Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Government Contracting Dictionary

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

[thedrifter]

Government Employees


A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 1

The General Services Administration has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines.

One such expert visited the Federal Communications Commission and suggested that they get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old.

The FCC Director loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought. but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything."

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 2


The Washington DC City Council, though stripped of just about all political power, still meets. At one meeting, the status of fireplugs around City owned buildings was discussed.

They directed that all fireplugs adjacent to City owned buildings be tested at least three days prior to every fire.

[thedrifter]

Government in Action 3


Washington DC - Health, Education and Welfare Department workers at the 18-story Parklawn Building here were treated recently to a memo on proper elevator button-pushing techniques.

The guidelines explain that employes who wish to descend should push the elevator "Down" button.

On the other hand, those wanting to go up should push the "Up" button.

Pushing both at the same time, HEW warns, is counter-productive.

[thedrifter]

Government Official (tm)


Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.

With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your
product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out
this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling
your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify) _____________________
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify) ____________________

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? Please check all
that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
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__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
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3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?
(Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
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__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
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targets for future conquest.
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__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
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__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
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5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
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__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.

[thedrifter]

Government Specs

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's "rear end" came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

[thedrifter]

Government Spending

The following was discovered in an internal memo from one of our larger county departments:

Due to increasing criticism about excessive governmental spending and bloated bureaucratic budgets, we are immediately scaling back to only basic essentials. Therefore effective immediately the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

[thedrifter]

Government Workers

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bullseye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

[thedrifter]

NEW YEAR'S RECIPE

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of courage, nine of of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.

[thedrifter]

New Year's Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:

10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.

9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.

8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.

7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.

6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)

5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.
If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends.
If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years. Tight-asses!

4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)

3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.)

2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.

1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

[thedrifter]

Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

[RichLundeen]

"5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind. "

Wow, I jusy heard that! Except it was 'We're ready to play Yahtzee!'

Time to get beat up on by Mommy and the kid!

Semper Fi

Rich

[Phantom Blooper]

An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his
first baseball game. The first batter approached the
batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming
"Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened
as the crowd again cheered "RUN!!, RUN!!" The
Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming
along with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The
umpire called "Walk!" and the batter started his slow
trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye
lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing.

Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A
friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned
over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four
balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with
pride, lad."

[thedrifter]

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"

[thedrifter]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asks her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says,

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.' "

[thedrifter]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

[thedrifter]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"

He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.

He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"

The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

[thedrifter]

Gracious Host

Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"

He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, "I have pickle juice or water."

[thedrifter]

Graduation Test

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!"

[thedrifter]

Gramesis

1. In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
2. And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep--my teacher.
3. And she said, "Let there be grammar;" and there was grammar.
4. And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
5. And Teacher gave the bright students A's and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
6. And Teacher said, "Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
7. And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
8. And the Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
9. And Teacher said, "Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear; and it was so.
10. And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
11. And Teacher said, "Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate;" and it was so.
12. And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
13. And the active and the passive were the third day.
14. And Teacher said, "Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns."
15. "And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate;" and it was so---confusing.
16. And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
17. And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
18. And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
19. And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
20. And Teacher said, "Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs."
21. And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
22. And Teacher blessed them saying, "Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds."
23. And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
24. And Teacher said, "Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write;" and it was very so.
25. And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
26. And Teacher said, "Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student."
27. So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
28. And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive."
29. "And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English;" and it was so.
30. And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.

[thedrifter]

My Grandpa, the Blacksmith

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

[thedrifter]

Grandfather Turkey

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."

[thedrifter]

Grandma Comparison

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

[thedrifter]

Grandmom's meatloaf

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."

[thedrifter]

Grandpa's Secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

[thedrifter]

Grandparent's Day

This is a special edition of Good Clean Fun. While this piece is of a more serious nature, it is worth reading.

Grandparents's Day is celebrated in the United States on the first Sunday after Labor Day.

The impetus for a National Grandparents Day originated with Marian McQuade, a housewife in Fayette County, West Virginia. Her primary motivation was to champion the cause of lonely elderly in nursing homes. She also hoped to persuade grandchildren to tap the wisdom and heritage their grandparents could provide. In 1978, the first National Grandparents Day was celebrated.

This day has a threefold purpose:
1. To honor grandparents.
2. To give grandparents an opportunity to show love for their children's children.
3. To help children become aware of the strength, information and guidance older people can offer.

With that in mind, it seemed appropriate to post something by Erma Bombeck. I have posted pieces by Erma before. They were: How Mothers Were Created and How Fathers Were Created.

Erma Bombeck was a well-known humorist and author. She died April 22, 1996 in San Francisco, California.

This is a companion piece Erma wrote called "What Is a Grandparent?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is Grandparents' Day.

It's one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

Grandparenthood rarely comes at a perfect time of your life. Either you're too young for it or too old.

Some grandparents see grandchildren as a chance to correct the mistakes they made the first time around. Others view it as a twilight zone where you can love them when they're dry and fed ... send them back when they're wet and hungry. Others relish being a spectator as they watch their prophecy materialize, "Just wait till you have children of your own!"

Perhaps the saddest words in all the world are, "I never knew my grandparents." It's good to remember that in a time when marriages dissolve and the grandparents are dismissed without notice or feeling.

Grandparents contribute a special relationship to a child that no one else can give them. At least ten years ago I wrote a job description for grandparents that bears repeating.

What is a grandparent?

They can always be counted upon to buy anything you're selling ... from all-purpose greeting cards to peanut brittle ... from flower seeds to cookies ... from transparent tape to ten chances on a pony.

A grandparent buys you gifts your mother says you don't need.

A grandparent pretends he doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

A grandparent will put a sweater on you when she is cold, feed you when she is hungry and put you to bed when she is tired.

A grandparent will frame a picture of your hand that you traced over the brocade sofa in the Mediterranean living room.

A grandparent will check to see if you are crying when you are sound asleep.

A grandparent is the only babysitter who doesn't charge money to keep you.

A grandparent will believe you can read when you have the book upside down.

When a grandchild says, "Grandma, how come you didn't have any children?" a grandparent will fight back the tears.

[thedrifter]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asks her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says,

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.' "

[thedrifter]

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."

[thedrifter]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[thedrifter]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[thedrifter]

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.

So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

[thedrifter]

The Grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you?

The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?"

[thedrifter]

Gray Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:


It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.


He signed off with this observation: "That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

[thedrifter]

A Great Cup of Tea

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June, 1998

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

[thedrifter]

The Great Detective

(Warning, you are about to enter a Pun Zone)

The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the eye of the great detective.

At last they came to the darkened kitchen. Not a sound was heard except a horse and carriage moving past the window at the far end of the room. Light from a gas lamp outside that window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an overturned box of cornstarch.

"Aha, Watson," said Holmes, "the plot thickens."

[thedrifter]

Great Golf Shot

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

Without hesitation, he said, "You have to know the bus timetable."

[thedrifter]

Great Relationship

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

[thedrifter]

Great Truths of Life


1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.

6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

[thedrifter]

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[thedrifter]

Green Golf Balls

A man enters the pro shop and, scanning like a HP Laser-Jet, looks around frowning.

Finally the pro asks him what he wants.

"I can't find any green golf balls," he replies.

The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers. Sure enough, he determines that there are no green golf balls.

As the man walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well, obviously! Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"

[thedrifter]

The Groom and the Best Man


Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own wedding, the University at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage here to Mary Beth Snyder:

Mr Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax, Va., became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at Fairfax Presbyterian Church.

Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best man. As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all eyes. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the clergyman in low but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of coat, vest and pants. The coat, of some dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A touching story was current among the guests that the coat was the one worn by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The vest was sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same material.

The groom's pants were of some dark material, and were suspended from the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor. The severe simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet which was caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston Brighton worn underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of leather, laced with string of the same color. The effect was rather chic.

Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge, and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in dress.

The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the audience.

As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she wore the conventional white veil and orange blossoms.

[thedrifter]

Growing Up

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

[thedrifter]

Guard-ening


A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."

[thedrifter]

Guide to Man-Machine Interface

USER-FRIENDLY
-------------
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
------------
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
---------------
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
------------
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what
I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
----------------
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONISING
----------------
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time,
use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you
bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
---------------
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
--------------
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-SMUG
---------
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ !#@$*%&!
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
---------------
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
-------------
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a
nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
-----------------
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

[thedrifter]

Gullibility Virus !!!


WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking, the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others, a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including:

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

************************************************** ********
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously!
Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it!
This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out!
This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
(If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
************************************************** ********

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!

[thedrifter]

Haiku

Here are the error messages for the new "Microsoft Poet"
operating system. Enjoy!

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

[thedrifter]

Halloween Rocky


One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky", in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."

[greybeard]

Originally posted by thedrifter
Gullibility Virus !!!


WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser.


If you don't believe it, just check around. Regardless of accuracy, revelance or length, if it can be copied & pasted it probably has or soon will be.

[thedrifter]

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

[thedrifter]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred dollars and ten cents.

"That`s great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the ten cents?"

"Everybody!" replied the wife.

[thedrifter]

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

****ed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[thedrifter]

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."

She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.

[thedrifter]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and *****."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and *****.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a *****?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

[thedrifter]

Ham Dinner


My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."

[thedrifter]

Handy Around the House

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitched whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something look level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succees, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

[thedrifter]

Happy Ever After


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

[thedrifter]

Hard Landing

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

[thedrifter]

Hare Spray


A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[thedrifter]

Harlez-Vous Francais?


The following were among winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?--Can you drive a French Motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI--I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM--I think; therefore, I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS--The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID--Honk if you're Scottish.

POSH MORTEM--Death styles of the rich and famous.

HASTE CUISINE--Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE--I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO--A fast retort.

ALOHA OY--Love, greetings, farewell. From such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON--tons of luck.

VISA LA FRANCE--Don't leave your chateau without it.

COGITO ERGO SAM--Sam I am (I think)

[thedrifter]

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

[thedrifter]

Harard Being Sued


HARVARD BEING SUED FOR DISCRIMINATING AGAINST 'F' STUDENTS

BOSTON, MA - Harvard University is facing a lawsuit stemming from allegations that it discriminates against 'F' Students. Jeremy Slowboy, spokesman for the group 'Americans for Equal Rights for Under-Achievers', told BNN, "We find it troubling that Harvard has never admitted a student with a 0.0 GPA in its entire 363 year history. How can an institution of higher learning, like Harvard, be so backwards and outdated? 'F' students have just as much of a right to an Ivy-League education as any other student in America. We praise those people who helped bring this lawsuit against the university and hope that it will force Harvard and other universities to end their discrimination policies."

Admisions Officials at Harvard claim that if they are forced to admit under-achievers, the University will lose its prestige and could go under. BNN's legal correspondent, Johnny Cockroach, sees things differently. Said Cockroach, "Discrimination is wrong no matter what it's based upon. It is time we faced up the fact that mental discrimination has no place in our society."

[thedrifter]

Harvard Bridge

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

[thedrifter]

Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked,"You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58.

[thedrifter]

A Harvard Story


(Not a joke but is a story worth reading)


A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the outer office of the President of Harvard University.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched; he was shocked.

"Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.

And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADDENDUM

In actuality, Leland Jr. died of typhoid at the age of 16 in Florence, Italy; contracted while the family was traveling in Europe in 1884. When the Stanfords returned to America, they did visit several universities in the East and did talk to President Eliot of Harvard about establishing a university at Palo Alto, a large institution in San Francisco combining a lecture hall and a museum, or a technical school. They asked President Eliot which of three would be more desirable and he replied 'a university.' They then asked how much the endowment should be, and President Eliot replied, 'not less than $5 million.' In answer, Mr. Stanford turned to his wife and said with a smile, "Well, Jane, we could manage that, couldn't we?"

The complete story can be found at Stanford History: The Beginning.

Sometimes first impressions are wrong. Someone might look like a chunk of gold, and quickly rust. Or we might turn away someone with drive, loyalty, ambition, determination, etc.

We hear that what goes around, comes around. Just in case that might actually be true and in case you have ever felt under appreciated, then you might consider taking advantage of the next opportunity to look a little deeper for the goodness in others.

[thedrifter]

The Head Hog

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in."

[thedrifter]

Health Care FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

[thedrifter]

Healthy Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

[thedrifter]

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet

The Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for
Gourmets that advises you to:

A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass,
fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.

[thedrifter]

Heated Up!


An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.

It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under itand vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

[thedrifter]

Heaven and Hell

It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.

One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.

God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence.

The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."

So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is MAD.

"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you."

"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?">

[thedrifter]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[thedrifter]

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed."

She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.

[thedrifter]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and *****."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and *****.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a *****?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

[thedrifter]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while, until his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father yells back, "**** you! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!"

[thedrifter]

The difference between Love and Marriage in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "*****!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[thedrifter]

A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security."

How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate."

"I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough."

His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!"

[thedrifter]

Heaven or Hell?


This guy dies and finds himself in a small room. It looks kind of like a living room from the Andy Griffith show, and has a couch and TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The newly dead guy looks around and asks, "so... is this heaven or hell?"

The other guy looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and no apparent way out."

"Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell."

"Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set."

"I see. So maybe it's heaven."

"Yeah, but the TV has only one channel."

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good -- it's PBS."

"Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for just one thing..." the other fellow says, sadly.
"It's ALWAYS pledge week."

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Punishment

Billy Graham goes to heaven and is approached by St. Peter. They greet each other. Billy recognizes a man with 2 somewhat ... er ... unattractive lizards on his neck.

