Chuckles of the Day...

[Phantom Blooper]

Marth Stuart's Holiday Planning List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug WindowsNT.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[Phantom Blooper]

MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, I I now serve only the northern United States.. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my brother in law,. Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "Gun Control is a Steady Hand."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. Bubba's sleigh also has a bumper sticker that reads "My Other Car is a John Deere" .

7. The interior of Bubba's sleigh is the envy of the south. It boasts the latest in 8 track technology, a top o' the line fuzzbuster, an oversized chrome foot shaped gas pedal, fully carpeted dash, and Yosemite Sam floormats.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band and black cowboy boots instead.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

[Phantom Blooper]

HELPFUL HOLIDAY DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out

3. If you eat standing up, it doesn't count!

4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards

5. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count

6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage

7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream

8. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount

9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes: Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
:banana: :)

[thedrifter]

----- Marines







FIRST MARINE: Hey, Jack, do you have time to run down to the saloon? One
of our boys is having a brawl with 35 sailors!

SECOND MARINE: Well, what the hell. Can't he take care of that many by himself?

FIRST MARINE: Sure, but he's getting hot. He wants somebody he can trust
to hold his coat.

[thedrifter]

ROBOTIC CADDIES


A man goes to a public golf course, approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."


The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to try one and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"


The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."


The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."


Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.


As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."


The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."


Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.


He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.


But his luck didn't end there!


His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie!


Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"


The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"


A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"


The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who the heck would have complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"

[thedrifter]

Dietary Information

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated in to meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees (32.2 degrees F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 ounces, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/degree x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from the body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 calories per 6 oz portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz x 1,020 cal/oz) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g. ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal/gm to melt them (i.e. raise them to 0 degrees C) and an addition 37 cal/gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running, hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces the opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with the pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet. Happy eating!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Reality Check: In actuality, the "food" calorie is different from the "heat" calorie by a factor of 1000. When you are reading those "nutritional information" labels on food packaging, just multiply "calories" by 1000 to translate those "food" calories into "scientific" calories. So when that can of soup says that there are only 35 calories from fat out of 250 calories total, that really means 35,000 "heat" calories from fat out of 250,000 "heat" calories total.

(I think I'll just be less scientific in my food consumption. I like the math better that way! Now, where did I put that pizza?)

[thedrifter]

The Dietician

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

[thedrifter]

Diets and Donuts

A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.

Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop.

And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open spot right up front.

[thedrifter]

Dieter's Psalm

Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration
for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles
of the pastry department, I will
buy no sweetrolls for they are
fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans
and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids,
My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will
follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

[thedrifter]

The Diet - What It Says / What You Really Do

WHAT THE DIET SAYS

Breakfast---

1/2 grapefruit
black coffee
1 piece dry toast
1 sm. glass skim milk


Lunch

1 lettuce leaf
2 tomato slices
2 oz. broiled chicken
4 carrot sticks
1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter
1 cup red jello


Dinner

1/2 cup salad
1 tsp low fat Italian dressing
4 oz. hamburger patty
2 1/2 slices canned pear
1/4 cup cottage cheese
slice wheat bread

also--8 glasses of water


This is how it really turns out................

8 a.m. --Breakfast--
You skip breakfast. You're not hungry, and this gives you an extra
100 calories for the day.

10 a.m.--
You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being
brought into the office. You drink your first glass of water,
proudly resisting the doughnuts.

11 a.m.--
You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work.
You look forward to lunch.

12 p.m. --Lunch---
You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello,
which you have hated since you were a child because of that time
when you got your tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at
every meal.

1 p.m.--
You drink your second glass of water for the day.

1:30 p.m.--
You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.

2 p.m.--
You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel
at how a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your
co-worker has popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick
to even want any. She offers you some and you decline, telling her
how little you've eaten today and how the smell of the popcorn doesn't
even tempt you. She is impressed.

3 p.m.--
You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has candy on her
desk and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all,
have an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one
piece of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories
ahead.

3:30 p.m.--
You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs
in your desk -- only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.

3:45 p.m.--
You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.

4 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative,
but optimistic. You'll skip the pear at dinner.

5 p.m.--
You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you
through to dinnertime.

5:30 p.m.--
You arrive home. A bag of potato chips is blocking the way to the
hamburger helper that you will be using to make the family dinner.
After thinking twice about it you rip open the package and eat one chip.

5:35--
You eat one more chip.

6:30 p.m.--
You eat the rest of the package of potato chips, 6 tablespoons of
Hamburger Helper as you cook it, and then have with a pint of Haagen
Daz. You tell the family that you are doing too well on your diet to
ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.

[thedrifter]

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

[thedrifter]

Different Views

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

[thedrifter]

Digging For Worms

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[thedrifter]

Dilbert's Laws of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

[thedrifter]

Dining Manners

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

[Phantom Blooper]

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

[Phantom Blooper]

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas, But Aren't

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph's honker!

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall

[Phantom Blooper]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store, looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch, as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing, "Silent Night."

The man becomes very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts singing "Jingle Bells." The man says that Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night" again. He then moves the lighter under Chet's right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing... "Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!"

[Phantom Blooper]

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.

[CPL-Mac]

Get well soon Drifter!

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

[thedrifter]

http://www.labattblue.com/pop_game1.html

[thedrifter]

Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place, picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Dining Out

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

[thedrifter]

Dinner Reservations

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.

Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Mom replied.

"Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[thedrifter]

Directions?

Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there, or because Moses refused to ask for directions?

[thedrifter]

Disaster!

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

[thedrifter]

Discouraged?


As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

[thedrifter]

Proper Diskette Usage and Care


Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...

