Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

A Visit With The Queen

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated "state visit" to Great Britain.

Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.

The coach proceeded through the streets en route to Buckingham Palace with the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs.

At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach.

Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

The President was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous.

"Queen Elizabeth, please accept my regrets .... I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even the President of the United States cannot control."

"Mr. Clinton, please don't give the matter another thought. Why, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[Phantom Blooper]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee for breakfast."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[thedrifter]

Getting Castrated

A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.

"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?"

"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"

So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend.

"Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.

"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.

"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"

"Really? So, what's up?"

"I'm going to be vaccinated."

"Oh, MAN!! That's what it's called!"

[thedrifter]

One Liners

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Locked Out

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[thedrifter]

One Liners

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

[thedrifter]

The Blonde Winner

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a cup of coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.

Three women are lying on a beach which one is the blonde?
The one with the g-string on back to front.

Why can't a blondes water ski?
Because when they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.

How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

[thedrifter]

The sparrow


Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

[thedrifter]

Who's dog's smartest?


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

[thedrifter]

Holy trick


The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[thedrifter]

Job interview


A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".

[thedrifter]

Parrots


This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

[thedrifter]

The chauffeur


One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

[thedrifter]

Come early and bring your lunch


A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."

"Remember, this is a friendly community."

[thedrifter]

Cold fart


There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

[thedrifter]

Double charges


A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[thedrifter]

Safe and sound


A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. "Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

[Phantom Blooper]

The new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges.

That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies, "they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[Phantom Blooper]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Our prayers have been answered!"

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Management Speak

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. T
RANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me
a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall
do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority
of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

[thedrifter]

Man from the Desert

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[thedrifter]

A Man of Few Words

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

[thedrifter]

A Man's Disease


The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[thedrifter]

Managers and Engineers


A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

[thedrifter]

The Marina


It was a hot summer day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Unfortunately, Opie was late. He had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. They were able to save money on her examinations because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment took longer than expected, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

---------------------

(You may groan now!)

[thedrifter]

Marriage Advice

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

[thedrifter]

Marriage Communication

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Marriage Proposal


Some teachers at state universities get to know their students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.

A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.

"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."

[thedrifter]

Marriage Requires Teamwork!

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[thedrifter]

Marriage Secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[thedrifter]

Married Couple


Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart Christmas Wish


Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge. (Or maybe, on second thought....)

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

[Phantom Blooper]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.
The teenagers (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The phone rang in the Principal's office at a school. "Hello, Nelson Elementary School," answered the Principal. "Hello. I'm calling to say Billy won't be able to come to school all next week," the voice stated. "I see," the Principal said. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" "We're all going on a family vacation," the voice explained. "I hope it's all right." "I suppose that would be fine," said the Principal. "May I ask who's calling?" "Sure. This is my father!" the voice replied.

[thedrifter]

Shotglass urine


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." Thus the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar?"

The bartender looks and finds a glumy looking man.

"Well, I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"

[thedrifter]

What a man


A married man was unfortunate enough to fall into the hands of some aliens. They tried to communicate with him in the space ship but they could not understand each other. The man, afraid of being made their meal, thought quickly and desperately cried out,"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids...eat them instead!"

[thedrifter]

Hungry monkey


A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it"
The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

[thedrifter]

Soldier


A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

O.J. donations


A man was driving down the road and there was a road block. Police officers were walking and telling people what was going on. The police man finally got to the man and said, "O.J. Simpson just heard the verdict and is threatening to cover himself in gasoline and burn himself to death and he said he wont have any money left and we're going around collecting donations." The man said "How much do you have so far?" The police man said, "10 gallons."

[thedrifter]

Daisy


A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he
is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

[thedrifter]

Civic employees


A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging
a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I
dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike.
"Now just because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

[thedrifter]

Talking dog


A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can
talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a
hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right, and what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before
I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
you think I should have said 'Dimaggio'?"

[thedrifter]

One free wish


Family is driving in their car on holidays. Frog crosses the road and
husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the
frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is greatful, thanks the
man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. Man says: please make my
dog win the nexr dog race. Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of
the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells
the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks
that the man will tell him another wish. Man says: well, then please help
that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him
to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and
approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says:
"Could I please have another look at the dog???".

[thedrifter]

Drinking problem


Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He
spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated,
around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a
kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the
door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while,
she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as
well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[thedrifter]

Emergency landing


Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "****!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"

[thedrifter]

Directions


Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long
talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a
wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.
Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to
the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When
you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the
door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door
open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

[thedrifter]

Lifestyle


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and
never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice lookin' guy they call Lem asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Phantom Blooper]

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F , (yes, you can look it up,) and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit
other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing
the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have
completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[yellowwing]

Immediately following the Super bowl, as all presidents do, George W. Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.

[thedrifter]

Too old for this


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has
a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest
member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says
"not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the
mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do
we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

[thedrifter]

Australian tourist at Irish bar


An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a
sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other
drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out
"Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was
going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been
drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a
couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now
when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is
you call out the number and if people think it's a funny one they
will laugh."

The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and
then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly
and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over
and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke
than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two
reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."

[thedrifter]

Three convicts


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed
to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses
of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number
of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to
himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so
smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the
box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[thedrifter]

Quiet deer hunt


Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted
all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree
and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling
scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"


Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my
neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my
pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I
couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[thedrifter]

Dead dog


Mom and Dad tried to console their young son.
"You know, Jeffrey, it's not your fault the dog died".
Little Jeffrey would have none of it.
Dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God."
Jeffrey asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

[thedrifter]

Great gifts


Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and
prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old
mother.

AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading
the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot
that recites the whole bible. Mama just has to name the chapter and
verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house.

MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes and that driver has shpilkas -- he's a
pain in the tuchas.

DAVID, the chicken was delicious.

[thedrifter]

Missing husband


A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after
all."

[thedrifter]

Prayer


I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I
haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed.
From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

[thedrifter]

Harmfull side effects


Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his
buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad,
b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car
accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life
s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job."

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go
see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later,
they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

"Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me
talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the
boss' daughter."

"That's excellent! Congratulations!" replied Joe, and off they went
their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again
Frank and Joe meet on the street.

"Hey, Frank, how's it going?" asks Joe.

"Terrible," says Frank. "I'm no longer engaged and I lost my job."

"Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?"

"Well, the other night I was having dinner at the boss' house
and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "Look, Honey!
That's what you do to me," but by the time I finished what I was
saying the cat was licking his balls..."

[thedrifter]

Kisses in the dark


There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly
the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train
there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and
the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped
there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the
train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that English ass again."

[thedrifter]

I have something to tell you


There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim
and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he
promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are
going.

As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered
the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"

Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."

Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and
told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his
feelings in no uncertain terms.

Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"

Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left
the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on
the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who
tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the
while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of
everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and
died from his injuries."

Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."

Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"

Jim said, "Well, I accidentally left the window open and the cat
got out. Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get
the cat."

[thedrifter]

Gambling in Las Vegas


A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men
on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he
decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home --
arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house,
dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked
outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from
the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was
a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to
awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going
to kill him!' he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the
message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid it
in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.'

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, 'He's not going to
tell you. He said he'd rather die first.'

[thedrifter]

Easter bunny


It was the night before Easter and the father was in a hurry to get home, when a bunny rabbit leaped in front of his car. He swerved too late and hit the poor rabbit. Stopping immediately the driver ran back to see if the bunny was okay. But it was too late. It was the Easter bunny and it was dead. The man began to cry uncontrollably.


A lady driver saw him and stopped to see what the trouble was. Sobbing, the man told her what happened and how bad he felt. Suddenly she left to go to her car. As suddenly she returned and began to spray the poor bunny with the contents of a can she had retrieved.


To the man's amazement, the Easter bunny was revived. He stood there speechless as the rabbit waved at the man and the lady. The rabbit continued on its way waving at them. Going further the rabbit turned and waved again. The Easter bunny continued to wave until it was out of sight.


