Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

SGLI


Private Jones was assigned to the Army Induction Center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the Center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[thedrifter]

The Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced towards him out of a dust cloud. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a GPS navigation system, scans the area and opens a database and some 60 spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints a 150-page report on a miniature printer, turns to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.

As the car starts to pull away, he calls out: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not?" answers the young man, stopping the car.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess?"

"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here without being asked. You want to be paid for information I already have. And you don't know anything about my business because you just took my dog."

[thedrifter]

Sherlock and the IRS


A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" replied the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

[thedrifter]

Shhhh!


On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

[thedrifter]

Shhh.....

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawenes."

[thedrifter]

Shhhhh...


A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.

A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello". The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."

The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too." The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."

The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department ". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too." The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing?" The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."

[Phantom Blooper]

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.


Angelina says, "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickn a his nose





ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I justa canna taka dis anymore."



The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?

What have you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true.

I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.

Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.





I always follow ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:"

Number one -you always keepa your nose clean.

Ana number two - never screw up.
:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Shift-Key FAQ

Unleash the Power of Shift!

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

a. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it in the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

[thedrifter]

Ship Shape


(Originally from the Reader's Digest)

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?" Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

[thedrifter]

Shoe Purchase


A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ...they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he replied

[thedrifter]

Shoe Repair


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[thedrifter]

Shopping Mall




"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll just browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

[thedrifter]

Shopping With The Wife


"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter.

The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

[thedrifter]

The Shredder


A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8:00 p.m. he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."

[thedrifter]

Sidewalk Cafe


My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, California. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a stare and replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

[thedrifter]

Signature


Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to write, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

[thedrifter]

Sign in a Bait Shop




"If you are ice fishing and your car breaks through the ice in water more than fifty feet deep, remember to exhale slowly as you ascend to avoid bursting your lungs. Also, watch for walleye and, if possible, note their approximate depth and what they are feeding on."

[thedrifter]

Signs - Here and There


The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

[thedrifter]

Signs of the Times




SIGNS THAT DON'T QUITE GIVE THE INTENDED MESSAGE

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant …"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant … "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store … "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home … "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

Outside a country shop in West Virginia … "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store … "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago … "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant … "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company …"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store … "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston … "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon …"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway … "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut … "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building … "Mental Health Prevention Center"






SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases … "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward … "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash … "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store … "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor … "Ask about our layaway plan."

[thedrifter]

Signs That You Are a New Father


Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

[thedrifter]

Signs the Car You Just Bought is a Lemon


1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moes's Towing Company.

3. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

7. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.

8. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you drive by, it silently falls in behind you.

9. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Signs You Are in Bakersfield, California


YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN BAKERSFIELD, CA. WHEN......

1. A date to the Melodrama is the "theater".
2. You have to explain to company from out of town, what animal
"tri-tip" comes from and that it's indigenous to the area.
3. You buy salsa by the gallon.
4. You think a red traffic light is merely a suggestion.
5. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October,
but clear out before the end of April.
6. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
8. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
9. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
10. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
11. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
12. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to
drive your car.
13. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
14. The pool can be warmer than you are.
15. You can make sun tea instantly.
16. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace.
17. People with black cars or black upholstery are assumed to be
from out-of-town.
18. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.
19. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature
as the water from the hot one.
20. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
21. Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
22. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
23. And finally, no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery
in a car.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Alaskan


Tom's Note: I have seen another version of this, sent as "You know you are Canadian when..."

This one was sent as "You know you are Alaskan when..."

Having lived in Alaska (Kodiak 1968-69), I tend to believe that the list is more appropriate to our 49th state, no slight intended to my Canadian Neighbors.

PS: The Alaska State Insect is the Dragonfly (it eats mosquitos!)
I'm not making that up.

[thedrifter]

Signs you Might Be Alaskan, Part 2




Carolyn said that the list was right on target having lived at Fort Wainwright for 3 years. She added a few new "signs" of being Alaskan. Here they are:

1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.

2. Your town has no stray animals.

3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.

4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.

5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".

6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.

7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.

8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad until April or May.
-- Lovisa said that the jack-0-lanterns don't last til spring because the moose come up on the porch in November and eat them.

9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
-- That's for sure. When I was in Kodiak, 40 degrees (F) was considered warm enough for a bathing suit. - Tom

10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole different meaning than in the Lower 48.

11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard before you can come in from the bathroom. (Carolyn says that this actually happened to a friend of hers).


The two most common questions were to identify Sorels and Zamboni.

Sorels are warm, winter boots, considered by some to be "the best cold-weather boots in the world." They are manufactured by Kaufman Footwear, a Canadian company.

A Zamboni is a machine for resurfacing ice. Frank J. Zamboni (1901-1988) invented the first ice resurfacing machine in the early 1940's. The machines still carry his name to this day. The "Zamboni" has had a tremendous impact on skating and ice sports throughout the world.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Canadian


(With apologies to my Northern Neighbors)

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You know Toronto is not a province.

3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"

8. You never miss "Coaches Corner".

9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

12. You know what a tuque is.

13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

16. You sit on a chesterfield not a couch - that's some small town in Quebec!

17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

18. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"

21. Back Bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favorite food groups.

22. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.

23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

24. You participated in "Participaction".

25. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale: "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".

26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.

27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.

28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.

33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.

35. You have some momento of Doug and Bob.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be Canadian (Translated)


Each of the original statements is immediately followed by any needed translation
and is then followed by selected comments by my Canadian friends.

================================================== ========================
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
--------------------------------------------------
Whut are "movies"? We dun gots us "pitcher shows" in this necka tha wuds, EH!

================================================== ========================
2. You know Toronto is not a province.
--------------------------------------------------
In Canada, Toronto is not considered either a city or province.
It is the centre of the universe.

================================================== ========================
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just
spilled my poutine. "

[Serviette (sir-vee-ET) - a table napkin.]

[Poutine (pou-TEEN) - a French Canadian fast food: french fries (chips) with
cheese curd and brown gravy.]
--------------------------------------------------
A poutine is one of my favourite foods. It's delicious.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds disgusting doesn't it? It's a Quebec thing.
--------------------------------------------------
A delicacy.
--------------------------------------------------
My future husband explained "poutine" to me this evening. *ahem* cheese curd
isn't bad. hehehe
--------------------------------------------------
Ah my favorite. Ummm Ummm, looks gross but tastes great.
--------------------------------------------------
Sounds gross, but it's totally yummy!!
--------------------------------------------------
Poutine is something that may sound disgusting but is amazingly good if made
correctly. The best place to get it is from the street vendors in Ottawa.
Burger King tried to cash in on our love for poutine, but failed. It's the
worst poutine ever!
--------------------------------------------------
McDonald's is the only major fast food place up here that doesn't sell it.
Wendy's, A&W and Dairy Queen carry it.
--------------------------------------------------
Man, you can just hear the arteries clogging. For the record, Montreal, Quebec
poutine is the best.
--------------------------------------------------
The sauce has to be thick 'n' heavy enough
to lube a crankshaft for 80,000 klicks... Mmmmm-HMMM!

================================================== ========================
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
--------------------------------------------------
Hey, if it's covered in chocolate and in the shape of a bar it's a chocolate bar.

================================================== ========================
5. You drink pop, not soda.
--------------------------------------------------
Well I don't really know why we call it pop but I never heard a "soda sound"
while opening a fizzy drink but I sure have heard a "pop sound" before.

================================================== ========================
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
--------------------------------------------------
Pogey is maritime slang for collecting unemployment insurance. Some of us have
never collected in our lives. Others dip in as soon as they have the required
weeks accumulated.
--------------------------------------------------
How else would the unemployed pay rent and buy beer?
--------------------------------------------------
Unemployment Insurance, or as it's now called "Employment Insurance" Don't
ask - we don't understand that one either!
--------------------------------------------------
The governement has interfered so much with this benefit that workers need a
full time job to be able to qualify for the support payments.

================================================== ========================
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
--------------------------------------------------
A mickey is a (just a second, I have to check a bottle) 375mL bottle of alcohol.
--------------------------------------------------
A "2-4" is a 24 pack of beer.... real beer... not that American water stuff.
--------------------------------------------------
The long weekend in May, obsensibly to celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday
on the Twenty-Fourth, is called the 2-4 weekend -- first big bash at the lake.
--------------------------------------------------
Camp is the Ontario term for what we in the West call the cottage, a summer home,
usually at a lake. Some 'camps' are larger and more well appointed than many
permanent homes.

================================================== ========================
8. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
--------------------------------------------------
Hmm. This Canadian does.
--------------------------------------------------
Ever heard of Don Cherry? Well if you watch Hockey Night in Canada don't change
channels between periods because this guy is pretty brutal.
--------------------------------------------------
One of Canada's most beloved hockey personalities (beloved by some, despised by
others) Don Cherry (he used to coach the Boston Bruins, so he does have American
ties) has a short segment during intermission on Hockey Night In Canada (the
Saturday night hockey game). This segment, called Coaches Corner, is a time
when Don, along with hockey commentator Ron Maclean, discuss the game in their
unique style. It is tremendously entertaining, as Don Cherry is as politically
in-correct as a person can get (but he's certainly not offensive) and he and
Ron shoot verbal jabs at each other. It's very hard to describe the novelty
of it - it's unique! People who don't care for hockey will tune in just to see
Don and Ron during intermission. It's very funny!
--------------------------------------------------
An intermission feature on TV broadcasts of NHL hockey. Ron McLean is the straight
man to Don Cherry, an opinionated former NHL coach, very taken with loud ties, high
collared shirts, and himself.

================================================== ========================
9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
--------------------------------------------------
That's because we have so much of it.
--------------------------------------------------
Doesn't everyone?
--------------------------------------------------
If you don't like the weather in Canada, wait ten minutes, it will change!

================================================== ========================
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to
travel with good cigars and no Americans.
--------------------------------------------------
You bet, it's a good place to party ... I mean take a well deserved holiday.
--------------------------------------------------
Someone has to get the cigars.

================================================== ========================
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead
of telling them to stay out of it.
-------------------------------------------------
There is nobody that cares that much about anything and we figure that we elect
other people so we don't have to.

================================================== ========================
12. You know what a tuque is.

[Tuque (TOUK) or Toque which is the French word - a warm knitted usually pointed
stocking cap.]
--------------------------------------------------
Good heavens... doesn't anyone in the US use a knitted stocking hat for winter?
--------------------------------------------------
A toque is God's gift to Canadians: while being the practically perfect way to
keep one's head warm in the winter (a long, comfy and close-fitting knitted cap,
often with pom-poms on top), it suffices to say that the toque is incontrovertibly
a style of its own.
--------------------------------------------------
What the heck do you wear on your head when YOU go skiing?
--------------------------------------------------
It's pulled down over the ears and covers most of the hairline, but is pushed up
over the eyebrows so we can see into the blizzards.

================================================== ========================
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
--------------------------------------------------
3 bags are sold together for a total of 4 litres (a little under a gallon). You
need a special plastic or ceramic holder (kinda like a pitcher). You put the bag
of milk into the holder, slit off a corner of the plastic bag and then you can
pour the milk. They freeze great.

================================================== ========================
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
--------------------------------------------------
(Northern) Pike is indeed a fish, although that is the fancy name that we give
to the US fishermen we're trying to impress. When Canadians catch 'em they're
called Jackfish.

================================================== ========================
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? No really, I am asking.
(Tom's response: I dunno. After you chop a tree down, you chop it up. You blow
on your hands to warm them up and blow on your soup to cool it off.
Language! Go figure!)

================================================== ========================
16. You sit on a chesterfield not a couch - that's some small town in Quebec!
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, I have a cousin who lives there and you are right, it is small!

[thedrifter]

================================================== ========================
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
--------------------------------------------------
A Robertson screwdriver has a square tip. It is superior as you can stick it
in a screw and the screw will stay on the screwdriver until you have finished
screwing it in.
--------------------------------------------------
4 main sizes.... 0 (smallest)(yellow handle) 1 (green handle) 2 (most common,
red handle) 3 (larges, black handle)

================================================== ========================
18. You have Canadian Tire Money in your kitchen drawers.

[Canadian Tire is a nationwide retail chain selling automotive products,
sporting goods, home and garden hardware and plumbing supplies.]
--------------------------------------------------
There is a department store in Canada called "Canadian Tire". They issue coupons
in the form of Canadian Tire dollars. They are worthless unless you redeem them
at the store. Many Canadians simply leave them lying in their kitchen drawers
with the thought of someday redeeming them.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't shop there often.
--------------------------------------------------
Also something which has been spotted in the hands of confused American tourists
attempting to purchase Big-Macs.
--------------------------------------------------
To encourage cash purchases they give you a small percentage of this Canadian
Tire Money back. It's just fancy looking monopoly money but it has paper bills
for coins. We put it in the kitchen drawers so one day we have enough to buy the
store.
--------------------------------------------------
Just this year I've collected and spent $150 in Canadian Tire money. That's one
free ladder and $40 bucks off a new hunting coat.

================================================== ========================
19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are purple chicklet-type gum that used to be only 5¢ a pack. Of course for
your cheap thrill you got a soapy-tasting chew. Yuck.
--------------------------------------------------
This is a type chewing gum with a unique fruity flavour that has a slightly soapy
taste. You've gotta taste it to know what we are talking about. They taste great
but the gum turns hard after a few minutes of chewing.
--------------------------------------------------
They DO taste like soap. I don't know why people chew it.
--------------------------------------------------
Thrills are really bad tasting purple gum. They kind of look like Chiclets. But
they taste like soap.
--------------------------------------------------

================================================== ========================
20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
--------------------------------------------------
You mean like that cute guy on "Due South" that dresses in that darling red uniform?
Of course they all do. :)
--------------------------------------------------
The red serge is their dress uniform, which is worn only for ceremonial events.
The everyday uniform is very much like that worn by American police officers.

================================================== ========================
21. Back Bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
--------------------------------------------------
Known as Canadian Bacon south of the border. Or sometimes Peameal Bacon. Kraft
Dinner is macaroni & cheese in a box.
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, and the other two are poutines and big macs. I think fruit and vegetables
might be another one but I am not sure.

================================================== ========================
22. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
--------------------------------------------------
Amen!
--------------------------------------------------
Other great Canadian comic actors .... Michael J. Fox, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy,
Leslie Nielson, Jim Carey, and others. The best comedy talent in the USA is
obviously Canadian in origin. I will also mention that Peter Jennings and Alex
Trebek are also Canadians, though they are not particularly funny.

================================================== ========================
23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
--------------------------------------------------
Casey and Finnegan were two well-loved puppet characters on a children's show,
called "Mr. Dressup", which ran for 30 years or more. Casey was a little boy
and Finnegan was his dog. Mr. Dressup was Ernie Coombs, a very popular
children's entertainer, who has just recently retired. Similar to Mr. Rogers,
but more jolly!

================================================== ========================
24. You participated in "Participaction".
--------------------------------------------------
"Particip-Action" was a national program, promoting a physically active lifestyle.
People across the country were encouraged to take part in sport and recreational
activities so we wouldn't become a nation of couch potatoes.
--------------------------------------------------
One of my favourite commercials went... "Participaction says, Walk a block a day...
and call us when you get to Winnipeg."
--------------------------------------------------
The initial spur came from a TV commercial that claimed that the average 70 year
old Swede was in better shape than the average 20 year old Canadian.

================================================== ========================
25. You have an Inuit Carving by your bedside with the rationale: "What's good
enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
--------------------------------------------------
Inuit Carvings are soapstone carvings made by the Inuit (Eskimos). Several years
ago, some nut-case broke into the Prime Ministers residence. (Some mountie heads
rolled on that one). When the PM heard someone in the house, he grabbed the carving
that was beside his bed and went after the guy. No one got hurt in the incident,
although if you've ever seen the way the PM handles heckler's who get in his face,
you'd be surprised that he didn't brain the intruder!

(Tom's note: I was sent several versions of this story. In some of them, the
intruder was hit in the head with the carving. Who knows what you can do when
you are armed with soapstone?)

================================================== ========================
26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
--------------------------------------------------
I do NOT wonder why there is not a five dollar coin. I think that the two dollar
coin was the stupidest thing ever invented.
--------------------------------------------------
Just for the record, the $5 coin would be a $2 coin in American funds.
--------------------------------------------------
We no longer have 1 or 2 dollar bills in Canada. The $1 bill was replaced by a
coin with a Loon on it, affectionately known as a "Loonie." The $2 coin has a
picture of the Queen on the front and a polar bear on the backside. Inspite of
attempts to have the coin known as a "Queen with a bear behind", for some reason
is known as a "Twoonie."
--------------------------------------------------
You always hate when you buy a 75 cent coffee with a $10 bill and the cashier
replies I have no $5 dollar bills. You then end up with 4 twoonies, 1 loonie
and a quarter. Wouldn't a "fivie" 1 loonie and a quarter be lighter to carry
around all day?

27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't
possess a Canadian passport.
--------------------------------------------------
I happen to have a Canadian passport and under ocupation I have listed
myself as an international assassin/terrorist/spy to avoid suspicion.
--------------------------------------------------
We donut need wun cuzz the best fishin' is rite here in Canader, EH!

================================================== ========================
28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing
'u's from labor, honor, and color.
--------------------------------------------------
American text book authors don't know how to spell. Their labour, although
often honourable and colourful, is not centred in it's efforts in relation to
Canadian spelling.
--------------------------------------------------
You think that's bad? You should see how angry I get when spell-check on Microsoft
Word keeps telling me I don't know how to spell them correctly.
--------------------------------------------------
We cants help it if'n yew fokes donut no how ter spel, EH?

================================================== ========================
29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added",
thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
--------------------------------------------------
All commercial labelling (not just cereal) in Canada have to have bi-lingual
labeling. The labels have to be in French and English.

================================================== ========================
30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
--------------------------------------------------
For sure, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
Don't you get excited when we mention you on our Canadian networks?

================================================== ========================
31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
--------------------------------------------------
Or so they told me at the coffee machine.

[thedrifter]

32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
"Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
--------------------------------------------------
Huh?
--------------------------------------------------
Heck, if a kid starts singing this in the mall, everyone will stop and do
the actions with them!
--------------------------------------------------
Sharon, Lois and Bram are children's entertainers who's theme song is:

Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.
I love you in the morning and in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.
Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky doo, I love you.

There are hand actions. Their TV shows have included "Skin-a-ma-rink" "Sharon,
Lois & Bram" "The Elephant Show" and they currently have another show on the air,
but I can't remember the name. They've been around for ever.

================================================== ========================
33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
--------------------------------------------------
Yech!
--------------------------------------------------
Yeah ... good stuff!
--------------------------------------------------
I can also look at poutine and get hungry even though it looks terrible.
--------------------------------------------------
One is never enough!
--------------------------------------------------
But not in the same day. They are terribly sweet! Residents of Vermont can
probably do the same. We don't see them often around here. And Maple syrup
is priced just below gold on current exchanges.
--------------------------------------------------
That's just from shear endurance and repetition. You got to build up stamina.

================================================== ========================
34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
--------------------------------------------------
I was not disappointed when the Beachcombers were cancelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Not me!! ... crumby show.
--------------------------------------------------
Absoultely. This was a 1970's & 1980's sit-com / drama that took place on the
West Coast (near Vancouver, BC).
--------------------------------------------------
The Beachcombers was a neat show set on the west coast of Canada in a small
town called "Gibson's Landing" known simply as "Gibsons." Bruno Gerusi played
'Nick.' The restaraunt in the show, 'Molly's Reach' was a real restaraunt,
and filming was actually done in the restaraunt.
--------------------------------------------------
I even wrote a letter to the network about it, didn't everyone?

