Chuckles of the Day...

[wrbones]

John had a massive heart attack and died.
His body was delivered to the mortuary.

He had been wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit at the time of his demise,
so he really looked wonderful, considering
the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral
home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about
what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the
man looked really nice in the black suit he
was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked
his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in
a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's
continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
ceremony.

The woman came back the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge
for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice ... "









"So I switched the heads."



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[wrbones]

Poem for Computer Users Over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity;
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-in. Floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife;
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Author unknown-



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[thedrifter]

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."


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Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"

"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother.

" Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

[thedrifter]

Why Coffee is Better than Women - Part I

1.You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5.You can always warm coffee up.

6.Coffee comes with endless refills.

7.Coffee is cheaper.

8.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 am.

9.Coffee never runs out.

10.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11.You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13.You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15.Coffee smells and tastes good.

16.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18.You can always get fresh coffee.

19.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

20.They sell coffee at police stations.

21.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22.Coffee goes down easier.

[thedrifter]

Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet's office today because it bit my mother-in-law."

The other guy asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"

"No, of course not," said the first guy. "I had its teeth sharpened."


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Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. The guy is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

[thedrifter]

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"


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I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

[thedrifter]

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[lakers]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could f*ck, he could fly."

[USMC0311]

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog

[thedrifter]

Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

[thedrifter]

A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man?"

President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"


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"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: "To copulate he finds interns."

[thedrifter]

George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

[thedrifter]

The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen." The lady replied.

"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

[thedrifter]

One evening, an American walks into a bar in Sydney. He grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the center of six coins.

The American announces, "My name is Bill - Buffalo Bill."

Immediately, a Russian jumps up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous d**ks hanging down.

The Russian announces, "My name, also, is Bill - Chern O. Bill."

[thedrifter]

Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.

A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"

[thedrifter]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

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[lakers]

Ladies Restroom So typical of a man......not to listen!

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a
look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her
terms.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were
identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button
labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them?

He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed
the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice
feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air
replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his
underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped,
and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender
loving pleasure!

He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed
what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was
staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the
ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a
grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."

[Barrio_rat]

These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get it"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's come from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorce.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Hope ya liked 'em. I'd also like y'all to remember that the holidays are coming and you should be careful of your partying - KNOW YOUR LIMIT!

[thedrifter]

An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a ***** house and knocked on the door. When the madam answered, he said, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and said, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the madam asked. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" asked the madam. "No, but me want woman. Me got money," replied the Indian.

The madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey - You go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the *****house and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman. Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2 x 4 and smacked her on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed. The Indian replied, "Me check for bees."

[thedrifter]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[thedrifter]

Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.

After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."

[thedrifter]

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

[thedrifter]

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[Barrio_rat]

Is this how they hunt in Minnesota?

[Barrio_rat]

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' halfbrother."
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You cain't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' halfbrother."
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

[Barrio_rat]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p.ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" The teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psssst!' and it didn't move."

________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later. "Daaa-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

_______________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom say it's a b.tch to iron."

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said," Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b.tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b.tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b.tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh.t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

[thedrifter]

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor.

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating in it.

Astonished and shocked, he turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.

"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a small package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and place on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.

A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"

[thedrifter]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on television?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why is it called SEX?
A: Because it's easier to spell than, "Uhhhhh - Oooohh - Ahhhhhh - AIIEEEEEEE!"

Q: What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra?
A: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

[thedrifter]

One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[thedrifter]

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door. Your wife is barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Well, it's your call, but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

[thedrifter]

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks him what is wrong.

"Well," replied the groom, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ****ed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[thedrifter]

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed the ham in a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

[thedrifter]

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decided to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So," the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

[thedrifter]

While traveling through the Deep South, a salesperson stopped at an inn for a meal. When he was through, he asked to use the bathroom. The proprietor pointed to an outhouse in the back.

After taking a decent-sized dump, the man found, to his chagrin, that there was no toilet paper. Instead, there was a small hole in the wall, a slot, and a sign. The sign read, "Insert twenty-five cents and your dirty finger will be cleaned with the greatest care, warmth and attention."

Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his finger to clean his butt, plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger in the hole. Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the other side with a pair of bricks. When the finger came through, the lad smashed it between the bricks!

Howling with pain, the man put his finger in his mouth . . .

[thedrifter]

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[Sparrowhawk]

Friday, October 11, 2002





The menu at the Coffee Garden at 900 East and 900 South in Salt Lake City has included a scrumptious selection of quiche for about 10 years.

The recipe calls for four fresh eggs for each quiche.
A Salt Lake County Health Department inspector paid a visit recently and pointed out that research by the Food and Drug Administration indicates that one in four eggs carries salmonella bacterium, so restaurants should never use more than three eggs when preparing quiche.

The manager on duty wondered aloud if simply throwing out three eggs from each dozen and using the remaining nine in four-egg-quiches would serve the same purpose.

The inspector wasn't sure, but she said she would research it.

