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thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:16 AM
Hurricane Survival Quiz

1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them

2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling
West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH
leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would
they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop
and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West

4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see
a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing you think?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills.
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!

5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way

6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings

7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Duct tape

8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed
to be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap into the eye, of another area
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach

10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or Florida's
mountains
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft

12. Why should you not stay close to the beach
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves

13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...
a. stare; it's impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d. ask if it's seen Dorothy and Toto

14. What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
b. It can't see you any more
c. You can expect the nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
d. It winks and waves good-bye

15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to
your computer

16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can't afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn't care)
d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)

17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Call girls/guys (prey the rebuilding begins soon)

18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you
need no emergency help

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:17 AM
Hurry Up!

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:18 AM
Husbands and Wives

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds : "Husband wanted."

The next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy ?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

-------------

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

-------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"

"And what was he before you married him?",asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:18 AM
Hut-2-3-4....

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:19 AM
I am Thankful

I AM THANKFUL...

...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:19 AM
IBM 3090/VM

Why I like the IBM 3090:

First, there's the wonderful operating system, VM/SP which has SO many advantages! Here are some of my favorites!

1. All of your files are in the same directory, you don't have to worry about subdirectories and other nonsense,

2. For file names, not only do you get a file name, but you also get a file type AND a file mode, with the name and type each being an astounding 8 characters, plus a 2 character file mode, way more than I ever had on my Apple II,

3. If you create a small file, it automatically makes sure it takes up one 4K block on your disk, so you can add up to 4K of data to the same file and not take any more disk space!!! WOW!!!!!

4. When you get an account you get an ENTIRE cylinder to yourself, an amazing 465K, which is more than my 5 1/4 inch, single sided, low density PC disk,

5. If a FORTRAN file is too long (250 lines) to compile on your disk because the temp files fill up your cylinder, all you have to do is unlink your A disk, create a big temporary disk, attach that as your A disk, attach your old A disk as another disk, copy the source file to the new A disk, then compile it,

6. You never have to worry about background processes, redirection, or piping because the 3090 doesn't have any! Or command histories!

7. Or here (WSU) we are privileged to have RESLIM, which makes sure that you don't use any more CPU time than you want to or have to,

8. We also have system administrators who also make sure we don't use more CPU than we have to, not to mention they tell us what we can and can not do, and what they think they legally can and can not do, such as maintenance on our accounts to make sure there is nothing wrong with any of our personal files,

9. If any files have sat in your reader/mailbox too long, they will automatically be discarded for you,

10. And finally, all of the USEFUL on-line help! All you have to know is the name of the command and whether it is in CP or CMS or SOFTWARE or one of the other help menus, and you can get a GREAT description of that command AND some examples how to use it like you would want to every day!

Not only is the operating system fantastic, they have an AWESOME full screen editor, XEDIT. Boy, it's quite a step up from EDLIN on my PC! Just look how powerful it is:

1. If you want to move your cursor to the middle of the screen, all you do is hold down the arrow keys until you get there.

2. If you wanna delete a whole bunch of characters in the middle of the line all you have to do is hold down the DELETE key until they all magically disappear.

3. If you wanna insert something, all you do is hit the INSERT key and type in what you want, unless it's too long for that line, then all you gotta do is split the line where you want by using the PF11 key, which if you are on a VT100 is just an ESC minus sign.

4. After you do any commands in that neat prefix area, your cursor almost always goes back to the command line at the bottom of the screen.

5. You never have to worry about anything nasty like tab keys, there are no tab stops by default (unless you wanna set them).

6. And, unless you tell it otherwise, XEDIT always creates fixed length lines of 80 characters, so if you ever want to put more stuff on the same line sometime later, there is room for it!!

Add to all of this such things as COBOL, disk linking, EBCDIC character set (I mean who says J should follow I?), and even some AWESOME graphics capabilities, and you'll have to agree that the IBM 3090 is the system for me!!!!

thedrifter
01-12-04, 06:20 AM
Ice Cream is Good for the Soul


Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen."

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:47 AM
Q: What is the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress does not meet every year to make death worse.

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:47 AM
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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie.............

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon................

The moral of the story...............?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached..........!!!!!

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:48 AM
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"

"Well", said the guy, "you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!"

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, the guy replied. I work for the IRS. Do you see me ****ing the guy in front of me?"



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thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:48 AM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:49 AM
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One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope for.

There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!!!"

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:49 AM
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Bob goes to his friend to ask for advice. Bob tells the friend he is to be audited by the IRS, and is wondering how he shoud dress. Should he wear a suit, so as to look professional, or should he wear old raggedy clothes so that he looks like he has no money and hope that the IRS takes pity on him.

The friend responds, "I'm going to tell you what I told my niece when she was getting married. She came to me and asked if she should wear the most beautiful dress she could find, of if she would be better off wearing a plainer, more subtle dress. I told her, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed either way."



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thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:50 AM
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, "Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.

Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"

"I am an IRS agent," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"

The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask an IRS agent to "give" you anything, you fools!"



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thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:50 AM
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.  The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."



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thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:51 AM
Letter To The IRS: Creative Computing

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned to fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.

Sincerely,

I. Getscrewed Everyear

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:51 AM
Ice Fishing

This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there.

Guy goes to another spot and drills.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either.

Guy tries a third spot.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either.

Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager.

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:52 AM
Identifying College Students

How To Recognize The Year Of College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:52 AM
Idiots Are Everywhere!

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar



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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.



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A customer at a sandwich shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said,"Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."



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Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"



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Idiots in the Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.



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Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



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Idiots In Food Services:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the clerk behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.



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Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:53 AM
If . . . .

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:54 AM
If At First You Don't Succeed...


Midway through the installation of a network backbone for this plant -- half a mile of 10 Gbit/sec. optical fiber -- the wiring contractor informs the Customer Rep that there's a problem: Someone has run a pallet jack over the fiber trunk while it was lying on the floor.

"After some discussion as to why no one was watching the cable and stopping that from happening," says the Rep, "it is decided to continue the pull, and the contractor will have to replace whatever doesn't work."

Half an hour later, the Rep gets another message: Someone has run over the fiber again -- this time with a full-size, three-ton-plus lift truck.

But this time, the contractor had an employee watching the cable.

"Why did you let someone run over the cable?" asks exasperated Customer Rep.

Answers contractor's lookout: "I thought it was OK, since it was run over before."

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:54 AM
If Cats Performed "CATS"


"Cats" is one of the longest-running shows on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits one of America's most popular pets. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

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1. Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

2. The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

3. Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

4. Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

5. When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.

6. In the middle of a performance, various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

7. For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

8. A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission. (Yuck!)

9. Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

10. Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?

11. Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

12. The stage would be stained from coughed up hairballs.

13. Performers would find the sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

14. The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

15. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

16. The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole and stray strands of dental floss.

17. Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

18. Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

thedrifter
01-13-04, 08:55 AM
If I Die First...


Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house- sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Phantom Blooper
01-13-04, 07:45 PM
Save a Life


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a few seconds, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe? " The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Phantom Blooper
01-13-04, 07:51 PM
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five s***s you take during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your
tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash
the toilet water all over your a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right
now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Phantom Blooper
01-13-04, 08:00 PM
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in
the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen over. These two guys
go out on the lake with their guns, a Dog and of course the new Vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make
some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys
to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something
a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little
more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new
Navigator
comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they
want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they
are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take
the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and
possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. "Remember a
couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the
DOG!!

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it,
the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about
the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms
and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One
of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops
for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and
this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to
yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his
master.

Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the
bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots
standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your
day was not going well!!

Phantom Blooper
01-14-04, 12:09 AM
A Mormon bishop was seated next to a Marine on a flight to San Diego.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Bishopif he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, " I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen *****s than to let liquor touch my lips."
The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice:banana:

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:14 AM
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?"

The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT."

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."

The waiter asks, "SECRET?"

The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:14 AM
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

-----------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
-----------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:15 AM
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "You'll wake-up my mother!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:15 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He spies a lovely looking creature sitting at a table on her own and decides to make a move.

He goes over and says, 'Hi, I've got something I'd like to show you', and sits down next to her.

He looks harmless enough and she decides to play along, 'Whats that then?', she enquires.

'It's my watch. It can tell me everything I need to know about someone just by looking at it.'

That's bollocks!' she retorts.

'No, really, its true!' He then stares intently at his watch for a few second and then says, 'For instance, I can tell by my watch that you're not wearing any underwear.'

She grins smugly and says ' Well, that's where you're wrong, I do have underwear on.'

The man looks back at his watch, with a puzzled look on his face. A second later the puzzled expression is slowly replaced by a grin of recognition and he says 'I know what it is, I set my watch ten minutes fast this morning!!'

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:16 AM
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal ?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow !" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy ? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well..." Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:17 AM
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:17 AM
A horny man is walking through a park, and notices a wino passed out on a park bench. Temptation overcomes him, and he decides to 'have his way' with the wino. After he finishes, he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into the pocket of the wino's pants.

The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his pocket. He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine you've got!" The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the wino pays for it and leaves. He then spends the rest of the day back at his bench drinking.

That night after the wino passed out, the horny man walked by again, and repeated the cycle from the night before. The next morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.

This whole process continued nightly for over a week. One night, after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's pocket.

The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.

The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get $5.00 of our cheapest wine?"

To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:18 AM
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:18 AM
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:43 AM
Night Guard
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

thedrifter
01-14-04, 06:43 AM
Comeback
This is a portion Of a radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

Phantom Blooper
01-14-04, 03:53 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."


He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."


At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Phantom Blooper
01-14-04, 09:46 PM
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think about this...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect woman against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:26 AM
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:27 AM
Frog

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!! ? " the frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my a**!

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:28 AM
Bang!

2 brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning. They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite brew and head out for a day of hunting. They had their special field that they went to every time, but for the past few weeks their spot was really slow. Today they decided they would give it another chance. They sat in their field for hours without seing a single bird. They finished their beer and were getting vey bored. They decided that it was time to find a new spot. So Ralph and Dexter stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they seen this field behind an old farmhouse just full of geese. The brothers new that they would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used paper, rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask. So Dexter lost and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited behind. When Dexter got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he had a favor to ask of Dexter before they started hunting. The farmer said, "my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the heart to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me." For the opportunity to hunt in the field Dexter said that it would be no problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed for the barn. Ralph came running behind Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter ha a pretty good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young, naive little brother and said,"that bastard farmer won't let us hunt in his field so i'm gonna teach him a lesson." "What are ya gonna do, Dexter." "I'm gonna shoot one of his horses." So Dexter Walked into the barn, took aim and "BANG", shot the horse. Next thing was "BANG! BANG! Let's get out of here Dexter, I just shot two more."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:28 AM
Lottery Winner

There's this guy who's sitting in the bar he order's two pints at a time he drink's one of the pint's pours the other between his legs the waitress come's around again asks the guy if he'd like two more beer's,he replies yes two more pint's she bring's him two more pint's she then noticed that he drank one of the pint's and poured the other between his legs she asks him what are you doing sir "he say's"Well miss I just won the 649 Lottery and this is the only PRICK I'm sharing it with.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:29 AM
Drink Fast

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:29 AM
Well Done

There was this man who was supposed to go out on a business meeting but instead went to a bar with a friend. The man got soo drunk he vomited all over himself. So he's sitting there, crying to the bartender and the bartender say to the guy, "why don't you stick $20 in your pocket, go home and tell your wife that you went into this bar for one drink after the meeting and this drunk ran across the bar and throws up all over you. So the man goes home, tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, She says to his husband, I don't get it, there's $40 in here, The man say, honey, you won't believe it but he **** in my pants too.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:30 AM
Honey

My wife came with instructions. Plenty of instructions. She instructed me on how to do everything all over again. And she was quick to point out all my faults. I only came with two instructions......to show her how to use a beer opener...and how to pick up the empties.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:30 AM
Fright Night

I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright .....but There is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:30 AM
One of the Best

True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:31 AM
The Other Side

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment.He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday." Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours exept he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday." Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son exept he swept flors for a realestate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real dissapointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has sevral boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:32 AM
Devil

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:32 AM
Devil or God?

