Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 165


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sinatra!
Sinatra who?
Sinatra be a law!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sinbad!
Sinbad who?
Sinbad and you'll never get to heaven!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sizzle!
Sizzle who?
Sizzle hurt me more than it will hurt you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Soda!
Soda who?
Soda you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sofia!
Sofia who?
Sofia me, I'm hungry!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 149


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Plums!
Plums who?
Plums me that we'll always be friends!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Police!
Police who?
Police open up the door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Prussia!
Prussia who?
Prussia cooker!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Punch!
Punch who?
Not me - I just got here!

[thedrifter]

Welfare Office


A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Hero


Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck quickies 28


You might be a rednack if...

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.

[thedrifter]

Sue


Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[thedrifter]

Trailer trash


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Jedi


You might be a redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

[thedrifter]

Baby light


In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[thedrifter]

Redneck quickies 14


You might be a redneck if...

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

[thedrifter]

Poetry Contest



The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[Ed Palmer]

A Warwickshire, England, man has begun dressing
as a nun when he drives
because he was fed up with aggressive drivers.
Shane Ryan, 40, says other
drivers are much nicer when he's wearing his
habit, giving up parking spaces
for him and waving him through intersections
first. Ryan says it all started
when he went to a costume party dressed as a nun
and noticed how polite
motorists were to him. "The habit's the answer to
my prayers," he said, "I
might look ridiculous, but driving is bliss."

[thedrifter]

Job for Mom


In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her family's home.

Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"

"It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you."

"Oh." said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

"Mother, mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"

"It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"

"Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"

[thedrifter]

Satan's sister


One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[thedrifter]

Tiger, the tiger


A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[thedrifter]

Anniversary Genie


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! immediately he turned ninety.

[thedrifter]

Church Bells


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[thedrifter]

Skin Transplant


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[thedrifter]

Skin graft


A young married woman was once in a terrible accident, and though her life was not in danger, the skin of her face was severely burned.

The doctor told her husband that they would have to do a skin graft, but they could not graft any skin from her own body because she was too thin and her skin was dry.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed to the graft, and that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, and the woman healed, everyone was astounded at her beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before with her lovely, soft skin.

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her new youthful beauty! One night, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

”My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!”

[thedrifter]

20 year anniversary


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

[thedrifter]

Custody


A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[thedrifter]

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside, and handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.'"

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...

"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

[thedrifter]

Divorce


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[thedrifter]

Girls night out


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you.'"

[thedrifter]

Harrassment


A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[thedrifter]

Texas Women


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Penn. and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility.

He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love Texas Women!

[thedrifter]

Flat ones


What do rocks and women have in common?

You skip the flat ones!

[thedrifter]

3 Gals


THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX!

[thedrifter]

41 Things Men Know


41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, ****ing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

[thedrifter]

Biology Test


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.

First, you have not studied your lesson.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

[thedrifter]

Tennis lesson


A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.

After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says, "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member."

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.

The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

[thedrifter]

Wide stance


A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

[thedrifter]

Elderly Speeder


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!"

[thedrifter]

Neutered


One day, an old woman sat in her rocking chair on her front porch.

Beside her slept her mangy old hound, Rex.

All of a sudden, a genie appears, startling the old crone.

"Old woman," the genie says, "I feel sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I’ve decided to grant you three wishes."

The old woman thinks about it and says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."

Poof! The genie turns her into a young, beautiful princess.

The beautiful princess thinks some more and says, "A princess should live in a castle, not a shack like this."

Poof! The shack becomes a huge castle.

The princess thinks a little more, then asks, "Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"

The genie looks around and spots Rex. Poof! Rex is transformed into a handsome prince.

Rex, the handsome prince, strolls up to the beautiful princess and kisses her passionately.

She melts in his arms and cries, "Take me Rex! Take me now!"

With a bitter smile, Rex whispers in her ear, "Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now, *****!"

[thedrifter]

Good trade


A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.

Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

[thedrifter]

Bridge to Hawaii


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said,
'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'

The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'

The genie said,
'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'

[thedrifter]

Men vs Women


Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn't really matter.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends:
Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got am more beer?'

Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

[thedrifter]

Men wish women knew


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine - really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex.

[thedrifter]

Golf With The Pope


One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole,Bob hits the ball into a sand trap "Damn, I missed." says Bob. The Pope says,"you shouldn't say that it is bad.

Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. "Damn, I missed." says Bob again. The Pope says, "Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."

Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. "Damn, I missed." says Bob once again. The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope. God's voice echos, "Damn, I missed."

[thedrifter]

Cow Tail


A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

[thedrifter]

One Hole Behind...


A man was golfing. He walked up to a woman standing nearby him and said, "I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember what hole I'm on." And the woman replied, "Well, I'm on hole 6, and you are one hold behind me, so you must be on hole 5." He thanked her and walked away.

A few minutes later he approached her. Again he asked the same question, "I can't remember what hole I'm on. Can you tell me?" And again the woman replied, "Well I'm on hole 10, and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on hole 9."

That was the last time he spoke to her, and they both finished their games seperately.

Later that night the man saw the woman at a bar. He walked up to her and started up a conversation. Making small talk, he asked her what she did for a living. "I don't want to say. You'll laugh," she replied. "Oh, give me a shot. Just tell me who you work for." "Well, ok. But promise not to laugh." (He promised.)

"I work for Tampax, you know, the feminine protection company." After she spoke, the man started cracking up. "See? I told you you'd laugh," she said. "No, no," the man said. "It's not that. It's just that I work for Preparation-H, so I'm always one hole behind you!!"

[thedrifter]

The Devil And The Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[thedrifter]

Wide Stance



A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

[thedrifter]

Charlie's Hole In One


Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."

[thedrifter]

The Deaf Mute Golfer



A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[thedrifter]

Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

[thedrifter]

Funniest One Liners


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

[thedrifter]

Sad life


How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

[thedrifter]

The height of...


Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.

Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.

[thedrifter]

Nasty women?


Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.

[thedrifter]

Good to be a man


Reasons it's good to be a man

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

The National College Cheer leading Championship.

If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can get into a non-trivial ****ing contest.

You can be President.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Same work... more pay.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don't cry off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

Bachelor parties beat the **** over bridal showers.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

There is always a game on somewhere.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'

Baywatch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

All your orgasms are real.

[thedrifter]

Male chauvinist


How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.

What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the **** out of you.

What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do as she's told.

Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

[thedrifter]

One for the boys


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.


Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you've let him in.


All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.


Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.


Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent - wedding cake.

[thedrifter]

In an elevator...


When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[thedrifter]

Disney...


Snow White saw Pinocchio through the woods, so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me! Lie to me!'

And Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy?'
Mickey replied, 'No I didn't. I said she is f***ing Goofy.'

[thedrifter]

Moronic instructions


On a hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping.'

On a bag of chips:
`You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'

On a bar of soap:
'Directions: use like regular soap.'

On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: defrost.'

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
'Fits one head.'

On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
'Do not turn upside down.'

On packaged Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'

On packaging for an iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'

On children's cough medicine:
'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'

On sleep aid:
'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'

On peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.'

On a packet of nuts:
'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'

On a child's Superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

[thedrifter]

Womens t's


Slogans for women's T-shirts:
• I'm out of estrogen - I have a gun.

• Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

• I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

• Next mood swing: six minutes.

• And your point is?

• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

• I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

• Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

• I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

• All stressed out and no one to choke.

• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

• How can I miss you if you won't go away?

• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

• Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

[thedrifter]

Funny Thoughts


How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washington's picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

[thedrifter]

Funny Thoughts


Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

[thedrifter]

As Seen On Bumpers


* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

* "All generalizations are false."

* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."

* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"

* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"

* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."

* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."

* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

[thedrifter]

Grocery bag


What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

[thedrifter]

Important


Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?

Because men can see better than the they can think.

[thedrifter]

Tofu and dildos


What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

[thedrifter]

Rubick's Cube


What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get

[thedrifter]

All booked up!


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, can't. It's all booked up for a year."