================================================== ========================
35. You have some momento of Doug and Bob.
--------------------------------------------------
Two commedians from the SCTV improv show. They poked fun at the Canadian
stereotype of hockey-crazed, beer swilling, tuque-wearing guys.
So, like take off, eh?
--------------------------------------------------
First of all, I'm Canadian and who the heck are Doug and Bob?
--------------------------------------------------
Bob & Doug MacKenzie were the creation of Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis on SCTV
(Second City TV). Other alumnus of SCTV are John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Andrea
Martin, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara & Martin Short.
--------------------------------------------------
I still have momentos of the boys, including a pirated copy of their full length
movie "Strange Brew". But don't tell anyone. I'm armed with an Inuit carving.

[DebSantos]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8” and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[thedrifter]

Signs you Might Be From Hazleton


SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE FROM HAZLETON...

You know what "henna/hayna" means.

You consider fancy dining to be any meal at the Knotty Pines (or just the "Pines").

You know what Skate Odyssey was.

You used to get ice cream from Scoopers when it used to be Farmer's Dairy.

You had a birhthday party at Aladdin's Castle or the Magic Touch.

You used to shop at Discountland.

You ever hung out at the Laurel Mall and then McDonald's on a Friday night when you were in Junior High.

You work 5 jobs at the Laurel Mall.

You considered getting a Wal-Mart moving up in the world.

You remember when Ollies was K-Mart and K-Mart was Zayres and when Zayres was Ames.

You know what "pitz" is.

You say ain't (even though ain't ain't a word).

You say "youse guys" when speaking to more than one person.

You drive a pick up that is more than 6 feet off the ground.

You can remember when Dominos was Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You can remember when Hazleton Cinemas was only two theaters.

You can remember when the Key theater was really the Majestic.

Gourmet Lunch: Jimmy Dogs.

You thought you were going to die on Angela Park's roller coaster.

Two words: Bingo Eddie's. How much more Hazleton does it get?

You remember that the Laurel Mall site was once a public swimming pool.

You remember Tastycakes.

You remember when your living room was called "the parlor".

You've seen Jack Palance at the Mall.

You know the difference between Two Italian Guys and Two Guys from Italy.

You think the Standard-Speaker is a real newspaper.

You think there should be a left turn arrow at Church and Broad.

You can pronounce things like Kryczanznak and Kryzwicki's.

You like your french fries with vinegar, not ketchup.

You thought Most Precious Blood had the best church bazaar.

You rode the bus in the summer to go swimming at Angela Park.

Your main recreational activity growing up was standing in front of Vesuvios in a 5-degree wind chill after walking from St. Joe's gym following a basketball game.

You once actually saw that old man folding pizza boxes in Vesuvios stand up and walk outside.

You can't understand why Pizza Hut, Dominos, Little Caeser's, etc., don't offer pizza with extra scamutz.

You know what scamutz is.

Click-Click took your prom photos.

You remember Price's Dairy Store on 8th Street and the horses on West Green Street that later became Sherry's Plumbing and Heating, and then A to S Sheet Metals, and is now Glass Creations.

Your immediate response to "how are you?" is "good'n you?"

You ever went to the Leader store and drank cherry cokes or went just to ride up and down the escalator.

You pronounce the word "tiger," as "tagger" (e.g. "that Tagger Woods is a great golfer.")

You can remember When K.F.C was Arthur Treachers!

You know that the correct pronounciation of the name Anthony is really "Ant'ny" and that Acme is really pronounced "Ack-A-Me". Of course a battery is a "bat-tree".

A "colliery" is a coal mine and its associated buildings. Properly pronounced "call-yer-ee", you know it is really just a "call-ree".

You know the best pierogies are made by little old ladies in church basements.

Your favorite lunch was a hoagie and a $ .25 CMP from the "Base".

You scared yourself silly at the 50 cent double feature horror matinee every Sunday at the Feeley.

You waited for the Silver Beavers to march by in a parade.

Your mom bought you new shoes from the trunk of Smiling Tony's car.

You think an afernoon out means going to Harrys U Pull it

You are addicted to Farmer's iced tea and nothing else ever compares.

You think Wilkes-Barre is a "big city"

You know what Senapes cold pizza is.

You have ever been chased by the police for 'hanging out in the parking lot' downtown Friday.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Louisiana




Signs You Might Be From Louisiana .....

The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.(also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed".

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple".

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Louisiana (Translated)


1. The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.
--------------------------------------------------
Now that's bad! They make mounds in bodies of water though.
--------------------------------------------------
I've lived here all my life and I've never heard anyone say "crawdad".
--------------------------------------------------
Crawfish(crawdads) burrow down in the mud, making a "mound" wherever they
choose to live.

================================================== ========================
2. You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Translation: How is your family doing since last I've seen them?
They are all good.
--------------------------------------------------
We're just hillbilly soundin' people. Very much like the nuts Jeff Foxworthy
loves to make a living off of.
--------------------------------------------------
Other translations -

Hey dawlin'. Where y'at!
(Hello. How are you?)

We caught it out by the neutral ground in fronta Kaybee's.
(We witnessed the Mardi Gras parade as it passed and caught some of the beads,
trinkets and cups which were thrown from the floats while we stood on the median
in front of a K&B Drug Store.)

Dem crawdads not lookin so good dis season, Boudreaux.
(Crawfish prices are going to be high this February-July because of dry weather
and all the imports from over-seas, Joe.)

Community Coffee, Haydels, Zapps, K&B, Abita, etc., are eeesentialllll...we love
'makin dem groceries' and 'savin dem' when 'da devil done paid his due'.
(Those are Louisiana staple groceries. We trust buying them and stocking
our pantries with them when pay day comes.)

================================================== ========================
3. Every so often, you have waterfront property.
--------------------------------------------------
A "hard rainfall" will overflow very deep ditches and flood your yard. This can
happen after a rainfall that lasts only a couple of hours. (My children used to
swim in the ditches, after a rain.)
--------------------------------------------------
We are below sea level.

================================================== ========================
4. When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown",
"riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."
--------------------------------------------------
I've never heard of "backatown" although I know we definitely use the other directions.
--------------------------------------------------
I don't even remember which direction is North, South, East and West, although I do
remember that our westbank is located on the east side of the city.
--------------------------------------------------
Louisiana directions are something else! Once I was given directions to the polls
on election day (different precinct than the one I normally use) and was told to
"drive down 190 and turn right at the RED Coca Cola sign." (Guess they thought I
might get lost if I saw a BLUE or GREEN Coca Cola sign!)
--------------------------------------------------
After visiting my brother-in-law in a New Orleans Hospital (some 20 years after I
had moved away) my sister gave the following directions to her house: "Get off the
Interstate at Veterans Highway - then turn left where Pelican Bowling Lanes
'used to be'."

================================================== ========================
5. When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to
places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."
--------------------------------------------------
Where I live, anybody north of I-10 is considered a yankee.
--------------------------------------------------
I am from Ohio (we're almost southern, aren't we? That's what they think in
Michigan, anyway!)

================================================== ========================
6. You've ever had Community Coffee.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a cajun brand that is available in numerous states, besides
Louisiana. It is an extra strong brand with an abundance of something called chicory.
(From a Deep East Texan who roomed one semester with a real live Cajun in college.)
--------------------------------------------------
Community is a local coffee roasting company and they roast it to the taste of most
people in Louisiana. (I don't drink coffee - so I wouldn't know one from the other
- but I often ship it to family and friends who no longer live in Louisiana and cannot
find a "decent" cup of coffee anywhere.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a very strong coffee that EVERYONE drinks in Louisiana.
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is based in Baton Rouge and makes a dark roast coffee that's so
distinctive people who grew up drinking it won't touch any other kind. When traveling,
many Baton Rougeans bring it with them or just avoid coffee until they get home. Some
of us have been known to switch to tea for our morning caffeine while on the road.
--------------------------------------------------
Basically the official coffee of Louisiana.
--------------------------------------------------
Chicory coffee is still there. It's a flavor, not a brand. It's awful stuff!
--------------------------------------------------
Most Cajuns prefer the darkest roast possible--in other words, almost non-diluted
coffee beans!! Thick and strong. Like drinking mud!
--------------------------------------------------
Community Coffee is a local coffee that has the addition of roasted chicory. This
was originally added as a cheap means of extending coffee, but is now favored for
the "bite" it gives to the flavor.

================================================== ========================
7. You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.(also, Thibideaux, Opelousas,
Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)
--------------------------------------------------
Had to let you know that you spelled Thibodaux and Pontchartrain incorrectly.
--------------------------------------------------
Tchoupitoulas - is pronounced "chop i too las" or "chop a too less"
Thibodeaux - is pronounced "Tib eh doe" or "Tib a doe"
Ouachita - is "Wash - i - taw" (some say "Wish - i - taw")
The other three are self-explanatory....I cannot imagine them not being said as they
are spelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Opelousas - "op a loo sus"
Pontchartrain -"pon cha train"
Atchafalaya - "a chaf a lie a"
--------------------------------------------------
Pontchartrain and Atchafalya are bodies of water, the others are towns.

================================================== ========================
8. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of
your house.
--------------------------------------------------
Ships ride higher than your house because the levee keeps the river higher than the
land. (Louisiana is below sea level.)
--------------------------------------------------
Before the ships are fueled down and stocked with their shipments they set high on
the river. After they've been loaded, they go down LOTS!

================================================== ========================
9. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)
--------------------------------------------------
A po-boy is a very large, juicy (messy) sandwich, the more the mess, the better the
taste. They are usually overflowing.
--------------------------------------------------
A Po-Boy is a sandwich - a rather large sandwich. They used to be called "Poor Boys"
and the name was shortened. Similar sandwiches in other parts of the country might be
called Subs, Hoagies, or Heroes.

================================================== ========================
10. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy
"dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.
--------------------------------------------------
Truer words ain't never been spoke. Thet See-zar salad stuff ain't real food!

contin.

[thedrifter]

================================================== ========================
11. You know the definition of "dressed".
--------------------------------------------------
"Dressed" is LOT's of lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, peppers, mayo, mustard,
cheese, etc.
--------------------------------------------------
A 'dressed po boy' is a crusty bread sandwich with all the 'dressins'...hee
hee...'fixins'. Mayonaisse, mustrich, peekles, ernions....
--------------------------------------------------
The type of stuff on it depends on what kind of po-boy it is and where you get
the po-boy from. For instance, a Roast Beef po-boy "dressed" would also have
gravy on it.
--------------------------------------------------
Fully dressed etc..., is with "everything", including Tabasco!

================================================== ========================
12. You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with
Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.
--------------------------------------------------
Popeye's is a Cajun spiced fried chicken fast-food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
The chicken is really spicy. "Food With Attitude" is their motto.
and the Red Beans and Rice are to die for...
--------------------------------------------------
How can you NOT have eaten at a Popeye's? Popeye's was started in New Orleans,
and they make fried chicken. SPICY fried chicken. They also have very good "seasoned"
french fries.
--------------------------------------------------
Haydel's is a New Orleans bakery specializing in King Cakes.
--------------------------------------------------
I personally feel like Randazzo's makes the best king cake but who am I to say!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapps: light, fried potato chips - they come in every flavor that you could imagine!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapp's is a local manufacturer of the best flavored potato chips this side of heaven!
They probably make other things, too - but I've not had my fill of the chips yet!
--------------------------------------------------
Zapp's "Crawtator" potato chips can't be beat when you need a spicy snack!!
--------------------------------------------------
Barq's is the best root beer in the world, cuz it's got bite!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Abita: Louisiana-made beer: it is light flavored, smooth, tasty beer.
Comes in several varieties including Turbo Dog and Purple Haze.
--------------------------------------------------
Abita is one of those newly fashionable microbreweries located in Abita Springs.
They also produce bottled water there.
--------------------------------------------------
Barqs: the root beer to wash down the po-boy
Zapps: the chips to go with the po-boy
Abita: the beer to wash down the tabasco on the po-boy
--------------------------------------------------
You also know what Tony's Seasoning is and you refuse to leave the state without it.
(It's a special secret blend of spices that can make even the worst food taste good.
You could probably eat your shoe if you sprinkled some Tony's on it. A word to the
wise: do not try Tony's on cornflakes.)

================================================== ========================
13. The four seasons in your year are: Crawfish, Shrimp, Crab and King Cake.
--------------------------------------------------
Dere ya go!

================================================== ========================
14. You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish
smell off.
--------------------------------------------------
"Wrench" is the *correct* way to prounounce "rinse"
--------------------------------------------------
Takes a lot to get the smell of crawfish off your hands!
--------------------------------------------------
A lot of cajuns say "zink" instead of "sink".
--------------------------------------------------
Just in case you're wondering, you can also get crawfish smell off with salt
and a lemon.

================================================== ========================
15. You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
--------------------------------------------------
"ax" is the *correct* way to pronounce "ask"
--------------------------------------------------
Other pronunciation thoughts:
Most people in New Orleans have different pronunciations for words that end
in "er" or "ing". Examples: trailer = trailuh, driver = drivuh. "Ing" words
are not pronounced with the "g". Examples: swimming = swimmin', walking = walkin', etc.
--------------------------------------------------
As long as we're speaking of pronunciation, it is of utmost importance that you pronounce
"praline" (a sugary Creole candy) correctly. It is PRAH-leen and not PRAY-leen.
Got it? Good!

================================================== ========================
16. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
--------------------------------------------------
We all make a big thing for carnival and think it's known by all Americans.
I guess not, huh.

================================================== ========================
17. You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
--------------------------------------------------
Louisiana has parishes instead of counties.
--------------------------------------------------
We are the only state to have these!

================================================== ========================
18. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will
even eat things those colors).
--------------------------------------------------
Purple, Green and Gold are the traditional colors of Mardi Gras and
even the King Cakes are decorated with those colors.
--------------------------------------------------
The Mardi Gras colors are Purple, Gold, Green. During Mardi Gras the cakes are
all of these colors.

================================================== ========================
19. You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker)
and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi
Gras beads.
--------------------------------------------------
It's always cold Mardi Gras day. This day you catch things thrown to you from the floats.

================================================== ========================
20. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
--------------------------------------------------
Yes, the names are not pronounced how they are spelled---Derouen is pronounced "Derwin".
--------------------------------------------------
Our last name is Robicheaux pronounced Row-buh-show.

================================================== ========================
21. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
--------------------------------------------------
Big swamp rat that looks just like a regular rat and smells worse.
--------------------------------------------------
A large rodent that lives in the swamp and tastes great in a gumbo!

================================================== ========================
22. You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching
blue crabs.
--------------------------------------------------
To get to the sea you have to descend stairs and there the crabs come right up to you
to catch.

================================================== ========================
23. You describe a color as "K&B Purple".
--------------------------------------------------
K&B is one of the major drugstores in Louisiana, purple is the color of their logo
(it is kinda like a "Barney" purple)
--------------------------------------------------
K & B Drug Store began here with a dominant advertising color of purple - all store
brand products also had this purple color. Unfortunately, K & B was bought out be
Rite-Aid and K&B Purple does not dominate our city any more.
--------------------------------------------------
Until recently we had a chain of drugstores named K & B. They have since been bought
by Rite Aid. Anyway - K & B's sign, bags, and everything was the strange purple color.
--------------------------------------------------
K & B was a very old drug store that was bought out by Rite-Aid about a year or two ago.
People flocked to buy the old purple signs, baskets, carts...etc. Many "natives" were
really upset.
--------------------------------------------------
K&B or KB or KB's was a local drug store for decades (the business was founded in 1905).
The trademark color was a deep, violent purple. Everything in KB was purple, from the
price tags to the ink pens (and their ink) to the managers' and cashiers' vests.

contin.

[thedrifter]

24. You like your rice and politics dirty.
--------------------------------------------------
Dirty rice is rice with ground beef, onions and spices.
--------------------------------------------------
Dirty politcs is, well, politics as usual.

================================================== ========================
25. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".
--------------------------------------------------
Come on, that's how we all say it!
--------------------------------------------------
New Orleans is a city whose name is pronounced in nearly 100 different ways by its
citizens. It can range from the nearly 5-syllable "Nyoo Ahhlyins" to the monosyllabic
"Nawlin".

================================================== ========================
26. A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was
palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under
the seat.
--------------------------------------------------
The palmetto roach is just called a cockroach down here.

================================================== ========================
27. You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.
--------------------------------------------------
In the summer when it's really hot and the roaches are flying, we have a problem with
them coming in from outside. When you're in bed and you hear a small smack followed by
another smack, that's a flying roach that just ran into the ceiling fan, was hurled
against the wall behind your bed and is now in the bed with you so you better get up
and get him out!!!

[thedrifter]

Signs You Might Be From Montana



The wind is faster than your truck.

You own more than four pairs of gloves.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.

In March your vehicle is 43% mud.

You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.

You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.

Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.

You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".

The elevation exceeds the population of your town.

Monday night football starts at 7:00, instead of 9:00.

The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.

Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!
(That was also true in Kodiak, Alaska. - Tom)

You can pay for a "Big Mac" with a personal check.

There's a Bison in your lane.

Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.

You can see the stars at night.

People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.

Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.

Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.

More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.

The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.

The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).

You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.

You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.

A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.

You put the car heater on your list of best friends.

You slept through the night undisturbed by a siren ... or a train!

A rodeo is more popular than a Madonna concert.

Tractors are a normal part of traffic.

You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.

Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.

You have made jerky at least once in your life.

You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.

Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty.

You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee".

You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.

You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.

You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (F) outside.

You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages 12 feet wide qualifies as a highway.

You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or 7 miles away.

You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.

You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.

Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.

You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.

You've patched your jeans by using duct tape.
(Doesn't everyone? -Tom)

You local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite dishes.

You love the BIG SKY!

[thedrifter]

The Silent Ranks




THE SILENT RANKS

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.

I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind.

My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man.
and the call to serve his country not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Military Wife.

--Author Unknown

[thedrifter]

Singles Ad


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl
who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy.)

[thedrifter]

Sins of Omission




A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

[thedrifter]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him:

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

[thedrifter]

Six Again


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."



The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[thedrifter]

Size of the Army




Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals loses a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."

[Phantom Blooper]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"


The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.


The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"



Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph


Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself !

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.


WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!



Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

.
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers


.
.
"Unhook . my . suspenders ... from ... your ... side ... mirror":banana:













:

[thedrifter]

Skeleton




The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[thedrifter]

Skiing?


One needn't actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing ... just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.


Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.


Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing but it's close.


Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.


Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.


Wear apre ski boots everywhere - even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.


At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.


For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.


Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you from losing it later.


Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.


Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.


To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Then try to find it.


To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with your eyes closed.


Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

[thedrifter]

Skip-A-Day Diet Plan


Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[thedrifter]

Sleeping at Your Desk




TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."


And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1. " ...... Amen."

[thedrifter]

Sleepy Juror


A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; You wake him up."

[thedrifter]

The Sleepy Passenger


A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Slight Mistake


I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers . . ." Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, ". . . you are in the wrong store."

[thedrifter]

Small Town .....


You know you live in a small town when...

...The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

...The local phone book has only one yellow page.

...Third Street is on the edge of town.

...You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

...You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

...No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

...You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

...Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

[thedrifter]

Small Town Emergency


The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.

"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

[thedrifter]

Small Town USA

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

[Phantom Blooper]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he
approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who
looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT
TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[Phantom Blooper]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he obse