Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 34 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:16 AM

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!

9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:17 AM

Prescription

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:17 AM

The President and the Puppies

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democratic puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are. The man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democratic puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were, today they have their eyes open!"

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LATER . . .

President Clinton decides to buy one of the puppies as a present for Hillary. He sneaks the puppy under his coat into the White House and he's walking down one of the halls when he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton can't hold back and shares his surprise with the Vice President.

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:18 AM

If the President Were a Dog ...

WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG
(Broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman)

10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President,"
reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public Enemy # 1 -- Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking
x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:18 AM

Presidential Accident

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the President.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you don't need a wheelchair!"

"No, but I will when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:19 AM

Presidential Tragedy

President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of children about tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl.

The girl said, "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."

A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great loss."

Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand. He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy."

Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy. Can you explain why?"

The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!"

Phantom Blooper

05-19-04, 08:20 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.
"With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Phantom Blooper

05-19-04, 08:28 AM

Family Honor

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and
let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you,
you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to
try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him
do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do
that. It will disgrace the family.

" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she
had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried to get on top of me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted
:banana:

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:43 PM

Funny Quips

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Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.

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When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.

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The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.

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How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

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Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.

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My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.

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It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.

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During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.

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Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.

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My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.

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Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!

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The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.

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Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?

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Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.

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Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.

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If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.

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The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!

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I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.

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An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:44 PM

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

you can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:45 PM

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:46 PM

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:46 PM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:47 PM

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:47 PM

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're ****ed, Superman."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:48 PM

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

thedrifter

05-19-04, 08:48 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:55 AM

Pretzels

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:56 AM

The Price of Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:56 AM

The Priest's Collar

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told the child that he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid.

So the priest took the collar tab out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:57 AM

Priest and Nun

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:58 AM

Priest and Rabbi

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:58 AM

Primitive Self-Expression

In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:58 AM

Printer Paper

I recently purchased some Hewlett Packard paper for my laser printer. On the back of the package I saw a list describing the many uses for the multipurpose paper.

"HP Multipurpose Paper is great for multiple original copies,
memos, projects, reports, faxes, E-mail, invoices and other
office printing needs."

E-mail? And to think I've been sending E-mail for years without the proper paper.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:59 AM

Printer Repair

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

thedrifter

05-20-04, 07:59 AM

Prison Life vs Full-Time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:00 AM

Problem in New York

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...

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thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:00 AM

The Procrastinator's Creed

1) I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2) I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work
or find excuses.
3) I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4) I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5) I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6) I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7) I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8) If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9) I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
10) I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11) I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the
work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12) I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13) I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
about forever.
14) I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-
Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever
get it organized.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:06 PM

The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest:

1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,'
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'"

4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going
on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and
never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.''

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:07 PM

This sensational game, unlike some other television drinking games, is guaranteed to get you absolutely and completely **** faced drunk in under an hour. So gather your friends around the TV, because its time to finally get up to date with work events and get ****ing plastered at the same time, its CNN drinking game time!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CNN DRINKING GAME INSTRUCTIONS

Number of Players
2 to 10 (having more than 10 really puts a strain on the local ambulance supply)

What Is Needed
1 pair of dice; lots of beer; lots of booze; 1 king can of beer or booze.

How to Play
Tune into CNN. Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below, drink the corresponding amount and type of alcohol. The first one convulsing on the floor with twitching legs and flailing arms, wins!

Using the Keywords Table
The "If you hear..." column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. "If you read..." mean any time you see on that annoying ticker at the bottom the keyword.

Qualifying Beverages
Booze refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no pansy coolers or ciders. Beer refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. Skull is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer. Sip is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of beer, "nursing it" sips are not permitted.

Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their pie holes when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed pathetic and that player is disqualified.

Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more of the keywords in a single sentence (example "Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Jackson.") all players must role pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull king can of beer or booze.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you hear.. You Drink... If you read... You Drink...
"weapons of mass destruction" Skull Beer "weapons of mass destruction" 1 Shot Booze
"terrorist" Skull Beer "terrorist" 1 Shot Booze
"regime" Skull Beer "regime" 1 Shot Booze
"Iraq" Skull Beer "Iraq" 1 Shot Booze
"Jackson" 1 Sip of Beer "Jackson" 1 Sip or Beer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This game is ONLY in fun, and is only trying to point out HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES we hear the same words OVER and OVER and OVER again, day after day after day on CNN. It is NOT intended to make light of any of the situations surrounding what the news its self.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:08 PM

Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:10 PM

Store employees put up with a lot of ****. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs...

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY ****ed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the ****ing line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief...maybe I can make a ****ing phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your ****ing dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, ****, cockroaches, ants.... And yes, you do have to put your nasty **** on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then ***** to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't...*******!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop.....WELL IT AIN'T A ****ING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet **** all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me... Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the **** are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same ******* menu for 25 years. Get the ****ing quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the ****ing line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of ****.

We're closed dumb ****, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of ****ing America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your ****ing mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you moron, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well **** off to another supermarket. I don't give a ****.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

thedrifter

05-20-04, 08:11 PM

Brunette Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

Phantom Blooper

05-20-04, 08:26 PM

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is
at work. Unbeknownst to her, 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Herhusband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Phantom Blooper

05-20-04, 08:42 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar in Wyoming, orders three mugs of Bud and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Wyoming. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking..

Phantom Blooper

05-20-04, 08:44 PM

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-20-04, 08:46 PM

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink"
:banana:

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:35 AM

The Prodigal Son Returns

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said ......"

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:35 AM

What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)

You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)

If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)

The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)

You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)

In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)

Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
(Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.)

Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)

We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.)

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. If will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night to prepare a lecture.)

Any questions?
(I'm ready to let you go.)

The implications of this study are clear.
(I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.)

The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice.
(The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C+.)

The test scores were a little below my expectations.
(Where was the party last night?)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone flunked.)

Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
(Has anyone opened the book yet?)

According to my sources...
(According to the guy who taught this class last year...)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:35 AM

What the Professor Says
(What the Professor Really Means)
Part 2

This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)

My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.)

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:36 AM

Project Managers

This really happened today.

Scene: Project meeting, conducted by telephone.

Project Manager: How large is the user file?

Me: Right now it's about 4K, but it will grow as you add users.

PM: How much can you fit in 4K?

ME (trying to make it easy): About 4,000 characters.

PM: No, no, son! I mean how many lower case characters can you fit?

ME (puzzled): About 4,000?

PM: And how many upper case characters?

ME (unable to resist): You can fit about 4,000 lower case characters or 1 upper case character.

