Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Hurricane Survival Quiz

1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them

2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling
West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH
leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would
they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop
and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West

4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see
a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing you think?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills.
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!

5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way

6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings

7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Duct tape

8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed
to be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap into the eye, of another area
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach

10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or Florida's
mountains
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft

12. Why should you not stay close to the beach
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves

13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...
a. stare; it's impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d. ask if it's seen Dorothy and Toto

14. What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
b. It can't see you any more
c. You can expect the nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
d. It winks and waves good-bye

15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to
your computer

16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can't afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn't care)
d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)

17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Call girls/guys (prey the rebuilding begins soon)

18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you
need no emergency help

[thedrifter]

Hurry Up!

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[thedrifter]

Husbands and Wives

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds : "Husband wanted."

The next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy ?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"

"And what was he before you married him?",asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

[thedrifter]

Hut-2-3-4....

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

[thedrifter]

I am Thankful

I AM THANKFUL...

...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.

[thedrifter]

IBM 3090/VM

Why I like the IBM 3090:

First, there's the wonderful operating system, VM/SP which has SO many advantages! Here are some of my favorites!

1. All of your files are in the same directory, you don't have to worry about subdirectories and other nonsense,

2. For file names, not only do you get a file name, but you also get a file type AND a file mode, with the name and type each being an astounding 8 characters, plus a 2 character file mode, way more than I ever had on my Apple II,

3. If you create a small file, it automatically makes sure it takes up one 4K block on your disk, so you can add up to 4K of data to the same file and not take any more disk space!!! WOW!!!!!

4. When you get an account you get an ENTIRE cylinder to yourself, an amazing 465K, which is more than my 5 1/4 inch, single sided, low density PC disk,

5. If a FORTRAN file is too long (250 lines) to compile on your disk because the temp files fill up your cylinder, all you have to do is unlink your A disk, create a big temporary disk, attach that as your A disk, attach your old A disk as another disk, copy the source file to the new A disk, then compile it,

6. You never have to worry about background processes, redirection, or piping because the 3090 doesn't have any! Or command histories!

7. Or here (WSU) we are privileged to have RESLIM, which makes sure that you don't use any more CPU time than you want to or have to,

8. We also have system administrators who also make sure we don't use more CPU than we have to, not to mention they tell us what we can and can not do, and what they think they legally can and can not do, such as maintenance on our accounts to make sure there is nothing wrong with any of our personal files,

9. If any files have sat in your reader/mailbox too long, they will automatically be discarded for you,

10. And finally, all of the USEFUL on-line help! All you have to know is the name of the command and whether it is in CP or CMS or SOFTWARE or one of the other help menus, and you can get a GREAT description of that command AND some examples how to use it like you would want to every day!

Not only is the operating system fantastic, they have an AWESOME full screen editor, XEDIT. Boy, it's quite a step up from EDLIN on my PC! Just look how powerful it is:

1. If you want to move your cursor to the middle of the screen, all you do is hold down the arrow keys until you get there.

2. If you wanna delete a whole bunch of characters in the middle of the line all you have to do is hold down the DELETE key until they all magically disappear.

3. If you wanna insert something, all you do is hit the INSERT key and type in what you want, unless it's too long for that line, then all you gotta do is split the line where you want by using the PF11 key, which if you are on a VT100 is just an ESC minus sign.

4. After you do any commands in that neat prefix area, your cursor almost always goes back to the command line at the bottom of the screen.

5. You never have to worry about anything nasty like tab keys, there are no tab stops by default (unless you wanna set them).

6. And, unless you tell it otherwise, XEDIT always creates fixed length lines of 80 characters, so if you ever want to put more stuff on the same line sometime later, there is room for it!!

Add to all of this such things as COBOL, disk linking, EBCDIC character set (I mean who says J should follow I?), and even some AWESOME graphics capabilities, and you'll have to agree that the IBM 3090 is the system for me!!!!

