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thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:23 AM
Name the States .....



The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:24 AM
Naming the Suspects



The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:24 AM
Native Tongue



A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."


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thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:25 AM
Nativity Scene



With Christmas closing in, I'm reminded of the time I was sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order. Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the figurines gathered 'round the manger:

... shepherd ... camel ... wise man ... wise man ...
Princess Leia in slave-girl outfit ... donkey ...
wise man ... Imperial Stormtrooper ... Yoda ...

I can only surmise that the tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene was the "Death Star O' Bethlehem."

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:25 AM
Naval Efficiency



A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:26 AM
The Navy Experience



The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom

* * * * * *

I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights.

2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day.

13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not.

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it.

27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes.

28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs.

29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:26 AM
Near Death Experience



A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live,"

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"

thedrifter
03-08-04, 08:27 AM
The Necklace



A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

DanBO
03-08-04, 01:05 PM
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the
gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling.. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way!
Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion
that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other
one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you
know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through
the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in
his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

(Must have run into a bunch of Marines before!!)

"Semper Fi Mac"

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:20 PM
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:21 PM
An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.

"Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"What was 'terrible'"" said the doctor. "Was the sex not Good?" "

Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:22 PM
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:23 PM
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:25 PM
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:26 PM
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Phantom Blooper
03-08-04, 07:27 PM
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

thedrifter
03-09-04, 07:58 AM
Need a Lift?



As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 07:59 AM
Need a Lift? (ver 2)



An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".


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thedrifter
03-09-04, 07:59 AM
Needed To Be Pushed....




A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....


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thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:00 AM
Neighbors



Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"


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thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:00 AM
Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be


My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:01 AM
Nervous Flyer




I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:01 AM
Never Sick



Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:02 AM
The New Baby



Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:02 AM
New Bicycle



"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:03 AM
The New Cook



The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:03 AM
New Elingsh




Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.


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thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:04 AM
The New Horse



A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!"

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:04 AM
New House




A family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a brand new house in a development nearby.

Very early the next morning, their 3 year-old son ran in to the parent's bedroom to wake them up.

The mother dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:05 AM
New House


When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said.

"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.

But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

thedrifter
03-09-04, 08:06 AM
New Improved Government



The Clinton Administration, for all its foibles, may have actually accomplished something in the field of "re-inventing government", according to a new book by Paul C. Light of the Brookings Institute entitled The True Size of Government. The Clinton/Gore team promised to downsize government in the inimitable style of Corporate America, and they seem to have done a grand job. While cutting a record 350,000 civil service jobs, they further "streamlined" government by adding 16 new administrative layers; as many as were created by the previous seven administrations combined.

As a public service, we are going to clarify a few of these vital job titles for you. First among the new positions is the Deputy Associate Deputy Secretary, who should not be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary, or the Assistant Deputy Assistant Secretary, both of whom report to the Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary and not the Deputy Associate Assistant Secretary, as some mistakenly believe.

The post of Associate Assistant Administrator has been lost; but that role has been ably filled by the Deputy Associate Deputy Administrator, not to be confused with the Associate Deputy Assistant Administrator, or for that matter, the Assistant Deputy Administrator, who, as you will remember, works under the Associate Deputy Administrator. We hope this has now enlightened those of you who were in the dark. And, in case you were considering applying for the job (and we know you were), there is no longer an Assistant Administrator Adjutant Deputy Associate Administrative Aide to the Deputy Associate Administrator.

We here at Inside Cover are speculating that this job still exists, but that it was sadly truncated by a non-conforming, 'mission-critical' computer in a bizarre Y2K accident. (We can only shudder to think what happened to the actual human being, if there was one, who occupied this essential civil post). (http://www.brook.edu)


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Ed Palmer
03-13-04, 07:24 AM
Subject: CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY



Charismatic : Only 1

Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal: 10

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians: None

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None

Candles only.


Baptists: At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change
and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about
how much better the old one was.


Mormons: 5

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians:

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need
for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light
bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid
paths to
luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You
can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your
choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass and share.


Nazarene : 6

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans: None

Lutherans don't believe in change.


Amish:

What's a light bulb?



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This from someone who commutes into DC from Northern Virginia on the metro on a day when protesters were out in force. Their story is a winner.


I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your axx and open it."

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

usmc4669
03-13-04, 01:41 PM
Little Johnny, whose dad is a Marine fighter pilot, and his friend, Smedley, whose dad is a Marine Grunt were chatting, and as boys do, they started telling tall tales.

Smedley says, "My father can run 1000 miles in one day."

Little Johnny says, "Wow. I don't know if my Dad can do that."

Smedley brags, "You know, if my father raises up his hand he can reach the
sky."

Little Johnny replies, "When your father raises up his hand and near
those clouds does he feel something soft up there?"

"Yes," says Smedley.

Little Johnny says, "Well, those are my Dad's b*lls he's feeling."

usmc4669
03-15-04, 07:58 PM
On the night of the masked ball, a woman developed a migraine and told her husband to go alone. Later she she felt better, so she got into her costume, which her husband had never seen. When she arrived and saw her spouse prancing around with one woman after another, she decided to get even.
Seductively, she whispered sweet nothings in his ear and after a long embrace lured him to the garden. Just before midnight, when everyone was to unmask, the woman slipped away and returned home. Her husband didn't arrive until 3 A.M.

"How was the party?" she asked.

"Dull, he said."

"Did you dance much?"

"To tell the truth," her husband replied, when I got there I saw that Pete, Bill and Fred were stag, too, so we went into the den and played poker."

"You played cards all night?" she shrieked.

"Yeah," he told her. "I gave my costume to Charlie. He said he had the time of his life."

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:40 PM
New Intel Chip



INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.

The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.

Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be released for the Very High End Computing sector. The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and supercomputer systems. The chip will have a slightly modified shape, color, and will be stackable. This project is code named Pringles(TM).

Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry insiders believe that the marketing hype for the Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorola's(TM) new chip is just too late and too underpowered compared to the Intel processor. In addition, the Tortilla(TM) is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip and is based upon a very different technology.

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:41 PM
The New Librarian



The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."


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thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:42 PM
New in the Marketplace for this Holiday Season


Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: booklets on sexual responsibility and accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump (all optional), underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:42 PM
New Model


"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:43 PM
The New Nurse


A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:43 PM
The New Pastor 1


Pastor Jim was called to serve a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping and I felt it would be nice to have fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pasor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.

When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "What is a Pinata"?

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:44 PM
The New Pastor




The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"

thedrifter
03-16-04, 04:44 PM
New Perfume


After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:26 AM
New Rules of Golf



(1) Each golfer receives 2 mulligans, to be taken anywhere except in a sand trap or on the green, for every nine holes played without penalty, unless the golfer needs more.

(2) Whenever not on the green or in a sand trap the golfer may move the ball 2 club head lengths, unless really in trouble in which case the golfer may move the ball two club lengths, in any direction.

(3) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from that point. Preferably atop a firm tuft of grass.

(4) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is somewhere on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else. Therefore it becomes a stolen ball. You should not compound the felony by charging yourself with a penalty stroke.

(5) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in atmosphere without support must drop. The laws of gravity supercede the laws of golf.

(6) The same thing holds for a ball that stops at the brink of a hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law! Same rule applies to a ball that rims a cup. A ball moving sideways defies the law of physics.

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:26 AM
New Secretary


The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:27 AM
The New Sitter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.

So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.

"But I thought you said your mother always has hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise.

"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:27 AM
New Teacher



It was the first day at school. The students were all in their seats, waiting for the new teacher to start.

The teacher stands up, and says, "Whoever in here thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

The students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy stood up.

"Do you think you're stupid?" asked the teacher.

"No, said the little boy, "but I didn't want you standing there alone."

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:28 AM
New Technology



A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."


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thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:29 AM
New York City Visit




Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"


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thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:29 AM
Newly Promoted


Sam was excited about his promotion to Vice President at the company where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Sam said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:30 AM
Newspaper Errors


A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.

When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:30 AM
Newspaper Virus Alert!




If you receive a newspaper with an article in it headlined "Budweiser Frog Dies", DO NOT READ IT.

Apparently it is a new sort of virus; the "Newspaper Virus". When this article is read, it will cause the printed characters on the newspaper to 'crash' , that is, come unglued, and fall in a big heap in your lap. This particular virus is very nasty in that it will re-infect any magazine or newspaper that you read afterwards, causing THEIR print to become unusable.

As well, any computer screen viewed with infected eyes will have all pixels on it fall in a pile onto the keyboard, rendering it inoperative. The New York Times this morning confirmed the existence of this virus. Microsoft and Reuters are now investigating it.

THIS VIRUS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. THE UNITED STATES OPTICAL SOCIETY HAS ADVISED ALL READERS TO WEAR COBALT-SAMARIUM TINTED GLASSES BEFORE READING A NEWSPAPER.

PLEASE DO NOT PASS THIS MESSAGE USING E-MAIL, BUT PRINT IT OFF AND MAIL IT INSIDE A BROWN ENVELOPE TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN, USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE!


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thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:31 AM
New Year's Resolutions




Resolutions for 1999
--------------------

- Do my taxes......for 1991.

- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody
hearing.

- Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.

- Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys
at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.

- Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
purchased never showed up.

- I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate.
For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely.
That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading!

A Look Back at Past Resolutions
-------------------------------

RESOLUTION #1
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish The Pelican Brief
1997: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
1998: I will read at least one article this year.
1999: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
1997: I will work out 5 days a week.
1998: I will work out 3 days a week.
1999: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
1997: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
1998: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2000.
1999: I will try to be out of the country by 2000.

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:32 AM
New Year Resolutions for Internet Junkies

---


1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"

10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than "password."

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

thedrifter
03-17-04, 06:32 AM
New Year's Dinner



As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Phantom Blooper
03-17-04, 07:35 AM
A ventriloquist was telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stood up and said, "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I...," the ventriloquist started. "No, Not you," said the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

usmc4669
03-17-04, 05:27 PM
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine. I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is scr*wing Jody Foster?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President

Phantom Blooper
03-18-04, 05:28 AM
A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:05 AM
Haunting Music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.?

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Don't you understand, "He's decomposing".

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:05 AM
Stop that

A drunk is standing, ****ing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!"

The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zipper. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop!!!!!!

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:06 AM
Surprise

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!", replied the voice.

"Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:06 AM
Unemployment officer

Last week, Josh and Big Hoss went down to the unemployment office, looking for work.

Josh: "We heard that the fella who bought the Johnson's house is looking for some good workers."

Unemployment Officer: "Oh, you must mean Mr. Turner. I'll give him a phone call right now."

A few minutes later,

Unemployment Officer: "Sorry, guys. You're partly right....he is fixin' up the Johnson's house - new floors, door, windows, that sort of thing; but says he doesn't need any help."

Big Hoss: "Not what we heard. We heard, after he got the new windows installed, he was looking for some good window shutters."

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:07 AM
Prisoner

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:07 AM
Huge bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.

Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:08 AM
Doomed to Die

Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that did sop him from treatin' Slash special from time to time.

A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash, if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make baked beans for the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of baked beans.

The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?"

Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow.".

The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair."

"Don't matter,", said Slash, "if these beans can't kill me, nothin' can."

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:08 AM
Flight out of Dallas

Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for
Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up
and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spit
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the
other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned
and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine
asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:09 AM
Hiccups

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if she can give him something to cure hiccups. The pharmacist leans over the counter and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for!" demands the man.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

"Lady, I don't have the hiccups... my wife does!"

thedrifter
03-18-04, 08:09 AM
The Christian and the Atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday,
when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to
himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she
know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her,
saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no
God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord
explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. AS

USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Humph . . .

