Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

The Cost Of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

[thedrifter]

Father and Son

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

[thedrifter]

Legless Frog


Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

[thedrifter]

Top 100 Indications That You Are From South Jersey

100. You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality.

99. When it snows more than an inch, you call it a blizzard.

98. Your neighbor's house was forclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.

97. You know someone named Siprasiut Xayapachan.

96. You've actually found the Echelon Mall.

95. Your uncle is in the mafia.

94. You have Lyme Disease.

93. You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

92. You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.

91. You think a mountain is any landform taller than your house.

90. You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.

89. You stay away from Getty and BP, and stick with Mobil and Gulf.

88. You know what a "shoe-bie" is and can pick one out at the beach.

87. One time you were driving in the woods and got stuck in sand.

86. You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up.

85. You live next to an inpenetrable swamp.

84. You go to Delaware to buy smokes.

83. Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Berlin Farmers Market for cheap stuff.

82. Your neighborhood demonstrates co-existence ofAfrican-Americans and racist rednecks.

81. To you, "gravel" means orange dirt.

80. You love hockey, and have been to a Flyers or Devils game.

79. You know that you should get the hell out of Camden beforedark.

78. You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.

77. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April ann May.

76. You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.

75. You can smell and know when it's low tide.

74. F-16s buzz your house at like 150 feet.

73. You remember the bad gypsy moth years.

72. The Eagles/Giants rivalry has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

71. You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V.

70. You get excited when you see Chopper 6, and you can hum the Action News song.

69. You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

68. Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.

67. You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.

66. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

65. You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball.

64. You live in Cape May, but you still won't take the ferry because it's too expensive and crowded.

63. You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey.

62. You've hung out at a gravel pit.

61. You worked at a blueberry farm when you were 13.

60. You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school.

59. You've counted the number of titty bars on the Black HorsePike.

58. You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.

57. You've run out of money on the Parkway.

56. You know what "cedar water" is.

55. Your middle school hangout was the mall.

54. You have an unusable, piece-of-**** boat in your front yard.

53. You once skipped school and went to Wildwood.

52. You're Italian.

51. You know where to get the best bagel.

50. You've called someone an "*******" to their face at the Philly airport.

49. Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.

48. You say "water" weird.

47. You have pine trees, holly trees, and mountain laurel in your yard.

46. You had a sandbox.

45. Even your school made good Italian subs.

44. You've almost fallen asleep on the Expressway.

43. You've rented a house in Stone Harbor before.

42. You've lived through hurricanes,nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

41. You can point to the two closest nuclear plants.

40. You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

39. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

38. You packed up the family on a Sunday and went to Cowtown Rodeo.

37. You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.

36. You once shot a whiporwhill on a summer night at 3 A.M.

35. You take day trips to New York City.

34. The mafia runs half the businesses in your town.

33. You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

32. In the woods behind your house, you can find couches, washing machines, and shoes.

31. You don't have to go to red lobster to get fresh seafood.

30. You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

29. You know how to pronouce "Buena" on Route 40.

28. You've made a meal out of Tastycakes, Herr's BBQ potatochips, and Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer.

27. You know the Atlantic City High School marching band can lay down some phat beats.

26. You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in South Jersey if the 76ers and the Nets didn't blow."

25. You watch Evening Magazine.

24. You remember when Rowan was Glassboro State and TCNJ was Trenton State.

23. You remember Channel 48, Boss 97, Eagle 106, and Harvey in the Morning.

22. You know New Years is all about the Mummers and the Polar Bearclub.

21. You smoke Parliament Lights.

20. You go to the local Fire Department barbeque in June.

19. Down the road, in the middle of nowhere, is an Egyptian restaurant and a custard stand with a minature golf course.

18. You know what custard is in South Jersey.

17. You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)

16. In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

15. Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night.

14. Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have "ye", "olde", and "colonial" in their names.

13. One time, a sea gull **** all over your head.

12. You talk to the guy at the dump.

11. You once said, "It smells like Philadelphia in here."

10. You've waited for the ******* drawbridge for more than ten minutes

9. You even swam in the ocean after the hypodermic needle scare.

8. Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.

7. You know it can be 70 degrees in January.

6. There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

5. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.

4. Somewhere along the line, someone was really screwed you over in a business transaction.

3. You often use variations of the word "****" while driving.

2. You will always say "YO", and you'll say it often.

1. You don't take any **** from anybody.

[thedrifter]

Leftover Gifts



Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

[thedrifter]

Dick or Lick?


There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and harry.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.

He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist.

Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.

Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having despatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realised that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).

The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!

Pleseed with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

[thedrifter]

Elk Hunting


Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

[yellowwing]

True Story

My wife had a nasty scrape on her elbow one day. So I applied neosporin and a large band-aid. Of course I had to "kiss it better."

My wife then said, "Wouldn't that be great if kissing it better actually worked!"

I replied, "That would be great! I could cure millions of women of breast cancer!" :)

Without missing a beat she replies, "Yeah, then you could move on to curing hemmoroids a prostrate cancer!" :(

[Osotogary]

Don't feel bad, yellowwing. This evening it was "suggested" that I really ought to clean the swimming pool because I hadn't in a week. When I clean it I usually get into the pool and vacuum from within. No problem, right? Wrong! She asked me to clean the pool during a severe thunder and lightning storm!! I wonder if she was trying to tell me something?

[thedrifter]

The Y2K Song


Two Digits for a Date
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
- Author Unknown

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite by then
It all will go away.
It all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

[key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

[thedrifter]

Y2K Toilet Paper




WARNING!!

Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! If it isn't, on January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

K2K




(As if there have not been enough cheeseball spoofs, fears, or concerns, here should be our last blast at the previous rollover...)

Well....

Happk New Kear!!!

Apparentlk, mk computer was K2K readk. Fortunatelk, I experienced no difficultk.

Hope Kours is working properlk........

[thedrifter]

And You Didn't Think?




A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

[thedrifter]

You Know You're a Mom When ...


