Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Panty Hose


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[thedrifter]

The Parachute Paradigm



You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code
red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives
who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without
a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right
to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the
other person.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable
coincidences, studies have shown
no link whatsoever between airplane
crashes and death.

[thedrifter]

A Paradigm



"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Parental Observations





- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to
your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose
your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be
everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he
looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come
when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be
far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much
patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers
are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to
chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

[thedrifter]

Parenting Test

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to
take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?
A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like
'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old
female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test
will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have
the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils
ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One --- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1) I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2) ... and this time I really mean it.
3) Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4) See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5) Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6) One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7) Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8) Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9) Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10) Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1) Tickle Me ____________.
2) 101 _________________.
3) The Berenstain _________.
4) Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5) _______________ Nuggets.
6) _______________ Meals.
7) Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
1) Amoxicillin
2) Legos
3) Pull-Ups
4) Push-Ups
5) Tubes
******
A) Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B) Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C) A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D) A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E) A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1) It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2) She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3) You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages,
two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled
parent. How will you accomplish this?
4) At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl,
and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will
this be done?

Section Five -- Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -

Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?

[thedrifter]

Parenting Want Ad




JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

[thedrifter]

Parent-Teacher Conference




Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

[thedrifter]

Parent-Teacher Conference


When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."


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[thedrifter]

Parent's Glossary of Kid's Kitchen Terms


APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS:
Gourmet cooking.

FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI:
Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.

TABLE:
A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

[thedrifter]

Parking Lot Rules




(How many of these can you relate to?)

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the mess out of them.

Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious

Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.


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[Phantom Blooper]

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper
in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day
working on the fifty-third floor. At about 11:30, after
a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.
He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think
I can go down and take a pee real quick."

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies,
"It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten
to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare.
Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week."
"I tell ya what" says the foreman. "I'll stick this here
plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do
what ya gotta do."

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his
pants and starts to pee. Meanwhile the phone rings
inside. The foreman, forgetting he was holding the
plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs
over to answer it. Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death
and the foreman gets brought up on charges of
murder. The prosecution has one witness that was
on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of
what happened, the witness looks around, leans
forward and says, "You know what I think? I think it
had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers."

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells, "What the
hell kinda nonsense is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed
the 25th floor he was holding his penis and screaming
'where'd that cock sucker go?!'"

[usmc4669]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix, Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew around them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

[nc.gal]

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5.000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. "We'll ship her home", says the guy. The undertaker asks,"Are you sure?That's an awfullyl big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says,"Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead,I just can't take that chance."



REMEMBER FOLKS, GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR ALSO.

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johny was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything to help him. Finally, they took him to a loval catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started to study. Books and paper pere spread out all over the room and Johnny was hard at work. His mom was amazed. Later she called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. THis went on for some time, day after day, while his mom tried to understand what had brought such a profound difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He wuietly laid it on the table, wnt up to his room and hi the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card. To her surprise, Johnny got an A+ in Math. She could no longer hold her curiosity and she rent to his room and sad, " Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Johnny looked at her and shook his head no. "well then" she asked, "was it the books? Are they better? Was it the discipline, the structure, uniforms-What was it?" Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two six year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. THe teachers had tried everything to make them behave. With time outs, notes home, missed recesses. But,they could do nothing with them. FInally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "son,do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and asked the same question,again The little boy bolted out of the chair and rushed past his friend in the waiting room and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened?"The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

[Phantom Blooper]

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
TECH: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
TECH: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
TECH: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
TECH: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER:..."Yes, I think so."
TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: ......."Yes, it is."
TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: ......"Okay, here it is."
TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
TECH: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
TECH: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outage."
TECH: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

The Man of the House

The husband had just finished his book, "The Man Of The House."

He then stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward."

He continued, "Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Phantom Blooper]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

" Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave ?"

" Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, " they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

" There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness !!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

" Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

" I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

" So bust him," said the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

" No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, " Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:" Bigger."

Chief:" Governor ?"

Cop:" Bigger."

" Well," said the Chief,"Who is it ?"

Cop: " I think it's God!"

Chief:" What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:" He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

[Phantom Blooper]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads,and throw the bottles under the seat.

" "what fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
drinkin'?

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[thedrifter]

Parking Space


Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

[thedrifter]

The Parking Ticket


I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[thedrifter]

Parked Cars in the Snow


It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[thedrifter]

Parking


A guy had been unemployed for several months and unable to find a job. After numerous applications, he was finally invited to a downtown business for a job interview. Upon arriving downtown, he was unable to find a parking spot near the building where he needed to go. Thinking that someone parked along the curb near the building where he needed to go would surely be leaving soon, he circled the block. After 20 minutes of pure frustration in not finding a parking spot he decided to park at a red curb, rather than be late for his interview. Prior to leaving his car, he wrote this note and placed it on the windshield:


Dear Officer,

I have been driving around this block for twenty minutes.
If I don't do this it means my job. FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS!!!


The man proceeded into the building where the interview went really well. Upon returning to his car, he noticed a parking ticket on the windshield. Next to the ticket was a note that read:


Dear Sir,

I have been driving around this block for twenty years.
If I don't do this it means my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION !!!

[thedrifter]

The Parrot




So there's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[thedrifter]

A Partridge in a Pear Tree


Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling
but I must insist. You're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never
stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight
maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is
poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just
lay off me.

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all
over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the
police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

[thedrifter]

Parts is Parts


A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pass It Along




My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

[thedrifter]

Password Security Guidelines


For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have
been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow
them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

1. Minimum length 8 characters
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on
Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change
if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11,
commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the Internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
12. Changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Incontrovertible by OJ Simpson's lawyers.
16. Undecodeable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking
form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
19. Self-escrow able to enable authorities to capture kiddie-porn people
and baddies but not the goodies ("but we'll only decode it with a
court order, honest").
20. Not decrypt able by exhaustive application of possible one-time pads.

Due to the severity of the restrictions, if the password is entered
incorrectly 3 times at login time, you will be asked if you would like to
pick a new one.

[thedrifter]

Passwords for Kids

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[usmc4669]

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called hislawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form."

"You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"

"That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man gasped... "One less
Democrat.."

[Phantom Blooper]

AP News Wire
29 March, 2004
In consideration on the Madrid bombing and threats of bombing in France, the French government today announced an increase in the Terror Alert level. On the following French Terror Alert scale (Ignore, Run, Hide, Surrender, Collaborate), the Terror Alert status has been increased from "Run" to "Hide" according to anonymous French government officials.

