Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

SGLI


Private Jones was assigned to the Army Induction Center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the Center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[thedrifter]

The Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced towards him out of a dust cloud. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a GPS navigation system, scans the area and opens a database and some 60 spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints a 150-page report on a miniature printer, turns to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.

As the car starts to pull away, he calls out: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not?" answers the young man, stopping the car.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess?"

"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here without being asked. You want to be paid for information I already have. And you don't know anything about my business because you just took my dog."

[thedrifter]

Sherlock and the IRS


A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" replied the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

[thedrifter]

Shhhh!


On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

[thedrifter]

Shhh.....

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawenes."

[thedrifter]

Shhhhh...


A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.

A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello". The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."

The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too." The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."

The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department ". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too." The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing?" The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."

[Phantom Blooper]

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.


Angelina says, "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickn a his nose





ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I justa canna taka dis anymore."



The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?

What have you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true.

I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.

Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.





I always follow ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:"

Number one -you always keepa your nose clean.

Ana number two - never screw up.
:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Shift-Key FAQ

Unleash the Power of Shift!

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

a. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it in the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

[thedrifter]

Ship Shape


(Originally from the Reader's Digest)

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?" Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

[thedrifter]

Shoe Purchase


A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ...they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he replied

[thedrifter]

Shoe Repair


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[thedrifter]

Shopping Mall




"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll just browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

[thedrifter]

Shopping With The Wife


"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter.

The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

[thedrifter]

The Shredder


A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8:00 p.m. he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."

[thedrifter]

Sidewalk Cafe


My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, California. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a stare and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

[thedrifter]

Signature


Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to write, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

[thedrifter]

Sign in a Bait Shop




"If you are ice fishing and your car breaks through the ice in water more than fifty feet deep, remember to exhale slowly as you ascend to avoid bursting your lungs. Also, watch for walleye and, if possible, note their approximate depth and what they are feeding on."

[thedrifter]

Signs - Here and There


The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

[thedrifter]

Signs of the Times




SIGNS THAT DON'T QUITE GIVE THE INTENDED MESSAGE

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant …"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant … "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store … "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home … "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

Outside a country shop in West Virginia … "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store … "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago … "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant … "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company …"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store … "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston … "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon …"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway … "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut … "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building … "Mental Health Prevention Center"






SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases … "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward … "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash … "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store … "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor … "Ask about our layaway plan."

[thedrifter]

Signs That You Are a New Father


Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

[thedrifter]

Signs the Car You Just Bought is a Lemon


1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moes's Towing Company.

3. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

7. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

8. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you drive by, it silently falls in behind you.

9. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Signs You Are in Bakersfield, California


YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN BAKERSFIELD, CA. WHEN......

1. A date to the Melodrama is the "theater".
2. You have to explain to company from out of town, what animal
"tri-tip" comes from and that it's indigenous to the area.
3. You buy salsa by the gallon.
4. You think a red traffic light is merely a suggestion.
5. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October,
but clear out before the end of April.
6. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
8. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
9. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
10. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
11. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
12. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to
drive your car.
13. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
14. The pool can be warmer than you are.
15. You can make sun tea instantly.
16. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace.
17. People with black cars or black upholstery are assumed to be
from out-of-town.
18. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.
19. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature
as the water from the hot one.
20. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
21. Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
22. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
23. And finally, no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery
in a car.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Alaskan


Tom's Note: I have seen another version of this, sent as "You know you are Canadian when..."

This one was sent as "You know you are Alaskan when..."

Having lived in Alaska (Kodiak 1968-69), I tend to believe that the list is more appropriate to our 49th state, no slight intended to my Canadian Neighbors.

PS: The Alaska State Insect is the Dragonfly (it eats mosquitos!)
I'm not making that up.

[thedrifter]

Signs you Might Be Alaskan, Part 2




Carolyn said that the list was right on target having lived at Fort Wainwright for 3 years. She added a few new "signs" of being Alaskan. Here they are:

1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.

2. Your town has no stray animals.

3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.

4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.

5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".

6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.

7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.

8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad until April or May.
-- Lovisa said that the jack-0-lanterns don't last til spring because the moose come up on the porch in November and eat them.

9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
-- That's for sure. When I was in Kodiak, 40 degrees (F) was considered warm enough for a bathing suit. - Tom

10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole different meaning than in the Lower 48.

11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard before you can come in from the bathroom. (Carolyn says that this actually happened to a friend of hers).


The two most common questions were to identify Sorels and Zamboni.

Sorels are warm, winter boots, considered by some to be "the best cold-weather boots in the world." They are manufactured by Kaufman Footwear, a Canadian company.

A Zamboni is a machine for resurfacing ice. Frank J. Zamboni (1901-1988) invented the first ice resurfacing machine in the early 1940's. The machines still carry his name to this day. The "Zamboni" has had a tremendous impact on skating and ice sports throughout the world.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Canadian


(With apologies to my Northern Neighbors)

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You know Toronto is not a province.

3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"

8. You never miss "Coaches Corner".

9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

12. You know what a tuque is.

13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

16. You sit on a chesterfield not a couch - that's some small town in Quebec!

17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

18. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"

21. Back Bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favorite food groups.

22. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.

23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

24. You participated in "Participaction".

25. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale: "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".

26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.

27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.

28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.

33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.

35. You have some momento of Doug and Bob.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Canadian (Translated)


Each of the original statements is immediately followed by any needed translation
and is then followed by selected comments by my Canadian friends.

================================================== ========================
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
--------------------------------------------------
Whut are "movies"? We dun gots us "pitcher shows" in this necka tha wuds, EH!

================================================== ========================
2. You know Toronto is not a province.
--------------------------------------------------
In Canada, Toronto is not considered either a city or province.
It is the centre of the universe.

================================================== ========================
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just
spilled my poutine. "

[Serviette (sir-vee-ET) - a table napkin.]

[Poutine (pou-TEEN) - a French Canadian fast food: french fries (chips) with
cheese curd and brown gravy.]
--------------------------------------------------
A poutine is one of my favourite foods. It's delicious.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds disgusting doesn't it? It's a Quebec thing.
--------------------------------------------------
A delicacy.
--------------------------------------------------
My future husband explained "poutine" to me this evening. *ahem* cheese curd
isn't bad. hehehe
--------------------------------------------------
Ah my favorite. Ummm Ummm, looks gross but tastes great.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds gross, but it's totally yummy!!
--------------------------------------------------
Poutine is something that may sound disgusting but is amazingly good if made
correctly. The best place to get it is from the street vendors in Ottawa.
Burger King tried to cash in on our love for poutine, but failed. It's the
worst poutine ever!
--------------------------------------------------
McDonald's is the only major fast food place up here that doesn't sell it.
Wendy's, A&W and Dairy Queen carry it.
--------------------------------------------------
Man, you can just hear the arteries clogging. For the record, Montreal, Quebec
poutine is the best.
--------------------------------------------------
The sauce has to be thick 'n' heavy enough
to lube a crankshaft for 80,000 klicks... Mmmmm-HMMM!

================================================== ========================
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
--------------------------------------------------
Hey, if it's covered in chocolate and in the shape of a bar it's a chocolate bar.

================================================== ========================
5. You drink pop, not soda.
--------------------------------------------------
Well I don't really know why we call it pop but I never heard a "soda sound"
while opening a fizzy drink but I sure have heard a "pop sound" before.

================================================== ========================
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
--------------------------------------------------
Pogey is maritime slang for collecting unemployment insurance. Some of us have
never collected in our lives. Others dip in as soon as they have the required
weeks accumulated.
--------------------------------------------------
How else would the unemployed pay rent and buy beer?
--------------------------------------------------
Unemployment Insurance, or as it's now called "Employment Insurance" Don't
ask - we don't understand that one either!
--------------------------------------------------
The governement has interfered so much with this benefit that workers need a
full time job to be able to qualify for the support payments.

================================================== ========================
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
--------------------------------------------------
A mickey is a (just a second, I have to check a bottle) 375mL bottle of alcohol.
--------------------------------------------------
A "2-4" is a 24 pack of beer.... real beer... not that American water stuff.
--------------------------------------------------
The long weekend in May, obsensibly to celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday
on the Twenty-Fourth, is called the 2-4 weekend -- first big bash at the lake.
--------------------------------------------------
Camp is the Ontario term for what we in the West call the cottage, a summer home,
usually at a lake. Some 'camps' are larger and more well appointed than many
permanent homes.

================================================== ========================
8. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
--------------------------------------------------
Hmm. This Canadian does.
--------------------------------------------------
Ever heard of Don Cherry? Well if you watch Hockey Night in Canada don't change
channels between periods because this guy is pretty brutal.
--------------------------------------------------
One of Canada's most beloved hockey personalities (beloved by some, despised by
others) Don Cherry (he used to coach the Boston Bruins, so he does have American
ties) has a short segment during intermission on Hockey Night In Canada (the
Saturday night hockey game). This segment, called Coaches Corner, is a time
when Don, along with hockey commentator Ron Maclean, discuss the game in their
unique style. It is tremendously entertaining, as Don Cherry is as politically
in-correct as a person can get (but he's certainly not offensive) and he and
Ron shoot verbal jabs at each other. It's very hard to describe the novelty
of it - it's unique! People who don't care for hockey will tune in just to see
Don and Ron during intermission. It's very funny!
--------------------------------------------------
An intermission feature on TV broadcasts of NHL hockey. Ron McLean is the straight
man to Don Cherry, an opinionated former NHL coach, very taken with loud ties, high
collared shirts, and himself.

================================================== ========================
9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
--------------------------------------------------
That's because we have so much of it.
--------------------------------------------------
Doesn't everyone?
--------------------------------------------------
If you don't like the weather in Canada, wait ten minutes, it will change!

================================================== ========================
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to
travel with good cigars and no Americans.
--------------------------------------------------
You bet, it's a good place to party ... I mean take a well deserved holiday.
--------------------------------------------------
Someone has to get the cigars.

================================================== ========================
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead
of telling them to stay out of it.
-------------------------------------------------
There is nobody that cares that much about anything and we figure that we elect
other people so we don't have to.