[thedrifter]

Ice Cream is Good for the Soul


Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen."

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

[thedrifter]

Q: What is the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress does not meet every year to make death worse.

[thedrifter]

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie.............

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon................

The moral of the story...............?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached..........!!!!!

[thedrifter]

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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"

"Well", said the guy, "you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!"

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, the guy replied. I work for the IRS. Do you see me ****ing the guy in front of me?"



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[thedrifter]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[thedrifter]

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One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Paul up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Paul. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Paul replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope for.

There is only one thing that I don't understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

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Bob goes to his friend to ask for advice. Bob tells the friend he is to be audited by the IRS, and is wondering how he shoud dress. Should he wear a suit, so as to look professional, or should he wear old raggedy clothes so that he looks like he has no money and hope that the IRS takes pity on him.

The friend responds, "I'm going to tell you what I told my niece when she was getting married. She came to me and asked if she should wear the most beautiful dress she could find, of if she would be better off wearing a plainer, more subtle dress. I told her, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed either way."



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[thedrifter]

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, "Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.

Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"

"I am an IRS agent," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"

The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask an IRS agent to "give" you anything, you fools!"



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[thedrifter]

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.Ê The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."



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[thedrifter]

Letter To The IRS: Creative Computing

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned to fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.

Sincerely,

I. Getscrewed Everyear

[thedrifter]

Ice Fishing

This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there.

Guy goes to another spot and drills.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either.

Guy tries a third spot.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either.

Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager.

[thedrifter]

Identifying College Students

How To Recognize The Year Of College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

[thedrifter]

Idiots Are Everywhere!

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar



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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.



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A customer at a sandwich shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said,"Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."



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Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"



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Idiots in the Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.



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Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



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Idiots In Food Services:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the clerk behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.



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Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

[thedrifter]

If . . . .

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

[thedrifter]

If At First You Don't Succeed...


Midway through the installation of a network backbone for this plant -- half a mile of 10 Gbit/sec. optical fiber -- the wiring contractor informs the Customer Rep that there's a problem: Someone has run a pallet jack over the fiber trunk while it was lying on the floor.

"After some discussion as to why no one was watching the cable and stopping that from happening," says the Rep, "it is decided to continue the pull, and the contractor will have to replace whatever doesn't work."

Half an hour later, the Rep gets another message: Someone has run over the fiber again -- this time with a full-size, three-ton-plus lift truck.

But this time, the contractor had an employee watching the cable.

"Why did you let someone run over the cable?" asks exasperated Customer Rep.

Answers contractor's lookout: "I thought it was OK, since it was run over before."

[thedrifter]

If Cats Performed "CATS"


"Cats" is one of the longest-running shows on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits one of America's most popular pets. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

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1. Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

2. The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

3. Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not - depending on their mood.

4. Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

5. When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.

6. In the middle of a performance, various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

7. For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

8. A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission. (Yuck!)

9. Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

10. Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet?

11. Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

12. The stage would be stained from coughed up hairballs.

13. Performers would find the sand in the lobby ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

14. The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

15. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

16. The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole and stray strands of dental floss.

17. Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

18. Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

[thedrifter]

If I Die First...


Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house- sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

[Phantom Blooper]

Save a Life


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a few seconds, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe? " The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[Phantom Blooper]

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five s***s you take during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your
tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate
results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash
the toilet water all over your a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right
now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Phantom Blooper]

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in
the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen over. These two guys
go out on the lake with their guns, a Dog and of course the new Vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make
some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys
to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something
a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little
more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new
Navigator
comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they
want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they
are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take
the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and
possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. "Remember a
couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the
DOG!!

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it,
the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about
the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms
and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One
of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded
with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops
for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and
this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to
yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his
master.

Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the
bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots
standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!! And you thought your
day was not going well!!

[Phantom Blooper]

A Mormon bishop was seated next to a Marine on a flight to San Diego.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Bishopif he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, " I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen *****s than to let liquor touch my lips."
The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice:banana:

[thedrifter]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?"

