Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

God is Missing


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was great.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"

8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" Doc:
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Man: "Is it common?" Doc: "It's not
unusual."

9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
16. Went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" The man answers,
"Like a glove."

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

E-Mail Errors..


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

How could I ever repay you?


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
cheek."

[thedrifter]

Corporate Lessons


Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

*************************

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.

*************************

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut

[thedrifter]

Jesus is Watching You


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."

[thedrifter]

Jackass


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!

[thedrifter]

Dad's Practical Jokes
Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"

Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.

"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
blame her.

"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.

[thedrifter]

Murder Conviction


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[thedrifter]

Not My Drink!


There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison..."

[thedrifter]

Porsche 911 Twin Turbo and Moped

A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he
believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It
is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about
90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me
$100,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost
so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the
young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the
opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on
the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!
It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It
is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from
your side mirror, please."

[thedrifter]

Cool Signs


Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
nose?"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

[thedrifter]

Quotes. . . .

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I **** you off in the process.

- ****ed off? Hey, it's better than being ****ed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY ****es them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

[thedrifter]

The Good, Bad and Ugly


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

[thedrifter]

Mime's Job in the Zoo


One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman
perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good
looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,
it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I
just flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

:banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

Labor Pains


Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time
dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her
and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman
to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels
really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband
says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another
pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same
thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same
thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her
husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still
feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all.
Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both
feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they
find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

[thedrifter]

Mime's Job in the Zoo


One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[thedrifter]

How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[thedrifter]

Irishman Falling Down


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[thedrifter]

The Great Debate


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

[thedrifter]

Who's the Boss?

When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be
boss.

The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all
thoughts.

The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't
be able to see.

The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that
brought man wherever he wanted to go.

The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for
the whole body and he should be boss.

Then the ******* applied for the job.The other parts laughed so
hard that the ******* got angry and closed up for a week. The
stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go
wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the
******* will be the boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just
an *******.

[thedrifter]

Killed the Pig


Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell
them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the pig."

[thedrifter]

Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

[Phantom Blooper]

Somewhere between the security of childhood and the
insecurity of the second childhood, we find the Marine..

Marines are found everywhere; in bars, in cars, behind barns,
in holes, in fights, in trouble, running on the double. You will find
them in battle, on streets, overseas, in love, on leave, but mostly in
debt.

Marines come in assorted sizes, colors, weights and stages of
sobriety, anger, misery and confusion. They come in cammi
green, brown, black, muddy, and sporting the native flora on their
helmets.

A Marine is laziness with a deck of cards, misery with a grin
on his face. Exhausted, sleeping in the mud, a penniless
millionaire, bravery with a beer in his hand, courage with a grain
of sense, he is the protector of America with a Playboy in his back
pocket.

A Marine is a composite. He is air cooled, alcohol operated,
foot propelled. He is cocky, conceited, high-strung and
self-centered, overbearing and considers himself underpaid. He is
sly as a fox, has the nerve of a dope addict, the energy of a turtle,
the brain of a rock, the stories of an old sailor, and the sincerity of
a liar. He has the appetite of a horse, the table manners of a
chimpanzee, and the aspirations of Casanova.

When a Marine wants something it is usually a three-day
pass, a light for his cigarette, his OWN field jacket, an extra
poncho liner (or anything else he can appropriate from supply), a
ten dollar loan, or someone to stand his duty.

He likes girls, women, females, ladies and members of the
opposite sex. He likes sex, beer, liquor, liberty, leave and
sixteen-thirty.

He dislikes answering letters, wearing his Alphas, standing
inspections, second lieutenants, getting up for reveille, Marine
Corps chow, close order drill, training, war, work, the day before
payday, and the curfew set by the parents of the girls he takes out.

No woman can tame him, no man can beat him. He is
unwilling, unreliable, irresponsible, impossible, and indestructible.

A Marine is a magical creature. You can shut him out of
your home, but not out of your heart. You can take him off of
your mailing list, but not out of your mind. You may as well give
in; he is yours. He is your brother, lover, friend or son. He is a
bright-eyed, good-for-nothing bundle of worries....

But a Marine.......... :marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Men: HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice,
ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse,
fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish,
upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse,
resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly,
don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.



Women: HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Show up naked.

:banana:

[thedrifter]

You think your day is bad!!!


Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

[thedrifter]

Philosophic Questions


Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?

[thedrifter]

Perfect Couple


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man...

(Women, end e-mail here.!!!! Men, keep scrolling.)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you are a woman, and you are reading
this...this brings up another point...women never listen
either....)

[thedrifter]

The Screw...

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[thedrifter]

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."

[thedrifter]

Life Reflections by George Carlin


1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.

11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

[thedrifter]

A Heavenly Marriage


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a
fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on
St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if
they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and
they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
"Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of
months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get
married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in
Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer!?"

[thedrifter]

Bad Day


The following from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,
went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down
the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now, THAT is a bad day

[thedrifter]

Hungry Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.

"Now what?" Responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!"

[thedrifter]

Tech Support


"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[Phantom Blooper]

A company was looking to hire some for an important position,so they interviewed dozen of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them,they decided to give them all the same question to answer within a twenty four hour period and the one with best answer would get the job.

The question was, "A man and woman were in bed ,nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the mans name?"

After the twenty four hours was up,the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one said, "My answer is their IS no answer." The second one said,"My answer is,that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one says,"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names,it's either, WILLIE TURNER or WILLIE NAILER."...............HE GOT THE JOB!:banana:

[thedrifter]

64 Ways to **** off a Cop


1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.

58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

[thedrifter]

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

[thedrifter]

When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most
concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the
limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to
restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure
have got fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti,
Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed
by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by
piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts
from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course
when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur
and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a
local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her
dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's
a Chicago thang'...)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979
was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has
been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin,
Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had
suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,
having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their
health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a
Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he
was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government,
which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white
socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be
made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was
'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

[thedrifter]

On Air Force One


Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course,
then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy."

[thedrifter]

Grannie Farter


A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these
pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!!
Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[thedrifter]

Lincoln & Kennedy - Coincidences


Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and were caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

HERE'S THE KICKER:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe....

[thedrifter]

A Farmer and His Daughters


A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.

One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang,
the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young
gentleman said, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to
the show - Is she ready to go?" The farmer frowned, but decided
to let them go.

The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his
shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, "Hi, I'm
Eddie. I'm here for Betty, We're gonna get spaghetti - Is she
ready?" The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer
got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said,
"Hi, I'm Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.

[thedrifter]

Coutry Club Genie keeps 3rd wish for himself


A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course
lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife
sliced her shot right through the large front window of the
biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the
door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a
broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are
you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off,
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in
that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you
one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's
the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.
"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.
Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a
really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get
a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I
don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After
he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old
is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"

[thedrifter]

Half a Head of Lettuce


A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of
lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole
head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager
about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some
******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of
lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this
gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of
trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that
around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but *****s and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Wrestling Title

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't
let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each
other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him
up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up
from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for
he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up
in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I
was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right
in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

[thedrifter]

A Final Exam


It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

[thedrifter]

Alligator Shoes


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a
great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[thedrifter]

Stages of Life


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the cheque before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel's with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig

AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

[thedrifter]

Smart Dogs


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.

However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.

These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, "What can
your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman's Comp, and went home on sick leave.

[thedrifter]

Hit the Floor!


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[thedrifter]

Sharing a Room


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[thedrifter]

Blind Man


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf
and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the
blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub
this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[thedrifter]

Penny Drinks


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?"
exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have
a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents,"
he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy
who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my
wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The
bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[thedrifter]

Driver's License


A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out
of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't
talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off
another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't
want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a
friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about
her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you
have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license.
It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old
you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you
know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how
much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy
got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[thedrifter]

A Final Exam


It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

[thedrifter]

"True" Stories of Stupid People


It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose
himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your ****ing head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd
Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st
Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.

[thedrifter]

Tragedy


Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

[thedrifter]

Reneck Family Tree


Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

[thedrifter]

You think your day is bad!!!


Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the
porch talking, when the little girl suddenly
winked and asked: "Do you want to get
undressed and we can play doctor?"

The little boy replied, "You're so old fashioned.
Spit out your gum, and let's play President. :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean & discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Exercise:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!


:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.


"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender complies and gives him a tall glass. The man tastes the beer, wrinkles his face and yells, "What the heck is this?? This beer is not even cold!". The bartender shrugs it off and says, "take it or leave it. That'll be 3 dollars." The man, very upset doesn't think the beer is worth 3 cent much less 3 dollars and is hesitant to pay. He then remembers that he had several rolls of dimes in his pocket that he picked up from the bank before he came to the bar. Remembering this, he reaches into his pocket, pulls 3 dollars worth of dimes from their wrapper and throws them on the floor next to the bartender and walks out. The bartender is extremely upset by the man's actions, but has no choice other than to pick up all the dimes and add them to the till.

The next day, the same man enters the bar and asks, once again for a beer. The bartender recognizes him and is not thrilled about this patron returning to his bar. Against his better judgement, he serves him up yet another warm beer. The man again screams in disgust, drinks the beer and like before, throws three dollars worth of dimes at the bartender's feet. Enraged, the bartender throws the man out and tells him never to return. The man leaves and the bartender methodically retrieves every dime to add to the till.

