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11-20-03, 07:02 AM
The Caddy

After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!"

"No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

11-20-03, 07:02 AM
Caddy Comment

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

11-20-03, 07:03 AM
Caffeine Addict's Quiz

by Chris Gahan

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder"
(ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us
to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction;
the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of
millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of
Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that
you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer
from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine
your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No
answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention
is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee-
helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming
out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you
"Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as
well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into
your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee
cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

Response Ratio| Addiction Factor(TM)
================================================== ================
Yes | No | Analysis:
================================================== ================
20-22 | 0-2 | You are a well-rounded member of society with a love
| | for life and you are very wise.
17-19 | 3-5 | You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's
| | okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
0-16 | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?
| | Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some
| | more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?

Phantom Blooper
11-20-03, 07:45 AM
Classroom Comedy: Actual Answers Given to Jr. High Test Questions Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie Q: What does "varicose" mean?

Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: What is a seizure?

A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness?

When you are sick at the airport

Art Petersn
11-20-03, 04:14 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

11-20-03, 06:45 PM
Cakes and Ale

Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

11-20-03, 06:46 PM
A New California Tax


SACRAMENTO, CA - Democrats, who control all three branches of the California State Government, today proposed legislation that would tax rainfall. State Senator Homer Sackworth told BNN, "We have found that homeowners in the middle and upper classes receive an unfair break on their water bills during the rainy season. During that time their water bill can go down by as much as 70% because their yards are being watered by the rain. People who live in the lower classes, who rent, don't get this same break. Their water bill stays the same throughout the year."

In order to make things fair for people in all socio-economic levels the Democrats have devised a system that would tax rainfall for home owners in the middle and upper classes. The tax would be determined by measuring a homeowners yard size and multiplying that number by the number of inches of rain fall each season. The tax would then be tacked onto water bills.

California Governor Gray Davis is said to be in favor of the legislation because it closes a tax loophole for the rich.


BNN Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.

11-20-03, 06:46 PM
Call Policy

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

11-20-03, 06:47 PM
Call the Preacher

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"

"No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."

11-20-03, 06:48 PM
Call of the Wild

John Magrich 4, defeated several dozen grown-ups to win the 1965 Los Angles County Hog Calling contest.

The grown-ups strained with calls like:

"Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig"


"OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, Piggy."

John cried. "Here piggy piggy." and 6 pigs walked right up to him.

11-20-03, 06:49 PM
Caller Id

The local paper, which I don't bother to subscribe to since I don't have a bird, calls every couple of weeks to try and get me to subscribe. With caller ID this becomes a perfect opportunity. Here are some of the highlights.
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"OK I'll take a subscription, but I only want it on weekends"
"You want to sell me a subscription. I'll take it, but only for Saturday and Sunday"
"We only offer it Thursday through Sunday."
"Oh then never mind."
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"I don't want a subscription"
"You are calling to offer me a subscription. I don't want one."
"uh... OK"
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Hi! Is this Billy-Bob's Gun and Ammo Shop?"
"I wanna buy a gun. You got any?"
I hang up.
Phone rings. I glance at the monitor and pick up the phone.
"Good afternoon, Gainesville Sun circulation department. How may I help you?"
"Umm... Sorry. Wrong number."
I hang up.

11-20-03, 06:49 PM
Calling the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

11-20-03, 06:50 PM
Calling in Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

11-21-03, 07:36 AM
Calories That Don't Count

We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.

CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.

FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")

11-21-03, 07:37 AM

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

11-21-03, 07:38 AM
Campaign Funding

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!


11-21-03, 07:38 AM
Camping Trip

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."


11-21-03, 07:39 AM

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

11-21-03, 07:40 AM

A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

11-21-03, 07:40 AM
Cancelling Music Service

This is an actual letter sent to cancel a music service. The person writing it figured whoever reads these got tired of "please cancel my subscription" over and over again....

February 1, 1995

Dear BMG,

I have not been looking forward to this moment, but I think we both felt it was coming. I've enjoyed the time we've been together, but for the last month or so, the magic has been gone. No, don't cry, it's nothing you've done. It's me. When we first met, and you offered all those CD's for such a small price, I thought my dreams had come true. But now.... oh I don't know, it just isn't the same. It's true you've offered some great deals, 2 for 1, $4.99 unlimited CD's, but it's just a commitment I can't continue.

Wait...there's more. I've been, uh...purchasing CD's from another place. It's a used CD place. I tried not to, but, they were there, easy to get to, I didn't have to wait, hoping there would be a sale ... they were ... reasonable priced.

Don't worry. There are others out there who will love what you have to offer. It's just ... not what's right for me. I hope I haven't led you on, by sending back the cards asking not to send me the special, and yet giving the false impression that I might buy it next time.

Take care, be strong, I will always remember you.

11-21-03, 07:41 AM
Candles in the Dark

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

11-21-03, 07:41 AM
Can't Stop

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

11-21-03, 07:42 AM
Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

11-21-03, 07:07 PM
Can You Give Me a Push?

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

11-21-03, 07:08 PM
The Cantor

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

11-21-03, 07:09 PM
Car Ads, Translated

Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust

One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything

10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet

Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter

Very clean - only washed if and when it rains

Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics

Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats

Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand

Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap

Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place

Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around

Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week

Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph

11-21-03, 07:09 PM
Car Alarms

I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

11-21-03, 07:10 PM
Car Burglary in the UK

One of our local Members of Parliament; (Gillian Shephard ) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.

"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary; shall I get one?"

Gillian nodded her assent.

Enter Justin, doing a few years for such crimes, and he was invited to display his skills to the advantage of Mrs. Shephard in order to save her any further embarrassment.

With that, Justin picked up a large stone and hurled it at the windscreen shattering it in a million pieces.

Surrounding press and camera men had to hide behind trees and other cover to conceal their mirth.

Apparently, Justin, though a frequent offender, had a "simple and dynamic approach " to theft. Not for him the sophisticated business of bits of wire etc.

By way of explanation he later said that all he was ever after was the property inside the vehicles.

11-21-03, 07:10 PM
Car Locator

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.

Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

11-21-03, 07:11 PM
Car Purchase

A Russian man decided he would like to buy a car. He phones the factory and asks, "How long do I have to wait for a car if I place my order immediately?"

The salesman replies, "Your car will be delivered in five years. Let's see now...that will be a Monday in September."

"Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" inquires the man.

"When you've waited five years, what does it matter whether the car arrives in the morning or the afternoon?" questioned the salesman.

"Because the plumber is coming in the morning."

11-21-03, 07:11 PM
What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
--but imagine if they did . . .


HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and
turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $22,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components?
I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the
product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me a free upgrade so it
doesn't crash anymore!"


HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise
control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
my car!"

11-22-03, 07:14 AM
Career Choice - 1

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

11-22-03, 07:15 AM
Career Choice - 2

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

11-22-03, 07:15 AM
Career Choice

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

11-22-03, 07:16 AM

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

Small problem -- her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car, identical to the one she was in, was parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station.

The officer to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the far end of the counter, where four men were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

11-22-03, 07:16 AM
Car Problems

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," Sandra said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

11-22-03, 07:17 AM
Carry My Photo

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

11-22-03, 07:18 AM
Case Closed

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The women were arguing noisily even in the court.

The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

11-22-03, 07:18 AM
A Case of the Flu

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

11-22-03, 07:18 AM
The Case of the Missing Cow


A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.

The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.

He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

11-22-03, 07:19 AM
Casual Day, Official Policy

Casual Day Week 1 - Memo No. 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4:00 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7:00 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 6: Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 7: Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

11-22-03, 07:20 AM
Catch 22

You think the Y2K problem is bad.......

In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. T he following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

Phantom Blooper
11-22-03, 07:45 AM
3 Ways to Ensure a Successful Marriage (from a seasoned vet): 1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She can go on Tuesdays, he can go on Fridays. 2. Sleep in separate beds. Hers in Florida and His in New York. 3. Always hold hands. If he lets go, she'll start shopping.

