Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 43 - Marine Corps

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:30 AM

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:31 AM

Pool Party

Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want
your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your
cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your
alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."
"Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!"

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:31 AM

Golf and the Physical Therapist

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:32 AM

Most Embarrasing

Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This? The following are two of
the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams
of laughter." Amy Richardson-- Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend
and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New
York

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:32 AM

Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:33 AM

Would You Kill My Wife

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:33 AM

Vacation at a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom
says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they
are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:34 AM

Things I Learned from Children

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak--it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:34 AM

Why We Love Kids

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a ***** to iron."

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:35 AM

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:36 AM

Old Couple Arrived in Heaven

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and
exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a
master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course would change to new one that
represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it
is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and
you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and
shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:36 AM

You think your day is bad!!!

Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:37 AM

A Psychology Experiment

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:37 AM

Answering Machine Owners Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."

Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"

"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .
. . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

thedrifter

10-04-04, 05:38 AM

Olympic Wrestling Title

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

Phantom Blooper

10-04-04, 06:10 AM

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive
into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun
flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I
see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I
apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
"But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
him. I'll give
him the three things I would want - a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and
the American golfer is back On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little
guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact,
that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf
game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win
fortunes in golf.

If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting
to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's
all? Only once or twice a week?!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

10-04-04, 06:17 AM

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Virginia Man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt. Police suspect a cereal killer.

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

10-04-04, 06:43 AM

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

:)

Phantom Blooper

10-04-04, 06:45 AM

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s*#t again"

:banana:

nc.gal

10-04-04, 11:26 AM

CAT'S CHRISTMAS

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"Cuzz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart-----ate his mouse intestines and chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, which made him take pause----he stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty (that quite clever cat)---"Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa, so jolly and fat----with a huge load of presents and all for the cat.

"WOW, the best Christmas ever!"---Kitty thought with a purr, then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur!.

nc.gal

10-04-04, 11:36 AM

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS CHEER WHEN......

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say,"Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home--and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

yellowwing

10-04-04, 01:28 PM

"13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket." - Once while on rifle-range training, (a whole wonderful week off just to shoot and party), I walked into Taco Bell and ordered one tortilla. No meat, no cheese, no sauce, just one tortilla.

nc.gal

10-04-04, 02:54 PM

BANKERS BALLS!!!!!!

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the presidentof the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the presidents office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take by bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet $25,000 says the presidents's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay", said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked her, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's presidents balls in my hand."

nc.gal

10-04-04, 03:11 PM

ANIMAL THOUGHTS
(after watching that imbecile on tv who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible....)

DOG--"They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

GOLDFISH---"Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over----OH Boy! fish flakes."

DOG----"Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

GOLDFISH---"The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

PARROT-----"Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

CAT----"Why are these people in my house?"

DOG----"I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

GOLDFISH----"Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

CAT------"I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

DOG---"The 'pretending to throw a stick game is getting old, but I seems unable to stop myself from looking for it."

CAT-----"Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

DOG---"Why is the baby eating my food"

HAMSTER----"Kill me, this wheel is boring!"

IGUANA---"Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these f***ing annoying wood chips."

DOG---"Man, my dog food looks exactly like my $hit! Well, if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

GERBIL----"OH NO, not again!"

DOG---"I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

CAT----"Oh no, he's picking me up to do another "land on all fours off the balcony" test again."

BUNNY----"I wonder if she will notice I $hit in her pillow case?"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:20 AM

Hole in One

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:20 AM

Betting Old Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets".

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure" says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.

The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:20 AM

His last wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:21 AM

More rope

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.

While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, "What are they doing?"

He says, "They're making love."

"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" she asked.

"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.

"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.

He says, "Those are his knots."

She says, "Oh, OK, I got it."

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:21 AM

Ouch

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.

When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . "

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:21 AM

The brothel's madam opened the door to find a frail, elderly gentleman standing there. "May I help you?" asked the madam.

"I want Natalie," replied the old man.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie," insisted the old man.

Just then, Natalie appeared and advised the old man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for an hour, after which the old man calmy left.

