Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Comparing Pubs
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar
called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so
much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to
me sister.

[thedrifter]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his
way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it
will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell
her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her date
went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not
let him disgrace the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top
of him and disgraced his family!"

[Mudwalker]

If Bin Laden and Sadam were fat chicks then Clinton would have nailed them years ago!

[thedrifter]

"Horse Sense"

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.


The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.


The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."


On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.


The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.


The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

[thedrifter]

"3 Bulls"

One day there were two bulls talking to each other in the pasture. The Young bull looks at the older bulls and asks, " Did you here the farmer is getting another bull?"
This upsets the older bull. " Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!"

The younger one thinks a minute. " Well I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it."

Just then the farmer pulls up and unloads the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. The older bull says," Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants."

The younger one starts stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looks at him in amazement. " Are you nuts? A few cows aren't worth your life."

"Cows hell," the younger one shouts. "He can have all my cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I'm not one of them."

[thedrifter]

"good looking wife"

a man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

[thedrifter]

"Nice Bartender"

This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.

About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."

[thedrifter]

"never argue w/a blonde"

A blounde went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The blond liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The blonde liked to read.
One morning the blonde returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the blonde decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.


Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.


"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the

blonde

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.


"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think

[thedrifter]

"dumb men"

Man says to god, god why did you make blondes so beautiful?
God says so you would love her!

Man says god why did you make blondes so stupid?

God says so she would love you!

[thedrifter]

"Learning to Observe"

A college professor was starting the new year with a lesson on observation. He walked into his class room holding a clear glass filled with a yellow liquid. He said," This is a glass of urine," all of his students had disgusted looks on their faces."Observe what I do and as I pass the glass around, do what I did." He stuck in his finger, pulled it out and put it in his mouth. All the students looked horrified. But, one by one, they each stuck in their finger and licked it. After everyone was finished, the proffesor said," If you had observed closely, i put in my index finger and licked my middle finger."

[thedrifter]

"tackle box"

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"

"How did I pack?" the wife asks.

"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.

"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box!"

[thedrifter]

"BLACK FISHEN"

ONCE THEIR WAS A BLACK WOMEN FISHEN AND SHE WAS CASTING OUT CATCHING ONE EVER TIME. THEN THIS WHIT COUPLE PULLED UP AND THEY WASN'T CATCHING NOTHING. SO THEY WENT OVER AND ASKED THE BLACK LADY HOW SHE WAS CATCHING ALL THESE FISH. SHE WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING SHE LOOKS UNDER THE COVERS AND WHEN HER HUSBAND PEACKER LEANS TO THE RIGHT I CAST TO THE RIGHT WHEN LEANING TO THE LEFT I CAST TO THE LEFT. WHEN IT IS STANDING STRAIGHT UP THER ISN'T NO TIME FOR FISHING.

[thedrifter]

"mop bucket"

there was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, he'll be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket

[thedrifter]

"Defect Genie"

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever seen will you give me a free beer?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but I've got to warn you I've seen a LOT of things in my time."

"Yeah, but you've never seen anything like this!" says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, "He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,"

The bartender is mightily impressed.

"That IS the neatest thing I've ever seen. Where did you get him?"

"Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,"

"Do you think I could have a wish too?" the barman asks.

"Sure," says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says "I wish for a million bucks!" POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, they're everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, "Why didn't you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?"

"Yep, hard of hearing. I didn't ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either"

[thedrifter]

"the flea and the genie "

there was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pube's (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!

[thedrifter]

"Two hunting bats"

Two bats were out one night looking for blood, but after a few hours of unsuccessful huntingthey decided to go home.In the wee hours of the morning, one of the bats was so hungry he had to go out hunting again.An hour later he came back all covered in blood.
'Where did you get that blood ?'said the other bat, full of enevy.

'Come and I'll show you.'So out they went into the night.

'See that tree over there?'said the bat covered in blood.

'Yeah.'

'Well I didn't!'

[thedrifter]

"Shooting Cans"

An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner,
"I need a big gun to shoot cans." The owner replies,

"How about this small rifle?" She says,"No these are really big cans."

"Well how about this medium sized rifle?" She says,

"No this are really big cans." Finally, frustrated, the owner says,

"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"

She replies, "Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"

[thedrifter]

"Superman and Wonderwoman"

One day superman is flynig over a city and he sees Wonderwoman sleeping on top of a bulding nude. Superman says to himself" I'm faster than a speeding bullet i can do her like that!" So he goes down and does her and then flys away. 5 minutes later Wonderwoman wakes up and says " What happened?" Invisible Boy says "i dont know but my ass hurts"

[thedrifter]

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

[thedrifter]

"The Bullfighter"

one day a man went to a restaurant in Spain, and he ordered the special of the day.
He ate the round lumps and they were delicious. Then he asked the waitor what they were.

The waiter replied "Bulls Testicles - the bull was killed in a bullfight this morning"

The man was slightly surprised but he still thought they tasted nice.


The next day the man went back to the restaurant and ordered the same thing.

This time however the testicles were much smaller. He asked the waiter why was this?

The waiter replied:

"Well, sir, the bull does not always lose!!"

[thedrifter]

"Government worker"

Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill, with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labour-as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
"Kowalski" he says "why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction"

Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:

"Sir" he whispers, his throat feeling worse "please slow down, there's a Government crew up ahead"

"Okay" the guy whispers back "I'll try not to wake them"

[thedrifter]

"Make the Pie Higher"

(This poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush. It was compiled and arranged by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.)


I think we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen

And uncertainty

And potential mental losses.


Rarely is the question asked

Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the internet

Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?


They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish

Can coexist.


Families is where our nation finds hope

Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher!

Make the pie higher!

[thedrifter]

"DON'T MESS WITH THIS LADY"

A FLIGHT ATTENDANT was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

[thedrifter]

"speeding granny"

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies would say "Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers liscense." Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her "Slow down" With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing "Oh no, not the breathalizer again!!!"

[thedrifter]

"A irish persons first baseball game"

A Irish person goes to his first baseball game. At one point someone bunts the ball down the third baseline. Everyone shouts RUN!RUN!RUN! So he says "RUN ya basterd run!" A few innings later someone is walked. He starts shouting "RUN ya basterd run!" He then wonders why everyone is laughing at him. Then someone said "He doesn't have to run, he has four balls" then the Irish mans says " Then walk with pride Man!"

[Art Petersn]

Hillary Clinton got elected President and is spending her first night in
the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[thedrifter]

"Truck Gets Pulled"

A man was driving along a country-side road and his truck stalled and drove into a ditch. There happened to be a farmer who lived near by and he asked if his horse could pull his truck out. The old farmer
hitched up the horse, Buddy, and yelled out, "Pull Silver, Pull!!!" The horse did nothing. Then he yelled out again, "Pull Bullet, pull!!" The horse did nothing. Then he yelled for the final time, "Pull Buddy, pull!!" And the horse pulled the truck out of

the ditch. The man thanked the farmer and wondered.


Then he asked, "Why did you call out 2 other names before his?" and the farmer replied, "Well, Buddy is blind and if he knew that he was the only horse there, he wouldn't have budged."

[thedrifter]

"Shut up, None of your business, and Trouble"

There are three bears. The papa bear is named Shut up. The momma bear is called None of your business. And their son is named Trouble. One day Trouble is playing outside and he gets lost. Shut up and None of your business drive around and look for Trouble. A policeman catches them speeding and pulls them over. "What's your name?" he askes papa bear. "Shut up," he says. The policeman gets angry and askes momma bear the same question. "None of your business," comes the reply. "Are you two looking for trouble?" askes the policeman. "YES! Where is he?"

[thedrifter]

"WHAT SONS DO FOR A LIVING"

THERE WERE THESE 3 MOMS SITTING AROUND A TABLE DRINKING TEA ONE DAY WHILE A WAITRESS SERVED THEM. THE MOMS STARTED TLKING ABOUT WHAT THEIR SONS DO FOR A LIVING.THE NOISY WAITRESS SAID WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO FOR A LIVING? THE FIRST MOM SAID,"WELL MY SON IS A PRIEST AND WHEN HE WALKS INTO A ROOM EVERYOUNE SAYS "HELLO MY FATHER". THE SECOND PUTS DOWN HER TEA CUP AND SAYS,"WELL MY SON IS A ARCHBISHOP AND WHEN HE WALKS INTO A ROOM EVEYONE SAYS,"HELLO YOUR GRACE. THEN THE THIRD MOM PUTS DOWN HER CUP AND SAYS WITH PRIDE,"WELL MY SON IS A STRIPPER AND WHEN HEWALKS INTO A ROOM ALL THE WOMEN SCREAM "OH MY GOD!"

[thedrifter]

"Pee on bar"

A man came out of the back room of a bar and bet the bartender $500 he could pee into a cup across the room with out spilling ad drop. They shook on it. The man then peed all over the bartender and his bar with out getting a drop in the cup. The bartender says give me $500 and the man said he would be right back. He went into the back room came back with 500 dollars whistling. He smiled and gave the bar tender the money. The bartender said, you just lost $500, why are you so happy? The man said I bet the guys in the back room $800 I could pee all over you and the bar and not get in trouble.

[thedrifter]

"The Lottery Ticket"

A Blonde had lost her job and was having a very hard time paying bills and putting food on the table. She has at the end of her rope, but decided to pray for help. She prayed, "Please God help in my dire need and let me win the Lottery!"

Lottery night came, and she was not a winner.

She prayed again, "Please God, how could you fail me when I needed your help the most?"


A Loud clap of thunder shook her, and a voice from above said, "Honey, work with me here, BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!"

[thedrifter]

"What will you do for a dollar?"

A blonde girl comes home from first grade, and goes straight to her mother.

"Mommy! A boy made a bet that I wouldn't climb the flagpole for a dollar, and I got the dollar!" the girl says.


"Oh honey!..." she replies. "The boy just wanted to see your panties. So, don't do that again!"


The next day, the girl comes home and goes to her mother, again.


"Mommy!" the girl yells. This time I got five dollars for climbing the flagpole!"


The mother gets a cross look on her face. "I thought I told you not to do that!"

she says. "He just wants to see your panties!"


The girl then replies...



..."Oh, don't worry, Mommy...


...I didn't wear any."

[thedrifter]

Phantom Strikes!


A grade school teacher comes into class one morning to find a litany of dirty words written all over the blackboard. She is very upset and tells the class to close its eyes and count to thirty. During that time, she says, the person who did it should erase the words. The class and the teacher close their eyes, and, after the time is up, open them. The board is indeed erased, except for a small note in the bottom of the board.

"**** you, teacher. The phantom strikes again!"

[thedrifter]

"The Three Choices"

OK there once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like ****. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

[thedrifter]

"Nerds and Preps"

How many geeks does it take to paint a wall red?
Only one if u throw it hard enough


How many preps does it take to make a hamburger?

Who cares just think of all the fun we can have putting them through the grinder.

[thedrifter]

"The Bunny Rabbit"

One day there is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest when they come upon a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out. He says,"Thanks guys. For helping me, I will give you each 3 wishes." The bear went first and said, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The genie says,"Done. Rabbit?" The rabbit says,"I wish for a Motorcycle Helmet." The genie says," Done." The bear goes next and he says," I wish all the bears on the continent were female." The genie says," O.K. you got it." The rabbit goes and says, with his motorcycle helmet on," I wish for a motorcycle." "Alrighty, you got it." The bear uses his last wish and says this,"I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female." The genie looks at him and says," You got it!" And so the rabbit, now sitting on his motorcycle, uses his last wish and says,"I wish he was gay," and drives off.

