Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

An ORDER of Spaghetti



A doctor was HAVING an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today FROM Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will EXPLAIN it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

[thedrifter]

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say


1. Uh-oh...

2. Oh S***!

3. What the heck?!?

4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)

5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.

6. Wow!! Look at this...

7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.

8. Terminated?!?

9. What software license?!?

10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...

11. Wow...that seemed fast...

12. I got a better job at Lockheed...

13. Management says...

14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.

15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?

16. It didn't do that a minute ago...

17. Where's the GUI on this thing?

18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...

19. Where's the DIR command?

20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.

21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.

22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?

23. Do you smell something?

24. What's that grinding sound?

25. I have never seen it do THAT before...

26. I don't think it should be doing that...

27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...

28. You might as well all go home early today...

29. My leave starts tomorrow.

30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)

31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...

32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"

33. Hmmm, curious...

34. Well, MY files were backed up.

35. What do you mean you needed that directory?

36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!

37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?

38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.

39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?

40. We're standardizing on AIX.

41. Wonder what THIS command does?

42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)

[thedrifter]

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex


When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[thedrifter]

Irish Bank Robbery



Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

[Phantom Blooper]

A vampire in bat form came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other vampires smelled the blood and began to hassle him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they kept at it until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said. He changed back into a bat and flew out of the cave with hundreds of other vampires as bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other vampires excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the others all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first vampire, "Because I DIDN'T!" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

FOX News is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title.


In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's
hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French were as follows:

(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap

The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone...
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2001. Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP). Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW). All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate. If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). The Corps takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our Marines receive. We have given our people more S.H.I.T. than any other service. If any Marine feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE S.H.I.T. YOU CAN STAND.

[Phantom Blooper]

Memo to all Marines:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from Marines, it wl be our policy to keep all Marines well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our Marines more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your SNCO. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our SNCO are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Marines who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since all SNCO's took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For Marines who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The DIRECTOR UNDER the MAIN BUREAU of SUPER HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
The (D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.).
:marine:

[Sgted]

Excellent Advertisement !!

[Sgted]

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacations homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me
living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President
Bush's defeat in the next election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat
is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go. I just thought you and your readers would like to know how
one senior citizen views the Bush Administration

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein

[cknow]

July 29, 2004
Worth Republishing..........
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since
congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are
some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
worlds nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or
maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal
now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to
Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables,
too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many
UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid
parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You
creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned
over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to
try not ****ing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President
Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions
sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty ---starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying, "darn
tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and
we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
English, thank a soldier.

GWB

Posted by jthunter at 05:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack




Hope you all enjoy

[thedrifter]

Sex and the Law


Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Maybe it looks different backwards?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

[thedrifter]

Employee Sport Preferences

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

[thedrifter]

Consultants


A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.

"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

[thedrifter]

Drowning In A Pickup



There were two brunettes in the front of a truck, and three blonds in the back. They rolled off a cliff into the ocean. The brunettes survived, but the blonds died. Why?

They couldn't get the tailgate open.

[thedrifter]

Celebrating Their 35th

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

[thedrifter]

Lesson For An Autopsy Class

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners X


Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're ****ed.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

[thedrifter]

Snap!!! Snap!!!


I bloke walked into a bar with a crocodile on a lead. He walked up to the bar man and said:

"I'll have a beer please... and a black manfor the croc"
"Very well" said the Barman. He pulled the man his pint and went and got a dead black man from out the back. He threw it across the bar and the crocodile ate it.

The bloke went back up to the bar and the barman said:

"Same again?"

"Aye" said the man with the crocodile... and I'll have another ****** for the croc. Sure enough the bloke had his pint and the croc had his black man.

The bloke went back up to the bar. The barman said
"Same again Sir?"

"Aye" said the bloke..."and I'll have another black man for the crock."

"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't have any dead black man left," said the barman,"how about a pygmy?"

"No" said the bloke, "he doesn't drink shorts."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Painter


Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

I Wanna Get Weighed


John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[thedrifter]

Dress Of Love


An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

[thedrifter]

Jigsaw Puzzle



A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[thedrifter]

A Brief Affair

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

[thedrifter]

Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Auto Repair


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story, How did you fix it? He replies, " Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often will I have crap in the carburertor.?"

[thedrifter]

Christmas Gifts


A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[thedrifter]

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say

1. Uh-oh...

2. Oh S***!

3. What the heck?!?

4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)

5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.

6. Wow!! Look at this...

7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.

8. Terminated?!?

9. What software license?!?

10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...