He asks "Why does the Pope have 2 lizards around his neck?"

To which St. Peter replies "Well, the Pope had some unresolved sins, and he must wear the lizards until he gives up them up.

He nods, and then notices Howard Stern with 10 lizards around his neck and states "Ah, I get it. He had even more unresolved sins, and he must wear them for longer."

"Correct," replies St. Peter.

Finally he sees Bill Clinton, with only one lizard on his neck. Surprised to see the low number of lizards on Bill Clinton's neck he asks St. Peter about this.

St. Peter replies,"Well, we needed to punish this particular lizard."

[thedrifter]

Hebrew Lesson


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

"What's that my child?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Uh--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

"What I need to know is this," demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing???

[thedrifter]

Hectic Day


I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your pj's, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

[thedrifter]

Help Is On The Way!


My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

[thedrifter]

Helping Hand


A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

[thedrifter]

Help Wanted


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!

He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

[thedrifter]

Henry Ford


The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the students wrote: "0% financing."

[thedrifter]

"Heredity", A Genealogy Poem


I saw a duck the other day
It had the feet of my Aunt Faye.
Then it walked, was heading South.
It waddled like my Uncle Ralph.

And when it turned, I must propose,
Its bill was formed like Aunt Jane's nose.
I thought, "Oh, no! It's just my luck,
Someday I'll look just like a duck."

I sobbed to Mom about my fears,
And she said, "Honey, dry your tears.
You look like me, so walk with pride.
Those folks are all from Daddy's side."

[thedrifter]

Hiccups


While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

[thedrifter]

Mrs. Smith's husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties.

That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, "Honey, come upstairs...I have a surprise for you."

When he opens the bedroom door, she's lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties.

She spreads her legs and says, "See anything you want?"

He says, "Why would I want that? Look what it did to your underwear."

[thedrifter]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

[thedrifter]

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[thedrifter]

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked.

Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.

"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?"

The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this ******* trunk!"

So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.

"Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"

"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."

The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

[thedrifter]

Hide and Seek


My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea.

He went to the phone and dialed.

They found me immediately when my pager started beeping...

[thedrifter]

High School Science


These are actual answers given on High School Science Tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

[thedrifter]

Highway Crew


One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

[thedrifter]

Hijacked Bus


A crook tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists.
Fortunately the police had 5000 photographs of the suspect.

[thedrifter]

Hindrance


My wife, Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.

"Afraid of injuries?" Diane asked.

"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."

[thedrifter]

Hindsight is 20-20


Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

[thedrifter]

His and Hers - Drive Up ATM


His and Her ATM usage explained:

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

[thedrifter]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[thedrifter]

A little girl and a little boy are at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[thedrifter]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[thedrifter]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the ****ing wall!'''

[thedrifter]

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

[thedrifter]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home in a jovial mood. He tells his wife, "I'm getting $50,000 severance pay!"
"Really?" she asks.
"Yeah really. But wait till you hear what they severed!!!!"

[thedrifter]

His and Hers - Road Trip

HER VERSION:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS VERSION:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7 -11
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this
is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the road
19 Takes a leak
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done
22. I think.
23. Returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.

[thedrifter]

History of the Pilgrims


(These are selections from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. Wording and spelling have not been changed.)

PILGRAM INTERUPTERS

The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different.

The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain.

First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.

Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock.

A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world.

These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonets.

But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States wouldn't be like it is today.

[thedrifter]

History of the World
(various lines culled from student papers)

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

[thedrifter]

The Hobo

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

[thedrifter]

Hockey Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers noticed and asked what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

"I never knew you played hockey."

"I don't," said Andy. "I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup playoffs and put my foot through the television."

[thedrifter]

Holiday Eating Tips


I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

[thedrifter]

Holmes and Watson


Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in their tent.

Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says, "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No Watson, it's simplier than that. It just means that somebody has stolen our tent."

[Phantom Blooper]

HOW CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[thedrifter]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[thedrifter]

A little girl and a little boy are at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[thedrifter]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[thedrifter]

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

[thedrifter]

One night, Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said, "what's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

[thedrifter]

Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife are?

The prostitute says "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!"
The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."

[thedrifter]

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

[thedrifter]

A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems.
The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?"

"Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

[thedrifter]

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."

DAUGHTER: "O.K."

Later.......

DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

[thedrifter]

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"

His story:

"**** day at work. Great shag later."

[thedrifter]

Home Economics
(1950's vs 1990's)


The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. (Followed by the 90's version).