You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

You can recover data from a damaged disk by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

[thedrifter]

Divorce Story

A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you,"the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago,"she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"

"Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

[Phantom Blooper]

BEST RUM CAKE EVER
1 or 2 quarts rum
baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. with an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the
rum again, and bo to ged.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Last request
>
> A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be
> executed.
>
> "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
>
> "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

[thedrifter]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
> > their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
> > transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He
ask
> > if they were willing to try it out. They were both in favor of it.
> > He set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that 10% was
> > probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However
as
> > the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and ask the doctor to kick
it
> > up a notch. Doc kicked it to 20%, still everthing was fine so they
decided
> > to try 50%. Still the husband felt well. Since the pain transfer was
> > obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband told the doc to
> > transfer all the pain to him.
> > The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, she and her
> > husband were ecstatic.
> > When they arrived home the mailman was dead on the porch!

[thedrifter]

DIY Virus


This is a DIY Virus (Do It Yourself).

I have unfortunately been very busy lately and haven't had the time to write a virus.

So please take a couple of minutes to open Windows, and randomly delete 10 or 12 files (including a minimum of 3 system files), and then send this e-mail to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[thedrifter]

Doctor! Doctor!

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

[thedrifter]

Does It Bother You.....

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

[thedrifter]

Dog Care


A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

[thedrifter]

Dog and Cat Characteristics

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and
get back to you when they are good and ready.

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.

[thedrifter]

Dogs and Light Bulbs


HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB


ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and
find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just
keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done!

BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're
out.

PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that
two. Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless.....
is there food involved??

POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling
off the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace
bulb, land. Two: What light bulb So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you,
but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and
then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look
up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb
yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much
for being my friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI: I cant reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light
bulb?

STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and
point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of,
what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change
it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to
do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that
light bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the
cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.
I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you
took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it......... No, not
that treat, the other kind. Geez.......... do I have to do
everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)

IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim
bulb.

PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go
of old light bulb.......... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please????
Let go of the light bulb??????

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh????

[thedrifter]

Doctor Appointment

A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

[Phantom Blooper]

Barbie's Christmas Beau
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken

[Phantom Blooper]

Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[CAS3]

VANILLA PUDDING
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.



Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[thedrifter]

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.


I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.


Today I sniffed many
Doggie derrieres - and I celebrate
By kissing your face.


I sound the alarm!
Paperboy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look!


I lift my leg and
Anoint each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.


My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I
Have made a puddle.


Behold my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!


Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss -
Well, maybe catching rats. . .


Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.


My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet, expelling much gas.


How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.


I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.


Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you so much.

[thedrifter]

Dog Thoughts

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs
I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

[thedrifter]

A Dog's Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[thedrifter]

Doctor Visit

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Fee


When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?

[thedrifter]

Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is
so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
itself."


"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the
Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.


"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."


"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending any more time with you."


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
-or-
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another
office visit."


"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."


"Hmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)


"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and
the bad news is you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured."


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."


"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig."


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go
away by itself."


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."


"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."


"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all
symptoms.


"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."


"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one."


"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a
psychiatrist who will split fees.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week."

[thedrifter]

Dog Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.


Sincerely,
The CAT

[thedrifter]

Doilies

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Edna and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[thedrifter]

Doing Homework

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Doing the Wash


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

[thedrifter]

Do It Yourself

The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, these vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" And he said, "No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself."

[thedrifter]

Do You Realize...

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

[thedrifter]

Don't Blame the Doc, Doc

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

[Phantom Blooper]

Letter From Santa
Dear Friend,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you if
you have been good this year and since you have I will
be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.

The 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird ****.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Sincerely, Santa

[Phantom Blooper]

> Because I am a man...
> >
> >
> > Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> with
> > a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
> If
> > another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> be able
> > to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> everything, I
> > wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a Coke.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
> woman. You
> > never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
> > ----------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> > at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> exotic
> > items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
> thing.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
> > insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
> cost me
> > twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back
> > together.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
> > hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
> a whole
> > show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a
> > calculator).
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
> > don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
> a
> > complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > ----- -------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> > about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have
> to make
> > up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> > mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her
> > any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> okay; I
> > don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
> mother,
> > too.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> > Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> > what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> of shoes
> > is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is
> fine! You
> > look fine. Can we just go now?
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will
> > share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> cooking, the
> > gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
> the
> > rest.

[thedrifter]

Don't Have Any

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

[thedrifter]

Don't Pay For Me


A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

[thedrifter]

The Dopeler Effect

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as on the CNN Tower.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

[thedrifter]

Double Negatives

linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Additional comment by Paul): This is an example of the uniquely American linguistic construct known as the "double sarcasm".

[thedrifter]

Doughboy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[thedrifter]

Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

[thedrifter]

Drinking Problem

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three. "Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go .... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."

[thedrifter]

Driver's Permit


A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "Perhaps, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

[Phantom Blooper]

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and.....

PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.

DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

[Phantom Blooper]

3 Wise Women


Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought
practical gifts.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Christmas Shopping


Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and
wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that
I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed
boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a
ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong.

He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers
and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old.
His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs.
She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless,
she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off
by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to
take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an
older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared
into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loudly did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[thedrifter]

The GBHP Driving Quiz


We've all seen it. People change when they get behind the wheel of a
car. So now, to profile your personality, here is the special Driving Quiz...

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?

a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...

a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...

a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.

a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...

a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...

a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last
year?

a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?

a: "go ahead"
b: "thank you"
c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...

a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...

a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you
should...

a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or
Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...

a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...

a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...

a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffered limousine is...

a: I don't have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people


Scoring The Quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for
every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points

You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and
observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And
since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time.
Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of
those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit
in the fast lane and ****ing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points

Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You
get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're
the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except
your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car
in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points

Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive
defensively? You're the reason.


http://www.geocities.com/good_clean_fun_2/drivquiz.htm

Semper,

Roger
:marine:

[thedrifter]

Driving Test

The following are a sampling of supposedly real answers received on
exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving
school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[thedrifter]

Driving Too Young

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed ... after a good laugh by the congregation.

[thedrifter]

Driving in Seattle: A Visitor's Guide

In order to effectively drive in Seattle, it is important to
understand the methods of driving already accepted as standard in this
area. The following is a set of standardized behaviors:


1- That thingy on the steering column is not a turn indicator, it is a
turn "REQUESTER". Once you have placed your request, remain in your
lane until the car behind you passes. At that point, begin this
process again and continue until all cars have received your request
and passed. Should you decide at any time to actually CHANGE lanes,
be prepared for a hearty bleat of the horn from the car behind you.
Once all the cars have passed, change lanes quickly and slow down.