11. Wow...that seemed fast...

12. I got a better job at Lockheed...

13. Management says...

14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.

15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?

16. It didn't do that a minute ago...

17. Where's the GUI on this thing?

18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...

19. Where's the DIR command?

20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.

21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.

22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?

23. Do you smell something?

24. What's that grinding sound?

25. I have never seen it do THAT before...

26. I don't think it should be doing that...

27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...

28. You might as well all go home early today...

29. My leave starts tomorrow.

30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)

31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...

32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"

33. Hmmm, curious...

34. Well, MY files were backed up.

35. What do you mean you needed that directory?

36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!

37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?

38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.

39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?

40. We're standardizing on AIX.

41. Wonder what THIS command does?

42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)

[thedrifter]

Accident


There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[thedrifter]

Jesus Saves


Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

[Phantom Blooper]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.







She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress

upon her that she must remain there.



I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"





The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde,gave me a strange look and said."Why don't you just put it in park?"









:banana:

[thedrifter]

How To Be Really Annoying


Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ

Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.

When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as

"Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.

[thedrifter]

Stupid Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

[thedrifter]

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane


1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts


1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

8. So what's the speed of dark?

9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?

44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[thedrifter]

Expressions For High Stress Days


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of ****ing sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a ****ing people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet !

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un**** you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic ***** just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like ****. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, ****ing cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!

76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

[thedrifter]

Hippie and the Nun


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

[thedrifter]

God's Handles

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[thedrifter]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

[thedrifter]

A Novel Approach to Saving Money


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

[thomas bruce]

A grasshopper walks in the door, hops up onto the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender brings him the beer and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Bob?"

[thedrifter]

63 Ways To **** Off A Cop


63 Ways To **** Off A Cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

[thedrifter]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life


1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

Hunting For Sex

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hespotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.


He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[thedrifter]

Hunting and Talking


Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a ****, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."

"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."

[thedrifter]

Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[thedrifter]

Diary Of A Deer Hunter

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

[thedrifter]

See Tracks, Follow Tracks, BAM!!!



There was 3 guys stranded in the mountains and they weren't going to be rescued for 3 days. So they all made a plan that each night one would get the food. So the first night the 1st guy goes out and comes back with a big deer. So the guy who was huntin tomorrow ask for advice on how to catch another one, and the guy said see tracks, follow tracks, BAM!! shot the deer... So the next night the 2nd guy went out and came back with an even bigger deer than the 1st guys, and the 3rd guy was amazed so he asked how he could catch one like that for the next night. And the guy told him see tracks, follow tracks, BAM!! shot the deer... The next night the 3rd guy went out to get a deer and comes back hours later all beat up and bloody, so the the other 2 guys ask what happen. And the guy said i seen tracks, followed tracks, BAM!! got hit by train.

[thedrifter]

Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[thedrifter]

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm!!



The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it cannot be considered coincidence.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Both were shot in the presence of their wives. The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.

Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.

[thedrifter]

Great Loss


George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

[thedrifter]

Dirtiest Company


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Phantom Blooper]

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman

MORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An old farmer had a horrible mother-in-law who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his mother-in-law brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[thedrifter]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

Feel Like A Woman

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

[thedrifter]

Airline Safety


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Passenger


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

[thedrifter]

You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...


... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

[thedrifter]

Elk Hunting

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

[thedrifter]

Two Bear Hunters


Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

[thedrifter]

Square Balls?


A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

http://www.johnnysjokes.com/web/jokes/display.php/469/topic/32/1


Ellie

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Finally Wins


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer One Liners


Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A ****ing know-it-all.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.

Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Charity


The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Ficticious Characters


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

[Phantom Blooper]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her
husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The
Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's 5 pounds. Go and buy yourself some nickers."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary,
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into
his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 2 pounds. Go and buy
yourself some undies!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus,
'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

-The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

-The trees are whistling for the dogs.

-The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-You can make sun tea instantly.

-You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

-The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

-You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

-You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

-You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

-You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at

7:30 a.m.

-Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

-You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

-Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

-The cows are giving evaporated milk.


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Doctor and the Bee


One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[thedrifter]

Big Boss Man


When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

[thedrifter]

Headache


A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

[thedrifter]

True Confessions Of A Golfer


A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

[thedrifter]

Mother Nature


There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

[thedrifter]

Definitely Too Much Sun


This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[thedrifter]

The Fishing Groom

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

[thedrifter]

Take The Bait


It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[thedrifter]

A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[thedrifter]

Not My Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at meand started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he startedwriting a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

[thedrifter]

Fido Will Find It


Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.

Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.

