Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 51
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")

Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.

Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. Berkeley

[thedrifter]

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 102
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

[thedrifter]

Deep Thoughts 06
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

[thedrifter]

Policemen in Heaven
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 61
You might be a reneck if...

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

You don't know what a redneck is.

You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

You thought ER was ET's cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

[thedrifter]

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)


2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

[thedrifter]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[thedrifter]

The Twelve Pains of Christmas
(From Twisted Christmas" by Bob Rivers)


Chorus:The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Toy-commercial voice (10): Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
C: Five months of bills,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

[thedrifter]

Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)


A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

[thedrifter]

12 Days of Christmas Memo
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

[thedrifter]

'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!

So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

[thedrifter]

'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's ****ed

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was ****ed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady *****es
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little ****s.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of ****.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

[Phantom Blooper]

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."


He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[thedrifter]

Christmas Hunting


Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart of every
husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping. Men are by nature
conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting an art
gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no sense of
accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I
first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again every
year.

Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of attitude; how
you approach the situation. Instead of "Christmas shopping", I call it
"Christmas hunting". Instead of gathering presents, I "hunt and kill" them.
Here is how it works:


The Prey

In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt. With a
normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, etc.
Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.

At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of the GIFT is what
determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go Buffalo hunting, you
would make all the necessary preparations - special permits, gun, travel plans,
etc. Bagging a GIFT is the same.

The GIFT must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may
need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance
bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount additional for
her personal GIFT. Just as a fish is different from a duck, GIFTS come in
various forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality is the
rule here.

In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some homework. This
may involve actually looking or listening to your wife. See what earrings (who
knows where they came from?) she is wearing. She will often give you hints that
you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form of "I wish",
or "it would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch to match my
shoes", or it may be that page from the department store catalog that she
wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled in red.

Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure with her when
you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a display rack in a department
store. See what catches her eye. Another source is the television shopping
channel. Stop for a few more seconds and take note of what they are peddaling.
This part of the process can be related to when you learn about the best
fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.


The Weapon

The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to "kill"
your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A check book or
credit card just don't look as ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing
to wield. When you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even
when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown on customers
bringing and carrying firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a
suitable substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a
pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop
handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you don't
mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the scabbard on a
sword.

Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or bath oil beads
that could substitute for the weapon. This may help you during your hunt for
the GIFT. You don't have to purchase, just borrow it for a while until the real
game has been tracked and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon-
shaped object that would appeal to women.


The License

If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your driver's
license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and tobacco products
can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be displayed to the game warden
(store clerk) when the weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get
the GIFT. The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for
protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a
lot of experience wrapping things, this is best left to the professionals in
order to be more attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is
determined by the balance left in your account.


The Site

Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go depends
on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always shared space.
The same field used for getting plants has been the roaming place for pheasants
In the forest where berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get
the GIFT, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called "The Mall".

If this is too drastic, a "Department Store" may help ease you into the
experience.

At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk". This will help
narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you can
proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs. Each store
in a mall is divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as
some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items sold there are
separated as to type and size. There is usually an extra area designated for
jewelry or electronic devices and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can
lead you to the proper area.


Rules and Regulations

Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on
a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble:

- Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for something
she really likes and "you will never know".
- Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too
small. This translates in her mind as a compliment.
- No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you,
and also conflicts with rule two above.
- If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There
are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or
fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are building that
romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have
it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest
for something else.
- No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and
deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you
grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out
stand.
- The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used
by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An
exception would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van - no.
- Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If
she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent
trophy to give her.
- Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put this in
her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back.


The Perfect Hunt

The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would be to
organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition.
Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp.
Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at
least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls
open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.

Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each other's kill.

Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the GIFT to
the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment,
can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.

Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.

I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the GIFT. On one
experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of America. I arrived
on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the door, and I was back
in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur
hunter.

Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary
Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 44
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

[thedrifter]

I'm just trying to be helpful
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[thedrifter]

Don't give us a bad name
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 30
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get Back!".

[thedrifter]

I get no respect 04
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

[thedrifter]

Santa's Pet Peeves
Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.

7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"

5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask

4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School

3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

1. Two words: lap rash

[Phantom Blooper]

A nun is sitting with her mother superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, mother," says the nun. "after that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the mother superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "you see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked mother superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then mother superior sighed and asked, "you missed the f**kin putt, didn't you?"

