Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 33 - Marine Corps

thedrifter

05-01-04, 06:52 AM

Oil Change

This is a compilation of a couple of postings from HAND.

Women are straight forward when it comes to changing the oil. However, it seems that there are three types of men when it comes to this subject. There is the typical man, the smart man, and the really smart man.

WOMAN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

TYPICAL MAN:

1. Go to the local auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, oil filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly, dump it in a hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish the case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11. Buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the pinup calendar on the garage wall.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be past time for another oil change.

SMART MAN:

1. Makes Sure that the proper tools are in place and at hand.
2. Jacks the car.
3. Places jack stand in underneath.
4. Removes plug and drains Oil.
5. Replaces plug now that the oil has stopped.
6. Removes used oil filter (who needs a wrench when they're supposed to be hand-tightened anyway?)
7. Hand-tightens new oil filter (complete with freshly oiled ring) into place.
8. Pours new oil into the engine.
9. Cleans tools, pours old oil into container, lowers car from jacks and jack stands. Recycles the oil properly.
10. Drives a well maintained Vehicle.

REALLY SMART MAN:

1. Checks his mileage and notes that it's time for an oil change.
2. Notes that the wife is going to the Mall this afternoon.
3. Asks if she'd mind taking it into the Sears at the mall while she's there.
4. Wife drives a well maintained vehicle and he doesn't miss any football.

thedrifter

05-01-04, 06:52 AM

Oil Shortage, An Explanation

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

thedrifter

05-01-04, 06:53 AM

Oily Hair

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me, then replied, "Do I smell like Popeye?"

thedrifter

05-01-04, 06:53 AM

Old Ammunition

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.

"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."

The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.

There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:36 PM

Ant And Elephant

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Ahhhh man!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:36 PM

Yellow Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop. "I would like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:37 PM

Magician And Captain's Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, because it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, okay. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:38 PM

Buying Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two-dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky. How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive."

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags."

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:38 PM

Ancient Chinese Proverb

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.

thedrifter

05-01-04, 07:39 PM

Qs & As

Q: What happened when a farmer crossed an owl with a pig?
A: The owl gave everybody dirty looks.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: Why was it that the Drake never got to see a human face?
A: Every time it flew over, someone yelled, "Duck!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A: A bird that hogs the conversation.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:42 AM

Old Apartment

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:42 AM

The Old Couple

While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of thecar to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

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thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:43 AM

Old Friends

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me ... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:43 AM

Old Friends

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, " Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:44 AM

Old Geezers

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:44 AM

Old Geezer - Qualifying Exam

1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer
switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes
in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk
would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing
stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch Wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates
attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was Duck-and-Cover?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed
tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Mills Brothers
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

.
.
.
.
.

ANSWERS:
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular
in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping
the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the
back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed,
movies and other public gathering places were closed to try
to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. Her character was played by a
real person. For the curious, her father on the show, Chief
Thunder Cloud, was also played by a real person. The other real
persons on the show were the host, Buffalo Bob Smith, and of
course, Clarabell the Clown. Other puppets included Mr. Bluster,
Flub-A-Dub and Dilly-Dally.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household
items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The Mills Brothers. The Ink Spots also recorded the song but the
Mills Brothers recorded it first.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:
17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted
with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a old geezer or you are younger
than springtime!

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:45 AM

Old Golfers

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly
difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his
eyesight. "I can't play with my glasses on because they keep falling off,"
he said. "And I'm too darn nearsighted to play without them."
"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man suggested.
"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day, and he
can't get around without a wheelchair!"
"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."
So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took
a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy, that felt good!" he
exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked Hughes.
"Yes," the very old man replied.
"Where did it go?"
"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:45 AM

Old Home

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:46 AM

The Old Junker

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:46 AM

The Old Man On The Mountain

There was a man who lived for fifty years on a mountain which was located next to a small town. People sometimes wondered what the man was doing up there, but nobody ever went to find out.

Then suddenly one day, the "Mountain Man" started down from the mountain heading to the town.

Word spread and everybody was extremely curious to see what this man had to say, and by the time he had arrived, everyone in the town had gathered to see him. When the man had reached the crowd, he stopped and greeted them.

A reporter approached the man and asked, "What were you doing on the mountain for fifty years?"

The man replied, "I was meditating on the meaning of life."

"Well, what have you decided about the meaning of life?"

The man took a deep breath, opened his arms to the heavens and in a deep voice said, "Life is like a TOMATO."

The crowd went silent as everybody attempted to understand this strange notion.

Suddenly a man from the back of the crowd shouted, "Hey, but life isn't like a tomato!"

The old man dwelled upon this statement for a few moments and then replied casually, "OK, it isn't."

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thedrifter

05-02-04, 05:47 AM

The Old Prospector

The old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains before, having lived his whole life in the desert, so when he heard the train whistle it meant nothing to him. He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a glancing blow, but it did result in some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones and some bruises, requiring several weeks in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the old prospector, "Why'd you do that to my teakettle?"

