PDA

View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...



Pages : 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84

wrbones
10-07-02, 12:55 AM
John had a massive heart attack and died.
His body was delivered to the mortuary.

He had been wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit at the time of his demise,
so he really looked wonderful, considering
the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral
home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about
what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the
man looked really nice in the black suit he
was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked
his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in
a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's
continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
ceremony.

The woman came back the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge
for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice ... "









"So I switched the heads."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wrbones
10-07-02, 12:56 AM
Poem for Computer Users Over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity;
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-in. Floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife;
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Author unknown-



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:08 AM
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"

"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother.

" Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:09 AM
Why Coffee is Better than Women - Part I

1.You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5.You can always warm coffee up.

6.Coffee comes with endless refills.

7.Coffee is cheaper.

8.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 am.

9.Coffee never runs out.

10.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11.You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13.You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15.Coffee smells and tastes good.

16.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18.You can always get fresh coffee.

19.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

20.They sell coffee at police stations.

21.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22.Coffee goes down easier.

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:11 AM
Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet's office today because it bit my mother-in-law."

The other guy asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"

"No, of course not," said the first guy. "I had its teeth sharpened."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. The guy is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:12 AM
A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:15 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911007.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021007.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/dp/2002/dp021007.gif

thedrifter
10-07-02, 07:17 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fw/2002/fw021006.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmmix/2002/tmmix021007.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021007.gif

lakers
10-07-02, 08:41 AM
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could f*ck, he could fly."

USMC0311
10-07-02, 05:30 PM
Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:13 AM
Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:15 AM
A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man?"

President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: "To copulate he finds interns."

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:16 AM
George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:17 AM
The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen." The lady replied.

"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:22 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911008.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021008.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021008.gif

thedrifter
10-08-02, 07:25 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021008.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes021008.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021008.gif

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:26 AM
After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:27 AM
One evening, an American walks into a bar in Sydney. He grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the center of six coins.

The American announces, "My name is Bill - Buffalo Bill."

Immediately, a Russian jumps up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous d**ks hanging down.

The Russian announces, "My name, also, is Bill - Chern O. Bill."

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:29 AM
Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.

A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:30 AM
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:32 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911009.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bz/2002/bz021009.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021009.gif

thedrifter
10-09-02, 07:37 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021009.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmcom/2002/tmcom021007.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021009.gif

lakers
10-09-02, 12:48 PM
Ladies Restroom So typical of a man......not to listen!

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a
look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her
terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were
identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button
labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them?

He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed
the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice
feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air
replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his
underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped,
and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender
loving pleasure!

He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed
what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was
staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the
ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a
grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."

Barrio_rat
10-10-02, 03:34 AM
These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get it"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's come from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorce.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Hope ya liked 'em. I'd also like y'all to remember that the holidays are coming and you should be careful of your partying - KNOW YOUR LIMIT!

thedrifter
10-10-02, 06:50 AM
An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a ***** house and knocked on the door. When the madam answered, he said, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and said, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the madam asked. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" asked the madam. "No, but me want woman. Me got money," replied the Indian.

The madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey - You go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the *****house and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman. Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2 x 4 and smacked her on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed. The Indian replied, "Me check for bees."

thedrifter
10-10-02, 06:51 AM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

thedrifter
10-10-02, 06:54 AM
Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.

After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."

thedrifter
10-10-02, 06:56 AM
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

thedrifter
10-10-02, 07:10 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911010.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021010.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021010.gif

thedrifter
10-10-02, 07:13 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021010.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ob/2002/ob021010.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021010.gif

Barrio_rat
10-10-02, 11:41 AM
Is this how they hunt in Minnesota?

Barrio_rat
10-11-02, 01:19 AM
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' halfbrother."
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You cain't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' halfbrother."
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

Barrio_rat
10-11-02, 01:27 AM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p.ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" The teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psssst!' and it didn't move."

________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later. "Daaa-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

_______________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

_________________________________________________


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

________________________________________________


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom say it's a b.tch to iron."

_________________________________________________


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said," Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

________________________________________________


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b.tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b.tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b.tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

_________________________________________________


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh.t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

thedrifter
10-13-02, 03:34 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911013.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021013.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021013.gif

thedrifter
10-13-02, 03:36 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021013.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021013.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021013.gif

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:01 AM
After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:03 AM
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor.

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating in it.

Astonished and shocked, he turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.

"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a small package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and place on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:04 AM
Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.

A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:05 AM
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:09 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911014.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bt/2002/bt021014.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021014.gif

thedrifter
10-14-02, 07:11 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cs/2002/cs021014.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fw/2002/fw021013.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021014.gif

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:15 AM
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on television?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why is it called SEX?
A: Because it's easier to spell than, "Uhhhhh - Oooohh - Ahhhhhh - AIIEEEEEEE!"

Q: What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra?
A: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:16 AM
One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:17 AM
Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door. Your wife is barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Well, it's your call, but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:19 AM
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks him what is wrong.

"Well," replied the groom, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!"

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:21 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911015.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbou/2002/tmbou021015.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021015.gif

thedrifter
10-15-02, 07:24 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021015.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmmix/2002/tmmix021015.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021015.gif

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:38 AM
Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ****ed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:39 AM
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed the ham in a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:40 AM
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decided to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So," the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:41 AM
While traveling through the Deep South, a salesperson stopped at an inn for a meal. When he was through, he asked to use the bathroom. The proprietor pointed to an outhouse in the back.

