Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Boyfriend buying flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde then asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

[thedrifter]

T-G-I-F

A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F."
The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."
The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."
The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

[thedrifter]

WW - RW

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.

Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.

Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, "Duuuh! 15!".

[thedrifter]

Interviewed by Chief of Police

A blonde was being interview by the Chief of Police for an opening in the local Police Department. The chief said that before I hire you I have to ask a few questions.
Chief: First how much is 1 and 1.
Blonde Eleven
Chief: Well I guess I will accept that. Next what is the lords name?
Blonde: Howard!!
Chief: Howard??
Blonde: Yes, Our father who is in heaven, Howard be thy name!.
Chief: What 2 days of the week start with the letter T?
Blonde: Today and tomorrow!!
Chief: One more question. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: I don't know the answer to that question.
Chief: Well why don't you go home and work on it.

The blonde leaves the interview and goes to the local beauty parlor where she is greeted by friends who anxiously ask her how she made out in the interview. The blonde replied pretty good. First day on the job and they got me working on a murder investigation.

[thedrifter]

K-9 unit

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Gold medal

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
.
.
.
.
A: She had it bronzed.

[thedrifter]

Moaning all night

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.

The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down
to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last
night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of
toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for
my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as
well!"

[thedrifter]

Tip to tip

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body
between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure
from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked
out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of
my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that
would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the
measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em...
he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "Oh..My!", he said,
"where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

[thedrifter]

Bull Dung

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon after, he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

[thedrifter]

7 times

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie.

Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

[thedrifter]

Happiness

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

[thedrifter]

Knitting


Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

[thedrifter]

Knowledge is Power

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

[thedrifter]

Know Your Math!

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

[thedrifter]

Kosher Food Dictionary

*Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

*Matzoh: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

*Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

*Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.Y. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe suzette (I can't spell).

*Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

*Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

*Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard the comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans, "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests. She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

*Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

*Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

[Phantom Blooper]

During math class, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" "Seven," replied Johnny. "No, Johnny. Listen carefully. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" asked the teacher. "Seven!" insisted Johnny. "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples, two apples and another two apples, how many would you have?" the teacher asked. "Six," Johnny answered. "Good," said the teacher. "Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" "Seven!" Johnny said. "Johnny, how on earth do you work out that three and three is seven?" asked the baffled teacher. "Easy. I have a rabbit at home!" Johnny replied.
:bunny: :bunny:

[thedrifter]

Olympic Gold medal

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
.
.
.
.
A: She had it bronzed.

[thedrifter]

Living or dead

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[thedrifter]

Cookies

One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took one.

The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray.

"Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit his lip.

"I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.

[thedrifter]

Terrible hail storm

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it
full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at
least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was
some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow
into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to
give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the
exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that
she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my
car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

[thedrifter]

Speeding on the freeway

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[thedrifter]

First on the moon

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Ad messages

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.

And the first one gets married....

The second day the letter arrives with a single message ... simply: "Maxwell House Coffee!"

Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell House ad: "Satisfaction to the last drop...". So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is again happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Finally, after 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother looks into the BA ad, but fainted, "TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[thedrifter]

Quick thinker

A woman was at home looking in the mirror carressing her breasts when her husband came home from work.
He said what are you doing fondling your breasts like that?
She replied I went to the dr. today and he said i have breasts of a 25 yr old.
The husband said what did he say about your 50 yr old ass?
She said oh we didnt talk about you at all.

[thedrifter]

Buying the farm

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung
anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[thedrifter]

Animals

A bear and a rabbit were in the forest taking a ****. The bear then looks over at the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said,"No I don't."

The bear then picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass!

[thedrifter]

Oh Baby

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes; yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

[thedrifter]

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[thedrifter]

Land Ho!


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to 1803, and he had to spend three months running it down.

After sending the information to FHA, he got this reply: "We received your letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1802, and therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back of that year.

Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case No. 189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope you are satisfied."

[thedrifter]

Land of Oz


Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

[thedrifter]

Languages


A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[thedrifter]

Large Rodents

I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep. Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission:



Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with
Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound
that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet
in diameter.

Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.

#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)




I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the nuclear powered version.

[thedrifter]

Laryngitis


During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

[thedrifter]

Last Known Position


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

[Das Behaelter]

L.A. Riots (A True Story):

The Marines were backing-up Los Angeles Police Department on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat; but to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"


Do You Have Your I.D. (A True Story)?

A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The duty policy was to check 100% of all I.D. cards including military in uniform regardless of rank. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young Marine PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both I.D. cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station C.O. and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."
...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45: "Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"
The admiral showed his I.D.


Chat:

Two Marines were having a chat during their free time.
First Marine: Why did you join the Marine Corp?
Second Marine: I didn't have a wife and I love war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Corp?
First Marine: I had a wife and I love peace. So I joined.


Little Melissa and the Marines:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

[thedrifter]

License please

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[thedrifter]

Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[thedrifter]

New stewardness

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay the night.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the
new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[thedrifter]

She had to be a blonde....

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quater back!'"

[thedrifter]

See-through lunch box lids

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
.
.
.
.
A: So that when they're on the subway train they can tell if they're
going to work or coming home.

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

You’ll be fine

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[thedrifter]

Specialized

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[thedrifter]

Never let him see you in the nude

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[thedrifter]

Glass Bowl with water and condom

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

Last Request


Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[thedrifter]

Last Wishes


A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then the first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the second, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

[thedrifter]

Late Wedding Gift


Five years after my wife and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

She wasn't amused, but did think the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."

[thedrifter]

The Latest Medicines (1998)


With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Inc. is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
(Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days.
Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

[thedrifter]

Latest Mergers


Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine-All-Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell-Honeychild.

3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3-Penney-Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott-NOW!

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. Apparently, it went in one ear and out the udder.

[Phantom Blooper]

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.



On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.



Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

Yipeeee....Yee Ha!

[Phantom Blooper]

The retired Marine officer had been out of military
service for several years. He had established a
furniture store in his home town and was doing quite
well .

He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding
some expensive French furniture he knew no one else
in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to
France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful
and he found a number of pieces he thought he could
profitably sell back home. After the arrangements
were made to begin shipping this furniture to the
USA he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in
a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an
empty table. About the time his wine arrived, a
beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty
chair at his table with a questioning look. He
assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his
head "Yes."

The girl sat down with him. The girl tried to talk
to him, but he understood not one word of French. He
tried to talk to her but she understood not one word
of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and
drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded
her head "Yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was
finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for
dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of
two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her
head "Yes" and took him by the hand and led him to a
very nice restaurant. They went in. She spoke with
the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet
corner where they could hear the band and see the
dance floor. The Marine could not read the French
menu, so he allowed her to order for him. The food
was excellent and the couple enjoyed it.

After dinner, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a couple dancing. She nodded her head "Yes" and they
danced to every song the band played, fast or slow.
When the band began to pack their instruments, the
couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's
pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a
four poster bed. The Marine still wonders to this
day how she knew he was in the FURNITURE BUSINESS!!

[thedrifter]

Hot Phone

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead
of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

[thedrifter]

Swinging rope

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

10 were blondes, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party must let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

[thedrifter]

Nude Beach

A blonde and her 6 yr. old son were walking along a nude beach when the son asked "Mommy, why do some of the other blonde women have bigger boobies than you?"

She answered "Some blondes do have bigger boobies than other blondes, and the bigger the boobies are, the dumber the blondes are."

Later he asked "Mommy, why do some of the other men have bigger pee pees than Daddy?"

The blonde answered " Some men do have bigger pee pees than other men, and the bigger the pee pee, the dumber the man is.

Later, the young boy ran up to his Blonde mother and said "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking the the dumbest blonde I ever saw, and the more he talked to her, the dumber Dad got!

[thedrifter]

The Little Bastard

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, *******! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

[thedrifter]

Finally a Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a New York City Bank and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says he will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Porche parked out the front of the bank.

With the title and paper work all checked out, the bank agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.

The loan officer drives the new Porche into the bank's underground garage and park's it there.

Two week's later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000's she loaned, and $15.40 interest that accumulated. The loan officer approaches the blonde and says "We here at the bank are very happy that this transaction has worked out, but while you were away, I checked you out, and I'm a little puzzled. I found out that you are a multi-millionare. What puzzles me is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

You’ll be fine

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[thedrifter]

Specialized

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[thedrifter]

Never let him see you in the nude

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[thedrifter]

Glass Bowl with water and condom

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

[thedrifter]

God Showing Off

Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

[thedrifter]

Safe Haven

A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, "Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?"

"No," replies the boy. "He beats me."

The social worker says, "Do you want to live with your mother?"

The boy says, "No, she beats me too."

"Well, then," asks the social worker, "Who do you want to live with?"

The boy answers, "The New Orleans Saints."

The social worker is taken aback. "The Saints? Why do you want to live with the New Orleans Saints?"

"Because," replies the boy, "They don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

Post Season Madness

A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"

The owner replied, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

[thedrifter]

Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[thedrifter]

The Laws Of Golfing

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

5. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

9. Palm trees eat golf balls.

10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

13. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Moo

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead break out of jail and run to an old abandoned farm. The police are hot on their trail. The three women hide up in three different oak trees.

The police go up to the redhead's tree when they hear rustling.

"Who's up there?'"

"Meow", the redhead replies.

"Oh! its just a cat." think the policeman.

The police go up to the brunette's tree.

"Who's up there?"

"Hoot, Hoot" says the brunette.

"Oh, that's just an owl" think the police.

Finally, the police go to the blonde's tree.

"Who's up there?"

"Moo."

[thedrifter]

It's magic

A blonde was attending her nephew's birthday party and she became overwhelmed by the magician who was doing tricks for the kids.

After every trick, she would run up, check out his hat, look down his sleeves and in his pockets, and ask how he did it. He finished his act and went inside to use the restroom. She followed him inside hoping she would find out how he did all those tricks. When she burst into the bathroom, he finally couldn't take it anymore. He offered to one special trick just for her, but he told her that he would need her help to do it. She eagerly agreed and he told her to take off all of her clothes and get down on her hands and knees and close her eyes. She did as she was instructed. The magician said he was going to stick his thumb in her ass and that she would feel some pressure. He said "do you feel any pressure?". She said "yes". He began twirling his fingers beside her ears, told her to open her eyes and said "It's MAGIC!"

[thedrifter]

A trip to hawaii

The California blonde was thinking of taking a vacation to Hawaii. She wondered how long the flight was, so she called Hawaiian Airlines for some information.

The busy Hawaiian Airline reservation lady answered and the blonde said: " Could you tell me how long is the flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu?"

The reservation clerk said: "Just a minute."

The blonde said; " Thank you" and hung up.

[thedrifter]

The Backseat

A blonde girl and her boyfriend were making out in the front seat of the car. The boy friend says "hey baby,ya wanna get in the backseat?" the blonde says "no."

They continue on making out, getting more into it so the boyfriend says "baby, ya wanna get in the backseat?" again, she says "no."

So they are making out more and more and the boyfriend asks one more time "wanna get in the backseat" and she says "no." So the boyfriend finally asks "why don't u wanna get in the backseat?" she says "well, i wanna stay up here with you."

[thedrifter]

Three Blondes in Woods

Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.

The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".

The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.

The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."

They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

Into the woods

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[thedrifter]

Body odor

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

[thedrifter]

Divorce court

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.

[thedrifter]

12 pound nugget of Gold

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown-he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown-He thought he was.
Reporter-Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown-It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter-Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter-Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown-No, but quite near it.
Reporter-Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter-Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter-Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown-I do my level best.
Reporter-do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown-No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter-Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

[thedrifter]

Leroy

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

[thedrifter]

What's wrong?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

[thedrifter]

Married life is very frustrating

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[thedrifter]

Speaking to God

A man was speaking to God.

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".

God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "

[thedrifter]

101 Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[thedrifter]

Marriage is...

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

[thedrifter]

Marriage requires...

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring

[Phantom Blooper]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station,
when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon is tied
to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is
nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

[thedrifter]

Three Blondes in Woods

Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.

The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".

The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.

The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."

They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

The 6:00 news

A blonde & brunet are @ a bar watching the 6:00 NEWS. The lead story is fottage of a man about to jump off a bridge.

The brunet says to the blonde "I bet you 50$ the man jumps!"

The blonde replays"Your on!!"

So the man jumps off the bridge & the brunet says "I cant take your money I watched the 5:00 news and saw him jump."

The blonde says "I watched the 5:00 news too but, I didn't think he would jump again!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Head Cleaner

A blonde wanted to rent an X-rated video. At the store she selected a title that sounded hot.

At home she put the tape in the VCR but there wasn't anything on the screen, just snow and static. So she called the store manager, "I just rented an adult movie from you", she complained "and there is nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about that miss, which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "according to the box, it's called "Head Cleaner""

[thedrifter]

Head & Shoulder

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[thedrifter]

10 inventions by blondes

1. water proof towel

2. solar powered flashlight

3. submarine screen door

4. a book on how to read

5. inflatable dart board

6. a dictionary index

7. ejector seat in a helicopter

8. powdered water

9. pedel powered wheel chair

10. water proff tea bag

[thedrifter]

Hit the brakes

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes........."

[thedrifter]

Priest

Three couples want to join a church. They all talk to the Pastor to see what must be done in order to be accepted. He says, You must go without sex for three weeks. Each couple agrees.

Three weeks later all the couples return. Father says to the first couple, "How did you do?"
"Oh, Father," they replied "We did fine. We've been married for twenty years! We're used to be going without sex."
"Very good." says the father, "Welcome to my church."

He then asks the second couple how they did.
"It was kind of hard, Father. We've gone up to two weeks without it, but never three. Somehow we managed though."
"Good, Welcome to my church," he says.

"Well?" he turns to the third couple.
"Oh, Father! We did fine up until this morning! We were at breakfast and my wife bent over to retrieve her napkin and I just had to do her right then and there!"
"I'm sorry" says the pastor, " You are no longer allowed in my church."
"That's okay," says the wife. "We're not allowed at that restaurant anymore either."

[thedrifter]

Nursing home Viagra

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night. The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby. The grandson is curious about the Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why. The nurse replies that the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra tablet keeps him from rolling out of bed.

[thedrifter]

Cud ya be sewin

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "Oh my, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

[thedrifter]

Virtual Breasts

(o)(o) Perfect Breasts

( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts

(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts

(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts

(.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts

o o "A" Cups

{ O }{ O } "D" Cups

(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts

( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided Breasts

(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts

(p)(p) Hanging Tassle Breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts

( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts

< o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts

(8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts

( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts

( /\ )( /\ ) Madonna's Breasts

[thedrifter]

Oh-Lady-Hoo

Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the yodeling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail.

When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could stay the night.

"No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use."

Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry father into the bedroom.

He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"

As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of buckshot in his rear end.

As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But, when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick."

[thedrifter]

The Old Golfer

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

[thedrifter]

The Deaf Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[thedrifter]

Par For The Course

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Arnold Palmer."

"Arnold Palmer the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Arnie wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"

"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you dong?" she says.

The husband replies, "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food."

"Arnie wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"NO! I'm calling Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"

[thedrifter]

Handicap

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"

"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......?!?"

"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."

"OK," said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."

"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?"

"He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

[Phantom Blooper]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.


:banana:

[cmbell]

..

[cmbell]

One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"

Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"

[cmbell]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other an