Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Office Holiday Memo




To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office
and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden
(it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[thedrifter]

The Office Intern


Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use the copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

[thedrifter]

Office Skills


"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

[thedrifter]

Officer's First Patrol




A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

[thedrifter]

Oh-pun Season


(This was sent in various flavors ... just substitute the name of your favorite airport).

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

(You may groan now!)

[thedrifter]

Oil Change


This is a compilation of a couple of postings from HAND.

Women are straight forward when it comes to changing the oil. However, it seems that there are three types of men when it comes to this subject. There is the typical man, the smart man, and the really smart man.

WOMAN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


TYPICAL MAN:

1. Go to the local auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, oil filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly, dump it in a hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish the case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11. Buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the pinup calendar on the garage wall.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be past time for another oil change.


SMART MAN:

1. Makes Sure that the proper tools are in place and at hand.
2. Jacks the car.
3. Places jack stand in underneath.
4. Removes plug and drains Oil.
5. Replaces plug now that the oil has stopped.
6. Removes used oil filter (who needs a wrench when they're supposed to be hand-tightened anyway?)
7. Hand-tightens new oil filter (complete with freshly oiled ring) into place.
8. Pours new oil into the engine.
9. Cleans tools, pours old oil into container, lowers car from jacks and jack stands. Recycles the oil properly.
10. Drives a well maintained Vehicle.


REALLY SMART MAN:

1. Checks his mileage and notes that it's time for an oil change.
2. Notes that the wife is going to the Mall this afternoon.
3. Asks if she'd mind taking it into the Sears at the mall while she's there.
4. Wife drives a well maintained vehicle and he doesn't miss any football.

[thedrifter]

Oil Shortage, An Explanation


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

[thedrifter]

Oily Hair


Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me, then replied, "Do I smell like Popeye?"

[thedrifter]

Old Ammunition


A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.

"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."

The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.

There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

[thedrifter]

Ant And Elephant

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Ahhhh man!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

[thedrifter]

Yellow Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop. "I would like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

[thedrifter]

Magician And Captain's Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, because it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, okay. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

[thedrifter]

Buying Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two-dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky. How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive."

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags."

[thedrifter]

Ancient Chinese Proverb

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.

[thedrifter]

Qs & As

Q: What happened when a farmer crossed an owl with a pig?
A: The owl gave everybody dirty looks.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: Why was it that the Drake never got to see a human face?
A: Every time it flew over, someone yelled, "Duck!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A: A bird that hogs the conversation.

[thedrifter]

Old Apartment




I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

[thedrifter]

The Old Couple




While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of thecar to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."


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[thedrifter]

Old Friends


Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me ... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

[thedrifter]

Old Friends


Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, " Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"

[thedrifter]

Old Geezers


A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."


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[thedrifter]

Old Geezer - Qualifying Exam


1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer
switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes
in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk
would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing
stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch Wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates
attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was Duck-and-Cover?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed
tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Mills Brothers
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin


.
.
.
.
.


ANSWERS:
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular
in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping
the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the
back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed,
movies and other public gathering places were closed to try
to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your
arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. Her character was played by a
real person. For the curious, her father on the show, Chief
Thunder Cloud, was also played by a real person. The other real
persons on the show were the host, Buffalo Bob Smith, and of
course, Clarabell the Clown. Other puppets included Mr. Bluster,
Flub-A-Dub and Dilly-Dally.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household
items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The Mills Brothers. The Ink Spots also recorded the song but the
Mills Brothers recorded it first.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:
17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted
with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a old geezer or you are younger
than springtime!

[thedrifter]

Old Golfers


Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly
difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his
eyesight. "I can't play with my glasses on because they keep falling off,"
he said. "And I'm too darn nearsighted to play without them."
"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man suggested.
"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day, and he
can't get around without a wheelchair!"
"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."
So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took
a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy, that felt good!" he
exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked Hughes.
"Yes," the very old man replied.
"Where did it go?"
"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.

[thedrifter]

Old Home




We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

[thedrifter]

The Old Junker




His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

[thedrifter]

The Old Man On The Mountain


There was a man who lived for fifty years on a mountain which was located next to a small town. People sometimes wondered what the man was doing up there, but nobody ever went to find out.

Then suddenly one day, the "Mountain Man" started down from the mountain heading to the town.

Word spread and everybody was extremely curious to see what this man had to say, and by the time he had arrived, everyone in the town had gathered to see him. When the man had reached the crowd, he stopped and greeted them.

A reporter approached the man and asked, "What were you doing on the mountain for fifty years?"

The man replied, "I was meditating on the meaning of life."

"Well, what have you decided about the meaning of life?"

The man took a deep breath, opened his arms to the heavens and in a deep voice said, "Life is like a TOMATO."

The crowd went silent as everybody attempted to understand this strange notion.

Suddenly a man from the back of the crowd shouted, "Hey, but life isn't like a tomato!"

The old man dwelled upon this statement for a few moments and then replied casually, "OK, it isn't."


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[thedrifter]

The Old Prospector




The old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains before, having lived his whole life in the desert, so when he heard the train whistle it meant nothing to him. He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a glancing blow, but it did result in some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones and some bruises, requiring several weeks in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the old prospector, "Why'd you do that to my teakettle?"

The prospector replies with complete sincerity, "Because, ... you gotta kill them things when they're small."


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[thedrifter]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

*Lady 1: What's that?

*Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

*Lady 1: Where did you get it?

*Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

*Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[thedrifter]

Southern Law

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin'
them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat
an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true,
Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot
coffee that she ordered?"
"Yes."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still
couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer
all them ugly women I slept with?

[thedrifter]

Top 10 Reasons Cyber Sex Is Better

10) If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.

9) Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8) If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7) You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6) Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5) Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4) Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3) All guys look like George Clooney and all woman like Pamela Anderson.

2) They never have to know you live in your parents basement.

1) If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[thedrifter]

The E-Mail Addict

My hand tightly grips the mouse,
I sit here in blank silence.
I haven't gotten an E-mail in 5 days,
Soon I'll resort to violence.

The vein in my forehead
Is popping out for miles.
My chair worn away by shaking.
I sit on the floor tiles.

I stare at my inbox
Praying for some mail.
I've lived on Doritos and beer,
Brain's as slow as a snail.

10 purple blood blisters
Thrive on all my fingers.
Before, my inbox flowed.
Now none is all that lingers.

It's 12:46 at night,
But I'm far from being tired.
I better get some mail,
Before my brain gets wired!

Oh look! I've got a message
From someone named "CareBear."
It has no subject, no words, no point,
But God, I'm glad it's there!

I can finally go to bed
After hours of endless waiting.
Maybe I can restart my social life.
Maybe now I can start dating!

After all, I've been sitting here
Since 1982.
But since I've never seen sunlight,
It might be hard to do.

I wonder why no one
Had sent me something before?
I guess it's cuz I haven't talked
Since 1984!

Have I wasted my life?
Should I have gotten a job?
I've taken advantage of myself.
Now I'm but a gob

Of fat, lazy, unhealthy waste
Sitting in a pit.
I can't think for myself.
I need a computer to do it.

If someone told me to do something else
Would I have said "yeah"?
Have I made the wrong decision?
NAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Highlights Of Bill Gates Birthday Party

Spirited game of "Pin the tail on the geek."

The part where he bought out the competing birthday party next door.

The thrilling rumor an actual woman might show up.

Employee who decorated cake with trick candles that can't be blown out? Fired.

The annual tradition - - drunkest guy in the room has to cut Bill's hair.

Leonard Nimoy presenting him with an autographed Spock ear.

Instead of blowing out candles, making vanquished business rivals put them out with their bare hands.

Kids got to smash piñatas full of $10,000 bills.

When he "downloaded" almost 12 bottles of beer before passing out.

Scoring the free meal at Denny's.

[thedrifter]

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

[thedrifter]

Lost In A Haze

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[thedrifter]

Dos Upon A Midnight Dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

[thedrifter]

Housecleaning Tips For Internet Junkies

Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!

Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke!

Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious.

Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash).

We hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... We hope to see more of you online soon!

[thedrifter]

Old Words - New Meanings


Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

[thedrifter]

Ole's Obituary




Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You just put, 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

[thedrifter]

On the First Day of Christmas, I Nearly Broke My Neck...


True story.

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the $%^&*( stairs," I explained.

"Anything broken?"

"No, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before I heard, "Oh, that's good. What about my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

[thedrifter]

1 in 360


During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

[thedrifter]

The 100GB Bug




EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG

Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."


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[thedrifter]

189 Pieces




A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.


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[thedrifter]

On the Tarmac.....




One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."