The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

[airframesguru]

Originally posted by thedrifter
The Fishing Groom

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"


Ellie,

You took my best joke. My respect for now has grown beyond words.

Keep'm coming.

Mike

[Phantom Blooper]

I just love these acronyms that have developed
from 'puter use, like BTW for "by the way" and LOL for
"laughing out loud," ROTFLMAO fo"rolling on the floor laughing my a** off," So, I sent a FYI Message to someone today!


What he thought was: "For Your Information."

What I meant was: "F*ck You, Idiot!"



:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the
next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!!




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Cinderella is now 95 years old, and alas, she is a widow.

After a fulfilling life with the now - dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon , out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......................

BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME

[Phantom Blooper]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same
kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
color and flavor.

The children began:

"Red - cherry,"
"Yellow - lemon,"
"Green - lime,"
"Orange - orange."

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After
eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the
taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My
God!!!! They're a$$holes!!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Pres Bush, Ralph Nader and Senator Kerry went on a fishing trip to the South Seas Islands. While there, they got lost and were found by a tribe of head hunters, who had a guillotine.

The Chief demand they be executed. President Bush volunteered to go first. As the blade came down, it stopped midway! The Chief said "Our gods favor you. You may go in peace."

Then Ralph Nader stood up. Once again, the guillotine stopped mid way. The Chief also let him go to please the gods.
About that time, Senator Kerry is laughing uncontrollably. The Chief demanded to know why he thought this was so funny.

Senator Kerry replied "If you guys would oil that thing it would work!"



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19.How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer :banana:

[thedrifter]

An Ounce Of Brains


A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

[thedrifter]

Do You Know Me?



At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[thedrifter]

Outrun The Bear


Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

[thedrifter]

Beautiful?


There was a lawyer and he was just waking up FROM anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said What happened to 'beautiful?? His reply was The drugs are wearing off!

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Finally Wins


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Charity



The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Ficticious Characters


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

[thedrifter]

Still A Virgin

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

[thedrifter]

Email Mistakes

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

[thedrifter]

The Programmer and the Engineer


A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Super Computer Physician


A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

[thedrifter]

50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

[thedrifter]

Dirtiest Company


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[thedrifter]

A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[thedrifter]

Preacher's Horse Racing Exploits


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[thedrifter]

Hunting For Sex



Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hespotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.


He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[thedrifter]

Two Nudes

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time." The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."

[thedrifter]

Horse And Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[thedrifter]

An Atheist


An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

[thedrifter]

Talking Dog For Sale


This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a ****ing liar."

[thedrifter]

Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[thedrifter]

Shooting The Bull


Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Phantom Blooper]

"Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night
Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee.



They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.


The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,"These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"



















:banana:

[thedrifter]

Language Problem


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

[thedrifter]

French Patient


Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered," The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded," The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

[thedrifter]

Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

[thedrifter]

Christmas Italian Style


Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

[thedrifter]

The Mexican

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

[thedrifter]

Green, Pink and Yellow


A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

[thedrifter]

You Gotta Use The Righta Tools For The Job


An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

[thedrifter]

Iraq One Liners


Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

[thedrifter]

The American, The Asain, And The Canadian


There are 3 people standing on the top off a cliff, on american one asain and one canadian. They are told to throw off the item that appears most in their country. So the american says "Ah, that's to easy, I'll go first" so the american walks up to the cliff and throws off some drugs. The candian and the asain clap and say good job to the american. The american steps back and the asain goes next. He takes some rice and throws it of the cliff and says, "Too much rice, make me sick" The other two clap and the asain steps back and the canadian stepped forward. He thinks for quite a while and finnally decides. He picked um some beer and looked as if he was goin to throw it off but then he said, "Wait" and he chugged down the beer turned around grabbed the asain and threw him off the cliff and said, "Get the **** out of my country"

[thedrifter]

American Technology



A GROUP of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology FROM their countries.

'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks."

"That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday."

"That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an ******* FROM Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"

[Ed Palmer]

Form US-0982-3322-J-66A
United States Department of Health and Human Services
Sexual Competency Test
Intended for rednecks in rural, backwood areas or mountain dwellers

Score 2 points for each correct answer.
Score 1 point for each partially correct answer
Score 0 points for each incorrect answer
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You may check both TRUE and FALSE if you
believe both answers are correct.