The next evening, he appeared at the brothel again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... the price was still $1000. Again, he took out the money and the two of them went up to a room. An hour later, he left.

No one could believe it when he showed up the third consecutive night. Again, he demanded to see Natalie, handed her the money and they went up to a room. After the hour had passed, Natalie questioned him. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Los Angeles," he replied.

"Really?" Natalie said. "I have family living there."

"Yes, I know," the old man said. "Your father passed away and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you $3000."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:22 AM

Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:22 AM

3 ducks

A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.

"Hi, what's your name," he asks the first duck

"Luey"

"What you been doing today"

"I've been playing around in Puddles"

"Nice, and your are?" he askes the second

"Huey"

"And what have you been doing today?"

"I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again"

"Oh," and to the last," you must be Duey?"

"NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:22 AM

Anniversary Genie

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! immediately he turned ninety.

Gotta love that fairy!

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:23 AM

In-Flight Accident

Entertainment A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:23 AM

Irishman Drunk and F

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?"

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:23 AM

Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:24 AM

Cows Getting It

Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull **** the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He ****ed the white one!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:24 AM

Selling Insect Repel

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:24 AM

Pebble Flintstone

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.

Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Fred says, "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.

"What's that, mommy?" she asks.

"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:25 AM

Triplets

There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets.

The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's to damn dark up in here."

The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me."

The third baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I'm gonna cut it's ****ing head off."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:25 AM

Daddy Jonny

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:26 AM

The assignment

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.

It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for 3 days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for 3 weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

To which Little Johnny replies, "Well Miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:26 AM

The Fastest Camel

A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:

WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him," What can I do for you?".

"Well, sir," the man replies, " I noticed your sign and I'm interested in your help. You see my camel's been slowing down a bit and I don't really want to trade him in for a new one."

The vendor says, "That won't be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It's guaranteed."

"O.K. Let's do it."

The vendor says," Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform."

While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.

"Stand back," he cautions the traveler.

The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel's balls.

The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.

"Wow!," said the man,"That's the fastest I've seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?"

The vendor says with a smile,"Please step onto the platform, sir."

thedrifter

10-05-04, 06:27 AM

k9 Unit

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:44 AM

Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:45 AM

Question and answer

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:45 AM

Answering machine message 100

"If I Only Had A Brain":

I might be in the shower,

I might be gone for hours,

I can't come to the phone.

So, please leave your name and number,

If I miss you it'd be a bummer,

Leave your message at the tone...

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:46 AM

Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:46 AM

What was the problem before?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:47 AM

I'm trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:47 AM

Blind question and answer jokes

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:48 AM

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:48 AM

Bumper stickers 13

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:48 AM

One-liner about business

Common sense is not so common.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:49 AM

A BBS Commandment

3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:49 AM

Irishman declares war

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:50 AM

We could have been here sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:50 AM

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 01:51 AM

Evaluating progress

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:04 AM

Careful when you wish

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:04 AM

True stupid stories 01

Really Stupid People

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:05 AM

What is the oldest profession?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:06 AM

Women seeking men

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:07 AM

Wedding practical joke

A secret pregnant lover

At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:07 AM

The results of statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:08 AM

Sleeping on the job

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:16 PM

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:16 PM

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:16 PM

Inspecting the truck

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:17 PM

Clinton one-liner

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:18 PM

Things to ponder

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:18 PM

You might be a redneck if ...

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:19 PM

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."

thedrifter

10-06-04, 05:20 PM

Question answer

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?

"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter

"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:37 AM

The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:38 AM

Someone died playing golf

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:38 AM

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:38 AM

This is my first golf lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:39 AM

Is he a good dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:39 AM

I did all of that?

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:39 AM

Golfing with an older man

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:40 AM

The amazing golf ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:40 AM

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:40 AM

Slow golfers are ahead of us

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:41 AM

What will you do for golf?

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:41 AM

I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:41 AM

The problems with golf

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:42 AM

Quotes from stupid 01

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:42 AM

Quotes from stupid 02

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV

"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:42 AM

Quotes from stupid 03

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."

"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:43 AM

Stupid people awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:43 AM

Stupid people stories

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

thedrifter

10-07-04, 05:43 AM

Truly stupid people 01

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.

Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...

The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...

Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.

BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GOT A LIGHT?

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

nc.gal

10-07-04, 08:14 PM

HIM AND HER

01. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

02. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need.

03. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

04. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

05. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

06. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

07. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

08. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

09. Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

10. Any married man should forget his mistakes---there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

11. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

13. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

14. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

15. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

nc.gal

10-07-04, 08:25 PM

WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET????????????????????????????
(comebacks to that all time favorite question:)

01. You haven't asked yet.

02. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

03. Because I just love hearing this question.

04. Just lucky, I guess.

05. It gives my mother something to live for.

06. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

07. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

08. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

09. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

18. What? And lost all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

20. Why aren't you thin?

21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

22. (bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

nc.gal

10-07-04, 08:57 PM

33 Great Reasons To Be A Guy:

01. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

02. You know stuff about tanks.

03. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

04. You can open all your own jars.

05. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

06. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

07. You can leave the bed unmade.

08. You can kill your own food.

09. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

10. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

11. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

12. Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.

13. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

14. Everything on your face stays its original color.

15. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

17. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

18. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking:"He must be mad at me."

20. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

21. Wedding dress---$2,000. Tuxedo rental--75 bucks.

22. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

23. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

24. Your pals will never trap you with ::"So, notice anything different?"

25. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

26. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. You almost never have strap problems in public.

28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. You don't have to shave below your neck.

31. Gas (at either end) is cool.

32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:34 AM

Answering machine message 106

Hitchhikers Guide theme: The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:34 AM

My men are very brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:34 AM

There's a parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:35 AM

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:35 AM

Skydiving blind

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:35 AM

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:36 AM

One-liner about business

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:36 AM

Bumper stickers 18

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:37 AM

thedrifter

10-08-04, 06:37 AM

Sue over the property

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Phantom Blooper

10-09-04, 04:51 AM

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

:banana:

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:31 AM

Wedding practical joke

Variation of return your keys

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:31 AM

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:31 AM

Rob the supermarket

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:32 AM

A geologist's song 06

The geology poem
Ode to Olivine in Thin Section, a poem by Brenna Lorenz

In basalt a lurid green
Bespeaks the savage olivine;
Mantle's child, born of fire,
Restless in the open air,
Little beads of anger bear
The torture of desire.

Silica upon its face
It suffers, helpless, in disgrace,
Its powers of reaction bound
By solid's bond and cage,
In agony confined to rage
Unstable and unsound.

Its birefringent power plays
The sifted light to rare displays;
The haunting, primal colors tell
Of fire and fury's flag unfurled,
Flag of fluid, nether world,
Beneath the fragile shell.

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:32 AM

Question answer

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!

thedrifter

10-09-04, 07:33 AM

Bum in need of food
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:47 PM

Wrong Cell Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,

"Okay... who's phone is this?"

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:48 PM

Father and Son

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:48 PM

Marriage or Prison

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:49 PM

Sex Talk

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:49 PM

Wedding Registry

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:49 PM

How Many Kids?

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

thedrifter

10-09-04, 12:50 PM

Farmer's Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:52 AM

Question and answer

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:53 AM

Answering machine message 109

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:53 AM

Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:53 AM

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:54 AM

The number twelve goes to a bar

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:54 AM

Are the pilots flying blind?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:54 AM

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:55 AM

Bumper stickers 20

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:55 AM

Trapped within a bog

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:56 AM

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:56 AM

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:56 AM

True stupid stories 02

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:57 AM

just managed to settle an account!

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:57 AM

Lightbulb joke

Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.

Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:57 AM

Education for women

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

thedrifter

10-10-04, 05:58 AM

Wedding practical joke

Brake wired to the horn

The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

Phantom Blooper

10-10-04, 04:23 PM

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.

:)

nc.gal

10-10-04, 06:17 PM

MAN FALLS ASLEEP AT CHURCH!!!

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem---my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", he said. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?", he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus", Mr. Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones", said the minister. Soon Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?", he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God", Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again", said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again nodded off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that g o d d a m n e d thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$."

"AMEN", replied the congregation.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:01 AM

Answering machine message 140

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:01 AM

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:01 AM

Who keeps saying those things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:02 AM

The train has failed

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:02 AM

Question answer

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:03 AM

You are from Canada

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

You can play road hockey on skates.

You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:03 AM

You might be a redneck if ...

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:04 AM

Things to ponder

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:04 AM

Clinton one-liner

If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:04 AM

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:05 AM

Problems remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?
A variation
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:05 AM

Wedding practical joke
Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

I have done that already...Ellie:banana:

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:06 AM

Women seeking men

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

thedrifter

10-11-04, 07:06 AM

Bumper stickers 05
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

nc.gal

10-11-04, 11:37 AM

BOY OR GIRL ??????

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See........blue booties."

**************************************************
************************************************** **
AIN'T SHE CUTE:

Father:(at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled----isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

nc.gal

10-11-04, 11:42 AM

PROUD TEXAN FATHER

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds"

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weight twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Sparrowhawk

10-11-04, 12:59 PM

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must
have it.

He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun
following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind
him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot
toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the
MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the
millions
of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you
have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."

nc.gal

10-11-04, 01:39 PM

ELECTRIC TRAIN

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,"All of you sons of b i t c h e s....who want off, get the he!l off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b i t c h e s..who are getting on, get your a$$es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room as you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue,"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b i t c h...in the kitchen.

nc.gal

10-11-04, 01:49 PM

10 HUSBANDS, STILL A VIRGIN

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 wa a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was....God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

thedrifter

10-11-04, 01:53 PM

Hooked

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for
some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You
see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own
Manhattan!"

nc.gal

10-11-04, 01:53 PM

COMMAND

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay---Do you hear me?---Stay!---
Stay!

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Lady, why don't you just put it in park?"

thedrifter

10-11-04, 01:54 PM

The Gift

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.

thedrifter

10-11-04, 01:54 PM

Dead Frog on a String

One day, a 12 year old boy walks into a *****house dragging a
dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to
the madam, "I wanna woman."

"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a
woman." The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the
counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what
kind of woman he wants.

"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis,
crabs, the works. I want the nastiest ***** in the place."

Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here."
So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a
room down the hall and says "last door on the right."

The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string,
and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and
then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as
he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks
why on earth he would want someone so nasty.

"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven
o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then
when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take
the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna
come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll
screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman
will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here's where
it all comes down you see!! I'm gonna really get him, because
the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!!"

thedrifter

10-11-04, 05:58 PM

Six Types of Sex

SIX TYPES OF SEX-

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could fly

nc.gal

10-11-04, 09:26 PM

PARENT DEFINITIONS!!!

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM also.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!! what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first work spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimium so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT? none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

jo_beth

10-11-04, 10:31 PM

<b>Underwear Is Important</b>

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
:banana:

HardJedi

10-11-04, 10:36 PM

LMAO! Jo_beth that WAS good LOL

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:12 AM

Demerit System used by Women

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed............................................... ...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father............................................ ..-10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up................................................ ......+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them.............................................. ....-60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:13 AM

Physical Exam

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes
out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm
doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came
here in the first place."

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:14 AM

She's a Man

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most
gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's
beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she's a man."

The man is shocked, "No way!"

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man.
But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going
to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the "woman" and strikes up a converstaion. They hit
it off really well. And the man is loving it because this woman is even
better looking up close. Before long the man suggests that he drives them
out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the
car. They continue the "clothes on" making out for a while, until the
woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call
of nature.

"This is my chance," thinks the man, "I'll follow her and find out what
sex she is." So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is
seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling
between her legs.

"Damn! She's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." The man is outraged
and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

"And I didn't know you were taking a ****!" The man replies.

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:14 AM

Ten Thousand Dollars

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to
the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled
him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and
proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This
went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:15 AM

Thirty Times in a Row!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in
the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to
perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know
that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:15 AM

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:17 AM

Just Trying to See Your Panties

Once there was this little boy and he was really perverted. He
liked to look up little girl's skirts. One day he had a sucker
with him and he told this little girl that he would give her the
sucker if she would climb to the top of the monkey bars
(Unbeknownst to her, he was gonna look up her skirt). So the
little girl glimbed to the top and the little boy gave her the
sucker.

The little girl walked home that day and her mother immediately
noticed the sucker hanging out of her mouth. Her mother asked
her where she got the sucker and the little girl told her the
story of the little boy and the monkeybars. Her mother was
appalled and she scolded her little girl for falling for the
trick. She said "Don't you know that little boy was just trying
to see you panties?"

The little girl went to school the next day and the little boy
offered her another sucker in exchange for her climbing to the
top of the monkey bars. She said, "My Mommie told me that all
you wanted to do was look at my panties-and I'm not going to let
you!"

Now the little boy was determined so he offered her a whole bag
of suckers and she accepted. She went home and her mother
scolded her again!

She went to school the next day datermined that the little boy
was not going to see her panties. But, he offered her 2 bags of
suckers and she gave in. That afternoon she went home and her
mother proceded to scold her again. "But mommy," she said, "I
tricked him, I wasn't wearing any panties today!"

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:18 AM

Quiz

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask
her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I
knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane
asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's
question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the
penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at
ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And
Roger asked her again in the

morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after
reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:19 AM

Radio Station Competition

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.... One of the FM
stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three
personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three
questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1--When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr...about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K....O.K....On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in room--much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it
O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,
say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to
Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K....About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...just
tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh....alright....Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and
sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.
Now we'll take a music break.

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:20 AM

Affairs

First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
************************************************** ***************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
************************************************** ***************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:21 AM

Psalm 129!!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and
reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up
psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great
opportunity!

thedrifter

10-12-04, 06:22 AM

Lost Sneakers

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and
then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as
to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me
here to have anal sex with you."

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK,
let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of
them?"

The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"

Phantom Blooper

10-12-04, 06:49 AM

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours
of hard work and little compensation... and when canned
Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an
advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme
beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know
all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo
drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation
LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even
though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no s#*t to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b#*!h

:banana:

nc.gal

10-12-04, 02:58 PM

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh Mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" , said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?", her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still !"

:D

nc.gal

10-12-04, 03:03 PM

I COULD USE A LITTLE MONEY

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tuding very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o, if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love
Dad

nc.gal

10-12-04, 03:07 PM

BEAUTIFUL

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful", it was "cute".

She said, "What happened to "beautiful?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

nc.gal

10-12-04, 08:47 PM

Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to the lies you have told on Earth. The more you have lied the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W.Bush volunteered to go first. Clinton, knowing he had told many lies decided he would have to face up to his life of lies.

John Kerry, hero that he is, stood back until the others had taken a stand on what they would do. Slowly George W.Bush began into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat,thinking that all of his lies were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see how the other two were doing. A shock of surprise registered on his face as he saw John Kerry almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I don't believe this, the man told constant lies, he rarely told the truth. I can't believe you have fallen for his lies too."

Archangel Michael replied calmy----"He's standing on Clinton's shoulders."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

10-13-04, 05:36 AM

A farmer had a horny old rooster that kept screwing the hens to death. One
day the farmer comes out and finds every single hen had been screwed dead.
He tells the old rooster that some day he is going to screw himself to
death. The next day the farmer comes out and finds all the ducks dead. He
tells the old rooster that some day he is going to screw himself to death.
The next day the farmer comes out and sees the old rooster lying out in the
field dead. The farmer walks over to the rooster and says "I told you some
day you would screw yourself to death". The old rooster opened on eye and
said "shhh buzzards".

:banana:

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:45 AM

Answering machine message 135

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:46 AM

Trouble with plane engines

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:46 AM

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:47 AM

Bumper stickers 15

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:47 AM

Irish girl confesses sins

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:48 AM

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:49 AM

Picking a punishment

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:49 AM

True stupid stories 02

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:49 AM

Leaving money for the dead

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:50 AM

Wedding practical joke

Cigarette problems

At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:51 AM

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

thedrifter

10-13-04, 05:52 AM

Crying about his life

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 08:17 AM

Tampons...?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir,I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'.

So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 08:19 AM

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has
some tests run.

The Doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not
going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten
Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts and forty
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what your ass is for."

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 12:01 PM

Boot camp, U.S. Marines

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 12:11 PM

Posted by thedrifter on May 22 2003 02:51 PM:

History Lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son
of
> a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said
> "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
> "Patrick Henry, 1775."
> "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
> people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
> Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
> Martinez.
> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
> Martinez,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
> do."
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
> "Who said that?" she demanded.
> Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
> The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
> Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
> Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
> Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
> "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
> Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
> anything else, I'll kill you."
> Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
> Levy 2001."
> The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
> floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"
> Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 12:12 PM

Posted by thedrifter on May 22 2003 10:34 PM:

Marines Making Love - Is It Fun or Work:

A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant, said "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.

Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.

The Major says, "Excuse me Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input." "The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"

The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 12:18 PM

Posted by thedrifter on May 23 2003 02:44 PM:
(with Changes)

Hillary Clinton joke

Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.

God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.

"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."

And so Reagan sat at his right.

God then called up Gorbachev.

"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."

And so Gorbachev sat at his left.

God then called up Hillary.

"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"

"Only two things," replied Hillary "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 12:24 PM

Posted by thedrifter on May 23 2003 03:19 PM:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's
one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that
way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab thanked him, staggered away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was
sitting behind his card table. The man said, "...I told you, about four miles
over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-13-04, 01:02 PM

The TJ Solution

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:49 AM

Castrating Headache

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
terrible headaches."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:50 AM

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:50 AM

Which Hole

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my *******." And the idiot went to
Heaven.

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:51 AM

Man with no ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:51 AM

Friendship

Are you tired of all those "frienship" poems that always sound
good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
"friendship" poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth
itself.

My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to
your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is
not speaking to you right now anyway.

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:52 AM

Two Statues in the Park

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from
Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring
you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for
the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down
and I'LL **** on its head."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:52 AM

Actual Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:53 AM

Potential vs. Reality

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His
sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:54 AM

Half sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk
with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in
June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm
awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:54 AM

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:55 AM

An Adult Pig Story

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex
with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the
horn."

thedrifter

10-14-04, 06:55 AM

Women Drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

.....I think not.

Ed Palmer

10-14-04, 08:11 AM

Sign on the dotted line

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

__________________

Ed Palmer

10-14-04, 08:15 AM

VIAGRA
In pharmacology,all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen,Alleve is Naproxen,Advil is Ibuprophen the list is endless......The FDA is looking at possible names for Viagra,and announced it has settled on Mycoxafloppin. Other names considered were Mycoxafailin,Mydixadrupin,Mydixarizen,Mydixadud, Dixafix and Ibepokin. They are also in the process of developing an aeresol form of Viagra call Fixaflat.

Ed Palmer

10-14-04, 08:23 AM

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway

seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his

face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty

bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few

minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say,

Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,

wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your

fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to

his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the

man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to

come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that

the Pope does".

Ed Palmer

10-14-04, 08:46 AM

Liquid soap

Two little old ladies who have a very weak eyesight go shopping one day. After shopping a while, they decide to go to the rest room. Mistakenly, they walk into the men's room instead of the ladies room. Two men who are equally desperate to take a leak are standing on the urinals and about to begin.

The two ladies walk in and the men not knowing what else to do, put their backs against the wall and pretend that they are part of the rest-room fixtures.

The first lady, mistaking one of the men for the sink, walks up to him and pulls his penis a couple of times. The man looses control and lets go. She then turns to the other one and says, "Oh, My... you should try this one. It has warm water!"

The second lady replies, "No dear, I think I'll stick with this one. It not only has warm water, it dispenses liquid soap as well!"

Ed Palmer

10-14-04, 04:26 PM

I stole this from the other site brand x

Cannibals in the Navy...

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you. However, one of our Chief Petty Officers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing. And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:34 AM

Answering machine message 137

Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:34 AM

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:35 AM

The loss of engines

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

thedrifter

10-15-04, 04:35 AM

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"