Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Boyfriend buying flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde then asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

[thedrifter]

T-G-I-F

A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F."
The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."
The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."
The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

[thedrifter]

WW - RW

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.

Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.

Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, "Duuuh! 15!".

[thedrifter]

Interviewed by Chief of Police

A blonde was being interview by the Chief of Police for an opening in the local Police Department. The chief said that before I hire you I have to ask a few questions.
Chief: First how much is 1 and 1.
Blonde Eleven
Chief: Well I guess I will accept that. Next what is the lords name?
Blonde: Howard!!
Chief: Howard??
Blonde: Yes, Our father who is in heaven, Howard be thy name!.
Chief: What 2 days of the week start with the letter T?
Blonde: Today and tomorrow!!
Chief: One more question. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: I don't know the answer to that question.
Chief: Well why don't you go home and work on it.

The blonde leaves the interview and goes to the local beauty parlor where she is greeted by friends who anxiously ask her how she made out in the interview. The blonde replied pretty good. First day on the job and they got me working on a murder investigation.

[thedrifter]

K-9 unit

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Gold medal

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
.
.
.
.
A: She had it bronzed.

[thedrifter]

Moaning all night

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their
honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the
receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite.

The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down
to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last
night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of
toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for
my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as
well!"

[thedrifter]

Tip to tip

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body
between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure
from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked
out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of
my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that
would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the
measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em...
he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "Oh..My!", he said,
"where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

[thedrifter]

Bull Dung

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon after, he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

[thedrifter]

7 times

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie.

Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

[thedrifter]

Happiness

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

[thedrifter]

Knitting


Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

[thedrifter]

Knowledge is Power

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

[thedrifter]

Know Your Math!

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

[thedrifter]

Kosher Food Dictionary

*Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

*Matzoh: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

*Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

*Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.Y. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe suzette (I can't spell).

*Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

*Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

*Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard the comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans, "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests. She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

*Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

*Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

[Phantom Blooper]

During math class, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" "Seven," replied Johnny. "No, Johnny. Listen carefully. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" asked the teacher. "Seven!" insisted Johnny. "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples, two apples and another two apples, how many would you have?" the teacher asked. "Six," Johnny answered. "Good," said the teacher. "Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?" "Seven!" Johnny said. "Johnny, how on earth do you work out that three and three is seven?" asked the baffled teacher. "Easy. I have a rabbit at home!" Johnny replied.
:bunny: :bunny:

[thedrifter]

Olympic Gold medal

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
.
.
.
.
A: She had it bronzed.

[thedrifter]

Living or dead

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[thedrifter]

Cookies

One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took one.

The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she screamed, pointing to the 'free sample' tray.

"Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store clerk, as he bit his lip.

"I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.

[thedrifter]

Terrible hail storm

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail
storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it
full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at
least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was
some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow
into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to
give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the
exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that
she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my
car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

[thedrifter]

Speeding on the freeway

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[thedrifter]

First on the moon

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Ad messages

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.

And the first one gets married....

The second day the letter arrives with a single message ... simply: "Maxwell House Coffee!"

Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell House ad: "Satisfaction to the last drop...". So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is again happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Finally, after 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother looks into the BA ad, but fainted, "TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[thedrifter]

Quick thinker

A woman was at home looking in the mirror carressing her breasts when her husband came home from work.
He said what are you doing fondling your breasts like that?
She replied I went to the dr. today and he said i have breasts of a 25 yr old.
The husband said what did he say about your 50 yr old ass?
She said oh we didnt talk about you at all.

[thedrifter]

Buying the farm

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung
anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[thedrifter]

Animals

A bear and a rabbit were in the forest taking a ****. The bear then looks over at the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said,"No I don't."

The bear then picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass!

[thedrifter]

Oh Baby

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes; yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

[thedrifter]

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[thedrifter]

Land Ho!


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to 1803, and he had to spend three months running it down.

After sending the information to FHA, he got this reply: "We received your letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1802, and therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back of that year.

Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case No. 189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope you are satisfied."

[thedrifter]

Land of Oz


Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

[thedrifter]

Languages


A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[thedrifter]

Large Rodents

I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep. Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission:



Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with
Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound
that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet
in diameter.

Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.

#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)




I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the nuclear powered version.

[thedrifter]

Laryngitis


During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

[thedrifter]

Last Known Position


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

[Das Behaelter]

L.A. Riots (A True Story):

The Marines were backing-up Los Angeles Police Department on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat; but to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"


Do You Have Your I.D. (A True Story)?

A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The duty policy was to check 100% of all I.D. cards including military in uniform regardless of rank. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young Marine PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both I.D. cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station C.O. and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."
...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45: "Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"
The admiral showed his I.D.


Chat:

Two Marines were having a chat during their free time.
First Marine: Why did you join the Marine Corp?
Second Marine: I didn't have a wife and I love war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Corp?
First Marine: I had a wife and I love peace. So I joined.


Little Melissa and the Marines:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

[thedrifter]

License please

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[thedrifter]

Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[thedrifter]

New stewardness

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay the night.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the
new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[thedrifter]

She had to be a blonde....

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quater back!'"

[thedrifter]

See-through lunch box lids

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
.
.
.
.
A: So that when they're on the subway train they can tell if they're
going to work or coming home.

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

You’ll be fine

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[thedrifter]

Specialized

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[thedrifter]

Never let him see you in the nude

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[thedrifter]

Glass Bowl with water and condom

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

Last Request


Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[thedrifter]

Last Wishes


A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it Beautiful!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then the first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the second, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

[thedrifter]

Late Wedding Gift


Five years after my wife and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

She wasn't amused, but did think the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."

[thedrifter]

The Latest Medicines (1998)


With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Inc. is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
(Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days.
Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

[thedrifter]

Latest Mergers


Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine-All-Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell-Honeychild.

3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3-Penney-Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott-NOW!

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. Apparently, it went in one ear and out the udder.

[Phantom Blooper]

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.



On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.



Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

Yipeeee....Yee Ha!

[Phantom Blooper]

The retired Marine officer had been out of military
service for several years. He had established a
furniture store in his home town and was doing quite
well .

He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding
some expensive French furniture he knew no one else
in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to
France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful
and he found a number of pieces he thought he could
profitably sell back home. After the arrangements
were made to begin shipping this furniture to the
USA he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in
a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an
empty table. About the time his wine arrived, a
beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty
chair at his table with a questioning look. He
assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his
head "Yes."

The girl sat down with him. The girl tried to talk
to him, but he understood not one word of French. He
tried to talk to her but she understood not one word
of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and
drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded
her head "Yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was
finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for
dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of
two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her
head "Yes" and took him by the hand and led him to a
very nice restaurant. They went in. She spoke with
the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet
corner where they could hear the band and see the
dance floor. The Marine could not read the French
menu, so he allowed her to order for him. The food
was excellent and the couple enjoyed it.

After dinner, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a couple dancing. She nodded her head "Yes" and they
danced to every song the band played, fast or slow.
When the band began to pack their instruments, the
couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's
pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a
four poster bed. The Marine still wonders to this
day how she knew he was in the FURNITURE BUSINESS!!

[thedrifter]

Hot Phone

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead
of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

[thedrifter]

Swinging rope

11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

10 were blondes, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party must let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

[thedrifter]

Nude Beach

A blonde and her 6 yr. old son were walking along a nude beach when the son asked "Mommy, why do some of the other blonde women have bigger boobies than you?"

She answered "Some blondes do have bigger boobies than other blondes, and the bigger the boobies are, the dumber the blondes are."

Later he asked "Mommy, why do some of the other men have bigger pee pees than Daddy?"

The blonde answered " Some men do have bigger pee pees than other men, and the bigger the pee pee, the dumber the man is.

Later, the young boy ran up to his Blonde mother and said "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking the the dumbest blonde I ever saw, and the more he talked to her, the dumber Dad got!

[thedrifter]

The Little Bastard

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, *******! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

[thedrifter]

Finally a Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a New York City Bank and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says he will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a brand new Porche parked out the front of the bank.

With the title and paper work all checked out, the bank agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.

The loan officer drives the new Porche into the bank's underground garage and park's it there.

Two week's later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000's she loaned, and $15.40 interest that accumulated. The loan officer approaches the blonde and says "We here at the bank are very happy that this transaction has worked out, but while you were away, I checked you out, and I'm a little puzzled. I found out that you are a multi-millionare. What puzzles me is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

You’ll be fine

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[thedrifter]

Specialized

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[thedrifter]

Never let him see you in the nude

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[thedrifter]

Glass Bowl with water and condom

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

[thedrifter]

God Showing Off

Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

[thedrifter]

Safe Haven

A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, "Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?"

"No," replies the boy. "He beats me."

The social worker says, "Do you want to live with your mother?"

The boy says, "No, she beats me too."

"Well, then," asks the social worker, "Who do you want to live with?"

The boy answers, "The New Orleans Saints."

The social worker is taken aback. "The Saints? Why do you want to live with the New Orleans Saints?"

"Because," replies the boy, "They don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

Post Season Madness

A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"

The owner replied, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

[thedrifter]

Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[thedrifter]

The Laws Of Golfing

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

5. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

9. Palm trees eat golf balls.

10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

13. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


:banana:

[thedrifter]

Moo

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead break out of jail and run to an old abandoned farm. The police are hot on their trail. The three women hide up in three different oak trees.

The police go up to the redhead's tree when they hear rustling.

"Who's up there?'"

"Meow", the redhead replies.

"Oh! its just a cat." think the policeman.

The police go up to the brunette's tree.

"Who's up there?"

"Hoot, Hoot" says the brunette.

"Oh, that's just an owl" think the police.

Finally, the police go to the blonde's tree.

"Who's up there?"

"Moo."

[thedrifter]

It's magic

A blonde was attending her nephew's birthday party and she became overwhelmed by the magician who was doing tricks for the kids.

After every trick, she would run up, check out his hat, look down his sleeves and in his pockets, and ask how he did it. He finished his act and went inside to use the restroom. She followed him inside hoping she would find out how he did all those tricks. When she burst into the bathroom, he finally couldn't take it anymore. He offered to one special trick just for her, but he told her that he would need her help to do it. She eagerly agreed and he told her to take off all of her clothes and get down on her hands and knees and close her eyes. She did as she was instructed. The magician said he was going to stick his thumb in her ass and that she would feel some pressure. He said "do you feel any pressure?". She said "yes". He began twirling his fingers beside her ears, told her to open her eyes and said "It's MAGIC!"

[thedrifter]

A trip to hawaii

The California blonde was thinking of taking a vacation to Hawaii. She wondered how long the flight was, so she called Hawaiian Airlines for some information.

The busy Hawaiian Airline reservation lady answered and the blonde said: " Could you tell me how long is the flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu?"

The reservation clerk said: "Just a minute."

The blonde said; " Thank you" and hung up.

[thedrifter]

The Backseat

A blonde girl and her boyfriend were making out in the front seat of the car. The boy friend says "hey baby,ya wanna get in the backseat?" the blonde says "no."

They continue on making out, getting more into it so the boyfriend says "baby, ya wanna get in the backseat?" again, she says "no."

So they are making out more and more and the boyfriend asks one more time "wanna get in the backseat" and she says "no." So the boyfriend finally asks "why don't u wanna get in the backseat?" she says "well, i wanna stay up here with you."

[thedrifter]

Three Blondes in Woods

Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.

The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".

The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.

The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."

They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

Into the woods

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[thedrifter]

Body odor

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

[thedrifter]

Divorce court

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.

[thedrifter]

12 pound nugget of Gold

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter-Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown-he does.
Reporter-Is he in?
Mrs.Brown-No he isn't.
Reporter-I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown--(Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter-Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown-I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter-Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown-No, it is quite handy.
Reporter-Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown-Almost ten months.
Reporter-Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown-He thought he was.
Reporter-Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown-It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter-Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter-Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown-No, but quite near it.
Reporter-Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown-Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter-Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter-Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown-I do my level best.
Reporter-do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown-No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter-Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown-Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

[thedrifter]

Leroy

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

[thedrifter]

What's wrong?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

[thedrifter]

Married life is very frustrating

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[thedrifter]

Speaking to God

A man was speaking to God.

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"

God said: "I did that to make you love them".

The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".

God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "

[thedrifter]

101 Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[thedrifter]

Marriage is...

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

[thedrifter]

Marriage requires...

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring
- The Endue-Ring

[Phantom Blooper]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station,
when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon is tied
to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is
nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

[thedrifter]

Three Blondes in Woods

Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.

The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".

The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.

The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."

They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[thedrifter]

The 6:00 news

A blonde & brunet are @ a bar watching the 6:00 NEWS. The lead story is fottage of a man about to jump off a bridge.

The brunet says to the blonde "I bet you 50$ the man jumps!"

The blonde replays"Your on!!"

So the man jumps off the bridge & the brunet says "I cant take your money I watched the 5:00 news and saw him jump."

The blonde says "I watched the 5:00 news too but, I didn't think he would jump again!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Head Cleaner

A blonde wanted to rent an X-rated video. At the store she selected a title that sounded hot.

At home she put the tape in the VCR but there wasn't anything on the screen, just snow and static. So she called the store manager, "I just rented an adult movie from you", she complained "and there is nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about that miss, which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "according to the box, it's called "Head Cleaner""

[thedrifter]

Head & Shoulder

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[thedrifter]

10 inventions by blondes

1. water proof towel

2. solar powered flashlight

3. submarine screen door

4. a book on how to read

5. inflatable dart board

6. a dictionary index

7. ejector seat in a helicopter

8. powdered water

9. pedel powered wheel chair

10. water proff tea bag

[thedrifter]

Hit the brakes

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes........."

[thedrifter]

Priest

Three couples want to join a church. They all talk to the Pastor to see what must be done in order to be accepted. He says, You must go without sex for three weeks. Each couple agrees.

Three weeks later all the couples return. Father says to the first couple, "How did you do?"
"Oh, Father," they replied "We did fine. We've been married for twenty years! We're used to be going without sex."
"Very good." says the father, "Welcome to my church."

He then asks the second couple how they did.
"It was kind of hard, Father. We've gone up to two weeks without it, but never three. Somehow we managed though."
"Good, Welcome to my church," he says.

"Well?" he turns to the third couple.
"Oh, Father! We did fine up until this morning! We were at breakfast and my wife bent over to retrieve her napkin and I just had to do her right then and there!"
"I'm sorry" says the pastor, " You are no longer allowed in my church."
"That's okay," says the wife. "We're not allowed at that restaurant anymore either."

[thedrifter]

Nursing home Viagra

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night. The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby. The grandson is curious about the Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why. The nurse replies that the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra tablet keeps him from rolling out of bed.

[thedrifter]

Cud ya be sewin

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "Oh my, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

[thedrifter]

Virtual Breasts

(o)(o) Perfect Breasts

( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts

(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts

(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts

(.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts

o o "A" Cups

{ O }{ O } "D" Cups

(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts

( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided Breasts

(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts

(p)(p) Hanging Tassle Breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts

( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts

< o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts

(8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts

( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts

( /\ )( /\ ) Madonna's Breasts

[thedrifter]

Oh-Lady-Hoo

Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the yodeling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail.

When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could stay the night.

"No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use."

Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry father into the bedroom.

He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"

As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of buckshot in his rear end.

As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But, when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick."

[thedrifter]

The Old Golfer

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

[thedrifter]

The Deaf Mute Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[thedrifter]

Par For The Course

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Arnold Palmer."

"Arnold Palmer the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband replies, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Arnie wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"

"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you dong?" she says.

The husband replies, "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food."

"Arnie wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"NO! I'm calling Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!"

[thedrifter]

Handicap

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"

"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......?!?"

"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."

"OK," said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."

"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?"

"He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

[Phantom Blooper]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.


:banana:

[cmbell]

..

[cmbell]

One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"

Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"

[cmbell]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the front porch. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[cmbell]

Signs that your mobile home is haunted.

1. A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.

13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."

14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib--no wait that's Jimmy.

15. You hear strange moaning-but only during Shania Twain videos.

16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee.

17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.

18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.

19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."

20. Instead of saying "boo" the ghost says "boo-ya'll!"

21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin... and he's peeing on YOU!!

22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them.

23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.

24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because Richard Simmons is on TV.

25. You come home one day and it's clean.

[thedrifter]

Police Encounter

One day a blonde was driving down the freeway in her soft-top BMW when she was pulled over by police.

He walked over to her car and said "can I please see your drivers lisence mam".

She said "drivers liscence, whats that ?"

"It is a little piece of plastic with your picture on it!"

"Oh that, here it is".

He then said "may I see your car insurance".

"Car insurance, whats that?"

"It is a document saying you can drive this car"

"Oh that here it is".

The blonde then turned around and noticed the police man starting to unzip his pants and she said "oohh, not another breathalizer test"

[thedrifter]

Bimbo's R ..... Bimbo's

Two blondes named Trish and Amber for a stroll in the park... when they came back to their car, they realized that Trish locked the keys in the car.

So Amber tried to unlock it with a close hanger they found...

Amber: It's too hard... and I've tried doing this method for over an hour now!

Trish: Well Amber, you better work faster, cos it looks like it's about to rain and our sunroof is open!

[thedrifter]

Ice Fishing Blondes

A group of blondes are ice fishing, and having no luck. They see a group of brunettes a few yards away who are also ice fishing, and they're pulling up fish after fish. The blondes decide to send a spy over to see how the brunettes are getting all the fish. The blond goes over and watches them for a minute or two, then comes back and says, "We have to cut a hole in the ice!"

[thedrifter]

Crash Course

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said " I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning , but no cause for concern because we have two more engines. The flight will just be delayed by an hour".

After about twenty minutes ,the pilot comes and says" I'm afraid that the second engine has stopped functioning as well , but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more"

A blonde passenger at the back of the flight says angrily " My God! if one more engine stops functioning , we will be stuck here all day"

[thedrifter]

How to Kill A Blonde

One Day, A Blonde walks into a hair salon with headphones on. The Hairstylist said:

"What would you like done today?"

The Blonde Answered..."I want to get my hair permed."

"Well, you're gonna have to remove those headphones first." answered the hairstylist.

"But I can't! My parents said that if I EVER take them off, I'll die!" The Blonde said

"Alright, I'm gonna go get the stuff I need, and when I come back, you better have those off." the hairstylist replied. So as she was walking into the backroom, the blonde appempted to take off the headphones.

When the hairstylist returned, she found the blonde sprawled out on the floor. She was dead. The hairstylist picked up the headphones that were laying next to her. There was a voice on the headphones saying:

"Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out."

[thedrifter]

Tip to tip

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body
between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure
from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked
out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of
my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that
would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the
measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em...
he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "Oh..My!", he said,
"where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

[thedrifter]

Bull Dung

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon after, he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

[thedrifter]

7 times

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie.

Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny."

Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

[thedrifter]

Happiness

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

[thedrifter]

Upset Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[thedrifter]

Three men, a few chickens and some cows


A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

[thedrifter]

The brass rat


A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock".

[thedrifter]

A snake and a rabbit


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

[thedrifter]

Fair enough


A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

[thedrifter]

Dog tricks


A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bull****, come!" Bull**** entered and was told to do his stuff. Bull**** immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

[thedrifter]

A Letter to the F.A.A.

Federal Aviation Administration
Washington, D.C.

Gentlemen:

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charbroiled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather, but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snowflakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator, I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line-boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec, they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Departure Control Radar, but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while, but these phenomena sometimes occur, I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport, there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of lightning. I decided that my neighbor would see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of heights, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency, so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain as a taxpayer. Evidently, they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some goddam-stupid-son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful, so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some general with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.

Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.

Very truly yours,



Geoff "Ace" Cross

[thedrifter]

Letter From Camp

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

[thedrifter]

The Letter From God

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned, she told God that yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel, so I can both points of view. God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him that the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good and encourage them and provide something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

(scroll down)


























Oh, so you didn't get one either?

[thedrifter]

A Letter Home

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

[thedrifter]

A Letter Home 2

A college student writes to his parents...

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing
for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for
another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman
who picked this up in the box at the corner. I
wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed
that I could get it back. But it was too late."

.................
.................
.................

A few days later he received a letter from his
father. It said,

"Your prayers were answered.
Your letter never arrived!"

[thedrifter]

Letter to the IRS

H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

[thedrifter]

Letter of Recommendation


Letter of Recommendation -

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.

/s/
Branch Manager

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A second note following the report:

Xxxxxxx was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1,3,5,7,... for my
true assesment of him

Regards,

/s/
Branch Manager

[thedrifter]

Let There Be Light!

Date: Wednesday, 11 October 1995 7:53am CT
To: Al ______
From: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

Al, just wanted to let you know that as I drove up to the building
I noticed the tower lights are out.
Thanks


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Friday, 13 October 1995 3:02pm CT
To: Ken ______
From: Al ______
Subject: Lights

Thanks, I'll pass that along to Chris


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Friday, 13 October 1995 3:09pm CT
To: Chris ______
From: Al ______
CC: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

Check the lights at the __________ building.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Monday, 13 November 1995 6:44am CT
To: Al ______
From: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

Al, I see that the lights are still out.
Thanks


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Monday 13 November 1995 8:42am CT
To: Chris ______
From: Al ______
CC: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

What was done with this?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Monday 13 November 1995 4:06pm CT
To: Al ______
From: Chris ______
CC: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

What "lights" are you referring to? We went out there and
didn't see a problem.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday 14 November 1995 7:42am CT
To: Chris ______
From: Al ______
CC: Ken ______
Subject: Lites

Ken is referring to the lights on the radio tower outside his
building. Please check on this ASAP and get back to Ken.
We need to have a better response time on these kinds of
problems.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday 14 November 1995 8:07am CT
To: Ken ______
From: Chris ______
Subject: Lights

Ken, We never had lights on that tower. It's not tall enough
to need them. That would be the reason for them not working.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday 14 November 1995 1:47pm CT
To: Chris ______
From: Ken ______
Subject: Lights

Even though there are no lights on the tower I see no reason
why they should not work. During this critical period of the
merger we need to make things work even though they do not exist,
since many of the things which DO exist do not work.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tuesday 14 November 1995 2:38pm CT
To: Ken ______
From: Chris ______
Subject: Lights

OK, we'll get right on it.

[thedrifter]

Liam Neeson Signs with Dodgers

LIAM NEESON SIGNS WITH LOS ANGELES DODGERS

The Los Angeles Dodgers today announced that they had signed actor Liam Neeson, who played Qui-Gon Jinn in the Phantom Menace, to a 2 year $90 Million dollar contract. The Dodger management hopes that Neeson will help get the team back on track after a disappointing first half of the season.

Neeson, who was sought out by the Dodgers because of his training as a Jedi Knight, is slated to replace Eric Karros at first base. A spokesman for the Dodgers told BNN, "Neeson's Jedi skills are tailor made for Major League Baseball. Because of his ability to use the 'force' there is no throw that Neeson can't catch. When he is at the plate he wields the bat like a light-saber. His batting average in training has been 1000. But, the thing that excites us the most is his ability to use the Jedi 'mind trick' on the umpires. We've never seen more calls go our way than when Neeson is exerting his influence on their weak minds."

The Dodgers plan to unveil their new first baseman in tonight's game against the Anaheim Angels.

[thedrifter]

The Library

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.

Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods.

Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."

[thedrifter]

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[thedrifter]

Life on Mars


MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.

Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

[thedrifter]

Life Raft


About a year ago, some Boeing employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting the raft out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the craft is inflated.

They are no longer employed there.

[thedrifter]

Light Bulbs


Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong ... Have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

Q: How many object-oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office ...

Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider . . .

Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you'll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don't expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero, well actually one, the one who tells the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

[thedrifter]

Light Bulbs 2

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember?

[thedrifter]

List of Chores

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

[thedrifter]

Listen to This, Version 1


A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out. After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.

"You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I don't understand anything I'm told."

[thedrifter]

Listen to This, Version 2

A man loses his tongue in an accident. A plastic surgeon he consults tells him that tongue transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The man undergoes the operation, and, after examining him, the doctor tells him everything seems to have gone well, and he seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, the man calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.

"You know what you did?" he screams. "You gave me a woman's tongue."

"Well," says the surgeon, "a tongue is a tongue. What's wrong?"

"Are you kidding? I can't stop talking about my feelings, criticizing my wife, bossing her around..."

[thedrifter]

Literacy


The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and noise, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

Why not?" the nun asked.

Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in the ladies restroom, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and cheerful noise again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out down here.
Now, how about that drink?"

[Phantom Blooper]

There are three religious truths:

a.) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b.) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.

c.) Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.

[thedrifter]

Ice Fishing Blondes

A group of blondes are ice fishing, and having no luck. They see a group of brunettes a few yards away who are also ice fishing, and they're pulling up fish after fish. The blondes decide to send a spy over to see how the brunettes are getting all the fish. The blond goes over and watches them for a minute or two, then comes back and says, "We have to cut a hole in the ice!"

[thedrifter]

Crash Course

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said " I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning , but no cause for concern because we have two more engines. The flight will just be delayed by an hour".

After about twenty minutes ,the pilot comes and says" I'm afraid that the second engine has stopped functioning as well , but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more"

A blonde passenger at the back of the flight says angrily " My God! if one more engine stops functioning , we will be stuck here all day"

[thedrifter]

How to Kill A Blonde

One Day, A Blonde walks into a hair salon with headphones on. The Hairstylist said:

"What would you like done today?"

The Blonde Answered..."I want to get my hair permed."

"Well, you're gonna have to remove those headphones first." answered the hairstylist.

"But I can't! My parents said that if I EVER take them off, I'll die!" The Blonde said

"Alright, I'm gonna go get the stuff I need, and when I come back, you better have those off." the hairstylist replied. So as she was walking into the backroom, the blonde appempted to take off the headphones.

When the hairstylist returned, she found the blonde sprawled out on the floor. She was dead. The hairstylist picked up the headphones that were laying next to her. There was a voice on the headphones saying:

"Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out."

[thedrifter]

All The Trees

A blonde had just totaled wrecked her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began, "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

[thedrifter]

Blonde By The Pearly Gates

A blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me ... "

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.

[thedrifter]

Headphones

A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.

The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.

The barber picks up the headphones and listens. "Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out..."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

[thedrifter]

Bill Clinton's Favorite Things

(To the tune of "A Few Of My Favorite Things"
from the Sound of Music) Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things. Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[thedrifter]

An Oral Tale

Here’s a tale from the oval office
Told without rancour or malice
About intern acts
And oral sex
On the presidential phallus.

Bill’s dick was out of its stable
With Monica willing and able
To meet and greet
That piece of meat
Beneath a White House table.

Matters of state were delayed
As he wanted a little quick head
But after one slick lick
On the end of his dick
He came on her blue dress instead.

Said Monica "This is really a pain
For you’ve gone and left a big stain
But no way will I wash it
I’ll keep it and stash it
For someday I may need it again."

Said Bill "I hope that no-one has seen us
With you going down on my penis
For no one must know
That you gave me a blow
So we’ll keep this thing strictly between us."

But after making so messy a slip
Between Bill’s dick and her lip
Monica felt a need to confess
About the stain on her dress
To the loathsome Linda Tripp.

To her cost poor Monica found
That Linda was wired up for sound
She had her tape running
For the tale of Bill’s cuming
And that’s how the word got around.

Then Tripp told that fellow Ken Starr
Who wanted Bill’s Balls in a jar
And he created a dinsky
That made Miss Lewinsky
Hand that dress into the bar.

This guy Starr will not rest
And the Feds are doing their best
To see if that spot
Is Bill’s cum or not
By running a DNA test.

Poor Bill feels a bit of a twit
About all that Lewinsky bit
For by being immoral
And indulging in oral
He’s landed himself in the ****.

You’ll remember Bill’s pot-smoking tale
And this time he’ll surely not fail
To say ejaculations
Aren’t sexual relations
Because Monica didn’t inhale.

[thedrifter]

Johnnie Cochran On Bill

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs Bill Clinton:

* If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess!

* The economy's great, let the white boy skate!

* If the ***** didn't spit, you must aquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it's not illegal!

* Lewinsky's a *****, and Bill's better than Gore!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life!

* Bill won't tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr's proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral!

[thedrifter]

State Of The Union

The State of the Union Address that President Clinton should have given:

Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,

smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,

evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God Bless America. Thank you!

[thedrifter]

A President In Love

To the tune of Dion's "A Teenager in Love" Last night we had a quarrel
Over a cute little tart
'Cause I lost my head
From the very start. Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! One day I loved old Hillary
Next day I was a cad
Guess I'm just a rake
A fun lovin' happy lad. Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! The dress was smeared
The blouse was too
I'll be a happy man
If Monica says I do. Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! If you wanna have sex with me
I'd like to do it too
And if you want to tell a lie
I'll just go and pardon you. Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

[thedrifter]

The chauffeur


One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

[thedrifter]

Come early and bring your lunch


A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."

"Remember, this is a friendly community."

[thedrifter]

Cold fart


There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

[thedrifter]

Double charges


A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[thedrifter]

Safe and sound


A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. "Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

[thedrifter]

Literature Class


On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.

The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.

Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "

The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

[thedrifter]

The Little Dog

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!".

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to . . . retail spirits after hours!"

----------------------

Go ahead, groan. It's worth a groan.

[thedrifter]

Little League Game

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

[thedrifter]

Little League Parents


At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."

[thedrifter]

Live to 100?


When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm more tired and I'm slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

[thedrifter]

Local Crime

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

[thedrifter]

Local Garage


The following sign hangs in a local garage:

AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST

Ping-Ping-Ping .....$ 35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk ...$ 50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk ...$ 125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud ....$ 200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank ...$ 325.00

[thedrifter]

Location, Location, Location

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[thedrifter]

Locked Out


One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.

"You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

[thedrifter]

Logic Class

A college student was in a Philsophy class, where a class discussion about whether or not God exists was in progress. The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the 3rd time, he simply stated, "Then there is no GOD."

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

The student received an "A" in the class.

[thedrifter]

London Weather

Sue arrives in London on a rainy day. She wakes up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. And the day after that.

Going out to lunch, she sees a young child and, out of despair, asks, "Hey kid! Does it ever stop raining around here?"

The child replies, "How should I know? I'm only 8."

[thedrifter]

Long Happy Life


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

[thedrifter]

Long Life

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."

[thedrifter]

Long Lunch


The Boss asked one worker, "What time did you get back from lunch?"

The employee said, "About a quarter of twelve."

The Boss said, "I saw you coming in at 3 o'clock."

"Well", responded the worker, "Three is a quarter of twelve, isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

The Long Sermon

A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

[thedrifter]

What is Easter?

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were all in a terrible car accident, and all died tragically. At the gates of Heaven, they were met by St. Peter, who said to them:

"Ok, I'll ask you each one question, and if you answer correctly, you may enter the gates of Heaven."

First, he asked the brunette: "What is Easter?" She answered: "Oh, it's when people get a big tree and decorate it and exchange gifts!" "No." St. Peter answered, rather disappointed.

Next, he asked the redhead: "What is Easter?" "Oh, it's when people get all dressed-up and go door to door 'trick or treating'!" She answered. St. Peter sighed, "No." By this time, he was very discouraged, and when he saw that the blonde was the only one left, he was positive she wouldn't know, but he asked anyway:

"What is Easter?" Confident, she began: "It is a celebration of the man who died on the cross after going up a large hill, carrying his cross, and stumbling three times..."

"You're right!" St. Peter was overjoyed, but the blonde continued: "And when he finally died they laid him in a tomb..." "No, no, that's quite enough, dear, you are correct!" St. Peter exclaimed happily, but the blonde persisted: "And every year, he comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

[thedrifter]

Alaskan Fishing Blondes

Three bronzed Alaskan blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game warden, "Take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Why do blondes flock around the Police sharpshooters?
They heard sharpshooters have a reputation for being excellent crack shots.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

[thedrifter]

Paper Or Plastic

Last week, I was grocery shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde woman right ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the grocery bagger courteously asked the blonde woman, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bi-sacksual."

[thedrifter]

Oh Baby

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes; yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

[thedrifter]

Lion's Club

Joe went to the restaurant where the Lion's Club meets every week, sat down and prepared to have a nice lunch and listen to today's speaker.

All of a sudden, the host of the lunch came up to him and said "Joe, you have to make a speech today."

Joe says, "Are you nuts? Where is the scheduled speaker?"

The host replies, "He backed out at the last minute and now I have no speaker. You have to do it."

Joe answers, "You're crazy. What would I speak about?"

The host says, "Anything, anything at all."

Joe squares his shoulders and straightens his tie and says, "All right - I'll talk about sex."

After the meeting, everyone complimented Joe on his speech. They thought it was very good. Joe goes home that evening and says to his wife, "Honey, guess what? I made a speech at the Lion's Club meeting and everyone thought it was great."

"What was the speech about, dear?" his wife asks.

Joe, looking down at his feet, replies "uh, it was about ... s s s sailing!"

The next day, Joe's wife was downtown shopping and happened to run into the local bank manager. He comes up to her and states "You ought to be very proud of your husband. He made a fantastic speech at the luncheon yesterday!"

She replied, "You know, he told me that, but I don't understand it! He's only done it twice -- the first time he got sick and the second time his hat blew off!"

[thedrifter]

You’ll be fine

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[thedrifter]

Specialized

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."

[thedrifter]

Never let him see you in the nude

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[thedrifter]

Glass Bowl with water and condom

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

[thedrifter]

As my Savior


A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

[thedrifter]

The National Institutes of Health


The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

[thedrifter]

Dog tricks


A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bull****, come!" Bull**** entered and was told to do his stuff. Bull**** immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

[thedrifter]

Appeal in heaven


An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

[thedrifter]

Fair enough


A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

[thedrifter]

Special treatment


Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

[Phantom Blooper]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the
Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and
watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.


"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Yankees.


"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.




They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their
respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and
close the door.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,
please."


The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.




The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the
return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners
don't buy any ticket at all.


"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Yankee.


"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.


When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into
a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the
way.


Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves
their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Phantom Blooper]

-------Original Message-------

From: DAVID WAKEFIELD
Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2004 6:00:35 PM
To: karen; yvonne; bigdaddy
Subject: Fw: Wild West



-------Original Message-------

From: viola medina
Date: 02/17/04 10:34:55
To: scrollman@zianet.com
Subject: Fw: Wild West



-------Original Message-------

From: Viola Date: 02/17/04 22:22:46
Subject: Wild West







In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted
more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he
wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing
wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly
man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest
gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to
the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his
great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down
on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin'
the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your a** and it won't
hurt as much."









:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A three year old boy in his bath examined his

testicles and asked,

"Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

[Phantom Blooper]

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee...."I just can't see my a** coming to work today."
:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two little girls were sitting in the lunchroom of a Hollywood Elementary School when one excitedly said to the other, "Guess what! My mommy is getting married again, so I'm going to have a new daddy." "Really? Who is she going to marry?" asked the other girl. "Robert Wimbly," the first girl replied. "He's a famous screen writer." "Oh, you're really going to like him a lot," said the second girl, smiling. "How do you know?" the first girl asked. "He was my daddy last year," the second girl responded.

[thedrifter]

A Long Walk

One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.

When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner, watching television.

He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.

[thedrifter]

Look Natural

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

[Phantom Blooper]

The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house .......and left it there all night.
:) :devious:

[thedrifter]

Looking Natural


The other night, my wife and I were getting dressed before going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

[thedrifter]

Looking for Lucille


One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

[thedrifter]

Looking for Work


Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

[thedrifter]

The Lord's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

[thedrifter]

Losing Weight


"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

[thedrifter]

Lost & Found


As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

[thedrifter]

Lost in Canada

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.

Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

[thedrifter]

Lost in the Supermarket


A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[thedrifter]

Lost Weight

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

[thedrifter]

Lottery Winner


I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery.

Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.

He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

[thedrifter]

The Love Boat


Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

[thedrifter]

Loving Spouse


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, "He said that you're going to die."

[thedrifter]

Lucky Number 5


A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

[thedrifter]

Lumberjack Wanted


A large, well-established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.

"Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

[thedrifter]

Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[usmc4669]

perfect breasts A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again:"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to revealthe most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:

"Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

[thedrifter]

M&M Genetics


Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

[thedrifter]

"M" is for .....


Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

[thedrifter]

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[thedrifter]

Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

[thedrifter]

Magnetic Letters

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: CAT, DOG, DAD, and MOM have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that the Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell ZILLA?"

[thedrifter]

Mail Call


During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked.

"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.

"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.

Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!"

The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.

[thedrifter]

Mail Order


An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a mail order house: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

[thedrifter]

Mail Processing at the USPS

During a hectic night of mail processing at the post office, a number of letters fell off an elevated conveyor belt and scattered onto the floor. Before the area supervisor had a chance to pick them up, the facility manager, who had a reputation for being stern, came upon the scene.

"Why is this mail on the floor?" he demanded angrily.

Without hesitation the supervisor replied, "Gravity, sir."

[thedrifter]

Maine Veterinarian


Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

[thedrifter]

Maine Winters

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

[thedrifter]

Major League Baseball Sued

BASEBALL STADIUMS ORDERED TO STOP SELLING PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Attorneys representing all 18 Americans who suffer from peanut allergies have secured a Federal court injunction against the sale of peanuts and Cracker Jacks at all Major League Baseball stadiums. Said one of the attorneys, "People who suffer from this allergy have never been able to attend a baseball game because of the potential exposure to lethal peanut levels. MLB owners have been insensitive and uncaring to these people. But, thanks to this court injunction MLB owners are being forced to do the right thing. From this day forward peanuts and Cracker Jacks will be banned from baseball."

Attorneys for Major League Baseball unsuccessfully argued that peanuts and Cracker Jacks are an indispensable part of the Great American Past-Time. However, the judge was unmoved by this line of argumentation and not only issued the injunction but also ordered all references to peanuts and Cracker Jacks be removed from the song "Take Me Out to The Ball Game."

Major League Baseball plans to appeal the injunction. The appeals process could take several years. In the meantime MLB owners have decided to sell Sunflower seeds instead. However, attorneys representing the 4 Americans who suffer from Sunflower seed allergies have threatened to take MLB to court to block this decision.

[thedrifter]

Making Babies

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

[thedrifter]

Making a Will

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

[thedrifter]

Making Up for Lost Time


An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"

[thedrifter]

Management Review of Writing Style

Question: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!

Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!

FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.

[Phantom Blooper]

A good old boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:"Now, 'Hon', why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house and your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

[Phantom Blooper]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life
with the now deceased prince, she wistfully sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon,out of nowhere, her fairy godmother
appeared.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing
here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived
an exemplary life since I last visited with you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I
can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young
visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her
that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy
godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the
corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my
old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so handsome the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the
fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked
into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless,
gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man
she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
on her new throne and held her close in his young
muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden
hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........
"I'll BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME!"

[thedrifter]

One Liners

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

[thedrifter]

Porno Shop

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it alone.

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

He answers, "$35."

She says, "How much for the black one?"

He says, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She says, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?" He says, "$35."

She says, "How much for the white one?"

He says, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She says, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He says, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She says, "How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He says, "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.

[thedrifter]

Horses

There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart.

She went to her neighbor and asked if he had any ideas to help her. The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.

She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence. Now the blonde had a problem cuz she couldnt tell the horses apart again.

So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears. The blond thanked her neighbor again and went home.

Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse go its ear caught in the fence. Now the blond was stuck.

So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses. The blond thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out, that the black horse is two inches taller then the white horse.

[thedrifter]

One Liners

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A mobile sperm bank.

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

[thedrifter]

Don Juan

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "But I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world."

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

[thedrifter]

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Friend,

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, D. C. The committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington,who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the people of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally,
Bill Clinton Statue Committee

[thedrifter]

Top Cigar Ad Slogans

*These aren't your father's cigars ... or your mother's, for that matter.

*When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?

*Because size really does matter.

*The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.

*Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.

*The "fun-to-put-in" carcinogen!

*New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms)

*After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'.

*Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

*Won't leave a mess all over her dress!

*All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar...with the pungent aroma of a tuna canning factory!

*These won't go floppy in your mouth.

*The best thing you'll ever find in a box.

*Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!

*Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more.

*Batteries not included.

[thedrifter]

The Shady Bunch

(To the tune of "The Brady Bunch")

Here's the story,
of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had her man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.

It's the story, of a man Slick Willie,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.

Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times he was her lunch.
Then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.

The Shady Bunch.......
The Shady Bunch.......
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!

[thedrifter]

Changes At The White House Since The Clinton's Got A Puppy

*Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.

*New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out for a midnight run to McDonald's.

*At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad boy."

*President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.

*Even more silly photo opportunities for the President on the White House lawn.

*New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

*Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading "Bil luvs Monika!"

*Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.

*Chelsea now has to share her room with more popular sibling when she comes home from school.

*Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

*Roger Clinton no longer is the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

*Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.

*To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.

*"Get that horny fur ball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.