After taking a decent-sized dump, the man found, to his chagrin, that there was no toilet paper. Instead, there was a small hole in the wall, a slot, and a sign. The sign read, "Insert twenty-five cents and your dirty finger will be cleaned with the greatest care, warmth and attention."

Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his finger to clean his butt, plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger in the hole. Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the other side with a pair of bricks. When the finger came through, the lad smashed it between the bricks!

Howling with pain, the man put his finger in his mouth . . .

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:44 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911016.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021016.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021016.gif

thedrifter
10-16-02, 06:46 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021016.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021016.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes021016.gif

Sparrowhawk
10-16-02, 08:49 PM
Friday, October 11, 2002





The menu at the Coffee Garden at 900 East and 900 South in Salt Lake City has included a scrumptious selection of quiche for about 10 years.

The recipe calls for four fresh eggs for each quiche.
A Salt Lake County Health Department inspector paid a visit recently and pointed out that research by the Food and Drug Administration indicates that one in four eggs carries salmonella bacterium, so restaurants should never use more than three eggs when preparing quiche.

The manager on duty wondered aloud if simply throwing out three eggs from each dozen and using the remaining nine in four-egg-quiches would serve the same purpose.

The inspector wasn't sure, but she said she would research it.

Barrio_rat
10-17-02, 12:34 AM
Please award this medal to deserving individuals as you see fit. It is the PITA (Pain In The Ass) Medal.

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:17 AM
Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ****ed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:18 AM
In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:20 AM
One gloomy afternoon, it was raining strongly when the door bell rings. The husband opens the door and finds his mother-in-law outside on the porch, her clothes completely wet.

The guy says, "Mother-in-law, what are you doing outside in this weather? Go home!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys, ran into each other on a street corner one day. The first guy says, "I just got back from a real pleasure trip."

The second guy asks, "Where did you go?"

The first guy answered, "I took my mother-in-law to the airport!"

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:21 AM
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen." Mad as hell, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:24 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911017.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021017.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021017.gif

thedrifter
10-17-02, 07:26 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021017.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021017.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021017.gif

Kegler300
10-17-02, 01:26 PM
A Panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the Panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for a Panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, caracterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:19 AM
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:20 AM
Excerpts from Barbara Walter's latest Monica Lewinsky interview:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming."

"I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:21 AM
A handsome American Army captain, assigned to the American Embassy's military attache office in London, was shopping in Harrod's during his lunch hour and got the hungries.

He went to the cafeteria, loaded a tray, and the only available space was at a table occupied by a gorgeous gal. He asked the gal if he could share the table with her, which is the accepted procedure in jolly old England. She nodded. He sat down and they began a conversation.

They were smitten with each other and one thing led to another until he ended up in her flat for a little horizontal recreation. Both enjoyed it immensely.

He had to go back to work and didn't see her again until a couple weeks later when he met her on the street near his Embassy. "Hello, Pamela," he said.

She gave him a drop dead look. He was crestfallen. "Pamela," he said. "Don't you remember me? Remember lunch in Harrod's? Remember the wonderful time we had at your flat?"

She remained unmoved and said haughtily, "Since when did intercourse constitute a formal introduction?"

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:22 AM
My best friend married a doctor several years ago. After being married for about three years, my friend's husband said to his wife, "You need to do something to spice up our love-making."

Shortly thereafter, he came home and found his wife in bed with another man who also happened to be a doctor.

"But, why?" asked her hubby.

"You said that I needed to do something to spice up our love-making," she replied. "I just wanted to get a second opinion."

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:25 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911018.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmani/2002/tmani021018.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021018.gif

thedrifter
10-18-02, 07:27 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021018.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/dp/2002/dp021018.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021018.gif

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:26 AM
After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:27 AM
The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do.

The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember three things. First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words: "Aisle, altar, hymn."



(I'll alter him)

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:28 AM
The Night Before X-mas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.
He cussed at the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money.

And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible - Those mean little ****s.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls - Their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this
Try holding those brats, with their pants full of ****.

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird.

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job - There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde . . . I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Love,
St. Nick

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:29 AM
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."

The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."

Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:32 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911019.gif



http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbou/2002/tmbou021019.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021019.gif

thedrifter
10-19-02, 09:35 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021019.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/oe/2002/oe021019.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021019.gif

thedrifter
10-20-02, 07:32 AM
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters. So he devised a test to tell for certain, how often someone has had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "Then, what the heck are you so happy about?"

The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"

thedrifter
10-20-02, 07:34 AM
One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

thedrifter
10-20-02, 07:35 AM
Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door. Your wife is barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Well, it's your call, but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

thedrifter
10-20-02, 07:36 AM
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochi cooh?" Asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie. But the bar, you know, the frozen glass . . ."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey, at the bar, you know - the swearing, the dirty words and all that." said the husband.

His wife replied, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Okay. Here. Drink your f***ing beer in your f***ing frozen glass, and eat your f***ing hors d'oeuvres, because you're not going anywhere you f***ing a**hole!"

NamNuts
10-20-02, 10:37 AM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort in Negril.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in a jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Wheeling, West Virginia and I worked both sides of the river."

fabboss
10-20-02, 04:25 PM
Worst Wife

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing, and it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names is pretty cool, but ... who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied, "My wife's Indian name translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Sam asked, "OK, but what does it(Three-Old-Horses) mean?"

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said, "Nag, Nag, Nag."


:banana:

House Mouse
10-20-02, 06:07 PM
http://ebay1.ipixmedia.com/abc/M28/_EBAY_13637aa5033a5b0910a9aa8bc0c98f21/i-1_B.JPG

Barrio_rat
10-20-02, 09:22 PM
Cover the kid's eyes... They're comin' to a neighborhood near you!

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:18 AM
An 80-year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80-year-old man, I'm married, I have four children and eleven grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 19-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession. I'm not Catholic."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Hell Father, I'm telling everyone!"

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:19 AM
In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:20 AM
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher at a wedding. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked her.

"Certainly not," she snapped. "I'm the groom's mother."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:21 AM
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:24 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021021.gif

thedrifter
10-21-02, 07:26 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021021.gif

thedrifter
10-21-02, 12:46 PM
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super
Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch
as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you
going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees. "Watch
and
learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the
train.

The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three
Southerners cram
into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please. "The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and
save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't
buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Yankee. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the
Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which
the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says,
"Ticket please."

(And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!)

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:34 PM
When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher
and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.

Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving."

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:36 PM
> > Subject: FW: The Pope visits Texas
> >
> > On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary
> to
> > visit the Texas coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4
> > "Popemobile"was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was
> an
> > enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see
> what it
> > was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a
> hapless
> > man wearing a Texas Longhorn's football jersey,
> > struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot
> shark.
> >
> > At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Oklahoma
> Sooners
> > football jerseys roared into view from around the point.
> Immediately, one of
> > the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs,
> immobilizing it
> > instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Texas man from
> the
> > water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They
> bundled the
> > bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark
> and then
> > prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from
> the
> > shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they
> reached
> > shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you
> > my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is some
> bitter
> > hatredbetween the people of Texas and Oklahoma, but now I can see
> with my
> > own eyes
> > this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened
> example
> > of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states
> could
> > follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
> >
> > As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
> "That," one
> > answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with
> God and
> > has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner replied,
> "he
> > don't
> > know nothing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do
> we need
> >
> > to get another one?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
>

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:38 PM
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:39 PM
SATAN

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do.":

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."




__________________________________________________ __

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:41 PM
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her
daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about
two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is
pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit
looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to
me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would
show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant."

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:44 PM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few
suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest
suggests,"Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,'
and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says,"Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping
your knee and saying 'No ****! What happened next?'"




----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:46 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted
husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled
by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain,
and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as
much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know
I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you
dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:48 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their
decision
> to get married.
> They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a
> drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the
man
> behind
> the counter: "Are you the owner?"
> The pharmacist answers "Yes."
> Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
> Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> Pharmacist: "Of course."
> Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
> Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
> Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register
> our wedding gift list with them!!" >

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:50 PM
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a
little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer
from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and
then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with
me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask
him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and
have a drink with me?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
A little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes."

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:51 PM
BUMPER STICKERS
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an *******.
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Hang up and drive.
9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. Don't! like my driving? Then quit watching me.
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
AND THE BEST ONE:
14. Welcome to America...Now speak English

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:52 PM
Dear Abby,
He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is
a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a
lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of
his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it
all.
Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has
been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. Just
because I am a lesbian he chooses to ignore me at home. I don't know what to
do.
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you
don't need him anymore.

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:54 PM
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband laughs sarcastically and asks, "What did he say about your
55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:56 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul

it home."


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and

decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for

$599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a

telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and

says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've

bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our

pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then

adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After

thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her

the word "comfortable."


The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know

that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive

out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the

word,'comfortable?'"


The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll

read it slow.


("com-for-da-bul")

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:57 PM
One day, four young Marine warriors turn up outside the pearly
gates. St Peter explained that before they could pass they must answer one
simple question.

Up walked the first guy. St Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"
The 1st warrior answers: "3"
"NO" said St Peter, "5" "NO" said St Peter "4"
"Yes; in you go."

Up comes the second warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
He answered, "The square root of 16."
Very impressed St Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's greater than 2."
"Yes"
"But less than 6"
' Yes"
"It's greater than 3"
"Yes"
"But less than 5"
"Yes"
"It's 4" "Well done, in you go"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St Peter asked
him, "What's 2+2?"
"5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges
past St Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St Peter, "What was all that
about?" St Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on
earth, and those four men were all officers who have been killed."
"How can you tell?" inquires the angel.
"The first guy was a engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but
he kept hammering away until he got through."
"The second guy was an aviator, who gave me more information than I really required."
"The third guy was an artilleryman, who was uncomfortable with any firm
answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."
"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and
then tore through the gates anyway."
Ahh" said St Peter, "That was the infantry - dumber than dirt, but you've
gotta just love 'em."

wrbones
10-21-02, 10:59 PM
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

wrbones
10-21-02, 11:00 PM
Subject: The Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They only know how to say,
"Hi, We're hookers. Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and
worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings
her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are
holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female
parrots
in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hookers,
want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male
parrot and says, "Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been
answered."

wrbones
10-21-02, 11:01 PM
There was a party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about ten minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after another. All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window!
The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeeekkkkkkk!! Look at my window!!!!! There's an old Indian guys face there!" (Was this a ghost!?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

The passenger rolled his window part way down and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco."