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With pain in his voice Sam replied,. . . . . . "The balcony..."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What
is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and
you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like
your sister's." Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

[Phantom Blooper]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. He was astounded
to see that the driver was knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" she yelled back.
"IT'S A SCARF!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns. In an effort to get them to move, one of the men said in a very loud voice, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there."




The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there
are only 50 nuns there."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."


One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm
voice said Why don't you go to hell..... there aren't any nuns there."
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Past Prognostications




"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad
that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll
come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't
got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

[thedrifter]

Pay Day


A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"

[thedrifter]

Pay Phone




The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

PC Message Glossary



(What the PC message is / what the PC message really means)

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmer's joke.
Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes,
only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use
one of the bits below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."

[thedrifter]

The Pearly Gates


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[thedrifter]

The Pearly Gates 2


A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[thedrifter]

Peat Moss




A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

[thedrifter]

Pebble Beach


A golfer, well into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT... STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

[thedrifter]

The Perfect Husband


There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $80,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling the bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $750,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $710,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[thedrifter]

Perfect Par


A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?", to which the man would *always* reply, "Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying all this time. There s no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...another perfect par!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

Marines are sensitive and caring people:

A woman meets a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place. As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are literally hundreds of teddy bears on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf. Cute Cuddly medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is quite surprised that a Marine would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. Although she decides not to question him about it, she actually is quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly........they kiss softly...........then again. Soon their passion has overwhelmed them, and she leads him quietly to the huge king-size bed along the far wall. After spending an intense night of passion, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The Gunny, stifling a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[thedrifter]

Pencil Manufacturers Sued


DEMOCRATS SUE PENCIL MANUFACTURERS

For the past thirty years America's public schools have been producing students who are increasingly less educated. Democratic politicians across the country feel that pencil manufacturers are the ones responsible for creating this education crisis and are filing lawsuits against them.

One of the cities suing the pencil industry is Oakland, California. Said one Democratic City Councilwoman in Oakland, "It is an undisputed fact that 99% of all American public school students use pencils on a daily basis. These pencils are faulty because they allow students to spell words incorrectly, as well as commit grammatical and mathematical errors. It is time that pencil manufacturers be held accountable for their role in producing inferior students."

The City of Atlanta is also suing pencil manufacturers. The Mayor of Atlanta told BNN, "The pencil makers currently have technology available to put 'Student Safety Devices' on their products. But they refuse to do it. These 'Student Safety Devices' would prevent students from committing academic errors and help them to be better pupils . Our lawsuit is designed to send a message to pencil producers that we will no longer allow them to victimize the children in our school district."

Pencil manufacturers, however, claim that their products do not cause students to commit academic errors. Said Lawrence McDowell of the Sanford Pencil Company, "A pencil is an inanimate object. It is a tool which a student uses at his or her ability level. In the hands of an intelligent and educated student it can be used for producing excellent academic work. In the hands of a lazy student, who watches nine hours of television a day, a pencil is used to produce inferior academic work. The pencil is not responsible for creating either the excellent work or the inferior work."

The Mayor of Atlanta disagrees with McDowell. Said the Mayor, "That defense is straight out of the National Pencil Association (NPA) handbook. We are trying to do something that will help our students perform better in school. But it is obvious that all they care about is their profit margin."

While the lawsuits against the pencil manufacturers move forward, Democrats on Capital Hill are planning to introduce 'Pencil Control Legislation' that would require every pencil to have a 'Student Safety Device' installed. Republicans, who have traditionally sided with the National Pencil Association are showing signs that they may cave to public pressure and vote with Democrats on this bill.

More on this story as it unfolds.

[thedrifter]

Penguins, 1

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[thedrifter]

Penguins 2




Reported in Audubon Society Magazine:

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

[thedrifter]

The Penny


My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

[thedrifter]

Penny Scales




A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[thedrifter]

Pentagon Ice Cream Names


Bennett Cohen gave up such promising jobs as McDonald's cashier, night mopper at Friendly's Restaurant and pottery wheel delivery person to go into business with his junior high pal, Jerry Greenfield. Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream Parlor opened in May, 1978, in a renovated gas station in Burlington, Vermont, and the rest, as they say, is history.

In addition to its rich, unusual flavors, Ben & Jerry's quickly became famous for its exceptional, community-oriented approach to business. Not to mention being responsible for a certain humor list moderator's addiction to Triple Bypass Ripple.

Apart from his work with Ben & Jerry's, Ben is the founder and President of Business Leaders For Sensible Priorities, which mobilizes business leaders' expertise to redirect U.S. federal budget priorities away from Cold War military spending levels and toward meeting basic human needs.

With that bit of history said, here are:

The Top 10 Pentagon Ice Cream Names
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

10. A Thousand Points of Mint

9. Nukies & Cream

8. $800 Wrench Ripple

7. Taxation Sensation

6. Blowing S'Mocha

5. Taxpayer Crunched

4. Defense Contractors' Delight

3. Delicious Fictitious Budget Crunch

2. When-They-See-How-Much-We-Spent-The-Voters-Are-Gonna-Be Pistachio

and the Number 1 Pentagon Ice Cream Name .....

1. Budget Fudge-It

[thedrifter]

People for the Ethical Treatment of Software


NEWSFLASH!!!!!

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

[thedrifter]

Perfection




There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving
along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)


















The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a
perfect man.
===================================
* A Male Response
* (Page Down )
















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.

[thedrifter]

The Perfect Man




The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR.POTATO HEAD

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Personal Calls


One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[usmc4669]

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.":bunny: :banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."

"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCR*W YOURSELF!"
:banana:

[usmc4669]

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?":banana: :evilgrin:

[usmc4669]

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "F**k off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pu**y!":banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...
"When my wife had whooping cough...?":confused: :banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house...":D :banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
:banana:

[usmc4669]

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!":bunny: :marine:

[usmc4669]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"


:banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
:qmark:

[usmc4669]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"


:banana:

[usmc4669]

'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

:banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

:D :D

[usmc4669]

Two Soldiers boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Soldier's.

The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Soldier in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the Soudier in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marine's other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked.

What replied the Soldier's?

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newark where the runway is fogged in, and they have nothing to do. John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah," says Bill, "But I hear that you can drink jet fuel and it will give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only real drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all. The phone rings.... with Bill asking John how he feels.
"I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!"
"Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff.... and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."

[thedrifter]

Track Star

Two guys were walking through the woods one day when one of them glanced behind them and noticed a bear following them. He could see that the bear hadn't seen them yet, so he quickly sat on the ground and began taking off his hiking boots. By the time his friend noticed him sitting there, he had pulled his running shoes out of his backpack and was putting them on.

His friend said, "What are you doing ?"

His friend pointed up the trail to reveal the bear coming towards them slowly but surely. He said," Man you're crazy. There's no way you can outrun that bear!!"

As he was standing up, his friend said, " I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!"

[thedrifter]

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

"Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him 'FATHER'"

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. "Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say 'YOUR GRACE'"

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. "You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say 'YOUR EMINENCE!'"

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked "Well ...?"

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream 'OH MY GOD!'"

[thedrifter]

Dog ****

A blonde guy was walking down the street when he suddenly came across a loomp in front of him. "What on earth is this?"

He put his finger in it and tasted it.

G...osh he exclaimed. "It is dog ****. Thank God I didn't step on it"

[thedrifter]

Which hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the ladysitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Girls night out

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls outa $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me.

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

[thedrifter]

A bird in ****

A bird was walking through the forest when it started snowing. It was so cold that his tiny little legs froze to the ground. Suddenly, he started chirping at the top of his tiny lungs, hoping that a farmer would come along and free him.

Two minutes passed, and a cow came along. The cow, not noticing the bird, proceeded to defecate, the **** landing on top of the bird. At long last, the bird was warm, and the warm pile of **** melted the ice around its feet.

Realizing it was free, the bird lifted its wings and tried to fly away, but was once again stuck in the pile of ****. Again hoping a farmer would come along and free him, the bird started chirping.

Three minutes passed and a cat came along. Seeing the bird, the cat came over, pulled him out of the ****, cleaned him off, and ate him.

Moral of the story: The one who puts you in a ****ty situation isn't always your enemy and the one who pulls you out of one isn't always your friend. And if you are warm and happy, shut up and sit still.

[thedrifter]

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[thedrifter]

Moose hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[thedrifter]

Newfoundland Bar

Overheard in a Newfoundland Bar

Customer: ``Whiskey and ice, please, bartender.''
Bartender: ``Sorry, Mate, no ice.''
Customer: ``O.K., I'll have it with water.''
Bartender: Sorry, Mate, the waters all frozen.''

[thedrifter]

Park bench

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

[thedrifter]

Two Atoms

An atom walking down the street bumps into one of his mates and stops for a chat.
"How are you doing?" asks the first atom.
"Not so good I'm afraid, I've just lost an electron' replies the second atom.
"Are you sure" the first atom remarks.
To which the second particle replies, "I'm positive".

[thedrifter]

Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a bottle from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.

"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

[Phantom Blooper]

Ritz Hotel
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering
sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings
the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be
of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like some wild sex, some missionary work, a little
doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace.
What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to
press 9 first to get an outside line."

[thedrifter]

Personal Items


Part of the passenger arrival briefing from the lone flight attendant on a United Express O'Hare-to-Memphis flight:

"Please remove all personal items from the aircraft. Any items left on board can be found at my yard sale next Sunday."

[thedrifter]

Personal Secretary


A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He's bald."

[thedrifter]

Personal Statistics


I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

[thedrifter]

Pet Gift

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pet Pet-Peeves


1. Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

2. Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

3. Cat: Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains.

4. Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?

5. Cat: Why are these people in my house?

6. Dog: What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!

7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

[thedrifter]

Pet Tragedy


A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pets on Planes


While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

[thedrifter]

Petty Argument




A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

[thedrifter]

Pharmacy




After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Philosophy Exam


(True story)

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:
"If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

[thedrifter]

Philosophy Exam




An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

[thedrifter]

Phobias




I suffer from two phobias:

1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and

2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Phone Call




A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

[tophor]

I feel for you blooper, that sounds like a very bad start to a very looooong day. HA HA HA!!!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.


As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."


"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"


:banana:

[thedrifter]

The Phone Call


A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

[thedrifter]

Phone Problems?




Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

[thedrifter]

Phone Repair




This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the clerk asked and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?"

As if that wasn't bad enough ... He also requested that we report future outages by email.

(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?????? )

[thedrifter]

Phone Repairs




Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[thedrifter]

The Photo Shoot


Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.

The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.

Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."

[thedrifter]

Photo Touch-Up




A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer.

She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture.

He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.

"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

[thedrifter]

Physics Class


As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

[thedrifter]

Piano Tuner


It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."

[thedrifter]

Picking a Jury




A judge was hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went in- to the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.

But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Picture Menu


I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

[Phantom Blooper]

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing . I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[thedrifter]

A Picture is Worth ... How Many Words?




A picture frame was broken, and I decided to try my hand at repairing it. A screw was missing in one corner, so I called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" I asked the man who answered. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know, but it's rather small."

The man sighed. "Ma'am, would that be closer to 'itsy-bitsy' or 'teeny-weeny'?" he asked.

[thedrifter]

Piece of Advice


In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

[thedrifter]

A Pie in the Oven

A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.

She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger-which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen," She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.

A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

She had never seen anything like it-it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and the door was open. When she saw that she threw her arms around him.

"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."

He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

[thedrifter]

Pipe Specifications




1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside diameter - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. (Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words 'long pipe' painted on each end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long pipe' painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

[thedrifter]

Pirates


Two pirates are talking. One has a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?

Ay, it got bit off by a varmit shark.

How'd you get that metal hook?

Lost 'er in a sword fight . . . guy cut off me bloody hand.

How'd you get that eye patch?

Well, I was up in the crows nest and I looked up to spy this seagull. The dang thing got me right in the eye!

Well, how'd THAT make you blind?

Arr, it was the first day I had me hook!

[thedrifter]

Pizza Delivery




"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college student delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

[thedrifter]

Plane Reservations




Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from our equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

[thedrifter]

The Plaque


One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

[thedrifter]

Playing Doctor




The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

[thedrifter]

Playing House


A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[arnoldyG/2/5]

Playing House

My wife would whole heartedly agree!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

An elderly man was sitting on a bench across from the White House. He got up and slowly made his way to the on duty Marine sentry. He asked "son would it be alright if I went inside, I'd like to talk with Bill Clinton for a MInute?" The Marine told him that Bill Clinton is no longer the president and that he doesn't live here anymore. The old man nodded and walked off. The next day the same elderly gentelman approached the same Marine and again asked. "Son i'd like to go inside and talk with Bill Clinton, I have some information for him?" The Marine again told him that Bill Clinton Is no longer the president and he doesn't live here. The old man nodded and walked off. Again the very next day the same old man and the same Marine. The old man again asked to go inside and speak with Clinton. This time the Marine is understandably aggitated and says "Sir, what don't you understand, this is the third day in a row you've asked to talk to Clinton, can't you understand HE IS NO LONGER THE PRESIDEND AND DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE." The old man smiled and said "Oh I know that, I just like hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, smartly saluted him and said"verywell sir, carry on and I'll see you tomorrow."

[thedrifter]

Q: How many Dems does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 2

1 to hold the lightbulb and John Kerry to keep changing positions.

[thedrifter]

One morning Elmer's wife wakes up and reaches over to his side of the bed, only ot find that Elmer isn't there. She calls out but gets no response. She figures maybe he's sick and gets up and checks the bathroom, but no Elmer. Next she goes downstairs and checks the livingroom but Elmer isn't on the couch. She goes to the kitchen and there's Elmer, sitting at the table crying like a baby, with a calendar and eleven empty longnecks in front of him and just opening number twelve. She asks Elmer what is wrong but he at first doesn't want to talk about it. She keeps coaxing until he relents. Elmer says, You remember when we were dating? She smiles and nods. Then Elmer says, Remember when your daddy caught us in the back seat of my Chevy Impala? She says, Yes, that was rather embarassing. Then Elmer says, And do you remember when your father put that shotgun barrel under my chin and told me I would either marry his daughter or do thirty years in prison? She says, Yes it was quite traumatic but you still haven't told me why your crying. Elmer looks at her and then points to the calendar and says, I just realized that I would be getting out today!

[Phantom Blooper]

One day, three O-6s were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. " POOF!" God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." POOF!" God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Navy Captain had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, AND the intelligence to cross this river." POOF! God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

[thedrifter]

Please and Thank You

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

[thedrifter]

Please Be Quiet




Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

[thedrifter]

Please Log On

I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius".

After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

There's one in every crowd.

[thedrifter]

The Pluperfect Virus




Taking Liberties
The Pluperfect Virus
By Bob Hirschfeld

Sunday, May 2, 1999

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

[thedrifter]

The Plural of Y'all

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What is the plural of y'all?

I asked this (innocently) at the end of a recent humor posting which dealt with misconceptions about Texas. Little did I know that I had opened the flood gates! I have received more email on this subject over the past few days than I care to mention. Everyone seems to have an answer to this question.

I received answers from Texans, non-Texans, wanna-be Texans, former Texans, people from Arkansas, New York (a transplanted Texan no doubt), Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, California, Oklahoma, among others and I even received a response from someone in Papua New Guinea.

Well, the answer to this question is one which should be shared, so here are the comments on the plural of y'all:

Many people indicated that y'all is already the plural form and provided the singular form which was variously (1) you'un (2) you-all (3) youins (4) yuse'all (5) yewins (6) yu's oll and (7) you'uns.

Some people contended that y'all is both plural and singular just as "you" can be used for both plural and singular, depending on the context. One Texan added that there "ain't no sense in wasting the energy making up two differ'nt words, is there?" Another added that Texans have "been talking like this since we were babies, so why let a few years of education mess up something natural?"

One person told me that the plural was y'ens (from "ye ones") and said that the information was from his English teacher (the teacher having a Masters in Linguistics and a PhD in English).

So, now it's time to announce the "official" plural of y'all (at least according to the various opinions of the Good Clean Fun list members). By a comment margin of at least 5 to 1, the plural of y'all is:


ALL Y'ALL

Now, 'nuf said! I thank y'all and all y'all can can git back to yer chores.

[thedrifter]

A Poem for Moms and Dads


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

[thedrifter]

Poisoned Coffee

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

[thedrifter]

Polar Bears




One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

[thedrifter]

Police Chase


A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man though for a moment and said ... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

[thedrifter]

Police Story


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say--,"

"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[thedrifter]

Policeman with a Sense of Humor


Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign and a few moments after he runs it, they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

MARK: OhnowhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do?

He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

MARK: [panicy] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really!

COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.

Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.

After about five minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.

AL: You don't need to see his identification.

COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.

AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

AL: He may go on about his business.

COP: You may go on about your business.

AL: Move along.

COP: Move along.

At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.

[thedrifter]

Policework




A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

[thedrifter]

Polite Dinner

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

[thedrifter]

Political Correctness

...who says we're not getting too politically correct? Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak:

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Political Correctness for Teenagers


No one fails a class anymore, there merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"


plus


"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."



(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct NFL




The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the 1999 season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct Piggies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Oooo.
( )
) /
(_/

1. This male piggy went to market.

2. This female piggy stayed home performing demeaning menial tasks at the behest of the male piggy.

3. This male piggy had roast beef painstakingly prepared by the female piggy who was never appreciated for all her domestic engineering. And that female piggy had none because she knew through psychotherapy that the route to empowerment was to reject the traditional notions of right and wrong and to poison the male piggy with roast beef that had been fed bovine growth hormone.

4. So this male piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way to the hospital where he succumbed to stomach distress.

5. And this female piggy took over his market and ran it as a non-exploitative cooperative celebrating the values of piggy diversity.

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas




On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

> TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas.
Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah.
Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct 23rd Psalm




(For those of you who can't remember, The 23rd Psalm is the one which begins with "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want ...")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.

He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.

He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.

Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non- illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.

Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.

You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.

Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter- relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.

And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ed Palmer]

>they all look better at closing time
> Subject: Fw: Beer
> Date: Tue, 6 Apr 2004 20:39:34 -0500
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> >
>
> >
> >
> > "Beer is good for you"
> >
> > http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf>
> >
> >
> >

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Fw: Female vs Male
>
>
>
>A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
>earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
>concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
>pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
>
>"Relatives of yours?"
>
>"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>

[Ed Palmer]

SIGN,S

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
> **************************
> In a Podiatrist's office:
> "Time wounds all heels."
> **************************
> On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
> **************************
> On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
> "We're #1 in the #2 business."
> **************************
> At a Proctologist's door
> "To expedite your visit please back in."
> **************************
> On a Plumber's truck:
> "We repair what your husband fixed."
> **************************
> On a Plumber's truck:
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
> **************************
> Pizza Shop Slogan:
> "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
> **************************
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
> **************************
> On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
> "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
> **************************
> At a Towing company:
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
> **************************
> On an Electrician's truck:
> "Let us remove your shorts."
> **************************
> In a Nonsmoking Area:
> "If we see smoke, we will assume you ! are on fire and take
> appropriate action."
> **************************
> On a Maternity Room door:
> "Push. Push. Push."
> **************************
> At an Optometrist's Office
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
> place."
> **************************
> On a Taxidermist's window:
> "We really know our stuff."
> **************************
> On a Fence:
> "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
> **************************
> At a Car Dealership:
> "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
> **************************
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
> **************************
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company:
> "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
> However, if you don't, you will be."
> **************************
> In a Restaurant window:
> "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
> **************************
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
> **************************
> At a Propane Filling Station,
> "Thank heaven for little grills."
> **************************
> And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
> "Best place in town to take a leak."

[Ed Palmer]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up-a fireman, a policeman, a salesman, a doctor, a lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and
make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little David to the side
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[thedrifter]

Policeman with a Sense of Humor


Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign and a few moments after he runs it, they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

MARK: OhnowhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do?

He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

MARK: [panicy] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really!

COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.

Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.

After about five minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.

AL: You don't need to see his identification.

COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.

AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

AL: He may go on about his business.

COP: You may go on about your business.

AL: Move along.

COP: Move along.

At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.

[thedrifter]

Policework


A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the officer asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

[thedrifter]

Polite Dinner




There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

[thedrifter]

Political Correctness

...who says we're not getting too politically correct? Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak:

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Political Correctness for Teenagers


No one fails a class anymore, there merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct Santa


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

[thedrifter]

Politics As Usual?


A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. At the end of the announcement, he said, "More on candidates at 10 P.M."

My ten-year-old granddaughter looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.

[thedrifter]

Politics Explained


How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

[thedrifter]

Police Recruit




A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

[thedrifter]

Polygons


My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon."

"What about two sided ones?" I asked.

"They don't exist," was his response.

"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Polly Wanna Talk?


A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company."

"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

"Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

"Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."

"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.

He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he'll talk to you."

"OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.

But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. "Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot STILL won't talk to me."

The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

"Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home.

The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed. "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.

"Ohmigosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"

"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replied.

"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.

The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'"

[thedrifter]

Ponder This


A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station .........

[thedrifter]

Pony Express


At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lot older now?"

[thedrifter]

Poof!




One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[thedrifter]

Baseball Trades

The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments:

Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): "Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?"

Josh (Mudville Manager): "We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record. Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers, our right-fielder and our 1st baseman."

Andy: "That's quite a few. Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?"

Josh: "Well, it's simple. We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation. The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games. He never was provoked. The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season. What will people think? As for the right-fielder, I might give him a second chance; but all he could really catch last year, was a cold."

[thedrifter]

Stroll at the Golf Course

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

[thedrifter]

Four guys on the golf course

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.

Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."

And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

[wayne553]

IN THE MARINE CORPS, those with the Fleet Marine Force often go on long deployments. When my husband, Jim, came home from such an assignment after a six-month absence, he found a welcome-home yellow ribbon stretching across the yard to the front door -- and ending in a bow tied to the lawn mower.
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Denise Larson



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wayne553]

IN THE Marine Corps aboard the USS Mann, we were on our way to Okinawa and a 13-month tour of duty. For many, it was the first sea-duty experience, and seasickness was not uncommon. Wally, a Marine from Michigan, was particularly afflicted. The captain in charge of his unit paid Wally a visit in sick bay and asked, "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"Yes, sir," Wally groaned. "Land."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Michael L. Hoppe

[thedrifter]

Pool Rules


A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a swim club. However, he was stopped by the owner who tried to explain that for health reasons long-haired people were prohibited from using the pool.

"Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in the pool," suggested the owner.

"Some of history's greatest men had long hair," said the young man.

"Those are the rules," hammered back the owner.

"Moses had long hair."

"Moses can't swim in our pool either."

[thedrifter]

Poor Eyesight


An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example, do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

[thedrifter]

Poor Fred (Bad Pun)


A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he sarcastically said, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

[thedrifter]

Poor Golf Game




After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

[thedrifter]

Poor People


A famous actor`s son was asked to write a composition in school on the topic of "poor people." The child wrote, "Once there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The butler was poor. The maid was poor. The chauffeur was poor..........."

[thedrifter]

The Poor Sermon


A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

[thedrifter]

The Portrait


One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.

[thedrifter]

Position To Pray


Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

[thedrifter]

Post-Election Light Bulbs


In honor of the elections (both parties represented)

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six:

14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
denying that the bulb is burned out.

8 White House aides to blame the previous administration

4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.

243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact
of burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness

1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.

9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
really knows how to change a light bulb.

1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
childhood in Arkansas.

42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
changing a light bulb.

2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
able to change their own light bulbs.

1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
can't be pinned on the Republicans.

1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that
no one else knows anything about.

5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the
environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm
anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications
for light bulbs.

------------------

And ...

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy one:

12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the
old bulb;

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs;

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start
buying more 110-volt bulbs;

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb;

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
the building with night-vision gear instead;

And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs,
or screwing anything, on the Internet.

[thedrifter]

The Post Office


A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

[thedrifter]

The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

[thedrifter]

In a Lamaze class

This is take from Reader's Digest, March 1994.

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

[thedrifter]

Biker In Hell

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

[Phantom Blooper]

The Mole Family


-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum!
I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum!
I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....


Scroll down.......


Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...





MOLASSES



:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Q.) What do you get when you cross a pretty woman and the Easter bunny ?
A.) I don't know either,but I sure would like to see it hopping down the bunny trail ! :bunny:

[thedrifter]

Post Office Job




Paul got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."

"Thank you, Sir" said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"

Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

[thedrifter]

Potholes




The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

[thedrifter]

Power Failure


I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

[thedrifter]

Power Line Virus Alert!


WARNING -- DANGEROUS VIRUS!!!

There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Win95/98, UNIX, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, VHS, and BetaMax systems.

To prevent the spread of the worm:

1. Don't use the powerline.

2. Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)

3. Don't upload or download files.

4. Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.

5. Don't read messages. Not even this one!

6. Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.

7. Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.

8. Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.

9. Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or air-conditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.

[thedrifter]

The Power of Prayer




A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

[thedrifter]

A Prayer




Dear God,

So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.

Amen

[thedrifter]

Prayers Before Eating




The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," Little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

[thedrifter]

The Preacher's Sermon


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pre-Flight Announcement




A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!"

[jfreas]

Young boy siad to his Mom,"Remember last Saturday when you were gone?" she said yes what about it." I saw Daddy and the Lady next door upstairs in bed and they were, Mom said wait just wait. We'll finish this when your Father gets home. Later that day at the dinner table Mom tells the boy OK, finish your story. So the boy said "Well last Saturday when Mom was gone I saw you and the Lady next door upstairs in bed and you were doing the same thing Mom and Uncle Charlie was doing when you was gone two weeks ago".

[thedrifter]

Miranda Rights

THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 1

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!

THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 2

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking.

2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking.

3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

THE REVISED MIRANDA RIGHTS - VERSION 3

You are under arrest and ...

1. No, I don't care who you are.

2. No, I don't care who you know.

3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.

4. Yes... you CAN have my job.

5. No, I don't have anything better to do.

6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.