The prospector replies with complete sincerity, "Because, ... you gotta kill them things when they're small."

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thedrifter

05-02-04, 09:22 AM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

*Lady 1: What's that?

*Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

*Lady 1: Where did you get it?

*Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

*Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 09:24 AM

Southern Law

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin'
them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat
an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true,
Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot
coffee that she ordered?"
"Yes."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still
couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer
all them ugly women I slept with?

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:10 PM

Top 10 Reasons Cyber Sex Is Better

10) If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.

9) Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8) If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7) You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6) Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5) Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4) Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3) All guys look like George Clooney and all woman like Pamela Anderson.

2) They never have to know you live in your parents basement.

1) If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:10 PM

The E-Mail Addict

My hand tightly grips the mouse,
I sit here in blank silence.
I haven't gotten an E-mail in 5 days,
Soon I'll resort to violence.

The vein in my forehead
Is popping out for miles.
My chair worn away by shaking.
I sit on the floor tiles.

I stare at my inbox
Praying for some mail.
I've lived on Doritos and beer,
Brain's as slow as a snail.

10 purple blood blisters
Thrive on all my fingers.
Before, my inbox flowed.
Now none is all that lingers.

It's 12:46 at night,
But I'm far from being tired.
I better get some mail,
Before my brain gets wired!

Oh look! I've got a message
From someone named "CareBear."
It has no subject, no words, no point,
But God, I'm glad it's there!

I can finally go to bed
After hours of endless waiting.
Maybe I can restart my social life.
Maybe now I can start dating!

After all, I've been sitting here
Since 1982.
But since I've never seen sunlight,
It might be hard to do.

I wonder why no one
Had sent me something before?
I guess it's cuz I haven't talked
Since 1984!

Have I wasted my life?
Should I have gotten a job?
I've taken advantage of myself.
Now I'm but a gob

Of fat, lazy, unhealthy waste
Sitting in a pit.
I can't think for myself.
I need a computer to do it.

If someone told me to do something else
Would I have said "yeah"?
Have I made the wrong decision?
NAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:10 PM

Highlights Of Bill Gates Birthday Party

Spirited game of "Pin the tail on the geek."

The part where he bought out the competing birthday party next door.

The thrilling rumor an actual woman might show up.

Employee who decorated cake with trick candles that can't be blown out? Fired.

The annual tradition - - drunkest guy in the room has to cut Bill's hair.

Leonard Nimoy presenting him with an autographed Spock ear.

Instead of blowing out candles, making vanquished business rivals put them out with their bare hands.

Kids got to smash piñatas full of $10,000 bills.

When he "downloaded" almost 12 bottles of beer before passing out.

Scoring the free meal at Denny's.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:11 PM

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:11 PM

Lost In A Haze

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:12 PM

Dos Upon A Midnight Dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

thedrifter

05-02-04, 06:13 PM

Housecleaning Tips For Internet Junkies

Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!

Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!

Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.

Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).

We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:52 AM

Old Words - New Meanings

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:53 AM

Ole's Obituary

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You just put, 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:53 AM

On the First Day of Christmas, I Nearly Broke My Neck...

True story.

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the $%^&*( stairs," I explained.

"Anything broken?"

"No, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before I heard, "Oh, that's good. What about my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:53 AM

1 in 360

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:54 AM

The 100GB Bug

EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG

Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:54 AM

189 Pieces

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

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thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:55 AM

On the Tarmac.....

One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:55 AM

One Thing I've Learned in Life is ...

~~~ One Thing I've Learned in Life is... ~~~
(A Laugh-A-Lot.com Original!)

...if at first you don't succeed, look in the wastebasket for
the directions. - Tim, Age 26

...the older I get, the smarter my parent's get. - Janetta, Age 31

...never to beam down to the planet if you're wearing the red
shirt! - Chris, age 37

...breath in, ...breath out... - Kevin, Age 34

...there's nothing better than to be loved. ...well, maybe
eating chocolate! - Vivien, Age 42

...the only person I have to be better than, is the person
I was yesterday. - Debbie, Age 37

...don't let a restaurant serve your food cold. - Ellen, Age 39

...never to let your kids find out your age. - Barrie, Age 41

...becoming an adult was painful -- Being an adult is the BEST!!!
- Robert, Age 52

...the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN'T say that to everyone.
- Alan, Age 28

...OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age.
- Saucke, Age 42

...that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable.
- Shewolf, Age 36

...some things never change, some things should be changed, some
things can't be changed, and sometimes after you change things,
you wish you hadn't! - Doreen, Age 34

...if you ever get in a fight with a woman, plead insanity.
They will not argue with that. - Kevin, Age 15

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:56 AM

On Time for Church

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"

thedrifter

05-03-04, 06:56 AM

The Only Stupid Question...

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked. Except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed Palmer

05-03-04, 10:10 AM

Begin Attached Message---
> Priorities Change With Age ~~~
> Senior citizen to his eighty-year old buddy,
> "So I hear you are getting married?"
> "Yep!"
> "This woman, is she good looking?"
> "Not really."
> "Is she a good cook?"
> "Naw, she can't cook too well."
> "Does she have lots of money?"
> "No, poor as a church mouse."
> "Well then, is she good in bed?"
> "I don't know."
> "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
> "She can still drive."

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:09 PM

Keys

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:09 PM

Jigsaw

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a
problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together,
and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets
to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Paddy" He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him
the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "Murphy you
idiot, put the Cornflakes back in the packet."

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:10 PM

Sick and tired

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing
a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:10 PM

Stolen engine

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:10 PM

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

thedrifter

05-03-04, 09:11 PM

A lot to live for

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:49 AM

Oops!

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:49 AM

Oops!

Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:50 AM

Open Please

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:50 AM

Opening a Can

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:51 AM

The Operation

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:51 AM

The Operation

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:52 AM

If Operating Systems Were Beers

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon
to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so
you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or
a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors
are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:52 AM

Optimist and Pessimist

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:53 AM

Optimist, Pessimist, and Engineer

The optimist: This glass is half full.

The pessimist: This glass is half empty.

The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-04-04, 06:53 AM

Orchestral Managed Care

The president of a large managed health care facility also served on the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:

The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:

A. The attendance of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.

B. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.

C. All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality.

D. Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to eighths. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.

E. No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by the utilization review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:03 PM

Drinking Buddies

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:03 PM

Such a Proposition

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:04 PM

Martooni

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:04 PM

It Opens at Noon

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:05 PM

The Morning After

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "**** on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

thedrifter

05-04-04, 07:06 PM

New FDA Alcohol Warnings for Booze Bottles
[

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

usmc4669

05-04-04, 07:46 PM

A Marine aviator walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?".

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.".

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?".

The Marine aviator responds, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.".

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?".

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties....".

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!".

The Marine aviator smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.".

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:05 AM

Organized?

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:06 AM

The Origin of Pets

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:06 AM

Ot Yet?

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:07 AM

Outrunning A Ghost

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:07 AM

Overboard!

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell MAN OVERBOARD!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:08 AM

Overbooked Plane

We can't verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more resourceful about supplementing their incomes...

A reader reports that, while sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.

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thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:08 AM

Overdue Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:09 AM

Owl Calling

"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them.

thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:09 AM

The Owl and the Cow

An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:

The bird I am going to write about is the Owl.

The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.

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thedrifter

05-05-04, 05:10 AM

Pack a Parachute

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

Marine ISP

05-05-04, 06:37 PM

Standing Guard at the White House shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." At that the Marine snapped to attention, and said, "See you tomorrow."

thedrifter

05-05-04, 07:53 PM

You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

thedrifter

05-05-04, 07:53 PM

Have you Been Fooling Around on Me?

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

thedrifter

05-05-04, 07:54 PM

Is this your husband?

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

thedrifter

05-05-04, 07:55 PM

A Big Surprise

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:08 AM

The Packing Slip

This packing notice was included in the packaging of a SCSI drive
shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A
POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida
Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody
cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret and not
Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-
Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO
JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a
large occurrence! However. If this in not trouble, such
rotations a very maintenance action, as kindly (something)
virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves
and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:09 AM

The Pager

A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:10 AM

Paid by the Week

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:10 AM

Pain

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:11 AM

The Painting

Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.

As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.

Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.

On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."

As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail.

Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.

A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.

During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched.

He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief.

The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received.

The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.

Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.

Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell.

Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"

The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all."

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thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:11 AM

Paint Store

After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

