Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Comparing Pubs
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar
called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so
much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to
me sister.

[thedrifter]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his
way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it
will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell
her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her date
went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not
let him disgrace the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top
of him and disgraced his family!"

[Mudwalker]

If Bin Laden and Sadam were fat chicks then Clinton would have nailed them years ago!

[thedrifter]

"Horse Sense"

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.


The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.


The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."


On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.


The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.


The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

[thedrifter]

"3 Bulls"

One day there were two bulls talking to each other in the pasture. The Young bull looks at the older bulls and asks, " Did you here the farmer is getting another bull?"
This upsets the older bull. " Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!"

The younger one thinks a minute. " Well I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it."

Just then the farmer pulls up and unloads the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. The older bull says," Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants."

The younger one starts stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looks at him in amazement. " Are you nuts? A few cows aren't worth your life."

"Cows hell," the younger one shouts. "He can have all my cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I'm not one of them."

[thedrifter]

"good looking wife"

a man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

[thedrifter]

"Nice Bartender"

This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.

About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."

[thedrifter]

"never argue w/a blonde"

A blounde went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The blond liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The blonde liked to read.
One morning the blonde returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the blonde decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.


Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.


"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the

blonde

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.


"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think

[thedrifter]

"dumb men"

Man says to god, god why did you make blondes so beautiful?
God says so you would love her!

Man says god why did you make blondes so stupid?

God says so she would love you!

[thedrifter]

"Learning to Observe"

A college professor was starting the new year with a lesson on observation. He walked into his class room holding a clear glass filled with a yellow liquid. He said," This is a glass of urine," all of his students had disgusted looks on their faces."Observe what I do and as I pass the glass around, do what I did." He stuck in his finger, pulled it out and put it in his mouth. All the students looked horrified. But, one by one, they each stuck in their finger and licked it. After everyone was finished, the proffesor said," If you had observed closely, i put in my index finger and licked my middle finger."

[thedrifter]

"tackle box"

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, "I need a vacation. I'm too stressed out. I think I'll go fishing for the weekend."
"Okay," she says. "I'll pack for you."

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, "Wow, I feel a lot better now!"

"How did I pack?" the wife asks.

"You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas," he replies.

"No I didn't," she says. "I didn't have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box!"

[thedrifter]

"BLACK FISHEN"

ONCE THEIR WAS A BLACK WOMEN FISHEN AND SHE WAS CASTING OUT CATCHING ONE EVER TIME. THEN THIS WHIT COUPLE PULLED UP AND THEY WASN'T CATCHING NOTHING. SO THEY WENT OVER AND ASKED THE BLACK LADY HOW SHE WAS CATCHING ALL THESE FISH. SHE WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING SHE LOOKS UNDER THE COVERS AND WHEN HER HUSBAND PEACKER LEANS TO THE RIGHT I CAST TO THE RIGHT WHEN LEANING TO THE LEFT I CAST TO THE LEFT. WHEN IT IS STANDING STRAIGHT UP THER ISN'T NO TIME FOR FISHING.

[thedrifter]

"mop bucket"

there was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, he'll be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket

[thedrifter]

"Defect Genie"

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender "If I show you the neatest thing you've ever seen will you give me a free beer?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but I've got to warn you I've seen a LOT of things in my time."

"Yeah, but you've never seen anything like this!" says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, "He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,"

The bartender is mightily impressed.

"That IS the neatest thing I've ever seen. Where did you get him?"

"Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,"

"Do you think I could have a wish too?" the barman asks.

"Sure," says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says "I wish for a million bucks!" POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, they're everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, "Why didn't you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?"

"Yep, hard of hearing. I didn't ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either"

[thedrifter]

"the flea and the genie "

there was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pube's (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!

[thedrifter]

"Two hunting bats"

Two bats were out one night looking for blood, but after a few hours of unsuccessful huntingthey decided to go home.In the wee hours of the morning, one of the bats was so hungry he had to go out hunting again.An hour later he came back all covered in blood.
'Where did you get that blood ?'said the other bat, full of enevy.

'Come and I'll show you.'So out they went into the night.

'See that tree over there?'said the bat covered in blood.

'Yeah.'

'Well I didn't!'

[thedrifter]

"Shooting Cans"

An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner,
"I need a big gun to shoot cans." The owner replies,

"How about this small rifle?" She says,"No these are really big cans."

"Well how about this medium sized rifle?" She says,

"No this are really big cans." Finally, frustrated, the owner says,

"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"

She replies, "Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"

[thedrifter]

"Superman and Wonderwoman"

One day superman is flynig over a city and he sees Wonderwoman sleeping on top of a bulding nude. Superman says to himself" I'm faster than a speeding bullet i can do her like that!" So he goes down and does her and then flys away. 5 minutes later Wonderwoman wakes up and says " What happened?" Invisible Boy says "i dont know but my ass hurts"

[thedrifter]

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

[thedrifter]

"The Bullfighter"

one day a man went to a restaurant in Spain, and he ordered the special of the day.
He ate the round lumps and they were delicious. Then he asked the waitor what they were.

The waiter replied "Bulls Testicles - the bull was killed in a bullfight this morning"

The man was slightly surprised but he still thought they tasted nice.


The next day the man went back to the restaurant and ordered the same thing.

This time however the testicles were much smaller. He asked the waiter why was this?

The waiter replied:

"Well, sir, the bull does not always lose!!"

[thedrifter]

"Government worker"

Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill, with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labour-as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
"Kowalski" he says "why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction"

Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:

"Sir" he whispers, his throat feeling worse "please slow down, there's a Government crew up ahead"

"Okay" the guy whispers back "I'll try not to wake them"

[thedrifter]

"Make the Pie Higher"

(This poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush. It was compiled and arranged by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.)


I think we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen

And uncertainty

And potential mental losses.


Rarely is the question asked

Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the internet

Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?


They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish

Can coexist.


Families is where our nation finds hope

Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher!

Make the pie higher!

[thedrifter]

"DON'T MESS WITH THIS LADY"

A FLIGHT ATTENDANT was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

[thedrifter]

"speeding granny"

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies would say "Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers liscense." Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her "Slow down" With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing "Oh no, not the breathalizer again!!!"

[thedrifter]

"A irish persons first baseball game"

A Irish person goes to his first baseball game. At one point someone bunts the ball down the third baseline. Everyone shouts RUN!RUN!RUN! So he says "RUN ya basterd run!" A few innings later someone is walked. He starts shouting "RUN ya basterd run!" He then wonders why everyone is laughing at him. Then someone said "He doesn't have to run, he has four balls" then the Irish mans says " Then walk with pride Man!"

[Art Petersn]

Hillary Clinton got elected President and is spending her first night in
the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[thedrifter]

"Truck Gets Pulled"

A man was driving along a country-side road and his truck stalled and drove into a ditch. There happened to be a farmer who lived near by and he asked if his horse could pull his truck out. The old farmer
hitched up the horse, Buddy, and yelled out, "Pull Silver, Pull!!!" The horse did nothing. Then he yelled out again, "Pull Bullet, pull!!" The horse did nothing. Then he yelled for the final time, "Pull Buddy, pull!!" And the horse pulled the truck out of

the ditch. The man thanked the farmer and wondered.


Then he asked, "Why did you call out 2 other names before his?" and the farmer replied, "Well, Buddy is blind and if he knew that he was the only horse there, he wouldn't have budged."

[thedrifter]

"Shut up, None of your business, and Trouble"

There are three bears. The papa bear is named Shut up. The momma bear is called None of your business. And their son is named Trouble. One day Trouble is playing outside and he gets lost. Shut up and None of your business drive around and look for Trouble. A policeman catches them speeding and pulls them over. "What's your name?" he askes papa bear. "Shut up," he says. The policeman gets angry and askes momma bear the same question. "None of your business," comes the reply. "Are you two looking for trouble?" askes the policeman. "YES! Where is he?"

[thedrifter]

"WHAT SONS DO FOR A LIVING"

THERE WERE THESE 3 MOMS SITTING AROUND A TABLE DRINKING TEA ONE DAY WHILE A WAITRESS SERVED THEM. THE MOMS STARTED TLKING ABOUT WHAT THEIR SONS DO FOR A LIVING.THE NOISY WAITRESS SAID WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO FOR A LIVING? THE FIRST MOM SAID,"WELL MY SON IS A PRIEST AND WHEN HE WALKS INTO A ROOM EVERYOUNE SAYS "HELLO MY FATHER". THE SECOND PUTS DOWN HER TEA CUP AND SAYS,"WELL MY SON IS A ARCHBISHOP AND WHEN HE WALKS INTO A ROOM EVEYONE SAYS,"HELLO YOUR GRACE. THEN THE THIRD MOM PUTS DOWN HER CUP AND SAYS WITH PRIDE,"WELL MY SON IS A STRIPPER AND WHEN HEWALKS INTO A ROOM ALL THE WOMEN SCREAM "OH MY GOD!"

[thedrifter]

"Pee on bar"

A man came out of the back room of a bar and bet the bartender $500 he could pee into a cup across the room with out spilling ad drop. They shook on it. The man then peed all over the bartender and his bar with out getting a drop in the cup. The bartender says give me $500 and the man said he would be right back. He went into the back room came back with 500 dollars whistling. He smiled and gave the bar tender the money. The bartender said, you just lost $500, why are you so happy? The man said I bet the guys in the back room $800 I could pee all over you and the bar and not get in trouble.

[thedrifter]

"The Lottery Ticket"

A Blonde had lost her job and was having a very hard time paying bills and putting food on the table. She has at the end of her rope, but decided to pray for help. She prayed, "Please God help in my dire need and let me win the Lottery!"

Lottery night came, and she was not a winner.

She prayed again, "Please God, how could you fail me when I needed your help the most?"


A Loud clap of thunder shook her, and a voice from above said, "Honey, work with me here, BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!"

[thedrifter]

"What will you do for a dollar?"

A blonde girl comes home from first grade, and goes straight to her mother.

"Mommy! A boy made a bet that I wouldn't climb the flagpole for a dollar, and I got the dollar!" the girl says.


"Oh honey!..." she replies. "The boy just wanted to see your panties. So, don't do that again!"


The next day, the girl comes home and goes to her mother, again.


"Mommy!" the girl yells. This time I got five dollars for climbing the flagpole!"


The mother gets a cross look on her face. "I thought I told you not to do that!"

she says. "He just wants to see your panties!"


The girl then replies...



..."Oh, don't worry, Mommy...


...I didn't wear any."

[thedrifter]

Phantom Strikes!


A grade school teacher comes into class one morning to find a litany of dirty words written all over the blackboard. She is very upset and tells the class to close its eyes and count to thirty. During that time, she says, the person who did it should erase the words. The class and the teacher close their eyes, and, after the time is up, open them. The board is indeed erased, except for a small note in the bottom of the board.

"**** you, teacher. The phantom strikes again!"

[thedrifter]

"The Three Choices"

OK there once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like ****. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

[thedrifter]

"Nerds and Preps"

How many geeks does it take to paint a wall red?
Only one if u throw it hard enough


How many preps does it take to make a hamburger?

Who cares just think of all the fun we can have putting them through the grinder.

[thedrifter]

"The Bunny Rabbit"

One day there is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest when they come upon a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out. He says,"Thanks guys. For helping me, I will give you each 3 wishes." The bear went first and said, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The genie says,"Done. Rabbit?" The rabbit says,"I wish for a Motorcycle Helmet." The genie says," Done." The bear goes next and he says," I wish all the bears on the continent were female." The genie says," O.K. you got it." The rabbit goes and says, with his motorcycle helmet on," I wish for a motorcycle." "Alrighty, you got it." The bear uses his last wish and says this,"I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female." The genie looks at him and says," You got it!" And so the rabbit, now sitting on his motorcycle, uses his last wish and says,"I wish he was gay," and drives off.

[thedrifter]

"Nascar Fans"

Once there were two Tony Stewart fans hunting, they shot a deer and were pulling it by the tail towards their truck, a Mark Martin fan came through and saw that the antlers were getting tangled on anything and everything, he walked up to them and said "wouldn't it be easier if you pulled it by the antlers" they said yes it would, so they started pulling it by the antlers, one said, "those Mark Martin fans sure are smart", and the other said, "yeah, but aren't we getting farther away from the truck."

[thedrifter]

"your injun's runnin"

one day the lone ranger and tonto are out riding in texas. they stop at a bar and start to have a drink. then a big guy comes in and says "who's white horse is outside?"
the lone ranger stands up and says " what abuot it ?" the man says "well your horse is about to faint" so the lone ranger told tonto "go run around silver and see if you can get some air movin" a couple minutes later anoither guy walks in and asks who's white horse it is outside. the lone ranger stands up and says "what's wrong with my horse?!!!" the guy says "nothins wrong with your horse you just left your injun runnin"

[thedrifter]

"Proud Dads"

Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
"My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!"

The second guy waves this off and says:

"My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!"

The third guy waves both of them off and says:

"My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!"

They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:

"My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he's gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!"

[thedrifter]

Lexus

.A lady walks into a Lexus dealership

She browses around,

then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As

she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart

escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if

anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales

person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this

lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you

are going to **** when you hear the price."

[thedrifter]

Wasp's Nest

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."

The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"

The doctor says, "Change of plans -- I'm going to drown the bastard."

[thedrifter]

"The Bet"

George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.



"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."



Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."


"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[thedrifter]

"Why tarzan wear underwear!"

Monkeys:We all don't wear underwear, why you do?
Tarzan: Mind your own business!!


Ond day, Tarzan was bathing in the river naked and the monkeys had a peep on him to kill their curiosity.


Monkeys: Hehehe...no wonder he wears an underwear. He was embarassed with us because his TAIL was infront and worse, its TOO SHORT!!

[thedrifter]

"FAMILY OF MOLES"

There once was a family of moles who lived in a little mole hole. Papa, Mama, and the baby mole.

The Papa mole stuck his head out of the hole and said, "Yumm! It smells like Maple."


The Mama mole stuck her head out of the hole and said, "Yumm! It smells like honey."


The baby mole went to stick his head out the the hole to smell the air but his parents were in the way. So he said, "It smells like MOLEASSES!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Everybody knows Bob"

The guys at the bar are getting quite sick of Bob claiming to know everyone. Every day Bob drops names into conversations, he would brag that he knew everyone. "The other day when Madonna called me?" was the type of thing they were used to. If ever anyone mentioned anyone Bob quickly went on about how well they knew each other. Someone mentioned Bob Dylan and Bob would talk about how he showed Dylan how to play guitar better, someone else mentions George W. Bush and Bob talks about their phone conversation last week where he gave George advice about the new tax cuts.

This went on for years until finally one day someone mentioned the Pope. When Bob started saying how the Pope asked him for advice one of them stopped him dead. "Bob, god dammit, you don't know EVERYONE and you certainly don't know the Pope, in fact you don't know any of the people you talk about. We are all sick to death of hearing you talk about people you don't know!".


Bob was visibly upset and confused by this, "You don't believe I know the pope" he said almost incredulous. "OK fine, I'll prove that I know everyone. I will fly all of you to Rome and introduce you to the pope". They all agreed thinking they would get a good laugh and a free ride. The next day they arrived in Rome and went to St. Peters to meet the pope. Unfortunately there was a big event and the pope was going to give a speech so Bob decided he would prove that he knows the pope by showing up on the balcony with the pope.


He went off and sure enough a few minutes later he stepped out on the balcony with the Pope. They were amazed but suspected that Bob may have hired someone to impersonate the Pope just to fool them. The decided to turn to one of the Bishops nearby to confirm that it really was the pope. "Excuse me, do you see the guy up there, who is that?" the said to the bishop. "Well, I cant tell who that guy is but the guy next to him is Bob".

[thedrifter]

"Dough NUTS"

A guy says to his friend,"I had the funnest time last night. I went to a bar where girls ate doughnuts off your dick. You got to go there."

So the guy goes and the next day he meets up with his friend.


He asks,"wasn't it fun?"


"No they gave me 75 cents and told me to go buy a box of cheerios."

[thedrifter]

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the

slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it

and put the change in her purse.


She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the

Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the

change and put it in her purse.


Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her

money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.


Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you

so long?"


She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

[thedrifter]

"The Trees"

One day a police man was riding down the road and he got a call that said there had been a wreck on I95. The policeman hurried to the sight and when he got there he saw a blonde lady and knew there was going to be problems.

He got out of his car and asked the lady what happened.


The blonde said, "I saw a tree fall across the raod, so i swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree fall to the left, and then there was another one that fell on the right..."


The policeman said, "Ma'am it was only your air freshener on your rear view mirror."

[thedrifter]

"Sandwiches"

Ok well a guy whos still in college still shares his room with his little brother. He has the top bunk and his brother has the bottom. One day him and his girlfriend come home and they go to the top bunk and you know things start heating up. Then he remembers about his little brother so he says to his girlfriend "if you want it harder say tomato and if you want a different position say lettuce". so then LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE! etc... Then his little brother wakes up and says "Hey quit making sandwiches your two, your getting mayonase all over me!"

[thedrifter]

"Put Your Best Foot Forward"

A science class was taking a test. The test was basically identifying birds by their feet. One student looked at the test and saw row after row of nothing but bird feet.
"That's it! I'm outta here!" he said. He handed his blank test in to the professor.

"What's your name young man?!" asked the professor angrily.

The student rolled up his pants, showing his feet.

"I don't know. You tell me."

[thedrifter]

"Flashlight"

One day some Kentuckyans were trying to fish but caught very little. A Ohioan was fishing nearby and noticed the Kentuckyans.The Ohioan asked if they wanted to come and fish where he was, if so he would get his flashlight ,turn it on and they could walk across the beam. They finally said," No, because when we get halfway across you will turn it off

[thedrifter]

"Hearing Voices"

(I'm afraid this joke is better heard than read. Importantly, the "voice" has to be a raspy whisper... like a certain unnamed movie in particular.)

Ricky is walking down the street on his way to work, and he hears a voice;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky gets very irritated and shouts "No! I will not do that!" And on he goes to work.


The next day, Ricky's walking to work and again the voice;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky becomes frustrated and sternly says "No." And on he goes to work.


This goes on for several weeks until finally, one day;


"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."


Ricky loses it, and says "Okay! Fine! I'll quit my job," He quits his job, "I'll sell my house," He sells his house, and off to Vegas.


Gets on the plane, flies, lands, gets in a cab, and goes to the first casino he likes, and gets out. He looks around at all the gambling addicts walking up and down the streets, the girls passing out casino chips, the old folks, the tourist families. The voice says;


"Go into the casino."


Ricky walks into the casino, and checks out everyone on the slots, the poker tables, blackjack, you name it. The voice says;


"Go to the Roulette wheel."


And he does.


"Put all your money on... Twenty One."


And he does.


He places his every last penny down, the dealer spins the wheel, lets loose the ball, and it spins. Spins and spins and lands on... Seventeen.


The voice says;


"F*ck"

[thedrifter]

"Mother-in-law gets double"

One day a man was exploring a cave and found a magic lamp. When he rubbed the lamp a genie poped out and said "I will grant you three wishes, but your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for." "Again!" cried the man. "I wish I was the richist man in the univirse." "It is done, but remember, Your mother-in-law gets twice that." "I wish I own two mansions." "It is done, but remember, your mother-in-law gets double." "Beat me half to death."

[thedrifter]

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker.

You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.




It was Halloween and three vampires went into a bar.
"What will you have?" asked the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," replied the first.

"I'll have a glass of blood too please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight, " said the bartender,
"That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

[thedrifter]

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military
induction
> > > > > center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him
the
duty
> > > > > of advising new recruits about the government benefits,
especially
> > > > > the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
> > > > > Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center
began
> > > > > noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
> > insurance.
> > > > > This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductee's
nearly
> > $30.00
> > > per
> > > > > month more for their coverage, that was
> > > > > already afforded by that which the government was already
granting.
> > > > > The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his
> > > > > selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the
room
> and
> > > > > observe Bubba's sales pitch.
> > > > > Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductee's and
> > > > > stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go
into
> battle
> > > and are
> > > > > killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000. If you
take
> out
> > > the
> > > > > supplemental GI insurance ( which will cost you an additional
$30.00
> > per
> > > month),
> > > > > the government pays your beneficiaries $200,000. --------
NOW"
Bubba
> > > concluded,
> > > > > " Which bunch do you think
> > > > > that they are going to send into battle first?"
> >

[thedrifter]

Fighter Pilot


There was something like this around before, but this is funny....