[thedrifter]

Naughty Night Before Christmas


Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa ****head, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a *****.

"That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and ****ed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, \
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldn't even mention.

A **** ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a *****!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 74
Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

[thedrifter]

Are blind pilots flying?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 86
Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss' secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 72
You might be a reneck if...

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

[thedrifter]

The Australian Christmas
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

[nc.gal]

AT THE CHRISTMAS PLAY

The choir director selected the 6 year old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the Christmas play. "Now,all you have to do when you hear me say to the choir.'---and the angel lit the candle', --is come on stage and light all the candles."

"I can do it, I can do it!" the little boy said excitedly.

Rehearsals came and went and finally the big night arrived. The choir was ready, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around and all awaited the moment when the cute littlest angel would make his entrance.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "----and the angel lit the candle'".

Everyone looked stage right for the entrance.
No little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again and more loudly said, "---and the angel lit the candle."

Again, all eyes looked stage right.
No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures and this time the choir thundered into the line. So loud were they that the curtains belled slightly from the sound!
".........AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, "....and the cat peed on the matches!"

[nc.gal]

THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS:

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite.

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
And turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming--well, actually I kept one of the drummers---
And sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the (Soprani) Birds!"

(Everyone else)---Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

[BigAlHolmes165]

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary C. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine! And, she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat. She replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna ****!"

[Phantom Blooper]

The aircraft hatch opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

:)

[thedrifter]

Purchasing mailing lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 124
(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

[thedrifter]

My men are very brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

[thedrifter]

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

A nun arrives at the local bar
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[thedrifter]

Did you hear about the blond?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 05
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 108
Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

[thedrifter]

If this company ran Christmas...
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.

[thedrifter]

Why ask why 02
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

[thedrifter]

Catch a drunk driver
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You've ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

[thedrifter]

Without a Christmas bonus
Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

[dgallagher]

Subject: Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her
into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Merry Christmas to ALL! And remember it's the season for JOY!

Semper fi
dg

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: parrot
>
>
>
>
>
>
> guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
>perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
>wonder what happened to this parrot?"
>
>
>
>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
>
>
>
>"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"
>
>
>
>"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent
>thoroughly educated bird."
>
>
>
>"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your
>perch w! ithout any feet?"
>
>
>
>"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I
>wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it
>because of my feathers."
>
>
>
>"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't
>you?"
>
>
>
>"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
>reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
>physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought
>to buy me.. I'd be a great companion."
>
>
>
>The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford
>that."
>
>
>
>"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants
>me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just
make
>the guy an offer!"
>
>
>
>The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
>
>
>
>Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's
>interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes,
>and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
>
>
>
>One day the guy comes hom e from work and the parrot goes,
>"Psssssssssssst," and motions him o! ver with one wing. "I don't know
if I
>should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."
>
>
>
>"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
>
>
>
>"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the
>door in a sheer black nightie."
>
>
>
>"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
>
>
>
>"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and
>began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
>
>
>
>"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
>
>
>
>"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and
>began to kiss her all over...."
>
>
>
>Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
>
>
>
>"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
> <~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
>
> If this doesn ' t make you laugh, you're having a really bad
day!!
>
>

[Ed Palmer]

Grandma
A 5 year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,he looked up and said, "Grandma,how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied,"Honey,my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my room all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.She started adjusting the knobs,trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the side of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is you grandma home?" The little boy replied,"Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

[Ed Palmer]

Whale of a Tale

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A Scotch Expert

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.

The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's ****."


The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Mouse Clicks For Your Protection
Homeland Security has announced they will soon be implementing new software which will record every click of your mouse.

It is their belief that it will operate completely transparent
and that the average user will not notice any difference
in performance.

Click below to observe this incredible new technology.
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[Ed Palmer]

The Parrot

A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you will be sent to the zoo."

Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."

After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."

This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it."

With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

American History

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

THE GUNNY ALWAYS HAS THE ANSWER ...

The young lieutenant approached the crusty old gunny and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, lieutenant," he said, "it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a first lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. ...That answer your question, Lieutenant?"

"Well, yeah Gunny, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, said the Gunny. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we have always covered our pricks with leaves... "


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Dictate

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid."

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

The Sound of Pigs

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!"