************************************************** **************

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be happy and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

************************************************** ****************

Now the updated version for the '90s woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been lousy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile ... this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

[thedrifter]

Homework

"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

[thedrifter]

Homework 2

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear it is," insisted Johnny. "I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it."

[thedrifter]

Honest Lawyers

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident.
He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said,
"I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
- - - - -

She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been
discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand. During his
summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the
lady was now a widow.
- - - - -

Speaking of summations, another lawyer defending what
appeared to be a guilty individual told the jury that it was
an act of God, under very suspicious circumstances.
- - - - -

The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may
indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved
pleading the cases -- their lawyers.
- - - - -

A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that
they were all hung.
- - - - -

A lawyer is addressing an all male jury. "Gentlemen, shall we
cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a
prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo,
Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?"

[thedrifter]

Honorary Degree

A Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I would like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution."

The president's eyes opened wide and he said, "That is a kindly notion, sir. We will be pleased to accept it."

"There's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

"No problem," said the president. "That can be arranged."

"For my horse," said the Texan.

And now the president got to his feet in shock. "For your HORSE?"

"Yes, my mare, Betsy. She's carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I would like to have her receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But we can't give an honorary degree to a horse."

"I'm sorry to hear you say so, because in that case I can't give you a million dollars."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, sweating profusely. "Let me consult the board of trustees."

The board was convened in a hurry and listened to the story in various degrees of shock and disbelief, all except the oldest trustee, whose eyes were closed and who seemed asleep.

One trustee expressed the general opinion, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter how much money is involved."

At this point, the oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Just take the money and give the horse his degree."

Said the president, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not," said the oldest trustee. "It would be an honor. It would be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

[thedrifter]

The Horn

One day while driving with my 4 year old daughter, I beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident".

She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say YOU JERK afterwards!"

[thedrifter]

Horsing Around

Yesterday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.

My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.

[thedrifter]

Hospital Softball Team

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

[thedrifter]

Hostess Sued for Defective Products

Are Hostess Cupcakes, Twinkies and Frosted Doughnuts defective? Apparently one consumer group and their attorneys thinks so. Yesterday, a class-action lawsuit, seeking billions of dollars in damages was filed against the pastry industry giant, Hostess. Max Dinero, lead attorney for Pastry Watch USA, the consumer group who filed the suit, told BNN, "Hostess has known for years that they have been producing and selling defective products. These are products, which if used as Hostess intended, can lead to obesity, clogged arteries, and heart attacks. This makes the pastry industry as murderous as the tobacco industry. Our suit is designed to bring the pastry industry to justice."

On hearing of the law suit, Republicans in Congress have moved to draft legislation that would protect the pastry industry from these types of lawsuits. Democrats blasted the Republicans for their efforts. Said Democratic Congresswman, Sheila Jackson-Lee, "This just proves that the Republicans are in the pockets of 'Big Pastry' lobbyists."

Hostess has refused to publicly comment on the pending suit. One Hostess executive, speaking off the record, quipped, "These maniacs won't stop until they have stolen the profits from every dessert maker in the U.S. If they take us down then no company is safe. Next to go will be Dolly Madison. After that, they will obviously move on to ice cream producers like Baskin-Robbins, Hagen-Daz and Ben & Jerry."

Max Dinero denied that the suit was an attempt to steal corporate profits and assured BNN, "Our intentions are pure. We are only concerned about the innocent victims of the pastry industry."

[thedrifter]

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every
once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears
to your eyes..

[thedrifter]

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Engineering or Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "you must be a Program Manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[thedrifter]

Hot Shot Pilot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

[thedrifter]

Hotel Pets?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

[thedrifter]

House Call

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

[thedrifter]

House for Sale

When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis. One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?" Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's still there!"

[thedrifter]

House Watchers

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

[thedrifter]

Household Budget

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

[thedrifter]

How Cold Is It?

Variations on this list have been floating about cyberspace
for several years. Here's an updated list.

"Cold" is a relative term.
Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees F

* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 Italian cars don't start

* 32 Water freezes

* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming

* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 American cars don't start

* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start

* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 You plan a two week hot bath

* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South

* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

[thedrifter]

How the Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[thedrifter]

This man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

[thedrifter]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: aweeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[thedrifter]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[thedrifter]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy, but I got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, and very curious about the operation. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but it wasn't the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your nuts?"

"That was very painful, but it wasn't the most painful part."

"So what was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut...my salary in half!"

[thedrifter]

A man walks into his house one day to find his wife in bed with another man.

The husband calmly picks up his shotgun and leads the guy, naked, out to his garage. He put's the man's penis into a vise, tightens it down, and removes the handle. As if the guy wasn't in enough pain now, the husband retrieves a hack saw with a dull blade.

