Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Getting a new deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

[thedrifter]

Watch real baseball
Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting "Do over!"

When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.

Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"

Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

They play like the Mets.

[Sgted]

3 Nuns are in a car accident, and die.

As they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St Peter meets them and tells the 3 Nuns there is a test to enter heaven.

the Nuns are taken aback by this, agree to take the test.

the first Nun is asked "Who was the first man?". She replied "Adam", the lights flashed, bells rang, horns sounded, and the gates were opened and she was swept in.

The 2nd Nun thought this is a snap, and she went forward, St. Peter asked her "who was the first woman?". she replied "Eve". and again the lights flashed, bells rang, horns sounded and she was swept in.

The 3rd Nun was stunned, this is so easy, so she went forward. St. Peter met her and asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?".

The poor Nun was stumped, she thought and thought, she mumbled to her self " this is got to be hard"






then the lights flashed, bells rang .................

[Ed Palmer]

these are coppied from earlier jokes and are worth while to repeat.

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"


__________________
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while
he was performing colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7.. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey
Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not
in
fact, up there?"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: heart patient


>Subject: Catholic Heart Attack

> >>
> >>
> >>A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
> >>surgery.
> >>He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
> >>a
> >>Catholic Hospital.
> >>
> >>As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he
> >>was
> >>going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health
> >>insurance.
> >>
> >>He replied, in a raspy voice,"No health insurance."
> >>The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
> >>He replied, "No money in the bank."
> >>The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
> >>
> >>He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
> >>The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not
> >>spinsters!
> >>Nuns are married to God."
> >>
> >>The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law

[Ed Palmer]

Manure In the 16th and 17th centuries
Everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T." (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I thought it was a golf term.

[Ed Palmer]

Old Fred.....

Old Fred's hospital bed was surronded by well wishers,but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper,then Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note,then dies.The pastor thinks it is best not to look at the note right now so he puts it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he is wearing the jacket he had on when Fred died." Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says " I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's word of inspiration in it for us all," Opening the note he reads,"Help !! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

CONFESSIONAL.....

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I'm 92 years old, I have a beautiful wife of 70 years,many children,grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, were I had sex with each of them three times. Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why,then are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Anesthesia...

A man was waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. his wife never heard him say that,so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again,and he said,"You're cute!" the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She said,"What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied,"The drugs are wearing off."

.................................................. .................................................. .................................

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. "My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked
straight at my husband and said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose.

And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!

And he closed the door.

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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


__________________
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
.................................................. .................................................. .....................................

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaii woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'


__________________

[Sgted]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves... it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?”

[Ed Palmer]

Cohones de Toro...
>
> A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
> drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he
noticed
> a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table.
>
> Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the
waiter,
> "What is that you just served?"
>
> The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's
> testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
>
> The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm
on
> vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
>
> The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per
> day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early
> tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy"!
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then
that
> evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
>
> After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called
> to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
> smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.
Sometimes the
> bull wins."

[Ed Palmer]

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and
dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to
make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a
practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman
answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing
chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 259
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

[thedrifter]

Daddy is going to war
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

[thedrifter]

The number twelve goes to a bar
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

[thedrifter]

Skydiving blind
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[thedrifter]

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 22
My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

[thedrifter]

Touring a new saw mill
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one

[thedrifter]

The problems with golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

[thedrifter]

Leader of the HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

[thedrifter]

An insurance company
Form Feed

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

[thedrifter]

Need a new lawyer
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer


Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.

[thedrifter]

Dating hints for men
Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

[thedrifter]

Subjects for a date
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[thedrifter]

F.B.I. phone logs
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **

[thedrifter]

We are the best of friends
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 44
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

[thedrifter]

redneck gets shot
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

[thedrifter]

Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

[thedrifter]

Top NFL complaints
Top NFL Complaints


After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.


Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".


Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".


Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks ****ing off their last remaining fan.


With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.


Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!


Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.


Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!


Don King only bribes boxing judges.


Official rule books not made in Braille.


I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

[Sgted]

Bush or Kerry ?

View Bohemian Rapsody Redux and have a laugh.


http://www.perfectgreeting.com/index.cfm?action=sendcard&card_id=3040&pa :D

[Ed Palmer]

if I WAS SMART ENOUGH I would have put the picture in with this.
but like I said IF

You Know GRITS ...
GIRLS RAISED IN THE SOUTH !!!

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a can.
Not sending thank you notes.
Velvet after February.
White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom,
Ballet,
Charm.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
Dewy skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Southern drawl.

Southern girls know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your mother?"
"Love your hair."

Southern girls don't sweat....they glisten.

Southern girls know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern girls have more fun than should be allowed.

Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest

Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach
The Beach
The Beach

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Gone With the Wind
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias

Southern girls know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern girls know the seasons:
Recruiting
Spring Training
Practice
Football
Needlework

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
GRITS
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Richmond
Charleston
Savannah
Birmingham
Nawlins'
NASHVILLE ...

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos.
Rhett Butler, of course.

Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt ...
Slowly lower your eyelashes.
Listen carefully to everything he says.
Speak r-e-a-l slow.

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates

Southern girls know men may come and go,
but friends are fo'evah!

G irls
R aised
I n
T he
S outh

Now you run along, Sugah,
and please send this to some other

[Ed Palmer]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.





The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.





Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."



The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"



The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ...............................................





"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Phantom Blooper]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping
his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women.

Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
The confused Cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.":)

[Phantom Blooper]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible..... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Is there another word for synonym?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken ?:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Late one dark and rainy Halloween night a man was walking

home alone when he hears behind him ......


BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an

upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street

toward him...





BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, The coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...faster...faster...



BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However ...the

coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...


clappity...


BUMP...


clappity...


BUMP...

clappity...


BUMP...


clappity...


BUMP...




He's right on the heels of the terrified man....





clappity...


BUMP...


clappity...


BUMP...




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom at the end of the hall, he locks
himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps...



then ...



With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and

reaches for something heavy...





Anything...


His hand comes tto rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN .
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the
apparition, and...













the coffin stops.

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

[thedrifter]

Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[thedrifter]

Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[thedrifter]

A blind man vists the state of Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[thedrifter]

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 01
I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

[thedrifter]

What's on your back?
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

[thedrifter]

Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[thedrifter]

Assign the punishment
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

[thedrifter]

What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[thedrifter]

Arguing effectively
How to Argue Effectively

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

-=- Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers

vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.

You're being defensive.

Don't compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.

Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

[thedrifter]

Computers are male
Reasons computers must be male


They have a lot of data but are still clueless.


A better model is always just around the corner.


They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.


It is always necessary to have a backup.


They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.


The best part of having either one is the games you can play.


The lights are on but nobody's home.

[thedrifter]

The government cuts costs
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

[thedrifter]

You're in great health
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

[thedrifter]

Where are you from?
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 01
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 01
You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

[thedrifter]

Digger Phelps quotes
Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

"Basketball is a game of two halves."

"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."

"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."

"He's like all great players -- not great yet."

"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

[thedrifter]

Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

[thedrifter]

Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

[thedrifter]

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 02
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

[thedrifter]

Marketing translations
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

[thedrifter]

Someone died playing golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[thedrifter]

Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

[thedrifter]

Quotes from stupid 02
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV

"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

[thedrifter]

Compare the genders
Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[thedrifter]

An organization that makes men fear marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

[thedrifter]

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

[thedrifter]

Swerve to avoid a box
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 02
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 02
You might be a redneck if...

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

[thedrifter]

Mixed football jokes
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

[Phantom Blooper]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After awhile the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich doesn't it

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a fishing pole but didn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.



There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.



She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes,"



She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.



He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. Test line... It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."



She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it.



He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts.



At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.



He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."



She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"



He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Walmart."
:)

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 05

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

[thedrifter]

Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[thedrifter]

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[thedrifter]

Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

[thedrifter]

Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 04
If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

[thedrifter]

A cultural comparison
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.


Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.


Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.


Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.


Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.


Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.


Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[thedrifter]

Reward for goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

Ultra dumb people 01
The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

[thedrifter]

That's a real bargain
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

[thedrifter]

Men advising women
Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

[thedrifter]

Like Father, Like Husband?
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

[thedrifter]

Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[thedrifter]

Ponderings collection 04
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if 04
You might be a redneck if...

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

[thedrifter]

The Cowboy excuses
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995


Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.


Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.


Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.


Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."


Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.


Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.


Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!


What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!


Tired of going to Disneyland.

[Phantom Blooper]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a
dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

:banana:

[Sgted]

In Memory of Rodney

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio."

"I went to a hooker, and she told me, 'Not on the first date.'"

"My wife does a lot of charity work. She handles all the policemen's balls."

"I went to a nude beach, and they told me it wasn't polite to point."

"At the nude beach I saw a 100-pound man with 50-pound testicles. He told me he was sick. I told him, 'You're not sick. You're half-nuts.'"

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!"

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"They say, 'Love thy neighbor as thy self.' What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?"

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me ."

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No. I hate myself now.'"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"I went to see my doctor - you know him, Dr. Vinny Boom Batz. I told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.""

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, "All right, you're ugly too.""

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel"

Rodney Dangerfield
1921 - 2004
Thanks for all the laughs!

[Ed Palmer]

THE GREAT PHILOSOPHER

[Ed Palmer]

As I was saying....
http://www.gndsb.com/ed/ed.bmp

[Osotogary]

A ninety year old gentleman leaves his rest home and goes to town for the day. He meets a very nice seventy year old woman while in town. The get along very well, have lunch and then she invites him over to her home where they get quite comfortable with one and another and consumate their relationship.
About five days later the old man notices that he is beginning to "drip". He goes to a doctor and the doctor asks him if has had sex lately. He replies, yes. The doctor asks, "Do you know the woman's name and address?" "Why?" asks the old man. The doctor replies, "Well sir, I'd call her up and get to her house as soon as you can because....it appears that you are about to climax!"

[Sgted]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."