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thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:37 AM
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:39 AM
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't! I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's just too far in."

thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:41 AM
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed a new machine and asked if they would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try. The doctor set it at 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he had ever experienced.

But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20%, and since the man still felt fine, the doctor raised it to 50%, and finally to 100%.

After the birth was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:43 AM
Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well Tony," Papa said, "you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."

thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:47 AM
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thedrifter
09-04-02, 05:49 AM
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wrbones
09-04-02, 12:48 PM
NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in
my house."

Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to
sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their
way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend
of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determined that it was from the lady
they met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about
being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of
telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah,
sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?)

wrbones
09-04-02, 12:49 PM
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have
any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and
he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so
we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing.'"

fabboss
09-04-02, 10:33 PM
Jacob (92) and Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter.

" Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers " Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as
well register our wedding gift list with them.


:banana: :D

fabboss
09-04-02, 10:37 PM
Dirty Little Parrot
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."

Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

A Marine Recruiter had a parrot on a stand out front of his office on a busy street. Every morning a woman would walk past the parrot on her way to work.

One morning the parrot yelled at the woman. "HEY LADY!"

The woman stopped looked at the parrot and asked "What"?

To which the parrot replied "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY UGLY!"

Well of course the lady was highly ticked off but didn’t have time to go in and say something so she went on the work. That night on the way home she walked past the parrot and again he yelled "HEY LADY".

She stopped and said "WHAT?"

Again he said "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY UGLY".

Well she charged in and gave that recruiter hell for the way his parrot was talking to her and he promised the parrot wouldn’t do it any more.

So the next morning as she walked past the parrot is again yelled out…

"HEY LADY".
She Stopped glared at the parrot and said "WHAT?".

To which the parrot replied, "YOU KNOW!"


:banana:

wrbones
09-05-02, 12:59 AM
Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:11 AM
- A Stolen Credit Card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:13 AM
- A Women's Seminars
New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:15 AM
.

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:20 AM
The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:25 AM
How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:30 AM
- Alligator Dentist
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:36 AM
- Two Strings in a Bar



These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells 'I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?' String says 'Yeah.' Bartender says, 'aren't you a string?'

,

,

wait for it





,

,

,

,

,

,

,

,

String says, 'No, I'm a frayed knot...'

wrbones
09-05-02, 02:39 AM
.

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:02 AM
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:03 AM
A white man was visiting one of the native tribes of Africa. The chief's daughter took a liking to him, and one thing led to another.

One night as he was screwing the chief's daughter, she kept repeating a word in her native language. The man thought the word meant "good."

The next day, the man was playing golf with the chief. The cheif got a hole-in-one, so the man said the word that he thought meant "good."

As the white man said the word, the chief turned to him and said, "What you mean wrong hole?"

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:05 AM
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:07 AM
A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:09 AM
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking that he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way that I can see the numbers."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:10 AM
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:13 AM
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Misses awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:14 AM
A man and a woman were seated next to each other on the New York to Los Angeles flight. When they were over Chicago the man let out a sneeze, then reached under his belt and into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman pretended not to notice, being polite, thinking that he perhaps had an incontinence problem.

A few minutes later, this was followed by a second sneeze. The man once again reached down into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman began to squirm uncomfortably in her seat.

Then, this was followed by an even more powerful third sneeze. This time, the man unfastened his belt so he could more effectively clean off the areas below. The woman was aghast, couldn't take it anymore, and finally blurted, "Just what is going on with you!"

The man responded, "I have a very rare condition causing me to experience an orgasm each and every time I sneeze."

"Oh," she replied. "But could you please trying being a little more discreet." She then asked, "What can you take for this type of rare condition?"

He responded, "Pepper."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:15 AM
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:17 AM
The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about what a penis is called in their respective nations and languages.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.

The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:18 AM
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:19 AM
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking habit.

She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on television called "Cold Turkey."

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

"Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I have gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:22 AM
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thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:24 AM
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thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:27 AM
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thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:29 AM
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thedrifter
09-06-02, 05:32 AM
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wrbones
09-06-02, 12:35 PM
Breasts and Money
A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

wrbones
09-06-02, 12:42 PM
- Mission Accomplished
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.’ "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

wrbones
09-06-02, 12:46 PM
- A Brass Rat
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spots a huge brass rat in the corner. He's interested in it, sohe brings it to the cashier.

"The rat, eh?" says the old, gray-haired cashier.

"Um, yeah... how much?" replies the customer.

"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story, " the cashier replied.

"I'll just take the rat, without the story, " the customer says.

He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him. Afraid of the rats following him, the man ran to the sea and threw the brass rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. "So now you want the story?"

"Nah, " said the customer, "I was hoping you might have a brass lawyer for sale though?"

wrbones
09-06-02, 01:00 PM
Strongest Man in the Bar
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice 'I`d like to try the bet.'

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man 'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?'

The man replied 'Actually, I work for the IRS.'

wrbones
09-06-02, 04:10 PM
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wrbones
09-06-02, 04:14 PM
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thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:39 AM
A Frenchman is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when an American sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You French folk eat the whole bread?" asks the American, with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!" replied the Frenchman.

The American blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croissants, and sell them to France."

The American has a smirk on is face. All the while, the Frenchman listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the American. "Of course!" answers the Frenchman.

The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to France."

"And, what do you Americans do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the Frenchman.

"We throw them away, of course," replies the American, with a dumbfounded look.

The Frenchman explains, "We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:41 AM
After the big Super Bowl party, William Ratsburger figured that he had better spend some quality time with his wife.

William climbed upstairs, walked in the bedroom and crawled into bed. "Alright honey," he said to his wife, "give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replied.

"What's the Four Play?" asked William.

"You know," the wife said. "It happens before the two minute warning."

thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:43 AM
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues."

"How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time. Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top. Once in a while, I'd like to be in control."

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate, and I've always given her what she wants. What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand. It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?" asked the shrink. "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do. He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. 'Don't screw up'."

thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:44 AM
An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."

To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety split!"

thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:45 AM
An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field.

The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was, but he decided he'd better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field, and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back toward the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."

"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:52 AM
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thedrifter
09-07-02, 07:54 AM
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thedrifter
09-07-02, 02:37 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:38 AM
This ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and the pair had wonderful conversation and got along well. Later, they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did, Doc!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said, "Sure, why?"

The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there - You're about to cum!"

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:40 AM
A white man was visiting one of the native tribes of Africa. The chief's daughter took a liking to him, and one thing led to another.

One night as he was screwing the chief's daughter, she kept repeating a word in her native language. The man thought the word meant "good."

The next day, the man was playing golf with the chief. The cheif got a hole-in-one, so the man said the word that he thought meant "good."

As the white man said the word, the chief turned to him and said, "What you mean wrong hole?"

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:41 AM
Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.


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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:43 AM
A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:46 AM
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir," he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"

"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America. I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I say, "Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!"

"That's quite a story," the customs agent said. "What's in the second suitcase?"

"Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give."

thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:51 AM
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thedrifter
09-08-02, 07:53 AM
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fabboss
09-08-02, 10:45 PM
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says
"I must tell you something.

We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"

A blonde nun in the back says,

"Thank God! I am so tired of White Zinfandel."

fabboss
09-08-02, 10:56 PM
Geezer Test


1 . In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5 What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't
tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s?

a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high*
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as
stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? *
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"* a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS:

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for
household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

:banana:

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:04 AM
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside, and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:06 AM
Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy" in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which the man replied, "Oh, they're Carol's."

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:09 AM
An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."

To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety split!"

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:10 AM
The woman in question, a very cute blonde as it happened, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled, as the officer began to realize what he had said. Closing his book, the cop walked back to his motorcycle, got on, and left without another word.

After several minutes, the blonde finally stopped laughing long enough to start her car and leave.

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:13 AM
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:16 AM
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thedrifter
09-09-02, 05:19 AM
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wrbones
09-09-02, 04:30 PM
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wrbones
09-09-02, 04:37 PM
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wrbones
09-09-02, 04:38 PM
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thedrifter
09-11-02, 08:54 AM
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt - except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

Sir Galahad wanted to respond, but unfortunately he was speechless.

thedrifter
09-11-02, 08:56 AM
20 Ways to Make HIS X-mas an XXX-mas

1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his Christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his minorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

thedrifter
09-11-02, 08:57 AM
It was another Payday and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno it was like Pure Almond Joy, I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a zero be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up you Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was too.)

She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden - my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

thedrifter
09-11-02, 08:59 AM
When Mr. Grumwald answered the door late in the evening, one day after he had lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Grumwald, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well . . . So, tell me." Mr. Grumwald demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Grumwald said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh, my God," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sizeed Dungeoness crabs on her."

"What? Huh?" Mr. Grumwald said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

thedrifter
09-11-02, 09:02 AM
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thedrifter
09-11-02, 09:06 AM
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thedrifter
09-11-02, 09:10 AM
The old farmer and his pond
>
>
> An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large
> pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe
> courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming
when
it was
> built.
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't
> been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he
heard
> voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it
was a
> bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the
women
aware
> of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
>
> The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or
> make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
>
> Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill!
>

thedrifter
09-11-02, 09:12 AM
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
> >
> > Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild,
> > naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
> >
> > Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open
to
>trade
> > especially for someone with cash.
> >
> > Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and
convinced
>of
>her
> > own beauty.
> >
> > Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
>warm
>and
> > desirable place to visit.
> >
> > Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by
>past
> > mistakes -- massive reconstruction is now necessary.
> >
> > Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
> > unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
> >
> > Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all
> > conquering past but alas, no future.
> >
> > After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where
it
>is,
> > but no one wants to go there.
> >
> >
> > THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
> >
> >
> >
> > Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:19 AM
went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having bald
tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He
finished the second ticket and put it on the car with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:20 AM
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!"said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!"God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"God asked.

"Uh huh,"Adam replied.


"Then why did you?"said the Father.

"I don't know,"said Eve.

"She started it!"Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two o! f them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and loving! ly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:22 AM
THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.


ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who
don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.

ELEVEN.
Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:23 AM
Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for
speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.

When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding,

the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler


and was on his way to Jacksonville to
do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated
by
juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling
for
him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The juggler told him that he had sent all of his
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the
trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman
got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the
juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled

up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and
looked
at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the
back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his
car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Ain't no
way
I'm gonna pass that test."

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:26 AM
CAN YOU SEE THE BABY?

You have to have an open mind,

Don't look for a baby, and you will see the baby.

thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:29 AM
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thedrifter
09-12-02, 05:32 AM
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Barrio_rat
09-13-02, 01:03 AM
Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...


My personal comments. Yuck! And I wonder if the doctor who gave the press conference was able to keep a straight face when asked questions by the media...

wrbones
09-13-02, 03:21 AM
.

wrbones
09-13-02, 03:28 AM
.

wrbones
09-13-02, 03:34 AM
.

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:02 AM
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:03 AM
Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a whole lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:06 AM
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:07 AM
A young couple was on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.

The next day, the wife had a back ache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.

"How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.

"I am 22 replied the wife, why?"

The doctor replied, "Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1778."

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:09 AM
A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."

thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:13 AM
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thedrifter
09-13-02, 06:15 AM
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Barrio_rat
09-13-02, 11:40 AM
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion."

Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink.

He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA MON, ENJOY YOUR STAY.

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:40 AM
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking that he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way that I can see the numbers."

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:41 AM
"Miss Reynolds, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The young model picked up the magazine editor's bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:43 AM
very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:45 AM
A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an attorney on a recent airline flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asks for a Gin and tonic, which is brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replies in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!

