Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Government Contracting Dictionary

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

[thedrifter]

Government Employees


A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 1

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines.

One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old.

The FCC Director loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought. but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 2


The Washington DC City Council, though stripped of just about all political power, still meets. At one meeting, the status of fireplugs around City owned buildings was discussed.

They directed that all fireplugs adjacent to City owned buildings be tested at least three days prior to every fire.

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 3


Washington DC - Health, Education and Welfare Department workers at the 18-story Parklawn Building here were treated recently to a memo on proper elevator button-pushing techniques.

The guidelines explain that employes who wish to descend should push the elevator "Down" button.

On the other hand, those wanting to go up should push the "Up" button.

Pushing both at the same time, HEW warns, is counter-productive.

[thedrifter]

Government Official (tm)


Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.

With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your
product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out
this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling
your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify) _____________________
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify) ____________________

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? Please check all
that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
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3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?
(Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
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__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
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targets for future conquest.
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__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
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__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
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__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.

[thedrifter]

Government Specs

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's "rear end" came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

[thedrifter]

Government Spending

The following was discovered in an internal memo from one of our larger county departments:

Due to increasing criticism about excessive governmental spending and bloated bureaucratic budgets, we are immediately scaling back to only basic essentials. Therefore effective immediately the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

[thedrifter]

Government Workers

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

[thedrifter]

NEW YEAR'S RECIPE

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine of of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.

[thedrifter]

New Year's Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:

10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.

9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.

8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.

7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.

6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)

5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.
If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends.
If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years. Tight-asses!

4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)

3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.)

2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.

1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

[thedrifter]

Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

[RichLundeen]

"5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind. "

Wow, I jusy heard that! Except it was 'We're ready to play Yahtzee!'

Time to get beat up on by Mommy and the kid!

Semper Fi

Rich

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his
first baseball game. The first batter approached the
batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming
"Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened
as the crowd again cheered "RUN!!, RUN!!" The
Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming
along with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The
umpire called "Walk!" and the batter started his slow
trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye
lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing.

Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A
friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned
over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four
balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with
pride, lad."

[thedrifter]

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"

[thedrifter]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asks her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says,

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.' "

[thedrifter]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

[thedrifter]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"

He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.

He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"

The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

[thedrifter]

Gracious Host

Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"

He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, "I have pickle juice or water."

[thedrifter]

Graduation Test

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!"

[thedrifter]

Gramesis

1. In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
2. And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep--my teacher.
3. And she said, "Let there be grammar;" and there was grammar.
4. And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
5. And Teacher gave the bright students A's and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
6. And Teacher said, "Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
7. And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
8. And the Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
9. And Teacher said, "Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear; and it was so.
10. And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
11. And Teacher said, "Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate;" and it was so.
12. And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
13. And the active and the passive were the third day.
14. And Teacher said, "Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns."
15. "And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate;" and it was so---confusing.
16. And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
17. And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
18. And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
19. And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
20. And Teacher said, "Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs."
21. And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
22. And Teacher blessed them saying, "Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds."
23. And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
24. And Teacher said, "Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write;" and it was very so.
25. And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
26. And Teacher said, "Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student."
27. So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
28. And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive."
29. "And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English;" and it was so.
30. And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.

[thedrifter]

My Grandpa, the Blacksmith

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

[thedrifter]

Grandfather Turkey

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

[thedrifter]

Grandma Comparison

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

[thedrifter]

Grandmom's meatloaf

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

[thedrifter]

Grandpa's Secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

[thedrifter]

Grandparent's Day

This is a special edition of Good Clean Fun. While this piece is of a more serious nature, it is worth reading.

Grandparents's Day is celebrated in the United States on the first Sunday after Labor Day.

The impetus for a National Grandparents Day originated with Marian McQuade, a housewife in Fayette County, West Virginia. Her primary motivation was to champion the cause of lonely elderly in nursing homes. She also hoped to persuade grandchildren to tap the wisdom and heritage their grandparents could provide. In 1978, the first National Grandparents Day was celebrated.

This day has a threefold purpose:
1. To honor grandparents.
2. To give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children's children.
3. To help children become aware of the strength, information and guidance older people can offer.

With that in mind, it seemed appropriate to post something by Erma Bombeck. I have posted pieces by Erma before. They were: How Mothers Were Created and How Fathers Were Created.

Erma Bombeck was a well-known humorist and author. She died April 22, 1996 in San Francisco, California.

This is a companion piece Erma wrote called "What Is a Grandparent?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is Grandparents' Day.

It's one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

Grandparenthood rarely comes at a perfect time of your life. Either you're too young for it or too old.

Some grandparents see grandchildren as a chance to correct the mistakes they made the first time around. Others view it as a twilight zone where you can love them when they're dry and fed ... send them back when they're wet and hungry. Others relish being a spectator as they watch their prophecy materialize, "Just wait till you have children of your own!"

Perhaps the saddest words in all the world are, "I never knew my grandparents." It's good to remember that in a time when marriages dissolve and the grandparents are dismissed without notice or feeling.

Grandparents contribute a special relationship to a child that no one else can give them. At least ten years ago I wrote a job description for grandparents that bears repeating.

What is a grandparent?

They can always be counted upon to buy anything you're selling ... from all-purpose greeting cards to peanut brittle ... from flower seeds to cookies ... from transparent tape to ten chances on a pony.

A grandparent buys you gifts your mother says you don't need.

A grandparent pretends he doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

A grandparent will put a sweater on you when she is cold, feed you when she is hungry and put you to bed when she is tired.

A grandparent will frame a picture of your hand that you traced over the brocade sofa in the Mediterranean living room.

A grandparent will check to see if you are crying when you are sound asleep.

A grandparent is the only babysitter who doesn't charge money to keep you.

A grandparent will believe you can read when you have the book upside down.

When a grandchild says, "Grandma, how come you didn't have any children?" a grandparent will fight back the tears.

[thedrifter]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asks her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says,

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.' "

[thedrifter]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

[thedrifter]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[thedrifter]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[thedrifter]

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.

So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

[thedrifter]

The Grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you?

The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?"

[thedrifter]

Gray Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:


It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.


He signed off with this observation: "That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

[thedrifter]

A Great Cup of Tea

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June, 1998

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

[thedrifter]

The Great Detective

(Warning, you are about to enter a Pun Zone)

The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.

At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch.

"Aha, Watson," said Holmes, "the plot thickens."

[thedrifter]

Great Golf Shot

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus timetable."

[thedrifter]

Great Relationship

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

[thedrifter]

Great Truths of Life


1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.

6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

[thedrifter]

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[thedrifter]

Green Golf Balls

A man enters the pro shop and, scanning like a HP Laser-Jet, looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks him what he wants.

"I can't find any green golf balls," he replies.

The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers. Sure enough, he determines that there are no green golf balls.

As the man walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well, obviously! Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"

[thedrifter]

The Groom and the Best Man


Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own wedding, the University at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage here to Mary Beth Snyder:

Mr Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax, Va., became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at Fairfax Presbyterian Church.

Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best man. As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all eyes. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the clergyman in low but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of coat, vest and pants. The coat, of some dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A touching story was current among the guests that the coat was the one worn by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The vest was sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same material.

The groom's pants were of some dark material, and were suspended from the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor. The severe simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet which was caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston Brighton worn underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of leather, laced with string of the same color. The effect was rather chic.

Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge, and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in dress.

The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the audience.

As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she wore the conventional white veil and orange blossoms.

[thedrifter]

Growing Up

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

[thedrifter]

Guard-ening


A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."

[thedrifter]

Guide to Man-Machine Interface

USER-FRIENDLY
-------------
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
------------
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
---------------
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
------------
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what
I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
----------------
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONISING
----------------
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time,
use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you
bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
---------------
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
--------------
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-SMUG
---------
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ !#@$*%&!
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
---------------
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
-------------
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a
nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
-----------------
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

[thedrifter]

Gullibility Virus !!!


WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking, the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others, a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including:

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

************************************************** ********
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously!
Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it!
This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out!
This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
(If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
************************************************** ********

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!

[thedrifter]

Haiku

Here are the error messages for the new "Microsoft Poet"
operating system. Enjoy!

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

[thedrifter]

Halloween Rocky


One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky", in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."

[greybeard]

Originally posted by thedrifter
Gullibility Virus !!!


WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser.


If you don't believe it, just check around. Regardless of accuracy, revelance or length, if it can be copied & pasted it probably has or soon will be.

[thedrifter]

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

[thedrifter]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents.

"That`s great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the ten cents?"

"Everybody!" replied the wife.

[thedrifter]

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

****ed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[thedrifter]

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."

She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.

[thedrifter]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and *****."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and *****.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a *****?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

[thedrifter]

Ham Dinner


My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."

[thedrifter]

Handy Around the House

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitched whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something look level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succees, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

[thedrifter]

Happy Ever After


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

[thedrifter]

Hard Landing

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

[thedrifter]

Hare Spray


A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[thedrifter]

Harlez-Vous Francais?


The following were among winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?--Can you drive a French Motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI--I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM--I think; therefore, I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS--The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID--Honk if you're Scottish.

POSH MORTEM--Death styles of the rich and famous.

HASTE CUISINE--Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE--I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO--A fast retort.

ALOHA OY--Love, greetings, farewell. From such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON--tons of luck.

VISA LA FRANCE--Don't leave your chateau without it.

COGITO ERGO SAM--Sam I am (I think)

[thedrifter]

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

[thedrifter]

Harard Being Sued


HARVARD BEING SUED FOR DISCRIMINATING AGAINST 'F' STUDENTS

BOSTON, MA - Harvard University is facing a lawsuit stemming from allegations that it discriminates against 'F' Students. Jeremy Slowboy, spokesman for the group 'Americans for Equal Rights for Under-Achievers', told BNN, "We find it troubling that Harvard has never admitted a student with a 0.0 GPA in its entire 363 year history. How can an institution of higher learning, like Harvard, be so backwards and outdated? 'F' students have just as much of a right to an Ivy-League education as any other student in America. We praise those people who helped bring this lawsuit against the university and hope that it will force Harvard and other universities to end their discrimination policies."

