Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Public Servant




"Give me a sentence about a public servant", said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure", said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

[thedrifter]

Psychology Course


During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

[thedrifter]

Psychic Phenomena




We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

[thedrifter]

Punctuality




For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[thedrifter]

Punctuation


A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[thedrifter]

Puppy Love


My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

[thedrifter]

Put a Lid on It!


A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

[thedrifter]

Things Prison Guards Hate

* Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

* Coming up with one too many during a head count.

* Having to break up a fight in the shower.

* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.

* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

[thedrifter]

Things Not To Say To A Policeman

* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

* Sorry, Officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

* Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

* Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

* I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

* You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

* Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

* Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

* I pay your salary!

* Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

* No, YOU assume the position.

* I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

* If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

* No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

* No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

* Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

* Want to race to the station, Sparky?

* I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

* On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

* You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

* Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

* Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

* How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

* Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?

* What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

* I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

[thedrifter]

The Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ...twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

[thedrifter]

As If...

A lawyer newly hired by the Vatican was asked to join the Pope on a fishing trip.

As they drifted on the still lake, the lawyer accidentally dropped an oar in the water and watched as it floated away. The Pope stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat.

The next day at the office, a colleague asked the attorney if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope, since it must have been a truly amazing experience.

"It was Ok," the lawyer replied, "But would you believe that guy can't swim?"

[thedrifter]

Another One Bites The Dust

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer

[HardJedi]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 5 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.


It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[thedrifter]

Quack!




My company had just purchased a computerized mail-delivery machine, which would run on a chemical "track," make stops at designated areas and then continue on its route. On its first day, it emerged from the vice-president's office with red and blue lights flashing.

But the thing was also making a strange noise. As it neared and then passed us, we saw why. The office prankster had attached a child's pull toy to the back of the machine. The noise we heard was the quack, quack, quack of a little yellow duck.

[thedrifter]

Quality Pilots


I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

[thedrifter]

Quarters Needed




On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

[thedrifter]

Questionaire


An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

[thedrifter]

Quiet in Church



A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Rabbit's Thesis




One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.

"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

[thedrifter]

Rabbits

(Be warned, you are entering a pun zone!)


A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.

[thedrifter]

Radio Shack


Do those guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Radio Shack buying a printer cable adapter and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh ... just like it sounds," I said non-chalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me ... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack.

[thedrifter]

The Ranch




A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

[thedrifter]

Rattlesnakes


Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

[Saurian'sEdge]

:marine: Too funny, but common sense sometimes beats ingrained behavior.:D

[thedrifter]

Troubled Man

This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks "Hey buddy did you have a long day?"

The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies "No i just found out my son is gay too."

The bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves.

The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks "Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?"

The man forcefully replies "Well apparently my wife does!"

[thedrifter]

Vibrator Husband

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

[thedrifter]

Out Of The Closet

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

[thedrifter]

Secret Box

Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[thedrifter]

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[thedrifter]

The Mime And The Lion

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[thedrifter]

Reading That?


The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City.

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

[thedrifter]

Real Estate Ad Phrases (What They Really Mean)

CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.

[thedrifter]

Real Faith




A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."


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[thedrifter]

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 2




On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

[thedrifter]

Real Labels - Real Products, Part 3



* On a lawnmower:
"WARNING: WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING - THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

* Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."

* On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."

* On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
"For best results, start with a clean bathtub before use."

* On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."

* Found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"

* Warning on a curling iron:
"Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice."

* On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from
concentrate."

* On the label of a Sterno candle fuel:
"Do not use near fire or flame."

* Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

* On a baby stroller:
"Remove child before folding."

[thedrifter]

The REAL Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[thedrifter]

Real Pearls?


Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.

The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

[thedrifter]

Really Important Stuff (My Kids Have Taught Me)


1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

[thedrifter]

Reasons Why Dogs Do Not Use Computers!


10. to op OHQ05 rxd6TTO /6T Y#} P3E2Wq/g (It is too hard to type with paws)

9. Sit and stay were hard enough. Delete and save is out of the question!

8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal paw syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he's been browsing.

5. Fire hydrant icon is frustrating.

4. Can't help attacking screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail".

3. Too messy to mark every website he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Cannot stick his head out of WINDOWS 98.

[Ed Palmer]

Bobbitt Update:

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....








(scroll down)








Misdewiener



OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Texans in Heaven


Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbeque sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

[thedrifter]

Bar riddle

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar,
an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly
manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If
you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you
buy ME one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't
my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.
Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the
Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies,
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll
buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair
enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It
vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

[thedrifter]

Do you see....

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The
teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The
teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the
sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw
the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't
there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some
questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

[thedrifter]

A Polish Mother Writing To Her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this
letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't
know the house when you come home - we've moved.

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred
men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in,
but it isn't working too good. Last week I put fourteen shirts into it,
pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirt since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt
or uncle.

Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin
Brewery. Some of his workmates dived to save him, but he fought
them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to
put out the fire.

Your cousin Stash has a good job doing construction work. Up
until then he thought manual labor was a Mexican.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle
of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going till New Year's
Day. By the way, he received the shirt you sent with his initials on
the sleeve. He said it was the first monogrammed handkerchief he
ever owned.

It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four
days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same
egg four times.

We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last
installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days,
up she comes.

Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you ten dollars but I had already sealed the
envelope.
P.P.S. If you don't receive this letter, let me know right away.

[thedrifter]

My friend is coming for supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home
for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping,
all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[thedrifter]

A Recent Flight


On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Recognize Me?

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Rednecks and Computers




You Know the computer belongs to a Redneck if....

1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12.The monitor is up on blocks.
13.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
16.The six front keys have rotted out.
17.John Deer Pocket Protectors.

[thedrifter]

Reference Questions




This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
thread that ran on LIBSUP-L, the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv
in July 1997. Names and locations have been deleted partly because
it was a lot easier to do it that way and partly to protect the
reputations of all concerned. All of these situations are real and
some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, Waltzing through Grand
Rapids." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a
desk who had a sign hanging above her head.
The sign said "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost
$39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
National Park Sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus,
King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important
stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm
having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me
back to jail for a couple of months."

===

Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"

===

Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot
to write down the author and title. It's big and red and I found it
on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in the
[non-existent] third sub-basement."

Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book the
first time?"

=====
In an art library:
Patron: Do you have any books on Art?
Ref: Yes. Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or
style in mind?
Patron: No.
Ref: I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and see
if you find anything.
Patron: OK.

=====

Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up:
"No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

=====

Telephone patron: Do you have books on leaves?
Library worker: Nope, we keep them on shelves.
(She then hung up. Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference duty?)

=====

Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. It's all blue with
swirly stars on it. Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
Ref: "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the bottom?
It does? Well, what you have there is a poster that they sell in the
gift shop. I think they're about $10.00."

=====

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"

[thedrifter]

Reflections of a Kiss

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them at the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[thedrifter]

Reforming Santa (2014 A.D.)


(Dec 19, 1996 01:54 a.m. EST) -- NEWS ITEM: Santa’s reindeer have been barred from the Christmas Pageant for Peace, Washington’s official holiday display. The National Park Service agreed to remove Dasher, Prancer & Co. following complaints from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — PETA — an animal-rights group. Associated Press, Dec. 13, 1996

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hard to believe now, but it wasn’t until 1996 - just 18 years ago — that the rehabilitation of Santa Claus began in earnest. PETA’s effortless victory in excluding Santa’s reindeer from the national Christmas pageant that year encouraged other progressive organizations to mount challenges of their own.

The Ms. Foundation and the National Organization for Women were among the first to follow in PETA’s footsteps. Early in 1997, they issued a joint report blasting "the patriarchal hegemony that taints everything connected with Santa Claus." Newspapers and retailers were urged to drop the term "Father Christmas." Illustrators were pressured to break the glass ceiling that had kept Mrs. Claus suppressed for so long. Some Yuletide decorations for the first time portrayed Santa as female, and scenes of Santa’s North Pole workshop started depicting female elves in positions of authority.

The workshop itself soon came under attack. In a scathing "60 Minutes" expose, Santa’s operation was characterized as a sweatshop, with numerous violations of OSHA standards and elves forced to work double shifts. "Elves are people, too," fumed former Labor Secretary Robert Reich in a New York Times op-ed column, "Employers like Santa Claus make it clear why we must strengthen the Family and Medical Leave Act."

In June 1999 came Bill McKibben’s influential cover story in The Atlantic Monthly. "The Predator at the Pole" electrified environmental activists, who launched a global campaign to end Santa’s despoliation of the northern Arctic wilderness. At its national convention the following year, the Sierra Club pronounced Santa Claus "Environmental Enemy No. 1." President Al Gore — who had assumed office after the impeachment of Bill Clinton — delivered the keynote address, vowing a federal crusade to "put a halt to Santa’s ecological crimes now and forever."

Few pundits paid attention when Louis Farrakhan ranted to the 900 attendees at the Sixth Annual Million Man March that Santa Claus was a "relic of white supremacy." But once NAACP President Kweisi Mfume released statistics showing that blacks and Hispanics were 47 percent less likely than whites to live in homes with chimneys, Santa’s racism became apparent. In November 2001, the National Education Association adopted a resolution condemning Santa Claus as "Eurocentric and closed-minded" and disapproving his "obsession with rigid value judgments like 'naughty' and 'nice'." Before long, all references to Santa were excised from public school curricula. Today, of course, children venerate a far more inclusive and multicultural figure: Frosty the Person of Snow.

Meanwhile, municipal officials in Madison, Wisconsin, and Oakland, Calififornia, had sued Santa Claus in the first of what would become a wave of noise-pollution lawsuits. The increasingly unpopular holiday icon was charged with violating sound-abatement ordinances during his Christmas Eve toy deliveries. Santa denied the charges, but the evidence given by homeowners was overwhelmingly against him. As one witness, Clement Moore, put it: "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

By muzzling his reindeer and muffling his sleigh, Santa was able to continue his nocturnal Dec. 24 rounds for a few more seasons. But he was welcomed in fewer and fewer places. Domestic-violence activists accused him of being a stalker. In several communities, restraining orders were issued. "Maybe Santa hasn’t hurt anybody yet," said one leading women's advocate, Stacy Kabat, in a CNN interview with Larry King. "But he’s obviously a menace. He snoops around homes at night, he keeps dossiers on people's behavior, he warns that they 'better watch out' because he’s 'coming to town.' The guy is dangerous. He needs therapy."

By 2005, "BEWARE" posters with Santa’s photograph were a common sight in US malls every December. Needless to say, the Santa shown in the poster had changed markedly since 1996. For one thing, his suits were no longer trimmed with fur. After demonstrators led by model Christy Turlington hurled red paint at him during an appearance at Radio City Music Hall, Santa switched to an all-synthetics wardrobe.

Nor was Santa seen anymore with a pipe in his mouth, puffing second-hand smoke as in days of old: The Food and Drug Administration had seen to that. He was no longer fat, either. When the Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a blistering report on Santa's eating habits, it marked the end of his Christmas Eve snacks. The milk and cookies disappeared.

But the biggest change of all was in Santa’s expression. In olden times, he always had a jolly laugh; his eyes were always twinkling. Today, Santa is enlightened, sensitive, and politically correct. But for some strange reason, he never smiles.

(Jeff Jacoby is a columnist for the Boston Globe. His e-mail address is jacoby@nws.globe.com).

JEFF JACOBY: Reforming Santa

Copyright © 1996 Nando.net
Copyright © 1996 The Boston Globe

[thedrifter]

Refrigerator




A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."

"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

[thedrifter]

Reincarnation




In the faculty lounge of an excellent elementary school, some teachers were talking about reincarnation. One teacher remarked "If there's anything to the idea of reincarnation, I know what I'd like to come back as."

"Oh, tell us what," said a couple of colleagues.

"I'd like to come back," said the teacher, "as a childhood disease."

[thedrifter]

Reindeer For Sale

FOR SALE

Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.

Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole

[thedrifter]

Relaxation Technique


Feeling Stressed Out?


Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under water.

Why lookie there... what a pleasant surprise... It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now... feeling better?

[thedrifter]

Religions R'Us




Comparison of Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.

[thedrifter]

The smuggler

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.

"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the guard.

"To visit my mother, Sir."

"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.

"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you."

"Yes, of course" replied the young man.

"But what were you smuggling?"

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. "Bicycles" he replied.

[thedrifter]

World's best salesman

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."

"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

[thedrifter]

Engineers vs. Managers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[thedrifter]

Paycheck

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

[thedrifter]

One Day Off

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

[thedrifter]

Sealing Matter

About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.

The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...

Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit.

[usmc4669]

Dear Uncle Ralph,



I got something that really bugs me. It happened again this week when we were at one of the finer restaurants in town. My husband and I have been arguing over it ever since. We agreed to let you tell us how it should be.



Here’s the problem. We were eating in Hardies and my husband leaned over to the next table and said, “Dude, you gonna eat that?” I was extremely embarrassed. He even ending up eating the guys last few Freedom Fries*. [*Editors note: we change the name here to flip the bird to the French]



Can you tell him how wrong that was? He doesn’t see anything wrong with it.



Embarrassed in Kansas

Taneel





Dear Taneel,



You have a right to be embarrassed. It was very rude of your husband. So you win this one.



He should have said “Excuse me.” first. Some people’s mama’s don’t teach people right.



Uncle Ralph

[thedrifter]

- Old is When......

Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

A young babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to go use the bathroom!

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

[thedrifter]

Report Card Time


The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said.......
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't get better grades.......
somebody is going to get a spanking........."

[thedrifter]

Resumania

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

** "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

** "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

** "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

** "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

** "I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

** "I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

** "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

** "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

** "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

** "Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

** "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

** "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

** "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

[thedrifter]

Job Resumes


[These are real examples from real resumes]

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try
stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts
that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.

[thedrifter]

Resignation as an Adult




I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult:

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So, here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause "Tag! You're it!"

[thedrifter]

Remote Shopping




"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[thedrifter]

Useful Research Phrases




"It has long been known" . . .
[I didn't look up the original reference.]

"A definite trend is evident" . . .
[These data are practically meaningless.]

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . .
[Interesting to me.]

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers
to these questions" . . .
[An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.]

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . .
[The results of the others didn't make any sense.]

"Typical results are shown" . . .
[The best results are shown.]

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . .
[I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.]

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . .
[He was my graduate assistant.]

"It is believed that" . . .
[I think]

"It is generally believed that" . . .
[A couple of other guys think so, too.]

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before
a complete understanding occurs" . . .
[I don't understand it.]

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . .
[Wrong]

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further
investigations in this field" . . .
[This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on
this miserable topic.]

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the
experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . .
[Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.]

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . .
[Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over
a glass of beer.]

[thedrifter]

Retired Engineer




There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
Chalk mark .............................. $1
Knowing where to put the chalk mark ... $49,999

[thedrifter]

The Reverend's Wife




The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[thedrifter]

Reversal of Fortune


Dearest John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,
Linda

XXXOOOXXX

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[thedrifter]

Reward for Going to Temple




Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy."

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "No No No! That one's for tennis!"

[thedrifter]

R.H.I.P.


As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

[thedrifter]

Rhode's Law




When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.

[thedrifter]

A Riddle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I found out later that this was in an episode of the old Batman TV series of the 60's. The Riddler asked Batman this riddle....and Adam West, as Batman, got it in no time at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three people are on a boat on the ocean. They have a pack of cigarettes and want to smoke, but they have no matches or lighter or magnifying glass or even two sticks they could rub together. But they still manage to smoke. How do they do it?

Page down for the answer, but don't look for anything logical here!

And be prepared to groan!

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They opened the pack of cigarettes, threw one cigarette overboard, and that made the boat a cigarette lighter.

[thedrifter]

A Riddle 2


A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

(Scroll down for the answer)
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The third room is the safest. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

(You didn't groan too much, did you?)

[thedrifter]

Riders


A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

[thedrifter]

Racehorses

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[thedrifter]

Qs & As

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Gatorade.

Q. What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
A. Luna-ticks.

Q: What did the frog collector say when he went to the doctor?
A: Wart's up, doc."

Q: What did the man call his obedient frog?
A: One who toad the line

[thedrifter]

Rottweiler

A lady and her dog were enjoying a lovely stroll in the park. All of a sudden, her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rottie was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog and he certainly can dish it out, but he sure can't take it."

[thedrifter]

Ferdinand The Bull

Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.

"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."

[thedrifter]

Children As Pets

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears.

You won't see it again until it gets hungry. Then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

[thedrifter]

Basic Rules For Dogs - Part I

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

[thedrifter]

Basic Rules for Dogs - Part II

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe

[thedrifter]

Riding a Horse




Son: Gee,Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse's neck!"

Father: That's nothing, son. I did all that, and more, the first time I ever rode a horse!

[thedrifter]

The Right Card




A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"


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[thedrifter]

Right Hand Over Your Heart


Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.

As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance... to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

[thedrifter]

Righteous Life

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.

"Teeth will be provided!"

[thedrifter]

Ring-A-Ding




A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

[thedrifter]

Road Closed




They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:
ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:


TOLD YOU SO!

[thedrifter]

Robbery Lesson


A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

[thedrifter]

Romantic Dinner


On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

[thedrifter]

Rookie Landing


As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[thedrifter]

Rough Landing?




A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.

"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

[thedrifter]

Young Lad goes to the Pharmacy...

A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.

"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"

"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting."

"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."

"Why 3?", says the lad. "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks," replies the clerk.

"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.

"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk.

"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.

"Oh. You don't need that," says the clerk.

"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."

"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

[thedrifter]

Children's view of Love and Marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage??


"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.


"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??


"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??


"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??


"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??


"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7

[thedrifter]

If They Married...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy ("Saturday Night Live" writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

[thedrifter]

Strange/Stupid Sex Laws in the U.S.

*In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

*It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

*In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

*No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

*Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you, or holding you in his arms.

*Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

*In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

*The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

*An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

*A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

*In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

*However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

*It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car in investigate.

*Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

*Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

*In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

*A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

*Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

*No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed!

[thedrifter]

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride

actual article from 1894

On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:

GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.

Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and

is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she

should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

[thedrifter]

Round n' Round




While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place . . .

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

[thedrifter]

Rudolph the Red


Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring Russia. Their guide argued all the time. As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband said, "Look, it's snowing out."

The guide disagreed, "No, sir, it's raining out."

"I still think it's snowing," said Mr. Smith.

But his wife replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

[thedrifter]

Rudolph's Surgery (a groaner!)

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.

Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.


However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter.


So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.

[thedrifter]

The Ruler


Long before the term "attitude adjustment" came into being, I recall mom’s special ruler hanging from a nail in the kitchen next to the fly swatter. When I was bad, I got spanked; when I was *really* bad, my bottom would make sudden contact with the smooth-sanded tool.

Somewhere between Seattle and Tokyo, while crossing the Pacific in an ocean liner, I found mom’s ruler hiding inside our stateroom’s desk drawer.

Oh, what a discovery! Only four years old and I had already grasped the "IF-THEN" axiom concept: [IF] I was bad, [THEN] I got my bare buttocks smacked by that ruler.

Fortunately, there was a private laundry chute built right into the stateroom compartment wall, where passengers conveniently deposited their dirty laundry as well as other occasional items. What a shock it was when our fresh laundry was returned a day later with the uncommonly clean ruler sitting on the top of the pile.

"You lose something, Mrs. Lee?" asked the room steward, grinning.

"Not at all," replied mom, eyeing me in the way mothers sometimes do. "I just temporarily misplaced it."

(I SHOULD HAVE THROWN IT OVERBOARD.)

[thedrifter]

Rules for Being Human


1) You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period
this time around.

2) You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in
this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like
the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed"
experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
ultimately "works".

4) A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have
learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next
lesson.

5) Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are
alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another
"there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7) Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it
reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8) What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is
up to you. The choice is yours.

9) Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is
look, listen, and trust.

10) You will forget all this.

[thedrifter]

Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run




I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

VII. GUESTS: Check human house guests carefully to detect who might have an allergy, the more allergic the house guest, the closer you should stay. This will shorten the stay of the allergic human house guest and your owner can spend time with you as they should have been doing in the first place. If the human house guest has brought a guest-pet, be as rude as possible, hissing at an audible volume. This will let the guest-pet know s/he has been noticed and is unappreciated.

VIII. SINGING: Always schedule your performances between 2 and 3 AM so as to have the full attention of everyone in the household.

IX. GUILT. Cats have no guilt. Owners have guilt. Jewish owners have cornered the market on guilt but they sometimes will share. Guilt in owners equals treats for kitty. Guilt can be invoked in many ways such as giving your owner a pathetic look when s/he returns from work related travel or after your owner has shouted at you for having practiced an exercise in hampering.

X. FUR. Carefully examine and take note of the color of your coat. Your goal is to find contrast between your fur and a human's wardrobe. Black is especially good as all cat hair goes well with black. If your human is wearing tweed, don't bother. If you have dark fur, frolic on the light carpet and furniture, and vice versa. This rule also applies to hairballs, always deposit a hairball where it will leave a lasting impression. Never leave a hairball on a surface such as tile where it can be easily cleaned away.

[thedrifter]

Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect




NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

[thedrifter]

Rules for Teachers (circa 1915)




1. You will not marry during the term for your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m.
unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have
the permission of the chairman of the (school) board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man
unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must be not be any shorter than two inches
above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the
floor at least once daily, scrub the floor at least once a
week with hot, soapy water, clean the blackboards at least
once a day, and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will
be warm by 8 a.m.

[thedrifter]

Rules of Chocolate


1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

[thedrifter]

Rules for Work


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.

[thedrifter]

Rushed to the Hospital

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."

[thedrifter]

Ten Reasons Adam Was The Most Fortunate Man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

[thedrifter]

The Bible

There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did quite a bit of flying. However, flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One day she was sitting next to a man, and when he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to his reading. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there, do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

[thedrifter]

This Is A Compilation Of Actual Church Bulletins And Service Bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

-

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

-

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

-

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

-

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

-

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

-

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

-

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

-

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

-

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

-

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

-

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

-

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

-

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

-

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

-

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

-

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

-

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

-

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

-

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

-

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

[thedrifter]

The Little Angel

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles." "I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked. Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived.

The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance. The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, "...and the cat peed on the matches!"

[thedrifter]

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

-

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and
written in a large font.

-

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

-

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

-

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

-

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

-

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

-

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

[thedrifter]

The Cleaning Woman

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church. The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized.
"I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.

A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."

[thedrifter]

The Athiest And The Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds.

"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Then the Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness Monster become religious."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts up, atheist falling.

The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided...."

[thedrifter]

The First Parent - By Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't" "Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked jumping up and down excitedly." "It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" The First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno, " Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

[usmc4669]

Stacy, Ross, and Z are sitting on a porch shootin' the
breeze.
Stacy: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought
an air conditioner.."
Ross: "Why is that stupid?"
Stacy: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
Ross: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid,
she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"
Stacy: "why is what so stupid?"
Ross: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
Z:"that ain't nothin'! My wife is dumber
than both yer wives
put together!... I was going through her purse the
other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found some condoms in thar."
Stacy and Ross: "well what's so dumb about
that?"
Z: "She ain't got no pecker." :banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

ame That Christmas Tune


The following Christmas carols were written by government officials.
Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their
Belief
2. Embellish Interior Passageways
3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of
A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color
5. Soundless Nocturnal Period
6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural
7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others
8. Precious Metal Musical Devices
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished
Males
10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural
By The First Person Plural
13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize
14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant
Future
15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period
Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal
Period
17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea
Southwest Of Jerusalem

Answers: 1. O Come All Ye Faithful, 2. Deck The Halls,
3. The Little Drummer Boy, 4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, 5. Silent Night, 6. We Three Kings,
7. The First Noel, 8. Silver Bells, 9. God Rest Ye
Merry Gentlemen, 10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,
11. Let It Snow, 12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, 14. Santa Claus Is
Coming To Town, 15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,
16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,
17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem

[thedrifter]

Name the States .....


The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....

[thedrifter]

Naming the Suspects


The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."

[thedrifter]

Native Tongue




A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Nativity Scene




With Christmas closing in, I'm reminded of the time I was sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order. Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the figurines gathered 'round the manger:

... shepherd ... camel ... wise man ... wise man ...
Princess Leia in slave-girl outfit ... donkey ...
wise man ... Imperial Stormtrooper ... Yoda ...

I can only surmise that the tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene was the "Death Star O' Bethlehem."

[thedrifter]

Naval Efficiency


A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."

[thedrifter]

The Navy Experience




The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom

* * * * * *

I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.

2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.

13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.

27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.

28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.

[thedrifter]

Near Death Experience




A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

[thedrifter]

The Necklace


A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[thedrifter]

Need a Lift?




As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

[thedrifter]

Need a Lift? (ver 2)


An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


*** For the curious, a portiere is a porter or doorkeeper.

[thedrifter]

Watching The Game

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what is?"

"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."

[thedrifter]

How to make a decent shot on a cart path ?

Two guys of equal ability decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. The drive up for the second shot, and the first gentleman hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but the second guy slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path.", he says.

"Oh no," says guy 1, "We agreed. Play it as it lays."

So guy 2 drives guy 1 up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Guy 1 watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Guy 2 drives back to the green.

Guy 1: "Great shot back there! What club did you use?"

Guy 2: "Your six iron."

[thedrifter]

Safe Haven

A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, "Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?"

"No," replies the boy. "He beats me."

The social worker says, "Do you want to live with your mother?"

The boy says, "No, she beats me too."

"Well, then," asks the social worker, "Who do you want to live with?"

The boy answers, "The New Orleans Saints."

The social worker is taken aback. "The Saints? Why do you want to live with the New Orleans Saints?"

"Because," replies the boy, "They don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

All The Equipment

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. One morning, the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat and started on reading a book she had brought with her.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat -- pulls up alongside and asks, "What are you doing out here?"

She replies, "I'm just reading a book."

"Well, ma'am, this is a restricted area", he says. Then he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues, "You can't fish here, ma'am."

To which she replies, "I'm not fishing. I'm merely sitting here reading my book."

"But you have all this equipment; I will have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

"Why ... I didn't even touch you."

"No, you haven't, but you have all the equipment..."

[thedrifter]

The Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.

Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

First Base-This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base-Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base-Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run-This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...Standardized Guide to the Bases!

On Deck-Having plans for a date

Strike-Out-Duh!!

Walk-Kissing

Bunt-Masturbation

Single-Tongue kissing

Double-Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple-Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run-Oral Sex

Home Run-SEX!

Ground Rule Double-would have sex, but no condom

Error-Condom breaks during sex

Banned for life for gambling-sex without condom

Hall of Fame-Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

Balk-Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar-KY jelly

Relief pitcher-Vibrator

Rain Delay-parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats-Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch-Unusual positions

Rookie-Virgin

Minor Leagues-Under 18

Loaded Bases-manages a trio

Grand Slam-Sex four times in twelve hours

Foul tip-VD

Three up and three down-impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...

[thedrifter]

How to beat PGA Pros

The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent he agreed.

Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his drive hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.

At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost - his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for the second "gottcha"?

[thedrifter]

A Fishy Story

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[thedrifter]

Needed To Be Pushed....




A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....

[thedrifter]

Neighbors


Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"


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[thedrifter]

Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be


My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."


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[thedrifter]

Nervous Flyer


I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

[thedrifter]

Never Sick


Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

[thedrifter]

The New Baby


Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

[thedrifter]

New Bicycle


"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"


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[thedrifter]

The New Cook




The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."


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[thedrifter]

New Elingsh


Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[thedrifter]

The New Horse




A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!"

[thedrifter]

New House


A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

[thedrifter]

New House

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said.

"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.

But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

[thedrifter]

Anything for $100

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

[thedrifter]

Like mother's breasts

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

[thedrifter]

Out on the balcony

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[thedrifter]

Wooden leg

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

[thedrifter]

Waiting to be examined

A blonde a brunette and a redhead all in the doctors office waiting to be examined.
The redhead said "I'm having a boy" "Well how do you know?" they asked.
"I was on top" she answered
The brunette said "then I'm having a girl as I was on bottom"
The blonde started crying and screamed "Oh my, I'm having puppies!!"

[thedrifter]

New Improved Government

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Found posted at Inside Cover of NewsMax
(Hey, I'm not making this stuff up!)

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The Clinton Administration, for all its foibles, may have actually accomplished something in the field of "re-inventing government", according to a new book by Paul C. Light of the Brookings Institute entitled The True Size of Government. The Clinton/Gore team promised to downsize government in the inimitable style of Corporate America, and they seem to have done a grand job. While cutting a record 350,000 civil service jobs, they further "streamlined" government by adding 16 new administrative layers; as many as were created by the previous seven administrations combined.

As a public service, we are going to clarify a few of these vital job titles for you. First among the new positions is the Deputy Associate Deputy Secretary, who should not be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary, or the Assistant Deputy Assistant Secretary, both of whom report to the Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary and not the Deputy Associate Assistant Secretary, as some mistakenly believe.

The post of Associate Assistant Administrator has been lost; but that role has been ably filled by the Deputy Associate Deputy Administrator, not to be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Administrator, or for that matter, the Assistant Deputy Administrator, who, as you will remember, works under the Associate Deputy Administrator. We hope this has now enlightened those of you who were in the dark. And, in case you were considering applying for the job (and we know you were), there is no longer an Assistant Administrator Adjutant Deputy Associate Administrative Aide to the Deputy Associate Administrator.

We here at Inside Cover are speculating that this job still exists, but that it was sadly truncated by a non-conforming, 'mission-critical' computer in a bizarre Y2K accident. (We can only shudder to think what happened to the actual human being, if there was one, who occupied this essential civil post). (http://www.brook.edu)


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[thedrifter]

New Intel Chip




INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.

The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.

Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be released for the Very High End Computing sector. The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and supercomputer systems. The chip will have a slightly modified shape, color, and will be stackable. This project is code named Pringles(TM).

Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry insiders believe that the marketing hype for the Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorola's(TM) new chip is just too late and too underpowered compared to the Intel processor. In addition, the Tortilla(TM) is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip and is based upon a very different technology.

[thedrifter]

The New Librarian




The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

[thedrifter]

New in the Marketplace for this Holiday Season


Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: booklets on sexual responsibility and accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump (all optional), underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

[thedrifter]

New Model


"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

[thedrifter]

The New Nurse


A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[thedrifter]

The New Pastor 1


Pastor Jim was called to serve a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping and I felt it would be nice to have fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pasor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.

When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "What is a Pinata"?

[thedrifter]

The New Pastor


The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"

[thedrifter]

New Perfume


After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

[thedrifter]

New Rules of Golf


(1) Each golfer receives 2 mulligans, to be taken anywhere except in a sand trap or on the green, for every nine holes played without penalty, unless the golfer needs more.

(2) Whenever not on the green or in a sand trap the golfer may move the ball 2 club head lengths, unless really in trouble in which case the golfer may move the ball two club lengths, in any direction.

(3) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from that point. Preferably atop a firm tuft of grass.

(4) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is somewhere on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else. Therefore it becomes a stolen ball. You should not compound the felony by charging yourself with a penalty stroke.

(5) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in atmosphere without support must drop. The laws of gravity supercede the laws of golf.

(6) The same thing holds for a ball that stops at the brink of a hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law! Same rule applies to a ball that rims a cup. A ball moving sideways defies the law of physics.

[thedrifter]

New Secretary




The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

[thedrifter]

The New Sitter


Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.

So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.

"But I thought you said your mother always has hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise.

"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."

[thedrifter]

New Teacher


It was the first day at school. The students were all in their seats, waiting for the new teacher to start.

The teacher stands up, and says, "Whoever in here thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

The students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy stood up.

"Do you think you're stupid?" asked the teacher.

"No, said the little boy, "but I didn't want you standing there alone."

[Ed Palmer]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same

[thedrifter]

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!

Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
A: She thought her period was French Provincial.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say'd he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

[thedrifter]

The Blonde Cook

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

[thedrifter]

A Blonde Emergency

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."

[thedrifter]

New Technology


A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

[thedrifter]

New York City Visit


Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[thedrifter]

Newly Promoted


Sam was excited about his promotion to Vice President at the company where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Sam said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Errors


A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.

When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Virus Alert!

If you receive a newspaper with an article in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies", DO NOT READ IT.

Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it will cause the printed characters on the newspaper to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a big heap in your lap. This particular virus is very nasty in that it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become unusable.

As well, any computer screen viewed with infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative. The New York Times this morning confirmed the existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are now investigating it.

THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICAL SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINTED GLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.

PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE!

[thedrifter]

New Year's Resolutions


Resolutions for 1999
--------------------

- Do my taxes......for 1991.

- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody
hearing.

- Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.

- Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys
at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.

- Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
purchased never showed up.

- I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate.
For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely.
That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading!

A Look Back at Past Resolutions
-------------------------------

RESOLUTION #1
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish The Pelican Brief
1997: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
1998: I will read at least one article this year.
1999: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
1997: I will work out 5 days a week.
1998: I will work out 3 days a week.
1999: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
1997: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
1998: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2000.
1999: I will try to be out of the country by 2000.

[thedrifter]

New Year Resolutions for Internet Junkies


1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"

10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than "password."

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

[thedrifter]

New Year's Dinner




As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

[thedrifter]

New York City Driving Rules


1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

11) Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

12) It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

13) Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Newspaper Ad


The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: LIFE IN THE 1500'S
>
> The next time you are washing your
hands and complain because
> the water temperature isn't just how
you like it, think about
>how
>things used to be.
>
> Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>
>
> These are interesting...
>
>
>
> Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly
> bath in May, and still smelled
pretty good by June. However,
>they
>were starting to smell, so brides carried a
bouquet of flowers to hide the
>body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
bouquet when getting
>married.
>
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled
with hot water. The man of
>the house had the privilege of the nice clean
> water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and
>finally
>the children Last of all the babies.
> By then the water was so dirty you
could actually lose someone
>in
>it. Hence the saying,
> "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water."
>
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw-piled high, with no wood
>underneath. It was the only place for
> animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals
>(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
> When it rained it became slippery
and sometimes the animals
>would
>slip and off the roof. Hence the saying
> "It's raining cats and dogs."
>
>
> There was nothing to stop things
from falling into the house
>This
>posed a real problem in the bedroom
> where bugs and other droppings could
mess up your nice clean
>bed.
>Hence, a bed with big posts and
> a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection. That's how
>canopy beds came into existence.
>
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the
wealthy had something other than
>dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
> The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the
>winter
>when wet , so they spread thresh (straw)
> on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on,
>they
>adding more thresh until when you opened
> the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood
>was
>placed in the entranceway.
>
> Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
>
>
> Getting quite an education, aren't
you?)
>
>
> In those old days, they cooked in
the kitchen with a big kettle
>that always hung over the fire.
> Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They
>ate
>mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for
>dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start
>over the
> next day. Sometimes stew had food
in it that had been there
>for
>quite a while.
>
> Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge
hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old."
>
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork,
which made them feel quite
>special. When visitors came over, they would
> hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a
>man could "bring home the bacon."
> They would cut off a little to share
with guests and would all
>sit
>around and "chew the fat."
>
>
>
> Those with money had plates made of
pewter. Food with high
>acid
>content caused some of the lead to leach
> onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened
>most
>often with tomatoes, so for the next
> 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to
status. Workers got the burnt
>bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
> and guests got the top, or "upper
crust."
>
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or
whisky. The combination
>would
>sometimes knock the imbibers out for
> a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take
>them
>for dead and prepare them for burial.
> They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days
>and
>the family would gather around and eat
> and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the
>custom
>of holding a "wake."
>
>
> England is old and small and the
local folks started running
>out
>of places to bury people. So they would dig up
coffins and would take the
>bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins,
> 1 out of 25 coffins were found to
have scratch marks on the
>inside
>and they realized they had been burying
> people alive. So they would tie a
string on the wrist of the
>corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to
>a
>bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the
>"graveyard shift")
> to listen for the bell; thus,
someone could be "saved by the
>bell
>
>or was considered a "dead ringer."
>
>
> And that's the truth... Now ,
whoever said that History was
>boring !

[thedrifter]

Next Time




One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

[thedrifter]

The Nickel


There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[thedrifter]

911 Dispatcher


Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

[thedrifter]

The Ninth Green


The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt ....."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[thedrifter]

A 90's Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

[thedrifter]

95th Birthday


"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale




And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and the plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

"Government."

[thedrifter]

No Brains, No Headache


REAL STORIES OF TECHNICALLY-CHALLENGED PEOPLE


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.
I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries ... it's a long walk."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped
coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something
she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I
got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case
and sure enough, there was 40 cents.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name
to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking
about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down
exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said,
"Yeah, that's it!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to
cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to
unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went in back to make a sandwich.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to
hold?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen."
He then added: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[thedrifter]

No Button To Stay Put


Exclusive to the Los Angeles Times from the Washington Post
(Printed Wednesday, November 10, 1971)

WASHINGTON -- Health, Education and Welfare Department workers at the 18-story Parklawn Building here were treated recently to a memo on proper elevator button-pushing technique.

The quidelines explain that employees who wish to descend should push the elevator "DOWN" button.

On the other hand, those wanting to go up should push to "UP" button.

Pushing both at the same time, H.E.W. warns, is counter-productive.

[thedrifter]

No Charge


When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right.

The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist, and these are my bacteria cultures."

[thedrifter]

No Diet, Just Exercise

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With the holidays approaching, it is important to keep in shape. Perhaps your New Year's Resolution will be to do more exercise. With that in mind here is a little exercise you can do ... no dieting, just a little exercise. Remember, physical exercise is good for you. This easy daily program can be done by most people. I can do it. You can do it, too. The program can be used without charge. Once you have completed the program you will be saying "Whew! What a work out!" I have been doing these exercises for awhile so my workout is a bit faster than those of you just starting out. Don't worry. You might want to take it easy at first and the do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some, so always consult your doctor before starting this or any exercise program.

Ready? Here we go...

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Now scroll up....... Repeat

Feel the burn?

That's my kind of exercise!

[thedrifter]

No Enemies


A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.

"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."

[thedrifter]

No Excuse Sunday


An excerpt from a real church bulletin (Aug 4, 1996):

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in Nature. Finally the Sancuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsettias and Easter Lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

[thedrifter]

No Frills Airline?




SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

[thedrifter]

Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

No More Blonde Jokes


A "Bonehead Award" goes to CNN, ABC News, Reuters, Stuff (New Zealand), The London Daily Mail, the BBC and a host of other large media news sources which reported that the World Health Organization (W.H.O.) concluded that blondes would become extinct by the year 2202 owing to the blonde gene being recessive.

If you still believe that the media always checks their stories for accuracy, W.H.O. never released such a report.

[thedrifter]

No More Boys

When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

[thedrifter]

Non-Renewable Resource


The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.

[thedrifter]

North Pole Goes Corporate


The recent announcement that Donder & Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher & Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernable loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of his load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French Hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go , and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping & twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers a-suing")action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[thedrifter]

North vs South


By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here
are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are
on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names
(i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,
Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.

[thedrifter]

NorthWest United States


You know you live in the NorthWest U.S. if you...

- feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

- know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture
computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.

- can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and
Thai food.

- return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass
was dead."

- know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and
Starbucks.

- take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.

- remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how
long you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather
event in the last five years.

- feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash
instead of recycling it.

- get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes
the term "sun breaks."

- are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country
calls "coffee."

- have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's
policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides or if the number
of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial"list.

- never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress
pads that double as flotation devices.

- know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

- consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently
erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."

- complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one
for twice what you paid for it.

- find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse
a reward.

- know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

- used to live somewhere else.

- believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent
boating deaths.

- believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.

- own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of
microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.

- wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like
yours. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.

- can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you
can't see them through the clouds.

- think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.

- go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you
only have an eight-hour work day.

- find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your
hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.

- believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.

- You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and
the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two
more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any
assistance.

- you look in your closet to get dressed and you are stumped on whether
to put on your fleece vest, fleece pants, or just go for the fleece
jacket. Then you're stuck when you decide for the jacket and are
confused on which of your six colors you should choose.

[Ed Palmer]

Ladies Golf / Good Laugh for ya.


A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day.
"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to
be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the
supermarket, and all she has in
the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of
cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg
and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is
pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he
sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his
dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
marriage.You can make this for me any old day.
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around after the funeral when one of them said,
"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your
husband?"
The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
while he was licking his ass."

[Ed Palmer]

St. Peter at The Gate

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[Ed Palmer]

True Bravery



True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

[Ed Palmer]

It's time to reevaluate our involvement!
>
> Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV
> there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
>
> We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us
> nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
>
> Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still
> there?
>
> Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we
> still there?
>
> Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?
>
> The place is subject to natural disasters, to which we are supposed to
> bail them out. Why are we still there?
>
> There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.
> Why are we still there?
>
> Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
> Why are we still there?
>
> We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
>
> They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to
> rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
>
> It is becoming clear...
>
> WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

LAST CHANCE

A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read:

"LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much IS gas in Kentucky?"

The man replied, "A buck and a quarter."

[thedrifter]

No Smoking


During the first few weeks after quitting smoking, one fellow was difficult to live with. Apologizing to his wife for his short temper, he commented, "I've gone from 'Happy' to 'Grumpy.' What's next?"

"Lonely," she replied.

[thedrifter]

No Longer a Kid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age
..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
(My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[thedrifter]

Not a Problem




A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

[thedrifter]

Not At Work




My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Not Feeling Well


A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

[thedrifter]

The Notice




During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington, factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."

But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Not in My Contract


Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

[thedrifter]

No Talking




After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

[thedrifter]

Not to Worry


A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and the steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me."

[thedrifter]

Not too Bright!


True Story From San Francisco, California:

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Not Exactly What The Doctor Ordered


This technician is the IT security officer for a health care organization, so his job has two main functions: beefing up security and keeping doctors happy.

"We were increasing the level of security across the board to comply with government regulations," he said. "And as with most health care organizations, all staff members cater to the doctors, no matter what they want."

But he's puzzled when he gets a call from a doctor's assistant asking that the doctor's digital signature be renewed.

Being the security officer, he knew that they had not implemented any sort of digital signature technology, let alone rolled it out to the doctors. He asked how the signature was implemented, and of course the doctor didn't know. So he asked who had originally set this up.

Turns out it was a high-level systems analyst who's been in the organization for years. So he calls her to ask about the digital signature.

"Oh, yeah, I've set up about 30 doctors with digital signatures in their e-mail," she tells him.

"Using what technology?" he asks.

"I have them sign a blank piece of paper, then I scan it and embed the bitmap in their e-mail signature file along with their name and phone number."

"Umm, how long has this been done?"

"We've been using it for over a year," analyst says. "The doctors love it!"

"You realize that anyone you send that e-mail to now has an exact copy of the doctor's signature?" he asks. "And then they can forge all kinds of communications, not only digital but printed, including prescriptions?"

"Oh, I never thought of it that way."

"This needs to stop immediately," he tells her.

"Well, I've told three more doctors that I'll set them up, so I have to do them, but I won't sign up any more after that."

"No, you don't understand," he says. "You will have to remove this from everyone who is using it."

"They won't like that."

"You think they want to find out that someone has forged documents using this 'digital signature'?" he asks.

"I don't think they would like that either," analyst admits.

The technician later found out that this request for renewal of the signature was made because the doctor's original "digital signature" was too legible. He wanted to do it over -- "better."

[thedrifter]

Speech impediment

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

And so, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

The owner is becoming atad irritable, but nonetheless, he picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Okay, what about her earth?"

Now the owner is getting really ticked off. Nevertheless, he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horse's ears. "Okay, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."

With that, the disgruntled owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's rear end. The midget shakes his head and gasps, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"

[thedrifter]

Hardened

There is a boy taking a walk in the woods and he walks by a lake. The boy looked over in the water and saw a naked girl swimming. She asked him to come in. The boy ran as fast as he could away from there. The boy later returned and the girl asked him why he ran. The boy replied, "Mom told me if I looked at a naked girl that I will turn into stone and parts of me were already getting getting harder.

[thedrifter]

Pack of cigarettes

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarrettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that i buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."

[thedrifter]

Guidance

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

[thedrifter]

Chemistry set

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.

He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.

His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

[thedrifter]

Restricted fishing area

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" But you have all this
equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I
didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment.

[thedrifter]

Not Right


"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

[thedrifter]

The Note Pad


With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

[thedrifter]

Nothing


Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Nothing ... Nothing at all!!




Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Nothing Personal


"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Occupation is...?


A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm....a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants--age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......"

Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door!

[thedrifter]

Obituaries

His four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.

As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"

[thedrifter]

Octogenarian Golfer


An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said " I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do, replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

[thedrifter]

Ode to Thanksgiving

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom's note: Many places in the world set aside a time to give thanks, usually a Fall/Autumn festival. While the customs may vary from country to country, the desire to reflect on the blessings of life is common. Here in the United States, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November. Thanksgiving Day is a legal holiday in the United States and was first celebrated in early colonial times in New England.

It is a time for families to get together, give thanks, and celebrate with food (turkey is one of the traditional items). And don't forget football (I bet those Pilgrims loosened their big ol' buckles and just stared at the camp fire ... until half-time). Thanksgiving also marks the unofficial beginning to the winter holiday season.

[thedrifter]

An Owed To The Spelling Checker


CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

[thedrifter]

The Offering


A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him ... embarrassingly empty. Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ed Palmer]

Little Known Texas Facts!

Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know
ya'll just can't wait to read them!

Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built
over water.

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first
full time coach for Rice University, Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North
America.

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only
remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a
hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."

El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.

Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world' s largest rose garden with over
38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.

King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours
in and around Alvin in July 1979.

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by
annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US
flag.)

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr
Pepper.

Texas has had six capital cities .
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller
than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Mexican for Texas.

The State animal is the Armadillo. *

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

[Ed Palmer]

An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four
babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four
males or four females. Well... I thought it was interesting anyway!

AMERICAN BY BIRTH. TEXAN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE

People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in
the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms.
So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King
James" into "King Ranch" language: Ten Commandments, cowboy Style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in
Fairlie, Texas.

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Ed Palmer]

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French
Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival
in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find
any Frenchmen around to show it to."

[thedrifter]

Another One Bites The Dust

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

[thedrifter]

A Bronzed Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He's so intrigued by it that he asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but Ill take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.

He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions. By the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post and hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the swarm of rats surge over the breakwater and into the bay, where they drown.

Still shaking, the tourist makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[thedrifter]

Bundle Of Joy

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a BASTARD in the family than a LAWYER."

[thedrifter]

King Of Chaos

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession. The doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

[thedrifter]

Charity-How It Warms The Heart

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

The Cheating Spouse

A lawyer who works in Seattle gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone.

After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is the emergency of which he must take care.

So, he tells the maid to go and get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

She protests! The lawyer explains that under Washington State law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.

She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears a scream, the sound of two gun shots, some loud thumps and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the POOL?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"