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.



Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the barkeeper. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.



The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.



"What do you do?" he asked.



"I used to be a fighter pilot. I'm retired now," was the answer.

Now, really unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go. "

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. He rolled back his sleeves, exposing a large, well-worn watch with buttons on the side and a tatoo that said "Yankee Air Pirate. By the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked.

"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that last song was called "Big Boobs Light My Afterburner." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.

When the guy came out of the men's room, the barkeeper went over to tell him that he had the job, but noticed the old pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"

"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!!

[thedrifter]

"the penguines day out!"

One day an old lady was driving down the road with a penguin in her back seat that she had found.She asked a policeman what to do with it the policeman said to take it to the zoo so the old lady took it to the zoo.The next day the old lady was driving down the road with the penguin stil in her back seat she saw the policeman and he stopped her."i thought i told you to take it to the zoo said the policeman "i did and now i am taking it to the funfair" said the old lady.

[thedrifter]

"Cure for Chapped Lips"

A cowboy drifter rides into a town in the old west, and stops to tie his horse to a hitching post in front of the saloon. Several loafers, drunks, and townspeople are sitting in chairs on the boardwalk outside the saloon door. They watch, in amazement, as the stranger...after tying his horse, walks around behind the animal, lifts it's tail, and kisses the horse right in it's ass. "Gawd damn, stranger!!", says one of the onlookers, "Why in the hell did you kiss yore hoss's ass?" The stranger lifts the brim of his Stetson, looks the bystander in the eye, and says, "I got chapped lips". The bystander spit tobacco juice into the street and says, "I ain't never heard of curin' chapped lips by kissin' a hosses ass". "Didn't say it'd cure chapped lips", said the stranger, "But, it shore as hell keeps ye from a'lickin' 'em".

[thedrifter]

"Nice Bartender"

This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.

About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."

[thedrifter]

"the blonde in the circle"

A blonde just got a new sports car, so she took it for a drive. When she was driving, she cut off a truck driver, so he motioned for her to pull over. She pulled over, and he got out and pulled a piece of chalk out of his pocket. He drew a circle on the ground, and in a gruff voice said, "You get in this circle and don't move." He then pulled out a knife and slit her seats. When he turned around, she was smiling. This angered him, so he got out a bat and bashed her car up. When he turned around, she was smiling. He said, "Oh, well if you think that's funny...watch this." He took his knife and slit her tires. When he turned around, she was laughing. Then he got a can of gasoline and poured it all over her car. Then he set it the car on fire. This time when he turned around, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. He asked, "What's so funny?" and she replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle."

[thedrifter]

"A Blonde and Fire"

There was a blonde, burnett, and a redhead in a burning building. The only way to escape was to go to the top of the building and pray.

When they go to the top of the building, the looked down to the ground and saw firemen holding a blanket out. The firemen said "you the readhead, you jump first!" "But i'm afraid of hights." "Thats ok we'll catch you"


The read head told them to get ready and then jumped. "WHOOSH" the readhead jumped and the firemen pulled the blanket away and she hit the concrete like a pancake.


The they told the burnett to do it. She said no way i saw wut you just did to my friend, i'm not that stupid. The firemen told the burnett that they just hated redheads and that they would catch her. She finally decided to jump and when she did the firemen again pulled the blanket out from underneath her and she hit the ground and splatered like a tomato.


Fianlly it was the blondes turn. They told her to jump and she said no way! I'm a blonde but not that stupid. they then said they like blondes out of every one. She then makes a compromise. She said here's wut i will do. You put the blanket on the ground, back up ten feet and then i will jump.

[thedrifter]

"Feminism"

A female student is assigned a thesis on "changing trends in feminism". In her research she is shocked to read of a village in Central Africa where, 50 years ago, the women were so inferior to their husbands that they dared only to walk 10 paces behind them. Determined to find out whether the situation had changed she set out to this country and was delighted to see that it had. Leaving the airport she saw that the men were walking not 10 paces, but 100m ahead of their husbands. In her enthusiasm the student catches up with one such lady and asks of her, "What great change could have occured which means that you, the woman, can now lead your husband through these paths". The African woman looks at her sadly and replys, "land mines".

[thedrifter]

"Sic Sqid"

Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.

“Hello squiddy” said the shark “You don’t look too good what’s the matter”?

“Oh I have to get my pension today and it’s a long journey and I don’t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort”.

“No problem”, said the shark “I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time”.

The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.

After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.

All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.

“Hello sharkey I’ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me” said the killer whale threatenly.

“Oh yes” said the shark, “Have a look on my back. “It’s the six quid I owe you”.

[thedrifter]

"3 guys in a desert"

There were 3 guys walking in a desert. A Farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and A U.S. Technical engineer. One of them steps on a rock and a genie pops out. She says "Because you have freed me from my rock, I will grant you each on wish."

The Farmer wishes for fertile soil year round so he can grow crops.

Osama Bin Laden wishes for a wall around his country so nothing can get in or out.

The Tech En. says " I am curious tell me more about this wall."

The Gnie says" It is 15,ooo feet high and nothing can get in or out.

The Tech says "FILL IT IN WITH WATER!!!!"""

[thedrifter]

"three indians and a chief"

There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, "how did you get that deer?". The indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot deer". Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot bear." A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, "What happened to you"? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before
sex.

They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's
Pharmacies.

They're going to be called: 'Predickamints'
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

>This is a question that has gone unanswered for
>centuries...but, now we know.
> >
> >If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
> >race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework,
> >you're a pansy.
> >
> >If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
> If you don't work
> >
> >enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
> >
> >If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this
>is exploitation.
>
> >If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
>should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
> >
> >If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
> >job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
> >
> >If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
> >quiet, it's male indifference.
> >
> >If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
> >
> >If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she
> >makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
> >
> >If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
> >SHE asks you, it's a favor.
> >
> >If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
> >If you don't, you're gay.
> >
> >If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
> >If you don't, you're unromantic.
> >
> >If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
> >
>If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
>If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you
>don't, you're not ambitious.
>
>If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
>love her anymore.
>
>If you want it too often, you're over-sexed. If you don't, there must
>be someone else.
>
>Men die first because they want to.

[Phantom Blooper]

Singing In Church



A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood". The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

[thedrifter]

"Sheep counting"

A blonde is sick of all the blonde jokes so she goes to hairdresser and gets her hair died brown. So this blonde is feeling really chuffed with herself so she goes for a drive in the country side. About half an hour in to this drive she comes across this farmer hearding across his sheep. The blonde gets out of her car and says "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one."
"No **** off" the farmer says, "Oh please" the blonde pleads. "Oh fine" The farmer replies. "152" she says. "Jesus Christ how did you know." he says. "Lucky" She says. So she goes and picks one up and goes to her car and the farmer says "If I can guess what colour of hair you have can i have my dog back."

[thedrifter]

"Hose and Rosa's new life in America"

Jose and Rosa were off the the U.S. Border to

start their new life. They had the kids, the family

pets and all their worldly possessions in the car.

Jose leans over to Rosa and mentions that he is a

little reluctant to cross the border with the pets for

fear that it will cause them problems getting

across. The two family pets are a skunk and a

snake.

Jose: "Rosa I know the kids love the pets but I

don't want to have any problems at the border

with the animaIs, I think we need to come up with

a plan"

Rosa"Oh Jose you are so smart I know you will

think of something"

Jose: " Ah Rosa I got it, with the snake I will loop it

through my belt and then if they look they will

think its a snake skin belt or something"

Rosa: " Oh Jose you are so smart I knew you

would think of something, but what about the

snake"

Jose " I will think of something... I got it, with the

skunk you can put it up your dress and then if they

look they will think its your bush or something."

Rosa: "That is a good idea, but what about the

smell?"

Jose " Oh well if it dies it dies:

[thedrifter]

"Biker,Lawyer, Doctor"

A Lawyer,Doctor, and a Biker are sitting in a bar. The doctor says to the lawyer just had my 10th wedding anniversary bought my wife a new benz and tickets on a carribean cruise I figure if she doesn't enjoy the cruise she'll like the car. The lawyer says I know what you mean mt last anniversary I bought my wife a Rolex watch and a trip across Europe I figure if she did not like the watch she'd enjoy the vacation. biker at hte end of the bar says for my last anniversary I bought my ol lady a Sturgis T shirt and a vibrator I figure if she did not like the T shirt she could go **** herself.

[thedrifter]

"McGregors Nickname"

Two Scottish guys are sitting at the bar, one goes, "Hey McGregor! How'd you get yer nickname!" MecGregors replies, "Let me tell ya somethin! I built ma own house with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the carpenter? No! I dug ma own well with ma bare hands! i dug it, and set the stone myself, but do they call me Mcgregor the well digger? No! I built ma own fence with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the fence builder? No!...but ya **** one goat..."

[thedrifter]

"JUST ONE!!!!??"

A man and his blonde wife are getting ready for work. The blonde leaves about a half hour before her husband, so the man uses this time to listen to the radio news.


about ten minutes after the blonde left, a shocking news report comes in. "..... driver going the wrong way on highway 55..."


The worried husband calls up his wife on her cell phone to warn her, as he knew she took highway 55 to get to work.


"Honey," he said " be careful on your way to work. some maniac is driving the wrong way on highway 55."


The blonde responded in a frenzied voice "ONE!? ONE!? THERE MUST BE HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Guess Who!"

A blonde was standing on a street corner talking to a police officer who was taking a report ( woman all mestup, shreddred clothes) she said, all I know officer is he had a red cape, A big S on his chest, and was faster then A speeding bullet.

[thedrifter]

"Good Answer"

One day a profesor walked into his large classroom, set his stool on his desk and told his class to write about how the stool wasn't really there. They started to think and write When with in 2 min. A student walked up and handed the profesor his paper and left since it was the only assignement for the day. The profesor reads the paper and starts laffing the paper said 2 words
"What stool"

[thedrifter]

"the boat"

a man and his wife went down to their cottage for the weekend. while they were down there the woman asked the man to go down to the store. the husband liked fishing so he had brought the boat down to the cottage. the wife was reading and decided to go out on the lake in the boat.while she was out on the lake a police man came by and asked for her fishing liscence. she explained to him that she didn't have a fishind liscence because it wasn't her boat and equiptment but her husbands. the police man explained to the woman he would have to arrest her. why replied the woman because you have all the equiptment but no liscence. the woman answered if you arrest me i'll file a complaint for rape. why i haven't done anything said the police man. yes but you have all the equiptment!!

[Phantom Blooper]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.

He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his
trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly,
being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[thedrifter]

"Baby Bear"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.


Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.


Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?


It was Momma Bear who got up first,

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE YET !!"

[thedrifter]

"Plumber's worst nightmare"

A plumber arrived at his next job only to find his client was going out, worried about the clients Rotweiler the man asks if he could come back later. Noticing the plumber's insecurity the client says,"Don't worry about the dog he won't hurt you, but whatever you do don't talk to the parrot!". Heeding the client's warning he walks into the house and into the kitchen. Feeling more confident about the Rotweiler he starts working on the sink. Barely after starting he notices the parrot sitting by the Rotweiler, all of a sudden the parrot bursts out with a bunch of insult's. Almost half way through the job the plumber starts to get angry, he starts to tell the bird to shut up. All of a sudden the bird becomes silent, then very quietly the bird says, "Sick him Rex."

[thedrifter]

"Dough NUTS"

A guy says to his friend,"I had the funnest time last night. I went to a bar where girls ate doughnuts off your dick. You got to go there."

So the guy goes and the next day he meets up with his friend.


He asks,"wasn't it fun?"


"No they gave me 75 cents and told me to go buy a box of cheerios."

[thedrifter]

"dam you"

a guy went into a bar and he said i want 20 shots of whiskey the bartender said whats wrong i just found out my son is gay he replied and the next night he came in and said i want 50 shots of whiskey and the bartender said whats wrong now the man replied i just found out my other son is gay then the next night he said i want 90 shots of whiskey then the bartender replied dosent anybody in your familly like women yahh my whife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

"Soda machine"

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the

slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it

and put the change in her purse.


She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the

Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the

change and put it in her purse.


Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her

money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.


Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you

so long?"


She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

[thedrifter]

"T.G.I.F."

A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,

"T.G.I.F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S.H.I.T."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said,"T.G.I.F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile

and said as sweetly as possibly, "T.G.I.F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

"T.G.I.F. -----------It means Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S.H.I.T-------- Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[thedrifter]

"A Most Unusual Paragraph"

This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out

what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary, you'd think

nothing was wrong with it and in fact, nothing is wrong with it.

It IS unusual, why? Study it. Think about it and you may find

out. Try to do it without coaching. If you work at it for a bit,

it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try your skill at figuring it

out! Good Luck - Don't blow your cool!

.

.

Answer below......NO FAIR LOOKING AHEAD EITHER..

(I'm WATCHING YOU!!! )

.

.

.

.

.

I CAUGHT YOU !!!....DO YOU HAVE THE ANSWER?

GOOOOOO BACK and look AGAIN....

.

.

.

.

.

.

GAVE UP THAT FAST HUH ??? Brain NOT working today ???

.

.

.

.

Ohhhhhhh....So NOW you have the correct answer....?????

YOU THINK ??? hehehehe Are you really sure about that ????

.

.

.

Not too late to rethink your answer now.....

HEY.....Don't SAY I didn't GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE HERE!!!!

.

.

.

Okay!!

This WAY To........ the ANSWER!!!!!!!

|

|

|

|

|

|

V

There is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph!

[thedrifter]

Lending A Hand

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,


The first girl said"Whatshould I do? The

guy sitting next to me is masturbating."


Her friend replied, "Don't do

anything. Just ignore it."


The first girl said, "I can't."


Her friendsaid,"Why can'tyou ignore it?"


The first one says, "Because he's using

myhand!"

[thedrifter]

"2 friends in a room"

One guy was sitting in a small room when his friend walked in and found a really long lighter in his friends lap. He also found a genie's lamp laying right next to him. He asked, "Hey man...what are you doing?" His friend responded by saying "Check this magic lamp out that I found. You can wish for anything, but only one thing, and it'll come true." So the friend held it up, and since he was a big duck hunter, he said "I wish for 1 million ducks to fill the sky!" Right then, the sky turned black and was then filled with 1 million BUCKS. He was confused and said "What happened? This isn't what I wished for." His friend, who was sitting on the ground, said "Yeah...and you think I wanted a 10-inch BICK?!"

[thedrifter]

"racing bears"

Two friends are out squirrel hunting whennthey encounter an angry bear. The bear is coming toward them and they know they can't stop it with their squirrel guns.
The first hunter says "What are you going to do?

The second hunter says "I'm going to run like hell"

The first hunter says "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!

The second hunter says "I don't have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun YOU!!

[thedrifter]

Diary of a Viagra Wife

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry", thing again, I'll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f... himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!!

[thedrifter]

Terrorism: Doing our part...

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

[thedrifter]

"Baseball Forever"

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. They agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.


A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked,

"this is unbelievable! So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"


"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"


"Tell me the good news first."


"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."


"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"


"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[thedrifter]

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other,
"Yo! Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied
the
other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first
baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib
and
find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib,
then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm
a
little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby
girl,
"but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

[thedrifter]

Mothers

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

[thedrifter]

It's All in the Wording

An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of
his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and
both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one
used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung over after partying all night. She
went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the
executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before,but I
have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell!"

[thedrifter]

This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

[thedrifter]

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

[thedrifter]

This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Intracostal
Bridge in Gulf Shores one day. As she neared the top of the
bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge
getting ready to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said,
"Please don't jump! , Think of your Mom and Dad!"

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm gonna jump!"

She said, "Well, think of your wife and kids!"

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids!"

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee!"

He replied, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Go ahead and JUMP, ya Damn Yankee!"

[thedrifter]

A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How much would you charge me to answer three questions?" Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars." Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?" Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Dogs?

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

HelOOOooo," answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

[thedrifter]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.They went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures and immediately fell off the ladders,dropping the tape measures and pencils--the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed,"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length".

[thedrifter]

A blonde guy goes into the doctors office, he's got a
banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose.

He tells the doc "I sure don't feel very good."

The doctor replies "Of course not, you're not eating right".

[thedrifter]

A blonde enters Sears and goes to the curtain department.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not need curtains...."

And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows

[Art Petersn]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat
right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac
Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We
have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba

[thedrifter]

"arent you a little to old to beleive in genies"

bob was playing golf when he badly strays his shot over a road and through a house window
when he goes to retreve his ball he finds a smashed vase and a man out cold on the floor he leant over the man and he woke him up who are you asks the man Bob replies im a genie realised from this vase after a thousand years traped in side the man is so excited and calls his wife home when she arrives Bob continues to show how much i appreciate being set free you can each have a wish the man starts with i wish for a billion dollars the genie replies next time you check your bank account you will find a billion dollars in there then it was the ladys turn i wish for a mansion in every capital city Bob says this wish has been grane annd she has a mansion in every capital city then then the genie looks at the wife a bit sadly and she asks whats wrong and he said well not having sex in a thousand years sure is tough well i have a mansion in every capital city so i dont mind said the wife hell i have a billion dollars i dont care said the husband so the genie and the wife go up stairs and make lovewhen they come back down the genie says to the husband how old are you to which the reply was 34 why? isnt that a boit to old to still beleive in genies

[thedrifter]

"the 3 guys"

there was once a black guy,a jew, and a white guy. They came across a genie and the genie told them they could each have 1 wish. The black guy asked for a country for him and all his brothers to live. The genie said "your wish is granted" and bang he had his own country. The jew asked for a country for him and all his people to live on and BANG his wish was granted. The white guy asked the genie, "The black guy is getting his own country right? And the jew is getting his own country right? Hummmmmmm... let me think about it... I would like a diet coke."

[thedrifter]

Things Only Southerners Understand


The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle your "pot likker"

The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.

The difference between "purt' near" and "a right far piece"

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

[thedrifter]

"Bird Dog"

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that ****".

[thedrifter]

"Guillotine"

Once there were three men who were going to be executed with the guillotine during the French Revolution. The first man was a mathmatician, the second man was an artist, and the third man was a engineer.
The police led the mathmatician up and told him to say his last words. He said, "I will always die for my country." The men led him to the guillotine. The blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the mathmatician would not die.

The same thing happened to the artist. His last words were, "I will always die for my country." He was led to the guillotine and the blade stopped an inch from his neck. The police said that it must be the will of God that the artist would not die.

When the police led the engineer up and told him to say his last words, he said, "I think I know how to fix the guillotine."

[thedrifter]

"Down on Luck"

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.


"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.


"No, no boyfriend either."


"Do you have a partner then?"


"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."


After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.


"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."


"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."


"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."


"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"


"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."


"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."


At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"


"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.


"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[thedrifter]

'''''''''''Talking With Your Body'''''''''''''



A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

[thedrifter]

"Buttercups"

Toward the end of a golf match, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about

every buttercup in the patch.


All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

appeared.


She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make

those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your

popcorn the rest of your life! Better yet, you won't have any butter for

your toast for the rest of your life - as a matter of fact, you won't

have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"


Then POOF!...she was gone as quickly as she had appeared.


After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred,

where are you?"


Fred yelled back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."


Dave yelled, "DON'T SWING FRED!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!"

[thedrifter]

"Naval Skirmish"

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95:

Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.


Radio #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.


#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.


#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER "ENTERPRISE," WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!


#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[thedrifter]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
> Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
> breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
> lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US
Senate
> for assistance.
> The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
> How might I help you?"
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
> Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
> matter?"
> Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of last rites!"
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also
> obliged to notify the next of kin."

[thedrifter]

DARWIN AWARDS FOR 2003

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (often terminal) stupidity. They are now in for 2003. Enjoy.

Honorable Mentions:

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
*********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
*********

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
*********

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
*********

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he eeplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
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The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by attaching a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home with the chain still attached to the machine. With their b