Phantom Blooper
11-22-03, 05:48 PM
Q.) When you have your tonsils removed it is called?
A.) Tonsillectomy

Q.) When you have your appendices removed it is called?
A.) Appendectomy

Q.) When you have a sex change operation it is called?
A.) Addadictome

11-23-03, 09:00 AM
Cats as Cats Can

(WARNING! You are about to enter a "Pun Zone". Be prepared!)
This is attributed to Danny Kaye -- a funny man!


Young Marie was excited. She was going to visit her cousin Madeline in France. She was going to stay an entire summer and she was excited about meeting Madeline and visiting France, but she was most excited about learning French.

When she arrived, she was even more thrilled because Madeline's cat had just had kittens, and Madeline gave Marie three of them to raise as her very own. Because Marie was beginning to learn French, she named her three new kittens Une, Deux, and Trois.

Marie played with the kittens constantly, and she took them everywhere she went. One day, Marie and Madeline were playing beside the Seine River. Marie put her three kittens in a small toy boat and pulled them along the river while she walked carefully beside them on the bank. Unfortunately, a large boat sped by, and the wake tipped Marie's toy boat and the kittens spilled overboard.

Seeing Marie in tears, Madeline rushed up and asked what had happened.

Marie replied, very sadly, "Une, Deux, Trois cats sank."


(For those of us who do not speak much French, try to remember how to count from one to five in French. Sound it out.)

11-23-03, 09:01 AM
Cats are Computers?

All this time I thought that "PC" stood for Personal Computer.
How wrong I was!

Standard input: 1) bilateral frontal whisker array 2) bilateral
adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz), 3) stereoscopic scanning
device, with night vision 4) Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy
collector 5) twin front-mounted odor sampling devices.

Standard output: 1) internally mounted purrbox 2) single speaker with
separate growl mode 3) rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor: 1) parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2) autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware: 1) calcium-based skeletal structure 2) byte-to-bit
conversion array 3) retractable document shredder/hole punch 4) pawpad
printer 5) mouse (standard catnip). Also included: natural fiber
protective covering in various colors

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (domestic shorthair)
OS (other shorthair)
MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is
recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.

Bundled Software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat,
Explorer, and Stuffit Expander.

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.

There are no user-serviceable parts inside.


To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep
automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke
the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your
PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the
mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with
your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your
shoe on.

To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface
wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion
is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your
PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatability and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently
assess compatibility with other PCs.

Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with
other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible
PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems.

Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network
for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and
FISH, unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are
installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they
occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchial structure.

Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat
food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy


PC has difficulty exiting ... perform a Warm Boot.

PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC
prior to running food-related software.

PC Hangs Up Phone During Connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior
to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.

PC Is Frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until
it responds.

Deleted Material Not Going to Trash or Recycling Bin: reprogram
preferences in PC sys/litter box/deposit/target.aim

11-23-03, 09:01 AM
Cat Bathing

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage, and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a porta-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub.

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water, and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point, and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks, and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

11-23-03, 09:02 AM
Catholic Dictionary, Part 1

Act of Contrition---A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the confessional.

Act of God--- 1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover 2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.

Acts of the Apostles---1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check arrived for the Last Supper. 2. Christ's touring company---they knocked 'em dead in Samaria, Thessalonica, Damascus,etc.

Advent ---A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and cash registers ringing.

Advent Wreath--- A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.

Agnostic---1. An atheist who is hedging his bets. 2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who is sure he doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday.

All Saints Day (November 1st)---- A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked halloween candy to your little brother.

All Soul's Day (November 2nd)---The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.

Alpha and Omega----The fraternity that Christ belonged to.

Amen----The only part of a prayer everyone knows.

Annulment----1. Divorce, Catholic style. 2. A decree that a marriage never existed---like the dream sequence on "Dallas".

Apocalypse---An important event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for.

Armageddon---The last day you can redeem your green stamps.

Ascension of Christ----Jesus rose into heaven forty days after Easter---an indication of how tough it is to get a table up there.

Beatification----1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from having a parochial school named after him. 2. The step in the canonization process when a persons' head is fitted into a halo.

Beattitudes----1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque. 2. Second rate attitudes.

Benediction---The start of the race to the parking lot.

Bethlehem---Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.

Bingo---1. How Catholics tithe. 2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old ladies off the street.

Bishop---Old man in the see.

Body of Christ---Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess.

Capital sins---more serious that the lower case ones.

Caroling---1. A Christmas tradition of walking from house to house singing yule song until residents give you food to shut up. 2. Yuletide revenge on the neighbor whose barking dog keeps you up at night.

Catholic Mass---An event with so much standing, sitting, and kneeling you can forego your Jane Fonda workout tape for Sunday.

Catholic wedding---A ceremony in which a father loses his daughter---and his life savings.

Celibacy--- A clever comeback used by single men and women to explain why they don't have a date for Saturday night.

Charity---1. What you call your trash when you give it to the Little Sisters of the Poor. 2 The only one of the theological virtues that pays off every April 15th.

Choir---A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Christians--- People who follow Jesus, although they disagree on which way He went.

Christmas---The celebration of the birth of Christ, which invariably falls during the busiest shopping season of the year.

Confession---What you bragged about the night before.

Conscience--- the little voice of morarity that you wish had a body so you could punch it in the nose.

Convent---A rectory where the toilet seats are always down.

Covenant---A contract between God and His people --- one that the Devil is still trying to take to arbitration.

Creation---The story that scientists get a big bang out of.

Creationism---The belief that no one is a monkey's uncle.

Cry room---A place in the back of the church where children are brought after their tantrums have reduced their parents to tears.

Dead Sea Scrolls---The Cliff Notes to the old testament.

Devil---Evil with a capital D.

Devotion--- Standing for the duration of the Gospel on Palm Sunday

Disciples---Followers of Christ who hadn't earned enough merit badges to become Apostles.

Divine intervention---What happens when God steps in and does something for the good of mankind...like ending Ronald Reagan's movie career.

Dona Nobis Pacem--- The double play combination of the parish softball team.

Doxology---A verbal high-five with the Lord.

11-23-03, 09:03 AM
The C.E.O.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

11-23-03, 09:03 AM
CEO Blunder

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

11-23-03, 09:04 AM
Cat Bathing - Version 2

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.


11-23-03, 09:04 AM
Cemetery Visit

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Art Petersn
11-23-03, 09:55 AM
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking

roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it
good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said "What the heck, I'm on vacation
down here. Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per
because there is only one bullfight each morning. Come early tomorrow and
your order, and we will save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he

w! as
served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to
waiter and said "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull

Phantom Blooper
11-23-03, 06:46 PM
Students in an advanced biology class were taking
a mid term. The last question, worth 70 points was:

Name seven advantages of mothers milk.
The student in question had also partied the night
before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.
He wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always available as needed.

4. It is always at the right temperature

5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of
the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He was the only student to ace (100%) on the exam. :banana:

Art Petersn
11-24-03, 05:48 AM
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time

to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that





On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to

her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired
gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to

consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?"

with that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile

and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

11-24-03, 07:13 AM
Cat Diary

CAT DIARY (as written by my cat)
(Heard on the Mark Mason Show on KEX, Portland)

"I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and
still be politically correct. Well, here's: "HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS

I'm not aloof.
I am Hominoidally Unimpressed

I don't shed.
I develop Follicle Abdication

I don't scratch.
I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don't purr.
I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent.
I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I'm not small.
I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat.
I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep.
I am temporarily inert.

I don't chase mice.
I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy.
I become a Fastidious Feline

I am not hungry.
I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder

I'm not fixed.
I am Romantically Inaccessible.

It was a good day."

11-24-03, 07:16 AM
Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound;
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion. then--
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds--
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Kitty like plastic.
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
Inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp. . .

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll poop in the sink.

11-24-03, 07:17 AM
Catholic Dictionary, Part 3

Jesuits-- An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jesus Christ---1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?"

Jesus freaks---The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple.

Jews---Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews---if there were no Catholics or gypsies around.

Job---A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery.

John the Baptist--1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from--along with Jim the Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian.

Jonah--the original "Jaws" story.

Justice--When your kids have kids of their own.

Kneeler---What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on.

Kyrie Elieson---The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Lamb of God---A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat.

Lapsed Catholic---1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in football.

Last Supper--- One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table.

Latin--- The language that died of irregular vowel movenents.

Latin Mass--- Vatican II----Latin 0

Lazarus--1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his own funeral.

Lector---The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports coats of the ushers.

Lent---1. The time of year when you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant neighbors. 2. The last chance before summer to keep those broken New Year's promises.

Limbo--- A place for unbaptized souls who must bend over backwards to get into Heaven.

Litany--- The part of the Mass you don't need to memorize.

"Love thy Neighbor as thyself" ----- The Golden Rule--- for everybody except masochists.

Lust--- One of the seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not allowed to commit it.

Lyre--A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp.

Madonna--- latin for "like a virgin"

Magi--- The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.

Manger---1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Manna--- the trail of bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so they could find their way out of the desert

Martyr---Someone dying to be a saint. 2. A religious person who gets stoned.

Mary, Blessed Virgin--- The only mother who became well known for her virginity.

Mary Magdalene----- The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?"

Mass--- The kind of confusion that exists in the church parking lot every Sunday.

Mass Attendance--- How young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still live with their parents.

Mea Culpa--- An obscure way to take the blame for something without letting everyone know that you screwed up.

"The meek shall inherit the earth" ---The Lord's trickle-down theory.

Mercy--when there is no sermon on a hot Sunday.

Messiah-- A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on.

Methuselah--- The oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783 in dog years.

Middle Ages---When a Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but still has to bring home a bulletin as proof.

Miracle--- 1. A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids. 2. An event with no reasonable explanation---such as "The Honeymooners: the Lost Episodes". 3. Divine intervention--prayed for most ardently in the waning seconds of football games.

Missalettes---- The dancing girls at progressive masses.

Mitre--- The hat that the bishop has to take off at movies.

Monks---What priests evolved from.

Monotheism---When God speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio.

Monsignor---A title conferred by the Pope on a priest (this grants him an extra ten minutes of sermon each week.)

Mortal sin--- A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found out.

Mortification---Ignoring your stomach growls during Mass.

Moses---The leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the mountain a third time for directions out of the desert.

Mount Sinai--- The place where God told Moses to take two tablets and call him in the morning.

myrrh---The second gift of the Magi, and a great scrabble word when you're out of vowels.

Mysteries of the Church--- Phenomena that are impossible to understand. For example, how a four foot altar boy can lift a twenty-pound book high enough for a six-foot man to read from.

Mysteries of the Rosary--- Things to ponder while you're praying the Rosary--such as how to get the darned thing untangled.

11-24-03, 07:18 AM
Change is Good?

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

11-24-03, 07:19 AM
Changing Times - 1

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

11-24-03, 07:19 AM
Charitable Contribution

Father O'Malley answers the phone...

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"


"He will."

11-24-03, 07:20 AM
Charitable Lawyer

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"

The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

11-24-03, 07:20 AM
Chat Room

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

11-24-03, 07:21 AM
The Chauffeur

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

11-24-03, 07:22 AM
Cheap Meat

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound." The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

11-24-03, 09:35 AM
Need any help??

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

11-24-03, 09:36 AM
The Queen and Al Gore

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing
vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with
the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?"

Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members
of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know
the answer now! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

11-24-03, 09:38 AM
A duck walks into a store and asks for some duck food
the clerk says hes sorry but hes all out of duck food...but should have some in two weeks
the next day the duck walks in and asks for duck food
the clerk said I told you yeaterday we are out of duck food
the next day the ducks back at the store... got any duck food
the clerk says thats enough ...i told you we are uot of duck food....if you come back in here asking for duck food im gona nail your feet to the floor
the next day the duck comes into the store and askes for some nails ...the clerk says we are out of nails ....the duck asks ya got any duck food

11-24-03, 07:16 PM
Checking for Leaks

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

11-24-03, 07:17 PM
Chemical Cooking

The Chemists' Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reation is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

There are several points that probably should be made if somebody is to really follow this recipe:

1. Quantities should be expressed in no more than 3 significant digits and preferably 2 (530 cc gluten, for example) because you can't measure them any more accurately than that anyway. (I'm the only person I know that has routinely cut wood to the thousandth of an inch.)

2. Many of the ingredients are not sufficiently specific, for example item 8 could just as easily be hummingbird eggs, in which case you would need a LOT more than two. Recipe doesn't seem to say if you use or remove the carbonate encapsulation. (It is nutritious but gritty.)

3. Item 9 doesn't say whether it is ground, solid, or what, and asks for a whole PINT of the stuff. If it is unsweetened, it would make the product pretty BITTER. I would understand it to mean something like a whole can of Baker's Unsweetened, while I suspect you really meant chocolate chips which contain a lot more than the powdered commercial product of the Theobroma cacao tree.

4. Item 10 could be mimosa seeds, dal urhad (a small Indian legume), lentils, or any of a lot of other things. I don't think peanuts will go through a #10 sieve unless they are pretty finely chopped.

5. 316SS is not good for cooking because of its low heat conductivity, like most of the other stainless steels, and 600 mm wide is bigger than most ovens. I'd recommend a 30x45 cm aluminum sheet.

11-24-03, 07:17 PM
Chemistry Final Exam

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It said: (95 Points)- Which tire ??

11-24-03, 07:18 PM
Cherokee 180

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."

11-24-03, 07:19 PM
Cherry Tree in the 90's

For those who aren't familiar with the story of George Washington and the cherry tree, let me give you the 30 second version. George Washington, the first President of the United States, was known for his truthfulness, even as a child. The story tells that young George chopped down a cherry tree and when his father asked him about it, he told his father the truth. George was not punished because of his truthfulness. You can figure out the moral of the story.

Now, imagine if this happened in today's world .....)

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that.

"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches.

"So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.

"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship."

(Sound familiar?)

11-24-03, 07:19 PM
The Cherry Tree Hearings

Released this morning for the first time, is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings. Due to the nature of the content, reader discretion is advised. Parental discretion is also advised. In fact, discretion of all kinds is generally a good idea for everyone.


"Yes, father."

"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"

"Yes, father."

"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"

"No, father."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, father."

"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."

"Why, father?"

"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."


"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"

"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."

"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"

"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I would call it a 'chopping' relationship."

"Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?"

"No, father."

"No? No? Why do you still say no?"

"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop down' your cherry tree."

"Well, what did you do, then?"

"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."

"So you chopped it down."

"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."

"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"

"No, father."


"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little finger?"

"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."

"And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"

"It sure is."

"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?"

"I guess so."

"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down, yet the most important part of the tree is still standing.' "

"I see."

"All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia."

"George, you're very crafty."

"Thank you father."

"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"

"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer."

11-24-03, 07:20 PM
Chicago Cab Driver

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.

My husband obligingly hailed a cab.

"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.

"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

Phantom Blooper
11-25-03, 05:35 AM
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one.
Hands are already in the air.

One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:
Candles only.

At least fifteen.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans don't believe in change.

What's a light bulb?

Phantom Blooper
11-25-03, 05:56 AM
Thanksgiving dinner recipes from kids in Kindergarten. Enjoy! Shelby - Applesauce Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. Jennie - Corn My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it. Lauren - Turkey First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it. Stevie - Pumpkin Pie First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

11-25-03, 06:52 AM
Chicken Crossing the Road

Concerning the Chicken Crossing the Road . . . .

John F. Kennedy:

"All of us who have crossed the roads of our lives understand the dangers of destination and the formidable burdens of flightless fowl. So let every chicken know, whether it crosses slowly or quickly, that this administration supports the struggles of chickens everywhere, and we will not be content until every hen is the master of its own house. We all have roads before us, and so each of us, in our own way, is really chicken.

Lyndon Baines Johnson:

"Ah have known many chickens in mah time. Some as friends, some as opponents, still others as dinner. Many chickens in our great society have tried to cross the road. Some have been successful. Others have been struck down by beer trucks in the prime of pullethood. Therefore I, as your president, ask the American people to rededicate themselves tonight to the struggles of chickens everywhere. They have begun their humble journeys across the road. Let them continyah."

Pat Buchanan

"We know why the chicken crossed the road, my friends. Oh, yes we do. It crossed the road for the same reason they ALL cross the road: to come to our country, and eat our dried corn, and peck in our barnyard, and send their little chicks, mostly born out of wedlock, to our schools. But the American people are tired of those chickens, and the peasants have picked up their pitchforks. Our message to those chickens is simple, my friends: 'Welcome to the barbecue.'"

Ross Perot

"All right, so say you've got this chicken. He's at Point A on this chart here, and he's next to some road, which is this line that bisects the chart from top to bottom. But the chicken doesn't want to stay at Point A, no sir. That's stagnant. That's the kind of thinking we've had too long in this country. That chicken wants to CROSS that road, to go over here to Point B. Maybe he wants to open up a business or something, it doesn't really matter why. But the point is, he's got to cross that road. No way around it. He doesn't need a government handout. He just needs somebody to stop the darn traffic for a couple of minutes so he can GET across. Are you followin' me so far?"

11-25-03, 06:53 AM

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck".

11-25-03, 06:54 AM
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Part 1)

For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.

Douglas Adams:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
"chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

To actualize its potential.

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but
it was moving very fast.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:
'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Ronald Reagan:
I forget.

John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for
it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little
direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not
know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure
most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omlette.

Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to
align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve
the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message
and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the
chicken change to become more successful.

Finally, in case someone thinks this has a distinctly anti-Republican bias,
the following has been added for balance:

Bill Clinton:
No one has ever offered one shred of evidence that the chicken
went anywhere near the road. Anyway, answering this question will
not educate a single child or provide a single senior citizen with
medical care.

Hillary Rodham Clinton:
Wait a minute! Chickens? That's domestic policy! You promised
that to me, Bill!

James Carville:
To avoid being killed by evil Republican policies. Now, where's
my chicken gumbo?

Al Gore:
To get ... to the other ... side.

11-25-03, 06:54 AM
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Part 2)

Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross
roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2
it gets 1.4999999999.

Hillary Rodham Clinton:
I don't recall.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.

The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying insecurity.

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around
all over the place anyway?"

The Pope:
That is only for God to know.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except
to him.

It was a government conspiracy.

It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of
his own free will.

That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was
crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only
serving their interests.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would
tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its
own freewill.

11-25-03, 06:55 AM
Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.

11-25-03, 06:56 AM
Chicken Problems

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

11-25-03, 06:56 AM
Child of the 80's

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's".

1. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

2. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

3. You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fry song while jump roping.

4. You know who "Mr. T" is.

5. You know who Fat Albert is. And also the boy with the pink mask.

6. You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

7. You could break dance, or wish you could.

8. You wanted to be "The Hulk" for Halloween.

9. You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

10. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

11. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

12. You wanted to be on Star Search.

13. You remember the Garbage Pail Kids, and owned some.

14. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

15. You HAD to have your MTV.

16. You wondered why Tootie always wore those skates.

17. You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

18. You watched Purple Rain over and over again.

19. You remember the episode of Good Times when Flo broke down after James' funeral.

20. You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

21. You own any cassettes.

22. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

23. You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.

24. Poltergeist freaked you out.

25. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunch box.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

27. You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

28. You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

29. You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

30. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

31. You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

32. You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.

11-25-03, 06:58 AM
Children Are Doing Well

To my darling husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!!. The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

11-25-03, 06:59 AM
Children Are Really Dogs and Cats

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

(Author Unknown)

11-25-03, 06:12 PM
Blonde to blonde:

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her "Its that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking into the compact the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing

11-25-03, 06:12 PM
Child's View of Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

11-25-03, 06:13 PM
Chocolate Chip Cookies

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, "Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wife's wonderful chocolate chip cookies."

After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?

The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.

He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.

Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.

He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wife's love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.

He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.

His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, "Oh no you don't, THOSE are for the funeral!"

11-25-03, 06:13 PM
Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

11-25-03, 06:14 PM
Choice of Hymns

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river. The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall we gather at the river?"

11-25-03, 06:15 PM
Choosing a School

When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

11-25-03, 06:16 PM
Chow Time

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

11-25-03, 06:16 PM
Christmas Angel

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really angry. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do??"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. "Yo, Santa", he says, "Where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year????"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.....

Phantom Blooper
11-25-03, 06:38 PM
Leroy, The Redneck Reindeer

Well, you've all heard about Rudolph and his nose,
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale that never has been told.
Well, you may think you've heard it all but you ain't heard yet.
About that crazy Christmas that the North pole can't forget.

Rudolph was under the weather, he had to call in sick.
So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy, who lived out in the sticks.
He said: "Santa's really counting on me and I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said "Hey I'm on my way," and he jumped in his pick-up truck.

When Leroy got to the North Pole all the reindeer snickered and laughed.
They'd never seen a deer in overalls and a John Deere Tractor hat.
But Santa stepped in and said: "Just calm down cause we've all got a job to do.
"And like it or not, Leroy's in charge, and he's gonna be leading you."

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

Before that night was over, Leroy had changed their tune.
He had them scootin' a hoof on every single roof, by the light of a neon moon.
Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie flag, he was having the time of his life.
And you can hear him call Merry Christmas y'all, and to all of y'all a good night.

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

11-26-03, 07:03 AM
Christmas Dinner

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

11-26-03, 07:04 AM
Chronic Pain

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

11-26-03, 07:04 AM
Christmas Eve in Brooklyn

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"

11-26-03, 07:05 AM
Church Bulletins

Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

* Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

* Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be takento defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

11-26-03, 07:05 AM
A Christmas Pun

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there.

One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark.

"Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!"

Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do.

(please scroll down)


(here it comes)

He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

(You may groan now!)

11-26-03, 07:06 AM
Church Cookies

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon." One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

11-26-03, 07:07 AM
Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

11-26-03, 07:07 AM
Church Council

A man was in the hospital recovering from a bypass operation. A member of his Church's Council came to visit & said that he brought greetings from the entire Council and their wishes that he should recover soon and live a long and healthy life.

The man thanked him and said that was very nice.

He was somewhat taken aback when the visitor said, "It's more than 'nice'. It was an official resolution... passed by a vote of 14 to 7".

11-26-03, 07:08 AM
Circulatory Exam

An elderly fellow was taken to the hospital for an examination of his circulatory system. When he got home, his wife asked what had happened.

He said, "They worked this gadget into my artery and up into my heart, and then they sucked out thirty years of chocolate cake."

11-26-03, 07:08 AM
Church Elders

A pastor wanted to find out how the children were coming along in their Bible classes. So he visited one of them to ask the children a few Bible related questions. "Billy, tell me who tore down the walls of Jericho?" asked the pastor. Billy replied very seriously, "Pastor, I don't know who did it, but I sure do know I didn't do it!"

The pastor left the room stunned. It troubled him so much that he decided to tell one of his best elders what Billy said. The elder thought for a moment and said, "Well, pastor, let me tell you. I know the boy and his family real well. If he said he didn't tear it down, you can be assured he didn't do it. I say we forget the whole thing and use the money in the miscellaneous fund to rebuild it."

11-26-03, 07:21 PM
This is fun. If you move the mouse around the dog will follow it and if you just leave the mouse still he will walk over to it and grab it then you will have to move the mouse back and forth fast like to get him to let go.

Try it.. LOL.


11-26-03, 07:22 PM
Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the collection plate.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and people begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to be there for the whole service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

11-26-03, 07:22 PM
City Slicker

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

11-26-03, 07:23 PM
Church Visitor

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

11-26-03, 07:24 PM
"Clash of the Titanic"
by Eric D. Snider
Published in The Daily Universe on February 9, 1998

Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.

I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.

As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.

(Scene 1)
Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.
Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
Thank you. So are you.
I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
* * *

(Scene 2)

I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course you will have to take off all your clothes.
But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
* * *

(Scene 3)

Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
(hits boat)
That can't be good.
Bottoms up!
That was irony, you fools.
Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
* * *

(Scene 4)

I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
That is terrible.
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
Excuse me, I --
Boo! Boo!
(aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
Why don't you just shoot me?
Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--
Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
He's right, though. I am doomed.
Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
I hate you people.
* * *

(Scene 5)

And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was -- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

11-26-03, 07:25 PM
Class Action Lawsuit

New York law firm Zwerling Scacheter & Zwerling must have been drooling when they won a class action lawsuit against Renaissance Cruises Inc. of Fort Lauderdale, Florida on the claim that Renaissance charged too much for port fees and thus won a $2.9 million judgement against them. The way the award split was to happen was that the law firm would get $1.4 million in legal fees, paid in U.S. cold hard currency, while the remaining $1.5 million would be divided among the 80,000 or so plaintiffs as $10 or $60 travel vouchers good only on very expensive future cruise bookings with Renaissance.

Enter Broward County Florida Circuit Judge Robert Lance Andrews who was livid as he attacked the plaintiffs' attorneys for greediness in launching what he called a "ridiculous class action" and for belittling the public service they claimed to have provided. He was incensed because the travel vouchers are essentially worthless but they made sure to get cash for themselves.

So what did Judge Andrews do?

He slashed the legal fees from $1.4 million to $294,000. But wait! There's more!

He felt that since the attorneys thought travel vouchers were adequate compensation for the 80,000 plaintiffs, he ruled that a quarter of the $294,000 was to be paid to the attorneys in the very same $10 and $60 travel vouchers they had won for the plaintiffs.

Reported at Overlawyered.Com 15-Mar-01

(In the Evil Parallel Universe, evil sometimes loses.}

11-26-03, 07:25 PM
Classified Ads

Real-Life Classified Ads
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for

11-26-03, 07:26 PM

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

11-26-03, 07:26 PM
Clever Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Phantom Blooper
11-26-03, 09:40 PM
Why Muslims Commit Suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now... No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No Hooters, No Home Depot, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No beer.

No gumbo, No jambalaya.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.

More than one wife.

No beer.

More than one mother-in-law.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Phantom Blooper
11-26-03, 10:34 PM
A squad of Marines was driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.
They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a
similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.
As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had
happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway.
Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable a** hole, and he
yelled back: 'Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton are miserable a**

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Phantom Blooper
11-27-03, 06:15 AM
3 Things to do this Thanksgiving... 1. During the middle of the meal, turn to Mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing." 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

11-27-03, 09:29 AM

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.

"What are those used for?" he asked. St. Peter said, "There's one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives."

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds," he asked. St. Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up."

The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for Bill Clinton?"

St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the back room. We use it for a ceiling fan."


11-27-03, 09:29 AM
The Pitfalls of Cloning

There was a wealthy business man who thought so much of himself that, in light of the recent news about the sheep cloning, decided to have himself cloned. Unfortunately, the clone did not have this man's personality and was, in fact, incredibly vulgar. Not being able to tell them apart, people began to react terribly to the original man because the clone was so awful. Finally, the man couldn't stand it anymore. He took the clone and pushed him off a cliff but there were witnesses and he was immediately arrested for "making an obscene clone fall."


11-27-03, 09:30 AM
The Clown

A guy went to a very exclusive restaurant dressed in a clown suit. The whole regalia. Big floppy shoes, a red ball on his nose, Bozo-type hair, the whole schtick.

The Maitre D' said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you in dressed like that. Our dress code is very strict. Gentlemen must wear a jacket and a tie."

The guy said, "Please, sir, let me explain. I am a prominent business man in town here. My name is Rich Bigbucks. I am the Chief Executive Officer of Greed, Inc. I am dressed like this because I was one of the volunteers that went to the Children's Hospital today to help cheer up the sick and injured children. We do this every month or so."

The Maitre D' said, "Well, sir, it is highly irregular. But having listened to the circumstances, I will let you in. But a warning! Don't try anything funny!"

11-27-03, 09:31 AM
Clueless Passenger

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"


11-27-03, 09:32 AM
C-Nile Virus

Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950.

Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.

3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the E-mail from the person who sent it to you.

6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

11-27-03, 09:33 AM
Coast Guard Cook

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.


11-27-03, 09:33 AM

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.

The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

11-27-03, 09:33 AM
Coffee for Grandmother

Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.

She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she did not let on.

When she finally finished her coffee she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup.

She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

(For those not familiar with American television, one of the commercial "jingles" for Folgers brand coffee is "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.")

11-27-03, 09:34 AM
Coin Toss

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

11-27-03, 09:35 AM
Cold Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

11-27-03, 09:35 AM
Collection Case

A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply:

Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim."

11-28-03, 07:12 AM
College Entrance Exam - Essay


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening-wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

11-28-03, 07:13 AM
College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The U.C.B. tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify


The Coach

11-28-03, 07:13 AM
A Coke, Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way, e.g. "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Mr. Pibb, Fanta ,YooHoo and Red Bull."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar lad at a movie theatre for a "dark, cold, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Yes sir, and would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

11-28-03, 07:14 AM
College Funds

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

11-28-03, 07:14 AM
Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

11-28-03, 07:15 AM
College News

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

11-28-03, 07:15 AM
Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.

3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

11-28-03, 07:16 AM
College Students and Thanksgiving

The Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward
To Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays:

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell ... okay, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall ... in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here ..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age ..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

And, the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving...

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

11-28-03, 07:17 AM
Commuting Hazards

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

11-28-03, 07:17 AM
Company Benefits

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

11-28-03, 07:18 AM
The Company Car

1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.

2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private

3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private

4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to
be checked.

5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.

6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.

7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light

8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend
loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated
by turning up the radio.

11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game
reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer

13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and
fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Phantom Blooper
11-28-03, 02:07 PM
> One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
> Finally, he
> decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up
> anyway;
> it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
> He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
> grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first,
> the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
> everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the
> farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he
> saw.
> With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
> something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the
> farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
> would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was
> amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily
> trotted off!
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each
> of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
> wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
> step up.
> Remember these five simple rules to be happy:
> 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
> 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
> 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
> 4. Give more.
> 5. Expect less
> NOW -------- Enough of that crap !!!!!!!!
> The donkey later came back and bit the the farmer who had tried to
> bury
> him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually
> died
> in agony from septic shock.
> When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always
> comes
> back to bite you.

Phantom Blooper
11-28-03, 02:09 PM
> A very old couple who have been married forever are sitting on the
> porch one
> night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband,
> knocking
> him off the porch and into the bushes.
> He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"
> She says, "For having a little pecker."
> He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the
> other side of the
> porch and into the bushes.
> She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"
> He says, "For knowing there was more than one size.


11-28-03, 07:40 PM
Company for Dinner

My wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

11-28-03, 07:40 PM
Company Motivational Posters

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters.....

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
(We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it
by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then
you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work!
We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) Plagiarism saves time.
18) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
19) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
20) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted
12 years
21) Never quit until you have another job.
22) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11-28-03, 07:41 PM
The Company Picnic

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"


11-28-03, 07:42 PM

Chuck Rogers, a self employed marketing consultant who works alone from home decided last week to hold a company picnic. Although Rogers invited all of his company's employees and there was a 100% turnout, the picnic was not successful. Said Rogers, "This is not what I expected. I bought lots of food and had planned many games including volleyball, badminton, and a three legged race. About the only game I've been able to play today is solitaire. I don't understand what went wrong."

Mia Culpa, Roger's business coach and psychologist, warned against the picnic. Culpa told BNN, "Chuck has a very fragile self-esteem. The only reason his company has been successful is because of my guidance. I told him that the picnic would bomb. He didn't listen to me. Now it's going to take months of therapy to undo the damage to his self-esteem."

11-28-03, 07:42 PM
Company Slogans

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"

And John answered, "Mom."

11-28-03, 07:43 PM
Compassionate Lawyers

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities."

11-28-03, 07:44 PM
Computers, as Depicted in the Movies

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

11-29-03, 06:56 AM
Computer Chickens

In the computer world, how does a chicken cross the road?

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought
the road.

Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side.
(Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps
on running.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other
side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides
of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

11-29-03, 06:56 AM
Computer Class

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and the computer went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me! That hurts!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

11-29-03, 06:57 AM
Computer Gender

A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

11-29-03, 06:58 AM
Computer Help

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

11-29-03, 06:58 AM
Computer Skills

When I decided to improve my computer skills, I threw myself into it with enthusiasm. Every week I'd check out five or six instructional books from the library.

After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable by now."

"Thanks," I said. "How can you tell?"

The librarian explained, "Only two of the books you're checking out this week have For Dummies in their titles."


11-29-03, 06:59 AM
New Computer Languages

APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG... these programming languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the following catalogue.


This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In general, the language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.


Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training). DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits as it travels across the screen.


FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its user. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP, LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED. The GUTTER dialect is a particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.


This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "I hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?"


This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH." LITHP is said to be useful prothething litht.


Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.


Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions. SATRE programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.


SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College for Technological Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.


SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler. Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.


From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR - SURE loops.

Here is a sample program:




VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:


11-29-03, 06:59 AM
Computer Processor Breakthrough

A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the representatives of the growing population of female computer engineers in the former Soviet Republics.

This new revolutionary processor is based on female logic and utilizes the following four values for logical operators:

0) neither YES nor NO
1) YES or NO
2) NO three times
3) NO and never mention it to me again!

11-29-03, 07:00 AM
Computer Service Form


1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________________ ________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately:

__________________________________________________ _________

__________________________________________________ _________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________________ _______________

__________________________________________________ _______________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

__________________________________________________ _______________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?


16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the
problem occurred?

__________________________________________________ _______________

17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________________ _______________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

__________________________________________________ _______________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

__________________________________________________ _______________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

11-29-03, 07:00 AM
Computers Shouldn't Smoke

Eveashan, England.

Joseph Begley saved 2,000 cigarette coupons and mailed them in to a British cigarette company in order to get a watch. When the watch didn't arrive, he wrote and asked why. Back came three watches. Mr. Begley only wanted one so he mailed back the other two. The next day 10 parcels arrived from the cigarette company. The following day 18 parcels arrived. The day after that 10 more parcels came. All were trade-in gifts given by the cigarette company in exchange for coupons Mr. Begley never had. Among the gifts were three tape recorders, a doll, a golf bag, two electric blankets, a cot, saucepans, a pressure cooker, and long-playing records. Mr. Begley wrote a long, pleading letter to the company asking them to stop. In the return mail came a reply saying: "It was a computer error." The company gave Mr. Begley 10,000 coupons in compensation for his troubles. With these Mr. Begley ordered some tools and a bedspread. He received a plant stand and two stepladders.

11-29-03, 07:01 AM
Computer Store

Overheard at a computer store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his Father to play, too."

11-29-03, 07:02 AM

A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house and found his mom in bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned. Mom replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn't feel too well. The son replied, "Well, don't worry a bit about dinner. I'll be happy to carry you down to the stove."

11-29-03, 04:51 PM
Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself.

As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

11-29-03, 04:52 PM
Confidential Memo

Authentic messages compiled by Leonard B. Stern and Diane L. Robison


To L.S. Unfortunately, we are forced to put your program on hiatus.
It has elements of quality for which we can't find an audience.


Is it possible to improve the caliber of writing without doing a
disservice to the show's popularity and excellent demographics?


I think you're making a mistake having so many French involved in the
production of Les Miserables.


Please consider changing Norton's occupation. You can't expect people
to watch a sewer worker while they're having dinner.


TO: The Producers
FROM: V.P. Current Programming
RE: The Fred Astaire Special.
Too much dancing.


On page 39, we can hear, but do not see, pigeon droppings.


Please disregard the notes we were unable to send you.


Remember, our lead is an Indian. In the scenes in which he runs
through the streets and across Central Park, make sure he runs
appropriate to an Indian.


To all concerned: From now on, eliminate Roman numerals on any cue
cards. Undoubtedly, this is why the line was read "And now, a few
nostalgic songs from World War Eleven.".


How committed are you to this Oscar Wilde fellow? If you want him to
do the first draft, it's all right with me.


Regarding your inquiry as to my reaction to the script. I don't know.
I'm the only one who has read it.


This draft doesn't work. Unfortunately, the script is strikingly similar
to the material from which it was adapted.


Try to get writers who have never written before.


The license fee for the use of "Happy Birthday" is prohibitively
expensive. Could Ralph celebrate Alice's birthday by singing
"For He's A Jolly Good WOMAN"??


We must de-emphasize violence this season.
Make the room red so the blood won't show.


Please clear the use of the name Princess Diana with her or her


To: Robert Guenette
From: VP, Development
Re: A documentary about the American Indian Family.
I'd love to do such a picture but, as we both know, not enough Indians
have TV sets.


Do you have to show the dailies every day?


The celery may be construed as phallic. Use broccoli.


In the upcoming episode, please eliminate any unflattering reference
to the Teamsters. We've yet to finish our negotiations with them.


To whom it may concern:
Contrary to the Producers Guild of America's position on gray listing,
we do not practice age discrimination. Many of our writers are in their
late thirties.


11-29-03, 04:52 PM
Congressional Mugging

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

11-29-03, 04:53 PM
Considerate Spouse

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my construction job and took "early retirement" in January, it became necessary for Betsy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits (?) that we needed. She was a medical assistant when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job in a couple of Doctor's offices. It was shortly after she started working at these jobs that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Betsy used to be able to go up and down stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. If I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday or Saturday poker club or to Tuesday and Thursday golf or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Betsy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize its just age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I even offer to have one with her, as she may as well make one for me too, and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know I probably look like a saint in the way I support Betsy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I how frustrating women can become, as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest you make the effort. Achieving the exemplary level of consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

11-29-03, 04:54 PM
Contacting Grandma

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandma?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

11-29-03, 04:54 PM

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."


11-29-03, 04:55 PM
A Cook's Dictionary

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).

Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.

11-29-03, 04:56 PM
Cookie Monster

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."

11-30-03, 09:15 AM
Cooking Class

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?", I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

11-30-03, 09:15 AM
Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.

Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.

Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."

11-30-03, 09:16 AM
Cooking Terms

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

11-30-03, 09:17 AM
Convent Closing

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health.

By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.

It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

11-30-03, 09:17 AM
Cops and Robbers

Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day".

11-30-03, 09:18 AM
Copyright Explained

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.


11-30-03, 09:18 AM
Corporate Images

Ever notice a theme in company names?

If it's a single somewhat aristocratic sounding name such as "Bogglesworth of London, Est. 1793", they're most likely a tea, coffee, or wine importer.

If it's two names, such as Gilchrist & Soames or Avalon & Gray, they seem to deal with soap, skin care, or clothing products.

If it's three names, it's an insurance firm or small law firm.

If it's four names, it's an upper tier law firm.

If it's five names, it's a small law firm that's merged with a soap company.

11-30-03, 09:19 AM
Correct Punctuation

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

11-30-03, 09:20 AM

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

11-30-03, 09:20 AM
Court Transcripts

Humorous Court Transcripts:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
************************************************** ***************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
************************************************** **************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
************************************************** ***************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
************************************************** ***************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
************************************************** ***************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
************************************************** ***************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
************************************************** ***************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
************************************************** ***************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
************************************************** ***************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information from your minds, if you have any.
************************************************** ***************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
************************************************** ***************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
************************************************** ***************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
************************************************** ***************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
************************************************** ***************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
************************************************** ***************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
************************************************** ***************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
************************************************** *************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
************************************************** *************
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofa*****--and she did!
************************************************** *********
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
************************************************** *********
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
************************************************** *********
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
************************************************** *********
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased,objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the
whole ordeal?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
************************************************** *********
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
************************************************** *********
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
************************************************** *********
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
************************************************** *********

11-30-03, 09:21 AM
Court's Adjourned

The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" the lawyer yelled at the judge. The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!" Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented. That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now." The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."

11-30-03, 09:21 AM

Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.

Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Pure Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Communism -- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism -- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy -- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Programmers-Trying-to-Meet-Year-2000-Deadline -- You have two cows. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead.

11-30-03, 08:28 PM
The Cowboy and the Preacher

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

11-30-03, 08:29 PM
Cowboy's New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "The boy's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Nah... not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ole boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Sure enough, Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

(You can groan now!)

11-30-03, 08:29 PM
Cowboy Wannabe

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

11-30-03, 08:30 PM
Crank It Up

As the sole systems engineer for a Midwestern storm prediction center, this fellow has his hands full.

But when there's a problem at a remote site on a college campus six miles away, he's the one who has to make the 15-minute drive to see what's wrong.

"This site collects needed weather satellite data and sends the data via private network to our main facility," says the systems engineer.

"One day, the operations folks indicate they're no longer getting the required data, and a quick check indicates that the computers and network equipment are not available on the far end."

So he hops in his car and drives over. When he gets there, everything in the equipment closet is working fine. He calls the operations folks, and they say they're getting data again -- it was apparently just a momentary glitch. So he returns to the office.

"About two hours later, it's the same thing," he says. "I get to the remote facility, and everything is working. I return to the office again, only to repeat the trip two hours later."

After the third trip, he doesn't wait two hours; he goes back to the remote site after an hour.

"As I approach the equipment room, I hear a radio turned up very loud," says the engineer. "I walk in to find our equipment rack unplugged, the UPS beeping and flashing away, and a radio where our rack was plugged in -- and a maintenance crew of about six working on some new air conditioning ductwork."

He unplugs the radio and asks the maintenance crew foreman if he had any idea what he had disconnected.

"No," says foreman.

"Why do you keep unplugging it every two hours?"

"We're a union shop," foreman tells him. "We take a break every two hours."

"But didn't you think there was a problem when the rack started beeping when you unplugged it?" the frustrated engineer persists.

"Sure," shrugs foreman. "But turning up the radio helped."

11-30-03, 08:31 PM

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I ain't got no crayons."

"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

11-30-03, 08:32 PM

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"

11-30-03, 08:32 PM
Creative Problem Solving

There are SEVERAL ways to solve a problem. For example, consider the following from "The Teaching of Elementary Science and Mathematics" by Alexander Calandra:

The process of creativity is a mysterious and interesting one. It is brilliantly described in the following story. A student refused to parrot back what he had been taught in class. When the student protested, I was asked to act as arbiter between the student and his professor.

I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: 'Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.'

The student had answered: 'Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.'

A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I gave the student six minutes, with the warning that his answer should show some knowledge of physics. In the next minute he dashed off his answer, which read: 'Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula S = {frac 1/2}a{sp 8}t(2), calculate the height of the building.'

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.

In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

'Oh, yes. There are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the height of the building.'

Fine, I said. And the others?

'Yes. Take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method.'

'Finally, there are many other ways of solving the problem. Proably not the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: "Mr. Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you this barometer".'

11-30-03, 08:33 PM

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors: "Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did."

12-01-03, 06:44 AM

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

12-01-03, 06:44 AM
Cruise Questions

Top Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers
(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)

10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them
the next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,
how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

12-01-03, 06:45 AM

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

12-01-03, 06:46 AM

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

12-01-03, 06:46 AM
Customer Service Rep

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in
with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble
convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the
AUTOEXEC.BAT that would take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this

Customer: I know there is something I can put in... some command ...
maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is
a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use.
I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line
as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It's still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a
patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last
of this guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get
a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done, and
how much it will cost....

12-01-03, 06:47 AM
Customs Inspection

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

12-01-03, 06:47 AM
Cutting Class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

12-01-03, 06:48 AM
Cyclic Number

Not really a joke ... just a tiny bit of math fun.

142857 is a cyclic number - its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:

142857 x 1 = 142857
142857 x 2 = 285714
142857 x 3 = 428571
142857 x 4 = 571428
142857 x 5 = 714285
142857 x 6 = 857142

Pretty cool, huh? Now multiply 142857 by 7.

12-01-03, 06:49 AM

On a small country road, a cyclist was was rolling happily on his brand new high-tech race machine. Local rednecks have been following him in their pick-up for a few hundred meters, and decided to scare the hell out of the cyclist. So they passed him real fast and also real close to try to send him into the ditch. They all laughed as they watched the white-faced cyclist by the pick-up's rear window. But to their surprise, the cyclist began to gain speed on them and passed them on the right like a bullet.

Standing the gas pedal, the pick-up passed the cyclist again real close while the passengers were doing some impolite gestures but as before, the cyclist quickly gained on the truck and passed him on the right again. Going down a hill, the redneck slammed the gearbox into fifth gear and passed the cyclist at around 100 miles per hour. This time, the cyclist passed the truck again so fast that he flew off the road.

The rednecks stopped their truck and found the cyclist lying in the middle of a field. They picked up the cyclist and asked him what kind of bicycle he was using.

"Never mind" replied the cyclist, "I'm just glad we stopped. My suspenders were caught on your rearview mirror...!"

12-01-03, 10:53 AM

This day is coming..................

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash! , Sir. Y our credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What the..?"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 You were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer:( Speechless)

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!

12-01-03, 10:53 AM

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball
> right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground.
> As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
> He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
> week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."
> The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have
> to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
> It should be okay next week."
> So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
> 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive
> work of art.
> The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their
> honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to
> reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
> She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
> Next she takes off her panties and says, "You're the first, no one has
> ever touched me here."
> Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and
> Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."

12-01-03, 10:55 AM
Dad's Words of Wisdom

For all the fathers out there, how many of these have you said?

Don't ask me, ask your mother. Were you raised in a barn? Close the door. You didn't beat me. I let you win. Big boys don't cry. Don't worry. It's only blood. Don't you know any normal boys? Now you listen to ME, Buster! I'll play catch after I read the paper. Coffee will stunt your growth. A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.. Get your elbows off the table. I told you, keep your eye on the ball. Who said life was supposed to be fair. Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more. If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world. You call that a haircut? "Hey" is for horses. This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. Turn off those lights. Do you think I am made of money? Don't give me any of your lip, young lady. You call that noise "music"? We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are. No, we're not there yet. Shake it off. It's only pain. When I was your age , I treated MY father with respect. As long as you live under my roof, you' ll live by my rules. I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why. Do what I say, not what I do. Sit up straight! So you think you're smart, do you? What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face. Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. C'mon, you throw like a girl. You want something to do? I'll give you something to do. You should visit more often. Your mother worries. This is your last warning. Your mother worries. I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel. What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off? I'm not just talking to hear my own voice! Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. What do you think I am, a bank? What part of NO don't you understand? I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody elses father! You're not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think? Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady! Worrying about things you can't change is like a rocking chair... it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing. I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here. If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough. Didn't your teacher learn you anything?! You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy. It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad. I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying. Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along. Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first. Hey, did you hear me talking to you? You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl. I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes. Don't use that tone with me! Am I talking to a brick wall? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... Act your age. Two wrongs do not make a right. Wipe your feet! Enough is enough! Don't make me stop the car! What did I just get finished telling you?

12-01-03, 10:55 AM
Dangerous Criminal

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

12-01-03, 11:51 PM
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the
first pen and there was a sign that said, This bull mated
50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year." The
wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him." They
walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The
husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." The husband's condition
has been reduced from critical to stable and he
should make a full recovery.

12-01-03, 11:52 PM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the

testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband

didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I

was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I

looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm

just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the

boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my

sister has never let me forget.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him

constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between

errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my

taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not

asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he

said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and

I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE

you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must

have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I

asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he

jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and

yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death

on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An

old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd

ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get

any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was

supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and


"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only

did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were

laughing so hard!

12-01-03, 11:53 PM
Dangerous Dog?

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

12-01-03, 11:54 PM
Dangerous Nursery Rhyme


Have you ever stopped to think about the impact that nursery rhymes have on our society? The Americans for Responsible Nursery Rhymes (ARNR) would like you to begin doing just that.

The ARNR has released a statement claiming that the 'This Little Piggy' nursery rhyme is a dangerous threat to fairness and justice in our country. ARNR spokeswoman, Nana Marrs, is calling on parents and pre-schools to stop teaching this rhyme to children. Said Marrs, "The 'This Little Piggy' nursery rhyme teaches children to turn a blind eye to the poor and needy of our society. It also reinforces the conservative view that the lower class should have to work rather than receive help and welfare from the government."

Marrs then supported her claims by examining the rhyme verse by verse. Said Marrs, "The rhyme begins by saying, "This little piggy went to market." This is obviously a cruel-hearted capitalist pig.

The next verse says, "This little piggy stayed home." There is only one reason why that piggy was not at the market with the first piggy and that is because the Republicans cut off her food stamps.

It continues by saying, "This little piggy had roast beef." Only a rich insensitive pig would ever eat roast beef when the average piggy cannot afford such an expensive meal.

"This little piggy had none." This verse paints a picture of a poor, hungry piggy who would be eating a warm meal if it weren't for welfare reform.

The rhyme ends by saying, 'And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.' This little piggy apparently doesn't care about the suffering of other piggies. If he cared then he wouldn't be having such a good time."

Marrs ended her statement by challenging parents and pre-school teachers to stop teaching this horrible and destructive rhyme.

12-01-03, 11:55 PM
The Dangers of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice .....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

12-02-03, 08:15 AM
Dangers of Technology

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in:
"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

12-02-03, 08:16 AM
Darwin Award 1

A little background, for those of you who don't know, is that each year a 'Darwin Award' is given to an individual who has done the gene pool the biggest favor by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way. Last year the award was given to a man crushed to death by a coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. Now...our story titled:


The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car, make and model unidentifiable at the scene.

A lab figured out the story. It seems that the driver had somehow gotten a hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push when taking off from short airfields and is nothing less than a solid fuel rocket.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The police calculated that the driver of the car accomplished several things:

*Hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 4 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there.

*Reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver--soon to be pilot--most likely experienced G-Forces reserved for dog-fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburners. Basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

*Remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20sec.) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing all four tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

*Became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. and leaving a black crater 3 ft. deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. The cops even extended their search looking for a personalized plate with "Wile E. Coyote" on it. I'll bet the words "Bad Idea" were among the first--and last-- to pass through this guys mind right after firing the JATO unit.

12-02-03, 08:16 AM
Darwin Award 2

Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.

He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.

A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."


12-02-03, 08:17 AM
Darwin Award 3

Here's a great candidate for the next Darwin Awards...

Michigan, USA.

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30-some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately finds his friend and they decide go duck hunting. However, all the lakes in their area are frozen.

They travel to the lake with their guns, their hunting dog, their beer and the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than a ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two men do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. The dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite (with the burning 40 second fuse) at about the same time it hits the ice, all to the woes of the two men yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog happily heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the men, now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before. Now one of the guys decides to think, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these men have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30-some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sitting on the lake ice.


Dog dies instantly and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30-some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the men standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

12-02-03, 08:18 AM
Dating Again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

12-02-03, 08:18 AM
Dating Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

12-02-03, 08:19 AM
Dating My Daughter

The Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
By W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1998

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

"So," I’ll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don’t you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

12-02-03, 08:19 AM
Dating Service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

12-02-03, 08:21 AM
A Day at the Races

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Phantom Blooper
12-02-03, 02:21 PM
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you
took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him

what his name is.
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took
when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20
minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

12-02-03, 08:30 PM
A Day in Court

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Could you identify them?"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

12-02-03, 08:31 PM
A Day in Court 2

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

12-02-03, 08:32 PM
DC Cabs

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now."

12-02-03, 08:32 PM
Dead Artists

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

12-02-03, 08:33 PM
A Dead Horse

Originally written as a "Reflection on Business Today", but I think it is certainly appropriate to substitute the word "government" for "business".)

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

12-02-03, 08:34 PM
Dead Men Read No Mail

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly.
The Phoenix Branch

Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly.
Scott Hanson

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage.
Your Insurance Agent

Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way.
Your Psychic Reader

Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call your 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally.
Scott Hanson
P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs.
Your Bank's San Diego District Office

Dear San Diego District Office,
I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath.
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.
Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once.
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence.

Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective.

Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office there.

Phantom Blooper
12-03-03, 06:15 AM
A lady was working in the kitchen when she heard her 6-year old son call for her. "Mommy, Mommy!" he called. "Do you know that beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", she said. "What about it?" "Well, the last generation just dropped it."

12-03-03, 07:02 AM
Dear Bank Manager ...

Dear Bank Manager,

l am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my bath room in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored chek, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

12-03-03, 07:02 AM
Dear Mr. Jefferson

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

We have read your 'Declaration of Independence' with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase 'the Laws of Nature and Nature's God.' What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the 'opinions of mankind.' Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the 'opinions of mankind' are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be 'self-evident.' Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. 'Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that 'among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,' these could be measureable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that 'Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government....' Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies 'ought to be Free and Independent States,' and that they are 'Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.' Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your stategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constite the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assesment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your 'Declaration of Independence.' We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Management Analyst to the British Crown

12-03-03, 07:03 AM
Dear Pastor .....

Letters to a pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could
you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age
10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age
10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough
rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

12-03-03, 07:04 AM
Death Bed

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."

12-03-03, 07:04 AM
"Deep Thoughts" by Kids

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" was a favorite on the Saturday Night Live TV show. My personal favorite was "A day without sunshine is like night." Well, a newspaper (don't know which one) ran a contest where entrants, age 4 to 15, were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy." Here they are:

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

12-03-03, 07:05 AM
A Deep Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

12-03-03, 07:05 AM
Defensive Driving Course

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

12-03-03, 07:07 AM
Deflated Ego

I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually- impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it very difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford." Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

12-03-03, 07:07 AM
Demanding Customer

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Phantom Blooper
12-03-03, 06:49 PM
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked
the bartender...

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and
C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and
T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a
15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" :banana:

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:37 AM
Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash oc colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:38 AM
How Do I Love Thee?

The cardiologist - "With all my heart"

The marathon runner - "All the way"

The native american - "Without reservation"

The contortionist - "Head over heels"

The psychiatrist - "Unshrinkingly"

The weight watcher - "Through thick and thin"

The auto mechanic - "Tirelessly"

The elephant trainer - "Roguishly"

The mink farmer - "Furtively"

The clothes designer - "In my fashion"

The pig farmer - "Whole hog"

The minister - "Through hell and high water"

12-04-03, 07:39 AM
Dental Bill

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

12-04-03, 07:40 AM
Dental Work

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

12-04-03, 07:40 AM
Dentist and Patient

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient - "How much will this cost?"

Dentist - "It`ll be $100."

Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

12-04-03, 07:41 AM
Department Baseball

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing department and the support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:41 AM
Your Church Might be a Redneck Church If...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play it.

People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ make all the dogs asleep on the church floor begin to howl.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

12-04-03, 07:41 AM

A man walks into the doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"Whats the matter with me?", he asked.

"You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.

12-04-03, 07:42 AM
Diagnosis - 2

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


12-04-03, 07:42 AM

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:43 AM
Rejoinders R Us

1. You - Off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense; I'm just terribly, terribly alert.

12-04-03, 07:43 AM
Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%&*!! slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

12-04-03, 07:44 AM
Dictionary of Project Terms

Major Technological Breakthrough
-- Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research
-- It was discovered by accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
-- We are working on something else.

The designs are well within allowable limits
-- We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured
-- We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy
to get anything at all from us.

Close project coordination
-- We should have asked someone else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
-- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried
-- We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Test results were extremely gratifying
-- It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to
the problem
-- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around
for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
-- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned
-- The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
-- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:44 AM
The ABCs of Aging:

A is for arthritis,

B is for bad back,

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight-- can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention.

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches).

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches, and lots of incisions.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex.

L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!

K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my...

M-memory from time to time).

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis.

O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack

P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune.

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!

R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!

T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near.

U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)

V is for vertigo, as life spins by

W is worry, for pains yet found

X is for X ray--and what one might find.

Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so,

Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

:banana: :banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:53 AM
Rules For City Folk When Visiting Alabama:

That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your ass kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Pick an Interstate, and skedaddle

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:55 AM
A Woman's Random Thoughts

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 07:57 AM
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is bad and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"

Phantom Blooper
12-04-03, 02:50 PM
Flying Humor

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall Fear No Evil ... For
I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul
F.Crickmore -test pilot)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II. When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard
down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a
good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all
three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi.