Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Then and Now




Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: (Jack) Paar
Now: AARP

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

[thedrifter]

Theological Arguments

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

[thedrifter]

Theoretical Bug


From the Microsoft website:
This update corrects a timing problem in the Windows 95 operating
system. After 49.7 days of continuous operation, your computer may
stop responding and require rebooting.

This fix has not been fully tested ...

No kidding. Talk about your irreproducible errors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom's note: For the curious, this is a legitimate concern. I did a quick check and found this mentioned at the following web sites:

[thedrifter]

Things a True Southerner Knows


1. The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

2. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

3. What general direction cattywumpus is.

4. When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

5. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

6. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

7. A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

8. Real gravy don't come from the store.

9. When "by and by" is.

10. The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."

11. Never to go snipe hunting twice.

12. At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

13. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

14. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

15. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

16. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

[thedrifter]

Things I Have learned (At Various Ages)


Age 6: I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".......

Age 7: I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.

Age 9: I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

Age 12: I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.

Age 14: I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Age 15: I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

Age 24: I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

Age 26: I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.

Age 29: I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

Age 39: I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

Age 42: I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

Age 44: I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.

Age 46: I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

Age 47: I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

Age 48: I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

Age 49: I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

Age 50: I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

Age 51: I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Age 52: I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

Age 53: I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

Age 58: I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

Age 61: I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.

Age 62: I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

Age 64: I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something back.

Age 65: I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

Age 66: I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

Age 72: I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

Age 75: I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.

Age 82: I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Age 85: I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 92: I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

[thedrifter]

Things I Learned from Star Trek


A Starship will explode two, maybe three times at the most.

The safest time to transport to the Enterprise is while your ship is exploding around you.

Most actions on a Starship can result in damage and the eventual shutdown of the warp engines.

When travelling in space, be mindful of ships from the past appearing at the most inopportune times.

When the replicator malfunctions while serving you a drink, LEAVE THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY!

After life support fails, and there is no air remaining, you have 20 to 30 minutes to find some air, wake up and have big sweaty spots on the front of your shirt.

Any problem on the Enterprise can be solved by one of two methods: (a) divert power from life support to the shields, or (b) find yourself a sixteen-year-old who knows what to do.

[thedrifter]

Things Learned by Children

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.
--- age 8

I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks
like you ate more.
--- age 6

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, mom makes
me clean it up.
--- age 13

I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time.
--- age 9

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--- age 7

I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time ,
it will come out your nose.
--- age 7

I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares me.
--- age 5

I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like
a piece of Jolly Rancher candy.
--- age 10

I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster
because they're fish.
--- age 7

I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what
they're doing and wave back.
--- age 9

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist ...
it's in my blood.
--- age 8

I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look.
--- age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up.
--- age 13

I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window
using a sheet for a parachute.
--- age 10

I've learned that parents are very hard to live with.
--- age 12

I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come.
Sometimes he's broke.
--- age 8

I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl,
your parents suspect something is going on.
--- age 11

I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys.
--- age 11

I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down,
you need to be careful going to the bathroom.
--- age 10

I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy.
--- age 6

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents
holding hands. --- age 13

I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with
a Tootsie Roll.
--- age 10

I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch,
if only cowboys didn't wear spurs.
---age 8

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night".
--- age 7

I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because
he gets mad when I drop the ball.
--- age 10

I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over.
--- age 7

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know
the answer.
--- age 9

I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.
--- age 5

I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car
the driver freaks.
--- age 9

I've learned that gold fish don't like jello.
--- age 5

I've learned that you should say your prayers every night.
--- age 9

I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get.
--- age 6

I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts.
--- age 7

[thedrifter]

Things to Learn from Children


If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh,"
it's already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Duplos will not

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will however make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

[thedrifter]

Things to Learn from Children - 2




No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandpa's lap.

[thedrifter]

Things Learned from Movies


These are things which you would never have learned were it not for the movies:

- All telephone numbers in America beginn with the digits 555.