"Don't come back here," he begged.

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:12 AM

Panty Hose

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

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thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:12 AM

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code
red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives
who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without
a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right
to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the
other person.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable
coincidences, studies have shown
no link whatsoever between airplane
crashes and death.

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:13 AM

A Paradigm

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:28 PM

Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:28 PM

Walking Along the Beach in France

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:29 PM

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:30 PM

Three Dumb Hunters

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:30 PM

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

thedrifter

05-06-04, 06:31 PM

At the Military Base
[

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:33 AM

Parental Observations

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to
your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose
your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be
everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he
looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come
when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be
far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much
patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers
are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to
chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:34 AM

Parenting Test

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to
take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?
A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like
'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old
female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test
will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have
the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils
ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One --- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1) I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2) ... and this time I really mean it.
3) Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4) See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5) Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6) One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7) Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8) Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9) Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10) Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1) Tickle Me ____________.
2) 101 _________________.
3) The Berenstain _________.
4) Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5) _______________ Nuggets.
6) _______________ Meals.
7) Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
1) Amoxicillin
2) Legos
3) Pull-Ups
4) Push-Ups
5) Tubes
******
A) Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B) Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C) A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D) A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E) A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1) It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2) She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3) You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages,
two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled
parent. How will you accomplish this?
4) At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl,
and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will
this be done?

Section Five -- Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -

Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:34 AM

Parenting Want Ad

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:35 AM

Parent-Teacher Conference

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:35 AM

Parent-Teacher Conference

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:36 AM

Parent's Glossary of Kid's Kitchen Terms

APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS:
Gourmet cooking.

FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI:
Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.

TABLE:
A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:36 AM

Parking Lot Rules

(How many of these can you relate to?)

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the mess out of them.

Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious

Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:37 AM

Parking Space

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:38 AM

The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 06:38 AM

Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:28 PM

Jeeves, Take Off My Dress

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:29 PM

To Be an Egg

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:30 PM

Good at Sensitive Stuff

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."

"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"

She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:30 PM

Hunting License

A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied. But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?".

The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy. Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?"

Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper, said ok. Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.

The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said, "Boy, where are you from, exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and see!"

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:31 PM

In the Middle of Nowhere

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

thedrifter

05-07-04, 08:32 PM

30 years - What a Long Strange Trip

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:20 AM

Parking

A guy had been unemployed for several months and unable to find a job. After numerous applications, he was finally invited to a downtown business for a job interview. Upon arriving downtown, he was unable to find a parking spot near the building where he needed to go. Thinking that someone parked along the curb near the building where he needed to go would surely be leaving soon, he circled the block. After 20 minutes of pure frustration in not finding a parking spot he decided to park at a red curb, rather than be late for his interview. Prior to leaving his car, he wrote this note and placed it on the windshield:

Dear Officer,

I have been driving around this block for twenty minutes.
If I don't do this it means my job. FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS!!!

The man proceeded into the building where the interview went really well. Upon returning to his car, he noticed a parking ticket on the windshield. Next to the ticket was a note that read:

Dear Sir,

I have been driving around this block for twenty years.
If I don't do this it means my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION !!!

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:21 AM

The Parrot

So there's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:21 AM

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling
but I must insist. You're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never
stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight
maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is
poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just
lay off me.

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all
over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the
police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:22 AM

Parts is Parts

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:22 AM

Pass It Along

My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:23 AM

Password Security Guidelines

For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have
been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow
them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

1. Minimum length 8 characters
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on
Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change
if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11,
commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the Internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
12. Changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Incontrovertible by OJ Simpson's lawyers.
16. Undecodeable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking
form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
19. Self-escrow able to enable authorities to capture kiddie-porn people
and baddies but not the goodies ("but we'll only decode it with a
court order, honest").
20. Not decrypt able by exhaustive application of possible one-time pads.

Due to the severity of the restrictions, if the password is entered
incorrectly 3 times at login time, you will be asked if you would like to
pick a new one.

thedrifter

05-08-04, 06:24 AM

Passwords for Kids

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:07 AM

Past Prognostications

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad
that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll
come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't
got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:08 AM

Payback!

Supposedly a true story from Sweden ... not sure about that ...

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and he would get her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of wine. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girlfriend, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:09 AM