You may check neither box if you believe
neither answer is correct.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRUE FALSE 1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
TRUE FALSE 2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
TRUE FALSE 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
TRUE FALSE 4. Vagina is a medical term for "Heart Attack".
TRUE FALSE 5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
TRUE FALSE 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
TRUE FALSE 7. Semen is a term for sailors.
TRUE FALSE 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
TRUE FALSE 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
TRUE FALSE 10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
TRUE FALSE 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
TRUE FALSE 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
TRUE FALSE 13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
TRUE FALSE 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
TRUE FALSE 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
TRUE FALSE 16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
TRUE FALSE 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
TRUE FALSE 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
TRUE FALSE 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
TRUE FALSE 20. Douche is the French word for 'twelve.'
TRUE FALSE 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
TRUE FALSE 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
TRUE FALSE 23. Pornography is the business of making records.
TRUE FALSE 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
TRUE FALSE 25. An erection is when Japanese people vote.



Scoring answers: 1. False, 2. False, 3. False, 4. False, 5. False, 6. False,
7. False, 8. False, 9. False, 10. False, 11. False, 12. False, 13. False,
14. False, 15. False, 16. False, 17. False, 18. False, 19. Both True and False are correct,
20. False, 21. False, 22. False, 23. False, 24. False, 25. False

15 or more correct answers is EXCELLENT
You have a well-rounded knowledge of sexual issues and are able to
understand and appreciate humorous innuendos on TV.

8 to 14 correct answers is AVERAGE
If female, you may be fooled by preditory males seeking release,
and are probably already a mother, or currently pregnant.
If male, you may have already fathered a number of children,
but are still able get busy on Saturday night, although you are
at high risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

0 to 7 correct answers is IGNORANT
You operate in a world of heresay and misinformation about
sexual issues and probably do not know where babies
come from. It is advised that you keep your clothes on at all
times when in the company of the opposite sex to avoid
pregnancy and disease.

[Ed Palmer]

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

[Ed Palmer]

You may be a Redneck if.....


You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

[Ed Palmer]

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building.
There was a durn good reason for the move. You can't post: Thou Shalt Not Steal Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of Lawyers and Politicians. It just don't make sense.

[Ed Palmer]

We Ain't Dumb Down South - Yankee Test

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.


We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:



1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.



2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.



3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?



4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. -- --

How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?



5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?



6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?



7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?



8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?




9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?



10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

O.K. -- all you smarties answer up!

[Ed Palmer]

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Virginia's Rocky Mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy,"

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife,Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One dayafter her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.

[Ed Palmer]

APPLICATION for Alabama citizenship

Personal Information:
Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle_____

Yore Muma________Yore Diddy (if known)_______

Spouse's Name_________ Relationship to spouse: ___Sister____Brother ____Mother ____Father ___Pet___Aunt ___Uncle

Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic___Gun Show Dealer ___Skinhead

Number of Children in Household___ Number of children that are yours___

Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4

How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road?:
___1mi. __5 mi.?

Number of Times You Survived a Tornader: ___

Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks____

Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___PitBull ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker

Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun

Number of Dogs Owned: ___ Number of Homemade Tattoos: ___

Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard?: ___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer How Many of the Above Appliances Work?: ___

Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin ___Crawdad Huntin ___Spittin Backy___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin

If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer?:
___Soap Opera Digest ___ Rifle and Shotgun ___NWO ___TV Guide ___National Enquirer___True Confessions ___Soldier of Fortune __Mini Trucker

Which Stinks Warse?: ___Hogpen___Outhouse ___Spouse

Can You Spell Your Last Name?:___Yup___Nope

Can You Remember Your Last Name?:___Yup ___Nope

Ever Stayed Sober for More'n a Day?:___Yup ___Nope

Do You Know Any Words with More'n 4 Letters?: ___Yup ___Nope

Which is Correct?: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"

How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day?
___

Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy ___Prostitute

Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis ___Elvis in a UFO

Health Questionaire: Which of the Following Do You Have? ___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs___Runny Nose ___Boils

Can You Remember the Last Time You Done Bathed?
___Yup ___Nope

Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown___Black ___N/A

I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________19___

__________________________________________________ _

[Ed Palmer]

CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[Ed Palmer]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Arkansas 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[thedrifter]

25 Signs that You’re Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and
isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

[thedrifter]

Fighting With the Devil

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got
up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where
sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight
with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by
her side said, "It's not all my fault either;
she's tough to get along with."

[thedrifter]

How Was Your Day?
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"

[thedrifter]

Honey, Please!
A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was
rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after
careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size
for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size
for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time
and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring
sadly at the floor.

"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears.
"My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen!"

[thedrifter]

Would You Remarry?
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We
all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live
in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess
she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"
the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's
going to last along time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house
and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

[thedrifter]

Missing Persons
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked
for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark
wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken,
and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied,
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[thedrifter]

Intense Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

[thedrifter]

Phone's for you........
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult-
I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know
how she is.