The man was overjoyed and relieved and finally able to speak. "What was that you sprayed on the rabbit?" he asked. She showed him the label-which read: HARE SPRAY BRINGS HARE BACK TO LIFE GOOD FOR PERMANENT WAVE

[Phantom Blooper]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Phantom Blooper]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked this question, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.


Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Phantom Blooper]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

"You're simply going through the change"!
;)

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman was standing in the store's checkout line for some time, arms full of different items and a broom. It was very apparent by her constant sighing that she was growing very impatient. Finally she reached the cashier, only to find that a price check was needed on one of her products. Sighing heavily she said, "It will be a miracle if I'm out of here and home in time for dinner!" "Oh I don't think you have to worry lady," the clerk answered. "With the strong wind out there and your brand new broom, I'm quite sure you'll be home in no time at all."

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's December Calendar

Selected days from Martha Stewart's December calendar:

Dec. 1: Move outdoor gardens indoors.
Dec. 3: Scrub north face of house with Borax.
Dec. 4: Touch up trim in Yemen apartment.
Dec. 6: Weed indoor garden.
Dec. 7: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearancw w/ Bryant & Katie.
Dec. 9: 4:00 a.m. Montauk, Long Island. Catch giant tuna for dinner.
Dec. 10: Neuter pets and barnyard animals.
Dec. 11: Change glue in 55 glue guns.
Dec. 12: Bake, bake, bake.
Dec. 13: Sell, sell, sell.
Dec. 14: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearance. Grab Bryant under desk.
Dec. 16: Recipe-testing dinner for staff of "Chutzpa!" magazine.
Dec. 17: Make planters from used tractor trailer tires for New Jersey relatives.
Dec. 18: Make napkins, tablecloths, candles, and toothpicks for dinner guests.
Dec. 20: Realign branches on tree & glue.
Dec. 21: 8:30 a.m. "Today" show appearance. Exchange glares with Bryant.
Dec. 22: Stalk, shoot, gut, bleed & defeather turkeys. Baste overnight.
Dec. 25: Build creche. Play Mary.
Dec. 26: Start planning Christmas 2000.
Dec. 28: Call police to remove relatives from grounds.
Dec. 31: Harvest ice from pond for drinks.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's January Calendar

Selected days from Martha Stewart's January calendar:

Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for the whole year.
Jan. 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 5: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinamon sticks.
Jan. 7: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's Shoe Inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 9: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan. 10: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 11: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 13: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan. 14: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 15: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 18: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Jan. 20: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan. 21: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan. 24: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
Jan. 26: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan. 29: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan. 30: Run with bulls at Pampolna.
Jan. 31: Gild lilies.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Letter

Monday, 9:00 A.M.

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Hints and Tips

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later
be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and jumping the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing
his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the heck
you're going.

SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time
you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see
out of the front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping
them in the garage.

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can
see which items you have recently used up.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a
charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity
shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost.
I think.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
amusing manner.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand and a bag of salt into the bath.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an
empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for
office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find
something more meaningful to do in life now that you've made
your fortune.

[thedrifter]

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

[thedrifter]

Mary Poppins

PUN WARNING!)

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!! !''

(Ouch! Remember, you were warned!)

[thedrifter]

Mass Hysteria

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"

[thedrifter]

Math 101


Think of a number.
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Multiply it by 3.
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Now add 5.
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Take away the number you first thought of.
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Now add 7.
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Subtract 2.
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Add back the number you first thought of.
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Now, close your eyes.
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Dark, isn't it?

[thedrifter]

Matchbook Warnings

MATCHBOOKS TO CARRY WARNING LABELS

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress yesterday passed a ground-breaking bill that will help strengthen public safety. The new legislation will require manufacturers of matches to put warning labels on all matchboxes and matchbook covers. Several of the approved warning labels will say things like...

"WARNING: Matches have been proven by the Fire Inspector General to be the leading cause of fire."

"WARNING: Do not touch flame because it may be hot."

"WARNING: Do not hold flame up to your clothing as this may cause you to catch on fire."

"WARNING: Do not pour gasoline on yourself prior to striking match as this may cause an explosion."

Congressional leaders feel that the new warning labels will help save the lives of average Americans who may not understand that fire can be a dangerous substance. The match industry hopes the warning labels will help curb the constant lawsuits aimed at them by people who claim they had no idea matches were dangerous and suffered injuries as a result. Democrats on Capital Hill, however, claim that the only way the Match Industry could guarantee fewer lawsuits would be to agree to a multi-billion dollar Federal settlement coupled with large campaign contributions to the DNC.

[thedrifter]

Math Dyslexia


A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out.

"Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia."

The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad."

"Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

[thedrifter]

Math Knowledge


Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do". He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[thedrifter]

Math Pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

[thedrifter]

Math Question


Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?

A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.

[thedrifter]

Math through the Ages

10 A.D. : II + II = IV
1910 : 2 + 2 = 4
1960 : 2 + 2 = 4 and I'm proud of it!
1970 : 2 + 2 = 4 assuming that 2 is really 2 and not something else.
1980 : 2 + 2 = 4 +/-
1990 : 2 + 2 = a + b = Sorry, I'm not sure. Can I get back to you as soon as the battery for my laptop is recharged?
2000 : 2 + 2 = See Bill Gates. He knows everything.

[thedrifter]

Mathematical Adeptness


I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29 ... no biggiesize. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward." $4.83? for a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right ... my mind raced ... tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager. So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax. She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.

"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me." I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off .......... without my food.

[Phantom Blooper]

A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met with Kenny and asked:
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit 898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.




:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says

"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,

"Shhhh .. they're getting closer."
;)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out
the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his furious
wife and was bombarded for his actions with an angry tirade for over two hours.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you
like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by and he didn't see
his wife. Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday
the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit
out of the corner of his left eye.

[Phantom Blooper]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was
rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the
surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your
right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please
Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before
I go ahead with the transplant".

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf
again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was
out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the
best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch
and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting
has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear
the transplant was such a great success. Are you having
any side affects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I
get an erection I also get a headache!"

[Phantom Blooper]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed..."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that
stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.

Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...

the voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed....." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him
a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important!!

[thedrifter]

What do you call


Q: What do you call a person from Spain?
.

.

.
A: "Spanish".

Q: What do you call a person from Germany?
.

.

.
A: "German".

Q: What do you call a person from France?
.

.

.
A: "French".

Q: What do you a call a person going to the bathroom?
.

.

.
A: "Your a pee-un"! (European)

[thedrifter]

The talking frog


One Day there was these two old men walking down the road. They here several very faint cries from in the weeds on the side of the road, and walk over to see what it is. One of them bends down and picks up this frog.

The frog says "Oh thank Goodness, some one finally rescues me. I am beautiful princess, and if you kiss me I will turn into a Princess, and I will do anything your heart desires." The to old men look at each other, and the one with the frog puts it in his pocket and starts walking down the road again. The other guy says "Hey, aren't you going to kiss the frog?" And the other old man says, "No, at my age I would rather have a talking frog."

[thedrifter]

The detector van


In the UK, you have to own a license to legally view the TV. If this is not purchased every year, you may be liable for a fine.

The Detector van is scanning a block of houses to see if anybody without a license is watching TV. The van pulls up outside a house and the driver gets out and starts walking down the drive. As he gets to the door, a woman is coming out.


Man: I am from the TV Licensing agency, do you have a TV License?


Woman: Yes, but I am on my way to the supermarket now and I haven't got time to show you now. My husband will show you it if you come back later as he will be back from work. He won't know where it is, but if you tell him it is behind the clock on the mantelpiece, he will show you.

The driver agrees and goes.

He returned to the house seeing the husband's car on the drive. He knocks on the door and waits.


Man: I am from the TV Licensing agency, do you have a TV License?
Husband: Oh yes, but I haven't got a clue where it is, the wife deals with those sort of things. I wouldn't know where to look.


Man: It's behind the clock on the mantelpiece.