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A New Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Nice Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the prick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Between Holidays

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

My Daughter Lynda

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

[garryh123]

YOU'RE A DRUNK: :lick:

If a man gave you a fish and you’d eat for a day. If he taught you to fish you’d sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If it weren’t for the olives in your martinis, you’d starve to death.

When your spirits get low, you use a straw.

You’d go on the wagon, but can’t find one with a bar.

You always cook with wine. Sometimes you even add it to the food.

You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless you’re sick. Then you drink two.

You refer to grapes as “wine eggs.”

You can walk into a 7-11 at 2am, look at the cheese dog that’s been mutating on the grill since 8am and think, “Man, that looks tasty!”

You know liquor gets better with age, because the older you get the more you like it.

You only drink to steady your nerves. Sometimes you get so steady you have to be carried out.

You drink to make other people appear cool enough to hang out with you.

Quitting drinking is the easiest thing in the world. You’ve done it a thousand times.

You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor stores.

You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didn’t have a hangover.

With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of Stroh’s you can go on vacation without ever leaving your house.

You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.

You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon.

[Ed Palmer]

Hairy Chest

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Letters On Fruit

A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter "T" on it setting on her desk. She asks: "My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?"

Little girl in the front row replies: "I did teacher."

The teacher asks: "What does the letter "T" stand for?"

"Teacher", she replies.

The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters "TT" on it.

"My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?"

Little boy in the back row says: "I did."

"Why thank you, but what do the letters "TT" stand for?"

"To Teacher", he replies.

A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters "****" on it.

She asks: "Who brought this watermelon in?"

A little black boy in the center of the class replies: "Why i did teacher".

"Why thank you very much. We'll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?", she asks in a upset tone.

"Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids..."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Not Bad

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

[Ed Palmer]

The Mechanical Caddy

A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured "what the hell".

He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.

A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but we had to get rid of them." The man a little confused asks, "Why did you get rid of them, they were great." The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.

Still confused, the man adds, "Well, why didn't you just paint them black?"

The manager replies "Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn't show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

The scene: HEAVEN
The year: 2031

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and
Leader of the Free World.

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint, "but first you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't
call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate
extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I
didn't have full 'sexual relations' and I made some statements that were
misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false
witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of
perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,"OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it Hell.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you
enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Sgted]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[Phantom Blooper]

Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be
sh**tin' me" came from? Well, it just so happens to
have originated through the Father of Our Country.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware
River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously,
and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see
where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold,
continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back
and forth. Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and
threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour
trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All
of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one
of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on
the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied
the troops and told them they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I
see lights ahead!"

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge
house. What they didn't know was that this was a house
of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men
crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a
beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to
see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General
George Washington and these are my men. We're tired,
wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there,
and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well,
General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many
men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us
without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be sh**tin me!"
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.


"My name is Carmen," she told him.


"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?"


"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most: cars and men."


They continued to talk and finally she asked his name.


"Beerf*ck," he said.:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Phantom Blooper]

MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH. A PRETTY YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE OFF HIS HANDS AND FEET.

"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE OXYGEN MASK, "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES, "I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET."

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

"FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK, AND SAYS, "THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, "THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE...MY...TEST...RESULTS...BACK?"

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 125
Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

[thedrifter]

Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[thedrifter]

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[thedrifter]

Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

[thedrifter]

Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 100
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.

When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.

[thedrifter]

Caring for floppy disks
ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.

[thedrifter]

Only found in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke collection 73
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The change is 90% complete.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as "None. It's a hardware problem.")

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt 10
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

[thedrifter]

Italian Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

[Ed Palmer]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Ed Palmer]

Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)


A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

[Ed Palmer]

Sick and Wrong
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Fw: I feel safe now




Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America
willing to cook, clean and work in the yard, and they haul her ass to jail."

[Ed Palmer]

Naughty Night Before Christmas


Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa ****head, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a *****
"That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and ****ed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, \
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldn't even mention.