"Well, offer him a cigarette. HURRY!!!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with a pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?' The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then, all of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old Indian man again.

"Aaaaaaaa, there he is again," the passenger yells. "Well,see what he wants now," yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT."

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there is more knocking!

"Oh my G~d! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wrbones
10-21-02, 11:03 PM
An Act Of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:11 AM
Four nuns in a convent wanted to watch the television.

The first nun said that she wanted to watch the Indy 500.

The second nun wanted to watch that sexy Stone Cold Steve Austin wrestle on WWF.

The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so that she could learn to knit some mittens for the upcoming winter.

The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel about how a baby is born.

After some discussion, they all decided to flip channels every two seconds so they could all watch all of the programs.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In ... Out ... In ... Out ... and yes, the baby is born!

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:12 AM
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton has given up the Saxophone. Instead he's learning how to play the *****-Monica.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite toy?
A: An Erector Set.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite California city?
A: Scent o' Monica.

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:13 AM
During the 1960's, when the draft law could induct most young men into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not.

One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign that read: "Better two years than life."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How is being in the army like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:14 AM
My best friend married a doctor several years ago. After being married for about three years, my friend's husband said to his wife, "You need to do something to spice up our love-making."

Shortly thereafter, he came home and found his wife in bed with another man who also happened to be a doctor.

"But, why?" asked her hubby.

"You said that I needed to do something to spice up our love-making," she replied. "I just wanted to get a second opinion."

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:16 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021022.gif

thedrifter
10-22-02, 07:19 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021022.gif

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:31 AM
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:33 AM
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor.

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating in it.

Astonished and shocked, he turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.

"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a small package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and place on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:34 AM
The Night Before X-mas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.
He cussed at the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money.

And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible - Those mean little ****s.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls - Their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this
Try holding those brats, with their pants full of ****.

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird.

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job - There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde . . . I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Love,
St. Nick

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:35 AM
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. His mother said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig.

The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And, I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the stairs, and tripped over and kicked the cat. The boy commented, "Mom, should I tell him?"

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:38 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911023.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021023.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021023.gif

thedrifter
10-23-02, 07:40 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021023.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmlol/2002/tmlol021023.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021023.gif

fabboss
10-23-02, 08:22 PM
Bet you stand up and say YEAH! after ya read this!!

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the law of statistics.

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact,
if you want to be an American citizen you should have to speak English!. My father and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word
"freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or
tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or
any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries
and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms so that decades later
they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document
and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich and I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television, and that doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little bottoms when necessary and just say "NO".

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And Please stay home until that new lip ring heals, I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness" and of all the suck ups that go
along with it.

I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa, so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my
great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough noogies!

P.S. This doesn't make me a racist, uncaring, unloving, unforgiving or unsympathetic. It makes me an American

Barrio_rat
10-24-02, 12:55 AM
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%, out of 100%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:04 AM
Once there was this mountain man who came into town. He goes to the local bar and has a drink. He asks the bartender, "Where can a guy get a woman around here?"

The bartender says, "There are no women around here but we have Joe in the back room." The mountain man replies, "No thanks, I don't go for that kind of thing." Then he leaves and goes back up into the mountains.

Three months pass, and the mountain man comes back into town and goes to the bar again. He asks the bartender if there are any women in town. The bartender tells him once again no but they have Joe in the back room. The mountain man says, "Naw, I don't go for that kind of thing."

Six months pass, and again the mountain man comes into town. He goes to the bar again and asks, "Are there any women in town"? The bartender says, "No, but we still have Joe in the back room."

The mountain man thinks for a moment and asks, "Say I was to go for Joe in the backroom there - Who would know?"

The bartender says, "Nobody but you, me, Joe and the two guys it takes to hold him down. Joe don't go for that kinda thing either."

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:05 AM
New Software: GirlFriend 1.0 - Part I

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:06 AM
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning
and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Marriage is probably
the main cause of divorce.

Love is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.

DIVORCE.BAT found ...
deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE.

Q: What is the best way to save a marriage?
A: Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:07 AM
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor. We're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:10 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911024.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021024.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021024.gif

thedrifter
10-24-02, 06:12 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021024.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021024.gif



http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021024.gif

NamNuts
10-24-02, 08:16 AM
Hell, that can only be these two supposed "mastermind" shooters(least thats what all the talking heads have declared them for the last few weeks)turds in D.C. area..using a stolen credit card..from another crime..to have funds transfered to it for THEIR use...that's as good as the turd that leaves a wallet behind with drivers license in the damn thing!

MASTERMINDS...maybe good tactics, till they opened their mouths...!

Ole Greek feller once wrote; If your preceived to be a fool, never open your mouth and take all doubt away!

adolphbell
10-24-02, 08:55 PM
Question:
If a man is in the forest and says anything with no woman around, is he still wrong?

lakers
10-24-02, 11:40 PM
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'

The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'

Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'

George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'

author unknown

NamNuts
10-24-02, 11:53 PM
I'd like to share with you a blue moon!

http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_1002/bluemoon.swf ;)

lakers
10-24-02, 11:56 PM
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

author unknown

lakers
10-25-02, 12:45 AM
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

author unknown

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:16 AM
An 80-year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80-year-old man, I'm married, I have four children and eleven grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 19-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession. I'm not Catholic."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Hell Father, I'm telling everyone!"

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:17 AM
In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:19 AM
The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking down the beach and found a dirty old oil lamp. The guy decided to polish the dust off of the lamp, and naturally, a genie appears.

The genie tells the guy that he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:24 AM
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again.

He skirt is still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.

Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!"

The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:29 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911025.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021025.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021025.gif

thedrifter
10-25-02, 06:32 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021025.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021025.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021025.gif

NamNuts
10-25-02, 07:40 AM
The DD

A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone being drunk,
waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight...... so he
parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to
come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45 PM a man
came stumbling out of the bar. It took him 5 minutes to get to
his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer
sensed victory and let the man start driving.

He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the Tavern.

He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of
that bar and you were pretty loaded."

"Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man.

"How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer.

"Anoout fiften," said the man.

"FIFTEEN! And you are trying to drive?!? You will get life for
this," said the officer.

"Hop outta the car. I am gonna run some tests on you," said the
officer.

The man hoped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and
stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABC's fowards
and backwards. The police officer couldn't get it.

"Ok, let me smell your breath," said the officer.

"Sure," said the man.

He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelt no
beer on his breath.

"Well I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you
stumble out of the bar so drunk?"

"Oh I am the DD," said the man.

"A designated driver?"

"No, a designated decoy," said the man.

Kegler300
10-25-02, 08:14 AM
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


Hold on






It's a good one.









You'll love it.










are you ready?












It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO

devilpup2B
10-25-02, 04:09 PM
ANSWERS

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADAR
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with cross-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to
arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.


JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvoius? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken,
you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SUESS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

KEN STARR
I intend to rpove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying
to cover up. Ad a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and
undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our
investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it!

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concernce that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just release eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextriciable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him
down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

NamNuts
10-25-02, 06:17 PM
Signs your a drunk...

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an identical twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. "Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. Your moral is: I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!
15. You don't recognize your wife unless she's seen from the bottom of a glass.
16. That dammned pink elephant followed you home again.
17. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
18. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

fabboss
10-25-02, 08:38 PM
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his
phoney $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So,
he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and
handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can
you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled
and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"





~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize
that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had
to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store,
I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of
people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all
the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was
still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer. . . . "

"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell
her."
:banana:

lakers
10-26-02, 01:22 AM
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

lakers
10-26-02, 01:37 AM
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!


author unknown

thedrifter
10-26-02, 07:57 AM
Four nuns in a convent wanted to watch the television.

The first nun said that she wanted to watch the Indy 500.

The second nun wanted to watch that sexy Stone Cold Steve Austin wrestle on WWF.

The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so that she could learn to knit some mittens for the upcoming winter.

The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel about how a baby is born.

After some discussion, they all decided to flip channels every two seconds so they could all watch all of the programs.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In ... Out ... In ... Out ... and yes, the baby is born!

thedrifter
10-26-02, 07:59 AM
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

thedrifter
10-26-02, 08:00 AM
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!)

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, where are your balls?" The general replied, "In Viet Nam."

thedrifter
10-26-02, 08:01 AM
A businessman and his secretary were overcome by passion, and the executive convinced her to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."

"Don't worry," he purred. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us."

The pair were necking in the businessman's bedroom, when the secretary gasped, "We got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control!"

"No problem," he replied. "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm."

He immediately began rooting around in the bathroom. After a half-hour, he returned to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaimed. "She took it with her! I always knew that she didn't trust me."

thedrifter
10-26-02, 08:04 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911026.gif



http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021026.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021026.gif

thedrifter
10-26-02, 08:07 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021026.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021026.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021026.gif

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:09 AM
Once there was this mountain man who came into town. He goes to the local bar and has a drink. He asks the bartender, "Where can a guy get a woman around here?"

The bartender says, "There are no women around here but we have Joe in the back room." The mountain man replies, "No thanks, I don't go for that kind of thing." Then he leaves and goes back up into the mountains.

Three months pass, and the mountain man comes back into town and goes to the bar again. He asks the bartender if there are any women in town. The bartender tells him once again no but they have Joe in the back room. The mountain man says, "Naw, I don't go for that kind of thing."

Six months pass, and again the mountain man comes into town. He goes to the bar again and asks, "Are there any women in town"? The bartender says, "No, but we still have Joe in the back room."

The mountain man thinks for a moment and asks, "Say I was to go for Joe in the backroom there - Who would know?"

The bartender says, "Nobody but you, me, Joe and the two guys it takes to hold him down. Joe don't go for that kinda thing either."

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:10 AM
This young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to bed with in the worst possible way. He finally was able to talk her into a "quickie."

As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car, the young man said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

To which she replied, "If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:12 AM
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son," he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:13 AM
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:18 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911027.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021027.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021027.gif

thedrifter
10-27-02, 08:21 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021027.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021027.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021027.gif

wrbones
10-28-02, 12:02 AM
.

wrbones
10-28-02, 12:08 AM
.

wrbones
10-28-02, 12:13 AM
.

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:10 AM
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:12 AM
The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do.

The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember three things. First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words: "Aisle, altar, hymn."



(I'll alter him)

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:13 AM
Two high-powered executives, Bob and Denny staggered out of their company Christmas party in New York City. Denny started crossing the street, while Bob accidentally stumbled into a subway entrance.

When Denny reached the other side, he turned to notice Bob emerging from the subway stairs. "Where have you been?" Denny slurred.

"I don't know" replied Bob, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:15 AM
Our local supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:18 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911028.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021028.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021028.gif

thedrifter
10-28-02, 08:20 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021028.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021028.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021028.gif

fabboss
10-28-02, 09:25 PM
The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick.

She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.

He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite."

When her father returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."

thedrifter
10-29-02, 06:55 AM
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a Snow woman?
A: Because it takes so long to hollow out the man's head.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
A: Porcupines have pricks on their outside.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the **** out of you.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Don't know! It has never happened!

thedrifter
10-29-02, 06:57 AM
In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

thedrifter
10-29-02, 06:58 AM
Two friends meet each other on the street. The first guy says, "Hello, Arnie! Where are you coming from?"

Arnie replied, "Oh, don't ask me. . . I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law."

The first guy said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. But why is your face scratched all over?"

Arnie responded, "It wasn't so easy. She put up one hell of a fight!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women bumped into each other at the shopping mall. The first woman remarked, "My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday."

The second lady asked, "How is she now?"

The first woman replied, "She's fine. But, the dog died."

thedrifter
10-29-02, 06:59 AM
An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Okay," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

thedrifter
10-29-02, 07:02 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911029.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021029.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bol/2002/bol021027.gif

thedrifter
10-29-02, 07:05 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmcom/2002/tmcom021028.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021029.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021029.gif

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:21 AM
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:22 AM
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton were on theTtitanic. When it started to sink Carter yelled, "Quick, save the women and children!"

Richard Nixon replied, "F**k the women and children."

To that, Bill Clinton exclaimed, "Do we have time?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:24 AM
We've all heard tales about how this branch of the military, or that one, is the toughest. Well, let me tell y'all about one of the strictest unit commanders ever to serve in the US Navy.

It was the policy of our Commanding Officer that he, and he alone would approve any and all leave. I approached him one day and asked for time off to get married in a few months

He looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Denied. Son, if we would have wanted you to have a wife, we would have issued you one!"

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:26 AM
A man has his penis chopped off in a fluke accident. He is rushed to the hospital, where several doctors examine him.

After a careful examination, one of the doctors says to the man, "We can replace it with a small size penis for $2000, a medium sized penis for $5000, a large penis for $7000, or an extra large penis for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time, and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back to the room, he found the man staring sadly at the floor. " We have made a decision," the man told his doctor, as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:28 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911030.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021030.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fw/2002/fw021027.gif

thedrifter
10-30-02, 07:31 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021030.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/hc/2002/hc021030.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021030.gif

fishon
10-30-02, 09:18 AM
Originally posted by Barrio_rat
Please award this medal to deserving individuals as you see fit. It is the PITA (Pain In The Ass) Medal.

fishon
10-30-02, 09:31 AM
Originally posted by wrbones
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

NamNuts
10-30-02, 12:05 PM
Thoughts for a Wednesday...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Have a great Wednesday...

fishon
10-31-02, 06:33 AM
Originally posted by NamNuts


Thoughts for a Wednesday...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Have a great Wednesday...

thedrifter
10-31-02, 06:54 AM
Nam Nuts....you might have a idea there.......


One afternoon, an older gentleman was driving down the freeway when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he was pulled over by a state trooper in hot pursuit.

The police officer strutted up to the driver's window and asked the old gentleman, "Sir, didn't you know that your wife had fallen out of your car about four or five miles back?"

The old driver exclaimed, "Thank Goodness! What a relief! I thought that I had gone deaf."

thedrifter
10-31-02, 06:55 AM
A few years ago, a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said, "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass-roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."

The Mayor replied, "That's right, young man. I brought the campaign to the people. But I must correct you on one point - I did not kiss a parakeet. I kissed a cock-or-two."

thedrifter
10-31-02, 06:58 AM
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

thedrifter
10-31-02, 07:01 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911031.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bi/2002/bi021031.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021031.gif

thedrifter
10-31-02, 07:03 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021031.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021031.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021031.gif

wrbones
10-31-02, 06:45 PM
A little woman, calling the hospital, said,
"Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients.

I want to know if the patient is getting better,
or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said,
"What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure
is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's
going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen
is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful!
Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you must be a close family member or a very
close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor,
doesn't tell me ****!"

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:02 AM
Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my head can have sex with me tonight."

An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"

Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE." Within a few minutes, and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?"

To which he replied, "$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed." The lady gave him a $20.00 bill.

He asked, "One on the bed?" No, replied the lady, "Four on the floor."

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:04 AM
Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:05 AM
"Sally," asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"

"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see. I would break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution that she escaped from."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.

"Yes, my son, absolutely," replied the minister.

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $125 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:07 AM
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the romantic honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom.

But Bambi pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"No," Bambi announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:10 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911101.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021101.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021101.gif

thedrifter
11-01-02, 07:13 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021101.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021101.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021101.gif

Barrio_rat
11-02-02, 01:01 AM
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but lacked direction.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 45 and looking for a girl with very big tits.

Barrio_rat
11-02-02, 01:26 AM
The real question is, how will we (this current generation) survive?????

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or the BB gun was not available. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring). The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell and a pager was the school PA system. We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge (amazing we aren't all brain dead from that) and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention for about the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20. Built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.

What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got butt-whooped. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got butt-whooped (physical abuse) there too... and then we got butt-whooped again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room) and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Harry Hinson from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she pick him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?

lakers
11-02-02, 01:29 AM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

Barrio_rat
11-02-02, 01:31 AM
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says...

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

lakers
11-02-02, 01:50 AM
A couple was sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "God!"

The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?"

Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam, when she didn't want any more children?"

The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he got up and screamed: "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"

lakers
11-02-02, 05:14 PM
Little something for your Tastebuds
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank who had moved to
Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event.

CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge One: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb.***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge One: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
Judge One: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

thedrifter
11-03-02, 10:03 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911103.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmani/2002/tmani021103.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021103.gif

thedrifter
11-03-02, 10:06 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021103.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021103.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021103.gif

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:36 AM
Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my head can have sex with me tonight."

An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"

Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE." Within a few minutes, and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?"

To which he replied, "$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed." The lady gave him a $20.00 bill.

He asked, "One on the bed?" No, replied the lady, "Four on the floor."

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:38 AM
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our sitter's boyfriend."

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:39 AM
"Sally," asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"

"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see. I would break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution that she escaped from."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.

"Yes, my son, absolutely," replied the minister.

"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $125 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:41 AM
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." And off she went.

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.

The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:44 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911104.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021104.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021104.gif

thedrifter
11-04-02, 06:47 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021104.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021104.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021104.gif

lakers
11-04-02, 08:19 PM
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because
she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if
he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable
to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and
ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep,
and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will
work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon,
and carefully ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works
on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over.
He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached
to his privates. He is very
confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and
looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first
and second place."

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:05 AM
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge to a man.

If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. I want to marry you. And, most of all, I want to have your children."

Sometimes they leave skid marks.

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:06 AM
T-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Guys have feelings too. But like ... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: six minutes.

I hate everybody and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is ... ?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:08 AM
Two friends meet each other on the street. The first guy says, "Hello, Arnie! Where are you coming from?"

Arnie replied, "Oh, don't ask me. . . I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law."

The first guy said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. But why is your face scratched all over?"

Arnie responded, "It wasn't so easy. She put up one hell of a fight!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women bumped into each other at the shopping mall. The first woman remarked, "My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday."

The second lady asked, "How is she now?"

The first woman replied, "She's fine. But, the dog died.

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:09 AM
An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Okay," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:12 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911105.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021105.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbot/2002/tmbot021105.gif

thedrifter
11-05-02, 07:16 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ft/2002/ft021105.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021105.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes021105.gif

thedrifter
11-05-02, 01:34 PM
It took me awhile.......but I found it.......

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/6701.jpg

tkuhr
11-05-02, 04:41 PM
No Fair!

Trick question, there is no car! Hey! Damn! Chesty likes his beer and mine too.

devilpup2B
11-05-02, 10:41 PM
>1972: Long hair
>2002: Longing for hair
>
>1972: KEG
>2002: EKG
>
>
>1972: Acid rock
>2002: Acid reflux
>
>1972: Moving to California because it's cool
>2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>
>1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>
>1972: Hoping for a BMW
>2002: Hoping for a BM
>
>1972: The Grateful Dead
>2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>
>1972: Going to a new, hip joint
>2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>1972: Rolling Stones
>2002: Kidney Stones
>
>1972: Being called into the principal's office
>2002: Calling the principal's office
>
>1972: Disco
>2002: Costco
>
>
>1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>
>1972: Passing the drivers' test
>2002: Passing the vision test
>
>1972: Whatever
>2002: Depends
>
>Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
>certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
>Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense
>of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
>
>Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this
>Fall across the nation were born in 1983. They are too young to
>remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always
>included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and
>plastic! The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have
>always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They
>cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always
>been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the
>microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They
>can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who
>Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the
>Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de
>plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.
>R. even is. Michael Jackson has always been white. McDonald's
>never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to
>use a typewriter.
>
>Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other friends in your
>life.
>

devilpup2B
11-05-02, 10:43 PM
>A message from the rural Midwest:
>
>Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and
>Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, or
>Illinois, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of
information
>guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the
>following list will be handed to each driver entering the State:
>
>1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
>breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
>
>2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going
>to
>get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need
it.
>Drive it or get it out of the way.
>
>3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah,
>we
>saw Bambi. We got over it.
>
>4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you
>whipped... by our women.
>
>5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
>flathead
>catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
trout
>you fish for...bait.
>
>6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
>
>7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
>final
>approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear
>at the time.
>
>8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you
>paid in the airport for one drink.
>
>9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it
>rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham
>and turkey.
>
>10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over
>ice.
>
>11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're
>real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we
use
>two weeks a year.
>
>12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when
>it's
>red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
>
>13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So,
>you're
>a feminist. Isn't that cute.
>
>14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi
and
>caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
>
>15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it?
>Interstate 80 goes two ways--Interstate 57 goes the other two. Pick
one and
>use it accordingly.
>
>16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious
>holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
>
>17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
>Understand the concept?
>
>18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It
spooks
>the
>fish.
>
>19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like
>an
>idiot...his name is "Sir".no matter how old he is.
>
>Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.ASAP

thedrifter
11-06-02, 07:58 AM
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve

thedrifter
11-06-02, 08:00 AM
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly, he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulously, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

thedrifter
11-06-02, 08:01 AM
We've all heard tales about how this branch of the military, or that one, is the toughest. Well, let me tell y'all about one of the strictest unit commanders ever to serve in the US Navy.

It was the policy of our Commanding Officer that he, and he alone would approve any and all leave. I approached him one day and asked for time off to get married in a few months

He looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Denied. Son, if we would have wanted you to have a wife, we would have issued you one!"

thedrifter
11-06-02, 08:02 AM
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

The doctor continued, "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Brown's, now please, please help us."

"Well, alright," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios."

thedrifter
11-06-02, 08:05 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911106.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021106.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021106.gif

thedrifter
11-06-02, 08:07 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021106.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021106.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021106.gif

wrbones
11-06-02, 11:06 AM
The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
BLONDE woman in a revealing negligee.


She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they
went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes,
ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a
dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar! "

The BLONDE then said, "The breakfast was my idea"

wrbones
11-06-02, 11:07 AM
THE SUPREME COURT RULED THERE CANNOT BE A NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON, DC
THIS CHRISTMAS. THIS ISN'T FOR ANY RELIGIOUS OR CONSTITUTIONAL REASON, THEY
SIMPLY HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN IN THE NATIONS
CAPITOL.

THERE WAS NO PROBLEM HOWEVER FINDING ENOUGH ASSES TO FILL THE STABLE.

wrbones
11-06-02, 11:09 AM
Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them to
help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and
said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated
that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted
to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and
said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire
and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why
are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons
and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked,
"What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well,
according to this, I can go horseback
riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
An explorer in the Amazon suddenly found himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he said quietly
to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,
"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet
and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to beat
the chief up. He stood above the lifeless
body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives
with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

wrbones
11-06-02, 11:11 AM
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated
area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big
strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car
and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy
didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He
asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name
three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he
was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

wrbones
11-06-02, 11:12 AM
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up
in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is
full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to
do to empty the hole. Ma says,"Why don't you go ask the
youngun down the road???. He must be smart because he is a college
graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbors.He asks him " Mr. College
graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't
know what to do to empty it."

The youngun tells him, " Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one
with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under
the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in
the air. The second one will then go off and spread the poop all
across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will
then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty
hole for the outhouse."

Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the
hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He
lights them and then runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the
outhouse!! BOOM!! Off goes the first stick of dynamite and
shoots the outhouse in the air. BOOM!!
Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all
across the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down on the
hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are
you alright??!!"

As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't
fart in the kitchen."

thedrifter
11-07-02, 07:14 AM
(LIBERALS)




A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal
Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were
liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but
wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy
fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along
with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.

The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed & red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a
conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom,
instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of
my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a
conservative Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad
were both morons? What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."

thedrifter
11-07-02, 07:15 AM
Best patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:"You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

But, the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable.

thedrifter
11-07-02, 07:16 AM
http://www.insanepictures.com/pictures/0630.jpg

thedrifter
11-07-02, 07:18 AM
http://www.insanepictures.com/pictures/0603.jpg




http://www.insanepictures.com/pictures/0470.gif

Barrio_rat
11-07-02, 11:45 AM
You've heard the old saying; "While the cat's away the mice will play"

Have you ever wondered what the cat does when you're away?

Barrio_rat
11-07-02, 11:50 AM
They mess with the remote and drink all of our beer!

lakers
11-07-02, 04:31 PM
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

__________________

lakers
11-07-02, 04:46 PM
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.:

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.:

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.:

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.:

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?":

lakers
11-07-02, 04:52 PM
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You jerk!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

lakers
11-07-02, 05:45 PM
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor".

His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!

thedrifter
11-07-02, 06:20 PM
http://www.cartoons4fun.com/cool/aliceshiners.jpg



http://www.cartoons4fun.com/cool/hellfreezes.jpg


http://www.cartoons4fun.com/cool/spayed.jpg

thedrifter
11-08-02, 07:06 AM
In the spirit of the James Bond Season....

007--Bond, James Bond

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to
a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his

watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running

late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch.
I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special

about
it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing
panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

thedrifter
11-08-02, 07:08 AM
IRS Genie



A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His
camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a
genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID
badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He
has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust
an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and it
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food
and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"


After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no
matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

lakers
11-08-02, 10:08 AM
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=798&id=1

__________________

lakers
11-08-02, 10:19 AM
Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office.

Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line:

I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God Bless AMERICA. Thank you

leroy8541
11-08-02, 08:33 PM
After his completion of enlisting into the Marine Corp the first marine was ordered to report to his ship. He reported in to the captain of the ship, not knowing exactly what a Marine was the captain told him to go sit at the fantail of the ship. A few hours go by , then another man joins the marine on the fantail. He says to the first marine, man this is a mess, no one knows whats going on. The first marine replies, you think this is bad you should have been in the OLD CORPS.

lakers
11-08-02, 09:51 PM
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - That finally did it."

lakers
11-08-02, 10:37 PM
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.

The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.

With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.

"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing" replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."