[thedrifter]

"Nascar Fans"

Once there were two Tony Stewart fans hunting, they shot a deer and were pulling it by the tail towards their truck, a Mark Martin fan came through and saw that the antlers were getting tangled on anything and everything, he walked up to them and said "wouldn't it be easier if you pulled it by the antlers" they said yes it would, so they started pulling it by the antlers, one said, "those Mark Martin fans sure are smart", and the other said, "yeah, but aren't we getting farther away from the truck."

[thedrifter]

"your injun's runnin"

one day the lone ranger and tonto are out riding in texas. they stop at a bar and start to have a drink. then a big guy comes in and says "who's white horse is outside?"
the lone ranger stands up and says " what abuot it ?" the man says "well your horse is about to faint" so the lone ranger told tonto "go run around silver and see if you can get some air movin" a couple minutes later anoither guy walks in and asks who's white horse it is outside. the lone ranger stands up and says "what's wrong with my horse?!!!" the guy says "nothins wrong with your horse you just left your injun runnin"

[thedrifter]

"Proud Dads"

Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
"My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!"

The second guy waves this off and says:

"My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!"

The third guy waves both of them off and says:

"My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!"

They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:

"My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he's gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!"

[thedrifter]

Lexus

.A lady walks into a Lexus dealership

She browses around,

then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As

she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart

escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if

anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales

person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this

lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you

are going to **** when you hear the price."

[thedrifter]

Wasp's Nest

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."

The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"

The doctor says, "Change of plans -- I'm going to drown the bastard."

[thedrifter]

"The Bet"

George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.



"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."



Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."


"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[thedrifter]

"Why tarzan wear underwear!"

Monkeys:We all don't wear underwear, why you do?
Tarzan: Mind your own business!!


Ond day, Tarzan was bathing in the river naked and the monkeys had a peep on him to kill their curiosity.


Monkeys: Hehehe...no wonder he wears an underwear. He was embarassed with us because his TAIL was infront and worse, its TOO SHORT!!

[thedrifter]

"FAMILY OF MOLES"

There once was a family of moles who lived in a little mole hole. Papa, Mama, and the baby mole.

The Papa mole stuck his head out of the hole and said, "Yumm! It smells like Maple."


The Mama mole stuck her head out of the hole and said, "Yumm! It smells like honey."


The baby mole went to stick his head out the the hole to smell the air but his parents were in the way. So he said, "It smells like MOLEASSES!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Everybody knows Bob"

The guys at the bar are getting quite sick of Bob claiming to know everyone. Every day Bob drops names into conversations, he would brag that he knew everyone. "The other day when Madonna called me?" was the type of thing they were used to. If ever anyone mentioned anyone Bob quickly went on about how well they knew each other. Someone mentioned Bob Dylan and Bob would talk about how he showed Dylan how to play guitar better, someone else mentions George W. Bush and Bob talks about their phone conversation last week where he gave George advice about the new tax cuts.

This went on for years until finally one day someone mentioned the Pope. When Bob started saying how the Pope asked him for advice one of them stopped him dead. "Bob, god dammit, you don't know EVERYONE and you certainly don't know the Pope, in fact you don't know any of the people you talk about. We are all sick to death of hearing you talk about people you don't know!".


Bob was visibly upset and confused by this, "You don't believe I know the pope" he said almost incredulous. "OK fine, I'll prove that I know everyone. I will fly all of you to Rome and introduce you to the pope". They all agreed thinking they would get a good laugh and a free ride. The next day they arrived in Rome and went to St. Peters to meet the pope. Unfortunately there was a big event and the pope was going to give a speech so Bob decided he would prove that he knows the pope by showing up on the balcony with the pope.


He went off and sure enough a few minutes later he stepped out on the balcony with the Pope. They were amazed but suspected that Bob may have hired someone to impersonate the Pope just to fool them. The decided to turn to one of the Bishops nearby to confirm that it really was the pope. "Excuse me, do you see the guy up there, who is that?" the said to the bishop. "Well, I cant tell who that guy is but the guy next to him is Bob".

[thedrifter]

"Dough NUTS"

A guy says to his friend,"I had the funnest time last night. I went to a bar where girls ate doughnuts off your dick. You got to go there."

So the guy goes and the next day he meets up with his friend.


He asks,"wasn't it fun?"


"No they gave me 75 cents and told me to go buy a box of cheerios."

[thedrifter]

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the

slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it

and put the change in her purse.


She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the

Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the

change and put it in her purse.


Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her

money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.


Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you

so long?"


She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

[thedrifter]

"The Trees"

One day a police man was riding down the road and he got a call that said there had been a wreck on I95. The policeman hurried to the sight and when he got there he saw a blonde lady and knew there was going to be problems.

He got out of his car and asked the lady what happened.


The blonde said, "I saw a tree fall across the raod, so i swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree fall to the left, and then there was another one that fell on the right..."


The policeman said, "Ma'am it was only your air freshener on your rear view mirror."

[thedrifter]

"Sandwiches"

Ok well a guy whos still in college still shares his room with his little brother. He has the top bunk and his brother has the bottom. One day him and his girlfriend come home and they go to the top bunk and you know things start heating up. Then he remembers about his little brother so he says to his girlfriend "if you want it harder say tomato and if you want a different position say lettuce". so then LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE! etc... Then his little brother wakes up and says "Hey quit making sandwiches your two, your getting mayonase all over me!"

[thedrifter]

"Put Your Best Foot Forward"

A science class was taking a test. The test was basically identifying birds by their feet. One student looked at the test and saw row after row of nothing but bird feet.
"That's it! I'm outta here!" he said. He handed his blank test in to the professor.

"What's your name young man?!" asked the professor angrily.

The student rolled up his pants, showing his feet.

"I don't know. You tell me."

[thedrifter]

"Flashlight"

One day some Kentuckyans were trying to fish but caught very little. A Ohioan was fishing nearby and noticed the Kentuckyans.The Ohioan asked if they wanted to come and fish where he was, if so he would get his flashlight ,turn it on and they could walk across the beam. They finally said," No, because when we get halfway across you will turn it off

[thedrifter]

"Hearing Voices"

(I'm afraid this joke is better heard than read. Importantly, the "voice" has to be a raspy whisper... like a certain unnamed movie in particular.)

Ricky is walking down the street on his way to work, and he hears a voice;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky gets very irritated and shouts "No! I will not do that!" And on he goes to work.


The next day, Ricky's walking to work and again the voice;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky becomes frustrated and sternly says "No." And on he goes to work.


This goes on for several weeks until finally, one day;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky loses it, and says "Okay! Fine! I'll quit my job," He quits his job, "I'll sell my house," He sells his house, and off to Vegas.


Gets on the plane, flies, lands, gets in a cab, and goes to the first casino he likes, and gets out. He looks around at all the gambling addicts walking up and down the streets, the girls passing out casino chips, the old folks, the tourist families. The voice says;


"Go into the casino."


Ricky walks into the casino, and checks out everyone on the slots, the poker tables, blackjack, you name it. The voice says;


"Go to the Roulette wheel."


And he does.


"Put all your money on... Twenty One."


And he does.


He places his every last penny down, the dealer spins the wheel, lets loose the ball, and it spins. Spins and spins and lands on... Seventeen.


The voice says;


"F*ck"

[thedrifter]

"Mother-in-law gets double"

One day a man was exploring a cave and found a magic lamp. When he rubbed the lamp a genie poped out and said "I will grant you three wishes, but your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for." "Again!" cried the man. "I wish I was the richist man in the univirse." "It is done, but remember, Your mother-in-law gets twice that." "I wish I own two mansions." "It is done, but remember, your mother-in-law gets double." "Beat me half to death."

[thedrifter]

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker.

You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.




It was Halloween and three vampires went into a bar.
"What will you have?" asked the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," replied the first.

"I'll have a glass of blood too please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight, " said the bartender,
"That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

[thedrifter]

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military
induction
> > > > > center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him
the
duty
> > > > > of advising new recruits about the government benefits,
especially
> > > > > the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
> > > > > Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center
began
> > > > > noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
> > insurance.
> > > > > This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductee's
nearly
> > $30.00
> > > per
> > > > > month more for their coverage, that was
> > > > > already afforded by that which the government was already
granting.
> > > > > The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his
> > > > > selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the
room
> and
> > > > > observe Bubba's sales pitch.
> > > > > Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductee's and
> > > > > stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go
into
> battle
> > > and are
> > > > > killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000. If you
take
> out
> > > the
> > > > > supplemental GI insurance ( which will cost you an additional
$30.00
> > per
> > > month),
> > > > > the government pays your beneficiaries $200,000. --------
NOW"
Bubba
> > > concluded,
> > > > > " Which bunch do you think
> > > > > that they are going to send into battle first?"
> >

[thedrifter]

Fighter Pilot


There was something like this around before, but this is funny....

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.



Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the barkeeper. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.



The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.



"What do you do?" he asked.



"I used to be a fighter pilot. I'm retired now," was the answer.

Now, really unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go. "

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. He rolled back his sleeves, exposing a large, well-worn watch with buttons on the side and a tatoo that said "Yankee Air Pirate. By the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked.

"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that last song was called "Big Boobs Light My Afterburner." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.

When the guy came out of the men's room, the barkeeper went over to tell him that he had the job, but noticed the old pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"

"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!!

[thedrifter]

"the penguines day out!"

One day an old lady was driving down the road with a penguin in her back seat that she had found.She asked a policeman what to do with it the policeman said to take it to the zoo so the old lady took it to the zoo.The next day the old lady was driving down the road with the penguin stil in her back seat she saw the policeman and he stopped her."i thought i told you to take it to the zoo said the policeman "i did and now i am taking it to the funfair" said the old lady.

[thedrifter]

"Cure for Chapped Lips"

A cowboy drifter rides into a town in the old west, and stops to tie his horse to a hitching post in front of the saloon. Several loafers, drunks, and townspeople are sitting in chairs on the boardwalk outside the saloon door. They watch, in amazement, as the stranger...after tying his horse, walks around behind the animal, lifts it's tail, and kisses the horse right in it's ass. "Gawd damn, stranger!!", says one of the onlookers, "Why in the hell did you kiss yore hoss's ass?" The stranger lifts the brim of his Stetson, looks the bystander in the eye, and says, "I got chapped lips". The bystander spit tobacco juice into the street and says, "I ain't never heard of curin' chapped lips by kissin' a hosses ass". "Didn't say it'd cure chapped lips", said the stranger, "But, it shore as hell keeps ye from a'lickin' 'em".

[thedrifter]

"Nice Bartender"

This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.

About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."

[thedrifter]

"the blonde in the circle"

A blonde just got a new sports car, so she took it for a drive. When she was driving, she cut off a truck driver, so he motioned for her to pull over. She pulled over, and he got out and pulled a piece of chalk out of his pocket. He drew a circle on the ground, and in a gruff voice said, "You get in this circle and don't move." He then pulled out a knife and slit her seats. When he turned around, she was smiling. This angered him, so he got out a bat and bashed her car up. When he turned around, she was smiling. He said, "Oh, well if you think that's funny...watch this." He took his knife and slit her tires. When he turned around, she was laughing. Then he got a can of gasoline and poured it all over her car. Then he set it the car on fire. This time when he turned around, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. He asked, "What's so funny?" and she replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle."

[thedrifter]

"A Blonde and Fire"

There was a blonde, burnett, and a redhead in a burning building. The only way to escape was to go to the top of the building and pray.

When they go to the top of the building, the looked down to the ground and saw firemen holding a blanket out. The firemen said "you the readhead, you jump first!" "But i'm afraid of hights." "Thats ok we'll catch you"


The read head told them to get ready and then jumped. "WHOOSH" the readhead jumped and the firemen pulled the blanket away and she hit the concrete like a pancake.


The they told the burnett to do it. She said no way i saw wut you just did to my friend, i'm not that stupid. The firemen told the burnett that they just hated redheads and that they would catch her. She finally decided to jump and when she did the firemen again pulled the blanket out from underneath her and she hit the ground and splatered like a tomato.


Fianlly it was the blondes turn. They told her to jump and she said no way! I'm a blonde but not that stupid. they then said they like blondes out of every one. She then makes a compromise. She said here's wut i will do. You put the blanket on the ground, back up ten feet and then i will jump.

[thedrifter]

"Feminism"

A female student is assigned a thesis on "changing trends in feminism". In her research she is shocked to read of a village in Central Africa where, 50 years ago, the women were so inferior to their husbands that they dared only to walk 10 paces behind them. Determined to find out whether the situation had changed she set out to this country and was delighted to see that it had. Leaving the airport she saw that the men were walking not 10 paces, but 100m ahead of their husbands. In her enthusiasm the student catches up with one such lady and asks of her, "What great change could have occured which means that you, the woman, can now lead your husband through these paths". The African woman looks at her sadly and replys, "land mines".

[thedrifter]

"Sic Sqid"

Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.

“Hello squiddy” said the shark “You don’t look too good what’s the matter”?

“Oh I have to get my pension today and it’s a long journey and I don’t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort”.

“No problem”, said the shark “I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time”.

The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.

After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.

All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.

“Hello sharkey I’ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me” said the killer whale threatenly.

“Oh yes” said the shark, “Have a look on my back. “It’s the six quid I owe you”.

[thedrifter]

"3 guys in a desert"

There were 3 guys walking in a desert. A Farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and A U.S. Technical engineer. One of them steps on a rock and a genie pops out. She says "Because you have freed me from my rock, I will grant you each on wish."

The Farmer wishes for fertile soil year round so he can grow crops.

Osama Bin Laden wishes for a wall around his country so nothing can get in or out.

The Tech En. says " I am curious tell me more about this wall."

The Gnie says" It is 15,ooo feet high and nothing can get in or out.

The Tech says "FILL IT IN WITH WATER!!!!"""

[thedrifter]

"three indians and a chief"

There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, "how did you get that deer?". The indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot deer". Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot bear." A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, "What happened to you"? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before
sex.

They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's
Pharmacies.

They're going to be called: 'Predickamints'
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

>This is a question that has gone unanswered for
>centuries...but, now we know.
> >
> >If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
> >race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework,
> >you're a pansy.
> >
> >If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
> If you don't work
> >
> >enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
> >
> >If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this
>is exploitation.
>
> >If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
>should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
> >
> >If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
> >job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
> >
> >If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
> >quiet, it's male indifference.
> >
> >If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
> >
> >If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she
> >makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
> >
> >If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
> >SHE asks you, it's a favor.
> >
> >If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
> >If you don't, you're gay.
> >
> >If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
> >If you don't, you're unromantic.
> >
> >If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
> >
>If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
>If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you
>don't, you're not ambitious.
>
>If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
>love her anymore.
>
>If you want it too often, you're over-sexed. If you don't, there must
>be someone else.
>
>Men die first because they want to.

[Phantom Blooper]

Singing In Church



A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood". The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

[thedrifter]

"Sheep counting"

A blonde is sick of all the blonde jokes so she goes to hairdresser and gets her hair died brown. So this blonde is feeling really chuffed with herself so she goes for a drive in the country side. About half an hour in to this drive she comes across this farmer hearding across his sheep. The blonde gets out of her car and says "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one."
"No **** off" the farmer says, "Oh please" the blonde pleads. "Oh fine" The farmer replies. "152" she says. "Jesus Christ how did you know." he says. "Lucky" She says. So she goes and picks one up and goes to her car and the farmer says "If I can guess what colour of hair you have can i have my dog back."

[thedrifter]

"Hose and Rosa's new life in America"

Jose and Rosa were off the the U.S. Border to

start their new life. They had the kids, the family

pets and all their worldly possessions in the car.

Jose leans over to Rosa and mentions that he is a

little reluctant to cross the border with the pets for

fear that it will cause them problems getting

across. The two family pets are a skunk and a

snake.

Jose: "Rosa I know the kids love the pets but I

don't want to have any problems at the border

with the animaIs, I think we need to come up with

a plan"

Rosa"Oh Jose you are so smart I know you will

think of something"

Jose: " Ah Rosa I got it, with the snake I will loop it

through my belt and then if they look they will

think its a snake skin belt or something"

Rosa: " Oh Jose you are so smart I knew you

would think of something, but what about the

snake"

Jose " I will think of something... I got it, with the

skunk you can put it up your dress and then if they

look they will think its your bush or something."

Rosa: "That is a good idea, but what about the

smell?"

Jose " Oh well if it dies it dies:

[thedrifter]

"Biker,Lawyer, Doctor"

A Lawyer,Doctor, and a Biker are sitting in a bar. The doctor says to the lawyer just had my 10th wedding anniversary bought my wife a new benz and tickets on a carribean cruise I figure if she doesn't enjoy the cruise she'll like the car. The lawyer says I know what you mean mt last anniversary I bought my wife a Rolex watch and a trip across Europe I figure if she did not like the watch she'd enjoy the vacation. biker at hte end of the bar says for my last anniversary I bought my ol lady a Sturgis T shirt and a vibrator I figure if she did not like the T shirt she could go **** herself.

[thedrifter]

"McGregors Nickname"

Two Scottish guys are sitting at the bar, one goes, "Hey McGregor! How'd you get yer nickname!" MecGregors replies, "Let me tell ya somethin! I built ma own house with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the carpenter? No! I dug ma own well with ma bare hands! i dug it, and set the stone myself, but do they call me Mcgregor the well digger? No! I built ma own fence with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the fence builder? No!...but ya **** one goat..."

[thedrifter]

"JUST ONE!!!!??"

A man and his blonde wife are getting ready for work. The blonde leaves about a half hour before her husband, so the man uses this time to listen to the radio news.


about ten minutes after the blonde left, a shocking news report comes in. "..... driver going the wrong way on highway 55..."


The worried husband calls up his wife on her cell phone to warn her, as he knew she took highway 55 to get to work.


"Honey," he said " be careful on your way to work. some maniac is driving the wrong way on highway 55."


The blonde responded in a frenzied voice "ONE!? ONE!? THERE MUST BE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Guess Who!"

A blonde was standing on a street corner talking to a police officer who was taking a report ( woman all mestup, shreddred clothes) she said, all I know officer is he had a red cape, A big S on his chest, and was faster then A speeding bullet.

[thedrifter]

"Good Answer"

One day a profesor walked into his large classroom, set his stool on his desk and told his class to write about how the stool wasn't really there. They started to think and write When with in 2 min. A student walked up and handed the profesor his paper and left since it was the only assignement for the day. The profesor reads the paper and starts laffing the paper said 2 words
"What stool"

[thedrifter]

"the boat"

a man and his wife went down to their cottage for the weekend. while they were down there the woman asked the man to go down to the store. the husband liked fishing so he had brought the boat down to the cottage. the wife was reading and decided to go out on the lake in the boat.while she was out on the lake a police man came by and asked for her fishing liscence. she explained to him that she didn't have a fishind liscence because it wasn't her boat and equiptment but her husbands. the police man explained to the woman he would have to arrest her. why replied the woman because you have all the equiptment but no liscence. the woman answered if you arrest me i'll file a complaint for rape. why i haven't done anything said the police man. yes but you have all the equiptment!!

[Phantom Blooper]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.

He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his
trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly,
being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[thedrifter]

"Baby Bear"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.


Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.


Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?


It was Momma Bear who got up first,

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE YET !!"

[thedrifter]

"Plumber's worst nightmare"

A plumber arrived at his next job only to find his client was going out, worried about the clients Rotweiler the man asks if he could come back later. Noticing the plumber's insecurity the client says,"Don't worry about the dog he won't hurt you, but whatever you do don't talk to the parrot!". Heeding the client's warning he walks into the house and into the kitchen. Feeling more confident about the Rotweiler he starts working on the sink. Barely after starting he notices the parrot sitting by the Rotweiler, all of a sudden the parrot bursts out with a bunch of insult's. Almost half way through the job the plumber starts to get angry, he starts to tell the bird to shut up. All of a sudden the bird becomes silent, then very quietly the bird says, "Sick him Rex."

[thedrifter]

"Dough NUTS"

A guy says to his friend,"I had the funnest time last night. I went to a bar where girls ate doughnuts off your dick. You got to go there."

So the guy goes and the next day he meets up with his friend.


He asks,"wasn't it fun?"


"No they gave me 75 cents and told me to go buy a box of cheerios."

[thedrifter]

"dam you"

a guy went into a bar and he said i want 20 shots of whiskey the bartender said whats wrong i just found out my son is gay he replied and the next night he came in and said i want 50 shots of whiskey and the bartender said whats wrong now the man replied i just found out my other son is gay then the next night he said i want 90 shots of whiskey then the bartender replied dosent anybody in your familly like women yahh my whife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

"Soda machine"

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the

slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it

and put the change in her purse.


She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the

Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the

change and put it in her purse.


Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her

money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.


Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you

so long?"


She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

[thedrifter]

"T.G.I.F."

A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,

"T.G.I.F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S.H.I.T."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said,"T.G.I.F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile

and said as sweetly as possibly, "T.G.I.F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

"T.G.I.F. -----------It means Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S.H.I.T-------- Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[thedrifter]

"A Most Unusual Paragraph"

This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out

what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary, you'd think

nothing was wrong with it and in fact, nothing is wrong with it.

It IS unusual, why? Study it. Think about it and you may find

out. Try to do it without coaching. If you work at it for a bit,

it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try your skill at figuring it

out! Good Luck - Don't blow your cool!

.

.

Answer below......NO FAIR LOOKING AHEAD EITHER..

(I'm WATCHING YOU!!! )

.

.

.

.

.

I CAUGHT YOU !!!....DO YOU HAVE THE ANSWER?

GOOOOOO BACK and look AGAIN....

.

.

.

.

.

.

GAVE UP THAT FAST HUH ??? Brain NOT working today ???

.

.

.

.

Ohhhhhhh....So NOW you have the correct answer....?????

YOU THINK ??? hehehehe Are you really sure about that ????

.

.

.

Not too late to rethink your answer now.....

HEY.....Don't SAY I didn't GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE HERE!!!!

.

.

.

Okay!!

This WAY To........ the ANSWER!!!!!!!

|

|

|

|

|

|

V

There is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph!

[thedrifter]

Lending A Hand

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,


The first girl said"Whatshould I do? The

guy sitting next to me is masturbating."


Her friend replied, "Don't do

anything. Just ignore it."


The first girl said, "I can't."


Her friendsaid,"Why can'tyou ignore it?"


The first one says, "Because he's using

myhand!"

[thedrifter]

"2 friends in a room"

One guy was sitting in a small room when his friend walked in and found a really long lighter in his friends lap. He also found a genie's lamp laying right next to him. He asked, "Hey man...what are you doing?" His friend responded by saying "Check this magic lamp out that I found. You can wish for anything, but only one thing, and it'll come true." So the friend held it up, and since he was a big duck hunter, he said "I wish for 1 million ducks to fill the sky!" Right then, the sky turned black and was then filled with 1 million BUCKS. He was confused and said "What happened? This isn't what I wished for." His friend, who was sitting on the ground, said "Yeah...and you think I wanted a 10-inch BICK?!"

[thedrifter]

"racing bears"

Two friends are out squirrel hunting whennthey encounter an angry bear. The bear is coming toward them and they know they can't stop it with their squirrel guns.
The first hunter says "What are you going to do?

The second hunter says "I'm going to run like hell"

The first hunter says "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!

The second hunter says "I don't have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun YOU!!

[thedrifter]

Diary of a Viagra Wife

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry", thing again, I'll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f... himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!!

[thedrifter]

Terrorism: Doing our part...

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

[thedrifter]

"Baseball Forever"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. They agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.


A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked,

"this is unbelievable! So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"


"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"


"Tell me the good news first."


"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."


"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"


"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[thedrifter]

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other,
"Yo! Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied
the
other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first
baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib
and
find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib,
then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm
a
little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby
girl,
"but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

[thedrifter]

Mothers

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

[thedrifter]

It's All in the Wording

An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of
his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and
both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She
went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the
executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before,but I
have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell!"

[thedrifter]

This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

[thedrifter]

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

[thedrifter]

This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Intracostal
Bridge in Gulf Shores one day. As she neared the top of the
bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge
getting ready to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said,
"Please don't jump! , Think of your Mom and Dad!"

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm gonna jump!"

She said, "Well, think of your wife and kids!"

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids!"

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee!"

He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Go ahead and JUMP, ya Damn Yankee!"

[thedrifter]

A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How much would you charge me to answer three questions?" Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars." Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?" Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Dogs?

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

HelOOOooo," answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

[thedrifter]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.They went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures and immediately fell off the ladders,dropping the tape measures and pencils--the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed,"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length".

[thedrifter]

A blonde guy goes into the doctors office, he's got a
banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose.

He tells the doc "I sure don't feel very good."

The doctor replies "Of course not, you're not eating right".

[thedrifter]

A blonde enters Sears and goes to the curtain department.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not need curtains...."

And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows

[Art Petersn]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat
right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac
Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We
have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba

[thedrifter]

"arent you a little to old to beleive in genies"

bob was playing golf when he badly strays his shot over a road and through a house window
when he goes to retreve his ball he finds a smashed vase and a man out cold on the floor he leant over the man and he woke him up who are you asks the man Bob replies im a genie realised from this vase after a thousand years traped in side the man is so excited and calls his wife home when she arrives Bob continues to show how much i appreciate being set free you can each have a wish the man starts with i wish for a billion dollars the genie replies next time you check your bank account you will find a billion dollars in there then it was the ladys turn i wish for a mansion in every capital city Bob says this wish has been grane annd she has a mansion in every capital city then then the genie looks at the wife a bit sadly and she asks whats wrong and he said well not having sex in a thousand years sure is tough well i have a mansion in every capital city so i dont mind said the wife hell i have a billion dollars i dont care said the husband so the genie and the wife go up stairs and make lovewhen they come back down the genie says to the husband how old are you to which the reply was 34 why? isnt that a boit to old to still beleive in genies

[thedrifter]

"the 3 guys"

there was once a black guy,a jew, and a white guy. They came across a genie and the genie told them they could each have 1 wish. The black guy asked for a country for him and all his brothers to live. The genie said "your wish is granted" and bang he had his own country. The jew asked for a country for him and all his people to live on and BANG his wish was granted. The white guy asked the genie, "The black guy is getting his own country right? And the jew is getting his own country right? Hummmmmmm... let me think about it... I would like a diet coke."

[thedrifter]

Things Only Southerners Understand


The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle your "pot likker"

The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.

The difference between "purt' near" and "a right far piece"

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

[thedrifter]

"Bird Dog"

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that ****".

[thedrifter]

"Guillotine"

Once there were three men who were going to be executed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. The first man was a mathmatician, the second man was an artist, and the third man was a engineer.
The police led the mathmatician up and told him to say his last words. He said, "I will always die for my country." The men led him to the guillotine. The blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the mathmatician would not die.

The same thing happened to the artist. His last words were, "I will always die for my country." He was led to the guillotine and the blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the artist would not die.

When the police led the engineer up and told him to say his last words, he said, "I think I know how to fix the guillotine."

[thedrifter]

"Down on Luck"

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.


"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.


"No, no boyfriend either."


"Do you have a partner then?"


"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."


After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.


"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."


"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."


"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."


"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"


"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."


"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."


At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"


"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.


"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[thedrifter]

'''''''''''Talking With Your Body'''''''''''''



A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

[thedrifter]

"Buttercups"

Toward the end of a golf match, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about

every buttercup in the patch.


All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

appeared.


She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your

popcorn the rest of your life! Better yet, you won't have any butter for

your toast for the rest of your life - as a matter of fact, you won't

have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"


Then POOF!...she was gone as quickly as she had appeared.


After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred,

where are you?"


Fred yelled back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."


Dave yelled, "DON'T SWING FRED!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Naval Skirmish"

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95:

Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.


Radio #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.


#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.


#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER "ENTERPRISE," WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!


#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[thedrifter]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
> Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
> breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
> lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US
Senate
> for assistance.
> The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
> How might I help you?"
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
> Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
> matter?"
> Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of last rites!"
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also
> obliged to notify the next of kin."

[thedrifter]

DARWIN AWARDS FOR 2003

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (often terminal) stupidity. They are now in for 2003. Enjoy.

Honorable Mentions:

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
*********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
*********

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
*********

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
*********

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he eeplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*********

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
**********

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by attaching a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home with the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
*********

First Runner Up
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

************************************************** ********

This years Darwin Award goes to...
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, stating that he would not be able to keep a straight face in court.

[thedrifter]

"Mad Dialing"

Late one Saturday evening, a woman was awakened by the ringing of her phone.

In a sleepy grumpy voice she said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.


"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Brian's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"


Since she didn't have any daughters, she knew the person had dialed the wrong number. "I'm sorry dear," she replied, "but you've reached a wrong number, I don't have a daughter named Susan."


There was a fairly long pause.


"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

[thedrifter]

"75 Bucks"

A new prostitute approaches a group of other prostitutes looking for some good advice.
The group takes pity on the girl and gives her the prices they charge a John.

100.00 for straight sex and 50.00 for a blow job.


The young hooker is satisfied and goes on her way.


After about an hour the group sees the young girl rushing towards them with a big smile. "I had my first John she says." And they asked to hear the details.


"Well he is a sailor and had been on a ship for over 6 months.I took him up to a room and he asked me how much for straight sex. When I told him it was 100.00, he looked into his pocket and said he didn't have that much."

"He was really cute so I told him for 50.00 I could give him a blow job. Again he frowned and said he didn't have that much. So, I asked him how much he had. He looked into his pocket again and said he only had 25.00, so I told him for that I would give him a hand job."


The group looked at her and nodded approvingly.

"So, he dropped his pants and I reached down for his cock. He was so big I wrapped my right hand around it and then my left hand and then my right hand again."

The group was amazed. "What did you do then?" they all asked in unison.


"I loaned him 75.00 of course."

[thedrifter]

"Human Light Bulb"

A Doctor of psycology is making his normal rounds one day and he enters a patient's room.Patient #1 is pretending to saw a piece of wood and Patient #2 is hanging upside down from the cieling. The doctor ask Patient #1 what he is doing and he answers," Can't you see I am sawing some wood?"
Then the doctor asks Patient #1 what Patient #2 is doing. Patient #1 says," Oh, he is my friend and he is slightly crazy. He seems to think he is a light bulb."

The doctor notices his face turning bright red and asks Patient #1," If he is your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 looks up and says," What?!...And work in the dark?"

[thedrifter]

Be honest on this quiz...

How do you get an elephant into a refridgerator?










You open the door, put the elephant in then close the door.










How do you get a girraffe into a refridgerator?










Open the door, take the elephant out, put the girraffe in then close the door.










There is this animal party and all the animals were invited...exept one animal did not come. Witch one was it?










It was the girraffe because it was still in the refridgerator.










There is this river and there is a sign saying no swimming, alligators in river. How do you get across? You cannot go around it, you cannot fly over it and you cannot take a boat across.










You swim across because the alligators are at the animal party.










0 right: Don't worry, the men in the white coats are coming.


1 right: You need some help.


2 right: Get used to saying, "May I take your order please?"


3 right: You're O.K.


4 right: Tell yourself to quit reading books and find some play time.

[thedrifter]

"Skip This"

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"


The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


"From hunger, you mean?"


"No, from skipping."

[thedrifter]

"Now That's What TIME it IS!"

A rather confident man walked into a bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch. The woman noticed and asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No", the man replied, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and wanted to test it out."


The answer intrigued the woman. "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" she asked.


"Well, it uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explained.


"What is it telling you right now?, the woman asked.


"Well, let's see here. It says you're not wearing any underwear." the man offered.


The woman giggled and replied, "Well, I hate to tell you this but it must be broken then, because I am wearing a complete set of undergarmets!"


The man smiled, looked at his watch and said, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[thedrifter]

"A Wife's Revenge"

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things. While he has gone, the first day the she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, the movers collected her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.


When she finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it slowly started. The man could not explain the horrible smell. They tried everything cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steamed cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. The carpets were replaced, and on it went.


Finally, they could take it no longer and decided to move. The moving company did a very professional packing job, taking everyting to their new home including the curtain rods.

[thedrifter]

"Jack ****t"

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says ?You don?t know Jack Schitt?. Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of Knee-deep & Schitte, Inc.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parent?s objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.


Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the ?Schitt-Happens? wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.


So now when someone says, ?You don?t know Jack Schitt?, you can correct them.

[thedrifter]

"Hobbits"

Two hobbits walk into a bar. They see a women sitting at the counter and she takes them back to her hotel room. When they got there, the women takes one of the hobbits into her room. The hobbit outside hears his friend yelling, "I CAN DO IT, I CANT DO IT, I CAN DO IT". The hobbit in the hall though man what are they doing in there. When the other hobbit came out of the hotel room. The one hobbit asked so did you do it. And the other replied no man i couldnt even get on the bed.

[thedrifter]

Never Ask a Gunny!!!

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears."

[thedrifter]

Santa


A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said,"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse
not on top."

[thedrifter]

"Adam vs God"

Adam is in the garden of eden and he says to God "I want something so I wont be alone."
God says "I'll make you a woman. She will **** you and cook for you and clean for you."

Adam interupped and said "um..how much will this cost me?"

God's answer was "an arm and a leg."

Adam said "what will I get for a rib?"

[thedrifter]

"Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.

He was busily unhooking the stereo system when he heard again, "Jesus is watching you!" This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face and as he switched the flashlight on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked around the room and noticed a birdcage in one corner. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar

"Yes I am," said the parrot.

"Why did you say "Jesus is watching you!"

"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.

By this time the burglar was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had scared the living daylights out of him

"What's your name?" asked the burglar

"Moses," says the parrot.

"Ha Ha Ha," laughs the burglar. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

"The same kind that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!" says the parrot.

[thedrifter]

"20 easy steps to cook a turkey"


1. Go and buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whiskey (scotch or bourbon).

3.Put turkey in the oven.

4.Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.

5.Set the degree at 180 ovens.

6.Take three more whiskeys of drink.

7. Turn oven the on.

8. Take four whisks of drinky.

9. Turk the bastey.

10. Whiskey another bottle of get.

11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.

13. Bake the whiskey for four hours.

14. Take the oven out of the turkey.

15. Take the oven out of the turkey.

16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.

17. Turk the carvey.

18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.

19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

[thedrifter]

"Crafty Parents"

An elderly man in Phoenix called his son Bob in New York and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then he hung up.

The son frantically called his sister, who was upset upon hearing the news.


She called her father and yelled, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”


The father hung up the phone, turned to his wife, and said, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

[thedrifter]

"Half Life "

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband.

One day she found a beautifull lamp lying in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp!


The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing, only double!


So, the woman thought of a first wish. "I want to be rich!!!" she said. So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!


The woman thought of a second wish for a moment. "I want to be good looking!!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as handsome.


"Okay", the genie said. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"


The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision. "I want you to scare me HALF to death!!"

[thedrifter]

"Balloons"

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his Mom and said "Mommy, what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer, she changed the subject. The next day Johnny went to his father and said "Daddy, what are those things on Mommy's chest?" The father said "They are balloons. So when Mommy dies, they will inflate and she will float to heaven".

The next day Johnny's father came home early from work. Johnny ran up to his father in a panic. He said "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy's dying." The father shook his head in disbelief and said "What on earth are you talking about Johnny?" then Johnny said "Well Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and Mommy's saying oh God I'm coming!"

[thedrifter]

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside
her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -
noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill
- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

[thedrifter]

Guide to English


THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going
to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to
it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need
to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in
the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
*****************************
THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"
*****************************
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
----------------------------------------------------------
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH:
----------------------------------------------------------
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!

[thedrifter]

Well








An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.



Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.




"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,

"A man is sitting on the well!"

[thedrifter]

The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Red Necks

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You're carrying a Glock .40 and a expert shot. You have mere seconds before the man reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or opressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could he run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Whats the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he is stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Red Neck Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click......... (Sounds of Reloading)

Wife: "Hey Bubba, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Paw, I saw it too......."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click........

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

[thedrifter]

!!!Why A Man Can't Win!!!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy

I

f you work too hard, there is never any time for her..

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.


If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.


If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.


If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.


If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are a fag.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.


If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.


If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.


If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.


If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.


If you want it too often, you are oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

[thedrifter]

"Guy on Beach"

There was a guy laying out on the beach naked and this little gurl comes over so he covers himself with a newspaper she asks him what is under the newspaper he says a bird, later he falls a sleep and wakes up at the hospital in pain, the docter asks him what happened he said all he remembers is a little gurl coming up to him and asking him about his penis so they find the little gurl and she said "i was playing with the bird and it spit at me so i broke its neck, cracked its wings, and lit it's nest on fire"

[thedrifter]

TRUE DIE HARD STEELER FAN!!!!
>

> Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Cowboys fan, a

> Packers

> fan, a Browns fan, and a Steelers fan.

>

> They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them

> was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the

> Cowboys fan proclaimed to the other three..."This is for the Dallas

> Cowboys!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of

> sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Cowboys fan, the Packers fan jumped up

> and said... "This is for the Green Bay Packers!" and then threw himself

> off the mountain again as a form of sacrifice. Refusing to be outdone by

> the Cowboy and Packer fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yelled

> at the top of his lungs

> "This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!" and without any hesitation,

pushed

> the

> Cleveland Browns fan off the mountain.

[thedrifter]

"Ran on the other side"

There was 2 groundhogs on one side of the road and the one groundhog said I bet the grass on that side of the road would be good.
The little groundhog said just wait a minute and dug a hole under the road to the other side. By that time a old woman stop to take a **** right when the groundhog poped up the old woman ****ed on him. He ran to the other side of the road and said you dont want to go over there because it rains so damn hard over there even the birds built there nest upside down.

[thedrifter]

"25 million arabs"

one day a guy walked into a bar and sat down
at a table. he looked over at a booth and saw

President Bush, Collin Powell, and donald

rumsfeld. he walked over to the bar tender

and asked is that "Bush, Powell, and

Rumsfeld?"

"Yes." replied the bartender

"what are they doing?"

"having a beer and planning world war 3"

"What?!?!?!? said the man, "No they aren't."

"go ask them your self!"said the bartender

so he walked over to them and asked if they

were Bush, Powell, and rumsfeld

"Yes Yes we are what can we do for you?"

"what are you doing?"

"Having a beer and planning world war 3!"

"What are you going to do?"

"We are going to kill 25 thousand arabs and

one bycicle repair man."

"WHAT, WHY A BYCICLE REPAIR MAN?"

then powell looked at bush and said "I told

you no one would care if we killed 25 million

[thedrifter]

Darwin Awards are Back!

5th RUNNER-UP
>
> A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 am, the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
>
>
> 4th RUNNER-UP
>
> Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
>
>
> 3rd RUNNER-UP
>
> Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain shot a stag standing above him on
> an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>
>
> 2nd RUNNER-UP
>
> "Man loses face at party" is what the headline read: A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and Stromyer said: 'I'll show you how to set it off.' He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne added. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
>
>
> 1st RUNNER-UP
>
> Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
>
>
> THIS YEAR'S WINNER
>
> The late John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and worse, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse still, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing 30' below atop his friend, killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100' from the truck and dead from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
>
>
> Hearty congratulations gentlemen, you win!

[thedrifter]

Oh To Be A Genie
> >
> >
> >
> >A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
> >wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
> >biggest house adjacent to the course.
> >
> >The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
> >up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
> >is going to cost us."
> >
> >So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
> >voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
> >damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
> >antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
> >
> >A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
> >window?"
> >
> >"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
> >
> >"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
> >I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
> >Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
> >
> >I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
> >one for myself."
> >
> >"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
> >out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
> >
> >"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
> >do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
> >
> >"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
> >
> >"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
> >country in the world," she said.
> >
> >"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
> >from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
> >
> >"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
> >
> >"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
> >woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
> >wife."
> >
> >The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
> >now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
> >
> >She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
> >right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
> >about you honey?"
> >
> >"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same
> >for you!"
> >
> >So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
> >the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
> >about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
> >directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?
> >
> >"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
> >
> >"NO SH*T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
> >genies?"

[thedrifter]

Body Meeting






All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The ***hole is usually in charge.

[thedrifter]

"Airplane Troubles"

The Fist piolet and Second piolet where heading north to Minnesota from Arizona, when the plane experianced some troubles. The Fist piolet tells the Second to check the 4 engines in the back.

The second piolet comes back and replies. "siirrr,num..num...number 1 engine is down." sliring horribly.


"Thats ok we still have 3 and should be fine." Replies the fist. Later on in the flight another engine shuts down and once again the Fist piolet sends the second to see if the other engines are ok.


"Sssirrr...num..num..number 2 and 3 are both dd..dddown." replies the Second piolet.


"well," says the first piolet to the second,"we better get ready to jump."


So they both get on the parashuttes and open the side door.


"you ever jumped before?" asks the First piolet to the second."nn nnoo sssirr".

"ohh, well its very easy.. just jump and count to 3 and pull your cord, ill go first."


So, the Fist piolet jumps out of the air plane and counts to three and pulls the cord. He begains to enjoy the view and is almost aproching 100ft, untell something from above goes shooting past him.


He barley makes out the second piolet.

[thedrifter]

5 More Things Not To Do On A Valentines Date

5. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. Yawn.


4. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.


3. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.


2. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.


1. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

[thedrifter]

Ahh....the art of seduction!!!

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

[thedrifter]

5 Things Not To Do At Dinner On Your Valentine's Day Date

5. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.


4. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make aeroplane sounds.


3. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.


2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.


1. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

[thedrifter]

"The taste test"

A teacher is having a demonstration with his class of grade fours concerning our ability to tell diferent tastes apart. He gives all the kids a red life saver candy and they all tell him it`s cherry. He gives them all a green candy and they tell him it`s lime. He gives them an orange one and they tell him its orange. Finally he gives them a candy that tastes like honey and no-one can tell what it is. The teacher gives them a hint by telling them that it tastes like something their mothers sometimes call their fathers. One small fella stands up quickly and yells "Quick spit it out,I think he gave us something that tastes like ***holes!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.










:banana:

[thedrifter]

Housework was womans work?

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.

Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

[thedrifter]

Onions and Christmas trees

A family is sitting in their living room one night when a young boy
asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the
different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be
normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending
on a woman's age--In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like
melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like
pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind
of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time answers, "Well, daughter,
a man goes through three phases. In a his twenties, a man's penis
is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like
a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"
Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration.

[thedrifter]

Grandma




A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me
feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The
little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and
there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas...

25 things about getting old

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a
one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup
and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going
to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't
apply to you!

[thedrifter]

Show n tell--21st century style--certainly not mid-1950's style !!!!


grammar school teacher from Miami, remembers this
> > Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her
> > students...
> >
> >
> > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I
> > have two kids myself, but the best birth story I
> > know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
> > classroom a few years back.
> >
> > When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
> > have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
> > get over shyness and experience a little public
> > speaking. And it gives me a break and some
> > guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is
> > pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
> > airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
> > that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
> > limitations on them. If they want to lug it to
> > school and talk about it, they're welcome.
> >
> > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very
> > bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and
> > waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
> > stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot
> > of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
> > I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom
> > and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then
> > Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
> > there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella
> > cord."
> >
> > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow,
> > and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
> > camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
> > amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom
> > starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a
> > hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around
> > the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the
> > kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her
> > back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife.
> > She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on
> > the car like the Domino's man."
> >
> > "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
> > Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And
> > then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
> > there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up
> > and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This
> > kid has her legs spread and with her little hands
> > are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
> > "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and
> > breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but
> > never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden,
> > out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff
> > they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there
> > must be a lot of stuff inside there."
> >
> > Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
> > returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
> > loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day,
> > I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica
> > comes along. Life is meant to be lived . . . enjoy!
> >

[thedrifter]

Football


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
>
> They had great seats right behind the bench.
>
> After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
>
> "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants
> and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
> understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
>
> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
>
> "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the
> rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
> "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

[thedrifter]

sent by Jerry.......

one small step

[thedrifter]

willie for prez.......

[Bootneck]

Barclays Directive
Barclay's have recently announced the arrival of the new "Drive Through" ATM, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle. To enable users to utilise this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine.

Male Procedure

Drive up to cash machine
Wind down window
Insert card and enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to be withdrawn
Retrive card, cash and receipt
Wind up window
Drive off

Female Procedure

Drive up to cash machine
Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
Stall engine
Wind down window
Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
Check make-up in rear view mirror
Attempt to insert card into machine
Open door for easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
Insert card
Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN written on it
Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
Retrive cash and receipt
Locate purse and place cash inside
Locate cheque book to file receipt
Check make-up again
Drive forward for 2 metres
Reverse back to machine
Retrieve car
Locate card holder in purse and enter card in slot
Recheck make-up
Restart engine and pull off
Drive for 3 miles
Release Handbrake

:banana:

[thedrifter]

Mayonnaise & Beer


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle and when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.



A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.



So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students, again, if the jar was full. They agreed it was.



The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes”.



The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.



“Now,” said the professors, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions, and God—things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”



“The pebbles are the other things that matter to you, like your job, your house, your car, etc. The sand is everything else—the small stuff.”



“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.”



Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.



One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I am glad you asked. It just goes to show you that, no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers!”

[thedrifter]

Sand Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that-get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[thedrifter]

"Shrink"

There was a little boy who had a cursing problem and his parents wre getting sick of it. The next day his father saw a shrink. The shrink said "Since tomorrow is Christmas ask him what he wants,when he curses whille telling you what he wants place a pile of dog doo in the place of his present".When he got home he asked his son what he wanted for christmas.I want a goddam bear laying by me when I wake-up.When I go downstairs I want a goddam train going around the goddam chrostmas tree and when I go outside I want a goddam bike on the goddam garage door.When he woke up he rolled into a pile a poo.Confused he went down stairs and found another pile. He finnilay went outside and saw a huge pile of poo.His father said so son what did santa bring you "I think he brought me a goddam dog but i can't find the son of a *****!"

[thedrifter]

"Things you can say at Thanksgiving and Get Away With!"

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry - do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

[thedrifter]

"Two Hour Delay"

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen!"

[thedrifter]

"The Tough Texan"

A cowboy rode into a strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.


"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.


No one answered.


"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"


Some of the locals shifted restlessly.


He had a beer, walked outside and discovered that his horse was back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town.


The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . . what happened in Texas?"


The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[thedrifter]

Top 25 Country Classics:
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin'Over
You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This
Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every
Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[thedrifter]

Customer Service

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer
> > > >service, then you will really appreciate this.
> > > >
> > > >My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February
and
> > > >March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and
then
> > > >added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance
had
> > > >been $0.00... now it was somewhere around $60.00.) I placed the
> > > >following phone call to CitiBank:
> > > >
> > > >Me: "I am calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Well, sir, the account was never closed, so the late
fees
> > >and
> > > >charges still apply."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report
> > > >her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "...excuse me .....?"
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Did you get what I was just telling you.... the part about
her
> > > >being dead?"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor
> > >gets
> > > >on the phone)
> > > >
> > > >Me: ''I'm calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges
> > > >still apply."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
> > > >
> > > >Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info is given.)
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
> > > >( After they get the fax. )
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Oh..."
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep
> > > >billing her...I suppose...I don't really think she will
care...."
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
> > > >
> > > >Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Yes, that might help."
> > > >
> > > >Me: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 2450 Hwy 129, Plot #189..
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
> > > >
> > > >Me: "Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
> > > >
> > > >CitiBank: (Click!)
> > > >

[thedrifter]

"SOUTHERN CHARM"

This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge, about to jump off. She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump; think of your Mom and Dad."

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm gonna jump."


She said, "Well think of your wife and kids."


He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."


She said, "Well think of Robert E. Lee."


He replied, "Who is Robert E. Lee?"


She replied, "Well just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!"

[thedrifter]

TINY BIKINI

16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

[thedrifter]

^^^I'm tired^^^^

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure

from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, Leaving 19

million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Then we have the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city

governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me and there you are, sitting on your ass at your computer reading

jokes.

[thedrifter]

"Cajun Life"

Down in southern Louisiana lived a man named Thibideaux, who was deeply in love with Marie.
For years Thib has been asking Marie to marry him, and Marie always refused.


Finally, after a night of dancing and drinking, Thib again asked Marie to marry him.


Marie told him that she would sleep on it tonight and give him an answer in the morning.


Ol' Thibideaux didn't sleep at all that night with excitement and was knocking on Marie's door early the next morning.


When Marie sleeply answered the door, Thib wanted to know her decision.


Marie told Thib she thought about it all night and would agree to the marriage him under three conditions.


Thibideaux was so excited, he told Marie he would agree to anything.


Marie said, "Well Thib, you gotta put a water heater in your house...a woman cannot bathe in cold water."


Ol' Thib hung his head and said, "What else."


Marie says, "And Thib, you always picking your nose, a woman can't be with her man when he always has his finger in his nose."


Ol' Thib hung his head again and says, "What else."


Marie tells Thibideaux, "Well Thib, it's a woman kind of thing, but every once in a while, a woman likes to get on top."


Thibideaux hung his head and tells Marie, "My poor old daddy gave me the same advice all my life.


First, he told me to always stay out of hot water.


Second, he told me to always keep my nose clean.


But most of all, my daddy told me to never


**** Up....."

[thedrifter]

"Didn,t Want To Go Hunting Either"

Frank goes up to his wife one day and asks if she wants to go hunting. She replies no. Frank gives her a chose, go hunting or get screwed in her butt. She replies would you like oral sex instead. He agreed. She starts to proceed with oral sex then stops, looks at her husband and said your tool tastes like ****. Frank replies I forgot to tell the dog did not want to go hunting either...

[thedrifter]

"Shipwrecked"

A man, shipwrecked on an island for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship," he thinks.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.


She approaches the stunned fellow and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?""Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"


She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"Trembling, he replies, "Little more than ten years!"She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask,

and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"


Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"


The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[thedrifter]

"Camels"

Sadam Husan and Asama Benladon are riding through the dessert on a camel. They ride by a station and a guy goes look at those two *******s on the camel.

Later on in the dessert Sadm Gought off the camel and staaed at his ass and Asama said "what are you doing" and Sadam replies" thye mann at the station said that there were two *******s on this camel and I don't see the second one.

[thedrifter]

"Pompous Rooster"

One day a farmer decided to buy a new rooster. He brought it home and put it with the hens and old rooster and told them to not fight. So, after the farmer leaves the young rooster taunts the older rooster. Sick and tired of the bold little rooster talking trash the older rooster says that he will race him for all the hens. Finally, after laughing the young rooster agrees to race him around the chicken coop. The young rooster sayed he would even give the elderly chump a half lap lead. So, they finally start the five lap race. The first lap the old rooster was way ahead. The second lap the young rooster was catching up. The third lap the older roosters lead was very close. The fourth lap the young rooster was only a hens length from the older rooster. Hearing a bunch of noise on the last lap the farmer comes out and shoots the young rooster and shouts, Damn that was the third gay rooster today!

[thedrifter]

"Big Pink Gorilla! "

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car breaks down.

He sees a gas station about 5 minutes away, so he pushes his car to the gas station. Six hours and lots of money later, the man's car is fixed, but night is falling. The man asks the mechanic, "Hey, where is the nearest hotel?"


The mechanic replies, "No hotel here, but about 100 miles down the road you'll see there's a room under the cactus there. But what ever you do don't touch the big pink gorilla."


The man drives to the cactus. He opens a door and shuts it behind him, finds another door and shuts it behind him, then he finds a third door and shuts it behind him.


Lo and behold he sees a big pink gorilla in the room. The gorilla is docile and looks so cute and soft he's dying to touch it. He can't help himself. He walks over to the cage and starts trying to touch him through the bars.


As soon as the man lays a finger on him, the big pink gorilla freaks out. He beats his chest and rips his cage door clean off.


The man runs for his life. He opens the first door, slams it behind him. Opens the second door, slams it behind him. The man hear a crash as he opens the third door and slams it behind him.


The man hears a roar. He runs to the car, opens the door and shuts it. He locks all the doors and starts the car, as he sees the big pink gorilla racing towards him.


The big pink gorilla rips the car door off his car.The man thinks he's going to faint.


The gorilla pokes the guy and says, "Tag you're it!"

[thedrifter]

"Dad and Body-Challenged Son"

A man seats himself at the bar, then pulls out the stool beside him. "Expectin' somebody?", the bartender asks. "My son", says the man. "He's had a rough childhood, what with his problem and all, but tonite we're here to celebrate. It's his 21st birthday."

Just then to the bartender's amazement, up onto the stool pops what appeared to be just a boy's head. "Born that way" the man whispers as he leans forward. Bartender says "His first beer's on me" and offers one up.


The man holds the mug to the head's lips, and the head chugs down the beer. Suddenly, the head shakes, then out from below his chin pops a neck and two arms.


"It's a miracle!!" shouts the man. "Quick, give him another beer!" Bartender does, boy grabs it this time and chugs it down. Sure enough, a torso sprouts down from his neck and arms.


"My son... another beer!", he chugs it down, and out pops a right leg. Now delirious the man says "I can't believe it. The boy almost has a whole body! ONE MORE BEER!!" The boy chugs it down, and POP!, the boy disappears completely. "What the-" the man starts.


The bartender shrugs and says "I guess he should've quit while he was ahead..."

[thedrifter]

"TOO DRUNK"

proceed to have a few drinks, after 3 hours one guy says he better get home or his wife will kill him. his buddy talks him in to staying for a few more drinks. 2 hours later

he's completed wasted, spent most of his pay check and thrown up on himself, his buddy says "put $20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife someone else threw up on you and gave you money to have it cleaned." he stays for 2 more hours at the bar. when he finally gets home his wife is ****ed and starts yelling about him spending all the money, not coming home after work and throwning up on himself. he tells her "somebody else threw up on me & gave me $20 to have my shirt cleaned, the money is in my shirt pocket"

she looks in the pocket and says "you're so drunk, look there's $40 in here."

he says "oh i forgot, he **** my pants too"

[thedrifter]

"Loaded Gun"

A man has a date with a beautiful blonde women and wants it to be perfect. He wants to look his best so he goes to the roof of his apartment to tan. He decideds to tan in the nude but falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that his penis is sun burned. Quickly he goes online to find out how to stop the burning. He finds a site that says if you put it in milk it will stop the burning. Hetries it and it works. The blonde comes to his house for dinner and everything is going great. Then, all of suden during dessert his penis starts to burn again. He excuses himself to the kitchen and pours a nice tall glass of milk and puts his penis in it. Suddenly the blonde walks in and sees him. Stunned she says "So that's how you load those things."

[thedrifter]

"Island"

There were three blondes that were stuck on an island. They were trying to think of a way to get back, when the first stumbled upon a magic lamp. She asked what to do with it, and the second blonde told her to rub it. So she did. A magic genie appeared and said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished that she was the strongest woman in the world. Instantly, her wish was granted. She then swam back to shore. The second blonde only cared about her appearance, and then wished that she was a brunette. Her wish was granted, and she took the bridge. The third blonde saw that she was all alone, and wished that she had her friends back.

[thedrifter]

MORNING POEM

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window

And crushed his ****ing head.

I'm not a morning person.

[thedrifter]

"the boat"

a man and his wife went down to their cottage for the weekend. while they were down there the woman asked the man to go down to the store. the husband liked fishing so he had brought the boat down to the cottage. the wife was reading and decided to go out on the lake in the boat.while she was out on the lake a police man came by and asked for her fishing liscence. she explained to him that she didn't have a fishind liscence because it wasn't her boat and equiptment but her husbands. the police man explained to the woman he would have to arrest her. why replied the woman because you have all the equiptment but no liscence. the woman answered if you arrest me i'll file a complaint for rape. why i haven't done anything said the police man. yes but you have all the equiptment!!

[thedrifter]

"The Canadian, Uncle Sam, and Osama Bin Ladin"

A canadian uncle sam and osama bin ladin are walking through the desert one day andsee a lamp. They all leap for it and rub it . Then a genie comes out and says i can grant each one of you a wish. He goes to the canadian first and says what do you wish for. He thinks and says well canadians have lived off fertile land maybe all these years but i want it to be fertile the rest of the earths days. So the genies says DONE.
Then he asks osama bin ladin what he wants and he says i want a 2mile think wall allthe way around afganistan with no way in or out. That way if any one comes over we will shoot them way before they get over.So the genie says Done.

The uncle sam says there is no way in or out right , so the genie says right. Unlce sam thinks hard and comes bak and says FILL IT WITH WATER.

[thedrifter]

"Bird Dog"

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that ****".

[leroy8541]

A teacher asks her students if they are Yankees fans.
One of them says, “No, my Dad is a Red Sox fan, my Mom is a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.”
So the teacher says, “Well, that’s not very good; if your mother and father were both morons, would that make you a moron too?”
“No, that would make me a New York Yankees fan.”

[thedrifter]

"Something's Brewing"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long for us to get our coffee".


The husband quickly responded, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, plus I have no problem waiting for my coffee".


"No you should do it, and besides it states in the Bible that the man should make the coffee." the wife explained.


"I can't believe that, show me." demanded the husband.


So she grabbed the Bible, opened up the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, were it said ...


"HEBREWS"

[thedrifter]

"quotes and quips"

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.


Conciousness is that annoying time between naps.


Mornings should not begin until after noon.


Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.


He who goes looking for trouble usually finds it.


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


A little nonsense now and then is relished by even the wisest man.

[thedrifter]

"Senior Style"


Forgotten Romance

An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.


She says, "You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand".


Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.


A few moments later she says, "After that, you used to kiss me softly".


Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.


Thirty seconds later she says, "Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck".


Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.


"Where are you going?" she asks.


"To get my teeth!"

[thedrifter]

Ode To Betty Crocker


I'm in love with Betty Crocker.

She's a hot and tempting dish,

With her sassy little hairdo

And a smile that's just delish!




She's the woman of my fantasies.

I've known it from the start.

She took the quickest short cut

Through my stomach to my heart!


How I yearn to taste her cupcakes!

It would thrill my very soul

Just to nibble on her sticky buns

And lick her batter bowl!


Now, I'm fond of Aunt Jemima.

Mrs. Butterworth is fine.

I was hot for Little Debbie

At the age of eight or nine.


But Betty is my one true love,

My passion, my ideal.

I thought I'd been in love before,

But this time it's for real!

[thedrifter]

Message To The Aliens

One day the N.A.S.A. scientists and the astronauts were having exercise somewhere in the Middle America. They were practicing the expedition to Mars. This surrounding has been chosen because the ground looked similar to Mars' surface. Soon they got a company. An old Indian man was looking at them and he seemed to be very interesting in what they were doing. He asked them in his bad English, "What is going on in here?" They explained him all about their expedition to Mars. They also said that there is a possibility that they will discover a new life form there. An old Indian seemed pretty excited and delighted. His next question was, "Could you guys give my message to the aliens, if you will meet them by coincidence?" The group from N.A.S.A. liked it very much. The idea about sending a message from this old Indian man to unknown aliens was amusing and worth trying. So the man spoke a few words in Indian language (because his English was too poor) and the message was recorded on the tape. But because the guys from N.A.S.A. were a bit in a hurry they forgot to asked him what was the meaning of the message. This was not so small problem, since no one at N.A.S.A. knew Indian language. The next week the leader of the group was trying very hard to find someone to translate the message. At first he wasn't successful, but when he finally found someone, the meaning of the message was discovered. The message was, "Beware of these guys! They came only to steal your land!"

[thedrifter]

Don't Mess With Texas



A Texan walks into a bar and is joined by two Mexicans

at the bar.

The first Mexican orders a bottle of Mezcal

and takes a long pull. He then throws the bottle in the

air, whips out his pistol and shoots the bottle. "Don't

worry - we got plenty of Mezcal in Mexico", he exclaims.

The other Mexican orders a bottle of Tequila. After a big

drink, he, too throws the bottle in the air and shoots it.

"Hell, we got plenty of Tequila in Mexico, too!"

The Texan ordered a beer which he downed in one gulp.

Then he pulled his pistol and shot both of the Mexicans.

"We damn sure got plenty of Mexicans in Texas!"

[thedrifter]

"Logical Nuns"


Two nuns left the convent one day for a walk. One is known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other as Sister Logical (SL). When it started to get dark, they were still far away from the convent....

SM: Have you noticed that a man's been following us for the past 38 1/2 minutes? I wonder what he wants?


SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.


SM: Oh, no! At this rate he'll reach us in 15 minutes! What should we do?!


SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.


SM: It's not working....


SL: Of course it's not working.... The man did the only logical thing.He started to walk faster, too.


SM: So what shall we do NOW?! At this rate he'll reach us in one minute!


SL: The only logical thing to do is to split up. You go that way,and I'll go this way. He can't follow us both....

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Sister Logical then arrives.


SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you're here! Tell me what happened!


SL: The only thing logically possible happened.... He couldn't follow us both, so he followed ME....


SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?!


SL: The logical thing happened.... I started to run as fast as I could, and he started to run as fast as HE could....


SM: And....?!


SL: The logical thing happened.... He reached me....


SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!


SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up!


SM: Oh, Sister! What did HE do?!


SL: The only logical thing TO do.... He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?! SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down....! (And those of you who thought it was going to be dirty, say two Hail Marys and drop a few coins in the box..for the needy).

[Phantom Blooper]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where her face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they wouldn’t be able to graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So he offered to donate some of his own skin.
However the only skin that the doctor felt that was usable was the skin from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would never tell anyone where the skin came from, and also requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I’ll get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
:banana:

[Bootneck]

St Peter and God were discussing why he had made Scotland so beautiful, look at the beautiful Lochs, the Mountains, the Glens full of deer and wild birds, why have the Scots been so lucky St Peter asks, well says God look at the down side, see who they have as neighbours.

[thedrifter]

"want to have a baby"


There was a man and woman in there 70's wanting to have a baby, they figured if anything happend to them their oldest daughter could take care of it. So they went to the Dr. and told him so he went ahead and told them he needed a sperm sample. They went home and the man tried with his right hand, his left hand, called his wife in and she tried with her right hand, her left hand, her teeth in, her teeth out, they tried everything they could think of and they could not get the lid off the sample cup. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[thedrifter]

"The Rightous Fortune Teller"


One day at this fortune teller's tent, three ladies came in, each has a son or a daughter with them. and asked for proof that the fortune teller was real, (out of curiosity) so the first lady sits down, and shes a pretty big lady, anyways, she sits down, the fortune teller looks at her and then her daughter. "You, miss, you like food so much, you decided to name your daughter, Candy"...the lady gasped, got up... and ran away from the tent.
The second lady wasn't fooled,"lucky guess" she thought, and she sat down. The fortune teller looked at her and then her daughter "I know you, you like money so much, you named your daughter Penny." The lady grabbed her daughter and ran out of the tent, frightened.

The third lady had a son, and not wasting any time, she started running out of the tent saying "Come Dick, lets go."

[thedrifter]

GOLF GENIE.....

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about

to tee off

on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful

homes. The wife hit her

shot and the ball began to slice -

her shot was headed directly at a very

large plate glass

window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through

the

window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled

to see what damage was done and drove

off to see what happened. When they

peeked inside the house,

they found no one there. The husband called out

and no one

answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small

gentleman

sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man,

"Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window,

knocked

over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little

bottle.

I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh,

why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant

you two wishes, and

the third I will keep for myself," the

man replied.

The husband and wife

agreed on two wishes - one was for a

scratch handicap for the husband,

to which the wife

readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000

per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie

now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my

way with your wife. I have

not been with a woman for many

years, and after all, I made you a scratch

golfer and a

millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie

and wife were finished, the genie asked the

wife, "How long have you been

married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked,

"How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The

genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this

genie crap?"

[thedrifter]

My Lament


Here Sit in a cloud of gas


A putrid cloud coming out my ass


-I sit and contemplate my dink


Wile engulfed in a putrid stink


-Don't know what I ate last night


To make my ******* so dry and tight


-I sit here and grunt a bit


Trying hard to Take a ****


-Don't know what went wrong


As I Sit and stare at my tiny dong


-I sit and wiggle my ass about


But the dammed turd just won't come out


-My bowels are tight and I'm not right


It kept me up half the night


-I'd try to work out with my pen


But it would only get stuck again


-Some people come here to **** and stink


But I like to sit here and pull my dink


-While others go out to party and rock


I just sit her and pull my cock


-I guess that's the sum of my life


When it comes to my ass


There's always strife

[thedrifter]

A Lot Of Nerve!!!!!!


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the *******?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a ****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[thedrifter]

"kalamazoo"


late one night, a burglar breaks into a home. he is looking around for valuables to steal when he hears a voice say "jesus is watching you", alarmed, the burglar cautiously looks around for the owners of the home. not finding anyone, he continues his search for booty. again, he hears a voice say "jesus is watching you!" immediately, the burglar honed in where the voice came from, and walked over to a bird cage. the burglar raised the vail from the bird cage. looking at the bird, the burglar asked the bird "what is your name?" the bird replies "kalamazoo", the burglar says "what kind of idoit would name a bird kalamazoo?" the bird replies "the same idoits that named a doberman jesus"...............

[thedrifter]

Karate Chop


There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking

his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden

this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks

him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on

the stool and starts drinking again when all of a

sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down

AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up,

brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he

returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind

the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude

off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When

he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears

[thedrifter]

15 Things the '98 in Windows '98 Stands For

The number of floppies it will ship on.


The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.


The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.


The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.


The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new version.


The number of minutes to install.


The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.


The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.


The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.


The year it was due to ship.


The 98 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.


Bill Gates' age when it ships.


The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.


The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.


The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date

[thedrifter]

"the magic mirror"



A blonde went into an antique shop and bought a mirror. when she got home she noticed the notice on the back, it read-if you tell a lie infront of this mirror it will suck you inside and never let you out again. after reading this the blonde called her friends over to look at it. the first friend looked into the mirror and said." I look fat..." SHUM the mirror swallowed her up. The second friend looked into the mirror and said," I would look great if i would wear make-up from now on..." SHUM the mirror swallowed her up, too. Now the blonde,realizing the notice tells the truth, stood infront of the mirror and said,"I think..." SHUM the mirror sucked her up as well.

[thedrifter]

"A true story... Ice fishing in Minnesota"


Honest to gosh this is true...This last January in Minnesota three men decide to go ice fishing on a local lake. One of the fellows takes along his Golden Retreiver.theygetto the lake it is totally frozen over and they drive the fellows truck out to the desired fishing location and note the lake is frozen too a much greater extent then they expected. After extensive augering and picking away at the ice for some time they are dismayed to see that all of their efforts have had little effect. Frustrated, the owner of the truck and the dog pulls out some dynamite he has brought along for just such a situation. He backs the truck some distance from the desired hole sight and standing behind the truck, lights the fuse on the dynamite and chucks it towards the desired sight. To his dismay the Golder Retriever darts off and picks up the stick of dynamite and starts trotting back towards the men and the truck. The men yell at the dog to drop the dynamite, but to no avail. They start running away, but the dog passes the truck and continues to close the distance to the men, the dynamite still burning away in his mouth. This being Minnesota and all, one of the guys pulls out a pistol he has brought along and starts blasting away at the dog as a last resort. He misses repeatedly, but not before convincing the dog that his pursuit is not such a good idea. The dog then turns tail and runs to shelter under the truck...To this date no trace of the truck or the dog has been found in the bottom of the lake.

[thedrifter]

"Haunted hotel"


Theres these three guys who walk into a hotel and ask for three different rooms. The clerk says ok but some people say this place is haunted by a ghosts. Ahh who cares we want some sleep, replied one of them.

so they all got different rooms. the first guy is unpacking his stuff when this ghosts comes ans says I'm the ghost of lambourgigi I'll cut of your balls and eat your wenie.

he eats his penis and goes away.


The next guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says I'm the ghost of lambourgini I'll cut off your balls and eat your winie. And he does it and leaves.


the last guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says I'm the ghost of lambourgini I'll cut off your balls and eat your winie. the guy replies , well Im the ghost of christmas past touch my balls i kick your ass!!

[thedrifter]

"Duck Huntin"


A man was out duck hunting when a cop came drove by and asked him for his ID.
Okay said the hunter.

The cop then grabbed one of the ducks, stuck his finger up the ducks ass, and asked him if he had a liscence to own a California duck.

The man showed him the liscence.

The cop took another ducks ass and shoved his finger up it. He asked the hunter if he had a liscence to hunt Florida duck.

The man showed him his liscence.

The cop finally took the last duck, shoved his finger up the duck's butt and asked him if he had a liscence to hunt Louisiana duck.

The man showed him the liscence.

The cop calmed down and started to relax. "So, where u from?" the cop asked.

The man bent over. "You tell me," he said.

[thedrifter]

"phones"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd had just rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.


Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear

the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend

he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant

commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,


"Can I help you?"


"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the
>middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
>Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and
>catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even
>react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride!
>Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
>
>Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more
>uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity
>not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
>daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts
>moaning and gasping.
>
>Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the
>part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!"
>

[thedrifter]

Playing Through



Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of
the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm
not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful
Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's
that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.......He's naked
as well! The *****!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat
rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my
wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the
neighbor, he's a friend of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here

[thedrifter]

The Cowboy
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."

[thedrifter]

Admiral Talk


A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied."Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

[thedrifter]

Finally, the guys side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[thedrifter]

Idiots on parade

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.

When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.

He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).



IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."



IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"



IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Now don't you feel better?!!!

[thedrifter]

TWISTED DISNEY
-----------------------

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m.
Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella
agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me
his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or
other...."

[Phantom Blooper]

First Grade Proverbs: A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the... bug is close. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of... termites. You can lead a horse to water but... how? Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. No news is... impossible. You can't teach an old dog... math.

[Phantom Blooper]

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your
throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus,
reducing the pressure in your veins.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose
of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb
with a hammer, then you will forget about the
toothache.

Sometimes, We Just Need To Remember What
The Rules Of Life Really Are................

You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40;
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

The five (5) most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are,:
"I apologize," and "You are right."

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you
get to know them!

If you woke up breathing, Congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, Be really nice to your family and
friends. You never know when you will need
them to empty your bedpan!













:banana: :banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

> A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down
the street when a masked
> robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times
in the stomach.
> Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided
to leave the bullets in
> because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy
> daughters and a healthy son.
> All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter
walked into the room
> in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I
was taking a tinkle and
> this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The
mother told her it was
> okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
> About a week later the second daughter walked
into the room in tears.
> "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came
out." Again the mother
> told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
> A week later her son walked into the room in
tears. "It's okay" said
> the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking
a tinkle and a bullet
> came out."
> "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself
and I shot the dog..."

[thedrifter]

"Shot in the heart"

Mary was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
?On a woman,? the doctor said, ?the heart would be just below your left breast.? Later that night, Mildred was found in the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[thedrifter]

"golf lessons"

a woman has had 105 golf lessons and the golf pro said " mrs davis you have had 105 golf lessons and you still cant hit the ball straight" now think of the golf club as a tool! think of it as your husbands penis.
she hit the ball 285 yrds straight down the middle of the course.

the golf pro shouts "mrs davis marvellous, bloody marvellous" now take the club out your mouth

[thedrifter]

"The Paint Contractor"

A cheating painting contractor has been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Neverthless, he lands a major job painting a church. He's almost done when a major storm comes up. It washes all the paint off. Midst the thunder and lightening, a loud voice is heard, REPAINT, REPAINT, THIN NO MORE!

[thedrifter]

"Jonah"

A teacher was discussing whales to her class and stated that although a whale is real big it can't really swallow a man.

A little girl stood up and said'"The Bible says that a whale swallowed Jonah."


The teacher states again that there is no way that could be true because a whale can not swallow a man.


The little girls says, "Well when I get to heaven, I am going to ask Jonah."


The teacher asks, "Well what if Jonah went to Hell?"


The little girl smiles and says, "Then you can ask him."

[thedrifter]

"Little red man"

One day there was a little red man that lived in a little red house with a little red door. The little red man heard a knock on the door so he grabed his little red towel.When he got to the door there was this lady who was going to ask him to buy something , but then his little red towel feel off the little red man and the lady got such a freight she ran across the road and a car hit her....

What is the moral of this story....


Don't run across the road when the little red man is flashing

[thedrifter]

"the hunters"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ¡§My friend is dead! What can I do?¡¨ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ¡§Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.¡¨ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ¡ OK, now what?"

[thedrifter]

"WISH"

Three men were running from a horribe monster suddenly they came to a cliff and they didn't know what they were gong to do then all of a sudden a genie poped up and said you each get one wish what ever you say as you jump of the cliff is what you'll become so the first man jumped off and said eagle and flew away the second man jumped off and said hawk and flew away and as the third man was running he tripped over a rock and yelled "HOLY ****".

[thedrifter]

"Professer Wagstein"

Student 1-I've got Professer Wagstein for history. He makes the Revolutionary War so interesting.

Student 2-Probably because he was there!


Student 1-Shoot, he's way older than that! I heard that his Grandfather's best friend was Jesus!


Student 2-That's nothing. I heard that he rode a Stegosaurus to college every day!


Student 1-Ha! His childhood home was located on Mordor sreet in Middle Earth. His best friend was Saruman!

(I'm a Lord of the Rings Fanatic!)

[thedrifter]

5th grade Ebonics homework
>
> Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics
homework
> assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.*
>
> 1. Hotel
> I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
>
> 2. Dictate
> My girfriend say my dictate good.
>
> 3. Catacomb
> I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that
> catacomb.
>
> 4. Foreclose
> If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
>
> 5. Rectum
> I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both.
>
> > 6. Disappointment
> My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send
me
> back
> to the joint.
>
> 7. Penis
> I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
>
> 8. Israel
>
> Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
> "Bull****, that watch israel".
>
> 9. Undermine
> There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
>
> 10. Acoustic
> When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the
> poolhall.
>
> 11. Iraq
> When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
>
> 12. Stain
> My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain
for
> dinner?"
>
> 13. Fortify
> I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
>
> 14. Income
> I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

[thedrifter]

A-Hiking We Will Go.....

Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."

[thedrifter]

Absent-Minded Lawyers


Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District
of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he
cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause
of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency
room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."
Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the
hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short
time later."
Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was
not involved with the patient initially."
Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency
room."
Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."
Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him
dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at
that time?"
Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and
that was the cause of death."
Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to
examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that
right?"
Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him
dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is
in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the
patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW
SOMEWHERE!!"

[thedrifter]

Abstract Noun

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

[thedrifter]

Accents


About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

[thedrifter]

Actors


Two actors that haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.
1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?
2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: That's great!
#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.
#1: That's wonderful!
#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

[thedrifter]

Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However it does have:

1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which
it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities,
and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best
maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how. Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to date are not promising.

[thedrifter]

Admiring Glances

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

[thedrifter]

Admittance to Heaven

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.

"My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"

[thedrifter]

Advertising Lingo


NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

[thedrifter]

Advertising Lingo 2


Another installment aimed at helping understand advertising lingo.

"A number of different approaches are being tried."
(We are still grasping at straws.)

"Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured."
(We are so far behind schedule the customer should be happy
just to get it delivered.)

"Test results were extremely gratifying."
(We were so surprised that the stupid thing worked.)

"The entire concept will have to be abandoned."
(The only person who understood the thing, quit.)

"We'll look into it."
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

"Please read and initial."
(Let's spread the responsibility around for the mistakes.)

"Rugged."
(Too heavy to lift!)

"Lightweight."
(Lighter than rugged.)

"Energy saving."
(When the power switch is off.)

[thedrifter]

Addicted to Coffee

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands
to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

[thedrifter]

Adopted?

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

[thedrifter]

Aeronautical Engineer

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," he said, "the Prime minister of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval -- go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain -- they broke clean off of the fuselage! Luckily the test pilot parachuted to safety.

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -- the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to pray... to ask God where he had gone wrong.

The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice ... but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And... it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"

[thedrifter]

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

[thedrifter]

After Surgery

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

[thedrifter]

After-Thanksgiving Poem

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!

[thedrifter]

Age Barometer

How many of these do you remember? (No right or wrong answers, just a measure of how old you are and what you remember).


Blackjack and Beeman's gum
Powerhouse candy bars
Licorice records
Wax teeth, lips and mustaches
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy lipstick
Candy cigarettes
Fizzies
Soda pop machines that dispense bottles
Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans
Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels
Party lines
Rotary phones
Drive-ins with car hops
Sock hops
Winter rubber boots with metal latches
Coonskin caps
P.F. Flyers
Angora sweaters
Bouffant hairdos
Spoolies
Hair dryers with plastic caps
Butch wax
Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts
Tin-can telephones
Peashooters
Cork popguns
Roll of cap-gun caps
Howdy Doody puppets
Beanie and Cecil dolls
Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skate keys
S & H green stamps and Plaid stamps
Metal lunchboxes
Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen
Crystal radios
Console hi-fi's with 78's
45-rpm records
Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines
Slide rules
Levered metal ice trays
Mimeograph paper
Carbon paper
Flash bulbs
Eight-track tape decks
8mm Home movie cameras
Dick and Jane readers

[thedrifter]

Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

[thedrifter]

Agri-cows


How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows.


NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

[thedrifter]

Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Air Traffic Control

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high... San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

[thedrifter]

Agriculture Subsidy

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

[thedrifter]

Air Traffic (out of) Control

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Phantom Blooper]

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From:

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK

*

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

*

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

*

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

*

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA

*

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

*

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS











:banana:

[thedrifter]

Accountant and the Mouth Piece

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with
his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The
Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from
me?"

The attorney interrupts, "sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand
you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney,
using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The
attorney interprets to the Godfather, " He doesn't know what you're talking
about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the
accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money
is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind
the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The
attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts
to pull the trigger."

[thedrifter]

Air Force Recruiter

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"