Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

The Cost Of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

[thedrifter]

Father and Son

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

[thedrifter]

Legless Frog


Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

[thedrifter]

Top 100 Indications That You Are From South Jersey

100. You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality.

99. When it snows more than an inch, you call it a blizzard.

98. Your neighbor's house was forclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.

97. You know someone named Siprasiut Xayapachan.

96. You've actually found the Echelon Mall.

95. Your uncle is in the mafia.

94. You have Lyme Disease.

93. You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

92. You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.

91. You think a mountain is any landform taller than your house.

90. You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.

89. You stay away from Getty and BP, and stick with Mobil and Gulf.

88. You know what a "shoe-bie" is and can pick one out at the beach.

87. One time you were driving in the woods and got stuck in sand.

86. You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up.

85. You live next to an inpenetrable swamp.

84. You go to Delaware to buy smokes.

83. Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Berlin Farmers Market for cheap stuff.

82. Your neighborhood demonstrates co-existence ofAfrican-Americans and racist rednecks.

81. To you, "gravel" means orange dirt.

80. You love hockey, and have been to a Flyers or Devils game.

79. You know that you should get the hell out of Camden beforedark.

78. You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.

77. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April ann May.

76. You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.

75. You can smell and know when it's low tide.

74. F-16s buzz your house at like 150 feet.

73. You remember the bad gypsy moth years.

72. The Eagles/Giants rivalry has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

71. You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V.

70. You get excited when you see Chopper 6, and you can hum the Action News song.

69. You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

68. Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.

67. You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.

66. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

65. You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball.

64. You live in Cape May, but you still won't take the ferry because it's too expensive and crowded.

63. You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey.

62. You've hung out at a gravel pit.

61. You worked at a blueberry farm when you were 13.

60. You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school.

59. You've counted the number of titty bars on the Black HorsePike.

58. You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.

57. You've run out of money on the Parkway.

56. You know what "cedar water" is.

55. Your middle school hangout was the mall.

54. You have an unusable, piece-of-**** boat in your front yard.

53. You once skipped school and went to Wildwood.

52. You're Italian.

51. You know where to get the best bagel.

50. You've called someone an "*******" to their face at the Philly airport.

49. Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.

48. You say "water" weird.

47. You have pine trees, holly trees, and mountain laurel in your yard.

46. You had a sandbox.

45. Even your school made good Italian subs.

44. You've almost fallen asleep on the Expressway.

43. You've rented a house in Stone Harbor before.

42. You've lived through hurricanes,nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

41. You can point to the two closest nuclear plants.

40. You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

39. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

38. You packed up the family on a Sunday and went to Cowtown Rodeo.

37. You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.

36. You once shot a whiporwhill on a summer night at 3 A.M.

35. You take day trips to New York City.

34. The mafia runs half the businesses in your town.

33. You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

32. In the woods behind your house, you can find couches, washing machines, and shoes.

31. You don't have to go to red lobster to get fresh seafood.

30. You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

29. You know how to pronouce "Buena" on Route 40.

28. You've made a meal out of Tastycakes, Herr's BBQ potatochips, and Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer.

27. You know the Atlantic City High School marching band can lay down some phat beats.

26. You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in South Jersey if the 76ers and the Nets didn't blow."

25. You watch Evening Magazine.

24. You remember when Rowan was Glassboro State and TCNJ was Trenton State.

23. You remember Channel 48, Boss 97, Eagle 106, and Harvey in the Morning.

22. You know New Years is all about the Mummers and the Polar Bearclub.

21. You smoke Parliament Lights.

20. You go to the local Fire Department barbeque in June.

19. Down the road, in the middle of nowhere, is an Egyptian restaurant and a custard stand with a minature golf course.

18. You know what custard is in South Jersey.

17. You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)

16. In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

15. Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night.

14. Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have "ye", "olde", and "colonial" in their names.

13. One time, a sea gull **** all over your head.

12. You talk to the guy at the dump.

11. You once said, "It smells like Philadelphia in here."

10. You've waited for the ******* drawbridge for more than ten minutes

9. You even swam in the ocean after the hypodermic needle scare.

8. Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.

7. You know it can be 70 degrees in January.

6. There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

5. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.

4. Somewhere along the line, someone was really screwed you over in a business transaction.

3. You often use variations of the word "****" while driving.

2. You will always say "YO", and you'll say it often.

1. You don't take any **** from anybody.

[thedrifter]

Leftover Gifts



Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

[thedrifter]

Dick or Lick?


There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and harry.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.

He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist.

Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.

Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having despatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realised that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).

The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!

Pleseed with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

[thedrifter]

Elk Hunting


Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

[yellowwing]

True Story

My wife had a nasty scrape on her elbow one day. So I applied neosporin and a large band-aid. Of course I had to "kiss it better."

My wife then said, "Wouldn't that be great if kissing it better actually worked!"

I replied, "That would be great! I could cure millions of women of breast cancer!" :)

Without missing a beat she replies, "Yeah, then you could move on to curing hemmoroids a prostrate cancer!" :(

[Osotogary]

Don't feel bad, yellowwing. This evening it was "suggested" that I really ought to clean the swimming pool because I hadn't in a week. When I clean it I usually get into the pool and vacuum from within. No problem, right? Wrong! She asked me to clean the pool during a severe thunder and lightning storm!! I wonder if she was trying to tell me something?

[thedrifter]

The Y2K Song


Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
- Author Unknown

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite by then
It all will go away.
It all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

[key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

[thedrifter]

Y2K Toilet Paper




WARNING!!

Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! If it isn't, on January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!


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[thedrifter]

K2K




(As if there have not been enough cheeseball spoofs, fears, or concerns, here should be our last blast at the previous rollover...)

Well....

Happk New Kear!!!

Apparentlk, mk computer was K2K readk. Fortunatelk, I experienced no difficultk.

Hope Kours is working properlk........

[thedrifter]

And You Didn't Think?




A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

[thedrifter]

You Know You're a Mom When ...


You Know You're a Mom When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and
eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews
his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your
child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband
in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.



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[thedrifter]

You Might Be A School Teacher If ...


1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free".

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like playtime for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"


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[thedrifter]

Young Love


One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more..."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

[thedrifter]

The Young Witness


A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so! Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."

[thedrifter]

Young Writer




A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?", he asked.

"I don't know.", she replied, "I can't read."

[thedrifter]

You're in Trouble!


It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home and rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

[thedrifter]

You're Late!


The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he l et them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


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[Sgted]

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and missing those great old tunes.

Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP?"

Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"*

And my favorite .... Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Passenger


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

[thedrifter]

Mousey Tale


Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and **** the cat."

[thedrifter]

Polish Sausage


A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[thedrifter]

If Operating Systems Were Beers


DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[thedrifter]

A$$ "Emoticons"


(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass

(_13_) An unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_!_) A regular "nice" ass

(__!__) A large ass

(!) A tight ass

(_._) A flat ass

(_^_) A bubbly ass

(_*_) A sore ass

(_!__) A lop-sided ass

{_!_} A squishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_O_) And more....

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) "Get off my ass"

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_o^o_) A wise ass

(_13_) An unlucky ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

[thedrifter]

Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[thedrifter]

Rejected Hallmark Greetings


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

[thedrifter]

Golf Injury



A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[thedrifter]

You're Lost Between the Baby Boom and Gen-X If .....




1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in
the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with
the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the
Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play
Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really
was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the
cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age...
You know, back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually
learned the English language.

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a
Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during
either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace"

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit
the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie
could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the
movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat,
Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something
which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a United Colors of Benetton.

22. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go
to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

23. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.

24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

25. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch
from the first scene.

26. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General
Hospital.

27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided
it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

28. You know who shot JR.

29. Loves Baby Soft was in every girls' Christmas stocking.

30. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.

32. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

33. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309
to see if Jenny would answer.

35. "All skate, change directions," means something to you.

36. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history
class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.

38. You owned a preppy handbook.

39. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to
settle for second hand reports.

40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still
carry the emotional scars to this day.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick-sized
packages of Bazooka gum.

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

45. VCRs cost $2,000.

46. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You remember rotary dial telephones.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal
commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking
a Coke.

49. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to
you on occasion (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)

50. "Members Only" Jackets ... say no more.

[thedrifter]

You're Not Old Unless .....


You're not old UNLESS you can remember .....

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

When there were two types of sneakers for boys.

When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Your Tax Dollars at Work




(Now I don't know how accurate these are, but sadly, knowing how our government works, none of them seem out of realm of possibility.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I have just finished reading the 14 volume US Budget, agreed upon Friday, October 16th by the House and Senate Committees, and approved by the White House.

These items approved in the Budget received no recognition by the politicians taking TV bows, and congratulating each other, on camera:

$240,000 grant for development of a two-headed Stethoscope.

$615,000 for renovation of a skating rink in Plattsburg, NY.

$26,500 grant for improving the packaging of fly paper.

$112,350 for brass polish for Marine Corps band servicing the White House.

$84,425 printing allocation for posters to commemorate Bernard W. Trencher, the first settler of Muskegon Heights, MI.

$7,200,000 refund of a fine paid by Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, in connection with their admission of dumping bunker oil at sea, off the Florida coast.

$1,200,000 special allocation to the Dept. of Agriculture to commence a feasibility study of commercial applications of peach seeds.

$836,000 travel and expense allocation for the Ormond Group to conduct a Leprosy Mission to India.

$520,000 grant to Tufts University to develop a program of retraining, and healing of injuries related to ballet performers.

$4,850,000 grant to Booz, Allen & Hamilton, Inc. to study the possibility of setting up a central Email system for rural Post Offices.

$770,000 grant to the College of the Pacific to study the effects of the 1994 devaluation of the Mexican peso, and it's effect on the US ball bearing industry.

$2,075,000 to establish The Skateboard Hall of Fame in Palo Alto, CA.

$425,000 special allocation to the Smithsonian to purchase the baseball hit by Babe Ruth as his 60th home run.

$3,000,000 allocation to the District of Columbia to promote a Miss District of Columbia Pageant in year 2000.

$6,700,000 grant awarded to Medi-Care First Corp. to study the feasibility of reusable elastic stockings.

$5,325,000 allocation to the National Institute of Health to study alcohol consumption on college campuses.

$12,600 to replace the waffle irons in the Congressional dining room.

[thedrifter]

Zippers


A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

[thedrifter]

Zookeeper's Dilemma




A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."

No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners XXXVII


Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

[thedrifter]

God Comprehends Lawn Maintenance


GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar FROM the long lastingblossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to seea vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and REPLACE them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them INTO great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something whichthey call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for ustonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole plot FROM St. Francis.

[thedrifter]

Smartest Hair Color



Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out.

The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners XVII


Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and peanut butter?
A: Peanut butter is a pleasure tho spread on bread and a blonde spreads for pleasure on a bed.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Charity



The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Lock The Safe


Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

[thedrifter]

Back Seat Necking


The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"Nope", he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, ?Now do you want to get in the back seat??

"No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

[thedrifter]

No Dogs Allowed


A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[thedrifter]

Funny Military Quotes

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.




...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were waging war against the United States. The U. S. Army had its hands full. The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read:
"Have gone to Florida to fight Indians.
Will be back when War is over.

A. Henderson
Col. Commandant"


The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb

[thedrifter]

War is... Famous Military Quotes

War is... Famous Military Quotes

"A man-of-war is the best ambassador." -Oliver Cromwell

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"A war put off is not a war avoided." - Charlton Heston

"All warfare is based on deception." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"In space, all warriors are cold warriors." - ChangFamous Military quotes

"In war there is no substitute for victory." - Douglas MacArthur

"It is war that shapes peace, and armament that shapes war." -Fuller

"It is good that war is so terrible, else we should become accustomed to it." - Robert E. Lee

"Make deals, not war." - Swindle

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones - Albert Einstein

Fighters are our salvation, But BOMBERS alone provide us with the means of VICTORY! - Winston Curchill

The moral difference between a soldier and a civilian is that the soldier accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic of which he is a member. The civilian does not. - Robert Heinlein

"Moderation in war is imbecility." Admiral John Fisher

"Patriotism...is the egg from which wars are hatched." -de Maupassant

"Peace is an extension of war by political means." - Heinlein

"The fear of war is worse than war itself." -Seneca

"There'll always be another war." -- Frank Burns

"There's only one truth about war: people die." - Sheridan

"This means war!" "I thought it meant touchdown?" - Animaniacs

"This was a great war until you guys showed up."-Burns, to Trap & Hawk

"To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war." -Napoleon

"WAR : We Are Right" - Chief Elder, Pangaea

"War and whiskey don't mix." -- General Steele

"War is a matter of vital importance to the state." -Sun Tzu

"War is an organized bore." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

"War is nothing but a duel on a larger scale." -Clausewitz

"War is peace." - George Orwell's 1984

"War is the playground of the ignorant." -- Highbrow

"War is the science of destruction." -Abbott

"We have War when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants Peace." -- Jeane J. Kirkpatrick

"War is the usual condition of Europe." -Kropotkin

"War is...a trinity of violence, chance, and reason." -Clausewitz

"War isn't a good life, but it's life." - Kirk

"War would end if the dead could return." - Stanley Baldwin

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! --Shakespeare.

In love there are two evils: war and peace. - Horace, 65-8BC

In time of war the laws are silent. - Cicero

How is it possible to have a civil war? - George Carlin

Remember the cold war? How pre-millennial!
Remember when a trojan was a warrior?
Stop trying to bring the war in under budget. - BJ to Maj. Burns

The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 'Maj Mark Cancian

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. - John Stuart Mill ~ (1868)

[thedrifter]

Irish Gas Attendant


Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"

[thedrifter]

Caught From Above



A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

[thedrifter]

The Mini-Noggin'


One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man, "How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?"

The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said "how about a little head then?"

[thedrifter]

The Massacre


All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving.They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance,to see what the future held.The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.What did you see, asked the Chief? I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us.If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this Venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most. As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong" it was a HAM BUSH.

[thedrifter]

Computers vs. Auto Industry


Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds:

"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"

[thedrifter]

Dating Vs Marriage


When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[thedrifter]

Case For The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[thedrifter]

Blonde And Her Job Interview


A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

[thedrifter]

Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil


The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...

[thedrifter]

The New Preist and His Mistakes


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[thedrifter]

Breathe In Breathe Out


There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Hobbies Of Darth Vader

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls

9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"

8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits

7) Genealogy

6) Using the force to learn to juggle

5) Mortal Kombat 5436

4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship

3) Late nights with a pain droid

2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma

1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

[thedrifter]

Blonde Painter


Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

Scared Straight...For Math


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[thedrifter]

Bad Name


There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.

This other blonde drives by and sees this blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot. So she stops her car gets out and yells, "IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!"

[thedrifter]

A Serious Medical Condition


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[thedrifter]

Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[thedrifter]

Chinese Torture


A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He
was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[thedrifter]

Who Is Better


These two guys go to a *****house. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

[thedrifter]

CPI (Common Programming Instructions)


Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory

[thedrifter]

10 Things To Say When Called To The Office


1. "I'm gonna kill her"
2. "****, They found the body"
3. "Where's my lawyer?"
4. "He's still alive?"
5. "They've got nothing on me"
6. "I thought I got rid of the evidence"
7. "I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed"
8. "****"
9. "I didn't do it"
10. "Can they convict me on heresay?"

[thedrifter]

Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic


Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

"I'd rather be his ***** than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!

[thedrifter]

Biker In Hell


Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Jets f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

[thedrifter]

Football Lingo


A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he ****s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Passenger


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

[thedrifter]

Sex Therapist


A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

[thedrifter]

A Lesson In Life


I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, shewants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: "Always keep your condoms in your car..."

[nc.gal]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors----green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said,"What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied,"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[thedrifter]

Anti-chain Letter


Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky-here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!". What a bunch of bull****.

So basically, this message is a big **** YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by the Romans in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't **** people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

[thedrifter]

Cross-eyes Rotweiler

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

[thedrifter]

Butt Crack

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

[thedrifter]

Scared Straight...For Math


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[thedrifter]

Twas the Night Before Implementation

Twas the night before implementation
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

The engineers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The customers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in their heads.

When out of the COPE [unk acronym] there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update! On Add! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary and APPEND, thus all had gone well.

The job was finished, the test were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included.
"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

[thedrifter]

ToothBrush


The ToothBrush had to be invented in Kentucky because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethBrush.

[thedrifter]

Deer Tracks


Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsmen, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

Programmers' Wisdom

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

[thedrifter]

Johnny Urinates


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[thedrifter]

Hammer Heads

Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.

"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"

"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."

"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."

[thedrifter]

God's