Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Public Servant




"Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

[thedrifter]

Psychology Course


During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

[thedrifter]

Psychic Phenomena




We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

[thedrifter]

Punctuality




For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[thedrifter]

Punctuation


A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[thedrifter]

Puppy Love


My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

[thedrifter]

Put a Lid on It!


A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

[thedrifter]

Things Prison Guards Hate

* Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

* Coming up with one too many during a head count.

* Having to break up a fight in the shower.

* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.

* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

[thedrifter]

Things Not To Say To A Policeman

* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

* Sorry, Officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

* Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

* Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

* I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

* You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

* Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

* Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

* I pay your salary!

* Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

* No, YOU assume the position.

* I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

* If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

* No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

* No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

* Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

* Want to race to the station, Sparky?

* I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

* On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

* You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

* Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

* Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

* How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

* Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?

* What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

* I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

[thedrifter]

The Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ...twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

[thedrifter]

As If...

A lawyer newly hired by the Vatican was asked to join the Pope on a fishing trip.

As they drifted on the still lake, the lawyer accidentally dropped an oar in the water and watched as it floated away. The Pope stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.

The next day at the office, a colleague asked the attorney if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope, since it must have been a truly amazing experience.

"It was Ok," the lawyer replied, "But would you believe that guy can't swim?"

[thedrifter]

Another One Bites The Dust

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer

[HardJedi]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.


It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[thedrifter]

Quack!




My company had just purchased a computerized mail-delivery machine, which would run on a chemical "track," make stops at designated areas and then continue on its route. On its first day, it emerged from the vice-president's office with red and blue lights flashing.

But the thing was also making a strange noise. As it neared and then passed us, we saw why. The office prankster had attached a child's pull toy to the back of the machine. The noise we heard was the quack, quack, quack of a little yellow duck.

[thedrifter]

Quality Pilots


I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

[thedrifter]

Quarters Needed




On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

[thedrifter]

Questionaire


An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

[thedrifter]

Quiet in Church



A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Rabbit's Thesis




One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.

"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

[thedrifter]

Rabbits

(Be warned, you are entering a pun zone!)


A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.

[thedrifter]

Radio Shack


Do those guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Radio Shack buying a printer cable adapter and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh ... just like it sounds," I said non-chalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me ... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.

[thedrifter]

The Ranch




A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

[thedrifter]

Rattlesnakes


Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

[Saurian'sEdge]

:marine: Too funny, but common sense sometimes beats ingrained behavior.:D

[thedrifter]

Troubled Man

This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks "Hey buddy did you have a long day?"

The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies "No i just found out my son is gay too."

The bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves.

The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks "Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?"

The man forcefully replies "Well apparently my wife does!"

[thedrifter]

Vibrator Husband

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

[thedrifter]

Out Of The Closet

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

[thedrifter]

Secret Box

Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[thedrifter]

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[thedrifter]

The Mime And The Lion

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[thedrifter]

Reading That?


The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City.

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

[thedrifter]

Real Estate Ad Phrases (What They Really Mean)

CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.

[thedrifter]

Real Faith




A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 2




On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

[thedrifter]

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 3



* On a lawnmower:
"WARNING: WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING - THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

* Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."

* On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."

* On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
"For best results, start with a clean bathtub before use."

* On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."

* Found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"

* Warning on a curling iron:
"Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice."

* On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from
concentrate."

* On the label of a Sterno candle fuel:
"Do not use near fire or flame."

* Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

* On a baby stroller:
"Remove child before folding."

[thedrifter]

The REAL Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[thedrifter]

Real Pearls?


Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.

The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

[thedrifter]

Really Important Stuff (My Kids Have Taught Me)


1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

[thedrifter]

Reasons Why Dogs Do Not Use Computers!


10. to op OHQ05 rxd6TTO /6T Y#} P3E2Wq/g (It is too hard to type with paws)

9. Sit and stay were hard enough. Delete and save is out of the question!

8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he's been browsing.

5. Fire hydrant icon is frustrating.

4. Can't help attacking screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail".

3. Too messy to mark every website he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Cannot stick his head out of WINDOWS 98.

[Ed Palmer]

Bobbitt Update:

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....








(scroll down)








Misdewiener



OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Texans in Heaven


Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbeque sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

[thedrifter]

Bar riddle

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar,
an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly
manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If
you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you
buy ME one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't
my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.
Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the
Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies,
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll
buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair
enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It
vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

[thedrifter]

Do you see....

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The
teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The
teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the
sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw
the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't
there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some
questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

[thedrifter]

A Polish Mother Writing To Her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this
letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't
know the house when you come home - we've moved.

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred
men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in,
but it isn't working too good. Last week I put fourteen shirts into it,
pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirt since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt
or uncle.

Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin
Brewery. Some of his workmates dived to save him, but he fought
them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to
put out the fire.

Your cousin Stash has a good job doing construction work. Up
until then he thought manual labor was a Mexican.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle
of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going till New Year's
Day. By the way, he received the shirt you sent with his initials on
the sleeve. He said it was the first monogrammed handkerchief he
ever owned.

It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four
days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same
egg four times.

We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last
installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days,
up she comes.

Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you ten dollars but I had already sealed the
envelope.
P.P.S. If you don't receive this letter, let me know right away.

[thedrifter]

My friend is coming for supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home
for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping,
all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[thedrifter]

A Recent Flight


On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Recognize Me?

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Rednecks and Computers




You Know the computer belongs to a Redneck if....

1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12.The monitor is up on blocks.
13.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
16.The six front keys have rotted out.
17.John Deer Pocket Protectors.

[thedrifter]

Reference Questions




This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
thread that ran on LIBSUP-L, the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv
in July 1997. Names and locations have been deleted partly because
it was a lot easier to do it that way and partly to protect the
reputations of all concerned. All of these situations are real and
some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, Waltzing through Grand
Rapids." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a
desk who had a sign hanging above her head.
The sign said "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost
$39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
National Park Sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus,
King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important
stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm
having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me
back to jail for a couple of months."

===

Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"

===

Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot
to write down the author and title. It's big and red and I found it
on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in the
[non-existent] third sub-basement."

Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book the
first time?"

=====
In an art library:
Patron: Do you have any books on Art?
Ref: Yes. Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or
style in mind?
Patron: No.
Ref: I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and see
if you find anything.
Patron: OK.

=====

Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up:
"No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

=====

Telephone patron: Do you have books on leaves?
Library worker: Nope, we keep them on shelves.
(She then hung up. Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference duty?)

=====

Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. It's all blue with
swirly stars on it. Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
Ref: "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the bottom?
It does? Well, what you have there is a poster that they sell in the
gift shop. I think they're about $10.00."

=====

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"

[thedrifter]

Reflections of a Kiss

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them at the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[thedrifter]

Reforming Santa (2014 A.D.)


(Dec 19, 1996 01:54 a.m. EST) -- NEWS ITEM: Santa’s reindeer have been barred from the Christmas Pageant for Peace, Washington’s official holiday display. The National Park Service agreed to remove Dasher, Prancer & Co. following complaints from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — PETA — an animal-rights group. Associated Press, Dec. 13, 1996

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hard to believe now, but it wasn’t until 1996 - just 18 years ago — that the rehabilitation of Santa Claus began in earnest. PETA’s effortless victory in excluding Santa’s reindeer from the national Christmas pageant that year encouraged other progressive organizations to mount challenges of their own.

The Ms. Foundation and the National Organization for Women were among the first to follow in PETA’s footsteps. Early in 1997, they issued a joint report blasting "the patriarchal hegemony that taints everything connected with Santa Claus." Newspapers and retailers were urged to drop the term "Father Christmas." Illustrators were pressured to break the glass ceiling that had kept Mrs. Claus suppressed for so long. Some Yuletide decorations for the first time portrayed Santa as female, and scenes of Santa’s North Pole workshop started depicting female elves in positions of authority.

The workshop itself soon came under attack. In a scathing "60 Minutes" expose, Santa’s operation was characterized as a sweatshop, with numerous violations of OSHA standards and elves forced to work double shifts. "Elves are people, too," fumed former Labor Secretary Robert Reich in a New York Times op-ed column, "Employers like Santa Claus make it clear why we must strengthen the Family and Medical Leave Act."

In June 1999 came Bill McKibben’s influential cover story in The Atlantic Monthly. "The Predator at the Pole" electrified environmental activists, who launched a global campaign to end Santa’s despoliation of the northern Arctic wilderness. At its national convention the following year, the Sierra Club pronounced Santa Claus "Environmental Enemy No. 1." President Al Gore — who had assumed office after the impeachment of Bill Clinton — delivered the keynote address, vowing a federal crusade to "put a halt to Santa’s ecological crimes now and forever."

Few pundits paid attention when Louis Farrakhan ranted to the 900 attendees at the Sixth Annual Million Man March that Santa Claus was a "relic of white supremacy." But once NAACP President Kweisi Mfume released statistics showing that blacks and Hispanics were 47 percent less likely than whites to live in homes with chimneys, Santa’s racism became apparent. In November 2001, the National Education Association adopted a resolution condemning Santa Claus as "Eurocentric and closed-minded" and disapproving his "obsession with rigid value judgments like 'naughty' and 'nice'." Before long, all references to Santa were excised from public school curricula. Today, of course, children venerate a far more inclusive and multicultural figure: Frosty the Person of Snow.

Meanwhile, municipal officials in Madison, Wisconsin, and Oakland, Calififornia, had sued Santa Claus in the first of what would become a wave of noise-pollution lawsuits. The increasingly unpopular holiday icon was charged with violating sound-abatement ordinances during his Christmas Eve toy deliveries. Santa denied the charges, but the evidence given by homeowners was overwhelmingly against him. As one witness, Clement Moore, put it: "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

By muzzling his reindeer and muffling his sleigh, Santa was able to continue his nocturnal Dec. 24 rounds for a few more seasons. But he was welcomed in fewer and fewer places. Domestic-violence activists accused him of being a stalker. In several communities, restraining orders were issued. "Maybe Santa hasn’t hurt anybody yet," said one leading women's advocate, Stacy Kabat, in a CNN interview with Larry King. "But he’s obviously a menace. He snoops around homes at night, he keeps dossiers on people's behavior, he warns that they 'better watch out' because he’s 'coming to town.' The guy is dangerous. He needs therapy."

By 2005, "BEWARE" posters with Santa’s photograph were a common sight in US malls every December. Needless to say, the Santa shown in the poster had changed markedly since 1996. For one thing, his suits were no longer trimmed with fur. After demonstrators led by model Christy Turlington hurled red paint at him during an appearance at Radio City Music Hall, Santa switched to an all-synthetics wardrobe.

Nor was Santa seen anymore with a pipe in his mouth, puffing second-hand smoke as in days of old: The Food and Drug Administration had seen to that. He was no longer fat, either. When the Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a blistering report on Santa's eating habits, it marked the end of his Christmas Eve snacks. The milk and cookies disappeared.

But the biggest change of all was in Santa’s expression. In olden times, he always had a jolly laugh; his eyes were always twinkling. Today, Santa is enlightened, sensitive, and politically correct. But for some strange reason, he never smiles.

(Jeff Jacoby is a columnist for the Boston Globe. His e-mail address is jacoby@nws.globe.com).

JEFF JACOBY: Reforming Santa

Copyright © 1996 Nando.net
Copyright © 1996 The Boston Globe

[thedrifter]

Refrigerator




A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."

"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

[thedrifter]

Reincarnation




In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."

"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.

"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."

[thedrifter]

Reindeer For Sale

FOR SALE

Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.

Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole

[thedrifter]

Relaxation Technique


Feeling Stressed Out?


Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.

Why lookie there... what a pleasant surprise... It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now... feeling better?

[thedrifter]

Religions R'Us




Comparison of Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.

[thedrifter]

The smuggler

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.

"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the guard.

"To visit my mother, Sir."

"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.

"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you."

"Yes, of course" replied the young man.

"But what were you smuggling?"

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. "Bicycles" he replied.

[thedrifter]

World's best salesman

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."

"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

[thedrifter]

Engineers vs. Managers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[thedrifter]

Paycheck

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[thedrifter]

One Day Off

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

[thedrifter]

Sealing Matter

About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.

The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...

Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit.

[usmc4669]

Dear Uncle Ralph,



I got something that really bugs me. It happened again this week when we were at one of the finer restaurants in town. My husband and I have been arguing over it ever since. We agreed to let you tell us how it should be.



Here’s the problem. We were eating in Hardies and my husband leaned over to the next table and said, “Dude, you gonna eat that?” I was extremely embarrassed. He even ending up eating the guys last few Freedom Fries*. [*Editors note: we change the name here to flip the bird to the French]



Can you tell him how wrong that was? He doesn’t see anything wrong with it.



Embarrassed in Kansas

Taneel





Dear Taneel,



You have a right to be embarrassed. It was very rude of your husband. So you win this one.



He should have said “Excuse me.” first. Some people’s mama’s don’t teach people right.



Uncle Ralph

[thedrifter]

- Old is When......

Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

A young babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to go use the bathroom!

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

[thedrifter]

Report Card Time


The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said.......
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't get better grades.......
somebody is going to get a spanking........."

[thedrifter]

Resumania

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

** "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

** "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

** "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

** "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

** "I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

** "I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

** "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

** "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

** "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

** "Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

** "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

** "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

** "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

[thedrifter]

Job Resumes


[These are real examples from real resumes]

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try
stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts
that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.

[thedrifter]

Resignation as an Adult




I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult:

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So, here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause "Tag! You're it!"

[thedrifter]

Remote Shopping




"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[thedrifter]

Useful Research Phrases




"It has long been known" . . .
[I didn't look up the original reference.]

"A definite trend is evident" . . .
[These data are practically meaningless.]

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . .
[Interesting to me.]

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers
to these questions" . . .
[An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.]

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . .
[The results of the others didn't make any sense.]

"Typical results are shown" . . .
[The best results are shown.]

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . .
[I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.]

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . .
[He was my graduate assistant.]

"It is believed that" . . .
[I think]

"It is generally believed that" . . .
[A couple of other guys think so, too.]

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before
a complete understanding occurs" . . .
[I don't understand it.]

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . .
[Wrong]

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further
investigations in this field" . . .
[This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on
this miserable topic.]

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the
experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . .
[Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.]

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . .
[Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over
a glass of beer.]

[thedrifter]

Retired Engineer




There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark .............................. $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark ... $49,999

[thedrifter]

The Reverend's Wife




The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[thedrifter]

Reversal of Fortune


Dearest John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,
Linda

XXXOOOXXX

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[thedrifter]

Reward for Going to Temple




Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"

[thedrifter]

R.H.I.P.


As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

[thedrifter]

Rhode's Law




When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.

[thedrifter]

A Riddle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I found out later that this was in an episode of the old Batman TV series of the 60's. The Riddler asked Batman this riddle....and Adam West, as Batman, got it in no time at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three people are on a boat on the ocean. They have a pack of cigarettes and want to smoke, but they have no matches or lighter or magnifying glass or even two sticks they could rub together. But they still manage to smoke. How do they do it?

Page down for the answer, but don't look for anything logical here!

And be prepared to groan!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


They opened the pack of cigarettes, threw one cigarette overboard, and that made the boat a cigarette lighter.

[thedrifter]

A Riddle 2


A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

(Scroll down for the answer)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The third room is the safest. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

(You didn't groan too much, did you?)

[thedrifter]

Riders


A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

[thedrifter]

Racehorses

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[thedrifter]

Qs & As

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Gatorade.

Q. What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
A. Luna-ticks.

Q: What did the frog collector say when he went to the doctor?
A: Wart's up, doc."

Q: What did the man call his obedient frog?
A: One who toad the line

[thedrifter]

Rottweiler

A lady and her dog were enjoying a lovely stroll in the park. All of a sudden, her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rottie was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog and he certainly can dish it out, but he sure can't take it."

[thedrifter]

Ferdinand The Bull

Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.

"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."

[thedrifter]

Children As Pets

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears.

You won't see it again until it gets hungry. Then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

[thedrifter]

Basic Rules For Dogs - Part I

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

[thedrifter]

Basic Rules for Dogs - Part II

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe

[thedrifter]

Riding a Horse




Son: Gee,Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse's neck!"

Father: That's nothing, son. I did all that, and more, the first time I ever rode a horse!

[thedrifter]

The Right Card




A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Right Hand Over Your Heart


Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.

As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance... to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

[thedrifter]

Righteous Life

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.

"Teeth will be provided!"

[thedrifter]

Ring-A-Ding




A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

[thedrifter]

Road Closed




They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:
ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:


TOLD YOU SO!

[thedrifter]

Robbery Lesson


A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

[thedrifter]

Romantic Dinner


On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

[thedrifter]

Rookie Landing


As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[thedrifter]

Rough Landing?




A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.

"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

[thedrifter]

Young Lad goes to the Pharmacy...

A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.

"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"

"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting."

"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."

&qu