Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Fair Play

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

[thedrifter]

Fairest Tax?


At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

[thedrifter]

Fairway Drive


Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.

The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.

Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody,and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."

[thedrifter]

First Day of School


A child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

[thedrifter]

First Day of School (a true story)


On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What did you do at school today?"

The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".

Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?"

The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?"

[thedrifter]

First Grade Funnies

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them
come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

[thedrifter]

First Haircut

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son for his first haircut. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

[thedrifter]

First Meeting

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be uncertain or confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

This sounds like a perfect forum for yet another speech by Vice President Al Gore...

[thedrifter]

The First Parent


The First Parent
by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

[thedrifter]

First Pregnancy


A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

[thedrifter]

First Sunburn

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

[thedrifter]

First Week of School


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

[thedrifter]

Fisherman's Tale

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

[Phantom Blooper]

>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
>What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
>pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
>went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>Wal-Mart.
>
>I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
>X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
>saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who
>would buy that?"
>
>Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
>standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
>my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
>wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
>the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
>in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at
>the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
>huge leap of imagination.
>
>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
>for a couple of hours.
>
>The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
>and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
>more.
>
>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>Christmas dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What is
>that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
>"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
>into the dining room.
>
>But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
>have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
>in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
>
>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
>said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>
>I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
>the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
>was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
>in front of the sofa.
>
>The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
>across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
>Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
>garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
>collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
>back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
>tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
>bachelor party movies.
>
>I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[thedrifter]

Little Steven Kelley came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Steven Kelley then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[thedrifter]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

[thedrifter]

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home...and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room...and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[thedrifter]

A Fish Tale

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

[thedrifter]

Fishing Bait

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[thedrifter]

Fishing Interlude

Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?"

Onlooker: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it."

[thedrifter]

Fishintalk

WHEN FISHERMEN MEET

"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"

[thedrifter]

Fishing Terms

10 COMMON FISHING TERMS EXPLAINED

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

[thedrifter]

Fishing Trip 1

Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men manges to catch a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[thedrifter]

Fishing Trip 2


Warning, you are entering a pun zone!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Phantom Blooper]

A Priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in
a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the
Priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.
At the same time the Priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided
to say something during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you
will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men
stood up.

"No, no." he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among
you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All
the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "that's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that
doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choir
boys stood up.

[Phantom Blooper]

A little girl went over to grandmas house, she saw grandma get out of the shower.

She asked, “ What’s that?”

Grandma replied, “ That’s my beaver… one day you will have one just like it!”

A few weeks later she saw he mother get out of the shower and said:

“ Mom that’s your beaver “

Her mother said in a scolding voice: “ Where did you hear that awful word? “

The little girl replied:

“ From Grandma, but I think her beaver is dead, it’s tongue is hanging out!”

[thedrifter]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

[thedrifter]

"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

She then goes around the room asking each child.

Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."

Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."

Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna **** on the piano."

[thedrifter]

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[thedrifter]

Fitness Program

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

[thedrifter]

Five Minutes


A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

[thedrifter]

Flag Day (serious, not humor)


June 14th is "Flag Day" in the United States. I feel that it is important to remember our flag. In the most simple terms, Flag Day is the birthday of the United States Flag.

While we traditionally celebrate July 4th as the birthday of the United States itself, it was many years after 1776 that the idea of a special day to celebrate the Flag came about. A very nice history of Flag Day can be found here.

The anniversary of the Flag Resolution of 1777 was established by President Wilson in 1916, but it was not until 1949 that President Truman designated June 14th of each year as National Flag Day.

It seems appropriate to mention the Pledge of Allegiance and, personally I cannot think of the Pledge without thinking of Red Skelton. He was one of the greatest comedians I can remember. He was funny without being smutty. He also made some profound statements. One of those is his "Commentary on the Pledge of Allegiance." I first posted his commentary to the Good Clean Fun web site on July 17, 1998.

You can read it below or you can hear the words as Red Skelton spoke them on his television show. "RealAudio" is required. (Thank you, Carl, for letting me know of this site).

The words are just as meaningful now as they were so many years ago.


Commentary on the Pledge of Allegiance

by Red Skelton

As a schoolboy, one of Red Skelton's teachers explained the words
and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class. Skelton later
wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture.
It is followed by an observation of his own.



