Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

A Visit With The Queen

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated "state visit" to Great Britain.

Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.

The coach proceeded through the streets en route to Buckingham Palace with the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs.

At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach.

Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

The President was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous.

"Queen Elizabeth, please accept my regrets .... I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even the President of the United States cannot control."

"Mr. Clinton, please don't give the matter another thought. Why, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[Phantom Blooper]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee for breakfast."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[thedrifter]

Getting Castrated

A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.

"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?"

"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"

So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend.

"Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.

"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.

"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"

"Really? So, what's up?"

"I'm going to be vaccinated."

"Oh, MAN!! That's what it's called!"

[thedrifter]

One Liners

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Locked Out

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[thedrifter]

One Liners

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

[thedrifter]

The Blonde Winner

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a cup of coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.

Three women are lying on a beach which one is the blonde?
The one with the g-string on back to front.

Why can't a blondes water ski?
Because when they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.

How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

[thedrifter]

The sparrow


Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

[thedrifter]

Who's dog's smartest?


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

[thedrifter]

Holy trick


The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[thedrifter]

Job interview


A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".

[thedrifter]

Parrots


This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

[thedrifter]

The chauffeur


One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

[thedrifter]

Come early and bring your lunch


A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."

"Remember, this is a friendly community."

[thedrifter]

Cold fart


There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

[thedrifter]

Double charges


A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[thedrifter]

Safe and sound


A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. "Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

[Phantom Blooper]

The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges.

That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies, "they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[Phantom Blooper]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Our prayers have been answered!"

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Management Speak

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. T
RANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me
a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall
do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority
of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

[thedrifter]

Man from the Desert

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[thedrifter]

A Man of Few Words

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

[thedrifter]

A Man's Disease


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[thedrifter]

Managers and Engineers


A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[thedrifter]

The Marina


It was a hot summer day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Unfortunately, Opie was late. He had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. They were able to save money on her examinations because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment took longer than expected, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

---------------------

(You may groan now!)

[thedrifter]

Marriage Advice

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

[thedrifter]

Marriage Communication

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Marriage Proposal


Some teachers at state universities get to know their students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.

A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.

"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."

[thedrifter]

Marriage Requires Teamwork!

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[thedrifter]

Marriage Secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[thedrifter]

Married Couple


Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart Christmas Wish


Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. (Or maybe, on second thought....)

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

[Phantom Blooper]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.
The teenagers (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The phone rang in the Principal's office at a school. "Hello, Nelson Elementary School," answered the Principal. "Hello. I'm calling to say Billy won't be able to come to school all next week," the voice stated. "I see," the Principal said. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" "We're all going on a family vacation," the voice explained. "I hope it's all right." "I suppose that would be fine," said the Principal. "May I ask who's calling?" "Sure. This is my father!" the voice replied.

[thedrifter]

Shotglass urine


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." Thus the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?"

The bartender looks and finds a glumy looking man.

"Well, I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"

[thedrifter]

What a man


A married man was unfortunate enough to fall into the hands of some aliens. They tried to communicate with him in the space ship but they could not understand each other. The man, afraid of being made their meal, thought quickly and desperately cried out,"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids...eat them instead!"

[thedrifter]

Hungry monkey


A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it"
The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

[thedrifter]

Soldier


A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

O.J. donations


A man was driving down the road and there was a road block. Police officers were walking and telling people what was going on. The police man finally got to the man and said, "O.J. Simpson just heard the verdict and is threatening to cover himself in gasoline and burn himself to death and he said he wont have any money left and we're going around collecting donations." The man said "How much do you have so far?" The police man said, "10 gallons."

[thedrifter]

Daisy


A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he
is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

[thedrifter]

Civic employees


A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging
a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I
dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike.
"Now just because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

[thedrifter]

Talking dog


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can
talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a
hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right, and what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before
I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
you think I should have said 'Dimaggio'?"

[thedrifter]

One free wish


Family is driving in their car on holidays. Frog crosses the road and
husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the
frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is greatful, thanks the
man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. Man says: please make my
dog win the nexr dog race. Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of
the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells
the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks
that the man will tell him another wish. Man says: well, then please help
that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him
to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and
approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says:
"Could I please have another look at the dog???".

[thedrifter]

Drinking problem


Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He
spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated,
around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a
kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the
door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while,
she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as
well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[thedrifter]

Emergency landing


Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "****!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"

[thedrifter]

Directions


Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long
talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a
wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.
Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to
the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When
you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the
door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door
open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

[thedrifter]

Lifestyle


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and
never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice lookin' guy they call Lem asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Phantom Blooper]

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F , (yes, you can look it up,) and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit
other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing
the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have
completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[yellowwing]

Immediately following the Super bowl, as all presidents do, George W. Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.

[thedrifter]

Too old for this


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has
a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest
member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says
"not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the
mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do
we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[thedrifter]

Australian tourist at Irish bar


An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a
sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other
drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out
"Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was
going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been
drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a
couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now
when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is
you call out the number and if people think it's a funny one they
will laugh."

The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and
then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly
and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over
and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke
than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two
reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."

[thedrifter]

Three convicts


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed
to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses
of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number
of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so
smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[thedrifter]

Quiet deer hunt


Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted
all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree
and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling
scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"


Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my
neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my
pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I
couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[thedrifter]

Dead dog


Mom and Dad tried to console their young son.
"You know, Jeffrey, it's not your fault the dog died".
Little Jeffrey would have none of it.
Dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God."
Jeffrey asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[thedrifter]

Great gifts


Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and
prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old
mother.

AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading
the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot
that recites the whole bible. Mama just has to name the chapter and
verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house.

MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes and that driver has shpilkas -- he's a
pain in the tuchas.

DAVID, the chicken was delicious.

[thedrifter]

Missing husband


A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after
all."

[thedrifter]

Prayer


I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I
haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed.
From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

[thedrifter]

Harmfull side effects


Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his
buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad,
b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car
accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life
s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go
see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later,
they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me
talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the
boss' daughter."

"That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went
their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again
Frank and Joe meet on the street.

"Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe.

"Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job."

"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?"

"Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss' house
and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "Look, Honey!
That's what you do to me," but by the time I finished what I was
saying the cat was licking his balls..."

[thedrifter]

Kisses in the dark


There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly
the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train
there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and
the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped
there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the
train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that English ass again."

[thedrifter]

I have something to tell you


There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim
and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he
promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are
going.

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered
the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and
told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his
feelings in no uncertain terms.

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"

Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left
the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on
the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who
tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the
while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of
everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and
died from his injuries."

Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

Jim said, "Well, I accidentally left the window open and the cat
got out. Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get
the cat."

[thedrifter]

Gambling in Las Vegas


A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men
on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home --
arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house,
dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked
outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from
the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was
a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to
awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going
to kill him!' he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the
message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid it
in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.'

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, 'He's not going to
tell you. He said he'd rather die first.'

[thedrifter]

Easter bunny


It was the night before Easter and the father was in a hurry to get home, when a bunny rabbit leaped in front of his car. He swerved too late and hit the poor rabbit. Stopping immediately the driver ran back to see if the bunny was okay. But it was too late. It was the Easter bunny and it was dead. The man began to cry uncontrollably.


A lady driver saw him and stopped to see what the trouble was. Sobbing, the man told her what happened and how bad he felt. Suddenly she left to go to her car. As suddenly she returned and began to spray the poor bunny with the contents of a can she had retrieved.


To the man's amazement, the Easter bunny was revived. He stood there speechless as the rabbit waved at the man and the lady. The rabbit continued on its way waving at them. Going further the rabbit turned and waved again. The Easter bunny continued to wave until it was out of sight.


The man was overjoyed and relieved and finally able to speak. "What was that you sprayed on the rabbit?" he asked. She showed him the label-which read: HARE SPRAY BRINGS HARE BACK TO LIFE GOOD FOR PERMANENT WAVE

[Phantom Blooper]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Phantom Blooper]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked this question, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.


Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Phantom Blooper]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change"!
;)

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman was standing in the store's checkout line for some time, arms full of different items and a broom. It was very apparent by her constant sighing that she was growing very impatient. Finally she reached the cashier, only to find that a price check was needed on one of her products. Sighing heavily she said, "It will be a miracle if I'm out of here and home in time for dinner!" "Oh I don't think you have to worry lady," the clerk answered. "With the strong wind out there and your brand new broom, I'm quite sure you'll be home in no time at all."

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's December Calendar

Selected days from Martha Stewart's December calendar:

Dec. 1: Move outdoor gardens indoors.
Dec. 3: Scrub north face of house with Borax.
Dec. 4: Touch up trim in Yemen apartment.
Dec. 6: Weed indoor garden.
Dec. 7: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearancw w/ Bryant & Katie.
Dec. 9: 4:00 a.m. Montauk, Long Island. Catch giant tuna for dinner.
Dec. 10: Neuter pets and barnyard animals.
Dec. 11: Change glue in 55 glue guns.
Dec. 12: Bake, bake, bake.
Dec. 13: Sell, sell, sell.
Dec. 14: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearance. Grab Bryant under desk.
Dec. 16: Recipe-testing dinner for staff of "Chutzpa!" magazine.
Dec. 17: Make planters from used tractor trailer tires for New Jersey relatives.
Dec. 18: Make napkins, tablecloths, candles, and toothpicks for dinner guests.
Dec. 20: Realign branches on tree & glue.
Dec. 21: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearance. Exchange glares with Bryant.
Dec. 22: Stalk, shoot, gut, bleed & defeather turkeys. Baste overnight.
Dec. 25: Build creche. Play Mary.
Dec. 26: Start planning Christmas 2000.
Dec. 28: Call police to remove relatives from grounds.
Dec. 31: Harvest ice from pond for drinks.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's January Calendar

Selected days from Martha Stewart's January calendar:

Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for the whole year.
Jan. 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 5: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinamon sticks.
Jan. 7: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's Shoe Inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 9: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan. 10: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 11: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 13: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan. 14: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 15: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 18: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Jan. 20: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan. 21: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan. 24: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
Jan. 26: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan. 29: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan. 30: Run with bulls at Pampolna.
Jan. 31: Gild lilies.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Letter

Monday, 9:00 A.M.

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Hints and Tips

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later
be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and jumping the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing
his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the heck
you're going.

SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time
you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see
out of the front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping
them in the garage.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can
see which items you have recently used up.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a
charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity
shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost.
I think.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
amusing manner.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand and a bag of salt into the bath.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an
empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for
office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find
something more meaningful to do in life now that you've made
your fortune.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

[thedrifter]

Mary Poppins

PUN WARNING!)

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!! !''

(Ouch! Remember, you were warned!)

[thedrifter]

Mass Hysteria

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

[thedrifter]

Math 101


Think of a number.
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Multiply it by 3.
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Now add 5.
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Take away the number you first thought of.
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Now add 7.
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Subtract 2.
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Add back the number you first thought of.
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Now, close your eyes.
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Dark, isn't it?

[thedrifter]

Matchbook Warnings

MATCHBOOKS TO CARRY WARNING LABELS

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress yesterday passed a ground-breaking bill that will help strengthen public safety. The new legislation will require manufacturers of matches to put warning labels on all matchboxes and matchbook covers. Several of the approved warning labels will say things like...

"WARNING: Matches have been proven by the Fire Inspector General to be the leading cause of fire."

"WARNING: Do not touch flame because it may be hot."

"WARNING: Do not hold flame up to your clothing as this may cause you to catch on fire."

"WARNING: Do not pour gasoline on yourself prior to striking match as this may cause an explosion."