[Barrio_rat]

Please award this medal to deserving individuals as you see fit. It is the PITA (Pain In The Ass) Medal.

[thedrifter]

Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ****ed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[thedrifter]

In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

[thedrifter]

One gloomy afternoon, it was raining strongly when the door bell rings. The husband opens the door and finds his mother-in-law outside on the porch, her clothes completely wet.

The guy says, "Mother-in-law, what are you doing outside in this weather? Go home!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys, ran into each other on a street corner one day. The first guy says, "I just got back from a real pleasure trip."

The second guy asks, "Where did you go?"

The first guy answered, "I took my mother-in-law to the airport!"

[thedrifter]

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen." Mad as hell, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[thedrifter]

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[Kegler300]

A Panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the Panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for a Panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, caracterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[thedrifter]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[thedrifter]

Excerpts from Barbara Walter's latest Monica Lewinsky interview:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming."

"I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head on. I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

[thedrifter]

A handsome American Army captain, assigned to the American Embassy's military attache office in London, was shopping in Harrod's during his lunch hour and got the hungries.

He went to the cafeteria, loaded a tray, and the only available space was at a table occupied by a gorgeous gal. He asked the gal if he could share the table with her, which is the accepted procedure in jolly old England. She nodded. He sat down and they began a conversation.

They were smitten with each other and one thing led to another until he ended up in her flat for a little horizontal recreation. Both enjoyed it immensely.

He had to go back to work and didn't see her again until a couple weeks later when he met her on the street near his Embassy. "Hello, Pamela," he said.

She gave him a drop dead look. He was crestfallen. "Pamela," he said. "Don't you remember me? Remember lunch in Harrod's? Remember the wonderful time we had at your flat?"

She remained unmoved and said haughtily, "Since when did intercourse constitute a formal introduction?"

[thedrifter]

My best friend married a doctor several years ago. After being married for about three years, my friend's husband said to his wife, "You need to do something to spice up our love-making."

Shortly thereafter, he came home and found his wife in bed with another man who also happened to be a doctor.

"But, why?" asked her hubby.

"You said that I needed to do something to spice up our love-making," she replied. "I just wanted to get a second opinion."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

[thedrifter]

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do.

The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember three things. First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words: "Aisle, altar, hymn."



(I'll alter him)

[thedrifter]

The Night Before X-mas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.
He cussed at the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money.

And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible - Those mean little ****s.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls - Their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this
Try holding those brats, with their pants full of ****.

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird.

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job - There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde . . . I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Love,
St. Nick

[thedrifter]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."

The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."

Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters. So he devised a test to tell for certain, how often someone has had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "Then, what the heck are you so happy about?"

The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"

[thedrifter]

One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[thedrifter]

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door. Your wife is barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Well, it's your call, but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

[thedrifter]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochi cooh?" Asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie. But the bar, you know, the frozen glass . . ."

He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.

The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey, at the bar, you know - the swearing, the dirty words and all that." said the husband.

His wife replied, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Okay. Here. Drink your f***ing beer in your f***ing frozen glass, and eat your f***ing hors d'oeuvres, because you're not going anywhere you f***ing a**hole!"

[NamNuts]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort in Negril.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in a jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Wheeling, West Virginia and I worked both sides of the river."

[fabboss]

Worst Wife

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing, and it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names is pretty cool, but ... who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied, "My wife's Indian name translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Sam asked, "OK, but what does it(Three-Old-Horses) mean?"

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said, "Nag, Nag, Nag."


:banana:

[House Mouse]

http://ebay1.ipixmedia.com/abc/M28/_EBAY_13637aa5033a5b0910a9aa8bc0c98f21/i-1_B.JPG

[Barrio_rat]

Cover the kid's eyes... They're comin' to a neighborhood near you!

[thedrifter]

An 80-year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80-year-old man, I'm married, I have four children and eleven grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 19-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession. I'm not Catholic."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Hell Father, I'm telling everyone!"

[thedrifter]

In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

[thedrifter]

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher at a wedding. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked her.

"Certainly not," she snapped. "I'm the groom's mother."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

[thedrifter]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021021.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ca/2002/ca021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes021021.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021021.gif

[thedrifter]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super
Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch
as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you
going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees. "Watch
and
learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the
train.

The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three
Southerners cram
into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please. "The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and
save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't
buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Yankee. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the
Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which
the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says,
"Ticket please."

(And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!)

[wrbones]

When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher
and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.

Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving."

[wrbones]

> > Subject: FW: The Pope visits Texas
> >
> > On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary
> to
> > visit the Texas coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4
> > "Popemobile"was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was
> an
> > enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see
> what it
> > was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a
> hapless
> > man wearing a Texas Longhorn's football jersey,
> > struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot
> shark.
> >
> > At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Oklahoma
> Sooners
> > football jerseys roared into view from around the point.
> Immediately, one of
> > the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs,
> immobilizing it
> > instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Texas man from
> the
> > water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They
> bundled the
> > bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark
> and then
> > prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from
> the
> > shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they
> reached
> > shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you
> > my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is some
> bitter
> > hatredbetween the people of Texas and Oklahoma, but now I can see
> with my
> > own eyes
> > this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened
> example
> > of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states
> could
> > follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
> >
> > As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
> "That," one
> > answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with
> God and
> > has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner replied,
> "he
> > don't
> > know nothing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do
> we need
> >
> > to get another one?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
>

[wrbones]

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[wrbones]

SATAN

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do.":

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."




__________________________________________________ __

[wrbones]

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her
daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about
two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is
pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit
looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to
me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would
show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant."

[wrbones]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few
suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest
suggests,"Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,'
and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says,"Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping
your knee and saying 'No ****! What happened next?'"




----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

[wrbones]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted
husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled
by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain,
and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as
much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know
I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you
dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

[wrbones]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their
decision
> to get married.
> They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a
> drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the
man
> behind
> the counter: "Are you the owner?"
> The pharmacist answers "Yes."
> Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
> Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
> Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> Pharmacist: "Of course."
> Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
> Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
> Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register
> our wedding gift list with them!!" >

[wrbones]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a
little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer
from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and
then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with
me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask
him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and
have a drink with me?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
A little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes."

[wrbones]

BUMPER STICKERS
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an *******.
2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
3. The proctologist called, they found your head.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Hang up and drive.
9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. Don't! like my driving? Then quit watching me.
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
AND THE BEST ONE:
14. Welcome to America...Now speak English

[wrbones]

Dear Abby,
He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is
a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a
lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of
his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it
all.
Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has
been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. Just
because I am a lesbian he chooses to ignore me at home. I don't know what to
do.
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you
don't need him anymore.

[wrbones]

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband laughs sarcastically and asks, "What did he say about your
55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[wrbones]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul

it home."


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and

decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for

$599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a

telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and

says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've

bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our

pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then

adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After

thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her

the word "comfortable."


The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know

that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive

out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the

word,'comfortable?'"


The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll

read it slow.


("com-for-da-bul")

[wrbones]

One day, four young Marine warriors turn up outside the pearly
gates. St Peter explained that before they could pass they must answer one
simple question.

Up walked the first guy. St Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"
The 1st warrior answers: "3"
"NO" said St Peter, "5" "NO" said St Peter "4"
"Yes; in you go."

Up comes the second warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
He answered, "The square root of 16."
Very impressed St Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's greater than 2."
"Yes"
"But less than 6"
' Yes"
"It's greater than 3"
"Yes"
"But less than 5"
"Yes"
"It's 4" "Well done, in you go"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St Peter asked
him, "What's 2+2?"
"5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges
past St Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St Peter, "What was all that
about?" St Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on
earth, and those four men were all officers who have been killed."
"How can you tell?" inquires the angel.
"The first guy was a engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but
he kept hammering away until he got through."
"The second guy was an aviator, who gave me more information than I really required."
"The third guy was an artilleryman, who was uncomfortable with any firm
answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."
"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and
then tore through the gates anyway."
Ahh" said St Peter, "That was the infantry - dumber than dirt, but you've
gotta just love 'em."

[wrbones]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[wrbones]

Subject: The Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They only know how to say,
"Hi, We're hookers. Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and
worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings
her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are
holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female
parrots
in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hookers,
want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male
parrot and says, "Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been
answered."

[wrbones]

There was a party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about ten minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after another. All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window!
The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeeekkkkkkk!! Look at my window!!!!! There's an old Indian guys face there!" (Was this a ghost!?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

The passenger rolled his window part way down and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco."

"Well, offer him a cigarette. HURRY!!!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with a pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?' The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then, all of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old Indian man again.

"Aaaaaaaa, there he is again," the passenger yells. "Well,see what he wants now," yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT."

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there is more knocking!

"Oh my G~d! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

An Act Of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

[thedrifter]

Four nuns in a convent wanted to watch the television.

The first nun said that she wanted to watch the Indy 500.

The second nun wanted to watch that sexy Stone Cold Steve Austin wrestle on WWF.

The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so that she could learn to knit some mittens for the upcoming winter.

The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel about how a baby is born.

After some discussion, they all decided to flip channels every two seconds so they could all watch all of the programs.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In ... Out ... In ... Out ... and yes, the baby is born!

[thedrifter]

Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton has given up the Saxophone. Instead he's learning how to play the *****-Monica.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite toy?
A: An Erector Set.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite California city?
A: Scent o' Monica.

[thedrifter]

During the 1960's, when the draft law could induct most young men into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not.

One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign that read: "Better two years than life."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How is being in the army like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

[thedrifter]

My best friend married a doctor several years ago. After being married for about three years, my friend's husband said to his wife, "You need to do something to spice up our love-making."

Shortly thereafter, he came home and found his wife in bed with another man who also happened to be a doctor.

"But, why?" asked her hubby.

"You said that I needed to do something to spice up our love-making," she replied. "I just wanted to get a second opinion."

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021022.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021022.gif

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

[thedrifter]

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor.

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating in