Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Astralian Mechanic


Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Olympics are still fresh in our minds so here are a few bloopers for some humor...


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A white guy went to a bar after a hard day of work and buys a beer. He
holds the can and shouts, "T-G-I-F." The Mexican guy sitting next to
him buys his beer and shouts, "S-P-I-T." After the White guy finished
his first beer, he buys another and yells the same thing, " T-G-I-F".
So, the Mexican guy next to him buys another beer and yells,
"S-P-I-T".

After his second beer the White buys another and shouts, "T-G-I-F" and
the Mexican guy next to him once again shouts, " S-P-I-T". The bar
tender was wondering what in the hell they were both shouting about,
so he asks the White guy, "What in the hell is T-G-I-F?" The White Guy
says " Thank God It's Friday". Then bartender turns to the Mexican guy
and asks him, "Alright man, what in the world does S-P-I-T mean?" And
the Mexican replies, " Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday".





:banana:

[thedrifter]

Bank President's Balls


An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan
Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told
the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit
the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She
said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought
that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and
seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately
$3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an
appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked
to get to know people she did business with on a more personal
basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a
large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she
replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of
where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in
people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet
you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could
lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000
was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as
he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other
man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to
tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been,
only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by
10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls
in my hand."

[thedrifter]

Man with no ears


Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"

[thedrifter]

Mommy Almost Died


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".

[thedrifter]

Costume...


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."

[thedrifter]

What ****ed me off?


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[thedrifter]

Mail the Photo


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was ****ed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.

[thedrifter]

Military Retirement


The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[thedrifter]

Keep Daddy Thin
One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

Why I Fired My Secretary


I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my
birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided to
make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I
went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss
and say, "Happy Birthday, dear."

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself
a cup of coffee and thought to myself, "oh well, she just
forgot." The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they
will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the kids
came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late.
And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more
depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a
nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and said, "I'll get you
some coffee." Her remembering made me feel a lot better. Later
in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together. Thinking
it would make me feel better I said that's a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday I said,
"why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country
instead of going to the usual place." So we drove out of town
and went to a little out of the way place. We had a couple of
martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my
secretary said, "why don't we go by my place and I will fix you
another martini."

It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to do
in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed
us both a martini. After a while she said, "Will you excuse me,
I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and left
the room. In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came
out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and
all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but my socks.

[Phantom Blooper]

When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home! "I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Computer Diagnosis


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

[thedrifter]

E-Mail Errors..


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

Man with no ears
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny Gets Promoted


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he
replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him
to the principals office and explained the situation to the
principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if
he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the
first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every
question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour
he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the
third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The
principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the
principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny
says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny:
"Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of
excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny
in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

[thedrifter]

DUI ENforcement


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[thedrifter]

Lawyer and Blonde


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.

[Phantom Blooper]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. " You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
-a Tube of K-Y jelly; - a rubber glove; -and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"






:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,"Sir,I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"



The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard,and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Cho rale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs re-calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller, I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

[Phantom Blooper]

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"


:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

:)

[yellowwing]

Man comes into work with a huge bandage all over his nose. His buddies ask him what the heck happened.

"I had some seenus trouble over the weekend," he replies.

"Don't you mean sinus trouble?"

"No, I was out with my girlfriend and my wife seen'us!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:


My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach".
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.
My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f@#%in' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f@#%in' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f@#%in' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this b#%@h is giving you a hard time?"

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Mailman's last day


It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But
what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him.
Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[thedrifter]

Old Relatives
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that **** after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[thedrifter]

Wave that Towel...


An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.. "Hire a strapping young man. While
the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to
the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again,
they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the
young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck,
THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"

[thedrifter]

Hit the Floor!


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[thedrifter]

The Great Debate


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

[thedrifter]

Blonde in First Class


On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a
blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The
blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit
and asked the captain what to do about her.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to
handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered
in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the
economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say
so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He
said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New
York.

[thedrifter]

Assorted Medical Jokes


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in
the wrong one.

********************

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.

********************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

********************

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now
both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

********************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when
my husband was last alive."

********************

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how was
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

********************

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.

[thedrifter]

Cheap Thrills


A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting
her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,
"I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really
good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt
and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got
the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go
ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and
begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[thedrifter]

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"


It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it
by several remarks -- usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"

[thedrifter]

Radio Station Competition


This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.... One of the FM
stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three
personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three
questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1--When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr...about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K....O.K....On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in room--much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it
O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,
say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to
Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K....About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...just
tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh....alright....Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and
sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.
Now we'll take a music break.

[thedrifter]

Affairs


First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
************************************************** ***************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
************************************************** ***************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[thedrifter]

Captain's Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

[thedrifter]

Without the Movies.


Things you would never know without the movies.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the
man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is
their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent
will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every
few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

[thedrifter]

Curse to Speak One Word per Year


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his
own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that
the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words
(this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair,
sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest
difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But,
at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved
her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to
ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no
bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"

[thedrifter]

Saving George W. Bush


George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W.
said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!"

[thedrifter]

Tickle Me Elmo...


A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The
personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that
he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that
she really needs work and will take almost anything. The
personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a
low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and
explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the
next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's
door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15
minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the
line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm
sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you
to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

[thedrifter]

Wading Across the River


Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found
themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River
looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted
over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you
have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the
Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying,
"Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to
your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will
sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one
another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul
to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began
to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get
higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat,
thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He
was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge
on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see
which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of
surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the
middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is
a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back,
"I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[thedrifter]

Spider Tim


One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.
Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he know
that there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and
was killed...

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky
with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then
called out, "Hello?!" Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT
voice said, "WHO ARE YOU?" Tim said, "I'm Tim...who are YOU?"
The voice said, "I AM GOD!"

"God?...that means I'm..."
"YES TIM...YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET
TIM...NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS."
"Really?...so can I go back then?"
"OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM."
"But God, look at me I'm all bloody...Hey! Where's my arm?!"
"TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER."
"A spider?!"
"A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!"
"Ok. Ok. I agree, god."

Poof! God turned him into a spider

"Now what god?"
God said, "Squeeze your ass. Do this...MMMMMMM!!"
"Push?"
"YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT."
"Ok God.........MMMMMMMMMMMM!" *POP!* and Tim was now spitting
out spider wed from his ass

"NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB."
And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice
and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife's voice, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
YOU'RE TAKING A **** ON THE BED TIM!!"

[thedrifter]

Chastity Belt

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried
about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all the Horny knights
of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin the Magician for
advice. After explaining his problem to Merlin, the Wizard
thought about the problem for a while and then told the king to
come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem.

The next week the King returned to Merlin returned to see the
new invention. A Chastity Belt... except that it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good," said
the King "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect
the queen???" "Ah sire, just observe," Said Merlin as he pulled
out an old wand that he was going to throw away. Merlin then
inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt whereupon a
guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two
halves. "Merlin you are a genius, now I can leave knowing that
my Queen is fully protected." Said the King. After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out on his quest.

Several years later the King returned to Camelot. Immediately,
the king assembled all the knights of the Round Table into the
courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure
enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way,
all except for Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad, you are the one and
only true knight what is in my power to grant you??? Name it and
it is yours." Said the King.

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

[thedrifter]

Things that Wack You Out

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected
because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1
olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the
head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her
hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

[thedrifter]

Magician on a cruise ship


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a days. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. You
got me on this one ... where's the boat?"

[thedrifter]

Genuine letters sent to Landlords


The following are genuine letters sent to landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.

7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.

13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryWarRecordCartoon.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryMedalsRibbons.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/SwiftBoatsInVietNam.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryEdwards3BeersnPizza.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://www.sacredcowburgers.com/parodies/a_sensitive_war.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://home.sc.rr.com/jbernick/patriotism.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://216.92.151.22/images/weblog/inline/KerrySmall.jpg



I only see
one America


see a different
America

[Phantom Blooper]

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in sickbay with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon a corpsman entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the corpsman, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the corpsman was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the corpsman to proceed. The corpsman then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't f@#k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: "For Women" and then notices a sign that says: "For Men."

As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: "For men who were dominated by women in life". The line of men standing in that line was very long.

Then he saw another sign that said :"For men who dominated women." He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.

At the window, God approached him and remarked, "Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years - you must be a tough person."

"Well no," he replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

:banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those f@#%ing Indians come from?'"



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

During camouflage training at Camp LeJeune, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of seagulls used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large racoon peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say,

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he
had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five
male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and
split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and
so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in
which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up
at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty
miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in
the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he
hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station
wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following g week until one
morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of
bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn."

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

Guy Rules


1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. *****ing about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for
the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set
it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; Hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only
in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

[thedrifter]

Long and Pink


"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher.
"Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good".
Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a
banana but I'm glad to se your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". "Its a ball, "No
its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and
hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's
inappropriate."

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."

[thedrifter]

Ladder to Success


One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into
the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was
never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this
rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he
continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and
found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.
On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman
with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and
deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous,
lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily
whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of
him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or
similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking
guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[thedrifter]

Friendship


Are you tired of all those "frienship" poems that always sound
good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
"friendship" poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth
itself.

My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to
your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is
not speaking to you right now anyway.

[thedrifter]

Chicken Wire


An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

[thedrifter]

Cool Signs


Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

[thedrifter]

God is Missing


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

[thedrifter]

The World's Greatest Cowboy


The World's Greatest Cowboy (wgc) was captured by some Indians,
who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But
because he was the wgc, they would give him a last request. The
WGC said, let me talk to my horse.

So he whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse runs off, and
returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a
teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she
staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later
the horse returns.

The Indian chief says "Now we know why you are called the WGC!
That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves.
We will give you another last request." So WGC asked to speak to
the horse again.

The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked,
beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde. WGC
takes her into the teepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out,
and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and
returns in an hour.

The chief says "The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse,
but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are
called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you,
but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you
one more last request."

The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving
it a shake, says, "Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!"

[thedrifter]

Things I MUST Remember as a Dog!


1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or
under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after
they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just
because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on
the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after
just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable
way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought
it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the
pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just
because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my
crotch when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly
clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[thedrifter]

The Preachers Ass


A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told
there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since
he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races,
and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches
Preacher's Ass". This was just too much for the Bishop and he
ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey
and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00.

The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

[Phantom Blooper]

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.


He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."


The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."


He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."


The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."


He then removes his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming
out of the apartment.


The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.


He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.


The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She sells batteries."

"Batteries?!" cried the wife with astonishment.

"Yes,....." he replied calmly.


SCROLL DOWN ..






(You're gonna hate me for this...
scroll down some more)













A little bit more.........





















"She sells C cells by the seashore."

[Phantom Blooper]

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash
to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.


She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said,"it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."


"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell, fine tanks, und how's yer pecker?"




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?

"The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my testicles, so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about your injury, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we can get right to work."

The guy says, "If working hours are 8 to 4 why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we just sit around and scratch our nuts for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."




:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big d@#k, didn't it?"



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman became a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Eddie. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Eddie. "Yes, that is my final answer." Ten minutes later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way...how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

[thedrifter]

Excuses!


A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Hero


Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

[thedrifter]

Poetry Contest



The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[thedrifter]

Baby light


In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[thedrifter]

The speech


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'......."

[thedrifter]

River crossing


Three men walking through the woods get lost and find themselves at a raging river. As night begins to fall the men turn to prayer.

1st man: Dear God, please help me to cross this river.

A rubber raft appears and the man paddles and fights his way across taking five hours.

2nd man: Dear God, please help me to quickly cross this river.

A wooden boat appears and he rows across to the other side of the river taking three hours.

3rd man: Dear God, please give me the presence of mind, the courage and ability to make it across the river.

The man changes into a woman, she reads the map, and walks over the bridge.

[nc.gal]

A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM SANTA


You think you got it bad? All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow---damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Claus is ****ed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the ****s over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk,I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd in my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my ass to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! XXXX MERRY CHRISTMAS, your ***. XXXXXXXXXX

[thedrifter]

How to Shower Like a Woman/Man


How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you
happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile
"turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so
as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java
Cake bodywash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has
once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body
wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has
come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've
walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the
floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along
the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer
belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck
in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead
and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your
wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your
wife, flash her.

[thedrifter]

Women Drivers


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

.....I think not.

[thedrifter]

Why We Love Kids


A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a ***** to iron."

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."

[thedrifter]

Castrating Headache
A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
terrible headaches."

[thedrifter]

Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister


Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.