================================================== ========================
12. You know what a tuque is.

[Tuque (TOUK) or Toque which is the French word - a warm knitted usually pointed
stocking cap.]
--------------------------------------------------
Good heavens... doesn't anyone in the US use a knitted stocking hat for winter?
--------------------------------------------------
A toque is God's gift to Canadians: while being the practically perfect way to
keep one's head warm in the winter (a long, comfy and close-fitting knitted cap,
often with pom-poms on top), it suffices to say that the toque is incontrovertibly
a style of its own.
--------------------------------------------------
What the heck do you wear on your head when YOU go skiing?
--------------------------------------------------
It's pulled down over the ears and covers most of the hairline, but is pushed up
over the eyebrows so we can see into the blizzards.

================================================== ========================
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
--------------------------------------------------
3 bags are sold together for a total of 4 litres (a little under a gallon). You
need a special plastic or ceramic holder (kinda like a pitcher). You put the bag
of milk into the holder, slit off a corner of the plastic bag and then you can
pour the milk. They freeze great.

================================================== ========================
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
--------------------------------------------------
(Northern) Pike is indeed a fish, although that is the fancy name that we give
to the US fishermen we're trying to impress. When Canadians catch 'em they're
called Jackfish.

================================================== ========================
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? No really, I am asking.
(Tom's response: I dunno. After you chop a tree down, you chop it up. You blow
on your hands to warm them up and blow on your soup to cool it off.
Language! Go figure!)

================================================== ========================
16. You sit on a chesterfield not a couch - that's some small town in Quebec!
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, I have a cousin who lives there and you are right, it is small!

[thedrifter]

================================================== ========================
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
--------------------------------------------------
A Robertson screwdriver has a square tip. It is superior as you can stick it
in a screw and the screw will stay on the screwdriver until you have finished
screwing it in.
--------------------------------------------------
4 main sizes.... 0 (smallest)(yellow handle) 1 (green handle) 2 (most common,
red handle) 3 (larges, black handle)

================================================== ========================
18. You have Canadian Tire Money in your kitchen drawers.

[Canadian Tire is a nationwide retail chain selling automotive products,
sporting goods, home and garden hardware and plumbing supplies.]
--------------------------------------------------
There is a department store in Canada called "Canadian Tire". They issue coupons
in the form of Canadian Tire dollars. They are worthless unless you redeem them
at the store. Many Canadians simply leave them lying in their kitchen drawers
with the thought of someday redeeming them.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't shop there often.
--------------------------------------------------
Also something which has been spotted in the hands of confused American tourists
attempting to purchase Big-Macs.
--------------------------------------------------
To encourage cash purchases they give you a small percentage of this Canadian
Tire Money back. It's just fancy looking monopoly money but it has paper bills
for coins. We put it in the kitchen drawers so one day we have enough to buy the
store.
--------------------------------------------------
Just this year I've collected and spent $150 in Canadian Tire money. That's one
free ladder and $40 bucks off a new hunting coat.

================================================== ========================
19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are purple chicklet-type gum that used to be only 5¢ a pack. Of course for
your cheap thrill you got a soapy-tasting chew. Yuck.
--------------------------------------------------
This is a type chewing gum with a unique fruity flavour that has a slightly soapy
taste. You've gotta taste it to know what we are talking about. They taste great
but the gum turns hard after a few minutes of chewing.
--------------------------------------------------
They DO taste like soap. I don't know why people chew it.
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are really bad tasting purple gum. They kind of look like Chiclets. But
they taste like soap.
--------------------------------------------------

================================================== ========================
20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
--------------------------------------------------
You mean like that cute guy on "Due South" that dresses in that darling red uniform?
Of course they all do. :)
--------------------------------------------------
The red serge is their dress uniform, which is worn only for ceremonial events.
The everyday uniform is very much like that worn by American police officers.

================================================== ========================
21. Back Bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
--------------------------------------------------
Known as Canadian Bacon south of the border. Or sometimes Peameal Bacon. Kraft
Dinner is macaroni & cheese in a box.
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, and the other two are poutines and big macs. I think fruit and vegetables
might be another one but I am not sure.

================================================== ========================
22. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
--------------------------------------------------
Amen!
--------------------------------------------------
Other great Canadian comic actors .... Michael J. Fox, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy,
Leslie Nielson, Jim Carey, and others. The best comedy talent in the USA is
obviously Canadian in origin. I will also mention that Peter Jennings and Alex
Trebek are also Canadians, though they are not particularly funny.

================================================== ========================
23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
--------------------------------------------------
Casey and Finnegan were two well-loved puppet characters on a children's show,
called "Mr. Dressup", which ran for 30 years or more. Casey was a little boy
and Finnegan was his dog. Mr. Dressup was Ernie Coombs, a very popular
children's entertainer, who has just recently retired. Similar to Mr. Rogers,
but more jolly!

================================================== ========================
24. You participated in "Participaction".
--------------------------------------------------
"Particip-Action" was a national program, promoting a physically active lifestyle.
People across the country were encouraged to take part in sport and recreational
activities so we wouldn't become a nation of couch potatoes.
--------------------------------------------------
One of my favourite commercials went... "Participaction says, Walk a block a day...
and call us when you get to Winnipeg."
--------------------------------------------------
The initial spur came from a TV commercial that claimed that the average 70 year
old Swede was in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian.

================================================== ========================
25. You have an Inuit Carving by your bedside with the rationale: "What's good
enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
--------------------------------------------------
Inuit Carvings are soapstone carvings made by the Inuit (Eskimos). Several years
ago, some nut-case broke into the Prime Ministers residence. (Some mountie heads
rolled on that one). When the PM heard someone in the house, he grabbed the carving
that was beside his bed and went after the guy. No one got hurt in the incident,
although if you've ever seen the way the PM handles heckler's who get in his face,
you'd be surprised that he didn't brain the intruder!

(Tom's note: I was sent several versions of this story. In some of them, the
intruder was hit in the head with the carving. Who knows what you can do when
you are armed with soapstone?)

================================================== ========================
26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
--------------------------------------------------
I do NOT wonder why there is not a five dollar coin. I think that the two dollar
coin was the stupidest thing ever invented.
--------------------------------------------------
Just for the record, the $5 coin would be a $2 coin in American funds.
--------------------------------------------------
We no longer have 1 or 2 dollar bills in Canada. The $1 bill was replaced by a
coin with a Loon on it, affectionately known as a "Loonie." The $2 coin has a
picture of the Queen on the front and a polar bear on the backside. Inspite of
attempts to have the coin known as a "Queen with a bear behind", for some reason
is known as a "Twoonie."
--------------------------------------------------
You always hate when you buy a 75 cent coffee with a $10 bill and the cashier
replies I have no $5 dollar bills. You then end up with 4 twoonies, 1 loonie
and a quarter. Wouldn't a "fivie" 1 loonie and a quarter be lighter to carry
around all day?

27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't
possess a Canadian passport.
--------------------------------------------------
I happen to have a Canadian passport and under ocupation I have listed
myself as an international assassin/terrorist/spy to avoid suspicion.
--------------------------------------------------
We donut need wun cuzz the best fishin' is rite here in Canader, EH!

================================================== ========================
28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing
'u's from labor, honor, and color.
--------------------------------------------------
American text book authors don't know how to spell. Their labour, although
often honourable and colourful, is not centred in it's efforts in relation to
Canadian spelling.
--------------------------------------------------
You think that's bad? You should see how angry I get when spell-check on Microsoft
Word keeps telling me I don't know how to spell them correctly.
--------------------------------------------------
We cants help it if'n yew fokes donut no how ter spel, EH?

================================================== ========================
29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added",
thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
--------------------------------------------------
All commercial labelling (not just cereal) in Canada have to have bi-lingual
labeling. The labels have to be in French and English.

================================================== ========================
30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
--------------------------------------------------
For sure, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
Don't you get excited when we mention you on our Canadian networks?

================================================== ========================
31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
--------------------------------------------------
Or so they told me at the coffee machine.

[thedrifter]

32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
"Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
--------------------------------------------------
Huh?
--------------------------------------------------
Heck, if a kid starts singing this in the mall, everyone will stop and do
the actions with them!
--------------------------------------------------
Sharon, Lois and Bram are children's entertainers who's theme song is:

Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
I love you in the morning and in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.

There are hand actions. Their TV shows have included "Skin-a-ma-rink" "Sharon,
Lois & Bram" "The Elephant Show" and they currently have another show on the air,
but I can't remember the name. They've been around for ever.

================================================== ========================
33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
--------------------------------------------------
Yech!
--------------------------------------------------
Yeah ... good stuff!
--------------------------------------------------
I can also look at poutine and get hungry even though it looks terrible.
--------------------------------------------------
One is never enough!
--------------------------------------------------
But not in the same day. They are terribly sweet! Residents of Vermont can
probably do the same. We don't see them often around here. And Maple syrup
is priced just below gold on current exchanges.
--------------------------------------------------
That's just from shear endurance and repetition. You got to build up stamina.

================================================== ========================
34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
--------------------------------------------------
I was not disappointed when the Beachcombers were cancelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Not me!! ... crumby show.
--------------------------------------------------
Absoultely. This was a 1970's & 1980's sit-com / drama that took place on the
West Coast (near Vancouver, BC).
--------------------------------------------------
The Beachcombers was a neat show set on the west coast of Canada in a small
town called "Gibson's Landing" known simply as "Gibsons." Bruno Gerusi played
'Nick.' The restaraunt in the show, 'Molly's Reach' was a real restaraunt,
and filming was actually done in the restaraunt.
--------------------------------------------------
I even wrote a letter to the network about it, didn't everyone?

================================================== ========================
35. You have some momento of Doug and Bob.
--------------------------------------------------
Two commedians from the SCTV improv show. They poked fun at the Canadian
stereotype of hockey-crazed, beer swilling, tuque-wearing guys.
So, like take off, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
First of all, I'm Canadian and who the heck are Doug and Bob?
--------------------------------------------------
Bob & Doug MacKenzie were the creation of Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis on SCTV
(Second City TV). Other alumnus of SCTV are John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Andrea
Martin, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara & Martin Short.
--------------------------------------------------
I still have momentos of the boys, including a pirated copy of their full length
movie "Strange Brew". But don't tell anyone. I'm armed with an Inuit carving.