The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT."

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."

The waiter asks, "SECRET?"

The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

-----------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
-----------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[thedrifter]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "You'll wake-up my mother!"

[thedrifter]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He spies a lovely looking creature sitting at a table on her own and decides to make a move.

He goes over and says, 'Hi, I've got something I'd like to show you', and sits down next to her.

He looks harmless enough and she decides to play along, 'Whats that then?', she enquires.

'It's my watch. It can tell me everything I need to know about someone just by looking at it.'

That's bollocks!' she retorts.

'No, really, its true!' He then stares intently at his watch for a few second and then says, 'For instance, I can tell by my watch that you're not wearing any underwear.'

She grins smugly and says ' Well, that's where you're wrong, I do have underwear on.'

The man looks back at his watch, with a puzzled look on his face. A second later the puzzled expression is slowly replaced by a grin of recognition and he says 'I know what it is, I set my watch ten minutes fast this morning!!'

[thedrifter]

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal ?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow !" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy ? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well..." Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

[thedrifter]

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

[thedrifter]

A horny man is walking through a park, and notices a wino passed out on a park bench. Temptation overcomes him, and he decides to 'have his way' with the wino. After he finishes, he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into the pocket of the wino's pants.

The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his pocket. He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine you've got!" The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the wino pays for it and leaves. He then spends the rest of the day back at his bench drinking.

That night after the wino passed out, the horny man walked by again, and repeated the cycle from the night before. The next morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.

This whole process continued nightly for over a week. One night, after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's pocket.

The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.

The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get $5.00 of our cheapest wine?"

To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"

[thedrifter]

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

[thedrifter]

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

[thedrifter]

Night Guard
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

[thedrifter]

Comeback
This is a portion Of a radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

[Phantom Blooper]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."


He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."


At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Phantom Blooper]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think about this...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect woman against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers

[thedrifter]

The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

[thedrifter]

Frog

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!! ? " the frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my a**!

[thedrifter]

Bang!

2 brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning. They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite brew and head out for a day of hunting. They had their special field that they went to every time, but for the past few weeks their spot was really slow. Today they decided they would give it another chance. They sat in their field for hours without seing a single bird. They finished their beer and were getting vey bored. They decided that it was time to find a new spot. So Ralph and Dexter stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they seen this field behind an old farmhouse just full of geese. The brothers new that they would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used paper, rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask. So Dexter lost and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited behind. When Dexter got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he had a favor to ask of Dexter before they started hunting. The farmer said, "my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the heart to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me." For the opportunity to hunt in the field Dexter said that it would be no problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed for the barn. Ralph came running behind Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter ha a pretty good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young, naive little brother and said,"that bastard farmer won't let us hunt in his field so i'm gonna teach him a lesson." "What are ya gonna do, Dexter." "I'm gonna shoot one of his horses." So Dexter Walked into the barn, took aim and "BANG", shot the horse. Next thing was "BANG! BANG! Let's get out of here Dexter, I just shot two more."

[thedrifter]

Lottery Winner

There's this guy who's sitting in the bar he order's two pints at a time he drink's one of the pint's pours the other between his legs the waitress come's around again asks the guy if he'd like two more beer's,he replies yes two more pint's she bring's him two more pint's she then noticed that he drank one of the pint's and poured the other between his legs she asks him what are you doing sir "he say's"Well miss I just won the 649 Lottery and this is the only PRICK I'm sharing it with.

[thedrifter]

Drink Fast

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

[thedrifter]

Well Done

There was this man who was supposed to go out on a business meeting but instead went to a bar with a friend. The man got soo drunk he vomited all over himself. So he's sitting there, crying to the bartender and the bartender say to the guy, "why don't you stick $20 in your pocket, go home and tell your wife that you went into this bar for one drink after the meeting and this drunk ran across the bar and throws up all over you. So the man goes home, tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, She says to his husband, I don't get it, there's $40 in here, The man say, honey, you won't believe it but he **** in my pants too.