[thedrifter]

Jonah's Fate


A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

[thedrifter]

Disgraced family


A young girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys."

"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted!

[thedrifter]

First time?


A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[thedrifter]

Customer Service


For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[thedrifter]

Daddy Jonny


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[thedrifter]

A Child's Prayer


One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[thedrifter]

Payback


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

[thedrifter]

$10 is $10


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[thedrifter]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[thedrifter]

Cows Getting It


Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull **** the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He ****ed the white one!"

[thedrifter]

Triplets


A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[thedrifter]

Excuses!


A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

[thedrifter]

Baked beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself:

"She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep form gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.

He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells(indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thedrifter]

Tiger, the tiger


A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[thedrifter]

Betting Old Lady


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets".

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure" says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.

The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

[thedrifter]

Lawers in contempt




> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, "Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > "She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. I've known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think you're a rising > > > big shot when you > > > haven't the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, "Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?"

She > > > again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man can't build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him."

The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, "If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > you'll be jailed for > > > contempt!"

[thedrifter]

P'd off!


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head."

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."

"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

[thedrifter]

Bigger means dumber


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Ed Palmer]

Thought for the day .......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra to day than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

[thedrifter]

Bigger than a horse


A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he ****ed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

[thedrifter]

Drink For The Women


One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little **** head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'

[thedrifter]

Wine Warnings


Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[thedrifter]

12-inch pianist


There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

[thedrifter]

The Healer


A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

[thedrifter]

Got Any Grapes?


A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[thedrifter]

All You Can Drink


A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"



"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

[thedrifter]

Women pleasing dog


A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.

[thedrifter]

St Patrick was gay


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[thedrifter]

Time To Go Home


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[thedrifter]

I Nearly ****ed Myse


Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and **** into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring ****ing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could **** all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

[thedrifter]

Guys take man home


Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Ode to beer


'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.

'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.

'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.

'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.

'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.

'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.

'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.

'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.

'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.

'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.

'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.

'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.

'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.

'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.

'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown

'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.

'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.

'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.

'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson

[thedrifter]

Rolling out of bed


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you, grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, they have wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all, I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing!?" he asks.

"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[thedrifter]

Housekeeper


This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[thedrifter]

Viagra quickies 2


A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

[thedrifter]

In the Restaurant


A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's.

She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.'

The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'

'Naah...' she says, 'that's okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.'

[thedrifter]

Viagra as diet pill


One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite."

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that viagra."

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."

The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

[thedrifter]

Viagra for Gramps


This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[thedrifter]

Sex Pills


There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"

[thedrifter]

Diary


DEAR DIARY

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ..

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!.

[thedrifter]

Artificial Vagina


A man goes into a chemist's and starts talking to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks the guy if he has seen the shop's newest product, The Artificial Vagina.

The man doesn't believe the pharmacist so the pharmicist takes one out from behind the counter and shows it to him.

"Bloody hell! It looks just like one"

"Give it a real test, just smell it."

"Wow! It smells just like one!"

"A final test, just feel it."

"I can't believe it, it feels just like a real one, I'll buy it!"

"Should I wrap it up?"

"No, I'll eat it here."

[thedrifter]

Appetite


A woman asks her husband, "Would you like bacon and eggs for your breakfast?"

He declines, saying, "It's the Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "How about a bowl of homemade soup or a cheese sandwich, perhaps?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's the Viagra," he says. "It really takes away my desire for food."

Dinner time comes around, she asks again if he'd like anything to eat, "A microwave pizza would only take a couple of minutes. Would you like some?"

He says, "Nah, I'm still not hungry."

So she says, "Well in that case, would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

[thedrifter]

Ingredients


What are the main ingredients in VIAGRA?

HELIUM AND FIX-A-FLAT.

[thedrifter]

Viagra...


There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat... I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, "only one pill a day, and I'll call you at the end of the week."
So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working.
The man replies, "Oh their great! I haven't had sex like this for 10 years!"
The doctor tells him to "keep it up, and remember... only ONE pill a day."
The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, "I'm addicted! I haven't had sex like this since I was 16!" Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day.
The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. "Are your parents there?" the doctor asked.
"Well... they are but there locked in their room and won't come out." The boy answered.
"Ok.. I'll call back in 3 hours." The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again.
"You just missed them... they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs." The boy informed him.
"Listen I'll be there in 5 minutes!" The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later.
When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boy's parents were.
The boy took a deep breath and said, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and dad's looking for the cat."

[thedrifter]

Stages of Life


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the cheque before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel's with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig

AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

[thedrifter]

Professor's Dirty Jokes


This is a true story from the 30s.

There was a professor who everyday would start off his class
with a dirty joke. Some of the girls in his class were fed up at
this and decided to leave as soon as he started to tell his joke
the next class. The professor caught wind of their plan and the
next class he began his joke and said, "Lately there's been a
critical shortage of *****s in China." The girls all stood up
and began to walk towards the door. And the professor said,
"Whoa hold on girls, the boat doesnt leave till tommorow!"

[thedrifter]

Doris and Fred


Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their
terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman
applied for the room and explained that she was a model working
in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she
would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for
the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to
start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my
job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't
have a bath. " "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a
tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room
in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about
your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most
weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's been settled, I'll go to the
studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does
not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if
you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains
slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath
for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris
stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her
skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you
believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never
seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your
skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess
you've seen me millions of times." "Yes," said Fred, "I have -
but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[thedrifter]

Young Couple


A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who
was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice
the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget
it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She
said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until
your *******ed attitude changes!"

[thedrifter]

Efficiency at the Restaurant


I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a
spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the
menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random
thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too,
sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room,
and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in
their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I
just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and
after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our
patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other
utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By
preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we
can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5
extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching"
came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen
spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the
next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,"
he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes
darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,
black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I
dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there
were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their
trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so
before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why,
or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time
in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we
can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the
restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you
pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I
use my spoon."

[thedrifter]

Blind Man


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get
even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about
this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?",
calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the
other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind
man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the
man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

[thedrifter]

Elephant Jack


Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting
my penis erected. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the
problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your
penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you,
except, if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor
explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk
of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through
life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green
light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic
evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest
restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure
Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and
then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly
smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I
don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

[thedrifter]

Martian Swingers

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"
responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a
quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept
doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[thedrifter]

Anger management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an @$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '@$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@$$hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW @$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.

I called @$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an @$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @$$hole."


Then I called @$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, @$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

[thedrifter]

Welfare Office


A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[thedrifter]

Limo driver


After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo ( he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, your Eminence, "says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

[thedrifter]

Sex every hour

On the first night of Sheila's and George's vacation in a small town in France, Sheila suggested that they make love each time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

At first George seemed delighted at the prospect, but after four rings he pretended to go out for a quick snack and staggered off to the watchman's tower.

"Excuse me, but could I possibly persuade you to ring the bell every other hour instead of hourly? I'll give you some money."

"Normally I would be happy to oblige you, but I cannot. A beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every quarter hour."

[thedrifter]

Cured


A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Letter to Mom


A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you thatI have eloped with my new boyfriend.

I'll admit I guess I was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons, with all his piercing, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

I know what we have together is true love, real passion and he is so nice to me.

But not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the scientists to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Just please try to be happy for me.

Some day we'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren, I promise.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer...
I love you!

[thedrifter]

disappointment


Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[thedrifter]

Johnny's thinking


One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, "An apple."

The teacher replied, "No, Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."

Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.

"Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it has a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[thedrifter]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"



"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."



"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."



As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."



Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"



The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[thedrifter]

Girls night out


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you.'"

[thedrifter]

3 men in Saudi


An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[thedrifter]

Last Supper


Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But there's one tradition that very few people know about...
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

[thedrifter]

God's identity?


A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white.

Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight.

Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks, "Father, is Michael Jackson God?"

[thedrifter]

Young vs Old Rooster


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farm house young rooster has closed the gap.

He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "That's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

[thedrifter]

Husband shop


Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

[thedrifter]

In A Pinch


After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic and there is a note on the door reading,

"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[thedrifter]

Which one?


Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

[thedrifter]

The sky was dark,
The moon was high.
All alone,
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what,
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers,
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
To place my hand,
On her breasts.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart.

And when she did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time,
Milking a cow!

[thedrifter]

The Smarter Sex


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[thedrifter]

Flying Fruit


There are three guys on a plane, George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Saddam Hussein.

Bored, George Bush blurts out, "I want to see an apple fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A while later Bill Clinton says, "I want to see an orange fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

A little while longer, Saddam Hussein says, "Well, I want to see a grenade fly," so he throws one out the window and it flew.

The plane lands and the three guys are walking down a market street when they come across an old woman crying and rubbing her head.

"Whats the matter?" they ask her.

"I was sitting here tending to my shop when an apple flew from the sky and hit me on the head."

A bit embarrassed, they continue walking down the street.

A while later they come across a man crying and cursing at the sky. "What's the matter?" they ask him.

"I was sitting here minding my own buisness when an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head."

A bit concerned, they continue down the road until they come across a little boy laughing very hard.

"What's so funny?" they ask the little boy.

The little boy leans in close and whispers, "I farted, and the house behind me blew up."

[Sgted]

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell
in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Sparrowhawk]

Aw Sh it (http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm)

[nc.gal]

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day one, the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates, and my son Master Bates." "Oh, does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

[nc.gal]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well then," said Little Johnny, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hit?"

[Ed Palmer]

What did Jeffery Dalhmer ask to Lorena Bobbit

Answer [are you gonna eat that]

[Ed Palmer]

Life is not like a box of chocolates
Its more like a jar of jalapenos
what you do today
might burn your ass tomorrow

[nc.gal]

CONGRESS' NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves. They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose, they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object, to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent. They've got prerequisites--franking, per diem, and more----- bargain-priced haircuts and gyms(three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff, celebrity status----(they've sure got it tough!)

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street, as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.

If all workers decided what they were due, they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small, and one out of 20 has no job at all, our millionaire Congress decides on the budget and trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking. We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.

With hard times, disasters and layoffs on our dockets, we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!
Oh Jobless, Oh Homeless, Oh Desperate and Needy---dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone, take up your pen or pick up your phone. As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged and appalled and beset let your congressman know that you won't forget! When election time comes--and certain it will--you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured they toasted each other and laughed at the herd. And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO US, AND THE PUBLIC BE DAMNED!

[nc.gal]

LATE DRINKING CAN BE DANGEROUS

A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking." The first guy replies,"That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom----pull back the covers----get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will not be any complaints in the morning. The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

[nc.gal]

TWICK OR TWEAT

One Halloween this woman open her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the treat bowl, shines it up with her apron and drops it into the little girl's treat bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag , then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f-u-**ing cookies!"

[thedrifter]

Astro Girl


Nasa is looking for a new way to boost it's ratings. So they decide to send an ordinary woman into space. They place an add and are soon faced with three interviews. The first is a lovely looking woman with neat brown hair. They have only one question to ask which is: "If you could go to any planet, where would you go?"



After a moment of thought the woman replies;"I would go to Mars."



"And why would you like to go there?"



"I find it very interesting and would like to see if there really is life there."



The Nasa men are most impressed with this and promise to call her back and let her know their results.

The next woman is a redhead with a very nice suit on. They ask her the same question to which she replies; "I would like to go to Saturn, so that I could see for myself what the rings look like."



The Nasa guys are happy with this answer and promise to call her back.

The next is a blonde woman wearing a very short skirt and VERY revealing top. They ask her the same question and she gives it a lot of thought and replies; "I would like to go to the sun."



"But don't you know you would burn to death if you went to the sun?"



"Oh don't be silly, I'd go at night."

[thedrifter]

Blonde - Death in th


One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

[thedrifter]

The Blonde Police Of


Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?"

The blonde says, "He only has one eye!".

The man says "No, no, it's a side view."

Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!".

The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!".

So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!"

The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!

The man says, "How did you know that?"

. The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde visits shrink


A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

[thedrifter]

Thermos


A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.

She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'

The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'

The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

So the blonde buys one. The next day she brings the thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, 'What is the shiny object?'

'It's a thermos.'

'What does it do?'

'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?'

The blonde replies, 'Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.'

[thedrifter]

TGIF


A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'

He smiled at her and replied,
'S-H-I-T'

She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'

[thedrifter]

Message to mom


A blonde goes into a world-wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"

With that, the man says "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her to enter and shut the door. The blonde complies.

He then says "Get on your knees" and she does that as well.

He then says "Unzip my fly" and she does.

He then says "Go ahead and take it out."

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says "HELLO, MOM?"

[thedrifter]

Swimming Contest


A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

[thedrifter]

Blonde selling car


A blonde tried to sell her old car.

She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car.

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[thedrifter]

Blondes at Job trial


A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.

A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde on a plane


There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"

The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

[thedrifter]

Med class


A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.

“Now do the same,” he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger."

"Pay attention!”

[thedrifter]

The Facelift


A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"



"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."



"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."



As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."



Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"



The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[thedrifter]

Healthy forest


A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little ****er! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"

[thedrifter]

Minnesota Vikings


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. "

"Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

"The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?

"No," said David, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[thedrifter]

Young vs Old Rooster


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farm house young rooster has closed the gap.

He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "That's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

[thedrifter]

God's identity?


A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white.

Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight.

Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks, "Father, is Michael Jackson God?"

[thedrifter]

In A Pinch


After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic and there is a note on the door reading,

"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[thedrifter]

The Smarter Sex


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[thedrifter]

My first time


The sky was dark,
The moon was high.
All alone,
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what,
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers,
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
To place my hand,
On her breasts.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart.

And when she did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time,
Milking a cow!

[thedrifter]

Customer Service


For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[thedrifter]

Rabbit and The Bear


A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.

He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, “this isn't right, everyone should live in peace.”

So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he'll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female.

Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted.

This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

[thedrifter]

A Child's Prayer


One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[thedrifter]

I want Natalie


The brothel's madam opened the door to find a frail, elderly gentleman standing there. "May I help you?" asked the madam.

"I want Natalie," replied the old man.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie," insisted the old man.

Just then, Natalie appeared and advised the old man that she charges $1000 a visit. Without blinking an eye, he reached in his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two of them then went up to a room for an hour, after which the old man calmy left.

The next evening, he appeared at the brothel again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... the price was still $1000. Again, he took out the money and the two of them went up to a room. An hour later, he left.

No one could believe it when he showed up the third consecutive night. Again, he demanded to see Natalie, handed her the money and they went up to a room. After the hour had passed, Natalie questioned him. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Los Angeles," he replied.

"Really?" Natalie said. "I have family living there."

"Yes, I know," the old man said. "Your father passed away and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you $3000."

[thedrifter]

Betting Old Lady


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets".

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure" says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.

The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

[Ed Palmer]

[thedrifter]

Anger management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an @$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '@$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@$$hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW @$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.

I called @$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an @$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @$$hole."


Then I called @$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, @$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

True Story

[thedrifter]

Picture revenge


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins.

They enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.

Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this, she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was ****ed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

True Again

[thedrifter]

Unreal Court Rulings


1. January 2000. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998. Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over Carl's hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice that someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was exiting a house he had finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up as the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door between the garage and the house had locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr.Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. Mr. Williams was also in the yard. The award was less than the amount sought because the jury felt that the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams, who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two front teeth. This occurred when Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

true

[thedrifter]

Nursing Home


No nursing home for me. I am checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

Laundry, movies, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday.Inn


True

[thedrifter]

Losing weight


Sex is the most practical and
funniest way of losing weight.
Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed - 816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry - 98 cal
With her husband opening the door - 218 cal

[thedrifter]

50 Top Headlines


1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

[thedrifter]

1999 Darwin Awards


Runners-up

1. In Los Angeles, Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a 'pineapple' (an illegal firecracker), which is the explosive equivalent of half a stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window just 3 m away from the hive. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Ani needed stitches, the two brothers headed off to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.

2, Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in Minneapolis with third-degree murder for his involvement in the death of his beloved cousin Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol - instead of the more traditional revolver to Ken's head and fired.

3. In Phillipsburg, New Jersey, an unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on sequined panties he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. 'I didn't think he was going to eat it,' the dancer identified only as Ginger said, adding, 'He was really drunk.'

4. In Moscow, a drunken security man asked a colleague at the bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't and the 25 year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

5. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

6. A Renton, Washington, man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as he had no previous record of violent crime and made terminally stupid choices. The target was H. & J. Leather & Firearms - yes - a gun shop. The shop was full of customers in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter having coffee before reporting for duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing the robber from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

The winner
The 1999 Darwin Award Winner is telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, of Thompson, Manitoba, Canada. He was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his 12-hour shift at the station where winter temperatures often dip to 40 degrees below freezing. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reputedly brought a 12-pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a 10-fold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast that he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

[thedrifter]

From the court room


These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[thedrifter]

advert blunders


Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.

It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences.

For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.

Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

[thedrifter]

Helpline


This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. The help desk employee featured in this story was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"... ...Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"... ...Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[thedrifter]

Chilli Cookoff


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[thedrifter]

Flight Announcements


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the, "In-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot... "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more, than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain had really fought to get the plane down. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"

"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[thedrifter]

Dead bunny


A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however, she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control. Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and called, but the dog wouldn't come back. Since she couldn't chase after it, she eventually gave up and went home.

A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door. When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors' pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors' backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage. They would never suspect what really happened.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, "Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?" Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, "Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?" He said, "Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!"

[thedrifter]

ID10T


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

[thedrifter]

Last boy scout


This is an extract of an American National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and a US Army Lieutenant-General about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

Interviewer: `So, LT-G, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?'

LT-G: `We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. '

Interviewer: 'Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?'

LT-G: 'I don't see why; they'll be properly supervised on the range.'

Interviewer: `Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?'

LT-G: `I don't see how - we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.'

Interviewer: 'But you're equipping them to become violent killers. '

LT-G: 'Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?'

[Ed Palmer]

http://World's Worst Hunting Dog

[Ed Palmer]

well I cant get it to go so forget it

[thedrifter]

Sex Therapist

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

[thedrifter]

In His Image


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating TABLE she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released FROM the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

[thedrifter]

French Patient



Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered," The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded," The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

[thedrifter]

Psychology Experiment


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[thedrifter]

Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[thedrifter]

Blonde in Pain



A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."

[thedrifter]

An Ounce Of Brains



A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

[thedrifter]

College Letters


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[thedrifter]

Complete Coverage


Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done." A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one man's gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a blow job?" The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO & Complete Coverage.

[thedrifter]

Medical Confusion



A man goes to his physician to pick up his sick wife's results. The nurse on reception asks him the family name to which he replies 'Smith'.

'Mr Smith, we have so many of them that we can't find them. We've narrowed them down to two. Either she came in for an AIDS test or an ALZHEIMERS' test.'

'What shall I do?' exclaimed the concerned husband.

'Well I suggest you take your wife into town and leave her there. If she finds her own way home DON'T **** her.'

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/

[nc.gal]

BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself: she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.---Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered and before leaving had three extra helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonable safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight." She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peak until she returned and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. it was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. he had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Paints a Porch


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and
asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told
her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the
garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes
all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed,
the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the
blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

Half a Head of Lettuce


A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of
lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole
head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager
about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some
******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this
gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that
around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but *****s and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

Tech Support


"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[thedrifter]

Give up drugs


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your ******* before prison....'"

[thedrifter]

Quiz


Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady
luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial
lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but,
unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask
her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her
husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I
knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at
all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane
asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a
very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's
question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the
penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at
ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the
penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And
Roger asked her again in the

morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel
butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after
reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[thedrifter]

Things To Do In An Elevator


1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

[thedrifter]

Disappearing Wife


A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with
the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he
could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

[thedrifter]

The Soldier and the Dog


An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each
seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,
with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans
are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a
seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love
dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and
snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window!"

[thedrifter]

Potential vs. Reality


A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His
sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

[thedrifter]

Rifle Shop


A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a
scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that
hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two
bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these
two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick
off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Sgted]

Subject: Monica?
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God....if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that her ears fell off.

[Sgted]

You might be a Floridian if......

1. You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

2. Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

3. You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

4. You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

5. Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

6. Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

7. You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

8. You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

9. You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really mean

10. You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

11. You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

12. Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

13. You now own 5 large ice chests

14. Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

15. You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations

16. You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

17. You're depressed when they don't stop

18. You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

19. You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

20. You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

21. You know what "Bar chain oil" is

22. You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas

23. You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

24. You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

25. Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

26. You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

27. You ask your friends up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

[Sgted]

Nudist Colony >> >>
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony. He cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your
nose look too short."

[thedrifter]

12-inch pianist


There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

[thedrifter]

Alligator in Bar


A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

[thedrifter]

The Healer


A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

[thedrifter]

Got Any Grapes?


A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[thedrifter]

All You Can Drink


A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"



"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

[thedrifter]

Women pleasing dog


A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.

[thedrifter]

Bigger than a horse


A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of 5's and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he ****ed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

[thedrifter]

St Patrick was gay


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn."

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that", replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch this."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[thedrifter]

Time To Go Home


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[thedrifter]

I Nearly ****ed Myse


Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and **** into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring ****ing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could **** all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

[thedrifter]

Guys take man home


Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Ode to beer


'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.

'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.

'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.

'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.

'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.

'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.

'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.

'If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.' - David Daye.

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman.

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin.

'If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.' - Jack Handy.

'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry.

'The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.' - Humphrey Bogart.

'Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.' - David Moulton.

'People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.' - Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

'Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.' - Kaiser Wilhelm.

'I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.' - Homer Simpson.

'Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.' - Unknown

'I drink to make other people interesting.' - George Jean Nathan.

'They who drink beer will think beer.' - Washington Irving.

'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.' - Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' - Dean Martin.

'All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.' - Homer Simpson.

[Ed Palmer]

http://
Getting your dog ready for dear season

[thedrifter]

Virgin wife


A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

[thedrifter]

Two questions


"You're a high priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

[thedrifter]

NASA Mars Mission


NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

[thedrifter]

Lawyers advice


Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."

So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air."

George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer."

"How can you tell?", inquires Harry.

George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

[thedrifter]

Lawyer jokes


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 'Senator.'

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 'Your Honor.'

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

[thedrifter]

Jury Duty


A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor", he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!"

[thedrifter]

10 Husbands, Still a


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?"

said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[thedrifter]

A brief affair


A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.

After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."

[thedrifter]

The Lawyer & The Dea


A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends.

"I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

[thedrifter]

Dog Steals Roast


A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

[thedrifter]

A Kind Lawyer?


One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"



, he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food."



, The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."



"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."





The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[thedrifter]

A Few Good Lawyers


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[thedrifter]

Corruption


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

[thedrifter]

What's the catch


The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.

All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?"

[thedrifter]

Don't Mess with


Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."



Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."



Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."



Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."



Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"



Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."



Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"



Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."



Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"



Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."



Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"



Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."



Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"



Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."



Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"



Little Old Lady: "No"

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"



Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."



Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"



Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, "Take me young man".

Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"



Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fool!.. And that's when I shot him."

[thedrifter]

$100,000


A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

[thedrifter]

Court witness


The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, "Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?"

"I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy," she responded. "Actually, you've been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you're some big shot, when in reality you're nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you."

Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he's lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him."

The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, "If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!"

[thedrifter]

Smartest Man in the


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."



The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[thedrifter]

Lawyers Brains


A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

[thedrifter]

Exterminating Lawyer


A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he'd had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"



.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door!

[thedrifter]

Tofu and dildos


What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

[thedrifter]

Important


Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?

Because men can see better than the they can think.

[thedrifter]

Three little words


What are three words you dread the most while making love?

"Honey, I'm home."