Husband: Those detector vans are really clever these days, I had no idea they were that good!

[thedrifter]

Whaddaya doing with the pig?


At the local bar there sat a lady with a duck under her arm.
The town drunk staggered into the bar and said "Whaddaya doing with the Pig?"
The lady jumps up and says, "I will have you know this a Duck, Not a Pig."
The drunk replies "I was talking to the Duck"

[thedrifter]

On a train with Claudia Schiffer...

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he'd been slapped.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.´

[thedrifter]

Lost one of our engines

There was a plane flying in from Europe to the United States and was about 800 miles out from land when one of the engines quit. The Captain came over the intercom and addressed the passengers, "This is your Captain speaking. We have just lost one of our engines. There is no reason to panic. The flight will continue as planned but may take a little longer to reach our destination. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the remainder of the flight."

About 5 minutes later, the other engine quit. Now the Captain was worried. Again, he got on the intercom and addressed the passengers, "This is your Captain speaking. We have lost the other engine. We will not be able to reach land and will have to make an emergency landing in the water. There is a chance we will not make it through the landing, but if we do, the water is only 37 degrees, and it will take the rescue party about an hour to get to where we will be. Some people may end up freezing before the rescue. I have radioed ahead and given them our location. You may want to take this time to reflect back on anything or say a small prayer to help comfort yourselves."

A very attractive woman in the back of the plane began to panic. She jumped up and started running up and down the length of the plane yelling, "I want a man to treat me like a woman one last time. Just one man, one last time."

A very athletic man rose from the back, ripped off his shirt, threw it at her and said, "Here. Go iron this, *****!"

[thedrifter]

Holiday Air Travel

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking along slowly with a cane. He'd managed to get by with no sarcastic comments. Whew!
Then she said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

[thedrifter]

Smart little boy

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[thedrifter]

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we're small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some scoundrel has stolen our tent."

[thedrifter]

It's the letter 'R'

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.

They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[thedrifter]

I am gonna come back and get you.

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

[thedrifter]

Extreme Measures

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Phantom Blooper]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4
parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took
the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the
former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential
future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so
America's people don't
want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the
plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of
the United States of America". I am also going to be my parties
nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and
jumped.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth
passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full
life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let
you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[thedrifter]

Maturity Observations

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I'm posting this in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were, too!

[thedrifter]

McApplication

McDonald's Job Application & Employment Test

Name_____________________________ Trailer Park________________
Pay phone closest to your house ______________________

1. Why do you want to work at McDonalds?
A. For a career opportunity.
B. For job security.
C. Because I fit that 'geek' profile.

2. Where did you hear about McDonalds?
A. From the newspaper.
B. From the radio.
C. From the 30 billion a year McDonalds spends on TV ads
convincing us we should pay $3.49 for a 30-cent hamburger.

3. Do you promise to end every sentence you ever speak at
McDonalds with the words "Do you want fries with that?"?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Yes, do you want fries with that?

4. If a customer ordered a Big Mac, extra cheese, no lettuce,
light on the mayo, what would you give him?
A. A Big Mac, extra cheese, no lettuce, light on the mayo.
B. A Big mac, extra cheese, extra lettuce, extra mayo.
C. Fifteen milkshakes & a happy meal.

5. What would you do if you found hair in the hamburger meat?
A. Notify the manager.
B. Charge the customer extra.
C. Say "Would you like fries with the hair in your hamburger?"

6. If you were working the drive thru, what would you say through
the intercom to the customer?
A. Welcome to McDonalds.
B. Welcome to McDonalds, my name is (your name), and what
would you like fries with that?
C. Wauhb ot Muhdonna, la eyt ubb farbbwith that?

Answers: If you answered "C" to 5 or more questions, welcome
to the world of McMinimum Wage!

[thedrifter]

The GBHP Maturity Quiz


Okay, we're all supposed to get in touch with our inner children. So
when we do, does that entitle us to call people "doody-head" and say
things like "oh yeah, make me?" How mature are we really? Take the
GBHP maturity quiz and find out...


1: Your boss refuses you a promotion you really wanted. How do you
handle it?

a: Resolve to work harder between now and the next opportunity.
b: Go somewhere private, have a tantrum, then spend the day in a snit.
c: Call him at two a.m. and ask "is there a John in the house?"

2: A sign of maturity is having credit. What's your situation like?

a: One or two credit cards, used sparingly.
b: A few cards, paid off every few months.
c: Seven cards and they're all maxed.

3: Grandma knitted you a sweater that seems to have used every color
at the yarn store. This causes you to...

a: pretend you love it and thank her profusely.
b: wonder about how you can get out of ever wearing it.
c: wonder about what medication she's taking and how you can get
some.

4: A place I've always wanted to visit is...

a: Paris, because it's romantic.
b: New York, because it's the city that never sleeps.
c: Cucamonga, because I like to say Cucamonga.

5: I've always wanted to learn to...

a: paint landscapes.
b: drive race cars.
c: gargle "La Bamba."

6: When my friends and I go to the ballet, we...

a: admire the beautiful dancing.
b: try to imitate the dancing as we walk to our cars.
c: bet on which guys are stuffing their tights.

7: My favorite old-time singer is...

a: Frank Sinatra
b: Little Richard
c: Doodles Weaver

8: When someone asks what I'd like to be doing in ten years, I
answer...

a: "running my own business."
b: "I don't even know what I'll be doing in ten days."
c: [said as sarcastically as possible] "breathing."

9: After a party, I usually...

a: help clean up.
b: grab the closest cute person and head home.
c: drool and babble incoherently until I pass out.

10: You're driving along and see the guy in the lane next to you
picking his nose. What goes through your mind?

a: "Ewwww!"
b: "Good penetration, nice digging technique... 8.5!"
c: "Eat it! Eat it!"

Scoring The Quiz

As always, the scoring is simple. Give yourself 1 point for every A,
3 points for every B, and 5 points for every C. Tally up your points
and consult the chart below.

10-18 Points

You're very mature. In fact you're that "way too calm, way too
nice, probably has dead bodies in the basement" kind of mature. Cut
loose every once in a while. Forget responsibility and society's
expectations. Or at least pretend to do it. People are getting
suspicious.

20-34 Points

You are mature enough to meet society's expectations, but that
little bit of kid still left in you is malnourished. You haven't
said "hey, pull my finger" in years, and you always cover your mouth
when you burp. You even feel guilty about laughing at the campfire
scene in "Blazing Saddles." All of that's well and good, but who are
you kidding? You have the impulse to grab stuff and say "mine!" You
know you secretly have a thing for at least one of the Power Rangers.
Give in to it.

36-48 Points

Okay. We have a nice case of an active and powerful inner child
here. Perhaps too powerful. May I remind you that Pop-Tarts are not
one of the four basic food groups and that "whoever smelt it dealt it"
will not stand up in a court of law.

50 Points

Shut-up, Beavis.

[thedrifter]

McMath

When I went to McDonald's, I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.

"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

[thedrifter]

McMicrosoft

What if Bill Gates owned a McDonalds franchise?

Here are some of the changes we might see:

1) Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually use the food to its fullest potential.

2) We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.

3) Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King, McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret sauce is still in alpha.

4) They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!

5) Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it from the digestive tract proves impossible.

[thedrifter]

Measuring Device


My father was in the dentist's chair having a root canal done. Every so often, the dentist would stick a large toothpick-like object into the tooth's canal to see how far he had drilled. Each time, this thing caused my father great pain, but whenever he complained, the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn't hurt -- it's just a measuring device.

This happened a couple more times. Again my father complained -- again he got the same response. Finally my father sat up in the chair, took all the stuff out of his month and looked straight at the dentist. "Excuse me for a moment," Dad said. "I have to go out to my truck, get my tape measure and whack you in the head with it. It shouldn't hurt, though. It's just a measuring device."

[thedrifter]

Medical Advice


One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

[thedrifter]

Medical Question

Patient - "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?"

[thedrifter]

Medical News Flash


A scientist has just developed a 'magic' pill that dissolves excess human body fat and will banish obesity from the face of the earth. It is also reported that he is a favorite to receive this years Nobelly prize.

[thedrifter]

Medical Phrasebook


After visiting my loved ones in the hospital a few too many times, I have
developed some translations of medical-speak:

What doctors or nurses say.
(What they really mean.)


You may feel pressure.
(I am going to stick a needle in you. It's going to hurt.)

You may feel some pressure.
(I'm going to use the needle to hunt around for a vein. It'll hurt even more.)

You'll feel a little pinch.
(I'm going to stick a much bigger needle in you. You do the math.)

We can aspirate that.
(You thought those other needles were big, wait till you see Big Molly!)

We'll have to evacuate that.
(We are going to cut you open and remove parts of your living flesh.)

The procedure was more complex that we anticipated.
(I cut out lots of stuff and, wow, is it going to hurt!)

A nurse from "Pain Management" will visit you.
(I cut deep, too!)

We believe that pain management is important.
(We believe that it's important that you complain about pain to your nurse
from "pain management", not to us.)

How much does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10?
(1-4, Tylenol ... 5-8, Percocet ... 9-10 disable the call button.)

You can reach me at any time.
(You can reach my answering machine at any time.)

This is my pager number.
(You cannot even reach my answering machine.)

[thedrifter]

Medical Pun (a groaner)


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

.
.
.
.

(OK, you can groan now!)

[thedrifter]

Medical Records

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians . . .

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

[thedrifter]

Medical Rounds


While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

[thedrifter]

Medical Strides


Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr. Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."

[thedrifter]

Medical Text Humor


Doctors and veterinarians aren't born knowing all those fifty-dollar-words they use; there are whole books devoted to medical terminology. Most of it is dry, staid lists of words and definitions, but every now and then, a bit of the authors' personality shows through.

In "Bailliere's Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary" by D.C. Blood and Virginia Studdert, the following entry appears on page 133, right between Brunner's Glands and Brush Border:

"Brunus Edwardii: the urban, companion animal bear, much admired for its low food requirements and excellent house training, a high emotional output and complete freedom from disease. Called also Ursus Theodorus (USA) and Pooh, Paddington or Brideshead Bear (UK)."

(I could add that they may be free from disease, but they do seem to be susceptible to lacerations requiring surgical repair...)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonnald's for making them fat."
The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonnald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says,
"Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."



:banana:

[thedrifter]

Medicrin


Warning -- pun ahead -- be prepared to groan!)

There once was a medieval village named Trinsic. This village was being terrorized by a vile monster, the Medicrin. Each night, the Medicrin would stalk down from the hills, and devour one of the villagers.

The terrified villagers called a meeting, and decided to pool their money together to hire the great hero, Erik.


<F A N F A R E>

Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins love to eat Loons.

So Erik hunted high and low to find a loon. He found one, captured it, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the Medicrin,and slay it.

That night, the Medicrin came...

It smelled the loon...

But it also smelled DANGER, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.

After calming the villagers, the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters, and learned that Medicrins also love sugar.

So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village, and threw it into the pit. The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik was struck with panic, and ran to and fro trying to figure out what to do next, but night had fallen, and the Medicrin would be there soon, so Erik crossed his fingers, and hoped for the best.

That night, the Medicrin came...

It smelled the loon...

It smelled danger...

But it also smelled the sugar, and the Medicrin dived into the pit, and devoured the loon. The villagers swarmed over the Medicrin, and slew it.

The moral of the story:


"A loon full of sugar helps the Medicrin go down."

[thedrifter]

Meeting the Parents


A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancee.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks "So, how did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I'm God."

[thedrifter]

Memento


Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

[thedrifter]

Memory


Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

[thedrifter]

Memory Test


Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[thedrifter]

Men!


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If men would only listen.

[thedrifter]

If Men Got Pregnant ...


If Men got pregnant...

... maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

... there would be a cure for stretch marks

... natural childbirth would become obsolete

... morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

... all methods of birth control would be 100% effective

... children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

... men would be eager to talk about commitment

... they wouldn't think twins were so cute

... sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

... briefcases would be used as diaper bags

... paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

... they'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

... restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

... women would rule the world

[thedrifter]

Men and Women

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[thedrifter]

Men and Women


WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

[thedrifter]

Men Are From Sears, Women Are From Nordstrom


This was first published by Dave Barry as "Just her Size".
Dave is a Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated columnist at the Miami Herald.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.

When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation is very different with women.

When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.

She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5's FIT HER.

There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

[thedrifter]

Men Give Up Far More Than Women

As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."

[thedrifter]

Menu Planning Tip to Reduce Stress


I have my changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.

[thedrifter]

Mercedes Benz Driving Quiz


1. Before changing lanes you should: (A) signal. (B) check. (C) both a & b. (D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is: (A) red. (B) yellow. (C) green. (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is: (A) 35 MPH. (B) 25 MPH. (C) 45 MPH. (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) slow to a walking pace. (B) go around the block. (C) stop. (D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) maintain your speed. (B) slow a little. (C) slow a lot. (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane: (A) never. (B) when there is a left turn arrow. (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M. (D) When ever you damn well feel like it!

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: (A) must stop. (B) may pass on the left after checking. (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: (A) pull to the right and stop. (B) pull into the nearest car wash. (C) roll down your windows. (D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: (A) never. (B) when the doors are closed. (C) if there are no police around. (D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should: (A) relax. (B) watch the signal. (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front. (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that your have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal: (A) two blocks before turning. (B) two car lengths before turning. (C) two miles before turning. (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal: (A) only at an intersection. (B) always. (C) never. (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted: (A) never. (B) on Sunday. (C) if there is a fire hydrant. (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income: (A) $10,000-20,000. (B) $20,000-40,000. (C) $40,000-80,000. (D) $80,000 and up.

Scoring

If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

[thedrifter]

Miracle House


My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.

Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children."

[thedrifter]

Microbe Rights


MICROBE RIGHTS ACTIVISTS CALL FOR RELEASE OF SMALL POX VIRUS

ATLANTA, GA - The "People for the Ethical Treatment of Micro Organisms" (PETMO) today held protests in front of the Centers for Disease Control calling for the release of the Small Pox virus. PETMO spokesperson, Needa Viva, told BNN, "The CDC is considering destroying the last remaining supply of the Small Pox virus. If they do that then the Small Pox virus will become extinct. That is unethical and wrong and we are calling on the EPA to stop this madness by declaring the Small Pox virus an 'endangered microbe'."

When our BNN correspondent reminded Viva that Small Pox has been a scourge on humanity and has lead to the deaths of tens of millions of people, she said, "The virus was only doing what it needed to do to survive. Just because some people died from it doesn't mean that it deserves extinction."

The EPA has not decided if it will add the virus to the 'endangered microbe' list. However, they are conducting focus group studies to see if Americans are open to the idea of releasing the virus back into nature.

More on this story as it unfolds.

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Acquires Microsoft Acquires

REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- MICROSOFT announced that it, like thousands of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year 1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires" announcements. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the announcement, "Everytime someone puts one of those d_mned 'Microsoft Announces' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me. This should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny. They're just not."

Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst Martin Sierpinsky, believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be minimal. "Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as 'IBM lays off elves' or something." But another industry analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said "This spells the end of competition in humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the entire Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold into the Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to acquire exclusive rights to the Hackers Dictionary." David Wiborg said "I don't think it's that significant. I think the 'Microsoft Acquires' thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop poll of 'Rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes above Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed."

Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading.

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Announces Car

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES A MAJOR CORPORATE DIVERSIFICATION
INTO THE CAR MAKING BUSINESS.

The major design criteria are:

1. Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel

2. The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol.
(Microsoft LP Gas will be announced soon.)

3. The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning lights will be replaced by a single "General Car Protection Fault" warning light.

4. Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant pressure to upgrade (modestly priced "upgrade" kits will be available either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the number of callers.

5. You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need to purchase more seats.

6. Occasionally, for no reason at all, the car will die for no apparent reason and restarting is a simple turn of the key ... strangely, this is accepted as normal.

7. Every time the lines on your normal road are repainted, you must buy a new MS Car

8. People would get excited about the new features of the Microsoft car, forgetting that the same features have been available from other car makers for years.

and not to forget

9. Sun MicroSystems will make a car that is solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast but will only run on 5% of currently constructed roads.

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Furniture


August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at ways of expanding our installed base."

The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built-in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot."

Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Healthcare


THE TOP 12 RESULTS OF MICROSOFT'S TAKEOVER OF HEALTHCARE.

12. The Department of Justice will be all over them because basic health coverage also includes free membership to a Microsoft Health Spa and Gym, and this is clearly unfair competition to YMCA, World Gym, etc. Microsoft will still offer the gym membership for free, but you have to fill out a separate application form to get your membership card.

11. Occasionally, your body will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the heart to get it going.

10. If you get health insurance as a newborn its much cheaper than if you try to get it later on your own.

9. If you ever lose your health coverage, you can just go "copy" someone else's insurance card.

8. If you own another hospital, and you don't want to sell out to Microsoft Managed Health Care Inc, you can count on a Microsoft Hospital and Clinic being built next door, with FREE COVERAGE to anyone who comes in.

7. You'll be charged drastically overinflated prices for minor technical support at the emergency room (well, **not everything** will really change).

6. You can search the web site for your prognosis, and download your prescription, but to talk to a live doctor, it will cost you $195 per visit, unless you buy a ten-pack of incidents/year for $1695.

5. The doctor will gladly receive medical records from other clinics/hospitals, but if you ever go to an outside doctor, the records will get mangled in the process, or MS Doctor notes will use non-industry standard terms to describe symptoms.

4. Pharmacist 1.0 won't be able to fill prescriptions written out by Dr. 2.5 or later.

3. Your health insurance covers free office visits, but to actually see a doctor while you are in the office will cost you an additional $35.

2. Scottish patients (Macs) won't have as good coverage, but the doctors will just charge more for what they do offer.

And the number one result of Microsoft's takeover of the healthcare system:

1. Lowered average time in ICU, since all monitors and therapeutic equipment will be running Windows 95. "I am sorry about your wife... it seems her respirator had a general protection fault."

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Mozart

The classically-minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.

"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which means "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Restaurant


If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it
with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl.
What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do
with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

[thedrifter]

Microsoft in the South


If Microsoft was headquartered in Southern Georgia:

1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with
a Hefty bag
4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw"
5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would
be Achy-Breaky Heart
9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and
"Vishul C++"
11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
14.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
15.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
16.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
17.Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
18.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
19.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory
dead cars in your front yard
20.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
21.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

[thedrifter]

Microsoft Toast(tm)


During Bill Gates' speech at a recent computer conference, he introduced a new product, to be unveiled today, called Microsoft Toast(tm). The media was given a pre-release demo and encouraged to try it out while preparing their breakfast this morning.

Here is one reporter's transcript of his morning:
------------------------------------------------
Insert Bread - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

Use slider control to select # of seconds to toast bread.

"(5)"

Toasting - And remember that only Microsoft bread(tm) is guaranteed to work perfectly in... TOAST BURNING - PRESS CANCEL TO STOP TOASTING PROCESS (OK) (CANCEL)

"(CANCEL)"

GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT 0300:0100 TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, PRESS RETRY TO RESTART OR CANCEL TO CONTINUE WAITING FOR PROGRAM RESPONSE.

"(CANCEL)"

Microsoft Security(tm) system determines that the smoke levels in your home have become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the fire department? - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN PROGRAM AND RETRY. - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

Microsoft Security(tm) system determines that the smoke levels in your home have become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the fire department? - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

"(START) (PROGRAM FILES) (MICROSOFT EXCHANGE) (CLOSE)"

MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN PROGRAM AND RETRY. - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

Are you sure you wish to shut down Microsoft Exchange? -(OK)(CANCEL)

"(OK)"

TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE TERMINATED - (OK)

"(OK)"

Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire, and/or in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the police? - (OK) (CANCEL)

DISCLAIMER - CALLING THE POLICE FOR A NON-URGENT SITUATION CAN LEAD TO SEVERE CRIMINAL FINES AND PENALTIES, FOR WHICH MICROSOFT(tm) WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE. MICROSOFT(tm) DOES NOT GUARANTEE RESPONSE TIMES OR YOUR SAFETY, ONLY THAT THE COMPUTER WILL ATTEMPT TO CALL THE POLICE. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO ACCEPT THIS REPONSIBILITY, PLEASE PRESS REJECT BELOW. Do you accept this reponsibility? - (ACCEPT) (REJECT)

"(ACCEPT)"

MAPI FAULT - MAPI ALREADY IN USE.

MAPI HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE TERMINATED. (OK)

"(OK)"

Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that the system is in danger. The system will now power down for safety reasons. (POWER DOWN) (STAY ON)

"(STAY ON)"

Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire, and/or in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call the police? - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

Microsoft Power Management(tm) has determined that a power loss has occured and the UPS has been activated. You have 10 minutes of power left. - (OK) (CANCEL)

"(OK)"

MICROSOFT SECURITY FAULT - MAPI NOT PRESENT

MICROSOFT SECURITY HAS BECOME UNSTABLE AND WILL BE TERMINATED. -(OK)

"(ESC)"
"(ESC)"
"(ESC)"
"(OK)"

YOUR SYSTEM HAS BECOME UNSTABLE - PLEASE REBOOT THE SYSTEM.

[thedrifter]

Microsoft TV Dinners


MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and you are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

[thedrifter]

Middle Age


A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

[thedrifter]

Military


One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

[thedrifter]

Military Computer


Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

[thedrifter]

Military Computer - 2


Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

[thedrifter]

Bad day

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[thedrifter]

Gifts

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.

ABRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible-Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

ABRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas he's a pain in the tuchas.

But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS

[thedrifter]

Construction workers

The high steel building workers break for lunch and sit down high above the city.

The first, a Mexican American, opens his lunch box and complains, "Not beans and rice again today, Every day, beans & rice, beans & rice. If I have beans & rice again tomorrow I will throw myself from this building."

The next man, an African American, opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Not fried chicken & watermelon again. Every day fried chicken & watermelon. If I have that again tomorrow I'll throw myself off too."

The last man, a redneck opens his lunch box and raves, "Not peanut butter sandwiches again. Every day the same sandwiches. If I have that one more time tomorrow I'll throw myself off with you guys."

The next day at lunch the Mexican American opens his lunch and cries, "Beans & rice.?!?" He throws himself off the building from the 20th floor!

The African American opens this lunch and sees that he has fried chicken and watermelon again and throws himself off, too!

The Redneck opens his lunch and shouts, "Peanut butter again." and throws himself off as well!

The next day at the combined funeral the wife of the Mexican American stands up and tearfully says, "If I only knew he didn't like beans and rice, I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the African American stands and says, "I always thought he liked fried chicken. If I knew he hated it I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the Redneck stands and says, "I don't understands it.. He always made his own lunch!!!

[thedrifter]

Extra money

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[thedrifter]

Port or Sherry?

A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

[thedrifter]

Thoroughbred Zebra

A farmer had a beautiful Thoroughbred mare who he could not get in foal. A neighbor had a lovely Zebra stallion and he thought they might make a nice cross. Called up the neighbor and asked him to bring old stripes over to visit his mare. They turned the two in a paddock together. The mare snorted threw her head up in the air and trotted over to the far corner. The farmer was frustrated and called over to her and asked if the Zebra wasn't good enough for her. She neighed in reply. "He's lovely! I am just waiting for him to take off his pajamas."

[thedrifter]

Car accident

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

[thedrifter]

Moral of the story

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Billy's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[thedrifter]

I'm sorry honey

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[thedrifter]

Be quiet

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[thedrifter]

Crazy Drivers!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Boy," said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"

[thedrifter]

The Toothbrush Salesman

One afternoon at a toothbrush company they had a meeting. Each salesmen was telling their sales for the week.

One man stood up and said "Well my sales for the week was 80." Everyone clapped, waiting for the next person.

Another man stood up and said "Well I beat him. My sales for the week was 120." Everyone clapped for him.

Finally a salesman with a really bad lisp stood up and said "Well, my total swales fur tha sweek swas 250." Everyone was wondering what he had done to have such high sales. Finally the head boss ask him how he got that high sales.

He explained "Swell, I shet me up a booth and had some schips and dips and offererd for free. When the peoples ate the schips and dips they said their breth smelled like **** so I sold them each a toothbrush.

[thedrifter]

The Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet." Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

[thedrifter]

The Healthy Way?

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?"

Coolly the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas
Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of
them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"


The blondes all nodded.


The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be
a detective, ya have to be able to detect. Ya must be able to notice things
such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."



So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it
after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did ya notice any distinguishing
features about the man?"


The blonde immediately said, "Yes , I did. He! has only one eye!"


The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one
eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"



The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective
then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about ya? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"


"Yes! He only has one ear!"



The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't ya hear what I
just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course ya
can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"



The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned
his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste
of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of
! seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did ya n otice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?"



The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."


The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at
some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled
expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could ya tell that by looking at this picture?"


The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one
ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 pound chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (pepperidge farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn. (Orville Redenbacher's Low Fat)
Salt and Pepper to taste
________________________________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.
_________________________________________________

When the chicken's a** blows the oven door open and the
chicken flies across the room, it is done.

*and you thought I couldn't cook.


__________________

[wayne553]

DEPLOYED TO SAUDIA ARABIA during the Gulf War, I noticed that several Marines had written symbols, phrases or nicknames on their helmets. A few senior reservists put previous war-tour dates on theirs, such as "1968-70 Vietnam." One young Marine inscribed a date that caused double takes. His helmet read: "1972-73 Kindergarten."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by SSgt. Timothy Lebeda



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wayne553]

AFTER THREE long months of Marine Corps chow at Parris Island, S.C., boot camp, I went into town for a home-style meal. Dashing into the first place I saw, I ordered a steak, mashed potatoes, green beans and a slice of apple pie. "You must be a brand-new boot-camp graduate," said the woman behind the counter. "How could you tell?" I asked. "Is it my taste in food?" "No," she replied. "This is a drugstore."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by J. Tuminaro

[thedrifter]

Military Etiquette


Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy. (starts looking for change...)

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

[thedrifter]

Military Life

Scenes from Military life

I RUN SOPHISTICATED weather programs on multi-million-dollar super-computers at a Navy center for environmental predictions. On the morning Hurricane Opal was heading for the Florida coast, my boss, a Navy commander, gave me detailed reports on the hurricane's status to pass along to a friend who has family in the area. Fascinated by his ability to summon up-to-date reports so quickly, I asked him how to do it. He gave me a puzzled took and said "Simple, Go turn on the television and watch the Weather Channel."
-Contributed by Joanne Miller

AS A MARINE, CAPTAIN stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, Sir," or "Second Marine Division, General." But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, "Which outfit are you in?" the Marine replied, "Dress blues, Sir, with medals!"
-Contributed by Lt. Col. John D. Bratten

DURING my Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord, Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mess sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site. The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed. "Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?" "It was delicious, Sir," replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."
-Contributed by 1st Lt. Vince Gilkey

IN THE ARMY during Operation Desert Storm, I found myself in a world that had changed little since Biblical times. With so few creature comforts available, packages from home containing cookies and canned goods were received with great anticipation. When I got a box from my sister, I happily tore into it, only to discover just how far from home I really was. She had filled it with packages of microwave popcorn.
-Contributed by Robert T. Sims

[thedrifter]

Military Oaths of Enlistment

The kids probably won't understand this, but those of us who
have served in the military will recognize this immediately!

Please note that what is being made fun of here is the stereotype,
not the actual people and certainly not the institution. I am proud
to have served in the US Navy (1965-1969).

================================================== ===================

US Air Force "Oath of Enlistment"

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the
United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army
and because the Marines frighten me.

I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by
others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also
swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our
bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and
defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe
myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone
by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and
I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at
all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion
of my *snicker* "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
Chairborne Ranger. I will do no work unless someone is watching me
(and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me,
and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all
those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.

___________________ _______________________
Signature Date


================================================== ===================

US Army "Oath of Enlistment"

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB
to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to
wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will
continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on
my PT test. After completion of Basic Training, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing
less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am
cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife
stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter,
better looking Air Force guy.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report
back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training
whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end
up working construction with my friends from high school. I will
brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but
will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So
help me God.

_________________________ ___________________________
Signature Date


================================================== ===================

US Navy "Oath of Enlistment"

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I
like to swim... why not?"

I promise to wear clothing what went out of style in 1976 and to have
my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.

I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during
the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to
use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world,
using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" when I really mean
"floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact
that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for
that matter, are completely different from the other services and
make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I
am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around
0930 hrs. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point
that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected
for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite
possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me
Neptune.

______________________ _______________________________
Signature Date


================================================== ===================

US Marine Corps "Oath of Enlistment"

I, state name here, swear...uhhh...high-and-tight...*grunt*
cammies...ugh...Air Force women... HOORAH! So help me Corps.

_______________________ ________________________________
Thumb Print Date
================================================== ===================

[thedrifter]

Military Rivalry


One day, a Soldier, a Sailor, a Marine, an Airman, and a Coast Guardsman got into a fight about which branch of the service was best. The fight became so heated, that they killed each other.

Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask him, "Which Branch of Service is the best?"

St. Peter replied, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask the Lord what He thinks the next time I see Him."

Some time later the five see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer to their question.

Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the five servicemen:

All the Branches of the Service are "Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that.
Signed, GOD, USN(Ret)

[thedrifter]

Millennium Virus

Now that the true millennium is here, remember to watch out for the Millennium Virus.

On the first of January all infected computers will switch to 1/1/1 video mode ( 1 pixel wide, 1 pixel high and 1 bit color depth).

It's called the New Year's Resolution Virus.


(OK, you can groan now!)

[thedrifter]

The Minister's Dentures


The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

[thedrifter]

Ministers and Lawyers

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

[thedrifter]

Minnesota Millionaire

Regis Philbin and the "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" television show have
been successful. Since there was at least one special show with theme questions
(Super Bowl), it only seemed appropriate to have more special versions.

Today we find out who is a true Minnesotan. No fair looking at the answers!

If you are ready, let's play Who wants to be a Minnesota Millionaire?


************************************************** ********
$100 How many Super Bowls have the Vikings won?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 0
d. 4
************************************************** ********
$200 The Mississippi River starts at which lake?
a. Lake Superior
b. Lake Itasca
c. Mille Lacs
d. The General Mills Pond
************************************************** ********
$400 "Choppers" are worn on which body part?
a. Hands
b. Feet
c. Head
d. Over da lower end of yer backside der.
************************************************** ********
$1,000 Which city is furder up nort der?
a. Ely
b. Dulute
c. St. Cloud
d. Waseca
************************************************** ********
$2,000 The Minnesota State fish is?
a. Bass
b. Walleye
c. Carp
d. Eelpout
************************************************** ********
$4,000 St. Paul is smaller than which other city?
a. Rochester
b. Dulute
c. Minneapolis
d. Osseo
************************************************** ********
$8,000 Lutefisk can be found where?
a. Mississippi River
b. Lake Superior
c. Mille Lacs Lake
d. The basement of a Lutheran Church
************************************************** ********
$16,000 Which is considered a Minnesota "State Holiday"?
a. St. Patrick's Day
b. Fishing Opener
c. Labor Day
d. Hopkins Raspberry Days
************************************************** *********
$32,000 Who are Ole and Sven?
a. The Mayors of Bemidji and Elk River
b. The Governor and Lt. Governor
c. The perpetual stereotypes of "Dumb Scandinavian" jokes
d. The former owners of the Vikings.
************************************************** ********
$64,000 Which color becomes fashionable each Fall?
a. Brown
b. Teal
c. Blaze Orange
d. Gray
************************************************** ********
$125,000 W-A-Y-Z-A-T-A is pronounced which way?
a. WAY-zat-A
b. why-ZET-a
c. way-ZOT-a
d. WHY-zate-a
************************************************** **********
$250,000 How thick should the ice be before driving onto the lake?
a. ½ inch
b. 1 inch
c. 10 feet
d. 12 inches
************************************************** ********
$500,000 Which star was not born in Minnesota?
a. Judy Garland
b. James Arness
c. Jessica Lange
d. Peewee Herman
************************************************** ********
$1,000,000 Who was the first governor of Minnesota?
a. Verne Gagne
b. Alexander Ramsey
c. Henry Sibley
d. Nick Bockwinkle
************************************************** ********

Answers below:

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100 c. 0
200 b. Lake Itasca
400 a. Hands
1,000 a. Ely
2,000 b. Walleye
4,000 c. Minneapolis
8,000 d. The basement of a Lutheran Church
16,000 b. Fishing Opener
32,000 c. The perpetual stereotypes of "Dumb Scandinavian" jokes
64,000 c. Blaze Orange
125,000 b. why-ZET-a
250,000 d. 12 inches
500,000 d. Peewee Herman
1,000,000 c. Henry Sibley

[thedrifter]

Minor Infraction

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me * but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- it was July 23.

[thedrifter]

Miracle Recovery


If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery ... offer to help with the housework.

If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.

[thedrifter]

M.I.S. Organization Chart

WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles
is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts.
Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers.
None of them has window offices.

So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige --
and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data
processing shop.

A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six
of these positions...usually all at the same time.

10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one.
Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's
time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out
time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent
attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.

The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability.
Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to
Systems Analyst.

9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new
systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and
work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to
get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position.

8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not
called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume.

7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the
Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team
Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders'
projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders'
projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.

6. Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream
about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts
beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has
an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data
processing industry. Going to law school at night.

5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems
Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without
warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new
releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially
during month-end processing.

4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no
one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But
every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of
them.

3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant
Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost
touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next
year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals.
Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead,
only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.

2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have
electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This
leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to
manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee
needs: paychecks, rumors, and supplies. Can make copier
self-destruct just by going to lunch.

1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to
meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to
himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants.
He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training.
He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches,
the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal
in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines
with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in
all kinds of extra hours...and will be paid overtime for every
one of them.

[thedrifter]

Mischievous Boys


There were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

[thedrifter]

Missed Ferry


This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

[thedrifter]

Missing Gas Cap


I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."

[thedrifter]

Missing Cows


A livestock truck overturned in my town. A TV reporter was doing the broadcast and stated, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby woods." After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."

[thedrifter]

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[thedrifter]

Missing Work


"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

[thedrifter]

Modern Translation


My six-year-old grandson was playing one of his video games while I worked in the kitchen near him.

He asked,"Grandma, what does 'veni, vidi, vici' mean?"

I answered,"It means 'I came, I saw, I conquered.' Why do you ask?"

He said,"It's here on my game."

A short while later I heard him say, "Been there, done that ... What was the third one, Grandma?"

[thedrifter]

Mom Again?


The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

[thedrifter]

Mom and Computers


All I know about computers I learned from my mom:

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

[thedrifter]

Mom's Dictionary (A-F)
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See"WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Mom's Dictionary (G-L)


GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

[thedrifter]

Mom's Dictionary (M-R)


MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

MOMMMMMMMY!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a Mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

[thedrifter]

Mom's Dictionary (S-Z)

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

[thedrifter]

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 3 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."

[thedrifter]

The Monastery


Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:

"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Money

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to
take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A more true Friend you will never find.

[thedrifter]

Money Talks

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

[thedrifter]

Money Worries


Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[thedrifter]

Monkey Business 1


An aircraft loaded with passengers, suddenly lost contact with the control
tower, and a survey team was immediately dispatched to the location it was
last seen. When the team reached the co-ordinates, they found a very small
island. They set up equipment there and sent divers into the sea. There was
no trace of the aircraft, the passengers or the black box. As the team was
pondering over their next move, one of them looks at the one tree and spots
a monkey there, a luggage tag hanging around its neck. On checking the cargo
list, they found that a monkey had been booked on the plane. Being the only
trace left, they caught the monkey and took it back. The singularity of the
plane's total disappearance forced the team to train the monkey in sign
language, so that it could be questioned.

After extensive training, the monkey(M) was brought before an enquiry
commission(EC), with the trainer as interpreter(I).

EC: What time did the accident happen?
M : Taps its wrist, where the watch would be, puts out ten fingers
and then rests its cheek on hands held together.
I : Ten at night.

EC: What were the passengers doing?
M : Rests its cheek on hands held together.
I : Sleeping.

EC: What were the Airhostess doing?
M : Rests its cheek on hands held together.
I : Sleeping.

EC: The Pilot?
M : Rests its cheek on hands held together.
I : Sleeping.

EC: The Co-Pilot?
M : Rests its cheek on hands held together.
I : Sleeping.

Now the commission is deeply troubled. If every body was sleeping, the crash
must have been due to a failure in the Auto-Pilot. Then one person hits upon
the question . . .

EC: What were YOU doing, when everybody was sleeping?
M : Holds its arms straight out in front, about one foot apart,
tightly closes its fists as if gripping a wheel, leans forward
and says "Vrrroooommm".

[thedrifter]

Monkey Business 2


A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

[thedrifter]

Morning Run


The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run.'

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."


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[thedrifter]

Morris the Burglar


A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Morris, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"

[thedrifter]

Mother in Florida


A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak." The son then asked why she was so weak? She said it was because she hadn't eaten in 38 days. The son then asked, "How come you havn't eaten in 38 days?" She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

[thedrifter]

Mother Goose Goes Verbose


What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward
verbosity and prolixity?

Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
precipitation,
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of
certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

[thedrifter]

Mother goose, PhD


What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward verbosity and prolixity?

Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus
of ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
precipitation, And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high
degree of certainty.

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian Damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency
so as to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

[thedrifter]

Mother's Advice


The new bride, went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

[thedrifter]

Mother's Helper


Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says . . . he always eats like a horse!"

[thedrifter]

Mother's Milk

A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:

Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it.

I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity.

Just be aware that THAT milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get my drift.

I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit better this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her.

[thedrifter]

Motorcycle Insurance

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

[thedrifter]

Mouths of Babes


I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

[Ed Palmer]

Toe Curl
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it
off and gone back to her place to have wild,
passionate sex. After they have finished he lies
back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that
was just about the best sex you have ever had,"
he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help
notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most
men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

[usmc4669]

Two former school mates met at a USO in California, they haven't seen each other since they joined the service in the 60's. One Chad Hendrix joined the Marine Corps and Robert Elliot joined the Air Force. They were happy to see each other after all these years and started reminiscing about their school days. Chad was a small man 5'9" 175 lbs compared to Robert, now Robert was a high school football hero 6'2" 215 lbs and the girls swarmed around him in school, now Chad was always getting into fights and never played any sports. As they talked Robert notice the ribbons on Chat's uniform and said you must have been in some good fights in Vietnam, chad said yes a few, now Chad look at the ribons on Robert's uniform and remark, you were luckly, what combat missions did you fight in? Robert replied none, I was wirh the Tactical Air Command, Chad you know that I was a lover not a fighter!

:marine: :banana:

[thedrifter]

The Movie Theater




A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"


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[thedrifter]

The Movies




For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."


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[thedrifter]

Mr. Mom




Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.

[thedrifter]

Mr. Sugarbrown's Daughter



A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The following Sunday, the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but my mom says I'm not."