One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris... to his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn't!!"

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:32 AM
Breakfast

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:33 AM
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:33 AM
If You Don't.....


As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.

I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:34 AM
If You Love Somebody .....


(Ladies, if you want to substitute "he/him" for "she/her", be my guest! These are just as funny either way.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with." However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version.

In which category do *you* fall?




"The Original Version"

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....




"The New Versions"

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Statistician :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

Psychologist
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:35 AM
If You Love Something .....


If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:35 AM
I Know Something.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 06:36 AM
Illness

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

Phantom Blooper
01-15-04, 09:06 AM
Medical research has just discovered, that in the human body, there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the a$$hole. It is to be called the anal-optic nerve.

It is found to be responsible for giving people a sh***y outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, and need proof, pull a hair from your a$$ and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:23 PM
Old Timer's Bar

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for the happy hour prices."

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:24 PM
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

************************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:24 PM
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir,"the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

*********************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:25 PM
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it? "

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

**********************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:25 PM
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

********************************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:25 PM
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

****************************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:26 PM
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces..

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a ***** house.

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what a ***** house smells like."

****************************

thedrifter
01-15-04, 07:26 PM
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand inline again!"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:51 AM
Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
A: So they wouldn't **** during the parade.



Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.



Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.



Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.



Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled.



Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:51 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:52 AM
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.

A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"

"**** off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:53 AM
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition - the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."



One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes," replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:54 AM
A man, upon his release from prison, runs out the gates screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"

A little girl standing nearby, looks at him and says, "I'm four."

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:55 AM
I'm a Guy ...


BECAUSE I'M A GUY...

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Parenting" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

...when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

...I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is okay. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:56 AM
I'm The Boss


My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:57 AM
I'm Worried


Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:58 AM
iMac Heat Warning

Ever noticed that the iMac is a single piece of plastic around most of it? If you look closely, you will find that all of the vents for excess heat are on the bottom of the case.

If you ever have problem with your iMac, and you think the problem is heat related, rotate the case so that the vent holes are on top. That way, the heat can rise out of the case and you can continue working on your iMac.

Keep a copy of this message close at hand or search the Apple Web site for iMac Troubleshooting, by using the keyword, Hot Apple Turnover.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:58 AM
An Important Question


(Not really a joke, but worth reading.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 05:59 AM
In a Fight


I got into a fight with a really big guy and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:00 AM
In the Bible


Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls,
and a Pizza Hut coupon.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:01 AM
In the Dorm

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights ... dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the Resident Assistant noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:02 AM
In My Day .....

The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell
Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days."

Second Runner-Up:
====================
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter
we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:
===================
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.
No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the
45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the
needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because
our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we
couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those
crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in
those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner:
==================
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and
wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)


Honorable Mentions:
===================
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty,
my beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited
about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)


In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we
ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched
in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as
GKK --- GAAK! Urrgh ... Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition
on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a
giant tortoise.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)


In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope
you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and
oxygen atoms together.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)


In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

ibeth77
01-16-04, 03:08 PM
The Three Men
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied.............
"They're Carols"


College Boys
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:30 PM
Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:31 PM
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:31 PM
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if Iím ten minutes lateÖ"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minuteÖ You always say you may be ten minutes late. But youíre always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, thatís true Ė Iím superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If sheís sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if sheís lying on her back?"

George said, "Thatís when Iím ten minutes late!"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:32 PM
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:32 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:33 PM
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:34 PM
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:34 PM
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

thedrifter
01-16-04, 06:35 PM
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Phantom Blooper
01-16-04, 07:10 PM
A guy comes into a coffee shop & places his order, he says
"I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the
kitchen and says to the cook, "This guy out there just
ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does
he think, this is an auto parts store".

"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes
and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she
spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought that while you were waiting
for the flat tires and the headlights, you might want to gas up".
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
01-17-04, 06:44 AM
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at
5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month,
by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Phantom Blooper
01-17-04, 06:46 AM
A little old man was escorted into the witness box.
After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain
what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to
the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case,
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?"
said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the
leaf from the center of our dining room table."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper
01-17-04, 06:47 AM
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance.

"Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to
come downstairs quietly?

Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always
come down stairs like that."

"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."

Phantom Blooper
01-17-04, 06:48 AM
An old wild west fort is about to be attacked.
The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.

"You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the
sort
of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground...
"Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four
chiefs,
two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war
paint...many
many guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by
listening to the ground???"

"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

Phantom Blooper
01-17-04, 06:49 AM
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The
father
said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and
ran
back
to his son."What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
quiet."

The son answered:
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was
quiet
when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my
breath
when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I
didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But
when
the
two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat
them
here, or take them with us?" "Well, I just panicked."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:23 AM
In My Day ..... (a few more)


Here are a few more entries:


In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only
had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get
to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand
times, dadgummit.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one,"
"twain" and "multitudes."
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice
saying `Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and
if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the
dang way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work,"
"time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and
tell everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real
doggie-do, and no one thought it was a dang bit funny.
(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)

In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff
just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired
liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal
60-year-old guys.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:24 AM
In the Old Days...

My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had they learned how to make the wheel yet?"

I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:24 AM
In Touch With Our Bodies

(Slightly modified from the original)

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock advanced aerobics class?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and you die."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:25 AM
Inappropriate Christmas Gifts


Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm.

The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back.
Teaches children about warranties.

5,200 Pick Up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids
play a larger version of their favorite game.

The "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet".

Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets;
NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close
range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig
utility trenches.

The Laff-O-Minit Spellin' Tootor.

Doggie Dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on
the family pooch.

Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into
a spinning paint tool.

Water Retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles
of the calendar.

Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.

Islamic Strip Poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:25 AM
Insurance Dilemma


The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:26 AM
Intelligent Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in the Congress."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:27 AM
Interest in Girls


Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:27 AM
You Know You're an Internet Junkie If...

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smilies in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You
start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's
access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...
And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages."
So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at
"http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:28 AM
Interactive Taxes


Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it is April 6. You have less than 10 days to file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.

That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down -- That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times!

Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other dependents?

Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.

I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 1996?

You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max.

I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.

Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about IRA's and Keogh Plans too.

Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non- reimbursed medical expenses.

That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.

You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.

You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.

Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?

I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!

Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.

Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 1997 tax?

I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:28 AM
Internet Cleaning


TO: All Internet Users
FROM: International InetCo
POST ON: April 1
REMOVE: April 2
RE: Universal Annual Internet Cleaning


* * * A T T E N T I O N * * *
It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 1 until 11:59 p.m. GMT, April 1. During that 24-hour period, five powerful web-crawling robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet. DP managers may take the day off.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet, and use protection on your floppy.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way; don't even think about it.

5. If you inadvertently connect to the Internet during the above times, run DESANITIZE.EXE immediately. Count all your files to be sure none are missing.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

If you need a copy of DESANITIZE.EXE, it may be obtained free-of-charge at WWW.IFELL4IT.DUH

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:29 AM
The Interview

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:29 AM
In The Park

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

thedrifter
01-17-04, 07:30 AM
Inventions Which Did Not Succeed

*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards
*A dictionary index
*Mechanical pencil sharpeners
*Powdered water
*Waterproof tea bags
*The helicopter ejector seat
*The cordless extension cord

Phantom Blooper
01-18-04, 05:49 AM
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:11 AM
Stranded on an island - blonde jokes

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:12 AM
Changing Light bulb


Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:12 AM
One liners


A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".

The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"



Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?

A. A wind tunnel.



Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. You can't, they have always been like that.



Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.



Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.



Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.



Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.



Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:12 AM
On her way to Disneyland


A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:13 AM
Gorilla golfer


There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several
strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never
wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says
to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about
ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was
wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if
you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you
this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"
The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the
gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a
beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to
the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces
the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from
the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have
never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know
what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated
by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to
where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll
write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy
asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the
middle!"

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:14 AM
Bottle in Lake Ontario


A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he
spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He
picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie.
"Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask
any three wishes and I will grant them to you."

The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three
things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley
Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors
win the NBA title."

The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the
bottle.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:14 AM
Slow golfers


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year. So we
let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:15 AM
Baseball in Heaven


There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had
grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school,
high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for
professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around
the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon
moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they
retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.
However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it
would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death???
Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible,
come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.
Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St.
Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this
conversation ensued:
Joe: "Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news"
Fred: "Well, what is the good news"
Joe: "We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds
up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I
have 3rd base tomorrow night"
Fred: "THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?"
Joe: "You have the plate!"

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:16 AM
Invisible Man

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:17 AM
Irish Job Interview


A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American also applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," replied the manager.

And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager said, "It's simple. The American answered 'I don't know' to question #5. You put down 'Neither do I.'"

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:17 AM
The Irish Priest


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:18 AM
The Irish Pub


Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down; then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint, and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints.

Then he paid the bartender and left.

This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat. "Patrick", he says.

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs; but, if you wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"

"Well, you know my brothers Michael and John moved to New York".

"Aye".

"Well, I promised my brothers that I would have a pint every night in our favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the old days when we were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"

"Aye".

This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it anymore, so they ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.

So, the bartender approaches Pat, "Patrick?"

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".

"WHAT, What tragedy??"

"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".

"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think something happened to one of me brothers??"

"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something happened to one of your brothers."

"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that my Doctor said I had to take better care of myself, so I quit drinking."

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:19 AM
IRS Notice Correction


Two weeks ago the IRS sent notices to 60 million Americans informing them of a new program designed to make paying taxes much easier. Unfortunately the notices had inaccurate information printed on them. The erroneous portion of the notice stated, "If you would like to make paying your taxes easier, then send us a check that is equal to 50% of all of your current cash holdings and assets." The IRS claims that this statement is incorrect.

The notice was supposed to say "Send us a check that is equal to 100% of all of your current cash holdings and assets."

The IRS apologizes for any inconvenience that may have been caused by this mistake.

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:19 AM
IRS Questions


This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special list of the strangest of these calls.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:20 AM
Isn't It Good?


Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived.

"Isn't it good?" I asked.

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

thedrifter
01-18-04, 08:20 AM
ISP's and Cable TV


TV stations are starting to provide INTERNET access, but could you imagine if INTERNET Service Providers were to provide CABLE?

All the most popular shows would just 'slow down' just because there were too many people watching it at once.

When you change channels, there'd be a 5 to 10 second wait with an hourglass on the screen while the next channel is connected to. The more people watching a show, the longer the hourglass stays there.

There'd be a "back" button on the remote so you can take another look at what you just watched.

Sometimes your TV will complain it cannot "FIND" what you're looking for.

You'd be able to make your TV store the things you like, until it gets too full, then you'd have to delete a few things.

There'd be an arrow on the screen blocking the view, and you'd have to slide your remote control around on the coffee table just to change channels.

When you complain that you cannot connect your tv and get cable, or that the Hourglass is just staying on the screen all the time, they'd say: "Well, were busy now, that's the way it goes."

You'd be able to instantly be able to send messages to anyone else with a TV. The downside of that is that ADVERTISERS would be able to instantly send messages to everyone for free as well.

They would advertise, "All the TV you can watch for $20 a month!"

If you're having poor reception, the technical staff at the station would suggest trying to reconnect again, turning your TV OFF and then ON again, Blaming the problem on you, Getting you to re-program your TV, and then telling you that your TV just isn't good enough and to buy one ten times as fast for about $3000.

New software for your TV will make it run slower and require hardware upgrades.

After about 1.5 years, your TV would be completely useless for watching, and you'd have to go out and buy another TV for about $2500 dollars.

You'd have to hire a high school kid to help you set up and connect your TV.

They'd take one good COAX cable and split it up into 10000 smaller slower cables, 1 to each customer.

If you have 2 TV's, you'd be able to connect them and have your own Network.

The NEWS would be only 5% relevant, full of ads,and messages from people sending, "me too" messages.

You could pay a lot for a TV now, or you could wait a few months for the price to go down.

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:31 AM
It's A Boy!


One of the single girls from work came to the office one morning and began passing out candy bars all tied up with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she joyfully announced, "It's a boy! Six feet tall, 200 pounds!"

And then she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:31 AM
It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:32 AM
Its Got To Be Love


An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."

The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:33 AM
It's My Funeral

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:33 AM
It Won't Fly


My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground. I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic..

He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:34 AM
I've Got To Be Dead

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand & she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together & talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:34 AM
Jacob and Rebecca


Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob:"You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:35 AM
Japanese Quality


This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards:

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:35 AM
Jargon of the 90's

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CRAPPLET - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404."

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The Electronic Traveller. (Like when you type rm -Rf *, and realize you are in /, and not in the directory you thought you were in.)

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is
ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

UMFRIEND - A relationship of dubious standing. "This is Dale, my ... um ... friend ..."

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys to initiate certain computer commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:36 AM
Jeopardy! for Canucks


It's well known that the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, is Canadian. I wonder how he'd react to a fellow Canadian contestant, though:

Canuck: "The Eiffel tower."
Trebek: "Please state your answer in the form of a question."
Canuck: "The Eiffel tower, eh?"

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:37 AM
Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:37 AM
The Job Interview

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:38 AM
Joggers


A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.

He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir? It's 8:45."

thedrifter
01-19-04, 05:38 AM
Jogging Shoes


Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

Phantom Blooper
01-19-04, 09:38 PM
The Queen & the President


At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out
to Air Force One and
President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen
Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th
century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed
a glorious display of
pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous,
earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach
immediately filled with noxious
fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole
incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with
which to handle a most
embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you
understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another
thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have assumed it
was one of the horses."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:21 AM
Ice fishing


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:21 AM
Hurting all over


A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:22 AM
First class blonde


A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...
The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....
The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....
The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....
The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:22 AM
Job interview


A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:23 AM
Perfect shot


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed.
He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in *!#" of hitting
her from here!"

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:23 AM
Dead golfer


Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend,
"I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand
that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all
the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you
considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.
"Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The
difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after
every stroke."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:24 AM
Jesus and Moses playing golf


Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on Earth. The course they were
on had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that
Jesus could make the shot over the water.
"Ah no, Moses, I think I can do it," explained Jesus. "I've seen Arnold
Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed
into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve
his ball. Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he
can do it, then so can I."
True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses
parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the
water for you again."
"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer
make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the
water to get it. Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw
Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is,
Jesus Christ?"
"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:25 AM
Big tree


A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about
to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no,
he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating
how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your
age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed
before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into
the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot
from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,
"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:25 AM
Joining the Army


As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:26 AM
Jonah

A father picked up his six year old girl from Sunday School and asked. "What did you learn today?"

"Daddy, I learned about Jonah."

"What did you you learn about Jonah, sweetheart."

"He was swallowed by a big fish and ..... and lived there for three days and then .... then the big fish spit him up on the beach ..... alive," she replied.

"Now sweetheart," he said, "you don't believe that that really happened, do you?''

"Yes ... yes ... I do Daddy, it's true, it's true."

"Why do you believe it's true."

"Because the Bible says it is so it's true, it's true, Daddy."

"Well, sweetie, what if you're wrong and it's not true?"

"Daddy, I'll just have to ask Jonah when I get to heaven."

"But sweetie. If it isn't true, maybe Jonah isn't in heaven. What if he is in hell."

Then, Daddy, you will have to ask him!"

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:27 AM
Journalistic Ethics

From a questionnaire on journalistic ethics: "If you had the choice of saving someone from drowning or taking a prize-winning photogragh, what type of film would you use?"

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:27 AM
Judi's Cake

Judi and Amanpreet have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Amanpreet came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office to their home for dinner on Friday.

Judi is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Amanpreet explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," Judi weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," Amanpreet says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," Judi cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:28 AM
Jump Start

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.

thedrifter
01-20-04, 07:29 AM
Junk Email


The Good Clean Fun web site has over 1000 jokes posted on it. Sometime
last year, I posted one called "Job Resumes". (You can find it in the
Joke Archive under "J"). All it did was tell of actual statements from
real resumes. It is obviously a joke and not a real resume in any sense
of the word. In fact, here is a small part of what was in that posting:

> REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
>
>--Responsibility makes me nervous.
>--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
> Couldn't work under those conditions.
>--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
> cockroaches.
>--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
>--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
> employers.

I received an email from a company, don't worry about the name, I'll
provide their entire email in a bit. This company apparently is designed
to help people with "job opportunities on the web", however it is very
clear that they don't do any research before they send their emails.
If they had, they wouldn't have thought that my "resume" was real!
Anyway, here is what was sent to me. I've left their company name and
web address in tact. Stupidity needs to be identified for all to see!


>Hi,
>
>We reviewed your resume at http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/resumes.htm
and think
>you would be a good candidate for BridgePath.
>
>BridgePath is located at http://www.bridgepath.com
>
>Please visit our web site and sign up for job opportunities
>on the web. Its a great way to augment your job searching efforts.
>
>Depending on your interests, you may receive announcements
>directly from recruiters at top consulting firms, software
>and hardware companies, investment banks, Fortune 500
>companies, and law firms. Most importantly, you will only
>get those announcements that are most suited to you.
>
>Good luck in your job hunt!
>
>Regards,
>
>David Lawrence
>http://www.bridgepath.com
>
>P.S. Feel free to forward this e-mail to anyone you think
>could benefit from BridgePath.


I personally have never bought anything which was unsolicited
(via snail-mail or email) and I never intend to do so. If Bridgepath
takes exception to my posting this, let me just say, "Hey, you sent
it to me without my asking. I figure that I can do anything with your
email that I desire!"

Take care, everyone, and be careful! Stupidity is everywhere you turn!

Phantom Blooper
01-20-04, 07:45 PM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

************
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second
man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."
***********
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Super Sex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Super Sex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."

************
ROMANCE
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated,
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he
threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"

*************
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec
room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
*************
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long
time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

:banana:

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:24 AM
Dead birdie


One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,
the blonde's friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up
and said, Where?

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:24 AM
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

.

.

.

.

.

.


A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:25 AM
Raking leaves


A: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?
.

.

.

.

.

.


A: She fell out of the tree.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:25 AM
Blondes and bear bottles


A: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

.

.

.

.

.

.


A: Both are empty from the neck up.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:26 AM
Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III


10. The third Gogh around

9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer

8. The last supper

7. Ear-reconcilable differences

6. Grazing Bull

5. You wanna piece of me?

4. Blood, Sweat and Ears

3. Lobe's labor lost

2. Bite of the century

1. Why? Because I lobe it

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:26 AM
Hot at Phillies games


Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:27 AM
An Irishman on a baseball game in US


Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:27 AM
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating USA in the World Series


10. French baseball chatter very disorienting

9. U.S. players get sleepy standing through two national anthems.

8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning zombies

7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax

6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer.

5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more.

4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "win one for Lorne Greene".

3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians.

2. Let's face it--we're a bunch of "Hosers."

1. Those silly mountie umpires

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:28 AM
Junk Science


A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:29 AM
Jury Deliberation

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:30 AM
Jury Duty 1


I just came off of jury duty. None of us was thrilled to spend hours and hours waiting around in a boring waiting room to see if you'd get selected. There was a rather smug college professor who REALLY didn't want to be there. When the judge was asking questions of the prospective jurors, concerning our abilities to judge fairly among the witnesses on both sides, the college professor said, "I don't believe in the justice system of this state, and I should be relieved."

I guess he thought he'd be sent home ...

The judge was not impressed, to say the least and said, "I find you in contempt of this court. I sentence you to spend one week in this courtroom. You will serve your sentence between the hours of 9 am and 4:30 pm, and may go to have your lunch as the court stipulates from day to day. I think your opinion of our justice system will change. If you fail to carry out your sentence, you will spend one week in jail. You may now sit down, professor ...

The rest of us were tempted to applaud, but thought better of it.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:30 AM
Jury Duty 2


As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:31 AM
Jury Duty 3


A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:31 AM
Jury Duty 4

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:32 AM
Jury Duty 5

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

thedrifter
01-21-04, 06:33 AM
Jury Duty 6


Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:17 AM
Blonde and lawyer quizz


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:17 AM
Coke machine


There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:18 AM
The dog


A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, " poor thing look at the dog with one eye."
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says "where?"

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:18 AM
The Genie


A blonde was walking along the beach when she finds an old bottle floating in the water. The blonde goes over and picks it up and notices a cork in the top of the bottle. She pulls out the cork and a genie pops out.
"Thankyou for letting me out after 10000 years, stuck in that bottle and to say thankyou I will give you 3 wishes.
The blonde thinks for a little while and finally decides on her first wish.
"I would like to be 10% smarter"
The genie does her magic and she is turned into a red head.
"I don't think I am smart enough yet, I would like to be 100% smarter than what I am"
So the Genie does her magic a second time and she turns in to a brunette.
"I don't think I am smart enough yet I would like to be 1000% smarter than what I am"
So the genie turns her into a man!

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:19 AM
Thoughtfulness


The regular foursome teed off on time that Saturday morning. On the second hole Joe noticed a funeral procession going by and stopped, held his hat over his heart and bowed his head. His partners noticed and complimented Joe on his thoughtfulness. "She was a good wife for 40 years," replied Joe.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:19 AM
Top ten reasons why the Dallas Cowboys lost to San Francisco


10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.

9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.

8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.

7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."

6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.

5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.

4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!

3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams [During a "Supermarket Finds" segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams].

2. What a time to notice -- them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!

1. Tired of going to Disneyland.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:19 AM
Notre Dame


A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:20 AM
Texas crime ring


Q: What's another name for a Texas Crime Ring?

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A: A Dallas Cowboys Huddle.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:21 AM
Jury Exemption

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:21 AM
A Jury Full of Lawyers


A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


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thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:22 AM
Jury Selection

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:22 AM
Just Hanging Out


A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was attending. "I'm worried," she said. "I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:23 AM
Just a Little Help


The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:23 AM
Just a Warning


As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist, informed that he had failed to come to a full stop at a stop sign, was handed a ticket.

"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.

The officer replied, "Sure. Here's your warning: If you don't come to a complete stop next time, I'll give you another ticket."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:24 AM
Just Desserts


An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid for a particular job.

He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a can of juice.

The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, so the salesman lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB's pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:24 AM
Just Following Orders

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:25 AM
Just Like Mommy

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:26 AM
Just Like You

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:26 AM
Just Speak Louder

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started yelling at me for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

thedrifter
01-22-04, 07:43 AM
"Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers"

This one is for all of who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Phantom Blooper
01-22-04, 04:27 PM
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and
socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to
meet for dinner at a different neighbors house each month. Of course the
lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and
Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted
to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of
them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got
out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was
more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to
have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go
down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of
them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that,
because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time
and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Susie decided to
give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them,
sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then
she went out on the back porch and got Ole Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and
gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make
them
tasty.
Old Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long
Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come
out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her
head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to
gossip a bit.
About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in

Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie
went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor
and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we
can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as
quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything

will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm." It wasn't long
until
they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the
road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a
stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter.
One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out
their
stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I
think everything will be fine now, and he left.
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that
ran over Old Spot never even stopped."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:06 AM
Horseback riding


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................................the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:07 AM
Grenade


What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

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Run! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:07 AM
Television


A blonde walks into a circuit store. She goes to the back and asks the clerk "Can I have this T.V.?" He said "No." "Why not?" asked the blonde. "Because your a dumb blonde."

She comes back the next day with a new hair color. She again asked the same clerk if she could have that same T.V.. He again said no. When she asked why he responded "Because that's not a T.V., that is a microwave.

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:08 AM
Geometry


A blonde is taking a test for a job. The examiner asks some questions for general culture.
"Do you know miss which is the boiling temperature of water?"
"I am not sure"
"Miss, either you know it or you don't know it"
"I am not sure"
"The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!"
"Mmmm. I see. It's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees!"

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:08 AM
High flying

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control receive her call for help and answers back:

"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position"

"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front"

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:09 AM
Jerry Jones mad at Leon Lett


Q: Why was Jerry Jones mad at Leon Lett?

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A. Because he chose coke over Pepsi.

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:09 AM
Big box


"Out there at Kennedy Airport, they confiscated $12 million worth of cocaine. The cops became suspicious when they saw a big box addressed to Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin."

-David Letterman

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:10 AM
Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba


Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked:
"By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?""159", said Slim.
"Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around."

"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said:
"Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?"
"141", said Billy-Bob.
"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."
"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked:
"What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"
"58" said Bubba.
Punching him on the arm, Einstein said:
"Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!"

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:10 AM
Football fan


Two boys were playing football in a park when one is attacked by aRottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the boy replied.

"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Packers fan."

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:11 AM
Just Punishment


A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:11 AM
Just Wait


A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:12 AM
Justice System

These aren't really true . . .

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.

This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:13 AM
Kangaroos


A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:13 AM
Keeping Your Word


There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:14 AM
K.G.B. Headquarters


The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an
enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his
firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece
of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and
leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my
vegetable patch plowed."

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:14 AM
Kids and Cliches


I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

thedrifter
01-23-04, 07:15 AM
Kid-Speak


Some grade school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

*The future of "I give" is "I take."

*The parts of speech are lungs and air.

*The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

*A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

*Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

*(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

*A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

*The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

*A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

*Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

*The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

*We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

*One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

*A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

*One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

*To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

*The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

*The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

*Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

*The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

*Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

*The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

*In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

*Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

*In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

*A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phantom Blooper
01-23-04, 10:02 PM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"





The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:30 AM
I Can't Swim

There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming "HELP."

Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong.

She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde in the boat replied, "I lost the oars and don't know how to get out of here. Can you help me?"

The second blonde replied, "I would but I can't swim!"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:30 AM
Three Blondes on an Island

There were three Blondes on a tiny Island. They all wanted to get off the Island but none of them knew how. So one day a genie came along and granted each one a wish.

The first one wished to become intelligent enough to get off the Island. So the genie turned her into a redhead and she swam off.

The next one said: "That's cool, I want to get more intelligent than her. "The genie turned her into a Brunette and she built a boat and sailed off.

The third Blonde was really impressed and wanted to become even more intelligent. So the genie turned her into a man, who used the bridge.

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:31 AM
Intelligence

Q:What do you call a blonde with hair dyed brunette
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A: Artificial Intelligence

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:32 AM
Desert

Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had to go to the desert and take one thing.

The brunette took a water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the blonde took a car-door.

They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came up to them and said to the Brunette, "why have you got a water bottle?" The Brunette replied," To drink water!"

They asked the redhead,"why do you have an umbrella?" She said,"Because if it gets hot I can have some shade."

Then they asked the blonde," Why do you have a car-door?" She replied," If it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window!"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:32 AM
Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin in a meeting


Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:
"Michael" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on."
"What do you recommend boss?"
"From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:33 AM
More Cowboys fun


Michael Irvin recently demanded a trade from the Cowboys to the Eagles, because he wanted the crack in the Liberty Bell.

Q: Why is Michael Irvin like a social disease?

.

.

.

.

.

A: He's embarrassing, he goes away for a few weeks but then comes back, and he responds well to drugs.



Q: If Michael Irvin, Leon Lett, and Erik Williams are riding in a car, who's driving?

.

.

.

.

.

A: The cop.



Bumper sticker seen on a police car in the Dallas, Texas area: GO COWBOYS!...and take the Mavericks with you.



The Cowboys employ scouts. But not to watch other teams. To look out for cops.

--The Miami Herald



The joke in Big D these days is that the 'Boys go out on the town wearing three championship rings and a home-confinement bracelet.

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:33 AM
Did you?

There's a man stranded on a desert island and one day a lady gets washed up onto shore. They get to talk and get to know each other. Later on that day the woman asks him 'I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded here did you?'

And the man replies, 'Yes.' So she produces from her bag a cigarette and they smoke together.

A little while later she says to him, 'I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded did you?'

The man says, 'yes.' The woman produces a flask from her bag and they drink.

More time passes and the woman says, 'So you've been on this island for 10 years without a woman huh?'

The man replies ' Yes'.

The woman says, 'I don't suppose you'd like to play around.'

The man shouts, 'Good God lady, you have a set of clubs in that bag too!'

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:34 AM
A pile of fish

A group of guys went fishing. After each had enjoyed their catch they were sitting around chatting about the number of fish each caught.

Kent said he caught 10,
Randell said he caught 15,
Homer said he caught 28,
Winston remained quiet for a moment then said without counting "I think I have so many I can't put "em in one pile!"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:34 AM
Football tickets

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:35 AM
Kids Talk About Love (Part 1)


THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE
IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still
going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.
You might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure
it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me."
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.
But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad
that they finally got it out and said it and now
they can go eat."
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you
feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric
heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your
Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.
But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name.
That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"When a person gets kissed for the first time,
they fall down and they don't get up for at least
an hour."
Wendy, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds
somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume
and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell,
I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already
in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me.
I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody
to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last
a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world,
but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs
don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love.
I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:35 AM
Kids Talk About Love (Part 2)


WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her
back to her parents."
Eric, 6

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you
try the next one."
Kelly, 9

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you
can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
Carolyn, 8

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave
them a chance to find out about their values."
Lottie, 9

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with
a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
Kally, 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on TV."
Anita, 6

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."
Carey, 7

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry
if their parents are right there."
Manuel, 8

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:36 AM
Kids Talk About Love, Part 3

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER!!! by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to
be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date.
-Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
-Ricky, age 10

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:37 AM
Kitchen Humor


A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious!

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:37 AM
Kittens


A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:38 AM
Knitting


Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:38 AM
Knowledge is Power

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:39 AM
Know Your Math!


Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:39 AM
Kosher Food Dictionary

*Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

*Matzoh: The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

*Kasha Varnishkes: One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

*Blintzes: Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.Y. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe suzette (I can't spell).

*Kishka: You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

*Kreplach: It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

*Cholent: This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard the comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans, "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests. She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

*Gefilte Fish: A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

*Bagels: How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

thedrifter
01-24-04, 07:40 AM
Lamaze Class


A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Phantom Blooper
01-24-04, 02:49 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

This time, when the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi Heather, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania,and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
:banana:

yellowwing
01-24-04, 08:00 PM
Three women are the last ones competing for good position in the company. The manager decides to give them all an ethics test as the last hurdle.

He asks all three, "What would you do if you found $5,000 on the sidewalk?"

The first one says, "Turn the money over to the police."

The second one replies, "I'd take out an ad in the classifieds. If no one answers, I'd keep it."

The third one says, "I'd look around to see if anyone dropped it, than keep it."

Guess who the manager selected for the job? The one with the biggest t*ts of course!

Phantom Blooper
01-25-04, 08:27 AM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.



On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.



I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.



The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.



Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.



"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."



"You know where the button Is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.



"Reset it yourself!"



"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"



There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."



So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.



Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.



It is the last action I remember performing...



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.



It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating



dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws



I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.



The impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.



Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter........and not succeeding.



Somehow I lived through it all.



A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
Which it was.



"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"



(Not exactly!)

Phantom Blooper
01-25-04, 08:38 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.


People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists whoinvite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antiquepocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on thisantique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."





He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,breaking into a hundred pieces.

" $h*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:39 AM
Stolen engine

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:39 AM
Allergic

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

"Okay sure. I'll be right back."

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

"Why did you do that?" asked the boyfriend.

She replies "Because I'm allergic to chocolate."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:40 AM
Final Examination

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within
half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it
out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my
answers."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:40 AM
Breast stroke competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:40 AM
Sick and tired

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his
wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing
a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:41 AM
Football tickets

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:41 AM
Limping

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:42 AM
Alabama Fan

Two boys are playing football in Huntsville, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a big board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.

A Reporter was strolling by, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Alabama Crimson Tide Fan Rescues Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Alabama Crimson Tide fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Huntsville, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he starts again. "Little Auburn Tigers Fan Rescues Friend From Deathly Attack" he continued in his notebook. "I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone that lived in the Alabama area was either for Alabama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:42 AM
Failing your classes

Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. "Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play."

"Give me a break, coach!" pleads the jock.

"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?"

The jock counts on his fingers, "one, two, three,... The answer must be four!"

"Did you say four?" asks the excited coach.

"Sure did, Coach!"

As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, "Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!"

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:43 AM
Baseball Trades

The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments:

Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): "Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?"

Josh (Mudville Manager): "We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record. Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers, our right-fielder and our 1st baseman."

Andy: "That's quite a few. Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?"

Josh: "Well, it's simple. We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation. The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games. He never was provoked. The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season. What will people think? As for the right-fielder, I might give him a second chance; but all he could really catch last year, was a cold."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:43 AM
Liverpool Fan

Q. Why should you never hit a Liverpool fan on a bike??
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A. It might be your bike!!

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:44 AM
Land Ho!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to 1803, and he had to spend three months running it down.

After sending the information to FHA, he got this reply: "We received your letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1802, and therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back of that year.

Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case No. 189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803. The title to the land was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she sold her jewels to help Columbus. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope you are satisfied."

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:44 AM
Land of Oz


Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

thedrifter
01-25-04, 08:45 AM
Languages


A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."