View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...

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07-10-04, 07:28 AM
Want To Go Out?

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

07-10-04, 07:28 AM
Warranty Card ...


The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...


Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10
days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified

First Name


Last Name


Code Name

Latitude Longitude Altitude

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? (*** see note at end)

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as gift/aid package

_Catalog showroom

_Sleazy arms broker

_Mail order

_Discount store

_Government surplus


6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up

_Store display


_Recommended by friend/relative/ally

_Political lobbying by manufacturer

_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:



_Recommended by salesperson



_McDonnell Douglas reputation

_Advanced Weapons Systems


_Backroom politics

_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America

_Central/South America

_Aircraft carrier


_Middle East


_Asia/Far East

_Misc. Third World countries


9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

Color TV



Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:









11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?


_Oil revenues

_Deficit spending

_Personal check

_Credit card

_Ransom money

_Traveler's check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse







Middle management

Eccentric billionaire

Defense Minister/general



13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse
enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse







Default on loans



Black market/smuggling


Watching sports on TV



Household pets

Crushing rebellions


Fashion clothing

Border disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis

07-10-04, 07:29 AM
Warranty Down Under

(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:)

SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover."

Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

[Ed: NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet]

07-10-04, 07:29 AM
Washington Ballet

There's a very good reason why the ballet is so popular in Washington, D.C.

None of the politicians there are used to seeing people on their toes.

07-10-04, 07:29 AM
Washington D.C.

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington D.C."

On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

07-10-04, 07:30 AM
Watch Your Step!

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....

Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.


07-10-04, 07:30 AM
The Water Hole

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Phantom Blooper
07-10-04, 02:44 PM
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.
One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that
he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I begged for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-10-04, 05:36 PM
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. :banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-10-04, 07:36 PM
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog

Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow

But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You

It's Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted

To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend

And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,

but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.


07-11-04, 07:51 AM
The Wayside Chapel

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

Dear Madame,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

[the schoolmaster]

07-11-04, 07:51 AM
Ways to Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

07-11-04, 07:52 AM
The Weakest Link

Are you the weakest link?

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them without delay.
You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!
(To answer the second question, don't take as much time
as you took for the first question.)

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. If you were first and
lapped the last person, then you are still first.
(You're not very good at this are you?)
Third Question: Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head Only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always
jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get
the last question right?

4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the
fifth daughter?
Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth
daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.

How did you do?

07-11-04, 07:52 AM
Webster's Dictionary

(Warning, you are about to enter a pun zone!)

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition.

"We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that ....

(Get ready)

(Here it comes)

we can't have archaic and edit too."

07-11-04, 07:53 AM
Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

07-11-04, 07:54 AM
Wedding Colors

Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said....

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

07-11-04, 07:54 AM
Wedding Daze

A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

07-11-04, 07:55 AM
The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

07-11-04, 07:55 AM
Wedding Procession

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went ... step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR ... all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


07-11-04, 07:55 AM
Wedding Registry

A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that the store would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just want to change the name of the groom."

07-11-04, 07:56 AM
Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

07-11-04, 07:56 AM
Wedding Vows 2

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said: "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied: "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

07-11-04, 07:57 AM
A Week at the Gym

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hourlate, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

07-11-04, 07:57 AM
Weighing In

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

07-11-04, 07:58 AM
Weight Lifting?

The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...."

"I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out.

"Ahhhh please, Dad?"

"Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added.

"I promise, Dad, I'll use them...."

Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?"

07-11-04, 08:18 AM
Dog Story

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?
This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

07-11-04, 09:05 AM
German police revive rabbit

Sat Jul 10,12:43 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police have successfully resuscitated a dwarf rabbit named Napoleon by breathing through a ball point pen after he passed out in a house fire, authorities say.

Two officers were called to a Berlin flat where firefighters had dragged the unconscious rabbit's cage outside. The officers opened Napoleon's mouth with a pen and breathed down it while giving the pet a cardio massage, a police spokesman said on Saturday.

The officers then rushed Napoleon by police car to a vet, who will keep him for observation for a few days.


07-11-04, 11:08 AM
Dead Hick

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

07-11-04, 11:09 AM
Swerving Blonde

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

07-11-04, 11:09 AM

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civvy street to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

07-11-04, 11:09 AM
Polish Space Venture

A family of four Polish people and a few of their Polish friends decided to move to America. They settled into a middle class neighborhood in the heart of the country. Every night since they moved in,the neighbors of the Polish havent gotten any sleep. They would be banging,tearing, cutting, and welding. Eventually the neighbors got ****ed off and went over to see what they were doing. The educated Pollock spoke up "We are going to be the first humans to go to the sun." The american replied "You idiot you can't go to the sun, you will burn up." The Pollock thought hard about that statement and replied "We already have that mastered, we are going to go at night."

07-11-04, 11:10 AM
Can't Breathe

I remember back in 1995 i went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?"

"Yes, whats your point?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe."

Phantom Blooper
07-11-04, 03:06 PM
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Phantom Blooper
07-12-04, 07:11 AM
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the suspect, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Phantom Blooper
07-12-04, 07:55 AM
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......................

............................... A COMMON TATER !!

07-12-04, 08:58 AM
Welcome Aboard

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

07-12-04, 08:58 AM
Welcome to California


An introduction to the new resident to California.


Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not miles. To help new residents and Californians travelling to the east coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for converting hours to miles.

The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:

Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception that people actually live in the houses in Southern California. This is not true. Southern California is actually the world's only moving condominium.

Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the Coast Range.

Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.

Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming area in the world, the Central Valley is the third most boring place in the country. Iowa and Kansas had the first two places already taken.

Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great wonders of California. I must correct one common myth. The Mojave was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.

Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.


California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian names are common in all of California.

Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced "hew en a ma" by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very close, since the word means "high colonic" in Spanish.

Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.

Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a hospital for the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.

Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a local baseball team.

San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words for a self-centered beach worshiper.

Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish encountered local Indians.

Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.

Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.

Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande (there were a lot of explorers).

Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano. He spent his last days as a urologist.

San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.


California has four distinct seasons:
1. Summer - hot, earthquakes
2. Fall - wild fires, earthquakes
3. Winter - rains, earthquakes
4. Spring - mud slides, earthquakes


California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be explained. Mexican food has three types - real Mexican food only for the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as both a food and a paint remover.

07-12-04, 08:59 AM
Well, Are You?

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"When you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"

07-12-04, 08:59 AM
Whale Communication

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'

07-12-04, 08:59 AM
What Are We Doing?

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness.

Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

07-12-04, 09:00 AM
What Happened?

There was a fire in my neighborhood, and I arrived just in time to see firefighters carry one of their men out of the burning house and lower him to a sitting position on the lawn.

Visibly shaken, he took out a cigarette, lit it, and sat there puffing on it to calm his nerves.

"What happened to that poor guy?" I asked a bystander.

He replied, "Smoke inhalation."

07-12-04, 09:00 AM
What Does That Mean?

Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy.

As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Levi whispered, "What does that mean?"

Jimmy replied, "Unfortunately -- nothing!"

07-12-04, 09:00 AM
What Do You Love Most.....

"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my great athletic ability or my quick intellect?"

"What I love most about you," responded the wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."

07-12-04, 09:01 AM
What Do You Say?

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

07-12-04, 09:01 AM
What Men Really Mean, Part 1

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and
completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make
obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like
Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
(or Rene Russo)

07-12-04, 09:02 AM
What Men Really Mean, Part 2

"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a
vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling
the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."

07-12-04, 02:29 PM
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible', says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No", she says, I"m actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

07-12-04, 02:31 PM
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

07-12-04, 02:38 PM
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

07-12-04, 02:57 PM
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did.The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the sugeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time."But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

Phantom Blooper
07-12-04, 08:25 PM
THE OLD FARMER SAID, As he went to buy a ticket at the theater, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES.













07-13-04, 02:23 AM
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

Phantom Blooper
07-13-04, 06:11 AM
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

Phantom Blooper
07-13-04, 06:13 AM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies:

"The President is screwing the Working Class,

While the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored

And the Future is in deep sh!t!"

07-13-04, 08:10 AM
What the Engineer says (What is really meant)

A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)

We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)

Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

We'll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

Please read and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)

Give us your interpretation.
(I can't wait to hear this!)

All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

(Too heavy to lift!)

(Lighter than rugged.)

Years of development
(One finally worked.)

Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.)

07-13-04, 08:10 AM
What Size?

A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, "What size?" she said, "What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner."

07-13-04, 08:11 AM
What Took You So Long?

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."


"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."

07-13-04, 08:11 AM
What to Drink

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses and waiters now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mr. Pibb, Sprite, . . ." etc.

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

07-13-04, 08:11 AM
What to Wear

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"

07-13-04, 08:12 AM
What's in a Name?

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

07-13-04, 08:12 AM
What's Wrong With Me?

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

07-13-04, 08:12 AM
What's Your Game?

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

07-13-04, 08:13 AM
What Store Employees Really Mean

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)

9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it."
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. "No, we don't have any more in the back."
(I just don't want to check.)

07-13-04, 08:13 AM
What Watson Heard

The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell and his assistant, Mr. Watson, have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears, as clear as a ...well, ahem ...bell:

"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?..."

07-13-04, 08:13 AM
What Would You Do?

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

07-13-04, 12:21 PM
Man Jailed for Shooting Off His Testicles

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said.

David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

07-13-04, 01:28 PM
Man Buys 'Religious' Bra

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?"inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army typelifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

07-13-04, 02:01 PM
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks GOD if he can ask Him a few questions."Sure", God says, " go right ahead". "OK", the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?" God says, "So you would like them." "OK", the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" "So you would LOVE them", God replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks,"But why did you make them such airheads?" God says, "So they would LOVE you!"

07-13-04, 02:05 PM
A man comes home in the middle of the day to find his young, blonde wife standing in the middle of their flooded deluxe apartment wearing only underwear. "What happened here?" he asks. "The entire apartment is flooded!" "I think the waterbed burst," she explains. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that!" demands the husband", "That's, ummm, the lifeguard!"

07-14-04, 07:55 AM
What We Pray For

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late" .... at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

07-14-04, 07:55 AM
What's in a Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

07-14-04, 07:55 AM
What's in a Name?

(A true story from the Associated Press)

In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, -- we're talking about copyright infringement.

It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.

Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso. --AP

07-14-04, 07:56 AM
What's in a Name?

The Secretary of the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 3,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the Secretary jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"A'ha," smiled the Secretary. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The Secretary walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.

07-14-04, 07:56 AM
What's Your Name?

One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead.

Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."

07-14-04, 07:56 AM
What's The Difference?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

07-14-04, 07:57 AM
What's Your Job?

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

07-14-04, 07:57 AM
The Wheelbarrow

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

07-14-04, 07:58 AM
When it absolutely, positively shouldn't go UPS

Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing company's ERP system, says a technician working there.

"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very visible item the business is always trying to reduce."

And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long story short, this was not working."

After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and they give us a better rate."

For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.

"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the shipment to FedEx.

"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called -- and the customer-specific freight rates were updated."

07-14-04, 07:58 AM
When Life Begins

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat."

"We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."

07-14-04, 07:58 AM
Where Grandmother Lives

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

07-14-04, 07:59 AM
Where the Heck?

I know that you, just like me, at one time or another has said, "Now, where the Heck did THAT come from?"

Do you know where Heck is?

(Scroll down)


It's where you go after you die, if you don't believe in Gosh.

07-14-04, 07:59 AM
Where It Lies

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said,

"Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile,

"YOUR 7 iron!"

07-14-04, 09:44 AM
The thinnest books:

by Jane Fonda

by Janet Reno

by John Denver

by Dan Marino

by Hillary Clinton

by Osama Bin Laden

by Bill Gates

by Dennis Rodman

by Al Gore



DETROIT: a Travel Guide

by Dr. J. Kevorkian



by Ellen de Generes

by Mike Tyson

by the EPA


by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .........

by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev.. Jessie Jackson


07-14-04, 05:34 PM
Bush/Clinton Joke

Bush, Cheney and Condi have to fly to a commission hearing. Clinton has to attend also, and he asks if he can fly with them. They agree. On the flight, they have a friendly game of Pinochle.

After the game, Cheney, who won $10, feels generous. "I'm going to make ten people happy" he says, and opens the door and throws ten one-dollar bills out of the plane.

Condi follows suit. She won twenty dollars. She says "I'm going to make twenty people happy", and throws twenty one-dollar bills out the door.

Pres. Bush then says, "I'm going to make the whole world happy!" Then he opened the door and threw Clinton out of the plane.

07-14-04, 05:34 PM
Things Were Tougher Then

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

07-14-04, 05:35 PM
Men Are Like A Pack Of Cards

Men are like a pack of cards:

you need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them
a Club to batter them; and
a Spade to bury the bastards.

07-14-04, 05:35 PM
Dis Letter

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _________________________________

07-14-04, 05:35 PM
Don't Pee in the Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

07-14-04, 05:36 PM
The New Preist and His Mistakes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

07-14-04, 05:36 PM
Horse And Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

07-14-04, 05:38 PM
Rubbing For A Wish

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

07-14-04, 05:39 PM
How Does a (______) Chicken Cross the Road?

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

07-15-04, 07:50 AM
Where's the Cat?

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."

07-15-04, 07:51 AM
Where's Mommy?

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.....

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

07-15-04, 07:51 AM
Where's Paradise?

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

07-15-04, 07:51 AM
Which Church?

A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Lutheran pastor got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.

The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"

The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"

The Lutheran pastor sat silent for a minute. Then he stated: "You each have some good points, I must admit. But He'd never change."

07-15-04, 07:52 AM
Which Landing?

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

07-15-04, 07:52 AM
Who's to Blame?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anbody could have done!

07-15-04, 07:52 AM
Who's the Boss?

One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Kristel asked, " Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." But Kristel added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"

07-15-04, 07:53 AM
Who's On first - Star Trek Style


For those of you who are not familiar with the comedy of Abbott and Costello, their "Who's on First?" routine is a classic (and perhaps one of the best things they ever did.) You can find the complete text of this routine plus sound bites at Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"


Who's On First -- Star Trek Style

Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.
Spock - Good day, Captain.
Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of
4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock
the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of
'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?
Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the
baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I
may be of assistance.
Kirk - That's the idea.
Spock - Very well... proceed.
Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.
Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk - So?
Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test
the accuracy.
Kirk - No... Who's on first.
Spock - I do not know.
Kirk - No... he's third base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - No... he's first base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Correct.
Spock - Who is correct?
Kirk - Sometimes.
Spock - Who is sometimes?
Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes'
Spock - Who's identity?
Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Right.
Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - I said the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second
Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
McCoy - Obviously.
Spock - That much is certain.
McCoy - Just get back to the skit.
Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the
second baseman?
Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously
a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as
who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what
is the second baseman.'
Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.
Spock - That statement is most illogical.
Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he
must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...
Scott - Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
Kirk - You see, Spock?
Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well.
Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?
Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!
Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am
very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking
Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field
Spock - What has this got to do with field events?
Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who'
and not 'what' Mister Scott.
Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
Spock - Who is?
Scott - Right!
Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott - Aye, sir.
Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing
Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.
Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a
Whoever on the team...

07-15-04, 07:53 AM
Why Are We Here?

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"

And this is what I said.

"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands."

"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole."

"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to medical school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go."

"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be."

"We're here to photograph a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning."

"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying."

"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't."

"We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it."

"We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'"

"We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake."

"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads."

"We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday."

"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!"

"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven.

Does that answer your question, son?"

And he said, "Not really, Dad."

And I said, "No?"

And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"

07-15-04, 07:54 AM
Why Go To Medical School?

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

07-15-04, 07:54 AM
Why I Don't Play Golf

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."

07-15-04, 07:54 AM
Why Paper Airplanes Fly

Question: I know that the real planes fly because of their curved wings. However, paper airplanes don't have such curved wings. How can it fly? Where does the lifting force come from?

Answer: Well, speaking as someone who sprained his back lifting shuttle documentation -- everybody knows an airplane flies when the weight of its documentation equals or exceeds the weight of the airplane.

Therefore a paper airplane flies because it's self-documenting.

07-15-04, 04:57 PM
The Fishing Groom

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

07-15-04, 04:58 PM
The Lesson

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."

07-15-04, 04:58 PM
Blonde Bar

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

07-15-04, 04:59 PM

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

07-15-04, 04:59 PM
Restroom Trip Policy


An internal audit of employee restroom time (ERT) has found that this company significantly exceeds the national ERT standard recommended by the President's Commission on Productivity and Waste. At the same time, some employees complained about being unfairly singled out for ERT monitoring. Technical Division (TD) has developed an accounting and control system that will solve both problems.

Effective 1 April 1987, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) is established.

A Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be created for each employee. On the first day of each month employees will receive a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 40. The previous policy of unlimited trips is abolished.

Restroom access will be controlled by a computer-linked voice-print recognition system. Within the next two weeks, each employee must provide two voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel. To facilitate familiarity with the system, voice-print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive during the month of April.

Should an employee's RTB balance reach zero, restroom doors will not unlock for his/her voice until the first working day of the following month.

Restroom stalls have been equipped with timed tissue-roll retraction and automatic flushing and door-opening capability. To help employees maximize their time, a simulated voice will announce elapsed ERT up to 3 minutes. A 30-second warning buzzer will then sound. At the end of the 30 seconds the roll of tissue will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. Employees may choose whether they wish to hear a male or a female "voice". A bilingual capability is being developed, but is not yet on-line.

To prevent unauthorized access (e.g., sneaking in behind someone with an RTB surplus, or use of a tape-recorded voice), video cameras in the corridor will record those seeking access to the restroom. However, consistent with the company's policy of respecting the privacy of its employees, cameras will not be operative within the restroom itself.

An additional advantage of the system is its capability for automatic urine analysis (AUA). This permits drug-testing without the demeaning presence of an observer and without risk of human error in switching samples. The restrooms and associated plumbing are the property of the company. Legal Services has advised that there are no privacy rights over voluntarily discarded garbage and other like materials.

In keeping with our concern for employee privacy, participation in AUA is strictly voluntary. But employees who choose to participate will be eligible for attractive prizes in recognition of their support for the company's policy of a drug-free workplace.

Management recognizes that from time to time employees may have a legitimate need to use the restroom. But employees must also recognize that their jobs depend on this company's staying competitive in a global economy. These conflicting interests should be weighed, but certainly not balanced. The company remains strongly committed to finding technical solutions to management problems. We continue to believe that machines are fairer and more reliable than managers. We also believe that our trusted employees will do the right thing when given no other choice.

07-15-04, 05:00 PM
Inventive Cure

A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

07-15-04, 05:17 PM
A Blonde on a Desert Island:

Three friends;a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. one day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says,"Since I can only grant 3 wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF!, the brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then the redhead says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I wish I could go home too". POOF, the redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?". The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here".

07-15-04, 05:25 PM
A Blonde's Death in the Family:

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies,"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day---we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."The blonde very calmly explains,"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks,"Are you going to be OK ? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Phantom Blooper
07-15-04, 06:58 PM
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic

Phantom Blooper
07-15-04, 07:02 PM
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said . . . "Those little bastards."

Phantom Blooper
07-15-04, 07:04 PM
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget
to zip down."

07-15-04, 07:58 PM
I just received a set of patches for the Income Tax Act. Literally. The instructions call them patches.

"The following patch should replace lines 1 through 8 of column 1 on page 931." Cut out along the dotted lines, moisten and affix.

I guess we sometimes forget what patch REALLY means...

07-15-04, 07:58 PM
From the New York Times, 11/7/89:

Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members?

A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you were never a member.

07-15-04, 07:59 PM
Tear down the Wall!

Following the recent events in Europe, the East-Berliner authorities intend to destroy the Wall as soon as possible. In order to leave something for history, they want to build a commemorative monument. Several projects have been proposed by other countries :

o The French offered to ship them the Eiffel Tower

o The American said they would give a piece of the Bay Bridge

o Honecker proposed a hefty concrete monument, about 20 feet high, 40 miles long...

07-15-04, 07:59 PM
Letter From A Concerned Senior Citizen

Dear Sir,
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacations homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein

07-15-04, 08:01 PM
Beats "Wash me"

I was behind a dusty-covered van. Instead of the hackeyed "Wash me," written in the dirt was the following:
"If only my wife was this dirty."

07-15-04, 08:01 PM
This time there will be no photos!

A Wall Street Journal article on 5/13/4 says concerning the prison where photos of Iraqis being abused and humilated by the U.S. Army surfaced, "Gen. Miller said he plans to reduce the prisoner population at Abu Ghraib from the 3,800 who are there now to as few as 1,500 by June 15. In January, there were about 7,000 prisoners at the prison."
No indication about how he plans to reduce it.

07-16-04, 06:36 AM
Wife 1.0

Subject: Bug Report: Wife 1.0

Review of Wife 1.0

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as "Fiancee 1.0". Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING.

It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:

* A "Don't remind me again" button

* Minimize button

* Shutdown feature

* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.


07-16-04, 06:36 AM
Wifespeak: English Translation Guide

--------- ------------------

You want. You want.
We need. I want.
It's your decision. The correct decision should be
obvious by now.
Do what you want. You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead. I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains. and carpeting, and furniture...
I need wedding shoes. The other 40 pairs are the wrong
shade of white.
Hang the picture there. No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really
not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
No No
Maybe No
Yes No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better
get used to it.
I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important.

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such a jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.

07-16-04, 06:37 AM
Wife or Mistress?


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

07-16-04, 06:37 AM
Wild Cuisine

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game...

We eat so much wild game, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year- old daughter looked up and said:

"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

07-16-04, 06:38 AM
Wildlife Stories, Part 1

Stories from records of the National Park System

.... clever creatures

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while
attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of
the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of
wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.

.... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo

In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and
seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake
Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to
have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the
animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe
puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital
in Jackson for treatment.

.... watching for falling rocks

A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit
herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to
protect it from bears.

.... requesting assistance

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the
summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm
brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A
helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from
the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close
she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When
the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

... caring for the creatures

A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at
Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several
Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were
dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood
bark that had fallen off logging trucks.

.... back-seat driving, as always

When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in
Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable
to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove
about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the
backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped
over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in
the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel.

.... all tuckered out from our day hikes

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular
phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm
really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said,
"I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick
me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail
she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really
tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the
ranger said,"her phone battery died."

... taking mementos home with us

Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an
estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings
not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum
fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only
in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time,
rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his
car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified
wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know
how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man

.... ever alert to terrorism

A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite
National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been
blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors
insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see
powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that
a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance--pancake flour--was
strewn about the car."They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the
bear prints," the ranger said.

... ignoring the sage advice of rangers

A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip
in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No Swimming -- Danger -- Alligators." She swam to an island about 75 yards from the
shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see
the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said,
"but I didn't think they applied to me."

07-16-04, 06:38 AM
Wildlife Stories, Part 2

Questions asked at national parks.

"What time do they let the animals out in the park?" --Visitor at Denali
National Park

"Why did the Indians only build ruins?" --Visitor at the Grand Canyon

"What is your best parking area?" --Visitor at Zion National Park

"Where's the road to the summit?" --Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park

"Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?" --Visitor
at Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

07-16-04, 06:39 AM
Wildlife Stories, Part 3

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

07-16-04, 06:39 AM
Will It Be Long?

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

07-16-04, 06:40 AM
Will Work For Food

While stopped at an intersection, I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King.

He was holding a sign that read: "Will work for food."

If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read: "Now Hiring."

07-16-04, 06:40 AM
William Tell

William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.

One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"

07-16-04, 06:40 AM
Winders 98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama
edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside
Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some
help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee
superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke
screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer
is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called
Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive
is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive, and floppies are them little ole
plactic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage
bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank 'er up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done did

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98 (Alabama version):

tiperiter........... A word processor
colering book....... a graphics program
addin mershene...... calculator
outhouse paper ..... notepad
jupe-box ........... CD Player
iner-net............ Microsoft Explorer
pichers............. A graphics viewer
IRS................. M/S accounting software
coon dog............ American kennel club records
fishin.............. Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA................. National Rifle Association
shot gun ........... Remington Arms price list
raffel.............. Winchester price list
pistel.............. Smith & Wesson price list
truck............... Ford & Chevrolet dealers in AL
house............... Nearest Mobile home repair service
core network........ Used Car listing for AL
cuzzins............. family history usually a 1kb file
tax records......... usually an empty file
shells.............. ammunition inventory
bud................. list of Budweiser dealers in AL
rasin............... NASCAR racing schedule
Parts............... nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................ veterinarians in AL
thesaurus........... Barney's home page
spell check......... Physicians visit schedule
highlight........... Chandelier outlets

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Alabama edition of Windows 98. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.

07-16-04, 06:41 AM
Window of Opportunity

A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."

Mr. Brown replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."

Phantom Blooper
07-16-04, 06:42 AM
Q: A gnome, a tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old man are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A: The old man, of course; the other three are all mythical creatures.

07-16-04, 07:27 PM

1. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

2. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

3. Bark or meow occasionally.

4. Hand out free condoms while telling passengers you are working for the Kerry/Edwards campaign.

5. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

6. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

7. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

8. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.

9. Lean over to another passenger and whisper"booger patrol coming".

10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while and then announce,"I'm wearing new underwear."

11. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back,"Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness".

12. Keep moving around elevator, holding your cell phone to ear while repeating, "Can you hear me now! Can you hear me now?".

13. If a beautiful lady with red hair gets on elevator, say"You are one hot chick".

14. Take your shirt off and flex your muscles.

15. With your leashed dog, say, "Oops, does anyone have a poop scooper?".

16. Tap Dance.

17. Wink at all the passengers.

18. Holding a brown paper bag, look inside and shout "Oh no, my pet tarantula escaped!!".

19. Pinch someone!!

20. Ask, "does anyone want to see my newly pierced tongue?"

21. Say to the person next to you, "Hi, I had great sex last night".

07-17-04, 06:19 AM
Window Seats

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."

07-17-04, 06:19 AM
Window Washer

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

07-17-04, 06:19 AM
A Little Windows Bashing

Q: How do you know that a computer is Windows-compatible?
A: It has an extra big reset button.

Q: What are the world's most devastating disasters?
A: Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows '95.

Windows '95 - Every function is a new "reset" function...

Windows NT - Nice Try? Not Today? Never Tested?

Windows NT - Insert your wallet into drive A:
and press any key to empty.

Windows - Turn your Pentium to a Gameboy!

Windows NT - A virus with mouse support.

If Windows is user-friendly, why does it have a manual with 678 pages?

Hit your computer on the left side to restart Windows NT.

Microsoft virus scan has detected Merlin! Remove? Y,Y

I'll never forget when I ran Windows for the first time... but I try.


What the "95" in Windows 95 really stands for:

The number of disks that it is delivered on.

Percentage of people who must buy a faster computer after Windows 95

Number of megabytes Windows will need for its minimum installation.

Number of pages you must read in the user handbook to perform the

Percentage of your programs that won't work with Windows.

Number of minutes the Windows installation takes.

Number of times you must call Microsoft support to get the OS to work.

Number of seconds Win 95 will run until it crashes.


New functionality in Windows NT

* Multitasking - You can crash several programs at the same time.

* Built-in networking system - You can crash several computers at the
same time.

* Microsoft Network - Chat with other people about your system crash

* PNP - Plug and Pray.

* Multimedia - Experience a PC crash with great graphics and sounds.

* Compatible with your other programs - it crashes them, too.

07-17-04, 06:20 AM
Is Windows a Virus?

So, is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing the system down - Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - Okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh ... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

1. Viruses are well supported by their authors.

2. Viruses are running on most systems.

3. Their program code is fast, compact and efficient.

4. They tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

Therefore, Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

07-17-04, 06:21 AM
Windows 2000

If you play the Windows 2000 CD-ROM backwards, you'll hear a satanic message. That's frightening. Even more frightening is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows 2000.

07-17-04, 06:21 AM
Windows 2000 Announcement

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

07-17-04, 06:21 AM
Windows 98 Guide

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully.

Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded.

You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard.Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10,000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as a single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, or retina scan, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).


07-17-04, 06:22 AM
Windoze 98

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you
again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 98
operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every
human being on the planet that Windows 98 was an essential, some would
say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.
Specifically, I hadn't. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 98.
And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't
take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 98
from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
said. "And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes,
which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run
OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people
who just have no USE for Windows 98."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this "use" thing you're going on
about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish?"


"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get
them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 98 very small windows in the box," the
Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to
Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute,
but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point
is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect
me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."


"Oh, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you
what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your
computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal, but I don't NEED it. And frankly,
your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a
computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are
advertising it like it creates world peace or something."

"It did."


"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button
access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive.
We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't
figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish!
Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had.
We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But
we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's
embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's
embarassing to Bill."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those
military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those
high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey

"He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows 98 by

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said
nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no
choice. If you take this copy of Windows 98, we will reward you
handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does
Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows
98, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That
would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 98....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
laser, and then nothing.

07-17-04, 06:22 AM
Wine List

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

07-17-04, 06:22 AM

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

07-17-04, 06:23 AM
Wine Without Whine

Glossary of Selected Wine Terms

I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to free you from feelings of inadequacy that have been haunting you since sometime in your teens. I'm going to fill you in on the greatest scam ever perpetrated upon the consuming public. I'm going to tell you what I know about wine.

The bottom line is that wine tastes awful. It's just grape juice gone bad. All the millions of poor slobs dutifully disguising the revolted pucker behind looks of thoughtful analysis, parroting gibberish of which they've no idea of the meaning, studying for hours so as not to be humiliated by menial restaurant employees once again, have fallen for a complex and insidious canard (see COLD DUCK). An "acquired taste" they call it. Well, you could *acquire* a taste for Ivory soap.

Herewith is a glossary of selected wine terms and what they really mean:

APPELLATION CONTROLEE: French for "Trust me"

AROMA: A bad smell that comes from the grapes; See BOUQUET

BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU: Wine so awful that it isn't worth aging.

BOUQUET: A bad smell that's added during processing; See NOSE

BRUT: Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back. Or a wine dealer. From the Latin, "Et tu, Brute"

CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE: The pope's new house was paid for by swindling buyers into paying the price for this wine.

DRY: Hurts your throat while swallowing.

FRUITY: Tastes like children's cough medicine. See ROBUST

NOBLE ROT: What well-born wine snobs talk.

NOSE: The total effect of AROMA and BOUQUET; something you wish you could hold while drinking.

ROBUST: Tastes like cough medicine. See FRUITY

ROSE: Many people mistakenly pronounce this to rhyme with Jose. A term for a pinkish wine, named for what an early commentator said his gorge did when he tasted it.

VARIETAL: Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins.

VINTAGE: How many years we've been trying to get rid of this rotgut.

07-17-04, 06:23 AM
The Winner

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, daddy, you get the toy."

07-17-04, 06:24 AM
Winning Numbers

On a recent vacation, I came upon the following news item in the March 15 Blue Springs, Missouri, Examiner:


ST. LOUIS -- The winning numbers drawn Tuesday night in the daily Missouri Lottery Pick 3 game were 9-9-9.

A winning $1 ticket with the numbers in the correct order paid $500; a winning $1 ticket with the numbers in any order paid $160.

07-17-04, 07:50 PM
***** So What’s The Problem*****
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

07-17-04, 07:50 PM
***** So Heard on an Airline*****

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

07-17-04, 07:51 PM
***** Our Crazy Legal System*****

December 1997: Kara Alton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

07-17-04, 07:51 PM

My border collie, named Shelby, is only 10 months old, so she's full of energy. Two days before Christmas, Shelby was happily playing with her ball. (The ball is hollow with a tiny hole so air can get in and out, and inside there's a bell) All of a sudden, Shelby became very agitated, so we asked her "Where's your ball?". She went to the bathroom door and whined. So she lost her ball in the bathroom, right? Well, you could say that. My sister went to use the washroom (number 1 only) and when she flushed the toilet, water began gushing out like the toilet was a freakin' geyser! Apparently Shelby had become thirsty and in getting a nice, cold drink, she inadvertently dropped the ball directly in the toilet. Long story short, we had to get a new toilet that night. The ball was so stuck that my father couldn't reach it in any way. So he took the sledgehammer and had a great time smashing the toilet off the floor. See, he's a mechanic, so he fastened the toilet to the floor with truck springs, so he couldn't just remove the toilet.

The best part about this story? This was my sister's boyfriend's first time in our house.

07-17-04, 07:52 PM

when my cat, bullet, was a little over 6 months old he was playing with a plastic grocery sack, tossing it in the air, rolling around in it, generally making a toy out yet one more free thing. Upon one of his "rolls in the sack" he got stuck. He took off running as fast as he can through the house with two of the handles behind his front legs and two of the handles in front of his hind legs, hissing like crazy. Thinking the bag was out to get him!!! To this day when you walk up behind him and barely move a plastic bag he jumps pretty far in the air, hisses and takes off running.

There you have it, crazy kitty jollies!!

07-17-04, 07:52 PM

What's the funniest thing I've seen my pet do? Well, the first month after I brought my cat, George, home from the animal shelter, she would get in the habit of jumping onto the bed at night, after I had myself settled in. After several days of waking up to find her staring at me intently, pushing the snooze alarm on my clock-radio, and catching a few more minutes of sleep, something strange occurred. Instead of pushing the button on my clock-radio, I turned over and planned to ignore it instead. Well, George climbed over me, jumped onto my desk next to the bed, and put her front paws on the clock-radio, directly over the snooze-alarm button. She then turned to face me, jumped up onto me, and curled up and slept on my shoulder. While she doesn't do that a lot, every time she hits that button, it amazes me.

Phantom Blooper
07-17-04, 08:43 PM
Marsha was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to
take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking
for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, Marsha shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go
and give it a try, why don'cha!"

Marsha turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined
to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is
driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that
same woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature . . .and, with a
great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying near by
were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed
silence. Just then, Marsha struggles and flips the gator on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out, "Damn! This one is barefoot, too!"

Phantom Blooper
07-17-04, 08:51 PM
A man exiting a grocery store was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying "Good evening!"

Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look. He couldn't remember having ever seen her before.

Then she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized

She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children."

She walked on her way into the store. The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children looks like."

However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors, but also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.

A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?" "Could it be that I really fathered a child?"

Still stunned, he walked to his car. He still did not realize, of course,that....................................... .........................
......she was a second grade teacher.

07-18-04, 08:25 AM
Wiper Blades

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

07-18-04, 08:26 AM

You might be from Wisconsin if ...

you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
snow tires come standard on all your cars...
at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
you can identify a Michigan accent...
you know what "cow-tipping" is.....
"Down South" to you means Chicago...
a brat is something you eat ...
you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.....
you have no problem spelling Milwaukee..
you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon...
you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school
You know that Gotham is a real city...
You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc...
the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
you go out for fish fry on every Friday...
you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home
wearing shorts...
when you tell someone where you are from and they say:
'I thought that was part of Canada...
your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
you know how to polka....
you think that Lutheran and Catholic ARE the major religions.....
formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
you know where Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...
you have more fishing poles than teeth...
you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on
a weekend...

07-18-04, 08:26 AM
Wisconsin Dictionary, Part 1

1. AIN-A-HEY: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't it?"

2. BART: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see"Vince").

3. BELIEVE-YOU-ME: attached to the beginning or end of a statement, makes it more credible; as in, "Really!"

4. BLAZE-ORANGE: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau Field. Also a popular color for jail uniforms.

5. BORN IN A BARN?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open or could not correctly differentiate between an alewive and a 'schmelt'

For the curious: several people emailed me to ask "what is alewive and a 'schmelt'?" Well, they are fish. The alewife/alewive (pronounced awl-wif) is a small herring-like fish and "schmelt" is a corrupted pronunciation of "smelt", the common name for a small, slender fish, also called the icefish, it averages 10 in. (25 cm) in length and 1 lb (.45 kg) in weight.

6. BORROW: used in place of lend, as in, "Could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks, yahhey?"

7. BRAT: a sausage; a Wisconsin tail gate favorite; doesn't have anything to do with a spoiled kid.

8. BUBBLER: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.

9. BUDGE: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"

10. BY: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's" or, "She'll come by da house tonight."

11. CHEDDARHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."

12. CHEESEHEAD: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."

13. CHEESE CURD: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them.

14. COMEER ONCE: a request for the presence of another Cheddarhead.

15. COUPLE-TWO-TREE: more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."

16. CRIPES: a Wisconsin expletive.

17. CRIPES-SAKE: a mild Wisconsin expletive.

18. CRIPES-SAKES-ALMIGHTY: a wild Wisconsin expletive.

19. DA: substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in, "Da guy over dere in da Bears shirt dere."

20. DAVENPORT: what your mom called "the sofa"; a couch.

07-18-04, 08:27 AM
Wisconsin Dictionary, Part 2

21. FAIR-TA-MIDDLIN: not bad or great, just"O.K."

22. FISH FRY: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.

23. FLEET FARM: a Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.

24. FROZEN TUNDRA: Lambeau Field.

25. GEEEZ!: another Wisconsin expletive.

26. GOAHEAD: proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car dere."

27. GOTS: used in place of "have" as in,"I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da frozen Tundra."

28. GOL-DURN: another Wisconsin expletive.

29. HEY: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in, "Hey, how 'bout dem Packers?" or "Hows about dem Packers, Hey!"

30. HOWS-BY-YOU?: a greeting; the same as, "How's everything?"

31. HUMDINGER: a beauty; as in "dat croppy youse caught up-nort is a real humdinger."

32. JOHN DEERE: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.

33. LEAKER: (n)one who lacks the mental or physical stamina to continue partying.

34. M'WAKEE: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from T'rivers and Man'twoc.

35. N-SO?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; (sometimes pronounced as AIN-SO), used as a substitute for "isn't that right?" or "Correct?"

36. OH,YAH: depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as "That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).

37. PERT-NEER (sometimes pronounced "PRET-NEAR"): in close Proximity; just about.

38. POLKA: the national dance of Wisconsin.

39. RUBBERS: protection for your shoes; also known as "G'loshes."

40. SCANSIN: the state where Cheeseheads are from.

07-18-04, 08:27 AM
Wisconsin Dictionary, Part 3

41. SCHMEAR: a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead.

42. SHEEPSHEAD: another card game.

43. SIDE-BY-EACH: used instead of "next to each other."

44. SKEETER: Wisconsin's state bird.

45. START WIT ME LAST: to forfeit your turn.

46. STOP-AND-GO LIGHTS: what everyone else refers to as traffic Signals.

47. UFF-DAH: (from the untranslatable Norwegian phrase) its meaning varies with severity of incident - from "Oops" to "Criminey" to words following "Oh----!" Often said when you make a really big mistake.

48. UN-THAW: to defrost or thaw.

49. WHERE-ABOUTS: locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse-guys from?"

50. UP NORT: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.

51. UP-SIDE-RIGHT: rightside up.

52. VINCE: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for instant recognition; (see "Bart").

53. WIH-SKON'-TSUN: the way you can tell the speaker is not a real Wisconsinite.

54. YAH-HEY: affirmative, but can be added reinforce a request.

55. YAH-SURE-YOU-BETCHA: yes, you are correct.

56. YOU-BETCHA: affirmative, as in "Yah-hey."

57. YOUSE (var."Yoose"): pronoun, second person plural.

58. YOOPER: someone from even further up-nort' than you.

07-18-04, 08:27 AM
Wisdom That Comes With Age

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

07-18-04, 08:28 AM
A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

07-18-04, 08:28 AM

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off.

Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."


07-18-04, 08:28 AM
Wishful Thinking 1


From your auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire - No charge."

From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your
purchases with a pencil and paper."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up
at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete
refund - whichever you prefer."

From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name,
but since you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

07-18-04, 08:29 AM
Wishful Thinking 2


From a telemarketing person:
"I'm sorry, did I reach you at a bad time? Here's my number...
just call me back if you would like to hear my sales pitch."
"I understand that you are not interested.
Thank you for your time." "Click" (Them hanging up)

From your boss:
"You look tired today. Take the rest of the day off."
"The company offered me a 25% raise, but I told them that
you deserved it more than I do."

From your teacher/professor:
"Homework is unproductive and too time consuming."
"I do not like teaching assistants, so I will be available
at all times to answer your questions."

From a tech support technition:
"Just press the space bar and everything will be fine."

From your doctor:
"You in better shape than someone half your age!"
"This is such an interesting case, I'll treat you for free
just for the learning experience."
"Take this pill once a month and you'll be at your perfect
weight without excercise or changing your diet."

From your parents:
"Curfew?! What curfew?"
"We'll pay for our grandchildren's college education."
"You seem to know exactly what you are doing.
I have no advice to offer."

From the Psychic Hotline:
"I see that you will be scammed out of a lot of money
in the near future."

From a telephone answering system:
"If you would like to speak to a human being, press one."

From a clothing salesperson:
No, that looks too big. Let's try a smaller size."

From the IRS:
"We mad a mistake. You only received half of what your
tax return should have been."

From President Clinton:
"I plead guilty, your honor."

07-18-04, 08:29 AM
Wives Go Fishing

* Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it still seems
to me that the boot you caught yesterday put up more of a
fight than that inner tube you caught today."
- - - - -

* While I've not been very many times, I do enjoy deep sea
fishing and have been fairly lucky in catching some good ones.
To give you an idea, one time I caught a Marlin so big, it
took a power winch to land it and a crane to get it off of the
boat. There were no scales large enough to weigh it, but to
give you an inkling of just how large it was, Mrs. JimJr took
a photo of the fish, and the picture weighed 7 pounds.
I would have had it mounted, but none of the walls in our
home were big enuff to display it.
- - - - -

* Wife to her husband returning from a weekend fishing trip:
"Gesundheit ! What else did you catch ?"
- - - - -

* Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:
"I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and
too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and I
caught more than he did."
- - - - -

* Shivering wife to husband while ice fishing: "Tell me again how
much fun we're having -- I keep forgetting."
- - - - -

07-18-04, 08:30 AM
The Wizard's Parking Space

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad.

07-18-04, 08:30 AM
A Woman's Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but
he "made the dinner".

Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (cloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a
half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take with you to
the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space---if he goes in, he isn't coming out
anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.....!

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you
try to remove it.

07-18-04, 08:31 AM
A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts

Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that special gift for the man in your life!

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

07-18-04, 07:24 PM
Clinton Recycling Sex

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."

07-18-04, 07:25 PM
The Power Of Imagination

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

07-18-04, 07:25 PM
Results-Oriented Man

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

07-18-04, 07:26 PM
Bad Taste

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

07-18-04, 07:27 PM
Buford Has Shingles

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here's what happened to Buford...Buford walked INTO a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what hehad..... Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told himto have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had...... Buford said, "Shingles."So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram; told Buford to take off all his clothes and waitfor the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor said, Where?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

07-19-04, 08:31 AM
CIA test

--> The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take you wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

07-19-04, 08:51 AM
A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts (A Man's Perspective)

Ladies, with the holidays coming, this is going to be a big help in selecting that special gift for the man in your life!

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #1: Cordless drill batteries wear out after a couple of years, and instead of buying 2 replacement batteries for $47 each, buy a new cordless drill kit with 2 batteries for $89! You get a new cordless drill plus two fresh batteries for less than the cost of two replacement batteries. To really excel, find out if the new battery types are compatible with the older style; you'll really score huge points for that one.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #1: That is not why men love cordless drills. I'm talking lust. For years we wanted them, hating the pesky cords. After we finally get one, the passion doesn't die. More, more. I'd use them in both hands, slapping batteries in like a clip into a full automatic. Take that you dirty picture hanging job. You too, low down deck planking. Besides, there are always new, better ones. Think of it as women and their shoes?

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #2: You can NEVER have too many tools; duplicates of every tool means a ready replacement for breakage or if you have to twist in alternating directions with both hands.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #2: Breakage? We just need more because that's what more means. That and so we can actually find one of the suckers when we need one.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #3: Cars can be construed (by guys) as mechanical works of art. Better to buy anything to clean or wax it with (e.g., special "auto detergent", a new type of carnuba wax, an orbital buffer, etc.). Don't buy dangly key chain thingies, or anything that might be considered a little "foo foo"; guys hate foo foo.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #3: We like it when you care about what we care about. He's right about the foo-foo.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #4: Right, correct, and absolutely. Men are not really interested in dressing up like a lady does. Instead, buy him sweats (a matching pair with the logo of his favorite sports team), or something in woodland camouflage.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #4: Dressing us up is going the wrong way. Besides, isn't that just another way of trying to change us?

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #5: 'Nuff said...

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #5: Can't argue here.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Tom's Explanation of Rule #6: That's so true. At my house, everything like that, accrued over the past 20 years, has been relegated to a shelf in the garage.

Brad's Comments to Tom's Explanation to Rule #6: Somehow, the mood is never upon us to try drinking something new and wierd. We're funny like that.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #7: Not interested in smelling nice; get him a quart container of "Gunk Waterless Cleaner" instead.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #7: Not smelling nice is just somebody else's problem.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #8: Order IS beauty ... everyone knows that. For the technological man in your household, get him one of the electronic labelmakers that can change the font, the size, the color ribbon, etc., and it prints instead of impacts the letters.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #8: Men like order? Take out, maybe? We just like getting credit for accomplishing something even if it isn't really anything.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Tom's Explanation to Rule #9: I don't know about that. Part of being a man is the challenge of creating something "from scratch". Who really needs directions, anyway? Men have an inborn ability to KNOW how things go together. So there are a few parts left over. I never let a little thing like that stop me!

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Guy's Explanation to Rule #10: A '68 Fairlane may be a little limited; something infinitely better is a barely used 4 barrel Holley carb off a 454 SHO. It may even be adaptable to a lawn tractor.

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Guy's Explanation to Rule #11: Plus a knit cap, Gore-Tex cooking gloves, Teflon coated metal or titanium cooking utensils, a 15 lb. chemical fire extinguisher that'll fit a NASCAR roll cage mounting bracket, etc.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #11: Fire, smoke, hot steel. What's not to like?

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #12: "Quilts? Ummm, I need to change the oil in the truck and give it a tune-up, but you go ahead without me..."

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #12: Do you need help under that truck?

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #13: Chainsaws are a "coming of age" tool for a man, much like a first pickup truck or a 30-06 rifle. A corollary: If you chose to get him a chainsaw, get him the biggest or next to the biggest chainsaw you can find; preferably the type used up in the Yukon or Canadian territories. Get the bright orange & white Stihl 24-incher or the bright red Husqvarna with a massive wood hook to jam into the log while cutting. Never mind that he'll only ever use it to cut up the firewood he already bought in small chunks; it'll actually become a conversation piece among his friends, and soon every other wife will have you to thank for buying him his chainsaw pride & joy.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #13: It is not a thing a man will buy for himself, it has to be awarded.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #14: Step ladders are for changing light bulbs. Real work requires the ability to extend to the peak of your roof from the side of the house, even if you could use a 12 footer to get over the low side. You never know when you'll have to install a new satellite system. A minimum of 24', Class IA extension ladder in either aluminum or fiberglass.

Brad's Comments to Guy's Explanation to Rule #14: We just don't need a step ladder. A chair or table will do. When we have to stack 10 or 12 up..... THEN we need an extension ladder.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Guy's Explanation to Rule #15: Rope is a universal tool. You can pull a disabled car to the garage, remove an engine block, tie down a load of lumber, or lift a heavy item straight to the second floor without going through the house. Best purchase would be 100+ feet of 10mm climbing rope that can be used for rappelling on weekends or building a rope bridge.

07-19-04, 08:52 AM
A Woman's Wish List

"What I Want In A Man"
(Original List)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

(Revised List)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks
8. Knows not to buy champange with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

07-19-04, 08:52 AM
Are Women Smarter Than Men?

What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman? Intelligence. Well, I have recently realized that we men are deluded. Forget Mars. Forget Venus. We are from high school and women are from grad school. Why do I say this? Is it something having to do with perceived differences in maturity levels? Not in the slightest. It all has to do with the simple fact that women are smarter than men.

Think about it, guys. How do you make your muscles stronger? Exercise them. Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things in life, men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are getting a full cardiovascular workout.

Men have ONE shoe size. I'm a 10.5 wide. Simple. Women... well it depends. They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where was it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring? What was the geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a happy or a sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its 4th house and the shoe-shopping mission has been completed.

Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32:30 or 34:32 or something simple, basically the waist and inseam. But ask a woman... "I'm a size 5 on the eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the tarot cards advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."

And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the fact that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different ones in each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons. They carry portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a variation of one hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the difference between eggshell white, bone white, and navajo white? Darned if I know, but a woman does.

Men just aren't good with colors. J.C. Penney occasionally has those ads with the regular guy and the male models, and he finds out he can dress like them because of Penney's new fashion line for men that allows us to coordinate an outfit by matching the tags inside the clothes. You know what this is, don't you? It's Grrranimals for grown-ups. Tiger coat, tiger shirt, tiger pants, and you're ready to step out the door.

Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women. Ecru, taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male vocabulary. They are inserted there after associating with women, sort of like the medical terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say them and sound cool, but you don't know what they actually mean. Take the tibula for example. I think it's in the leg... and I would assume it's bone white.

And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men don't carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse? You want a purse? You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's right. We can barely handle briefcases. That's why every article of our clothing has a pocket. But still, even with just a couple of pockets, like if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, you will at some time or another become an amateur cop. Just observe yourself the next time you can't find your keys. As you start looking around the room, you'll do a pat-down search. Essentially, you're frisking yourself.

But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into her purse. My mom used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared into that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted geranium, a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case the dryer ran out, I guess)... I just figured that Mom was God in training. She was collecting matter until she had enough for another big bang and then she was going to start her own universe.

In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most women don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married, because they don't want to scare off any easily manipulated men until they've got us. That's why single women started wearing those little backpacks. They told us it was fashion, but it's a trick. They thought they could fool us. They took all those big purses and turned them into little backpacks. Very clever.

So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an important quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can dress herself with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she carries a purse (or she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent, she's smarter than you. And if you should somehow end up getting the impression she's not intelligent enough ... that just means she doesn't like you.

07-19-04, 08:52 AM
Women Drivers

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dumb makeup!!!

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and disconnected an important call!


07-19-04, 08:53 AM
Women in History

And in recognition of "Women in History" month, does anyone know the true significance of Sacajawea's involvement in the Lewis & Clark expedition?

It was the first documented trip in history where men asked a woman for directions and followed them, allowing them to arrive at their destination.

07-19-04, 08:53 AM
The Wonderful Son-In-Law

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

07-19-04, 08:53 AM
Wood Turning

My wife came in today and asked if I would go do some wood turning on the lathe.

"Ah," I asked, "what do you need? Maybe a new dibber or possibly a rolling pin or a vase? I have Persimmon, Hickory, Mesquite, a little bit of Walnut and a tad of Oak. What would you like?"

"Oh, I don't care. I need about six bags of shavings for the flower beds."

07-19-04, 08:54 AM
Virus Alert

There is a new virus out there and its already infected virtually every computer in the land. It infects word processing programs and is active across all platforms and operating systems.

How can you tell if you have been infected? Carefully proofread any document longer than 250 words then print it. Were there errors in the printed version? Of course there were. But it wasn't your fault!

This virus places random grammatical and punctuation errors into documents at the time of printing. Its devilishly clever because it also inserts the identical errors into the screen version of the document at the same time. Whats even worse, it is inconsistent in terms of both number and types of errors inserted across days. Naturally, you think you just missed the mistakes while proofreading. But now you know better. Unfortunately, there is no way to disinfect your machine - you just have to live with it.

07-19-04, 08:54 AM
Words Are Tools

Words are tools of communication. Unfortunately, words often have different meanings for different people. Here are some examples.....

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn we assume you will have forgotten it, too.

A program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion.

Channels - The trail left by interoffice memos.

Coordinator - The guy who has a desk between two expediters.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

To activate - To make copies and add more names to the memo.

To implement a program - Hire more people and expand the office.

Under consideration - Never heard of it.

Under active consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

In the earliest stage of finalization - Haven't started it yet.

A meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A conference - A place where conversation is substituted by the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

To negotiate - To seek a meeting of the minds without knocking together of heads.

Re-orientation - Getting used to work again.

Reliable source - The guy you just met.

Informed source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

Unimpeachable source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

A clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

We are making a survey - We need more time to think of an answer.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

See me, or Let's discuss - Come down to my office. I'm lonesome.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

We will advise you in due course - If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

To give someone the picture - A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

07-19-04, 08:55 AM
Work Ethic

I always believe in giving 100% at work:

* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

07-19-04, 08:55 AM
Work in the 90's

You Know You Work In the '90s When....

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his
ideas into a matrix.

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

07-19-04, 09:31 AM

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every
time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if
she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new
car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"*******S!" she yelled.......

The French National Anthem began to play..... sung by the DixieChicks......

07-19-04, 11:07 PM
The boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the ******* spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the ******* being the boss. The ******* got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the ******* be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the ******* just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old *******.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single *******.

07-19-04, 11:07 PM
Call in sick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.

07-19-04, 11:08 PM
Lucky baby

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

07-19-04, 11:09 PM
A blond male

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

07-19-04, 11:10 PM
Roughest hooker

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

07-19-04, 11:11 PM
Who am I

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed at least four or five times."

07-20-04, 06:39 AM
Working for the Family

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

07-20-04, 06:39 AM
Working For the Government

You know you work for the government when:

1. The process becomes more important than the product.

2. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

3. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

4. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

5. You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

6. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

7. You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.

8. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor, but the same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.)

9. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

07-20-04, 06:39 AM
Working for Jesus

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon... What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"

07-20-04, 06:40 AM
Workplace Guidlines

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Way to go, Possum-Boy."

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Bring in food that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.

Put shaving foam on your supervisor's telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say "Sqwish."

Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.

07-20-04, 06:40 AM
World Standards Day

Reported in "Open Systems Today", 10/31/94
(No comment necessary):

"The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated Oct. 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards.

The United States celebrated World Standards Day on Oct. 11; Finland celebrated on Oct. 13; and Italy celebrated on Oct. 18."

07-20-04, 06:40 AM
World's Shortest Limericks

Here are two of the world's shortest limericks:

There once was a man from Purdue
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

(And, of course, there is a sequel . . .)

There once was a man from Verdun.

07-20-04, 06:41 AM
World's Strongest Man

The local pub was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "No, I'm a tax collector."

07-20-04, 06:41 AM
Worst Convenience Foods

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.


07-20-04, 06:42 AM
Would You Be Scared?

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

07-20-04, 06:43 AM
A Wrinkle in Time

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"


07-20-04, 06:43 AM
Writing Home the Easy Way

Dear Parent(s), Date: ___________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most
of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!


__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild


__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals


__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)


__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training


__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence


__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").

07-20-04, 06:44 AM
Wrong Feet?

A true story...

My 3 year old son put his shoes on by himself. I noticed that they were on backwards.

I said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at me with a raised brow and said " Don't kid me Mom, I KNOW they're my feet!"

07-20-04, 06:43 PM
3 Sick Soldiers...

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

07-20-04, 06:43 PM
The Night Before Payback!

Twas the night before Payback...

'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

07-20-04, 06:44 PM
Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

07-20-04, 06:44 PM
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

07-20-04, 06:45 PM
Mars and Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

07-20-04, 06:46 PM
On Sale Now!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

07-20-04, 06:46 PM
At the Bull acution.

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

07-20-04, 06:47 PM
You be the Judge!

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

07-20-04, 06:48 PM
The best bar in the world...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

07-21-04, 08:14 AM
The X-mas Files

57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, PA
11:51 PM, December 24th

We're too late! It's already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir,
truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly, stockings hung by the chimney,
with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's OK. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out
who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who
could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered
servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this
create is said to descend from the heavens to reward its
followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of

But that's legend, Mulder - a story told by parents to
frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. check out the bite
marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this
plate of cookies was massive - and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. and look, Mulder, this milk
glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop
its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors
and windows were locked. THere's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge create
landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.
The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions
at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was
a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long
white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its
bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror.
I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on
the facial features of my father.


I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought
me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a
Mr. Potato Head!

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the
laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural
being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good
little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you
understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close
the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping.
It knows when you're awake.

But we have no proof.

Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected
bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White
House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo, in Washing, D.C. Nobody -
not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government
doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear
that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy.
Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the
world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.
They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Mulder, I -

Sh-h-h. do you hear what I hear?

On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.

The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

07-21-04, 08:14 AM
Yankee Dogs vs Southern Dawgs

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

07-21-04, 08:14 AM
Yeah, That'll Work

This technician's company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p.m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it's supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician says.

He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells our tech.

We could find out those numbers eventually, he figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.

"Right", says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"

07-21-04, 08:15 AM
Year 2000 News Anchor Desk

(Evening news headlines . . . January 1, 2000 . . . anchor desk copy)

Good evening, and welcome to the Microsoft Evening News:

President-elect Bill Gates was under fire again today for alleged tampering with Internet ballots. Gates issued a brief statement (59 k), noting that a bug was found in ballot versions 3.0 and lower, causing all votes for his opponent to be counted for him. Microsoft is working on the problem, and should be issuing Microsoft Ballot 4.0 in time for the next election. Vice-president Michael Jordan, coming off a twenty-eight point performance against the Knicks last night, had no comment.

In Los Angeles, O.J. Simpson's 10th civil trial began today, with Judge Judy presiding. In related news, Simpson has filed suit against Bruno Maglie, and Maglie is suing Simpson. Representing Simpson is attorney and former Baywatch star Pamela Lee Anderson Simpson.

American tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has done the unthinkable, releasing a report today admitting that cigarette smoke "doesn't smell that good." The American Cancer Society issued a terse response, claiming "We give up, people are idiots."

In entertainment news, The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince now wants to be known as Andy. Early this morning and just after completing his performance last night in Times Square, Andy commented on the millennium date controversy. "Now that we've just party'd because it was 1999, I'm going to sleep like it was the day after. Who says the new millennium isn't really until 2001? No one asked me! " His new release pays homage to the Rolling Stones and is titled "I can only get no satisfaction from myself" is due out in March, 2000.

In economic news, The Dow Jones closed up 7001 points today to a new record high of 32000 today. The Federal Reserve Board has declared all paper money worthless as of today. Microsoft closed up an eighth.

The weather forecast for New York and the rest of the East Coast -- a gorgeous winter day, with highs approaching 97 near the beaches, dropping to a low of 95 tonight.

Finally, in the landmark censorship case "U.S. vs. Howard Stern" the Supreme Court today ruled 10-2 that people should turn off the radio if they are offended by what they hear. It is unclear what this will mean for the Internet.

That's the news, and don't forget, coming up next on MSNBCCBSABCFOX, the hilarious new CyberTeleSatelitteDVD-ROM sitcom "Mad About Friends Being Married With Children Named Seinfeld In The NYPD Blue-Files" The show is now also available on Nintendo 256 with the Oprah AI feature, and MicroIntelSoft's Mmmm Good Inside Hot Pocket Portable.

07-21-04, 08:15 AM
Y-to-K, A Blonde Solution

A report from a blonde programming team to the Y2K project management ...

Our staff has completed the 3 kears of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem. We have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December


Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.


Kears were a breeze, since thek are onlk spelled out in the Legal department's applications, and won't be effected until two thousand and twentk ankwak.

I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made ank sense to us. But we understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in ank wak possible. And what does the kear 2000 have to do with it?

We'll await kour answer."


07-21-04, 08:15 AM
YzeroK - The Change from BC to AD

While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered parchment.

After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister fastorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 1 B.C., January 7 -- or 2000 years ago (remember, there was no year zero). The text of the message follows:

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.


07-21-04, 08:16 AM
Y1K Crisis!

Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, had hardly been heard of by anyone.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND' contains the word 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we would always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- the Latin word for 'Thousand' is 'Mille' - which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or distance!"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water.


07-21-04, 08:16 AM

I have finally discovered the truth about all this Y2K hype. It was a really a deception to get our eyes off the real problem.

The real problem is Y10K. Yes, in the year 10,000 we will need 5 digits to display the date. And now we have spent all this money on fixing the computers and we are still left with systems that can only display a 4 digit date.

When Y10K hits, computers will think it is the year 0000. When I tried to bring this up to some people in the industry they laughed at me. And said no way they were going to invest more money, after spending all that they have spent already to fix Y2K.

So here we are just sitting waiting for the computer meltdown in the year 10,000.

All I can say is I am getting ready. It is never too early to start planning. I am working on designing a line of freeze dried foods that will last 8,000 years. So be sure to check back on our web site for updates on availability and we will give you the best prices around.

Just felt I had to warn everyone.

Have a great day :-)

Also, never-used generator for sale, along with 6 months worth of dried food, a swimming pool full of drinkable water, and 140,000 rounds of ammunition. Cheap.

07-21-04, 08:17 AM
Y2K Backup System

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.

Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input.

Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).

Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)

Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.

Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.

The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device.

The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.

This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

07-21-04, 08:17 AM
Y2K - Best Ways to Prepare

1. Fatten up your closest friends. You may need them later. (Just think "mmm, filet of Steve")

2. Run to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be sure to yell, "I'm going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as I can carry!"

3. Have a ski mask and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss out on all the looting fun.

4. Dig an underground bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster, at least you'll have an underground bomb shelter. How cool is that?

5. Protect your water supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in every container.

6. Get some carrier pigeons. They'll be your best form of communication. They also taste like chicken.

7. Get one of those Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power failure, who's gonna know what time it is? You are, that's who.

8. Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's new currency.

9. Punch a computer programmer. Why? Why not?

10. Have plenty of clean towels. It's not specific to any millenial disaster, but when have you ever not needed clean towels?

11. Get used to changing the TV channel by hand. Remote controls will be totally inoperable.

12. Stock up on cat food. No, it's not for feeding cats. It's for catching them (if you know what I mean).

13. Have plenty of sharp #2 pencils on hand. Due to computing errors, you may have to re-take your SAT's.

14. Throw out your microwave and VCR. On January 1st, they may come alive and try to kill you.

15. Collect all the spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons are everywhere. But after January 1st, who knows?

16. Move to Canada. Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.

17. Visit a fertility clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish the earth.

18. Make friends with the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're all Amish.

19. Hunker down. Then hunker down some more. We just like to say "Hunker Down." Try it, it's fun!

20. Break it to your kids that the world may end. Start by telling them there is no Santa Claus. That way, the news won't seem so bad.

21. Save all your Christmas Wrapping. It doubles as toilet paper.

22. Crawl into the fetal position and practice screaming: We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

23. Stock up on earplugs. If you hear "Party Like it's 1999" one more time, you will go insane.

24. Pray. This won't do any good if you're in advertising. They're all going to hell regardless.

07-21-04, 08:18 AM
Y2K Buck (uh, Bug)

By now, we have all heard of the Y2K Bug, however few people are aware of the Y2K Buck. It can strike anyywhere! And, worse yet, it is striking even before the year 2000.

If you are not sure about your money then send it to me and I will check the it with my special Y2K Buck Checking Software. If the money is Y2K compliant, I will send it back to you with an authentic letter of Y2K compliance.

Any money which is not Y2K compliant will be disposed of properly. Trust me!

Send your money now, before the Y2K Buck Strikes You!!!!!

07-21-04, 08:18 AM
Y2K - The Bunker

Bob sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on.

"So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie, huh?"

"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."


07-21-04, 08:19 AM
Y2K and Duct Tape

The Duct Tape Guys Predict:

In the Year 2000, the ozone layer will be gone, leaving everyone vulnerable to harmful UV rays. To be safe, simply duct tape your entire body with brown duct tape for an inexpensive, melanoma-free tan (and it also works as a nifty hair-removal system).

Kids, don't try this at home!

07-21-04, 11:56 AM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking

Old Lady #1: What's that?

Old Lady #2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Old Lady #1: Where did you get it?

Old Lady #2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady #1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The Pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She replies it doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

07-21-04, 05:16 PM
Selfish Or Wise?

A woman was confroted by a genius and asked to make three wishes but any wish made, her husband recieves double of what she gets. Her three wishes were:

1) I want to be the prettiest lady and she became the prettiest lady.

2) I want to be the richest woman.

3) I want to have a mild heart attack!

07-21-04, 05:17 PM
Oceans Of Blondes

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."

07-21-04, 05:17 PM
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

07-21-04, 05:18 PM
Lettuce and Tomato

This guy has to baby-sit his litle brother, and when his parents leave they say, 'Now, don't you bring your girlfriend over, or you're in big trouble, young man.'

The guy promises he won't, but as soon as his parents left he puts his little brother to bed and calles up his girlfriend. She comes over and they get down in the bed to **** each other, and she says, 'Okay, lettuce means harder and tomato means faster.' So they go at it, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!'

The little brother chooses this moment to come into the bedroom saying he can't sleep, and asks, 'What are you doing?'

The guy, thinking quickly, says, 'Oh, we're making a sandwich.' So they continue to bang the bone-dance, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!'

The little brother put his hand to his cheek and said, 'Yuck, you got mayonaise on my face!'

07-21-04, 05:18 PM
Heaven's Cars

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

07-21-04, 05:18 PM
Hammer Heads

Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.

"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"

"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."

"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."

07-21-04, 05:19 PM
Ficticious Characters

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

07-21-04, 05:19 PM
Undocumented Windows Error Codes

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr 002: No Error - Yet

WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused

WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive

WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened

WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB

WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside

WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside

WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside

WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside

WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?

WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore

WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

07-21-04, 05:20 PM
Windows. . . And The Kursk

What Really Happened To The Kursk
Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.

While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.

It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet?

Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.

[evil laughter in background]

Seaman: Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time".

[long pause]

Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.

Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.

Captain: Where are the drivers?

Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

Captain: You are joking, right?

Seaman: No Sir.

Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

Captain: I do not think so.

Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.

Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.

[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?

Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.

Captain: Good work. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works.

Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.

[another long pause]

Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.

Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!

[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.

Captain: Click on the continue button.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.

Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.

Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready.

Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.

[another really long pause]

Captain: Well?

Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute...

[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

Captain: WTF was that?!?!?

Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue."

Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!

Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.

[another long pause]

Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.

Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to 'end task'.

Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.

[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

Captain: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea....

[ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "WINDOWS SUCKS" in Morse code. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.

07-22-04, 08:32 AM
Y2K - Food for Thought

Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to "Y2K". It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.

07-22-04, 08:32 AM
Y2K Hair Spray

Imagine waking up on January 1, 2000, to find that not only does your computer not work, but that your hairdo looks like something out of the 1900's. This could destroy your ability to work and cause serious personal and financial upheaval. In order to avoid this potentially devastating scenario, the Fetal Baboon company has developed a Y2K Hair Spray.

Andrei De'Ber, spokesman for Fetal Baboon, claims that their new Y2K Hair Spray will "make sure that your hair is Y2K compliant." Said De'Ber, "Your hair is incapable of telling what the date is. That is why there are still some men and women who have outdated hairstyles from the late sixties and early seventies. This has not been a problem because we are still in the 20th century. However, when we enter the 21st century men and women who have non-Y2K compliant hairstyles could face serious troubles. If they don't do something now then their lives could be like Armageddon."

Fetal Baboon's new Y2K Hair Spray will automatically 'download' a Y2K compliant hair style by simply spraying the product on to your existing hairdo. There is no mess and no worries. People who use this new Y2K Hair Spray will have the ability to enter the millennium with confidence.

Y2K Hair Spray should be available in your local stores by mid-March.

Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.

07-22-04, 08:33 AM
Y2K and Mickey Mouse

[set to the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song"]

What's the buzzword for the bug
That ends the century?
Y-2-K ! Y-2-K ! P-A-N-I-C!

Come along, and join the throng
and raid the grocery

Beans and rice and spam (and guns!)
Are all we need to be

Your box won't boot, so join the suit
against the industry:

What will work and what will crash?
It's all a mystery!

No more water, gas, or cash
or electricity

Life gets nasty, brutish, short
and poor as it can be

Y2K (make a buck!), Y2K (make a buck!),
Watch how consulting fees are raised up high!
High! High! High!

How did this whole mess occur
and bring such misery?
P-R-O (oh, sure, two digits is enough)
G-R-A (airborne at midnight? good luck!)
M-M-I-N-G !

Copyright (c) 1900
by Mike Morton (mike@mikemorton.com)
and Evan Morton (evan_morton@yahoo.com)

07-22-04, 08:33 AM
Y2K, The Millennium Bug

The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.

13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"

11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny... Oops, too late.

8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.

6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.

5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.

4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.

3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"

2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

07-22-04, 08:34 AM
Y2K - Not All Bad

January 1, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Automated Payroll Processing

07-22-04, 08:34 AM
Y2K - Not Solved

I've been studying the Year 2000 (Y2K) problem. As you know, the problem is caused by using only 2 digits for the date and is "solved" by using 4 digits for the date. Some solution that is! It just postpones the problem because in the year 10,000 we'll have the problem again.

Geez, how shortsighted can these people be -- they're just postponing the problem, not solving it! I think we need to be using 100 digit numbers for the date so that by the time it becomes a problem again, the universe will be long gone.

07-22-04, 08:34 AM
Y2K, Potential Problems

We have all heard of Y2K, the millennium bug. This nasty computer problem, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:

Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.

Chevy might bring back the Vega.

Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.

Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.

As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.

Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking NOON NOON NOON.

Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.

If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure when we start the 1900's all over again!

07-22-04, 08:35 AM
Y2K Prediction

The company I work for, which processes bills for such things as cable and cellular services, has done quite a bit of Y2K certification work, and is confident that they are prepared. When my mother, after hearing Y2K news reports, asked casually what might happen to her next new year, I told her:

"Well, you might lose power for a while. And water. And your Social Security. And your tax records. But your cable bill will be right on time."

07-22-04, 08:35 AM
Y2K - Best Ways to Prepare

1. Fatten up your closest friends. You may need them later. (Just think "mmm, filet of Steve")

2. Run to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be sure to yell, "I'm going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as I can carry!"

3. Have a ski mask and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss out on all the looting fun.

4. Dig an underground bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster, at least you'll have an underground bomb shelter. How cool is that?

5. Protect your water supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in every container.

6. Get some carrier pigeons. They'll be your best form of communication. They also taste like chicken.

7. Get one of those Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power failure, who's gonna know what time it is? You are, that's who.

8. Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's new currency.

9. Punch a computer programmer. Why? Why not?

10. Have plenty of clean towels. It's not specific to any millenial disaster, but when have you ever not needed clean towels?

11. Get used to changing the TV channel by hand. Remote controls will be totally inoperable.

12. Stock up on cat food. No, it's not for feeding cats. It's for catching them (if you know what I mean).

13. Have plenty of sharp #2 pencils on hand. Due to computing errors, you may have to re-take your SAT's.

14. Throw out your microwave and VCR. On January 1st, they may come alive and try to kill you.

15. Collect all the spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons are everywhere. But after January 1st, who knows?

16. Move to Canada. Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.

17. Visit a fertility clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish the earth.

18. Make friends with the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're all Amish.

19. Hunker down. Then hunker down some more. We just like to say "Hunker Down." Try it, it's fun!

20. Break it to your kids that the world may end. Start by telling them there is no Santa Claus. That way, the news won't seem so bad.

21. Save all your Christmas Wrapping. It doubles as toilet paper.

22. Crawl into the fetal position and practice screaming: We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

23. Stock up on earplugs. If you hear "Party Like it's 1999" one more time, you will go insane.

24. Pray. This won't do any good if you're in advertising. They're all going to hell regardless.

07-22-04, 08:36 AM
Y2K - A Programmer's Comment

Spoken by a software programmer: "I've finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn't exactly one of our classic strengths." he said calmly.

07-22-04, 08:36 AM
Y2K Programmer

The Year 2000:

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

07-22-04, 07:22 PM
A busload of only ugly people has a terrible accident, crashing head on to an on coming truck, and everyone inside dies.

At the pearly gates, because of all the grief that they have suffered throughout their life because of their ugliness, St Peter decides to grant them one wish before they enter heaven.

There are all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish will be…

“ I want to be gorgeous” says the first one.

So God snaps his figures and its done.

The second one hears this and says

“ I want to be gorgeous too”

Another snap of the fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on and on, as each one asks to be gorgeous but, when God is about half way through, He hears laughter coming from the very back of the line.

When there are only about ten people left in line, God notices a USMC Sergeant Major at the end of the line, just laughing his head off…

Finally, God reaches the Sergeant Major and asks him what his wish will be… The Sergeant Major Finally calms down and says:

“Make ‘em all ugly again”

Moral of the story: Sometimes it does pay to be at the end of the line.