[thedrifter]

Mr. Tzvecl




While working as an agricultural inspector at the Arizona state line, I found that addressing people in an informal manner relieved their nervousness and minimized problems. One day when a car with the vanity license plate "TZVECL" stopped for inspection, I approached the driver and said, "How are you, Mr. Tzvecl?"

"Your pronunciation is fine," he replied, "but that's not my name. I'm an optometrist, and those are the letters on the bottom line of my eye chart."

[thedrifter]

The Mule


A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said since there was no immediate health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Household Laws



**A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved.

**Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

**A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

**The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

**Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage.

**Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

**The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

**The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.

**The capacity of any water-heater is equal to 1-1/2 sibling showers.

**The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Laws of Computing



1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions.

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Laws for Parents




1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses - will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
(Tom's note: Isn't something ALWAYS in the last place you look? I mean, you don't keep looking once you've found it, do you?)

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

[thedrifter]

Music Tests




From the Missouri School Music Newsletter, these are answers to test questions compiled by music teachers.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it.

A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.


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[thedrifter]

Musical Instrument




My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

[thedrifter]

Musical Troubles



A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[Phantom Blooper]

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
:banana:

[usmc4669]

[QOUTE]White Zinfandel: He's gay[/QUOTE]

Watch it I like WHITE ZINFANDEL. LOL

[Phantom Blooper]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all my
intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten
it from your mother,'cause I still have mine."

[Phantom Blooper]

The doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Sam
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Sam storms off into the
bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today...it was hanging down yesterday...and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam...ya shoulda bought a hat."

[thedrifter]

The Toothbrush Salesman

One afternoon at a toothbrush company they had a meeting. Each salesmen was telling their sales for the week.

One man stood up and said "Well my sales for the week was 80." Everyone clapped, waiting for the next person.

Another man stood up and said "Well I beat him. My sales for the week was 120." Everyone clapped for him.

Finally a salesman with a really bad lisp stood up and said "Well, my total swales fur tha sweek swas 250." Everyone was wondering what he had done to have such high sales. Finally the head boss ask him how he got that high sales.

He explained "Swell, I shet me up a booth and had some schips and dips and offererd for free. When the peoples ate the schips and dips they said their breth smelled like **** so I sold them each a toothbrush.

[thedrifter]

The Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet." Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

[thedrifter]

The Healthy Way?

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?"

Coolly the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!"

[thedrifter]

Bad Memory

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[thedrifter]

Late G.I.s

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[thedrifter]

They've stolen the dashboard

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[thedrifter]

The Sandpit

Jack, Morgan and Rangi were at school one lunch time when the bell rang for class. The teacher asked Jack "Now Jack what did you do at lunch time?"

"I played in the sand Miss"
"Well if you can spell 'sand' you can go home for the day"
"S A N D"
At that she lets Jack go home.

"Now Morgan" the teacher says "What did you do at lunch time?"
"I played in the sandpit miss"
"Well if you spell 'pit' you can go home for the day"
"P I T"
Morgan heads off home

"Now Rangi" the teacher says "what did you do at lunchtime?"
"Well I wanted to play in the sandpit miss, but Jack and Morgan wouldn't let me"
"Now that's Racial Discrimination Rangi" she claims "Spell 'Racial Discrimination'

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny on the Banister Rail

Little Johnny and his neighbor, Suzy, are playing in the hone day, when Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary!"

"No, it's not. It'll be fun!" says little Johnny as he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth, with a large, beautiful, marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.

"That was great," he screams. "Come on, Suzy, you try now."

Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "it looks too scary."

"No, it's not!" exclaims little Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs onto the rail, and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. Again jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.

Finally, after much persuasion, Suzy agrees to give it a try. She climbs to the top of the stairs, then straddles the rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. right into the marble ball below. Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.

Little Johnny notices that Suzy is crying and holding her private parts in shear agony. "Maybe you'd better let me see," he suggests.

Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.

Suddenly, little Johnny's face goes pale white. "Oh, no!" he shouts. "This is horrible. you knocked *it* right off!"

[thedrifter]

Haunting Music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.?

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Don't you understand, "He's decomposing".

[thedrifter]

Stop that

A drunk is standing, ****ing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!"

The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zipper. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Surprise

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.

"Whattya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!", replied the voice.

"Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

[thedrifter]

Unemployment officer

Last week, Josh and Big Hoss went down to the unemployment office, looking for work.

Josh: "We heard that the fella who bought the Johnson's house is looking for some good workers."

Unemployment Officer: "Oh, you must mean Mr. Turner. I'll give him a phone call right now."

A few minutes later,

Unemployment Officer: "Sorry, guys. You're partly right....he is fixin' up the Johnson's house - new floors, door, windows, that sort of thing; but says he doesn't need any help."

Big Hoss: "Not what we heard. We heard, after he got the new windows installed, he was looking for some good window shutters."

[thedrifter]

Prisoner

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

[thedrifter]

Huge bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.

Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "

[thedrifter]

Marine Jokes
>
>
>
>An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told them that he
>was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real,
>then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes."
>
>
>
>Ten minutes went by. The professor kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am,
>God. I'm still waiting."
>
>
>
>It got down to the last couple of minutes when a young Marine, registered
>in
>the class on the continuing education program, rose from his seat, walked
>up
>the professor and punched him so hard in the face that the professor flew
>from the teaching platform and slammed up against the nearby wall.
>
>
>
>The professor struggled to his feet and yelled, "What in the hell is the
>matter with you? Why did you do that?"
>
>
>
>The young Marine replied, "God was busy. He sent me!"
>

[thedrifter]

Haircut, Anyone
>
>
>
>In a small town near Washington, Dc, a barber opened his shop for business.
>A young enlisted Sailor comes in to get a haircut. The barber asked the
>Sailor about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the
>haircut is complete, the Sailor opens his wallet and the barber said, "it's
>on the house Sailor. Thanks for your service to this great nation."
>
>
>
>The next morning when the barber opens his shop door for business, he finds
>a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks from the Sailor and
>a bright blue T-shirt with "Go Navy" on it.
>
>
>
>That same morning, a young Airman comes in for a haircut. They strike up a
>conversation and when the haircut is complete, the Airman reaches for his
>wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you
>for the service to our country."
>
>
>
>The next morning when the barber opens his shop, he finds a box on his
>doorstep with a thank you note from the Airman and an Air Force ball cap.
>
>
>
>That same morning, a young Marine named Bobby ,comes into the shop for a
>'high and tight'. They strike up a conversation about the Marine's service
>and when he gets ready to pay, the barber says, "It's on me, Marine.
>Thanks
>for your service to our great nation."
>
>
>
>The next morning when the barber opens his shop.. You guessed it, there are
>three more marines standing on his doorstep!

[thedrifter]

Get 'Em Gunny
>
>
>
>An elderly retired Marine Gunnery Sgt. Moved into a retirement community
>where well preserved, wealthy women were at a premium.
>
>
>
>After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said, "Bless
>me father, for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."
>
>
>
>The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink
>the
>juice without pausing."
>
>
>
>"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?'
>
>
>
>"No," replied the priest, "but it will wipe that ****-eatin' grin off your
>face."

[scarberry]

might fine

[thedrifter]

My Fortune




A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[thedrifter]

My Mind



"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

[thedrifter]

Name That Christmas Tune




The following Christmas carols were written by government officials.
Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their
Belief
2. Embellish Interior Passageways
3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of
A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color
5. Soundless Nocturnal Period
6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural
7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others
8. Precious Metal Musical Devices
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished
Males
10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural
By The First Person Plural
13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize
14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant
Future
15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period
Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal
Period
17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea
Southwest Of Jerusalem

Answers: 1. O Come All Ye Faithful, 2. Deck The Halls,
3. The Little Drummer Boy, 4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, 5. Silent Night, 6. We Three Kings,
7. The First Noel, 8. Silver Bells, 9. God Rest Ye
Merry Gentlemen, 10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,
11. Let It Snow, 12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, 14. Santa Claus Is
Coming To Town, 15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,
16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,
17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem