Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Air Show

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."

[thedrifter]

Aircraft Operating Regulations, 1920


Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.

20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

[thedrifter]

Airline Quickies


Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. "

[Phantom Blooper]

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a TennesseeMountainman, was drafted
by
the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That
afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army
barber
sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.... The Army is still looking
for him

[thedrifter]

Mad Killers or Computer Nerds?????


Take the test and see if you know your Killers

from the Nerds ,you will be scored ,





http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

[thedrifter]

Airline Safety Talk

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

[thedrifter]

Airline Shuffle


During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

[thedrifter]

Airplane Repair Logs

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.

[thedrifter]

Alcohol


A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

[thedrifter]

Algorisms (Al-Gore-isms)

Remember all the flack that Dan Quayle got over some of the things he said while he was Vice President? (potato vs potatoe, for example)

It appears that the current Vice President also has a talent for providing us with much fun and entertainment (although I don't remember the media making much of a fuss when Al Gore mis-spoke).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldsson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

[thedrifter]

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives
steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest
and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department
directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport
with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand
how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in
failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist
snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.

Marines: kills snake. Continues original mission.

[thedrifter]

"Black and White Poem"
(Under age 40? You might not understand)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys;
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too;
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white,
Everything always turned out right;
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen;
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept;
They never cussed or broke their vows,
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be,
In a TV town in '53;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight;
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!

[thedrifter]

Furniture Business

The retired Marine officer had been out of military service for several years.
He had established a furniture store in in home town and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture back home to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark.

She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant.

They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Marine took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

To this day the Marine officer is still wondering how she knew he was in the furniture business!

[thedrifter]

Alien Transmission


Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

[thedrifter]

Allergies

A True Story)

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exame room and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic to anything" my four year old son stood up and said " YES, I'm allergic to shots!"

[thedrifter]

Alligators


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

All-Purpose Apology Form

Dear

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,


(your name here)

[thedrifter]

All Trick And No Treat


As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company.

"The place was perfect," the consultant says. "It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse."

Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill.

"Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to 'biowarfare,' the office is unusable for the foreseeable future," he says. "Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country."

An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery.

"Where's our secondary site?" the company CIO chokes out.

"The site was sold two months ago," workers tell him. "We're just finishing the leveling."

"What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?" asks the CIO.

"It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot," the crew's foreman says.

After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out.

"A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site," says the consultant.

Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled.

The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property.

That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.

[thedrifter]

A Lot of Good.....


Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

[thedrifter]

The Altruistic Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.


A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the
barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

[thedrifter]

The Amateur Photographer

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

[thedrifter]

Announcement from the Pulpit


The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

[thedrifter]

Ancient Artifact?

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

The Ancient Castle


A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

[Phantom Blooper]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America? (especially appropriate today)

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been

[thedrifter]

And God Created.....

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said, "Yea," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10-20 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to get up to change the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created the 99-cent cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeah! And super size 'em." And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[thedrifter]

Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

[thedrifter]

Announcement from the Pulpit

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

[Phantom Blooper]

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a mother wearily arrived at the air base with my eight kids -- all under age 11. Collecting the many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief and said "Ma'am, do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," the mother said with a sigh, "they're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

[thedrifter]

'Da' Hinge and the Teapot


Boudreaux was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
> hinge,so
> > > he
> > > > > sent his wife, Marie, to the store.
> > > > >
> > > > > At the general store, Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf
as
> > she
> > > > was
> > > > > waiting for Gaston to finish waiting on a customer. When
Gaston
> > finally
> > > > > waited on Marie, she asked how much for the teapot?
> > > > >
> > > > > Gaston replied "Dat is silva, and it cost 100 dollar!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "My goodeness, dat's a lot of money!" Marie exclaimed.
> > > > >
> > > > > She then proceeded to described the hinge that Boudreaux had
sent
> her
> > to
> > > > > buy, and Gaston went to the backroom to find the hinge.
> > > > >
> > > > > From the backroom Gaston yelled, "Marie, do you wanta screw
for da
> > > hinge?"
> > > > >
> > > > > To which Marie replied, "No, but I will for da teapot."

[thedrifter]

Annual Physical

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

[thedrifter]

Another Woman


"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

[thedrifter]

Answering Machine

I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

[thedrifter]

Anti-Alcohol Drive in Russia

There is currently an anti-alcohol drive in the USSR.

The streetcar is packed with people. The driver shouts "Red Square." Some people get on and off.

At the next stop the driver shouts "Liquor Store." Some people get on but nobody gets off.

At the next stop the driver shouts "End of the line for the Liquor Store." Everybody gets off.

[thedrifter]

Antiques


The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures. The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. "Do be careful," he cautioned one burly mover. "That vase is nearly two thousand years old."

"Don't worry," the guy replied. "I'll treat it like it was brand new."

[thedrifter]

Antz


The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

[thedrifter]

The Apple


When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up ... "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

[thedrifter]

Applicant-Speak
(What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

[thedrifter]

Are They Cheating?

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.

That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."

[thedrifter]

Are You a Grinch?


This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you for Christmas and for your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
(5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
(5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.
(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
(1 point for each piece of sticky candy)
If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.
(5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
(5 points, 10 if from a cell phone)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.
(5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own .
(Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
(5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.
(20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Are You All Right?


Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

[thedrifter]

Are You Hiring?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Argument


There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

[thedrifter]

Area 51


You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Arizona


YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:

- You've signed so many petitions to reccall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

- You notice your car overheating beforee you drive it.

- You can say Hohokam and people don't tthink you're laughing funny.

- You no longer associate bridges (or riivers) with water.

- You see more irrigation water on the sstreet than there is in the
Salt River.

- You know a swamp cooler is not a happyy hour drink.

- You can say 115 degrees without faintiing.

- You can be in the snow, then drive forr an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.

- You have to go to a fake beach for somme fake waves.

- You discover, in July, that it only taakes two fingers to drive your
car.

- You can make sun tea instantly.

- You run your air conditioner in the miiddle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.

- You notice the best parking place is ddetermined by shade instead of
distance.

- You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

- Hotter water comes from the cold waterr tap than the hot one.

- You can pronounce the words: "Saguaroo", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San
Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
Tlaquepaque".

- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.

- You actually burn your hand opening thhe car door.

- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.

- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.

- No one would dream of putting vinyl uppholstery in a car.

- You can understand the reason for a toown named "Why."

[thedrifter]

At the Movies

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

[thedrifter]

Art Appreciation


A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

[thedrifter]

Art Gallery


Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

[thedrifter]

Art vs Science


There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

[thedrifter]

Ask a Police Officer


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?"

"Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

[thedrifter]

Athletes Speak!


This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron . . .

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wwing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was iineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State baskketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visiited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
-Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the Universsity of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

[thedrifter]

Assistance Please.....

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

[thedrifter]

Astrological Light Bulbs


How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

[thedrifter]

Atlanta, Georgia


A Translation of Atlanta for Visitors

1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."

3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.

4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink.

5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.

6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".

8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".

12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.

14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".

16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be a common theme in almost any major American city).

18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.

20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.

[thedrifter]

Oklahoma State Trooper
> > >
> > > An Oklahoma State Trooper pulled an east-bound car over on I-44
about
> 12
> > miles west of Tulsa. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was
> > speeding, the driver answer that he was a magician and a juggler
and he
> was
> > on his way to Tulsa to do a show that night and didn't want to be
> > late.
> > >
> > > The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and
if the
> > driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him
a
> > ticket.
> > >
> > > The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on
> > ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that
he
had
> > some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could
juggle
> them.
> > The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares,
lit
> them
> > and handed them to the juggler.
> > >
> > > While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the
> > squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he
then
> went
> > over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper
> observed
> > him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and
asked
> the
> > drunk what he thought he was doing.
> > >
> > > The drunk replied, "Might as well haul me off to jail, there's
no
> > way in hell I can pass that test."

[thedrifter]

A FOOTBALL FAIRY TALE


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
> > > > > > > > The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He
> had
> > > > > > > > scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European
> >Leagues,
> > > > > > > > but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl
> win.
> > > > > > > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in
> > > > > > > > Afghanistan.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan
> > > > > > > > Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-
> > > > > > > > grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards
away.
> >KABOOM!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into
a
> >chimney.
> > > > > > > > KA-BLOOEY!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
> BULLS-EYE!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He
has
> the
> > > > > > > > perfect arm!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great
> game
> > > > > > > > of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The
> >young
> > > > > > > > Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and
when the
> >coach
> > > > > > > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to
call
> > > > > > > > his mother.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman
says.
> "You
> > > > > > > > deserted us. You are not my son!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.
> > > > > > > > "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm
here
> > > > > > > > among thousands of my adoring fans."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this
very
> moment,
> > > > > > > > there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a
pile
> of
> > > > > > > > rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their
> > > > > > > > lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house
> so
> > > > > > > > she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then
> tearfully
> > > > > > > > says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to
> > > > > > > Detroit!"
>

[thedrifter]

Election Humor

HILLARY ELECTED PRESIDENT
> Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in
> the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says,
> "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
>
> Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary
says,
"How
> can I best serve my country?"
>
> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
>
> Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.
>
> On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says,
"How
> can I best serve my country?"
>
> Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

[thedrifter]

At the Auction


Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

At the Border


Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."

[thedrifter]

At the Deli Counter


Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.

Kid: Huh?

Me: (pointing) This size.

Kid: Oh. That's a pound.

Me: That depends on what you put in it.

Kid: Huh?

Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.

Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.

Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.

Kid: Huh?

Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.

[thedrifter]

At the Grandparent's

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[thedrifter]

At the Inn...

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

[thedrifter]

At the Movies

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

[thedrifter]

At the Zoo


A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

[thedrifter]

Auto Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

[thedrifter]

Automotive Tools


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[thedrifter]

Aviation 101


Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

[thedrifter]

Avid Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[thedrifter]

Awestruck.....

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.

Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.

At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.

"You put it in your purse with your change."

[thedrifter]

Aerobics For your Brain


1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.

(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?

(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.

(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?

(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s".

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Boxing.

(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.

(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).

(5) Baseball.

(6) Strawberry.

(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

(12) Lettuce.

(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.

(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.

[thedrifter]

Baby Boomer Quiz

At 04:12 AM 9/16/00 EDT, you wrote:
>Sir/Madam -
>
>You have 2 baby boomer quizzes on your site. The URL's are:
>
>http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/babyboom.htm
>http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/babyboo2.htm
>
>You credit the Funny Bone for the quizzes. But they stole them from me.
>
>I am the author of the Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exams, which you
>have copied, word for word, on your site.
>
>This is copyrighted material; it is not in the public domain. You may put
>a link to Baby Boomer HeadQuarters on your site: http://www.bbhq.com -
>but you may not post my copyrighted material.
>
>This is not a trivial matter; this is copyright infringement. I do not
>treat the theft of my intellectual property lightly.
>
>Please remove my quiz from your site. I will check back in five days to
>ensure that you have done so.
>
>Thank you for your cooperation and prompt attention to this matter.
>
>Hershel M. Chicowitz
>Boomer-in-Charge
>Baby Boomer HeadQuarters
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2000 07:57:47 -0700 (PDT)
X-Sender: tellswor@pop.slonet.org
To: HChicowitz@aol.com
From: "Thomas S. Ellsworth"
Subject: Re: baby boomer exams on your site

Hello Herschel,

No problem. Things are passed around the internet so many times that
authorship is often lost. I always believe in giving credit where credit is
due. When this does happen at Good Clean Fun, most people choose to have
authorship information added to the posting along with a link back to their
site. Evidently this is not the case here. Your wish is for me to remove the
piece. So be it. When you "check back in 5 days" you will find this letter
replacing the posted material.

Take care,
Tom
(Good Clean Fun moderator, owner, and guy who takes out the trash)




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Baby Sister


A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

[thedrifter]

Baby Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

[thedrifter]

Babysitting


A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

[thedrifter]

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
> >
> >
> > IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
> >
> > HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
> >
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
> > Signed,
> > The Blonde

[thedrifter]

Aerobics For your Brain 2

1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

[thedrifter]

Babysitting 2


With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

[thedrifter]

Baby Weight

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

[thedrifter]

Bachelor Food Storage Guide


Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.

CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.

CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

[thedrifter]

Bachelors


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

[thedrifter]

Back Pain


The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

[thedrifter]

Back to School


The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Backseat Driver


My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a backseat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, I heard my cell phone ring as I merged onto a freeway bypass.

It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights. It's starting to rain."

[thedrifter]

Backwoods Delivery

In the backwoods of Tennessee, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The backwoods man scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light what's attractin' 'em?"

[thedrifter]

Back Up?


Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"

Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"

Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"

[thedrifter]

A Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 322-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"


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[thedrifter]

Bad Day at Work

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and a