Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

The Caddy


After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!"

"No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

[thedrifter]

Caddy Comment

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

[thedrifter]

Caffeine Addict's Quiz

CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
----------------
by Chris Gahan

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder"
(ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us
to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction;
the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of
millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of
Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that
you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer
from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine
your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No
answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention
is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.


1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-
helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming
out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free
drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you
"Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as
well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into
your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee
cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their
profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?


--------------+
Response Ratio| Addiction Factor(TM)
================================================== ================
Yes | No | Analysis:
================================================== ================
20-22 | 0-2 | You are a well-rounded member of society with a love
| | for life and you are very wise.
-------+------+----------------------------------------------------
17-19 | 3-5 | You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's
| | okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
-------+------+-------------------------------------------------------
0-16 | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?
| | Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some
| | more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?

[Phantom Blooper]

Classroom Comedy: Actual Answers Given to Jr. High Test Questions Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie Q: What does "varicose" mean?

Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: What is a seizure?

A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness?

When you are sick at the airport

[Art Petersn]

CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[thedrifter]

Cakes and Ale


Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

[thedrifter]

A New California Tax


CALIFORNIA DEMOCRATS PROPOSE LEGISLATION THAT WOULD TAX RAIN

SACRAMENTO, CA - Democrats, who control all three branches of the California State Government, today proposed legislation that would tax rainfall. State Senator Homer Sackworth told BNN, "We have found that homeowners in the middle and upper classes receive an unfair break on their water bills during the rainy season. During that time their water bill can go down by as much as 70% because their yards are being watered by the rain. People who live in the lower classes, who rent, don't get this same break. Their water bill stays the same throughout the year."

In order to make things fair for people in all socio-economic levels the Democrats have devised a system that would tax rainfall for home owners in the middle and upper classes. The tax would be determined by measuring a homeowners yard size and multiplying that number by the number of inches of rain fall each season. The tax would then be tacked onto water bills.

California Governor Gray Davis is said to be in favor of the legislation because it closes a tax loophole for the rich.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


BNN Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.

[thedrifter]

Call Policy

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

[thedrifter]

Call the Preacher

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"

"No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."

[thedrifter]

Call of the Wild

John Magrich 4, defeated several dozen grown-ups to win the 1965 Los Angles County Hog Calling contest.

The grown-ups strained with calls like:

"Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig"

or

"OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, Piggy."

John cried. "Here piggy piggy." and 6 pigs walked right up to him.

[thedrifter]

Caller Id


The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and get me to subscribe. With caller ID this becomes a perfect opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on weekends"
"What?"
"You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but only for Saturday and Sunday"
"We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
"Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"I don't want a subscription"
(silence)
"What?"
"You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't want one."
(silence}
"uh... OK"
I hang up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
(silence)
"I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
(silence)
I hang up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department. How may I help you?"
(silence)
"Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.

[thedrifter]

Calling the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

[thedrifter]

Calling in Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

[thedrifter]

Calories That Don't Count

We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.

CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.

FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")

[thedrifter]

Camels

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[thedrifter]

Campaign Funding

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Camping Trip

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Canadians


On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

[thedrifter]

Canaries


A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

[thedrifter]

Cancelling Music Service

This is an actual letter sent to cancel a music service. The person writing it figured whoever reads these got tired of "please cancel my subscription" over and over again....

February 1, 1995

Dear BMG,

I have not been looking forward to this moment, but I think we both felt it was coming. I've enjoyed the time we've been together, but for the last month or so, the magic has been gone. No, don't cry, it's nothing you've done. It's me. When we first met, and you offered all those CD's for such a small price, I thought my dreams had come true. But now.... oh I don't know, it just isn't the same. It's true you've offered some great deals, 2 for 1, $4.99 unlimited CD's, but it's just a commitment I can't continue.

Wait...there's more. I've been, uh...purchasing CD's from another place. It's a used CD place. I tried not to, but, they were there, easy to get to, I didn't have to wait, hoping there would be a sale ... they were ... reasonable priced.

Don't worry. There are others out there who will love what you have to offer. It's just ... not what's right for me. I hope I haven't led you on, by sending back the cards asking not to send me the special, and yet giving the false impression that I might buy it next time.

Take care, be strong, I will always remember you.

[thedrifter]

Candles in the Dark

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

[thedrifter]

Can't Stop


An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

[thedrifter]

Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[thedrifter]

Can You Give Me a Push?

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

[thedrifter]

The Cantor


A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

[thedrifter]

Car Ads, Translated

Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust

One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything

10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet

Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter

Very clean - only washed if and when it rains

Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics

Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats

Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand

Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap

Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place

Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around

Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week

Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph

[thedrifter]

Car Alarms

I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

[thedrifter]

Car Burglary in the UK

One of our local Members of Parliament; (Gillian Shephard ) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.

"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary; shall I get one?"

Gillian nodded her assent.

Enter Justin, doing a few years for such crimes, and he was invited to display his skills to the advantage of Mrs. Shephard in order to save her any further embarrassment.

With that, Justin picked up a large stone and hurled it at the windscreen shattering it in a million pieces.

Surrounding press and camera men had to hide behind trees and other cover to conceal their mirth.

Apparently, Justin, though a frequent offender, had a "simple and dynamic approach " to theft. Not for him the sophisticated business of bits of wire etc.

By way of explanation he later said that all he was ever after was the property inside the vehicles.

[thedrifter]

Car Locator

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.

Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

[thedrifter]

Car Purchase

A Russian man decided he would like to buy a car. He phones the factory and asks, "How long do I have to wait for a car if I place my order immediately?"

The salesman replies, "Your car will be delivered in five years. Let's see now...that will be a Monday in September."

"Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" inquires the man.

"When you've waited five years, what does it matter whether the car arrives in the morning or the afternoon?" questioned the salesman.

"Because the plumber is coming in the morning."

[thedrifter]

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
--but imagine if they did . . .

---------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and
turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

---------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $22,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components?
I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

----------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't
start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the
product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me a free upgrade so it
doesn't crash anymore!"

--------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise
control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
my car!"

[thedrifter]

Career Choice - 1

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

[thedrifter]

Career Choice - 2

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

[thedrifter]

Career Choice

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

[thedrifter]

Carjacking

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem -- her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.

The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

[thedrifter]

Car Problems

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," Sandra said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

[thedrifter]

Carry My Photo

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[thedrifter]

Case Closed

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

[thedrifter]

A Case of the Flu


Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

[thedrifter]

The Case of the Missing Cow

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.

The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.

He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

[thedrifter]

Casual Day, Official Policy

Casual Day Week 1 - Memo No. 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4:00 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7:00 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 6: Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 7: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

[thedrifter]

Catch 22


You think the Y2K problem is bad.......

In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. T he following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

[Phantom Blooper]

3 Ways to Ensure a Successful Marriage (from a seasoned vet): 1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She can go on Tuesdays, he can go on Fridays. 2. Sleep in separate beds. Hers in Florida and His in New York. 3. Always hold hands. If he lets go, she'll start shopping.

[Phantom Blooper]

Q.) When you have your tonsils removed it is called?
A.) Tonsillectomy


Q.) When you have your appendices removed it is called?
A.) Appendectomy

Q.) When you have a sex change operation it is called?
A.) Addadictome

[thedrifter]

Cats as Cats Can

(WARNING! You are about to enter a "Pun Zone". Be prepared!)
This is attributed to Danny Kaye -- a funny man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Young Marie was excited. She was going to visit her cousin Madeline in France. She was going to stay an entire summer and she was excited about meeting Madeline and visiting France, but she was most excited about learning French.

When she arrived, she was even more thrilled because Madeline's cat had just had kittens, and Madeline gave Marie three of them to raise as her very own. Because Marie was beginning to learn French, she named her three new kittens Une, Deux, and Trois.

Marie played with the kittens constantly, and she took them everywhere she went. One day, Marie and Madeline were playing beside the Seine River. Marie put her three kittens in a small toy boat and pulled them along the river while she walked carefully beside them on the bank. Unfortunately, a large boat sped by, and the wake tipped Marie's toy boat and the kittens spilled overboard.

Seeing Marie in tears, Madeline rushed up and asked what had happened.

Marie replied, very sadly, "Une, Deux, Trois cats sank."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(For those of us who do not speak much French, try to remember how to count from one to five in French. Sound it out.)

[thedrifter]

Cats are Computers?

All this time I thought that "PC" stood for Personal Computer.
How wrong I was!

SPECIFICATIONS
--------------
Standard input: 1) bilateral frontal whisker array 2) bilateral
adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz), 3) stereoscopic scanning
device, with night vision 4) Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy
collector 5) twin front-mounted odor sampling devices.

Standard output: 1) internally mounted purrbox 2) single speaker with
separate growl mode 3) rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor: 1) parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2) autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware: 1) calcium-based skeletal structure 2) byte-to-bit
conversion array 3) retractable document shredder/hole punch 4) pawpad
printer 5) mouse (standard catnip). Also included: natural fiber
protective covering in various colors

SYSTEM SOFTWARE
---------------
Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (domestic shorthair)
OS (other shorthair)
MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is
recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.

Bundled Software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat,
Explorer, and Stuffit Expander.

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.

There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

OPERATING YOUR PC
-----------------

To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep
automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke
the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your
PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the
mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with
your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your
shoe on.

To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface
wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion
is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your
PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatability and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently
assess compatibility with other PCs.

Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with
other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible
PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems.

Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network
for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and
FISH, unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are
installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they
occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchial structure.

Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat
food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy
sources.

TROUBLESHOOTING
---------------

PC has difficulty exiting ... perform a Warm Boot.

PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC
prior to running food-related software.

PC Hangs Up Phone During Connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior
to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.

PC Is Frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until
it responds.

Deleted Material Not Going to Trash or Recycling Bin: reprogram
preferences in PC sys/litter box/deposit/target.aim

[thedrifter]

Cat Bathing


Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage, and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a porta-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub.

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point, and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks, and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[thedrifter]

Catholic Dictionary, Part 1


Act of Contrition---A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the confessional.

Act of God--- 1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover 2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.

Acts of the Apostles---1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check arrived for the Last Supper. 2. Christ's touring company---they knocked 'em dead in Samaria, Thessalonica, Damascus,etc.

Advent ---A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and cash registers ringing.

Advent Wreath--- A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.

Agnostic---1. An atheist who is hedging his bets. 2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who is sure he doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday.

All Saints Day (November 1st)---- A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked halloween candy to your little brother.

All Soul's Day (November 2nd)---The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.

Alpha and Omega----The fraternity that Christ belonged to.

Amen----The only part of a prayer everyone knows.

Annulment----1. Divorce, Catholic style. 2. A decree that a marriage never existed---like the dream sequence on "Dallas".

Apocalypse---An important event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for.

Armageddon---The last day you can redeem your green stamps.

Ascension of Christ----Jesus rose into heaven forty days after Easter---an indication of how tough it is to get a table up there.

Beatification----1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from having a parochial school named after him. 2. The step in the canonization process when a persons' head is fitted into a halo.

Beattitudes----1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque. 2. Second rate attitudes.

Benediction---The start of the race to the parking lot.

Bethlehem---Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.

Bingo---1. How Catholics tithe. 2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old ladies off the street.

Bishop---Old man in the see.

Body of Christ---Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess.

Capital sins---more serious that the lower case ones.

Caroling---1. A Christmas tradition of walking from house to house singing yule song until residents give you food to shut up. 2. Yuletide revenge on the neighbor whose barking dog keeps you up at night.

Catholic Mass---An event with so much standing, sitting, and kneeling you can forego your Jane Fonda workout tape for Sunday.

Catholic wedding---A ceremony in which a father loses his daughter---and his life savings.

Celibacy--- A clever comeback used by single men and women to explain why they don't have a date for Saturday night.

Charity---1. What you call your trash when you give it to the Little Sisters of the Poor. 2 The only one of the theological virtues that pays off every April 15th.

Choir---A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Christians--- People who follow Jesus, although they disagree on which way He went.

Christmas---The celebration of the birth of Christ, which invariably falls during the busiest shopping season of the year.

Confession---What you bragged about the night before.

Conscience--- the little voice of morarity that you wish had a body so you could punch it in the nose.

Convent---A rectory where the toilet seats are always down.

Covenant---A contract between God and His people --- one that the Devil is still trying to take to arbitration.

Creation---The story that scientists get a big bang out of.

Creationism---The belief that no one is a monkey's uncle.

Cry room---A place in the back of the church where children are brought after their tantrums have reduced their parents to tears.

Dead Sea Scrolls---The Cliff Notes to the old testament.

Devil---Evil with a capital D.

Devotion--- Standing for the duration of the Gospel on Palm Sunday

Disciples---Followers of Christ who hadn't earned enough merit badges to become Apostles.

Divine intervention---What happens when God steps in and does something for the good of mankind...like ending Ronald Reagan's movie career.

Dona Nobis Pacem--- The double play combination of the parish softball team.

Doxology---A verbal high-five with the Lord.

[thedrifter]

The C.E.O.


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

[thedrifter]

CEO Blunder

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

[thedrifter]

Cat Bathing - Version 2


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

JOB DONE!

[thedrifter]

Cemetery Visit

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Art Petersn]

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking

and
roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
look
good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said "What the heck, I'm on vacation
down here. Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per
day,
because there is only one bullfight each morning. Come early tomorrow and
place
your order, and we will save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he

w! as
served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to
the
waiter and said "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the
ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull
wins."............

[Phantom Blooper]

Students in an advanced biology class were taking
a mid term. The last question, worth 70 points was:

Name seven advantages of mothers milk.
The student in question had also partied the night
before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
He wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always available as needed.

4. It is always at the right temperature

5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of
the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He was the only student to ace (100%) on the exam. :banana:

[Art Petersn]

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time

to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that
read:



HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to

her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired
gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs



The woman said, "You're not really asking me to

consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"



The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"



She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"



Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"



She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?"



with that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile

and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[thedrifter]

Cat Diary

CAT DIARY (as written by my cat)
(Heard on the Mark Mason Show on KEX, Portland)

"I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and
still be politically correct. Well, here's: "HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS
& STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT"

I'm not aloof.
I am Hominoidally Unimpressed

I don't shed.
I develop Follicle Abdication

I don't scratch.
I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don't purr.
I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent.
I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I'm not small.
I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat.
I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep.
I am temporarily inert.

I don't chase mice.
I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy.
I become a Fastidious Feline

I am not hungry.
I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder

I'm not fixed.
I am Romantically Inaccessible.

It was a good day."

[thedrifter]

Cat Haiku


You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound;
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion. then--
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds--
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Kitty like plastic.
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
Inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp. . .

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll poop in the sink.

[thedrifter]

Catholic Dictionary, Part 3

Jesuits-- An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jesus Christ---1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?"

Jesus freaks---The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple.

Jews---Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews---if there were no Catholics or gypsies around.

Job---A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery.

John the Baptist--1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from--along with Jim the Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian.

Jonah--the original "Jaws" story.

Justice--When your kids have kids of their own.

Kneeler---What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on.

Kyrie Elieson---The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Lamb of God---A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat.

Lapsed Catholic---1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in football.

Last Supper--- One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table.

Latin--- The language that died of irregular vowel movenents.

Latin Mass--- Vatican II----Latin 0

Lazarus--1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his own funeral.

Lector---The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports coats of the ushers.

Lent---1. The time of year when you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant neighbors. 2. The last chance before summer to keep those broken New Year's promises.

Limbo--- A place for unbaptized souls who must bend over backwards to get into Heaven.

Litany--- The part of the Mass you don't need to memorize.

"Love thy Neighbor as thyself" ----- The Golden Rule--- for everybody except masochists.

Lust--- One of the seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not allowed to commit it.

Lyre--A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp.

Madonna--- latin for "like a virgin"

Magi--- The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.

Manger---1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Manna--- the trail of bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so they could find their way out of the desert

Martyr---Someone dying to be a saint. 2. A religious person who gets stoned.

Mary, Blessed Virgin--- The only mother who became well known for her virginity.

Mary Magdalene----- The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?"

Mass--- The kind of confusion that exists in the church parking lot every Sunday.

Mass Attendance--- How young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still live with their parents.

Mea Culpa--- An obscure way to take the blame for something without letting everyone know that you screwed up.

"The meek shall inherit the earth" ---The Lord's trickle-down theory.

Mercy--when there is no sermon on a hot Sunday.

Messiah-- A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on.

Methuselah--- The oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783 in dog years.

Middle Ages---When a Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but still has to bring home a bulletin as proof.

Miracle--- 1. A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids. 2. An event with no reasonable explanation---such as "The Honeymooners: the Lost Episodes". 3. Divine intervention--prayed for most ardently in the waning seconds of football games.

Missalettes---- The dancing girls at progressive masses.

Mitre--- The hat that the bishop has to take off at movies.

Monks---What priests evolved from.

Monotheism---When God speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio.

Monsignor---A title conferred by the Pope on a priest (this grants him an extra ten minutes of sermon each week.)

Mortal sin--- A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found out.

Mortification---Ignoring your stomach growls during Mass.

Moses---The leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the mountain a third time for directions out of the desert.

Mount Sinai--- The place where God told Moses to take two tablets and call him in the morning.

myrrh---The second gift of the Magi, and a great scrabble word when you're out of vowels.

Mysteries of the Church--- Phenomena that are impossible to understand. For example, how a four foot altar boy can lift a twenty-pound book high enough for a six-foot man to read from.

Mysteries of the Rosary--- Things to ponder while you're praying the Rosary--such as how to get the darned thing untangled.

[thedrifter]

Change is Good?


Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

[thedrifter]

Changing Times - 1

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

[thedrifter]

Charitable Contribution

Father O'Malley answers the phone...


"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"


(pause)

"He will."

[thedrifter]

Charitable Lawyer

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"

The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Chat Room

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

[thedrifter]

The Chauffeur


A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

[thedrifter]

Cheap Meat


It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound." The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

[thedrifter]

Need any help??


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[thedrifter]

The Queen and Al Gore

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing
vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with
the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?"

Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members
of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know
the answer now! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

[montana]

A duck walks into a store and asks for some duck food
the clerk says hes sorry but hes all out of duck food...but should have some in two weeks
the next day the duck walks in and asks for duck food
the clerk said I told you yeaterday we are out of duck food
the next day the ducks back at the store... got any duck food
the clerk says thats enough ...i told you we are uot of duck food....if you come back in here asking for duck food im gona nail your feet to the floor
the next day the duck comes into the store and askes for some nails ...the clerk says we are out of nails ....the duck asks ya got any duck food

[thedrifter]

Checking for Leaks

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

[thedrifter]

Chemical Cooking

The Chemists' Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reation is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


There are several points that probably should be made if somebody is to really follow this recipe:

1. Quantities should be expressed in no more than 3 significant digits and preferably 2 (530 cc gluten, for example) because you can't measure them any more accurately than that anyway. (I'm the only person I know that has routinely cut wood to the thousandth of an inch.)

2. Many of the ingredients are not sufficiently specific, for example item 8 could just as easily be hummingbird eggs, in which case you would need a LOT more than two. Recipe doesn't seem to say if you use or remove the carbonate encapsulation. (It is nutritious but gritty.)

3. Item 9 doesn't say whether it is ground, solid, or what, and asks for a whole PINT of the stuff. If it is unsweetened, it would make the product pretty BITTER. I would understand it to mean something like a whole can of Baker's Unsweetened, while I suspect you really meant chocolate chips which contain a lot more than the powdered commercial product of the Theobroma cacao tree.

4. Item 10 could be mimosa seeds, dal urhad (a small Indian legume), lentils, or any of a lot of other things. I don't think peanuts will go through a #10 sieve unless they are pretty finely chopped.

5. 316SS is not good for cooking because of its low heat conductivity, like most of the other stainless steels, and 600 mm wide is bigger than most ovens. I'd recommend a 30x45 cm aluminum sheet.

[thedrifter]

Chemistry Final Exam

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It said: (95 Points)- Which tire ??

[thedrifter]

Cherokee 180


One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."

[thedrifter]

Cherry Tree in the 90's

For those who aren't familiar with the story of George Washington and the cherry tree, let me give you the 30 second version. George Washington, the first President of the United States, was known for his truthfulness, even as a child. The story tells that young George chopped down a cherry tree and when his father asked him about it, he told his father the truth. George was not punished because of his truthfulness. You can figure out the moral of the story.

Now, imagine if this happened in today's world .....)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that.

"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches.

"So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.

"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship."


(Sound familiar?)

[thedrifter]

The Cherry Tree Hearings

Released this morning for the first time, is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings. Due to the nature of the content, reader discretion is advised. Parental discretion is also advised. In fact, discretion of all kinds is generally a good idea for everyone.

"George?"

"Yes, father."

"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"

"Yes, father."

"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"

"No, father."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, father."

"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."

"Why, father?"

"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."

"Oh."

"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"

"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."

"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"

"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I would call it a 'chopping' relationship."

"Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?"

"No, father."

"No? No? Why do you still say no?"

"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop down' your cherry tree."

"Well, what did you do, then?"

"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."

"So you chopped it down."

"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."

"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"

"No, father."

"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"

"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little finger?"

"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."

"And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"

"It sure is."

"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?"

"I guess so."

"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down, yet the most important part of the tree is still standing.' "

"I see."

"All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia."

"George, you're very crafty."

"Thank you father."

"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"

"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer."

[thedrifter]

Chicago Cab Driver

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.

My husband obligingly hailed a cab.

"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.

"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

[Phantom Blooper]

How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic:
Only one.
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal:
Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:
None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:
None.
Candles only.

Baptists:
At least fifteen.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians:
Three.
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons:
Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists:
Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene:
Six.
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans:
None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

[Phantom Blooper]

Thanksgiving dinner recipes from kids in Kindergarten. Enjoy! Shelby - Applesauce Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. Jennie - Corn My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it. Lauren - Turkey First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it. Stevie - Pumpkin Pie First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

[thedrifter]

Chicken Crossing the Road


Concerning the Chicken Crossing the Road . . . .

John F. Kennedy:

"All of us who have crossed the roads of our lives understand the dangers of destination and the formidable burdens of flightless fowl. So let every chicken know, whether it crosses slowly or quickly, that this administration supports the struggles of chickens everywhere, and we will not be content until every hen is the master of its own house. We all have roads before us, and so each of us, in our own way, is really chicken.

Lyndon Baines Johnson:

"Ah have known many chickens in mah time. Some as friends, some as opponents, still others as dinner. Many chickens in our great society have tried to cross the road. Some have been successful. Others have been struck down by beer trucks in the prime of pullethood. Therefore I, as your president, ask the American people to rededicate themselves tonight to the struggles of chickens everywhere. They have begun their humble journeys across the road. Let them continyah."

Pat Buchanan

"We know why the chicken crossed the road, my friends. Oh, yes we do. It crossed the road for the same reason they ALL cross the road: to come to our country, and eat our dried corn, and peck in our barnyard, and send their little chicks, mostly born out of wedlock, to our schools. But the American people are tired of those chickens, and the peasants have picked up their pitchforks. Our message to those chickens is simple, my friends: 'Welcome to the barbecue.'"

Ross Perot

"All right, so say you've got this chicken. He's at Point A on this chart here, and he's next to some road, which is this line that bisects the chart from top to bottom. But the chicken doesn't want to stay at Point A, no sir. That's stagnant. That's the kind of thinking we've had too long in this country. That chicken wants to CROSS that road, to go over here to Point B. Maybe he wants to open up a business or something, it doesn't really matter why. But the point is, he's got to cross that road. No way around it. He doesn't need a government handout. He just needs somebody to stop the darn traffic for a couple of minutes so he can GET across. Are you followin' me so far?"

[thedrifter]

Chicago


A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck".

[thedrifter]

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Part 1)

Plato:
For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
"chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:
For fun.

Ral