Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Want To Go Out?


One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

[thedrifter]

Warranty Card ...


MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD

The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10
days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified
_Other

First Name

Initial

Last Name

Password

Code Name

Latitude Longitude Altitude

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? (*** see note at end)

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as gift/aid package

_Catalog showroom

_Sleazy arms broker

_Mail order

_Discount store

_Government surplus

_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up

_Store display

_Espionage

_Recommended by friend/relative/ally

_Political lobbying by manufacturer

_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/appearance

_Kickback/bribe

_Recommended by salesperson

_Speed/maneuverability

_Comfort/convenience

_McDonnell Douglas reputation

_Advanced Weapons Systems

_Price/value

_Backroom politics

_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America

_Central/South America

_Aircraft carrier

_Europe

_Middle East

_Africa

_Asia/Far East

_Misc. Third World countries

_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

Color TV

VCR

ICBM

Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist

_Terrorist

_Crazed

_Neutral

_Democratic

_Dictatorship

_Corrupt

_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash

_Oil revenues

_Deficit spending

_Personal check

_Credit card

_Ransom money

_Traveler's check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker

Sales/marketing

Revolutionary

Clerical

Mercenary

Tyrant

Middle management

Eccentric billionaire

Defense Minister/general

Retired

Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse
enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse

Golf

Boating/sailing

Sabotage

Running/jogging

Propaganda/disinformation

Destabilization/overthrow

Default on loans

Gardening

Crafts

Black market/smuggling

Collectibles/collections

Watching sports on TV

Wines

Interrogation/torture

Household pets

Crushing rebellions

Espionage/reconnaissance

Fashion clothing

Border disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis

[thedrifter]

Warranty Down Under

(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:)

SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover."

Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

[Ed: NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet]

[thedrifter]

Washington Ballet


There's a very good reason why the ballet is so popular in Washington, D.C.

None of the politicians there are used to seeing people on their toes.

[thedrifter]

Washington D.C.


A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington D.C."

On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

[thedrifter]

Watch Your Step!




While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....


Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Water Hole


A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.
One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that
he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I begged for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.


:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog

Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow

But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You

It's Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted

To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend

And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,

but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Wayside Chapel



An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

Dear Madame,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,
[the schoolmaster]

[thedrifter]

Ways to Confuse Santa


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

[thedrifter]

The Weakest Link






Are you the weakest link?

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them without delay.
You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
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First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!
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(To answer the second question, don't take as much time
as you took for the first question.)

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. If you were first and
lapped the last person, then you are still first.
(You're not very good at this are you?)
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Third Question: Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head Only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
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Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always
jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get
the last question right?
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4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the
fifth daughter?
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Answer:
Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth
daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.



How did you do?

[thedrifter]

Webster's Dictionary


(Warning, you are about to enter a pun zone!)

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition.

"We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that ....








(Get ready)











(Here it comes)













we can't have archaic and edit too."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Anniversary




On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Colors




Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said....

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

[thedrifter]

Wedding Daze




A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

[thedrifter]

The Wedding Dress


When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

[thedrifter]

Wedding Procession


A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went ... step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR ... all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Wedding Registry


A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just want to change the name of the groom."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Vows




During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Vows 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

[thedrifter]

A Week at the Gym

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hourlate, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

[thedrifter]

Weighing In


Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

[thedrifter]

Weight Lifting?



The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...."

"I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out.

"Ahhhh please, Dad?"

"Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added.

"I promise, Dad, I'll use them...."

Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?"

[Sgted]

Dog Story

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?
This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[yellowwing]

German police revive rabbit

Sat Jul 10,12:43 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police have successfully resuscitated a dwarf rabbit named Napoleon by breathing through a ball point pen after he passed out in a house fire, authorities say.

Two officers were called to a Berlin flat where firefighters had dragged the unconscious rabbit's cage outside. The officers opened Napoleon's mouth with a pen and breathed down it while giving the pet a cardio massage, a police spokesman said on Saturday.

The officers then rushed Napoleon by police car to a vet, who will keep him for observation for a few days.

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Dead Hick

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[thedrifter]

Swerving Blonde

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

[thedrifter]

Diagnosis

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

[thedrifter]

Polish Space Venture

A family of four Polish people and a few of their Polish friends decided to move to America. They settled into a middle class neighborhood in the heart of the country. Every night since they moved in,the neighbors of the Polish havent gotten any sleep. They would be banging,tearing, cutting, and welding. Eventually the neighbors got ****ed off and went over to see what they were doing. The educated Pollock spoke up "We are going to be the first humans to go to the sun." The american replied "You idiot you can't go to the sun, you will burn up." The Pollock thought hard about that statement and replied "We already have that mastered, we are going to go at night."

[thedrifter]

Can't Breathe

I remember back in 1995 i went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?"

"Yes, whats your point?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe."

[Phantom Blooper]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"





:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the suspect, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.


When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.


She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.


When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'


Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.


Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......................

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
............................... A COMMON TATER !!

[thedrifter]

Welcome Aboard




From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

[thedrifter]

Welcome to California




WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA - FINANCING IS AVAILABLE

An introduction to the new resident to California.

GEOGRAPHY AND PEOPLE

Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not miles. To help new residents and Californians travelling to the east coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for converting hours to miles.

The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:

Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception that people actually live in the houses in Southern California. This is not true. Southern California is actually the world's only moving condominium.

Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the Coast Range.

Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.

Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring place in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already taken.

Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great wonders of California. I must correct one common myth. The Mojave was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.

Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.

LANGUAGE AND NAMES

California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian names are common in all of California.

Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced "hew en a ma" by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very close, since the word means "high colonic" in Spanish.

Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.

Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a hospital for the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.

Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a local baseball team.

San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words for a self-centered beach worshiper.

Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish encountered local Indians.

Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.

Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.

Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande (there were a lot of explorers).

Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano. He spent his last days as a urologist.

San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.

WEATHER

California has four distinct seasons:
1. Summer - hot, earthquakes
2. Fall - wild fires, earthquakes
3. Winter - rains, earthquakes
4. Spring - mud slides, earthquakes

FOOD

California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be explained. Mexican food has three types - real Mexican food only for the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as both a food and a paint remover.

[thedrifter]

Well, Are You?




One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"When you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"

[thedrifter]

Whale Communication

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'

[thedrifter]

What Are We Doing?


Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness.

Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

[thedrifter]

What Happened?


There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn.

Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves.

"What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.

He replied, "Smoke inhalation."

[thedrifter]

What Does That Mean?


Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy.

As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Levi whispered, "What does that mean?"

Jimmy replied, "Unfortunately -- nothing!"

[thedrifter]

What Do You Love Most.....




"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my great athletic ability or my quick intellect?"

"What I love most about you," responded the wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."

[thedrifter]

What Do You Say?


While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

[thedrifter]

What Men Really Mean, Part 1




"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make
obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day
gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
(or Rene Russo)

[thedrifter]

What Men Really Mean, Part 2




"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a
vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling
the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."

[nc.gal]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible', says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No", she says, I"m actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[nc.gal]

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

[nc.gal]

HOW HOT IS IT?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

[nc.gal]

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did.The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the sugeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time."But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

[Phantom Blooper]

THE OLD FARMER SAID, As he went to buy a ticket at the theater, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES.

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS PANTS.

HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, ENTERED THE THEATRE AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

THE OLD FARMER UNZIPPED HIS PANTS SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND

WATCH THE MOVIE.

MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE, "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN.

[Sparrowhawk]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

[Phantom Blooper]

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

[Phantom Blooper]

Politics...Explained


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies:

"The President is screwing the Working Class,

While the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored

And the Future is in deep sh!t!"

[thedrifter]

What the Engineer says (What is really meant)




A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)

We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We'll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

Give us your interpretation.
(I can't wait to hear this!)

All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)

Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)

Years of development
(One finally worked.)

Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.)

[thedrifter]

What Size?


A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, "What size?" she said, "What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner."

[thedrifter]

What Took You So Long?


The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."

[thedrifter]

What to Drink




I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses and waiters now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mr. Pibb, Sprite, . . ." etc.

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[thedrifter]

What to Wear


"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"

[thedrifter]

What's in a Name?


One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

[thedrifter]

What's Wrong With Me?


"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

[thedrifter]

What's Your Game?




Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

[thedrifter]

What Store Employees Really Mean




1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)

9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it."
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. "No, we don't have any more in the back."
(I just don't want to check.)

[thedrifter]

What Watson Heard


The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell and his assistant, Mr. Watson, have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears, as clear as a ...well, ahem ...bell:

"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?..."

[thedrifter]

What Would You Do?




An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

[yellowwing]

Man Jailed for Shooting Off His Testicles

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said.

David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

[thedrifter]

Man Buys 'Religious' Bra

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?"inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army typelifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

[nc.gal]

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks GOD if he can ask Him a few questions."Sure", God says, " go right ahead". "OK", the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?" God says, "So you would like them." "OK", the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" "So you would LOVE them", God replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks,"But why did you make them such airheads?" God says, "So they would LOVE you!"

[nc.gal]

A man comes home in the middle of the day to find his young, blonde wife standing in the middle of their flooded deluxe apartment wearing only underwear. "What happened here?" he asks. "The entire apartment is flooded!" "I think the waterbed burst," she explains. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that!" demands the husband", "That's, ummm, the lifeguard!"

[thedrifter]

What We Pray For




A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

[thedrifter]

What's in a Name?




The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[thedrifter]

What's in a Name?




(A true story from the Associated Press)

In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, -- we're talking about copyright infringement.

It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.

Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso. --AP

[thedrifter]

What's in a Name?




The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"A'ha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.

[thedrifter]

What's Your Name?


One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead.

Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."

[thedrifter]

What's The Difference?


As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

[thedrifter]

What's Your Job?


Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

[thedrifter]

The Wheelbarrow




The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[thedrifter]

When it absolutely, positively shouldn't go UPS


Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing company's ERP system, says a technician working there.

"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very visible item the business is always trying to reduce."

And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long story short, this was not working."

After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and they give us a better rate."

For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.

"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the shipment to FedEx.

"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called -- and the customer-specific freight rates were updated."

[thedrifter]

When Life Begins


A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat."

"We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."

[thedrifter]

Where Grandmother Lives

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

[thedrifter]

Where the Heck?


I know that you, just like me, at one time or another has said, "Now, where the Heck did THAT come from?"

Do you know where Heck is?

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It's where you go after you die, if you don't believe in Gosh.

[thedrifter]

Where It Lies




Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said,

"Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile,

"YOUR 7 iron!"

[thedrifter]

The thinnest books:


HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .........

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev.. Jessie Jackson


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Bush/Clinton Joke


Bush, Cheney and Condi have to fly to a commission hearing. Clinton has to attend also, and he asks if he can fly with them. They agree. On the flight, they have a friendly game of Pinochle.

After the game, Cheney, who won $10, feels generous. "I'm going to make ten people happy" he says, and opens the door and throws ten one-dollar bills out of the plane.

Condi follows suit. She won twenty dollars. She says "I'm going to make twenty people happy", and throws twenty one-dollar bills out the door.

Pres. Bush then says, "I'm going to make the whole world happy!" Then he opened the door and threw Clinton out of the plane.

[thedrifter]

Things Were Tougher Then


There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

[thedrifter]

Men Are Like A Pack Of Cards

Men are like a pack of cards:

you need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them
a Club to batter them; and
a Spade to bury the bastards.

[thedrifter]

Dis Letter


Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________

[thedrifter]

Don't Pee in the Pool


Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[thedrifter]

The New Preist and His Mistakes


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[thedrifter]

Horse And Chicken


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[thedrifter]

Rubbing For A Wish


A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[thedrifter]

How Does a (______) Chicken Cross the Road?


NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

[thedrifter]

Where's the Cat?


My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."

[thedrifter]

Where's Mommy?


One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.....

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

[thedrifter]

Where's Paradise?




An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Which Church?


A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Lutheran pastor got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.

The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"

The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"

The Lutheran pastor sat silent for a minute. Then he stated: "You each have some good points, I must admit. But He'd never change."

[thedrifter]

Which Landing?


As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[thedrifter]

Who's to Blame?


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anbody could have done!

[thedrifter]

Who's the Boss?

One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Kristel asked, " Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." But Kristel added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"

[thedrifter]

Who's On first - Star Trek Style

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For those of you who are not familiar with the comedy of Abbott and Costello, their "Who's on First?" routine is a classic (and perhaps one of the best things they ever did.) You can find the complete text of this routine plus sound bites at Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"


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Who's On First -- Star Trek Style

Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.
Spock - Good day, Captain.
Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of
4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock
the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of
'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?
Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the
baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I
may be of assistance.
Kirk - That's the idea.
Spock - Very well... proceed.
Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.
Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk - So?
Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test
the accuracy.
Kirk - No... Who's on first.
Spock - I do not know.
Kirk - No... he's third base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - No... he's first base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Correct.
Spock - Who is correct?
Kirk - Sometimes.
Spock - Who is sometimes?
Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes'
identity.
Spock - Who's identity?
Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Right.
Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - I said the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second
baseman?
Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
McCoy - Obviously.
Spock - That much is certain.
McCoy - Just get back to the skit.
Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the
second baseman?
Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously
a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as
who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what
is the second baseman.'
Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.
Spock - That statement is most illogical.
Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he
must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...
Scott - Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
Kirk - You see, Spock?
Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well.
Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?
Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!
Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am
very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking
about.
Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field
event!
Spock - What has this got to do with field events?
Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who'
and not 'what' Mister Scott.
Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
Spock - Who is?
Scott - Right!
Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott - Aye, sir.
Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing
impatient.
Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.
Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a
Whoever on the team...

[thedrifter]

Why Are We Here?


So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"

And this is what I said.

"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands."

"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole."

"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to medical school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front