I - - Me; an individual; a committee of one.

Pledge - - Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.

Allegiance - - My love and my devotion.

To the Flag - - Our standard; Old Glory ; a symbol of Freedom; wherever
she waves there is respect, because your loyalty has given
her a dignity that shouts, Freedom is everybody's job.

United - - That means that we have all come together.

States - - Individual communities that have united into forty-eight
great states. Forty-eight individual communities with pride
and dignity and purpose. All divided with imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common purpose, and that is love for
country.

And to the Republic - - Republic--a state in which sovereign power is
invested in representatives chosen by the people
to govern. And government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.

For which it stands

One Nation - - One Nation--meaning, so blessed by God.

Indivisible - - Incapable of being divided.

With Liberty - - Which is Freedom; the right of power to live one's own
life, without threats, fear, or some sort of retaliation.

And Justice - - The principle, or qualities, of dealing fairly with others.

For All - - For All--which means, boys and girls, it's as much your
country as it is mine.

And now, boys and girls, let me hear you recite the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands; one nation, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.

Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country,
and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God.
Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that was a prayer, and should
be eliminated from schools, too?

Red Skelton

[thedrifter]

Flirting

The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a cetain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts five dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with this note attached: "Other three on payday."

[thedrifter]

Flight Delay

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Flight Training Class

While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.

"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."

[thedrifter]

Flooding


Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.

The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."

The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."

The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."

[thedrifter]

The Florida Minister

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

[thedrifter]

The Florist

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"

[thedrifter]

Flowers


"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers."


:banana:

[thedrifter]

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when it's all ****ed up?!"

[thedrifter]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

[thedrifter]

Fairy Godmother

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[thedrifter]

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise..."

[thedrifter]

Fallacies - Setting Them Straight

It's time for some of our world-renowned fallacies. You can get trivia anywhere, but only Dribbleglass.com sets the record straight about popular widely held misconceptions and misinformation.

* No witches were burned during the Salem Trials of 1692. All the victims were hanged, except for one man, who was pressed to death with stones.

* You might be surprised to learn that there are more pyramids in Mexico than Egypt.

* "Seinfeld" wasn't Jerry Seinfeld's first sitcom. He played the governor's speechwriter on "Benson," but was fired after three episodes.

* Play-Doh wasn't originally intended to be a toy. It was created to clean wallpaper.

* "The Man in the Iron Mask" didn't wear an iron mask —- it was made of black velvet stiffened with whalebone and fastened behind the head with a padlock or steel springs.

* Brides do not walk down the aisle of a church during a wedding. The center section, or passage, of a church is correctly called a "nave."

* "Mrs." is not an abbreviation for "missus" as is often believed. "Mrs." is short for "mistress," the feminine form of "mister," which in turn originally meant "master." For obvious reasons, "Mrs." is no longer spelled out.

* No sailor would use the term "knots per hour." Knots are a measurement of speed — one nautical mile per hour.

* Saturn isn't the only planet in our solar system with a ring. In fact, the only planet without a ring is Earth.
(Correction: Earth is one of the five planets in our solar system without a ring. There are rings around Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. There are no rings around Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and Pluto.)

* Harpo Marx was fully capable of speaking.

* You might not think so, but lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

[thedrifter]

Fall Out!


As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[thedrifter]

Family Encouragement

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[thedrifter]

Fly Right!


My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane.

Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

[thedrifter]

Flying Home


A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Flying in Alaska


I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

[thedrifter]

Flying is Like Driving


On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

[thedrifter]

Food Comments


"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble
you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an
artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps.
Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but
it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a
charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave
me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick,
not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash
your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the
preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

[Phantom Blooper]

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!


Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.


More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us,
and the public (and Federal workers) be damned!

[thedrifter]

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

[thedrifter]

The teacher's trying to get all of her students to buy a copy of the class picture.

She says, "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you're all grown up. You'll say, There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or, 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

Dirty Johnny says, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[thedrifter]

Following


A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"Do you know why," the teacher asked.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?"

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office...'

[thedrifter]

Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

[thedrifter]

Football Official

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

[thedrifter]

Foot-and-Mouth Virus


Foot-And-Mouth Believed To Be First Virus
Unable To Spread Through Microsoft Outlook


Atlanta, Ga. - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that "foot-and-mouth" disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," and "Anna Kournikova," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

[thedrifter]

Forest Ranger


A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.

When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"

[thedrifter]

Forgetful George

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

[thedrifter]

Form 1040?


For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

[thedrifter]

For Sale By Owner


FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

[thedrifter]

For Sale (Maybe)

Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ... why do you ask?"

Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... it's too good to part with!"

[thedrifter]

For the Record

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"

There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

[thedrifter]

For Whom the Bell Tolls

This happened a few mornings ago at work....

I work at a large company and we often get wrong numbers on the office phones. My cube-neighbor, Steve, is in the habit of answering all of his calls on speakerphone, which means I have the pleasure of hearing them.

Yesterday morning, his phone rang and he picked up, saying "[name of company], this is Steve.." The woman on the other end said "Who is this?"

Steve said "With whom did you wish to speak?"

There was a long pause and the woman said "Did you just say WHOM?"

Steve: "Yes I did...."

Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.

[thedrifter]

Fortune Cookie

Found in a fortune cookie:

"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."

[thedrifter]

FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you foward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't foward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.

PS: I just got an email from Walt Disney Jr. He said that Mommy and I can get a trip to Disneyworld if enough people forward this email. Please help me.

[thedrifter]

Fractured Science

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

[Phantom Blooper]

> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered
> to be a
> public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
> possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
>
> calculator.
>
> At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
>
> believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He
> is
> being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>
> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
> solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
> a
> search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
> and
> refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong
> to a
> common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
> country.
>
> "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
> every
> triangle," Ashcroft declared.
>
> When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
>
> wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
> given
> us more fingers and toes.
>
> "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
> intent
> on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
> disintegrate us
> with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
> every
> sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
> circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and
> draw
> the line."
>
> President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
> potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
> before
> seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
> factor-in
> random facts of vertex."
>
> Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read
> my
> ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
> continue
> to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens
> around
> their necks."
>

[Phantom Blooper]

> > Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> with
> > a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
> If
> > another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> be able
> > to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> everything, I
> > wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a Coke.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
> woman. You
> > never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
> > ----------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> > at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> exotic
> > items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
> thing.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
> > insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
> cost me
> > twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back
> > together.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
> > hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
> a whole
> > show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a
> > calculator).
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
> > don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
> a
> > complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > ----- -------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> > about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have
> to make
> > up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> > mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her
> > any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> okay; I
> > don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
> mother,
> > too.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> > Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> > what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> of shoes
> > is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is
> fine! You
> > look fine. Can we just go now?
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will
> > share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> cooking, the
> > gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
> the
> > rest.

[Phantom Blooper]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"



The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and In an

out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

[Phantom Blooper]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking



her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked

with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she

said."I have to sleep in Daddy's room."



A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[Phantom Blooper]

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.



One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat



down, the Pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on

microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b***h to iron."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old



came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower. She said, Mommy, you are getting fat!"



I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,

that son of a b***h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a

b***h is nine....." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,

"What are you doing?"



The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."



"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.



"Yes," he answered.



Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b***h is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came

to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the

farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and

said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused

then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"



One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S**t!

A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!

[Phantom Blooper]

I recently...



picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh*t if you live to be 80?"

[thedrifter]

Secret of Santa

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit my Grandma on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go" "Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked.

"Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through it doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days "Take this money and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's. I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for. Suddenly I thought of Bobbie Decker. He sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobbie Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobbie Decker a coat. I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons, and write, "To Bobbie, From Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobbie Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobbie's house, then she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded on his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. From there we watched Bobbie come to the door and pick up his present from "Santa."

Forty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my grandma, in Bobbie Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

[thedrifter]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students ?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

"Triple filter ?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good ?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all ?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[thedrifter]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
>>>find
>>>out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
>>>
>>> Christmas With Louise
>>>
>>>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
>>>fireplace
>>>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
>>>
>>>they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
>>>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
>>>poor
>>>pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>>>
>>>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
>>>went
>>>in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>>>Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>>>
>>>If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
>>>yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
>>>"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
>>>inflatable doll section.
>>>
>>>I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
>>>substitute as
>>>a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
>>>hour.
>>>
>>>Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
>>>
>>>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>>>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
>>>"Lovable
>>>Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
>>>
>>>To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
>>>
>>>On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
>>>to
>>>life.
>>>
>>>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>>>
>>>hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
>>>pantyhose
>>>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>>>what
>>>remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
>>>for a
>>>couple of hours.
>>>
>>>The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
>>>house
>>>and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>>>confused.
>>>
>>>She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
>>>
>>>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>>>the
>>>family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>>>Christmas
>>>dinner.
>>>
>>>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
>>>the
>>>hell is that?" she asked.
>>>
>>>My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>>>
>>>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>>>
>>>I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>>>
>>>"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>>>
>>>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into
>>>dining room.
>>>
>>>But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>>>
>>>Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
>>>one
>>>wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
>>>hang
>>>on!"
>>>
>>>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
>>>and
>>>said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>>>
>>>I told him she was Jay's friend.
>>>
>>>A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
>>>Not
>>>just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realize this
>>>might
>>>be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>>>
>>>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
>>>who
>>>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
>>>like
>>>my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
>>>panty
>>>hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
>>>sofa.
>>>The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,and Grandpa
>>>ran
>>>across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
>>>mouth-to-mouth
>>>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>>>Granny
>>>threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>>>
>>>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>>>
>>>Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
>>>decide
>>>the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
>>>from
>>>a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
>>>
>>>Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
>>>to
>>>perfect health.

[thedrifter]

David Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
>
> 10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a
freakin' box
> all day long.
>
> 09. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning
around
to
>
> see who's behind you.
>
> 08. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gun
> fire.
>
> 07. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button,
you'll get
> a piece of cheese.
>
> 06. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
>
> 05. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work
right.
>
> 04. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
>
> 03. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
>
> 02. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of
life
> than your coworkers.
>
> And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...
>
> 01. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.
>
>

[Phantom Blooper]

One PAYDAY, Mr GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took Miss HERSHEY’S behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER and that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLLS and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed OH HENRY while squeezing his PETER PAUL .She said “Your even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!” Soon she was a bit CHUNKY. The result came nine months later the sweet BABY RUTH.

[Phantom Blooper]

ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking
of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office, and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But
what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to
watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I'll also want to watch reels two, three and
four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to
help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How
much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
>COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still
need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you
have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just
need to do some accounting for my home business. You know ... accounting?
You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course, you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's the word? Crash. And
if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing, and I need something
to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go
back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word ... the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

[Phantom Blooper]

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later...

Erma

[thedrifter]

Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.

"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".

"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".

So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.

"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"

"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."

Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage. "Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."

So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."

Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to **** the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"

He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"

And his brother says with a sneer "In a pig's ass you did!" and Donny says "That ****IN' radio!!!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and ****ers."

Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a ****er?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks."

Mom: "but who said they were called, er, ****ers?"

Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

[thedrifter]

Did you hear that next week Tipper Gore is going on the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband?

To prepare herself, she shaved off all the hair from her private parts. She will now sit on the stage with him and have her legs apart without any panties on.

What is her message? "Read my lips: No more Bush!"

[thedrifter]

Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."

Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"

Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"

Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

[thedrifter]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[thedrifter]

Frankfurt Airport

(One of those things that supposedly actually happened...)

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

[thedrifter]

Freckles

A grandmother and a little girl whose face was sprinkled with bright red freckles spent the day at the zoo. The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a boy in the line cried.

Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head. Her grandmother knelt down next to her. "I love your freckles," she said.

"Not me," the little girl replied.

"Well, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," the grandmother said, tracing her finger across the child's cheek. Freckles are beautiful."

The girl looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little girl peered into the old woman's smiling face.

"Wrinkles," she answered softly.

[thedrifter]

Free Money

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE.


Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.


How it does this with straight ASCII code is, franky, a matter of some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.


So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!


Attachment converted: deathlab:free_money_virus.sea (VIRUS/VRS) 0003D961


Content-Type: virus/sea; name="Free_Money_Virus" (SUCKER/SKR) (SRC:WTBR) Auto-Infect: enabled

[thedrifter]

Free Ride?

A woman got on the bus with her little boy and paid one fare.

The bus driver pointed out that she had to pay for her son.

"Children under six ride free," the woman said.

"Come on," the driver said. "He doesn't look a day under nine."

The woman shrugged and said, "Can I help it if he worries a lot?"

[thedrifter]

Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".

[thedrifter]

Free Zucchini

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a ha