in about six weeks' time. Her baby, now 2 months old, is on bottled milk.

"I wanted to raise it (the pup) with my baby," she said. "I wanted to bring it up with a baby. It will protect her as they grow up," said Tumanako, who lives in Hastings in New Zealand's North Island.

"He drinks more than the baby. It doesn't hurt, but it's a little bit ticklish."