PM: See? You need a much larger data file.

ME: Yes, sir.

And you thought this only happened in Dilbert strips!

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:37 AM

Programmer and Engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:37 AM

Programmer Insanity Signs

1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.

3. You think the cleaning lady is singing in tune.

4. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

5. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

6. You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.

7. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).

8. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

9. You understand #8.

10. You write a list like this.

11. You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} U~ or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its repression man fight back!).

12. You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics.

13. You fail to understand what life would be like without caffeine.

14. You have a gif of your significant other and see it more than them.

15. You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look they're following me).

16. You think some comments on this list are funny.

18. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz.

19. You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game.

20. You know more programming commands than actual words.

21. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:38 AM

Programming Genesis

In the Beginning, the Project Manager created the Programming Staff
The Programming Staff was without form or structure
And the Project Manager said, "Let there be organization"
And there was Organization
And the Project Manager saw that the Organization was good
And the Project Manager separated the workers from the supervisors
And he called the supervisors "Management"
And he called the workers "Staff"

And the Project Manager said, "Let there be a mission in the midst
of the Organization...
And then he added "Let it separate the people one from the other"
And it was so...
Those who were to benefit from the system were placed far away
And those who were to build it were placed in boxes called "Cubicles"
And he called the former "End Users"
And he called the latter "Programmers"

And the Project Manager said, "Let one among the Programmers be chosen
to lead"
And there was turmoil, chaos, back-stabbing and arguments for forty
days and nights
Finally the Project Manager selected the most competent among them
And he called the man "Chief Programmer"
The other Programmers decried the selection saying, "What standards were
used?"
And the Project Manager smiled and said, "That is not for you to know."
And the morning and the afternoon of the first phase were past

And the Project Manager called the Chief Programmer before him
And he said, "Prepare for me a schedule so that I may look upon it"
And the Chief Programmer walked among his staff
And the Staff was divided into two sections...
One section was called "Analysts"
And the remainder, he called "Application Programmers"
And it came to pass that each Analyst brought his estimate to the Chief
Programmer
Whereupon the Chief Programmer collected them and combined them into a
"Flow Chart"
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the second phase were past

The Chief Programmer went unto the Project Manager & said, "It shall
take 10 months"
And the Project Manager was not pleased -- lightning flashed and thunder
roared
And the Project Manager said, "I have brought you up from the depths
of the Staff"
And the Project Manager arose and banged on his desk
And the Project Manager said, "And yet you do not see the BIG PICTURE"
The Chief Programmer was afraid and trembled and fled to his office
He hired many consultants and authorized much overtime
And he e-mailed the Project Manager with copies to the Brass above:
"Behold ! See all that I have done. The due date will be five months"
And the Chief Programmer said to his Staff, "Let the specifications be
written"
And the morning and the afternoon of the third phase were past

And there were meetings, and power lunches, and Happy Hours
And there were many faxes, and many e-mailings and many phone calls
And the specifications were written
And the Staff and the consultants were richly paid
The Chief Programmer read the Specs and saw that they were too ambitious
And he separated the mandatory features from the optional features
And he called the mandatory features "Requirements"
And he called the optional features "Deferred"
And the Users called him names from afar
And the morning and the afternoon of the fourth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Requirements be analyzed & the Files
designed"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the Software Houses bring forth their
salesmen"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let us have a Data Management System"
And it was so
The Software Houses brought forth all manner of salesmen with their
presentations
And each claimed wondrous things of their packages
Each according to his own system and file structure
And it came to pass that a Data Management System was selected
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the fifth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the System be divided into parts,
each part a Module"
And it was so
And he said, "Let many Teams be formed & let each be assigned a
Module to write"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer divided the many teams into many levels
There was a single "Lead Programmer"
And there were a few "Senior Programmers"
And there were a lot of "Junior Programmers"
And there were many who could only scribble and these he called "Coders"
He gave the greater dominion over the lesser
And the Chief Programmer saw it was good
And the Senior Programmers saw it was good
And the Junior Programmers grumbled amongst themselves
And the Coders were still trying to locate their cubicles in the confusion
The Chief Programmer said, "Let the programming begin"
And the meetings and the power lunches and the Happy Hours were as before
And the morning and the afternoon of the sixth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Much OT shall be consumed; there is but
2 months left"
And the Programmers, the greater & the lesser strove hard, as they
were much afraid
And they flowcharted, and they programmed, each in his own fashion
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the work and liked it not
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let there be a Standard"
And lo, there was a Standard
And the Programmers gazed upon the Standard and like it not
And there was much grumbling and sniping within the cubicles
And while there were meetings and lunches, the Happy Hours were no
longer happy
And the Lead Programmers began reading the on-line want ads
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the seventh
phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let there be 'Progress Reports' from all"
And there were progress reports
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the Progress Reports
And he saw the due date was not to be met
And he pointed his fingers and caused blame
He caused the blame to fall upon all manner of things
He cursed the hardware and the software
He denounced all manner of creatures his eyes fell upon
Then, the Chief Programmer arose a bought a new suit
He shaved his head and wiped ashes on his face and arms
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the eighth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer went before the Project Manager and groveled
And he pleaded for an extension of the due date
The Project Manager was exceedingly angry
He cast grave doubts on the ancestry of the Chief Programmer
He cast a multitude of threats to all of the Teams
But it came to pass that an extension was granted
And among the Teams, there was much rejoicing
And there was again "Happy" in the Happy Hours
And one by one, the modules were completed
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the ninth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Modules be integrated one with
the other"
Two by two, the Modules were integrated, one with another
And great difficulties were experienced
And many hours of overtime were used
And many gallons of coffee were consumed
And it came to pass that System testing was completed
And the morning & the afternoon & the evening & the night of the tenth
phase were past

The the Chief Programmer did go unto the Project Manager
The Chief Programmer said, "Behold ! I bring you glad tidings of
great joy"
And the Project Manager smiled for the first time in a long time
The Chief Programmer said, "For on this day The System is completed"
And suddenly there was with them a multitude of Users praising the
System
And the morning and the afternoon of the eleventh phase were past

And it came to pass that the Project Manager received a phone call
The speaker identified himself as a spokesman for the users
All he said was, "Could you make these few little changes ?"
And the Project Manager dropped the phone and wept...

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:38 AM

Programming the Hard Way

A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis.

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:39 AM

Proper Wages

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"

"Speaking," said the farmer.

thedrifter

05-21-04, 07:39 AM

The Protestant Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of any prayer that everyone knows.

AND IN CONCLUSION: A required statement midway through the sermon.

BAPTISTRY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the sermon.

CHOIR: 1. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to pantomime singing. 2. If the music is quality, the words cannot be understood. 3. If the words are quality, the music is lousy.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Protestant Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of the pastors, the choir, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song on Sunday AM, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

UNKNOWN TONGUES: Mother's pantomime instructions to her kids from the choir.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Phantom Blooper

05-21-04, 08:14 AM

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

Phantom Blooper

05-22-04, 09:18 AM

1. Sag, You're It.
2. Hide and Go Pee.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical Recliners
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE.....
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' name on them
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze

OLD IS WHEN.....
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard To Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow...

Phantom Blooper

05-22-04, 11:10 AM

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

Phantom Blooper

05-22-04, 02:44 PM

A truck driver was driving along on the highway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

Phantom Blooper

05-22-04, 02:48 PM

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised.

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-23-04, 07:00 AM

A little old man shuffled.........slooooowly...........into an ice cream
parlor, pulled himself ............... slooooooowly............and
painfully....... up onto a stool.
After catching his breath.......................... he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:04 AM

Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:04 AM

Proud of You

As one of the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:05 AM

Prove It!

Proof by example:
----------------
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains
most of the ideas of the general proof.

Proof by intimidation:
---------------------
"Trivial."

Proof by vigorous handwaving:
----------------------------
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

Proof by cumbersome notation:
----------------------------
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by exhaustion:
-------------------
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

Proof by omission:
-----------------
"The reader may easily supply the details"
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."

Proof by obfuscation:
--------------------
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically
related statements.

Proof by wishful citation:
-------------------------
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a
theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by funding:
----------------
How could three different government agencies be wrong?

Proof by eminent authority:
--------------------------
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."

Proof by personal communication:
-------------------------------
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete
[Karp, personal communication]."

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
---------------------------------------
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is
decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
---------------------------------------------
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found
in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological
Society, 1883.

Proof by importance:
-------------------
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the
proposition in question.

Proof by accumulated evidence:
-----------------------------
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

Proof by cosmology:
------------------
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless.
Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

Proof by mutual reference:
-------------------------
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in
reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in
reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in
reference A.

Proof by metaproof:
------------------
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness
of the method is proved by any of these techniques.

Proof by picture:
----------------
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with
proof by omission.

Proof by vehement assertion:
---------------------------
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.

Proof by ghost reference:
------------------------
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the
reference given.

Proof by forward reference:
--------------------------
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is
often not as forthcoming as at first.

Proof by semantic shift:
-----------------------
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for
the statement of the result.

Proof by appeal to intuition:
----------------------------
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:05 AM

Prunes

Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.

His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not."

But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator.

A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,"this will teach him a lesson."

Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:06 AM

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:06 AM

The Psychiatrist's Test

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:07 AM

Psychic Hotline

The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The callers would often reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong ... Oh!" (Click)

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:07 AM

Psychic Phenomena

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:08 AM

Psychology Course

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

thedrifter

05-23-04, 08:08 AM

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

Phantom Blooper

05-23-04, 12:49 PM

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had
black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society. "In fact,"
he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman nearby approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The
guy in the middle went home for lunch!!

Phantom Blooper

05-23-04, 03:48 PM

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves

:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 07:48 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life..
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word,he made contact, "Mary . Mary . "

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.

"Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred , you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson, Arizona."

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 07:58 AM

Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline.....

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you're paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you're delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you're holding on the side of your head is alive and it's about to burrow through your ear and eat your brain.
:banana: :)

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 10:22 PM

A guy from Boston was traveling through Mexico on
vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all
identification. Cutting his trip short, he
attempts to make his way home
but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the
agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies
the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
tattooed on one butt
cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in
front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.
"Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks !" he says. "But how did you know I was
from Boston ?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of
John Kerry in the middle."

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 10:24 PM

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 10:29 PM

"Top 10 Party Games For People Near 50 or Over 50"

10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-24-04, 10:35 PM

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?":banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-25-04, 07:12 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bruce the computer guy, to come over. Bruce clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-25-04, 07:35 AM

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted health food diet, I could have been here ten years ago!"

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:25 AM

Pulling Hair

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:26 AM

The Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:26 AM

Punctuality

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:27 AM

Punctuation

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:27 AM

Puppy Love

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:28 AM

Put a Lid on It!

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:28 AM

Quack!

My company had just purchased a computerized mail-delivery machine, which would run on a chemical "track," make stops at designated areas and then continue on its route. On its first day, it emerged from the vice-president's office with red and blue lights flashing.

But the thing was also making a strange noise. As it neared and then passed us, we saw why. The office prankster had attached a child's pull toy to the back of the machine. The noise we heard was the quack, quack, quack of a little yellow duck.

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:29 AM

Quality Pilots

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

thedrifter

05-25-04, 08:29 AM

Quarters Needed

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

yellowwing

05-25-04, 03:10 PM

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?) Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies. No Girl Scout cookies. No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ?

Osotogary

05-25-04, 03:24 PM

And no BBQ'd Elk ribs. LOL

Super Dave

05-25-04, 03:32 PM

Marines or Martyrs..Who Do You Think Will Get The Virgins??

Phantom Blooper

05-25-04, 10:10 PM

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a
circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. The old cowboy unzips his pants, whips out his member and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts into a long period of applause, whistles, and cheers.

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town and sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is
illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with the old cowboy after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well, says the Texan: "My eyes just ain't what they used to be!"

Phantom Blooper

05-26-04, 07:00 AM

This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to
buy some arsenic.

The pharmacist says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by
having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-26-04, 07:06 AM

A women walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing she asked? Hunting flies he responded. Oh, killing any she asked? Yep, 3 males and 2 females he replied. Intrigued, she asked, how can you tell? He responded, 3 were on beer cans and 2 were on the phone.
:banana:

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:26 AM

Questionaire

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:26 AM

Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:27 AM

The Rabbit's Thesis

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.

"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:28 AM

Rabbits

(Be warned, you are entering a pun zone!)

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:28 AM

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:28 AM

Radio Shack

Do those guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Radio Shack buying a printer cable adapter and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh ... just like it sounds," I said non-chalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me ... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:29 AM

The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:29 AM

Rattlesnakes

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:30 AM

Reading That?

The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City.

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:30 AM

Ready But Not Willing

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

thedrifter

05-26-04, 08:31 AM

Real Estate Ad Phrases (What They Really Mean)

CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.

Phantom Blooper

05-26-04, 10:55 PM

Dear Diary

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He is so charming.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved the lives of 1600
people... twice !

Phantom Blooper

05-26-04, 10:59 PM

A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled.

I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea. Finally, a old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said: "Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep, they're eating them!!"

Phantom Blooper

05-27-04, 06:03 AM

A blind man walked in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looked up, noticed the customer was blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looked away again. Later out of the corner of his eye, the manager saw the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager ran over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replied, "No thanks - I'm just looking around.":banana:

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:55 AM

Real Faith

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:55 AM

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 2

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:56 AM

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 3

* On a lawnmower:
"WARNING: WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING - THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

* Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."

* On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."

* On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
"For best results, start with a clean bathtub before use."

* On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."

* Found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"

* Warning on a curling iron:
"Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice."

* On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from
concentrate."

* On the label of a Sterno candle fuel:
"Do not use near fire or flame."

* Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

* On a baby stroller:
"Remove child before folding."

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:56 AM

The REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:57 AM

Real Pearls?

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.

The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:57 AM

Really Important Stuff (My Kids Have Taught Me)

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:58 AM

Reasons Why Dogs Do Not Use Computers!

10. to op OHQ05 rxd6TTO /6T Y#} P3E2Wq/g (It is too hard to type with paws)

9. Sit and stay were hard enough. Delete and save is out of the question!

8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he's been browsing.

5. Fire hydrant icon is frustrating.

4. Can't help attacking screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail".

3. Too messy to mark every website he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Cannot stick his head out of WINDOWS 98.

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:58 AM

A Recent Flight

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:59 AM

Recognize Me?

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-27-04, 07:59 AM

Rednecks and Computers

You Know the computer belongs to a Redneck if....

1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12.The monitor is up on blocks.
13.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
16.The six front keys have rotted out.
17.John Deer Pocket Protectors.

Phantom Blooper

05-27-04, 05:18 PM

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh)

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring-monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years.'

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing: for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

:banana:

Osotogary

05-27-04, 06:03 PM

A family was given some venison steaks.
The saturday's family barbeque was going according to plan and the deer steaks were cooking perfectly. Everyone was served when the youngest son asked ," Are we eating beef?". The father replied,"No." The youngest daughter then asked," Are we eating pork?." "No", relied the father. "What are we eating" asked the daughter? The Father replied, "We are eating what your mother calls me." The daughter is about to take a bite when the son yells," Don't take that bite. We are eating a$$hole!!"

Phantom Blooper

05-28-04, 06:31 AM

A six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable.":banana:

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:04 AM

Reference Questions

This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
thread that ran on LIBSUP-L, the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv
in July 1997. Names and locations have been deleted partly because
it was a lot easier to do it that way and partly to protect the
reputations of all concerned. All of these situations are real and
some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, Waltzing through Grand
Rapids." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a
desk who had a sign hanging above her head.
The sign said "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost
$39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
National Park Sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus,
King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important
stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm
having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me
back to jail for a couple of months."

===

Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"

===

Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot
to write down the author and title. It's big and red and I found it
on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in the
[non-existent] third sub-basement."

Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book the
first time?"

=====
In an art library:
Patron: Do you have any books on Art?
Ref: Yes. Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or
style in mind?
Patron: No.
Ref: I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and see
if you find anything.
Patron: OK.

=====

Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up:
"No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

=====

Telephone patron: Do you have books on leaves?
Library worker: Nope, we keep them on shelves.
(She then hung up. Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference duty?)

=====

Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. It's all blue with
swirly stars on it. Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
Ref: "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the bottom?
It does? Well, what you have there is a poster that they sell in the
gift shop. I think they're about $10.00."

=====

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:04 AM

Reflections of a Kiss

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them at the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:05 AM

Reforming Santa (2014 A.D.)

(Dec 19, 1996 01:54 a.m. EST) -- NEWS ITEM: Santa’s reindeer have been barred from the Christmas Pageant for Peace, Washington’s official holiday display. The National Park Service agreed to remove Dasher, Prancer & Co. following complaints from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — PETA — an animal-rights group. Associated Press, Dec. 13, 1996

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Hard to believe now, but it wasn’t until 1996 - just 18 years ago — that the rehabilitation of Santa Claus began in earnest. PETA’s effortless victory in excluding Santa’s reindeer from the national Christmas pageant that year encouraged other progressive organizations to mount challenges of their own.

The Ms. Foundation and the National Organization for Women were among the first to follow in PETA’s footsteps. Early in 1997, they issued a joint report blasting "the patriarchal hegemony that taints everything connected with Santa Claus." Newspapers and retailers were urged to drop the term "Father Christmas." Illustrators were pressured to break the glass ceiling that had kept Mrs. Claus suppressed for so long. Some Yuletide decorations for the first time portrayed Santa as female, and scenes of Santa’s North Pole workshop started depicting female elves in positions of authority.

The workshop itself soon came under attack. In a scathing "60 Minutes" expose, Santa’s operation was characterized as a sweatshop, with numerous violations of OSHA standards and elves forced to work double shifts. "Elves are people, too," fumed former Labor Secretary Robert Reich in a New York Times op-ed column, "Employers like Santa Claus make it clear why we must strengthen the Family and Medical Leave Act."

In June 1999 came Bill McKibben’s influential cover story in The Atlantic Monthly. "The Predator at the Pole" electrified environmental activists, who launched a global campaign to end Santa’s despoliation of the northern Arctic wilderness. At its national convention the following year, the Sierra Club pronounced Santa Claus "Environmental Enemy No. 1." President Al Gore — who had assumed office after the impeachment of Bill Clinton — delivered the keynote address, vowing a federal crusade to "put a halt to Santa’s ecological crimes now and forever."

Few pundits paid attention when Louis Farrakhan ranted to the 900 attendees at the Sixth Annual Million Man March that Santa Claus was a "relic of white supremacy." But once NAACP President Kweisi Mfume released statistics showing that blacks and Hispanics were 47 percent less likely than whites to live in homes with chimneys, Santa’s racism became apparent. In November 2001, the National Education Association adopted a resolution condemning Santa Claus as "Eurocentric and closed-minded" and disapproving his "obsession with rigid value judgments like 'naughty' and 'nice'." Before long, all references to Santa were excised from public school curricula. Today, of course, children venerate a far more inclusive and multicultural figure: Frosty the Person of Snow.

Meanwhile, municipal officials in Madison, Wisconsin, and Oakland, Calififornia, had sued Santa Claus in the first of what would become a wave of noise-pollution lawsuits. The increasingly unpopular holiday icon was charged with violating sound-abatement ordinances during his Christmas Eve toy deliveries. Santa denied the charges, but the evidence given by homeowners was overwhelmingly against him. As one witness, Clement Moore, put it: "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

By muzzling his reindeer and muffling his sleigh, Santa was able to continue his nocturnal Dec. 24 rounds for a few more seasons. But he was welcomed in fewer and fewer places. Domestic-violence activists accused him of being a stalker. In several communities, restraining orders were issued. "Maybe Santa hasn’t hurt anybody yet," said one leading women's advocate, Stacy Kabat, in a CNN interview with Larry King. "But he’s obviously a menace. He snoops around homes at night, he keeps dossiers on people's behavior, he warns that they 'better watch out' because he’s 'coming to town.' The guy is dangerous. He needs therapy."

By 2005, "BEWARE" posters with Santa’s photograph were a common sight in US malls every December. Needless to say, the Santa shown in the poster had changed markedly since 1996. For one thing, his suits were no longer trimmed with fur. After demonstrators led by model Christy Turlington hurled red paint at him during an appearance at Radio City Music Hall, Santa switched to an all-synthetics wardrobe.

Nor was Santa seen anymore with a pipe in his mouth, puffing second-hand smoke as in days of old: The Food and Drug Administration had seen to that. He was no longer fat, either. When the Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a blistering report on Santa's eating habits, it marked the end of his Christmas Eve snacks. The milk and cookies disappeared.

But the biggest change of all was in Santa’s expression. In olden times, he always had a jolly laugh; his eyes were always twinkling. Today, Santa is enlightened, sensitive, and politically correct. But for some strange reason, he never smiles.

(Jeff Jacoby is a columnist for the Boston Globe. His e-mail address is jacoby@nws.globe.com).

JEFF JACOBY: Reforming Santa

Copyright © 1996 Nando.net
Copyright © 1996 The Boston Globe

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:06 AM

Refrigerator

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."

"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:06 AM

Reincarnation

In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."

"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.

"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:06 AM

Reindeer For Sale

FOR SALE

Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.

Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:07 AM

Relaxation Technique

Feeling Stressed Out?

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.

Why lookie there... what a pleasant surprise... It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now... feeling better?

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:07 AM

Religions R'Us

Comparison of Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.

thedrifter

05-28-04, 08:08 AM

Report Card Time

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said.......
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't get better grades.......
somebody is going to get a spanking........."

Phantom Blooper

05-28-04, 04:09 PM

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"
:banana:

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:35 AM

Resumania

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

** "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

** "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

** "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

** "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

** "I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

** "I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

** "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

** "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

** "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

** "Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

** "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

** "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

** "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:36 AM

Job Resumes

[These are real examples from real resumes]

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try
stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts
that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:36 AM

Resignation as an Adult

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult:

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So, here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause "Tag! You're it!"

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:37 AM

Remote Shopping

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:38 AM

Useful Research Phrases

"It has long been known" . . .
[I didn't look up the original reference.]

"A definite trend is evident" . . .
[These data are practically meaningless.]

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . .
[Interesting to me.]

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers
to these questions" . . .
[An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.]

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . .
[The results of the others didn't make any sense.]

"Typical results are shown" . . .
[The best results are shown.]

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . .
[I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.]

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . .
[He was my graduate assistant.]

"It is believed that" . . .
[I think]

"It is generally believed that" . . .
[A couple of other guys think so, too.]

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before
a complete understanding occurs" . . .
[I don't understand it.]

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . .
[Wrong]

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further
investigations in this field" . . .
[This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on
this miserable topic.]

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the
experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . .
[Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.]

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . .
[Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over
a glass of beer.]

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:38 AM

Retired Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark .............................. $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark ... $49,999

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:38 AM

The Reverend's Wife

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:39 AM

Reversal of Fortune

Dearest John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,
Linda

XXXOOOXXX

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

thedrifter

05-29-04, 07:39 AM

Reward for Going to Temple

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"

Ed Palmer

05-29-04, 09:23 AM

The Hobo

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner,s wife answered, the hobo asked, "Please, Miss, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days.
She said she needed some firewood cut as its getting awful cold out. So he cuts wood for about an hour and knocks on the door again and say,s my hands are almost frozen could I come in to warm them? She says here place them between my leg,s & that will get them warm, So he goes back to cutting wood for a while and again his hands get cold, He goes to the door again and tells her his hands are cold again and could he warm them up? She looks at him and ask,s dont your ears ever get cold?

WillManning

05-29-04, 04:44 PM

A US Navy Captain died and went(hard to believe)but anyway he went to Heaven. Saint Peter said you will have to wait just a minute Captain till your orders come through as to where we will place you. Well the Captain not wanting to waste anytime asked St. Peter, "is there any Marines here? Peter said, "well actually Captain, No there has never been a marine arrive here yet".
"Well that is great", said the Navy Captain. "Why do you ask", said Peter.

Well the Captain explained that he had been a Captain on several ships that hauled Marines all over the world. He said I just don't care for them Peter and would maybe have put in for a transfer if there was too many here. Glad to hear that there are none, this should be some good duty.

Pretty soon the Captains living quarters were assigned and he set off down the road with his map heading to his billet. Much to his alarm as he walked along the road he could here what sounded like a DI calling cadence to a bunch of Marines. Oh, NO he thought as he ran up the hill to look over to see what he could see. Sure enough there was a big Drill sargent standing up on a huge podium and he was marching several legions of angels. He had them doing all the right stuff, to the rear, right oblique, left flank right flank. Well the Captain was just really overcome with what he had just seen. He quickly retreated from his hill top viewing point and raced back to talk to Saint Peter.

He said quite winded, "Hey Pete, what gives, you said no Marines and I just saw a DI marching thousands of angels".

Peter told the Captain to calm down, he said
"relax, Captain, there are no marines here". Captain said "I just saw one with my own eyes Pete". Peter then said, Captain, that was not a Marine, that was God, he has always wanted to be a Marine.

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:17 AM

R.H.I.P.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:18 AM

Rhode's Law

When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:18 AM

A Riddle

Three people are on a boat on the ocean. They have a pack of cigarettes and want to smoke, but they have no matches or lighter or magnifying glass or even two sticks they could rub together. But they still manage to smoke. How do they do it?

Page down for the answer, but don't look for anything logical here!

And be prepared to groan!

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They opened the pack of cigarettes, threw one cigarette overboard, and that made the boat a cigarette lighter.