7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).

8. No, I can't give you a break.

9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.

10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.

11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.

12. No, we can't talk about it.

13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.

14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

Thank you, have a nice day... TOMORROW!!!

Your Arresting Officer __________

[thedrifter]

Signs You're An Overweight Cop

You spend a lot of your time trying to apprehend Big Macs.

You have two holsters: One for your gun, one for Italian Sausage.

The last time you saw your feet, "Kojak" was on in prime time.

Instead of yelling "Freeze!" you yell "Fritos!"

Even a patrol car's big block engine can't propel you more than 30 mph.

You sometimes work undercover as a sofa.

You take the phrase, "Take a bite out of crime" too literally.

Several times a year, rescue workers have to use jaws of life to get you out of your squad car.

Your ass is known as the fourth precinct.

You're frequently used as a roadblock.

[thedrifter]

Running Over A Pig

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

[thedrifter]

Signs The Police Chief Doesn't Like You As His Employee

* He refers to you as "our mascot."

* Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

* Your locker is also the broom closet.

* The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

* He sends you on drug raids - alone.

* He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.

* He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

* You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery and a broken air conditioner.

* He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

* He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

[thedrifter]

Preparation for Parenthood


Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!

9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

[thedrifter]

Prescription




Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

[thedrifter]

The President and the Puppies




President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democratic puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are. The man responds, "They're Republican puppies."

The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democratic puppies."

The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were, today they have their eyes open!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LATER . . .

President Clinton decides to buy one of the puppies as a present for Hillary. He sneaks the puppy under his coat into the White House and he's walking down one of the halls when he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton can't hold back and shares his surprise with the Vice President.

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

[thedrifter]

If the President Were a Dog ...




WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG
(Broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman)

10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President,"
reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public Enemy # 1 -- Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking
x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate

[thedrifter]

Presidential Accident


One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the President.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you don't need a wheelchair!"

"No, but I will when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

[thedrifter]

Presidential Tragedy

President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of children about tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl.

The girl said, "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."

A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great loss."

Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand. He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy."

Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that would be a tragedy."

The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy. Can you explain why?"

The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!"

[thedrifter]

Pretzels




A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

[thedrifter]

The Price of Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[thedrifter]

The Priest's Collar




A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told the child that he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid.

So the priest took the collar tab out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

[thedrifter]

Priest and Nun




A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.

[thedrifter]

Presidential Answering Service

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch.

Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.

If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.

To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.

If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.

To speak to an operator, press 0.

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.

[thedrifter]

Clinton's Alternatives To Impeachment

* Must take 63 swings to the head from Mark McGwire.

* All of Clinton's interns must now be former "Golden Girls."

* Arrange for him to be President of France, where they're into that stuff.

* The place: San Quentin. The cell mate: Hillary.

* Must deliver next State of the Union speech while wearing "the dress."

* Every day from 9am to 10am, ordinary citizens may come to the White House and sass him.

* At public appearances, "Hail to the Chief" replaced by cheesy porn movie music.

* Must issue formal apology to Ted Kennedy for giving philandering politicians everywhere a bad name.

* See Bobbitt, John Wayne.

* No "Xena" for two weeks.

[thedrifter]

'Twas A Night Before Crisis

Twas a night during crisis and
Bill's feelin' a bit ill,
He hopes Congress will swallow all his B.S.
He gave them their fill.

Ken Starr has informed
every person on earth...
We know it all,
except his legnth and his girth.

We really don't care
about all the sexual facts,
We're more concerned
with the dignity he lacks.

We want a President
we know we can trust,
Not one that we think of
and hope they will bust.

We know Whitewater
was impossible to prosecute...
All the witnesses are gone,
There's no one left to shoot.

Our country is hangin'
out there by a thread,
Seems Ole' Bill
also has China in bed!

Now, some say Linda
was a back-biting pal,
But, Monica knows
this information is foul.

For she is alive to relate all the facts
REMEMBER...
witnesses usually lay in graves,
on their backs.

"It's all a coincidence"
so many should die,
Or is the coincidence
so many WOULDN'T LIE?

40,000,000....they yell
for this screwy mess?
Not much to pay to save
Our Country...NO LESS!!

Bases are closed
leaving us defenseless,
Doesn't anyone think that
this is plain Senseless?

"Economy's good"....
many do scream,
I've got my SSI check,
that was my Big dream!

"Economy's Great"!!!
My pockets are full.
But the guy workin' 2 jobs
knows this is pure BULL!!

Babies are killed
when they're half way born,
the states are all flooded
with drugs and with porn.

Metal detectors
we find in our schools
and there is no respect
for any of the rules.

But its okay to dodge the draft,
don't inhale, lie under oath,
twist the facts to fit your ways
Follow Slick Willie, HE NEVER PAYS!!!!

He uses our laws
to do as he will,
Laws are for common folks,
not for Slick Bill!

Go Ahead,
watch "Friends" on TV,
don't get involved.....
since you really can't see.

Just sit there and complain
about Kenneth Starr,
over a drink
at your favorite bar.

Get it all over with,
My heads in the sand,
Bill's a Great Guy,
I think he's just GRAND!!

Excuse the Scoundrel that
will bury us all
But, don't complain to me,
if the country does fall.

Sorry Buddy, is our reply,
We love this country
and Bill's BOLOGNA
just DON'T FLY!!!

Now, on the real issues
Bill's covered every track.
Hillary's made sure to
give him no slack.

But, Starr is confident...
in every way,
'cause when Slick Willie is horny
he just has to play!

Slick Willie is careless
when Little Willie wants out,
He'll call Monica
She'll come....No doubt!!

She'll even bring Pizza
and we can party in here,
Everyone will keep quiet,
My henchmen are near!

And Willie was sloppy
as we all know,
He let it all hang-out
Woops....There it goes!!!

Subpoenas are issued
and Starr's smiling big,
The country's big chance
To throw out this pig.

We hope its not too late
to bring the jerk down,
And rebuild the country....
On solid good ground.

[thedrifter]

Bill's Questions For The New White House Press Secretary

* "Does cigar smoke bother you?"

* "How many lies per minute can you type?"

* "You wouldn't ask a lot of questions if the President had to hide a girl in your podium, would you?"

* "How long can you stare at Sam Donaldson without giggling at his hairpiece?"

* "Are you willing to work for Al Gore in a few months?"

* "Please state, in 100 words or more, absolutely nothing."

* "Would you talk on the phone with the President while he's 'otherwise engaged'?"

* "Do you give your word that you will do your best -- just kidding, like someone's word means anything around here."

* "Would you mind having sex with Hillary once in a while?"

* "Is your wife cute?"

[thedrifter]

New war joke.




Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq. "American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and decieved you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a body bag."


"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"

"No," answers the other. "It's just a CNN commentator."

[thedrifter]

Priest and Rabbi


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[thedrifter]

Primitive Self-Expression


In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

[thedrifter]

Printer Paper




I recently purchased some Hewlett Packard paper for my laser printer. On the back of the package I saw a list describing the many uses for the multipurpose paper.


"HP Multipurpose Paper is great for multiple original copies,
memos, projects, reports, faxes, E-mail, invoices and other
office printing needs."

E-mail? And to think I've been sending E-mail for years without the proper paper.

[thedrifter]

Printer Repair

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[thedrifter]

Prison Life vs Full-Time Job




In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

[thedrifter]

Problem in New York




Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Procrastinator's Creed




1) I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2) I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work
or find excuses.
3) I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4) I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5) I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6) I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7) I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8) If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9) I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
10) I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11) I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the
work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12) I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13) I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
about forever.
14) I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-
Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever
get it organized.

[thedrifter]

The Prodigal Son Returns

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said ......"

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

[thedrifter]

What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)


You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)

If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)

Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)

The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)

You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)

In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)

Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
(Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.)

Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)

We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.)

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. If will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night to prepare a lecture.)

Any questions?
(I'm ready to let you go.)

The implications of this study are clear.
(I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.)

The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice.
(The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%.)

The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C+.)

The test scores were a little below my expectations.
(Where was the party last night?)

Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone flunked.)

Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
(Has anyone opened the book yet?)

According to my sources...
(According to the guy who taught this class last year...)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

[thedrifter]

What the Professor Says
(What the Professor Really Means)
Part 2




This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)

My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.)

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)

[thedrifter]

Give me the best beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[thedrifter]

Tip or not

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

[thedrifter]

Laws of work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

[thedrifter]

Expensive popcorn

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

[thedrifter]

What's going on there?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

[wayne553]

A True Restaurant Hero, VietNam Vets...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Restaurant owner is a hero

On America FM 100.7 (A local radio station) was doing one of their "Is anyone listening" bits this morning. This first one was, "Ever have a celebrity pull the

'Do you know who I am' routine?"



A woman called in and said that a few years back, while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings, MT., they had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes. Lots of other rancher types and their spouses were already waiting. In comes Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. They want a table. The hostess says they'll have to wait about 45 minutes.
Jane Fonda asks the hostess if she knows who she is.

"Yes, but you'll still have to wait 45 minutes."

Then Jane says, "Is the manager in?"
The manager comes out, "May I help you?"
Do you know who I am?" ask both Jane and Ted.
"Yes, but these folks have all been waiting already and I can't put you in ahead of them."
Then Ted asks to speak to the owner The owner comes out. Jane again asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The owner says, "Yes, I do. Do you know who I am?

I am the owner of this restaurant and a Vietnam Veteran.
Not only will you not get a table ahead of all of my friends and neighbors here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night.

Good bye."

Only in America, what a great country!

To all who received this email. This is a true story and the name of the steak house is Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse 204 W Main, MANHATTAN, MT 59741 (406) 284-6929 The story left out one important part. The owner of the restaurant told Ted Turner that he was a Vietnam Vet and that he (Ted) would be welcome in his restaurant but Ted would have to get that ***** traitor out of his establishment because he would not serve her under any circumstances.

This made my day.......

[thedrifter]

Project Managers


This really happened today.

Scene: Project meeting, conducted by telephone.

Project Manager: How large is the user file?

Me: Right now it's about 4K, but it will grow as you add users.

PM: How much can you fit in 4K?

ME (trying to make it easy): About 4,000 characters.

PM: No, no, son! I mean how many lower case characters can you fit?

ME (puzzled): About 4,000?

PM: And how many upper case characters?

ME (unable to resist): You can fit about 4,000 lower case characters or 1 upper case character.

PM: See? You need a much larger data file.

ME: Yes, sir.

And you thought this only happened in Dilbert strips!

[thedrifter]

Programmer and Engineer




A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[thedrifter]

Programmer Insanity Signs




1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.

3. You think the cleaning lady is singing in tune.

4. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

5. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

6. You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.

7. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).

8. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

9. You understand #8.

10. You write a list like this.

11. You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} U~ or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its repression man fight back!).

12. You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics.

13. You fail to understand what life would be like without caffeine.

14. You have a gif of your significant other and see it more than them.

15. You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look they're following me).

16. You think some comments on this list are funny.

18. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz.

19. You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game.

20. You know more programming commands than actual words.

21. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

[thedrifter]

Programming Genesis


In the Beginning, the Project Manager created the Programming Staff
The Programming Staff was without form or structure
And the Project Manager said, "Let there be organization"
And there was Organization
And the Project Manager saw that the Organization was good
And the Project Manager separated the workers from the supervisors
And he called the supervisors "Management"
And he called the workers "Staff"

And the Project Manager said, "Let there be a mission in the midst
of the Organization...
And then he added "Let it separate the people one from the other"
And it was so...
Those who were to benefit from the system were placed far away
And those who were to build it were placed in boxes called "Cubicles"
And he called the former "End Users"
And he called the latter "Programmers"

And the Project Manager said, "Let one among the Programmers be chosen
to lead"
And there was turmoil, chaos, back-stabbing and arguments for forty
days and nights
Finally the Project Manager selected the most competent among them
And he called the man "Chief Programmer"
The other Programmers decried the selection saying, "What standards were
used?"
And the Project Manager smiled and said, "That is not for you to know."
And the morning and the afternoon of the first phase were past

And the Project Manager called the Chief Programmer before him
And he said, "Prepare for me a schedule so that I may look upon it"
And the Chief Programmer walked among his staff
And the Staff was divided into two sections...
One section was called "Analysts"
And the remainder, he called "Application Programmers"
And it came to pass that each Analyst brought his estimate to the Chief
Programmer
Whereupon the Chief Programmer collected them and combined them into a
"Flow Chart"
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the second phase were past

The Chief Programmer went unto the Project Manager & said, "It shall
take 10 months"
And the Project Manager was not pleased -- lightning flashed and thunder
roared
And the Project Manager said, "I have brought you up from the depths
of the Staff"
And the Project Manager arose and banged on his desk
And the Project Manager said, "And yet you do not see the BIG PICTURE"
The Chief Programmer was afraid and trembled and fled to his office
He hired many consultants and authorized much overtime
And he e-mailed the Project Manager with copies to the Brass above:
"Behold ! See all that I have done. The due date will be five months"
And the Chief Programmer said to his Staff, "Let the specifications be
written"
And the morning and the afternoon of the third phase were past

And there were meetings, and power lunches, and Happy Hours
And there were many faxes, and many e-mailings and many phone calls
And the specifications were written
And the Staff and the consultants were richly paid
The Chief Programmer read the Specs and saw that they were too ambitious
And he separated the mandatory features from the optional features
And he called the mandatory features "Requirements"
And he called the optional features "Deferred"
And the Users called him names from afar
And the morning and the afternoon of the fourth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Requirements be analyzed & the Files
designed"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the Software Houses bring forth their
salesmen"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let us have a Data Management System"
And it was so
The Software Houses brought forth all manner of salesmen with their
presentations
And each claimed wondrous things of their packages
Each according to his own system and file structure
And it came to pass that a Data Management System was selected
And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good
And the morning and the afternoon of the fifth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the System be divided into parts,
each part a Module"
And it was so
And he said, "Let many Teams be formed & let each be assigned a
Module to write"
And it was so
And the Chief Programmer divided the many teams into many levels
There was a single "Lead Programmer"
And there were a few "Senior Programmers"
And there were a lot of "Junior Programmers"
And there were many who could only scribble and these he called "Coders"
He gave the greater dominion over the lesser
And the Chief Programmer saw it was good
And the Senior Programmers saw it was good
And the Junior Programmers grumbled amongst themselves
And the Coders were still trying to locate their cubicles in the confusion
The Chief Programmer said, "Let the programming begin"
And the meetings and the power lunches and the Happy Hours were as before
And the morning and the afternoon of the sixth phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Much OT shall be consumed; there is but
2 months left"
And the Programmers, the greater & the lesser strove hard, as they
were much afraid
And they flowcharted, and they programmed, each in his own fashion
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the work and liked it not
And the Chief Programmer said, "Let there be a Standard"
And lo, there was a Standard
And the Programmers gazed upon the Standard and like it not
And there was much grumbling and sniping within the cubicles
And while there were meetings and lunches, the Happy Hours were no
longer happy
And the Lead Programmers began reading the on-line want ads
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the seventh
phase were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let there be 'Progress Reports' from all"
And there were progress reports
And the Chief Programmer looked upon the Progress Reports
And he saw the due date was not to be met
And he pointed his fingers and caused blame
He caused the blame to fall upon all manner of things
He cursed the hardware and the software
He denounced all manner of creatures his eyes fell upon
Then, the Chief Programmer arose a bought a new suit
He shaved his head and wiped ashes on his face and arms
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the eighth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer went before the Project Manager and groveled
And he pleaded for an extension of the due date
The Project Manager was exceedingly angry
He cast grave doubts on the ancestry of the Chief Programmer
He cast a multitude of threats to all of the Teams
But it came to pass that an extension was granted
And among the Teams, there was much rejoicing
And there was again "Happy" in the Happy Hours
And one by one, the modules were completed
And the morning and the afternoon and the evening of the ninth phase
were past

The Chief Programmer said, "Let the Modules be integrated one with
the other"
Two by two, the Modules were integrated, one with another
And great difficulties were experienced
And many hours of overtime were used
And many gallons of coffee were consumed
And it came to pass that System testing was completed
And the morning & the afternoon & the evening & the night of the tenth
phase were past

The the Chief Programmer did go unto the Project Manager
The Chief Programmer said, "Behold ! I bring you glad tidings of
great joy"
And the Project Manager smiled for the first time in a long time
The Chief Programmer said, "For on this day The System is completed"
And suddenly there was with them a multitude of Users praising the
System
And the morning and the afternoon of the eleventh phase were past

And it came to pass that the Project Manager received a phone call
The speaker identified himself as a spokesman for the users
All he said was, "Could you make these few little changes ?"
And the Project Manager dropped the phone and wept...

[thedrifter]

Programming the Hard Way




A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis.

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

[thedrifter]

The Protestant Dictionary




AMEN: The only part of any prayer that everyone knows.

AND IN CONCLUSION: A required statement midway through the sermon.

BAPTISTRY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the sermon.

CHOIR: 1. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to pantomime singing. 2. If the music is quality, the words cannot be understood. 3. If the words are quality, the music is lousy.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Protestant Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the service, consisting of the pastors, the choir, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song on Sunday AM, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

UNKNOWN TONGUES: Mother's pantomime instructions to her kids from the choir.

USHERS: The only people in the church who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[thedrifter]

Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

[thedrifter]

Proud of You

As one of the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

[thedrifter]

Prove It!




Proof by example:
----------------
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains
most of the ideas of the general proof.


Proof by intimidation:
---------------------
"Trivial."


Proof by vigorous handwaving:
----------------------------
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.


Proof by cumbersome notation:
----------------------------
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.


Proof by exhaustion:
-------------------
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.


Proof by omission:
-----------------
"The reader may easily supply the details"
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."


Proof by obfuscation:
--------------------
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically
related statements.


Proof by wishful citation:
-------------------------
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a
theorem from the literature to support his claims.


Proof by funding:
----------------
How could three different government agencies be wrong?


Proof by eminent authority:
--------------------------
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."


Proof by personal communication:
-------------------------------
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete
[Karp, personal communication]."


Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
---------------------------------------
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is
decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."


Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
---------------------------------------------
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found
in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological
Society, 1883.


Proof by importance:
-------------------
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the
proposition in question.


Proof by accumulated evidence:
-----------------------------
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.


Proof by cosmology:
------------------
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless.
Popular for proofs of the existence of God.


Proof by mutual reference:
-------------------------
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in
reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in
reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in
reference A.


Proof by metaproof:
------------------
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness
of the method is proved by any of these techniques.


Proof by picture:
----------------
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with
proof by omission.


Proof by vehement assertion:
---------------------------
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.


Proof by ghost reference:
------------------------
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the
reference given.


Proof by forward reference:
--------------------------
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is
often not as forthcoming as at first.


Proof by semantic shift:
-----------------------
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for
the statement of the result.


Proof by appeal to intuition:
----------------------------
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

[thedrifter]

Prunes


Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.

His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not."

But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator.

A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,"this will teach him a lesson."

Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes."

[thedrifter]

Psychic Hotline




A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."


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[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
A: They both go down easy.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

[thedrifter]

Bad Financial Advice

A blonde girl in tears came running to her father.

"What's the matter?" asked the father.

"You gave me some bad financial advise," she said.

"I did? What did I tell you?"

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," said the blonde girl. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'No Funds'."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them

Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

[thedrifter]

Blonde Nun

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.

[thedrifter]

Pulling Hair




Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

[thedrifter]

The Pun Contest


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


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