[thedrifter]

Honey

My wife came with instructions. Plenty of instructions. She instructed me on how to do everything all over again. And she was quick to point out all my faults. I only came with two instructions......to show her how to use a beer opener...and how to pick up the empties.

[thedrifter]

Fright Night

I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright .....but There is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.

[thedrifter]

One of the Best

True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

[thedrifter]

The Other Side

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment.He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday." Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours exept he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday." Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son exept he swept flors for a realestate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real dissapointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has sevral boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."

[thedrifter]

Devil

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[thedrifter]

Devil or God?

One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris... to his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn't!!"

[thedrifter]

Breakfast

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[thedrifter]

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.

[thedrifter]

If You Don't.....


As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.

I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

[thedrifter]

If You Love Somebody .....


(Ladies, if you want to substitute "he/him" for "she/her", be my guest! These are just as funny either way.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with." However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version.

In which category do *you* fall?




"The Original Version"

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....




"The New Versions"

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Statistician :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

Psychologist
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

[thedrifter]

If You Love Something .....


If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.

[thedrifter]

I Know Something.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

[thedrifter]

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

[Phantom Blooper]

Medical research has just discovered, that in the human body, there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the a$$hole. It is to be called the anal-optic nerve.

It is found to be responsible for giving people a sh***y outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, and need proof, pull a hair from your a$$ and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye

[thedrifter]

Old Timer's Bar

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for the happy hour prices."

[thedrifter]

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

************************

[thedrifter]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir,"the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

*********************

[thedrifter]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it? "

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

**********************

[thedrifter]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

********************************

[thedrifter]

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

****************************

[thedrifter]

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces..

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a ***** house.

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what a ***** house smells like."

****************************

[thedrifter]

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand inline again!"

[thedrifter]

Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
A: So they wouldn't **** during the parade.



Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.



Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.



Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.



Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled.



Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

[thedrifter]

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.

A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"

"**** off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

[thedrifter]

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition - the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."



One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes," replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

[thedrifter]

A man, upon his release from prison, runs out the gates screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"

A little girl standing nearby, looks at him and says, "I'm four."

[thedrifter]

I'm a Guy ...


BECAUSE I'M A GUY...

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Parenting" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

...when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

...I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is okay. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

[thedrifter]

I'm The Boss


My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[thedrifter]

I'm Worried


Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

[thedrifter]

iMac Heat Warning

Ever noticed that the iMac is a single piece of plastic around most of it? If you look closely, you will find that all of the vents for excess heat are on the bottom of the case.

If you ever have problem with your iMac, and you think the problem is heat related, rotate the case so that the vent holes are on top. That way, the heat can rise out of the case and you can continue working on your iMac.

Keep a copy of this message close at hand or search the Apple Web site for iMac Troubleshooting, by using the keyword, Hot Apple Turnover.

[thedrifter]

An Important Question


(Not really a joke, but worth reading.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

[thedrifter]

In a Fight


I got into a fight with a really big guy and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

[thedrifter]

In the Bible


Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls,
and a Pizza Hut coupon.

[thedrifter]

In the Dorm

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights ... dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the Resident Assistant noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.

[thedrifter]

In My Day .....

The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell
Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days."

Second Runner-Up:
====================
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter
we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:
===================
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.
No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the
45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the
needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because
our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we
couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those
crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in
those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner:
==================
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and
wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)


Honorable Mentions:
===================
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty,
my beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited
about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)


In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we
ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched
in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as
GKK --- GAAK! Urrgh ... Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition
on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a
giant tortoise.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)


In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope
you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and
oxygen atoms together.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)


In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

[ibeth77]

The Three Men
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied.............
"They're Carols"


College Boys
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

[thedrifter]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[thedrifter]

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

[thedrifter]

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

[thedrifter]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

[thedrifter]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

[thedrifter]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was