Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 44 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Veterans

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:41 AM

The new Euro language

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:41 AM

Question answer

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:42 AM

Deaf lady in trouble

One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

thedrifter

10-16-04, 05:59 AM

Answering machine message 111

1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.

2: (Background:) What are you doing?

1: I'm recording an answering machine message.

2: But we're here right now.

1: But we might not be here later.

2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 05:59 AM

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

thedrifter

10-16-04, 05:59 AM

Fear of bombs on planes

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:00 AM

Someone stole things from me

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:00 AM

There is a blind man here to see you

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:00 AM

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:01 AM

Bumper stickers 03

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:01 AM

Touring a new saw mill

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:02 AM

The laws of golf

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:02 AM

Entering into Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:02 AM

Stupid people awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:03 AM

Did you make a donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:03 AM

Wedding practical joke

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:04 AM

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:04 AM

Request before death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:05 AM

Things to ponder

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

thedrifter

10-16-04, 06:05 AM

You might be a redneck if ...

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

Ed Palmer

10-16-04, 10:11 AM

3 Southern Belles
3 Southern ladies are all wanting to take a trip to New York. They decide to work & save all there monies so as to be able to take the trip. After 6 weeks of working they decide to pool all the money & buy a round trip ticket to New York. They find that they opnly have enough to buy one ticket, so they draw straws to decide who goes.
After the trip, the young lady has returned and begins to tell her girlfriends all about New York city.
(in a southern acent) she says in New York, they have men that kiss on men. They call them gay. (lady #2) What else do they have in New York? In New York, they has ladies that kiss on laadies. What do they call them? They call them lesbians. (lady # 3 ) Well, what else do they have in New York? Well, in New York, they have men that like to kiss a ladies privates!! Well....what do they call them. (lady #1) I don't know, but when he got done, I called him precious!

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:11 AM

Answering machine message 112

1: Hey, would you get the phone?

2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone!

1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it?

2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway!

1: Nicole, you always pull this garbage when it's your turn to get it!

2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then!

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:11 AM

Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:12 AM

Boarding from what gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:12 AM

The wife is not speaking to me

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:12 AM

Are the pilots flying blind?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:13 AM

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:13 AM

Bumper stickers 19

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:13 AM

English is really crazy

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:14 AM

The laws of golf

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:14 AM

Fulfilling their requests

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:15 AM

Stupid people stories

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:15 AM

I want to take money with me

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:16 AM

Women's instructions

WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:16 AM

This wife is too jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:16 AM

Policemen in Heaven

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:17 AM

Things to ponder

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:17 AM

You might be a redneck if ...

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

thedrifter

10-17-04, 07:18 AM

Question answer

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

Ed Palmer

10-17-04, 09:17 AM

Proprietary hardware

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-*****, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you *******, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, **** I can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one," he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the **** out of him. "You dumb ass, pendejo, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BIGGEST ONE."

__________________

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:44 AM

Answering machine message 114

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:45 AM

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:45 AM

know you were drunk yesterday
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:45 AM

There are no dogs allowed here
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:45 AM

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:46 AM

Bumper stickers 07
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:46 AM

Measuring on the job
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:47 AM

The laws of golf
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:47 AM

Filling in for St. Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:47 AM

True stupid stories 02
Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:48 AM

Lawyer's club
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:48 AM

Don't take any chances
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:48 AM

Swerve to avoid a box
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:49 AM

Things to ponder
How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:49 AM

You might be a redneck if ...
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

thedrifter

10-18-04, 06:49 AM

Question answer
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 03:22 PM

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two
U.S.government officials sent to interview him.

" Chief Two Eagles " asked one official, " You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen
his wars and his technological advances. You've also seen his progress,
and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go
wrong ? "

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied ..

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .
" Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve on a system like
that. "

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 04:25 PM

Changing Tires

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "dont your ears ever get cold ?"

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 04:27 PM

Personal Questions

Did you hear about the 10-year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turned toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an `F' in sex."

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 04:30 PM

More Sex in Bed

Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on the bed and said,"Do you know what I want?" Gomer, looking confused, said "No." The lady then removed her clothes. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. "Now do you know what I want?" Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she could, her heels touching each side of the bed. "NOW, do you know what I want?" "Yes, ma'am," Gomer replied, "You're tired, you want to take a nap, and you want the whole bed to yourself."

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 04:35 PM

Princess
United Airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everybody in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend,he came swishing down the isle and announced to the passengers,"Captain Marvey,has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly,lovely people,so if you can just put your trays up that would be super." On his trip back up the isle,he noticed that a well dressed,rather exotic middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy- poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am a princess,and I take orders from no one."To which the flight attendant replied, with out missing a beat,"Well sweet cheeks in my country,I'm considered a Queen,so I out rank you.Put the tray up, B..ch

Ed Palmer

10-18-04, 04:44 PM

Subject: The Undertaker..
>
> There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and
become
>great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that
was
>going
>on, they were always right in the middle of it.
> When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate
way. Two
>or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They
were
>very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of
them
>asked the other what he was doing for work. "I'm an undertaker,"
>responded the friend.
>"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one
>looking for excitement."
>
>There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just
>the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room.
When I
>entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a
huge
>erection. I didn't want to take h! im out like that, so I took a
hanger
>from the closet, and gave it a good swat ... You want to talk about
>excitement???
> I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
>

Phantom Blooper

10-19-04, 06:22 AM

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of
the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the
road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows,
they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to
get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each
other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her
husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are
those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride
says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I
hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

:banana:

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:05 AM

Answering machine message 113
Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":

We're not here now,
We're not here now,
Don't hang up,
Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number,
Leave your name and number,
We'll call back,
We'll call back.

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:06 AM

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:06 AM

The plane is crashing into the ocean
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:06 AM

I think I'll try a nicer approach
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:07 AM

A blind man vists the state of Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:07 AM

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:07 AM

Bumper stickers 08
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:08 AM

Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:08 AM

The laws of golf
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:08 AM

Leader of the HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:09 AM

True stupid stories 02
Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:09 AM

Actual stupid questions asked
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:09 AM

Women's instructions
WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:09 AM

A way to save your marriage
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:10 AM

Don't arrest the judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:10 AM

Things to ponder
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:10 AM

You might be a redneck if ...
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

thedrifter

10-19-04, 08:11 AM

Taking the final exam
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:11 AM

Nothing tougher than Sea Duty

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:14 AM

Brings tears to my eyes

Marines vs Airbornes

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.

The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:17 AM

CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS

Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf (http://)

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:19 AM

For the Outdoorsman in you.....
A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.She says,"Excuse me sir,can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says,"Ma'am I'm completely blind,but if you drop it on the counter.I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel with a 10lb. test line.It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."She says,"It's amazing you can tell all that just from me dropping it on the counter,I'm amazed,I'll take it." As she opens her purse her credit card falls out.As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrsed.Then she she realizes that the blind clerk could not really tell if it was her or someone else who farted. The man rings up the sale and says,"That will be $34.50,please." The woman is totally confused by this and said,"Didn't you tell me that it was on sale for $20.00.How did you get $34.50?" He replies,Yes Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00 ,but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:25 AM

Senior Citizens

Horace Feebilmeind, the oldest man in the state, decides to visit a prostitute on his 105th birthday.

He calls an "agency" which promises to send over the most beautiful woman they have. He strips in anticipation, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door to find a tall, svelte, stacked red-head standing there. She takes one look, snorts, and says, "I'll tell ya, old man! You've had it!"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay. How much do I owe you?"

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 08:37 AM

DRUNKARD AND THE GHOST.....

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One
of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making
several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human
waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible
face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the
bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"

And the drunk replied, "I just beat the **** out of a
ghost...!"

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 01:53 PM

Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The

editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and

take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of

hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived,

he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled

up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the

photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-19-04, 02:09 PM

Rabbi up to the bar, boys

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should."

The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin' again."

The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, everytime the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

__________________

Sgted

10-19-04, 09:45 PM

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

HardJedi

10-19-04, 09:49 PM

LOL Sgted

Ed Palmer

10-20-04, 07:15 AM

DUSTY UNDERWEAR

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's
'Miracle Grow'."

__________________

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:29 AM

Answering machine message 115
(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:29 AM

Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:29 AM

Half off these tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:30 AM

I bet I can bite both of my eyes
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:30 AM

Blind question and answer jokes
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:30 AM

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:30 AM

Bumper stickers 09
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:31 AM

Why English is tough
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:31 AM

The laws of golf
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:31 AM

Stupid people stories
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:32 AM

Education for women
Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:32 AM

Wedding practical joke
Who has the ring?

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.

The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:32 AM

Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:33 AM

Things to ponder
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:33 AM

You might be a redneck if ...
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:33 AM

English is really crazy
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 07:34 AM

He is new to baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Ed Palmer

10-20-04, 08:02 AM

Heart Attack

"Jokes for women only" (Men, please excuse

A man came home from work early one day, and
found his wife naked and panting on the bed.
"Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm
having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the
doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four
year old, who told him there was a naked man in
the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the
door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it,
Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack
and here you are scaring the hell out of the
kids!"

Ed Palmer

10-20-04, 08:10 AM

http:// http://

Ed Palmer

10-20-04, 08:11 AM

Still cant do it

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:22 PM

Three Bulls

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They've heard a
rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren't
happy about sharing any of their cows.

The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences
and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with MY 120 cows.
I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only
60 cows, so I can't afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys,
but I'm still a teenager. I'm already climbing the walls with
just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The
entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest
bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four
feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the
two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well,
maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of
the pasture, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and
shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot
over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth
dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and
pawing the ground again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a
BULL!"

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:22 PM

Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert
outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking
camel tied out back ofthe enlisted men's barracks. He asked the
Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere,
and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have
the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess
it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain
could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN
THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded
to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning
his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men
do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to
ride into town."

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:22 PM

Happy Wasp

A newlywed couple was relaxing at the beach. Suddenly the woman
jumps up and starts yelling, "something just flew into my
vagina! Do something!" The husband rushes her to a local
hospital where an x-ray is performed on her. A few minutes later
her doctor comes back with the results. "Mrs. Davis, apparently
a wasp flew into you, but fear not, there is a simple solution."
He discusses it quietly with the husband, "all you do is rub
some honey on the head of your penis, insert it and as soon as
you feel the wasp yank your penis out and the wasp should fly
out."

Due to the stressful situation, the husband could not get hard,
so the doctor said, "Due to the circumstances, why don't I do
the deed?" After discussing the matter, the couple agreed that
there is no other choice. So the doctor removed his clothes,
rubbed the honey and penetrated her, then he began thrusting in
and out, faster and faster. The husband grabbed him and yelled,
"What the **** are you doing?" To which the doctor replied,
"Change of plan. I decided to drown the bastard!"

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:23 PM

The New Newlywed Game

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens
the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of
beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you
know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the
dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR ****ING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN ****ING MUG AND EAT YOUR ****ING SNACKS, BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT *******?!!"

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:24 PM

Who's the Boss?

When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be
boss.

The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all
thoughts.

The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't
be able to see.

The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that
brought man wherever he wanted to go.

The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for
the whole body and he should be boss.

Then the ******* applied for the job.The other parts laughed so
hard that the ******* got angry and closed up for a week. The
stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go
wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the
******* will be the boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just
an *******.

thedrifter

10-20-04, 06:24 PM

Ford and Women
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well,
you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly
line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God
Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and
introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented
Woman, what were You thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too
much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It
constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of
commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28 6. The rear end
wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the
exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel
consumption is outrageous.

And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report,
and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is
flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."

Sgted

10-20-04, 07:11 PM

CAR THIEVES
An elderly Floridian calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell "Supersex!"
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she yelled, "Supersex!"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend stared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous .
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that you just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap... am I driving???"

thedrifter

10-21-04, 04:29 AM

Answering machine message 116
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

thedrifter

10-21-04, 04:29 AM

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."