Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 37
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

[thedrifter]

Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[thedrifter]

The baseball demands
Top Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

No team flights on Continental Airlines.

Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

Make it legal to cork their pants.

Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

Two words: Streisand tickets.

Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".

Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.

More games against the Mets.

[Ed Palmer]

What little girls want out of life


4 ANIMALS
You've got to love this little girl. What a
woman, she'll make.

A teacher asked her class, "WHat do you want
out of life?


A little girl in the back row raised her hand
and
said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little
animals would that be sugar?"


The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed

and a jackass to pay for all of it."



The teacher fainted

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 60
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

[thedrifter]

Civil War Era humor
Civil War Era Humor

The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War.

BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head."

LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman.

KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen responds with treason.

PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.

COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat.

GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and received permission from the sheriff to share the cell; remaining there until public opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law.

MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners.

DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be; but no drug can make you be the person you used to be.

NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you."

OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds.

NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence."

FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"

CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage.

COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case of Yankee Chills."

YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die.

SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry.

WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can see their tails hanging out."

FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a Commander at the commencement of a battle.

SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with.

BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom.

FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called " seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young soldier was over once he entered his first battle.



BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle.

BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat.

ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland . They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill."

BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.

[thedrifter]

A man takes the ferry home from work
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

[thedrifter]

First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 14
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[thedrifter]

Evaluating this painting
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[thedrifter]

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[thedrifter]

Very stupid musician
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

[thedrifter]

The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 40
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

[thedrifter]

Murphy's nartial laws
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

[Sgted]

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:

1. One Bit*h, Two B*tch, Dead B****h, You B**ch.
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
8. Bi-Curious George

[garryh123]

WINO WISDOM:

“When I think about all the people out there that want to kill me, I’m just glad as hell I’m in here drinking with my friends. You are my friends, right?"
Ron T., attempting to separate the Cowboys from the Indians at the Streets of London Pub.

“I want a shot. Do you want a shot? What about you? Hey, you guys want a shot? You? Okay, that’s one, two, three, four, five shots of tequila. Awesome. This is going to be great. Now, who’s got some money, cuz I’m broker than a broke-dick dog.”
Nameless (and shameless) patron at the Lion’s Lair.

“**** those guys who ride around in limousines. **** them. Even if they got a bar in there, **** them. How many bottles do you think that little bar has? Five? Maybe ten at the most. How many bottles we got here? A hundred at least. **** their little ten-bottle bar. I wouldn’t even want to ride in a limousine, unless I had somewhere important to go.”
Jay H., railing against the sham riches of the ruling class at Bushwackers Saloon.¸

“I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
Roy B., drinking on the ground and in his home state (for now).

[Sgted]

Jake lay dying while his wife held a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. Becky, my darling, he whispered. Hush, my love, she said. Rest, don't talk. He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice. I have something that I must confess. There isn't anything to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Everything's all right, go to sleep. No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I . . I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! Shhh, Darling, whispered Becky, I know, I know... Just let the poison work.

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 47
Clint Eastwood voice: Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.

[thedrifter]

Give chocolate pudding
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

[thedrifter]

Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

[thedrifter]

Fallen bridge
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 08
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

[thedrifter]

Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

[thedrifter]

Is the wife in control?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

[thedrifter]

Stupid people stories
Stupid people

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

[thedrifter]

His and her road trips
HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

[thedrifter]

Problems from the start
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

[thedrifter]

Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 24
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 26
You might be a redneck if...

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

[thedrifter]

Question answer
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

[Ed Palmer]

very interesting go to this site

http://www.catsprn.com/letter_of_apology.htm (http://)

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Ice fishin
>
> Ice Fishing
> >
> >
> >Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a presidential election
> that
> >was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential
> candidate
>
> >nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win
> the
> election.
> >Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing
> contest
>
> >between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was
>
> >much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
> >week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle
> >things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the
> week
> wins.
> >
> >After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
> >contest would take place on a remote and frozen lake in Minnesota.
> >There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent
> out
> >separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for
>
> >counting and verification! At the end of the first day, George W.
> >returns to the starting line and he has 10 fishes. Soon, Kerry
> returns and
> has zero fish.
> > Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or
> >something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
> >
> >At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fishes and
> Kerry
>
> >comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together
> >secretly with Kerry and says, "I think George W. is a lowlife
> cheatin'
>
> >son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother
> with
> >fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
> >
> >The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton
> says
>
> >to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" "He sure
> is,
>
> >Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice.
> >
>
>
>

[thedrifter]

Lettuce and Tomato


This guy has to baby-sit his litle brother, and when his parents leave they say, 'Now, don't you bring your girlfriend over, or you're in big trouble, young man.'

The guy promises he won't, but as soon as his parents left he puts his little brother to bed and calles up his girlfriend. She comes over and they get down in the bed to **** each other, and she says, 'Okay, lettuce means harder and tomato means faster.' So they go at it, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!'

The little brother chooses this moment to come into the bedroom saying he can't sleep, and asks, 'What are you doing?'

The guy, thinking quickly, says, 'Oh, we're making a sandwich.' So they continue to bang the bone-dance, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!'

The little brother put his hand to his cheek and said, 'Yuck, you got mayonaise on my face!'

[thedrifter]

Leftover Gifts


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

[thedrifter]

God's Time And Money

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"

He replied, "1 second."

The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "A penny."

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"

And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

[thedrifter]

Jesus And The Redneck



An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[thedrifter]

Retiring Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said '**** him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

[thedrifter]

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

[thedrifter]

Things to Say at a Job Interview


See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

[thedrifter]

Foul Barroom Odor

A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did you crap your pants?" The drunk said "yup." The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the bathroom?", to which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet!"

[thedrifter]

Vote For Hell

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[thedrifter]

Not Quite Ready


A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates INTO Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan whothrew them INTO the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul INTO the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side INTO a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering...why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them INTO the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all FROM Pennsylvania &Maryland. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

[thedrifter]

You've Got Mail

A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawnmower when her atractive blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little while later, he came out and again he checked his mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was getting ready to mow the lawn...he came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the woman asked hin "Is something wrong?". To which he replied, "There certainly is!.......

My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[thedrifter]

The Massacre

All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving.They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance,to see what the future held.The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.What did you see, asked the Chief? I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us.If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this Venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most. As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong" it was a HAM BUSH.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Sex Ed


One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It?s about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa your right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it?s about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he?s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior?s brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: A Good Chicken Recipe
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
> > stuffing - imagine that!
> >
> > When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like
> me,
> > who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked,
> but
> > not dried out. Give this a try.
> >
> > BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
> > 6-7 lb. chicken
> > 1 cup melted butter
> > 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
> > 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to

> > taste ______________________________
> >
> > Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
> > salt, and pepper. Fill cavity (anal) with stuffing and popcorn.
> > Place in
> baking
> pan
> > with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the
popping
> > sounds.
> >
> > When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken
flies
> > across the room, it is done.
> >
> > And, you thought I couldn't cook.

[Ed Palmer]

I'm Goin' to Hell!

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

[Ed Palmer]

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind

[Ed Palmer]

You might appreciate the irony of this history:

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democratic Congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.

Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud & lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first



in American politics:

A clergyman who had sex with a subordinate then hired an ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president, who had sex with a subordinate.

God Bless America.

[Ed Palmer]

Bush cost me my job; my kids and my houses.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,
Saddam Hussein

GEE IT ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.
OK BOO HOO

[Ed Palmer]

Bed Football

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score. " After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he ****s in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A child's play

If You don't laugh at this one there is no hope for your day!

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.

The first little boy was to say:

"My fair maiden… I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".

The second little boy was to reply by saying:

"Hark! A pistol shot"

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words:

"My fair maiden… I have come to kiss your snatch... and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out:

"Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shiot, horse shiot, cow shiot, bull shOt… I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...

The audience left howling.

[Ed Palmer]

Trip to a bar...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Handjob: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
.................................................. .............................................

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

Worldcom leaves you with less than $5.00

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) a year ago, consumed all of the beer, then turned in the cans for either the recycled aluminum fee, or the 10¢ deposit, (depending on your state of residence), you would have ( ± $214.00).

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This, new retirement program, is called the 401Keg program.

[Ed Palmer]

don't know about the veracity of these ... but they do give one "pause"... A nurse passed these on. Truth is many times stranger than fiction.

TRIPS TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM....

FEMALE SOFA- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found concealed by one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR-OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? - A 20-year-old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boy! friend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (as you do)?!!. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives- thank goodness)

BLIND DRUNK- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. Arghhhhh!

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! - A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had one out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

And you thought YOU were having a bad day!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Crazy Computer Viruses

The Dick Cheney Virus is so old it only works in DOS.
The Supreme Court Virus won't let you use the letters G, O or D on the keyboard.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus causes your computer to count and recount over and over again.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
AND THE SCARIEST VIRUS IS...

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy...then discards it through Windows.

[Ed Palmer]

Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."


"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"


The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.


The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."


After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.


Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."


The rest is history...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adult Riddles

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?**
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?**
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?**
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?**
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?**
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?**
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?**
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?**
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?**
100 people who don't do dick.

How did the tugboat get AIDs?**
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Define "Egghead:**
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What's the definition of eternity?**
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?**
Palm Sunday.

How is sex like a game of bridge?**
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?** Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?**
It's not hard...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOMETIMES

Sometimes... when you cry...
no one sees your tears.



Sometimes... when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes... when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.



Sometimes... when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.



But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows.

[Ed Palmer]

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

The results of this study are pretty interesting:


85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

//////////////////////////////////

Telephone Problem

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

The dog was receiving a jolt from the 90 volt signaling current when the phone number was called.

After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by piffing and moaning.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Check Your Eyesight

A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

[Ed Palmer]

Caffeine is My Shepherd

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in the lecture hall, it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no decaf.

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a tall latte before me in the presence of fatigue. Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the House of Java forever.

-- Anonymous



THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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The Amazing Claude

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
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ARKANSAS



Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.

"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant." I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's ARKANSAS-- the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from ARKANSAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in LITTLE ROCK."

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Nursery Rhyme ? ?

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies"

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[Ed Palmer]

Senior Citizens

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...

[Ed Palmer]

"Some things you just can't explain."


A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.


The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "

Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

"Some things you just can't explain"

[Ed Palmer]

Men strike back!




Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men break wind more than women?

A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.




Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth

[Ed Palmer]

There,s pictures that go wit this but I am not smart enough to apply them if someone out there can, get me at ssgtpalmer@yahoo.com


It used to tick me off when the Muslim detractors in the Middle East, or detractors in Europe and others called our President a cowboy, but the more I think about it, the more glad I am that he is.



When I was a kid, cowboys were my heroes.



Well, I mean the ones in the white hats, not the black hats, who were usually the bad guys.



There was Tex Ritter, Tom Mix, Buck Jones,



Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger.....



there was Red Ryder, Gene Autry, Roy Rogers...



then later, there was Marshall Matt Dillon, Hoss & Li'l Joe Cartwright,



Paladin, Maverick and others...



Rawhide's Rowdy Yates



What were common attributes of these legendary cowboys?



Here are a few:

They were never looking for trouble.

But when trouble came, they faced it with courage.

They were always on the side of right.

They defended good people against bad people.

They had high morals.

They had good manners.

They were honest.

They spoke their minds and they spoke the truth, regardless of what people thought or "political correctness," which no one had ever heard of back then.

They were a beacon of integrity in the wild, wild West.

They were respected. When they walked into a saloon (where they usually drank only sarsaparilla), the place became quiet, and the bad guys kept their distance.

If in a gunfight, they could outdraw anyone. If in a fist fight, they could beat up anyone.

They always won. They always got their man. In victory, they rode off into the sunset.




Those were the days when there was such a thing as right and wrong, something blurred in our modern world, and denied by many.



Now, as an older citizen, I still like cowboys...



They represent something good -- something pure that America has been missing.



Ronald Reagan was a cowboy.



Ronald Reagan was brave, positive, and gave us hope. He wore a white hat. To the consternation of his critics, he had the courage to call a spade a spade and call the former Soviet Union what it was -- the evil empire.



President Bush distinguishes between good and evil. He calls a spade a spade, and after 9-11 called evil "evil," without mincing any words. That's what cowboys do, you know.



He also told the French to "put their cards on the table" (old West talk).



In the old West, might did not make right.



Right made might.



Cowboys in white hats were always on the side of right, and that was their might.



I am glad my President is a cowboy.



He got his man!





Cowboys do, you know.








God Bless America!

[Sgted]

Brings back memories of the warnings some of us got to stay out of Dogpatch or wherever else "Boom Boom" was available.


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in Hong Kong, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a physician. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there is no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!," the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money." **********************************************

[Sgted]

Subject: Finish what you started

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.....and as we get into fall we all could use a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I
started and had not finished.....and before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel......You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

[Ed Palmer]

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World."

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World are":

http://www.gndsb.com/ed/images/seven-1.jpg
1. To see.
http://www.gndsb.com/ed/images/seven-2.jpg
2. To hear.
http://www.gndsb.com/ed/images/seven-3.jpg
3. To touch.
4. To taste.
5. To feel.
6. To laugh.
7. And to love.

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

[Sgted]

Subject: Melt Your Heart

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little."
"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells with pride and he looks at his daughter
with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard!"

"I know," Melissa says.
"And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the s*it out of him."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 85
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[thedrifter]

Historic Custer battle
The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory."

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

[thedrifter]

Where is this bus going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[thedrifter]

Do you see the dead bird?
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 12
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

[thedrifter]

Unfamiliar with a term
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

[thedrifter]

Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[thedrifter]

Attempts by the dumb
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995

Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

[thedrifter]

Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

[thedrifter]

Why can't you be like that?
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

[thedrifter]

Breaking into a house
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 40
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archi