2- That thingy in the middle of your steering wheel is a mistake.
Never, ever push it, it makes noise and frightens the people around
you. The only time it is acceptable to use that thing is if you have
decided that the person in front of you should not be allowed to
change lanes, but has done so anyway.


3- While waiting at a green light, remember this rule, you must wait
at least 3 seconds for every car lined up behind you, if you have
trouble with the math, take your time and make sure you get it right.


4- Merging lanes of traffic follow the ancient native rhythms of "you
go, I go, I go, I go, you go, you go, we wait, I go, you honk, I
signal, you go", repeat.


5- When leaving busy traffic to enter a driveway or other private
egress, stop completely before signalling, signal, then follow the
same "Rules of Waiting" outlined for green lights.


6- If you are driving and another car is within seven feet of you to
either side, subtract 15 mph from your overall speed, preferably
without notice. If you are on a two-lane bridge or limited road,
subtract another 10 mph for safety's sake. When raining, look over to
the side of the road, if you are traveling faster than pedestrians,
slow down.


7- If you see snow, even if you THINK you see snow, pull over and
leave your vehicle immediately. For rain, see rule 6.


8- Pedestrians have the right of way. This includes pedestrians that
have not entered the crosswalk, pedestrians thinking about crossing
the street, and pedestrians that just happen to be nearby. When in
doubt, apply the Rules of Waiting whenever a pedestrian is within
sight.


9- If your car is suddenly grabbed from below and forced to move more
quickly, that is gravity and you are on a hill. Step on the brakes
and slow down.


10- Never, for any reason whatsoever, drive as if you have someplace
to go, it will confuse and frighten those around you who enjoy driving
for hours on end.


11- If you see a giant ball of flame, that is the sun. It will not
hurt you, but slow down, just to be sure.


A few notes about the Municipal Roadworks in Seattle


1- If you decide to take a bus, set aside an evening to plan your
trip. You will need: Bus maps, a pad and pencil, a calculator, a
compass, a protractor and a ruler. Do not wait until your trip to
figure it out. You will not be allowed to ask people at the bus stop,
strangers that talk out loud are frowned upon and considered worth
ignoring completely.


2- Traffic lights are timed according to the same ancient native
rhythms described above. Translated, they are: Red, Green, Green,
Green, Red, Stop sign, yellow, Pioneer square, red. Never expect to
see more than two green lights in a row, if you do, report it
immediately. More than two green lights when you are stuck at a red
light do not count.


3- There are express lanes on I-5 with an exit in Tacoma, one in the
U district and the last one at the Canadian Border. These lanes are
efficient for trips to or from Alaska.


4- Right about now, while you are reading this, Hwy 90 is faster than
Hwy 520, regardless of your location or direction.


5- When travelling to or from work across the 520 bridge, take your
family, a pet, a few of your neighbors and the local pizza delivery
boy. This will ensure that you can use the express lanes.


6- There are three bridges in, on or under Lake Washington.


7- If you happen to live in the Seattle Center and want to go
downtown, don't walk the seven blocks, take the monorail, that's what
it's there for.

[thedrifter]

Drums (Musical Humor)

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop ..... bass solo begins."

[thedrifter]

The Duck

A duck walked into a pharmacy. He asked the pharmacist "Do you have any grapes?" "No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes." he replied.

The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked "Do you have any grapes?" "No, two blocks down on the right." replied the pharmacist somewhat annoyed.

The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and asked the same question. This time the pharmacist said "We don't sell grapes here. You have asked for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we don't sell them here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this time with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist "Do you have any nails?" "No" replied the pharmacist. "Well then... Do you have any grapes?"

[thedrifter]

Dude Ranch

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

[thedrifter]

The Duel


In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."

[thedrifter]

The Duel


Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.

"Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair."

"I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

[thedrifter]

Dying on the Job

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program. Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor). When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted. In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee a paycheck will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be mislead by this manifestation.

3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.

Best Regards,
-The Management

[thedrifter]

The Dying Man


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd ---- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

[Phantom Blooper]

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[Phantom Blooper]

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.


The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."


The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is."


Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."


This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.


The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:
Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.
President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.
Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

[Phantom Blooper]

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[thedrifter]

Ears to You!

Q. How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

A. Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

-------------------------

Ouch!

[thedrifter]

Earth Day

GROUPS COMPLAIN ABOUT FAIRNESS OF EARTH DAY

SAN FRANCISCO - In the wake of last months's Earth Day celebrations several groups are claiming that Earth Day is unfair to other planets. Jupiter Advocate, Europa Stonemeadow told BNN, "We have a whole day set aside to celebrate planet Earth but we don't have anything to celebrate the other eight planets in our solar system. That is insensitive, bigoted and wrong."

In order to combat this insensitivity planetary advocates representing Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are lobbying Congress to enact legislation that would remedy the injustice of Earth Day. Said Stonemeadow, "We envision a future in which other planets will not be discriminated against merely because they don't contain intelligent life. A future in which American school children will learn to acknowledge the important achievements of other planets and not just the planet that they happen to live on. A future in which all planets will be given an equal amount of recognition time."

Tentative dates for recognizing the other planets are under consideration and may be announced as early as next week.

[thedrifter]

Earth Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[thedrifter]

Earthquake Victim


VICTIM OF NORTHRIDGE EARTHQUAKE SUES QUAKER OATS

NORTHRIDGE, CA - Morris Shumaker, a survivor of the Northridge Earthquake has filed a lawsuit against the Quaker Oats Company claiming that the name of the company causes pain and trauma. Shumaker told BNN, "I lost my home and a dog to the earthquake. No one can understand the psychological trauma associated with an event like this unless they go through it. My recovery has been hampered by the insensitivity of the Quaker Oats Company."

Shumaker claims that every time he sees the name "Quaker Oats" on a carton of oatmeal or box of cereal he is reminded of the pain and loss he suffered as a result of the earthquake. Said Shumaker, "The last time this happened I was in a grocery store. A woman walked by me with a huge box of Oatmeal sitting in her cart. Seeing the name on the box really shook me up."

Shumaker's lawsuit seeks monetary damages as well as a court order that would force Quaker Oats to change its name. Attorneys for Quaker Oats claim that the company's name has nothing to do with earthquakes but rather is named after the early American Quakers, a religious sect famous for their colonization of Pennsylvania.

Said BNN's legal correspondent, Johnny Cockroach, "This is clearly a case of evil corporate insensitivity. Quaker Oats can try to confuse the issue by talking about early American history. But the fact is that their name causes pain to earthquake survivors. I predict that Quaker Oats will lose this lawsuit."

[thedrifter]

Easy Rider

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "are either of them showing any lifesigns?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'till I turned his head around the right way."

[thedrifter]

Eastern United States

In response to "You know you live in the NorthWest U.S. if you..."

One is aware of being an Easterner if one...

- can truly distinguish between "overdressed" and well dressed. Overdressed would imply too many layers. Of course in the out of doors there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing or ill dressing. When it comes to circulating in public (which only includes "nice" restaurants when dining out) a gentleman or lady ought never compromise being well dressed. Not so much in a fashion sense but in "comfortable formality."

- knows fewer than eight people who own companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes. Avoiding these awful signs of deteriorating society as often as possible in one's daily life.

- reserves the eating of Oriental food to when one is traveling in Asia. When in Rome? don't you know. Unless of course one is an academic or in the foreign service and developed a pension for the local cuisine. One then can distinguish authentic eateries and can order in the appropriate language.

- would avoid ever visiting California.

- knows that when in company anything that doesn't come out of a silver service is suspect. And when publicly in mixed company to politely abstain from hot beverages of such indistinguishable pedigree. Why would one want to drink from a piece of paper or plastic anyway?

- takes July 1-3 to shop and prepare for the Independence Day festivities; lawn games, picnic, boating, and dinner dance at the club. All of which require a different outfit of new clothing. Linens and whites are preferred.

- can remember the best dates, conditions, times of day, and how long to go out in the winter weather for sporting purposes. All the best places being primarily warmed by fireplaces and absent of telephone distractions to begin with.

- feels guilty for days having anything to do with any food or beverage packaged in metal or after having anything to do with refuse in general.

- gets very happy when the weather forecast allows one to keep an early morning rendezvous for tennis, crew, hunting or skiing or some other seasonally appropriate appointment. If up late the night before, "day break" cocktails will be required. See also above concerning "bad weather."

- doesn't need ten words to order anything, unless of course, in the correct foreign language.

- has a groundskeeper or housekeeper make the necessary "arrangements" concerning any disruptive acts of God.

- never goes on an outing ill dressed, ill mannered or ill prepared for remaining civilized according to the robustness of one's constitution.

- never goes anywhere one cannot get the breezes. And who doesn't at least sail?

- considers the Appalacian range to be "hills" on the edge of civilization. For mountains one goes to the Alps.

- would never think of selling the estate "It's been in the family for years" (this means at least two hundred) and complains when the location of the "country place" gets to touristy (recent builds) or "the wrong sort of people" close enough to stir the garden and bridge clubs.

- finds a wallet and has someone call the police. Of course you would never pick up anything strange off the ground. No reward would be necessary any billfold with $500 in it is either your own or someone you know.

- knows the difference between Russian and Middle Eastern caviar, forget the domestic stuff. Salmon fish identification is reserved for trips to Scotland.

- has never lived anywhere else. And would never dream of leaving your universe and try to break into another circle of society.

- knows swimming as well as boating to be nothing more than recreational sports.

- does indoor swimming at home and outdoor swimming when "out."

- knows ten owners of German brewries whom you can visit and with whom you join in wearing authentic clothing. Traditional embroidery expected.

- nods to everyone to whom one has been properly introduced.

- sees volcanos only when in the tropics.

- only goes "in town" for shopping and "in to the city" for cultural reasons.

- goes on vacation in the winter as well as summer. And thinks the eight hour work day is one of the reasons for the crash of '29.

- would never wear hiking boots unless hiking and wouldn't be caught dead in Birkenstocks or Tevas.

- has an umbrella as the customary accessory for the occasional inclement weather.

- when encountering a strangely still vehicle at a downtown traffic light one would call the police at the time and talk about your encounter at the next three cocktail parties and continue to comiserate with your friends about the condition on the commuter train service and the rise in traffic in your town.

- To identify oneself as an Easterner one must live in one of the thirteen original (colonies) and your family must have come before the war (for Independence) and the family fortune must have been "made" before the most recent unpleasantness (the conflict of Northern Aggression on the South). And although the Pacific North West is beyond the pale of civilization we know "NorthWest" is not a word.

[thedrifter]

Educational Jargon

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."

The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"

"Lollipops," the teacher explained.

[thedrifter]

The Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[thedrifter]

8th Grade Final Exam 1895

Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895? ...Take a Look:

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal parts of
do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case. Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that
you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many
bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts.
per bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary
levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and
have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
8. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance
around which is 640 rods?
9. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of theRebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln,
Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates:
1607
1620
1800
1849
1865

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph,
subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'.
Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and
name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir,
odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentence:
cite, site, sight,
fane, fain, feign,
vane, vain, vein,
raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate
pronunciation by use diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver,
Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez,
Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same
latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to
the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the
earth.


Imagine a college student who went to public school trying to pass this test, even if the few outdated questions were modernized.

Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning!

[thedrifter]

Einstein

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[Phantom Blooper]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were dukeing it out somewhere in space. Vader says to,


Luke: Join me and experience the power of the dark side!


Luke: The dark side can't be that powerful.


Vader: Yes it is. for instance I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke.


Luke: How?!?!?!?!


Vader: I felt your presents.

[Phantom Blooper]

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.


About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. Once the bailiff climbed up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw.


The deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."


The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it.


She went, "Bow wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.


Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it.


She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

[Phantom Blooper]

There were two guys in the Army. They were stationed somewhere in Europe but their exact location cannot be disclosed because of security reasons. One of the guys' names is Rex and the other guy is simply called Skeeter.


One day, Skeeter gets a letter from his mother, named Eunice, from back home in Alabama and, after reading it, he became very sad. His friend (aka Rex) asked him what was wrong. Skeeter responded by handing Rex the letter. Rex took the letter and reads that Skeeter's mother had written that Skeeter's very pretty and sexy girlfriend was in bed with arthritus.


"Well, Rex said to Skeeter, "that's not so bad." But Skeeter just turned to him and in a quaking, whimpering voice, replied, "Sure, that's what you think. But I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

This is Army policy all begins...


Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.


Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.


Now, turn off the cold water.


Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.


Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.


Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.


After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?


"Because that's the way it's always been around here."


That's how Army policy begins...

[Phantom Blooper]

The Locked Car...

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter.
She returned to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter and didn't know what to do.
She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. The sitter said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "SURE."
He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH....You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL."

[Phantom Blooper]

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her
sweetness and
kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the
spring, and
she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to
have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water
floated,
of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely
Miss Bea
had
flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the
strange
sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could
resist no
longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you
would tell
me
about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking
downtown
last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the
organ,
keep
it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I
haven't had a
cold
all winter!"

[thedrifter]

***SeX eDuCaTiOn***



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ALL U GUYS COULD USE A LITTLE OF THIS......

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it wa s a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couc h. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet. Mom looked at her son with an astonishing look. "10 inches!!?? Your father is only 4!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.



On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.



I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.



The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.



Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.



"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."



"You know where the button Is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.



"Reset it yourself!"



"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"



There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."



So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.



Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.



It is the last action I remember performing...



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.



It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating



dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws



I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.



The impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.



Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter........and not succeeding.



Somehow I lived through it all.



A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
Which it was.



"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"



(Not exactly!)

[thedrifter]

Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

[thedrifter]

Electricity

Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came other Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

[thedrifter]

Electrons

Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. "If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?"

A pupil replied, "I'm not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked `fragile'."

[thedrifter]

Elementary School Teacher Quiz

Are You A TRUE Elementary School Teacher? Let's Find Out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?

6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul -- you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.

* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your soul -- you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it -- you'll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!

[thedrifter]

Elephant Cage

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

[thedrifter]

Elephant and Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

[thedrifter]

Enlistment Questions

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

[thedrifter]

Emergency Landing


Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.

"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"

Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"

Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.

"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"

"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

[thedrifter]

Emergency Landing

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

[thedrifter]

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

I just heard there's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year!

Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: EXTRA-SPECIAL EDITION

Interior shot: Bespin Gantry - moments later:

(A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.)

(A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.)

(Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon...

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

(Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.)

(Darth Vader looks after him.)

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[Phantom Blooper]

Went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop
writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a gal a break?" He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. So I called him a pencil-d****d nazi. He glared at
me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...
the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a
****. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun
each day.


It's important at my age.

[thedrifter]

Download

[thedrifter]

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi
>
>
> A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
> ...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
> University in Marquette. They would get together two or three
> times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
> really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day
> experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,
> preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're
> all together to discuss the experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
> various bandages, goes first.
>
> "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
> found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
> wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly
> grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
> he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
> to give him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
> and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone
> oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't
> sprinkle...
> we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read
> to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with
> me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down
> one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I
> quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you
said,
> he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in
> fellowship,
> feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."
>
> They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
> He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and
> out of him. He was in bad shape.
>
> The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble
> is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers
>

[thedrifter]

Employee of the Month

LOCAL MAN WINS 'EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD' FOR 23RD STRAIGHT MONTH

Chuck Rogers, a self employed marketing consultant, has won his company's 'Employee of the Month Award' for a record 23 months in a row. Said Rogers, "I began the award program nearly two years ago when my psychologist and business coach suggested that I needed to create a company plan for maintaining employee moral and building self-esteem."

Rogers, who works alone from his home office, has received 100% of the votes for the 'Employee of the Month Award' since its inception. Said Rogers, "It feels really good every time I win the award. I am always surprised and flattered when the winner is announced. But the best part is that I get to use the special parking spot set aside for the winner. It is right next to the house. You can't imagine what a benefit that has been!"

[thedrifter]

Employment Application

While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question:

"Person to notify in case of an accident."

Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."

[thedrifter]

Employment Form

My sense of humor always gets me into trouble, but I just can't help it.

Applying for a job one time, the employment form clearly said: "Age of Father, if living" and the same query for my Mother.

I put down the figures 119 and 117 in the spaces provided, and the interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old.

I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."

[thedrifter]

Employment Test

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

[thedrifter]

Employer-Lingo

(Favorite phrases employers use in Help Wanted Ads, and what they really mean)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job
gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not
going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you
to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a
5 percent matching contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you
don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some
time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches
on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last
round of layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.

[thedrifter]

Empty Nest Syndrome

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.

[thedrifter]

Encyclopedia

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

[thedrifter]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is
>white, made of plastic, and is dangerous for children to play with. The
>other one holds groceries.
>
>
>2. Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart? He heard that boys pants were half
>off.
>
>
>3. Why did Michael Jackson place a call to Boyz to Men? He thought it was
>a delivery service.
>
>
>4. What is Michael Jackson's alma mater? Bringham Young
>
>
>5. How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date? There's a tricycle
>in his driveway.
>
>
>6. Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his boy scout duties? He was up to a
>pack a day.
>
>
>7. What is a perfect 10 for Michael Jackson? Two five year olds.
>
>
>And finally....
>
>
>The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against Michael
>Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest.

[thedrifter]

Engineering Talk


I work as an Design Engineer. While driving I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation my wife sitting next to me said," You know Honey, if you don't slow down you going to damage your shock absorber and your bearing and you will soon have to do a wheel alignment again."

I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so.

She replied," Sweetheart, for years I've being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren't listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness."

Well it did.

[thedrifter]

Engineers and Managers

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[thedrifter]

English Lesson

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.
(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time ")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toni, a Good Clean Fun reader adds the following:

She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.

His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

[thedrifter]

The English Teacher


An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

[thedrifter]

English is Tough Stuff

Multi-national personnel at NATO headquarters (North Atlantic Treaty
Organization) near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until
they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents,
the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said
he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.
Try them yourself.


ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
======================

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

-- Author Unknown



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

English as a Second Language

Why English can be difficult as a second language.

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, lough and through,

Well done. And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead: It's said like bed, not bead
For goodness sake don't call it "deed".
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose;
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and work and sword

And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, come I've hardly made a start!

[thedrifter]

English Signs

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

3. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

4. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

5. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

6. OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure - 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself.

7. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

8. ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.

9. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

10. OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES: The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

11. OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

12. SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

13. OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

14. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

15. NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH: Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

16. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

17. ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

18. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

19. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

20. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

21. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

22. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

23. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane…


A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork."

The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?"



The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

English, The Universal Language

On a Califormia freeway:
Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken Lenses Duplicated Here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonwille, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library

[thedrifter]

Environmental Quality

This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality.

-----Original Message-----

State of Michigan
Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids Mi 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor
Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building, Po Box 30473,
Lansing Mi 48909-7973

Russell J. Harding, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
land-owner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan compiled Laws,
annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

************************************************** **********************
----Reply Letter----

************************************************** **********************
Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me. You sent
out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected
to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a
copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan: I am the legal owner and
a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their
dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their
skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time
and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is
no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit
prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question
to you is:
Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you
require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request? If you are not discriminating against these particular
beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws
annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and
are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the state will have
to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing
dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers
alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact
the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously
did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read
English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for
me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by
interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam
beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this
response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of
this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their
existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively
enforcing this dam policy- or once again both I and the Spring Pond
Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right tobuild their
dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned,
this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action
now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under
the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff
to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem: Bears are actually defecating
in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting these
defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step. The bears are not mindful
where they dump.

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

cc: PETA

[thedrifter]

Environmentalist?

My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory.

[thedrifter]

Erma's Response

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later...

Erma

[thedrifter]

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

[thedrifter]

Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to
lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere
permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond
your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE
COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have
a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Eulogy


The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[thedrifter]

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is
really saying in all those glowing employee work
performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

[thedrifter]

Eve and Adam


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know You've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and will help to populate the Earth."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. But, you can only have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[thedrifter]

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

[thedrifter]

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My Dog

Dogs teach us many things .....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

[thedrifter]

A lady bought a new Lincoln Navigator and returned the next day,
complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers.

The lady drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd
say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she
said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but
she swerved in time to avoid them.

"*******S!" she yelled.......

Then, the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks, began to
play.

[thedrifter]

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

[thedrifter]

They're Everywhere!


On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.

"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town, too."

[thedrifter]

Exasperation


A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

[thedrifter]

Excess Weight


"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

[thedrifter]

Excuses For Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

[thedrifter]

Exercise

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes," replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[thedrifter]

Exercise 2


The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't swallow these pills," she said. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

[Phantom Blooper]

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it okay for us guys to notice all
the different kinds of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son. We wouldn't be normal if we
didn't. There are all kinds of breasts, depending on a woman's age.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears...still nice, but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions, dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry.."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of
penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man
goes through three phases. "Well, in a man's twenties, his penis is like an
oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

[thedrifter]

One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"

Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"

[thedrifter]

They're Everywhere!

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.

"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town, too."

[thedrifter]

Exiting the Bus

Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

[thedrifter]

Expensive Doctors


A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

[thedrifter]

Expensive Hotel


During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."

[thedrifter]

Expert on Children

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

[thedrifter]

Expert Witness

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

[thedrifter]

The Explanation

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

[thedrifter]

Expressions Using Numbers

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.

Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.

665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

[thedrifter]

An Extra Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[thedrifter]

Eye Contact

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

[thedrifter]

Eye-eye Cap'n

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

A lot of people asked me where the saying
"You gotta be ****tin' me" came from.
It so happens I know.
Way back, George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.
They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.
The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a
lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it
so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and
driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.
A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours
trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been
one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on
the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.
After awhile, Washington and his men could go no
further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged towards the lights
and came upon a huge house there in the woods.
What they didn't know was this was a house of ill
repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door,
his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out
to see Washington and all his men.
A huge smile came across her face
to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up,
"Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are
my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need
warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there
and with a broad smile on her face said,
"Well General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?"
Washington said,
"Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without
Peters."

She looked at him and said: "You gotta be ****tin' me."

[thedrifter]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[thedrifter]

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

[thedrifter]

Eyewitness!!


The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.

"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

[thedrifter]

Eye of the Beholder


My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[thedrifter]

Eye Surgery


While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

[thedrifter]

Fact of Life

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Fainting


The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

[thedrifter]

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

[thedrifter]

Fair Play

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

[thedrifter]

Fairest Tax?

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

[thedrifter]

Fairway Drive

Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.

The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.

Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody,and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."

[thedrifter]

Fairy Godmother

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise..."

[thedrifter]

Fallacies - Setting Them Straight

It's time for some of our world-renowned fallacies. You can get trivia anywhere, but only Dribbleglass.com sets the record straight about popular widely held misconceptions and misinformation.

* No witches were burned during the Salem Trials of 1692. All the victims were hanged, except for one man, who was pressed to death with stones.

* You might be surprised to learn that there are more pyramids in Mexico than Egypt.

* "Seinfeld" wasn't Jerry Seinfeld's first sitcom. He played the governor's speechwriter on "Benson," but was fired after three episodes.

* Play-Doh wasn't originally intended to be a toy. It was created to clean wallpaper.

* "The Man in the Iron Mask" didn't wear an iron mask —- it was made of black velvet stiffened with whalebone and fastened behind the head with a padlock or steel springs.

* Brides do not walk down the aisle of a church during a wedding. The center section, or passage, of a church is correctly called a "nave."

* "Mrs." is not an abbreviation for "missus" as is often believed. "Mrs." is short for "mistress," the feminine form of "mister," which in turn originally meant "master." For obvious reasons, "Mrs." is no longer spelled out.

* No sailor would use the term "knots per hour." Knots are a measurement of speed — one nautical mile per hour.

* Saturn isn't the only planet in our solar system with a ring. In fact, the only planet without a ring is Earth.
(Correction: Earth is one of the five planets in our solar system without a ring. There are rings around Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. There are no rings around Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and Pluto.)

* Harpo Marx was fully capable of speaking.

* You might not think so, but lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

[thedrifter]

Fall Out!

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "Ah cripes, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his
wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm
sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and
we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your
wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith
were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't pay
for these expensive tests more than once in a year, so
we can't repeat the test until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the
outskirts of town........
If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

[thedrifter]

Now we all are going to look at him another way.....

http://www.hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=e3655fc9-4bf9-1fa5-c531-490245aa6779&size=lg

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"

Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"

[thedrifter]

Fall Out!


As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

[thedrifter]

Family Encouragement

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[thedrifter]

Family History

Dear Abby:

I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?

/s/
Sam in California

------------------------------------------

Dear Sam:

Yes. Run for public office.

/s/
Abby

[thedrifter]

Family Skeletons

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

[thedrifter]

Farm Horse


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[thedrifter]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[thedrifter]

Farmer Muldoon's Dog


A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

[TracGunny]

In this busy time of year, I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It reads, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the things I started and had not finished. Therefore, today I have finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Drambuie, my Prozac, a large box of chocolate and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

[thedrifter]

Reindeer............

[thedrifter]

I'm Glad I'm A Man!
(No, A Woman!)


I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all *****y every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!



I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[thedrifter]

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several
hours late. His wife asks, "What took you so long?" He replies, "Oh,
Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a
heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must
have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen
holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

[thedrifter]

The Fisherman ~

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long
johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to
hook up his boat to the truck and head down the
road. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring
down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is
snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He
comes back into the house and turns the TV to
the weather channel. He finds it's going to be
bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat
back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with
a different anticipation, and whispers, "The
weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"

[thedrifter]

A Grandfather and his 5 year old
grandson were shopping at the mall
when they got separated.
The 5 year old approached a
uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked,
"What's he like?"
The little boy replied,
"Beer and women with big boobs.

[thedrifter]

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bull****ting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

[thedrifter]

Fast Computer!

Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium Pro CPU's working in parallel. It has been benchmarked at 1.4 trillion instructions per second, and it is the fastest computer in the world today.

Rumor has it that it boots Windows '95 in less than a minute.

[thedrifter]

Fast-Food

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[thedrifter]

Faster Than A Speeding Chicken

In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Another slant on the story. This time provided by IJMC, The (I)nternational (J)unk (M)ail (C)learinghouse.


One person who used to work for British Aerospace tells a similar story (which he swears is true) that these machines are actually used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate birdstrikes on the compressor blades. To make a long story short, in order to thaw the chicken, someone left it in the gun overnight and performed the test in the morning. The results were somewhat different than expected and close examination of the high speed video footage showed a very startled looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at MACH 0.7.

[thedrifter]

Fastidious Housekeeper?

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Well, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

[thedrifter]

Father's Approval


A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

When the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

[thedrifter]

Favorite Candy


Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "No," and slammed it down.

"Who was that?"

"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.

Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "KitKat," and hung up.

"What now?" I asked.

"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."

The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."

"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."

[thedrifter]

Favorite Drink

The National Governors Association met in Washington D.C. on Friday at the Shoreham Hotel. The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy" because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.

[thedrifter]

FBI Agents


The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **

[Phantom Blooper]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

[thedrifter]

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Dad, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" explained her father.

"Is that a Daddy Long-legs spider on top, Dad?"

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, so one's a Daddy Long-legs and the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?"

"Well, no dear, actually both of them are Daddy Long-legs," explained her father.

Lucy thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped on the two spiders with both feet. With a stern look, Lucy exclaimed, "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in this garden!"

[thedrifter]

Fearing the Worst

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry - "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

[thedrifter]

Feeding the Baby


A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

[thedrifter]

Feeding the Baby 2

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

[thedrifter]

Feeling Old

My son came home from kindergarten on his first day of school very excited. He told of all the new kids, the new toys, and all of the daily activities. I asked if he was good for his teacher? He replied, "Yes but this other kid wasn't. She got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio thing."

My husband asked what was going on, so I told the story as, "Some kid got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio."

My son said, "No Mom, the radio thing, the thing that plays the BIG CD'S."

Then we realized it was a record player and my son had no idea what it was. Enough to make you roll your eyes and feel very old, very fast.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Feeling Old (Two)

Take One:

The story of the kindergartener who didn't know what a recod player was reminds me of a time I went shopping for carbon paper to use with a manual typewriter. That was in the mid or late 1980's and I was still in my twenties. After unsuccessfully looking for the carbon paper in the office supplies aisle of a national chain discount store, I asked a young employee for help. He directed me to the typing paper. I said -no, you use it *with* typing paper. He directed me to the photocopy paper. Then the white-out. I said no -you put it *between* two sheets of paper and it makes a carbon copy for you. He said -ma'am (I now was a ma'am!) I'm sorry but I've never heard of that and we don't carry it. Boy did I feel old after that!!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Take Two:

I still have 8 tracks and record albums, but with nothing to play them on, I packed them in a box and put it in the attic. Someday, I'll get it out and give my kids a good laugh at my expense!

I'm only 30 years old, but my daughter, who is only 8, proved to me how old she thinks 30 is. She was looking through my old photo albums from junior high and high school. The dates and events are written next to the pictures. She got a wide-eyed look and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! I can't believe it! You were alive in 1980!!"

I almost passed out right there! It's pretty sad to hear the "oldies" radio station is playing stuff from the 80's. Oh well, now that I feel REALLY old, I think I'll go back to reading my mail.

[thedrifter]

Feeling Old? (3)


Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played PAC Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant "inline" for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, the Korean War and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you feel old yet?

[thedrifter]

Felix the Flying Frog

A Parable About Schedules, Cycle Times, and Shaping New Behaviors:

Once upon a time there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the local Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.

"Felix!" he exclaimed one day "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!"

Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a canary!"

Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class."

So Felix went to a three day class and learned all about problem solving, time management, and effective communication. . . but nothing about flying.

On the first day of lessons, Clarence could barely control his excitement. He explained that their apartment building had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor, eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.

Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. He just doesn't understand how important this is, thought Clarence, but I won't let nay-sayers get in the way. So with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out [who landed with a thud].

Next day, poised for his second flying lesson, Felix again begged not to be thrown out the window. With that Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.

And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD)

On the third day (at the third floor window) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling. He asked for a delay in the project until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a project time line and pointed to the third milestone and asked "You don't want to slip the schedule, do you?"

From his training Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. . . so he just said "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went. (THUD)

Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think Superman thoughts. But try as he may, he couldn't fly.

By the seventh day, Felix, accepting his fate, no longer begged for mercy ... he simply looked at Clarence and said "You know you're killing me, don't you?"

Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.

With that, Felix said quietly "Shut up and open the window." And he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.

And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.

Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish.

Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement ... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence told him to fall smarter, not harder.

The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said "Next time ... I'm getting a smarter frog!"


(Does Clarence sound like anyone you know?)

[thedrifter]

Fer Sure


When evaluating job candidates for the company I work for, I often read transcripts of conversations between our hiring staff and candidates' references. Favorite excerpt so far:

Q: How are the candidate's verbal skills?

A: Like, extremely high.

[thedrifter]

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

[thedrifter]

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!

[thedrifter]

Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose. Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating expecially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.



EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.

[thedrifter]

The Final Exam

Pam writes: About 30 years ago, my father taught Literature in high school summer school. The school directed that each class give a final exam on the last day of the term and then submit completed grade cards by the end of the day. This usually meant a lot of extra hassle for the teachers. My father, however, gave the final a day early and computed all of the grade card scores. The cards were already to be turned in. When the students came to class the last day, my father stood in front of the class and told them that the administration had decreed that a final exam was to be given that day, and he had just the "final" for them.

The "final exam" he passed out was one big paragraph. Here it is:


How Smart Are You?

If the letter Z appears anywhere before this comma, cross it out, otherwise cross it out in this word: Zoo. Now unless the word "word" appears in sword, draw a wavy line here _________, otherwise draw a cross; and by the way, if A is number 1 in the alphabet, what does JM total? _____ If dogs chase cats, and cats chase mice, tell what single-figure odd number becomes even when viewed upside down, ______, otherwise draw a cross ______. Don't write DISCURSIVE here __________ if the word does not contain all of the vowels, but instead write the first four vowels in the alphabet. Now go back to the first sentence and circle the word Zoo unless a circle cannot represent any letter of the alphabet. So much for the alphabet, except that if C is not the third letter don't draw a square here _____ but do draw a cow's ear at the bottom of the page, unless D is not the second letter, in which case draw as human ear, unless you can't draw a human ear. If EAR rhymes with HAIR draw an ear anyway. Can you count from 10 down to 5? Do this backwards, writing the numbers on this line _______________. Now if a BAT can be a bird or not an animal don't draw a ball at the left of this line, but write there the letters which appear least often in ABRACADABRA. Punctuate this sentence to make sense: THAT THAT IS IS. Then if the wrong answer to "What is the largest state?" is Texas, write California here ___________ otherwise in the same space don't write ZOWIE unless deer hear. Draw a line over the second word in this sentence and under the second word in the next sentence. Write three words ending in "X" at the top of this page. Write XYZ at the left of the page if a circle is not a square: Wait! Write it at the right of the page instead unless a circle is sometimes bigger than a square. Next, give the wrong answer to the negative of this question: How old are you? ______ Now if you've had enough, write UNCLE at the end of this sentence, otherwise write UNCLE _______.

[thedrifter]

Finding a Husband

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

[thedrifter]

Finding Her Place

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

[thedrifter]

Finish What You Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[thedrifter]

Fire Department

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those little red fire trucks?"

[thedrifter]

Fire Safety Training


When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

[thedrifter]

Fire Sale


After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.

"People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."

"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...."

[thedrifter]

Fireflies


A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

[thedrifter]

Firemen

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.

The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That oughta be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that darn fire truck!"

[thedrifter]

First Aid


My neighbor, the homebuilder, came home drunk and managed to park in the garage, but injured himself when he knocked some sample storm windows he had on a shelf. He got a few nicks on his face, so he rushed to the bathroom and did some first aid on himself.

In the morning, going into the kitchen, his wife said "You came home drunk last night, didn't you ?"

"Heavens no," he answered, playing the role. "I just injured myself on the job yesterday."

His wife said, "OK then, please explain the bandages all over the bathroom mirror."

[thedrifter]

First Aid 2

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

[thedrifter]

First Aid?


A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "victims" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

[Phantom Blooper]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigara for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' "So, we go to club car."

"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! NofolkaVirginia!'"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

:banana:

[thedrifter]

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
A young man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Maine.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so
he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to go visit friends in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, go lay down!"

[thedrifter]

Confusing The Border Guards


While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"

[thedrifter]

Best Excuse To Get Out of A Ticket
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks he can outrun this guy, so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

[thedrifter]

Some Military Humor


These jokes are in Honor of our troops who are positioned around the world.

Misunderstanding Military TermsOne reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

The Show Off Pilots
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."

Military Etiquette Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"

Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean mother****er sis!"

Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?"

Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and **** in the other!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested.

"Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[thedrifter]

Eyewitness!!

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.

"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

[thedrifter]

Eye of the Beholder

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[thedrifter]

Eye Surgery

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

[thedrifter]

Fact of Life


A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

[thedrifter]

Fainting

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

[thedrifter]

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."