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:19 AM

A Riddle 2

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

(Scroll down for the answer)
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The third room is the safest. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

(You didn't groan too much, did you?)

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:20 AM

Riders

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:20 AM

Riding a Horse

Son: Gee,Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse's neck!"

Father: That's nothing, son. I did all that, and more, the first time I ever rode a horse!

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:20 AM

Riding Tricks

Son: "Gee, Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse's neck!"

Father: "That's nothing, son. I did all that, and more, the first time I ever rode a horse!"

(Me, too.)

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:21 AM

The Right Card

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:21 AM

Right Hand Over Your Heart

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.

As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance... to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

thedrifter

05-30-04, 11:22 AM

Righteous Life

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.

"Teeth will be provided!"

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:19 AM

Ring-A-Ding

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:19 AM

Road Closed

They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:
ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:

TOLD YOU SO!

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:20 AM

Robbery Lesson

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:20 AM

Romantic Dinner

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:21 AM

Rookie Landing

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:21 AM

Rough Landing?

A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.

"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:21 AM

Round n' Round

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place . . .

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:22 AM

Rudolph the Red

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring Russia. Their guide argued all the time. As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband said, "Look, it's snowing out."

The guide disagreed, "No, sir, it's raining out."

"I still think it's snowing," said Mr. Smith.

But his wife replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:22 AM

Rudolph's Surgery (a groaner!)

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.

Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.

However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:23 AM

The Ruler

(A true account)

Long before the term "attitude adjustment" came into being, I recall mom’s special ruler hanging from a nail in the kitchen next to the fly swatter. When I was bad, I got spanked; when I was *really* bad, my bottom would make sudden contact with the smooth-sanded tool.

Somewhere between Seattle and Tokyo, while crossing the Pacific in an ocean liner, I found mom’s ruler hiding inside our stateroom’s desk drawer.

Oh, what a discovery! Only four years old and I had already grasped the "IF-THEN" axiom concept: [IF] I was bad, [THEN] I got my bare buttocks smacked by that ruler.

Fortunately, there was a private laundry chute built right into the stateroom compartment wall, where passengers conveniently deposited their dirty laundry as well as other occasional items. What a shock it was when our fresh laundry was returned a day later with the uncommonly clean ruler sitting on the top of the pile.

"You lose something, Mrs. Lee?" asked the room steward, grinning.

"Not at all," replied mom, eyeing me in the way mothers sometimes do. "I just temporarily misplaced it."

(I SHOULD HAVE THROWN IT OVERBOARD.)

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:23 AM

Rules for Being Human

1) You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period
this time around.

2) You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in
this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like
the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed"
experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
ultimately "works".

4) A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have
learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next
lesson.

5) Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are
alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another
"there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7) Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it
reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8) What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is
up to you. The choice is yours.

9) Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is
look, listen, and trust.

10) You will forget all this.

thedrifter

06-02-04, 06:24 AM

Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

VII. GUESTS: Check human house guests carefully to detect who might have an allergy, the more allergic the house guest, the closer you should stay. This will shorten the stay of the allergic human house guest and your owner can spend time with you as they should have been doing in the first place. If the human house guest has brought a guest-pet, be as rude as possible, hissing at an audible volume. This will let the guest-pet know s/he has been noticed and is unappreciated.

VIII. SINGING: Always schedule your performances between 2 and 3 AM so as to have the full attention of everyone in the household.

IX. GUILT. Cats have no guilt. Owners have guilt. Jewish owners have cornered the market on guilt but they sometimes will share. Guilt in owners equals treats for kitty. Guilt can be invoked in many ways such as giving your owner a pathetic look when s/he returns from work related travel or after your owner has shouted at you for having practiced an exercise in hampering.

X. FUR. Carefully examine and take note of the color of your coat. Your goal is to find contrast between your fur and a human's wardrobe. Black is especially good as all cat hair goes well with black. If your human is wearing tweed, don't bother. If you have dark fur, frolic on the light carpet and furniture, and vice versa. This rule also applies to hairballs, always deposit a hairball where it will leave a lasting impression. Never leave a hairball on a surface such as tile where it can be easily cleaned away.

Phantom Blooper

06-02-04, 06:52 AM

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

yellowwing

06-02-04, 10:19 AM

A NY Health Inspector popped into a pizzaria. He was appalled to see a big hairy cook rolling pizza dough on his chest.

"That is totally disgusting. You can't roll pizza dough on your chest!"

The dish washer spoke up and said, "You think that's digusting. You should have seen him this morning poking holes in the doughnuts!"

Ed Palmer

06-03-04, 08:25 AM

A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar. A tiny gay fellow sits beside him. After a few beers, the gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.

The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?”

“Dunno. Something about a job.”

Ed Palmer

06-03-04, 08:31 AM

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

thedrifter

06-03-04, 08:57 AM

Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

thedrifter

06-03-04, 08:57 AM

Rules for Teachers (circa 1915)

1. You will not marry during the term for your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m.
unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have
the permission of the chairman of the (school) board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man
unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must be not be any shorter than two inches
above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the
floor at least once daily, scrub the floor at least once a
week with hot, soapy water, clean the blackboards at least
once a day, and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will
be warm by 8 a.m.

thedrifter

06-03-04, 08:58 AM

Rules of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

thedrifter

06-03-04, 08:58 AM

Rules for Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.

thedrifter

06-03-04, 08:59 AM

Rushed to the Hospital

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

thedrifter

06-03-04, 09:00 AM

Saber-Tooth Tigers

ENVIRONMENTALISTS PLAN TO REINTRODUCE
SABER-TOOTH TIGERS INTO MONTANA WILDERNESS

HELENA - The environmental group known as "Atonement" today announced that they have successfully cloned the DNA of several Saber-Tooth Tigers and plan to release the ancient predator back into its natural habitat. When BNN asked Atonement spokesman Heathcliff Prey why they would do such a thing, Prey answered , "It is human interference that lead to the extinction of the Saber-Tooth Tiger nearly 10,000 years ago. Therefore, it is our responsibility to correct this sin against Mother Earth by using cloning technology to bring extinct animals back to life and reintroduce them into the lands that were once theirs."

Outraged by today's announcement, Montana ranchers have threatened to kill any Saber-Tooth Tigers that wander onto their property. The Federal Government, however, is already warning the ranchers that Saber-Tooth Tigers are protected under the Endangered Species Act. This prompted one rancher to ask, "How can the Saber-Tooth Tiger be an endangered species? They've been gone for 10,000 years!"