A tit ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****,
So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a ******!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

[Ed Palmer]

Sister Mary Catherine
Sister Mary Catherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary C. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack", she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine! And, she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat. She replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna realy shzt

[thedrifter]

SING IT!!!!
> >
> > Leroy the GOLD TOOTHED reindeer
> > had a very NAPPY fro
> > and if you ever saw him,
> > he was at the LIQUOR sto'
> >
> > All of Leroy's 'homeboys'
> > use to PLAYA HATE his 'game'
> > but they can't mess w/ Leroy..
> > 'cause' he got a big OLE thang!
> >
> > Then one smoggy CHRISTMAS day
> > SANTA came to say,
> > "Leroy...have you seen my sleigh?"
> > I know you had it the OTHER day!
> >
> > So Leroy BROKE out runnin'
> > and SANTA pulled out his 'nine'
> > and SANTA shot poor Leroy
> > DEAD in his black behind....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!
> > (heh, heh)

[Phantom Blooper]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained ...
"It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute .... listen to my side of the story."


"This morning the alarm failed to go off,
so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys.
In doing so I tore my suit and had to go upstairs and change.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

When I was about three blocks from the store,
I got a flat tire.

Being late, my usual parking place had been taken

and I had to drive around to find another one.

When I finally got to the store, there were a bunch of people
impatiently waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time ...
the dang phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels.



The phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,






and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
and believe me Mister, as God is my witness ...







All I Did Was Tell Her !!

[thedrifter]

You can now eat your own plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.

Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.

Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.

Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 126
Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses.

[thedrifter]

Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[thedrifter]

Those raccoons are not luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

[thedrifter]

Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 15
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

[thedrifter]

Admit that you did that
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

[thedrifter]

The devil's offer
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

[thedrifter]

Lost far from a home
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

[thedrifter]

Question answer
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!

[thedrifter]

Your father is drunk
To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town


Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....

You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

[nc.gal]

"WALKIN' IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND"

(sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)


Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'
It's yellow, NOT white-I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants,
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
Mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."

[thedrifter]

A quote on marriage
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 127
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

[thedrifter]

What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[thedrifter]

Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 16
"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

[thedrifter]

An IBM acronym
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!

[thedrifter]

Native American trades
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

[thedrifter]

The reason for running
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

[thedrifter]

Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[thedrifter]

Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[Sgted]

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday...let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Master Chief Boatswains Mate who shuffled into a waterfront bar in San Francisco stinking of whisky and cigarettes. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old salt, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old "Boats" staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old master chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, "Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," as he took a long pull from the beer. The bartender and the crowd winced, but the maestro went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, he politely acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said," Look, Chief. The job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old salt replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[Phantom Blooper]

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day."

[thedrifter]

Space photography
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"

Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."

Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"

Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 128
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[thedrifter]

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[thedrifter]

There was a place crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[thedrifter]

Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

[thedrifter]

Computer history of the world
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

[thedrifter]

What and who am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

[thedrifter]

Santa Hates Your Kid
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

[Sgted]

HEADLINES FROM YEAR 2029: :

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally...scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

[Phantom Blooper]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for overe 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself. "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf, a well-suited, black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of a wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it up, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde.. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten Years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started slowly to unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes. the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman had beem drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time, same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

[Phantom Blooper]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

[thedrifter]

As you may know, there are a lot of Californians moving to Idaho these days.
Unlike Idaho with its four seasons, California only has two: hot and hot as hell.

November 1, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

It started to snow this evening about 5:00 p.m. -- our first of the season. The wife and I took
our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. They say that no two snowflakes are the same! It was beautiful.

We woke to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering our yard and as far as the
eye could see. I shoveled snow for the first time in over 30 years -- and loved it! Did both the driveway and sidewalk. Of course two minutes after I finished, the snowplow came by and
covered it all up again with the compacted snow from the street. Oh well, ha ha, I took it in
stride and shoveled it all again.

Your friend,

Tom



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November 10, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

Got another 8 inches of snow last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero.
Shoveled the driveway so I could get the car out but before I could open the garage door, the
snowplow did his thing again. Worked out for the best because the car wouldn't start anyway.
Fixed myself a drink and laughed it off.

Regards,

Tom



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Noverber 27, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:

Sold the car and bought a 4 wheel drive truck. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway getting
into it. All that was hurt was my feelings. Still cold (below zero every morning) and the icy roads
make for tough driving. I did however make it to the liquor store and bought enough booze to last
the winter. That ******* in the snowplow came by while I was gone and covered the driveway
again.

Tom



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 5, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

Happy "****ing" Holiday from Idaho. We're assured a white Christmas this year because
6 more inches of the "white stuff" fell today. Forget that crap about snow flakes all looking
different, you've seen one, you've seen them all!! Anyway, I took a couple of stiff belts out
of the whiskey bottle and suited up to shovel the driveway. You should see it, boots, jump suit,
heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc. Got in one shovel full and had to **** like a Russian
race horse. Figured I'd risk blowing a kidney and finish the job. When I did, I ran for the house
and just made it to the toilet. While I was standing relieving myself, I heard a now familiar sound.
Yes, that ********** in the snowplow did it again. The only reason I needed to get out was that
the liquor cabinet was empty, again! I think the wife has been sipping behind my back!! Selfish
*****!

T.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 30, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** that drives that snowplow, I'll drag his bare ass through the
white **** from here to the city limits. The temperature stays at zero or below all day. If this
keeps up I'll be ****ing with this white **** 'til August. Got to get to the liquor store before it
closes. I caught the wife dead off her ass drunk on the bathroom floor yesterday. At least
now I know where the booze is going.

Me



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 5, 8, or 10, 1993

Dear Tim and Cary:

7 more inches. If it wasn't for going to the liquor store, I'd never get out. Must be cabin fever
or I'm going snowblind from that white **** all over my yard, but even that drunken slut I married
is starting to look good. Doesn't matter, it's so cold I have to tie a string and tag on my dick just
to find it ever morning.

You Know Who



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Febiary, whatever, whenever...............

Deer jimmers, jimmers, J & M:

Toilet froze. IF you go outside, don't eat the brown snow ha ha! Neighbor came by and told me
I better get some of that **** off my roof or it might cave in. **** it and the snowplow. Liquor
store has started making deliveries to the front door. I ain't going out till this **** melts all the
way a way.

me



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 29, 1993
Boise Mental Hospital

Dear Jim and Mary:

Thank you for taking in my darling wife. My lawyer says I should be out in a year or two. All
this could have been avoided if the snowplow driver hadn't come by asking for a donation for
some charity. His doctor testified at my trial that there was no permanent damage to his rectum
from my assault with the snow shovel handle. It was wrong, I know that now. The arson charge
too, could have been avoided, but when that neighbor told me about the snow on my roof, well I
figured the fire would melt that white.........

I really feel bad about the guy who owns the liquor store. Ever since we left the neighborhood,
the bank foreclosed on his new house and the Cadillac dealer repossessed his new car. Even the
kid who used to deliver for him quit, claimed he wasn't making that $1,500 a week like when we
lived there.

Hope to see you soon!

Your Friend,
Tom

[thedrifter]

Christmas Parrot

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."

[Nagalfar]

THis is a REAL news story, but it does belong here..

SAN JOSE, Costa Rica - Osama bin Laden (news - web sites) take note: You wouldn't be safe in Costa Rica. A startled taxi driver shot and wounded a jokester wearing a plastic mask of the al-Qaida leader, police said Tuesday.

Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning the Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, about 20 miles north of San Jose.

Arias had startled several drivers that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.

"For me and I think for anybody else at a time like that one thinks the worst and so I fired my gun," Sandoval told Channel 7 television.

Police declined to detain Sandoval, saying he had believed he was acting in self-defense.

[thedrifter]

Purchasing power of burgers
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.

The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.

The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

[thedrifter]

Unfamiliar with a term
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 129
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

[thedrifter]

Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

[thedrifter]

There's a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 03
All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[thedrifter]

Programmer's drinking song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

[thedrifter]

Stupid people awards
The 2000 Darwin awards!

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

[thedrifter]

A quote on marriage
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

[thedrifter]

Purchasing the brain
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

[thedrifter]

The politically correct Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: The Year is 1904 ....






The Year is 1904


Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1904. one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:


The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.


Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00


There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.


The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.


The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.


A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.

A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.



More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, andmorphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking)!

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind

[Ed Palmer]

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.
Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed
between the kingdom of Heaven and the
Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter
greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting
for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

[Sgt Morales, AM]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Phantom Blooper]

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife....

You know, we have a pretty good system at the Fire Station.

Bell #1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

Bell #2 rings, we all slide down the pole.

Bell #3 rings and we're ready to get on the trucks.

From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, you strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell #3, We're going to have sex all night.

The next night the man came home and yelled BELL #1...and his wife took off her clothes.

BELL #2, his wife jumped into bed.

BELL #3, they began having sex.

After 2 minutes, his wife yelled...

BELL #4, What's Bell #4, he asked her. More hose, she said...your nowhere near the fire!