You Know You're a Mom When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and
eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews
his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your
child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband
in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A School Teacher If ...


1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free".

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like playtime for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Young Love


One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more..."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

[thedrifter]

The Young Witness


A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so! Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."

[thedrifter]

Young Writer




A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?", he asked.

"I don't know.", she replied, "I can't read."

[thedrifter]

You're in Trouble!


It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home and rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

[thedrifter]

You're Late!


The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he l et them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Sgted]

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and missing those great old tunes.

Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP?"

Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"*

And my favorite .... Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Passenger


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

[thedrifter]

Mousey Tale


Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and **** the cat."

[thedrifter]

Polish Sausage


A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[thedrifter]

If Operating Systems Were Beers


DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[thedrifter]

A$$ "Emoticons"


(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass

(_13_) An unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_!_) A regular "nice" ass

(__!__) A large ass

(!) A tight ass

(_._) A flat ass

(_^_) A bubbly ass

(_*_) A sore ass

(_!__) A lop-sided ass

{_!_} A squishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_O_) And more....

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) "Get off my ass"

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_o^o_) A wise ass

(_13_) An unlucky ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

[thedrifter]

Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[thedrifter]

Rejected Hallmark Greetings


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

[thedrifter]

Golf Injury



A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[thedrifter]

You're Lost Between the Baby Boom and Gen-X If .....




1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in
the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with
the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the
Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play
Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really
was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the
cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age...
You know, back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually
learned the English language.

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a
Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during
either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace"

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit
the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie
could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the
movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat,
Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something
which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a United Colors of Benetton.

22. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go
to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

23. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.

24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

25. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch
from the first scene.

26. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General
Hospital.

27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided
it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

28. You know who shot JR.

29. Loves Baby Soft was in every girls' Christmas stocking.

30. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.

32. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

33. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309
to see if Jenny would answer.

35. "All skate, change directions," means something to you.

36. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history
class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.

38. You owned a preppy handbook.

39. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to
settle for second hand reports.

40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still
carry the emotional scars to this day.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick-sized
packages of Bazooka gum.

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

45. VCRs cost $2,000.

46. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You remember rotary dial telephones.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal
commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking
a Coke.

49. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to
you on occasion (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)

50. "Members Only" Jackets ... say no more.

[thedrifter]

You're Not Old Unless .....


You're not old UNLESS you can remember .....

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

When there were two types of sneakers for boys.

When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Your Tax Dollars at Work




(Now I don't know how accurate these are, but sadly, knowing how our government works, none of them seem out of realm of possibility.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I have just finished reading the 14 volume US Budget, agreed upon Friday, October 16th by the House and Senate Committees, and approved by the White House.

These items approved in the Budget received no recognition by the politicians taking TV bows, and congratulating each other, on camera:

$240,000 grant for development of a two-headed Stethoscope.

$615,000 for renovation of a skating rink in Plattsburg, NY.

$26,500 grant for improving the packaging of fly paper.

$112,350 for brass polish for Marine Corps band servicing the White House.

$84,425 printing allocation for posters to commemorate Bernard W. Trencher, the first settler of Muskegon Heights, MI.

$7,200,000 refund of a fine paid by Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines, in connection with their admission of dumping bunker oil at sea, off the Florida coast.

$1,200,000 special allocation to the Dept. of Agriculture to commence a feasibility study of commercial applications of peach seeds.

$836,000 travel and expense allocation for the Ormond Group to conduct a Leprosy Mission to India.

$520,000 grant to Tufts University to develop a program of retraining, and healing of injuries related to ballet performers.

$4,850,000 grant to Booz, Allen & Hamilton, Inc. to study the possibility of setting up a central Email system for rural Post Offices.

$770,000 grant to the College of the Pacific to study the effects of the 1994 devaluation of the Mexican peso, and it's effect on the US ball bearing industry.

$2,075,000 to establish The Skateboard Hall of Fame in Palo Alto, CA.

$425,000 special allocation to the Smithsonian to purchase the baseball hit by Babe Ruth as his 60th home run.

$3,000,000 allocation to the District of Columbia to promote a Miss District of Columbia Pageant in year 2000.

$6,700,000 grant awarded to Medi-Care First Corp. to study the feasibility of reusable elastic stockings.

$5,325,000 allocation to the National Institute of Health to study alcohol consumption on college campuses.

$12,600 to replace the waffle irons in the Congressional dining room.

[thedrifter]

Zippers


A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

[thedrifter]

Zookeeper's Dilemma




A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."

No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners XXXVII


Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

[thedrifter]

God Comprehends Lawn Maintenance


GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar FROM the long lastingblossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to seea vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and REPLACE them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them INTO great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something whichthey call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for ustonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole plot FROM St. Francis.

[thedrifter]

Smartest Hair Color



Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out.

The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners XVII


Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and peanut butter?
A: Peanut butter is a pleasure tho spread on bread and a blonde spreads for pleasure on a bed.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Charity



The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Lock The Safe


Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

[thedrifter]

Back Seat Necking


The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"Nope", he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, ?Now do you want to get in the back seat??

"No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

[thedrifter]

No Dogs Allowed


A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[thedrifter]

Funny Military Quotes

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.




...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were waging war against the United States. The U. S. Army had its hands full. The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read:
"Have gone to Florida to fight Indians.
Will be back when War is over.

A. Henderson
Col. Commandant"


The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
-Italian proverb

[thedrifter]

War is... Famous Military Quotes

War is... Famous Military Quotes

"A man-of-war is the best ambassador." -Oliver Cromwell

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"A war put off is not a war avoided." - Charlton Heston

"All warfare is based on deception." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"In space, all warriors are cold warriors." - ChangFamous Military quotes

"In war there is no substitute for victory." - Douglas MacArthur

"It is war that shapes peace, and armament that shapes war." -Fuller

"It is good that war is so terrible, else we should become accustomed to it." - Robert E. Lee

"Make deals, not war." - Swindle

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones - Albert Einstein

Fighters are our salvation, But BOMBERS alone provide us with the means of VICTORY! - Winston Curchill

The moral difference between a soldier and a civilian is that the soldier accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic of which he is a member. The civilian does not. - Robert Heinlein

"Moderation in war is imbecility." Admiral John Fisher

"Patriotism...is the egg from which wars are hatched." -de Maupassant

"Peace is an extension of war by political means." - Heinlein

"The fear of war is worse than war itself." -Seneca

"There'll always be another war." -- Frank Burns

"There's only one truth about war: people die." - Sheridan

"This means war!" "I thought it meant touchdown?" - Animaniacs

"This was a great war until you guys showed up."-Burns, to Trap & Hawk

"To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war." -Napoleon

"WAR : We Are Right" - Chief Elder, Pangaea

"War and whiskey don't mix." -- General Steele

"War is a matter of vital importance to the state." -Sun Tzu

"War is an organized bore." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

"War is nothing but a duel on a larger scale." -Clausewitz

"War is peace." - George Orwell's 1984

"War is the playground of the ignorant." -- Highbrow

"War is the science of destruction." -Abbott

"We have War when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants Peace." -- Jeane J. Kirkpatrick

"War is the usual condition of Europe." -Kropotkin

"War is...a trinity of violence, chance, and reason." -Clausewitz

"War isn't a good life, but it's life." - Kirk

"War would end if the dead could return." - Stanley Baldwin

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! --Shakespeare.

In love there are two evils: war and peace. - Horace, 65-8BC

In time of war the laws are silent. - Cicero

How is it possible to have a civil war? - George Carlin

Remember the cold war? How pre-millennial!
Remember when a trojan was a warrior?
Stop trying to bring the war in under budget. - BJ to Maj. Burns

The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 'Maj Mark Cancian

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. - John Stuart Mill ~ (1868)

[thedrifter]

Irish Gas Attendant


Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"

[thedrifter]

Caught From Above



A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

[thedrifter]

The Mini-Noggin'


One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man, "How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?"

The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said "how about a little head then?"

[thedrifter]

The Massacre


All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving.They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance,to see what the future held.The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.What did you see, asked the Chief? I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us.If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this Venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most. As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong" it was a HAM BUSH.

[thedrifter]

Computers vs. Auto Industry


Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds:

"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"

[thedrifter]

Dating Vs Marriage


When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[thedrifter]

Case For The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[thedrifter]

Blonde And Her Job Interview


A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

[thedrifter]

Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil


The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...

[thedrifter]

The New Preist and His Mistakes


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[thedrifter]

Breathe In Breathe Out


There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Hobbies Of Darth Vader

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls

9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"

8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits

7) Genealogy

6) Using the force to learn to juggle

5) Mortal Kombat 5436

4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship

3) Late nights with a pain droid

2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma

1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

[thedrifter]

Blonde Painter


Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

Scared Straight...For Math


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[thedrifter]

Bad Name


There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.

This other blonde drives by and sees this blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot. So she stops her car gets out and yells, "IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!"

[thedrifter]

A Serious Medical Condition


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[thedrifter]

Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[thedrifter]

Chinese Torture


A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He
was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[thedrifter]

Who Is Better


These two guys go to a *****house. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."

[thedrifter]

CPI (Common Programming Instructions)


Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory

[thedrifter]

10 Things To Say When Called To The Office


1. "I'm gonna kill her"
2. "****, They found the body"
3. "Where's my lawyer?"
4. "He's still alive?"
5. "They've got nothing on me"
6. "I thought I got rid of the evidence"
7. "I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed"
8. "****"
9. "I didn't do it"
10. "Can they convict me on heresay?"

[thedrifter]

Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic


Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

"I'd rather be his ***** than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!

[thedrifter]

Biker In Hell


Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Jets f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

[thedrifter]

Football Lingo


A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he ****s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Passenger


A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

[thedrifter]

Sex Therapist


A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

[thedrifter]

A Lesson In Life


I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, shewants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: "Always keep your condoms in your car..."

[nc.gal]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors----green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said,"What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied,"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[thedrifter]

Anti-chain Letter


Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky-here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!". What a bunch of bull****.

So basically, this message is a big **** YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by the Romans in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't **** people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

[thedrifter]

Cross-eyes Rotweiler

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

[thedrifter]

Butt Crack

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

[thedrifter]

Scared Straight...For Math


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[thedrifter]

Twas the Night Before Implementation

Twas the night before implementation
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

The engineers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The customers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in their heads.

When out of the COPE [unk acronym] there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update! On Add! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary and APPEND, thus all had gone well.

The job was finished, the test were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included.
"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

[thedrifter]

ToothBrush


The ToothBrush had to be invented in Kentucky because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethBrush.

[thedrifter]

Deer Tracks


Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsmen, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

Programmers' Wisdom

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

[thedrifter]

Johnny Urinates


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[thedrifter]

Hammer Heads

Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.

"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"

"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."

"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."

[thedrifter]

God's Handles

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[thedrifter]

You know you're having a bad day when

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

[nc.gal]

"THE OLD VETERAN" , by Jack Schrenker--------
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $8,000,and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving she says to the clerk,"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"."About 32" was the reply."I'm exactly 47" she says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl,"How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29".The woman replies,"Nope,I'm 47". Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street, asking everyone her question .While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old Veteran the same question. He replies,"Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds kind of forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."They waited in silence until curiosity got the best of her.She finally blurts out,"What the hell,go ahead".The Veteran slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay,that's enough,how old am I?" The Veteran completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says,"Madam,you are 47".Stunned and amazed she says,"That was incredible--how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old Veteran replies,"I was behind you in line at McDonald's".

[nc.gal]

A Military joke by Alton Johnson

After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home.Shortley after the train left the station,a very old woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter was also looking for a seat and asked if they might share the booth with him, which of course he agreed. A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor,the DI just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent,the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly,a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap. After the train exited the dark tunnel,the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty daughter. The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, Kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it."

[nc.gal]

Military joke by Michael Schuttenbert:

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before,monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enought to 'ave your passport ready for inspection". The American said,"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it". "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!". The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[nc.gal]

Subject: Army issue----------

Fifty one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.

[thedrifter]

Adopted By the Boston Red Sox


A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

Car Recall


The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.

[thedrifter]

The Legend Of Angels Atop Trees



Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

[thedrifter]

Gore's and Hillary's Revenge

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-***** had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."

[thedrifter]

Suicidal Grandma


Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart wouldbe just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[thedrifter]

Warm, Soft, & Gooey


A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

[thedrifter]

Drink 'Till She's Cute


A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

[thedrifter]

Fertile Celebration


While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[thedrifter]

Know Your Schitt


http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

[thedrifter]

Stupid Dude On The Island


A white man, a black man and an Asian man were stranded on an island far away from home. They found a lamp in the island which happens to be a magic lamp with a genie inside. The genie gives them 1 wish each. The white man wished to be home with his family, the genie granted him that wish. The black man wishes to be home with his family also, and the genie granted him his wish. The asian man was the only person left on an island with 1 wish still remaining. He felt so lonely on the island so he wished for the white man and the black man to return and they were stranded on the island forever.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Hotel


They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."

"But, madam!", replied the bellman.

"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

[thedrifter]

Men Are Like A Pack Of Cards

Men are like a pack of cards:

you need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them
a Club to batter them; and
a Spade to bury the bastards.

[thedrifter]

The Slow Golfers


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

After a short pause ...

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[thedrifter]

Rabbi And Priest Car Accident


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[thedrifter]

Super Computer Physician


A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

[thedrifter]

Placing Your Order


A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[thedrifter]

Dirty One Liners


Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #

Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say ****?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

[thedrifter]

Going To A Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

[thedrifter]

Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[thedrifter]

Heaven's Cars



Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

A Blondes Mother Dies


One day a brunnete was driving home from work, as she got out of the car she heard her blonde neighbor crying. "Oh my god what wrong?" the brunnete asked. "My mother just died!" said the blonde crying out. The brunnete feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day. The next day the brunnete saw the blonde crying outside. "Now what the hell is wrong?!" said the brunnete. "Ohh, it's terrible...my sister called, and her mother died too!"

[thedrifter]

Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere)


1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

[thedrifter]

A Bad Day


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[thedrifter]

Paradise


There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

[thedrifter]

Dream Job


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

[thedrifter]

God Comprehends Lawn Maintenance

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar FROM the long lastingblossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to seea vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and REPLACE them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them INTO great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something whichthey call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for ustonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole plot FROM St. Francis.

[thedrifter]

Viagra Jokes


Q. What is the generic name for Viagra?
A. Mycoxafillin....

Q. How can you tell if a man hasn't been taking his Viagra?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Did you hear that they put Viagra in a candy bar?
A. It's called "Oh, Henry!"

Q. What do you get when you mix Viagra and Rogain?
A. Don King

Q. What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?
A. They get taller

Q. How do you get Viagra from the internet?
A. All you need is a 3.5" floppy!

[thedrifter]

Genie In The Lamp


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

[thedrifter]

24 hours


A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[thedrifter]

Talking Dog For Sale


This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a ****ing liar."

[thedrifter]

Little Testy

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[thedrifter]

Tempting Santa

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Code


Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include #include #include #include
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla y)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_he r);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law suit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe r_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

[thedrifter]

Jesus And The Redneck


An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Children's X-Mas Carols


A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

[thedrifter]

161 Condom Slogans

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that *****
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

[thedrifter]

Smart-Ass Cop


Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that **** with me.'"

[thedrifter]

Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[nc.gal]

Question: Do you know how to play Iraqi bingo?
Answer: C-130 , F-16, B-52

************************************************** *
Question: What do you get when you cross a spider with
Saddam Hussein?
Answer: You get a spider hole hiding an a**-hole!!

**************************************************

In-Laws and Out-Laws

What is the difference between out-laws and in-laws?
Out-laws are wanted!!!!!!!

**************************************************

What starts with "F" and ends up with "UCK"?

FIRETRUCK

[nc.gal]

18 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex:

1 . You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocloate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocloate, there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocloate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

[thedrifter]

Polish Indian


A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."

[thedrifter]

A Blonde's Dream


One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part II)


..."Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit!
...An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
...a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
...a policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
...a tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
...after the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
...any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
...anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
...at least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
...baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
...bikers back down from your momma.
...birds are attracted to your beard.
...burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
...coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
...fewer than half of your cars run.
...going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
...if you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
...if you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
...in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
...in the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
...in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
...instead of flossing you use a plunger.
...instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
...it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
...motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
...on stag night, you take a real deer.
...on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
...one of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
...one of your kids was born on a pool table!
...people hear your car long before they see it.
...people mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
...rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
...red Man sends you a Christmas card.
...santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
...smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
...taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
...taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
...the ASPCA raids your kitchen.
...the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
...the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
...the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
...the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
...the dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
...the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
...the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
...the fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
...the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
...the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
...the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
...the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners VII


Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

[thedrifter]

Feeling Guilty


A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[thedrifter]

A Few Good Lawyers

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[nc.gal]

BINGO WINNER

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.

One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied:"I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied:"I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied:" I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me."

His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked:"How come you put so little water in the tub?"

The guy replied: I didn't want you to wet your bingo card."

[nc.gal]

THE CONFESSION:

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has commited adultry. "Oh,No", said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?", "I'd rather not say who it was." "Was it with Betty Smith?". "I'd rather not say", says Joe. So the priest gives him absoultion and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absoultion? "Yes, and two very good leads."

[nc.gal]

Barbie's Christmas Beau:

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks,"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "NO". said the little girl. "She comes with G.I.Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[nc.gal]

EGG DONOR

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found three eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

"Oh, that", Frank said, "Everytime I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that three affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Everytime I got a dozen, I sold them."

[nc.gal]

COLD WINTER:

In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold."
So the chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter". The chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely", the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[jfreas]

Young boy said to his Mother,"remember last Saturday when you was gone, well I saw Daddy and the Lady nextdoor upstairs in bed and they were" she cut in and said"Wait you can finish this at the dinner table when Daddy gets home". So that evening at the dinner table. "OK Son you can finish your story now." So the boy said "well last Saturday when you was gone, I saw Daddy and the Lady nextdoor upstairs in bed. They was doin the same thing you and Uncle Charlie was doin two weeks ago when Daddy was gone."

[thedrifter]

Changing A Lightbulb


Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

[thedrifter]

Programmers' Wisdom



Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

[thedrifter]

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

[thedrifter]

The Top Internet Commandments


12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.

11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***

10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.

9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.

8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.

7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!

6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.

5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.

4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click "Reply to all."

3. Thou shall not call thyself "Richard P. Smith" online when "Chesty LaRue" sounds so much better.

2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife - and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Failed Force Powers

10. X-Ray vision: for checking out what the other gender jedi were hiding under their robes. Banned by Yoda (something to do with small-man's complex).

9. Super-Complaino-Power: the ability to complain one's way out of any tough situation (see Luke Skywalker)

8. Insect Repellant: ability to generate an insect repelling force field

7. Rejection Perception: ability to see if opposite gender will reject or accept a dinner date proposal before the proposal is made (this way, the studly line, "you could use a good kiss," would be met with something other than, "I'd just as soon kiss a wookie."

6. Coffee Warming Power: ability to warm a cup of coffee with hands (or other small snack items sorta like a microwave).

5. Ability-to-see-sith-coming-out-of-thousand-year-hiding-and-start-taking-over -galaxy-power: (see TPM)

4. Ewok-Exploding-Power: deemed too close to the good side/bad side borderline for universal use.

3. Nookie-stamina-increasing-power: really tried on this one, ladies, and is still in development today. requires lots of practice with a willing partner...

2. Extra-sensory-clitoral-proximity-locating-power: (goes with three) 'been trying for THOUSANDS of years on this one, ladies, and haven't given up yet, rest assured. Your urgent requests have kept it at #2 again. It remains one of the great mysteries of the Galaxy. In fact, its probably because so much jedi mental resource was being used to develop this power that #4 failed. Could be, you never know! Stop throwing stuff at me!

1. Bad-joke-protection

[thedrifter]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly


Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

[thedrifter]

Teenage Humor


One day, two teenage boys, around 13 years old, walk into a gym. One of the boys go towards a pull up bar.

The boy is short and can't reach the bar.

So, he jumps up and grabs it and starts to do pull ups

As the boy was doing pull ups, the other boy comes up to him and says "Be careful! If you don't have a good grip, you could fall and hurt yourself."

The boy who is doing pull ups turns to the other boy, grins and says "Don't worry! I have a good grip; I'm well hung."

[thedrifter]

Tale of Blood-Curdling Terror


> YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?

Yes.

> ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

Yes.

> ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

YES!

> OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.

Just get on with it.

> ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.

Groan.

> THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.

Problems? What problems?

> THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.

But I'm using it at this very moment.

> THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...

> DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, > MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.

All that?

> YES. AND THE HARDDRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.

Well what *DOES* work?

> THE MOUSE.

The mouse?

> YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.

I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.

> YES YOU DO.

No I don't.

> WHAT'S THAT THEN?

It's a 3 1/2 drive.

> NO IT ISN'T.

Yes it is.

> .. HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK. IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........

[thedrifter]

Surprise


One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is ****ing the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's ****ing the horse!"

[thedrifter]

Twas the Night Before Implementation

Twas the night before implementation
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

The engineers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The customers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in their heads.

When out of the COPE [unk acronym] there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update! On Add! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary and APPEND, thus all had gone well.

The job was finished, the test were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included.
"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

[nc.gal]

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says, "But I can explain dear. As I was driving home, I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride.She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you.Her slacks were tattered so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me: "Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?"

[nc.gal]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?", yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?". "What", answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

[nc.gal]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies:"No problem, just get that lion out of the way".

[nc.gal]

TOP SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET

10. You write a letter that says something like, dear tom,hiyas! how r u doin

9. You have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws of Life.

8. Someone at work/school tells a joke and you say, "LOL".

7. You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences.

6. You double click your TV remote.

5. Your answering machine message is something to the effect of BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL.

4. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online--even before you drink your cup of Java.

3. You smile sideways.

2. Tech Support calls YOU for help.

1. Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult.

[nc.gal]

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 9-1-1. "You must help me find my parrot!". The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am, this number only deals with emergencies". But the lady persisted, and then the operator questioned why she didn't wait for the bird to fly back.
"But you don't understand", she begged, "the only thing he says is, "Here, Kitty, Kitty".

[thedrifter]

Wise Words To Live By


1. Sex is like air. Its not important unless you aren't getting any.

2. No one is listening until you fart.

3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

7. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

8. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

10. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

11. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass. Then things get worse.

12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[thedrifter]

Tech Support

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." This is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. " The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

[thedrifter]

Quotes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

[thedrifter]

New Jersey Body Map


One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.

Interesting, he thought.

First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold". Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant." Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.

Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"

She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."

[thedrifter]

The New Preist and His Mistakes


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[thedrifter]

Elephant WOMB

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

[thedrifter]

The Football Moms

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the ****s?"

[thedrifter]

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[thedrifter]

Anti-chain Letter


Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky-here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!". What a bunch of bull****.

So basically, this message is a big **** YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by the Romans in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't **** people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

[thedrifter]

Jail Vs. Work


IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[Phantom Blooper]

In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold."
So the chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter". The chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely", the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and >stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

SON: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD: Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway!



Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail
with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded
room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as
dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later the blessed virus appeared.

And that's the story........









:banana:

[steve evans]

This Old Dear decided on joining the Hells Angels. So of she toddles to the local Chapter and asks the head Angel if she could join.

"You ever been pulled by the Fuzz?" he asked her.

"No young man but I've been swung by the tits quite a few times!"

Steve Evans

[Phantom Blooper]

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his

wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she

could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go

turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing

things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said

no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply

lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,

"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.



"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in

my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just

shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an

ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police

caught the burglars red handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd

shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself
lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a
backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Clem and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Clem asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"
:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The preacher's, Sunday sermon was,Forgive Your Enemies,

Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, How many of
you have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
As it was past lunchtime, this time about
80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again.
All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?
"I don't have any." she replied. smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would
you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the *****es."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

On the first day of First Grade, the teacher informed the students that since they were all more grown up than last year in Kindergarten, they would now start speaking without using any ‘baby’ words in their sentences. She then proceeded to ask them what they’d done over the summer vacation.

Little Susie was the first to tell, she said she’d spent the summer at her Gam-Gam’s house…the teacher corrected her and told her she’d been at he Grandmother’s house…Susie restated her statement using the grown up word.

This continued around the classroom, some children caught on and proudly used adult words instead of kiddie-speak, but many just didn’t get it right away…Frankie rode a Choo-Choo...Jennifer received a new dolly, etcetra, etcetera... finally, the teacher called on little Johnny;

“What did you do this summer, Johnny?” she asked

Johnny puffed up proudly, determined to relate his story as an adult, and stated loud and clear…”My Family went to Disneyland and I got to see Winnie-The-Sh*t!”
:banana:

[nc.gal]

FRUITS OF LOVE

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so-----would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window-----they're choking my ducks!".

[thedrifter]

Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[thedrifter]

Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic


Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

"I'd rather be his ***** than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!

[thedrifter]

Polish Space Venture


A family of four Polish people and a few of their Polish friends decided to move to America. They settled into a middle class neighborhood in the heart of the country. Every night since they moved in,the neighbors of the Polish havent gotten any sleep. They would be banging,tearing, cutting, and welding. Eventually the neighbors got ****ed off and went over to see what they were doing. The educated Pollock spoke up "We are going to be the first humans to go to the sun." The american replied "You idiot you can't go to the sun, you will burn up." The Pollock thought hard about that statement and replied "We already have that mastered, we are going to go at night."

[thedrifter]

Picture Revenge


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was ****ed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts


1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

8. So what's the speed of dark?

9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

35. Do fish get cramps after eating?

36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?

44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[Phantom Blooper]

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Sex is like air. Its not important unless you aren't getting any.

2. No one is listening until you fart.

3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

7. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

8. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

10. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

11. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the a**. Then things get worse.

12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Dying Confession


Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[thedrifter]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

[thedrifter]

Smoking


A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part VII)


...your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
...your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...your lips move while reading a stop sign.
...your masseuse uses lard.
...your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
...your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
...your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
...your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
...your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
...your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
...your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
...your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
...your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
...your mother is hairier than your father.
...your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
...your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
...your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
...your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
...your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
...your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
...your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father's pickup truck!
...your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
...your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
...your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
...your secret family recipe is illegal.
...your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
...your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
...your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
...your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
...your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
...your wedding was held in the delivery room.
...your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
...your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
...your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
...your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
...your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!
...your wife wears the same underwear as you do.
...your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
...your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
...your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!
...your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

[thedrifter]

Yo momma Yo house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.

Yo momma is like a bowling ball she comes back for more

Yo momma is like a bowling ball she gets picked up fingered and thrown in the gutter and still comes back for more

Yo momma is like a door nob... every one gets a turn

Yo momma is like a vacuum cleaner she suck she blows and she gets laid in the closet

Yo momma's is just like a rooster the rooster goes cockadoodledo and Yo momma's goes AnyCockllDo!

Yo momma's is so fat that she block the sun and everbody though that she was the moon

Yo momma's so black, her legs look like leather pants at night.

Yo momma's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!

Yo momma's so fat she have to bathe in the ocean

Yo momma's so fat she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose.

Yo momma's so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.

Yo momma's so fat she wears a blue dress ands lays on the beach and peaple think shes a beached whale!

Yo momma's so fat she wears a real horse on her Polo shirt.

Yo momma's so fat she's on both sides of the family.

Yo momma's so fat shes done with a marathon before it starts.

Yo momma's so fat that when she puts on a black shirt and jumpes in the ocean, everyone thinks there's an oil spill.

Yo momma's so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.

Yo momma's so fat when she farts its almost like a volcanic eruption.

Yo momma's so fat when she gets on the bus she sits next to everyone!

Yo momma's so fat when she wears heels, they strike oil.

Yo momma's so fat when she went into the pool she hydrated.

Yo momma's so old she makes yoda jellis!

Yo momma's so old she was still alive when the dead sea was just sick.

Yo momma's so old wen i squeesed her tits creem cheese came out.

Yo momma's so poor I saw her walking down the street kicking a can,I said what you doing mrs. johnson, she said MOVING.

Yo momma's so poor i stepped through her front door and fell out the back.

Yo momma's so poor she dj's for the ice cream truck.

Yo momma's so poor she sells beans on toast at carnival

Yo momma's so so fat when she steped on a scale it said to be contiued!

Yo momma's so stupid I said let's go to the superbowl and she ran and got a spoon.

Yo momma's so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 mineuts.

Yo momma's so stupid she climbed a glass wall to what was on the other side

Yo momma's so stupid she got fired from a blow job.

Yo momma's so stupid she got locked in the bathroom and still peed her pants.

Yo momma's so stupid she put light bulbs on a christmas tree.

Yo momma's so stupid she put lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind!

Yo momma's so stupid she sold his cramra to buy film.

Yo momma's so stupid she stared at an orange juice box because it said concentrate

Yo momma's so stupid she thought a one star hotel was the best rating

Yo momma's so stupid she tried to comit suicide by jumping from the basement window.

Yo momma's so stupid she walked past the YMCA and said look, somebody spelled MACY'S wrong.

Yo momma's so stupid that when i asked her for a color tv she asked me what color.

Yo momma's's so fat she got tired climing the escalater.

[thedrifter]

Saying Grace

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited-- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Diet


There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days

"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"

She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

[thedrifter]

Chatty Parrot

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's *******ed cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's *******ed cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's *******ed cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty ****in' windy, too!"

[thedrifter]

Father and Son


A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

[thedrifter]

A Bad Day


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[thedrifter]

Suicidal Blonde


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his
birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year

and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his
birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a
letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Leroy


Leroy knew this wasn't true.

He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and
started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Leroy.

I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike
for
my birthday.

Thank you,

Leroy


Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my
birthday.

Leroy


Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote
another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good boy this year.

I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Leroy


Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very
sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear." :)

[Phantom Blooper]

You've ever used the term "Oohrah" in any context
Your dream home is base housing
You've ever rolled pennies to buy beer on a weeknight
You've ever sold blood to buy beer
You've ever financed a tattoo
You met your wife at a strip joint
Your kid has a high & tight
You still have your full basic issue
Your boot polish doesn't come out of a bottle
Your cammies have more starch than your potatoes
You refer to McDonald's food as "chow"
You've ever read your 'Battle Skills' book for fun
You still know all your General Orders
You call your friends "Devil Dog"
You think your military training is seriously worth college credit
Your picture is outside the Career Planner's office
You have whitewalls on your head, but not your car
You consider going to The Roadhouse a night on the town
You still know the words to the "Marine's Hymn"
You say things are 'good to go,' or 'outstanding'
Your favorite game is Spades
You still imitate your drill instructors
You call cadence to yourself
You get your haircut at the Day Store
You've ever given a period of instruction
You've ever "locked on" anybody
You use Aqua Velva aftershave
You iron your coveralls
You have a dog named "Chesty"
You have a blues cover in the back window of your car
You've ever done anything for love of Corps
You display your rank on the windshield of your car
You press your cammies after you get them from the cleaners
You have a subscription to 'The Marine Corps Times'
You use the term "hard charger" on a subject other than batteries
You think your unit doesn't PT enough
You think Motrin cures things
You wear your dogtags to the beach
You still use any drill instructor clichés
You forgot to "vent" the fuse on a can of NAP sitting under the hot sun of 29 stumps for hours as the hop was delayed! (You know who you are. Stay strong my brothers)
All your underwear still has your laundry number on it
You stencil your name on your jeans
You refer to regular clothes as 'civvies'
You've ever ironed your sheets for field day
You get your hair cut once a week
You've ever worn out an ironing board
You hang your dirty laundry from the foot of your bed
More than half of your wardrobe was purchased at the BX
You "quarter-deck" your kids
You practice line training on your wife
You argue with people about whether Paris Island or San Diego was better
You use your seabag as luggage
You have a picture of the Commandant in your living room
You wear your wooly-pully with Levis
You wear your all weather coat with regular clothes (or civvies)
The horn on your car plays the 'Marine Hymn'
Your picture is outside the PX
You've ever starved until dinner because you woke up too late to go to the chow hall
You have the belief that you can kick someone's a** because they're in the Navy
If you've ever suggested that your unit goes on a hump
You've ever gone to a bar or dance club in your blues
You found CPL School motivating
You like 'Tun Tavern" Beer
You have a camouflage comforter on your bed
You keep MRE's around just in case you get hungry
You go to the chow hall to meet women
You've ever had razor burn on your head
You signed the Chesty Puller stamp petition
You've ever used the term 'very well' in normal conversation
The Number 1 indicator you might be a Jarhead.... you read this far! Semper Fi!

:) :marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Since we flew the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan, will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when President Clinton dies?

[nc.gal]

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now----Before it's too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say, "BRIDGE OUT?"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nc.gal]

A traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night. However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter----on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her. The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a javelina, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms. The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"--"Sure did, Pa."--"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him John". "And if it's a girl", says the mother, "we'll call her Martha". About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well", he says, if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini".

[nc.gal]

PINOCCHIO TALKS TO GEPETTO:

Daddy, my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.

You know, my son, I didn't care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.

After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio: Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

Daddy, since I got the sandpaper, who needs the girls anymore.

[nc.gal]

SEX JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors. --Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor.--As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: Gorgonzola!---Wait, it is not on yet.

************************************************** ************************************************** ***

TWO FRIENDS:

Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come? Of course! How many people are coming? Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

**************************************************
**************************************************

A little boy asked his mother "Mummy, why are you white and I am black?" "Don't even ask me that----when I remember that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part III)


...the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
...the oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
...the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
...the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
...the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
...there are more fish on your wall than pictures.
...there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
...there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!
...there is a gun rack on your bicycle.
...there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
...there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
...there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
...there's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
...warp drive describes the condition of your car.
...when the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
...when you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
...when you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
...when your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
...you argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
...you believe All-Star Wrestling!
...you believe books are bad luck!
...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
...you bring your dog to work with you.
...you buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
...you can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
...you can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.
...you can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife?s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
...you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
...you can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
...you can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
...you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
...you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
...you complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
...you consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
...you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
...you consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
...you drive around a parking lot for fun.
...you ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
...you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
...you get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
...you go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
...you go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
...you go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
...you go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
...you go to the post office to research your family tree.
...you go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
...you got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
...you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
...you haul more than U-Haul.
...you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

[thedrifter]

Spell Checker


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[thedrifter]

A Gut-Wrenching Fart Story

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

[thedrifter]

Locked Car


Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

[thedrifter]

The Dysfunctional Bears


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."

Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."

So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"

Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

Helen Keller Jokes


Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't
scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can't have kids??
A: Because she's DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK's parent's do to punish her?
A1: Rearranged the furniture
A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl
A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
A4: Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner
A5: Washed her hands out with soap
A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.
A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
A1: She's a woman.
A2: She's dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book?
A: "Around the block in 80 Days"

Q: Define true love.
A: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
A: She shouted histerically.