Pay Day

A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:09 AM

Pay Phone

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:10 AM

PC Message Glossary

(What the PC message is / what the PC message really means)

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmer's joke.
Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes,
only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use
one of the bits below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:11 AM

The Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:11 AM

The Pearly Gates 2

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:12 AM

Peat Moss

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:13 AM

Pebble Beach

A golfer, well into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT... STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

thedrifter

05-09-04, 08:14 AM

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $80,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling the bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $750,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $710,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Phantom Blooper

05-09-04, 03:16 PM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again". :)

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:47 AM

Perfect Par

A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?", to which the man would *always* reply, "Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying all this time. There s no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...another perfect par!"

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:47 AM

Pencil Manufacturers Sued

The Nation's Second Leading Source for Misinformation

DEMOCRATS SUE PENCIL MANUFACTURERS

For the past thirty years America's public schools have been producing students who are increasingly less educated. Democratic politicians across the country feel that pencil manufacturers are the ones responsible for creating this education crisis and are filing lawsuits against them.

One of the cities suing the pencil industry is Oakland, California. Said one Democratic City Councilwoman in Oakland, "It is an undisputed fact that 99% of all American public school students use pencils on a daily basis. These pencils are faulty because they allow students to spell words incorrectly, as well as commit grammatical and mathematical errors. It is time that pencil manufacturers be held accountable for their role in producing inferior students."

The City of Atlanta is also suing pencil manufacturers. The Mayor of Atlanta told BNN, "The pencil makers currently have technology available to put 'Student Safety Devices' on their products. But they refuse to do it. These 'Student Safety Devices' would prevent students from committing academic errors and help them to be better pupils . Our lawsuit is designed to send a message to pencil producers that we will no longer allow them to victimize the children in our school district."

Pencil manufacturers, however, claim that their products do not cause students to commit academic errors. Said Lawrence McDowell of the Sanford Pencil Company, "A pencil is an inanimate object. It is a tool which a student uses at his or her ability level. In the hands of an intelligent and educated student it can be used for producing excellent academic work. In the hands of a lazy student, who watches nine hours of television a day, a pencil is used to produce inferior academic work. The pencil is not responsible for creating either the excellent work or the inferior work."

The Mayor of Atlanta disagrees with McDowell. Said the Mayor, "That defense is straight out of the National Pencil Association (NPA) handbook. We are trying to do something that will help our students perform better in school. But it is obvious that all they care about is their profit margin."

While the lawsuits against the pencil manufacturers move forward, Democrats on Capital Hill are planning to introduce 'Pencil Control Legislation' that would require every pencil to have a 'Student Safety Device' installed. Republicans, who have traditionally sided with the National Pencil Association are showing signs that they may cave to public pressure and vote with Democrats on this bill.

More on this story as it unfolds.

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:48 AM

Penguins, 1

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:48 AM

Penguins 2

Reported in Audubon Society Magazine:

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:49 AM

The Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:49 AM

Penny Scales

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:50 AM

Pentagon Ice Cream Names

Bennett Cohen gave up such promising jobs as McDonald's cashier, night mopper at Friendly's Restaurant and pottery wheel delivery person to go into business with his junior high pal, Jerry Greenfield. Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream Parlor opened in May, 1978, in a renovated gas station in Burlington, Vermont, and the rest, as they say, is history.

In addition to its rich, unusual flavors, Ben & Jerry's quickly became famous for its exceptional, community-oriented approach to business. Not to mention being responsible for a certain humor list moderator's addiction to Triple Bypass Ripple.

Apart from his work with Ben & Jerry's, Ben is the founder and President of Business Leaders For Sensible Priorities, which mobilizes business leaders' expertise to redirect U.S. federal budget priorities away from Cold War military spending levels and toward meeting basic human needs.

With that bit of history said, here are:

The Top 10 Pentagon Ice Cream Names
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

10. A Thousand Points of Mint

9. Nukies & Cream

8. $800 Wrench Ripple

7. Taxation Sensation

6. Blowing S'Mocha

5. Taxpayer Crunched

4. Defense Contractors' Delight

3. Delicious Fictitious Budget Crunch

2. When-They-See-How-Much-We-Spent-The-Voters-Are-Gonna-Be Pistachio

and the Number 1 Pentagon Ice Cream Name .....

1. Budget Fudge-It

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:51 AM

People for the Ethical Treatment of Software

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:51 AM

Perfection

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving
along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a
perfect man.
===================================
* A Male Response
* (Page Down )

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.

thedrifter

05-10-04, 06:52 AM

The Perfect Man

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR.POTATO HEAD

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

Ed Palmer

05-10-04, 10:29 AM

This realy turned into a joke
------------------------------------------
Social Security-interesting
> Now we are getting to election issues!
>
> And which party is for those who really try to support
themselves
>
>
>
> Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA)
> Program. He promised:
>
> 1.) That participation in the Program would be completely
voluntary,
>
> 2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first
> $1,400
> of their annual incomes into the Program,
>
> 3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the
Program
> would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each
year,
>
> 4.) That the money the participants put into the independent
"Trust
> Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and
> therefore, would
> only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program,
> and no
> other Government program, and,
>
> 5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed
> as income.
>
> Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a
> Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are
> getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to
"put
> away," you may be interested in the following:
>
> Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent
> "Trust" fund and put it into the General fund so that Congress
> could spend it?
>
> A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the Democratically-controlled House and
Senate.
>
> Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social
> . .Security (FICA) withholding?
>
> A: The Democratic Party.
>
> Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?
>
> A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the "tie-breaking"
deciding
> .vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of
> the U.S.
>
> Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to
> immigrants?
>
> A: That's right! Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party. Immigrants
moved
> into this country, and at age 65, began to receive SSI Social
Security
> . payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even
though
> . they never paid a dime into it!
>
> Then, after doing all this lying and thieving and violation of the
original
> contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the
> Republicans want to take your Social Security away!
>
> And the worst part about it is, uninformed citizens believe it!
>
> Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during this 2004 election
year!
>
> If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted
> and maybe good changes will evolve.

thedrifter

05-11-04, 05:59 AM

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:00 AM

Personal Calls

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:00 AM

Personal Items

Part of the passenger arrival briefing from the lone flight attendant on a United Express O'Hare-to-Memphis flight:

"Please remove all personal items from the aircraft. Any items left on board can be found at my yard sale next Sunday."

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:01 AM

Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He's bald."

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:01 AM

Personal Statistics

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:02 AM

Pet Gift

