Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 27 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 08:38 PM

THE SUPER BOWL

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in
the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear
Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows

off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance
and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is

anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such
a
great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him,
"This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at
the
Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to

come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone

to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 08:42 PM

Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while
it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it
absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half
and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up,eating
it anyway.

Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.
Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year.

Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
Women of today: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using
latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip.... And my personal favorite--

Ladies of days gone by: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze
into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Women of today: Leftover wine??

Phantom Blooper

01-25-04, 10:29 PM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his

BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the

Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical

Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing

pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the

attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to

pick up the nozzle. . As he does so, two tees fall

out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?"

inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving,"

says Tiger.

Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of

everything."

Kalbo

01-26-04, 12:04 AM

How much does a knighthood cost?

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:43 AM

Allergic

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

"Okay sure. I'll be right back."

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

"Why did you do that?" asked the boyfriend.

She replies "Because I'm allergic to chocolate."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:44 AM

Final Examination

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within
half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it
out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my
answers."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:44 AM

Breast stroke competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:45 AM

Sick and tired

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing
a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:45 AM

Jigsaw

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a
problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together,
and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets
to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Paddy" He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him
the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "Murphy you
idiot, put the Cornflakes back in the packet."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:47 AM

Keys

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:49 AM

Mother passed away

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."If you need anything, just let
me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:49 AM

Green Side Up

One day a woman decided to have all the rooms in her house painted, so she called a painter to come over and give her an estimate on how much it would cost. The painter arrived, and the woman brought him into the dining room.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Green," the woman replied. The painter nodded and wrote something down on his notepad. Then he went over to the nearest open window and yelled out, "Green side up!"
The woman thought this was odd but continued on to the kitchen.
"What color would you like this room painted?" he asked.
"Yellow," the woman replied. Again, the man nodded, wrote something down on his notepad, and went over to the nearest open window.
"Green side up!" he yelled.
The woman was puzzled, but figured that he was a professional, so she shouldn't question him. The whole tour continued like this; the woman becoming more & more suspicious each room they went through that the painter leaned out the open window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Finally they were finished and the woman couldn't stand it any longer. She asked the painter,
" Why did you yell 'Green side up' out the window every time I told you what color I wanted the rooms painted? I don't want every room painted green!"
The painter laughed.
"I know. I wrote down the colors you wanted your rooms to be painted. But I had to keep yelling 'Green side up' out the windows because I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:49 AM

Emergency Repair Kit

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:50 AM

Confession Before Marriage

An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that).
They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.
"Ginger, darling." he says. "I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time."
Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well.
"That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker."
"Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem."

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:50 AM

Bee Sting

A woman was playing golf one afternoon when she sliced into some high grass.
When she went to look for her ball, she was stung by a bee. Realizing the possibilities of an adverse reaction, she quickly ran back to the clubhouse.
Running up to several men who were standing near the clubhouse, she frantically shouted, "Is anyone here a Doctor? I've been stung by a bee !!!
One of the men said, "I'm a doctor, where did you get stung? Rather confused by the question, she said "Between the first and second hole !!!
What do you suggest?" The doctor promply replied, "I suggest that next time, keep your legs crossed !!!"

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:51 AM

Snowboarding Lessons

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:51 AM

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:

Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets

NFC West:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:

Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Washington Foreskins

Expansion Teams:

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

thedrifter

01-26-04, 08:52 AM

At A Fancy Resort Hotel...

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two.
"Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with." answered a very polite clerk.
"How much is that going to cost me" the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. "Nothing, this is on the room."
The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone.
"Not so good" the man answers, "in fact I lost 5 balls."
"Well" says the pro, "that will be $5000.00 sir."
"What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?"
"Well'' the pro says "you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls."

Phantom Blooper

01-26-04, 09:27 AM

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:12 AM

Blonde knitter

While cruising the Interstate, the state trooper passed a blond knitting while driving.

The Trooper decided to stop the blonde driver and rolled down his passenger side window.

He pulled up beside the blond driver and shouted "Pull Over" !!!

The distraught blonde looked, and said, Nah, duh, just a scarf...

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:13 AM

Lost in snowstorm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a snowplow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, so now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:13 AM

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:14 AM

A lot to live for

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:14 AM

First camping trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:14 AM

The Runaways

This brunette and blonde came out of their house and got into their car. The brunette sits on the driver side and the blonde sits on the passenger side.

"If you see any cops around tell, me." said the brunette. The blonde agreed.

Then the brunette asked, "Is there any police around?" The blonde says "yes"

"Are they close?" the brunette asked.

"Yes" replied the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

"Yes" "no" "yes" "no" "yes"

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:15 AM

Dinner with Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."
Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:15 AM

Spelling bee

A spelling bee was held in Washington D.C. among all interested politicians. The contest was competitive, until finally there were three contestants remaining. Those still in competition were President Clinton, former United States Senator Bob Packwood, and former Vice-President Dan Quayle. After a series of correct responses by each, Quayle was finally able to prevail over his opposition. He was the only one that knew that 'harass' was only one word.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:16 AM

Baseball game

Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:16 AM

Euroenglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:16 AM

Cops

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:17 AM

Application To Become A Green Bay (Fudge)Packers Fan

Name ___________________________
CB Handle _______________________

Neck Shade:
_____ Light Red
_____ Medium Red
_____ Dark Red

Number of Teeth in exposed full grin: (Neither can exceed 3)
Upper _____
Lower _____

Mobile Home Color:
_____ Two-Tone, Brown and White
_____ Two-Tone, Pink and White
_____ Faded Green

Model of Pickup Truck:____________________
Size of Tires: ______________________
Length of Right Leg: ________________
Length of Left Leg ________________

Note: To be accepted, you must be honest, and you must be able to check at least 20 items from the questions below. Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for some of the questions.

I am in love with:
___ My Right Hand
___ My Left Hand
___ Both Hands
My favorite music is:
___ Country
___ Western
___ Anything played on an accordion
My favorite meal is:
___ Head Cheese and Old Milwaukee
___ Venison Sausage & Old Milwaukee
___ Cheese Curd & Old Milwaukee
___ Pickled Pigs' Feet
___ 7 Courses: Brat & Six-Pack
___ $5.99 Fish Fry
Preferred Weapon:
___ 12 Guage
___ Tire Iron
___ Forehead
___ Chain Saw
___ Ice Auger
Primary Auto:
___ '67 Ford Galaxy
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission and '71 Buick Wagon Engine
I usually greet people by saying:
___ Ya Hey Dere
___ Dem Packers is playing like a bunch of Old Women
___ Dey should take da whole bunch a dem Madison liberals and just linem up and shootem
I can count to:
___ 10
___ 20, if I take off my boots
___ 21, if I get neked
I am:
___ Gay
___ Just willing to learn
Favorite Reading:
___ Fishing Facts
___ Beer Bottle Labels
___ Guns and Ammo
___ Today's Mercenary
___ Polka Digest
Things in my front yard:
___ Various Kitchen Appliances
___ Car on Blocks
___ Transmissions
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (in-season)
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (out of season)
My favorite female in the world is:
___ My Sister
___ Mo Mother
___ Both, because my sister is my mother
I mostly wear:
___ Polyester pants with snags
___ Polyester pants with holes
___ Green Bay Belt Buckle
The most memorable event I ever attended:
___ Minocqua Moose call competition
___ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
___ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
___ Carp Queen Beauty Contest
___ Spread Eagle International proctologists Convention
My favorite entertainment is:
___ Deer hunting while drinking
___ Watching Green Acres reruns while drinking
___ Snowmobiling while drinking
Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this
___ Someone is reading this for me

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:18 AM

Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About Television

When you try to fondle woman you see on TV, you bust the screen
Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids
Why doesn't the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan's ear?
If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, "I want that!" it doesn't instantly materialize before you
CBS rejected his idea for new show: "Cold Cocked By An Angel"
"Martha Stewart Living" only an hour long
This guy (video clip of "Rent-A-Friend" guy from Dave's Video Collection)
"Hollywood Squares" is back on TV and my phone has not rung once
I'm told I can "Win Ben Stein's Money" when I'd much prefer to "Kick Ben Stein's Ass"
Thought "Beverly Hills 90210" was the name of new female inmate

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:18 AM

Amazing Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''
His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''
The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''
The man replies, ``I found it.''

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:19 AM

Golf Rules

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Palm trees eat golf balls.

Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

All 3-woods are domon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:19 AM

Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

1. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
2. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
3. They keep shouting "Do over!"
4. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
5. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
6. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
7. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
8. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
9. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
10. They play like the Mets

thedrifter

01-27-04, 08:19 AM

What's wrong?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 08:48 AM

A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to
have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the
covers, she tells her husband,
"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man."
The husband thinks for a second and says,
"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But
can I ask who the guy was?"
She fidgets for a minute, then says,
"Tiger Woods."
Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,
"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to
sleep with him."
So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets
up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,
"What are you doing?"
He tells her, "I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want
anything?"
"Tiger wouldn't have done that," she says.
"Oh really? What would Tiger have done," he asks.
"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time."
So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes
love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of
bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,
"What are you doing?"
"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry," he
replies.
"Tiger wouldn't have done that," she again tells him.
"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?"
"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time," she
says.
So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time.
After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.
"Calling room service again?" she asks.
"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what par is for this damn hole!!"

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 07:48 PM

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the tree in Hawaii and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the tree in California when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!

Phantom Blooper

01-27-04, 10:03 PM

A Brass what?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of canon balls near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square
based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with
16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made of iron,
the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the
brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression,
didn't you?

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:43 AM

57 Chevy

This here's a story about Josh and his 57 Chevy. Now, his Chevy wasn't licensed but Josh used to drive it on the back roads around his farm.

Well, one day last summer, the old car broke down a mile from home...with a busted axle. Now Josh, he was kinda on the tight side when it came to money. He could have called a towing truck but nope, not Josh. Instead, he brought the car back home piece by piece. He figured, once he got all the pieces home, he'd reassemble them in the barn.

First came the 4 tires...and the spare. Then the hood and the bumpers. Then he brought back one of the doors. That particular day it was really hot.

"Josh" his neighbor said, "I know you don't want to spend the money on a tow truck. But don't you at least find it too hot to be carrying a car door all that distance."

Josh, "No, can't say I do.....got the window rolled down."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:45 AM

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:46 AM

Nude sunbathing

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:47 AM

Buck night

Q: Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?

.

.

.

.

A: Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:47 AM

Two brain cells

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

.

.

.

.

A: Pregnant.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:48 AM

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:49 AM

Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:49 AM

Give an example of tragedy

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offersthat, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful!" Winston beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:50 AM

A Real Disastrous Shot

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.
"This your ball?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, I think it is."
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."
"Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?" The policeman replied,
"Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:50 AM

Supplemental Rules For Bowling

1. If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

2. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

3. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

4. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

5. After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

6. If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

7. A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:50 AM

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lenght to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the formed bunkers.

8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

9. Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing when they consider it to be a private course.

10. Players are coutioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back side.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner' request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.

17. Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:51 AM

A Golfer's Nightmare

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.
And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.
Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,
"Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:51 AM

At The Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 07:52 AM

The sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:42 PM

from our girl Cas.....

This is a joke that should bring you luck.
>
> An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
> purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted
> on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had
a
> lot of money.
>
> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
> right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
>
> The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
> She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
> president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save
so
> much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>
> The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
>
> The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
> testicles
are
> square."
>
> The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
> impossible to win a bet like that.
>
> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
> said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
>
> "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
> testicles are not square."
>
> "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
> involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow
>
> morning with my lawyer as a witness."
>
> "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
>
> That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
spent
> a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
> them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
> was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
> reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>
> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
> the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
> bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
>
> The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
the
> day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc.
so
> that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
>
> The president was happy to oblige.
>
> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
> president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
> "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>
> The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president
> noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He
> asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh,
> it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
the
> morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank
of
> Canada!"
>
> The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to
everyone
> to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain
> would definitely be unlucky.
>
> Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to
> five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good
will
> happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken,
you
> will have good luck during the four days.
>
> Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
>
> If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good
luck
> for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within
the
> next 4 days.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:43 PM

The Last Word

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then the first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the second, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:44 PM

Late Wedding Gift

Five years after my wife and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

She wasn't amused, but did think the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:44 PM

The Latest Medicines (1998)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Inc. is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
(Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days.
Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids.
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:45 PM

Latest Mergers

Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale-Mary-Fuller-Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere-Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip-Audi-Do-Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey-I'm-Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine-All-Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED-UP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell-Honeychild.

3M, J.C.Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3-Penney-Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott-NOW!

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:45 PM

Lawnyer

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.

As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn."

thedrifter

01-28-04, 06:46 PM

Laws of Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

ese4mc

01-28-04, 07:37 PM

Fw: Why do we work?

Never looked at it this way.

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.
AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
AT WORK - you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat. And
probably need a key to get in.

IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK - they are called managers.

So - why is it again that you work???

ese4mc

01-28-04, 07:42 PM

America's smartest woman]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 > > parachutes. > > The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; > > the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left > > the plane. > > > > > > The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US > > President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the > > smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to > > die," and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.. > > > > > > The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United > > States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a > > superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. > > > > > > The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old > > schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a > > Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." > > > > > > The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's > > smartest woman took my schoolbag." > > > >

Phantom Blooper

01-28-04, 08:11 PM

How Marines handle kids:

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around
him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen
slowly walking up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down, motioning toward his
chest, and whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly
fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous
applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve and asks quietly, "Excuse me, sir, but could
I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle
me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Phantom Blooper

01-28-04, 08:13 PM

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our
own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make
you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it
has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO
WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:26 AM

Blonde's eyes

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

.

.

.

.

A: The back of her head.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:26 AM

Car wash

At a car wash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blonde woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "Who ripped off my car phone?!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:27 AM

Cheerios

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

.

.

.

.

A: "Oh, look! Donut seeds!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:27 AM

Blinker light

Q: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?

.

.

.

.

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off...

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:28 AM

May I buy this tv?

This one blonde went to a store and said to the cashier, "May I buy this TV?" The cashier replied, "No, I don't sell to blondes." So the next day she dyed her hair brown and went back to the store.

"May I buy this TV?" she asked the same cashier that was working the day before. "I told you," he said, "I don't sell to blondes."

"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asked. He said, "Because that's a microwave."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:29 AM

Souvenirs

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."

"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."

"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"

"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."

"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."

The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:29 AM

Dave Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Names For Ross Perot's Political Party

10. The Rosstafarians

9. United We're Nuts

8. The Dork-O-Crats

7. Wacky Ass Billionaires

6.The "You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party" Party

5.The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends

4. Yankee Doodle Psychos

3. El Party De Nutjobs

2. Shorty And The Blowfish

1. The Hair Club For Geeks

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:29 AM

Bad smellin' teepee

Two Indians, Running Bear and Little Beaver went to the outhouse teepee, situated on the edge of a cliff. After using the outhouse teepee, they went back to the village. The next day, they again went to the outhouse teepee. Running Bear said, "Terrible, terrible, the outhouse teepee smells to high heaven! What should we do? We can't ever use it smelling like that!" Little Beaver suggested, "Why don't we just push the outhouse teepee over the cliff, and go build another one?" They both agreed and pushed the outhouse teepee over the cliff.

A few days later, the chief of the tribe called a pow wow. He asked," Who threw the outhouse teepee over the cliff?" No one answered. He then told this story.

When George Washington was a little boy, his father asked, "Who chopped down the cherry tree?" Little boy George Washington answered, "It was I father."

His father was so pleased with the answer, that he rewarded Little George Washington, and later in life, he became the Great leader of his nation.

"Now again, I ask, who pushed over the outhouse teepee?" Little Beaver said, It was I that pushed over the outhouse teepee, thinking he would get a reward. In that moment, the Chief jumped on Little Beaver and severely beat him. He ended up in the hospital.

A month later, the Chief was visiting the hospital, and came across Little Beaver. Little beaver asked," Chief, how come you beat me up?"

The Chief answered, "George Washington's father wasn't in the Cherry Tree!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:30 AM

Clocks in Heaven

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here".

Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.

The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.

They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, " I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"

Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!"

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:30 AM

Smart politicians

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"
"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.
"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".
"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:31 AM

Busload of politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:32 AM

Reasons Why A Normal Car Is A Far Superior Vehicle Than A F1 Car

"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"

1. No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!

2. No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.

3. No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.

4. No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.

5. No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.

6. No ashtrays and electric lighter...

7. No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain ?

8. No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.

9. No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass ?

10. No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.

11. Only one brake light...

12. Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in ?

13. No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?

14. No trunk...

15. No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)

16. High fuel consumption...

17. Engines that don't last... (mine is still going after 230 000 KM!)

18. Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...

19. Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.

20. No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:32 AM

A Bad Slice

A fellow was out golfing when he made an unfortunate hook shot that landed in a bed a flowers planted along the edge of the fairway. Gingerly tip-toeing his way through the flowers to retreive his ball, he bent down to pick it up.
Feeling the presence of someone else, he slowly turned around to see Mother Nature standing behind him. Smiling, She said "I couldn't help but notice how careful you are to retreive your golfball without injuring my buttercups - my precious little buttercups. I want to reward you - I'll give you all the butter you could want for the next year."
The golfer looked at Her and without hesitation, said "And where the hell were you when I sliced it into the pussywillows ?!!

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:33 AM

Things To Do At A Bowling Alley

1. Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
2. When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
3. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
4. Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
5. Wear Golf Shoes.
6. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
7. Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
8. Play bocci with extra lane balls
9. Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
10. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
11. Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
12. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
13. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
14. Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
15. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
16. Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
17. Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
18. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
19. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
20. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
21. Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
22. Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
23. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
24. Rent all the shoes, eat them
25. Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
26. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
27. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
28. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
29. Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
30. SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
31. Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
32. Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
33. Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
34. Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
35. Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
36. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
37. Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
38. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
39. Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

thedrifter

01-29-04, 06:33 AM

An Illusion

Seems this man was stranded on an island for 11 years...well one day he was sitting on the beach when this very lovely lady came swimming up, she had on a wet suit that was gripping her body.... she looked at the man, and asked how long he had been here....when he said 11 years, she asked if he had smoked any....he said no....she then opened a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it and gave it to him.....she then asked when was the last time he had a drink.....he said 11 years....so she pulled a flask out of another pocket and gave him a drink.....the young lady then got a really sexy look on her face and asked when was the last time the had played around.... the fellow grinned and said 11 years....at the point the young lady started to unzip her wet suit .......the man got so excited he responded with
"OH MY GOD YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A SET OF GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!!!!!"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:37 AM

Hair up

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

.

.

.

.

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:37 AM

Medicine cabinet

Q: Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

.

.

.

.

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:38 AM

Chicken baking

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days?

.

.

.

.

A: The recipe said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:38 AM

Shoulder pads

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

.

.

.

.

A: To protect their head when saying `I don't know` (head bobbing from side to side)

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:38 AM

911

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

.

.

.

.

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:39 AM

Identify yourself

A blonde walks into a bank and stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said handing it over.

The clerk examined the check, then said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over. Then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag, produced a mirror, glanced in it, and with a relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:39 AM

New Car Radio

A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates:

"Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"*******!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:40 AM

Biggest horse's ass I've ever seen

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled,

"Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.

"She's a horse's ass too," he said.

A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.

"Hey!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country."

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:40 AM

Air force 1

Bill Clinton and his wife were on a plane as Bill Clinton throws a $1 bill out of the window.

His wife asked him what he did that for.

He said "to make one person happy!"

Then Bill's wife throws a $10 bill out the plane window.

"Why d'cha do that?"

"To make one person very happy" she responds

A little annoyed Clinton throws 10 $10bills out the window and says "Well I made 10 people very happy there, huh!?"

His wife throws a $100 out the window and giggles.

"And what was that for?"

"To make one person very, very happy" she says.

The pilot was getting very annoyed at them, and takes Bill Clinton by the ankles and throws him out of the window.

"WY'D'YA DO THAT!!!?" she asks very upset.

"To make EVERYONE happy"

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:40 AM

Depressed president

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."!

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:41 AM

Did you scratch the car?

Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking place:

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?

D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

D- Son, you are such a slick talker you're either gonna wind up as a lawyer or President....

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:42 AM

Arnie Or Jesus?

Jesus joined a threesome on the first hole. The drive had to be hit over two small lakes to reach a green surrounded by sandtraps.
Jesus said "OK, I'll do this one. If Palmer could do it, I can do it."
Jesus took a few practice swings, breathed deeply, then hit a blooper right into the water. Cursing, he walked on water to retrieve his ball.
"Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" asked one of the players.
Another player turned to him and said, "No, that's Jesus who thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:42 AM

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:43 AM

Yankee Fan

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an *******."

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:43 AM

Death On The Golf Course

A man and his wife went golfing one day. The man ended the day by calling the authorities due to a golf ball hitting his wife in the head and instantly killing her. At the morgue, the pathologist explained to the man that the golf ball was indeed the cause of death of his wife. The pathologist did have one question. He asked the golfer how another golf ball had made it's way up his wife's ass. The golfer explained, that was my mulligan. (For the golfing novice, a mulligan is a free shot)

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:43 AM

The World Series

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

thedrifter

01-30-04, 07:44 AM

Winston Cup

Three surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon.

The first said, "I reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one of the best pitchers in the Major League."

The second said, "I reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one of the best place kickers in the NFL."

The third surgeon could not be out done. He said, "I once stitched a mustache to an ******* and he went on to become a seven time Winston Cup Champion!"

2ndplacesucks

01-30-04, 10:40 AM

three guys walked into a bar, one german one italian and one irishman.

they sat and ordered their drinks. the german went to drink his beer, and there was a nasty fly in it. he just flicked it off and drank his beer.

the italian goes to sip his glass of wine, and there was a nasty fly in it, he was outraged and demanded the bar tender take it back and give him another one.

the irishman went to sip his wisky, again there was a nasty fly in it, he picked the fly out of his drink and screamed spit it out spit it out.

yellowwing

01-30-04, 04:56 PM

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!" So she says the
words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." I am thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store... I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all
three. She wanted matching shoes, I said "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was ok. She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to
HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 08:58 AM

Twin sister

Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?

She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 08:58 AM

Holiday at the North Pole

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the north pole. The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the red's is 130 pounds, the brunette's is 150 pounds. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer. They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape. "You should do it", the blonde says to the brunette, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me or the redhead". "I guess you're right", the brunette says. She jumps out of the sleigh and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", the blonde says, but the bear reopens the chase.

"Now it's your time, red, the blonde says. "Your weight is bigger than mine."

"I guess you're right", the red says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

"Thank God for my brains", the blonde says.

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. The blonde really gets mad, and she cries out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"

thedrifter

01-31-04, 08:59 AM

Black and fuzzy

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

.

.

.

.

A: A blonde electrician.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 08:59 AM

Spell farm

Q: How do blondes spell `farm?`

.

.

.

.

A: E-I-E-I-O

thedrifter

01-31-04, 08:59 AM

Coat hanger

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

.

.

.

.

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:00 AM

Arrow

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:00 AM

Blonde's mind

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

.

.

.

.

A: Buy her another beer.

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:01 AM

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog".

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog," OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures why not. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He puts the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton".

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:02 AM

World Marching Girl

Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.

Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, " Well honey, what are you smiling at?"

Bill replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls."

A big smile came across Hilary's face. Bill said, "What are you smiling about?"

Hilary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:02 AM

Gee, that guy looks so familiar

Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, "Gee, that guy looks so familiar!" A few minutes later, it hit her. "Bill!" she said, "I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!"

Bill turned to Hillary and said, "Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?"

"Why?" asked Hillary.

"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!"

"Well," said Hillary, "If I had married him, he'd be President!"

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:03 AM

Nice pig you got there

President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:

Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.

President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.

Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:03 AM

You're lying

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".

The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:18 AM

Something you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:19 AM

Eating dogs

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:19 AM

Love dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:20 AM

Close shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:20 AM

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?

A bad golfer says wack...DAMN
A bad skydiver says damn...WACK

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:21 AM

Winners On Display

A NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Dale Earnhardt's car - a seasoned veteran of the sport. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Dale Earnhardt is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Dale use it on weekends."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:26 AM

Law Clerk

As a law student, I landed a summer job as a law clerk in a prestigious law firm in Charlotte, North Carolina. My duties included investigating personal injury claims arising from automobile accidents.

One day an elderly woman called in from Indian Hill, NC, a small rural town south east of Charlotte. On her way to work, an 18-wheeler plowed into the back of her car. The impact crumpled the back end of her car up past her door, pinning her inside.

Going through my litany of questions, trying to sound as lawyerly and professional as I could, I asked, "Mam, did you give the police a statement?"

"Yes" she answered.

"What statement did you give them mam?" I asked.

"I tolls 'em, 'git me outta' here!!'"

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:26 AM

Law School

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding ....."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:27 AM

Lawyers!

A story from a lady, who writes about her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" No one answered him. Before the pause became too long, though, the judge announced, "I do."

thedrifter

01-31-04, 09:27 AM

Lawyer Fees

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

benny rutledge

01-31-04, 11:22 AM

I haven't anything to contribute,But,I'll tell you what,every one of you guy's missed your calling in the Corps.Loved every post......by the way, did you see my WHALE of a story yet ? Semper Fi guys !

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:17 AM

Coat hanger

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

.

.

.

.

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:18 AM

Arrow

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:18 AM

Blonde's mind

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

.

.

.

.

A: Buy her another beer.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:18 AM

Stop using the pill

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

.

.

.

.

A: Because it kept falling out.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:19 AM

Kill the bird

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

.

.

.

.

A: By throwing it off of a cliff.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:19 AM

Burnt out light bulb

Q: What do a blonde and a burnt out light bulb have in common?

.

.

.

.

A: One`s just as bright as the other

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:20 AM

Better than old days

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:21 AM

They are in the shower

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:21 AM

Bedroom football

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he ****s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:21 AM

Momma needs a new pair of pants

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting
at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive
lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the
waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching
the dice!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:22 AM

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:22 AM

Political pick-up lines

10. "I see the flat tax wouldn't apply to you."
9. "Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here."
8. "I'd like you to exercise my pocket veto."
7. "Could you give my voting lever a little pull?"
6. "I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom,
but I didn't mean this senator."
5. "Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood...."
4. "...and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?"
3. "Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?"
2. "Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?"
1. "I've got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants...er,
uh, pocket."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:23 AM

All Male Citizens of Oklahoma

STATE OF OKLAHOMA

From: The office of the Governor

To: All Male Citizens of Oklahoma

GENTLEMEN:

The only thing this great state of Oklahoma has not yet taxed is your peter.
Mostly because 90% of the time it is not working and 2% of the time, it is in
the hole. Also, because it has two dependents who are nuts. However,
beginning January 1, 1998, your peter will be taxed according to size using the
chart below to determine your category:

4 to 6 inches - NUISANCE TAX
8 to 10 inches - POLE TAX
10 to 12 inches - LUXURY TAX

All peters under 4 inches will receive a refund. Please insert this
information on Page 2, Section E, of your State of Oklahoma tax form.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:23 AM

Make'em all Happy

Bill Clinton and family are on Air Force One. Bill suddenly asks, "Why don't we throw out a one hundred dollar bill to make someone happy?" Then, Hillary says, "How about two fifty dollar bills and make two people happy?" Chelsea decides, "How about one hundred one dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?"

Then, the pilot shouts back, "Just throw yourselves out will you? And then you can make 250 million people happy!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:24 AM

The Prez and the Pope

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administration foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the paperwork, called the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem.

The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-bye, and he began his journey to heaven. Along the way, he met Clinton, who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.

The Pope said, "Sorry about the mix-up. By the time you get to hell, it's really too late to save any souls."

Clinton replied, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more familiar company down below, anyway."

The Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."

"Why's that?" Clinton asked.

"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope replied.

"Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:24 AM

The Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky & Ted Kaczynski Limericks

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." * (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:24 AM

Snow Balls

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "Ok," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's hand writing."

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:25 AM

War Zone

Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:26 AM

Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:26 AM

A Golfing Parody

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:27 AM

The Golfer And The Barn

A man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green."

When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot.

About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green."

The husband said, "I don't think I can do this and anyway I hate this hole."

His friend said, "It's not that hard and why do you hate this hole?"

The husband said, after bowing his head, "The last time I played this hole I got an 8!"

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:27 AM

Admission Of Women To Golf Club

Skyline Golf Club
Memo to all members!
Re: The admission of women to the club.

Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the following rules.

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club.

2. Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.

3. All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing.

4. In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position.

5. Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.

6. Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.

7. All holes must be kept clean at all times.

8. Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.

thedrifter

02-01-04, 09:27 AM

Fatal Provisional

A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. "We were on the third hole" the widower relates.
"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?" "Oh" says the man
"that was my provisional."

Phantom Blooper

02-01-04, 09:22 PM

A gas station in "redneck country" was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy, (Bubba) replied, "No tain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged, my wife won twice last week.

Phantom Blooper

02-01-04, 09:24 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really ,really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you ....is that "British Hospitality"?
"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that's the French Embassy."

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 06:52 AM

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 09:48 AM

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever! , because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
``````````````````````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
``````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
``````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
```````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
```````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
````````````````````````````````

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
--George Bush, US President
```````````````````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
`````````````````````````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
``````````````````````````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
````````````````````````````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
```````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 10:03 AM

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She replies, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 10:04 AM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy..."Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 10:05 AM

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 10:06 AM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya"

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 12:12 PM

PHONE COMPANY IDIOT'S

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched!

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
:banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 12:17 PM

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 12:18 PM

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 12:20 PM

Lord John Dillon didn't smoke and couldn't stand any of the people who did. One morning as he was seated in the train carriage, an elderly Irishman sat opposite him and lit up his pipe. Immediately Dillon said, "Look, my good man, this is a nonsmoking carriage and I wish that you would put that pipe away. Here is my card so that you know the important source from which this comes."
The elderly man looked at the card and put it in his pocket. However, he kept on smoking. This infuriated Dillon no end; hence, when the train stopped at a junction, Dillon got out from the carriage and began to look for a guard. When Dillon found the guard, he complained loudly and demanded that he oust the old man. The train guard went into the carriage and informed the old man that he must stop smoking. With that, the old man reached in his pocket and handed the guard Dillon's card.
"Oh, okay, your Lordship," and the guard tipped his hat and went on. When he came back to the platform, he said, "I'd like to stop him, but I don't dare. That's that old crazy politician Dillon with the blabber mouth. If I crossed him, it might cost me my job. You know what a revengeful ass he is."

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:41 PM

Lightening

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

.

.

.

.

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:42 PM

Police car

Q: Do you know why the blonde tried to steal a police car?

.

.

.

.

A: She saw `911` and thought that it was a Porsche.

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:42 PM

Alzheimer's disease

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

.

.

.

.

A: Her IQ goes up

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:42 PM

Amuse a blonde

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

.

.

.

.

A: Write `Please turn over` on both sides of a piece of paper.

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:43 PM

Breast feed

Q: Why don't blonde's breastfeed their babies?

.

.

.

.

A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:43 PM

Smart blonde

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a smart blonde?

.

.

.

.

A: It can't be done

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:44 PM

No arms

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:44 PM

Savings

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:45 PM

The Kiss

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own
relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends
kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they
were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does
that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who
introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to
kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid
of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of
me has begun to get stiff!!"

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:45 PM

Three Shots

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.

The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:46 PM

Feeling Good Or Healing Hurts?

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes." He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin (*okay, you use whatever term works for you*).
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

thedrifter

02-02-04, 12:46 PM

Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "Just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 06:48 PM

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the best ones entered:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was ****ed.

I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 11:05 PM

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,

but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked,

"You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you.

However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,

"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,

"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything,

but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important..!!"

Phantom Blooper

02-02-04, 11:06 PM

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth
And populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
Spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
And Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said,
"You want Chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh,"
And Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And the stockholders were very happy. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman
Might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
Buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following
the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables
And olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried
Steak so big it needed its own platter.
Hilltop Steak House thrived! And man gained more
Weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it
"Angel Food Cake," and said "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children
might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and
gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
Fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
Cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yeh! And super size 'em."
And Satan said "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surge

yellowwing

02-03-04, 05:36 AM

I was about to leave work one day when I saw a simply gorgeous sunset. I called to the other workers to come and see. Everyone was in awe at the bright reds and oranges. After a few moments one of them asked me, "What do the Indians say about sunsets like that?"

I asked "What does it mean?"

"Yes, tell us!" they begged.

"It means that it will be dark soon!" And I was right!

Phantom Blooper

02-04-04, 06:44 AM

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing
the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew
what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a
cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are ! down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat
it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking
with fear, they peered through the fence yet were
still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried
to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

airframesguru

02-04-04, 07:49 AM

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

Phantom Blooper

02-04-04, 07:51 AM

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to

give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling.
I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When Igot older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.

She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now.............. I'm just Fred."

:banana:

usmc4669

02-04-04, 08:20 AM

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
And civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
Is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
Minutes to "Happy Hour."

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:06 AM

Number 54

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:07 AM

Between 2 blondes

What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
.
.
.
.
An Interpreter

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:07 AM

Bad day

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
.
.
.
.
She can't find her pen and a tampon is stuck behind her ear!

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:07 AM

A patient and her coffee

One day a blonde goes to see her doctor, complaining about a side effect coffee has on her. She explains that she is fine when she drinks it black, but if she put cream or sugar or both in her coffee, it gives her a stabbing pain in her eye. Left eye sometimes, right other times. She says she doesn't have an aversion to cream or sugar or both together, that it must be the coffee.

The doctor looks in her eyes shake his head and laughs, "Darling, try taking the spoon out after you stir in your cream and sugar!"

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:08 AM

Fountain of Youth

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical
science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle,
Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what
it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain
of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

The man looks a little taken aback but replies "You probably could, if you
took two pills".

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:08 AM

Expecting a baby

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi
went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the
Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The
congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the
Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much
yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke
to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood
up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and
rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:09 AM

Smart little boy

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. "There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence", she said, "and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.

Johnny thinks a second and says "none".

The Teacher asked him how he figured that. "Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away".

The teacher said "That's not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking".

Then Johnny says "Now can I ask you one?".

The teacher said okay. Johnny says "There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.

The teacher says, "Why, the one that's licking it" to which Johnny answered "Wrong. It's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking..."

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:10 AM

The Pitch

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:10 AM

Funeral

A golfer in a foursome was playing an extremely tough hole one summer day. He was making a very tricky putt as a funeral procession was going by. He holed out the shot anyway.Afterwards his partner said "You must have nerves of steel to sink such a tricky putt while that funeral was going by." "Yes, we would have been married 25 years today if she was still alive."

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:11 AM

Tee Time In Hell

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.

When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round.

The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.

He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.

Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball.

Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.

"That's the Hell of it," says Satan with a devilish laugh.

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:11 AM

Take The Bait

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

thedrifter

02-04-04, 09:11 AM

Gama Su !! Gama Su !!

A Texas business man while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!".
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked:
"Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

yellowwing

02-04-04, 10:05 AM

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullsh*t with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator from New York now!

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:46 AM

Bad day

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
.
.
.
.
She can't find her pen and a tampon is stuck behind her ear!

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:47 AM

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:47 AM

Airhead on flight

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde man are talking to each other on a plane. Suddenly, the captain comes over the intercom and says that the plane has lost one of its four engines and not to worry, but there will be a 3-hour delay as result.

So the men complain about how much this sucks, and go back to talking. 10 minutes later, there is another announcement saying that the plane has lost another engine. Now there will be a 6-hour delay.

The men are all disgruntled about this. But there's nothing that can be done, so they go back to what they were talking about. Their conversation is once again interrupted by a message that the plane has lost another engine. The delay is now 9 hours.

The blonde man turns to the others and exclaims angrily "If we lose another engine we'll be in the air all day!!!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:48 AM

Mirror of Truth

There was a Mirror of Truth that if you stood in front of it and told a lie it would suck you into it never to be seen again.

A very ugly man stood in front of it at declared.. "Mirror of Truth.. I think I'm the handsomest man alive" and..."Swoooop"! he was sucked in.

Then a very Fat man stood in front of the mirror and declared..."Mirror of Truth. I think I'm the skinniest man around..." and "Swooop" he was also sucked in.

Then a Blonde woman stood in front of the mirror and declared: "Mirror of Truth...I think...."Swoooop"!

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:48 AM

Driving through Kansas

Once there was a guy and his blonde girlfriend driving back from out West, as they came through Kansas. Way out in a field was another blonde sitting in a row-boat. Feeling very flustered the girlfriend, slapped her legs and said to her boyfriend. "See that's what gives us blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I'd go out there and slap her

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:48 AM

Breast Stroke

There is a blonde, a red head, and a brunette on the beach.

The brunette says, "Hey, let's race and do the breast stroke out to that island."

They all agree and start. The brunette gets to the island first. Shortly after the red head arrives. They waited five hours and finally the blonde got there.

She got out and yelled, "You cheated!"

They asked her what she meant and she said, "You said use the breast stroke and you were using your arms!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:49 AM

Helicopter instructions

One day, a blonde went to an airport and said that she wanted to learn to fly a helicopter. The instructor starts telling her about the schedule, first learning the rules of aviation, etc.

But the blonde interrupts complaining, "I want to fly the helicopter today."

The guy figures, she'll probably get scared and chicken out anyway. So he says yes. He checks the computer, and realizes that there is only one helicopter available, a one-seater. He tells the blonde that.
She says, 'SO!"

He is getting annoyed, so to get rid of her, he tells her the basics, and lets her take off with the instructions to radio in every 5 min.

To his great surprise, in five min. she radios in and says, "This is GREAT! I'm at 1000 ft. and the view is awesome!!"

He then gets a similar report at 2000 ft., but at 3000 ft., to his dismay, he watches her crash about 1/2 a mile away. He runs over and pulls her out of the wreckage. "WHAT HAPPENED!" He asked.

The blonde replies, "Well, everything was going great, the view was awesome, it wasn't hard to control, but the trouble started when I got cold and turned off the big fan."

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:50 AM

Advice From Former Presidents

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER."

Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER."

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:51 AM

A Tragedy

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:51 AM

Ill Repute

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird.

As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.

The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:52 AM

Taxes

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up, and decided to send it to President Clinton.

President Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God which reads as follows: "Dear God, Thank you so very much for sending me the money. Inoticed you sent it through Washington. As usual those bastards deducted $95 as tax."

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:52 AM

Bill Clinton's Excuses For His Sex Scandals

* Excuse me "Your Honor," but she was on top.

* I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV.

* She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16.

* Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers.

* I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office.

* I was jealous of Nixon with his "Tricky Dick" nickname.

* I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her E-MAIL!

* See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!

* My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton.

* I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans--oops, I mean it was in my genes.

* I didn't insert!

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:54 AM

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:55 AM

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:55 AM

Getting Squirrely

A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn't find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.

The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.

A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, "I told you to keep it quiet!"

The drunk explains, "I know, I know... but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn't make any noise. Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn't take it any longer when that damn squirrel came back for my second nut!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:56 AM

The Scotsman At The Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

thedrifter

02-05-04, 08:56 AM

God Showing Off

Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:14 AM

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:15 AM

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:15 AM

Shine

How do you make a blonde's eyes shine?
.
.
.
.
By shining a flashlight in here ear.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:15 AM

Road painting

One day this blonde got hired for a job, painting lines on the road. The first day on the job she painted 20 miles of lines, the second day she painted only 15 miles, the next day 10 miles and then the next only 5 miles. That day her boss asked her "How can you do 20 miles of lines one day then 3 days later only do 5 miles of lines?"

"It's one long walk back to that paint can!" she replies.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:16 AM

Confuse

How does a blonde confuse you?
.
.
.
.
Tell her to go pee in the corner of a round room and she tells you she did.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:17 AM

How many do you want?

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:17 AM

Underwear

There was once a villager who got engaged to a girl from the
neighboring village. One day he decided to walk there and visit
his fiancée. So he asked his mum to go and buy some material
to make him some new underwear since he had been wearing
his for 3 months.

His mum bought 5 meters and made two pairs for him with
2 meters leaving 3 meters spare. He put on his new underwear
and his best kilt (skirt) and set off for the next village.

When he was half way there, he needed to go to the toilet, and
took off his underwear, and hung it on a tree so as not to dirty it.
When he was done, he forgot to put his underwear back on.

When he got to his fiancée’s house, he sat opposite her so as to
show off his new underwear. The girl looked shocked. When the
man saw her expression, he thought she was impressed with his
new underwear, and said,
"Do u like it? I have another 3 meters at home."

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:17 AM

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:18 AM

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:19 AM

Bill Clinton's Favorite Things

(To the tune of "A Few Of My Favorite Things"
from the Sound of Music) Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things. Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:20 AM

"Starr I Are"

A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:20 AM

Miss Lewinsky's Resume

Now that Monica is ready to move on with her life, she has now put together a new resume so she can go out hunting for a job. Unfortunately, she never expected that her resume would be held against her as evidence.

The federal attorneys disclosed to the courts an unprecedented fact-finding case mounted against the nation's President. Much of the evidence was trivial compared to the notorious dress which Monica Lewinsky wore that contemptuous evening. However, this wasn't the only controversial evidence brought forth in this case. Another was Miss Lewinsky's resume.

Among her stately objectives, education, and hobbies, Monica's EXPERIENCE was quite impressive! It read, "Worked Presidential Balls."

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:21 AM

Monica Lewinsky's Reply

Monica Lewinsky, said in a statement released in response to President Clinton's testimony said:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:22 AM

A Poke

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass.

Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye and picks up a 70 pound Bass.

A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, "Aren't you going to give it a try?"

Jeff replies, "No, I don't want to get poked in the eye!"

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:22 AM

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Your parents cheer when you score.

A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

Periods only last 20 minutes.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

You can tell the media about it afterwards.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:23 AM

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:23 AM

Playing Through

This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help!" she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?!?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?" she gasped in pain.

"Hey ! I told you not to worry," he said, as he practiced stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

thedrifter

02-06-04, 08:23 AM

Mother Nature

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"

The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

Phantom Blooper

02-06-04, 09:29 AM

Your duck is dead....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill and handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged and said, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's $150."

Phantom Blooper

02-06-04, 09:52 AM

ONCE A BAPTIST ALWAYS THINK LIKE A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him,and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.

He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:07 AM

Railroad Tracks

This Brunette was hopping from railroad track to railroad track shouting 27,27,27.

A blonde comes along and does the same thing as the brunette, then a train comes and the brunette jumps out of the way but the blonde gets ran over and the brunette jumps back on saying 28,28,28.

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:08 AM

Tropical fruit

A young blonde was visiting a small village in Africa. A handsome male guide accompanied her. They were on a tight schedule and the guide told her that they would have to leave in 15 minutes...there could be no delays.

So, off they walked through the little village. They came upon a big tree. A small child nearby, said " Banana".

After a few minutes, they came upon a second tree, quite different than the first. And a child nearby said, "Orange."

Not long after, the blonde noticed a third tree, very different than the first two. The Chief of the Tribe, who was nearby, smiled and said, "Mango."

Just then, the blonde heard the jeep's engine as her tour guide drove away.

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:08 AM

Blonde and Cheerios

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?
.
.
.
.
"Hey look, donut seeds."

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:08 AM

Three Blondes

There were 3 blonde girlfriends watching TV, one says "I have to go tinkle!" so she goes to the bathroom, pulls down her panties and says, "Wait a minute! Do I have to tinkle or don't I have to tinkle?, do I have to tinkle or don't I?" so she sits there and thinks about it.

The others were waiting patiently for her return when one says, "She's taking a long time! I think I'll go check on her!"

So she starts up the stairs and stops midway and says, " Wait a minute! Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs? Was I going up or down?" so she stands there and thinks about it.

Well the other blonde sat watching TV a while and finally says "Oh my, they're taking an awful long time!" but I'm not going to check on em'! I'm not that stupid! Knock on wood (as she taps her head) she says, " Wait a minute! Was that the front door or the back door?"

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:09 AM

Boyfriend buying flowers

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde then asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:09 AM

T-G-I-F

A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F."
The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."
The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."
The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:10 AM

Picture

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:10 AM

Haircut

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:11 AM

Three wishes

One day, an old woman was sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy, old hound, Rex. Suddenly, a genie appeared, startling the old woman.
"Old woman," the genie said, "I felt sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I decided to grant you three wishes."

The old woman thought about it and said, "Well, I've always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."

*Poof* The genie turned her into a young, beautiful princess.
The princess thought some more and said, "A princess should live in a castle, so could you do something about this old shack?"

*Poof* The old shack was tranformed into a huge castle.
Again the princess thought then asked,"Shouldn't a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"

The genie looked around and spotted Rex.
*Poof* Rex was transformed into a handsome Prince.
"Well, my work here is done," the genie said and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The princess gazed at Rex the handsome prince and felt heart beating rapidly for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Rex, the handsome prince, strolled up the the beautiful princess and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms and cried, "Take me Rex! Take me now!"

Rex then whispered in her ear, "Bet you're sorry that you had me neutered now!"

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:11 AM

Viagra for old men

The local care center for seniors has begun giving viagra to the old men each night...It seems it keeps them from rolling out of bed

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:12 AM

Kangaroos

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:13 AM

Keeping Your Word

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:13 AM

K.G.B. Headquarters

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an
enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his
firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece
of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and
leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my
vegetable patch plowed."

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:14 AM

Kids and Cliches

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:14 AM

Kid-Speak

Some grade school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

*The future of "I give" is "I take."

*The parts of speech are lungs and air.

*The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

*A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

*Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

*(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

*A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

*The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

*A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

*Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

*The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

*We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

*One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

*A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

*One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

*To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

*The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

*The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

*Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

*The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

*Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

*The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

*In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

*Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

*In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

*A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:15 AM

Kids Talk About Love (Part 1)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE
IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still
going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.
You might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure
it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me."
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.
But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad
that they finally got it out and said it and now
they can go eat."
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you
feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric
heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your
Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.
But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name.
That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"When a person gets kissed for the first time,
they fall down and they don't get up for at least
an hour."
Wendy, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds
somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume
and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell,
I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already
in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me.
I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody
to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last
a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world,
but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs
don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love.
I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:16 AM

Kids Talk About Love (Part 2)

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her
back to her parents."
Eric, 6

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you
try the next one."
Kelly, 9

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you
can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
Carolyn, 8

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave
them a chance to find out about their values."
Lottie, 9

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with
a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
Kally, 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on TV."
Anita, 6

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."
Carey, 7

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry
if their parents are right there."
Manuel, 8

thedrifter

02-07-04, 09:16 AM

Kids Talk About Love, Part 3

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER!!! by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to
be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date.
-Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
-Ricky, age 10