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thedrifter
12-17-03, 06:40 PM
Fair Play

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

thedrifter
12-17-03, 06:40 PM
Fairest Tax?


At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

thedrifter
12-17-03, 06:41 PM
Fairway Drive


Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.

The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.

Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody,and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:14 AM
First Day of School


A child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:15 AM
First Day of School (a true story)


On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What did you do at school today?"

The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".

Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?"

The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:16 AM
First Grade Funnies

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them
come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:16 AM
First Haircut

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son for his first haircut. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:17 AM
First Meeting

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be uncertain or confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

This sounds like a perfect forum for yet another speech by Vice President Al Gore...

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:17 AM
The First Parent


The First Parent
by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:18 AM
First Pregnancy


A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:18 AM
First Sunburn

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:19 AM
First Week of School


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 06:19 AM
Fisherman's Tale

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Phantom Blooper
12-18-03, 06:25 AM
>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
>What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
>pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
>went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>Wal-Mart.
>
>I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
>X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
>saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who
>would buy that?"
>
>Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
>standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
>my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
>wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
>the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
>in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at
>the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
>huge leap of imagination.
>
>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
>for a couple of hours.
>
>The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
>and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
>more.
>
>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>Christmas dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What is
>that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
>"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
>into the dining room.
>
>But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
>have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
>in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
>
>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
>said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>
>I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
>the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
>was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
>in front of the sofa.
>
>The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
>across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
>Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
>garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
>collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
>back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
>tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
>bachelor party movies.
>
>I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:02 PM
Little Steven Kelley came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Steven Kelley then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:03 PM
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" <> The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:04 PM
You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home...and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room...and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:05 PM
A Fish Tale

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:06 PM
Fishing Bait

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:06 PM
Fishing Interlude

Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?"

Onlooker: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it."

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:07 PM
Fishintalk

WHEN FISHERMEN MEET

"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:07 PM
Fishing Terms

10 COMMON FISHING TERMS EXPLAINED

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:08 PM
Fishing Trip 1

Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men manges to catch a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

thedrifter
12-18-03, 07:09 PM
Fishing Trip 2


Warning, you are entering a pun zone!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phantom Blooper
12-18-03, 09:47 PM
A Priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in
a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the
Priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.
At the same time the Priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided
to say something during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you
will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men
stood up.

"No, no." he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among
you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All
the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "that's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that
doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choir
boys stood up.

Phantom Blooper
12-18-03, 09:49 PM
A little girl went over to grandmas house, she saw grandma get out of the shower.

She asked, “ What’s that?”

Grandma replied, “ That’s my beaver… one day you will have one just like it!”

A few weeks later she saw he mother get out of the shower and said:

“ Mom that’s your beaver “

Her mother said in a scolding voice: “ Where did you hear that awful word? “

The little girl replied:

“ From Grandma, but I think her beaver is dead, it’s tongue is hanging out!”

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:29 AM
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:30 AM
"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

She then goes around the room asking each child.

Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."

Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."

Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna **** on the piano."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:30 AM
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:31 AM
Fitness Program

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:32 AM
Five Minutes


A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:33 AM
Flag Day (serious, not humor)


June 14th is "Flag Day" in the United States. I feel that it is important to remember our flag. In the most simple terms, Flag Day is the birthday of the United States Flag.

While we traditionally celebrate July 4th as the birthday of the United States itself, it was many years after 1776 that the idea of a special day to celebrate the Flag came about. A very nice history of Flag Day can be found here.

The anniversary of the Flag Resolution of 1777 was established by President Wilson in 1916, but it was not until 1949 that President Truman designated June 14th of each year as National Flag Day.

It seems appropriate to mention the Pledge of Allegiance and, personally I cannot think of the Pledge without thinking of Red Skelton. He was one of the greatest comedians I can remember. He was funny without being smutty. He also made some profound statements. One of those is his "Commentary on the Pledge of Allegiance." I first posted his commentary to the Good Clean Fun web site on July 17, 1998.

You can read it below or you can hear the words as Red Skelton spoke them on his television show. "RealAudio" is required. (Thank you, Carl, for letting me know of this site).

The words are just as meaningful now as they were so many years ago.


Commentary on the Pledge of Allegiance

by Red Skelton

As a schoolboy, one of Red Skelton's teachers explained the words
and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to his class. Skelton later
wrote down, and eventually recorded, his recollection of this lecture.
It is followed by an observation of his own.



I - - Me; an individual; a committee of one.

Pledge - - Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.

Allegiance - - My love and my devotion.

To the Flag - - Our standard; Old Glory ; a symbol of Freedom; wherever
she waves there is respect, because your loyalty has given
her a dignity that shouts, Freedom is everybody's job.

United - - That means that we have all come together.

States - - Individual communities that have united into forty-eight
great states. Forty-eight individual communities with pride
and dignity and purpose. All divided with imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common purpose, and that is love for
country.

And to the Republic - - Republic--a state in which sovereign power is
invested in representatives chosen by the people
to govern. And government is the people; and it's from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.

For which it stands

One Nation - - One Nation--meaning, so blessed by God.

Indivisible - - Incapable of being divided.

With Liberty - - Which is Freedom; the right of power to live one's own
life, without threats, fear, or some sort of retaliation.

And Justice - - The principle, or qualities, of dealing fairly with others.

For All - - For All--which means, boys and girls, it's as much your
country as it is mine.

And now, boys and girls, let me hear you recite the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America,
and to the Republic, for which it stands; one nation, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.

Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country,
and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God.
Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that was a prayer, and should
be eliminated from schools, too?

Red Skelton

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:33 AM
Flirting

The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a cetain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts five dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with this note attached: "Other three on payday."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:34 AM
Flight Delay

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:34 AM
Flight Training Class

While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.

"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:35 AM
Flooding


Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.

The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."

The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."