I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of
groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch,
rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the
Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting' everywhere! The
atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ole' crazy lady,

God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she
broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the
Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I
didn't know he was going to make the devil pay for them!"

usmc4669
03-18-04, 01:47 PM
*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t!"

*[An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

*A Marine Scout/Sniper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then stalking 30 miles through the brush to an FFP, says, "I love this sh*t."

*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

wayne553
03-18-04, 07:18 PM
Subject: Retirement

The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in
a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to
choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted,
asked that he be measured from thetop of his head to the tip of his
toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of
$72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked
to bemeasured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip
of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that
he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant
to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure
on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he
suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant calmly
replied....... "Vietnam; have a wonderful day!"

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 06:05 AM
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

Ed Palmer
03-19-04, 07:54 AM
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and
General Minh was in charge, a
popular artist came to him and asked to make a
statue in his honor (at
government expense). "Please, General Minh, you
are the people's hero," he
told him.

"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied
the General.

So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was
unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the General was furious. The
sculpture was made in gold.

"I want bronze," he said, "I told you, want
bronze!"

The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed
with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the
general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.

But again the General was furious. "I want
bronze," he said, "I WANT
BRONZE!"

This time the artist made the sculpture out of
bronze as asked. When the
sculpture was revealed to the General, he was
overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness.

The artist then complimented the General on his
deep humility. But this
notion confused the General.

"But then, why did you want sculpture made of
bronze?"

"Why? I'll tell you why," said the General,
"Because everyone knows that
Minh prefer bronze!"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:26 AM
New York City Driving Rules



1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

11) Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

12) It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

13) Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:27 AM
Newspaper Ad


The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:27 AM
Next Time




One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:28 AM
The Nickel



There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:28 AM
911 Dispatcher



Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:29 AM
The Ninth Green


The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt ....."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:29 AM
A 90's Marriage




I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:30 AM
95th Birthday




"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:31 AM
Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale



And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and the plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

"Government."

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:32 AM
No Brains, No Headache


REAL STORIES OF TECHNICALLY-CHALLENGED PEOPLE


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.
I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries ... it's a long walk."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped
coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something
she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I
got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case
and sure enough, there was 40 cents.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name
to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking
about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down
exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said,
"Yeah, that's it!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to
cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to
unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control, then went in back to make a sandwich.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to
hold?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen."
He then added: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:33 AM
No Button To Stay Put




Exclusive to the Los Angeles Times from the Washington Post
(Printed Wednesday, November 10, 1971)

WASHINGTON -- Health, Education and Welfare Department workers at the 18-story Parklawn Building here were treated recently to a memo on proper elevator button-pushing technique.

The quidelines explain that employees who wish to descend should push the elevator "DOWN" button.

On the other hand, those wanting to go up should push to "UP" button.

Pushing both at the same time, H.E.W. warns, is counter-productive.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tom's note: shortly after I sent this, I received the following comment from a reader of Good Clean Fun.

What a flashback. I worked in a Federal Building in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania from 1972 to 1979. I worked for the Ofice for Civil Rights which fell under H.E.W. jurisdiction.

Well....it was a brand new building. We all moved in before it was finished. Eighteen floors. Six elevator shafts and only one working elevator. Some of us learned (since our office was on the 6th floor) that if you caught the elevator going the opposite direction you could push two different floor buttons (something like 3 & 15) and reverse the direction of the elevator! Boy, did that save alot of time and impressed the dickens out of unsuspecting folks joining you on the ride.

thedrifter
03-19-04, 10:34 AM
No Charge



When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right.

The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist, and these are my bacteria cultures."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 03:27 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 03:29 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

:)

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 08:13 PM
There was a little old lady, who every morning,
stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He
became irritated at
the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her
and yell: "THERE IS
NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way
every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old
lady stepped onto her
front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please
Lord, I have no food and I
am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there
were two HUGE bags of
groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried
out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
shouted: "THERE IS NO
LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady! threw her arms into the air and
shouted: "PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE
DEVIL PAY FOR THEM

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 08:33 PM
An Indian chief had three wives. The first gave birth to a boy. Elated,
the chief built her a teepee of deer hide. The second gave birth, also
to a boy. He built her a teepee of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details secret. He built
this one a two-story teepee, made of hippopotamus hide. No one could
guess what had happened. Finally, a brave guessed the third wife had
had twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you know?" Said the
warrior, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus
is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Phantom Blooper
03-19-04, 08:36 PM
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to New Orleans.

Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin round an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.

He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah-gar-own-tee!

Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun? An how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause ---- de silence was deafanin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is."

Phantom Blooper
03-20-04, 06:24 AM
A prisioner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he recieved another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Phantom Blooper
03-20-04, 09:32 PM
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance,
anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are
you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman." "But I haven't even touched you," says the
officer."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

:banana:

Catz1611
03-21-04, 02:01 AM
:D :D Hee hee!
Those were GRRRREAT! :bunny:

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:04 AM
No Diet, Just Exercise



With the holidays approaching, it is important to keep in shape. Perhaps your New Year's Resolution will be to do more exercise. With that in mind here is a little exercise you can do ... no dieting, just a little exercise. Remember, physical exercise is good for you. This easy daily program can be done by most people. I can do it. You can do it, too. The program can be used without charge. Once you have completed the program you will be saying "Whew! What a work out!" I have been doing these exercises for awhile so my workout is a bit faster than those of you just starting out. Don't worry. You might want to take it easy at first and the do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some, so always consult your doctor before starting this or any exercise program.

Ready? Here we go...

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Now scroll up....... Repeat

Feel the burn?

That's my kind of exercise!

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:04 AM
No Enemies




A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.

"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:05 AM
No Excuse Sunday


An excerpt from a real church bulletin (Aug 4, 1996):

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in Nature. Finally the Sancuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsettias and Easter Lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:05 AM
No Frills Airline?



SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:06 AM
Noise Abatement


"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:07 AM
No More Boys


When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:07 AM
Non-Renewable Resource


The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:08 AM
North Pole Goes Corporate




The recent announcement that Donder & Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher & Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernable loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of his load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French Hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go , and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping & twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers a-suing")action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:08 AM
North vs South




By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here
are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are
on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on an on-ramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names
(i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,
Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
32. You can do your laundry without quarters.
33. None of your fur coats are homemade.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:09 AM
NorthWest United States




You know you live in the NorthWest U.S. if you...

- feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

- know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture
computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.

- can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and
Thai food.

- return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass
was dead."

- know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and
Starbucks.

- take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.

- remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how
long you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather
event in the last five years.

- feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash
instead of recycling it.

- get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes
the term "sun breaks."

- are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country
calls "coffee."

- have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's
policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides or if the number
of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial"list.

- never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress
pads that double as flotation devices.

- know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

- consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently
erupted, regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."

- complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one
for twice what you paid for it.

- find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse
a reward.

- know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

- used to live somewhere else.

- believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent
boating deaths.

- believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.

- own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of
microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.

- wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like
yours. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.

- can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you
can't see them through the clouds.

- think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.

- go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you
only have an eight-hour work day.

- find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your
hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.

- believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.

- You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and
the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two
more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any
assistance.

- you look in your closet to get dressed and you are stumped on whether
to put on your fleece vest, fleece pants, or just go for the fleece
jacket. Then you're stuck when you decide for the jacket and are
confused on which of your six colors you should choose.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:09 AM
No Smoking


During the first few weeks after quitting smoking, one fellow was difficult to live with. Apologizing to his wife for his short temper, he commented, "I've gone from 'Happy' to 'Grumpy.' What's next?"

"Lonely," she replied.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:10 AM
No Longer a Kid


SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age
..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top
of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
(My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

thedrifter
03-21-04, 07:10 AM
Not a Problem


A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Phantom Blooper
03-21-04, 06:24 PM
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS . All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em".
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-21-04, 09:44 PM
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians --
the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
then who is the fool. who said,
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Always get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue,
I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.


Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:52 AM
Not At Work


My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:52 AM
Not Feeling Well



A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:53 AM
The Notice



During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington, factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."

But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:53 AM
Not in My Contract




Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:54 AM
No Talking




After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:54 AM
Not to Worry


A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and the steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:55 AM
Not too Bright!


True Story From San Francisco, California:

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:56 AM
Not Exactly What The Doctor Ordered



This technician is the IT security officer for a health care organization, so his job has two main functions: beefing up security and keeping doctors happy.

"We were increasing the level of security across the board to comply with government regulations," he said. "And as with most health care organizations, all staff members cater to the doctors, no matter what they want."

But he's puzzled when he gets a call from a doctor's assistant asking that the doctor's digital signature be renewed.

Being the security officer, he knew that they had not implemented any sort of digital signature technology, let alone rolled it out to the doctors. He asked how the signature was implemented, and of course the doctor didn't know. So he asked who had originally set this up.

Turns out it was a high-level systems analyst who's been in the organization for years. So he calls her to ask about the digital signature.

"Oh, yeah, I've set up about 30 doctors with digital signatures in their e-mail," she tells him.

"Using what technology?" he asks.

"I have them sign a blank piece of paper, then I scan it and embed the bitmap in their e-mail signature file along with their name and phone number."

"Umm, how long has this been done?"

"We've been using it for over a year," analyst says. "The doctors love it!"

"You realize that anyone you send that e-mail to now has an exact copy of the doctor's signature?" he asks. "And then they can forge all kinds of communications, not only digital but printed, including prescriptions?"

"Oh, I never thought of it that way."

"This needs to stop immediately," he tells her.

"Well, I've told three more doctors that I'll set them up, so I have to do them, but I won't sign up any more after that."

"No, you don't understand," he says. "You will have to remove this from everyone who is using it."

"They won't like that."

"You think they want to find out that someone has forged documents using this 'digital signature'?" he asks.

"I don't think they would like that either," analyst admits.

The technician later found out that this request for renewal of the signature was made because the doctor's original "digital signature" was too legible. He wanted to do it over -- "better."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:56 AM
Not Right


"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:57 AM
The Note Pad



With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

thedrifter
03-22-04, 05:57 AM
Nothing




Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phantom Blooper
03-22-04, 07:15 PM
Three New Hampshire surgeons were having lunch together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon around. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later, he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a** and a neck tie. He's now trying to get the Democratic nomination for President of the United States!"
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-23-04, 04:49 AM
A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger
turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" said little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified
to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know $h*t?"


:banana:

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:15 AM
Nothing ... Nothing at all!!



Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:15 AM
Nothing Personal


"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:16 AM
Obituaries



His four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.

As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:17 AM
Occupation is...?


A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm....a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants--age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......"

Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door!

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:18 AM
Octogenarian Golfer


An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said " I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do, replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:18 AM
Ode to Thanksgiving

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom's note: Many places in the world set aside a time to give thanks, usually a Fall/Autumn festival. While the customs may vary from country to country, the desire to reflect on the blessings of life is common. Here in the United States, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November. Thanksgiving Day is a legal holiday in the United States and was first celebrated in early colonial times in New England.

It is a time for families to get together, give thanks, and celebrate with food (turkey is one of the traditional items). And don't forget football (I bet those Pilgrims loosened their big ol' buckles and just stared at the camp fire ... until half-time). Thanksgiving also marks the unofficial beginning to the winter holiday season.

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:19 AM
An Owed To The Spelling Checker



CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:20 AM
The Offering


A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently it was returned to him ... embarrassingly empty. Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:20 AM
Office Holiday Memo


To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office
and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden
(it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:21 AM
The Office Intern


Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use the copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

thedrifter
03-23-04, 06:22 AM
Office Skills


"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Phantom Blooper
03-23-04, 03:41 PM
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT,
FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A
SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE
CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT
THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS
HE WALKED BY"
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY
I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

Phantom Blooper
03-23-04, 03:43 PM
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS
PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS
BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE
EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"
"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-24-04, 05:27 AM
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Phantom Blooper
03-24-04, 06:12 AM
80-year old George went for his annual physical.
All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said,
"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally
and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good
relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night
to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the
light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great.
But,
I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it
true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goe on in
the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:36 AM
Eddie the Egg

Last night, Eddie the Egg was arrested by police and taken to headquarters for questioning. He's considered to be the prime suspect in the brutal beating of another egg at the farmer's market. The other egg is expected to live, but he's in a coma as his brains have been irreversibly scrambled.

At headquarters, the police could not get a confession out of Eddie. They tried putting him in a chair under a hot light. All they accomplished was getting Eddie really boiled-up and rolling all over the place. The police had to put him into a straight-jacket to contain him. Yet, Eddie continued to roll all over the place. The police pulled the straps of the jacket tighter. Finally, Eddie confessed...he "cracked" under the pressure.

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:37 AM
Great Restraint

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:37 AM
Good news and bad news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:37 AM
The Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:38 AM
Mr. Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.

A couple of miles down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

The irritable, Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you kindly get lost? I'm trying to take a ****!"

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:38 AM
Remote control

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:39 AM
Engine problems

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:39 AM
Lotto

A Jewish man won a million dollars playing lotto, so he went down to the pub with his mates.

One of his mates asked "Now you've won all that money , what you plan on doing with it".

Well, he replied, first I'll donate half to homeless children , then my wife and I will take a long and expensive holiday and really spend money , then I'll donate the rest to the nazi's alive convention.

His mate said good on you for the first 2 things you mentioned but as for the nazi 's why would you after what they have done to your race during the war. The Jewish man replied rolling up his sleeve and holding out his arm , well how do you think I got the numbers.

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:39 AM
Hell's Angels Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a
seat at the counter.

Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:40 AM
A little old lady

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but
the best for my little kitten on Christmas". The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat". The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated, she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then sold the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there". The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap". The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet
paper?

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:40 AM
Three guys and a Genie

Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Okie are out walking Together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie Pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's
three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.

The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Texas, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Texas.

The Okie asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."

The Okie says, "Fill it up with water."

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:41 AM
Wisdom teeth

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

thedrifter
03-24-04, 06:41 AM
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

When their train stopped briefly at a large station house in Canada, an American couple traveling cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to stretch their legs.

Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a pile of baggage, the American asked, "What town is this?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," came the reply.

"Why don't you ask this next gentleman, dear?" the man's wife said. "Perhaps he speaks English."

Phantom Blooper
03-24-04, 07:26 AM
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front
of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other. Trixie quickly
lost
all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her,
carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "...how'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."
Patty said, "You should have been with me!! ...Did I ever find a good
machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . . you just
can't lose! Ever time you put a five dollar in, you win twenty quarters!"

:banana:

Ed Palmer
03-24-04, 09:31 AM
So there were three guys obsessed with drinking, having sex, and smoking. They went to the doctor and the doctor told them if they did any of these things again they would die.

So they left the doctor's office and were walking down the street all sad and disapointed. The guy that was obsessed with drinking saw a bar, he ran in, and drank some beer and he died.

The remaining two guys continued down the street worried when the guy that was obsesessed with smoking saw a cigar in the street. He started running for it but the guy that is obssessed with sex yelled "DON'T BEND OR WE'LL BOTH DIE!"

jonh1972
03-24-04, 09:31 AM
An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor was teaching a university
class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform.
I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God, "Here I am, God.
I'm still waiting." As the last minute approached he smugly smiled.

A young US Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in
the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force on the chin
sending him flying from his platform and crashing to the floor.

The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled, "WHAT's the matter
with you! Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent The Marines"

Life is good.

Ed Palmer
03-24-04, 09:33 AM
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"

usmc4669
03-24-04, 09:58 AM
Phantom Blooper
What's the punch line?

usmc4669
03-24-04, 05:55 PM
One day, three O-6s were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. " POOF!" God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." POOF!" God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Navy Captain had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, AND the intelligence to cross this river." POOF! God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

Phantom Blooper
03-24-04, 10:34 PM
My Evil Brother Was A Saint…


There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Phantom Blooper
03-25-04, 05:30 AM
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see

if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would
that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to
all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me
into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Phantom Blooper
03-25-04, 05:38 AM
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until your father gets home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE. "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

:banana:

Ed Palmer
03-25-04, 07:43 AM
A young reporter went to a retirement home to
interview an aged but legendary explorer. The
reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal
tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow
path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind
me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to
get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!
I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances
anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now
when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young reporter went to a retirement home to
interview an aged but legendary explorer. The
reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal
tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow
path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind
me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to
get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!
I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances
anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now
when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:47 AM
Officer's First Patrol




A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:47 AM
Oh-pun Season


(This was sent in various flavors ... just substitute the name of your favorite airport).

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

(You may groan now!)

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:48 AM
Oil Change


This is a compilation of a couple of postings from HAND.

Women are straight forward when it comes to changing the oil. However, it seems that there are three types of men when it comes to this subject. There is the typical man, the smart man, and the really smart man.

WOMAN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


TYPICAL MAN:

1. Go to the local auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, oil filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly, dump it in a hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish the case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11. Buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit the pinup calendar on the garage wall.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be past time for another oil change.


SMART MAN:

1. Makes Sure that the proper tools are in place and at hand.
2. Jacks the car.
3. Places jack stand in underneath.
4. Removes plug and drains Oil.
5. Replaces plug now that the oil has stopped.
6. Removes used oil filter (who needs a wrench when they're supposed to be hand-tightened anyway?)
7. Hand-tightens new oil filter (complete with freshly oiled ring) into place.
8. Pours new oil into the engine.
9. Cleans tools, pours old oil into container, lowers car from jacks and jack stands. Recycles the oil properly.
10. Drives a well maintained Vehicle.


REALLY SMART MAN:

1. Checks his mileage and notes that it's time for an oil change.
2. Notes that the wife is going to the Mall this afternoon.
3. Asks if she'd mind taking it into the Sears at the mall while she's there.
4. Wife drives a well maintained vehicle and he doesn't miss any football.

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:48 AM
Oil Shortage, An Explanation


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:49 AM
Oily Hair


Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me, then replied, "Do I smell like Popeye?"

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:49 AM
Old Ammunition


A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.

"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."

The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.

There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:50 AM
Old Apartment


I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:50 AM
The Old Couple

While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of thecar to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:51 AM
Old Friends


Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me ... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:51 AM
Old Friends


Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turns to the other and says, " Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"

thedrifter
03-25-04, 07:52 AM
Old Geezers


A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:19 AM
Old Golfers




Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly
difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his
eyesight. "I can't play with my glasses on because they keep falling off,"
he said. "And I'm too darn nearsighted to play without them."
"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man suggested.
"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day, and he
can't get around without a wheelchair!"
"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."
So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took
a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy, that felt good!" he
exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked Hughes.
"Yes," the very old man replied.
"Where did it go?"
"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:19 AM
Old Home




We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:20 AM
The Old Junker


His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:20 AM
The Old Man On The Mountain


There was a man who lived for fifty years on a mountain which was located next to a small town. People sometimes wondered what the man was doing up there, but nobody ever went to find out.

Then suddenly one day, the "Mountain Man" started down from the mountain heading to the town.

Word spread and everybody was extremely curious to see what this man had to say, and by the time he had arrived, everyone in the town had gathered to see him. When the man had reached the crowd, he stopped and greeted them.

A reporter approached the man and asked, "What were you doing on the mountain for fifty years?"

The man replied, "I was meditating on the meaning of life."

"Well, what have you decided about the meaning of life?"

The man took a deep breath, opened his arms to the heavens and in a deep voice said, "Life is like a TOMATO."

The crowd went silent as everybody attempted to understand this strange notion.

Suddenly a man from the back of the crowd shouted, "Hey, but life isn't like a tomato!"

The old man dwelled upon this statement for a few moments and then replied casually, "OK, it isn't."

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:21 AM
The Old Prospector




The old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains before, having lived his whole life in the desert, so when he heard the train whistle it meant nothing to him. He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a glancing blow, but it did result in some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones and some bruises, requiring several weeks in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the old prospector, "Why'd you do that to my teakettle?"

The prospector replies with complete sincerity, "Because, ... you gotta kill them things when they're small."

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:22 AM
Old Words - New Meanings


Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:23 AM
Ole's Obituary


Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You just put, 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:23 AM
On the First Day of Christmas, I Nearly Broke My Neck...


True story.

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the $%^&*( stairs," I explained.

"Anything broken?"

"No, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before I heard, "Oh, that's good. What about my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:24 AM
1 in 360


During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-26-04, 06:24 AM
The 100GB Bug

EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG

Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

Ed Palmer
03-26-04, 12:00 PM
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,"Son,
what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

nc.gal
03-26-04, 01:04 PM
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,"So,how's your breakfast this morning?"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
by: Dr. L.Kransdorf,Detroit,Mi.

nc.gal
03-26-04, 01:17 PM
A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing.It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completly disrobed on the operating table,the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,"Keep off the grass."Once the surgery was completed,the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,which said,"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

cpl_daley
03-26-04, 03:11 PM
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....
"One U.S. Marine is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence.

The voice then calls out... "One Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis." Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine's voice calls out again.... "One Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis." The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander...


"Don't send any more men.... it's a trap.... there's two of them!"

Phantom Blooper
03-26-04, 04:28 PM
Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"! "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-26-04, 09:17 PM
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

______________________________
Signature
Date


U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment


I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

_____________
Signature
Date



U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment


I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

_________________________
Signature
Date



U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment



I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.

______________________________

Thumb Print
Date (Y/N)

:marine:

Phantom Blooper
03-26-04, 09:29 PM
A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F**king khakis."

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 06:14 AM
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:29 AM
189 Pieces


A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:29 AM
On the Tarmac.....




One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:30 AM
One Thing I've Learned in Life is ...



~~~ One Thing I've Learned in Life is... ~~~
(A Laugh-A-Lot.com Original!)

...if at first you don't succeed, look in the wastebasket for
the directions. - Tim, Age 26

...the older I get, the smarter my parent's get. - Janetta, Age 31

...never to beam down to the planet if you're wearing the red
shirt! - Chris, age 37

...breath in, ...breath out... - Kevin, Age 34

...there's nothing better than to be loved. ...well, maybe
eating chocolate! - Vivien, Age 42

...the only person I have to be better than, is the person
I was yesterday. - Debbie, Age 37

...don't let a restaurant serve your food cold. - Ellen, Age 39

...never to let your kids find out your age. - Barrie, Age 41

...becoming an adult was painful -- Being an adult is the BEST!!!
- Robert, Age 52

...the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN'T say that to everyone.
- Alan, Age 28

...OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age.
- Saucke, Age 42

...that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable.
- Shewolf, Age 36

...some things never change, some things should be changed, some
things can't be changed, and sometimes after you change things,
you wish you hadn't! - Doreen, Age 34

...if you ever get in a fight with a woman, plead insanity.
They will not argue with that. - Kevin, Age 15

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:30 AM
On Time for Church



A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:31 AM
The Only Stupid Question...




The only stupid question is the one that is never asked. Except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:32 AM
Oops!



"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:32 AM
Oops!



Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:33 AM
Open Please



When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:33 AM
Opening a Can


As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

thedrifter
03-27-04, 06:34 AM
The Operation




A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 07:18 PM
The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 07:34 PM
"HMO Policy"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his
wife's test results. The lab tech says to him: "I'm
sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and
we have a problem. When we sent the samples
from your wife to the lab, the samples from another
Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is
either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible. Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't
pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in
the middle of town. If she remembers the way home,
don't sleep with her
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 07:42 PM
Doctor's Orders

"I see you're over a month late for your appointment," said the
psychiatrist. "Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt
and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

"Doc," said the patient, "I was just following your orders."

"Following my orders?" he asked. "What are you talking about? I gave
you no such order."

"Sure you did," replied the patient. "You told me to avoid people
who irritate me."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 09:45 PM
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.



She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.



So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,

screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.



She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a

battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!



Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.



"You impotent son of a gun," she screamed at him,

"how could you be lying to me all of these years?



You'd better explain yourself!"



The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:



"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 09:50 PM
Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer told him he had buried them.


The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"


The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 09:52 PM
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.

"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.


"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.


"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 09:57 PM
Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."


The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.


The fourth one said, "I like to operate on politicians. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their a$$ are interchangable."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-04, 10:07 PM
Far out at sea two Irish men were stranded
on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.

"I will give you one wish".the genie bellowed

Without thinking the second man yelled " I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!".

"You idiot",yelled the first man,"Now we will have to pee in the boat".
:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 06:06 AM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can. The bartender asks, "My goodness, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have." The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "An empty wallet."

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:45 AM
The Operation


This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:46 AM
If Operating Systems Were Beers



DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon
to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so
you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or
a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors
are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.


The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:46 AM
Optimist and Pessimist




Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:47 AM
Optimist, Pessimist, and Engineer



The optimist: This glass is half full.

The pessimist: This glass is half empty.

The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:47 AM
Orchestral Managed Care



The president of a large managed health care facility also served on the board of his community's symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:

The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:

A. The attendance of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.

B. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.

C. All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality.

D. Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to eighths. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.

E. No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by the utilization review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony!

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:47 AM
Organized?


My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:48 AM
The Origin of Pets




It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see Me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:48 AM
Ot Yet?



I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:49 AM
Outrunning A Ghost




There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

thedrifter
03-28-04, 07:50 AM
Overbooked Plane




We can't verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more resourceful about supplementing their incomes...

A reader reports that, while sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 08:56 AM
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl

asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much

does it cost?"


"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.


"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."


With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the

clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly

held it out.


The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man

standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 09:00 AM
The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of
spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.


"Forty dollars."


The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled

out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."


"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.


The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse

movin', the other side'll go too."

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 09:01 AM
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says ?You don?t know Jack Schitt?. Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of Knee-deep & Schitte, Inc.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parent?s objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.


Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the ?Schitt-Happens? wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.


So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 09:05 AM
Grass Hut Palace

Did you hear about the native chief who lived on an island. He decided he wanted more power and status, so began invading the surrounding islands. Each time he deposed another island king, he would steal the kings throne and take it back to his own island and place it in his grass hut palace (they didn't have any bricks).


Anyway, one day he heard that there was a very rich and powerful king on an island three days away by boat. It was a long way, and his warriors would be tired by the time he got there but he became consumed with wanting to overthrow this king. So, after hollowing out the BEST dugout canoes ever, he selected his twenty best and fiercest warriors and set off towards the kingdom. When he got there his men were indeed tired, but they fought like animals and eventually won the day and killed the king of the island. When our king saw the dead kings palace, he couldn't believe it. Riches and jewels all over the place but, best of all, a GOLDEN throne, encrusted with precious gems and carved most exquisitely. Problem was, it weighed mightily! HOW, he thought, can I get this throne back to my own island to show it off to my people?


His men set about it and built a HUGE canoe raft made of forty tree trunks. They struggled, but after over a week of sailing, they got the throne home. The king went to put it in his grass palace, but what with all the other thrones from previous victories, and what with this one being so big, there wasn't room! He thought, then decided that he would just have the NEW throne in his palace. He didn't want to get rid of all the others, so instructed his men to put all the others thrones in the roof space of his grass palace. This they did, and moved in the kings new throne.


After it was done, he reclined, reflecting in what a GREAT and POWERFUL king he was, and how his subjects must LOVE him. Just then, the weight of the other thrones became too much for the flimsy roof and they came crashing on to the king, killing him stone dead!


And, of course, the moral of THIS story is.........

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PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T STOW THRONES!!!!

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 05:36 PM
Redneck Driver's License Application
Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)

First name: First name:



[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue



Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician



Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________



Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet



Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___



Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)



Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)



Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom

____ shed



Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_



Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun



___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO



How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable



How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A



Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man



How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know
PLEASE COMPLETE AND RETURN WHEN APPLY IN PERSON.
PHOTO NEED TO COMPLETE APPLICATION.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 06:29 PM
Twelve thoughts to ponder today......

12. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

11. Life is sexually transmitted...

10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these Terrorists that came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visa some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration & Homeland Security...

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 06:35 PM
A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..
"Hey grandpa, no one's around can I have some?"

The Grandpa thought a moment then said, "Well, does wee wee reach your butt?"

"Umm..no."

The Grandpa smiled, "then you can't have one."


Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, "Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?"

The grandpa replied, "Does your wee wee reach your butt ?"

The boy frowned, "No."

"Then you can't try it."


The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, "Hey sonny pass one of those over here."

The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, "That depends, does your wee wee reach your butt ?"

The Grandpa laughed and said, "Why yes it does."

To this the boy replied, "Then you can go screw yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!"
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 08:00 PM
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 08:16 PM
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a

beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping

stops. The others look at him curiously.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of

my arm."


A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm

to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.

I have a microchip in my hand."


The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.

In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending

from his a$$. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a fax," he explains.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-04, 08:24 PM
A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, "excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?" The man says, "To me, you look 35." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and walks to on.

Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, "To me, you look 29." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and then leaves.


At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, "I'm 87, my eye sight isn't that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes." The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her...


...after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, "Alright, you're 47." The guy is surprised and says, "WOW! How did you know?" The old woman says, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

Tom D
03-28-04, 08:59 PM
The redneck application made me laugh so hard I had tears and stomach cramps!!!!

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 06:18 AM
THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY * Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. * You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? * I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person! * Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!! * What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? * Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party. :banana:

thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:48 AM
Overdue Bill


A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."


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thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:49 AM
An Owed To The Spelling Checker

CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:49 AM
Owl Calling



"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them.


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thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:50 AM
The Owl and the Cow


An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:

The bird I am going to write about is the Owl.

The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.


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thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:50 AM
Pack a Parachute




A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:51 AM
The Packing Slip




This packing notice was included in the packaging of a SCSI drive
shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A
POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida
Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
Eastern Europe.


Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody
cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret and not
Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-
Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO
JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a
large occurrence! However. If this in not trouble, such
rotations a very maintenance action, as kindly (something)
virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves
and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:52 AM
The Pager




A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:52 AM
Paid by the Week




A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."


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thedrifter
03-29-04, 06:53 AM
Pain


This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?"

"You've broken your finger!"

nc.gal
03-29-04, 11:29 AM
THIS IS A TRUE STORY-----
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,proceeding! to scream at the top of her voice,"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!Get out of the car!"--the four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, The lady somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why---A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.He pointed to the other end of the counter,where 4 pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,less than five feet tall, glasses,curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. :banana:

nc.gal
03-29-04, 02:04 PM
Down at Spanishburg a father was watching his daughter playing in the garden.He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked. "They're mating",her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top,Daddy?",she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs", her father answered. A pause!!"So,the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No", her father replied.
"Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat."Well, that might be OK in California and New York, but we're not having any of that crap in West Virginia"!!!!!!.

usmc4669
03-29-04, 02:47 PM
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 06:51 PM
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after
the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than
they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was
annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had
been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to
play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have
to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as
we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The
Star Spangled Banner. " And that is how the substitute became the regular
organist!

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 06:54 PM
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 07:09 PM
The Final Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning

against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile

on its face.

The egg, looking decidedly unhappy, grabs the sheet and rolls over

and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT

question!"

:qmark:

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 07:10 PM
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 07:17 PM
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 07:24 PM
There were three people named Chris, Sheila, Charley. They were travelling and their car broke down. They needed a place to stay for the night, so they saw a farm and asked they asked the farmer if they could stay in his barn. The Farmer said "yes, but if I hear any of you laugh you will be punnished in the morning." So at night time they laughed their heads off. Then the farmer came in the barn and yelled "you're gonna be punished in the morning." So the next morning the farmer told Chris to pick 30 of his favorite fruit. So Chris is picked 30 strawberries, the farmer told Chris to shove them up his butt or the farmer will shoot him. Chris shoved 29 strawberries up his butt then he stoped and he cried. The farmer shot him, Chris went to heaven and God asked him why he cried Chris said "because it hurt!!!!!!." The farmer did the same to Sheila but she picked 30 peaches. She shoved the peaches up her butt but at the last peach she stoped and laughed her head off. Then the farmer shot her, when she went to heaven God asked why she laughed and she said "because I saw Charley picking 30 watermelons!!!!!!!!"


:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-29-04, 07:44 PM
This man from Alabama, claimed he had the smartest quail dog in the world. He decided that he would sell the dog. So he advertised: Bar none the best quail dog in the world gauranteed. A few days later this ole boy called about the dog. He told the man that's a bold statement, gauranteed best quail dog in the world. The man said well I'll tell you what, you and you're buddy come down and we'll take him out. So the two came down and met the man and his dog. They loaded up and went down the road. They arrived and turned the dog loose. The dog runs around for a minute and then points in a briar thicket, he sticks his head in the briars for a second then comes out and stomps his left foot twice. The two men said what is that stupid dog doing? The owner of the dog says he telling us that there are two quail in that thicket and when he flushes them out, both are going to fly left. The two men laughed and said they were going home there aint no way a dog knows that. The man told his dog to get 'em, he ran in the the thicket and flushed two birds to the left. The men shot the birds and were amazed, they could not believe that happened. They told the guy that was pure luck it could never happen again. The guy said I told you this is the smartest dog in the world. They went on a little futher and the dog pointed again in a hedge-row, he stuck his head in and ran out, he stomped his left foot three times and stomped his right foot twice. The man said he's telling us that there are five birds in there and when he flushes them three are coming out left and two on the right. The two hunters said once again, there aint no damn way that dog can right. The man told his dog to get 'em, he ran in and flushed the birds sure enough, three came out to the left and two to the right. The guys shot all five birds and were in total shock. They kept going a little futher, the dog pointed again this time in a brush pile. The dog stuck his head in and in a minute came out just stomping the hell out of the ground and shaking his tail, then he ran up to his owner and started humping his leg, then ran back to the brush pile and brought a stick back and dropped it at his owner's feet. The two hunters said this is crazy as hell, what is wrong with this damn dog? The man said I know what he's telling us. The hunter's said well if you know what he's saying and it's right we'll buy the dog. The owner said ok, he's telling us that there are more quail in that brushpile than we can shake a f&#*!#g stick at.

Phantom Blooper
03-30-04, 05:54 AM
A woman was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw another woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stopped the car and the woman climbed in. During their small talk, the woman glanced surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the driver, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a while, nodded several times and said, "Good trade."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-30-04, 06:02 AM
A Mixed Drink

Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan...

When Bob served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in
the glass.

"What in the world is this?" asked the man.

Bob peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."
:banana:

thedrifter
03-30-04, 07:27 AM
The Painting


Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.

As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.

Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.

On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."

As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail.

Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.

A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.

During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched.

He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief.

The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received.

The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.

Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.

Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell.

Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"

The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
03-30-04, 07:27 AM
Paint Store


After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

"Don't come back here," he begged.