[thedrifter]

The Ordeal of Fruit


Two men shipwrecked on an Island are captured by cannibals. The cheif informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the'Ordeal of fruit'. The men accept at once and the cheif tells them to go into the forest and collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him. The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The cheif says that if he can shove all of the grapes up his ass without laughing he will be released from the island. But no sooner than the first grape has reached his ass he bursts out laughing 'Whats so funny?' the cheif asks 'You do know we will kill you now?' 'Im sorry' the man says. 'Its just that my friend is collecting pineapples'.

[thedrifter]

Care And Feeding Of Your Computer


I've been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I'm tempted to hand this out to some of our users.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

[thedrifter]

Ten Years Bad Luck


A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

[thedrifter]

Persistant Stoner


A stoner walks into a 7-11 and asks the clerk "got any weed?" the clerk responds "Hell no you damn stoner". The next day the stoner returns he asks the clerk "got any weed" the clerk outraged smashes the stoners head on the counter and says, "Look you stoner if you come in here and ask if I got weed one more time I will nail your feet to the floor" So.. the next the day the stoner walks in and asks the clerk "got any nails" the clerk says no... so the stoner asks, "got any weed"?

[nc.gal]

This is nc.gal's last chuckles posting for a few days----going on vacation-----------------Enjoy

THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL:

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that".

3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before".

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!".

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold".

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?".

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erraticaly under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "interesting----more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor---then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot".

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small---now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well know drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "CrossDressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing,"Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say, "You got any more toilet paper over there, this side's completely out."

[nc.gal]

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimes Jackson. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[thedrifter]

How To Be Annoying In Newsgroups


Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RDFM").

WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."

Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

cc: all your E-mail to president@whitehouse.gov so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

[thedrifter]

Christ Returns to the NBA

After a two-year hiatus from basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, playing with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."

Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is Lord."

Christ's decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders, considering for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled "too passive and forgiving" to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has decided to turn the other cheek.

"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."

The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ decided to turn down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.

"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins," Christ reportedly said.

Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy lay-up. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited to have Christ back.

Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a row.

A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability and overwhelming love for all mankind.

Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take layoffs, Christ's body fat is just 3 percent, even lower than when He was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.

Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not "unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood."

Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.

"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can't ride it alone to the championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."

Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age, may slow Him down.

"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."

[thedrifter]

Funeral Plans

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[thedrifter]

Old Lady's Pet Forg


An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

[thedrifter]

Memory Test


Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

[thedrifter]

Great Fishing Spot


These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

[thedrifter]

Bad Tooth

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a toothpulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

[nc.gal]

HOW COLD IS IT?

The number on the left of each listing represents the current temperature-----So,if it:

65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 Californians put on sweaters

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation for Australia

25 Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents head to Mexico

15 French cars don't start

10 You need jumper cables to start your car

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

[thedrifter]

Things to Say at a Job Interview

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

[thedrifter]

Animal Super Bowl


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[thomas bruce]

Three elder ladies were sitting on on one of theirfront porches one day and the talk got around to there sex lives.
The first lady said " If you had a nickname for your husand in bed, what would it be? I would call mine Mountain Do."
"Why?" the other ladies said.
" Because that 's what he does. He mounts me and he doos me."
The second lady said" Well. I gwould have to call my husand 7-UP. Because he's got 7 inches and its always up!"
After some time the first two ladies asked the third lady " What would you call your husband?"
The third lady thought for awhile and said "Well' I'ld have to call him... Jack Daniels."
"Why thats a hard licker," the other ladies said.
"Mmhmm," the third lady said, "that's my Leroy!"

[thedrifter]

Daddy Johnny


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[thedrifter]

The Laws Of Golfing


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[thedrifter]

Computer Viruses Part 2


Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte

Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy

Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive

Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files

X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting

Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files

[thedrifter]

A Real Watch Dog


A blind man walked INTO a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked INTO the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

[thedrifter]

Robbery In A Church

A crook thought maybe he could rob a church. The crook takes the money but notices a priest. The crook wants to kill the only witness, so he pulls out his gun, and fires. The crook missed and said "Damn, I missed." the preist tells the crook "If you swear in the house of God again, you will be struck by lightening." The crook shoots, misses, and again say "Damn, I missed." Suddenly, the heavens open up and a bolt of lightening thunders down and hits the preist. Then a towery voice says "Damn, I missed."

[thedrifter]

Skydiving Blind

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[thedrifter]

Fertile Celebration

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[thedrifter]

Quotes

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

[thedrifter]

How Long Is The Pole?

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

[thedrifter]

Trigonometry
A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said "Great! Be sure and give him lot's of that there triggernometry! He's got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!"

[thedrifter]

AOL Pie

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
When I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye...

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye...

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
So bye bye...

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
So bye bye...

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye...

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

[Phantom Blooper]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife and asks, "Honey, please, just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could ... ?"


The wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning, you don't."

[thedrifter]

Appointments


One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel


Note: In case you didn't know, Samuel L. Jackson was in the first prequel as "Jedi Master Mace Windu"

10. You don't need to see my ******* identification, 'cause these ain't the mother****in' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy mother****er.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother****in' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the **** we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Mother****er.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

4. You sendin' the Fett? ****, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a *****? Then why are you tryin' to **** him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother ****er.'

[thedrifter]

Computer Terms


A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[thedrifter]

The Deaf Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[thedrifter]

Finally Got To Heaven


The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, everyday." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied.! "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

[thedrifter]

Getting out of a Speeding Ticket


Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

[thedrifter]

Viagara Bed


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[thedrifter]

Blonde One Liners XXXVII


Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

[thedrifter]

The Next One



After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

[thedrifter]

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if:


1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know,back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a Benetton.

[thedrifter]

Elephant WOMB


Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

[thedrifter]

Done By Smell


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

[thedrifter]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"