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she
was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you
begged me not to marry her.

"You were perfectly right.

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

[thedrifter]

Meeting the Family
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancð”to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. He invites the fiancð”to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancÒû

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar." the father says" Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as
she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as
she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father." How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancÒû

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the fiancð”insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks "So? How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good
news is, he thinks I'm God."

[Sgted]

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot,
Funeral services are pending.........

[thedrifter]

A Returned Favor From Warsaw


This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations



Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

[thedrifter]

Canada Aids the US Against Iraq


It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.

However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.

[thedrifter]

Diagnosis


"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

[thedrifter]

Overexposure


One private asked another: "How did you manage to get arrested by MPs, Mac?"

"Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that if the sergeant sees me he may think I was just visiting the head."

"So what?"

"Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a bus without any clothes on."

[thedrifter]

Ignorance Is No Disgrace


The little brother of an Army radar operator asked: "Jim, tell me how does a radar work?"

"The radar transmitter emits brief impulses of electromagnetic waves which are reflected from the target and received by a special receiver. Since the speed at which electromagnetic waves propagate is exactly known and the time they take to travel to the target and back can be determined with a great degree of accuracy it is possible to determine the range to the target as well as the direction to it."

His brother pondered a moment, then said: "As long as you don't know, Jim, why don't you just say so?"

[thedrifter]

Poetry Contest


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[thedrifter]

New To The Country


A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.

The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, "Sure, what do you need?"

The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

[thedrifter]

Stupid Wives


John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.

"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"

That one nearly slayed 'em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"

[thedrifter]

Jesus And The Redneck


An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

[yellowwing]

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright in a sweat and recount the whole event to their partner.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrap-book of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch- enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from the force.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

[andimgrant]

I loved this and later learned it was a rumor. Still, it is hilarious USMC humor....

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You've gotta love the Marines


OKAY, SO WHAT if it's not true? It's great!

[thedrifter]

The Test Mark


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[thedrifter]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thedrifter]

Translation for Little Boy

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You *****!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "****!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "****!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you *****es and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the **** off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey!"

[thedrifter]

Lil' Johnny on Politics


Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

[thedrifter]

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
*******ed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[thedrifter]

Postcards from Honeymoon

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[thedrifter]

Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

[thedrifter]

Vaseline


A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[thedrifter]

Johnny's Birthday


"Happy 6th Birthday, Johnny!" a banner said that was hanging in Johnny's living room. "Yay me!" he thought. Then he went to his mom, who was about to get in the shower. "Mommy, can I take a shower with you? It is my birthday." "Well, ok. But don't look up or down." she replied. In the shower, Johnny looked down. "Mommy, what's that?" "That's...um...my bush." Then he looked up. "Mommy, what are those?" "Those are...um...my flashlights." "ok." Then later on, his dad was about to get in the shower. "Daddy, can I shower with you? It is my birthday." "I guess so but only today. And don't look down." he answered. In the shower, Johnny looked down. "Daddy, what's that?" "That is my...um...snake." "Oh, I have one too!" "Yeah, that's right." his dad answered. That night, Johnny asked his parents: "Can I sleep with you tonight? It is my birthday and there's a monster under my bed." "Well...only tonight because it's your birthday." his dad answered. "And don't look under the covers, ok Johnny?" "Ok." So they got into bed, and Johnny looked under the covers. Suddenly, he yelled "Mommy! Quick, turn on your flashlights! Daddy's snake is going through your bushes!"

[thedrifter]

Iron Phone

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-***** called back."

[thedrifter]

Pround Blonde Student


A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Finally Wins



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

She Was So Blond...


...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius."

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners


Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?

Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!

Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.

Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.

Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.

Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.

Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!

Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.

Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.

Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.

Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.

Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!

Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.

Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.

Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

Q: Whats an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.

Q: What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet?
A: The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion.

Q: Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising?
A: It swelled up!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!

Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.

Q: Did you hear how the Blonde Hockey Team drowned?
A: Spring Training.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase?
A: A branch manager

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I dont know, and neither does she.

Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown.

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's..."

Q: What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker?
A: A fluezy with an Uzi.

Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes?
A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.

Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call five blondes laying on a beach
A: A public access.

Q: What is a blonde's mating call?
A: I'm SO DRUNK!

Q: What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: Supermarket trolleys have a mind of their own.

Q: What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, honey.

Q: Why don't blondes ever eat pickles?
A: Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear with a hose at the end?
A: An air compressor.

Q: What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear.
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!

Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: "It's Okay daddy, I'm alright"

Q: What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What would a blonde say if you asked her what the score was?
A: 24 to 28, tie.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Q: What's a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.

[thedrifter]

Didn't Know



A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead where setting together at a coffee shop. They all decide to go through their daughter's purses. The Brunette goes first. "I cant belive I found a pack of cigerettes in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she smoked." The redhead says, " I can't belive I found boose in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she drank." Finally the blonde says," I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she had a penis!"

[thedrifter]

Jigsaw Puzzle


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[thedrifter]

Bigger Means Dumber


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. Asthe boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told herson, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Bar


A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[thedrifter]

Firm THIS Up


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[thedrifter]

Getting Out of A Ticket


A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[thedrifter]

Reality In Marriage


This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...". He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE **** DOWN - DRINK YOUR ****IN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ****IN' MUG - EAT YOUR ****IN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE ****IN' BAR !!! GOT IT, ******* ?!?!"

[thedrifter]

Attitudes

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

[Ed Palmer]

"Remember 1957?"
I know some of you are not old enough to
remember, but believe it or not,
the following were some comments made in the year
1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep
going the way they are, its
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries
for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next
year? It won't be long when
$5,000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm
going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking
about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have
thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off
leaving the car in the
garage."

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail
hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will
be wearing their hair as
long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any
more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With
The Wind", it seems every
new movie has either hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist
thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They
even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just
signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday that
they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our
kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric
typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.
I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are
going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both
work."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going
to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day
when the Government takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if
we are electing the best
people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in
nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

(18) "I guess taking a vacation is out of the
question now days. It costs
nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more,
$35.00 a day in the hospital is
too rich for my blood."

[Phantom Blooper]

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb(fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A Southerner is having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam,
when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him. The
Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole
slice?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat
what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle it, then
transform them into biscuits and send them down
South!

The Northerner has a smirk on his face.

The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (Cracking and smacking his gum and chuckling) "We don't. Up
North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and then, send it down South."

Then the Southerner asks, "Y'all have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And, he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use tem?"

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: "We don't. Down South, we put 'em in a jar, melt 'em down into
bubble gum, and sell 'em to Yankees."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Bill, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

Bill says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

:banana:

[drillinstructor]

Originally posted by thedrifter
One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

Sempers,

Roger

haha this is a good one

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a sheriff looking for a new deputy, and a Redneck went in to apply for the job. "OK," said the sheriff, "What is 1+1?" The redneck thought for a minute, and finally said, "11."The sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter T?" The redneck said, "That's easy, Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff said, "Now the last question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The redneck thought really hard, and at last said, "I don't know." The sheriff smiled and said, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that." So the redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went.

The redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"


:banana:

[Sgted]

Why Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't need to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt, and you might even know an ohm from a volt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[thedrifter]

Big Boss Man


When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

[thedrifter]

Headache


A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

[thedrifter]

A Serious Medical Condition


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[thedrifter]

New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes


"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[thedrifter]

Super Computer Physician


A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

[thedrifter]

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller



"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case



"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger



"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres



"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen



"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett



"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown



"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart



"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone



"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson



"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry



"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien



"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum



"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson



"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy



"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown



"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner



"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld



"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman


"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno



"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin



"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld



"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

--????

[thedrifter]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

[Phantom Blooper]

A recent study found out which days men prefer to
have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".

Examples of those days are as follows:

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world.....

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walk about ten paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"




"Land mines'" said the women

[Phantom Blooper]

Well, it's sh*t...that's right, sh*t!
Sh*t may just be the most functional
word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get sh*t-faced,
Be sh*t out of luck,
or have sh*t for brains.

With a little effort,
you can get your sh*t together,
Find a place for your sh*t, Or
be asked to **** or get off the pot.

You can smoke ****,buy ****,sell sh*t,lose sh*t,find sh*t,forget sh*t and tell others to eat sh*t.

Some people know their sh*t, while
others can't tell the difference
between Sh*t and Shineola.

There are lucky sh*ts,
dumb sh*ts,
crazy sh*ts,
There is bull sh*t,
horse sh*t and
chicken sh*t.

You can throw sh*t,
sling sh*t,
catch sh*t,
shoot the sh*t,
or duck when the sh*t hits the fan.

You can give a sh*t or
serve sh*t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep sh*t
or be happier than a pig in sh*t.

Some days are colder than sh*t,
some days are hotter than sh*t,
and some days are just plain sh*tty.

Some music sounds like sh*t
things can look like sh*t,
and there are times when you feel like sh*t.

You can have too much sh*t,
not enough sh*t,
the rightsh*t,
the wrong sh*t or
a lot of weird sh*t.

You can carry sh*t,
have a mountain of sh*t, or find
yourself up sh*t creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh*t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh*t and come out smelling like a rose.When you stop to consider all the facts,it's the basic building block of the English language.




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Missed a few,huh?LOL

[thedrifter]

MAFIA Valetine Card Verses

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

[thedrifter]

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden.
(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.
Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

[thedrifter]

Office X-mas Party!

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The ***** from Hell!

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

[thedrifter]

Pregnancy Advice...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

[thedrifter]

Preparing for Santa...

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

[thedrifter]

The Honeymoon Begins.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[thedrifter]

Naughty Night Before Christmas


Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa ****head, whoa *******, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a spatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a *****.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and ****ed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A **** ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****, So I'll leave 'em here. and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph. This night's been a *****!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

[thedrifter]

Triplets

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

My very first time!
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)

[thedrifter]

Create a Hallmark Moment!

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

[thedrifter]

1970 and year 2000.

Isn't this the truth!...

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends

[thedrifter]

I\'d Love To But...(Pt III)

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

... I have to go to court for kitty littering." ... I have to jog my memory." ... I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar." ... I have to rotate my crops." ... I have to sit up with a sick ant." ... I have to stay home and see if I snore." ... I have to study for a blood test." ... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner." ... I prefer to remain an enigma." ... I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here)." ... I'm going to be old someday." ... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush." ... I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me." ... I'm having my baby shoes bronzed." ... I'm trying to cut down." ... I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup." ... I've been traded to Cincinnati." ... My Dress For Obscurity class meets then." ... my favorite commercial is on TV." ... My uncle escaped... again." ... Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat."

[thedrifter]

I'd Love To But...(Pt IV)
Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again!
(unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
... I feel a song coming on.
... I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
... I have to bleach my hare.
... I have too much guilt.
... I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...
... I never go out on days that end in "Y."
... I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
... I'm having all my plants neutered.
... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
... I'm too old for that stuff.
... I'm too young for that stuff.
... I'm touring China with a wok band.
... I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
... My bathroom tiles need grouting.
... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
... My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

[thedrifter]

I'd Love To But...(Pt II)
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

...I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
...I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
...I have to floss my pets...
...I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
...I want to spend more time with my blender.
...I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
...I'm building a pig from a kit.
...I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
...I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
...I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
...I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
...I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
...I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
...I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
...I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
...It's my parakeet's bowling night.
...My patent is pending.
...The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

[thedrifter]

I'd Love To But...

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
... I have to fluff my shower cap.
... I have to fulfill my potential.
... I left my body in my other clothes.
... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
... I'll be looking for a parking space.
... I'm being deported.
... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
... I'm sandblasting my oven.
... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
... I'm worried about my vertical hold.
... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
... it's too close to the turn of the century.
... my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
... my plot to take over the world is thickening.
... my subconscious says no.
... none of my socks match.
... the grunion are running.
... the last time I went, I never came back.
... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

[Sgted]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!"! said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip board on to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[thedrifter]

Ghost? You Decide!

You need to have the sound on.

Before you watch the movie, read the instructions below...

This is a car advert from somewhere. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist.

The ad was never put on TV because the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits.

Watch it and about halfway look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road... Spooky!

click link then click the button to start video
http://www.stokeyouth.co.uk/coffee.html

[thedrifter]

Doing The Dishes

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I'LL DO THE ****ING DISHES!!"

[thedrifter]

Love Making


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[thedrifter]

Shot as a Fetus

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!"

[thedrifter]

Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)


If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

[thedrifter]

Mailman's last day

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But
what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him.
Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[thedrifter]

Who Died the Worst Death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

[thedrifter]

Big Farts

One day, Bob asked a beautiful girl out. Her name was Tammy. He
asked her if she wanted to go to the drive-in movie. She said
"sure". Bob was really excited, so when he got home he told his
Mom and asked her if she could make him a can of beans. Bob was
in so much of a rush that he gulped down the beans, got changed,
had a shower, an hour before he had to go pick her up.

Anyway, he finally left to go pick her up. She got in the car
and away they went. They started watching the movie and Bob all
of a sudden had a terrible cramp and he needed to fart. "****!"
he said to himself. "I need to fart but I can't because I'm with
a beautiful girl and, and, oh ****!"

He thought that he could just wait until the intermission to go
to the washroom. Finally it was intermission and he asked Tammy
if she would like some pop and popcorn. She said sure.

He got to the washroom, opened the door and saw a big line up.
"****!" he said. I guess I'll wait until the end of the movie.
He went back to the car and covered his stomach.

Finally, it was the end of the movie. He said to Tammy that
he'll be right back, he has just got to go to the washroom. He
got there, opened the door and there was still a big line up.
"Damn! I guess I'll wait until after I drop her off."

So they're driving home and Bob's intestines are about to
explode. They pulled up in Tammy's driveway and Tammy said, "Oh!
My Grandparents are here, come in and say hello."

Bob thinks to himself, "Damn! I need to fart but I have to go
in." So he said "Okay". They are all sitting down at the dinner
table and Bob is about to explode. He says to himself, "I've
really got to fart so I'll just let a little bit go at a time."
Meanwhile the dog, Duke, is sitting right beside him. "Bllllght!"

Tammy's father said "Duke!" and sat back down.

"Oh my God! They think it's the dog!"

"Bllllght!"

Again Tammy's father stands up and says "Duke!"

Finally, Bob lets it go really big, it's the biggest fart you've
ever heard. "Blllhhhttgggghtttttttbang!"

Tammy's father stands up and shouts "Duke! Get the hell out of
there before he ****s on ya!"

[thedrifter]

Jackass


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!

[thedrifter]

The New Priest


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[thedrifter]

Courtroom Gaffes


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

[thedrifter]

Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[thedrifter]

20 Responses to Telemarketers


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

[thedrifter]

My son's more successful than yours.


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[thedrifter]

An Adult Pig Story


A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex
with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the
horn."

[thedrifter]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[thedrifter]

Affairs


First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
************************************************** ***************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
************************************************** ***************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[thedrifter]

Who Died the Worst Death?


Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

[Phantom Blooper]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Okay, we'd like to use this store as our
Bridal Registry.

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went
to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is
an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to
challenge the thought.
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too
much, we wear rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old church ladies!

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well ...,if something happens to me ...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."


:)

[thedrifter]

Satan's souls

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan
and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.
Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've
been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[thedrifter]

God is Missing


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny Gets Promoted


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he
replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the
third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him
to the principals office and explained the situation to the
principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if
he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the
first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every
question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour
he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the
third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The
principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the
principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny
says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny:
"Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of
excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny
in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

[thedrifter]

US Naval Communications


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[thedrifter]

Different Views from Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The
President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations."

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to
left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS
ON THAT *****!"

[thedrifter]

Signs...


Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[thedrifter]

19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom


1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

[thedrifter]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[thedrifter]

Scared the Taxi Driver!


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a
little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years!"

[thedrifter]

20 Responses to Telemarketers


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

[thedrifter]

Vaseline

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[Phantom Blooper]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I
consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

[GunnyL]

Bear Drinks 36 Beers and Passes Out

Wed Aug 18,10:39 PM ET


BAKER LAKE, Wash. - Rain-eeeeer .... Bear? When state Fish and Wildlife agents recently found a black bear passed out on the lawn of Baker Lake Resort, there were some clues scattered nearby — dozens of empty cans of Rainier Beer.



The bear apparently got into campers' coolers and used his claws and teeth to puncture the cans. And not just any cans.


"He drank the Rainier and wouldn't drink the Busch beer," said Lisa Broxson, bookkeeper at the campground and cabins resort east of Mount Baker.


Fish and Wildlife enforcement Sgt. Bill Heinck said the bear did try one can of Busch, but ignored the rest.


"He didn't like that (Busch) and consumed, as near as we can tell, about 36 cans of Rainier."


A wildlife agent tried to chase the bear from the campground but the animal just climbed a tree to sleep it off for another four hours. Agents finally herded the bear away, but it returned the next morning.


Agents then used a large, humane trap to capture it for relocation, baiting the trap with the usual: doughnuts, honey and, in this case, two open cans of Rainier. That did the trick.


"This is a new one on me," Heinck said. "I've known them to get into cans, but nothing like this. And it definitely had a preference."

[Phantom Blooper]

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went...
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me? "
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that? "
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ......




:banana:

[thedrifter]

US Naval Communications


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[thedrifter]

Life Reflections by George Carlin


1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.

11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

[thedrifter]

What ****ed me off?


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[thedrifter]

Dog vs. Leopard at Safari


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an
Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[thedrifter]

McDonalds Job Application


This is an actual job application!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an
offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

[thedrifter]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're
in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of
Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[thedrifter]

The Ditcher


As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of
26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather
peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but
his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and
was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked
at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord
smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"