- The ventilation system of any buildingg is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off aas a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking tthe most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. Whhen entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- Cars that crash will almost always burrst into flames.

- Wearing a vest or stripping to the waiist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

- If you find yourself caught up in a miisunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

- Any person waking from a nightmare willl sit bolt upright and pant.

- A cough is usually the sign of a termiinal illness.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic ttiming devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

- When confronted by an evil internationnal terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a betteer chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

- Creepy music coming from a cemetery shhould always be investigated more closely.

- If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enoough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- Freelance helicopter pilots are alwayss eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

- All computer disks will work in all coomputers, regardless of software.

- Police Departments give their officerss personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prrefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for mmanslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

- You can always find a chain saw when yyou need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit carrd or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- You can tell if somebody is British beecause they will be wearing a bow tie.

- When driving a car it is normal to loook not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

- Having a job of any kind will make fatther's forget their son's eighth birthday.

- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

- If you are blonde and pretty, it is poossible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

- The more a man and a woman hate each oother, the more likely they will fall in love.

[thedrifter]

Things Not to Hear During Surgery


Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again.

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy took his blonde girl friend to the Super Bowl. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience
Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"





:banana:

[thedrifter]

Things You Never Hear in Church




1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

[thedrifter]

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You




"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

[thedrifter]

Think Like a Lawyer




One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him: "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."

X_______________sign here

[thedrifter]

Think of a Number





Think of a number.

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Multiply it by 3.
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Now add 5.

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Take away the number you first thought of.

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Now add 7.

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Subtract 2.

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Add back the number you first thought of.

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Now, close your eyes.

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Dark, isn't it?

[thedrifter]

This is the Captain




About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

[thedrifter]

This Little Piggy...




Shortly after my husband and I settled in a rural part of Florida, a neighboring farmer gave us a piglet. Thrilled, we named our new pet Peggy and taught her several tricks.

A few weeks later we asked the farmer to take Peggy while we were on vacation. We left her happily playing with the other piglets, but when we returned, we realized all the piglets looked alike. We didn't think we'd ever be able to pick out Peggy.

Then my husband yelled, "Sit!" and one little pig sat down.

[thedrifter]

This Really Works!


I'm always skeptical of emails that have "subject lines" like this one and I usually just delete them. I've been sent just about every variation of those games where you count this and count that, pick a name, etc. and then at the end whatever answer you were thinking of is already predicted for you.

Despite all of my previous misgivings, I did try this, and I want to tell you that IT REALLY DOES WORK! I was amazed.

So, you gotta try this!!

This really WORKS !!!

It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down the page.





















Keep going!




















Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you continue to scroll down.




















Don't cheat! You must say the name out loud. I'm serious about this!




















Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal's name. Don't forget to say it out loud as you scroll down.




















Now count out the letters in the man's name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. (If this sounds confusing, stop right here and take a minute to read the instructions carefully. You must do this correctly!)




















Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, and get back to work, and stop playing with stupid e-mail!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

This Won't Hurt Much .....


During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

[thedrifter]

Those Voices


Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.

"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head that I always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies.

"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.

"So what's the problem?"

"I think I'm going deaf."

[thedrifter]

A Thoughtful Teacher


After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

[thedrifter]

Thoughts on Housekeeping


Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

[thedrifter]

Thoughts to Ponder About Americans


"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

[thedrifter]

The Threat




As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

"Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

[Phantom Blooper]

There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.


This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.:banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger (and not younger) friends.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax .

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.


Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and event! ually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks, but be careful.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Harold was an old Retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant, he was sick, and he was in the VA hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing, sing-song tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"


Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.


So one day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a Urine Specimen Bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."


