Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Astralian Mechanic


Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Olympics are still fresh in our minds so here are a few bloopers for some humor...


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A white guy went to a bar after a hard day of work and buys a beer. He
holds the can and shouts, "T-G-I-F." The Mexican guy sitting next to
him buys his beer and shouts, "S-P-I-T." After the White guy finished
his first beer, he buys another and yells the same thing, " T-G-I-F".
So, the Mexican guy next to him buys another beer and yells,
"S-P-I-T".

After his second beer the White buys another and shouts, "T-G-I-F" and
the Mexican guy next to him once again shouts, " S-P-I-T". The bar
tender was wondering what in the hell they were both shouting about,
so he asks the White guy, "What in the hell is T-G-I-F?" The White Guy
says " Thank God It's Friday". Then bartender turns to the Mexican guy
and asks him, "Alright man, what in the world does S-P-I-T mean?" And
the Mexican replies, " Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday".





:banana:

[thedrifter]

Bank President's Balls


An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan
Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told
the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit
the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She
said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought
that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and
seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately
$3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an
appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked
to get to know people she did business with on a more personal
basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a
large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she
replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of
where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in
people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet
you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could
lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000
was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as
he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get
handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other
man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to
tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been,
only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by
10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls
in my hand."

[thedrifter]

Man with no ears


Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"

[thedrifter]

Mommy Almost Died


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".

[thedrifter]

Costume...


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."

[thedrifter]

What ****ed me off?


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[thedrifter]

Mail the Photo


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was ****ed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.

[thedrifter]

Military Retirement


The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[thedrifter]

Keep Daddy Thin
One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

Why I Fired My Secretary


I woke up early feeling a little depressed, because it was my
birthday and I thought, "another year older," but decided to
make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I
went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss
and say, "Happy Birthday, dear."

All smiles I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself
a cup of coffee and thought to myself, "oh well, she just
forgot." The kids will be in a few minutes all cheers and they
will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee and I waited. Finally the kids
came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late.
And where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more
depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a
nice smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and said, "I'll get you
some coffee." Her remembering made me feel a lot better. Later
in the morning my secretary knocked on my door and said since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together. Thinking
it would make me feel better I said that's a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday I said,
"why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country
instead of going to the usual place." So we drove out of town
and went to a little out of the way place. We had a couple of
martinis, a nice lunch, and started driving back to town when my
secretary said, "why don't we go by my place and I will fix you
another martini."

It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to do
in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed
us both a martini. After a while she said, "Will you excuse me,
I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and left
the room. In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came
out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and
all my kids and there I sat, with nothing on but my socks.

[Phantom Blooper]

When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home! "I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Computer Diagnosis


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

[thedrifter]

E-Mail Errors..


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

Man with no ears
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing
ears!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny Gets Promoted


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he
replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him
to the principals office and explained the situation to the
principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if
he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the
first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every
question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour
he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the
third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The
principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the
principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny
says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny:
"Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of
excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny
in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

[thedrifter]

DUI ENforcement


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[thedrifter]

Lawyer and Blonde


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.

[Phantom Blooper]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. " You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
-a Tube of K-Y jelly; - a rubber glove; -and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"






:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,"Sir,I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"



The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard,and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Cho rale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs re-calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller, I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

[Phantom Blooper]

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"


:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

:)

[yellowwing]

Man comes into work with a huge bandage all over his nose. His buddies ask him what the heck happened.

"I had some seenus trouble over the weekend," he replies.

"Don't you mean sinus trouble?"

"No, I was out with my girlfriend and my wife seen'us!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:


My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach".
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.
My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f@#%in' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f@#%in' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f@#%in' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this b#%@h is giving you a hard time?"

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Mailman's last day


It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But
what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him.
Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[thedrifter]

Old Relatives
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that **** after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[thedrifter]

Wave that Towel...


An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion.. "Hire a strapping young man. While
the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to
the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again,
they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the
young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck,
THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"

[thedrifter]

Hit the Floor!


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[thedrifter]

The Great Debate


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

[thedrifter]

Blonde in First Class


On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a
blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The
blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit
and asked the captain what to do about her.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to
handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered
in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the
economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say
so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He
said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New
York.

[thedrifter]

Assorted Medical Jokes


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in
the wrong one.

********************

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.

********************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

********************

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now
both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

********************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when
my husband was last alive."

********************

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how was
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

********************

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.

[thedrifter]

Cheap Thrills


A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47", the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting
her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,
"I'd guess about 29".

