Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 27 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Veterans

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 07:38 PM

THE SUPER BOWL

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in
the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear
Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows

off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance
and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is

anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such
a
great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him,
"This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at
the
Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to

come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone

to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 07:42 PM

Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while
it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it
absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half
and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,eating
it anyway.

Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.
Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year.

Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
Women of today: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using
latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip.... And my personal favorite--

Ladies of days gone by: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze
into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Women of today: Leftover wine??

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 09:29 PM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his

BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the

Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical

Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing

pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the

attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to

pick up the nozzle. . As he does so, two tees fall

out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?"

inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving,"

says Tiger.

Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of

everything."

Kalbo

01-25-04, 11:04 PM

How much does a knighthood cost?

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:43 AM

Allergic

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

"Okay sure. I'll be right back."

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

"Why did you do that?" asked the boyfriend.

She replies "Because I'm allergic to chocolate."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:44 AM

Final Examination

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within
half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it
out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my
answers."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:44 AM

Breast stroke competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:45 AM

Sick and tired

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing
a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:45 AM

Jigsaw

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a
problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together,
and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets
to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Paddy" He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him
the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "Murphy you
idiot, put the Cornflakes back in the packet."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:47 AM

Keys

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:49 AM

Mother passed away

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."If you need anything, just let
me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:49 AM

Green Side Up

One day a woman decided to have all the rooms in her house painted, so she called a painter to come over and give her an estimate on how much it would cost. The painter arrived, and the woman brought him into the dining room.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Green," the woman replied. The painter nodded and wrote something down on his notepad. Then he went over to the nearest open window and yelled out, "Green side up!"
The woman thought this was odd but continued on to the kitchen.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Yellow," the woman replied. Again, the man nodded, wrote something down on his notepad, and went over to the nearest open window.
"Green side up!" he yelled.
The woman was puzzled, but figured that he was a professional, so she shouldn't question him. The whole tour continued like this; the woman becoming more & more suspicious each room they went through that the painter leaned out the open window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Finally they were finished and the woman couldn't stand it any longer. She asked the painter,
" Why did you yell 'Green side up' out the window every time I told you what color I wanted the rooms painted? I don't want every room painted green!"
The painter laughed.
"I know. I wrote down the colors you wanted your rooms to be painted. But I had to keep yelling 'Green side up' out the windows because I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:49 AM

Emergency Repair Kit

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:50 AM

Confession Before Marriage

An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that).
They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.
"Ginger, darling." he says. "I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time."
Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well.
"That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker."
"Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:50 AM

Bee Sting

A woman was playing golf one afternoon when she sliced into some high grass.
When she went to look for her ball, she was stung by a bee. Realizing the possibilities of an adverse reaction, she quickly ran back to the clubhouse.
Running up to several men who were standing near the clubhouse, she frantically shouted, "Is anyone here a Doctor? I've been stung by a bee !!!
One of the men said, "I'm a doctor, where did you get stung? Rather confused by the question, she said "Between the first and second hole !!!
What do you suggest?" The doctor promply replied, "I suggest that next time, keep your legs crossed !!!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:51 AM

Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:51 AM

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Washington Foreskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

thedrifter

01-26-04, 07:52 AM

At A Fancy Resort Hotel...

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two.
"Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with." answered a very polite clerk.
"How much is that going to cost me" the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. "Nothing, this is on the room."
The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone.
"Not so good" the man answers, "in fact I lost 5 balls."
"Well" says the pro, "that will be $5000.00 sir."
"What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?"
"Well'' the pro says "you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls."

Phantom Blooper

01-26-04, 08:27 AM

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:12 AM

Blonde knitter

While cruising the Interstate, the state trooper passed a blond knitting while driving.

The Trooper decided to stop the blonde driver and rolled down his passenger side window.

He pulled up beside the blond driver and shouted "Pull Over" !!!

The distraught blonde looked, and said, Nah, duh, just a scarf...

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:13 AM

Lost in snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a snowplow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, so now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:13 AM

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:14 AM

A lot to live for

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:14 AM

First camping trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:14 AM

The Runaways

This brunette and blonde came out of their house and got into their car. The brunette sits on the driver side and the blonde sits on the passenger side.

"If you see any cops around tell, me." said the brunette. The blonde agreed.

Then the brunette asked, "Is there any police around?" The blonde says "yes"

"Are they close?" the brunette asked.

"Yes" replied the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

"Yes" "no" "yes" "no" "yes"

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:15 AM

Dinner with Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."
Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:15 AM

Spelling bee

A spelling bee was held in Washington D.C. among all interested politicians. The contest was competitive, until finally there were three contestants remaining. Those still in competition were President Clinton, former United States Senator Bob Packwood, and former Vice-President Dan Quayle. After a series of correct responses by each, Quayle was finally able to prevail over his opposition. He was the only one that knew that 'harass' was only one word.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:16 AM

Baseball game

Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:16 AM

Euroenglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:16 AM

Cops

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:17 AM

Application To Become A Green Bay (Fudge)Packers Fan

Name ___________________________
CB Handle _______________________

Neck Shade:
_____ Light Red
_____ Medium Red
_____ Dark Red

Number of Teeth in exposed full grin: (Neither can exceed 3)
Upper _____
Lower _____

Mobile Home Color:
_____ Two-Tone, Brown and White
_____ Two-Tone, Pink and White
_____ Faded Green

Model of Pickup Truck:____________________
Size of Tires: ______________________
Length of Right Leg: ________________
Length of Left Leg ________________

Note: To be accepted, you must be honest, and you must be able to check at least 20 items from the questions below. Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for some of the questions.

I am in love with:
___ My Right Hand
___ My Left Hand
___ Both Hands
My favorite music is:
___ Country
___ Western
___ Anything played on an accordion
My favorite meal is:
___ Head Cheese and Old Milwaukee
___ Venison Sausage & Old Milwaukee
___ Cheese Curd & Old Milwaukee
___ Pickled Pigs' Feet
___ 7 Courses: Brat & Six-Pack
___ $5.99 Fish Fry
Preferred Weapon:
___ 12 Guage
___ Tire Iron
___ Forehead
___ Chain Saw
___ Ice Auger
Primary Auto:
___ '67 Ford Galaxy
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission and '71 Buick Wagon Engine
I usually greet people by saying:
___ Ya Hey Dere
___ Dem Packers is playing like a bunch of Old Women
___ Dey should take da whole bunch a dem Madison liberals and just linem up and shootem
I can count to:
___ 10
___ 20, if I take off my boots
___ 21, if I get neked
I am:
___ Gay
___ Just willing to learn
Favorite Reading:
___ Fishing Facts
___ Beer Bottle Labels
___ Guns and Ammo
___ Today's Mercenary
___ Polka Digest
Things in my front yard:
___ Various Kitchen Appliances
___ Car on Blocks
___ Transmissions
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (in-season)
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (out of season)
My favorite female in the world is:
___ My Sister
___ Mo Mother
___ Both, because my sister is my mother
I mostly wear:
___ Polyester pants with snags
___ Polyester pants with holes
___ Green Bay Belt Buckle
The most memorable event I ever attended:
___ Minocqua Moose call competition
___ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
___ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
___ Carp Queen Beauty Contest
___ Spread Eagle International proctologists Convention
My favorite entertainment is:
___ Deer hunting while drinking
___ Watching Green Acres reruns while drinking
___ Snowmobiling while drinking
Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this
___ Someone is reading this for me

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:18 AM

Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About Television

When you try to fondle woman you see on TV, you bust the screen
Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids
Why doesn't the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan's ear?
If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, "I want that!" it doesn't instantly materialize before you
CBS rejected his idea for new show: "Cold Cocked By An Angel"
"Martha Stewart Living" only an hour long
This guy (video clip of "Rent-A-Friend" guy from Dave's Video Collection)
"Hollywood Squares" is back on TV and my phone has not rung once
I'm told I can "Win Ben Stein's Money" when I'd much prefer to "Kick Ben Stein's Ass"
Thought "Beverly Hills 90210" was the name of new female inmate

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:18 AM

Amazing Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''
His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''
The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''
The man replies, ``I found it.''

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:19 AM

Golf Rules

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Palm trees eat golf balls.

Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

All 3-woods are domon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:19 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

1. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
2. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
3. They keep shouting "Do over!"
4. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
5. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
6. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
7. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
8. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
9. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
10. They play like the Mets

thedrifter

01-27-04, 07:19 AM

What's wrong?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 07:48 AM

A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to
have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the
covers, she tells her husband,
"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man."
The husband thinks for a second and says,
"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But
can I ask who the guy was?"
She fidgets for a minute, then says,
"Tiger Woods."
Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,
"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to
sleep with him."
So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets
up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,
"What are you doing?"
He tells her, "I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want
anything?"
"Tiger wouldn't have done that," she says.
"Oh really? What would Tiger have done," he asks.
"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time."
So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes
love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of
bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,
"What are you doing?"
"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry," he
replies.
"Tiger wouldn't have done that," she again tells him.
"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?"
"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time," she
says.
So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time.
After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.
"Calling room service again?" she asks.
"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what par is for this damn hole!!"

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 06:48 PM

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the tree in Hawaii and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the tree in California when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 09:03 PM

A Brass what?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of canon balls near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square
based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with
16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made of iron,
the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the
brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression,
didn't you?

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:43 AM

57 Chevy

This here's a story about Josh and his 57 Chevy. Now, his Chevy wasn't licensed but Josh used to drive it on the back roads around his farm.

Well, one day last summer, the old car broke down a mile from home...with a busted axle. Now Josh, he was kinda on the tight side when it came to money. He could have called a towing truck but nope, not Josh. Instead, he brought the car back home piece by piece. He figured, once he got all the pieces home, he'd reassemble them in the barn.

First came the 4 tires...and the spare. Then the hood and the bumpers. Then he brought back one of the doors. That particular day it was really hot.

"Josh" his neighbor said, "I know you don't want to spend the money on a tow truck. But don't you at least find it too hot to be carrying a car door all that distance."

Josh, "No, can't say I do.....got the window rolled down."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:45 AM

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:46 AM

Nude sunbathing

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:47 AM

Buck night

Q: Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?

.

.

.

.

A: Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:47 AM

Two brain cells

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

.

.

.

.

A: Pregnant.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:48 AM

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:49 AM

Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:49 AM

Give an example of tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offersthat, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful!" Winston beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:50 AM

A Real Disastrous Shot

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.
"This your ball?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, I think it is."
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."
"Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?" The policeman replied,
"Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:50 AM

Supplemental Rules For Bowling

1. If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

2. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

3. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

4. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

5. After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

6. If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

7. A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:50 AM

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lenght to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the formed bunkers.

8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

9. Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing when they consider it to be a private course.

10. Players are coutioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back side.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner' request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.

17. Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:51 AM

A Golfer's Nightmare

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.
And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.
Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,
"Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:51 AM

At The Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:52 AM

The sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:42 PM

from our girl Cas.....

This is a joke that should bring you luck.
>
> An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
> purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted
> on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had
a
> lot of money.
>
> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
> right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
>
> The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
> She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
> president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save
so
> much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>
> The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
>
> The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
> testicles
are
> square."
>
> The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
> impossible to win a bet like that.
>
> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
> said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
>
> "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
> testicles are not square."
>
> "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
> involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow
>
> morning with my lawyer as a witness."
>
> "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
spent
> a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
> them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
> was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
> reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
> the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
> bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
>
> The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
the
> day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc.
so
> that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
>
> The president was happy to oblige.
>
> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
> president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
> "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>
> The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president
> noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He
> asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh,
> it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
the
> morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank
of
> Canada!"
>
> The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to
everyone
> to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain
> would definitely be unlucky.
>
> Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to
> five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good
will
> happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken,
you
> will have good luck during the four days.
>
> Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
>
> If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good
luck
> for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within
the
> next 4 days.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:43 PM

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then the first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the second, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:44 PM

Late Wedding Gift

Five years after my wife and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

She wasn't amused, but did think the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:44 PM

The Latest Medicines (1998)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Inc. is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
(Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days.
Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:45 PM

Latest Mergers

Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine-All-Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell-Honeychild.

3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3-Penney-Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott-NOW!

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:45 PM

Lawnyer

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.

As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 05:46 PM

Laws of Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

ese4mc

01-28-04, 06:37 PM

Fw: Why do we work?

Never looked at it this way.

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.
AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
AT WORK - you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat. And
probably need a key to get in.

IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK - they are called managers.

So - why is it again that you work???

ese4mc

01-28-04, 06:42 PM

America's smartest woman]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 > > parachutes. > > The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; > > the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left > > the plane. > > > > > > The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US > > President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the > > smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to > > die," and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.. > > > > > > The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United > > States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a > > superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. > > > > > > The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old > > schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a > > Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." > > > > > > The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's > > smartest woman took my schoolbag." > > > >

Phantom Blooper

01-28-04, 07:11 PM

How Marines handle kids:

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around
him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen
slowly walking up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down, motioning toward his
chest, and whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly
fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous
applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve and asks quietly, "Excuse me, sir, but could
I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle
me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Phantom Blooper

01-28-04, 07:13 PM

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our
own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make
you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it
has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO
WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:26 AM

Blonde's eyes

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

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A: The back of her head.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:26 AM

Car wash

At a car wash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blonde woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "Who ripped off my car phone?!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:27 AM

Cheerios

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

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A: "Oh, look! Donut seeds!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:27 AM

Blinker light

Q: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?

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A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off...

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:28 AM

May I buy this tv?

This one blonde went to a store and said to the cashier, "May I buy this TV?" The cashier replied, "No, I don't sell to blondes." So the next day she dyed her hair brown and went back to the store.

"May I buy this TV?" she asked the same cashier that was working the day before. "I told you," he said, "I don't sell to blondes."

"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asked. He said, "Because that's a microwave."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:29 AM

Souvenirs

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."

"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."

"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"

"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."

"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."

The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:29 AM

Dave Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Names For Ross Perot's Political Party

10. The Rosstafarians

9. United We're Nuts

8. The Dork-O-Crats

7. Wacky Ass Billionaires

6.The "You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party" Party

5.The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends

4. Yankee Doodle Psychos

3. El Party De Nutjobs

2. Shorty And The Blowfish

1. The Hair Club For Geeks

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:29 AM

Bad smellin' teepee

Two Indians, Running Bear and Little Beaver went to the outhouse teepee, situated on the edge of a cliff. After using the outhouse teepee, they went back to the village. The next day, they again went to the outhouse teepee. Running Bear said, "Terrible, terrible, the outhouse teepee smells to high heaven! What should we do? We can't ever use it smelling like that!" Little Beaver suggested, "Why don't we just push the outhouse teepee over the cliff, and go build another one?" They both agreed and pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff.

A few days later, the chief of the tribe called a pow wow. He asked," Who threw the outhouse teepee over the cliff?" No one answered. He then told this story.

When George Washington was a little boy, his father asked, "Who chopped down the cherry tree?" Little boy George Washington answered, "It was I father."

His father was so pleased with the answer, that he rewarded Little George Washington, and later in life, he became the Great leader of his nation.

"Now again, I ask, who pushed over the outhouse teepee?" Little Beaver said, It was I that pushed over the outhouse teepee, thinking he would get a reward. In that moment, the Chief jumped on Little Beaver and severely beat him. He ended up in the hospital.

A month later, the Chief was visiting the hospital, and came across Little Beaver. Little beaver asked," Chief, how come you beat me up?"

The Chief answered, "George Washington's father wasn't in the Cherry Tree!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:30 AM

Clocks in Heaven

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here".

Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.

The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.

They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, " I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"

Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:30 AM

Smart politicians

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"
"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.
"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".
"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:31 AM

Busload of politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:32 AM

Reasons Why A Normal Car Is A Far Superior Vehicle Than A F1 Car

"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"

1. No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!

2. No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.

3. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.

4. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.

5. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.

6. No ashtrays and electric lighter...

7. No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain ?

8. No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.

9. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass ?

10. No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.

11. Only one brake light...

12. Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in ?

13. No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?

14. No trunk...

15. No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)

16. High fuel consumption...

17. Engines that don't last... (mine is still going after 230 000 KM!)

18. Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...

19. Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.

20. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:32 AM

A Bad Slice

A fellow was out golfing when he made an unfortunate hook shot that landed in a bed a flowers planted along the edge of the fairway. Gingerly tip-toeing his way through the flowers to retreive his ball, he bent down to pick it up.
Feeling the presence of someone else, he slowly turned around to see Mother Nature standing behind him. Smiling, She said "I couldn't help but notice how careful you are to retreive your golfball without injuring my buttercups - my precious little buttercups. I want to reward you - I'll give you all the butter you could want for the next year."
The golfer looked at Her and without hesitation, said "And where the hell were you when I sliced it into the pussywillows ?!!

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:33 AM

Things To Do At A Bowling Alley

1. Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
2. When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
3. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
4. Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
5. Wear Golf Shoes.
6. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
7. Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
8. Play bocci with extra lane balls
9. Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
10. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
11. Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
12. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
13. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
14. Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
15. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
16. Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
17. Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
18. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
19. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
20. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
21. Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
22. Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
23. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
24. Rent all the shoes, eat them
25. Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
26. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
27. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
28. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
29. Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
30. SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
31. Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
32. Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
33. Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
34. Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
35. Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
36. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
37. Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
38. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
39. Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 05:33 AM

An Illusion

Seems this man was stranded on an island for 11 years...well one day he was sitting on the beach when this very lovely lady came swimming up, she had on a wet suit that was gripping her body.... she looked at the man, and asked how long he had been here....when he said 11 years, she asked if he had smoked any....he said no....she then opened a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it and gave it to him.....she then asked when was the last time he had a drink.....he said 11 years....so she pulled a flask out of another pocket and gave him a drink.....the young lady then got a really sexy look on her face and asked when was the last time the had played around.... the fellow grinned and said 11 years....at the point the young lady started to unzip her wet suit .......the man got so excited he responded with
"OH MY GOD YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A SET OF GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!!!!!"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:37 AM

Hair up

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

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A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:37 AM

Medicine cabinet

Q: Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

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A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:38 AM

Chicken baking

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days?

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A: The recipe said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:38 AM

Shoulder pads

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

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A: To protect their head when saying `I don't know` (head bobbing from side to side)

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:38 AM

911

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

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A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:39 AM

Identify yourself

A blonde walks into a bank and stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said handing it over.

The clerk examined the check, then said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over. Then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag, produced a mirror, glanced in it, and with a relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 06:39 AM

New Car Radio

A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates:

"Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"*******!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."