The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled












:banana: :marine:

[nc.gal]

The doctor sat the 86 year old man down for a talk. "Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Mr Brower, but I thought it best to discuss a few things with you." Mr. Brower leaned on his cane and peered at the doctor. "What's that, doctor?" Your financee is a lovely woman. She is 23 years old and in terrific shape." The doctor paused for a moment to consider his words."Frankly speaking, she has had a very full sexual life, and after you two are married she expects to continue that way." The doctor sighed, "I'm just afraid this might be fatal." Mr. Brower slammed his cane on the desk. "If she dies, she dies!!"

[MillRatUSMC]

http://www.pixar.com/shorts/gg/images/landing_1.jpg

http://www.pixar.com/shorts/gg/index.html

In a world full of hatred, every now and than we need some to take us away from all that.

I was watching a video and it had "Geri Game".
Only those up in their years can see the humor of an old man playing chess by himself.

<MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite>TO THOSE WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES THAT OTHERS MAY SAY PROUDLY I AM A MARINE</MARQUEE>

http://www.geocities.com/millrat_99/index.html

"The saddest part of the job that I have undertaken is that the armed services by their nature, represent the last resort,
when rational solutions to the country's problems have failed."
~ Lt. Cmdr. Harry Mossman US Navy ~
Remains recover in 1992 and indentified recently.

"A man or woman is measured
by the footprint,
he or she leaves behind".

"They were the best you had, America,
and you turned your back on them".
~ Joe Galloway ~ Speaking about Vietnam Veterans

Semper Fidelis/Semper Fi
Ricardo

[thedrifter]

Three Engineers

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we have too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

[thedrifter]

Three Irishmen




Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[thedrifter]

Three Men on a Trip




Fred, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

[thedrifter]

Three Priests




Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.

The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.

After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.

Priest-1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!

Priest-2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!!

Priest-3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they have not been back since......

[thedrifter]

Three Stages of Man


He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

[thedrifter]

Three Stores




A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."

[thedrifter]

Three Wishes




One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

[thedrifter]

Thunderstorm

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

[thedrifter]

Thunderstorm 2


When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in midafternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

[thedrifter]

Tim and Tony


WARNING! This is a real groaner!

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney at the Vatican and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise; he was devastated, because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ... Pope Secola.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(If you are in a part of the world where cola drinks are not common, this might not make any sense. Suffice it to say, there are several brands in the US ... one of which is Pepsi Cola ... Pope Secola / Pepsi Cola ... 'nuf said!)

[thedrifter]

Timberrrrr!




While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts."

Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"

[Phantom Blooper]

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . $157.00

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't
have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic
computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will
tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine
sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and
the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Kiosk #2)

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart





:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Joke From Desparado

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could **** all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

[thedrifter]

A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[thedrifter]

Stupid Tricks For Points

(Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!)

One-Point Gags
--------------------
? Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
? In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
? Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
? Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
? Run one lap around the office at top speed.
? To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
? Walk sideways to the photocopier.
? When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
? While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags
-------------------------
? Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
? Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
? Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
? Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
? Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags
----------------------
? After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
? Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
? At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
? At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
? Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
? Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
? Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
? For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
? Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
? In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
? In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
? Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
? Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
? Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
? While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
? While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

[thedrifter]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life




The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

Rating: 3.83
Joke Style: Lists
This joke can be found in: : Dirty Jokes | Top Ten Lists | Medical Jokes | Police Jokes | Aviation Jokes | Hunting Jokes
Printer friendly version of this joke

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

A Returned Favor From Warsaw

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

[thedrifter]

Football Lingo

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he ****s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[thedrifter]

The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

[Phantom Blooper]

YOU KNOW YOUR CHURCH IS A REDNECK CHURCH IF.......

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if..
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Time Difference


A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?"

Operator: "Just a minute..."

Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.

[thedrifter]

Times Like This




"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!"

"Why, what did she tell you?"

"I don't know, I didn't listen!"

[thedrifter]

The Tip


A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

[thedrifter]

Tip Off




I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card through the card reader, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says REJECTED?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

[thedrifter]

Tipping the Dealer




A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"

he dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes, sure I do," responded the player.

"Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."

"Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for ... I'll take an eight."

[thedrifter]

Tips for Surviving the Modern World


1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", this problem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.

3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier.

5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

9.The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French.

10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders....DON'T CALL BACK!

11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac.

12.You do not need your passport to get into New Mexico.

[thedrifter]

The Titanic Test




Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[thedrifter]

Toaster Oven




One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!"

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen a moment later. "Well, the toast is fine, but the manual is burned to a crisp."

[thedrifter]

Toasters




If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

If The NeXT Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

[thedrifter]

Toddler Help Line




After a stress-filled breakfast out with my two preschool-aged children, my husband
and I decided that our toddler was clearly malfunctioning - the following is the
culmination of that observation :

A phone rings.......

Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline.
How may I help you?
Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit.
I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.
O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?
P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it - my toddler
is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!
O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout.
Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist
you fully. Number one - do have the boy or the girl unit?
P : A boy unit - why?
O : Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit
just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling
with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail -
is the ceiling fan turned ON?
P : No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on,
and he is tied to the fan! Why does any of that matter?
He is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there,
he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how.
Obviously, the unit is malfunctioning!
O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler
unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is
absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up
to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?
P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model,
and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in
technical support!
O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on
an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the
Marquis de Sade.
P : Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an
instruction manual!
O : Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order
a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too
difficult for you to comprehend!
P : Then just tell me where the off switch is! You can do that,
can't you?
O : Sorry, sir - no can do! Only product development knows where
that is, and they're not telling!
P : Okay, I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!
O : I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and
totally NON-REFUNDABLE!
P : Can I at least exchange it for another model?
O : No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are
just as much trouble, are more expensive to maintain,
and the whining - well, let's just say you got off easy with
the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire,
but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!
P : Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?
O : Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU,
I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call
the doctor and make an appointment - for YOU!
You sound stressed - stress can kill!
P : Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me
first! Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!
O : Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget
cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is
required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call.
Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.

The scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching
his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE!
as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............

[thedrifter]

Toddler Laws of Ownership


1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!

[thedrifter]

Toddler Miracle Diet


People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!

DAY ONE----

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor...........

DAY TWO-----

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE-----

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY----

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

[CMyr]

inre: For All Smart Women --- "Looks"

Time worn, but still applies:

A woman is as old as she looks; a man isn't old until he stops looking.

[Phantom Blooper]

Hamster Birthing Story If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
hamster!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?"
my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally
outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and
Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed
me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk
us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you
pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - $10...
1 - Cage - $20...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's little 'manhood'...
Priceless...

[thedrifter]

Ford vs. God

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[thedrifter]

Jesus And The Redneck

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Rubbing For A Wish

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[thedrifter]

Upgrading Bill Gate's Hell

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

[thedrifter]

Tofu Recipies




A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.

She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.

The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

[thedrifter]

Tom Jones Syndrome


A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome".

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual", replied the doctor.

[thedrifter]

Tomatoes




While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."

Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.

The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"

[thedrifter]

Tonsillectomy

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

[thedrifter]

The Tool Manifesto




1. The main reason to have tools is in order to build other tools.

2. A secondary reason is to repair tools that you have collected.

3. A tertiary reason is to improve tools that you have collected.

4. A fourth reason is to restore tools to their previous condition after your improvements did not work.

5. A fifth reason is to create, from scratch, any missing parts of collected tools that are made out of unobtainium.

6. In collecting and restoring tools it is essential to obtain only original manufactured parts even if these are much more expensive and there are perfectly serviceable equivalent, after-market parts at a fraction of the cost. If the tool is to be used for any of the above 5 reasons, then it is okay to use the un-official after-market part in a pinch -- but it is always preferable to find and restore the official one when you can -- even if it comes to cutting 3/4 x 8.1 acme thread lead screws for you old Logan lathe.

7. It is theoretically possible to use tools for non-tool building and restoring purposes, but this is largely speculative and hotly debated.

8. When tools are used for purposes such as 7 above, the more and heavier the tools used to accomplish that purpose, the more glory there is in it. For example, this afternoon, the elastic on my wife's favorite pair of jeans broke. Because of the way it was manufactured, it was impossible to thread a new elastic into the waistband. The obvious solution was to install a dozen brass eyelets around the waistband and to provide a tie made out of a pair of old shoelaces. I had the eyelets, but because of the huge number of drawers full of tools, I could not find the eyelet tool or the proper hole punch. I made a new hole punch, using both lathes and a tool-post grinder. Then I had to make a die for the punch. Having no stock of the proper diameter, I mounted a square piece of stock on my rotary table and used the mill to cut it to an approximate round shape. More work on the lathe to cut the die and on the other lathe, to cut the punch. I had to use the taper attachment both times. Of course, there was heavy-duty work on the bench grinder to make all the form tools that were obviously needed for this task. I admit that because I did not have a heat-treating oven, it was not possible for me to properly heat-treat and harden the punch, the die, or the hole cutter. I did an admitedly poor job using a big torch.

It is obvious that I am missing:
(1) a heat-treating oven,
(2) a centerless grinder,
(3) a precision tool grinder.

When I finished the job, I put the new tools away in the proper drawer and found the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. However, my labors were totally vindicated because the hole punch was at least 1/64 oversized and the die for the grommet as well as the corresponding grommet punch were about the same amount under. The proper solution, had I been able to truly and fully practice the religion would have been to make my own grommets that would properly fit the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. For this I would've made the appropriate four punch die.

It is clear that I also needed, therefore, a 10 ton punch press. No doubt the shim stock that I would have used would have been wrong, mandating a small rolling mill suitable for brass -- and an anealing oven since one should have separate heat-treating and anealing ovens. All these deficiencies and problems notwithstanding, I did the best I could.

I mounted the jean's waistband on a piece of heavy steel stock - 2 x 1 x 26 (she is a small person) and clamped the waistband to the stock using every single small machinist's clamp that I had. First however, I had attached (after careful milling and scraping) a right angle block at both ends so that the jig could be placed either upright or lying down. Then, carefully applying dykem blue on the backside of the jig, I let that dry and took the lot over to the surface plate where I marked a horizontal line at the proper distance, and then standing the jig on end -- first one side and then the other, I carefully marked the spacing for the grommets and then center punched all the holes -- obviously, the fact that my height gauge is only 18" is a serious deficiency, and I really need a 36" height gauge for this job -- I did briefly consider making one but rejected that as being excessively punctilious. Having marked the hole locations, I took them over to the drill press and drilled small pilot holes (1/8) through the steel and into the cloth. I had to move the job several times -- the fact that I did not have that essential 24" throat radial drill press really bothered me -- another item for the shopping list. I suppose I could have done it on a Bridgeport in a pinch -- but my mill table has only 15" of travel so that was obviously inadequate. I won't go into the jig I used to allign the hold punch and grommet punch with the pilot holes because that is obvious and elementary.

The final tool was a 28" steel corkscrew with forged eyelet. That was formed on a die of the right pitch -- which was a job because neither of my lathes will cut screw threads of that pitch -- I obviously was missing a gunsmith's rifling set-up which with suitable adaptation would have made making that forming die for the corkscrew a trivial task: But I fixed that by hobbing a pair of special change gears for the small SB lathe.

It took several tries to get the pitch just right (2.5403") so that it was possible to thread the corkscrew through all the grommets, then snag the shoelace in the forged eyelets and withdraw the lot to accomplish a perfectly threaded shoelace-belt. Mission accomplished.

What I don't understand is why she complained about the cutting oil that inevitably got on the jeans -- and after all my work she threw the darned things into the garbage can -- there is no explanation of such things to people who do not understand the purpose of tools.

[thedrifter]

Tools for Women


A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.

If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

[thedrifter]

Too Expensive


A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He