No one knows what impact the Saber-Tooths will have on the Montana Eco-System, but naturalists around the world are excited by the possibility of studying Saber-Tooths in the wild.

When asked what Atonement was planning for an encore, Prey said, "We are trying to prove that humans were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. As soon as we do, we plan to reintroduce the T-Rex back into its natural habitats."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BNN Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true!

thedrifter

06-03-04, 09:00 AM

Sage Advice from Children

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom
told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

thedrifter

06-03-04, 09:01 AM

Sales Demonstration

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

thedrifter

06-03-04, 09:01 AM

Sal the Pilot

Sal, a pilot for a major airline, carries his running clothes in a backpack, freeing his hands for his luggage. On one trip, he told me, he noticed passers-by grinning at him in the terminal. Sal smiled back. Maybe some of them were on my last flight, he thought.

His ego was brimming until he got to the cockpit and stowed his bags. That's when he saw the "Parachute" sign his co-workers had stuck to his backpack.

thedrifter

06-03-04, 09:02 AM

Is There a Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990),
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) NO KNOWN SPECIES OF REINDEER CAN FLY.
BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule
out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) THERE ARE 2 BILLION CHILDREN (persons under 18) IN THE WORLD.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish &
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.

One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) SANTA HAS 31 HOURS OF CHRISTMAS TO WORK WITH.
This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits/second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes
of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78
miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to
do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc.

So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second.

A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

4) THE PAYLOAD ON THE SLEIGH ADDS ANOTHER INTERESTING ELEMENT.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull
no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could
pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9
reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload

- not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four
times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 TONS TRAVELING AT 650 MILES/SECOND CREATES ENORMOUS AIR
RESISTANCE.
This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft
reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will
burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team
will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be
subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A
250-lb. Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his
sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force.

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Phantom Blooper

06-03-04, 10:23 PM

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power a couple of years ago last January.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military deteriorated under Clinton.
Every last one of them missed
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

06-04-04, 07:18 AM

Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter? A. I better not tell you, it might spread.:banana:

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:47 AM

Santa Claus is a Woman?

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...

* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:48 AM

Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa's a guy alright!

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:48 AM

Santa Claus is a Woman? (Another Possibility)

I recently posted "Santa Claus is a Woman?" along with the rebuttal claiming that Santa must be a man. Now it appears that there is a third possibility.

Santa is an ALIEN.

Consider:

1. It knows when you are sleeping or awake.

2. It has technology unknown to this world, for example: It is able to keep 9 half-ton animals in the air without using wings, rocket power, etc.

3. It is the leader of a cult of small green men & women.

4. It can squeeze through a sooty chimney, half its size, without getting stuck or dirty.

5. It is a cyborg, man. Open your eyes!

6. It could be a Founder from the Gamma Quadrant (Star Trek DS9). You know how easily they can infiltrate our society three hundred years from now. It has to be an inside job.

(Where are Scully and Mulder when you need them?)

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:48 AM

Santa's Flight Check

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:49 AM

Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:49 AM

Santa's Official Miltary Visit

To: All Personal
From: Christopher K. Ringle, OIC, Special Services
Subject: Operation Order 12-98: Officlal Visit of Major General Claus

1. An official visit by Major General Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this facility 25 December 1998. The following directives will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1998. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from CIP prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items.

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. These items will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1998, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. In coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by MG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Dancer, etc."

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies prior to 23 December. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:50 AM

Santa's Reindeer

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to be a female.

We should have known this when they were able to find their way.

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:50 AM

Saving Us From Ourselves

Earlier this year, Vermont ran a trade-in program. "Bring us your old, your poor, your outmoded mercury laden thermometers," the state advertised, "and we will give you FREE digital thermometer in exchange." The state was worried that someone would drop a mercury unit and poison the environment or bite the end off one and be poisoned personally.

I want it noted for the record that I had never broken a mercury thermometer until I dropped ours on the way to the pharmacy to exchange it. We now have a brand new digital fever thermometer with a lifetime guarantee (what, they're going to give me my money back?), a soft and flexible tip for added comfort, a built-in beeper, and a fast, easy to read display. The package also included the following label:

This digital fever thermometer contains a
replaceable button battery which should last
for many years. Button batteries contain a
very small amount of mercury ...

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:51 AM

Sayings 1

"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:51 AM

Sayings 2

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT - Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of limit is that? The Earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More Earth. The Earth is the limit.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH - What about when you eat at home? I don't pay when I eat lunch at home - it's free! Sometimes I leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, The Food is Not the Lunch.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO - Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that it only takes one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.

thedrifter

06-04-04, 07:52 AM

Say It With Flowers

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Phantom Blooper

06-05-04, 07:56 AM

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

At the end of his rope, the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:04 AM

Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:04 AM

The Scale

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:04 AM

Scales Don't Lie

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:05 AM

Scented Candles for Men

It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated by a woman
without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre
scented candle. Everything from 'Boysenberry Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice
Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache!

Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find a
few scents men would appreciate.

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN

'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetylene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Sale Barn
Silage
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Baseball Cap
Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves
Alfalfa
Firecrackers
Latex Paint

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:05 AM

School of Agriculture

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:05 AM

School Answering Machine

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2.

To complain about what we do, Press 3.

To verbally abuse our staff members, Press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.

To complain about school lunches, Press 0.

If you realize that this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!!

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:06 AM

School Counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:06 AM

School Daze

Our business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill customers. He asked, "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"

One student piped up, "Tuition!"

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:07 AM

School Days

Tommy had reached school age. His Mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for ?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What, again ?" he asked.

thedrifter

06-05-04, 08:07 AM

School Daze.....

It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting. He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless. Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.

An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, "Whose?"

yellowwing

06-05-04, 08:21 AM

Apparently true notes left for UK milkmen

Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and I did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Phantom Blooper

06-05-04, 11:52 AM

THE HILLARY STAMP:

The U. S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as First Lady of our nation.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After
months of testing, a special presidential commission made the following
findings:

1. The stamp was in perfect order.

2. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3. People were spitting on the wrong side.

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

06-05-04, 11:59 AM

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after ! you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

:banana:

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:23 AM

School Excuses

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to
teachers in the public school system by parents of students:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan.
28,29,30,31,32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell
off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There
must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:23 AM

School Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher ... she's dead."

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:24 AM

School Punishment

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:24 AM

School Question

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:24 AM

School Theater

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:25 AM

Science and Logic

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not! How can one argue with such logic?"

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:25 AM

Screenwriter

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:25 AM

Scrimping and Saving

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:26 AM

Sea Monsters

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:26 AM

Seasick

John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," John said.

thedrifter

06-06-04, 08:27 AM

Seaside Hotel

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.

