Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

[thedrifter]

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't! I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's just too far in."

[thedrifter]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed a new machine and asked if they would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try. The doctor set it at 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he had ever experienced.

But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20%, and since the man still felt fine, the doctor raised it to 50%, and finally to 100%.

After the birth was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

[thedrifter]

Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well Tony," Papa said, "you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in
my house."

Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to
sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their
way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend
of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determined that it was from the lady
they met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about
being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of
telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah,
sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?)

[wrbones]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and
he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so
we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing.'"

[fabboss]

Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter.

" Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as
well register our wedding gift list with them.


:banana: :D

[fabboss]

Dirty Little Parrot
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."

Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

A Marine Recruiter had a parrot on a stand out front of his office on a busy street. Every morning a woman would walk past the parrot on her way to work.

One morning the parrot yelled at the woman. "HEY LADY!"

The woman stopped looked at the parrot and asked "What"?

To which the parrot replied "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY UGLY!"

Well of course the lady was highly ticked off but didn’t have time to go in and say something so she went on the work. That night on the way home she walked past the parrot and again he yelled "HEY LADY".

She stopped and said "WHAT?"

Again he said "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY UGLY".

Well she charged in and gave that recruiter hell for the way his parrot was talking to her and he promised the parrot wouldn’t do it any more.

So the next morning as she walked past the parrot is again yelled out…

"HEY LADY".
She Stopped glared at the parrot and said "WHAT?".

To which the parrot replied, "YOU KNOW!"


:banana:

[wrbones]

Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[wrbones]

- A Stolen Credit Card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

[wrbones]

- A Women's Seminars
New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

[wrbones]

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

[wrbones]

- Alligator Dentist
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

[wrbones]

- Two Strings in a Bar



These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells 'I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?' String says 'Yeah.' Bartender says, 'aren't you a string?'

,

,

wait for it





,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

String says, 'No, I'm a frayed knot...'

[wrbones]

.

[thedrifter]

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

[thedrifter]

A white man was visiting one of the native tribes of Africa. The chief's daughter took a liking to him, and one thing led to another.

One night as he was screwing the chief's daughter, she kept repeating a word in her native language. The man thought the word meant "good."

The next day, the man was playing golf with the chief. The cheif got a hole-in-one, so the man said the word that he thought meant "good."

As the white man said the word, the chief turned to him and said, "What you mean wrong hole?"

[thedrifter]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

[thedrifter]

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[thedrifter]

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking that he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way that I can see the numbers."

[thedrifter]

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[thedrifter]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Misses awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[thedrifter]

A man and a woman were seated next to each other on the New York to Los Angeles flight. When they were over Chicago the man let out a sneeze, then reached under his belt and into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman pretended not to notice, being polite, thinking that he perhaps had an incontinence problem.

A few minutes later, this was followed by a second sneeze. The man once again reached down into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman began to squirm uncomfortably in her seat.

Then, this was followed by an even more powerful third sneeze. This time, the man unfastened his belt so he could more effectively clean off the areas below. The woman was aghast, couldn't take it anymore, and finally blurted, "Just what is going on with you!"

The man responded, "I have a very rare condition causing me to experience an orgasm each and every time I sneeze."

"Oh," she replied. "But could you please trying being a little more discreet." She then asked, "What can you take for this type of rare condition?"

He responded, "Pepper."

[thedrifter]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

[thedrifter]

The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about what a penis is called in their respective nations and languages.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.

The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

[thedrifter]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[thedrifter]

I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking habit.

She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on television called "Cold Turkey."

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

"Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I have gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

Breasts and Money
A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[wrbones]

- Mission Accomplished
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.’ "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

[wrbones]

- A Brass Rat
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spots a huge brass rat in the corner. He's interested in it, sohe brings it to the cashier.

"The rat, eh?" says the old, gray-haired cashier.

"Um, yeah... how much?" replies the customer.

"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story, " the cashier replied.

"I'll just take the rat, without the story, " the customer says.

He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him. Afraid of the rats following him, the man ran to the sea and threw the brass rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now you want the story?"

"Nah, " said the customer, "I was hoping you might have a brass lawyer for sale though?"

[wrbones]

Strongest Man in the Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice 'I`d like to try the bet.'

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man 'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?'

The man replied 'Actually, I work for the IRS.'

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

.

[thedrifter]

A Frenchman is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when an American sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You French folk eat the whole bread?" asks the American, with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!" replied the Frenchman.

The American blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croissants, and sell them to France."

The American has a smirk on is face. All the while, the Frenchman listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the American. "Of course!" answers the Frenchman.

The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to France."

"And, what do you Americans do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the Frenchman.

"We throw them away, of course," replies the American, with a dumbfounded look.

The Frenchman explains, "We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

[thedrifter]

After the big Super Bowl party, William Ratsburger figured that he had better spend some quality time with his wife.

William climbed upstairs, walked in the bedroom and crawled into bed. "Alright honey," he said to his wife, "give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replied.

"What's the Four Play?" asked William.

"You know," the wife said. "It happens before the two minute warning."

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues."

"How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time. Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top. Once in a while, I'd like to be in control."

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate, and I've always given her what she wants. What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand. It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?" asked the shrink. "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do. He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. 'Don't screw up'."

[thedrifter]

An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."

To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety split!"

[thedrifter]

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field.

The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was, but he decided he'd better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field, and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back toward the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."

"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

[thedrifter]

This ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and the pair had wonderful conversation and got along well. Later, they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did, Doc!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said, "Sure, why?"

The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there - You're about to cum!"

[thedrifter]

A white man was visiting one of the native tribes of Africa. The chief's daughter took a liking to him, and one thing led to another.

One night as he was screwing the chief's daughter, she kept repeating a word in her native language. The man thought the word meant "good."

The next day, the man was playing golf with the chief. The cheif got a hole-in-one, so the man said the word that he thought meant "good."

As the white man said the word, the chief turned to him and said, "What you mean wrong hole?"

[thedrifter]

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.


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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


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First guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[thedrifter]

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[thedrifter]

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir," he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America. I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I say, "Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!"

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said. "What's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[fabboss]

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says
"I must tell you something.

We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"

A blonde nun in the back says,

"Thank God! I am so tired of White Zinfandel."

[fabboss]

Geezer Test


1 . In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5 What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't
tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s?

a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high*
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as
stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? *
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"* a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS:

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for
household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

:banana:

[thedrifter]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside, and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[thedrifter]

Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy" in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which the man replied, "Oh, they're Carol's."

[thedrifter]

An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."

To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety split!"

[thedrifter]

The woman in question, a very cute blonde as it happened, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled, as the officer began to realize what he had said. Closing his book, the cop walked back to his motorcycle, got on, and left without another word.

After several minutes, the blonde finally stopped laughing long enough to start her car and leave.

[thedrifter]

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

,

[wrbones]

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[thedrifter]

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt - except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

Sir Galahad wanted to respond, but unfortunately he was speechless.

[thedrifter]

20 Ways to Make HIS X-mas an XXX-mas

1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his Christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his minorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

[thedrifter]

It was another Payday and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno it was like Pure Almond Joy, I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a zero be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up you Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was too.)

She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden - my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

[thedrifter]

When Mr. Grumwald answered the door late in the evening, one day after he had lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Grumwald, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well . . . So, tell me." Mr. Grumwald demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Grumwald said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh, my God," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sizeed Dungeoness crabs on her."

"What? Huh?" Mr. Grumwald said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

The old farmer and his pond
>
>
> An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large
> pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe
> courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming
when
it was
> built.
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't
> been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he
heard
> voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it
was a
> bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the
women
aware
> of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
>
> The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or
> make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
>
> Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
>

[thedrifter]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
> >
> > Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild,
> > naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
> >
> > Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open
to
>trade
> > especially for someone with cash.
> >
> > Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced
>of
>her
> > own beauty.
> >
> > Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
>warm
>and
> > desirable place to visit.
> >
> > Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by
>past
> > mistakes -- massive reconstruction is now necessary.
> >
> > Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
> > unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
> >
> > Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all
> > conquering past but alas, no future.
> >
> > After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where
it
>is,
> > but no one wants to go there.
> >
> >
> > THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
> >
> >
> >
> > Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

[thedrifter]

went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having bald
tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the car with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...

[thedrifter]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!"said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!"God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"God asked.

"Uh huh,"Adam replied.


"Then why did you?"said the Father.

"I don't know,"said Eve.

"She started it!"Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two o! f them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and loving! ly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

[thedrifter]

THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.


ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who
don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.

ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.

[thedrifter]

Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for
speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.

When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding,

the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler


and was on his way to Jacksonville to
do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated
by
juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling
for
him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The juggler told him that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the
trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman
got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the
juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled

up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and
looked
at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the
back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his
car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Ain't no
way
I'm gonna pass that test."

[thedrifter]

CAN YOU SEE THE BABY?

You have to have an open mind,

Don't look for a baby, and you will see the baby.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[Barrio_rat]

Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...


My personal comments. Yuck! And I wonder if the doctor who gave the press conference was able to keep a straight face when asked questions by the media...

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

.

[thedrifter]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

[thedrifter]

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a whole lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

[thedrifter]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

[thedrifter]

A young couple was on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.

The next day, the wife had a back ache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.

"How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.

"I am 22 replied the wife, why?"

The doctor replied, "Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1778."

[thedrifter]

A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[Barrio_rat]

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion."

Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink.

He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA MON, ENJOY YOUR STAY.

[thedrifter]

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking that he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way that I can see the numbers."

[thedrifter]

"Miss Reynolds, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The young model picked up the magazine editor's bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

[thedrifter]

very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

[thedrifter]

A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an attorney on a recent airline flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asks for a Gin and tonic, which is brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replies in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!

The attorney politely handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

[thedrifter]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

[thedrifter]

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[CAS3]

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car." Author Unknown
___________________________
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." Author Unknown
___________________________
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
________________________________
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house," Lewis
Grizzard
_______________________
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
_______________________
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
________________________
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base." Dave Barry
__________________________
"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?" Marilyn Pittman
_______________________
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." Bob Ettinger
_________________________
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim." Paula Poundstone
_________________________
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: Duh." Conan O'Brien
____________________________
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda
Montgomery
__________________________
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'" Richard Jeni
__________________________
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
_____________________________
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." Paul Rodriguez
____________________________
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
__________________________
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic
in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren
Hutcherson
______________________
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy
is the same." Oscar Wilde
________________________
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you
were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat can't
myself." Mark Twain
_______________________
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan." A.
Whitney Brown
______________________
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin
Williams
_________________________
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself." Roseanne
_____________________
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." Billy Crystal
____________________
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
____________________
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken. Unknown
:banana:

[thedrifter]

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications suddenly went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

[thedrifter]

A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high.

She received the following letter in reply:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."

[thedrifter]

traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thing" Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

[thedrifter]

When Mr. Grumwald answered the door late in the evening, one day after he had lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Grumwald, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well . . . So, tell me." Mr. Grumwald demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Grumwald said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh, my God," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sizeed Dungeoness crabs on her."

"What? Huh?" Mr. Grumwald said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[thedrifter]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[CAS3]

Quote of the moment

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

[Kegler300]

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN had ju