Admisions Officials at Harvard claim that if they are forced to admit under-achievers, the University will lose its prestige and could go under. BNN's legal correspondent, Johnny Cockroach, sees things differently. Said Cockroach, "Discrimination is wrong no matter what it's based upon. It is time we faced up the fact that mental discrimination has no place in our society."

[thedrifter]

Harvard Bridge

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

[thedrifter]

Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked,"You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58.

[thedrifter]

A Harvard Story


(Not a joke but is a story worth reading)


A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the outer office of the President of Harvard University.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched; he was shocked.

"Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.

And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADDENDUM

In actuality, Leland Jr. died of typhoid at the age of 16 in Florence, Italy; contracted while the family was traveling in Europe in 1884. When the Stanfords returned to America, they did visit several universities in the East and did talk to President Eliot of Harvard about establishing a university at Palo Alto, a large institution in San Francisco combining a lecture hall and a museum, or a technical school. They asked President Eliot which of three would be more desirable and he replied 'a university.' They then asked how much the endowment should be, and President Eliot replied, 'not less than $5 million.' In answer, Mr. Stanford turned to his wife and said with a smile, "Well, Jane, we could manage that, couldn't we?"

The complete story can be found at Stanford History: The Beginning.

Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Someone might look like a chunk of gold, and quickly rust. Or we might turn away someone with drive, loyalty, ambition, determination, etc.

We hear that what goes around, comes around. Just in case that might actually be true and in case you have ever felt under appreciated, then you might consider taking advantage of the next opportunity to look a little deeper for the goodness in others.

[thedrifter]

The Head Hog

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in."

[thedrifter]

Health Care FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

[thedrifter]

Healthy Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

[thedrifter]

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet

The Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for
Gourmets that advises you to:

A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass,
fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.

[thedrifter]

Heated Up!


An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.

It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under itand vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

[thedrifter]

Heaven and Hell

It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.

God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.

The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."

So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is MAD.

"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you."

"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?">

[thedrifter]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[thedrifter]

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."

She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.

[thedrifter]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and *****."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and *****.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a *****?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

[thedrifter]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while, until his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father yells back, "**** you! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!"

[thedrifter]

The difference between Love and Marriage in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "*****!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[thedrifter]

A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security."

How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate."

"I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough."

His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!"

[thedrifter]

Heaven or Hell?


This guy dies and finds himself in a small room. It looks kind of like a living room from the Andy Griffith show, and has a couch and TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The newly dead guy looks around and asks, "so... is this heaven or hell?"

The other guy looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and no apparent way out."

"Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell."

"Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set."

"I see. So maybe it's heaven."

"Yeah, but the TV has only one channel."

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good -- it's PBS."

"Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for just one thing..." the other fellow says, sadly.
"It's ALWAYS pledge week."

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Punishment

Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each other. Billy recognizes a man with 2 somewhat ... er ... unattractive lizards on his neck.

He asks "Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?"

To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives up them up.

He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck and states "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer."

"Correct," replies St. Peter.

Finally he sees Bill Clinton, with only one lizard on his neck. Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Bill Clinton's neck he asks St. Peter about this.

St. Peter replies,"Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard."

[thedrifter]

Hebrew Lesson


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

"What's that my child?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Uh--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

"What I need to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing???

[thedrifter]

Hectic Day


I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your pj's, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

[thedrifter]

Help Is On The Way!


My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

[thedrifter]

Helping Hand


A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

[thedrifter]

Help Wanted


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

[thedrifter]

Henry Ford


The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

[thedrifter]

"Heredity", A Genealogy Poem


I saw a duck the other day
It had the feet of my Aunt Faye.
Then it walked, was heading South.
It waddled like my Uncle Ralph.

And when it turned, I must propose,
Its bill was formed like Aunt Jane's nose.
I thought, "Oh, no! It's just my luck,
Someday I'll look just like a duck."

I sobbed to Mom about my fears,
And she said, "Honey, dry your tears.
You look like me, so walk with pride.
Those folks are all from Daddy's side."

[thedrifter]

Hiccups


While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

[thedrifter]

Mrs. Smith's husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties.

That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, "Honey, come upstairs...I have a surprise for you."

When he opens the bedroom door, she's lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties.

She spreads her legs and says, "See anything you want?"

He says, "Why would I want that? Look what it did to your underwear."

[thedrifter]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

[thedrifter]

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[thedrifter]

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked.

Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.

"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?"

The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this ******* trunk!"

So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.

"Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"

"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."

The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

[thedrifter]

Hide and Seek


My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea.

He went to the phone and dialed.

They found me immediately when my pager started beeping...

[thedrifter]

High School Science


These are actual answers given on High School Science Tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

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