View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...

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06-27-04, 08:40 AM
Then and Now

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: (Jack) Paar

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

06-27-04, 08:41 AM
Theological Arguments

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

06-27-04, 08:41 AM
Theoretical Bug

From the Microsoft website:
This update corrects a timing problem in the Windows 95 operating
system. After 49.7 days of continuous operation, your computer may
stop responding and require rebooting.

This fix has not been fully tested ...

No kidding. Talk about your irreproducible errors.
Tom's note: For the curious, this is a legitimate concern. I did a quick check and found this mentioned at the following web sites:

06-27-04, 08:41 AM
Things a True Southerner Knows

1. The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

2. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

3. What general direction cattywumpus is.

4. When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

5. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

6. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

7. A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

8. Real gravy don't come from the store.

9. When "by and by" is.

10. The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."

11. Never to go snipe hunting twice.

12. At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

13. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

14. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

15. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

16. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

06-27-04, 08:42 AM
Things I Have learned (At Various Ages)

Age 6: I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".......

Age 7: I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.

Age 9: I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

Age 12: I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.

Age 14: I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Age 15: I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

Age 24: I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

Age 26: I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.

Age 29: I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

Age 39: I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

Age 42: I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

Age 44: I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.

Age 46: I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

Age 47: I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

Age 48: I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

Age 49: I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

Age 50: I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

Age 51: I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Age 52: I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

Age 53: I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

Age 58: I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

Age 61: I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.

Age 62: I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

Age 64: I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something back.

Age 65: I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

Age 66: I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

Age 72: I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

Age 75: I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.

Age 82: I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Age 85: I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 92: I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

06-27-04, 08:42 AM
Things I Learned from Star Trek

A Starship will explode two, maybe three times at the most.

The safest time to transport to the Enterprise is while your ship is exploding around you.

Most actions on a Starship can result in damage and the eventual shutdown of the warp engines.

When travelling in space, be mindful of ships from the past appearing at the most inopportune times.

When the replicator malfunctions while serving you a drink, LEAVE THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY!

After life support fails, and there is no air remaining, you have 20 to 30 minutes to find some air, wake up and have big sweaty spots on the front of your shirt.

Any problem on the Enterprise can be solved by one of two methods: (a) divert power from life support to the shields, or (b) find yourself a sixteen-year-old who knows what to do.

06-27-04, 08:43 AM
Things Learned by Children

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.
--- age 8

I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks
like you ate more.
--- age 6

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, mom makes
me clean it up.
--- age 13

I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time.
--- age 9

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--- age 7

I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time ,
it will come out your nose.
--- age 7

I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares me.
--- age 5

I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like
a piece of Jolly Rancher candy.
--- age 10

I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster
because they're fish.
--- age 7

I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what
they're doing and wave back.
--- age 9

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist ...
it's in my blood.
--- age 8

I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look.
--- age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up.
--- age 13

I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window
using a sheet for a parachute.
--- age 10

I've learned that parents are very hard to live with.
--- age 12

I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come.
Sometimes he's broke.
--- age 8

I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl,
your parents suspect something is going on.
--- age 11

I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys.
--- age 11

I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down,
you need to be careful going to the bathroom.
--- age 10

I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy.
--- age 6

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents
holding hands. --- age 13

I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with
a Tootsie Roll.
--- age 10

I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch,
if only cowboys didn't wear spurs.
---age 8

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night".
--- age 7

I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because
he gets mad when I drop the ball.
--- age 10

I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over.
--- age 7

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know
the answer.
--- age 9

I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.
--- age 5

I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car
the driver freaks.
--- age 9

I've learned that gold fish don't like jello.
--- age 5

I've learned that you should say your prayers every night.
--- age 9

I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get.
--- age 6

I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts.
--- age 7

06-27-04, 08:43 AM
Things to Learn from Children

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh,"
it's already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Duplos will not

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will however make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

06-27-04, 08:43 AM
Things to Learn from Children - 2

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandpa's lap.

06-27-04, 08:44 AM
Things Learned from Movies

These are things which you would never have learned were it not for the movies:

- All telephone numbers in America beginn with the digits 555.

- The ventilation system of any buildingg is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off aas a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking tthe most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. Whhen entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- Cars that crash will almost always burrst into flames.

- Wearing a vest or stripping to the waiist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

- If you find yourself caught up in a miisunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

- Any person waking from a nightmare willl sit bolt upright and pant.

- A cough is usually the sign of a termiinal illness.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic ttiming devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

- When confronted by an evil internationnal terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a betteer chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

- Creepy music coming from a cemetery shhould always be investigated more closely.

- If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enoough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- Freelance helicopter pilots are alwayss eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

- All computer disks will work in all coomputers, regardless of software.

- Police Departments give their officerss personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prrefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for mmanslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

- You can always find a chain saw when yyou need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit carrd or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- You can tell if somebody is British beecause they will be wearing a bow tie.

- When driving a car it is normal to loook not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

- Having a job of any kind will make fatther's forget their son's eighth birthday.

- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

- If you are blonde and pretty, it is poossible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

- The more a man and a woman hate each oother, the more likely they will fall in love.

06-27-04, 08:44 AM
Things Not to Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again.

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Phantom Blooper
06-27-04, 10:30 AM
A guy took his blonde girl friend to the Super Bowl. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience
Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"


06-28-04, 07:51 AM
Things You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

06-28-04, 07:51 AM
Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

06-28-04, 07:51 AM
Think Like a Lawyer

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him: "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."

X_______________sign here

06-28-04, 07:52 AM
Think of a Number

Think of a number.

(scroll down)

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.


Take away the number you first thought of.


Now add 7.


Subtract 2.


Add back the number you first thought of.


Now, close your eyes.


Dark, isn't it?

06-28-04, 07:52 AM
This is the Captain

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

06-28-04, 07:53 AM
This Little Piggy...

Shortly after my husband and I settled in a rural part of Florida, a neighboring farmer gave us a piglet. Thrilled, we named our new pet Peggy and taught her several tricks.

A few weeks later we asked the farmer to take Peggy while we were on vacation. We left her happily playing with the other piglets, but when we returned, we realized all the piglets looked alike. We didn't think we'd ever be able to pick out Peggy.

Then my husband yelled, "Sit!" and one little pig sat down.

06-28-04, 07:53 AM
This Really Works!

I'm always skeptical of emails that have "subject lines" like this one and I usually just delete them. I've been sent just about every variation of those games where you count this and count that, pick a name, etc. and then at the end whatever answer you were thinking of is already predicted for you.

Despite all of my previous misgivings, I did try this, and I want to tell you that IT REALLY DOES WORK! I was amazed.

So, you gotta try this!!

This really WORKS !!!

It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down the page.

Keep going!

Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you continue to scroll down.

Don't cheat! You must say the name out loud. I'm serious about this!

Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal's name. Don't forget to say it out loud as you scroll down.

Now count out the letters in the man's name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. (If this sounds confusing, stop right here and take a minute to read the instructions carefully. You must do this correctly!)

Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, and get back to work, and stop playing with stupid e-mail!


06-28-04, 07:53 AM
This Won't Hurt Much .....

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

06-28-04, 07:54 AM
Those Voices

Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.

"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head that I always complain about?"

"Yes," the doctor replies.

"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.

"So what's the problem?"

"I think I'm going deaf."

06-28-04, 07:54 AM
A Thoughtful Teacher

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

06-28-04, 07:54 AM
Thoughts on Housekeeping

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

06-28-04, 07:55 AM
Thoughts to Ponder About Americans

"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

06-28-04, 07:55 AM
The Threat

As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded.

"Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

Phantom Blooper
06-28-04, 10:48 AM
There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.:banana: :)

Phantom Blooper
06-28-04, 10:50 AM
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
06-28-04, 10:58 AM
Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger (and not younger) friends.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax .

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and event! ually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks, but be careful.


Phantom Blooper
06-28-04, 05:50 PM
Harold was an old Retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant, he was sick, and he was in the VA hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing, sing-song tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.

So one day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a Urine Specimen Bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled

:banana: :marine:

06-28-04, 07:18 PM
The doctor sat the 86 year old man down for a talk. "Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Mr Brower, but I thought it best to discuss a few things with you." Mr. Brower leaned on his cane and peered at the doctor. "What's that, doctor?" Your financee is a lovely woman. She is 23 years old and in terrific shape." The doctor paused for a moment to consider his words."Frankly speaking, she has had a very full sexual life, and after you two are married she expects to continue that way." The doctor sighed, "I'm just afraid this might be fatal." Mr. Brower slammed his cane on the desk. "If she dies, she dies!!"

06-28-04, 08:10 PM


In a world full of hatred, every now and than we need some to take us away from all that.

I was watching a video and it had "Geri Game".
Only those up in their years can see the humor of an old man playing chess by himself.



"The saddest part of the job that I have undertaken is that the armed services by their nature, represent the last resort,
when rational solutions to the country's problems have failed."
~ Lt. Cmdr. Harry Mossman US Navy ~
Remains recover in 1992 and indentified recently.

"A man or woman is measured
by the footprint,
he or she leaves behind".

"They were the best you had, America,
and you turned your back on them".
~ Joe Galloway ~ Speaking about Vietnam Veterans

Semper Fidelis/Semper Fi

06-29-04, 08:03 AM
Three Engineers

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we have too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

06-29-04, 08:03 AM
Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

06-29-04, 08:04 AM
Three Men on a Trip

Fred, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

06-29-04, 08:04 AM
Three Priests

Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.

The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.

After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.

Priest-1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!

Priest-2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!!

Priest-3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they have not been back since......

06-29-04, 08:05 AM
Three Stages of Man

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

06-29-04, 08:05 AM
Three Stores

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."

06-29-04, 08:06 AM
Three Wishes

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

06-29-04, 08:06 AM

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

06-29-04, 08:06 AM
Thunderstorm 2

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in midafternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

06-29-04, 08:07 AM
Tim and Tony

WARNING! This is a real groaner!

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney at the Vatican and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise; he was devastated, because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ... Pope Secola.
(If you are in a part of the world where cola drinks are not common, this might not make any sense. Suffice it to say, there are several brands in the US ... one of which is Pepsi Cola ... Pope Secola / Pepsi Cola ... 'nuf said!)

06-29-04, 08:07 AM

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts."

Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"

Phantom Blooper
06-29-04, 02:51 PM
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . $157.00


Phantom Blooper
06-29-04, 02:54 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't
have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic
computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will
tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine
sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and
the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample
into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Kiosk #2)

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart


06-29-04, 06:24 PM
The Joke From Desparado

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could **** all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

06-29-04, 06:24 PM
A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

06-29-04, 06:25 PM
Stupid Tricks For Points

(Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!)

One-Point Gags
? Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
? In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
? Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
? Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
? Run one lap around the office at top speed.
? To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
? Walk sideways to the photocopier.
? When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
? While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three-Point Gags
? Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
? Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
? Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
? Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
? Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five-Point Gags
? After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
? Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
? At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
? At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
? Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
? Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
? Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
? For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
? Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
? In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
? In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
? Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
? Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
? Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
? While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
? While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

06-29-04, 06:26 PM
The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

Rating: 3.83
Joke Style: Lists
This joke can be found in: : Dirty Jokes | Top Ten Lists | Medical Jokes | Police Jokes | Aviation Jokes | Hunting Jokes
Printer friendly version of this joke

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

06-29-04, 06:27 PM
A Returned Favor From Warsaw

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

06-29-04, 06:28 PM
Football Lingo

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he ****s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

06-29-04, 06:28 PM
The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

Phantom Blooper
06-29-04, 07:41 PM

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if..
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"

06-30-04, 08:15 AM
Time Difference

A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?"

Operator: "Just a minute..."

Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.

06-30-04, 08:15 AM
Times Like This

"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!"

"Why, what did she tell you?"

"I don't know, I didn't listen!"

06-30-04, 08:16 AM
The Tip

A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

06-30-04, 08:16 AM
Tip Off

I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card through the card reader, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says REJECTED?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

06-30-04, 08:16 AM
Tipping the Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"

he dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes, sure I do," responded the player.

"Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."

"Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for ... I'll take an eight."

06-30-04, 08:17 AM
Tips for Surviving the Modern World

1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", this problem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.

3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier.

5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

9.The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French.

10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders....DON'T CALL BACK!

11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac.

12.You do not need your passport to get into New Mexico.

06-30-04, 08:17 AM
The Titanic Test

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

06-30-04, 08:17 AM
Toaster Oven

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!"

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen a moment later. "Well, the toast is fine, but the manual is burned to a crisp."

06-30-04, 08:18 AM

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

If The NeXT Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

06-30-04, 08:18 AM
Toddler Help Line

After a stress-filled breakfast out with my two preschool-aged children, my husband
and I decided that our toddler was clearly malfunctioning - the following is the
culmination of that observation :

A phone rings.......

Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline.
How may I help you?
Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit.
I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.
O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?
P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it - my toddler
is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!
O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout.
Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist
you fully. Number one - do have the boy or the girl unit?
P : A boy unit - why?
O : Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit
just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling
with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail -
is the ceiling fan turned ON?
P : No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on,
and he is tied to the fan! Why does any of that matter?
He is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there,
he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how.
Obviously, the unit is malfunctioning!
O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler
unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is
absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up
to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?
P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model,
and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in
technical support!
O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on
an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the
Marquis de Sade.
P : Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an
instruction manual!
O : Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order
a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too
difficult for you to comprehend!
P : Then just tell me where the off switch is! You can do that,
can't you?
O : Sorry, sir - no can do! Only product development knows where
that is, and they're not telling!
P : Okay, I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!
O : I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and
P : Can I at least exchange it for another model?
O : No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are
just as much trouble, are more expensive to maintain,
and the whining - well, let's just say you got off easy with
the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire,
but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!
P : Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?
O : Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU,
I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call
the doctor and make an appointment - for YOU!
You sound stressed - stress can kill!
P : Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me
first! Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!
O : Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget
cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is
required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call.
Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.

The scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching
his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE!
as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............

06-30-04, 08:19 AM
Toddler Laws of Ownership

1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!

06-30-04, 08:19 AM
Toddler Miracle Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!


Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor...........

DAY TWO-----

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.


Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.


Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

06-30-04, 03:38 PM
inre: For All Smart Women --- "Looks"

Time worn, but still applies:

A woman is as old as she looks; a man isn't old until he stops looking.

Phantom Blooper
06-30-04, 04:54 PM
Hamster Birthing Story If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?"
my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally
outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and
Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed
me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk
us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you
pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - $10...
1 - Cage - $20...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's little 'manhood'...

06-30-04, 07:04 PM
Ford vs. God

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.

06-30-04, 07:04 PM
Jesus And The Redneck

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

06-30-04, 07:05 PM
Rubbing For A Wish

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

06-30-04, 07:05 PM
Upgrading Bill Gate's Hell

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

07-01-04, 06:53 AM
Tofu Recipies

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.

She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.

The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

07-01-04, 06:54 AM
Tom Jones Syndrome

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome".

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual", replied the doctor.

07-01-04, 06:54 AM

While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."

Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.

The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"

07-01-04, 06:54 AM

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

07-01-04, 06:55 AM
The Tool Manifesto

1. The main reason to have tools is in order to build other tools.

2. A secondary reason is to repair tools that you have collected.

3. A tertiary reason is to improve tools that you have collected.

4. A fourth reason is to restore tools to their previous condition after your improvements did not work.

5. A fifth reason is to create, from scratch, any missing parts of collected tools that are made out of unobtainium.

6. In collecting and restoring tools it is essential to obtain only original manufactured parts even if these are much more expensive and there are perfectly serviceable equivalent, after-market parts at a fraction of the cost. If the tool is to be used for any of the above 5 reasons, then it is okay to use the un-official after-market part in a pinch -- but it is always preferable to find and restore the official one when you can -- even if it comes to cutting 3/4 x 8.1 acme thread lead screws for you old Logan lathe.

7. It is theoretically possible to use tools for non-tool building and restoring purposes, but this is largely speculative and hotly debated.

8. When tools are used for purposes such as 7 above, the more and heavier the tools used to accomplish that purpose, the more glory there is in it. For example, this afternoon, the elastic on my wife's favorite pair of jeans broke. Because of the way it was manufactured, it was impossible to thread a new elastic into the waistband. The obvious solution was to install a dozen brass eyelets around the waistband and to provide a tie made out of a pair of old shoelaces. I had the eyelets, but because of the huge number of drawers full of tools, I could not find the eyelet tool or the proper hole punch. I made a new hole punch, using both lathes and a tool-post grinder. Then I had to make a die for the punch. Having no stock of the proper diameter, I mounted a square piece of stock on my rotary table and used the mill to cut it to an approximate round shape. More work on the lathe to cut the die and on the other lathe, to cut the punch. I had to use the taper attachment both times. Of course, there was heavy-duty work on the bench grinder to make all the form tools that were obviously needed for this task. I admit that because I did not have a heat-treating oven, it was not possible for me to properly heat-treat and harden the punch, the die, or the hole cutter. I did an admitedly poor job using a big torch.

It is obvious that I am missing:
(1) a heat-treating oven,
(2) a centerless grinder,
(3) a precision tool grinder.

When I finished the job, I put the new tools away in the proper drawer and found the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. However, my labors were totally vindicated because the hole punch was at least 1/64 oversized and the die for the grommet as well as the corresponding grommet punch were about the same amount under. The proper solution, had I been able to truly and fully practice the religion would have been to make my own grommets that would properly fit the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. For this I would've made the appropriate four punch die.

It is clear that I also needed, therefore, a 10 ton punch press. No doubt the shim stock that I would have used would have been wrong, mandating a small rolling mill suitable for brass -- and an anealing oven since one should have separate heat-treating and anealing ovens. All these deficiencies and problems notwithstanding, I did the best I could.

I mounted the jean's waistband on a piece of heavy steel stock - 2 x 1 x 26 (she is a small person) and clamped the waistband to the stock using every single small machinist's clamp that I had. First however, I had attached (after careful milling and scraping) a right angle block at both ends so that the jig could be placed either upright or lying down. Then, carefully applying dykem blue on the backside of the jig, I let that dry and took the lot over to the surface plate where I marked a horizontal line at the proper distance, and then standing the jig on end -- first one side and then the other, I carefully marked the spacing for the grommets and then center punched all the holes -- obviously, the fact that my height gauge is only 18" is a serious deficiency, and I really need a 36" height gauge for this job -- I did briefly consider making one but rejected that as being excessively punctilious. Having marked the hole locations, I took them over to the drill press and drilled small pilot holes (1/8) through the steel and into the cloth. I had to move the job several times -- the fact that I did not have that essential 24" throat radial drill press really bothered me -- another item for the shopping list. I suppose I could have done it on a Bridgeport in a pinch -- but my mill table has only 15" of travel so that was obviously inadequate. I won't go into the jig I used to allign the hold punch and grommet punch with the pilot holes because that is obvious and elementary.

The final tool was a 28" steel corkscrew with forged eyelet. That was formed on a die of the right pitch -- which was a job because neither of my lathes will cut screw threads of that pitch -- I obviously was missing a gunsmith's rifling set-up which with suitable adaptation would have made making that forming die for the corkscrew a trivial task: But I fixed that by hobbing a pair of special change gears for the small SB lathe.

It took several tries to get the pitch just right (2.5403") so that it was possible to thread the corkscrew through all the grommets, then snag the shoelace in the forged eyelets and withdraw the lot to accomplish a perfectly threaded shoelace-belt. Mission accomplished.

What I don't understand is why she complained about the cutting oil that inevitably got on the jeans -- and after all my work she threw the darned things into the garbage can -- there is no explanation of such things to people who do not understand the purpose of tools.

07-01-04, 06:55 AM
Tools for Women

A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.

If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

07-01-04, 06:55 AM
Too Expensive

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

07-01-04, 06:56 AM
Too Rough

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

07-01-04, 06:57 AM
Too Young

My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

07-01-04, 06:57 AM
The Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________:

Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the
tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the
time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other: __________________________________________________ __

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the
following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at
a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we
look forward to serving you in the future.


The Tooth Fairy

07-01-04, 06:58 AM
The True Spirit of Christmas - "The Toothless Grin"


This posting is not humor but is a story that I like. File it under "inspirational" ...

I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces. A nicely dressed little girl was excitedly looking through the Barbie dolls as well, with a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand. When she came upon a Barbie she liked, she would turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it.

He usually said "yes," but she would keep looking and keep going through their ritual of "do I have enough?" As she was looking, a little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokemon toys. He was dressed neatly, but in clothes that were obviously rather worn, and wearing a jacket that was probably a couple of sizes too small. He too had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so at the most. He was with his father as well, and kept picking up the Pokemon video toys. Each time he picked one up and looked at his father, his father shook his head, "No."

The little girl had apparently chosen her Barbie, a beautifully dressed, glamorous doll that would have been the envy of every little girl on the block. However, she had stopped and was watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. Rather dejectedly, the boy had given up on the video games and had chosen what looked like a book of stickers instead. He and his father then started walking through another aisle of the store.

The little girl put her Barbie back on the shelf, and ran over to the Pokemon games. She excitedly picked up one that was lying on top of the other toys, and raced toward the check-out, after speaking with her father. I picked up my purchases and got in line behind them. Then, much to the little girl's obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me.

After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled and put the package under the counter.

I paid for my purchases and was rearranging things in my purse when the little boy came up to the cashier. The cashier rang up his purchases and then said, "Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!" With that, she handed the little boy the Pokemon game, and he could only stare in disbelief. It was, he said, exactly what he had wanted!

The little girl and her father had been standing at the doorway during all of this, and I saw the biggest, prettiest, toothless grin on that little girl that I have ever seen in my life. Then they walked out the door, and I followed close behind them. As I walked back to my car in amazement over what I had just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I'll never forget what she said to him.

"Daddy, didn't Nana and PawPaw want me to buy something that would make me happy?"

He said, "Of course they did, honey."

To which the little girl replied, "Well, I just did!"

With that, she giggled and started skipping toward their car. Her toothless grin said it all. Apparently, she had decided on the answer to her own question of, "Do I have enough?"

I feel very privileged to have witnessed the true spirit of Christmas in that toy store, in the form of a little girl who understands more about the reason for the season than most adults I know!

Written by Sharon Palmer

07-01-04, 06:58 AM
To The Rescue

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

07-01-04, 07:14 PM
Blonde in Pain

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."

07-01-04, 07:14 PM
Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

07-01-04, 07:15 PM
The Football Moms

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the ****s?"

07-01-04, 07:15 PM
Star Wars Astrology

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Star Wars Character : The Emperor

The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the center of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Star Wars Character : Chewbacca

Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn. He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He tends to hate being bossed around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
Star Wars Character : Ewok

Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans. For the most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered and high-strung at times.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker

Luke seemed to be somewhat whiney sometimes but he eventually developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed and persistent to get what he wants. He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Star Wars Character : Princess Leia

Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like many Leos she will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic about the outcome.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Star Wars Character : C3P0

C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good cause but he tends to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary. Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking up minute details.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobi

As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Star Wars Character : Han Solo

Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back. However, his resiliance and passion lead him to get what he wants.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Star Wars Character : Yoda

Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks through.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Star Wars Character : R2D2

R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination is rarely fulfilled. This causes resentment towards winners. He is a very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality, however close friends are few.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Star Wars Character : Darth Vader

Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace- loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Star Wars Character : Lando

Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.

07-01-04, 07:17 PM
Robbery In A Church

A crook thought maybe he could rob a church. The crook takes the money but notices a priest. The crook wants to kill the only witness, so he pulls out his gun, and fires. The crook missed and said "Damn, I missed." the preist tells the crook "If you swear in the house of God again, you will be struck by lightening." The crook shoots, misses, and again say "Damn, I missed." Suddenly, the heavens open up and a bolt of lightening thunders down and hits the preist. Then a towery voice says "Damn, I missed."

07-01-04, 07:17 PM
An Unlikely Stop

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

07-01-04, 07:17 PM
Bad Taste

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Phantom Blooper
07-02-04, 06:02 AM
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That onething was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her breasts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't' say a word. She said,I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

:banana: :banana:

07-02-04, 07:33 AM
Top 10 - Best Remarks by Golf Caddies

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

07-02-04, 07:33 AM
Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent

Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent

10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl Scout

9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes for

8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.

7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000 servings
of macaroni and cheese.

6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least three
children's show theme songs a day.

5. The average parent can take construction paper, glue,
pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a delightful
Thanksgiving centerpiece.

4. The average parent can produce from their pocket/purse at
least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and a Barbie shoe at
any given time.

3. The average parent has at least one child induced stain on
the clothing they are currently wearing.

2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever thought up
3 months for summer vacation gets attacked by a pack of
marauding wolverines.

1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously sweet, "Mommy,
I love you" means," I have just decorated your new headboard/
carpet/dress/suit with all your makeup."

07-02-04, 07:34 AM
Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

This was found in Feb. 2000 issue of The Farmer-Stockman

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains,syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.

2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

07-02-04, 07:34 AM
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is Better than Christmas

To my Jewish friends, enjoy! May the miracle be with you always.

Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is Better than Christmas

10. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special".
9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Hanukkah is better than Christmas...

1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

07-02-04, 07:34 AM
Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:


07-02-04, 07:35 AM
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

(from David Letterman's Top Ten Lists)

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

07-02-04, 07:35 AM
Top Ten Signs That You've Bought a Cheap Car

Top Ten Signs That You've Bought a Cheap Car

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than
This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the
everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

And, without further ado, the number one sign you bought a cheap car:

1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

07-02-04, 07:36 AM
Top Ten Things Men Know About Women











and the Number One Thing Men Know About Women


07-02-04, 07:36 AM
Topological Chicken

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?

A: To get to the other... um... er...

07-02-04, 07:36 AM
Tour of London

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.

"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."

07-02-04, 07:37 AM

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"

07-02-04, 07:37 AM
Trading Stocks

A stockbroker was "cold calling" about a penny stock and found Mr. Jones, a client. "I think this one will really move," said the broker, "it's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1000 shares," said Jones. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day Jones looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker "Get me 10,000 more shares," said Jones. "Great," said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he phoned and told the broker, "Sell all my shares."

The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

07-02-04, 07:37 AM
Traffic Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

07-02-04, 05:10 PM
Preacher's Horse Racing Exploits

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

07-02-04, 05:10 PM
Ex-Lax Cough Syrup

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

07-02-04, 05:10 PM
Oceans Of Blondes

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."

07-02-04, 05:12 PM
Butt Crack

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

07-02-04, 05:12 PM
The Lawyer Jury

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

07-02-04, 05:13 PM
Spell Checker

halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

07-02-04, 05:13 PM
Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

07-03-04, 06:44 AM
Traffic Violation

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!!"

07-03-04, 06:44 AM
Traffic Violation 2

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

07-03-04, 06:44 AM
Train Service

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

07-03-04, 06:44 AM
Train Training

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switch lever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switch lever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

07-03-04, 06:45 AM
Travel Brochure Terms, Translated


Old world charm (Room and a bath)

Tropical (Rainy)

Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)

Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)

Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)

Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)

Explore on your own (At your own expense)

Knowledgeable trip hosts (They've flown in an airplane before)

No extra fees (No extras)

Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)

Standard (Sub-standard)

Deluxe (Barely Standard)

Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap)

All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)

Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)

Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)

Light and airy (No air conditioning)

Picturesque (Theme park nearby)

24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost - when available)

07-03-04, 06:45 AM
Travel Policy

Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective immediately:

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should utilize "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as time permits.

07-03-04, 06:45 AM

A man approached a ticket agent and said, "I want to buy a bus ticket for Norwald."

The ticket agent started search his destination book, "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald, anyway?"

"Over there. He's my brother-in-law."

07-03-04, 06:46 AM
The Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

07-03-04, 06:46 AM
Trick or Treat

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.

The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

07-03-04, 06:47 AM
A Trip to the Farm

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a place.

The day came for the trip, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable.

She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him -- he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

07-03-04, 06:47 AM
A Trip to the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? "

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

07-03-04, 06:47 AM
True Meaning

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor.

" P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

07-03-04, 06:48 AM
True Meaning of Life

My daughter is going to middle school and I thought I should start talking to her about some serious stuff, such as the meaning of life.

Her response: "My meaning of life is to please Mommy."

So then I asked: "What about Daddy?"

She said: "Your meaning of life is to please Mommy, too".

07-03-04, 06:48 AM
A True Possum Story

When you own a house, there is no shortage of unpleasant and disgusting tasks that must be performed on a regular basis. Eventually, Induhviduals will handle those chores. For now, Pam and I divide the labor for disgusting tasks this way: Pam alerts me that a disgusting task must be performed, then I perform it. This system has worked well for spider assassinations, clogged shower drains, toxic spills, and all manner of cat box issues. Recently Pam alerted me that a possum was at the bottom of the swimming pool. My job was to get it out.

This was my most challenging job yet.

As a vegetarian, I can only handle seeing dead animals up to a certain size before I get a serious case of the heebie jeebies. I'm not too bothered looking at dead bugs and mice, under the theory that "they are little." But this possum was way above my heebie jeebie threshold. Worse yet, possums are notorious for pretending to be dead. I wasn't about to be fooled by the oldest trick in the animal kingdom.

I looked carefully to see if the possum was breathing through a thin reed of some sort. I saw nothing. Nor did I see any air tanks or diving apparatus. The only possibility was that he was holding his breath. I checked the Internet to see how long a possum can hold its breath. Apparently much research needs to be done in that area.

As luck would have it, today was the day the pool cleaning service was scheduled to clean the pool. If I pretended I didn't know there was a possum down there, the pool guy would have to fish it out. That way HE would be the one embarrassed by the possum's trickery. The only problem with that approach is that if the possum was really dead, the pool guy would have to leave it somewhere. He certainly wasn't going to take it with him in the truck. ("Here, little buddy, you ride shotgun.") If I were the pool guy, I'd be mad that I had to take a possum out of a pool. For revenge, I'd try to think up a funny place to put it, like in the hammock.

So I decided to take care of the job myself. I took the pool-cleaning apparatus that has a shallow net on the end of a long pole. That is the preferred tool for possum removal. Not only can it reach the bottom of the pool, but because it's long, it has the leverage you need to fling the possum over the fence and into the neighbor's pool.

This method worked well. The only problem is that every other day the possum is back in my pool. I expect some tension at the next neighborhood block party.

07-03-04, 06:48 AM
True Worth

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

One student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments: "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"

Phantom Blooper
07-03-04, 07:12 AM
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their
first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack
Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real
exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely
mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they
realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game
has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given
information, what inning is it and how many players
are on base?
> Answer:
> it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........


07-03-04, 01:21 PM
A lawyer was getting out of his BMW when a car came speeding along and ripped the door off the car. When the police arrived, the man was jumping up and down and screaming about his car door being damaged. The officer gets out and says, "You lawyers are so materalistic, you are so mad about the car being damaged that you didn't even notice that your arm has been ripped off too." The lawyer looks down at his arm and says, "Oh my God, Where's my Rolex?"

07-03-04, 01:26 PM
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "no", the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "NO'" said the little boy----"I give up", she said. "What is it? The boy replied, "it's a puppy!"

07-04-04, 06:33 AM

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

07-04-04, 06:33 AM
The Truth

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline:


Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:


07-04-04, 06:34 AM
The Truth About Nutrition

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


07-04-04, 06:34 AM
Truth in Advertising

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 1990's:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."

07-04-04, 06:35 AM
Truth in Advertising

Tom's note: For those of you who are not familiar with US postage rates, the Postal Service has a ready supply of stamps which do not have a numeric denomination on them, but rather the stamps have a letter of the alphabet. When they are used, the letter assignment represents the correct postage. These "alphabet stamps" are treated as correct postage until the Postal Service can print stamps with the proper numeric denomination.

The important thing you need to know for this story is that the "H" stamp was used the last time postal rates changed in the US.


The New York Times website carried this story today (04/20/2000):

By The Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Those stamps marked with letters of the alphabet -- used when the price of mailing a letter changes -- have come to an end.

[--- 8< --- snip ---]

The spokesman didn't say it, but ending the alphabet series at this point also avoids the next logical step in the series, the "I-rate" stamp.

07-04-04, 06:35 AM
Truth in Advertising - 2

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for the 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition: "Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's: "Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."

07-04-04, 06:36 AM
Truth in Seminars

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:


(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered ...

07-04-04, 06:36 AM
The Tunnel

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks***, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


***Pop Rocks: Introduced in 1975 by General Foods, these fruit-flavored nuggets delighted kids with their "fizzle." Small amounts of carbonation were released when the candy was placed in the mouth, causing both a mild "exploding" sensation and resulting in a satisfying "sizzling" noise kids loved.

07-04-04, 06:36 AM
Turn About

My sister's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."

07-04-04, 06:37 AM
Turtle Mugging

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

07-04-04, 06:37 AM

A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where. Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

"Not to me it don't," replied the boy.

07-04-04, 06:38 AM
TV Cable Feature

The cable system down here in Naples, Florida (Media One) has this really neat function if you're using a cable box: Whenever you turn on the TV (or change the channel) a small window appears at the bottom of the TV screen, telling you what show is on, air times, and how many minutes into it they are.

Special reports would preempt the regular schedule. Thus, the information window would not match what was shown on the screen. Some weeks ago, NBC did a special report called "The President and the People." I was channel surfing, stopped at NBC for a moment, and nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the sight I saw.

Picture it: On the TV, Bill Clinton's face saying something. Beneath his picture, a popup window with the caption, "The Pretender."

07-05-04, 06:16 AM
Twas the Month After Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

07-05-04, 06:17 AM
'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of
A Visit From St. Nicholas ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...



07-05-04, 06:17 AM
A 21st Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

07-05-04, 06:17 AM
24 Hour Service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

07-05-04, 06:18 AM
Twinkie Failure Testing

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack food to the following experiments:


A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."


A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the radiation experiment.


A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.

07-05-04, 06:18 AM

A friend of mine gets peeved when passers-by pat his twin three-year-olds on the head and ask, 'Are they twins?' But he has found what he considers the perfect reply. 'No, they're not,' he says. 'I've got two wives'.


Tom's note: I have twin sons (they are adults now) and I noticed that when they were toddlers, most people would ask, "Are they twins?" Here's two little boys, same size, dressed alike and being transported in identical strollers. What would you think? Actually, the only people who noticed that they were twins were the people who had twins themselves.


07-05-04, 06:19 AM

One day, a married couple bore twin sons. They couldn't afford to keep them, however, so they put them up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal.

Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, the original mother said "I'm so glad that he's happy. And what a wonderful picture. I wish we had a picture of Amal. I wonder what he looks like."

And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

07-05-04, 06:19 AM

Recently a young woman came into my father's insurance office with her newborn twins.

Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.

She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth."


07-05-04, 06:19 AM

Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip, though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed, "Look, a pair!"

07-05-04, 06:20 AM
Two Atoms

Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."

07-05-04, 06:20 AM
Two Boys

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

07-05-04, 06:20 AM
Two Careers

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

07-05-04, 06:21 AM
Two Conversations

Here are two versions of the same conversation.

Female version:

Woman-1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman-2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman-1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman-2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman-1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman-2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Male version:

Man-1: Haircut?
Man-2: Yeah.

07-05-04, 06:21 AM
Two For the Price of One

The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn't have any money with him.

"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:04 AM
just like a woman to have the last word

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and h is new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:14 AM
The Associated Press is carrying a story (June 13) that appeared on my.yahoo.com as follows:
Ex-President Bush Makes Birthday Skydive

I really like that story. Not only is it inspiring to see an 80-year-old man successfully attempt a feat that many of us wouldn't dare try even in our youth, but it is especially inspiring to see a national headline start with the words "Ex-President Bush."

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:20 AM
An attorney returned home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by his wife's sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered - to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:24 AM
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Patty, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with mom that night. They said, "Okay."

After my next trip several weeks later, Patty and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was!

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:28 AM

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:36 AM
Attorney season



1300.01 GENERAL

Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, *****houses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
Honest Attorney EXTINCT
Cut-throat 2
Back-stabbing Whiner 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:47 AM
Oprah Winfrey

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport?

Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack...

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:50 AM
It's not the meat

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:52 AM
Johnny at the Zoo

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?" Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is spoiled, son."

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 09:56 AM
I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a ***** I'm looking for will be on the front page."

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 10:03 AM
A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.

The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked:

"How much did you pay for it?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 10:14 AM

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?" "How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"

Ed Palmer
07-05-04, 10:18 AM

The Royal Outing

(laugh, sexual, offense=loyalists)

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

07-06-04, 07:43 AM
Two Heads Are Better Than One

Last weekend I was driving from Milwaukee to Chicago with my wife.

Wisconsin had recently installed new scoreboard-style highway signs that keep commuters up-to-date on current traffic conditions and at the time the message read, "Change speed to 50 MPH A HEAD."

I thought, "There are two heads in this car at the moment so..." and then looked over at my wife who, without waiting for me to say anything, simply said, "No."

She knows me too well.

07-06-04, 07:43 AM
Two Lines.....

Up in Heaven there are two lines: One with a sign that says, "If you were henpecked, line up here", the other saying, "If you weren't henpecked, line up here."

One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals, and he saw the "Henpecked" line going on forever... while the "Non-henpecked" line only had 1 guy standing in it.

St. Peter walked up to him and said, "You mean to tell me you were never henpecked in your whole life??"

The guy said, "Well I don't know about that. All I know is this is where my wife told me to stand."

07-06-04, 07:43 AM
Two Psychiatrists

A psychiatrist asks a colleague: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

07-06-04, 07:44 AM
Ulterior Motive

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."

07-06-04, 07:44 AM

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.

Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.

"I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

07-06-04, 07:44 AM

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

07-06-04, 07:45 AM

One day on his way to work, my husband stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain.

Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave.

"That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded.

Abashed at his mistake, he walked on to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived.

Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day.

That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier.

She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked: "You did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"

07-06-04, 07:45 AM

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.

"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.

The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."

The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"

The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"

The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.

The little boy became excited. "That is the little puppy that I want to buy."

The store owner replied, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."

The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."

To this, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"


07-06-04, 07:45 AM
Understanding the Metric System

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards (or is it 52 cards = 1 deck-a-cards?)

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

10 rations = 1 decoration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickles = 2 paradigms

07-06-04, 07:46 AM
Unemployment Office

"Last name?"


"First name?"


"Excuse me?"

"Big...Big Bird."


"Sesame Street."

"Sesame Street?"


"What is the number on the house?"

"Well...I don't know."

"Have you ever filled out a claim before?"


"Previous employer?"

"The Public Broadcasing System."

"What was your position?"


"No, no, I mean were you an executive, a sales rep, a consultant...?"

"Well, I was just a bird... isn't that a job?"

"How long were you employed as a... bird?"

"Let's see...1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

"What are you doing?"

"Counting the number of years I was with PBS."

"Don't you know offhand?"

"I'm just so used to counting things."

"Oh... is that what you did for PBS... inventory?"

"No... I just counted things."

"You counted things... you mean you were a counting bird?"

"Yes... well, sometimes I did letters."

"Mr. Bird..."

"Please, call me Big Bird."

"Mr. Bird, you're not helping much. How can I get you your
unemployment benefits if I can't find out what you did for a living?"

"I'm sorry, Miss Unemployment Person."

"What else can you do besides count and read?"

"I can walk around my neighborhood and help kids."

"You mean like a counselor?"

"I guess so... is that someone who counts?"

"No, it... never mind... do you have any references?"

"Well, there's Oscar the Grouch and Snuffleupagus."

"Can you at least tell me why you were let go from your last job?"

"I don't know... a lot of us can't go there anymore. Elmo, Kermit,
The Frugal Gourmet, Mr. Pavoratti."

"Have you tried networking?"

"No, Mr. Hooper always told me to stay away from the networks."

"Mr. Bird, bring these forms back in 2 weeks listing your job

"Won't you believe me if I just told you I looked for a job?"

"Mr. Bird, I don't make the rules."

"Who makes the rules? Can you teach me?"

"Mr. Bird, it's a long story. I'll see you in 2 weeks for

"OK... thank you for helping me."

"You're welcome... Mr. Bird, before you go, I just thought of
something. Someone was in here last week who acted just like you.
Maybe he could help you out."

"That's wonderful! Do you have his name?"

"I don't remember his last name... it was Barney something..."

07-06-04, 07:46 AM
Unexpected Knock

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "If I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

07-06-04, 07:47 AM
Union Contract

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.

"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"

"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.

"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.

"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"


A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

Ed Palmer
07-06-04, 07:57 AM
I think I went through boot with this guy
Telephone man in the Marines

A telphone man joined the Marines. As part of his
basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the
target with every shot! His Drill Instructor
tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why
can't you hit the target? What were you in
civilian life?"

"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit,
"and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let
me see..."

The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his
rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time.
He then put his finger in front of the muzzle,
pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his
finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble
must be on the other end!"

Phantom Blooper
07-06-04, 05:24 PM
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for

what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to

cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,

leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was

anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars,

so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling


As he peered by the gradually fading light of his

flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries,

like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,

"It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the

underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and

the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses

repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and

try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,

turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face

and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale

to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A

horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher

"because the black horse don't know $h*t about cars!" :banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-06-04, 09:26 PM
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle..."

The old woman fainted.

07-06-04, 10:00 PM
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday,
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to
increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator
Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He
also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES
9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the
Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name,
Running Eagle.

After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle
is a bird so full of **** it can't fly.

07-07-04, 08:02 AM
University Classroom

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

07-07-04, 08:03 AM
UNIX Consultant

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code
of a program ?

UNIX consultant: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it ?

UNIX consultant: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one ?

UNIX consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX consultant: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?

UNIX consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one ?

UNIX consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program'
to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this ?

UNIX consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when
I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is
better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
Pascal Compiler team.


07-07-04, 08:03 AM
Unnecessary Inventions

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.

**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

**Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

**The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

**Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

**Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

**Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

**Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

07-07-04, 08:04 AM
Unusual Paragraph

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! You probably won't, at first, find anything particularly odd or unusual or in any way dissimilar to any ordinary composition. That is not at all surprising, for it is no strain to accomplish in so short a paragraph a stunt similar to that which an author did throughout all of his book, without spoiling a good writing job, and it was no small book at that. By studying this paragraph assiduously, you will shortly, I trust, know what is its distinguishing oddity. Upon locating that "mark of distinction," you will probably doubt my story of this author and his book of similar unusuality throughout. It is commonly known among book-conscious folk and proof of it is still around. If you must know, this sort of writing is known as a lipogram, but don't look up that word in any dictionary until you find out what this is all about.


(Scroll down for the answer)


The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the text of the long paragraph. Nor did the letter "e" appear even once among the over 50,000 words of text in the novel "Gadsby: Champion of Youth" by Ernest Vincent Wright.

From the Encyclopedia Britanica: lipogram - a written text deliberately composed of words not having a certain letter (such as the "Odyssey of Tryphiodorus", which had no alpha in the first book, no beta in the second, and so on).

07-07-04, 08:04 AM
Urges and Feelings

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

07-07-04, 08:04 AM
A Useful Tip

In promulgating your esoteric cogitation or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiation have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

07-07-04, 08:05 AM
User Error ...

Today at work I was moving a computer system and listening to the conversation at the point of sale. A customer had brought his caller ID box back into the store and was rather irritably asking for a refund, as the device didn't work.

The customer service rep had taken it out of the box and was making sure that the customer had attached it to his phone properly. During her demonstration of the proper way to hook up the gadget, she removed the static cling label off the front, which showed a sample caller ID screen on it.

It was difficult for her to maintain a straight face as the customer realized the reason the numbers on the front never changed . . .

07-07-04, 08:05 AM
Usher's Revenge

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, ............ "The wife did it."

07-07-04, 08:05 AM
USPS Virus Warning

Postmaster General Warning...

The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning a matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS. Apparently, a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at Dartmouth that is unparalleled in its destructive capability.

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service, is the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for someone new to be infected. It can be spread through the existing mail systems of the world. Once a person is infected, one of several things can happen. If the virus is not stopped, it can place the person's nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before long. Unfortunately, most novice mail users will not realize what is happening before it is too late.

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the "Million Dollar" virus. It always travels to new hosts the same way: in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on the envelope.

Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received--don't read it. The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that cause a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's central nervous system. The virus is highly intelligent--it will force the victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone whose mailing address is contained in an address book or on a piece of received mail, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the nervous system it has taken over.

The bottom line here is--if you receive a piece of mail with "You May Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out immediately! Do not read it! Rest assured that whoever's name was in the return address was surely struck by the virus.

Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to their health! It could save them a lot of time and money.

07-07-04, 08:06 AM

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

07-07-04, 08:06 AM
Vacation Experience

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the man said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

"Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" his wife cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."

07-07-04, 08:07 AM
Vanishing Dinosaurs

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

07-07-04, 05:05 PM
South African Edition Of Windows 98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver.

New Features:
OK = samblief
Cancel = Aikona
Undo = auk! mistake!
Redo = aikona, not mistake!
Save = Ekke ek bere hom
find = Ekke ek soek hom
help = ah dunno
start = stat
settings = (pre-set on this edition)
run = hamba
personal folder = my thieengs
Shut Down = Chaila

Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98"

MS Werd = a word processor
calculata = calculator
scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of
local off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

07-07-04, 05:06 PM
Gas Attack

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she ****s on you!"

07-07-04, 05:07 PM
Sexual Star Wars Trilogy Lines


'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'She's fast enough for you, old man.'


'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod..'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'Possible, he came through the south entrance.'

'But now we must eat, Come...good food, come...'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.'

'Control, control, you must learn control!'


'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.'

'You're a jittery little thing aren't you?'

'In time you will call me master.'

'A little higher, just a little higher.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'Grab it, almost..you almost got it. Gently now, alright, easy, easy...'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else!'

'What could possibly have come over Master Luke?'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

07-07-04, 05:07 PM
Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those ****heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

07-07-04, 05:08 PM
Spam I Am

My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!

I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!

You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!

How stupid do you think I am?
I won't join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we'd all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!

I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you're charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don't you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Don't pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won't buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!

07-07-04, 05:09 PM
Blonde One Liners XXIV

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

07-07-04, 05:09 PM
A CD Player

While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

07-07-04, 05:10 PM
Flying Cows

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says,

1. "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

2. "Good thing that cows don't fly."

07-07-04, 05:11 PM
The Rodeo

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to another guy. They soon get into a deep discussion about their sex lives and after a few the cowboy asks the other dude, "Have you ever heard of the Rodeo Position?" The other man said he hadn't so the cowboy continued in saying "Well, you mount your wife from behind, cup her breasts firmly, and say'Hey,these are almost as good as your sister's. See if you can stay on for 8 seconds."

07-07-04, 05:12 PM
Top 10 Reasons Why Bossk Is The Coolest Bounty Hunter

10. His action figure kicks butt.

9. Two words: live lunch.

8. His ship, "The Hound's Tooth," has *****in' flame decals and fuzzy dice.

7. It's easier to give someone the middle finger since he's only got three fingers.

6. He's the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.

5. His bloddshot eyes are from constant partying.

4. He's nice to his mother.

3. He had the nerve to threaten an Imperial admiral on the Empire's flagship.

2. He skins Wookiees. 'Nuff said.

1. Can eat his own weight in Ewoks.

Phantom Blooper
07-07-04, 06:47 PM

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out

1. When de-canting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.


1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable , say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession.


07-08-04, 07:46 AM
Vase on the Mantel

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a snack, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He asks "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He responds, "Geez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

07-08-04, 07:46 AM

A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother. She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when the friend had to use the restroom.

Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend asked, "What'll I do if he cries?"

"Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back.

It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.

07-08-04, 07:47 AM
The Verdict

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"

07-08-04, 07:47 AM
Veterinarian vs Doctor

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

07-08-04, 07:48 AM
Veterinarian Mysteries

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

07-08-04, 07:48 AM
At the Vet's Office

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

07-08-04, 07:48 AM
Vet's Office

Sign in a veterinarian's office:

"All unattended children will be given a free kitten."

07-08-04, 07:49 AM
Vincent Van Gough

Vincent Van Gogh had a real large family.
Here's a listing of some of his lesser known relatives.

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U.Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white - Hue Gogh

The sister who wore a mini skirt and liked to dance in bars...Go Gogh

The real obnoxious brother ......................Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ......................Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store .....Stop N Gogh

His dizzy aunt ..................................Verti Gogh

The cousin who moved to Illinois ................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle...............................Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico ..................Amee Gogh

Another cousin who lived in Mexico ..............Grin Gogh

Nephew that drove a stage coach..................Wells Far Gogh

Uncle who was constipated....................... Cant Gogh

Aunt who was a good dancer..................... TanGogh


07-08-04, 07:49 AM
More Van Gough's

More relatives who can be added to Vincent Van Gogh's family:

One of the Beatles......................................Ring Gogh

The uncle who was a Mexican marijuana grower .......... Acapulco Gogh

His twin that was full of himself ..................... E. Gogh

His second self ....................................... Alter E. Gogh

The uncle who was addicted to gambling ................ Bing Gogh

The cousin who was a Spanish American drum player ..... Pepe BonGogh

Tycoon uncle who made it big in the freight business .. Car Gogh


07-08-04, 07:49 AM
Vintage Beauty

A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time.

"Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1" tall, weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?"

"One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"

07-08-04, 07:50 AM
Violin Practice

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

07-08-04, 07:50 AM
The Vision

A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do ?"

The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy !"

07-08-04, 07:50 AM
Visiting Rome

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome young steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? .... What did he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"

Phantom Blooper
07-08-04, 10:34 AM
1) My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was
God and I didn't!

(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

(6) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

(10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

(11) I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

(12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

(13) Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

(14) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

(15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

(16) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

(17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

(18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

(19) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

(20) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

(21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

(22) Procrastinate Now!

(23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

(24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

(25) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

(26) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

(27) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

(28) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

(29) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

(30) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

(31) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

(32) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a

(33) The trouble with life is there's no background music.


07-08-04, 11:45 AM
(34) Did you eat a bowl of Stupid for breakfast?

(35) Keep honking, I'm reloading.

(36) My God, I hope stupidity isn't contagious.

(37) On a job application, never write "Yes Please" on the Sex? portion.

07-08-04, 01:21 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo who?
Car-go beep-beep.

God I love it. You gotta.
That is thee greatest joke in the world.

:p :banana: :p

Phantom Blooper
07-08-04, 09:38 PM
A man walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if the store carried condoms with insecticide in them.

The pharmacist replied, " You mean spermicide."

The man said, " No, I mean insecticide. My wife has some kinda bug up her *ss and I'm going in after it."

Phantom Blooper
07-08-04, 09:39 PM
A man, obviously very distraught, carried his dog into a veterinarian's office and laid the dog on the table.

The man said, "Doc, my dog is very sick! You have to do something for him!" The vet checked the dog over and told the fellow, "I hate to have to break it to you, but your dog isn't sick, he's dead".

The fellow replied, "Dead?, How can he be dead? He's just sick. You gotta do something!"

The vet turned to his assistant, and said, "OK, bring the tabby". The assistant brought in a cat and sat it on the table in front of the dog. The cat sniffed all over the dog's face, walked across the length of the dog's body, and bit the dog on the tail. No response.

The dog's owner finally conceded, "You're right. I guess he is dead. How much do I owe you?"

The vet replied, $825.00. The man freaked out, "$825.00! What for?"

The vet said, "Well, $25.00 for my fee and $800.00 for the cat scan".


Phantom Blooper
07-08-04, 09:42 PM
A fellow walks into a trucking office to apply for a job driving a truck. He goes in for the interview, and promptly tells the gentle man " before we get into this, I have to let you know that if you hire me you have to hire my "A" driver Leroy, because we have been together 20 years." the gentleman says "well, let me ask you a question. You are going down a steep grade and you lose your brakes,you are picking up speed and doing about 90 miles an hour, at the bottom of the hill is a one lane bridge, but you see another truck about to cross the bridge at the same time you will get there, there is a 500 foot drop off if you miss the bridge, what are you going to do?" the guy says " well, I'm gonna wake Leroy up" The man gets all excited and says "WHY ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP LEROY?" And the guy says " well, me and Leroy has been together for 20 years, and he ain't never seen a wreck like we fixen to have.":banana:

07-09-04, 08:37 AM
Visiting VIP's

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIP's would be touring the plant in just a few minutes.

All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.

07-09-04, 08:37 AM

My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."

07-09-04, 08:38 AM
Visual Acuity Tes

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began. "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


07-09-04, 08:38 AM

"I would like some vitamins for my son," the mother said as she walked into the pharmacy.

"Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist.

"It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."

07-09-04, 08:38 AM

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

07-09-04, 08:39 AM
Vultures With Luggage

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

07-09-04, 08:39 AM
Wacky 911 Calls, Part 1


The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?"
by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory.
To listen to real (and really stupid) 911 calls, go to Wacky 911 Calls!


(I'm sure that those of you who work the 911 lines could add volumes to this as well.)


A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."

A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"

A man called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.

Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.

A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go over to her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.

A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.

A woman called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.

A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.

A person called to find out the number to the police station.

07-09-04, 08:40 AM
Wacky 911 Calls, Part 2


The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?"
by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory.
To listen to real (and really stupid) 911 calls, go to Wacky 911 Calls!


Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "Could you send the police to my house?"
Call-taker: "What's wrong there?"
Caller: "I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."
Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"
Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way):
"Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"
Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."
Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall ... I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone."

Nurse: "This is Room 314D - that's 'D' as in dead."

Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off ... this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

07-09-04, 08:40 AM
Waiting for the Hostess

The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."

07-09-04, 08:41 AM

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"

Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

07-09-04, 08:41 AM

A poll conducted among INFOCUS magazine readers had established "waka"
as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < or >.

The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original
authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary
of Grand Rapids, MI.

The text of the poem follows:

<> !*''#
%*<> ~#4

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

07-09-04, 06:04 PM
Airline Safety

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

07-09-04, 06:05 PM
Rejected Nursey Rhymes

Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

07-09-04, 06:06 PM
Almost Got Caught

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

07-09-04, 06:07 PM
Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

07-09-04, 06:08 PM
Lawyer's Charity

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

07-09-04, 06:08 PM
Four Worms and a Funeral

Four Worms and a Funeral

Rating: 2.83
Joke Style: Jokes
This joke can be found in: Morals
Printer friendly version of this joke

Four worms were placed INTO four separate jars. The first worm was put INTO a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put INTO a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put INTO a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put INTO a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

07-09-04, 07:34 PM
"Who's On First?" - the Tech Support Version

A remake of Abbot &Costello's who's on first... Abbot &Costello's

take on the 21st century and computers...

ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm

thinking of buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you


ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's

say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do

I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.

But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a

straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need

if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none

of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,

three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a

movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.

It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even

part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.

But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do

you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra

charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll

still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for


COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.

Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home

business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need


COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for

the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word?

Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need

something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was


COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,

I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?

Oh, well. Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

07-09-04, 10:24 PM
Find Out If You're Too Stressed Out:


07-10-04, 07:25 AM
Walking to School

You probably know of those "walking to school" stories ... I walked to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow .....

Well, when I was a kid, I really did walk 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did I feel stupid when I found out there was a bus.

07-10-04, 07:25 AM

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

07-10-04, 07:26 AM
Wal-Mart Wine

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

15.Box O' Grapes

14.Chateau du Crack Chardonnay

13.White Trashfindel

12.Big Red Gulp

11.Grape Expectations

10.Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

9.Sam's Dog 20/20

8.Chef Boyardeaux

7.Trucker's Choice

6.Blue Light Special Nun

5.Chateau des Moines

4.Mogen Darryl

3.I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2.World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

07-10-04, 07:26 AM
Walking Home

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

07-10-04, 07:27 AM
Want a Job?

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.


It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop complaining and get back to work.

07-10-04, 07:27 AM
Want to Go Hi-Tech?

This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he askes him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" Our fella asks "How many countries have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours!"

Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch!" and then handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"