Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

A Prayer




Dear God,

So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.

Amen

[thedrifter]

Prayers Before Eating




The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," Little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

[thedrifter]

Position To Pray


Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

[thedrifter]

The Preacher's Sermon


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

[thedrifter]

Pre-Flight Announcement




A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!"

[thedrifter]

Pregnancy Dictionary




afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

first trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

pregnant pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

prenatal--when your life was still your own.

pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

second trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

third trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

[thedrifter]

Pregnancy Questions and Answers


Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

[thedrifter]

Preparation for Parenthood


Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!

9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

[thedrifter]

Prescription




Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

[thedrifter]

The President and the Puppies

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democratic puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are. The man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democratic puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were, today they have their eyes open!"


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LATER . . .

President Clinton decides to buy one of the puppies as a present for Hillary. He sneaks the puppy under his coat into the White House and he's walking down one of the halls when he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton can't hold back and shares his surprise with the Vice President.

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

[thedrifter]

If the President Were a Dog ...


WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG
(Broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman)

10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President,"
reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public Enemy # 1 -- Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking
x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate

[thedrifter]

Presidential Accident




One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the President.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you don't need a wheelchair!"

"No, but I will when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

[thedrifter]

Presidential Tragedy

President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of children about tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl.

The girl said, "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."

A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great loss."

Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand. He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy."

Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy. Can you explain why?"

The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.
"With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Family Honor

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and
let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you,
you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to
try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him
do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do
that. It will disgrace the family.

" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she
had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried to get on top of me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Funny Quips


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Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.


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When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.


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The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.


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How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"


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Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.


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My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.


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It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.


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During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.


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Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.


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My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.


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Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!


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The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.


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Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?


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Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.


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Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.


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If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.


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The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!


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I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.


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An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.

[thedrifter]

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

you can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.

[thedrifter]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[thedrifter]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[thedrifter]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[thedrifter]

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're ****ed, Superman."

[thedrifter]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[thedrifter]

Pretzels


A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

[thedrifter]

The Price of Fabric


Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[thedrifter]

The Priest's Collar




A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told the child that he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid.

So the priest took the collar tab out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

[thedrifter]

Priest and Nun


A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.

[thedrifter]

Priest and Rabbi




A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[thedrifter]

Primitive Self-Expression


In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

[thedrifter]

Printer Paper




I recently purchased some Hewlett Packard paper for my laser printer. On the back of the package I saw a list describing the many uses for the multipurpose paper.


"HP Multipurpose Paper is great for multiple original copies,
memos, projects, reports, faxes, E-mail, invoices and other
office printing needs."

E-mail? And to think I've been sending E-mail for years without the proper paper.

[thedrifter]

Printer Repair




When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[thedrifter]

Prison Life vs Full-Time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

[thedrifter]

Problem in New York


Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...


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[thedrifter]

The Procrastinator's Creed


1) I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2) I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work
or find excuses.
3) I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4) I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5) I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6) I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7) I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8) If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9) I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
10) I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11) I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the
work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12) I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13) I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
about forever.
14) I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-
Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever
get it organized.

[thedrifter]

The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest:

1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,'
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'"

4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going
on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and
never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.''

[thedrifter]

This sensational game, unlike some other television drinking games, is guaranteed to get you absolutely and completely **** faced drunk in under an hour. So gather your friends around the TV, because its time to finally get up to date with work events and get ****ing plastered at the same time, its CNN drinking game time!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CNN DRINKING GAME INSTRUCTIONS

Number of Players
2 to 10 (having more than 10 really puts a strain on the local ambulance supply)

What Is Needed
1 pair of dice; lots of beer; lots of booze; 1 king can of beer or booze.

How to Play
Tune into CNN. Each time you hear or see one of the keywords listed below, drink the corresponding amount and type of alcohol. The first one convulsing on the floor with twitching legs and flailing arms, wins!

Using the Keywords Table
The "If you hear..." column means any time you hear an announcer, news person, an interviewer or interviewee saying the keyword. "If you read..." mean any time you see on that annoying ticker at the bottom the keyword.

Qualifying Beverages
Booze refers to gin, vodka, Bacardi, bourbon, rum, no pansy coolers or ciders. Beer refers to real beer that is 4.5% or above. Skull is defined as to complete a full standard sized container or glass of beer. Sip is defined as the typical amount you would drink each time you are usually taking a hit of beer, "nursing it" sips are not permitted.

Disqualification
Players who dribble beer out the sides of their pie holes when skulling are disqualified. Any attempts to water down or lessen the alcoholic content of a shot or beer is deemed pathetic and that player is disqualified.