[thedrifter]

Spider Tim


One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.
Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he know
that there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and
was killed...

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky
with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then
called out, "Hello?!" Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT
voice said, "WHO ARE YOU?" Tim said, "I'm Tim...who are YOU?"
The voice said, "I AM GOD!"

"God?...that means I'm..."
"YES TIM...YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET
TIM...NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS."
"Really?...so can I go back then?"
"OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM."
"But God, look at me I'm all bloody...Hey! Where's my arm?!"
"TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER."
"A spider?!"
"A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!"
"Ok. Ok. I agree, god."

Poof! God turned him into a spider

"Now what god?"
God said, "Squeeze your ass. Do this...MMMMMMM!!"
"Push?"
"YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT."
"Ok God.........MMMMMMMMMMMM!" *POP!* and Tim was now spitting
out spider wed from his ass

"NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB."
And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice
and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife's voice, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
YOU'RE TAKING A **** ON THE BED TIM!!"

[thedrifter]

Magician on a cruise ship


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a days. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. You
got me on this one ... where's the boat?"

[thedrifter]

George Carlinisms


How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they
keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his
Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what
are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look
the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns
out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
running child?

[thedrifter]

Interesting Facts


1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt"

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in
the English language.

8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."

9. There are only four words in the English language which end
in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its
plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.

12. The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki maungahoronukup
okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to
3.63% of its size,L.A.

14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions
have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy
Bezopasnosti

31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed
with only the left hand.

33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only
have about ten.

38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."

39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

[thedrifter]

The Lying Cop


A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
askes for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in
the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole
this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the
car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the
glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop
had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you
I was speeding too!"

[thedrifter]

Braggart


A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Get in."

[thedrifter]

Excuses for Sleeping on the Job


10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[thedrifter]

The Magic Frog


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, "Wow that's amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky
frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.
Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The
frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[thedrifter]

African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,
dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia
had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As
your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our
traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of
this gun is loaded--you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your
head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a
warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men
took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh
of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous
game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian
Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian
with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading
him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador
spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African
roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only
occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African
ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of
one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow
job--take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,
"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the
danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered, "One of them's a cannibal."

[thedrifter]

I Like the Way You Think


A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and
she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and
I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him,
"None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the
teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one
bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not
the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you
think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three
women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is
just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is
shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which
one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher,
"but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced
casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the
ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

[thedrifter]

Trucker Driver & Bikers

At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in the
morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie
and was romancing the solitary waitress there.

All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They
observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and
started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the
trucker to start something. But the trucker didn't say anything,
just paid his bill and walked out.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like your
boyfriend ain't much of a man." The waitress just leaned on the
cash register and looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he
ain't much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over three
motorcycles."

[thedrifter]

Going to the Gynecologist


A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of
the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in
the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure all women do, I hopped up on
the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
away from here. I was surprised when he said: "My...we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
"Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She
called back, "No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[thedrifter]

Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket


On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[thedrifter]

Poor Rabbit


Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's
rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to
its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

[thedrifter]

Would You Kill My Wife


A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[thedrifter]

A Mean Drunk


Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, the winds around the building are so intense
that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you
around the building and back into a window". The bartender just
shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that
could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove
it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor,
the high winds whip him around the building and back into the
10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the
window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it."
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,
10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a
SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,
"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

[thedrifter]

Sunbathing, a true story


A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."

[thedrifter]

No Longer Angry


An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United.

[thedrifter]

A Man with an Ostrich and a Cat


A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a
pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a
pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll
have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint,"
says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says
the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a
large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small
scotch...but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty,
please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain
his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's
brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last
thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats
or ostriches drinkin' in here...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I
know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck
with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[thedrifter]

Mime's Job in the Zoo


One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[thedrifter]

Preacher Goes Hunting


A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before
he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make
a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive...."

[thedrifter]

Parrots


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the ****ing beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered!"

[thedrifter]

Irishman Falling Down


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[thedrifter]

The Ditcher


As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of
26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but
his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and
was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord
smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

[Ed Palmer]

> DAD'S JOB
> > > > > > Little Johnny was in his 4th grade
class when
> > > > > the
> > > > > > teacher asked the children what their
fathers did
> > > > > > for a living. All the typical answers
came
> > > > > > up-fireman, policeman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer,
> > > > > > etc.
> > > > > > Johnny was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so
> > > > > > the teacher asked him about his
father. "My
> > > > > father's
> > > > > > an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off
> > > > > all
> > > > > > his clothes in front of other men and
they put
> > > > > money
> > > > > > in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is
> > > > > really
> > > > > > good, he will go home with some guy
and make love
> > > > > > with him for money."
> > > > > > The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement,
> > > > > > hurriedly set the other children to
work on some
> > > > > > exercises and took little Johnny
aside to ask
> > > > > him,
> > > > > > "Is that really true about your
father?"
> > > > > > "No," said Johnny . "He works for
the Democratic
> > > > > > National Committee to elect John
Kerry, but I was
> > > > > > too embarrassed to say that in front
of the other
> > > > > > kids!"

[thedrifter]

Crutches please


When Don first noticed that his prick was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was Donna.

But after several weeks and nearly nine inches later, Don became concerned and the couple went to see a doctor.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, although rare, Don's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" Donna asked anxiously.

"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well, yes," said Donna, "You ARE planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[thedrifter]

Careful wishes


Joe walks into a bar and sits down.

He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.

Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"

The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.

Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.

A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.

He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"

The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"

[thedrifter]

Limo driver


After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo ( he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, your Eminence, "says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

[thedrifter]

disappointment


Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[thedrifter]

Selling Insect Repel


A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."



The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."



The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"



The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

[thedrifter]

Unreal Court Rulings


1. January 2000. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998. Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over Carl's hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice that someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was exiting a house he had finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up as the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door between the garage and the house had locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr.Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. Mr. Williams was also in the yard. The award was less than the amount sought because the jury felt that the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams, who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two front teeth. This occurred when Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

[thedrifter]

Bigger means dumber


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[thedrifter]

Customer Service


For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[thedrifter]

The Joke From Desparado


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could **** all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

[thedrifter]

Blonde And The Alligator


A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[thedrifter]

Take The Bait

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[thedrifter]

A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[thedrifter]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life



1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex


1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[thedrifter]

Placing Your Order


A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[thedrifter]

Square Balls?


A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Finally Wins


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

The Soldier and the Dog
An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each
seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,
with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans
are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a
seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love
dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and
snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window!"

[thedrifter]

Who is Jack Schitt?


Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.

[thedrifter]

Things I MUST Remember as a Dog!


1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or
under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after
they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just
because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on
the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after
just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable
way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought
it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the
pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just
because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my
crotch when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly
clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[thedrifter]

Who to Fire


An office manager had money problems and had to fire an
employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the
employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees
came to work very early.

So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a
coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee
break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch
break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that
day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work
the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to
her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know
whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better
jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

[thedrifter]

Dam Fish

A boy was standing on a corner selling fish, "Dam fish for sale,
dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was
calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam,
so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to
cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and
said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The
preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to
cook them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the
preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son
replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ****ing potatoes!"

[thedrifter]

Hind Lick Maneuver
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young
lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by
her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating
whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to
cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously
in serious respiratory distress)

One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The
other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You
bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can
you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you
breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up
her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point,
the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that
hind lick maneuver really does work!"

[thedrifter]

Funny Stuff

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[thedrifter]

Careful wishes


Joe walks into a bar and sits down.

He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.

Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"

The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.

Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.

A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.

He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"

The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"

[thedrifter]

Payback


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

[thedrifter]

Irishman Drunk and F


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?"

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[thedrifter]

P'd off!


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head."

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."

"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

[thedrifter]

Young gunfighter


This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man.

"Definitely," the old man replied.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano player.

"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[thedrifter]

3rd prize


Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize, a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?""

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[thedrifter]

Bud or coors?


Gal walks into a bar, orders a Bud, then another, and another, and she gets a little tipsy.

Two guys at the bar notice, so they escort her to a booth and screw the daylights out of her.

She comes back the next day, orders another Bud, and another, and another, and the same guys do the same thing.

The next day she comes in and orders a Coor's, bartender says, "I thought you drank Bud?"

She says, "I had to give it up, it made my pussy hurt."

[thedrifter]

3 ducks


A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.

"Hi, what's your name," he asks the first duck

"Luey"

"What you been doing today"

"I've been playing around in Puddles"

"Nice, and your are?" he askes the second

"Huey"

"And what have you been doing today?"

"I've been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I'd do it again"

"Oh," and to the last," you must be Duey?"

"NO! I'm Puddles, and don't you dare ask me how my days been!"

[thedrifter]

Squeezing my balls


This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.

A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!!

[thedrifter]

The usual


A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

[thedrifter]

the drunk


A little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said "playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie" He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said "after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire"

[Ed Palmer]

http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

[thedrifter]

Jackass


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!

[thedrifter]

Winston Churchill


Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are
drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: "...I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play...You may bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: "I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one."

[thedrifter]

How To Please a Woman


A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."

[thedrifter]

Things that Wack You Out
1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected
because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1
olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the
head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her
hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

[thedrifter]

First Grade Teacher


A first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche fan. She
told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche
fans like her. The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan
was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the
teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.

The teacher approached her and asked, "Why aren't you an
Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them." The
little girl responded, "I'm a Detroit Red Wings fan." The
teacher asked, "Why are you a Wings fan?" The little girl said,
"Well, my parents are Wings fans."

The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just because
your parents are Wings fans doesn't make you one. What if your
dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make
you?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "Well, that
would make me an Avalanche fan."

[thedrifter]

The Young Punker


A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's
without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down
in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who
just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do
anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I
was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had
sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

[thedrifter]

Bigger Breasts


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her
a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she
stands in front of the mirror, looking at herslef, asking him
how she looks.

One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of
the mirror, now complaining that her breasts our too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion,
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a peice of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet
paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between
her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "Oh, they'll
grow larger over a period of years." he replied. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a peice of tiolet paper between my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" The
husband shrugs, "It worked for your ass didn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Work Thoughts


Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn
off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks

[nc.gal]

AN OLDER LADY


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding----

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer ?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see-----Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it??

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what???

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir ?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am??

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding , too.

[thedrifter]

The Old Lady's Car Jacking!


An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out of
the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers
seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car
was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore
himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by
a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.

[thedrifter]

Bank Robbery


A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good
plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front
of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and
asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and
replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once
more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut
the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more
than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the
car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's
doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was
lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard
ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to
reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in
the car but finally jsut gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into
the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The
security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the
safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically
asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was
panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I
followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[thedrifter]

Load It up
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment
complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on
to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."

But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde
showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into
the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started
acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen,
and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his
sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of
his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into
the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of
milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you
guys load those things!"

[thedrifter]

Apples and Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons,
kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young
girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood,
but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some
people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the
line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the
line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck 'em dry".

[thedrifter]

What I did in Texas!


(If you can imagine a real mean cowboy accent, the effect of
this joke will be much better!)

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He
decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside
the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and
orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he
suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to
drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out
of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a
really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses
did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on
within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where
it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here
what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do
what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter
and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a
bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and
asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in
Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the
bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk
home!"

[thedrifter]

Transportation project


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the
past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black
boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
****!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3 percent of the
final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[thedrifter]

A Redneck Letter


Dear Son,

I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so
we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put
your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven't seen them
since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and
four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, your
aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we
didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she
comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought then off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, one was
driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he
rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two
drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write
more later.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I already had this
sealed.

[thedrifter]

Cold Winter?


The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter
was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the
chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the
members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter
to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be
quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and
find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very
cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Native Americans are
collecting wood like crazy!"

[thedrifter]

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas


(I actually did all of these)

1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)

2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)

3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")

4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)

5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)

6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)

7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)

8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)

9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)

10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)

11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)

12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)

13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)

14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)

15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)

Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.

[thedrifter]

Two hands full


Once upon a time there was a young red neck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow **** and rub it on your dick. It'll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of ****. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this **** on my dick to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.

[Ed Palmer]

>Why I Fired My Secretary ...
> > > > >
> > > > >Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday
and I wasn't feeling too
> good
> > > > that
> > > > >morning. I went to breakfast
knowing my wife would be
> pleasant
> and
> > > > say,
> > > > >"Happy Birthday!", and probably
have a present for me.
> > > > >
> > > > >As it turned out, she didn't even
say good morning, let alone
> any
> > > > happy
> > > > >birthday. I thought, well, that's
wives for you, the children
> will
> > > >
> > > > >remember...The children came in to
breakfast and didn't say a
> > > > word. So
> > > > >when I left for the office, I was
feeling pretty low and
> > > > despondent..
> > > > >
> > > > >As I walked into my office, my
secretary Janet said, "Good
> > > > morning,
> > > > >Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I
felt a little better that
> someone
> > > > had
> > > > >remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my
> door
> and
> > > >
> > > > >said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day outside, and it's
> your
> > > >
> > > > >birthday, let's go to lunch, just
you and me." I said, "By
> George,
> > > >
> > > > >that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. Let's go!" We
> went
> > > > to
> > > > >lunch.
> > > > >
> > > > >We didn't go where we normally go;
instead we went out to a
> > > > private
> > > > >little
> > > > >place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.
> On
> the
> > > > way back
> > > > >to the
> > > > >office, she said, "You know, it's
such a beautiful day. We
> don't
> > > > need to go
> > > > >back to the office, do we?" I
said, "No, I guess not." She
> said,
> > > > "Let's
> > > > >go to my
> > > > >apartment."
> > > > >
> > > > >After arriving at her apartment
she said, "Boss, if you don't
> > > > mind, I
> > > > >think
> > > > >I'll go into the bedroom and slip
into something more
> comfortable"
> > > > "Sure!"
> > > > >I excitedly replied.
> > > > >She went into the bedroom and, in
about six minutes, she came
> out
> > > > carrying
> > > > >a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife, children, and
> > > > dozens of our
> > > > >friends, all singing Happy
Birthday.
> > > > >
> > > > >And I just sat there ---- on the
couch ---- naked.

[thedrifter]

Happy marriage


There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.

They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.

[thedrifter]

Husband shop


Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

[thedrifter]

His last wishes


Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

[thedrifter]

All booked up!


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, can't. It's all booked up for a year."

Submitted by blueindiansquaw

[thedrifter]

$10 is $10


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[thedrifter]

Important


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[thedrifter]

Firm THIS Up


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[thedrifter]

Getting Out of A Ticket


A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[thedrifter]

Reality In Marriage


This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...". He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE **** DOWN - DRINK YOUR ****IN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ****IN' MUG - EAT YOUR ****IN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE ****IN' BAR !!! GOT IT, ******* ?!?!"

[thedrifter]

Attitudes


A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

[thedrifter]

Heaven's Cars


Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

Married Priest And Nun


A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own ****ing blanket!"

[thedrifter]

Five Kinds Of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

[thedrifter]

Just like a baby


Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[thedrifter]

Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars


Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[thedrifter]

24 hours


A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[thedrifter]

Good weekend


A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[thedrifter]

Planning WWIII


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde got game


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.

Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Visit to Washington


A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building.

Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!

[thedrifter]

Not sweet?


In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[thedrifter]

Welfare Office


A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Hero


Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck quickies 28


You might be a rednack if...

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.

[thedrifter]

Trailer trash


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Jedi


You might be a redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

[thedrifter]

Stupid Wives


John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.

"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"

That one nearly slayed 'em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"

[thedrifter]

Baby light


In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[thedrifter]

Redneck quickies 14


You might be a redneck if...

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

[thedrifter]

Poetry Contest



The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[thedrifter]

Chicken bone


A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

[thedrifter]

Vasectomy time


After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[thedrifter]

Redneck quickies 23


You might be a redneck if...

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

[thedrifter]

Hillbilly and Indian


Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave."

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian.

"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.."

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

[thedrifter]

Intercom


The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.

The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"

By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna **** her brains out all night."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.

The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a **** first!"

[thedrifter]

Bus stop


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

[thedrifter]

The Fastest Camel


A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:

WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him," What can I do for you?".

"Well, sir," the man replies, " I noticed your sign and I'm interested in your help. You see my camel's been slowing down a bit and I don't really want to trade him in for a new one."

The vendor says, "That won't be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It's guaranteed."

"O.K. Let's do it."

The vendor says," Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform."

While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.

"Stand back," he cautions the traveler.

The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel's balls.

The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.

"Wow!," said the man,"That's the fastest I've seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?"

The vendor says with a smile,"Please step onto the platform, sir."

[thedrifter]

In-Flight Accident


Entertainment A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[thedrifter]

Lady Getting On Bus


She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.

She reached back and unzipped the zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it again.

Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step.

"How dare you?" she demanded.

"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time I thought we were good friends."

[thedrifter]

Driving Offence


A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

[thedrifter]

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'

The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.

All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'

'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'

[thedrifter]

Biggest Hotel Bill


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for kissing my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[thedrifter]

Wagon trouble


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

[thedrifter]

Aerial photos


A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.

He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[thedrifter]

Rifle Shop


A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a
scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that
hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two
bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these
two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick
off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[thedrifter]

Sex Sandals Shop


This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were
touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,
when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard
a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come
in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I
think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a
great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON
THE WRONG FEET!".

[thedrifter]

Cookie Care Package


A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds
that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting
around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
best friend's dick.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she
turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I
want a divorce."

Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

[thedrifter]

How they killed the "Texas Eel"


Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."

[thedrifter]

In the path of progress


An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day
he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that
they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his
teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact
place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the
route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for
directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to
go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would
be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the
building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied.
"Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a
week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the
druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use
something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the
druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something
drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight
times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him
he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of ****."

[thedrifter]

Martian Swingers


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"
responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a
quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept
doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[thedrifter]

Voodoo


A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.

The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."

The man asks "is there's anything else?"

The clerk says "not that will for sure work."

So the man says "alright, what is it?"

"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to ****."

Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.

Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".

Instantly the voodoo dick starts ****ing her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still ****ing her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.

He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the **** are you doing?"

She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.

[thedrifter]

His last wishes


Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

[thedrifter]

My first time


The sky was dark,
The moon was high.
All alone,
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what,
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers,
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
To place my hand,
On her breasts.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart.

And when she did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time,
Milking a cow!

[thedrifter]

The speech


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'......."

[thedrifter]

The perfect gift


A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife.

The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs."

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it.

Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

"That's fantastic," said the customer.

"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"

When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night.

The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

[thedrifter]

Cows Getting It


Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull **** the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He ****ed the white one!"

[thedrifter]

Just Too Stupid


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[thedrifter]

Rabbit and The Bear


A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.

He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, “this isn't right, everyone should live in peace.”

So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he'll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female.

Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted.

This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

[thedrifter]

Jonah's Fate


A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 120


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luke!
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and you'll see!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Luther!
Luther who?
Luther the silver lining!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lyndon!
Lyndon who?
Lyndon ear and I'll tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Madame!
Madame who?
Madame foot is caught in the door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mae!
Mae who?
Mae be I'll tell you or Mae be I won't!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 150


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pyjamas!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quacker!
Quacker who?
Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quebec!
Quebec who?
Quebec to the end of the line!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quiet Tina!
Quiet Tina who?
Quiet Tina courtroom - monkey wants to speak!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 201


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zany!
Zany who?
Zany body home!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zebulon!
Zebulon who?
Zebulon to me!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zeke!
Zeke who?
Zeke and you shall find!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zinka!
Zinka who?
Zinka the ship!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zinnia!
Zinnia who?
Zinnia on TV - You look shorter!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 131


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Montana!
Montana who?
Montana your hide if she finds out you ate all of the cookies!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Moose!
Moose who?
Moose you be so nosy!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morris!
Morris who?
Morris another day!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Morrison!
Morrison who?
Morrison, the more sun tan!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mort!
Mort who?
Mort to the point, who are you!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 123


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marcus!
Marcus who?
Marcus a book in the Bible!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maria!
Maria who?
Maria me, I love you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marian!
Marian who?
Marian money!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marie!
Marie who?
Marie the one you love!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Marietta!
Marietta who?
Marietta whole cake!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 181


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turkey!
Turkey who?
Turkey, open door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turnip!
Turnip who?
Turnip the heat it's cold in here!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Twig!
Twig who?
Twig or tweat!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Twyla!
Twyla who?
Twyla light of the Gods!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Typhoid!
Typhoid who?
Typhoid that song before!

[thedrifter]

Knock Knock 203


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zoom!
Zoom who?
Zoom did you expect!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zsa Zsa!
Zsa Zsa who?
Zsa Zsa last Knock Knock joke!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zubin!
Zubin who?
Zubin eating garlic again!