[thedrifter]

One Thing I've Learned in Life is ...





~~~ One Thing I've Learned in Life is... ~~~
(A Laugh-A-Lot.com Original!)

...if at first you don't succeed, look in the wastebasket for
the directions. - Tim, Age 26

...the older I get, the smarter my parent's get. - Janetta, Age 31

...never to beam down to the planet if you're wearing the red
shirt! - Chris, age 37

...breath in, ...breath out... - Kevin, Age 34

...there's nothing better than to be loved. ...well, maybe
eating chocolate! - Vivien, Age 42

...the only person I have to be better than, is the person
I was yesterday. - Debbie, Age 37

...don't let a restaurant serve your food cold. - Ellen, Age 39

...never to let your kids find out your age. - Barrie, Age 41

...becoming an adult was painful -- Being an adult is the BEST!!!
- Robert, Age 52

...the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN'T say that to everyone.
- Alan, Age 28

...OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age.
- Saucke, Age 42

...that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable.
- Shewolf, Age 36

...some things never change, some things should be changed, some
things can't be changed, and sometimes after you change things,
you wish you hadn't! - Doreen, Age 34

...if you ever get in a fight with a woman, plead insanity.
They will not argue with that. - Kevin, Age 15

[thedrifter]

On Time for Church




A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"

[thedrifter]

The Only Stupid Question...




The only stupid question is the one that is never asked. Except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ed Palmer]

Begin Attached Message---
> Priorities Change With Age ~~~
> Senior citizen to his eighty-year old buddy,
> "So I hear you are getting married?"
> "Yep!"
> "This woman, is she good looking?"
> "Not really."
> "Is she a good cook?"
> "Naw, she can't cook too well."
> "Does she have lots of money?"
> "No, poor as a church mouse."
> "Well then, is she good in bed?"
> "I don't know."
> "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
> "She can still drive."

[thedrifter]

Keys

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

[thedrifter]

Jigsaw

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a
problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together,
and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets
to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Paddy" He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him
the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "Murphy you
idiot, put the Cornflakes back in the packet."

[thedrifter]

Sick and tired

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing
a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[thedrifter]

Stolen engine

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.

[thedrifter]

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

[thedrifter]

A lot to live for

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

[thedrifter]

Oops!


"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

[thedrifter]

Oops!


Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

[thedrifter]

Open Please




When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."


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[thedrifter]

Opening a Can


As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

[thedrifter]

The Operation




A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

[thedrifter]

The Operation

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[thedrifter]

If Operating Systems Were Beers


DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon
to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so
you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or
a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors
are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.


The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.

[thedrifter]

Optimist and Pessimist




Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

[thedrifter]

Optimist, Pessimist, and Engineer


The optimist: This glass is half full.

The pessimist: This glass is half empty.

The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.


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[thedrifter]

Orchestral Managed Care




The president of a large managed health care facility also served on the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:

The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:

A. The attendance of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.

B. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.

C. All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality.

D. Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to eighths. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.

E. No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by the utilization review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony!


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[thedrifter]

Drinking Buddies


There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

[thedrifter]

Such a Proposition


The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"

[thedrifter]

Martooni

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

[thedrifter]

It Opens at Noon


At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Morning After


Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "**** on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[thedrifter]

New FDA Alcohol Warnings for Booze Bottles
[

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[usmc4669]

A Marine aviator walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?".

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.".

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?".

The Marine aviator responds, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.".

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?".

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties....".

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!".

The Marine aviator smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.".

[thedrifter]

Organized?


My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."

[thedrifter]

The Origin of Pets


It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

[thedrifter]

Ot Yet?


I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

[thedrifter]

Outrunning A Ghost




There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[thedrifter]

Overboard!




On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell MAN OVERBOARD!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

[thedrifter]

Overbooked Plane


We can't verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more resourceful about supplementing their incomes...

A reader reports that, while sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Overdue Bill


A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

[thedrifter]

Owl Calling




"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them.

[thedrifter]

The Owl and the Cow




An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:

The bird I am going to write about is the Owl.

The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pack a Parachute




A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[Marine ISP]

Standing Guard at the White House shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." At that the Marine snapped to attention, and said, "See you tomorrow."

[thedrifter]

You Are My First


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[thedrifter]

Have you Been Fooling Around on Me?


There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

[thedrifter]

Is this your husband?


After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

[thedrifter]

A Big Surprise


Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

[thedrifter]

The Packing Slip


This packing notice was included in the packaging of a SCSI drive
shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A
POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida
Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
Eastern Europe.


Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody
cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret and not
Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-
Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO
JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a
large occurrence! However. If this in not trouble, such
rotations a very maintenance action, as kindly (something)
virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves
and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

[thedrifter]

The Pager


A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Paid by the Week


A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[thedrifter]

Pain

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"

[thedrifter]

The Painting


Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.

As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.

Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.

On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."

As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail.

Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.

A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.

During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched.

He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief.

The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received.

The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.

Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.

Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell.

Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"

The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Paint Store


After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

"Don't come back here," he begged.

[thedrifter]

Panty Hose


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Parachute Paradigm




You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code
red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives
who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate si