Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Panty Hose


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[thedrifter]

The Parachute Paradigm



You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code
red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives
who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
all four languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without
a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right
to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the
other person.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
it works fine.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable
coincidences, studies have shown
no link whatsoever between airplane
crashes and death.

[thedrifter]

A Paradigm



"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Parental Observations





- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to
your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose
your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be
everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he
looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come
when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be
far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much
patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers
are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to
chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

[thedrifter]

Parenting Test

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to
take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?
A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like
'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old
female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test
will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have
the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils
ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One --- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1) I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2) ... and this time I really mean it.
3) Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4) See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5) Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6) One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7) Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8) Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9) Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10) Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1) Tickle Me ____________.
2) 101 _________________.
3) The Berenstain _________.
4) Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5) _______________ Nuggets.
6) _______________ Meals.
7) Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
1) Amoxicillin
2) Legos
3) Pull-Ups
4) Push-Ups
5) Tubes
******
A) Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B) Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C) A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D) A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E) A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1) It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2) She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3) You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages,
two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled
parent. How will you accomplish this?
4) At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl,
and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will
this be done?

Section Five -- Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -

Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?

[thedrifter]

Parenting Want Ad




JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

[thedrifter]

Parent-Teacher Conference




Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

[thedrifter]

Parent-Teacher Conference


When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."


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[thedrifter]

Parent's Glossary of Kid's Kitchen Terms


APPETIZING:
Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR:
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

DESSERTS:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT:
Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR:
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK:
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS:
Gourmet cooking.

FROZEN:
Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS:
The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN:
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS:
Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER:
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP:
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI:
Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP:
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

NAPKIN:
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD:
Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION:
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE:
A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake'N Spray.

TABLE:
A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument

THIRSTY:
How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

[thedrifter]

Parking Lot Rules




(How many of these can you relate to?)

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.

Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the mess out of them.

Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious

Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.


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[Phantom Blooper]

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper
in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day
working on the fifty-third floor. At about 11:30, after
a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.
He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think
I can go down and take a pee real quick."

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies,
"It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten
to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare.
Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week."
"I tell ya what" says the foreman. "I'll stick this here
plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do
what ya gotta do."

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his
pants and starts to pee. Meanwhile the phone rings
inside. The foreman, forgetting he was holding the
plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs
over to answer it. Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death
and the foreman gets brought up on charges of
murder. The prosecution has one witness that was
on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of
what happened, the witness looks around, leans
forward and says, "You know what I think? I think it
had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers."

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells, "What the
hell kinda nonsense is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed
the 25th floor he was holding his penis and screaming
'where'd that cock sucker go?!'"

[usmc4669]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix, Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew around them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

[nc.gal]

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5.000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. "We'll ship her home", says the guy. The undertaker asks,"Are you sure?That's an awfullyl big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says,"Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead,I just can't take that chance."



REMEMBER FOLKS, GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR ALSO.

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johny was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything to help him. Finally, they took him to a loval catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started to study. Books and paper pere spread out all over the room and Johnny was hard at work. His mom was amazed. Later she called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. THis went on for some time, day after day, while his mom tried to understand what had brought such a profound difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He wuietly laid it on the table, wnt up to his room and hi the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card. To her surprise, Johnny got an A+ in Math. She could no longer hold her curiosity and she rent to his room and sad, " Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Johnny looked at her and shook his head no. "well then" she asked, "was it the books? Are they better? Was it the discipline, the structure, uniforms-What was it?" Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two six year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. THe teachers had tried everything to make them behave. With time outs, notes home, missed recesses. But,they could do nothing with them. FInally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "son,do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and asked the same question,again The little boy bolted out of the chair and rushed past his friend in the waiting room and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened?"The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

[Phantom Blooper]

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
TECH: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
TECH: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER: "They disappeared."
TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER: "Nothing."
TECH: "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I tell?"
TECH: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a sea-prompt?"
TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER: "What's a monitor?"
TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER: "I don't know."
TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER:..."Yes, I think so."
TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER: ......."Yes, it is."
TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER: ......"Okay, here it is."
TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER: "I can't reach."
TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER: "No."
TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
TECH: "Dark?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUSTOMER: "I can't."
TECH: "No? Why not?"
CUSTOMER: "Because there's a power outage."
TECH: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
CUSTOMER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

The Man of the House

The husband had just finished his book, "The Man Of The House."

He then stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward."

He continued, "Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Phantom Blooper]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

" Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave ?"

" Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, " they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

" There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness !!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

" Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

" I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

" So bust him," said the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

" No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, " Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:" Bigger."

Chief:" Governor ?"

Cop:" Bigger."

" Well," said the Chief,"Who is it ?"

Cop: " I think it's God!"

Chief:" What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:" He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

[Phantom Blooper]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads,and throw the bottles under the seat.

" "what fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
drinkin'?

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[thedrifter]

Parking Space


Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

[thedrifter]

The Parking Ticket


I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[thedrifter]

Parked Cars in the Snow


It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

[thedrifter]

Parking


A guy had been unemployed for several months and unable to find a job. After numerous applications, he was finally invited to a downtown business for a job interview. Upon arriving downtown, he was unable to find a parking spot near the building where he needed to go. Thinking that someone parked along the curb near the building where he needed to go would surely be leaving soon, he circled the block. After 20 minutes of pure frustration in not finding a parking spot he decided to park at a red curb, rather than be late for his interview. Prior to leaving his car, he wrote this note and placed it on the windshield:


Dear Officer,

I have been driving around this block for twenty minutes.
If I don't do this it means my job. FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS!!!


The man proceeded into the building where the interview went really well. Upon returning to his car, he noticed a parking ticket on the windshield. Next to the ticket was a note that read:


Dear Sir,

I have been driving around this block for twenty years.
If I don't do this it means my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION !!!

[thedrifter]

The Parrot




So there's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[thedrifter]

A Partridge in a Pear Tree


Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling
but I must insist. You're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never
stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight
maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is
poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just
lay off me.

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all
over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the
police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

[thedrifter]

Parts is Parts


A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Pass It Along




My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

[thedrifter]

Password Security Guidelines


For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have
been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow
them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

1. Minimum length 8 characters
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on
Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change
if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11,
commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the Internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
12. Changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Incontrovertible by OJ Simpson's lawyers.
16. Undecodeable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking
form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
19. Self-escrow able to enable authorities to capture kiddie-porn people
and baddies but not the goodies ("but we'll only decode it with a
court order, honest").
20. Not decrypt able by exhaustive application of possible one-time pads.

Due to the severity of the restrictions, if the password is entered
incorrectly 3 times at login time, you will be asked if you would like to
pick a new one.

[thedrifter]

Passwords for Kids

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[usmc4669]

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called hislawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form."

"You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"

"That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man gasped... "One less
Democrat.."

[Phantom Blooper]

AP News Wire
29 March, 2004
In consideration on the Madrid bombing and threats of bombing in France, the French government today announced an increase in the Terror Alert level. On the following French Terror Alert scale (Ignore, Run, Hide, Surrender, Collaborate), the Terror Alert status has been increased from "Run" to "Hide" according to anonymous French government officials.

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With pain in his voice Sam replied,. . . . . . "The balcony..."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Phantom Blooper]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What
is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and
you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like
your sister's." Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

[Phantom Blooper]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. He was astounded
to see that the driver was knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" she yelled back.
"IT'S A SCARF!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns. In an effort to get them to move, one of the men said in a very loud voice, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there."




The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there
are only 50 nuns there."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."


One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm
voice said Why don't you go to hell..... there aren't any nuns there."
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Past Prognostications




"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad
that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for
3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll
come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't
got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to
accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

[thedrifter]

Pay Day


A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me too?"

[thedrifter]

Pay Phone




The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

PC Message Glossary



(What the PC message is / what the PC message really means)

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmer's joke.
Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes,
only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use
one of the bits below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."

[thedrifter]

The Pearly Gates


A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[thedrifter]

The Pearly Gates 2


A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

[thedrifter]

Peat Moss




A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

[thedrifter]

Pebble Beach


A golfer, well into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT... STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

[thedrifter]

The Perfect Husband


There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $80,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling the bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $750,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $710,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[thedrifter]

Perfect Par


A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?", to which the man would *always* reply, "Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying all this time. There s no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...another perfect par!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

Marines are sensitive and caring people:

A woman meets a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place. As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are literally hundreds of teddy bears on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf. Cute Cuddly medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is quite surprised that a Marine would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. Although she decides not to question him about it, she actually is quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly........they kiss softly...........then again. Soon their passion has overwhelmed them, and she leads him quietly to the huge king-size bed along the far wall. After spending an intense night of passion, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The Gunny, stifling a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[thedrifter]

Pencil Manufacturers Sued


DEMOCRATS SUE PENCIL MANUFACTURERS

For the past thirty years America's public schools have been producing students who are increasingly less educated. Democratic politicians across the country feel that pencil manufacturers are the ones responsible for creating this education crisis and are filing lawsuits against them.

One of the cities suing the pencil industry is Oakland, California. Said one Democratic City Councilwoman in Oakland, "It is an undisputed fact that 99% of all American public school students use pencils on a daily basis. These pencils are faulty because they allow students to spell words incorrectly, as well as commit grammatical and mathematical errors. It is time that pencil manufacturers be held accountable for their role in producing inferior students."

The City of Atlanta is also suing pencil manufacturers. The Mayor of Atlanta told BNN, "The pencil makers currently have technology available to put 'Student Safety Devices' on their products. But they refuse to do it. These 'Student Safety Devices' would prevent students from committing academic errors and help them to be better pupils . Our lawsuit is designed to send a message to pencil producers that we will no longer allow them to victimize the children in our school district."

Pencil manufacturers, however, claim that their products do not cause students to commit academic errors. Said Lawrence McDowell of the Sanford Pencil Company, "A pencil is an inanimate object. It is a tool which a student uses at his or her ability level. In the hands of an intelligent and educated student it can be used for producing excellent academic work. In the hands of a lazy student, who watches nine hours of television a day, a pencil is used to produce inferior academic work. The pencil is not responsible for creating either the excellent work or the inferior work."

The Mayor of Atlanta disagrees with McDowell. Said the Mayor, "That defense is straight out of the National Pencil Association (NPA) handbook. We are trying to do something that will help our students perform better in school. But it is obvious that all they care about is their profit margin."

While the lawsuits against the pencil manufacturers move forward, Democrats on Capital Hill are planning to introduce 'Pencil Control Legislation' that would require every pencil to have a 'Student Safety Device' installed. Republicans, who have traditionally sided with the National Pencil Association are showing signs that they may cave to public pressure and vote with Democrats on this bill.

More on this story as it unfolds.

[thedrifter]

Penguins, 1

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[thedrifter]

Penguins 2




Reported in Audubon Society Magazine:

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

[thedrifter]

The Penny


My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

[thedrifter]

Penny Scales




A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[thedrifter]

Pentagon Ice Cream Names


Bennett Cohen gave up such promising jobs as McDonald's cashier, night mopper at Friendly's Restaurant and pottery wheel delivery person to go into business with his junior high pal, Jerry Greenfield. Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream Parlor opened in May, 1978, in a renovated gas station in Burlington, Vermont, and the rest, as they say, is history.

In addition to its rich, unusual flavors, Ben & Jerry's quickly became famous for its exceptional, community-oriented approach to business. Not to mention being responsible for a certain humor list moderator's addiction to Triple Bypass Ripple.

Apart from his work with Ben & Jerry's, Ben is the founder and President of Business Leaders For Sensible Priorities, which mobilizes business leaders' expertise to redirect U.S. federal budget priorities away from Cold War military spending levels and toward meeting basic human needs.

With that bit of history said, here are:

The Top 10 Pentagon Ice Cream Names
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

10. A Thousand Points of Mint

9. Nukies & Cream

8. $800 Wrench Ripple

7. Taxation Sensation

6. Blowing S'Mocha

5. Taxpayer Crunched

4. Defense Contractors' Delight

3. Delicious Fictitious Budget Crunch

2. When-They-See-How-Much-We-Spent-The-Voters-Are-Gonna-Be Pistachio

and the Number 1 Pentagon Ice Cream Name .....

1. Budget Fudge-It

[thedrifter]

People for the Ethical Treatment of Software


NEWSFLASH!!!!!

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

[thedrifter]

Perfection




There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving
along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)


















The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a
perfect man.
===================================
* A Male Response
* (Page Down )
















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.

[thedrifter]

The Perfect Man




The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR.POTATO HEAD

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Personal Calls


One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[usmc4669]

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.":bunny: :banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."

"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCR*W YOURSELF!"
:banana:

[usmc4669]

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?":banana: :evilgrin:

[usmc4669]

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "F**k off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pu**y!":banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...
"When my wife had whooping cough...?":confused: :banana: :marine:

[usmc4669]

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house...":D :banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
:banana:

[usmc4669]

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!":bunny: :marine:

[usmc4669]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"


:banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
:qmark:

[usmc4669]

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"


:banana:

[usmc4669]

'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

:banana: :banana:

[usmc4669]

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

:D :D

[usmc4669]

Two Soldiers boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Soldier's.

The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Soldier in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the Soudier in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marine's other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked.

What replied the Soldier's?

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newark where the runway is fogged in, and they have nothing to do. John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah," says Bill, "But I hear that you can drink jet fuel and it will give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only real drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all. The phone rings.... with Bill asking John how he feels.
"I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!"
"Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff.... and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."

[thedrifter]

Track Star

Two guys were walking through the woods one day when one of them glanced behind them and noticed a bear following them. He could see that the bear hadn't seen them yet, so he quickly sat on the ground and began taking off his hiking boots. By the time his friend noticed him sitting there, he had pulled his running shoes out of his backpack and was putting them on.

His friend said, "What are you doing ?"

His friend pointed up the trail to reveal the bear coming towards them slowly but surely. He said," Man you're crazy. There's no way you can outrun that bear!!"

As he was standing up, his friend said, " I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!"

[thedrifter]

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

"Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him 'FATHER'"

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. "Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say 'YOUR GRACE'"

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. "You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say 'YOUR EMINENCE!'"

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked "Well ...?"

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream 'OH MY GOD!'"

[thedrifter]

Dog ****

A blonde guy was walking down the street when he suddenly came across a loomp in front of him. "What on earth is this?"

He put his finger in it and tasted it.

G...osh he exclaimed. "It is dog ****. Thank God I didn't step on it"

[thedrifter]

Which hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the ladysitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Girls night out

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls outa $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me.

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

[thedrifter]

A bird in ****

A bird was walking through the forest when it started snowing. It was so cold that his tiny little legs froze to the ground. Suddenly, he started chirping at the top of his tiny lungs, hoping that a farmer would come along and free him.

Two minutes passed, and a cow came along. The cow, not noticing the bird, proceeded to defecate, the **** landing on top of the bird. At long last, the bird was warm, and the warm pile of **** melted the ice around its feet.

Realizing it was free, the bird lifted its wings and tried to fly away, but was once again stuck in the pile of ****. Again hoping a farmer would come along and free him, the bird started chirping.

Three minutes passed and a cat came along. Seeing the bird, the cat came over, pulled him out of the ****, cleaned him off, and ate him.

Moral of the story: The one who puts you in a ****ty situation isn't always your enemy and the one who pulls you out of one isn't always your friend. And if you are warm and happy, shut up and sit still.

[thedrifter]

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"