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thedrifter
11-06-03, 01:36 PM
Air Show

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."

thedrifter
11-06-03, 01:37 PM
Aircraft Operating Regulations, 1920


Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.

20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

thedrifter
11-06-03, 01:38 PM
Airline Quickies


Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight. "

Phantom Blooper
11-06-03, 05:44 PM
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a TennesseeMountainman, was drafted
by
the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That
afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army
barber
sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.... The Army is still looking
for him

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:49 PM
Mad Killers or Computer Nerds?????


Take the test and see if you know your Killers

from the Nerds ,you will be scored ,





http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:51 PM
Airline Safety Talk

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:52 PM
Airline Shuffle


During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:52 PM
Airplane Repair Logs

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:53 PM
Alcohol


A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

thedrifter
11-06-03, 06:54 PM
Algorisms (Al-Gore-isms)

Remember all the flack that Dan Quayle got over some of the things he said while he was Vice President? (potato vs potatoe, for example)

It appears that the current Vice President also has a talent for providing us with much fun and entertainment (although I don't remember the media making much of a fuss when Al Gore mis-spoke).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldsson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:51 AM
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives
steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest
and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department
directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport
with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand
how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in
failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist
snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.

Marines: kills snake. Continues original mission.

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:52 AM
"Black and White Poem"
(Under age 40? You might not understand)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys;
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too;
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white,
Everything always turned out right;
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen;
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept;
They never cussed or broke their vows,
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be,
In a TV town in '53;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight;
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:53 AM
Furniture Business

The retired Marine officer had been out of military service for several years.
He had established a furniture store in in home town and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture back home to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark.

She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant.

They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Marine took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

To this day the Marine officer is still wondering how she knew he was in the furniture business!

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:54 AM
Alien Transmission


Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:54 AM
Allergies

A True Story)

I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exame room and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic to anything" my four year old son stood up and said " YES, I'm allergic to shots!"

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:55 AM
Alligators


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:56 AM
All-Purpose Apology Form

Dear

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,


(your name here)

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:56 AM
All Trick And No Treat


As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company.

"The place was perfect," the consultant says. "It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse."

Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill.

"Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to 'biowarfare,' the office is unusable for the foreseeable future," he says. "Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country."

An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery.

"Where's our secondary site?" the company CIO chokes out.

"The site was sold two months ago," workers tell him. "We're just finishing the leveling."

"What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?" asks the CIO.

"It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot," the crew's foreman says.

After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out.

"A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site," says the consultant.

Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled.

The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property.

That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:07 PM
A Lot of Good.....


Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:08 PM
The Altruistic Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.


A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the
barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:08 PM
The Amateur Photographer

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:09 PM
Announcement from the Pulpit


The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:09 PM
Ancient Artifact?

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

thedrifter
11-07-03, 06:10 PM
The Ancient Castle


A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

Phantom Blooper
11-07-03, 07:27 PM
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America? (especially appropriate today)

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been

thedrifter
11-08-03, 12:16 AM
And God Created.....

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said, "Yea," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10-20 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to get up to change the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created the 99-cent cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yeah! And super size 'em." And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

thedrifter
11-08-03, 12:17 AM
Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 12:18 AM
Announcement from the Pulpit

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Phantom Blooper
11-08-03, 05:48 AM
After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a mother wearily arrived at the air base with my eight kids -- all under age 11. Collecting the many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief and said "Ma'am, do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," the mother said with a sigh, "they're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:56 AM
'Da' Hinge and the Teapot


Boudreaux was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
> hinge,so
> > > he
> > > > > sent his wife, Marie, to the store.
> > > > >
> > > > > At the general store, Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf
as
> > she
> > > > was
> > > > > waiting for Gaston to finish waiting on a customer. When
Gaston
> > finally
> > > > > waited on Marie, she asked how much for the teapot?
> > > > >
> > > > > Gaston replied "Dat is silva, and it cost 100 dollar!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "My goodeness, dat's a lot of money!" Marie exclaimed.
> > > > >
> > > > > She then proceeded to described the hinge that Boudreaux had
sent
> her
> > to
> > > > > buy, and Gaston went to the backroom to find the hinge.
> > > > >
> > > > > From the backroom Gaston yelled, "Marie, do you wanta screw
for da
> > > hinge?"
> > > > >
> > > > > To which Marie replied, "No, but I will for da teapot."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:57 AM
Annual Physical

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:57 AM
Another Woman


"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:58 AM
Answering Machine

I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:59 AM
Anti-Alcohol Drive in Russia

There is currently an anti-alcohol drive in the USSR.

The streetcar is packed with people. The driver shouts "Red Square." Some people get on and off.

At the next stop the driver shouts "Liquor Store." Some people get on but nobody gets off.

At the next stop the driver shouts "End of the line for the Liquor Store." Everybody gets off.

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:59 AM
Antiques


The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures. The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. "Do be careful," he cautioned one burly mover. "That vase is nearly two thousand years old."

"Don't worry," the guy replied. "I'll treat it like it was brand new."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 08:00 AM
Antz


The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 08:00 AM
The Apple


When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up ... "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:35 PM
Applicant-Speak
(What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:36 PM
Are They Cheating?

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.

That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:36 PM
Are You a Grinch?


This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you for Christmas and for your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
(5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
(5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.
(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
(1 point for each piece of sticky candy)
If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.
(5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
(5 points, 10 if from a cell phone)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.
(5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own .
(Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
(5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.
(20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:37 PM
Are You All Right?


Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:38 PM
Are You Hiring?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:39 PM
Argument


There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

thedrifter
11-08-03, 07:40 PM
Area 51


You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:38 AM
Arizona


YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:

- You've signed so many petitions to reccall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.

- You notice your car overheating beforee you drive it.

- You can say Hohokam and people don't tthink you're laughing funny.

- You no longer associate bridges (or riivers) with water.

- You see more irrigation water on the sstreet than there is in the
Salt River.

- You know a swamp cooler is not a happyy hour drink.

- You can say 115 degrees without faintiing.

- You can be in the snow, then drive forr an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.

- You have to go to a fake beach for somme fake waves.

- You discover, in July, that it only taakes two fingers to drive your
car.

- You can make sun tea instantly.

- You run your air conditioner in the miiddle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.

- You notice the best parking place is ddetermined by shade instead of
distance.

- You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

- Hotter water comes from the cold waterr tap than the hot one.

- You can pronounce the words: "Saguaroo", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San
Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
Tlaquepaque".

- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.

- You actually burn your hand opening thhe car door.

- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.

- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.

- No one would dream of putting vinyl uppholstery in a car.

- You can understand the reason for a toown named "Why."

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:39 AM
At the Movies

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:39 AM
Art Appreciation


A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:40 AM
Art Gallery


Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:40 AM
Art vs Science


There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:41 AM
Ask a Police Officer


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?"

"Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:42 AM
Athletes Speak!


This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron . . .

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wwing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footballl coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was iineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
- George Raveling, Washington State baskketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visiited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."
-Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the Universsity of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:42 AM
Assistance Please.....

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:43 AM
Astrological Light Bulbs


How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

thedrifter
11-09-03, 09:43 AM
Atlanta, Georgia


A Translation of Atlanta for Visitors

1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."

3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.

4. Atlanta is home of Coca Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink.

5. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.

6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

7. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".

8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

9. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

10. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".

12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

13. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.

14. If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

15. Atlanta is pronounced "Lan-uh".

16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

17. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour. (Ed. note: This appears to be a common theme in almost any major American city).

18. Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

19. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.

20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:48 PM
Oklahoma State Trooper
> > >
> > > An Oklahoma State Trooper pulled an east-bound car over on I-44
about
> 12
> > miles west of Tulsa. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was
> > speeding, the driver answer that he was a magician and a juggler
and he
> was
> > on his way to Tulsa to do a show that night and didn't want to be
> > late.
> > >
> > > The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and
if the
> > driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him
a
> > ticket.
> > >
> > > The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his
equipment on
> > ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that
he
had
> > some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could
juggle
> them.
> > The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares,
lit
> them
> > and handed them to the juggler.
> > >
> > > While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the
> > squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he
then
> went
> > over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper
> observed
> > him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and
asked
> the
> > drunk what he thought he was doing.
> > >
> > > The drunk replied, "Might as well haul me off to jail, there's
no
> > way in hell I can pass that test."

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:49 PM
A FOOTBALL FAIRY TALE


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
> > > > > > > > The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He
> had
> > > > > > > > scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European
> >Leagues,
> > > > > > > > but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl
> win.
> > > > > > > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in
> > > > > > > > Afghanistan.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan
> > > > > > > > Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-
> > > > > > > > grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards
away.
> >KABOOM!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into
a
> >chimney.
> > > > > > > > KA-BLOOEY!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
> BULLS-EYE!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He
has
> the
> > > > > > > > perfect arm!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great
> game
> > > > > > > > of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The
> >young
> > > > > > > > Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and
when the
> >coach
> > > > > > > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to
call
> > > > > > > > his mother.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman
says.
> "You
> > > > > > > > deserted us. You are not my son!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.
> > > > > > > > "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm
here
> > > > > > > > among thousands of my adoring fans."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this
very
> moment,
> > > > > > > > there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a
pile
> of
> > > > > > > > rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their
> > > > > > > > lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house
> so
> > > > > > > > she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then
> tearfully
> > > > > > > > says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to
> > > > > > > Detroit!"
>

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:50 PM
Election Humor

HILLARY ELECTED PRESIDENT
> Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in
> the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says,
> "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
>
> Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary
says,
"How
> can I best serve my country?"
>
> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
>
> Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.
>
> On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says,
"How
> can I best serve my country?"
>
> Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:51 PM
At the Auction


Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:51 PM
At the Border


Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:52 PM
At the Deli Counter


Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.

Kid: Huh?

Me: (pointing) This size.

Kid: Oh. That's a pound.

Me: That depends on what you put in it.

Kid: Huh?

Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.

Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.

Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.

Kid: Huh?

Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.

thedrifter
11-09-03, 05:53 PM
At the Grandparent's

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:56 AM
At the Inn...

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:57 AM
At the Movies

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:57 AM
At the Zoo


A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:58 AM
Auto Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:59 AM
Automotive Tools


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:59 AM
Aviation 101


Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 06:00 AM
Avid Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:16 PM
Awestruck.....

In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie. His blue eyes made her knees buckle. She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.

Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone; she turned to go back in.

At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her, "Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.

"You put it in your purse with your change."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:17 PM
Aerobics For your Brain


1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.

(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?

(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.

(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?

(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s".

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Boxing.

(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.

(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).

(5) Baseball.

(6) Strawberry.

(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

(12) Lettuce.

(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.

(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:18 PM
Baby Boomer Quiz

At 04:12 AM 9/16/00 EDT, you wrote:
>Sir/Madam -
>
>You have 2 baby boomer quizzes on your site. The URL's are:
>
>http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/babyboom.htm
>http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/babyboo2.htm
>
>You credit the Funny Bone for the quizzes. But they stole them from me.
>
>I am the author of the Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exams, which you
>have copied, word for word, on your site.
>
>This is copyrighted material; it is not in the public domain. You may put
>a link to Baby Boomer HeadQuarters on your site: http://www.bbhq.com -
>but you may not post my copyrighted material.
>
>This is not a trivial matter; this is copyright infringement. I do not
>treat the theft of my intellectual property lightly.
>
>Please remove my quiz from your site. I will check back in five days to
>ensure that you have done so.
>
>Thank you for your cooperation and prompt attention to this matter.
>
>Hershel M. Chicowitz
>Boomer-in-Charge
>Baby Boomer HeadQuarters
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2000 07:57:47 -0700 (PDT)
X-Sender: tellswor@pop.slonet.org
To: HChicowitz@aol.com
From: "Thomas S. Ellsworth"
Subject: Re: baby boomer exams on your site

Hello Herschel,

No problem. Things are passed around the internet so many times that
authorship is often lost. I always believe in giving credit where credit is
due. When this does happen at Good Clean Fun, most people choose to have
authorship information added to the posting along with a link back to their
site. Evidently this is not the case here. Your wish is for me to remove the
piece. So be it. When you "check back in 5 days" you will find this letter
replacing the posted material.

Take care,
Tom
(Good Clean Fun moderator, owner, and guy who takes out the trash)




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:19 PM
Baby Sister


A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:19 PM
Baby Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 12:20 PM
Babysitting


A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:50 PM
I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
> >
> >
> > IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
> >
> > HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
> >
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
> > Signed,
> > The Blonde

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:51 PM
Aerobics For your Brain 2

1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:51 PM
Babysitting 2


With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:52 PM
Baby Weight

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:53 PM
Bachelor Food Storage Guide


Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.

CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.

CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:53 PM
Bachelors


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:54 PM
Back Pain


The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

thedrifter
11-10-03, 05:54 PM
Back to School


The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."


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thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:03 AM
Backseat Driver


My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a backseat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, I heard my cell phone ring as I merged onto a freeway bypass.

It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights. It's starting to rain."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:04 AM
Backwoods Delivery

In the backwoods of Tennessee, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The backwoods man scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light what's attractin' 'em?"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:04 AM
Back Up?


Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"

Technical Support:
"Did you back up?"

Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:05 AM
A Bad Day

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 322-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"


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thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:05 AM
Bad Day at Work

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."


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thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:06 AM
Bad Language

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:06 AM
Bad Language

Frank was a happily married man who had only one complaint: His wife, Myra, was always nursing sick birds.

One cold November evening he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin tablet, while in the kitchen Myra was comforting a shivering wren.

Frank dropped his briefcase and strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "Myra!" he shouted. "I can't take it anymore! We've got to get rid of all of these da..."

Myra held up her hand and and cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said. "Not in front of the chilled wren!"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:07 AM
A Bad Day in Court


The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" the lawyer yelled the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!" Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."

The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:07 AM
A Bad Driving Day

In North Haven, New York, a woman had a really bad driving day.

Police cited her for driving while intoxicated.

Actually, she caught their attention by causing a two-car accident while being both under the influence and behind the wheel.

And the other vehicle ** the one she crashed into ** was driven by a man she may have seen on television:

He's a lawyer operating the New York City-area personal injury service whose TV ads were even then inviting people to dial "1-800-LAWYERS."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:08 AM
Bad Knees

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 07:08 AM
Bad Luck

A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"

Phantom Blooper
11-11-03, 07:36 AM
A man dies and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the Devil himself. As he passes sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he sees a lawyer that he recognizes, snuggling up next to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:30 PM
How to Annoy the IRS


Well it's tax time again boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party checks. On top of paying with a three party checks, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a burlap sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. 10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:31 PM
The Bad Drummer


As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:31 PM
Bad Shape

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours eyes will bulge."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:32 PM
Bad Translations

English can be a difficult language to learn (and even harder
when people in other countries try to make signs which their
English-speaking visitors can read)


The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
(In a Bucharest hotel lobby)

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacle your passage, then tootle him with
vigor. If honorable horse obstacle your path, pull
over until he he pass away.
(From a Japanese car-rental firm's informative brochure)

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.
(Inside an elevator in Yugoslavia)

Please leave your values at the front desk.
(At a Paris hotel)

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of
repose in the boots of ascension.
(At an Austrian ski lodge)

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
(On the menu of a Swiss restaurant)

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in
the country people's fashion.
(On the menu of a Polish hotel's restaurant)

For your convenience we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
(At a Hong Kong supermarket)

Drop your trousers here for best results.
(At a Taiwanese laundry)

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
(At a Hong Kong tailor shop)

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
These were executed over the past two years.
(In Soviet Weekly)

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of
their workers.
(In an East African newspaper)

Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
(Advertisement of a Hong Kong dentist)

A lot of water has been passed under the bridge
since this variation has been played.
(In a Russian book on chess)

Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
(In the window of a Swedish furrier)

Stop -- Drive sideways.
(Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan)

Specialist in women and other diseases.
(On the door of a Roman doctor's office)

Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.
(Instructions accompanying new Japanese air conditioners)

English well talking.
Here speeching American.
(Signs at two Majorcan shops)

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
(In a Paris hotel elevator)

Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
(In an Athens hotel)

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
(In a Yugoslavian hotel)

You are invited to take advantage of the women
who are employed to clean the room.
(In a Japanese hotel)

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where
famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists
and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
(At a Moscow hotel across the street from a
Russian Orthodox monastery)

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
(In a Hong Kong tailor shop)

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest
camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one
tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
(At a German campground)

Ladies, please leave your clothes here and
spend the afternoon having a good time.
(Outside a Rome laundry)

Take one of our horse-drawn city tours.
We guarantee no miscarriages.
(Czech tourist agency brochure)

Special Today -- NO ICE CREAM.
(At a Swiss mountain inn)

We take your bags and send them in all directions.
(Slogan of a Dutch airline)

If this is your first visit to the Soviet Union,
you're welcome to it.
(At a Moscow hotel)

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
(Inside a Swedish lounge)

We are pleased to announce that the manager
has personally passed all the water served here.
(At an Acapulco restaurant)

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:33 PM
Bad Weather

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."

thedrifter
11-11-03, 06:34 PM
The Bakery

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:48 AM
Aerobics For Your Brain 3

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

And as we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain,
so below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

The space between questions is there so you don't see the answers until you have made
your own response.

OK, relax, clear your mind, and ....... begin.
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1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

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2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next
question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may
be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.

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3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a greenhouse made from?

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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the
devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said "glass,"
then go on to Question 4.

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4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will
recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East
Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing
that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time, and the plane crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you
bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land?"

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Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you
are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors,"
then proceed to the next question.

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5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many
degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree,"
you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your
league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final
question.

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6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get
off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get
on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people
get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU, you dummy.

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:49 AM
Banker's Woes


Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?


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thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:49 AM
Banquet Blessing


The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend. He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed. He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:50 AM
The Bar


A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:50 AM
Barber Shop


I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:51 AM
The Bartender

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:51 AM
Basic Training

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out,

"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:52 AM
Basement

When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:52 AM
Bank Robber

An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank had been robbed for the third time by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" he asked.

"Yes, he seems to be better dressed each time," the teller replied.

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:53 AM
Banff Park Tourists


All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
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Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information
kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at
the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic
table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you
tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is
that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money
to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one,
don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and
paint the bottom".
Tourist: "Oh!"

thedrifter
11-12-03, 06:53 AM
Barney


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:36 PM
Bass Fishing


Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."


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thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:36 PM
Bat Story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:37 PM
Bathroom Scales


Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:37 PM
Bathroom Sign


In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:39 PM
High-Tech Beatle Songs


Let It Be

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.


Nowhere Man

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody

He's as wise as he can be
Programs in LEX, YACC and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, please listen
My printout is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
Where is the style?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
What is it worth?
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the blood off his hands as he walks from the grave;
Nothing was saved.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

thedrifter
11-12-03, 05:39 PM
Be Careful What You Ask For...

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:28 AM
Beer Trivia

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bear shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:28 AM
Beethoven

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:29 AM
Beethoven's Ninth


Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at
this point, you must understand two things:

1.There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses
don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the
street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local
musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass
players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they
were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage,
rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty
minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they
trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't
we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the
first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more
time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's
score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow
the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and
fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house,
a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look
at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:29 AM
Beet Pulp Blues

Well, I knew there had to be a downside to beet pulp, and thought it only fair that I pass it on. This afternoon I decided to bring some beet pulp pellets into the house to soak, because I wanted to get an idea of the volume they expanded during soaking. Researchers are like that, pathetically easy to amuse and desperately in need of professional help.

So I trundled in a bucket, about three pounds of beet pulp, added in the water and set it in the living room to do its thing. No problem. Science in the making.

Well, one thing I don't think I've mentioned before is that in my ongoing quest to turn this house into Noah's Ark, we have not only four horses, two dogs, three house cats plus Squeaky the barn cat, a sulfur-crested cockatoo, a cockatiel and assorted toads, we also have William, a fox squirrel who absent-mindedly fell out of his tree as a baby a year or so ago, and got handed off by my vet to the only person he knew silly enough to traipse around with a baby squirrel and a bottle of Esbilac in her bookbag. Being no dummy, William knew a sucker when he saw one and has happily been an Urban Squirrel ever since.

And for those of you that think A Squirrel's Place is In The Wild, don't think we didn't try that. Last year at Christmas, we thought we'd give him his first lesson in Being a Wild Squirrel by letting him play in the undecorated Christmas tree, and his reaction was to shriek in horror, scutter frantically across the floor and go try to hide underneath the nearest border collie.

Since then, the only way he will allow himself to be taken outside is hiding inside Mummy's shirt and peering suspiciously out at the sinister world. So much for the re-make of Born Free in San Dimas.

Anyway, when I set out the bucket of beet pulp, I may have under-estimated the lengths that a young and enthusiastic squirrel will go to to stash all available food items in new and unusual hiding spots. I thought letting William out of his cage as usual and giving him a handful of almonds to go cram under cushions and into sleeping dog's ears was sufficent entertainment for the afternoon. After all, when I left, he was gleefully chortling and gloating over his pile of treasure, making sure the cockatoo saw them so he could tell her "I Have Almonds And You Don't". Sigh. So much for blind optimism.

Well, apparently when the almond supply ran out, beet pulp pellets became fair game and I can only imagine the little rat finding that great big bucket and swooning with the possibilities of being able to hide away *All That Food*.

The problem isn't quite so much that I now have three pounds of beet pulp pellets cleverly tucked away in every corner of my house, it's that as far as I can tell, the soaking-expanding-and-falling-apart process seems to be kind of like nuclear meltdown. Once the reaction gets started, no force on earth is going to stop it.

So when I happily came back from the grocery store, not only do I find an exhausted but incredibly fulfilled squirrel sprawled out snoozing happily up on the cat tree, I find that my house smells like a feed mill and virtually every orifice is crammed full of beet pulp. This includes the bathroom sink, the fish tank filter, in my undie drawer, in the kitty box (much to their horror) and ALL the pockets of my bookbag. I simply can't WAIT to turn on the furnace and find out what toasting beet pulp smells like.

The good news is that in case of siege, I have enough carbohydrates hidden in my walls and under the furniture to survive for years. The bad news is that as soon as I try to remove any of the stash, I get a hysterical squirrel clinging to my pant leg, tearfully shrieking that I'm ruining all his hard work and now he's going to starve this winter. (This is despite the fact that William is spoiled utterly rotten, knows how to open the macadamia nut can all by himself and has enough of a tummy to have earned him the unfortunate nickname Buddha Belly.)

So in case anyone was losing sleep wondering just how much final product you get after soaking three pounds of beet pulp, the answer is: a living room full.

I'd write this new sata up and submit it as a case study paper to the nutrition and physiology society, but I suspect the practical applications may be limited. Off to go empty the Shop-Vac.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:30 AM
Before and After

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicince and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for my wonderful family
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for my wonderful family.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:30 AM
Before the Beginning


One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know You created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know You created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:31 AM
In the Beginning ...

God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:32 AM
Behaving Like Angels


The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:33 AM
Behind the Wheel


A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The man, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve ahead. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The man, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

He gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:34 AM
Being Cool


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field at night.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:29 PM
Being Observant

My secretary began to post unusual news articles, cartoons and pictures of faraway lands on our office bulletin board. Although she changed the items on a regular basis, no one mentioned her efforts. Eventually she put up a notice stating that she would give one dollar to the first person who read the announcement and informed her about it. Two weeks later, she received her first acknowledgment, a handwritten reply left on her desk: "I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy your interesting bulletin board. /s/The cleaning lady."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:30 PM
Be Prepared


Pun Ahead! Proceed at your own risk! You have been warned!
(Apologies to my Scouting friends)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:30 PM
Best Likeness Ever

The traffic officer stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license and picture," she said.

"You know something," replied the policeman. "This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:31 PM
The Best Son


There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:31 PM
The Bet

At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 06:32 PM
Biased Bible?


A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday School with a frown on her face.

"I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.

"Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

thedrifter
11-13-03, 08:58 PM
If The Airlines Sold Paint


CUSTOMER: Hi. How much is your paint?

CLERK: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

CUSTOMER: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

CLERK: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CUSTOMER: What's the difference in the paint?

CLERK: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

CUSTOMER: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

CLERK: When do you intend to use the paint?

CUSTOMER: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

CLERK: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CUSTOMER: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

CLERK: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CUSTOMER: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

CLERK: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

CUSTOMER: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

CLERK: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

CUSTOMER: The price went up as we were talking?

CLERK: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

CUSTOMER: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

CLERK: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CUSTOMER: WHAT?

CLERK: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

CUSTOMER: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

CLERK: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

CUSTOMER: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
CLERK: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

CUSTOMER: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

CLERK: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds,even on the empty cans.

CUSTOMER: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

CLERK: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room with paint from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway with paint fromanyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

CUSTOMER: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

CLERK: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

CUSTOMER: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

CLERK: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

CUSTOMER: You're insane!

CLERK: Thanks for painting with UnitedAmericanContinentalDelta brand paint!!!

Phantom Blooper
11-14-03, 06:19 AM
12 Things To Say At Work... 12. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 11. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 10. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 8. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 7. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 6. Adults are just kids who owe money. 5. Let's see, chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. 4. Is it time for your medication or mine? 3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 2. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 1. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:25 AM
Bible Bloopers

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:26 AM
The Big Sale


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:27 AM
Big Steak

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:27 AM
The Big Wave

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:28 AM
Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:28 AM
Bill Gates buys a house ...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:29 AM
Bill of No Rights


"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I:

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:

You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:

You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."

thedrifter
11-14-03, 06:29 AM
Bird Tags


According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated


Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."


The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Redleg
11-14-03, 06:34 AM
Here's one from my site, It's probably been posted before..
Anyway, here it goes:

Never mess with a Marine!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge
on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off
and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and ****ed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate the motherfu**er". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says
"What the hell is going on out there soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:38 AM
Bible by College Students

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

10) Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9) Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8) Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

7) Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

6) Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5) The place where the end of the world occurs: not the Plains of Armageddon; rather, Finals.

4) Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3) Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: He didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

2) Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1) Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.


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thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:38 AM
Birth Certificate

Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen. I showed up with my drivers license and birth certificate.

The clerk looked at my drivers license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look.

"Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:39 AM
The Birthday Gift


When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:40 AM
Birthday Gift


The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:41 AM
Birthday Quotes


I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.

When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

Birthdays, humph.... My folks were so poor we couldn't give my sister a sweet 16 party until she was 28.

On my 60th birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

We know when we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.

It's so sad to grow old alone. My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.

By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake in February, the first one had gone out. If she ever told her real age her birthday cake would be a fire hazard. When it was fully lit it looked like a prairie fire.


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thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:41 AM
Biting Humor


A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear" she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, " I have to go and get my teeth."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:42 AM
The Blarney Stone

Kissing The "Blarney" Stone Brings Good Luck

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:42 AM
Blessings!

A man goes to the track and sees a Priest blessing a horse before a race and quickly goes to the ticket window and bets. The horse wins. He watches the Priest carefully for the next four races, and continues to win, until he has quite a small fortune. He decides to bet it all on one last race.

Before the horse crosses the finish line however, it drops dead. The man rushes up to the Priest, confronts him with what he's seen and demands an explanation.

The Priest just shakes his head sadly and says, "That's one of the problems with you Protestants. You don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

thedrifter
11-15-03, 07:43 AM
Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

TracGunny
11-15-03, 08:13 AM
Subject: Never ask a Marine Gunny anything!

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?” The young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.” The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this person, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.” The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he did not mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?” The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ******* ears."

TracGunny
11-15-03, 08:17 AM
News anchor Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when cannibals captured them. They were tied up, led to the village, and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said; “now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what is about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the a**," said the Marine. "What?" said the chief? "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**," insisted the Marine. Therefore, the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a**.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his Mini 14, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a**?" "What?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?"

Art Petersn
11-15-03, 02:37 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a

show in a small town in Connecticut. With his dummy on
his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've
heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that
way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as
a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being
respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full
potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general... and all
in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little **** on your knee!

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:06 PM
Biblical Laws for Children

Household Principles for Children
Based on the Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)

by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table :
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:07 PM
Blonde Jokes 101


There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep" she said.

"Well thank you" said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you" said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure" said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" Queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:07 PM
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:08 PM
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg".

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:08 PM
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(back to newscast)

He jumps.

Blonde: OK Here's my $20.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:08 PM
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed. "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:09 PM
A blonde called the fire department. She screams into the phone.

"Hurry, Come Quick! My house is on fire."

The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blond said, "Duh, Red Truck!"

thedrifter
11-15-03, 09:09 PM
In Las Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the soda cans.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"


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TracGunny
11-16-03, 07:06 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells”. Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols.”

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:49 AM
Blonde Jokes 102

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company.

The brunette went in first. The guy looked over her application and asked her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"

The brunette replied, "None."

The interviewer replied, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process."

The redhead went in next. The guy asked her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

She also replied, "None."

The interviewer replied, "OK, you may go into the next room."

The blonde went in and he asked her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies:"77."

The interviewer was shocked and asked her how she came up with 77.

She answered, "Dun da da dun da da dun da da dun dun da da..."
(the Bonanza theme)...

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:49 AM
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:49 AM
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blonde returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:50 AM
The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But now, I'm not going to have enough time to finish rechecking my answers!"

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:50 AM
Blonde Revenge

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


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thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:51 AM
Blue Eyes

When my daughter was about three years old, she was kneeling on a bench at the Mall throwing pennies in the pond.

An elderly gentleman said, "Where did you get those pretty blue eyes?"

My little one replied," I don't know, but I've had them a long time."

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:51 AM
Boarding Announcements

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:52 AM
The Book


Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

"She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, "There's a book?"

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:52 AM
The book of VCR


VCR: Book 1 Chapter 1.

Thou shalt use no Sony, nor shalt thou use Memorex tape lest thy heads be fouled. Maxell doth excel.

Use tapes of greater than 120 minute length at thy peril, for they doth prang.

Pause thou shalt not if thou butst think.

Beware the pressing of buttons unknown to you; they may recordeth over thy favorites. Thy remote be holy, let not thy feline prance thereon, nor shalt thou place it carelessly wither, lest thou be truly lost without it.

Wither thou programmist for the recording of events not present for, THREE times must thou checketh thy programming, for there are pitfalls many and the renoun of bad programming be legend. Still it will avail you naught, for thou hast cable and twill laugh upon you in your helplessness.

Thou shalt breaketh the safey interlock tabs of VHS, for in their absense, they may betray you not, and thy favorites shall not perish foolishly.

thedrifter
11-16-03, 08:53 AM
Boots


A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."

"Why, that's no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."

The patient was elated, "That's neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:32 AM
Blonde Jokes 103

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:32 AM
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he went over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake, put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:32 AM
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well,if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!


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thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:33 AM
Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.

She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.

"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:33 AM
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the blonde got off work late one night. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:33 AM
One day, a blonde and a brunnette were walking on the sidewalk when the brunette stopped and exclaimed "Look! a dead bird!" The blonde immediately looked up and said "Where? Where?"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:34 AM
Boss Differences

Differences Between You and Your Boss...

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough...

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy...

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human...

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative...

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm...

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original...

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative...

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business...

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill...

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked...

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:34 AM
Bow Tie

Two guys are driving along an outback road and then they drive into this small country town, driving past the local town hall they notice that there is a B&S (bachelor and spinster) ball on. Deciding that they'd like to go in and try their luck with the local ladies they parked their car a few blocks away and then had a look to see what they had in the way of formal clothes in their bags. They both manage to find a pair of half decent black pants, black shoes and a white shirt. There was a problem though as only one of the guys had brought a bow tie, all be it a little beaten up it would still do. Not really having any other options they decided to try and get past the bouncers with one of the guys missing a bow tie. They went up to the door and immediately the bouncer stopped them and said "No mate you can't go in... you need a bow tie" and then told them to get lost. They then went back to the car and tried to find something that they could use a as a bow tie. After much looking they tried using a jumper lead for the car, wrapping it around the guy's neck and making a bow out of it. They then proceeded back to the hall and approached the same bouncer, this time he said "Ohh I don't know if can let you in dressed like that" to which the guy wearing the jumper lead as a bow tie said "Come on, I am only in town for the night and we are just looking for a good time" and then the bouncer said "OK...I'll let you in....just don't START anything"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:35 AM
A Boy and His Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


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thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:36 AM
Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same

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"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boy's arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 06:36 AM
Bradford Bridge Exchange

Attention Bridge Buyers:

The most respected name in bridge sales is about to present an
offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The
Bradford Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative
Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before
this unique investment opportunity should interest you.

The Bradford Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable
bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime
Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges.

Think about it, EVERYONE needs bridges: to go to work, walk
across, jump from, get mugged under and to throw rocks from.

Not all bridges go up in value, the Bradford Bridge Exchange
guarantees that your own personalized bridge will retain its
minimum value for at least one full year.

The famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The
Bradford Bridge Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it
has since been re-sold, its value has increased to an astounding 42
million dollars! No other LEGAL investment could give that kind of
return so quickly.

Look at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George
Washington Bridge, first in the Commemorative Series:

Note the detail in the rust, the unique "yO maMa" mural which
captures the American dream and the fine cracked metal work in
these steel supports. You will not find any composites or
reinforced concrete here.

1) Bridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are
owned by the contractors that build them. They are then purchased
by the Bradford Bridge Exchange.

2) Top investors say that bridges are a solid investment with
underlying liquid assets.

3) In addition to the potential of increasing of the physical value,
bridges can actually generate INCOME through the use of tolls.

4) Not only am I an owner of a bridge, I am also a user!

5) Insurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a
major bridge in the history of The Bradford Bridge Exchange.

6) Bridges also make useful homes for transients which will make
you appear in good standing in your community.

Act now while prices remain low. The Bradford Bridge Exchange WILL
destroy all bridge molds for the above mentioned Washington Bridge
with in a period of 30 Days. All mailers will receive The Bradford Bridge Exchange's guide to purchasing tunnels and national parks at no
additional cost.

Please E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit card
number. System operators are standing by.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:12 PM
Blonde Jokes 104


A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."



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Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Joe)

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on a high mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:12 PM
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Bystanders are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The bystanders yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! They yank the blanket away ... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the bystanders to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The bystanders yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the bystanders yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:12 PM
A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and askedto buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:13 PM
Bragging


At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:14 PM
The Bragging Texan


A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer ("fahmah"). The Texas rancher was boasting to his host about the size of his ranch: "I can get into my pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach the boundary of my ranch", he bragged.

The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied, "Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:14 PM
Brainless Law


Another encounter between medicine and the law ......

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:15 PM
Brain Teaser

Can YOU solve it?

10, 4, 3, 11, 15...

What number is next?

a) 14
b) 1
c) 17
d) 12

GIVE UP? When you're ready to see the answer, just scroll down the page
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ANSWER: 14. When spelled out, each number in the series is longer than the previous number by one letter.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:15 PM
Bravest of the Brave

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

thedrifter
11-17-03, 07:16 PM
Bread Upon the Water


On Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), there is a service called Taslisch (throwing) where sins are symbolically cast away by throwing bread into the water.

Some people have asked what kind of bread they are supposed to throw into the water. Here are suggestions:

For ordinary sins, use -- White Bread
For exotic sins -- French or Italian bread
For dark sins -- Pumpernickle
For complex sins -- Multi-grain
For truly warped sins -- Pretzels
For sins of indecision -- Waffles
For sins commited in haste -- Matzah
For substance abuse -- Poppy Seed
For commiting arson -- Toast
For being ill-tempered -- Sourdough
For silliness -- Nut bread
For not giving full value -- Short bread
For political chauvinism -- Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony -- Rye Bread
For continual bad jokes -- Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts -- Jelly doughnuts

Phantom Blooper
11-17-03, 07:27 PM
WAL-MART GREETERS

Two elderly WAL-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way

when one turns to the other and says

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know

you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really, Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

:banana:

Art Petersn
11-17-03, 07:48 PM
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. As she waited for Joe Bob to finish helping a customer at the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf . When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it's $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled " Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot.

thedrifter
11-17-03, 08:55 PM
Apollo Project



When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project,
it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking
among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in
the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling
to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused
to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village
and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and
loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these bastards.. They have come to
steal your land."

thedrifter
11-17-03, 08:56 PM
The Frog Story


A 92 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON
A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS
DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A
FROG.

THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS
ME AND I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER
SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES
THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN
REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS
FRONT BREAST POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I
SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE
YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID,
AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG".

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:36 AM
Blond Jokes 105


Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:36 AM
A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. We're havin' a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:36 AM
Q: What do you call two blondes in a closet?

A: Last year's hide-and-seek winners.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:37 AM
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:38 AM
Brain Teaser 2


Can You Solve It?

AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS

If you cross out all unnecessary letters in
the above string of letters, a logical sentence
will remain. Can you read what it says?

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ANSWER: If you cross out the letters,
ALL UNNECESSARY LETTERS, the remaining
letters will spell: A LOGICAL SENTENCE!

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:38 AM
Break In


A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:39 AM
Breakfast

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:39 AM
Breakfast Out


We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:40 AM
Brick Counters

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:40 AM
Bridal Registry Blooper

A Bride to be called to make a change to her wedding Registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dish pattern, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her J.C.Penney would be happy to make the change. She asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that." She just wanted to change the name of the groom.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 06:41 AM
British Military


The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:00 PM
Test for Dementia..


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...,

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your own.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer:"bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.




2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?





Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World." If you said, "water" proceed to question 3




3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?



Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.



4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall,Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?




Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.



5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?



Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.



6. Without using a calculator- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?




Answer:

Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:01 PM
Blonde Jokes 106


A Blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock."

The blonde scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and I keep getting different answers."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:01 PM
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it."

"Are his flashers on?" asked the brunette

The blonde turned around again, "Yup .... nope .... yup .... nope .... yup .... nope .... yup ....."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:02 PM
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and proudly walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:02 PM
Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:02 PM
A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. You must be the person who took our phone book.

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:03 PM
British Rail


I was travelling home on the train from Newcastle to Glasgow and I was sitting with a group of people who, through no fault of their own, had recently been travelling in the first class carriage. They told me of this incident which ocurred while they were living the high life with their complimentary coffee and biscuits.

Aparrently there had been a woman on the train with a small dog. When the ticket inspector came round he told her she'd have to buy a ticket for her dog. Understandably galled, she replied that if she was paying for a ticket for the dog, the dog would be entitled to a seat of it's own. The ticket collector graciously agreed but on one condition; he pointed to the sign by the window and said, "just as long as he keeps his feet off the seat."


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thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:04 PM
The Broken Doll


Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:04 PM
The Broken Lawnmower

During the summer when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a while, then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:05 PM
Chili Cookoff


Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people
are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid
looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She
was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a
fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably
behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When
she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's
kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw
in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should
note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
to be in a bit of distress.
KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
KENNEDY: Momma?

thedrifter
11-18-03, 07:07 PM
A Dog's Diary

5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.

author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com

Phantom Blooper
11-18-03, 08:56 PM
Thought of the Day

Never hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get sh**ty ideas from.

:banana:

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:07 AM
Brain Teaser - 3

Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by great white sharks. How would you survive?

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Stop imagining!

(You may groan now)

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:08 AM
Bruce Gives Paternal Proclamations

The Cameron Column # 132

Paternal Proclamations
Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron

==> Please, please do not remove the copyright from this essay <==


Long ago, I hit upon the inspired idea of issuing formal Paternal
Proclamations on matters of particular importance to my family,
which are to be treated with the same reverence and obedience as an
edict from the king. (My children refer to my decrees as "Dad's
Demented Demands.") I usually announce these mandates at the dinner
table, followed by a formal posting to the refrigerator, which is so
littered with papers and photographs it looks like a collage.

Being a benevolent dictator, I allow a period for public comment
following a dinnertime Paternal Proclamation, though once it has
been affixed to the refrigerator with a magnet it becomes the Law of
the House, Forevermore.

I, Wise and Wonderful Father: Children, I have a Paternal
Proclamation. Please stop eating for a moment and pay rapt and
worshipful attention.

Children: (Groan)

I, Wise Father: It has come to my attention that all of you are,
on occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the
bottoms
of your glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do
not yet own a cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk
at every meal. Any public comments before this goes on the
refrigerator?

Son: If we're throwing up, do we have to finish our milk?

I, Wise Father: No. If you are throwing up, you do not have to
finish your milk.

Son: What if the dog licked it, would I still have to drink it?

I, Wise Father: How would that happen?

My son proceeds to show me how, in the course of taking a drink of
milk, he might be seized with muscle spasms which fling him from
chair, causing him to fall to the floor and to thrust his cup out in
front of him. Our canine springs forward to assist in the
demonstration, burying its nose in the glass. I shake my head.

I, Wise Father: I really don't think that's going to happen.

Son: Well how about if there's a fire and you tell everyone to get
out of the house, should I stay and finish my milk even if it means
I will be incarcerated?

Daughter: I think you mean incinerated.

Son: What?

I, Wise Father: No, if there's a fire, you don't have to finish
your milk.

Daughter: "Incinerated" means burned up. "Incarcerated" means
being arrested.

Son: That's what I meant.

Daughter: What do you mean, that's what you meant?

Son: I meant what if I was arrested.

Daughter: No, you didn't! You said if the house was on fire!

Son: Well, what if I started the fire, wouldn't I be arrested?

Daughter: You never said you started the fire!

Son: Dad, if I were arrested for starting the fire, would I still
have to finish my milk?

Daughter: This is so stupid.

I, Wise Father: Well, yes, if you were arrested, you would still
have to finish your milk.

Son: That's not fair!

Daughter: It does seem like if you were arrested you shouldn't
have to finish your milk.

I, Wise Father: How does that make any sense?

Daughter: I told you this was stupid.

Son: What if the only way to put out the fire was to pour milk on
it, wouldn't you be glad then?

I, Wise Father: Glad about what?

Daughter: What you should do is a Demented about stupid
conversations.

I, Wise Father: Stop calling them that; they're Proclamations.

Son: What if we're out of milk? Can we drink root beer?

I, Wise Father: What?

Daughter: Hey, he's kicking me under the table!

Son: You're nothing but a big baby.

I, Wise Father: Stop kicking your sister.

Daughter: He's kicking me! (Stands up, knocking over her milk
glass.)

I, Wise Father: Hey!

Son: (After studying the white stain.) Dad? What if we spill our
milk, do we have to drink it then?

Thus ends the period of public comment, and in due course the
Proclamation is pressed to the layered surface of the refrigerator,
held in place by a magnet with sufficient strength to penetrate two
years' worth of elementary school art and a photograph of me that my
children improved by adding a mustache and a tattoo of a fish on my
forehead. So from now on, the Cameron children must finish their
milk.

Well, unless there's a fire.

Write to the author at bruce@wbrucecameron.com
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:09 AM
How to Build a Better Toaster

Toaster Software Development Project History

Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.

Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbucks goes best with a precise level of toast browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I'll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first chance to supervise!

Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup. Toast quality exceeds projections.

Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a company wide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment and that nothing will change.

Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toast-timing mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.

Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job.

Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete - something about using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toast quality. "With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.

Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower if we're gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard. "Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months. We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up some code, and ship to the end user."

Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my mechanical-design abilities. Bill convinced management that the old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock micro switches ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users properly insert the toast. We're seeing some reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can work those out.

Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.

Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.

Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna need some horsepower to drive that," Bill warned us. "I recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design Revision J of the PC board. Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We've cured most of the electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I'm worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck. "Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those, and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg of RAM in here, OK?"

Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows CE. The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space. "This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did 20 years ago," Bill boasted proudly.

Day 384: Toast quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around.

Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We switched >From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-allocation bugs, for sure," Bill told his team of 15 programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me, because Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors circulating that we're porting to a SPARC station.

Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. I mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans and the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded to the toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too poisonous. Our marketing people feel that the slight degradation in taste from the grease will be more than compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the latest multi-platform software."

Day 610: The product ships. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325.

Bill is promoted to CEO.

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:10 AM
Bruce Shares Driving Tips

Nothing is more gratifying for a business traveler than to return from a long, hard week on the road and have his loving children come running up and shout adoringly, "what'd you bring me?" (By the time you have a teenage daughter, the tiny bottles of shampoo from the hotel don't do the trick. Try diamonds.)

Also fulfilling is to have your family press you for the exotic details of the trip, and all you can remember is the airport, the rental car place, and the inside of the hotel--in other words, every city looks the same. The only difference is the way the people drive.

I've done a little traveling myself this past year, and, in an effort to have something to tell my children, I made special note of the way people in some cities handle their highways. Here is a quick coast-to-coast review:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boston

Driving in Boston is a bit like playing football, except that everyone else is on the other team. Boston drivers act like they're taking testosterone injections, with little old ladies sporting bumper stickers which say, "Call me Terminator."

The streets of Boston were laid out in pre-Revolutionary war times by drunken horsemen--it's possible to hit twenty intersections in a hundred yards, all of them spilling cars into your path at oblique angles. Don't look for traffic signs; Bostonians think traffic signs are for weenies. Worse of all are the traffic circles, which suck in unwitting automobiles like a black hole pulling in interstellar dust. Oncoming vehicles do their best to keep you pinned inside the innermost crease. Your only hope of escape from a traffic circle is to whiz round and round at ever increasing speed until you are flung away by sheer centrifugal force.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kansas City

In Kansas City, drivers begin to prepare for an exit from the interstate by flipping on their blinkers and slowing down several miles from the turnoff. By the time they hit the off ramp, they are traveling no more than four miles an hour, and have been doing so for thirty minutes.

Come to an intersection in Kansas City and stop at a red light and everyone else stops too, waving in a most polite fashion for you to proceed. This can be very confusing, since they have a green light and you have the red--do the fools want you to break the law? Apparently so, for they will wait, beaming and nodding encouragingly, while other citizens pull up and smile at you as well. Three or four of these Stepford stops and you begin to long for the streets of Boston.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Detroit

The whole point of car travel in Detroit is to get where you are going at the fastest possible speed. The automobiles have a special switch which disconnects the brakes so no one will be tempted to use them during rush hour, which is a continuous, white-hot flash of cars screaming down the pavement at Mach 2.

Slow down due to friction or engine exhaustion while traveling in Detroit and someone will instantly slot himself into place in front of you. It really seems like you could put the car in neutral and coast--the line of cars behind you would keep you pressing ahead at the same berserk pace.

In some cities, the sight of a disabled or wrecked car by the side of the road will cause a slowdown in the flow of traffic, as everyone cranes their necks to see what happened. In Detroit, the same sight causes everyone to speed up, under the assumption that one less car means there is a gap up there somewhere to be filled.

Yet, no matter how fast they go, they are still stuck in Detroit.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
California

In California, people don't actually drive anywhere. They pull onto long, narrow parking lots called "freeways" and sit for hours with their engines running.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chicago

The automobile exists strictly as a source of revenue in the Windy City. Every dozen yards or so the cars are funneled through toll booths, sucking every coin out of your pocket like locusts stripping a corn field. These funds finance massive construction projects underway at every mile, building, it appears, more toll booths.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Denver

Voted by the Windshield Replacement Workers of America as the best place in which to live, Denver's roads are buried in several inches of gravel that becomes airborne during high winds and sprays car windows like machine gun fire. Everyone in Denver drives a sport utility vehicle, not for the snow, but to get through all the sand on the highway.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure the drivers in other cities have a few quirks as well; I just didn't go anyplace else. If you want to share some of your favorite anecdotes, please write me at bruce@wbrucecameron.com.

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:10 AM
Building By Committee

The church congregation decided to build a new church. They asked the deacons to look into the cost of materials and land. After the deacons got price quotes, they realized they wouldn't have enough funds to cover all the expenses without getting a loan. The interest rate was very high, so that was out of the question. After some deliberations they presented their findings to the congregation.

1. Because the cost of land was the highest, they decided to use the land the church was already on.

2. Because materials would have to be ordered special, they would use the materials from the existing building.

3. Until the new building was finished, in order to have services during the construction of it, they would use the old building.

Now THAT is a committee at work!!!

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:11 AM
Bureaucratic Babble


Bureaucrats -- What they say ... (What they mean)

We've all heard the language of the bureaucrat.
Did you ever wonder what they are *really* saying?

1. Above Critical ... (out of control)
2. Categorical Inaccuracy ... (a lie)
3. Terminological Inexactitude ... (a lie)
4. Strategic Misrepresentation ... (a lie)
5. Compliance Assistance Officer ... (a cop)
6. Contributions ... (tax payments)
7. In the Early Stages of Finalization ... (unfinished)
8. In the Earliest Stages of Finalization ... (not started yet)
9. Good Neighbor Policy ... (invading a neighboring country)
10. Great Restraint ... (what police officers, ie: Compliance
Assistance Officers, always exercise up until the moment
they are forced to shoot someone)
11. Judgement Lapse ... (a white collar crime)
12. Sanitize ... (to censor)
13. Suboptimal ... (lousy)
14. Nonperforming Asset ... (a bad loan)
15. Procedural Safeguards ... (red tape)
16. Rapid Oxidation ... (a fire)
17. In a Reduced State of Awareness ... (asleep or comatose)
18. Soft Targets ... (humans selected to be bombed or
otherwise militarily attacked)
19. Target Servicing ... (dropping a bomb)
20. Therapeutic Segregation ... (solitary confinement)
21. Terrain Alteration ... (saturation bombing)

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:11 AM
The Burial

One day, Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him, said, "Hey,Timmy, what are you doing that for?"

Timmy replied, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

The neighbor noted, "Well, that's an mighty big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?"

Timmy glares back. "No, my goldfish is inside your cat."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:12 AM
Burma Shave Signs


While these first short "signs" are from Cascade Express, there is information at the end of this piece which provides a very brief history of the signs and a link to a site with more information.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I've read
These signs
Since just a kid
Now that I shave
I'm glad I did
Burma-Shave

We don't
Know how
To split an atom
But as to whiskers
Let us at 'em
Burma-Shave

(Anti-inflation series)
Bargain hunters
Gather 'round
For fifty cents
Still
Half a pound
Burma-Shave
No price increase

A man
A miss
A car -- a curve
He kissed the miss
And missed the curve
Burma-Shave

And my personal favorite, although
I doubt if it was ever a real sign:

Her guy's whiskers
Just don't phase her.
He shaves with
Electric razor.
Why bother with
Burma-Shave


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Great Burma Shave Signs of Yesteryear
By Chuck Woodbury,
editor, Out West

Once, long ago, cars went slow and "super" highways were two lanes. One of the joys of driving back in those good 'ol days was reading the Burma-Shave signs by the side of the road. One after another, they told a little upbeat story, all with the punch line "Burma-Shave."

For those too young to remember Burma-Shave, it was a brushless shaving cream. Today, anyone older than 55 fondly remembers the red and white signs that advertised the product along America's rural highways and byways. On a nondescript stretch of road, where the best scenery might be a pasture with cows, the sight of Burma-Shave signs ahead was reason for celebration -- the monotony broken.
Special Seats
Reserved in Hades
For Whiskered Guys
Who Scratch
Their Ladies
Burma-Shave


http://www.outwestnewspaper.com/burmashave.html

thedrifter
11-19-03, 07:13 AM
The Bus Driver


One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Art Petersn
11-19-03, 10:24 AM
>An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.
>So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her
>hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in
>two weeks, and told the husband that meanwhile he could do a simple
>informal test to give the doctor some idea of the severity of her problem.
>
>"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away
>from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
>you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
>response."
>
>That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband
>is in the living room, about 40 feet away. In a normal tone he asks,
>"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other
>end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's
>for supper?" Still no response. Next he moved into the dining room
>where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for
>supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the
>kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again
>there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's
>for supper?"

For the fith time we are having chicken

Art Petersn
11-19-03, 04:13 PM
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the National Anthem?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that children in other people's lives are not nearly as cute as those in mine.

I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left hand...
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

Now- Have I already sent this to you???????
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:15 PM
Try This




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Of course not.......
.
.
.
Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
.
.
.
Don't
tell the secret
to others,
just send
them this e-mail!

Smile & have
a great day!

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:16 PM
Bruce on Health


Welcome to another session of Bruce the Answer Man. Today's topic: Health And Why It Can Be Good For You.

Q: I've been dieting for nearly a year and I've only lost three pounds. I'm getting discouraged. What should I do?

A: What you should do is gain some perspective. What difference does a few pounds make in the grand scheme of things? Consider our planet. Earth weighs trillions and trillions of tons, and the Sun, the most potent force in our solar system, is millions of times heavier. Are you more important than they are? Of course not! So why do you even own a device which measures weights in something as infinitesimal as a pound? Does your watch measure time in zillionths of a second? Does your kitchen have measuring cups for adding a tenth of a grain of flour? In my opinion, anything less than a billion tons is "one." So yeah, if you weigh more than "one," you should probably go on a diet.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?

A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so anathema I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.

Q: What is my "skin age?"

A: Well, how old are you?

Q: I'm 38 years old.

A: Well, I'd say your skin is at least that old, wouldn't you?

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?

A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!

A: Uh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?

A: The strato-lounger.

Be sure to watch for additional installments of Bruce the Answer Man!

Write to Bruce the Answer Man at bruce@wbrucecameron.com

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:17 PM
Bus Driver's Christmas


I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents.

Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me."

I opened the cards when I got home.

On the inside of one card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:17 PM
Bus Seat

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:18 PM
The Bus Trip


The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:18 PM
Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:19 PM
But Daddy .....


My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

thedrifter
11-19-03, 06:19 PM
But First ....

BUT FIRST SYNDROME:

"I call it "But First" Syndrome. You know. It's when you decide
to do the laundry. So you start down the stairs with the laundry,
but then see the newspapers on the table. OK, you'll do the laundry.

BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. So on your way in
to put the newspapers away, you notice the mail on the table. OK,
you'll put the newspapers away.

BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. So you look
for the checkbook. Oops...there's the baby's bottle from yesterday
on the floor. OK, you'll pay the bill.

BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink. You head for the
kitchen. Darn it, there's the remote for the TV. What's it doing here?
Okay, you'll put the bottle in the sink.

BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the TV room.
Aaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, you'll
put the remote away.

BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat...

So, here's what happens at the end of the day: Laundry is not done,
newspapers are still on the floor, bottle is on the table, bills are
unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control ...

And, when you try to figure out how come nothing got done all day,
you are baffled because .....you KNOW you were BUSY ALL DAY!!

That's the "BUT FIRST" Syndrome."

jfreas
11-19-03, 07:43 PM
LETTER FROM A WISCONSIN FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE
CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marinen Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.

He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

Phantom Blooper
11-19-03, 07:44 PM
> > A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
> > room, waiting for the
> > doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The
> > doctor arrived, examined
> > the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
> > concerned, asked if the
> > baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
> >
> > "Breast-fed" she replied.
> >
> > "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
> > ordered. She did. He pinched
> > her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
> > breasts for a while
> > in a
> > detailed examination.
> >
> > Motioning to her to get dressed, he said "No wonder
> > this baby is
> > underweight. You don't have any milk."
> >
> > "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I
> > came."
:banana:

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:57 AM
Brain Twisters


1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

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2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

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3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

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4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

**********************

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

************************************************** ****************

SOLUTIONS:

1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother..

2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

4) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

5) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water.

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:57 AM
Bruce Speaks of Cats and Dogs


Much to the delight of the squirrels in my neighborhood, I have hung a birdfeeder just outside my back window. This has immediately become a source of great concern to my dog and cat, both of whom race over to the window the moment a gray squirrel drops by for breakfast. I must say, watching their diverse approaches, I am struck by the truism that you can raise two pets the same way in the same house and still have them turn out totally different.

The cat stealthily climbs into a chair and tightens down like a coiled spring, only the tip of her tail flicking, the rest of her motionless, watching, watching.

The dog sits at the window and begins panting as if all the oxygen has left the room. Quaking with excitement, she can't help the high whine and small yips of consternation which characterize every heaving breath. After less than a minute of increasing agitation, she finally launches herself face-first into the glass, smacking the window with the sound of a baseball bat knocking one out of the park.

Initially, the squirrels reacted to this head-butt with a panic-stricken flight, racing to the tree tops to sit and scream rodent obscenities. This infuriated the cat, who would turn to the dog with a "that's NOT how you do it!" expression and rake her claws across the nose of my canine, who would look to me for justice. I ruled I do not have jurisdiction in this dispute.

After a time, however, the squirrels, (despite having a brain pan significantly smaller than my slobbering dog), realized that the glass barrier between them and their mortal enemies affords all the protection they need. Now, when the dog launches herself into the window, the squirrels pause only momentarily.

Squirrel # 1: That stupid dog just threw itself into the window again.
Squirrel # 2: Ha ha. Pass the sunflower seeds, please.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the glass, this is what my two squirrel-killing pets are thinking:

Cat: If I sit here long enough, they will become accustomed to my presence. Then one day the weather will turn warm and the window will be open, and I will make my move.

Dog:

Another way in which the two differ is in their relationship to food. The dog's dinner consists of what appears to be compressed cardboard pellets, the ingredients listed on the bag making frequent use of the words "crude" and "by-products." As in: Crude Animal By-Products: 30% Crude Recycled Machine Parts By-Products: 15%. When I serve this inedible stuff to my dog, she swallows it so forcefully you can almost see it slamming into her intestines.

When I serve the cat's dinner, the look I get in return clearly communicates, "What? Lobster again? I had this last week! You're going to be in big trouble when your wife finds out about THIS!" To enforce her point, the cat will spend the rest of the day walking around the room with her nose in the air, pretending I don't exist. Only a feast of fresh squirrel would redeem me, and when it becomes apparent I'm not going to open the window, the cat curls into a sullen ball in the corner. The dog puts her head in my lap and begs forgiveness for anything she may have done wrong in her entire life.

At night, both pets choose to sleep in my room, the cat's eyes narrowing to slits if I dare to disturb her as I climb into bed. The dog drops into slumber with a sigh and begins twitching and moaning in her sleep, no doubt dreaming of throwing herself head-first into the window. The cat darts off the mattress to do some night hunting, but she'll be back, leaping silently through the air to land feet-first on my crotch.

It really irritates me that my wife refers to these painful assaults as "pin-point landings."

The cat was my low tech answer to the family of mice which discovered that our dryer vent led to a wonderful world of fluffy warm clothes. The first time our feline hunted down one of the little rodents, she proudly brought the squirming thing back to our bed, which resulted in a considerable amount of screaming and hysterical raving. My wife was unhappy as well.

Now that we have no mice, I consider the cat superfluous. The cat feels the same way about me. The dog, on the other hand, becomes inconsolable when I am out of sight for even a moment. If I am locked in another room, the dog will lie on the floor and put her nose to the crack under the door, inhaling so forcefully it is as if she believes she can snort me right out of the room. When I finally emerge, the dog acts like I've been gone for a month, licking me and running around in circles. The cat appears pretty disgusted at these antics.

For all their differences, though, the two pets are united in their loathing for the audacious squirrels in the birdfeeder. Though they have absolutely no chance of ever catching one, I think maybe sometime soon I'm going to open the window and let them try.

I'll let you know what happens.

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:58 AM
Buying a Cow


A certain car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer attached this "price tag" to the cow:


BASIC COW.................................$ 499.95
Shipping and Handling.....................$ 35.75
Extra Stomach.............................$ 79.25
Two-tone exterior.........................$ 142.10
Produce storage compartment...............$ 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper..................$ 189.60
Four spigot/high-output drain system......$ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter.....................$ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery................$ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns.........................$ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment...........$ 339.40
4-by-4 traction drive assembly............$ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb................$ 69.80
FARMER'S SUGGESTED
LIST PRICE................................$2,843.36
Additional dealer adjustments.............$ 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options)......$3,143.36

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:58 AM
Buying a Tie


I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk, "Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."

He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:59 AM
Buying Grades

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got back his test and $64 change.

thedrifter
11-20-03, 06:59 AM
Buying Paint


BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

thedrifter
11-20-03, 07:00 AM
Buzzword Bingo


For those of you who attend a lot of meetings, this should make those meetings go faster! If you don't attend lots of meetings, consider yourself lucky.

How to play: Simply tick off 5 words heard in one meeting from the following list and shout out BINGO! It's that easy!


Synergy
Proactive, not Reactive
Win-Win Situation
Think Outside the Box
Take That Offline
On the Same Page
Client-Focused
Strategic Fit
Gap Analysis
Best Practice
The Bottom Line
Core Business
Lessons Learned
Touch Base
Revisit
Game Plan
Bandwidth
Hardball
In the Loop
Out of the Loop
Go the Extra Mile
Benchmark
The Big Picture
Value-Added
Movers and Shakers
Ball Park
Fast Track
Result-Driven
A Done Deal
Empower Employees
No Blame
Stretch the Envelope
Knowledge Base
Total Quality
Mindset
Put The One to Bed
Quality-Driven
Move the Goal Posts
Peel the Onion Back


Testimonials from other players:

"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled BINGO."

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."

"The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed BINGO for the 3rd time."

"I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis."

"People are even listening to mumblers, thanks to Buzzword Bingo!"