"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Phantom Blooper

06-06-04, 06:04 PM

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

:bunny: :banana:

Phantom Blooper

06-06-04, 06:08 PM

An elderly Jewish woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?",he asked

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

.

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:43 AM

Second Grade Advice

Second-grader's advice to his kindergarten brother:

"They work on you until they get you to spell 'cat.' Then you're trapped. The words get harder and harder."

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:43 AM

Second Grade Math

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:43 AM

Second Opinion

A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and x-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.

The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."

The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."

"Okay," the doctor answers, "you are ugly, too!"

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:44 AM

A Second Opinion

Management of a large computer services company gives the new field services manager his marching orders: Cut costs, cut costs and, on top of that, cut costs.

So when the field technician gets to a customer site to fix an old, large line printer, he knows there's going to be a problem.

"The printer was covered under our maintenance contract," the tech says. "A co-worker and I determined the problem was with a very expensive part."

He sends the diagnosis back to his new manager with the request for the expensive new part.

"That part is too expensive," says manager. "Go back and find something else wrong with the printer."

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:44 AM

A Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:44 AM

Secret Formula

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:45 AM

The Secret Language of Women

(Men should probably commit this to memory...)

Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:45 AM

Security Code?

No, I didn't make this up. I recently purchased a digitally-controlled bass preamp. It's a good unit. But I cracked up uncontrollably upon reading in the manual about the security code feature. Perhaps this was a version 1.1 solution to a version 1.0 problem.

The MB-1's SECURITY CODE feature enables you to lock out the front
panel functions. The MB-1 is shipped from the factory with the
SECURITY CODE OFF. To set your personal security code and lock the
front panel:

1. Press the STORE button. It will light.
2. Press the BANK button and while holding the BANK button down
press the number 3 button.
3. The display will read SEt CodE _ _ _ _.
4. Enter a four digit number which you will easily remember.
5. Press the STORE button. Your MB-1 is now in lock-out mode and
your personal security code must be entered upon prompt to
unlock the MB-1 and permit any front panel operations.

NOTE: In the event that you forget your personal security code, you may
unlock the MB-1 by entering the default security code. The default
security code is: 2001.

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:46 AM

Security Exit

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers.

Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:46 AM

Security Questions

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He paused for a second, looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

thedrifter

06-07-04, 08:47 AM

Selling Shoes

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

Phantom Blooper

06-07-04, 01:23 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mommy pushed and
pushed, and after a little while Conner was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner
began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
there first place; smack his a** again!"

:banana:

horselady

06-07-04, 08:52 PM

I hope this hasn't already been posted but 200+ pages was too much to look at, so I'll take a chance.

PARROT EPIPHANY

The local convent was famous for its two resident male penguins,
whom the sisters had taught to recite the rosaries. So proficient had they become, the sounds of rosary beads and parrots in prayer can frequently be heard by worshippers during Sunday Mass. In fact, rumor has it, these parrots are the reason the pews in this church are always full to overflowing with new Òbelievers.Ó

One day, the priest, Father OÕMalley, comes in carrying another parrot, a female, that the local police had rescued, the last remaining resident of a brothel they were about to shut down. He soon realized that this parrot had rather limited language skills -only one phrase which she repeated several times a day: ÒMy name is Susie, are you looking for a good time?Ó

The priest and the nuns confer and decide to put the three parrots together in the same cage, thinking that she would quickly learn how to pray by watching the males do the rosary everyday.

So they put her in the cage and left them alone to get acquainted. As the males eye her cautiously, she greets them with the usual, ÒMy name is Susie, are you looking for a good time?Ó

The one male turns to the other and says, ÒLose the g*ddamn beads, Charlie, our prayers have been answered!Ó

Phantom Blooper

06-07-04, 09:27 PM

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it''s certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place
is filling up fast, and we''ve been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.

Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn''t
too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God''s first name?"

Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had
a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin
with the letter ''T?" Shucks, that one''s easy. That''d be Today and
Tomorrow."

The Saint''s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest, that''s not what
I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn''t
specify, so I''ll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a
year?"

"Twelve." Said Forest

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forest, how in
Heaven''s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there''s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you''re going with
this, and I see your point, though that wasn''t quite what I had in
mind.....but I''ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let''s go
on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God''s first
name"?

"Sure" Forest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt
it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forest, run".

Phantom Blooper

06-07-04, 09:28 PM

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
:banana:

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:15 AM

Senate Bill

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:16 AM

Sending an SOS

My friend, Tony, was driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, when he had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

Tony answered, "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

Again Tony answered, "I-75, two miles south of Standish."

There was a longer pause ...
Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:16 AM

The Senior Citizen's Alphabet

A's for arthritis

B's for bad back

C's for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches

J is for joints that are failing to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees

(I've got a few gaps in my M - memory)

N's for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-

P for porosis

Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?

R is for reflux--one meal becomes two

S is for sleepless nights counting my fears

T for tinnitus--bells in my ears

U is for difficulties urinary

V is for vertigo

W is worry

About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But though the word terminal rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each

Y - year - goes by, to reveal a reservoir of undiminished

Z - zeal---For checking the symptoms my body deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:17 AM

The Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation:

"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:17 AM

The Sermon

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:17 AM

Senility Prayer

For those of us who are getting a little older:

God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:18 AM

I'm a Senior Citizen

* I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 PM.

* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

* I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.

* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

* I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

* I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........

* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

* I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.

* I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

* I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now If I could only remember who sent this to me! You didn't, did you?

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:18 AM

Senior CPA

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.

One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:19 AM

Sense of Humor

My girlfriend wanted me to meet her folks, to which I hesitantly agreed. "My mother has a great sense of humor," I was told. "You'll get along just fine."

We met her parents at a local restaurant, and right away her mom launched into a string of jokes. I began telling anecdotes, and soon all four of us were laughing hysterically.

After several minutes passed, my girlfriend noticed that there was no one seated in our area. "Maybe we're being too loud," she said.

"Nonsense," I said, "the waitress is probably asking customers if they'd like to be seated in 'Joking' or 'Non-joking'!!"

thedrifter

06-08-04, 08:19 AM

The Sergeant

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

06-09-04, 07:35 AM

Sermons of the Boring Variety

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.

The preacher was true to his word, never looking through his wife's dresser drawers, and the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons. Their marriage progressed smoothly.

After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.

That evening, as they were putting their anniversary gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.

"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"

The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered, "Yes."

"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."

The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"

His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."