The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:35 AM
The Florida Minister

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:35 AM
The Florist

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"

thedrifter
12-19-03, 06:36 AM
Flowers


"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Phantom Blooper
12-19-03, 07:38 AM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD!

But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers."


:banana:

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:02 PM
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when it's all ****ed up?!"

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:03 PM
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:04 PM
Fairy Godmother

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:04 PM
Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise..."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:05 PM
Fallacies - Setting Them Straight

It's time for some of our world-renowned fallacies. You can get trivia anywhere, but only Dribbleglass.com sets the record straight about popular widely held misconceptions and misinformation.

* No witches were burned during the Salem Trials of 1692. All the victims were hanged, except for one man, who was pressed to death with stones.

* You might be surprised to learn that there are more pyramids in Mexico than Egypt.

* "Seinfeld" wasn't Jerry Seinfeld's first sitcom. He played the governor's speechwriter on "Benson," but was fired after three episodes.

* Play-Doh wasn't originally intended to be a toy. It was created to clean wallpaper.

* "The Man in the Iron Mask" didn't wear an iron mask —- it was made of black velvet stiffened with whalebone and fastened behind the head with a padlock or steel springs.

* Brides do not walk down the aisle of a church during a wedding. The center section, or passage, of a church is correctly called a "nave."

* "Mrs." is not an abbreviation for "missus" as is often believed. "Mrs." is short for "mistress," the feminine form of "mister," which in turn originally meant "master." For obvious reasons, "Mrs." is no longer spelled out.

* No sailor would use the term "knots per hour." Knots are a measurement of speed — one nautical mile per hour.

* Saturn isn't the only planet in our solar system with a ring. In fact, the only planet without a ring is Earth.
(Correction: Earth is one of the five planets in our solar system without a ring. There are rings around Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. There are no rings around Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and Pluto.)

* Harpo Marx was fully capable of speaking.

* You might not think so, but lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:06 PM
Fall Out!


As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:07 PM
Family Encouragement

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:07 PM
Fly Right!


My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane.

Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:08 PM
Flying Home


A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:08 PM
Flying in Alaska


I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:09 PM
Flying is Like Driving


On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

thedrifter
12-19-03, 07:10 PM
Food Comments


"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble
you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an
artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps.
Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but
it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a
total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a
charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave
me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick,
not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash
your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the
preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

Phantom Blooper
12-19-03, 09:37 PM
"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!


Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.


More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us,
and the public (and Federal workers) be damned!

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:46 AM
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:47 AM
The teacher's trying to get all of her students to buy a copy of the class picture.

She says, "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you're all grown up. You'll say, There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or, 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

Dirty Johnny says, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:47 AM
Following


A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers, when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"Do you know why," the teacher asked.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?"

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office...'

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:48 AM
Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:48 AM
Football Official

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:49 AM
Foot-and-Mouth Virus


Foot-And-Mouth Believed To Be First Virus
Unable To Spread Through Microsoft Outlook


Atlanta, Ga. - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that "foot-and-mouth" disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," and "Anna Kournikova," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:50 AM
Forest Ranger


A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.

When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:50 AM
Forgetful George

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:51 AM
Form 1040?


For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:52 AM
For Sale By Owner


FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:52 AM
For Sale (Maybe)

Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ... why do you ask?"

Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale ... it's too good to part with!"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:53 AM
For the Record

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"

There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:53 AM
For Whom the Bell Tolls

This happened a few mornings ago at work....

I work at a large company and we often get wrong numbers on the office phones. My cube-neighbor, Steve, is in the habit of answering all of his calls on speakerphone, which means I have the pleasure of hearing them.

Yesterday morning, his phone rang and he picked up, saying "[name of company], this is Steve.." The woman on the other end said "Who is this?"

Steve said "With whom did you wish to speak?"

There was a long pause and the woman said "Did you just say WHOM?"

Steve: "Yes I did...."

Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:54 AM
Fortune Cookie

Found in a fortune cookie:

"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:54 AM
FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you foward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't foward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.

PS: I just got an email from Walt Disney Jr. He said that Mommy and I can get a trip to Disneyworld if enough people forward this email. Please help me.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:55 AM
Fractured Science

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 02:54 PM
> At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered
> to be a
> public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
> possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
>
> calculator.
>
> At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
>
> believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He
> is
> being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>
> "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
> solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
> a
> search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
> and
> refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong
> to a
> common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
> country.
>
> "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
> every
> triangle," Ashcroft declared.
>
> When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
>
> wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
> given
> us more fingers and toes.
>
> "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
> intent
> on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
> disintegrate us
> with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
> every
> sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
> circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and
> draw
> the line."
>
> President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
> potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
> before
> seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
> factor-in
> random facts of vertex."
>
> Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read
> my
> ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
> continue
> to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens
> around
> their necks."
>

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 02:56 PM
> > Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> with
> > a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
> If
> > another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> be able
> > to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> everything, I
> > wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a Coke.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
> woman. You
> > never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
> > ----------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> > at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> exotic
> > items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
> thing.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
> > insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
> cost me
> > twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back
> > together.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
> > hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
> a whole
> > show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a
> > calculator).
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
> > don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
> a
> > complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > ----- -------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> > about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have
> to make
> > up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> > mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her
> > any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> okay; I
> > don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
> mother,
> > too.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> > Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> > what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> of shoes
> > is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is
> fine! You
> > look fine. Can we just go now?
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will
> > share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> cooking, the
> > gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
> the
> > rest.

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 02:57 PM
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"



The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and In an

out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 02:58 PM
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking



her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked

with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she

said."I have to sleep in Daddy's room."



A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 03:00 PM
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.



One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat



down, the Pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on

microphone,

"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b***h to iron."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 03:02 PM
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old



came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower. She said, Mommy, you are getting fat!"



I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 03:04 PM
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five,

that son of a b***h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a

b***h is nine....." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,

"What are you doing?"



The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."



"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.



"Yes," he answered.



Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b***h is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 03:05 PM
One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came

to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the

farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and

said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused

then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"



One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S**t!

A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 03:14 PM
I recently...



picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh*t if you live to be 80?"

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:57 PM
Secret of Santa

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit my Grandma on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go" "Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked.

"Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through it doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days "Take this money and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's. I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for. Suddenly I thought of Bobbie Decker. He sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobbie Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobbie Decker a coat. I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons, and write, "To Bobbie, From Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobbie Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobbie's house, then she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded on his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. From there we watched Bobbie come to the door and pick up his present from "Santa."

Forty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my grandma, in Bobbie Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:58 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students ?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

"Triple filter ?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true ?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good ?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me ?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all ?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 07:59 PM
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
>>>find
>>>out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
>>>
>>> Christmas With Louise
>>>
>>>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
>>>fireplace
>>>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
>>>
>>>they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
>>>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
>>>poor
>>>pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>>>
>>>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
>>>went
>>>in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>>>Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>>>
>>>If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
>>>yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
>>>"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
>>>inflatable doll section.
>>>
>>>I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
>>>substitute as
>>>a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
>>>hour.
>>>
>>>Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
>>>
>>>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>>>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
>>>"Lovable
>>>Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
>>>
>>>To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
>>>
>>>On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
>>>to
>>>life.
>>>
>>>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
>>>
>>>hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
>>>pantyhose
>>>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
>>>what
>>>remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
>>>for a
>>>couple of hours.
>>>
>>>The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
>>>house
>>>and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>>>confused.
>>>
>>>She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
>>>
>>>We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>>>the
>>>family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>>>Christmas
>>>dinner.
>>>
>>>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
>>>the
>>>hell is that?" she asked.
>>>
>>>My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>>>
>>>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
>>>
>>>I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>>>
>>>"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>>>
>>>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into
>>>dining room.
>>>
>>>But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
>>>
>>>Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
>>>one
>>>wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
>>>hang
>>>on!"
>>>
>>>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
>>>and
>>>said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
>>>
>>>I told him she was Jay's friend.
>>>
>>>A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
>>>Not
>>>just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realize this
>>>might
>>>be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>>>
>>>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
>>>who
>>>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
>>>like
>>>my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
>>>panty
>>>hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
>>>sofa.
>>>The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,and Grandpa
>>>ran
>>>across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
>>>mouth-to-mouth
>>>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>>>Granny
>>>threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>>>
>>>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>>>
>>>Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
>>>decide
>>>the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
>>>from
>>>a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
>>>
>>>Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
>>>to
>>>perfect health.

thedrifter
12-20-03, 08:00 PM
David Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
>
> 10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a
freakin' box
> all day long.
>
> 09. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning
around
to
>
> see who's behind you.
>
> 08. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gun
> fire.
>
> 07. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button,
you'll get
> a piece of cheese.
>
> 06. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
>
> 05. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work
right.
>
> 04. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
>
> 03. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
>
> 02. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of
life
> than your coworkers.
>
> And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...
>
> 01. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.
>
>

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 08:35 PM
One PAYDAY, Mr GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took Miss HERSHEY’S behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER and that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLLS and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed OH HENRY while squeezing his PETER PAUL .She said “Your even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!” Soon she was a bit CHUNKY. The result came nine months later the sweet BABY RUTH.

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 08:54 PM
ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking
of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office, and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But
what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to
watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I'll also want to watch reels two, three and
four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to
help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How
much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
>COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still
need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you
have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just
need to do some accounting for my home business. You know ... accounting?
You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course, you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's the word? Crash. And
if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing, and I need something
to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go
back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word ... the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

Phantom Blooper
12-20-03, 09:33 PM
Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later...

Erma

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:30 AM
Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.

"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".

"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".

So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.

"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"

"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."

Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage. "Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."

So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."

Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to **** the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"

He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"

And his brother says with a sneer "In a pig's ass you did!" and Donny says "That ****IN' radio!!!"

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:30 AM
Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and ****ers."

Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a ****er?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks."

Mom: "but who said they were called, er, ****ers?"

Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:31 AM
Did you hear that next week Tipper Gore is going on the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband?

To prepare herself, she shaved off all the hair from her private parts. She will now sit on the stage with him and have her legs apart without any panties on.

What is her message? "Read my lips: No more Bush!"

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:31 AM
Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."

Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"

Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"

Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:32 AM
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:32 AM
Frankfurt Airport

(One of those things that supposedly actually happened...)

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:33 AM
Freckles

A grandmother and a little girl whose face was sprinkled with bright red freckles spent the day at the zoo. The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a boy in the line cried.

Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head. Her grandmother knelt down next to her. "I love your freckles," she said.

"Not me," the little girl replied.

"Well, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," the grandmother said, tracing her finger across the child's cheek. Freckles are beautiful."

The girl looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little girl peered into the old woman's smiling face.

"Wrinkles," she answered softly.

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:34 AM
Free Money

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE.


Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money" can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.


How it does this with straight ASCII code is, franky, a matter of some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.


So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!


Attachment converted: deathlab:free_money_virus.sea (VIRUS/VRS) 0003D961


Content-Type: virus/sea; name="Free_Money_Virus" (SUCKER/SKR) (SRC:WTBR) Auto-Infect: enabled

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:34 AM
Free Ride?

A woman got on the bus with her little boy and paid one fare.

The bus driver pointed out that she had to pay for her son.

"Children under six ride free," the woman said.

"Come on," the driver said. "He doesn't look a day under nine."

The woman shrugged and said, "Can I help it if he worries a lot?"

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:35 AM
Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:35 AM
Free Zucchini

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:36 AM
Friars

There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.

After a while, people heard about all the wonderous plant life the Friars were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for the seeds and tours.

After a while, they made such a tremendous profit that they decided to drop religion all together and become very wealthy and materialistic, which seemed to be more noble (not to mention a lot more fun).

The Pope heard about this, and as the owner of the land, decided to send a priest out to talk the Friars back into their religious life. When the priest arrived, the Friars responded badly to his conversion attempts and slit the priest's throat. Needless to say, the Pope was very upset at the news, and decided he'd have to brings out the big guns. (No, I won't mention religious canons.)

The Pope decided to send Bishop Hue to settle the matter. Now Bishop Hue was known to have a very bad temper. He went to see the Friars, who tried to slit his throat, too. Bishop Hue defended himself, slaying all the Friars, burning the monastery to the ground, destroying all the plant life, and ruining the area for many, many years to come.

MORAL: Only Hue can prevent Florist Friars.

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:36 AM
Friendly Argument


During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:37 AM
Friendly Skies

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:37 AM
Fruitcake Recipe #1


1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.

6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the "fruitcake."

9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake."

10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake ... that's just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

thedrifter
12-21-03, 07:38 AM
Fruitcake Recipe #2

Items Needed:
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
4 Oz Dried Raisins
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!)

1. Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

2. Take the fruit bits and raisins (five-year-old dried raisins are preferred) and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits and dried raisins should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

3. For best result, you should pretreat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

4. Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and decorative paper with a lovely bow on top and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

WHO EVER EATS FRUITCAKE ANYWAY?

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:32 AM
One day, Mom was cleaning Little Johhny's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:33 AM
Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:33 AM
Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the teacher asked, "Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?"

So little Johnny's arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little Maggie. Little Maggie quickly stood up and said "My sister has a cold and it's contagious" to which the teacher responded "Good answer!"

Then the teacher asked again "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?" Again little Johnny's arm shot up and again the teacher overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.

Mark quickly stood up and said "If you have the measles you are contagious"

"Very good!" was the response from the teacher.

So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said "Go ahead little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would all like to hear it."

So little Johnny stood up and said "Well me and my dad were out on the porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5 minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another beer, so my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went to mow the lawn again. My dad turned to me and said "Son it's going to take that **** ages to mow the lawn!"

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:34 AM
"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush." —Bill Maher

"Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, what's he going to get his dad for Christmas next year?" —Jay Leno

"One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for flees on FOX News." —David Letterman

"You've seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. It's the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean." —David Letterman

"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times." —Jay Leno

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:35 AM
"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:36 AM
In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman

"The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes." —Jay Leno

"While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget — all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy." —Jon Stewart

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:37 AM
The Funeral


The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars. However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave. As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "It's nothing... just his beeper."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:37 AM
The Funeral 2

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:38 AM
Funeral

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather ... and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:38 AM
Funny Money


On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday
cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my
wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I
have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something
to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at
it kind of funny and says

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and

IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."
[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining
area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later
this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says
[at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and
says

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and
it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to
see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:39 AM
The Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!"

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:40 AM
The Game Warden

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him.

"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:40 AM
Garage Sale


Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:41 AM
Gas Company

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

thedrifter
12-22-03, 08:42 AM
Geekonics

Geekonics
By John Woestendiek
Philadelphia Inquirer
Wed., January 8, 1997

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children
who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board
in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English,
or "Geekonics", as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek"
and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school
board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy"
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school
board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during
a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close
to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to
process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement
was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children
have grown up in households headed by computer technicians,
programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost ability to
speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their
high-tech vernacular to their children.

HELPING THE TRANSITION

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher
awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children
make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn,
could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that
would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood
coursing through their veins.

"Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development,
with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't
download the data we need to modulate our oral output,"
Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects
a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.

Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars
to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in
the right direction.

"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing,
like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the
Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered
in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.

THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE

"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics
Coalition. Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping
bloodhound about this."

Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including
Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they
approved of the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon
Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization
would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a
summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility,
finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan,
which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is
voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper
information-request forms.

Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of
Geekonics as an official language.

"I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president
of the Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem
computer dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or
a black computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot --
RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But
dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that
only by enacting many different English languages, in addition
to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up
happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that
is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity.

Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.


But wait, there's more!:

Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics

Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics

Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics

Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics

Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics

Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics

Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics

Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics

Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics

Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics

German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)

French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)

Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics

Phantom Blooper
12-22-03, 03:19 PM
Little Stevie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father, the family dog at his feet, was trying to read in the den. As the screeching sounds of little Stevie's violin reached his ears, the dog began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Finally, he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For crying out loud, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?":bunny:

Sticky blue
12-22-03, 06:04 PM
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/page.cfm?objectid=13674265&method=full&siteid=50143
Click on the video link at the bottom! This wasn't an attack but just the Army trying to be Marines. It has to be seen to be believed... honest! They end up in such a state. Please ensure you are sat on a towel or a toilet or you will wet the seat. The video link is at the bottom of the page called recce... I accept no responsibility for ruined pants or chairs or damage to electrical equipment from the effect of your urine on it.

Aye
Sticky

Phantom Blooper
12-22-03, 08:31 PM
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
:banana:

Phantom Blooper
12-22-03, 08:35 PM
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" :banana:

Phantom Blooper
12-23-03, 05:43 AM
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and
Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other.
Every
morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their
respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I
can't swim, or I'd swim this river and whup you!"

"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars
that
I can't swim, or I'd swim this river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But
the
insults went on every morning. Every day.
Another five years.

Finally, Mr. Rufus' wife had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day,
"I
can't take no more! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to
whup
Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.

"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place.
"I'm gonna whup Clarence!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to
the
bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge,
then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door,
bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.

"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"

"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.

"What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the
bridge and saw a sign that said 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't
never looked that big from the other side of the river."

Phantom Blooper
12-23-03, 05:45 AM
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at
Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class,
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight
Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by
the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and
wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said.
"Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Ms. Jones asked.
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we
sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa
Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
leave
him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now,
Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" she asked. "Well, we also sing
carols!" Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing," Ms.
Jones requested.
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We
all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get
inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, "What a Friend
We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Phantom Blooper
12-23-03, 06:05 AM
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top. An argument broke out between the daughter and father over what he thought was her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way; it was the style. He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!" "Yes dear," she said, "you did. You asked me for my phone number."

Phantom Blooper
12-23-03, 07:16 AM
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,


"Take all you want. God is watching the apples.":banana:

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:46 AM
Little Johnny goes to the drugstore for some condoms.

He goes up to the counter and asks, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do," replied Johnny. "They keep you from getting VD."

"OK," said the pharmacist. "Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Johnny thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly. But they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:47 AM
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom."

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:48 AM
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:48 AM
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:48 AM
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.

When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face.

Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.

Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.

At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad ****ed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."

They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks. (That's balls to North Americans)

Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.

Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.

Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."

They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.

Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.

Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "**** this, I'm going back to Baghdad."

Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:49 AM
Gender Signs

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurant restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me. I need to use the restroom," he said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked MEN. Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:49 AM
Generation Gap

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:50 AM
Generation Gap 2


My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:50 AM
Generic Movie Disaster Script

(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to
tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and
be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president,
looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster
is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.
I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the
laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the
heroine.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming;
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
relieved.)

PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:51 AM
First Draft of Genesis

Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. It begins:

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said, 'Let there be light.' And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:52 AM
The Genie

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:52 AM
George


A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:53 AM
Geraniums

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:53 AM
Get Back In There!


Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

thedrifter
12-23-03, 09:54 AM
Get Me One Too


A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning". After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".

Phantom Blooper
12-23-03, 01:47 PM
The following are some very good stock tips.

Today in the markets:

1. Helium is up.
2. Feathers are down.
3. Paper was stationary.
4. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
5. Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
6. The market for Raisns dried up.
7. Coca-Cola fizzled.
8. Balloon prices were inflated.
9. And Scott Tissue, reached a New Bottom.

Keep an eye on the market, things are booming!

Sincerely,
Irving Padric ****tebag

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:39 AM
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom."

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:39 AM
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.

While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny ****hauer."

So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"

The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny ****hauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a ****hauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:40 AM
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:40 AM
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to my balls."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:41 AM
Getting A's

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One more student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said.

"You all get "A's."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:41 AM
Getting Away

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:42 AM
Getting Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:42 AM
Getting the Message

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa!!

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:43 AM
Getting Old


You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more
decades in 4 different formats.

In 1978 - 8-track tape.
In 1983 - cassette tape.
In 1987 - vinyl.
In 1994 - CD.

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:43 AM
Getting a Passport

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:43 AM
Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:44 AM
The Gift


After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:44 AM
The Gift


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:45 AM
Gift to Dad


A lumberjack had raised his only son & had managed to finance the young man's college education by the only way he knew how, cutting down trees, by hand.

The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college.

When the son started college he promised himself the first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man's life easier. The son saved & scrimped & finally had enough money to purchase the finest chain saw in the world.

On a school vacation the son asks his dad how many trees could he cut down in one day. The father a large husky man thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave the father the brand new chain saw & said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and only work half as hard.

The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world. The young man left for school the next morning & wasn't able to return until the next school break, 3 months later.

When he arrived he immediately noticed that his dad appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling alright. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder & harder & now with the new chain saw he was working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as before.

The son knew there was something wrong & thought perhaps the saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised. He asked to check it out. Upon examining it he checked the oiler & it was full. He checked the gas & it too was full. He yanked on the cord & immediately it roared to life.

His father grabbed him by the shirt & hollered, "WHAT'S THAT NOISE!!!!"

thedrifter
12-24-03, 08:45 AM
The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years-- and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge -- if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

Phantom Blooper
12-24-03, 01:21 PM
On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree -
My 12 cats were laughing at me

On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
8 shattered ornaments,
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
9 chewed-through light strings,
8 shattered ornaments,
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
10 tinsel hairballs,
9 chewed-through light strings,
8 shattered ornaments,
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree -
11 broken branches,
10 tinsel hairballs,
9 chewed-through light strings,
8 shattered ornaments,
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree -
12 cats a-climbing,
11 broken branches,
10 tinsel hairballs,
9 chewed-through light strings,
8 shattered ornaments,
7 half-dead rodents,
6 fallen angels,
5 shredded gifts,
4 males a-spraying,
3 missing Wise Men,
2 mangled garlands,
and my 12 cats laughing at me...

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:09 AM
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom."

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:10 AM
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.

While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny ****hauer."

So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"

The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny ****hauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a ****hauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:10 AM
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:11 AM
Guys vs. Men
Reprinted from the Engaged Couples Mailing List
Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:11 AM
Spousal Advice, Then and Now
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
The following is excerpted from a 1950's high school home-economics textbook.

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children: take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE: 1995 REVISION
by Cheryl Dyson

Have dinner ready once a week: Plan ahead, even five minutes before, to have a delicious meal -- stop at Taco Bell on the way home. The rest of the week, scrounge food from fridge and cupboards. Spagettios are quick and easy. Tell your husband that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs and would he please make himself a sandwich because you are too tired. Most men are hungry when they come home, so ignore their whining and point them toward the fridge.

Prepare yourself: Leave him with the kids one night and go shopping. You have just been with a lot of work-weary people. Your boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Kick magazines, papers, and mail off the coffee table so you can eat off it while you watch TV. Have the remote handy. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children: If you both need a break, send them to Grandma's house in another state. If Grandma won't take them, take a few minutes tie children's hands and feet, and don't forget the gag. Tell them you are playing Cops and Robbers and you will free them as soon as their lawyer arrives. Usually, they will fall asleep before you come to untie them hours later. Your husband will think you are a genius, but don't expect flowers.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Ha ha! Just kidding. We know you don't possibly have time to do laundry or vacuum. That stuff will have to wait until your next 3-day weekend. If you want things quiet, turn the TV down. Try to encourage the children to be quiet (See Cops and Robbers, above). Be happy to see him if he stopped to rent videos. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. If he doesn't seem equally glad to see you, start an argument. Since things are nice and quiet, he will be sure to hear you.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. He doesn't understand what you mean. This will lead to an argument. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, unless he was supposed to pick it up on his way home. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him (same thing you're drinking unless his preference is different). Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. This will alarm him and he will wonder if he has forgotten your anniversary or birthday. You could get a present out of it. Allow him to relax and unwind before mentioning that it's his turn to take the kids to the dentist.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. This will placate his ego. His six words won't take long, then you can yammer his ear off with the knowledge that he will ignore you, anyway, since Hard Copy is doing a series on Hooters in Hawaii.

Make the evening yours: Complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. If that doesn't work, leave. Go out to dinner yourself. After a few evenings alone with the kids, he'll see the wisdom of your words.

The goal: Try to make your bathroom a place of peace and order where you can renew yourself in body and spirit. Calgon, take me away!

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:12 AM
John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:12 AM
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:12 AM
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy *****".

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:13 AM
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"



This guy was talking to this girl and he was saying sick stuff so she goes back to he boyfriend and tells him and he says "Well we will give him one more chance before I beat him up."

So she goes back and five minutes later comes back and tells her boyfriend, "He said he was going to tip me upside down and pour whisky in my **** and then he would drink it all. Go beat him up!"

The guy says, "If he can drink that much whisky I dont want to mess with him!"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:13 AM
Ginzu Knives

I bought a set of Ginzu knives for only three easy payments of $29.95 and they came with a lifetime guarantee. When the handles fell off, I returned the knives with my lifetime guarantee asking for a refund.

They wrote back saying, "The guarantee was for the lifetime of the knives. Obviously, the knives are dead, so the guarantee is no longer valid."

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:14 AM
Give A Man A Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:15 AM
Glass of Milk


Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

MIS Analyst:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Multimedia author:


Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Schroedinger:
That damned cat got into the milk again!

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is
good for you.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:15 AM
The Glass Perspective 1


Finding a bright spot in the ominous task known variously these days as "rightsizing" or "workplace reengineering" isn't easy. But one consultant brought in to help remaining managers through the process of reducing the workforce while maintaining productivity added a contemporary twist to the old classic question.

"What does the optimist say about the glass and the water?" he asked.

"It's half full," was the reply!

"And what does the pessimist say?" he queried. "It's half empty."

"And, what does the process re-engineer have to say about it?"

Silence - until the consultant revealed the new additional answer: "Looks like you've got twice as much glass as you need there!"

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:16 AM
The Glass Perspective 2

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

thedrifter
12-26-03, 07:16 AM
The Global IBM Village


KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. yesterday to crush a nut.

"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. yesterday to crush a nut.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today." yesterday to crush a nut.

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem." yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of- the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse. yesterday to crush a nut.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual. yesterday to crush a nut.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."

Phantom Blooper
12-26-03, 03:02 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1lb. package of bacon.



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Phantom Blooper
12-27-03, 06:09 AM
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know ... I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my ... test ... results ... back? :banana:

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:55 AM
The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets ****ed off. She goes *****ing to Little Johnny's father. She comes to Little Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny ****ing a goat in the front yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's being carnal with a goat in the front yard!"

Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling, "Son of a *****! Today is my turn!"

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:56 AM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:56 AM
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny.

"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.

"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"

"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:57 AM
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your ****in' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!"

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:57 AM
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:57 AM
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns.

He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.

He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.

"Goddammit!" he said.

"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."

The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.

"Well ****, *******, hell, ****!" exclaims the nun.

"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.

"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a ****in' tree."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:58 AM
Glossary of Common Computer Terms

ALPHA: An early working copy of a program, prone to crashes. See
"BETA."

AUTOEXEC.BAT: Hell in a very small file.

BETA: An early, working copy of a program, prone to crashes,
and shrink-wrapped for retail. See "BUG PATCH."

BOOT DISK: The virus laden floppy you just left in someone's disk
drive. "Oh don't worry, it's only my boot disk."

BUG PATCH: Modifies existing programs by changing current bugs into
new ones. See "UPGRADE."

CONFIG.SYS: See "AUTOEXEC.BAT."

CD-ROM: A high-tech drink coaster.

EDUATAINMENT: Games that are neither entertaining nor educational, sold
to guilty parents.

END USER: Someone less computer literate than you are.

HARD DRIVE: Getting from Fairbanks to Portland in December.

HARDWARE 24 pages of Korean limericks printed upside down.
MANUAL:

INTERACTIVE Although a lot like television, you actually must sit
MOVIE: much closer to the screen in order for it to work.

JUMPERS: Impossibly small pieces of plastic that end-users are
supposed to use as manually configured circuit breakers.

MACINTOSH: Expensive computers lacking both good games and
disk-eject buttons.

PLATFORM A window washer with a high-powered rifle.
SHOOTER:

PLUG AND Plug it in and start playing right away. Also known as
PLAY: Nintendo.

PRINTER: An evil leech that hooks onto your PC and demands a
constant supply of fresh ink and paper. _NEVER_ try to
feed one an envelope.

RAM: Like money, there's never enough to go around.

ROLEPLAYING A group of people gather together, create their own
GAME: characters, and share adventures. In computer terms, a
lone user playing a premade character in a predetermined
storyline through a cumbersome interface.

SHAREWARE: When Mom makes you share your games with your little
brother. Yuck!

SIMULATION: Too boring to be called a game, but too inaccurate to be
educational, hence it "simulates" both.

TECH SUPPORT A direct line to a company's voice mail system.
NUMBER:

UPGRADE: A shrink wrapped bug patch, often an early working
version. See "ALPHA."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:59 AM
God Made Me


A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 06:59 AM
Going Out In Style

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phantom Blooper
12-27-03, 06:59 AM
Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . .we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry... we still have one engine left." Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

:banana:

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:01 AM
Golden Wedding Anniversary Thoughts

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?"

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce.

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:02 AM
The Golf Bag


About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed.

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:02 AM
The Golf Ball


Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:03 AM
Golf Buddies 1


Two friends were playing golf and one commented he was going to Dr. Brown to get some dentures made. "I did that two years ago, " his buddy said. "How do you like your new teeth? Did Dr. Brown do a good job for you?" "Let me tell you how much I like them. I was golfing the other day, a golfer hooked his tee shot on the adjacent hole, his ball took off and was going 600 miles an hour when it hit me right in the groin! That's the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt me."

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:04 AM
Golf Buddies 2

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

thedrifter
12-27-03, 07:04 AM
Golf Buddies 3


A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Phantom Blooper
12-28-03, 07:15 AM
Bill bought his beautiful blonde wife, Sherry, a cell phone for their first wedding anniversary. Sherry loved the gift, and watched intently as Bill explained all the features on the phone. The next day, as Sherry is having her hair done, her phone rings. It's Bill. "Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?" "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor ?"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:56 AM
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:56 AM
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.

"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:57 AM
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter."

"That's right," she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:58 AM
This guy was talking to this girl and he was saying sick stuff so she goes back to he boyfriend and tells him and he says "Well we will give him one more chance before I beat him up."

So she goes back and five minutes later comes back and tells her boyfriend, "He said he was going to tip me upside down and pour whisky in my **** and then he would drink it all. Go beat him up!"

The guy says, "If he can drink that much whisky I dont want to mess with him!"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:58 AM
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...

u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."

wife.. "What's wrong?"

u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

wife.. "Well, what can you do?"

u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500."

wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"

The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.

u/t.. "We could remove his penis."

wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."

wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:58 AM
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:59 AM
Golf Clubs


A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.

The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.

But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."

thedrifter
12-28-03, 07:59 AM
Golf Couple 1

Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together every Saturday.

One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since."

Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."

Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this? . . . and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees!!"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:00 AM
Golf Couple 2


"You think so much of your game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife.

"Of course I do honey," the husband said. "It was the day after I sank that 40-foot putt."

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:00 AM
Golf Couple 3

A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.

His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.

After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good time."

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:01 AM
Golf Foursome

A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole.

His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker.

Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in.

The first golfer says "Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?"

The second golfer answered, "Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!"

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:02 AM
Golf is Good for You!


Did you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.


The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.***

CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*** Note: Based on the years mentioned in this piece, it appears to have been written around 1978. I visited several web sites devoted to the game of golf and found the following information:

Mr. Gene Sarazan, one of golf's greatest champions and one of sport's most enduring figures, passed away May 13, 1999 in Naples, Florida at the age of 97. He was born Eugenio Saraceni Feb. 27, 1902, in Harrison, New York, the son of an immigrant carpenter from Italy.

One commentator said, "Mr. Sarazen is still strong and still playing an excellent game of golf. I just happen to believe he is doing it on a heavenly course."

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:03 AM
Golf With Dignity

An older gentleman is on a golf green about to putt out, and a foursome is behind him, waiting for him to finish. Suddenly, on the road alongside the golf course, a shiny black hearse pulls into view, followed by an entourage of some fifty vehicles.

Immediately, the man takes off his hat, places it over his heart, and stands at a respectful silence until all fifty cars have slowly passed. He then puts on his hat, taps his ball into the hole, and walks to the next tee. The members of the foursome are impressed, and, when they catch up to him, say that it has been some time since they have witnessed such a display of respect and dignity. To which the older gentleman replies: "It's the least I could do ... on Monday we would have been married fifty years!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:04 AM
Golf Laws


These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:04 AM
Golf Meditations


If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

thedrifter
12-28-03, 08:05 AM
Golfing at Night?


Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband: "I was golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife: "WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!"

Husband: "Yes dear, we used night clubs."

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:25 AM
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:27 AM
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:27 AM
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:27 AM
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You ****ing *****, you wrecked my life.'"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:29 AM
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:29 AM
Golf Laws

These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:30 AM
Golf Meditations

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:30 AM
Golfing at Night?

Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband: "I was golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife: "WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!"

Husband: "Yes dear, we used night clubs."

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:31 AM
Golf Novice

A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, once he was able to speak again.

"Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:32 AM
Golf Questions

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions . . . like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:32 AM
Golf Partners


A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.

The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:33 AM
Golf Rules

THE RULES OF GOLF -- for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability if only they got an even break once in a while.

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed to not have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice, firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting any extra strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it shall be deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

6. Same thing applies for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.

7. Same thing for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics.

8. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "You could blow it in!", may be actually blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:33 AM
Golf Tees

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:34 AM
The Golfer

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:34 AM
The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, "nothing but net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:35 AM
Golfing in Scotland

An American, who is a scratch Golfer, visits Scotland for the first time. Taking a Scottish Caddie he plays a famous links course and finds he can't hit the ball straight. In fact he's having his worst round ever. At the end of the round in his extreme frustration he says to the Caddie: "You're the worst Caddie in the World!"

The Caddie responds, "I do not think so Laddie. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

thedrifter
12-29-03, 07:35 AM
Golfing in Scotland

An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.

The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan," and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.

The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:14 AM
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her

vaginal lips are much too large.

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed

and doesn't want anyone to find out.

The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed

beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I

asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from

me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second

one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she has

had the same operation done on herself."



"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn

unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:14 AM
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A. "No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away. "

Q. "Officer, who provided this description?"

A. "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q. "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender? Do you trust your fellow officers? "

A. "Yes sir, with my life."

Q. " With your life? Let me ask you this then, Officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?"

A. "Yes sir, we do. "

Q. "And do you have a locker in that room?"

A. "Yes sir, I do."

Q. "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A. "Yes, sir."

Q. "Now ,why is it then, officer - if you trust your fellow officers
with your life - that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with those same officers?"

A. "Well, you see, sir, we share the building with the court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's
"Best Comeback" line, and we think he'll win.

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:15 AM
The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".



The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's private. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Mercy sakes!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."


The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:16 AM
Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny. "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents' bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:17 AM
One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:18 AM
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You ****ing *****, you wrecked my life.'"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:18 AM
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:18 AM
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:19 AM
Golf Wedding

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.

"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.

"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:20 AM
Good Advice

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:20 AM
Good Grammar

Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Billy: I is ...

Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

Billy: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:21 AM
Good Manners

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:21 AM
Good Manners


The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:22 AM
Good News / Bad News

"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:22 AM
Good News / Bad News


The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:23 AM
Good News / Bad News 3

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK darling," said Billr, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"Okay," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

thedrifter
12-30-03, 07:23 AM
Good Points and Bad Points

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Doc Crow
12-30-03, 07:40 AM
Some of these are Great others well mom always said if you can not say something nice do not say anything :D

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:00 AM
Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny. "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat."

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents' bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:00 AM
One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:00 AM
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:01 AM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:02 AM
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day.

As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."



Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:02 AM
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"

He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.

He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"

The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:03 AM
Good Timing

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:04 AM
Goodbye, Charlie

Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip "Peanuts", recently retired. "Frozen in time", even though the comic strip was produced for almost 50 years, the Peanuts gang were in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?

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With apologies to Charles Schulz, here's what the Peanuts characters would be doing today:

Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwestern university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy: In dog years, he'd be 350. Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory.

thedrifter
12-31-03, 08:05 AM
Gooseberries, Rhubarb and Puckered Faces

GOOSEBERRIES, RHUBARB AND PUCKERED FACES
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, June 10, 1998
Lewiston Tribune

Rhubarb is the zucchini of fruit.

You know about zucchini, of course. It is a vegetable that gets by
with virtually no flavor of its own. It's a texture thing. It puts
the crunch in your lunch without adding bulk to your hulk.

Oh, I have had people with hyperactive imaginations try to tell me
they like the "taste" of zucchini. I know what they mean. There is
a minor little pleasantness in that vegetable, almost entirely in the
skin. That's why the smallest zucchini are the best -- a high ratio
of skin to bulk. But flavor is an exaggeration, almost a socially
irresponsible fabrication. Zucchini flavor is to vegetables what
those diluted fruit juice flavors in bottled mineral waters are to
soda pop. That stuff has all the flavor of watered coffee.

The only relevant use of the word "flavor" when talking about
zucchini (or tofu) depends on what the zucchini is associated with --
how much garlic and olive oil it has been rolled in, how much pork
juice and broccoli it is cooked with, how much seasoned egg and flour
it is dipped in before being deep-fried in hog fat.

Rhubarb isn't quite that bland on its own. Rhubarb does have some
flavor, most of which it should get rid of. Rhubarb creates two
sensations in the mouth -- a slightly friendly little rhubarb flavor
and a repulsive sourness that is intolerable without mounds of sugar.

But rhubarb, like zucchini and tofu, finds its place in the company
of other flavors, the way a bass drum finds its place with other
instruments. The bass drum is not a solo instrument (except perhaps
to the sort of people who tell you they like the flavor of rhubarb).

Rhubarb harmonizes with other things -- strawberries, for instance.
Strawberry flavor will infest rhubarb and, like a countess hanging
out with a clod, class it up a little. And like a clod humbling a
countess, the rhubarb will tone down the acid in strawberries. You
are half as likely to end up with hives on your belly if you mix
rhubarb into your strawberries.

But in truth, rhubarb might not be cultivated at all except for a
habit from former times in colder climes of preferring rhubarb to no
fruit at all. My parents, for instance, grew up in North Dakota
where there wasn't a lot of actual fruit around. And of course,
rhubarb isn't fruit. It is mock fruit.

It's a stalk actually, a big rigid thing that holds up a leaf,
usually a large leaf. We grow rhubarb at our house as a waist-high
ornamental in among the dogwoods, the azaleas, the rhododendrons and
the dandelions. Out of respect for my parents, we don't actually eat
something like that.

But treating rhubarb as a fruit and making pie out of it is about
like treating celery as a fruit. It's bizarre on the face of it.

Eating rhubarb in a valley filled with real fruit would be like
eating gruel when mashed potatoes and gravy are available.

Actually, my parents ate one other "fruit" while growing up in North
Dakota -- gooseberries. God invented gooseberries for people who
find rhubarb too sweet. Gooseberries, if you haven't had the
pleasure, are hard little balls of puckery acid about the texture and
appearance of a skinned badger eyeball.

As children, we used to go into the yard of a North Dakota refugee
and have toughness contests that involved seeing which kid could eat
more gooseberries straight off the bush, uncooked and without sugar.
It was a stupid, cruel kid thing that created life-long heartache.
Some of those kids were left permanently puckered.

There is a reason rhubarb and goose berries are so sour. They are
plants that thrive in places where it never gets warm enough to ripen
anything or to build any sugar in a plant. But rhubarb and goose
berries are about the best people can do for fruit in cold climates.
That's why people from the Midwest look so grumpy all the time. Deep
down, people from the Midwest are at least as pleasant as smiling
people elsewhere. It's just that all that rhubarb and gooseberry pie
has left them with a scrunched up little mouth through which no smile
can escape.

However, midwesterners do not generally grow zucchini because
zucchini is not a cold-hardy plant. And the Midwest isn't reliably
frost free, except for the week of Aug. 14-20.

Of course, it should be plain why Midwesterners don't eat tofu.

After eating rhubarb and gooseberries, they figure they have suffered
enough.