[DebSantos]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8” and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[thedrifter]

Signs you Might Be From Hazleton


SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE FROM HAZLETON...

You know what "henna/hayna" means.

You consider fancy dining to be any meal at the Knotty Pines (or just the "Pines").

You know what Skate Odyssey was.

You used to get ice cream from Scoopers when it used to be Farmer's Dairy.

You had a birhthday party at Aladdin's Castle or the Magic Touch.

You used to shop at Discountland.

You ever hung out at the Laurel Mall and then McDonald's on a Friday night when you were in Junior High.

You work 5 jobs at the Laurel Mall.

You considered getting a Wal-Mart moving up in the world.

You remember when Ollies was K-Mart and K-Mart was Zayres and when Zayres was Ames.

You know what "pitz" is.

You say ain't (even though ain't ain't a word).

You say "youse guys" when speaking to more than one person.

You drive a pick up that is more than 6 feet off the ground.

You can remember when Dominos was Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You can remember when Hazleton Cinemas was only two theaters.

You can remember when the Key theater was really the Majestic.

Gourmet Lunch: Jimmy Dogs.

You thought you were going to die on Angela Park's roller coaster.

Two words: Bingo Eddie's. How much more Hazleton does it get?

You remember that the Laurel Mall site was once a public swimming pool.

You remember Tastycakes.

You remember when your living room was called "the parlor".

You've seen Jack Palance at the Mall.

You know the difference between Two Italian Guys and Two Guys from Italy.

You think the Standard-Speaker is a real newspaper.

You think there should be a left turn arrow at Church and Broad.

You can pronounce things like Kryczanznak and Kryzwicki's.

You like your french fries with vinegar, not ketchup.

You thought Most Precious Blood had the best church bazaar.

You rode the bus in the summer to go swimming at Angela Park.

Your main recreational activity growing up was standing in front of Vesuvios in a 5-degree wind chill after walking from St. Joe's gym following a basketball game.

You once actually saw that old man folding pizza boxes in Vesuvios stand up and walk outside.

You can't understand why Pizza Hut, Dominos, Little Caeser's, etc., don't offer pizza with extra scamutz.

You know what scamutz is.

Click-Click took your prom photos.

You remember Price's Dairy Store on 8th Street and the horses on West Green Street that later became Sherry's Plumbing and Heating, and then A to S Sheet Metals, and is now Glass Creations.

Your immediate response to "how are you?" is "good'n you?"

You ever went to the Leader store and drank cherry cokes or went just to ride up and down the escalator.

You pronounce the word "tiger," as "tagger" (e.g. "that Tagger Woods is a great golfer.")

You can remember When K.F.C was Arthur Treachers!

You know that the correct pronounciation of the name Anthony is really "Ant'ny" and that Acme is really pronounced "Ack-A-Me". Of course a battery is a "bat-tree".

A "colliery" is a coal mine and its associated buildings. Properly pronounced "call-yer-ee", you know it is really just a "call-ree".

You know the best pierogies are made by little old ladies in church basements.

Your favorite lunch was a hoagie and a $ .25 CMP from the "Base".

You scared yourself silly at the 50 cent double feature horror matinee every Sunday at the Feeley.

You waited for the Silver Beavers to march by in a parade.

Your mom bought you new shoes from the trunk of Smiling Tony's car.

You think an afernoon out means going to Harrys U Pull it

You are addicted to Farmer's iced tea and nothing else ever compares.

You think Wilkes-Barre is a "big city"

You know what Senapes cold pizza is.

You have ever been chased by the police for 'hanging out in the parking lot' downtown Friday.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Louisiana




Signs You Might Be From Louisiana .....

The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.(also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed".

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple".

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Louisiana (Translated)


1. The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.
--------------------------------------------------
Now that's bad! They make mounds in bodies of water though.
--------------------------------------------------
I've lived here all my life and I've never heard anyone say "crawdad".
--------------------------------------------------
Crawfish(crawdads) burrow down in the mud, making a "mound" wherever they
choose to live.

================================================== ========================
2. You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Translation: How is your family doing since last I've seen them?
They are all good.
--------------------------------------------------
We're just hillbilly soundin' people. Very much like the nuts Jeff Foxworthy
loves to make a living off of.
--------------------------------------------------
Other translations -

Hey dawlin'. Where y'at!
(Hello. How are you?)

We caught it out by the neutral ground in fronta Kaybee's.
(We witnessed the Mardi Gras parade as it passed and caught some of the beads,
trinkets and cups which were thrown from the floats while we stood on the median
in front of a K&B Drug Store.)

Dem crawdads not lookin so good dis season, Boudreaux.
(Crawfish prices are going to be high this February-July because of dry weather
and all the imports from over-seas, Joe.)

Community Coffee, Haydels, Zapps, K&B, Abita, etc., are eeesentialllll...we love
'makin dem groceries' and 'savin dem' when 'da devil done paid his due'.
(Those are Louisiana staple groceries. We trust buying them and stocking
our pantries with them when pay day comes.)

================================================== ========================
3. Every so often, you have waterfront property.
--------------------------------------------------
A "hard rainfall" will overflow very deep ditches and flood your yard. This can
happen after a rainfall that lasts only a couple of hours. (My children used to
swim in the ditches, after a rain.)
--------------------------------------------------
We are below sea level.

================================================== ========================
4. When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown",
"riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."
--------------------------------------------------
I've never heard of "backatown" although I know we definitely use the other directions.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't even remember which direction is North, South, East and West, although I do
remember that our westbank is located on the east side of the city.
--------------------------------------------------
Louisiana directions are something else! Once I was given directions to the polls
on election day (different precinct than the one I normally use) and was told to
"drive down 190 and turn right at the RED Coca Cola sign." (Guess they thought I
might get lost if I saw a BLUE or GREEN Coca Cola sign!)
--------------------------------------------------
After visiting my brother-in-law in a New Orleans Hospital (some 20 years after I
had moved away) my sister gave the following directions to her house: "Get off the
Interstate at Veterans Highway - then turn left where Pelican Bowling Lanes
'used to be'."

================================================== ========================
5. When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to
places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."
--------------------------------------------------
Where I live, anybody north of I-10 is considered a yankee.
--------------------------------------------------
I am from Ohio (we're almost southern, aren't we? That's what they think in
Michigan, anyway!)

================================================== ========================
6. You've ever had Community Coffee.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a cajun brand that is available in numerous states, besides
Louisiana. It is an extra strong brand with an abundance of something called chicory.
(From a Deep East Texan who roomed one semester with a real live Cajun in college.)
--------------------------------------------------
Community is a local coffee roasting company and they roast it to the taste of most
people in Louisiana. (I don't drink coffee - so I wouldn't know one from the other
- but I often ship it to family and friends who no longer live in Louisiana and cannot
find a "decent" cup of coffee anywhere.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a very strong coffee that EVERYONE drinks in Louisiana.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is based in Baton Rouge and makes a dark roast coffee that's so
distinctive people who grew up drinking it won't touch any other kind. When traveling,
many Baton Rougeans bring it with them or just avoid coffee until they get home. Some
of us have been known to switch to tea for our morning caffeine while on the road.
--------------------------------------------------
Basically the official coffee of Louisiana.
--------------------------------------------------
Chicory coffee is still there. It's a flavor, not a brand. It's awful stuff!
--------------------------------------------------
Most Cajuns prefer the darkest roast possible--in other words, almost non-diluted
coffee beans!! Thick and strong. Like drinking mud!
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a local coffee that has the addition of roasted chicory. This
was originally added as a cheap means of extending coffee, but is now favored for
the "bite" it gives to the flavor.

================================================== ========================
7. You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.(also, Thibideaux, Opelousas,
Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)
--------------------------------------------------
Had to let you know that you spelled Thibodaux and Pontchartrain incorrectly.
--------------------------------------------------
Tchoupitoulas - is pronounced "chop i too las" or "chop a too less"
Thibodeaux - is pronounced "Tib eh doe" or "Tib a doe"
Ouachita - is "Wash - i - taw" (some say "Wish - i - taw")
The other three are self-explanatory....I cannot imagine them not being said as they
are spelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Opelousas - "op a loo sus"
Pontchartrain -"pon cha train"
Atchafalaya - "a chaf a lie a"
--------------------------------------------------
Pontchartrain and Atchafalya are bodies of water, the others are towns.

================================================== ========================
8. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of
your house.
--------------------------------------------------
Ships ride higher than your house because the levee keeps the river higher than the
land. (Louisiana is below sea level.)
--------------------------------------------------
Before the ships are fueled down and stocked with their shipments they set high on
the river. After they've been loaded, they go down LOTS!

================================================== ========================
9. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)
--------------------------------------------------
A po-boy is a very large, juicy (messy) sandwich, the more the mess, the better the
taste. They are usually overflowing.
--------------------------------------------------
A Po-Boy is a sandwich - a rather large sandwich. They used to be called "Poor Boys"
and the name was shortened. Similar sandwiches in other parts of the country might be
called Subs, Hoagies, or Heroes.

================================================== ========================
10. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy
"dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.
--------------------------------------------------
Truer words ain't never been spoke. Thet See-zar salad stuff ain't real food!

contin.

[thedrifter]

================================================== ========================
11. You know the definition of "dressed".
--------------------------------------------------
"Dressed" is LOT's of lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, peppers, mayo, mustard,
cheese, etc.
--------------------------------------------------
A 'dressed po boy' is a crusty bread sandwich with all the 'dressins'...hee
hee...'fixins'. Mayonaisse, mustrich, peekles, ernions....
--------------------------------------------------
The type of stuff on it depends on what kind of po-boy it is and where you get
the po-boy from. For instance, a Roast Beef po-boy "dressed" would also have
gravy on it.
--------------------------------------------------
Fully dressed etc..., is with "everything", including Tabasco!

