Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

God is Missing


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was great.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"

8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" Doc:
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Man: "Is it common?" Doc: "It's not
unusual."

9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
16. Went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" The man answers,
"Like a glove."

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

E-Mail Errors..


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

How could I ever repay you?


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek."

[thedrifter]

Corporate Lessons


Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

*************************

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.

*************************

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut

[thedrifter]

Jesus is Watching You


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."

[thedrifter]

Jackass


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!

[thedrifter]

Dad's Practical Jokes
Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"

Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.

"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
blame her.

"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.

[thedrifter]

Murder Conviction


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[thedrifter]

Not My Drink!


There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison..."

[thedrifter]

Porsche 911 Twin Turbo and Moped

A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he
believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It
is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about
90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me
$100,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost
so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the
young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the
opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on
the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!
It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It
is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from
your side mirror, please."

[thedrifter]

Cool Signs


Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

[thedrifter]

Quotes. . . .

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I **** you off in the process.

- ****ed off? Hey, it's better than being ****ed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY ****es them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

[thedrifter]

The Good, Bad and Ugly


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

[thedrifter]

Mime's Job in the Zoo


One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman
perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good
looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,
it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I
just flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

:banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

Labor Pains


Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time
dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her
and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman
to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels
really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband
says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another
pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same
thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same
thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her
husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still
feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all.
Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both
feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they
find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

[thedrifter]

Mime's Job in the Zoo


One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[thedrifter]

How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[thedrifter]

Irishman Falling Down


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[thedrifter]

The Great Debate


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

[thedrifter]

Who's the Boss?

When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be
boss.

The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all
thoughts.

The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't
be able to see.

The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that
brought man wherever he wanted to go.

The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for
the whole body and he should be boss.

Then the ******* applied for the job.The other parts laughed so
hard that the ******* got angry and closed up for a week. The
stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go
wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the
******* will be the boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just
an *******.

[thedrifter]

Killed the Pig


Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell
them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the pig."

[thedrifter]

Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

[Phantom Blooper]

Somewhere between the security of childhood and the
insecurity of the second childhood, we find the Marine..

Marines are found everywhere; in bars, in cars, behind barns,
in holes, in fights, in trouble, running on the double. You will find
them in battle, on streets, overseas, in love, on leave, but mostly in
debt.

Marines come in assorted sizes, colors, weights and stages of
sobriety, anger, misery and confusion. They come in cammi
green, brown, black, muddy, and sporting the native flora on their
helmets.

A Marine is laziness with a deck of cards, misery with a grin
on his face. Exhausted, sleeping in the mud, a penniless
millionaire, bravery with a beer in his hand, courage with a grain
of sense, he is the protector of America with a Playboy in his back
pocket.

A Marine is a composite. He is air cooled, alcohol operated,
foot propelled. He is cocky, conceited, high-strung and
self-centered, overbearing and considers himself underpaid. He is
sly as a fox, has the nerve of a dope addict, the energy of a turtle,
the brain of a rock, the stories of an old sailor, and the sincerity of
a liar. He has the appetite of a horse, the table manners of a
chimpanzee, and the aspirations of Casanova.

When a Marine wants something it is usually a three-day
pass, a light for his cigarette, his OWN field jacket, an extra
poncho liner (or anything else he can appropriate from supply), a
ten dollar loan, or someone to stand his duty.

He likes girls, women, females, ladies and members of the
opposite sex. He likes sex, beer, liquor, liberty, leave and
sixteen-thirty.

He dislikes answering letters, wearing his Alphas, standing
inspections, second lieutenants, getting up for reveille, Marine
Corps chow, close order drill, training, war, work, the day before
payday, and the curfew set by the parents of the girls he takes out.

No woman can tame him, no man can beat him. He is
unwilling, unreliable, irresponsible, impossible, and indestructible.

A Marine is a magical creature. You can shut him out of
your home, but not out of your heart. You can take him off of
your mailing list, but not out of your mind. You may as well give
in; he is yours. He is your brother, lover, friend or son. He is a
bright-eyed, good-for-nothing bundle of worries....

But a Marine.......... :marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Men: HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice,
ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse,
fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish,
upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse,
resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly,
don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.



Women: HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.

:banana:

[thedrifter]

You think your day is bad!!!


Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions


Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

Perfect Couple


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man...

(Women, end e-mail here.!!!! Men, keep scrolling.)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you are a woman, and you are reading
this...this brings up another point...women never listen
either....)

[thedrifter]

The Screw...

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[thedrifter]

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."

[thedrifter]

Life Reflections by George Carlin


1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.

11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

[thedrifter]

A Heavenly Marriage


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a
fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on
St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if
they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and
they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
"Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of
months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get
married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in
Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer!?"

[thedrifter]

Bad Day


The following from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,
went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down
the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now, THAT is a bad day

[thedrifter]

Hungry Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.

"Now what?" Responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!"

[thedrifter]

Tech Support


"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[Phantom Blooper]

A company was looking to hire some for an important position,so they interviewed dozen of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them,they decided to give them all the same question to answer within a twenty four hour period and the one with best answer would get the job.

The question was, "A man and woman were in bed ,nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the mans name?"

After the twenty four hours was up,the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one said, "My answer is their IS no answer." The second one said,"My answer is,that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one says,"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names,it's either, WILLIE TURNER or WILLIE NAILER."...............HE GOT THE JOB!:banana:

[thedrifter]

64 Ways to **** off a Cop


1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.

58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

[thedrifter]

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

[thedrifter]

When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most
concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the
limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to
restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure
have got fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti,
Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed
by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by
piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts
from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course
when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur
and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a
local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her
dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's
a Chicago thang'...)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979
was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has
been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin,
Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had
suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,
having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their
health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a
Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he
was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government,
which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white
socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be
made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was
'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

[thedrifter]

On Air Force One


Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course,
then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy."

[thedrifter]

Grannie Farter


A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these
pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!!
Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[thedrifter]

Lincoln & Kennedy - Coincidences


Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and were caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

HERE'S THE KICKER:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe....

[thedrifter]

A Farmer and His Daughters


A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.

One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang,
the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young
gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to
the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided
to let them go.

The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his
shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm
Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she
ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer
got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said,
"Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.

[thedrifter]

Coutry Club Genie keeps 3rd wish for himself


A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course
lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife
sliced her shot right through the large front window of the
biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the
door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a
broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are
you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off,
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in
that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you
one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's
the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.
"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.
Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a
really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get
a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I
don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After
he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old
is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[thedrifter]

Half a Head of Lettuce


A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of
lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole
head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager
about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some
******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this
gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that
around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but *****s and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Wrestling Title

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

[thedrifter]

A Final Exam


It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

[thedrifter]

Alligator Shoes


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a
great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[thedrifter]

Stages of Life


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the cheque before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel's with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig

AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

[thedrifter]

Smart Dogs


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.

However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.

These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, "What can
your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman's Comp, and went home on sick leave.

[thedrifter]

Hit the Floor!


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[thedrifter]

Sharing a Room


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[thedrifter]

Blind Man


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf
and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the
blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the