Congressional leaders feel that the new warning labels will help save the lives of average Americans who may not understand that fire can be a dangerous substance. The match industry hopes the warning labels will help curb the constant lawsuits aimed at them by people who claim they had no idea matches were dangerous and suffered injuries as a result. Democrats on Capital Hill, however, claim that the only way the Match Industry could guarantee fewer lawsuits would be to agree to a multi-billion dollar Federal settlement coupled with large campaign contributions to the DNC.

[thedrifter]

Math Dyslexia


A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out.

"Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia."

The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad."

"Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

[thedrifter]

Math Knowledge


Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do". He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[thedrifter]

Math Pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

[thedrifter]

Math Question


Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?

A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.

[thedrifter]

Math through the Ages

10 A.D. : II + II = IV
1910 : 2 + 2 = 4
1960 : 2 + 2 = 4 and I'm proud of it!
1970 : 2 + 2 = 4 assuming that 2 is really 2 and not something else.
1980 : 2 + 2 = 4 +/-
1990 : 2 + 2 = a + b = Sorry, I'm not sure. Can I get back to you as soon as the battery for my laptop is recharged?
2000 : 2 + 2 = See Bill Gates. He knows everything.

[thedrifter]

Mathematical Adeptness


I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29 ... no biggiesize. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward." $4.83? for a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right ... my mind raced ... tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager. So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax. She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me." I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off .......... without my food.

[Phantom Blooper]

A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met with Kenny and asked:
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit 898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says

"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,

"Shhhh .. they're getting closer."
;)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out
the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his furious
wife and was bombarded for his actions with an angry tirade for over two hours.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you
like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by and he didn't see
his wife. Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday
the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit
out of the corner of his left eye.

[Phantom Blooper]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was
rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the
surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your
right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please
Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before
I go ahead with the transplant".

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf
again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was
out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the
best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch
and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting
has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear
the transplant was such a great success. Are you having
any side affects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I
get an erection I also get a headache!"

[Phantom Blooper]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed..."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that
stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.

Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

the voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed....." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him
a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important!!

[thedrifter]

What do you call


Q: What do you call a person from Spain?
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.

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A: "Spanish".

Q: What do you call a person from Germany?
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.

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A: "German".

Q: What do you call a person from France?
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.

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A: "French".

Q: What do you a call a person going to the bathroom?
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A: "Your a pee-un"! (European)

[thedrifter]

The talking frog


One Day there was these two old men walking down the road. They here several very faint cries from in the weeds on the side of the road, and walk over to see what it is. One of them bends down and picks up this frog.

The frog says "Oh thank Goodness, some one finally rescues me. I am beautiful princess, and if you kiss me I will turn into a Princess, and I will do anything your heart desires." The to old men look at each other, and the one with the frog puts it in his pocket and starts walking down the road again. The other guy says "Hey, aren't you going to kiss the frog?" And the other old man says, "No, at my age I would rather have a talking frog."

[thedrifter]

The detector van


In the UK, you have to own a license to legally view the TV. If this is not purchased every year, you may be liable for a fine.

The Detector van is scanning a block of houses to see if anybody without a license is watching TV. The van pulls up outside a house and the driver gets out and starts walking down the drive. As he gets to the door, a woman is coming out.


Man: I am from the TV Licensing agency, do you have a TV License?


Woman: Yes, but I am on my way to the supermarket now and I haven't got time to show you now. My husband will show you it if you come back later as he will be back from work. He won't know where it is, but if you tell him it is behind the clock on the mantelpiece, he will show you.

The driver agrees and goes.

He returned to the house seeing the husband's car on the drive. He knocks on the door and waits.


Man: I am from the TV Licensing agency, do you have a TV License?
Husband: Oh yes, but I haven't got a clue where it is, the wife deals with those sort of things. I wouldn't know where to look.


Man: It's behind the clock on the mantelpiece.


Husband: Those detector vans are really clever these days, I had no idea they were that good!

[thedrifter]

Whaddaya doing with the pig?


At the local bar there sat a lady with a duck under her arm.
The town drunk staggered into the bar and said "Whaddaya doing with the Pig?"
The lady jumps up and s