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:02 AM

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

2. Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

3. Cat: Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains.

4. Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?

5. Cat: Why are these people in my house?

6. Dog: What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!

7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:03 AM

Pet Tragedy

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:03 AM

Pets on Planes

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:04 AM

Petty Argument

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

Phantom Blooper

05-11-04, 10:06 AM

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from Marines, it will be our policy to keep all Marines well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our Marines more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your SNCO. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our SNCO are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Marines who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since all SNCO's took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For Marines who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The DIRECTOR UNDER the MAIN BUREAU of SUPER HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
The (D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.).
:marine:

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:49 PM

He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:49 PM

What Men are Like

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:50 PM

One Woman's Search for True Love

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and
ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:51 PM

In the Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy
your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:51 PM

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

thedrifter

05-11-04, 06:52 PM

In The Beginning

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented.

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, O Mighty One."

"Then we shall do the same for the woman."

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?"

"How many did we put in Adam?"

"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One."

"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman."

"Yes, O Great Lord."

"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:52 AM

Pharmacy

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:52 AM

Philosophy Exam

(True story)

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:
"If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:53 AM

Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:53 AM

Phobias

I suffer from two phobias:

1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and

2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:54 AM

The Phone Call

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:54 AM

The Phone Call

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:55 AM

Phone Problems?

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:55 AM

Phone Repair

This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the clerk asked and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?"

As if that wasn't bad enough ... He also requested that we report future outages by email.

(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?????? )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:56 AM

Phone Repairs

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:56 AM

The Photo Shoot

Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.

The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.

Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."

thedrifter

05-12-04, 05:57 AM

Photo Touch-Up

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer.

She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture.

He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

Phantom Blooper

05-13-04, 06:10 AM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
:banana:

Ed Palmer

05-13-04, 07:17 AM

A guy walking down the street

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? "
Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs
around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks
again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs
again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and
"Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that
dark alley over there." So they went to that alley and she
takes off the blouse and bra to reveal the most perfect breasts in the
world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them,
fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them, ....but not
biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them
or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:13 AM

Physics Class

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As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:14 AM

Piano Tuner

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:14 AM

Picking a Jury

A judge was hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went in- to the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.

But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:15 AM

Picture Menu

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:15 AM

A Picture is Worth ... How Many Words?

A picture frame was broken, and I decided to try my hand at repairing it. A screw was missing in one corner, so I called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" I asked the man who answered. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know, but it's rather small."

The man sighed. "Ma'am, would that be closer to 'itsy-bitsy' or 'teeny-weeny'?" he asked.

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:16 AM

Piece of Advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:16 AM

A Pie in the Oven

A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.

She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger-which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen," She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.

A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

She had never seen anything like it-it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and the door was open. When she saw that she threw her arms around him.

"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."

He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:17 AM

Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside diameter - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. (Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words 'long pipe' painted on each end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long pipe' painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:18 AM

Pirates

Two pirates are talking. One has a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?

Ay, it got bit off by a varmit shark.

How'd you get that metal hook?

Lost 'er in a sword fight . . . guy cut off me bloody hand.

How'd you get that eye patch?

Well, I was up in the crows nest and I looked up to spy this seagull. The dang thing got me right in the eye!

Well, how'd THAT make you blind?

Arr, it was the first day I had me hook!

thedrifter

05-13-04, 11:18 AM

Pizza Delivery

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college student delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

Saurian'sEdge

05-13-04, 05:14 PM

The State Trooper
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two Miles north of the PA/MD state line.When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind The patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way in the world I can pass that test."

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:45 AM

Plane Reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from our equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:46 AM

The Plaque

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

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thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:46 AM

Playing Doctor

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

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thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:47 AM

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:47 AM

Please and Thank You

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:48 AM

Please Be Quiet

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

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thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:48 AM

Please Log On

I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius".

After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

There's one in every crowd.

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:49 AM

The Pluperfect Virus

Taking Liberties
The Pluperfect Virus
By Bob Hirschfeld

Sunday, May 2, 1999

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:49 AM

The Plural of Y'all

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What is the plural of y'all?

I asked this (innocently) at the end of a recent humor posting which dealt with misconceptions about Texas. Little did I know that I had opened the flood gates! I have received more email on this subject over the past few days than I care to mention. Everyone seems to have an answer to this question.

I received answers from Texans, non-Texans, wanna-be Texans, former Texans, people from Arkansas, New York (a transplanted Texan no doubt), Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, California, Oklahoma, among others and I even received a response from someone in Papua New Guinea.

Well, the answer to this question is one which should be shared, so here are the comments on the plural of y'all:

Many people indicated that y'all is already the plural form and provided the singular form which was variously (1) you'un (2) you-all (3) youins (4) yuse'all (5) yewins (6) yu's oll and (7) you'uns.