Bonus Play
If you hear any three or more of the keywords in a single sentence (example "Members of the Iraq terrorist regime have assembled weapons of mass destruction aimed at Jackson.") all players must role pair of dice once; player with highest number must skull king can of beer or booze.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you hear.. You Drink... If you read... You Drink...
"weapons of mass destruction" Skull Beer "weapons of mass destruction" 1 Shot Booze
"terrorist" Skull Beer "terrorist" 1 Shot Booze
"regime" Skull Beer "regime" 1 Shot Booze
"Iraq" Skull Beer "Iraq" 1 Shot Booze
"Jackson" 1 Sip of Beer "Jackson" 1 Sip or Beer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This game is ONLY in fun, and is only trying to point out HOW MANY BLOODY TIMES we hear the same words OVER and OVER and OVER again, day after day after day on CNN. It is NOT intended to make light of any of the situations surrounding what the news its self.

[thedrifter]

Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

[thedrifter]

Store employees put up with a lot of ****. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs...

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY ****ed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the ****ing line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief...maybe I can make a ****ing phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your ****ing dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, ****, cockroaches, ants.... And yes, you do have to put your nasty **** on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then ***** to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't...*******!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop.....WELL IT AIN'T A ****ING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet **** all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me... Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the **** are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same ******* menu for 25 years. Get the ****ing quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the ****ing line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of ****.

We're closed dumb ****, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of ****ing America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your ****ing mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you moron, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well **** off to another supermarket. I don't give a ****.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

[thedrifter]

Brunette Jokes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

[Phantom Blooper]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is
at work. Unbeknownst to her, 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Herhusband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

[Phantom Blooper]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Wyoming, orders three mugs of Bud and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.


The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."



The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Wyoming. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."



The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking..

[Phantom Blooper]

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Prodigal Son Returns


We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said ......"

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

[thedrifter]

What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)


You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)

If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)

The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)

You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)

In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)

Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
(Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.)

Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)

We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.)

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. If will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night to prepare a lecture.)

Any questions?
(I'm ready to let you go.)

The implications of this study are clear.
(I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.)

The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice.
(The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C+.)

The test scores were a little below my expectations.
(Where was the party last night?)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone flunked.)

Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
(Has anyone opened the book yet?)

According to my sources...
(According to the guy who taught this class last year...)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

[thedrifter]

What the Professor Says
(What the Professor Really Means)
Part 2


This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)

My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.)

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)

[thedrifter]

Project Managers


This really happened today.

Scene: Project meeting, conducted by telephone.

Project Manager: How large is the user file?

Me: Right now it's about 4K, but it will grow as you add users.

PM: How much can you fit in 4K?

ME (trying to make it easy): About 4,000 characters.

PM: No, no, son! I mean how many lower case characters can you fit?

ME (puzzled): About 4,000?

PM: And how many upper case characters?

ME (unable to resist): You can fit about 4,000 lower case characters or 1 upper case character.

PM: See? You need a much larger data file.

ME: Yes, sir.

And you thought this only happened in Dilbert strips!

[thedrifter]

Programmer and Engineer


A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Programmer Insanity Signs


1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.

3. You think the cleaning lady is singing in tune.

4. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

5. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

6. You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.

7. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).

8. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

9. You understand #8.

10. You write a list like this.

11. You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} U~ or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its repression man fight back!).

12. You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics.

13. You fail to understand what life would be like without caffeine.

14. You have a gif of your significant other and see it more than them.

15. You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look they're following me).

16. You think some comments on this list are funny.

18. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz.

19. You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game.

20. You know more programming commands than actual words.

21. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

[thedrifter]

Programming Genesis


In the Beginning, the Project Manager created the Programming Staff
The Programming Staff was without form or structure
And the Project Manager said, "Let there be organization"
And there was Organization
And the Project Manager saw that the Organization was good
And the Project Manager separated the workers from the supervisors
And he called the supervisors "Management"
And he called the workers "Staff"

And the Project Manager said, "Let there be a mission in the midst
of the Organization...
And then he added "Let it separate the people one from the other"
And it was so...
Those who were to benefit from the system were placed far away
And those who were to build it were placed in boxes called "Cubicles"
And he called the former "End Users"
And he called the latter "Programmers"

And the Project Manager said, "Let one among the Programmers be chosen
to lead"
And there was turmoil, chaos, back-stabbing and arguments for forty
days and nights
Finally the Project Manager selected the most competent among them
And he called the man "Chief Programmer"
The other Programmers decried the selection saying, "What standards were
used?"
And the Project Manager smiled and said, "That is not for you to know."
And the morning and the afternoon of the first phase were past