The fellow says, "You're NOT going to cut my penis off, are you?"

The husband hands the hacksaw to the guy and says, "No, you are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[thedrifter]

An older couple decided to go somewhere for the summer. After driving for a long while, they got tired and stopped in a restaurant.

They ate and rested up and continued on their way.

After only few miles, the woman realized that she had forgotten her glasses. So, at the next exit, they had to turn back. However, on the way back she was forced to listen endless criticism from her husband, that "she was a stupid *****", "how one day she would lose her ****ing head", "what an ugly moronic creature she is" and so on.

They parked next to restaurant again and the husband turns to the wife and says, "Get the **** out and get your bloody glasses......... .... and don't forget to bring my hat."

[thedrifter]

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings...
.........Priceless

[thedrifter]

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

[thedrifter]

Mary and Tommy had been married for 20 years. One day Mary started to talk about a second honeymoon.

"Naah, no way", said Tommy.

However, Mary didn't give that thought a rest and after a lot of nagging Tommy finally agreed to take the trip.

"OK woman! Let's do it again. We'll drive the same route, look at the same sights, eat at the same restaurants and check in to the same damned hotels. Is that OK?"

Mary's eyes got filled with tears of endearment. She said: "I guess we'll do all the same naughty things we did 20 years ago when we stayed at those hotels?"

"Yeah, except now it's my turn to stand in the middle of the room and shout hysterically: It's too big, oh God, It's too big!"

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:
-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

[thedrifter]

Types of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[thedrifter]

Who is Nookie Green?
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[thedrifter]

Between 6:30 and 6:45
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

[thedrifter]

Which feels better
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[thedrifter]

Lost it
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Are you a cowboy?
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[thedrifter]

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he

lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance

package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.



2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue

a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing

ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing

beside them in the police line, shouting: "Please come out and give

yourself up."



3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and

forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,

wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own

bank accounts.



4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all

the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,

so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for

three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who

just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives

asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all

your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I

said!"



6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and

her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?"

the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!



7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying

to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used

a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he

failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)



8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an

hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having

a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their

brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every

maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an

hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking

someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side

check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine

ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the

correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water

to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so

hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE . Under the boat, still

strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

[thedrifter]

Who Am I

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in
the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman
comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this
is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We
had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the
a weekend party and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that
around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the
bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and
only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women
try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed
four or five times."

[thedrifter]

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
*****************
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
*********
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
***************
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
*****************
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We
were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde
replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

*****************
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &
Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

***********************
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out
her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,
marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of
the class is still sweating it out. During the last few
minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm
rechecking my answers."
*************************
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
JOKES! There was a blonde woman who was having
financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and
demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain
brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at
7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told
him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned
to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the
big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the
bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another!

[thedrifter]

Two strangers, a man and woman are seated at a dinner party together. The man turns to the woman and says, I've got a hypothetical question for you miss.

The woman, curious, says "O.K. shoot."

The man says "If a man were to offer you one million dollars to sleep with him, would you do it?"

The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers "I guess I would....for a million dollars."

The man smiles and says "Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five dollars?"

The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man, "Of course I won't. What do you think I am!"

To which the man replies, "We've already determined WHAT you are, now we're just working out a price."

[thedrifter]

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

[thedrifter]

Fred himself was unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100% successful.

He said, "Hire a well hung young stud to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."

The guy hired the stud, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the stud does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the young stud and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the ****ing towel!"

[thedrifter]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[thedrifter]

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.

The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers 7 come 11 all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad!....my old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

[thedrifter]

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,.....
"I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."

Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."

She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

[thedrifter]

True story on the first time Tarzan met Jane.

Jane was lost in the jungle and was sitting under a tree crying.

Tarzan heard her and came to her rescue.

When she first saw him she asked, " Who are you?"

He said, "Me Tarzan, King of the jungle, who you?"

She replied, " Tarzan, my name is Jane."

Tarzan asks, " Jane, what whole name?"

Jane replies, " Pussy."

[thedrifter]

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[thedrifter]

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Homer) washes up on the shore. Homer and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see Homer there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: "Hey, no ****ing!"

They couple looks at each other and yells back: "We're not ****ing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Homer yells down: "Heeey, no ****ing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not ****ing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again Homer yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no ****ing!!"

"We said we're not ****ing!!"

Finally the shift is over and Homer climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up, when the wife and Homer are screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're ****ing."

[thedrifter]

There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close.

One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 the next morning.

They went down to the river at 6 a.m. the next day and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down?" Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.

The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped the man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed. At 6 the next morning, They got to the river. "Up or Down" the hopeful man asked. "Down" the woman replied.

A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or Down" the man asked. "Up" the woman said.

"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex, what's going on?"

"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said '**** or Drown!'"

[thedrifter]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

[thedrifter]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[thedrifter]

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"

[thedrifter]

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.

One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me."

His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub.

The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"

The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"

[thedrifter]

This guy successfully picks up and seduces a goodlooking chick. The next morning, while dressing, the girl disparangingly says, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."
Without missing a beat, the guy smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

[thedrifter]

A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"

She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. she said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars."

She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.

The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"

She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for twenty cents..."

He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing about?"

He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussy auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars."

He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for $42,000 dollars. The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine?"

He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"

[thedrifter]

A passenger plane is about to crash - the pilot announces there's no hope. A militant feminist stands up and says, "If I'm going to die I want to die happy."

She takes all her clothes off and shouts, "Is there any man here who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A guy stands up and takes his shirt off and says "Yeah -- iron that."

[thedrifter]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

[thedrifter]

How Long?


The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

[thedrifter]

How Fathers Were Created

Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor
of Father's Day in the United States and to fathers everywhere.)

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?"

The angel shutteth up.

[thedrifter]

How Mothers Were Created

Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor
of Mother's Day in the United States and to mothers everywhere.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specification on this order?"

"She has to be completely washable but not plastic"

"Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable"

"Run on black coffee and leftovers"

"Have a lap the disappears when she stands up"

"A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair"

"And 6 pairs of hands"

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "6 pairs of hands....no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me the problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have."

"That's in the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when he goofs and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "come to bed. Tomorrow . . . "

"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick . . . can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger . . . and can get a 9 yr. old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this Mother can do or endure."

"Can it think?"

"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You You were trying to put too much into this model."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

"You are a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there"

[thedrifter]

How Much?

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said, "I've changed my mind. I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue what had just happened.

[thedrifter]

How Old?

A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

[jfreas]

Subject: FW: Bush & Saddam' dogs
> > >
> > >
> > > Bush & Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down
> > > and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would
> > > have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever
> > > side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
in
> > > the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected
> > > only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his
> > > siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up
with
> > > the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed
steel
> > > bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
> >looking
> > > animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
> > > because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds
> >with
> > > the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out
of
> > > it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog
> > > snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund
> >---
> > > but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth
and
> > > consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog
at
> > > all.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't
> > > understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working
> > > for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in
the
> > > world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing," said
> > > Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon working for 5 years
to
> > > make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > GOD BLESS AMERICA! !!! ! ! ! !

[thedrifter]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a
gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and
watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and
asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful

liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid
in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of

this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's

belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here

turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll
pass a Harley-Davidson."

[thedrifter]

The Dentist LOL
>
>
> A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so
> well that they decide
> to go back to the woman's place.
>
> A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt
> and then washes his
> hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes
> his hands again.
>
> Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a
> dentist."
>
> Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you
> figure that out?"
>
> "Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your
> hands."
>
> One thing leads to another and they make love.
>
> Once they're done, the
> woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."
>
> The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes,
> I am a good dentist.
> How did you figure that out?"
>
> "Didn't feel a thing!"

[thedrifter]

sent to me by our girl CAS

Two Old Marines

Two Old Marines were drinking up at the bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard." By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."


"So," says the second old Marine, "what's your point?"


"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[thedrifter]

The Three Nurses


Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

[thedrifter]

How To Get a Gorilla off the roof.


A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the concerned and confused homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."

[thedrifter]

Christmas Funnies


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what exactly do those symbolize?"

The man replied with a smirk on his face, "They're Carols".

[thedrifter]

CAN YOU HERE ME NOW?

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

(I just love this!)


"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

[thedrifter]

Christmas Is Cancelled

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.



I've busted my ass for damn near a year.

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady *****es cause I work late at night...

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.



Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,

Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.



They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits.

They want the impossible .Those mean little ****s.



I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,

I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.



Flying through the air...dodging the trees,

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.



There's no Christmas this year...

now you know the reason...

I found me a blonde.

I'm going SOUTH for the season!

[thedrifter]

DON'T ANSWER HER QUESTIONS

DINNER CONVERSATION THAT WENT WRONG !!!

> WIFE: "What if I died - would you get married again? "
> HUSBAND: "Definitely not! "
> WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married? "
> HUSBAND: "Of course I do. "
> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
> HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again. "
> WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). "
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed? "
> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep? "
> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "
> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do. "
> WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs? "
> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
> WIFE: - - - silence - - -
> HUSBAND: Sh!t !

[thedrifter]

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your ****in' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!"

[thedrifter]

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

[thedrifter]

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.

He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.

He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

"Goddammit!" he said.

"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."

The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.

"Well ****, *******, hell, ****!" exclaims the nun.

"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.

"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a ****in' tree."

[thedrifter]

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the **** up and let me play my second shot?"

[thedrifter]

The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson. The pro asked her why and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf.

He asked her where and she said, "Between the first and second hole," and her pro said, "I guess that would make it hard on your stance."

[Phantom Blooper]

NEWEYE TEST (Checkit Out) I did and was suprised, I thought
something was wrong with myeyes for the last year or so. I'm glad I
took the test.

As you know,January is National Eye Care month. Do yourself
a favor and take this simple vision test. It's an early test for
cataracts. It is simple to do and it's fun. Remember, cataracts
know no age boundary; young and old can have this "preventable"
eye disease. When you've finished, send this on to those you
care about! ........



http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf (http://) :banana:

[thedrifter]

A Sweet Ass Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

[thedrifter]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[thedrifter]

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

[thedrifter]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

[thedrifter]

Kathy went to Nancy's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Nancy.

"After we had sex, the son of a ***** called me a slut!"

Somewhat shocked, Nancy asked, "What did you do then?"

"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his eight friends with him!"

[thedrifter]

This bloke and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening a quarter of a century earlier, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replies, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undresses, she asks, "What are you thinking now?"

He replies, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[thedrifter]

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

[thedrifter]

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"

Finally a store clerk approached.

"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"

"Lard ass."

[thedrifter]

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"****, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[thedrifter]

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"****," said Chrispy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," Chrispy replied.

[thedrifter]

How to Build a Web Site in 25 Steps

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number +16.3E10" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.

[thedrifter]

How To Do Homework (The Proper Way). . .


1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

[thedrifter]

How to Install Software

"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads,
as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to
the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do
us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders
keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't
forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one,
and be honest:

+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard
drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&.

11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even
when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain
to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged
3 through 12.

[thedrifter]

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

[thedrifter]

How to Photograph a New Puppy


1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Fix a drink.

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

[Art Petersn]

NEW POLITICAL BUMPER STICKER



The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"



Democrats put them on the rear bumper.

Republicans affixed them to the front bumper.

[thedrifter]

One day a boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a ****?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the ****."

[thedrifter]

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[thedrifter]

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

[thedrifter]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

[thedrifter]

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to ****, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

[thedrifter]

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV. and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

[thedrifter]

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her, "What's going on?"
She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

[thedrifter]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

[thedrifter]

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

[thedrifter]

How to Talk to Your Spouse


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

[thedrifter]

Writing Tips

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

[thedrifter]

How Was Your Day?

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

[thedrifter]

How Ya Feeling?


The doctor in a small North Carolina clinic asked the weather-beaten mountaineer how he was feeling.

"Well ... it's like this," drawled the man. "I'm still a-kickin', but I ain't raisin' no dust."

[thedrifter]

Hubble Telescope


The New York Times, among other papers, has published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...

[thedrifter]

Huge Sofa


Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

[Phantom Blooper]

Expensive Monkeys

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in
politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs
$1500. It knows Visual C++ and
Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single
thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

[Phantom Blooper]

A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
"Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said,
"Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks her sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.
We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
"If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay?
Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister,
and she said that HER mom died too!"

[Phantom Blooper]

The basketball coach stormed into the office of the university president and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach said. "Watch." The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging by. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned.":banana:

[thedrifter]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[thedrifter]

There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.

As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts.

He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor. The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger further, did as he was told.

Just as he was getting off to sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before either.

When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered along to join the other two.

"What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."

[thedrifter]

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the jetway there was a ticket agent who was collecting tickets. When the man got to the podium, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The ticket agent said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

[thedrifter]

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.
"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"

[thedrifter]

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re- married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like ****ing a used pussy?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

[thedrifter]

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

[thedrifter]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights, pulled back the blanket. There she was, in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? Who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!"

The husband looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled and answered, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

[thedrifter]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asks the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar.... you know...the frozen glass..."

He doesn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she is getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out15 dishes of different hors'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR ****ING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ****ING MUG AND EAT YOUR ****ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT *******?!!"

[thedrifter]

Human Resources

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

[thedrifter]

Hundred Dollar Bill


I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.

"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

[thedrifter]

Hunting Doctors

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

[thedrifter]

The Hunting Trip

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"