Some people contended that y'all is both plural and singular just as "you" can be used for both plural and singular, depending on the context. One Texan added that there "ain't no sense in wasting the energy making up two differ'nt words, is there?" Another added that Texans have "been talking like this since we were babies, so why let a few years of education mess up something natural?"

One person told me that the plural was y'ens (from "ye ones") and said that the information was from his English teacher (the teacher having a Masters in Linguistics and a PhD in English).

So, now it's time to announce the "official" plural of y'all (at least according to the various opinions of the Good Clean Fun list members). By a comment margin of at least 5 to 1, the plural of y'all is:

ALL Y'ALL

Now, 'nuf said! I thank y'all and all y'all can can git back to yer chores.

thedrifter

05-14-04, 06:50 AM

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Saurian'sEdge

05-14-04, 06:51 AM

Actual Ads from New York Times.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything

Phantom Blooper

05-14-04, 03:46 PM

A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner.

The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"

"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."

"Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"

The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"

Phantom Blooper

05-15-04, 04:59 AM

A man who walked into a confessional. "Father," he said, "I used some foul language yesterday and I feel terrible". "What happened?" asked the priest. "I was golfing. My first swing looked like a great shot, but a bird swooped down and grabbed it, right out of the air!" "Is that when you swore?" asked the priest. "Nope," replied the man. "The bird was flying low, when a dog appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the ball out of the bird's beak and ran." "So you swore?" asked the priest. "No... not yet. The dog dropped the ball in the bushes. I was just about to get it when a squirrel came running and took it." "IS THAT WHEN YOU SWORE?" asked the priest. "No. The squirrel was heading for the forest when a raccoon started to chase it. The squirrel ran on to the golf course and dropped the ball no farther than six inches from the hole." "Oh, now I see." said the priest. "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"

Phantom Blooper

05-15-04, 06:08 AM

A very large, heavily tattooed member of a Hells Angels motor cycle gang stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. The shop couldn't repair it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far away, he would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil to do some chores. He then stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose for the next weeks food needs. However, he now had a problem .....how to carry all of his purchases home.
The store owner suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil inside the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey thanks, Dude!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
While walking across the parking lot, he was approached by a little old grey-haired grandmotherly type lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "....Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take the short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. You are a rough looking biker type person ....and how do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Hey! Give me a break here, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I POSSIBLY hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady thought for a moment and then said, "....Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket .....and I'll hold those two chickens."

Phantom Blooper

05-15-04, 06:12 AM

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:25 AM

Poisoned Coffee

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:26 AM

Polar Bears

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:26 AM

Police Chase

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man though for a moment and said ... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:27 AM

Police Story

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say--,"

"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:27 AM

Policeman with a Sense of Humor

Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign and a few moments after he runs it, they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

MARK: OhnowhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do?

He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

MARK: [panicy] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really!

COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.

Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.

After about five minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.

AL: You don't need to see his identification.

COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.

AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

AL: He may go on about his business.

COP: You may go on about your business.

AL: Move along.

COP: Move along.

At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:28 AM

Policework

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:28 AM

Polite Dinner

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:29 AM

Political Correctness

...who says we're not getting too politically correct? Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak:

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:29 AM

Political Correctness for Teenagers

No one fails a class anymore, there merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 06:30 AM

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"

plus

"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."

(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

Ed Palmer

05-15-04, 06:55 AM

Why Women Lie...!

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

"The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh, Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious, "You lied! That is an untruth!" "This is NOT your husband!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S WHY I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story and..., we're sticking to it!

Phantom Blooper

05-15-04, 07:02 AM

FAMOUS MARINE BIOLOGIST ARRESTED ON SHOCKING SEX
CHARGE...

A marine biologist in Africa has developed a strain ofgenetically-engineered dolphins that have proven to be extremely useful for undersea research. Further - these dolphins are immortal, as long as they are fed a special diet of Atlantic seagulls.

One day the gull supply ran low. So the biologist set out to snare more seagulls, and quickly caught a dozen fledglings in his net. On the way back he spied two lions sleeping on the footpath in front of him.Afraid to wake the fierce beasts, he gingerly stepped over them - and right into the arms of the Law! He was arrested on the spot.

You see - our biologist was guilty of transporting under aged gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:14 PM

Where There's A Will...

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "They say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if, at my funeral, you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something."

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT scan broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT scan and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested."

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:14 PM

A Lawyer And The Stockbroker's

A lawyer and his two stockbroker buddies took a month off to sail across the Atlantic. Midway across they hit a hurricane and the yacht sank, leaving barely enough time for all three to radio for help and scramble into a rubber life raft.

The raft was riding very low in the water and being circled relentlessly by six or seven sharks when a Coast Guard launched a small rescue boat. A giant wave came along and swamped the survivor's raft. In an instant the sharks mauled the stockbrokers into little more than hamburger, but then broke apart to form a pathway and escort the survivor safely into the hands of the Coast Guard.

"Damn!" gasped one of the astonished sailors. "That was a miracle!"

"Nah," explained the lawyer modestly, wringing the seawater out of his shirt. "Just professional courtesy."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:15 PM

The Proposition

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your children's children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked, "OK, so... What's the catch?"

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:15 PM

A Lawyer's Heart

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. Tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart." said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:16 PM

Gone But Not Forgotten

As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a smirk, "You had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

"Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But," he added, "I guess that he could still be out there practicing law somewhere."

thedrifter

05-15-04, 08:16 PM

Golfing Lawyers

Two lawyers, Lawrence and Milton, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Lawrence offers Milton a bet. "Let's say we bet $50." Milton agrees and they're off.

They are having a great game. After the 8th hold, Milton is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Lawrence.

After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Milton pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

Lawrence looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Lawrence said. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Phantom Blooper

05-15-04, 09:07 PM

Land Navigation

One day, three O-6's were hiking & unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. " POOF!" God gave him big arms & strong legs & he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about 2 hours, & he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength & the tools to cross this river." POOF!" God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, & he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Navy Captain had seen how things worked out for the other two, so then he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, AND the intelligence to cross this river. " POOF! God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, & walked across the bridge.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:56 AM

Politically Correct NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the 1999 season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:57 AM

Politically Correct Piggies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oooo.
( )
) /
(_/

1. This male piggy went to market.

2. This female piggy stayed home performing demeaning menial tasks at the behest of the male piggy.

3. This male piggy had roast beef painstakingly prepared by the female piggy who was never appreciated for all her domestic engineering. And that female piggy had none because she knew through psychotherapy that the route to empowerment was to reject the traditional notions of right and wrong and to poison the male piggy with roast beef that had been fed bovine growth hormone.

4. So this male piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way to the hospital where he succumbed to stomach distress.

5. And this female piggy took over his market and ran it as a non-exploitative cooperative celebrating the values of piggy diversity.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:57 AM

Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

> TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas.
Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah.
Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:58 AM

Politically Correct 23rd Psalm

(For those of you who can't remember, The 23rd Psalm is the one which begins with "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want ...")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.

He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.

He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.

Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non- illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.

Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.

You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.

Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter- relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.

And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:58 AM

Politically Correct Santa

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:59 AM

Politics As Usual?

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. At the end of the announcement, he said, "More on candidates at 10 P.M."

My ten-year-old granddaughter looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 06:59 AM

Politics Explained

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

thedrifter

05-16-04, 07:00 AM

Police Recruit

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

thedrifter

05-16-04, 07:00 AM

Polygons

My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon."

"What about two sided ones?" I asked.

"They don't exist," was his response.

"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."

thedrifter

05-16-04, 07:01 AM

Polly Wanna Talk?

A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company."

"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

"Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

"Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."

"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.

He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he'll talk to you."

"OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.

But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. "Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot STILL won't talk to me."

The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

"Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home.

The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed. "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.

"Ohmigosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"

"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replied.

"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.

The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'"

Phantom Blooper

05-16-04, 04:20 PM

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring!

The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of
blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly,
it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from his drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles He shakes his
head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place.

yellowwing

05-16-04, 06:17 PM

How can you tell when there's a gay convention in town? The men are by the pool and the women are out golfing!
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

05-17-04, 05:55 AM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's
heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a
thit."
:banana:

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:52 AM

Ponder This

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station .........

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:52 AM

Pony Express

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lot older now?"

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thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:53 AM

Poof!

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:53 AM

Pool Rules

A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a swim club. However, he was stopped by the owner who tried to explain that for health reasons long-haired people were prohibited from using the pool.

"Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in the pool," suggested the owner.

"Some of history's greatest men had long hair," said the young man.

"Those are the rules," hammered back the owner.

"Moses had long hair."

"Moses can't swim in our pool either."

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:54 AM

Poor Eyesight

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example, do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:54 AM

Poor Fred (Bad Pun)

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he sarcastically said, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:55 AM

Poor Golf Game

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:55 AM

Poor People

A famous actor`s son was asked to write a composition in school on the topic of "poor people." The child wrote, "Once there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The butler was poor. The maid was poor. The chauffeur was poor..........."

thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:56 AM

The Poor Sermon

A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

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thedrifter

05-17-04, 06:56 AM

The Portrait

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:10 AM

Position To Pray

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:11 AM

Post-Election Light Bulbs

In honor of the elections (both parties represented)

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six:

14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
denying that the bulb is burned out.

8 White House aides to blame the previous administration

4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.

243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact
of burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness

1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.

9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
really knows how to change a light bulb.

1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
childhood in Arkansas.

42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
changing a light bulb.

2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
able to change their own light bulbs.

1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
can't be pinned on the Republicans.

1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that
no one else knows anything about.

5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the
environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm
anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications
for light bulbs.

------------------

And ...

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the
old bulb;

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start
buying more 110-volt bulbs;

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs,
or screwing anything, on the Internet.

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:11 AM

The Post Office

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:12 AM

Post Office Job

Paul got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."

"Thank you, Sir" said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"

Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:12 AM

Potholes

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:13 AM

Power Failure

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

thedrifter

05-18-04, 11:14 AM

Power Line Virus Alert!

WARNING -- DANGEROUS VIRUS!!!

There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Win95/98, UNIX, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, VHS, and BetaMax systems.

To prevent the spread of the worm:

1. Don't use the powerline.

2. Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)

3. Don't upload or download files.

4. Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.

5. Don't read messages. Not even this one!

6. Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.

7. Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.

8. Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.

9. Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or air-conditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.