The very next day the man returns, but before the bartender has a chance to evict him, the man pleads, "I'm sorry, please don't throw me out. I've just been having a bad week, I've lost my job, my wife left me and I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel terrible about what I've done to you and I promise I won't do it again". The bartender, thinking for a moment, decides to give him another chance after feeling a bit of pity for the man. As usual, he orders a beer. Still warm, but this time no complaints from the man are heard. To his amazement, the bartender receives a crisp 5 dollar bill from the man for the drink. Even though the man has seemingly turned over a new leaf, the bartender still can't help but remember what the man did to him the past couple of days and does not think it should go unpunished. The bartender takes the 5 dollar bill and returns his 2 dollars in change in the same fashion the patron had...in dimes thrown at the man's feet. At this point the bartender feels full of himself and is anxious to watch the man bend down and pick up 20 dimes from all around the barroom floor like he had to do himself. The man looks down at the coins on the floor, thinks for a moment, reaches into his pocket and pulls out 1 dollars worth of dimes and throws them again at the feet of the bartender. Smiling, the man looks up at the confused bartender's face and says, "Give me another beer."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "Do you know what time of night it is? Where have you been?" and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a very large whiskey and he headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Pope and his chauffeur


The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a
while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90
mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of

the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his
window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to
call in.

" The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should

handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur

[thedrifter]

Full of Crap


One morning, an old lady goes to the grocery store to buy cat
food for her little cat. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the cat food because
a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat. So the old
lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. Once
the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells
her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this
time to buy dog food. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the dog food because
a lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog. So the old
lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and
drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady
actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food.

The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a
jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it
has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the
clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in. The
clerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old
lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that
there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk
sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. She tells the
old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy. The
old lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell
it. The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to
smell her finger, she starts to yell. She told the old lady that
the jar is full of crap and her finger smells like ****. The old
lady, with a smile from one ear to the other, tells the clerk,
"Very well. Now Do you think I can buy three rolls of toilet
paper?"

[thedrifter]

Would You Kill My Wife

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[thedrifter]

Over the Airline PA

Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several
airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash
receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that
you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone
jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was
the asphalt!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."

[thedrifter]

Sharing a Room


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[thedrifter]

Murder Conviction


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[thedrifter]

Going to the Gynecologist


A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his
office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.
I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I
like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet
the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of
the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in
the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure all women do, I hopped up on
the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles
away from here. I was surprised when he said: "My...we have
taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I
didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some
shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready
for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
"Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She
called back, "No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It
had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[thedrifter]

Hotel Bill


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[thedrifter]

Two Irishmen at a pub


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you
from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at
the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
drunk again."

[thedrifter]

The Pharmacist


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband
drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little
too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three
blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone
was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with
bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God
is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[thedrifter]

Magic Frog

A man with a 25 inch penis went to his doctor and complained he
was unable to establish an intimate relationship with a lady due
to his size. "Doctor," he asked in total frustration, "is there
any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "medically son,
nothing can be done; but, I know of a witch who may be able to
help you", and he gave him directions to the witch's house.

The man calls upon the witch and explains his dilemma: "Witch,
my penis is 25 inches long, so I cannot establish an intimate
relationship with a lady?" The witch stares in amazement,
scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution
to your problem. You need to go deep in the forest to Hidden
Pond. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can solve your
dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time
the frog says 'NO' to your proposal, your penis will shrink five
inches."

The man couldn't hide his excitement as he dashed into the
forest and located Hidden Pond. He called out to the frog, "will
you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied,
"NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches
shorter. "WOW," he screamed, "this is great!! But it's still too
long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?", he shouted. The frog rolled its eyes
back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another
twitch in his penis, looked down, and it shrank another 5
inches. The man reflected, "this is fantastic, but 15 inches is
still a monster; just a little shorter would be ideal".
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will
you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head
in disgust, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO! ... NO!
... and for the last time, NO!"

[thedrifter]

A Heavenly Marriage


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a
fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on
St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if
they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and
they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
"Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of
months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get
married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in
Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer!?"

[Sgted]

WAY back woods computer jargon

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast. SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

[Phantom Blooper]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he is in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name.



"Fred," he replies.



"Fred what?" the officer asks.



"Just Fred," the man responds.



When the officer presses him for the last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.



"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"



The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."



"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.



Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."



The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Hotter than Hades

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night
in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[thedrifter]

Are you in tune?


Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a
big dept. store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and
gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you
like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband
says,

"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!

[thedrifter]

Over the Airline PA


Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several
airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight
attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash
receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that
you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone
jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the
pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was
the asphalt!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."

[thedrifter]

Sharing a Room


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[thedrifter]

An Idiotic List


IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[thedrifter]

Hit the Floor!


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

[thedrifter]

Friendship


Are you tired of all those "frienship" poems that always sound
good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
"friendship" poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth
itself.

My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to
your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is
not speaking to you right now anyway.

[Phantom Blooper]

Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby), herself, admitted she was at a loss to reply to:

Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
----------------------------------
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language and violence on my VCR?
----------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I have a man I just never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
-----------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three year old, liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting very expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
-----------------------------------
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
-----------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour, every week, for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
-------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until, one night, he came home sober.
--------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
---------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

----------------------------------------
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.





:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!":banana:

[thedrifter]

Trucker Driver & Bikers


At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in the
morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie
and was romancing the solitary waitress there.

All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They
observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and
started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the
trucker to start something. But the trucker didn't say anything,
just paid his bill and walked out.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like your
boyfriend ain't much of a man." The waitress just leaned on the
cash register and looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he
ain't much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over three
motorcycles."

[thedrifter]

T-Shirt Slogans 2001


T-Shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been
Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go
on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through
with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime
ommitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn't."

[thedrifter]

Preacher Goes Hunting

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before
he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make
a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive...."

[thedrifter]

Travel Agent's Encounters with Customers


I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response...click.

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see
England From Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so
close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she
bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to
who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I
don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one
of those." I doublechecked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After
some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find
a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be
silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving


An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The
conversation goes as follows.

Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news ... but your mother
and I, we are getting a divorce ...

Son: WHAT?? You can't! What about -

Dad: I'm sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am
sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)

The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The
conversation goes as follows.

Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE
GETTING A ... A ... DIVORCE!!

Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN'T! You stay put. I'll call you
right back!! (CLICK)

The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation
goes as follows.

Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!

Dad: Honey, listen -

Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW
WHAT? YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING! I'M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE'LL BE
THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON'T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)

The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to allign
it to his liking. He looked at his wife and said "Well, they are
coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what
shall we tell them on Christmas?"

[thedrifter]

A Psychology Experiment


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[thedrifter]

Half sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk
with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in
June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm
awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[thedrifter]

Demerit System used by Women


For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed............................................... ...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father............................................ ..-10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up................................................ ......+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them.............................................. ....-60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

[thedrifter]

The Train Ride


One day after a war was over, a general and a private were
riding a train home, and the private was sitting in an aisle
seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station,
when he looks up, and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen
walk in the car, and she's coming closer, and closer, finally
she takes the seat directly across the aisle, and he gives her
one of those cool smooth looks, and then he looks down the aisle
again and sees....Grandma (who is a stout woman) coming over.

Now she has seen the look from the private to her granddaughter,
and gives the girl a little shove and the girl has to move over
to the window seat. The private is more than a little
disappointed because his view has just gone from gorgeous, to
old and ugly.

About an hour into the ride, They came into this tunnel, and
it's pitch black in the train, you hear this smoooooch, then
SMACK. The Beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed
me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!"

The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the NERVE of that
young man, really, kissing my granddaughter! I am sooo glad she
slapped him!"

The general is thinking, "I am so proud of my private, he saw an
opportunity, and he seized the opportunity, I just wish her
grandma would have hit him instead of me!"

The young private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest man in
the world, I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and
I got to deck my general without getting in trouble for it."

[Phantom Blooper]

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new 22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but theanimals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

>

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

>

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

>

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

>
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


>



In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, ont the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

>

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and thefirst time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the event.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

>
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

>
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."


(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

>
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

>


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

>
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated

(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research??)

>

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)
>
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
>
Starfish don't have brains.


(I know some people like that, too)

>
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And you think you have bad breath?)



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of
manure, throws it in the air, blasts it with the
shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has a
shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the
other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still
cleaning up your mess from the last time you were
here. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training
for upper management position. Come in, drink
coffee, shoot ****, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for the rest of the day."



:banana:

[thedrifter]

Braggart
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Get in."

[thedrifter]

Top 8 Idiots of 2000


Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which
activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably could read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth
thinking about)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber
took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out
himself.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window
was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am
flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away

[thedrifter]

Castrating Headache

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
terrible headaches."

[thedrifter]

Potential vs. Reality


A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His
sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

[thedrifter]

Smart Dogs


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.

However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.

These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, "What can
your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman's Comp, and went home on sick leave.

Category: Animals
Rating: PG
By: Lucky Lady
Mark as unread

[thedrifter]

Good Dog!

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back
again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note
in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I
have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this
stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to
the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the
number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels
thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk
down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter
of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against
it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny List


Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

-------------------------

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.

-------------------------

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one
day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.

-------------------------

Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you
didn't have to keep yours.

-------------------------

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I
didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

-------------------------

Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
That's what I did.

-------------------------

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

-------------------------

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your
son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

-------------------------

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Vow Bribe


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if
you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time
for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."

[thedrifter]

The Phone Call


There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the
benches, rings. A man picks it up and here is the conversation:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes,"
"Great! I'm at the mall and I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is
absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."
"And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. There's one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a great price and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you for?"
"Only $60,000."
"OK, but for that price I want all the options."
"Oh, honey, that's wonderful! Before we hang up, there's one
more thing."
"What is it?"
"I went to see the real estate agent this morning and saw the
house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!. Remember? The
one with a pool, English garden, acre of parking area,
beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Just $450,000. It's a magnificent price and I see that we have
just enough money in the bank to buy it."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!"
"Bye. I love you, too."

The man hangs up the phone and holds it up asking, "Does anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"

[thedrifter]

Terminal Irish Man


An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you
two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for
the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother."

[thedrifter]

God & Lotto


A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"

[Phantom Blooper]

While walking through the park, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this, he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"



“I'm listening to the music of the tree."



You gotta be kiddin me."



"No, would you like to give it a try?"



"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it and begins to listen intently. At that moment, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves him with his arms locked around the tree.



Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark-ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"



He tells the guy the whole story about how he got in this predicament. While he was telling all the details, the guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day, is it?"

[thedrifter]

Creation and Life Expectancy


God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass
and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat
his table scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Dyes Her Hair Brown


Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?

[thedrifter]

The Soldier and the Dog


An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He
caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,
then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking
for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each
seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,
with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked
down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans
are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a
seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love
dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and
snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and
asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told
her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the
garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes
all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed,
the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the
blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

Preacher Goes Hunting


A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided,
sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before
he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good
news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make
a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right
at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to
receive...."

[thedrifter]

Customer Computer Funnies


A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good
point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working just fine."


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the internet?"


Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to
"The Internet."


Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed
the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: Click on "File", then "New Game".
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[thedrifter]

Blind Man


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf
and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the
blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub
this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[thedrifter]

Ventriloquist


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.

The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.

[thedrifter]

A Psychology Experiment


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[thedrifter]

Braggart
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right,
Get in."

[thedrifter]

DUI ENforcement


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[Phantom Blooper]

New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and

reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer

approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the

porch,

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my

possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

"I see you're over a month late for your appointment," said the
psychiatrist. "Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt
and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

"Doc," said the patient, "I was just following your orders."

"Following my orders?" he asked. "What are you talking about? I gave
you no such order."

"Sure you did," replied the patient. "You told me to avoid people
who irritate me.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F%!&*#g khakis.":marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes.He never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's
heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a
thit." :) :)

[Phantom Blooper]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US

government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.

Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

:banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

Hypnotist Session


The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance
and participation at their regular meetings. One member
suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A
famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around
town. Everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the
townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket
watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers
slipped and the watch fell to the floor. "****," said the
hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.

[thedrifter]

Equal Opportunity Employer


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[thedrifter]

Professor's Dirty Jokes


This is a true story from the 30s.

There was a professor who everyday would start off his class
with a dirty joke. Some of the girls in his class were fed up at
this and decided to leave as soon as he started to tell his joke
the next class. The professor caught wind of their plan and the
next class he began his joke and said, "Lately there's been a
critical shortage of *****s in China." The girls all stood up
and began to walk towards the door. And the professor said,
"Whoa hold on girls, the boat doesnt leave till tommorow!"

[thedrifter]

Her Side/His Side


HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that
I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering
if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I
just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else???



HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

[thedrifter]

Terminal Irish Man


An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you
two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for
the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother."

[thedrifter]

Senior Travel


A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.

[thedrifter]

DUI ENforcement


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on
the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[thedrifter]

Twenty Fun Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[thedrifter]

Friendship


Are you tired of all those "frienship" poems that always sound
good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
"friendship" poem that relly speaks to true friendship and truth
itself.

My Friend...

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it can be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to
your sorry ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your sorry ass.

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because
you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed
because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is
not speaking to you right now anyway.

[thedrifter]

Stapled


A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and
was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk,
the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.
He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised
its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the
wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

[thedrifter]

Psalm 129!!


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and
reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up
psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great
opportunity!

[thedrifter]

Ventriloquist
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his
dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.

The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the New
Zealander?)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
New Zealander: The sheep's a liar.

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?" The lady seems to be in intense thought.

Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend
asks, "What happened to you!?" The woman answers nervously, "That
son-of-a-***** dropped $500 in quarters!"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Test


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[thedrifter]

Translation for Little Boy

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You *****!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "****!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "****!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you *****es and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the **** off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey!"

[thedrifter]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thedrifter]

Postcards from Honeymoon


A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[thedrifter]

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit


One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

[thedrifter]

Flaming Gerbil


Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told
bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki)
Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard
tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come
out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.
Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set
fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second
degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil,
while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus
and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this
frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars
to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the
said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into
Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas
in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are
those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the
Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something
like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they
were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think
I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

[thedrifter]

Gone Fishin'


A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One" said the young salesman.

"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"

"One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the
young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's ****ed, you may as well go fishing."

[thedrifter]

A Man with an Ostrich and a Cat


A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a
pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a
pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll
have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint,"
says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says
the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a
large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small
scotch...but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty,
please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain
his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's
brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last
thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats
or ostriches drinkin' in here...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I
know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck
with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[thedrifter]

Long and Pink
"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher.
"Were going to play a guessing game".

"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good".
Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" "No I'm sorry its a
banana but I'm glad to se your thinking"

"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees ". "Its a ball, "No
its a apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".

Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it long and
hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." "JOHNNY!" "That's
inappropriate."

"It's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."

[thedrifter]

A Bloody Vampire Bat


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and
let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all
the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES,
YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said
the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't"

[thedrifter]

Give up drugs


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your ******* before prison....'"

[thedrifter]

Most Embarrasing


Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This? The following are two of
the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start
behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams
of laughter." Amy Richardson-- Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend
and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what
seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." Tim Cahill--Poughkeepsie, New
York

[Phantom Blooper]

One day, at a bus stop in J'Ville, there was a Blonde who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the Blonde was, the Grunt standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The Blonde turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the Grunt says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

:marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small weenie. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the !@#*%@* potatoes"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

"Olympic Activities"

This young swimmer from the Greek Olympic team manages
to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into
his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly
switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap
onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty
minutes of wild sex, they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.
His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven
scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lies beside her. She's
really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He
fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a
small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he
stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly
energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other
side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on
top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second
encounter. Somehow, the Greek Adonis has completely recovered
from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild
activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer
again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the
mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges
on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love
all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly
see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations,
but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another
repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string
of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now
feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed
Greek Adonis, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises
unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself
for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-
Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives
under the bed....

....only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members
of the Greek relay team.............
DeleteReplyForwardSpam Move...

[Phantom Blooper]

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.

Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.

Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.

Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.

Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!

Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.

Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.

Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.

Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.

Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!

Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.

Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.

Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

Q: Whats an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.

Q: What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet?
A: The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion.

Q: Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising?
A: It swelled up!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!

Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.

Q: Did you hear how the Blonde Hockey Team drowned?
A: Spring Training.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase?
A: A branch manager

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I dont know, and neither does she.

Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown.

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's..."

Q: What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker?
A: A fluezy with an Uzi.

Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes?
A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.

Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call five blondes laying on a beach
A: A public access.

Q: What is a blonde's mating call?
A: I'm SO DRUNK!

Q: What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: Supermarket trolleys have a mind of their own.

Q: What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, honey.

Q: Why don't blondes ever eat pickles?
A: Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear with a hose at the end?
A: An air compressor.

Q: What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear.
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!

Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: "It's Okay daddy, I'm alright"

Q: What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What would a blonde say if you asked her what the score was?
A: 24 to 28, tie.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Q: What's a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

:)

[thedrifter]

Thirty Times in a Row!


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in
the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to
perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know
that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[thedrifter]

Keep Daddy Thin


One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

Mail the Photo

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was ****ed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.

[thedrifter]

Password
A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting
to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
"Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

[thedrifter]

Weight Loss Program


A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what
they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure,
sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I
can catch you, I can have you."

[thedrifter]

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it
by several remarks -- usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"

[thedrifter]

Quotes. . . .


- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I **** you off in the process.

- ****ed off? Hey, it's better than being ****ed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY ****es them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.

[thedrifter]

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

[thedrifter]

"True" Stories of Stupid People


It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose
himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should
of blown your ****ing head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd
Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st
Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.

[thedrifter]

An Idiotic List

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[thedrifter]

Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners


I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work.... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ...
there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."

[thedrifter]

Top 8 Idiots of 2000


Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which
activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably could read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth
thinking about)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber
took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out
himself.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window
was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am
flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away

[thedrifter]

When Reality Is Better then Fiction


1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most
concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the
limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to
restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure
have got fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti,
Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed
by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by
piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts
from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course
when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur
and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a
local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her
dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's
a Chicago thang'...)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979
was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has
been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin,
Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had
suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,
having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their
health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a
Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he
was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government,
which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white
socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be
made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was
'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

[thedrifter]

Three Empty Beer Bottles


Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must
promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know
why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointead and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."

[thedrifter]

Bumper Stickers


Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana-At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like
the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I subport publik edjekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

[thedrifter]

Clinton's Clock


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."

[thedrifter]

Old Couple Arrived in Heaven

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and
exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a
master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course would change to new one that
represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it
is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and
you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and
shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[thedrifter]

LA Traffic Jam

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway,
stopping and talking to people through their car windows.

When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's
causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up
there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever
pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's
threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if
people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the
judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

"About ten gallons."

[thedrifter]

Strange Laws


And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they
enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical
fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

[Phantom Blooper]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The
yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything
about my business...

Now give me back my dog .... "

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly10:00.


He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.




This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed..'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if sheis laying on her back?" George replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late.















:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Dear Friends,

My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.


Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.


You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee.. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three- second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"


(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.


By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em... sure would like to get 'em back. :banana:

[Arlene Horton]

Thanks, y'all. I really needed the above. Having a laminectomy on 3l August and needed some cheering up! Thanks again, and Semper Fi.

[thedrifter]

Arlene Horton.....Good Luck and You are in our Prayers

Ellie


Keep Daddy Thin


One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom.
It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night
he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.
Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,
he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top
of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they
both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going
on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke
him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were
doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he
is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his
father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to
keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday
when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and
blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

Radio Game Show


On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones
ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your
answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

[thedrifter]

Who Died the Worst Death?


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

[thedrifter]

Doing The Dishes


Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES!!"

[thedrifter]

Thirty Times in a Row!


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in
the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to
perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know
that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Category: Sex
Rating: R
By: Ab
Mark as unread

[thedrifter]

Password


A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting
to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
"Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

[thedrifter]

The Intercom


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"

[thedrifter]

The African King


The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a
sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very
important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the
secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her
boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to
think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only
marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement
ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat
diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and
says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As
a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the
best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular
phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks
at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I
build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary
knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time
to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch
penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his
hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering
in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his
head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I
cut. I cut."

[thedrifter]

Cuckoo Clock


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."

[thedrifter]

Mommy Almost Died


Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".

[thedrifter]

Farmers' Wives


Two farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when
the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur coat and
a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur
coat. The first farmer replies that if she doesn't like the coat
she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back. The second farmer
nods his head as if understanding the reasoning behind the
answer.

The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for
Christmas. He replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers
and a vibrator. The first farmer asks why he bought these
combination of presents. The second farmer replies that if she
doesn't like the slippers she can go and **** herself.

[thedrifter]

The Screw...


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[thedrifter]

Shot as a Fetus


A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!"

[thedrifter]

No More Headaches

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

[thedrifter]

Winking Saler

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[thedrifter]

Regular Inspection

A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ......

"Well those Little bastards!"

[thedrifter]

Sleeping Problems

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[thedrifter]

The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[thedrifter]

Fishing Experience

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[thedrifter]

Don't Say That!

Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...
------------------------------------

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

[thedrifter]

Heaven's Luxury

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[thedrifter]

Hearing Problems

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because
she never hears me the first time and always asks me to
repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and
tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to
her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the
severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly
as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the
kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He
moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He
moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and
moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks
again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[thedrifter]

Without the Movies.


Things you would never know without the movies.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the
man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is
their polar opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent
will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every
few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

[thedrifter]

Twenty Fun Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[thedrifter]

Three Empty Beer Bottles


Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must
promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in
the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know
why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointead and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the
road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."

[thedrifter]

Clinton's Clock


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."

[thedrifter]

Clinton's Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."

[thedrifter]

Curse to Speak One Word per Year


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his
own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that
the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words
(this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair,
sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest
difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But,
at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved
her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to
ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no
bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"

[thedrifter]

The Three Little Piggies...


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home.

She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think
the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said excitedly, "I know! I
know! He said, 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"

[thedrifter]

American History Class

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[thedrifter]

Genie on Malibu Beach


A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one.."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you
want two lanes or four?

[thedrifter]

Quotes from Celebrities


"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad." --Christopher Case

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either." --Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit
out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second." --Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." --Lily Tomlin

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter." --Drew Carey

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David
Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob
Saget

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?" --Larry Miller

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much
of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy,
let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a
spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry
Seinfeld

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too
high!'" --Bruce Baum

[Phantom Blooper]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." :) :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A mother and father took their five year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked her why.

She told her son, "Well, the bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Her answer satisfied the curiosity of the little boy and he went back out to play on the beach. Soon he returns to tell his mother that he noticed that many of the men have larger willies than his dad.

His mother replied, "Well honey, the bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with her explanation, the boy returns to the beach to play.

Shortly after, the boy came running in to see his Mother and promptly exclaims, "Mom! This is sooo cool! Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item:

Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a
market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the #1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of WAL-MART wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (Squirrel).
:)

[thedrifter]

Missionary in Africa


A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a
white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man
who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's
going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an
albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,
and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about
the white baby."

[thedrifter]

Confucius Say


"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of
fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
organ."

"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man trapped in ***** house get jerked around."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in
hand."

"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."

[thedrifter]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist


Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military
jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall
of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged
the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

[thedrifter]

Big Jamaican

Bob was going out with Wendy and he loved her so much that he
wanted to get her name tattooed on his penis. When it was erect
it spelled "Wendy" but when limp it said "W Y" After their
wedding day they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public
restroom. In the urinal next to him was this big Jamaican man.
Bob looked over the urinal and noticed the letters "W Y" on the
Jamaican's penis and he asked him, "Your girlfriend's name must
be Wendy?"

The big Jamaican man looked at him and said, "No, man, mine says
'Welcome to Jamaica, man have a nice day!'"

[thedrifter]

Child of a Porn Star


A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked
by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at
the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no
boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm
unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the
girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to
live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of
my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward
questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde
hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I
desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted
eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up
and there was also a Chinese man in the movie."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby
a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother
exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the
midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I
had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

[thedrifter]

Genuine letters sent to Landlords


The following are genuine letters sent to landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.

3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.

7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.

13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.

14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

[thedrifter]

What I did in Texas!


(If you can imagine a real mean cowboy accent, the effect of
this joke will be much better!)

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He
decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside
the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and
orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he
suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to
drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out
of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a
really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses
did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on
within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where
it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here
what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do
what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter
and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a
bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and
asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in
Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the
bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk
home!"

[thedrifter]

Custer's Last Thought


The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist
to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The
artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset
during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false
starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled
for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue
lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with
naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a
rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this
got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"

The artist replied, "Well, the way I see it, Custer's Last
Thought had to have been: "Holy Mackerel! Where did all these
****ing Indians come from?'"

[thedrifter]

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas


(I actually did all of these)

1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)

2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)

3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")

4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)

5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)

6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)

7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)

8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)

9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)

10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)

11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)

12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)

13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)

14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)

15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)

Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.

[thedrifter]

Miscommunication


A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short
distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still
barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head
and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the
eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying
piece of trash too!' We were standing there shaking hands when
the truck hit us."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Retirement plan
>
>
>
>Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement,
as
>everyone does when they hit ?? . I saw an article about nursing and
>retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home
for me!
>
>
>Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
>
>
>With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there
is a
>better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on
>reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay
discount and
>senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for
>breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It
also
>will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
Plus,
>I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and
dryer.
>I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be
>treated like a customer, not a patient.
>
>
>
>Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff
scrambling.
>There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The
handicap
>bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus
free
>on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and
eat
>at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly
>somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
>
>
>
>It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand,
>Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in
one
>place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to
city.
>Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken?
Light
>bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix
>everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
>
>
>
>The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks
>if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
If
>you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday
Inn
>will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries
about
>visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and
probably
>check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
>
>
>
>What more can you ask for?
>
>
>
>When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more
benefits
>that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee
makers,
>reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy
>afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your
children
>(free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or
restaurant
>where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even
>feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special
offers,
>too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids
over
>after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to
bring
>more than three friends.
>
>
>
>Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can
keep you
>company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about
>unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever
you
>go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little
>absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not
finding
>your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful
bellman
>or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
>
>
>
>Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
>feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively
giddy
>at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to
>negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a
night!
>
>
>
>"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward
>all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"

[thedrifter]

Old Couple Arrived in Heaven

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and
exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a
master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course would change to new one that
represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it
is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and
you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and
shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[thedrifter]

Two-Cow Explanation


A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[thedrifter]

Strange Laws


And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they
enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical
fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

[thedrifter]

American History Class


It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[thedrifter]

Happy Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her
and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me
running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it
and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them,
looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts
running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and
the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny
forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat
the **** out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in
horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He
was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little ****er! He makes me run around
the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"

[thedrifter]

Idiots


More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots:

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of
safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in
their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head
falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on
a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000
strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier
with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man
threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber
called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

[thedrifter]

Area 51
Lost Again! You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held
him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally
convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up
his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this
time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[thedrifter]

Quotes from Celebrities


"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad." --Christopher Case

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either." --Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit
out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second." --Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." --Lily Tomlin

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter." --Drew Carey

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David
Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob
Saget

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?" --Larry Miller

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much
of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy,
let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a
spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry
Seinfeld

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too
high!'" --Bruce Baum

[thedrifter]

Winston Churchill


Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are
drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: "...I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play...You may bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: "I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one."