Chuckles of the Day...

[Phantom Blooper]

Marth Stuart's Holiday Planning List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug WindowsNT.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[Phantom Blooper]

MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, I I now serve only the northern United States.. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my brother in law,. Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "Gun Control is a Steady Hand."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. Bubba's sleigh also has a bumper sticker that reads "My Other Car is a John Deere" .

7. The interior of Bubba's sleigh is the envy of the south. It boasts the latest in 8 track technology, a top o' the line fuzzbuster, an oversized chrome foot shaped gas pedal, fully carpeted dash, and Yosemite Sam floormats.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band and black cowboy boots instead.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

[Phantom Blooper]

HELPFUL HOLIDAY DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out

3. If you eat standing up, it doesn't count!

4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards

5. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count

6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage

7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream

8. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount

9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes: Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
:banana: :)

[thedrifter]

----- Marines







FIRST MARINE: Hey, Jack, do you have time to run down to the saloon? One
of our boys is having a brawl with 35 sailors!

SECOND MARINE: Well, what the hell. Can't he take care of that many by himself?

FIRST MARINE: Sure, but he's getting hot. He wants somebody he can trust
to hold his coat.

[thedrifter]

ROBOTIC CADDIES


A man goes to a public golf course, approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."


The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to try one and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"


The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."


The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."


Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.


As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."


The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."


Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.


He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.


But his luck didn't end there!


His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie!


Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"


The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"


A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"


The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who the heck would have complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"

[thedrifter]

Dietary Information

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated in to meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees (32.2 degrees F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 ounces, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/degree x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from the body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 calories per 6 oz portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz x 1,020 cal/oz) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g. ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal/gm to melt them (i.e. raise them to 0 degrees C) and an addition 37 cal/gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running, hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces the opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with the pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Reality Check: In actuality, the "food" calorie is different from the "heat" calorie by a factor of 1000. When you are reading those "nutritional information" labels on food packaging, just multiply "calories" by 1000 to translate those "food" calories into "scientific" calories. So when that can of soup says that there are only 35 calories from fat out of 250 calories total, that really means 35,000 "heat" calories from fat out of 250,000 "heat" calories total.

(I think I'll just be less scientific in my food consumption. I like the math better that way! Now, where did I put that pizza?)

[thedrifter]

The Dietician

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

[thedrifter]

Diets and Donuts

A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.

Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop.

And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open spot right up front.

[thedrifter]

Dieter's Psalm

Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration
for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles
of the pastry department, I will
buy no sweetrolls for they are
fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans
and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids,
My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will
follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

[thedrifter]

The Diet - What It Says / What You Really Do

WHAT THE DIET SAYS

Breakfast---

1/2 grapefruit
black coffee
1 piece dry toast
1 sm. glass skim milk


Lunch

1 lettuce leaf
2 tomato slices
2 oz. broiled chicken
4 carrot sticks
1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter
1 cup red jello


Dinner

1/2 cup salad
1 tsp low fat Italian dressing
4 oz. hamburger patty
2 1/2 slices canned pear
1/4 cup cottage cheese
slice wheat bread

also--8 glasses of water


This is how it really turns out................

8 a.m. --Breakfast--
You skip breakfast. You're not hungry, and this gives you an extra
100 calories for the day.

10 a.m.--
You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being
brought into the office. You drink your first glass of water,
proudly resisting the doughnuts.

11 a.m.--
You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work.
You look forward to lunch.

12 p.m. --Lunch---
You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello,
which you have hated since you were a child because of that time
when you got your tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at
every meal.

1 p.m.--
You drink your second glass of water for the day.

1:30 p.m.--
You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.

2 p.m.--
You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel
at how a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your
co-worker has popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick
to even want any. She offers you some and you decline, telling her
how little you've eaten today and how the smell of the popcorn doesn't
even tempt you. She is impressed.

3 p.m.--
You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has candy on her
desk and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all,
have an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one
piece of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories
ahead.

3:30 p.m.--
You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs
in your desk -- only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.

3:45 p.m.--
You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.

4 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative,
but optimistic. You'll skip the pear at dinner.

5 p.m.--
You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you
through to dinnertime.

5:30 p.m.--
You arrive home. A bag of potato chips is blocking the way to the
hamburger helper that you will be using to make the family dinner.
After thinking twice about it you rip open the package and eat one chip.

5:35--
You eat one more chip.

6:30 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the package of potato chips, 6 tablespoons of
Hamburger Helper as you cook it, and then have with a pint of Haagen
Daz. You tell the family that you are doing too well on your diet to
ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.

[thedrifter]

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

[thedrifter]

Different Views

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

[thedrifter]

Digging For Worms

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[thedrifter]

Dilbert's Laws of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

[thedrifter]

Dining Manners

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

[Phantom Blooper]

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

[Phantom Blooper]

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph's honker!

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall

[Phantom Blooper]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store, looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch, as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing, "Silent Night."

The man becomes very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts singing "Jingle Bells." The man says that Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night" again. He then moves the lighter under Chet's right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing... "Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!"

[Phantom Blooper]

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.

[CPL-Mac]

Get well soon Drifter!

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

[thedrifter]

http://www.labattblue.com/pop_game1.html

[thedrifter]

Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place, picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Dining Out

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

[thedrifter]

Dinner Reservations

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.

Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Mom replied.

"Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[thedrifter]

Directions?

Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there, or because Moses refused to ask for directions?

[thedrifter]

Disaster!

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

[thedrifter]

Discouraged?


As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

[thedrifter]

Proper Diskette Usage and Care


Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...

You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

You can recover data from a damaged disk by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

[thedrifter]

Divorce Story

A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you,"the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago,"she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"

"Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

[Phantom Blooper]

BEST RUM CAKE EVER
1 or 2 quarts rum
baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. with an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the
rum again, and bo to ged.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Last request
>
> A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be
> executed.
>
> "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
>
> "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

[thedrifter]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
> > their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
> > transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He
ask
> > if they were willing to try it out. They were both in favor of it.
> > He set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that 10% was
> > probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However
as
> > the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and ask the doctor to kick
it
> > up a notch. Doc kicked it to 20%, still everthing was fine so they
decided
> > to try 50%. Still the husband felt well. Since the pain transfer was
> > obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband told the doc to
> > transfer all the pain to him.
> > The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, she and her
> > husband were ecstatic.
> > When they arrived home the mailman was dead on the porch!

[thedrifter]

DIY Virus


This is a DIY Virus (Do It Yourself).

I have unfortunately been very busy lately and haven't had the time to write a virus.

So please take a couple of minutes to open Windows, and randomly delete 10 or 12 files (including a minimum of 3 system files), and then send this e-mail to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[thedrifter]

Doctor! Doctor!

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

[thedrifter]

Does It Bother You.....

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

[thedrifter]

Dog Care


A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

[thedrifter]

Dog and Cat Characteristics

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and
get back to you when they are good and ready.

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.

[thedrifter]

Dogs and Light Bulbs


HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB


ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and
find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just
keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're
out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that
two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless.....
is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling
off the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace
bulb, land. Two: What light bulb So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you,
but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and
then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look
up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb
yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much
for being my friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light
bulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and
point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of,
what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change
it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to
do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that
light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the
cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.
I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you
took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it......... No, not
that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do
everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)

IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim
bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go
of old light bulb.......... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please????
Let go of the light bulb??????

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????

[thedrifter]

Doctor Appointment

A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

[Phantom Blooper]

Barbie's Christmas Beau
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken

[Phantom Blooper]

Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[CAS3]

VANILLA PUDDING
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.



Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[thedrifter]

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.


I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.


Today I sniffed many
Doggie derrieres - and I celebrate
By kissing your face.


I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look!


I lift my leg and
Anoint each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.


My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I
Have made a puddle.


Behold my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!


Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss -
Well, maybe catching rats. . .


Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.


My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet, expelling much gas.


How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.


I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.


Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you so much.

[thedrifter]

Dog Thoughts

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

[thedrifter]

A Dog's Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[thedrifter]

Doctor Visit

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Fee


When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?

[thedrifter]

Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is
so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
itself."


"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the
Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."


"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending any more time with you."


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another
office visit."


"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."


"Hmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)


"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and
the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured."


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."


"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig."


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go
away by itself."


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."


"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."


"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all
symptoms.


"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."


"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one."


"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a
psychiatrist who will split fees.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week."

[thedrifter]

Dog Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.


Sincerely,
The CAT

[thedrifter]

Doilies

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Edna and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[thedrifter]

Doing Homework

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Doing the Wash


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

[thedrifter]

Do It Yourself

The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, these vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" And he said, "No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself."

[thedrifter]

Do You Realize...

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

[thedrifter]

Don't Blame the Doc, Doc

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

[Phantom Blooper]

Letter From Santa
Dear Friend,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you if
you have been good this year and since you have I will
be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.

The 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird ****.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Sincerely, Santa

[Phantom Blooper]

> Because I am a man...
> >
> >
> > Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> with
> > a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
> If
> > another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> be able
> > to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> everything, I
> > wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a Coke.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
> woman. You
> > never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
> > ----------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> > at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> exotic
> > items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
> thing.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
> > insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
> cost me
> > twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back
> > together.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
> > hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
> a whole
> > show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a
> > calculator).
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
> > don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
> a
> > complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > ----- -------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> > about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have
> to make
> > up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> > mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her
> > any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> okay; I
> > don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
> mother,
> > too.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> > Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> > what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> of shoes
> > is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is
> fine! You
> > look fine. Can we just go now?
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will
> > share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> cooking, the
> > gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
> the
> > rest.

[thedrifter]

Don't Have Any

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

[thedrifter]

Don't Pay For Me


A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

[thedrifter]

The Dopeler Effect

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as on the CNN Tower.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

[thedrifter]

Double Negatives

linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Additional comment by Paul): This is an example of the uniquely American linguistic construct known as the "double sarcasm".

[thedrifter]

Doughboy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[thedrifter]

Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

[thedrifter]

Drinking Problem

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go .... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

[thedrifter]

Driver's Permit


A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "Perhaps, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

[Phantom Blooper]

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and.....

PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.

DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

[Phantom Blooper]

3 Wise Women


Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought
practical gifts.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Christmas Shopping


Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and
wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that
I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed
boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a
ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong.

He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers
and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old.
His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs.
She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless,
she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off
by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to
take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an
older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared
into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loudly did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[thedrifter]

The GBHP Driving Quiz


We've all seen it. People change when they get behind the wheel of a
car. So now, to profile your personality, here is the special Driving Quiz...

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?

a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...

a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...

a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.

a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...

a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...

a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last
year?

a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?

a: "go ahead"
b: "thank you"
c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...

a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...

a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you
should...

a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or
Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...

a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...

a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...

a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffered limousine is...

a: I don't have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people


Scoring The Quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for
every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points

You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and
observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And
since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time.
Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of
those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit
in the fast lane and ****ing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points

Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You
get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're
the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except
your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car
in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points

Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive
defensively? You're the reason.


http://www.geocities.com/good_clean_fun_2/drivquiz.htm

Semper,

Roger
:marine:

[thedrifter]

Driving Test

The following are a sampling of supposedly real answers received on
exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving
school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[thedrifter]

Driving Too Young

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed ... after a good laugh by the congregation.

[thedrifter]

Driving in Seattle: A Visitor's Guide

In order to effectively drive in Seattle, it is important to
understand the methods of driving already accepted as standard in this
area. The following is a set of standardized behaviors:


1- That thingy on the steering column is not a turn indicator, it is a
turn "REQUESTER". Once you have placed your request, remain in your
lane until the car behind you passes. At that point, begin this
process again and continue until all cars have received your request
and passed. Should you decide at any time to actually CHANGE lanes,
be prepared for a hearty bleat of the horn from the car behind you.
Once all the cars have passed, change lanes quickly and slow down.


2- That thingy in the middle of your steering wheel is a mistake.
Never, ever push it, it makes noise and frightens the people around
you. The only time it is acceptable to use that thing is if you have
decided that the person in front of you should not be allowed to
change lanes, but has done so anyway.


3- While waiting at a green light, remember this rule, you must wait
at least 3 seconds for every car lined up behind you, if you have
trouble with the math, take your time and make sure you get it right.


4- Merging lanes of traffic follow the ancient native rhythms of "you
go, I go, I go, I go, you go, you go, we wait, I go, you honk, I
signal, you go", repeat.


5- When leaving busy traffic to enter a driveway or other private
egress, stop completely before signalling, signal, then follow the
same "Rules of Waiting" outlined for green lights.


6- If you are driving and another car is within seven feet of you to
either side, subtract 15 mph from your overall speed, preferably
without notice. If you are on a two-lane bridge or limited road,
subtract another 10 mph for safety's sake. When raining, look over to
the side of the road, if you are traveling faster than pedestrians,
slow down.


7- If you see snow, even if you THINK you see snow, pull over and
leave your vehicle immediately. For rain, see rule 6.


8- Pedestrians have the right of way. This includes pedestrians that
have not entered the crosswalk, pedestrians thinking about crossing
the street, and pedestrians that just happen to be nearby. When in
doubt, apply the Rules of Waiting whenever a pedestrian is within
sight.


9- If your car is suddenly grabbed from below and forced to move more
quickly, that is gravity and you are on a hill. Step on the brakes
and slow down.


10- Never, for any reason whatsoever, drive as if you have someplace
to go, it will confuse and frighten those around you who enjoy driving
for hours on end.


11- If you see a giant ball of flame, that is the sun. It will not
hurt you, but slow down, just to be sure.


A few notes about the Municipal Roadworks in Seattle


1- If you decide to take a bus, set aside an evening to plan your
trip. You will need: Bus maps, a pad and pencil, a calculator, a
compass, a protractor and a ruler. Do not wait until your trip to
figure it out. You will not be allowed to ask people at the bus stop,
strangers that talk out loud are frowned upon and considered worth
ignoring completely.


2- Traffic lights are timed according to the same ancient native
rhythms described above. Translated, they are: Red, Green, Green,
Green, Red, Stop sign, yellow, Pioneer square, red. Never expect to
see more than two green lights in a row, if you do, report it
immediately. More than two green lights when you are stuck at a red
light do not count.


3- There are express lanes on I-5 with an exit in Tacoma, one in the
U district and the last one at the Canadian Border. These lanes are
efficient for trips to or from Alaska.


4- Right about now, while you are reading this, Hwy 90 is faster than
Hwy 520, regardless of your location or direction.


5- When travelling to or from work across the 520 bridge, take your
family, a pet, a few of your neighbors and the local pizza delivery
boy. This will ensure that you can use the express lanes.


6- There are three bridges in, on or under Lake Washington.


7- If you happen to live in the Seattle Center and want to go
downtown, don't walk the seven blocks, take the monorail, that's what
it's there for.

[thedrifter]

Drums (Musical Humor)

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop ..... bass solo begins."

[thedrifter]

The Duck

A duck walked into a pharmacy. He asked the pharmacist "Do you have any grapes?" "No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes." he replied.

The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked "Do you have any grapes?" "No, two blocks down on the right." replied the pharmacist somewhat annoyed.

The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and asked the same question. This time the pharmacist said "We don't sell grapes here. You have asked for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we don't sell them here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this time with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist "Do you have any nails?" "No" replied the pharmacist. "Well then... Do you have any grapes?"

[thedrifter]

Dude Ranch

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

[thedrifter]

The Duel


In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."

[thedrifter]

The Duel


Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.

"Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair."

"I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

[thedrifter]

Dying on the Job

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program. Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor). When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted. In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee a paycheck will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be mislead by this manifestation.

3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.

Best Regards,
-The Management

[thedrifter]

The Dying Man


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd ---- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

[Phantom Blooper]

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[Phantom Blooper]

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.


The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."


The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is."


Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."


This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.


The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:
Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.
President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.
Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

[Phantom Blooper]

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[thedrifter]

Ears to You!

Q. How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

A. Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

-------------------------

Ouch!

[thedrifter]

Earth Day

GROUPS COMPLAIN ABOUT FAIRNESS OF EARTH DAY

SAN FRANCISCO - In the wake of last months's Earth Day celebrations several groups are claiming that Earth Day is unfair to other planets. Jupiter Advocate, Europa Stonemeadow told BNN, "We have a whole day set aside to celebrate planet Earth but we don't have anything to celebrate the other eight planets in our solar system. That is insensitive, bigoted and wrong."

In order to combat this insensitivity planetary advocates representing Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are lobbying Congress to enact legislation that would remedy the injustice of Earth Day. Said Stonemeadow, "We envision a future in which other planets will not be discriminated against merely because they don't contain intelligent life. A future in which American school children will learn to acknowledge the important achievements of other planets and not just the planet that they happen to live on. A future in which all planets will be given an equal amount of recognition time."

Tentative dates for recognizing the other planets are under consideration and may be announced as early as next week.

[thedrifter]

Earth Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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Earthquake Victim


VICTIM OF NORTHRIDGE EARTHQUAKE SUES QUAKER OATS

NORTHRIDGE, CA - Morris Shumaker, a survivor of the Northridge Earthquake has filed a lawsuit against the Quaker Oats Company claiming that the name of the company causes pain and trauma. Shumaker told BNN, "I lost my home and a dog to the earthquake. No one can understand the psychological trauma associated with an event like this unless they go through it. My recovery has been hampered by the insensitivity of the Quaker Oats Company."

Shumaker claims that every time he sees the name "Quaker Oats" on a carton of oatmeal or box of cereal he is reminded of the pain and loss he suffered as a result of the earthquake. Said Shumaker, "The last time this happened I was in a grocery store. A woman walked by me with a huge box of Oatmeal sitting in her cart. Seeing the name on the box really shook me up."

Shumaker's lawsuit seeks monetary damages as well as a court order that would force Quaker Oats to change its name. Attorneys for Quaker Oats claim that the company's name has nothing to do with earthquakes but rather is named after the early American Quakers, a religious sect famous for their colonization of Pennsylvania.

Said BNN's legal correspondent, Johnny Cockroach, "This is clearly a case of evil corporate insensitivity. Quaker Oats can try to confuse the issue by talking about early American history. But the fact is that their name causes pain to earthquake survivors. I predict that Quaker Oats will lose this lawsuit."

[thedrifter]

Easy Rider

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve and wre