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really
good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt
and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got
the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go
ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and
begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[thedrifter]

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"


It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it
by several remarks -- usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"

[thedrifter]

Radio Station Competition


This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.... One of the FM
stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three
personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three
questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1--When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr...about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K....O.K....On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in room--much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it
O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,
say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to
Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K....About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...just
tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh....alright....Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and
sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.
Now we'll take a music break.

[thedrifter]

Affairs


First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
************************************************** ***************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
************************************************** ***************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[thedrifter]

Captain's Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

[thedrifter]

Without the Movies.


Things you would never know without the movies.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the
man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is
their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent
will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every
few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

[thedrifter]

Curse to Speak One Word per Year


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his
own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that
the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words
(this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair,
sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest
difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But,
at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved
her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to
ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no
bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"

[thedrifter]

Saving George W. Bush


George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W.
said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!"

[thedrifter]

Tickle Me Elmo...


A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The
personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that
he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that
she really needs work and will take almost anything. The
personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a
low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and
explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the
next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's
door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15
minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the
line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm
sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you
to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

[thedrifter]

Wading Across the River


Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found
themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River
looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted
over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you
have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the
Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying,
"Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to
your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will
sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one
another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul
to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began
to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get
higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat,
thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He
was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge
on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see
which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of
surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the
middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is
a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back,
"I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[thedrifter]

Spider Tim


One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.
Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he know
that there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and
was killed...

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky
with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then
called out, "Hello?!" Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT
voice said, "WHO ARE YOU?" Tim said, "I'm Tim...who are YOU?"
The voice said, "I AM GOD!"

"God?...that means I'm..."
"YES TIM...YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET
TIM...NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS."
"Really?...so can I go back then?"
"OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM."
"But God, look at me I'm all bloody...Hey! Where's my arm?!"
"TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER."
"A spider?!"
"A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!"
"Ok. Ok. I agree, god."

Poof! God turned him into a spider

"Now what god?"
God said, "Squeeze your ass. Do this...MMMMMMM!!"
"Push?"
"YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT."
"Ok God.........MMMMMMMMMMMM!" *POP!* and Tim was now spitting
out spider wed from his ass

"NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB."
And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice
and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife's voice, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
YOU'RE TAKING A **** ON THE BED TIM!!"

[thedrifter]

Chastity Belt

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried
about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all the Horny knights
of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin the Magician for
advice. After explaining his problem to Merlin, the Wizard
thought about the problem for a while and then told the king to
come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem.

The next week the King returned to Merlin returned to see the
new invention. A Chastity Belt... except that it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good," said
the King "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect
the queen???" "Ah sire, just observe," Said Merlin as he pulled
out an old wand that he was going to throw away. Merlin then
inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt whereupon a
guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two
halves. "Merlin you are a genius, now I can leave knowing that
my Queen is fully protected." Said the King. After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out on his quest.

Several years later the King returned to Camelot. Immediately,
the king assembled all the knights of the Round Table into the
courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure
enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way,
all except for Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad, you are the one and
only true knight what is in my power to grant you??? Name it and
it is yours." Said the King.

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

[thedrifter]

Things that Wack You Out

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected
because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated
the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1
olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the
head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her
hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

[thedrifter]

Magician on a cruise ship


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a days. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. You
got me on this one ... where's the boat?"

[thedrifter]

Genuine letters sent to Landlords


The following are genuine letters sent to landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.

7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.

13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryWarRecordCartoon.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryMedalsRibbons.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/SwiftBoatsInVietNam.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://rmeek141.home.comcast.net/KerryEdwards3BeersnPizza.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://www.sacredcowburgers.com/parodies/a_sensitive_war.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://home.sc.rr.com/jbernick/patriotism.JPG

[thedrifter]

http://216.92.151.22/images/weblog/inline/KerrySmall.jpg



I only see
one America


see a different
America

[Phantom Blooper]

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in sickbay with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon a corpsman entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the corpsman, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the corpsman was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the corpsman to proceed. The corpsman then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't f@#k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: "For Women" and then notices a sign that says: "For Men."

As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: "For men who were dominated by women in life". The line of men standing in that line was very long.

Then he saw another sign that said :"For men who dominated women." He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.

At the window, God approached him and remarked, "Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years - you must be a tough person."

"Well no," he replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

:banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those f@#%ing Indians come from?'"



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

During camouflage training at Camp LeJeune, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of seagulls used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large racoon peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say,

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&