The attorney politely handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:46 AM
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:48 AM
A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

thedrifter
09-14-02, 08:50 AM
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thedrifter
09-14-02, 09:01 AM
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CAS3
09-15-02, 01:04 PM
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car." Author Unknown
___________________________
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." Author Unknown
___________________________
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
________________________________
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house," Lewis
Grizzard
_______________________
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
_______________________
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
________________________
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base." Dave Barry
__________________________
"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?" Marilyn Pittman
_______________________
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." Bob Ettinger
_________________________
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim." Paula Poundstone
_________________________
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: Duh." Conan O'Brien
____________________________
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda
Montgomery
__________________________
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'" Richard Jeni
__________________________
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
_____________________________
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." Paul Rodriguez
____________________________
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
__________________________
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic
in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren
Hutcherson
______________________
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy
is the same." Oscar Wilde
________________________
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you
were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat can't
myself." Mark Twain
_______________________
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan." A.
Whitney Brown
______________________
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin
Williams
_________________________
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself." Roseanne
_____________________
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." Billy Crystal
____________________
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
____________________
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken. Unknown
:banana:

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:10 AM
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications suddenly went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:11 AM
A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high.

She received the following letter in reply:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:13 AM
traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thing" Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:15 AM
When Mr. Grumwald answered the door late in the evening, one day after he had lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Grumwald, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well . . . So, tell me." Mr. Grumwald demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Grumwald said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh, my God," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sizeed Dungeoness crabs on her."

"What? Huh?" Mr. Grumwald said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:18 AM
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:21 AM
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thedrifter
09-16-02, 05:23 AM
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CAS3
09-16-02, 06:28 AM
Quote of the moment

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Kegler300
09-16-02, 10:38 AM
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and he walks into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk, the Saudi says, "you know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs."

President Bush laughs, leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
:evilgrin:

fabboss
09-16-02, 05:35 PM
How to dress for Church



One Sunday morning the congregation of a ritzy church with vaulted ceilings, hand-carved oak pews, stained glass windows and deep plush carpets. A man came in just minutes before the service was to begin and he was dressed horribly. He had on boots, overalls, a flannel shirt and a cowboy hat.

The congregation was aghast! Many quickly sent notes to the minister about this concern. At the end of the service the minister greeted the humbly dressed man and asked him if he enjoyed the service.

The man exclaimed that he enjoyed it very much. The minister asked the man to consider possibly dressing differently, and told him to pray to Jesus about how he would have him dress if he should return again.

The next week the man returned. He was dressed the same way and once again the congregation was disturbed. At the end of the service the minister greeted the man and asked him what he had been told by Jesus concerning how to dress for church.

The man exclaimed, "I spoke with Jesus about this but Jesus said he didn't know how I should dress for this church because He had never been here."

thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:38 AM
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:39 AM
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud! Don't your EARS ever get cold?"

thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:41 AM
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet the dedicated wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When the husband finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As the wife sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me."

The husband continued, "When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:43 AM
Two young Polish guys were discussing the upcoming wedding of the first guy. "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," remarked the first Polish guy.

His buddy replied, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel."

He continued, "You paint one ball red, and one ball blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' - You hit her with the shovel."

thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:46 AM
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thedrifter
09-17-02, 06:48 AM
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thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:38 AM
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal. So whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she tells him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later, he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already! I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!"

thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:40 AM
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:42 AM
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."

They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"

The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:43 AM
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thing" Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:45 AM
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications suddenly went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:48 AM
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thedrifter
09-18-02, 05:50 AM
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thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:00 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. He realizes that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. Finally, the nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told, and this door is answered by another nun in long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please put $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:02 AM
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective March 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" $30.00 Luxury Tax
8 - 10" $25.00 Pole Tax
5 - 8" $15.00 Privilege Tax
4 - 5" $10.00 Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

* Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
* What if one's penis is self employed?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:05 AM
A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high.

She received the following letter in reply:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."

thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:07 AM
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking habit.

She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on television called "Cold Turkey."

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

"Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I have gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:10 AM
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thedrifter
09-19-02, 07:12 AM
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Barrio_rat
09-19-02, 11:09 AM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, " OK, preeze take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of loom."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?

"Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

wrbones
09-19-02, 10:48 PM
Yep. More puns from the squid....


don't ask me where he gets them....

I'm afraid to ask....


Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

1.Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace
Co. will merge and become Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become...Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to
become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
consolidate as FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knott's Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become Knott NOW!

Barrio_rat
09-20-02, 01:51 AM
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall (2001) across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Barrio_rat
09-20-02, 02:05 AM
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees," Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." George W. Bush, Governor

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet," Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony. [Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie...L-I-E-D]

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." George Bush, US President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." Dan Quayle, VP

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!" Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:05 AM
There was this couple who had been married for fifty years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning, when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for fifty years."

"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say - should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal."

thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:07 AM
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago."

"Hmm . . . Susan? About three months ago?" said John.

"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party, we went for a drive and then parked the car. I got into the back seat with you and you told me I was a good sport," replied Susan.

"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" said John.

"Actually, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself!" exclaimed Susan.

John remarked, "Gee, you really ARE a good sport."

thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:09 AM
One evening at a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other woman replied, "Yes I am - I married the wrong man.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:10 AM
Two honeymooners are walking down 42nd Street, when they saw a sign advertising "The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try.

So, into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and the Great Gonzo came out on the stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the robe to show the biggest, hardest erection imaginable.

Then he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart, on the top of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and one, by one, smashed the walnuts, to the thunderous applause of the audience.

This year this same couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street, they once again see a sign advertising the Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise, they decided to check out the show again.

Once they were in the theater, the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard as ever. This time when he clapped his hands, his now aged assistant appeared with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member to smash each of them.

The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained that they had seen him 40 years earlier. "But why," they asked, "Did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," Gonzo replied, "When you get old your eye's start to go."

thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:13 AM
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thedrifter
09-20-02, 07:18 AM
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thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:22 AM
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says, "See its long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" asks the teacher.

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is! It's a horny bastard."

thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:23 AM
After her 90th Birthday, Patricia Watkins found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead.

On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Mrs. Watkins enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities.

Only after Christmas, did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.

thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:24 AM
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well, so they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure that out ?"

The girl said, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, so they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a great dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist, How did you figure that out?"

The girl replied, "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"

thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:26 AM
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court last Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use, and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court next Monday."

Monday, the two guys were back in court. The judge asked the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." The judge was quite impressed and said, "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

The first guy said, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

"And told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," replied the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" the judge asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" The second guy answered, "I used a similar approach." (He draws two circles)

o O

The second guy continued, "Well, I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ******* before prison."

thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:29 AM
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thedrifter
09-22-02, 09:31 AM
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wrbones
09-22-02, 05:08 PM
.

Barrio_rat
09-23-02, 12:36 AM
One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation. I said, "I did that by accident.

" She replied, "I know that grandma."

I replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "*******!" afterwards.

thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:35 AM
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:36 AM
A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:37 AM
There is a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief resident is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees as patient masturbating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejaculate 40 to 50 times a day, he'll become disoriented."

As the two continue their rounds, the student peeks into another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:40 AM
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

The soldier went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."

thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:45 AM
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thedrifter
09-23-02, 07:47 AM
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thedrifter
09-23-02, 10:44 AM
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity!

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A DRY Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It -- Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes . And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Mile after mile of... mile after mile

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney.

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!

Barrio_rat
09-23-02, 12:04 PM
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man.

One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornification!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasions"

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"!

Kegler300
09-23-02, 12:27 PM
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.


Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked.

"We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

thedrifter
09-24-02, 06:54 AM
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar opened!"

thedrifter
09-24-02, 06:55 AM
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He asks, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

thedrifter
09-24-02, 06:56 AM
There was this old couple who was having there 50th anniversary. Bob thought he should get something different for his wife. Something sexy. So he goes off to the lingerie store, where he goes up to the employee and tells her, " I need your sheerest teddy."

The clerk says, "We have three. I'll bring the first one out." She goes in the back and then comes out with the first teddy. "Here you go. This one is $100."

Bob replies, "It's not sheer enough. Can I see the second one."

The clerk goes in the back again, gets the second one and comes back out. "This one is $200."

"Still not sheer enough. Can I see the last one?" requests Bob.

She goes back again, gets the last one, and comes back out. "This is the last one, which is $300." Bob then agrees to take it. The employee puts it in a box and gives it to Bob. "I hope your wife likes it," she says.

Bob goes home gives it to his wife, Marge. Marge opens it and is shocked to see that Bob has bought her something so sexy. Before she can say anything else, Bob asks her to try it on. She agrees.

Marge then proceeds to go upstairs. As she takes the teddy out of the box she thinks to herself," This teddy is so sheer, Bob won't even realize that I don't have it on."

So she goes downstairs wearing nothing but her high heels. "What do you think, Bob? Does it look good?

" Bob looks at for a minute then says, "Well hell, I paid enough for it. The least they could of done is taken the wrinkles out!"

thedrifter
09-24-02, 06:58 AM
A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.

The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

thedrifter
09-24-02, 06:59 AM
If you're offended by testicle jokes, you must be nuts!

Q: Did you hear about the 150-pound man who had 75-pound testicles?
A: He was half nuts.

Q: Why do doctors spank newborns?
A: So the balls fall off the dumb ones!

Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A: His undivided attention.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others' shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their *******s and they vapor lock.

There once was a man from Boston, Mass.
Who had two balls made of brass.
When they clanged together
They sang Stormy Weather
and lightning shot out of his ass.

thedrifter
09-24-02, 07:01 AM
Female Viagra

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

thedrifter
09-24-02, 07:03 AM
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09-24-02, 07:06 AM
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wrbones
09-24-02, 11:32 PM
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the
travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and
there would be a quick exchange of money for something she
carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling
drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't
know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you
ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom
boxes and other electronic devices?" He said he hadn't.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our
big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man
walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well,
is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than
he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly
shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."

wrbones
09-24-02, 11:33 PM
Subject: Doctor's Appointment


A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the
older doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall.

A new doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him
her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The new doctor marched down a back hallway to where the older doctor
was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years
old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you just
told her she was pregnant?"

The older doctor continued to write on his clipboard as he responded
without looking up, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

wrbones
09-24-02, 11:34 PM
The Pond...
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
pits, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when
it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

wrbones
09-24-02, 11:35 PM
Subject: Mountain Woman

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and
body.

"What in the world happened?"asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and
she told me to go **** in a bottle. I told her to go **** in her hat and
then all hell broke loose"

wrbones
09-24-02, 11:36 PM
Thought I'd share it.






Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the
White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and
said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at
the
man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer
resides
here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president
and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked
away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton."The marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been
here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton
is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you
tomorrow, Sir!"

wrbones
09-24-02, 11:40 PM
I can't figure out WHY he'd do that!


The traffic lights weren't working on the corner of 17th & Farnam Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while Omaha's finest directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Farnam Street -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Farnam Street and sent the 17th Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.

The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Hey, Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

thedrifter
09-25-02, 06:57 AM
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the four weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

The gentleman replied, "Because, that would be the longest four weeks of my life!"

thedrifter
09-25-02, 06:58 AM
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

thedrifter
09-25-02, 07:00 AM
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam asks.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

thedrifter
09-25-02, 07:01 AM
Our good buddy, Bill Clinton, was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered.

She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?" Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock." Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."

Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should." Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything." Sally then agrees to go with him.

Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock."

Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

thedrifter
09-25-02, 07:05 AM
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thedrifter
09-25-02, 07:07 AM
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CAS3
09-25-02, 10:48 AM
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:32 AM
A group of senior citizen ladies were touring an Army base, and part of the tour included a meal at the chow hall. After Sergeant Reese showed the ladies the barracks, drill field, exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it was off to the mess hall.

After finishing the meal and the Sergeant telling the ladies of the 25,000 meals served each day, the 12,000 pounds of chicken, 200 pounds of butter, 350 pounds of sugar used each day in meal preparation and serving, it was off to the kitchen area where the meals were prepared.

The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies so he showed all the stainless steel pots that held 100 pounds of mashed potatoes, the freezers that were 75 feet long, the dishwashers that had such hot water that it would kill any germs.

Then off to the baking area where cookies were being made. They were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter and then put on a conveyor belt going to the oven. As the belt took the morsels toward the oven, a big soldier who was shirtless would pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button and then put it back on the conveyor.

One of the ladies asked why he was doing that procedure. To that the Sergeant said he was doing that to make designs on the cookies.

Then the same lady asked, "Isn't that awfully unsanitary?"

To that he answered, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!"

thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:33 AM
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she says.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," replied the madam.

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese 75-year-old woman in the corner, "but Bertha here has seniority."

thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:35 AM
Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident.

I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:36 AM
There were these two identical twins named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old fishing boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the very same day that Joe's old boat sank.

A kindly old woman saw Joe one day, and mistaking him for John said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water."

"She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front. Every time I used her that hole got bigger, and then she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those four guys who were looking for a good time."

"I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at once, and then she split right up the middle . . ."

. . . The old woman fainted!

thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:39 AM
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thedrifter
09-26-02, 05:42 AM
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Kegler300
09-26-02, 11:26 AM
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fabboss
09-26-02, 10:00 PM
Ya'll are so smart, so I KNOW you will get 100% on this little quiz!!!

World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers AND no peeking!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!


















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and
Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed?

wrbones
09-26-02, 10:53 PM
I got one right,

three wrong,

and the rest I knew were crooked questions. '


cept fer King George, I knew his first name, but I forgot it......

thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:31 AM
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide . . . he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms . . .


And then he stuffed the turkey.

thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:33 AM
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed, she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.

His mother says, "Okay," and goes back to showering.

Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.

"What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?" asked his mom.

"The lady next door has it, and she's washing Daddy's face with it!" reported Tommy.

thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:34 AM
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it.

He asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "You know, I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another eight hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. The man taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish, she goes back to sleep and four hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know. I only have eight hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"

thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:35 AM
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:38 AM
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thedrifter
09-27-02, 05:41 AM
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thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:35 AM
A middle-aged couple was discussing life, and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage.

Wife: "If I should die first, will you remarry?"

Husband: "Probably. I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone."

Wife: "Would you bring your new wife into our home that we have shared?"

Husband: "I don't see why not. It would be empty, and you wouldn't be there."

Wife: "Would you share the same bed that we've shared?"

Husband: "Well, it's a comfortable bed."

Wife: "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

Husband: "Sure, if they fit. They are quite nice."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No way - Linda is left-handed."

thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:38 AM
One evening, a small and exceptionally homely man was just about to remove his underwear, when his daughter unexpectedly opened the door and entered the bath room.

"Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely huge penis. "What's that!"

"Well, sweetheart," explained the mother, "that's your Daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here."

She signs, then continues, "Come to think of it, neither would I."

thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:39 AM
Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet's office today because it bit my mother-in-law."

The other guy asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"

"No, of course not," said the first guy. "I had its teeth sharpened."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. The guy is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:41 AM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:48 AM
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thedrifter
09-28-02, 11:52 AM
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thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:24 AM
Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:26 AM
Q: What technical term has the FBI coined a for the stains found on Monica's dress?
A: "Presidue."

Q: Why couldn't they prove anything in the Monica Lewinsky case?
A: Because she swallowed the evidence.

Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!"

Q: How did they finally bust Bill Clinton?
A: Monica finally coughed up the evidence.

Q: How could President Clinton deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky?
A: Clinton claims it wasn't sex because, after all, she didn't swallow.

Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A: She was withholding evidence.

Q: What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A: Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency.

Q: What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A: Missionary.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff."

Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House. She did it for a GAG.

thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:27 AM
Dear Abby,

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $1000-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known prostitutes.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby, Should I, or shouldn't I let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,

Troubled

thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:28 AM
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car.

Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps. So he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his willy and withdraw as soon as he feels the wasp.

The honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor, and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage.

The doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell is happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:31 AM
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thedrifter
09-29-02, 07:34 AM
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thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:45 AM
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.

The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."

thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:46 AM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk About the Weather!

People who study tornadoes have twistered minds. The first scientists who studied fog were mystified. Lightning storms can be very striking. And when the fog burns off, it won't be mist.

Heavenly bodies have an attractive force. If all your troubles are melting away, watch out for the floods. You can only see the stars on a finite.

thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:47 AM
Last New Year's eve, Mrs. Shirley Grumwald and Mrs. Dorothy Ellerbee unexpectedly bumped into each other at a large party.

After an hour of talking and drinking, Mrs. Grumwald remarked to her friend, "You know, Dorothy, they call my husband 'The Exorcist'."

With a great surprise Mrs. Ellerbee asked her, "Well, why?"

Mrs. Grumwald replied, "At every party we attend, my husband soon gets rid of all the spirits."

thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:48 AM
One day a teacher walked into her classroom and found written on the chalk board in tiny letters, the word "penis". She scanned the class looking for the culprit who had written this word. Finding that none looked particularly guilty, she erased the word and began class.

The next day, she returned to her classroom to find the word "penis" written in large letters on the chalk board. Again she looked in vain for the guilty face. She erased the word and began the day's lessons.

Every morning for a week, she would arrive and find the same word, written larger then the previous day, on the chalk board. Each day she would erase the word and begin teaching.

On the eighth day, she walked in, expecting to find the same word on the board, but instead found: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:51 AM
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thedrifter
09-30-02, 07:53 AM
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thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:05 AM
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on television?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why is it called SEX?
A: Because it's easier to spell than, "Uhhhhh - Oooohh - Ahhhhhh - AIIEEEEEEE!"

Q: What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra?
A: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:06 AM
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:07 AM
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Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.

After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."

thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:08 AM
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:11 AM
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thedrifter
10-01-02, 06:13 AM
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thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:22 AM
There were three construction workers, one was Mexican, one was English, and the other was Polish. They were on the high scaffolding of the building they were building, and they were eating lunch.

The Mexican looked in his lunch, and said, "A taco. If I get a taco one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

The English guy looked in his lunch, and said, "Crumpets. If I get crumpets one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

Then the Polish guy looked in his lunch and said, "Polish sausage. If I get this sausage one more time, I'm going to jump off of this building!"

The next day they all got the same lunch, and they all jumped off the building and died.

At the funeral the Mexican's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want tacos, I would have made him something different."

Then the English guy's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want crumpets. I would have made him something else."

Then the Polish guy's wife said, "I don't understand. He made his own lunch."

thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:24 AM
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . ."

thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:26 AM
A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:28 AM
A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"


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I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:31 AM
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thedrifter
10-02-02, 06:34 AM
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Kegler300
10-02-02, 06:39 AM
A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend

is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday

and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to
satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the
condition you return to my
office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody showed up!"

thedrifter
10-03-02, 06:59 AM
Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were definitely put out.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance at having sex.


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In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


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And Moses looked upon the Lord and said, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?"

thedrifter
10-03-02, 07:01 AM
Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

thedrifter
10-03-02, 07:02 AM
When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

thedrifter
10-03-02, 07:03 AM
The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen." The lady replied.

"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

thedrifter
10-03-02, 07:06 AM
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thedrifter
10-03-02, 07:08 AM
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Gary
10-03-02, 11:30 AM
What the F*ck is going in my bar?, as he walks in, Chesty! here boy!!!, Roger we're not letting scum in here now are we? been hearing some bad reports:devious:

fabboss
10-03-02, 09:26 PM
Things Men Say
---------------

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."


:bunny:

Kegler300
10-04-02, 06:58 AM
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fabboss
10-04-02, 10:44 PM
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any
of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with
what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set
of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

thedrifter
10-05-02, 10:38 AM
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he had changed his statement after he had given it to the police.

"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" asked the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife. "He knew exactly where it was."

thedrifter
10-05-02, 10:39 AM
One day, an elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" the salesman asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." the woman replied.

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional," the woman bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

thedrifter
10-05-02, 10:41 AM
Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town. Or - Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

thedrifter
10-05-02, 10:42 AM
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

thedrifter
10-05-02, 10:46 AM
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10-05-02, 10:48 AM
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thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:42 AM
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters. So he devised a test to tell for certain, how often someone has had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "Then, what the heck are you so happy about?"

The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"

thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:43 AM
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."


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I wish I were the toilet paper
In my girlfriend's hand,
So every time she wiped
I could see the promised land!

thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:45 AM
Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.

After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."

thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:47 AM
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks him what is wrong.

"Well," replied the groom, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!"

thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:51 AM
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thedrifter
10-06-02, 07:53 AM
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