================================================== ========================
12. You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with
Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
--------------------------------------------------
Popeye's is a Cajun spiced fried chicken fast-food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
The chicken is really spicy. "Food With Attitude" is their motto.
and the Red Beans and Rice are to die for...
--------------------------------------------------
How can you NOT have eaten at a Popeye's? Popeye's was started in New Orleans,
and they make fried chicken. SPICY fried chicken. They also have very good "seasoned"
french fries.
--------------------------------------------------
Haydel's is a New Orleans bakery specializing in King Cakes.
--------------------------------------------------
I personally feel like Randazzo's makes the best king cake but who am I to say!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapps: light, fried potato chips - they come in every flavor that you could imagine!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapp's is a local manufacturer of the best flavored potato chips this side of heaven!
They probably make other things, too - but I've not had my fill of the chips yet!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapp's "Crawtator" potato chips can't be beat when you need a spicy snack!!
--------------------------------------------------
Barq's is the best root beer in the world, cuz it's got bite!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Abita: Louisiana-made beer: it is light flavored, smooth, tasty beer.
Comes in several varieties including Turbo Dog and Purple Haze.
--------------------------------------------------
Abita is one of those newly fashionable microbreweries located in Abita Springs.
They also produce bottled water there.
--------------------------------------------------
Barqs: the root beer to wash down the po-boy
Zapps: the chips to go with the po-boy
Abita: the beer to wash down the tabasco on the po-boy
--------------------------------------------------
You also know what Tony's Seasoning is and you refuse to leave the state without it.
(It's a special secret blend of spices that can make even the worst food taste good.
You could probably eat your shoe if you sprinkled some Tony's on it. A word to the
wise: do not try Tony's on cornflakes.)

================================================== ========================
13. The four seasons in your year are: Crawfish, Shrimp, Crab and King Cake.
--------------------------------------------------
Dere ya go!

================================================== ========================
14. You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish
smell off.
--------------------------------------------------
"Wrench" is the *correct* way to prounounce "rinse"
--------------------------------------------------
Takes a lot to get the smell of crawfish off your hands!
--------------------------------------------------
A lot of cajuns say "zink" instead of "sink".
--------------------------------------------------
Just in case you're wondering, you can also get crawfish smell off with salt
and a lemon.

================================================== ========================
15. You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
--------------------------------------------------
"ax" is the *correct* way to pronounce "ask"
--------------------------------------------------
Other pronunciation thoughts:
Most people in New Orleans have different pronunciations for words that end
in "er" or "ing". Examples: trailer = trailuh, driver = drivuh. "Ing" words
are not pronounced with the "g". Examples: swimming = swimmin', walking = walkin', etc.
--------------------------------------------------
As long as we're speaking of pronunciation, it is of utmost importance that you pronounce
"praline" (a sugary Creole candy) correctly. It is PRAH-leen and not PRAY-leen.
Got it? Good!

================================================== ========================
16. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
--------------------------------------------------
We all make a big thing for carnival and think it's known by all Americans.
I guess not, huh.

================================================== ========================
17. You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
--------------------------------------------------
Louisiana has parishes instead of counties.
--------------------------------------------------
We are the only state to have these!

================================================== ========================
18. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will
even eat things those colors).
--------------------------------------------------
Purple, Green and Gold are the traditional colors of Mardi Gras and
even the King Cakes are decorated with those colors.
--------------------------------------------------
The Mardi Gras colors are Purple, Gold, Green. During Mardi Gras the cakes are
all of these colors.

================================================== ========================
19. You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker)
and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi
Gras beads.
--------------------------------------------------
It's always cold Mardi Gras day. This day you catch things thrown to you from the floats.

================================================== ========================
20. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, the names are not pronounced how they are spelled---Derouen is pronounced "Derwin".
--------------------------------------------------
Our last name is Robicheaux pronounced Row-buh-show.

================================================== ========================
21. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
--------------------------------------------------
Big swamp rat that looks just like a regular rat and smells worse.
--------------------------------------------------
A large rodent that lives in the swamp and tastes great in a gumbo!

================================================== ========================
22. You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching
blue crabs.
--------------------------------------------------
To get to the sea you have to descend stairs and there the crabs come right up to you
to catch.

================================================== ========================
23. You describe a color as "K&B Purple".
--------------------------------------------------
K&B is one of the major drugstores in Louisiana, purple is the color of their logo
(it is kinda like a "Barney" purple)
--------------------------------------------------
K & B Drug Store began here with a dominant advertising color of purple - all store
brand products also had this purple color. Unfortunately, K & B was bought out be
Rite-Aid and K&B Purple does not dominate our city any more.
--------------------------------------------------
Until recently we had a chain of drugstores named K & B. They have since been bought
by Rite Aid. Anyway - K & B's sign, bags, and everything was the strange purple color.
--------------------------------------------------
K & B was a very old drug store that was bought out by Rite-Aid about a year or two ago.
People flocked to buy the old purple signs, baskets, carts...etc. Many "natives" were
really upset.
--------------------------------------------------
K&B or KB or KB's was a local drug store for decades (the business was founded in 1905).
The trademark color was a deep, violent purple. Everything in KB was purple, from the
price tags to the ink pens (and their ink) to the managers' and cashiers' vests.

contin.

[thedrifter]

24. You like your rice and politics dirty.
--------------------------------------------------
Dirty rice is rice with ground beef, onions and spices.
--------------------------------------------------
Dirty politcs is, well, politics as usual.

================================================== ========================
25. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".
--------------------------------------------------
Come on, that's how we all say it!
--------------------------------------------------
New Orleans is a city whose name is pronounced in nearly 100 different ways by its
citizens. It can range from the nearly 5-syllable "Nyoo Ahhlyins" to the monosyllabic
"Nawlin".

================================================== ========================
26. A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was
palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under
the seat.
--------------------------------------------------
The palmetto roach is just called a cockroach down here.

================================================== ========================
27. You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.
--------------------------------------------------
In the summer when it's really hot and the roaches are flying, we have a problem with
them coming in from outside. When you're in bed and you hear a small smack followed by
another smack, that's a flying roach that just ran into the ceiling fan, was hurled
against the wall behind your bed and is now in the bed with you so you better get up
and get him out!!!

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Montana



The wind is faster than your truck.

You own more than four pairs of gloves.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.

In March your vehicle is 43% mud.

You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.

You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.

Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.

You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".

The elevation exceeds the population of your town.

Monday night football starts at 7:00, instead of 9:00.

The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.

Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!
(That was also true in Kodiak, Alaska. - Tom)

You can pay for a "Big Mac" with a personal check.

There's a Bison in your lane.

Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.

You can see the stars at night.

People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.

Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.

Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.

More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.

The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.

The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).

You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.

You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.

A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.

You put the car heater on your list of best friends.

You slept through the night undisturbed by a siren ... or a train!

A rodeo is more popular than a Madonna concert.

Tractors are a normal part of traffic.

You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.

Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.

You have made jerky at least once in your life.

You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.

Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty.

You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee".

You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.

You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.

You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (F) outside.

You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages 12 feet wide qualifies as a highway.

You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or 7 miles away.

You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.

You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.

Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.

You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.

You've patched your jeans by using duct tape.
(Doesn't everyone? -Tom)

You local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite dishes.

You love the BIG SKY!

[thedrifter]

The Silent Ranks




THE SILENT RANKS

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.

I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind.

My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man.
and the call to serve his country not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Military Wife.

--Author Unknown

[thedrifter]

Singles Ad


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl
who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy.)

[thedrifter]

Sins of Omission




A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

[thedrifter]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him:

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

[thedrifter]

Six Again


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."



The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[thedrifter]

Size of the Army




Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals loses a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."

[Phantom Blooper]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"


The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.


The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"



Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph


Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself !

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.


WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!



Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

.
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers


.
.
"Unhook . my . suspenders ... from ... your ... side ... mirror":banana:













:

[thedrifter]

Skeleton




The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[thedrifter]

Skiing?


One needn't actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing ... just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.


Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.


Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing but it's close.


Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.


Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.


Wear apre ski boots everywhere - even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.


At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.


For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.


Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you from losing it later.


Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.


Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.


To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Then try to find it.


To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with your eyes closed.


Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

[thedrifter]

Skip-A-Day Diet Plan


Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[thedrifter]

Sleeping at Your Desk




TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."


And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1. " ...... Amen."

[thedrifter]

Sleepy Juror


A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; You wake him up."

[thedrifter]

The Sleepy Passenger


A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Slight Mistake


I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers . . ." Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, ". . . you are in the wrong store."

[thedrifter]

Small Town .....


You know you live in a small town when...

...The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

...The local phone book has only one yellow page.

...Third Street is on the edge of town.

...You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

...You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

...No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

...You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

...Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

[thedrifter]

Small Town Emergency


The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.

"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

[thedrifter]

Small Town USA

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

[Phantom Blooper]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he
approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who
looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT
TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[Phantom Blooper]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Phantom Blooper]

MANURE


In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.



As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.



Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.



After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.



You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term

[Phantom Blooper]

A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in
his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony,
he cut a photo in half but, accidentally sent the bottom half of
the photo.

He was really worried when he realized that he sent the wrong half,
but then remembered how bad his grandmother's eyesight was, and
hoped she wouldn't notice.

A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It
said...

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your
nose look too short.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Small Town Law


A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[thedrifter]

Smart Dog




A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Smart Lad




My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, "Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're gorgeous."

[thedrifter]

Smile for the Camera!


An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

[thedrifter]

Smile for the DMV


When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[thedrifter]

Smithsonian


ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern
origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[thedrifter]

Snowed In

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."

Two days later, again they are both sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

Three days later, they both are once again sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."

[thedrifter]

Soap and Water


A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

[thedrifter]

Software Development Cycle



Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet.

Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. See 3.

6. See 4.

7. See 5.

8. See 6.

9. See 7.

10. See 8.

11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12. Users find 137 new bugs.

13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free....

[thedrifter]

Software Engineering

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark i mmediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[thedrifter]

Software Ideas


As you read this, project programmers in ski-masks are already working on the following:

MACINTOSH-IBM-DOS EMULATOR: When started, begins to put up a zippy MacIntosh screen, stops halfway down the screen to declare, "Oops? Sorry. You wanted 1950's technology." It then goes into command line mode.

ELUSIVE MENU: When the mouse cursor enters such menus, the menus dodge away while insulting the user with appropriate language and gestures.

CRASHING WINDOWS: You begin to move a window. Suddenly it accelerates out of your control up toward the corner of the screen. When it reaches the corner, it smashes to pieces, falling to the bottom of the screen. Appropriate sound effects are heard. Email is sent to the site manager blaming you for the broken window.

AEROBIC WINDOWS: You begin to move a window and suddenly it accelerates out of your control bouncing around the screen faster and faster. It finally slows down an sits on your screen off in the direction you were moving it, but huffing and puffing, sort of expanding in and out. As you begin working again, its breathing slows and stops after a few moments.

PEOPLE INSIDE THE MONITOR: You get an error. A large face leans in from the left, gives you a "Lettermanesque look," like he's got a horrible flavor on his tongue, and then leans back out of the monitor.

[thedrifter]

Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

[Phantom Blooper]

Blondie & Her Naked Men!
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one
day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the

trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to
the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...


Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in
history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the
road?!" asks the cop...
And she said.... "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Guy goes to a farmhouse while passing through and asks if he can stay the night...Farmer says sure, but all I got is my barn...the guy accepts. In the morning, the guy comes to breakfast and the farmer asks him how he slept...the man replies "fine, but did I mention I can talk to animals?"

The farmer said "really? What'd they say?"

Guy says "The horses would like bigger stalls, they cannot lie down...the cows would like you to warm up the milker as the siphon funnels are very cold at that time of morning, and the sheep..."

All of a sudden the farmer interrupts, "Them sheep are liars, don't you listen to nuthin' they got to say!"



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino
went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door
and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And
you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act
that way.

"But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
more question...."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment
with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn
from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you
drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

[Sgted]

BUENOS DIAS!!
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!!!! SINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICAL ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A MANUAL BIRUS. PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODIRGUEZ GARCIA
MEXICAN HACKER
:D

[thedrifter]

Some People's Kids!




An elementary school in Wriedel, in northern Germany, had a problem for a real long time. The school stank awfully. Over the years the school spent thousands trying to figure out what was causing the odor but could never figure it out ... until now.

While repairing the floor, workers discovered a cavity behind and under the radiator that students apparently knew of, but not the adults. And in this cavity they found sandwiches, yogurts, and cartons of milk, some dating back to the 1970s. Children used it to throw out, clandestinely, their unwanted lunches.

[thedrifter]

Something Religious


Last Sunday, the pastor of a local church began his sermon with a supposedly true story...

"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had "REV." in front of my name on the passenger list came over to me and said, "Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could ... I don't know ... do something religious?"

"So I took up a collection."

[thedrifter]

Sorry I'm Late




Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, OK?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

[thedrifter]

Sound Familiar?

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, an IRS agent, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck walk into a bar.

The barman says: "Hang on a minute. What is this, some kind of joke?

[thedrifter]

Soup




(Warning! This is a groaner!)


Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"


(You can groan now!)

[thedrifter]

Space Race


During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

[thedrifter]

The Speaker




A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

[thedrifter]

Speaking of Crooks




A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions"

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes"

"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

[thedrifter]

Speaking with the Mrs.




A recent study showed the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about 37 minutes each week. Well, yeah, I can believe that. I mean, just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes, dear" or "I'm sorry"?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Special Day

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

[thedrifter]

Special Dinner


My friend, celebrating a special occasion, went to a restaurant and ordered what she thought would be a lobster tail. But to her dismay, the entire crustacean was on her plate. "He's looking right at me!" she exclaimed to the waiter. "I just can't eat him."

The waiter removed her plate, but returned it a few moments later. The lobster now had a blindfold neatly tied around its eyes.

[devildogg1021]

out-frickin-standing:marine:

[airframesguru]

Is this what its coming to

[Phantom Blooper]

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in
jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though
none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and
believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately
prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I
am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her
forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead (Not Always True)


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same
Thing: You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest
cheat in Canada or Mexico.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is
finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying for it."

Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every
country, son.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go
out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
attractive to the opposite sex.

[thedrifter]

Speed of Learning


Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?"

Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner."

[thedrifter]

Speeding Ticket


A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

[thedrifter]

Speeding Tickets

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

[thedrifter]

Speeding Ticket 4




A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

[thedrifter]

Speedy Construction?


An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, California, has been torn up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."

[thedrifter]

Spending the Night


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Because she just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[thedrifter]

Spoiled Rotten


"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when he misbehaves?" asked his friend.

"I send him to our room."

[thedrifter]

Spontaneous Combustion

VALLEY-GIRL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA - Brittany d'Angelus, a 17 year old Junior from Valley High School, spontaneously caught fire today when her brain short circuited because of a bet that she had made with her parents. According to Jessica, who is Brittany's best friend's sister's cousin, "This is like so horrible. Brittany's parents like full-on bet Brittany like that she could not go a whole day without like saying the word 'like'. They like told her that if she like won the bet they would like buy her a BMW. Brittany like thought that it would be like a piece of cake."

Needless to say, Brittany found it difficult to communicate without using the word 'like'. According to Jessica, "When Brittany like got to school, she like sounded like a total loser. She had to like think before she like said anything. Then when she would like talk she would like say things like, 'Hello Jessica. How are you this morning?' Can you like believe it. She was like a total nerd."

Brittany's frustrations compounded throughout the day and hit a critical level during lunch break. It was at that time that Brittany and her friends were standing around gossiping. Brittany was fighting to find the right words to describe last night's encounter with the cutest guy on campus when she began flailing her arms erratically. Her head started shaking violently and her eyes rolled back. Then a sound like the ignition of a gas BBQ was heard. Brittany's friends screamed in horror when they realized that she had spontaneously caught fire. One of Brittany's girlfriends acted quickly and threw her boyfriend's letterman jacket over Brittany and rolled her in the grass to put the fire out.

Firefighters who rushed to the scene told BNN that Brittany's burns were not serious. Said Fire Captain Bill, "The quick thinking of Brittany's friend saved her life. If the fire had burned just a few seconds longer, the flames could have reached the oxygen tank inside of Brittany's skull causing an explosion."

Brittany was taken to a local hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. There is no word yet on whether Brittany's parents will be charged in this case.

[thedrifter]

Sports Quotes from England


"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan,
who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both
legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the
start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We
didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than
we thought." (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and
living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do
you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather
than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
(David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind
it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none
of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they
are running." (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds
in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering
from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is
absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

[thedrifter]

Spy Hunter


The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

[thedrifter]

Spy vs Spy


A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

[thedrifter]

Spy Novel

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.

An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book, wasn't it?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee.

She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. "Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles".

[Phantom Blooper]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The Preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was against it. A girl, with a wonderful figure and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center isle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost a 100% of the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex object.

He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts, and not good thoughts. But Ah am a man of God! You don't affect me, and rahht now up in Heaven, St. Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"

:banana:

[WillManning]

St. Finger blushed with that one.

[thedrifter]

Stakeout




I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.

He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.

After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.

[thedrifter]

Stalked by Martha Stewart?




The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:


10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

[thedrifter]

Standardized Tests


STUDENTS CLAIM STANDARDIZED TESTS ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL

It's that time of the school year again! As any educator would tell you 'Tis the season for Standardized tests.' Students across the nation are sharpening their number 2 pencils in preparation for their annual bubble tests. But this year students in Huntsville, Alabama have banded together and vowed not to take the tests claiming they are unconstitutional.

Said one student, "The Constitution protects us from self-incrimination. These tests expose a kid's inability to read and write. That's incriminating!"

When asked if he had ever read the Constitution another student told BNN, "No. But I once heard Marilyn Manson talk about it on MTV."

Students plan to hold a series of 'sit down' protests during testing week. They have stocked up for the protests and have purchased large quantities of Doritos and Pepsi. One student plans to bring a portable generator, TV and DSS satellite dish so that the protesters can pass the time watching music videos and soap operas.

When BNN asked one of the parents if she supported the protests she said, "I think that this will be a valuable life experience for my son." Another parent appeared to be unaware of his daughter's plans to participate in the protests and said, "I had no idea she was going to be doing this. That shows you how busy I've been lately." Another parent said, "I think we need to help these kids fight the injustice of these tests and get them an attorney. That will teach those educators not to oppress students!"

School administrators refused to comment on the protests. However, one educator who teaches classes on self-esteem and civil disobedience has promised to give extra credit points to students who participate.

More on this story as it unfolds.

[thedrifter]

Star Trek Chickens


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of . . . yes, sir.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and . . .

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

[thedrifter]

Star Wars Programmer


Luke: "You used to program?"
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at
Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your
father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten
a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems
programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a
good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten
years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before
the dark times. Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student
until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded
Microsoft
and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed
and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side
of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an
exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us.
Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me.
Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough,
but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old
Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems
programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An
elegant compiler for a more civilized age."

[thedrifter]

Stars




Said an innocent young thing, "Oh, I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are!"

[thedrifter]

State-of-the-art vs Obsolete


State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art
computer to become obsolete.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Stay!


I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

[thedrifter]

St. Peter's Gates




A man, while driving home one evening from a dinner with his wife, is involved in a terrible car accident. The man dies on the scene.

The man, after a short journey through a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end, finds himself at the gates of heaven. St. Peter is awaiting his arrival at the gates, and hails him towards the entrance to heaven.

"Sir, you have proved yourself to be a kind and generous soul. You are worthy to pass through these gates. I ask only one thing of you: spell this one simple word, which embodies all of which you must embrace, and you may enter. That word is 'love'."

"Love???" the man quips, "Love? That's easy. L-O-V-E"

And St. Peter opens the pearly gates, letting the man step inside.

Just as the man steps into the realm of heaven, St. Peter's beeper goes off. It seems that his attention is needed by the Holiest on High, and he must attend an ad hoc meeting.

"Excuse me, newcomer," says St. Peter, "could you please watch the gates whilst I meet with God? All I ask of you is that you let no one in unless they spell the word correctly. This will take but a few minutes."

"OK," the man replies. And St. Peter vanishes into thin air, leaving the man with a bright, silver key to the gates.

A few moments later, the man's wife appears in front of the gates. "Hello dear" she says.

"What are you doing here?" the man asks.

"Well, they rushed me to the hospital, and for awhile it seemed as though I might pull through, but I wasn't so lucky. Died of internal hemorrhaging."

The man, following the instructions of St. Peter, tells her, "My beloved, in order for you to pass through the gates of heaven, you only need to spell one simple word ... 'Czechoslovakia'."

[thedrifter]

Still On My Diet


A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and threw away half!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A Frog walks into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd
like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog
in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger,
his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with
the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this
as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (

[Phantom Blooper]

Llamas and Cows

There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - separated only by a small fence.

The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, they would grab them and pull them over to their side.

At that point, they would kick the llama around - using him like a soccer ball. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it.

The moral of the story?

Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys.



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Small Town Law


At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly type well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your lovely wife, manipulate people, and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you haven 't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes.

Then, slowly backing away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed at the defense attorney across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the attorney for the defense?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a terrible drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly fainted and sat slumped in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the place was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to order and called both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you will go to jail for contempt of court." :banana:

[thedrifter]

The Stockbroker


The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

[thedrifter]

Stock Market Definitions


STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment after you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK - What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

[thedrifter]

Stock Market Report




The stock market recently took a 500 point nose dive. In view of this is seems appropriate to make fun of the situation. It sure beats crying about it!

Today in the stock market:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

[thedrifter]

Stop Sign




Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."

[thedrifter]

Stop That! (But Not Yet)


It's the 1970s, and this technician is working on an antisubmarine warfare R&D project at a U.S. Navy base.

"To test sonar systems and the computerized response to them, we built a test lab with a bank of computer-controlled frequency synthesizers," says the tech. "Nice equipment -- a bank of eight synthesizers with a range of a megahertz and resolution of a millihertz."

As part of the test, his team runs the output through speakers to see if it sounds like ocean noise.

"This was an ugly sound, but statistically it matched ocean noise," he said. "And we noted that when we ran pure tones through the simulator, it sounded like a really good pipe organ."

One bright junior engineer immediately realizes that with eight tone synthesizers, the team can generate eight-part harmony. And it's not long before the tech and his cohorts are spending their lunch hours programming the system to play Christmas carols.

"It was innocuous fun, and we didn't let it interfere with programming for the sonar research," technician says.

But the fun doesn't last. "We got a call from the base captain, telling us to cease and desist from using Navy equipment for improper purposes," says tech. "We were disappointed but complied."

"Then we got a follow-up call the next day, indicating that before we ceased and desisted, we should program 'Anchors Aweigh' for the admiral's upcoming inspection visit."

"The admiral got 'Anchors Aweigh' in four-part harmony."

[thedrifter]

The Straight Dope On Food & Exercise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is "No Pain-No Pain".

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

[thedrifter]

Strange But True - 01


An alert reader of Good Clean Fun, notified me that this story is not really true (Thank you, Alisha). Even though the newspaper is standing by its story, it seems to be what is called an "urban legend." More can be found about this specific story by clicking here.

More information on "Urban Legends" can be found here.



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In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one Noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51,who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five Days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway

[thedrifter]

Strange Scoring




Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year-- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

[thedrifter]

Stray Cats




STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS


1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

[thedrifter]

Stress Management


I thought I had finally found a way to convince my harried friend that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing."

"Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

[thedrifter]

The Stuck Jeep


During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

[WillManning]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from
the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk
is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time
I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
private parts!!!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[thedrifter]

The Student Athlete


A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."

The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"

The scout replied, "He makes straight 'A's in every subject. However, I must tell you his 'B's are a little crooked."

[thedrifter]

Student Essays




As an English professor, my father would often write little notes on student essays. Often he worked late, and as the hours passed, his handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. McDonald," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." My father took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly."

[thedrifter]

Student Pilot

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."

[thedrifter]

Student Satisfaction Survey




Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

The Best and Worst Comments Received
====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me...
I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...
Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
class."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I
hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
Then solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets
that I would have used the text."

"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality
paper.'"

[thedrifter]

Studying in England

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Well, I just ignore them, staying here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

[thedrifter]

The Stupid Among Us

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... ok ... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge ... here's your sign."

[thedrifter]

Stupid Award of the Day




Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of the University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story:

This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is a close rendition of the conversation with her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So, that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Lady: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.

Lady: Yes.
Ian: Anything else?

Lady: A little extra milk, and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Ian: We do have decaf.

Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Lady: Yes it does.
Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Lady: It doesn't say caffeine-free on the milk, so it must have caffeine.
Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake. I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Lady: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.

Lady: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.

Lady: What about Visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?

Lady: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?

Lady: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Lady: What about checks?
Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Lady: Ok. how much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. (insert: for a cup of coffee, if you missed that.)
Lady: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.

Lady: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Lady: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.

[thedrifter]

Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame


Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

[thedrifter]

Subliminal Ads


[Ed: Picked this up from rec.arts.movies, where a discussion of subliminal ads in movies ensues.]

I would like to thank all of the folks who emailed me about the "subliminal" Pepsi ads in 'Top Gun'. As was pointed out more than once, here and in mail, the advertisements aren't really subliminal if you can perceive them conciously. [drink Pepsi] I know what "subliminal" means [drink Pepsi] as opposed to superliminal, or ultraliminal, or megaliminal, or liminal, or whatever the correct phraseology is. [you love Pepsi] This kind of advertisement, though, while not totally invisible [drink Pepsi] is still real hard to see ... I've seen Top Gun a total of six times now, and never noticed the Pepsi tray until my sixth time, on cable. After running the tape back thru again, I could tell that the Pepsi [drink drink drink Pepsi] logo was really there -- not just a red-white-and-blue [Pepsi] smear.

Perhaps we need a new phrase for this half-overt advertising [bathe in Pepsi]. I propose the term "mood-advertising," or perhaps "musak-vertising" ... something which while there, you have to concentrate to perceive [Pepsi is good for you]. Once we put a name to this dread disease, we can set about finding a cure.

Gosh, I'm thirsty.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Submarines




The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

[thedrifter]

Substitute Teacher




Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

[thedrifter]

If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline: But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him, "Why?"

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun.
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

***** THE END *****

[thedrifter]

Dr. Seuss, Technical Writer

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer
-------------------------------------

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Author Unknown

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were
eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. . . ... . ...
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her &said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
Prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home &hung the bird's cage up in her
living room &waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw &said,"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls &the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how &
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Bobby came home from work.

The bird looked at him & said, "Hi, Bobby."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Notoriously tight with his money, a Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks
how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting
agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman
hopefully.

Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I
can do it for £70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still
without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their
level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in
that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session
and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and
learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you
only £5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?

[thedrifter]

Sugar Bowl




I was horrified to find my son eating out of the sugar bowl.

"Don't let me catch you doing that again!" I scolded.

He was willing but dubious. "I'll try, Mommy," he told me, "but you're so quiet sometimes."

[thedrifter]

Summer Vacation




Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

[thedrifter]

Sunday School - 1


The Sunday school teacher asked, "How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?"

All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.

"I'm sorry," Ronnie replied. "Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school."

[thedrifter]

Sunday School - 2




A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Sunday School




The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands.

"Where did you get that?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Sunday School Test




A Sunday school teacher asked little Johnny who the first man in the Bible was.

"Hoss," said Johnny.

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."

"Shucks!" Johnny replied. "I knew it was one of them Cartwrights."

[thedrifter]

Sun Microsystems Sues Island of Java




Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's Java* trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name."

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island Formerly Known As Java*".

The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced to use Microsoft products.

[thedrifter]

Super Bowl




A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really really curious ... What does Hell look like?"

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me."

And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."

"Thank you", replied the man who climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor.

After nearly an hour descending in the elevator, the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven.

After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question."

"Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimestone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh? I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl."

[thedrifter]

Super Bowl Tickets




A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

[thedrifter]

Surgeon and Architect


An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.

"You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."

"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

[thedrifter]

Surviving Dull Sermons




Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons


- Pass a note to the organist asking whhether he/she plays requests

- See if a yawn really is contagious

- Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister.

- Devise ways of climbing into the balccony without using the stairs

- Listen for the speakers to use a wordd beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

- Sit in the back row and roll a handfuul of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front

- Using church notice-sheets or newcomeers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

- Raise your hand and ask for permissioon to go to the lavatory.

- Whip out a hankie and blow your nose.. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

- By unobtrusively drawing your arms upp into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.

- Try to raise one eyebrow

- Think about your chin for an entire mminute

- Twiddle your thumbs

- Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs

- Wiggle your ears so that the people bbehind you will notice

[thedrifter]

Survivor 3


Whether we watch it on TV or not, we all know of the "Survivor" TV show. Well, the plans for the third "Survivor" show have leaked out.

Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor", plans to enlist 12 men who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class) and no access to fast food.

They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, care for a dog and cat, grocery shop, birthday present hunt for kids' friends, etc.

Oh, and they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remote controls.

Plus they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making six lunches.

The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a sick child at 3:00 a.m; getting kids to church/religious education; making an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

[mrbsox]

Guy is setting in the dentist' chair, Dentist says
"I'm going to give you some Novacane before we get started".
Man;
"No Doc, I don't want a shot".
Doc;
"OK, I'll get the gas ready, it'll take just a moment"
Man;
"No Doc, I don't need any gas either, lets just get started"
Doc;
"OK, here take 2 of these"
Man;
"I don't NEED anything for the pain, lets go"
Doc;
They're NOT pain medication, they're VIAGRA"
Man;
"VIAGRA... what good would that do??"
Doc;
"It'll give you something to hold onto... this is going to hurt !!"

[rsta]

Donald and Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room and
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No".

Daisy told Donald that they could not have sex if he didn't have a condom.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested..

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter
and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on
your bill?

"NO!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?!"

[thedrifter]

Swearing In


CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: I swear by Almighty God.
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: Repeat it.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: That the evidence that I give...
WITNESS: That the evidence that I give.
CLERK: Shall be the truth and...
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:
"Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: Shall be the truth and.
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth...?"
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words:
"Nothing," "But," "The" "Truth."
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar you know...

[thedrifter]

Swine Flu


Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are:

1.) Sore throat.
2.) Slight headache.
3.) Moderate to high temperature.
4.) Nausea or upset stomach.
5.) Uncontrollable urge to roll around in the mud.

[thedrifter]

Take A Message


A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone in the house when the phone rang. She answered it and was told that Mr. Brown was calling. "I'm sorry, no one is here. Can I take a message?" she said.

Mr. Brown replied, "Certainly."

After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who did you say this is?"

"Mr. Brown."

"How do you spell Brown?"

"B-r-o-w-n."

A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"

[thedrifter]

Taking Care


A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

[thedrifter]

Taking Steps


During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied. "BIG ones."

[thedrifter]

Taking the Train


A large two-engine passenger train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of an airplane."

[thedrifter]

Talented Hamster




A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

"The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[thedrifter]

Tales of Heroes


Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

[thedrifter]

Talking Clock




A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off, it's 2 a.m., you idiot!"

[thedrifter]

Talking Dog




A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

[thedrifter]

The Talking Metronome


I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"

[Bootneck]

go to www.google.com

type in the search box "weapons of mass destruction"

hit the "I'm feeling lucky button"

[thedrifter]

Talking About Others

A young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose, it looks soooo funny!"

The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.

A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!"

[thedrifter]

Talking in Sleep


I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."

[thedrifter]

Tallness




I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box.

Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue.

"Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"

"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'"

[thedrifter]

Tastes Like Chicken


A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

[thedrifter]

Tate's Compass Company




(Pun warning!)

There was once a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

They worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each Boy Scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.

Needless to say, all of the Boy Scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

[thedrifter]

Tax Bills


Last year about 3,000 US taxpayers erroneously received word from the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) that they each owed some $300 million in taxes. Corrections and apologies followed. Then, in April, Lorie Marling of Columbus, Ohio, got a tax bill for $270 BILLION!!!

The IRS did graciously offer to let her pay in 3 easy installments of $90 billion each.

Source: Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine

[thedrifter]

Taxes Are Patriotic!




A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

[thedrifter]

Tax Facts




The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words [I don't know to which version the author was referring]. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

[thedrifter]

Tax Forms, Short vs Long


A quick thought before we begin .....

Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!" -Tom


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

[thedrifter]

Taxiing Down the Tarmac


Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting about an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant. "It took us an hour to find another pilot!"

[thedrifter]

Taxi Driver - 1


A rather posh lady is showing her small daughter around Rome in the back of a taxi. They pass a railway station and the daughter asks: "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing standing around in very short dresses?".

The mother realizes that she is referring to the prostitute day shift, but doesn't want to explain, so she says, "I expect they are waiting for their friends, or looking at the Roman architecture, dear".

The taxi driver flips back the partition and says: "Go on. Tell her they're prostitutes!".

"Mommy what are 'prostitutes'?"

With a sigh, Mother tells all.

The little girl is very interested:

"But mommy, don't they sometimes have babies?".

"Well yes dear, I'm afraid they do."

"But mommy, what happens to the babies?".

"Well dear, that's the interesting thing about it. Almost all of them become taxi-drivers".

[HardJedi]

The Top 12 Rejected Names for Military Campaigns



Operation Attack at 3:30 a.m. Sharp From the Western Flank

Operation Spank Another Dictator We've Been Propping Up For Years

Operation Shop in Milan and Paris While On Leave

Operation I Know You Are But What Am I

Operation Do These Fatigues Make My Butt Look Big?

Operation Butterfly Kisses

Bombapalooza

Operation Don't. Make. Mommy. Have. To. Tell. You. Again!

Operation Noogie Patrol

Operation What the Hell Kind of Name is "Wolf Blitzer" Anyway?

Operation Poopoo Butt

and the Number 1 Rejected Name for a Military Campaign...


Operation Remove Bread Basket

[thedrifter]

Taxi Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!

[thedrifter]

Taxpayer's Lament




Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.


Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule;
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.


If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore;
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave;
Tax his sod in which he's laid.


Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

[thedrifter]

Tax Payment




There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you to send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article -HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
Tax Payer

[thedrifter]

Teacher's Pay




Teachers are paid too much! I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay teachers babysitting wages.

That's right. Instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour. And, I'm only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare.

Now how many children do they teach a day - maybe 20? That's $15.00 x 20 = $300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 = $54,000.

(Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.)

What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master's degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That's $600 a day times 180 days. That's only $108,000.

Wait a minute! There is something wrong here........

[thedrifter]

Teaching Fractions

A mathematics teacher came into the faculty room after she'd been watching a basketball game. Her face was glowing. "I've got the greatest idea for teaching!" she exclaimed.

"What do you mean? What's the idea?" asked a couple of colleagues.

"Well, you know how hard it is for us to really teach fractions? The kids just don't seem to be motivated to learn them," she said.

"Yes, it's true," said a fellow math teacher. "So?"

"Well, the solution is to change the system of scoring in basketball. A free-throw, 1-1/16 point; a field goal, 2-3/8 points; and a long-distance basket, 3-1/15!"

[thedrifter]

Teaching a Lesson


A rolled up newspaper can be an effective training tool when used properly. For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper... and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase,

"I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG, I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG!"

[thedrifter]

Teaching Math




Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

[thedrifter]

Team Photos

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

[thedrifter]

Teamwork




"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.

"Toast and juice," she replied.

[thedrifter]

The Tech From Heck

(I know this is long, but so are calls to Technical Support.)

Calling For Technical Support:
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring...

Automated Answer:
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support.
We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and prevented from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support.
In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you cannot honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support.
You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please takea moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

[thedrifter]

Technical Harassment


In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities
for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical
harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be
aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently
technically harass another person by accident.

Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.

If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be
the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be
asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some
instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment.
Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to
exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same
question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical
harassment can continue for years.

If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and
they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is
frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a
true technical answer for more than 30 seconds.

If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than
three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake
and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of
caution, competent technical people have been known to inadvertently
use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times.
If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the
past such as "stuff" and "things", they are most likely victim of
computer magazine brainwashing.

If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick".
For example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has
been updated". This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a
vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being
technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely
been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been
technically annoyed.

If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a
vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the
product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common
reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical
equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between
two nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that
they aren't the only ones who are confused.

[thedrifter]

Quite a few

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[thedrifter]

Cruise

One day this Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: "You say in this ad that you have a wonderful luxury cruise for only $69.95. I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise."

The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"I sure do," says the Swede, plunking the money down on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack the Swede over the head, drag his unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows past.

A few moments later, a Norwegian guy walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the newspaper ad and says: "I want to go on this $69.96 wonderful luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says: "Sure, you got the fare in cash?"
"Yeah, you betcha," says the Norwegian, slapping the money on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river.

After a while, the Swede and the Norwegian regain consciousness, and they find out that their barrels are bobbing along together.
The Norwegian says: "Good Afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The Swede shakes his head and says: "No, I don't think so. At least they didn't last year."

[thedrifter]

I have a system

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

[thedrifter]

Nut tree

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That's all. Let's
go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[thedrifter]

Bad smelling

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[thedrifter]

Bad news

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

[thedrifter]

What a change

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving Prank

"If you don't stop doing that, I'm tellin' you, your guts are gonna to fall out," says the mans wife for the hundredth time. "Honey, I just can't help it," replies the husband.

"I'm telling you, one of these days you're going to shoot your guts right out if you don't stop all that farting."

"But I just can't help it, Honey"

For twenty years she had been telling him this with no results.
Finally, while preparing the turkey early in the morning one Thanksgiving day, she gets a hilarious idea. "Hee hee hee," she snickers to herself as she gathers all the turkey guts in her hand and sneaks upstairs into her sleeping husband's bedroom. She very quietly tip-toes into the bedroom, very quietly pulls the covers back and pulls down his underwear, and deftly drops the turkey guts into his shorts. Then she tip-toes back down to the kitchen, proud of her idea for a hilarious prank, and goes about preparing the Thanksgiving meal.

Later that morning while still working in the kitchen, she hears a horrific scream from her husband.

"Hee hee hee," she snickers to herself as she hears him dash out of bed and into the bathroom.

About twenty minutes pass and he finally comes down to the kitchen.

"Why dear, whatever is the matter?" she asks while trying to contain her laughter.

"Honey, you were right!" he replies. " All these years you tried to warn me but I just wouldn't listen. And now it finally happened, I farted my guts right out. But with these two fingers and God's help, I think I got them all back in.

[thedrifter]

Tech Museum




As most of you know, the new Tech Museum just opened in San Jose and it's a pretty cool place, but if they REALLY wanted to capture life in Silicon Valley, they should have included some of the following:

1. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course: You have 2 hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well buckle yourself into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech Museum offers several race courses to choose from:

* Try the "880 Endurance Course"! Hey! You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery Puddle at The Alameda on-ramp, and you're finally up to 25 mph! You'll make Brokaw road in no time. But look out! 101 merges into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two lanes AT THE SAME TIME! Who designed this nutty course?

* Or try the "17 Face Off of Doom"! You're behind one truck in the right lane going 21 mph. The truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many hours it will be before you can pass both trucks!

* Or try the 680 "Trail of Tears"! You've got to make it from Pleasanton to Fremont with only one full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don't forget the Caltrans contractors who block off lanes for no reason at all!

2. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator: Ever wonder what it's like to work eighty hours a week? You can now experience blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of Jolt Cola addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator! Hey, who are those strangers claiming to be your family? They're just part of the mysteries you'll experience at the Tech Museum!

3. The "Find Help At Fry's" Cyber-Challenge: Don your Virtual Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley's favorite electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you. It's not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone, you still have to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once you get help, the challenge isn't over! You still have to avoid the "Let me get my manager" monster, endure the perpetual "Humans as Cattle" cash register corral, and make it past the paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity search! Youch!

4. The Valley Fair Mall Parking Space Scavenger Hunt: Your mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the Valley's most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space within a one mile radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope to make this scavenger hunt even more challenging when we violate the laws of conservation of mass with the addition of the Town and Country Monument to Bad City Management!

5. Sell or Die: Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this interactive game designing and marketing superior, technically-advanced products that fill a niche and meet a need. But wait! The fun is just starting! It's time to play "Sell or Die"! Kids get to choose whether they will let themselves be bought out by the "innovative" Microsoft, or whether they will resist the urge and have their products undersold by Microsoft's inferior competing products! The fun is in seeing how long *you* can last in the face of unfair marketing practices. The last player to go bankrupt paying their legal bills wins! Extra points for kids who survive long enough to testify in front of the Justice Department!

6. Mr. Jobs' Wild Ride: Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and experience the wildest roller coaster ride of your life! Just when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall,swerve wildly and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for now)! And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one all-powerful and unpredictable "hippy turned power layer turned exile turned interim CEO for life"! And look out! The Larry Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You'll lose yourlunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs out as you freefall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop of Death!

Riders can then regain their composure looking at the:

7. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries: Get up close and personal with Valley history by reading over fifteen years of stories lamenting the imminent death of everyone's favorite fruit company! With all that circling, don't buzzards ever get dizzy?

[thedrifter]

Technical Night Before Christmas




'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Gov't contracting...

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[thedrifter]

Technical Support - 1


True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

[thedrifter]

Technical Support - 2


A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: "What's the problems?"
User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you
to tell me the command."

10 minutes later, the user is still adamant that he is right.
The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
User: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes."

(10 minutes later.)

User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come
with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that
will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."

(1 hour later.)

User: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said,
and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

[thedrifter]

Tech Support Call


An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them
on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of
piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down: 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to
be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I
can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format
them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the
whole office. Did I do something wrong...?"

[thedrifter]

Tech Support Diary


A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. Heaven help us, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it
again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend
so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I take a break.

1:00 pm
Return from break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door.

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts them on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned
as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with
IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for
him. Set minimum password length to 64. Take a break.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy
customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy
all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated
to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
shift."

Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece
of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and
NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get
to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego
and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with
a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back
two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I
tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send
them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.

[thedrifter]

Teen Attire


A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Teenagers and Cats


For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Teething


This is an actual conversation I over-heard while at lunch today. A young woman was talking with an older woman, apparently her mother. "I haven't slept in three days," she complained. "The baby is teething and he's up all night crying."

"Why don't you just rub a thimble-full of brandy on his gums. That will numb them up and put him right to sleep." answered mom.

"I can't give the baby alcohol! Lord knows what that will do to him."

"Well, it never hurt you any." The look on her face was priceless.

[thedrifter]

The Telegram


A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

[Bootneck]

C:\Documents and Settings\Allan Mitchell\Desktop\trap.jpg

[Bootneck]

Just one more, please pardon the pun.

These are from a series of cartoons by Royal Marine Illustrators, about the Falkland War

C:\Documents and Settings\Allan Mitchell\Desktop\kkk.jpg

[thedrifter]

Restricted fishing area

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" But you have all this
equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I
didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment.

[thedrifter]

Chemistry set

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.

He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.

His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

12 pound nugget of Gold

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown-he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown-He thought he was.
Reporter-Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown-It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter-Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter-Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown-No, but quite near it.
Reporter-Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter-Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter-Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown-I do my level best.
Reporter-do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown-No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter-Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Underwear

There was once a villager who got engaged to a girl from the
neighboring village. One day he decided to walk there and visit
his fiancée. So he asked his mum to go and buy some material
to make him some new underwear since he had been wearing
his for 3 months.

His mum bought 5 meters and made two pairs for him with
2 meters leaving 3 meters spare. He put on his new underwear
and his best kilt (skirt) and set off for the next village.

When he was half way there, he needed to go to the toilet, and
took off his underwear, and hung it on a tree so as not to dirty it.
When he was done, he forgot to put his underwear back on.

When he got to his fiancée’s house, he sat opposite her so as to
show off his new underwear. The girl looked shocked. When the
man saw her expression, he thought she was impressed with his
new underwear, and said,
"Do u like it? I have another 3 meters at home."

[Ed Palmer]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend, then?" he

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or
your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Phantom Blooper]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.




The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."




"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"




"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.




He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......








"Liver alone. Cheese mine."





:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and says, “What rates do you charge?” "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Telemarketer Intelligence Quiz




My uncle just told us his latest response when telemarketers call to urge him to switch long distance phone services.

He says "I don't have a phone."

They usually say "Oh, I'm sorry." and hang up.

[thedrifter]

Telemarketer


Our biggest disappointment with Caller ID was that many phone calls were tagged "OUT OF AREA" rather than giving a phone number. In particular, banks of phones behind switchboards or in a Centrex are marked that way, which covers most of those pesky telemarketers that make our lives so miserable.

We've found a way to work around that which others with Caller ID may also wish to use.

When we get calls marked OUT OF AREA, especially at the prime telemarketer time (6-8 pm), we now answer the phone "KDNA, you're on the air!" Usually the telemarketer will be a bit befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We will repeat that we are a radio station, that the caller is on the air, and is, in fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me: (seeing OUT OF AREA on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice) KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-LEEN So...So...So-johr-NOHR?
M: This is KDNA, and you are ON THE AIR! You've just won your choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
T: I have?
M: You certainly have.
T: Oh my god!
M: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
T: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
M: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you calling us from work?
T: Yes I am. (background voices) My boss says to take the money.
M: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
T: I didn't even know we were calling you!
M: Well, where are you calling us from?
T: (some place thousands of miles from us)
M: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there! So what's your name?
T: Sherry.
M: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.
T: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has ever happened to me!
M: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
T: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio station, anyway?
M: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at 106.6 FM. (obviously the telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations don't end in even decimals.
T: This is just so great!
M: Sherry, how old are you?
T: I'm 20.
M: And what do you do?
T: I'm a business student at (some college).
M: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
T: Oh, I just don't know!
M: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
T: I am. This is to help pay for college.
M: What's your job?
T: I'm a telemarketer.
M: You're a WHAT?
T: I'm a telemarketer... I call people up and ask them if they want to buy (product/service/etc)
M: Oh, that's too bad.
T: Why?
M: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should win.
T: But that's not fair!
M: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the rules.
T: But you can't do that!
M: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller. Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

[thedrifter]

The Telemarketer Tango, Part 1


How to Handle Telemarketers (long but very good)
by Michael Owen


If you're like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell you something.

And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling.

A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.

"When do you expect us to call?" he said. "At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody's home?"

That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable.

Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I'd make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them.

At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say,

"I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?" I'd do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped, "You're just wasting my time."

"I guess that makes us even," I said.

But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long.

And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time.

(OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and it's an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit.

The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making these up.)

The phone rings.

"Hello, is this Michael Owen?"

Yes.

"Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?"

Fine, and you?

"I'm fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?"

No.

"No one?"

Nope.

"Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?"

No.

"Not many?"

Nope. None.

"You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?"

No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, and my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.

(pause)

"Uh, Mr. Owen, you're using the phone right now."

(pause)

OH MY LORD! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! OH MY LORD!

Click.



You get the idea?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Hello, is this Mike Owen?"

Yep.

"Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami ..."

Not interested, thank you.

"Mr. Owen, it's free, if you and your ..."

'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton Hotels in the United States.

(I swear to God he then said:)

"So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?"

Yeah.

Click.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Hello, is this Mr. Owen?"

Yo.

"How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?"

No thanks, I'm rich as hell.

Click.

[thedrifter]

Telephone Call

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number..." replied the girl.

[thedrifter]

Telephone Mishap


A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

[thedrifter]

Telling Time

One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."

Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"

"That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then look at the time printed on the sales receipt."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Temperature of Hell

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

[thedrifter]

Ten Again




A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

[thedrifter]

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,"Thou shall not kill.

[thedrifter]

The Ten Commandments - 2


A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.

He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

[thedrifter]

Ten Most Wanted


Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

[thedrifter]

Ten Best Tools of All Time


By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA
(For ANYONE who owns a car)


Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. Vise-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vise-Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $ 100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.

[thedrifter]

Ten-Thousand Roaches


A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

[thedrifter]

A Terrible Night


It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

[thedrifter]

A Terrible Tragedy


A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[thedrifter]

A Test For the Ladies


Ladies, this test is for you. Pretend you are a man,
perhaps one close to you. Then answer the questions as
though it was he who was answering.
================================================== ====

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection,
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
enough to cause fractures.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the
clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but,
she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the
sorrows, world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed
new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran socks. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard
his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy
seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The TV Remote control.

[thedrifter]

Texas


Common Misconceptions about Texas

* That everything is twice as big in Texas. - Really
everything is 1.865 times bigger, but we round up.

* That the women have big hair. - In fact this was outlawed
in July 1977. There is a task force and they are doing their
best to reach every last woman. Bear with us.

* That Texas gets extremely hot in the summer. - Actually
we only have 2-3 days of real heat in Texas ... real heat being
when there is over a 75% probability of self-combustion.

* That JR Ewing still lives here. - That was a tv show people!
Come on! Chuck Norris, on the other hand, is a real,
karate-choppin' Texas Ranger.

* That we have killer bees, fire ants, gigantic roaches and
mosquitoes and other awful insects, tornadoes, hurricanes, and
damaging hailstorms. - I don't know where this pack of hysteria
got started, but we're gonna assume it's from some non-Texan type.
We tend to think of them as a few bitty bugs and a bad hair day.

* That everyone speaks with a Texas accent. - Y'all just
don't know what y'all are talking about.

-----------------------------------

(BTW, what is the plural of y'all?

[thedrifter]

Texas Speak


Phrases and their definitions straight from a real live cowboy...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)

All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Prone to boasting)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)

[thedrifter]

Texas Vegetables


"I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

[thedrifter]

Thank You Notes




One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving Forecast


THANKSGIVING OUTLOOK
by Elliot Abrams, excerpted from the book,
"Weather Prognosticators and the Media: Fallacies, Facts,
and Fun in Forecasting", by Norm Macdonald


Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving in the UK


A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving Prayer

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things that should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:

"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."

(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids



A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class


NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook

Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.

Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.

Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.

Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.

Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.

Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.

Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

[thedrifter]

Thanksgiving-Themed Movies


The Top 15 Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend's Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President's Menu

4. White Meat Can't Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie...

1. The Wing and I

Have a great holiday!

[thedrifter]

Theatrical Bugs




With animated movies like "Antz" and "A Bug's Life", I wondered: do their characters have soliloquies, or do they have pest asides?