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Hey guys eat your heart out, anotherlady outsmarted us
Ed Palmer
Semper Fi

Subject: Fwd: Ladies Night


In a message dated 8/25/2004 3:29:21 PM Pacific Daylight Time,Ruth:

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of
the
girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his left butt
cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She
called
the
guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt
cheek. In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50
bill.
I was worried
about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck
the
fifty to his left butt cheek again.

My relief was short-lived. The guy raced over to me!!! Now
everyone's
attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try
top
the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down
the
crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

[Phantom Blooper]

Dear Sirs:


I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet.


Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would
be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of
course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have
record sales.


Why didn't Bush think of this?


Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

[thedrifter]

Trying to be impressive
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 130
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

[thedrifter]

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[thedrifter]

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

[thedrifter]

I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 19
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

[thedrifter]

Throwing away garbage
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

[thedrifter]

I suppose I earned enough
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney?s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I?ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man?s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour?s work isn?t bad."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

[thedrifter]

I want to see something really cheap
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.


"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[Sgt Morales, AM]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

:bunny:

[Phantom Blooper]

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost
anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are
equally tired and discontent.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose
name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the
bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
women, of whom four were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck.

One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to
choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

[Osotogary]

Geez, I hope Angel doesn't see this! LOL Can I use the word replaceable?

[Phantom Blooper]

Yes Sir! You Can start a chain letter and use the word REPLACEMENT...REPLACEMENT.....REPLACEMENT....and send to anyone you want to. :)

[BigAlHolmes165]

Originally posted by Osotogary
Geez, I hope Angel doesn't see this! LOL Can I use the word replaceable?

Beat me to it as I was gonna say the same thing.

[Ed Palmer]

When Bill Clinton was a fireman in Mena Arkansas
There was a fire and the firemen were fighting it
and when they got it under control, they came up missing two of their men, when they finally found them , Clinton was screwing the other in the rear,
The Chief asked what in the hell was going on
and their reply was that the guy on the receiving
end was suffering from smoke inhalation.
The chief was outraged you idiots know better than that for smoke inhalation you supposed to use mouth to mouth.
The Clinton said we know we started out that way.

[thedrifter]

Want to go into space?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn?t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."


Ellie

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."

[thedrifter]

My men are very brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

[thedrifter]

You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

[thedrifter]

Business one-liners 118
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

[thedrifter]

Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

[thedrifter]

Very stupid robbers
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

[thedrifter]

Competition of a nation
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

[thedrifter]

Sick of the Holidays
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You're serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies

2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash

[nc.gal]

01. Don't imagine you can change a man---unless he's in diapers.

02. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

03. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

04. Never let your man's mind wander--it's too little to be out alone.

05. Go for younger men, you might as well--they never mature anyway.

06. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

07. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

08. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

09. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The men of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, they wouldn't as for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[nc.gal]

Regis: "Barbara,you've done very well so far--$500,000 and one lifeline left---phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right---but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000---are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis:"Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? is it---
A--Robin

B--Sparrow

C--Cuckoo

D--Thrush

Remember Barbara, its worth 1 million dollars."

"I think I know who it---but I'm not 100%-----

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure."

Regis: "yes, who Barbara, do you want to phone?"

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)

Maggie(also a blonde): "Hello....."

Regis:"Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire---I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million---the next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question."

"There are four possible answers and one correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer----fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:

A--Robin

B--Sparrow

C--Cuckoo

D--Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh gees, Barbara that's simple---it's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: "Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "Iwant to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara:"Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C--Cuckoo--YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU HAVE JUST WON ONE MILLION DOLLARS.Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and as they are sipping their champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks,"Tell me Maggie, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Maggie:"Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

;)

[nc.gal]

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

Couldn't call 9 1 1 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C"

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

[nc.gal]

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies,

"My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

[thedrifter]

An error publishing an article
From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

[thedrifter]

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!"

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 132
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

[thedrifter]

Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[thedrifter]

A neutron at a bar
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 08
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when

[thedrifter]

Changing number terms
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.

Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.

665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

[thedrifter]

Evaluating this painting
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[thedrifter]

Were you ever arrested?
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

[thedrifter]

An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

[thedrifter]

Robert Schmidt joke
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

[thedrifter]

Charged for speeding
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Also see

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

[thedrifter]

Doctor goes to a bar
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[thedrifter]

Defining the Americans
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.