And the Project Manager called the Chief Programmer before him
And he said, "Prepare for me a schedule so that I may look upon it"
And the Chief Programmer walked among his staff
And the Staff was divided into two sections...
One section was called "Analysts"
And the remainder, he called "Application Programmers"
And it came to pass that each Analyst brought his estimate to the Chief
Programmer
Whereupon the Chief Programmer collected them and combined them into a
"Flow Chart"
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the second phase were past

The Chief Programmer went unto the Project Manager & said, "It shall
take 10 months"
And the Project Manager was not pleased -- lightning flashed and thunder
roared
And the Project Manager said, "I have brought you up from the depths
of the Staff"
And the Project Manager arose and banged on his desk
And the Project Manager said, "And yet you do not see the BIG PICTURE"
The Chief Programmer was afraid and trembled and fled to his office
He hired many consultants and authorized much overtime
And he e-mailed the Project Manager with copies to the Brass above:
"Behold ! See all that I have done. The due date will be five months"
And the Chief Programmer said to his Staff, "Let the specifications be
written"
And the morning and the afternoon of the third phase were past

And there were meetings, and power lunches, and Happy Hours
And there were many faxes, and many e-mailings and many phone calls
And the specifications were written
And the Staff and the consultants were richly paid
The Chief Programmer read the Specs and saw that they were too ambitious
And he separated the mandatory features from the optional features
And he called the mandatory features "Requirements"
And he called the optional features "Deferred"
And the Users called him names from afar
And the morning and the afternoon of the fourth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Requirements be analyzed & the Files
designed"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the Software Houses bring forth their
salesmen"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let us have a Data Management System"
And it was so
The Software Houses brought forth all manner of salesmen with their
presentations
And each claimed wondrous things of their packages
Each according to his own system and file structure
And it came to pass that a Data Management System was selected
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the fifth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the System be divided into parts,
each part a Module"
And it was so
And he said, "Let many Teams be formed & let each be assigned a
Module to write"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer divided the many teams into many levels
There was a single "Lead Programmer"
And there were a few "Senior Programmers"
And there were a lot of "Junior Programmers"
And there were many who could only scribble and these he called "Coders"
He gave the greater dominion over the lesser
And the Chief Programmer saw it was good
And the Senior Programmers saw it was good
And the Junior Programmers grumbled amongst themselves
And the Coders were still trying to locate their cubicles in the confusion
The Chief Programmer said, "Let the programming begin"
And the meetings and the power lunches and the Happy Hours were as before
And the morning and the afternoon of the sixth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Much OT shall be consumed; there is but
2 months left"
And the Programmers, the greater & the lesser strove hard, as they
were much afraid
And they flowcharted, and they programmed, each in his own fashion
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the work and liked it not
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let there be a Standard"
And lo, there was a Standard
And the Programmers gazed upon the Standard and like it not
And there was much grumbling and sniping within the cubicles
And while there were meetings and lunches, the Happy Hours were no
longer happy
And the Lead Programmers began reading the on-line want ads
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the seventh
phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let there be 'Progress Reports' from all"
And there were progress reports
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the Progress Reports
And he saw the due date was not to be met
And he pointed his fingers and caused blame
He caused the blame to fall upon all manner of things
He cursed the hardware and the software
He denounced all manner of creatures his eyes fell upon
Then, the Chief Programmer arose a bought a new suit
He shaved his head and wiped ashes on his face and arms
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the eighth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer went before the Project Manager and groveled
And he pleaded for an extension of the due date
The Project Manager was exceedingly angry
He cast grave doubts on the ancestry of the Chief Programmer
He cast a multitude of threats to all of the Teams
But it came to pass that an extension was granted
And among the Teams, there was much rejoicing
And there was again "Happy" in the Happy Hours
And one by one, the modules were completed
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the ninth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Modules be integrated one with
the other"
Two by two, the Modules were integrated, one with another
And great difficulties were experienced
And many hours of overtime were used
And many gallons of coffee were consumed
And it came to pass that System testing was completed
And the morning & the afternoon & the evening & the night of the tenth
phase were past

The the Chief Programmer did go unto the Project Manager
The Chief Programmer said, "Behold ! I bring you glad tidings of
great joy"
And the Project Manager smiled for the first time in a long time
The Chief Programmer said, "For on this day The System is completed"
And suddenly there was with them a multitude of Users praising the
System
And the morning and the afternoon of the eleventh phase were past

And it came to pass that the Project Manager received a phone call
The speaker identified himself as a spokesman for the users
All he said was, "Could you make these few little changes ?"
And the Project Manager dropped the phone and wept...

[thedrifter]

Programming the Hard Way


A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis.

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

[thedrifter]

Proper Wages


A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"

"Speaking," said the farmer.

[thedrifter]

The Protestant Dictionary


AMEN: The only part of any prayer that everyone knows.

AND IN CONCLUSION: A required statement midway through the sermon.

BAPTISTRY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the sermon.

CHOIR: 1. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to pantomime singing. 2. If the music is quality, the words cannot be understood. 3. If the words are quality, the music is lousy.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Protestant Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of the pastors, the choir, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song on Sunday AM, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

UNKNOWN TONGUES: Mother's pantomime instructions to her kids from the choir.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Phantom Blooper]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Sag, You're It.
2. Hide and Go Pee.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical Recliners
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE.....
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' name on them
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze

OLD IS WHEN.....
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard To Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow...

[Phantom Blooper]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

[Phantom Blooper]

A truck driver was driving along on the highway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised.

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A little old man shuffled.........slooooowly...........into an ice cream
parlor, pulled himself ............... slooooooowly............and
painfully....... up onto a stool.
After catching his breath.......................... he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[thedrifter]

Proud Grandmother


An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Proud of You




As one of the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

[thedrifter]

Prove It!


Proof by example:
----------------
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains
most of the ideas of the general proof.


Proof by intimidation:
---------------------
"Trivial."


Proof by vigorous handwaving:
----------------------------
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.


Proof by cumbersome notation:
----------------------------
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.


Proof by exhaustion:
-------------------
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.


Proof by omission:
-----------------
"The reader may easily supply the details"
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."


Proof by obfuscation:
--------------------
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically
related statements.


Proof by wishful citation:
-------------------------
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a
theorem from the literature to support his claims.


Proof by funding:
----------------
How could three different government agencies be wrong?


Proof by eminent authority:
--------------------------
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."


Proof by personal communication:
-------------------------------
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete
[Karp, personal communication]."


Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
---------------------------------------
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is
decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."


Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
---------------------------------------------
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found
in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological
Society, 1883.


Proof by importance:
-------------------
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the
proposition in question.


Proof by accumulated evidence:
-----------------------------
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.


Proof by cosmology:
------------------
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless.
Popular for proofs of the existence of God.


Proof by mutual reference:
-------------------------
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in
reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in
reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in
reference A.


Proof by metaproof:
------------------
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness
of the method is proved by any of these techniques.


Proof by picture:
----------------
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with
proof by omission.


Proof by vehement assertion:
---------------------------
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.


Proof by ghost reference:
------------------------
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the
reference given.


Proof by forward reference:
--------------------------
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is
often not as forthcoming as at first.


Proof by semantic shift:
-----------------------
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for
the statement of the result.


Proof by appeal to intuition:
----------------------------
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

[thedrifter]

Prunes


Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.

His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not."

But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator.

A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,"this will teach him a lesson."

Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes."

[thedrifter]

Psychic Hotline


A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."

[thedrifter]

The Psychiatrist's Test




A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

[thedrifter]

Psychic Hotline




The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The callers would often reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong ... Oh!" (Click)

[thedrifter]

Psychic Phenomena


We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

[thedrifter]

Psychology Course


During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

[thedrifter]

Public Servant


"Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had
black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society. "In fact,"
he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman nearby approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The
guy in the middle went home for lunch!!

[Phantom Blooper]

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves




:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life..
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word,he made contact, "Mary . Mary . "

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.

"Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred , you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson, Arizona."

[Phantom Blooper]

Hello and welcome to the psychiatric hotline.....

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you're paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you're delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you're holding on the side of your head is alive and it's about to burrow through your ear and eat your brain.
:banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy from Boston was traveling through Mexico on
vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all
identification. Cutting his trip short, he
attempts to make his way home
but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the
agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies
the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
tattooed on one butt
cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in
front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.
"Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks !" he says. "But how did you know I was
from Boston ?"



The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of
John Kerry in the middle."

[Phantom Blooper]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Phantom Blooper]

"Top 10 Party Games For People Near 50 or Over 50"

10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?":banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bruce the computer guy, to come over. Bruce clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted health food diet, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[thedrifter]

Pulling Hair


Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

[thedrifter]

The Pun Contest


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Punctuality




For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[thedrifter]

Punctuation


A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[thedrifter]

Puppy Love




My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

[thedrifter]

Put a Lid on It!




A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

[thedrifter]

Quack!




My company had just purchased a computerized mail-delivery machine, which would run on a chemical "track," make stops at designated areas and then continue on its route. On its first day, it emerged from the vice-president's office with red and blue lights flashing.

But the thing was also making a strange noise. As it neared and then passed us, we saw why. The office prankster had attached a child's pull toy to the back of the machine. The noise we heard was the quack, quack, quack of a little yellow duck.

[thedrifter]

Quality Pilots


I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a