Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".

The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Sempers,

Roger

[SGT T]

Terrorist Suicidal Volunteers

Rated R

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

* No Hooters.

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. ****ing sand everywhere!

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More ****ing sand everywhere!

* Rags for clothes and hats.

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western."

* Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they volunteer!"

[SGT T]

He said...
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."

She said...
"Well you've succeeded."

[thedrifter]

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"


Sempers,

Roger

[CAS3]

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
________________________________________________
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
________________________________________________
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son
into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and told him," I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The
big sissy."
________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"




:banana:

[Gregg Doll]

I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here
are some takes on how Southern folks look at their
Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a Moon Pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You've never, never, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the
head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliquéd sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what appliqué is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (I.e. Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Billie Ruth,
Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade
33. You don't need a recipe for sweet tea.
34. Reading this makes you mad

[Barrio_rat]

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris prouldly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[thedrifter]

Why Trick-Or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1.You can DO the whole neighborhood.

[thedrifter]

One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".

The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

[thedrifter]

Jim Darnell

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd1.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd2.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd3.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd4.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd5.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd6.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd7.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd8.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd9.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd10.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd11.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd12.jpg

[wrbones]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while
they got to know each other so well, they decided to get
married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the
groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom
leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am
going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"

[thedrifter]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."



Talk About the Weather!

People who study tornadoes have twistered minds. The first scientists who studied fog were mystified. Lightning storms can be very striking. And when the fog burns off, it won't be mist.

Heavenly bodies have an attractive force. If all your troubles are melting away, watch out for the floods. You can only see the stars on a finite.

[thedrifter]

One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."




Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic...'"

[thedrifter]

"The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."




A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

http://cartoons.oneml.com/c/ms/ctms120.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://cartoons.oneml.com/c/ms/ctms072.jpg

[Barrio_rat]

Think of a letter between A and W.
.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

.

.

Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .

.

.

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

.

.

Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name

.

.

Almost there........

.

.

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

.

.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

.

.

Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

.

.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?

.

.

Of course not.......

.

.

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

[wrbones]

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover
all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All
was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once
praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same
time, this was his answer for his busy life.

Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's
personality changed. He started making passes towards
women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making
obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the
clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate
lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.

While the clone was looking at the skyline through the
telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that
was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the
building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the
police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under
arrest"?? What's the charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

[wrbones]

For Those who are Getting On in Years (And Weight) I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

[wrbones]

For Those who are Getting On in Years (And Weight) I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.


I didn't say **** about donuts, either!

[wrbones]

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw
Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking
around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."



Blame BigCat!

[wrbones]

Sheer Lingerie
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.

He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie
he can find.

The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her,
saying, "Go put this on and come down to model
it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
"This thing is so see through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."


So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all
and strikes a pose.

"So, how do you like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron the damn thing!"

-----------------------------------------------
7 Dwarfs
-----------------------------------------------
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.

As he is finishing his speech on comparative
religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a
question.

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there
are not.'

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere
in Italy?' Dopey questions.

'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no
dwarf nuns in Italy.'

'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there
any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

And softly in the background, the six remaining
dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey f***ed a
penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.'

------------------------------------------------
Big Bad Wolf
------------------------------------------------
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see
her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the
forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf
will catch you and suck your boobies dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through
the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn
back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf
finds you, he'll suck your boobies dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going
through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere
and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red
Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your boobies dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she
pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just
like the story says!"

------------------------------------------------
Q and A
------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the executive hire the prostitute
to be his secretary?
A. On her application, where it said 'last position',
she wrote 'doggie style'!

Q: What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
A: "Daaadddy, I want a Corvette!"

Q. How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
A. He read her lips.



Yep. BigCat again!

[thedrifter]

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!"

A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa."

Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!"

[thedrifter]

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[thedrifter]

After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back."

[thedrifter]

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[Sophora]

This is classic - proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read,..... "and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:............


"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons57/getting-a-shot.jpg

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming. "Then she is alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She faked it."

[thedrifter]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Trick-Or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1.You can DO the whole neighborhood.

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a little girl was out taking a walk with her grandmother Alice, when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma Alice?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was really embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" asked the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked Grandma Alice.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they'll screw you every time!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/animations/wag-the-pup.gif

[Barrio_rat]

An Oklahoma cowboy and a California cowboy are both riding the same circuit. They decide to pool their resources and share a truck from one rodeo to the next, saving money and getting more sleep between events. On one occation, while the OK cowboy was driving, he spotted a sheep wedged up in a fence. Well he slammed on the breaks and came to a skidding halt on the shoulder of the road. He then goes down to the sheep, takes a look around and drops his pant then proceeds to have his way with the sheep. When he was done, he looked up at the CA cowboy, who was watching in awe, and asked, 'ya want some of that?' To which the CA cowboy replied, 'sure!' So the CA cowboy goes down by the fence... looks around... drops his pants and then wedges himself up into the fence.

[wrbones]

This is cute! Enjoy..............W.


A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Oh, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses!.

[thedrifter]

After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back."

[thedrifter]

Three guys were on business trips to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright women, shoot his penis off!," said the sheik.

The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Alright women, burn his penis off!," said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman

[thedrifter]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

[thedrifter]

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde...

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde...? Why kill a blonde... ?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

__________________________________________________ ____________

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart,
no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/animations/peeing-squirrel.gif

[thedrifter]

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

[thedrifter]

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

[thedrifter]

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy! Stupid! Idiot ... I said a RICH doctor!"

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons50/carphone.jpg

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons50/what-else-is-new.jpg

[wrbones]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry
fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I
will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself
and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the
bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have
mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the
fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the
water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches...Some
pussy is probably in danger.

[thedrifter]

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. The young lad anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked her grandson, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup of coffee?"

Her grandson proudly replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

[thedrifter]

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"


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[thedrifter]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."

"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[thedrifter]

One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."


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Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic...'"


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"I looked up 'politics' in the dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words; 'poli,' which means many, and 'tics,' which means 'bloodsuckers.'"
-Jay Leno

[thedrifter]

http://www.funnyinside.com/images/c2.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.funnyinside.com/images/c1.jpg

[wrbones]

If yer a Yankee, don't even try it, yer accent will give ya away!






SOUTHERN PHRASES THAT WILL HELP YOU FIT IN IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as corn flakes."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help
me enjoy it."

[wrbones]

29 Reasons Why Dogs are better than Wives...

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or tell you
where to go, or that you are driving too slow or too fast.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Nordstroms or Neiman-Marcus.

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

[wrbones]

Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[thedrifter]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She sneaked by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."

[thedrifter]

It was a few days before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and Richard was ready to travel. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared irritating elevator renditions of well-known Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Richard was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real mistletoe, but a very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointy parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging." said the attendant.

Richard replied, "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

She answered, "That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" asked Richard.

After a brief pause, the attendant replied, "It's there so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

[thedrifter]

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him

[thedrifter]

Stuck in a strange city due to inclement weather, the drinker was bored. The man sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . ."

"Stop! I don't permit talk about politics in my bar." interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . ."

"No religion talk, either!" the bartender cut in.

The traveler thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Look, how about sex? Can I talk sex?"

"Sure," replied the bartender.

"Then f*** you!" said the man.


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[thedrifter]

http://thebesthumor.com/cartoons/26.jpg

[thedrifter]

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks
on
the door and the trucker lowers the window.

The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of you
load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops
for
another red light and the girl again catches up. She
knocks on the door
and
the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name
is Heather and
you
are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops
for
still another red light and the girl catches up again
all out of
breath. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she
says"Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops.....

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the
blonde girl and says:
"Hi,
my name is Andy, we`re having a snow storm and I`m
driving a SALT
TRUCK!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and . . ."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy . . ."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[thedrifter]

Donald works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Donnie, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Donald. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Donald if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them." replies Donald.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Donald. "Hi Donnie baby," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"

Donald's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Donald follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Don."

[thedrifter]

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

[thedrifter]

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"

Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"

Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."

"What's the difference? asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A *****house gets busted by the local police department. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-ass ***** explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line, too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little old lady, and asks, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and says, "Sonny, as long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."


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[thedrifter]

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

[thedrifter]

On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami."

After a short pause and several clicks . . . "Geez. What a *****in' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

[thedrifter]

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

[thedrifter]

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman - She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.



A Male's Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

[thedrifter]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."

"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[thedrifter]

An older Army general recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical. Before he began, the doctor asked the old general the standard questions - age, height, weight. Then the army doc asked when was the last time the general had sexual relations.

"Oh," the general mused, "It was 1945."

"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

The general replied, "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

[thedrifter]

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, without any clothes.

In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on, nevertheless to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.

At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, all covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, started to rise.

They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hold,
And filled her with passion, beyond her control.

Backward and forward, his thing did slide,
And Eves treasure, was all wet inside.

The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice.

Then through the years, people did screw,
And now it's time, for me and you.

So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass,
Cuz I'm in the mood, for a little piece of a$$!

[thedrifter]

This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."

[thedrifter]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do," she told her class, "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."


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Approaching the counter at a local post office, a kindly older gentleman said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?"

"No!" she replied testily. "I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

The subway car was packed beyond capacity. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss. That's just my pay check in my pocket," replied the guy.

"Oh really!" she spat. "Then you must really have quite some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour."

[thedrifter]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

[thedrifter]

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[thedrifter]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

How Sex is Like a Roller Coaster

You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face. Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!"

[thedrifter]

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes, that I could just hit her," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore





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One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[thedrifter]

Donald works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Donnie, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Donald. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Donald if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them." replies Donald.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Donald. "Hi Donnie baby," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"

Donald's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Donald follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Don."

[thedrifter]

Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well Tony," Papa said, "you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."


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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[thedrifter]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three-hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one."

"I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, so you may as well go fishing."

[thedrifter]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, **** on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[thedrifter]

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[CplSoria]

PROOF THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "SENSITIVE GUY"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a
shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher and enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf. ":banana:

[thedrifter]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a *****."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a prostitute?"

The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"

[thedrifter]

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on; several VIP's were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."

[thedrifter]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir. But, you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[thedrifter]

This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

How Sex is Like a Roller Coaster

You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face. Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!"

[thedrifter]

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes, that I could just hit her," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."





A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Excuse me, sir. I'd like a bottle of beer." The bartender serves the drink to the guy and says, "That will be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

[thedrifter]

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married

[thedrifter]

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face.

He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years. And all the time, I thought he was talking about money!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into
flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from
miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out
intact. "The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on
the blaze.

After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called
in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the
firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

>From the distance, a long siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company
composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's
amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their
rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire
and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking. "What are you going to do with all that money?""

Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going
to do is fix the brakes on the truck!"

[wrbones]

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had
spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly
bear. Each year they petitioned their respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study
these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately
flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported
to the local ranger station and were told that it was the
grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go
out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the
ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell
phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear.
They found the female and decided they must kill the
animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because
they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach...
only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what
this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the
male."







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
>bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that
>she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please
>help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm
>going to lose my house as well.Please let me win the lotto."
>
>Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
>
>She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
>business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
>
>Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
>
>Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've
>lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
>don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant
>to You.
>
>PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life
>back in order."
>
>Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The
>blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
>
>"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
>

[Barrio_rat]

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

21. Welcome to Sh.t Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !

22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[thedrifter]

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks, Why does it have three in it?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12-pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ... "

[thedrifter]

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says to the waitress, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

The waitress brings out his order a while later, and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. The guy asks the waitress, "What's with the fancy plate?"

The waitress replied, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[thedrifter]

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," the prostitute said. "But I only charge $20 for my services."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician asked. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry about me," the ***** replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side."

[thedrifter]

One day, a Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and have moved out of the house."

[thedrifter]

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[CAS3]

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by
swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a
few minutes the ol' lady
reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off
the porch and into the bushes.. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his
way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a
few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?"... She replies:
"That's for having a small one!"... A few more minutes go by and the ol'
man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes
flying off the porch and into the bushes...
She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She
sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?"
He replies: "That's for knowing there was more
than one size."
======================================

[wrbones]

I take it the honeymoon's over? and yer prince?

[fabboss]

TOO MANY QUESTIONS

An old blacksmith wanted to quit working so hard, so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

Every now and then, the boy would ask a question, and the old man would respond, "Don't ask me a lot of questions. Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

And that's why the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

[fabboss]

Calvinism's

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

it's my dessert that's gross! look, a thermos full of phlegm!

Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

'I've been thinking, Hobbes.' 'On a weekend?' 'Well, it wasn't on purpose...'

This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen...

Childhood is short and maturity is forever.

Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.

There's no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

Nice underpants.

[thedrifter]

A man from Saudi Arabia, named Abdul, was bragging on an airline flight. Abdul said that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gentleman form Florida was listening incredulously. "Why that is amazing," he remarked. "Where I come from there is only one way."

"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And exactly which way is that?"

"Well," the American gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman . . ."

Abdul interrupted and exclaimed, "Praise Allah! Number 80!"

[thedrifter]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Male Professions and Why

1. Doctor. Because he says, "Take off your clothes."

2. Dentist. Because he says, "Open Wide."

3. Hairdresser. Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

4. Milkman. Because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. Interior Decorator. Because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. Banker. Because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

7. Police Officer. Because he says, "Spread 'em."

8. Mailman. Because he always delivers his package.

9. Pilot. Because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. Hunter. Because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . ."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

[thedrifter]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir. But, you'll have to stand in line for that, too

[thedrifter]

One day God and Adam were walking together in the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

[thedrifter]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replied, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walked away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and said, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation
family owned garment business met with his Board of
Directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. Sales were
down and costs were up. The owner and his wife had poured every penny
they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but
still ... things looked very precarious.

The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the
owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi. He poured out the story,
with tears running down his face about the three generations of family
sacrifice that had gone into building this once-thriving business. He
ended by asking plaintively, "So Rabbi, what should I do?"

The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and
then quietly intoned: "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach
chair, and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge.
Sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind
from the sea rifle the pages of the open Bible ..."

"Yes Rabbi ...yes?!..." encouraged the business owner, completely at a
loss for any better ideas.

"... and ven the pages stop turning in the vind I vant you should look
down at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat
you must do." pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty.

A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man)
returns to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new
$2000 handmade Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink
coat; they had driven to see the Rabbi in their brand BMW 740i Sedan.

The business owner discretely pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an
envelope to him, stuffed with money. "Rabbi" he whispered, "this is a
little something for you and your wife, and here's also a check for
$25,000. toward your congregation.".

The Rabbi, although very old,remembered the man. "So, you did vat I
said?"

"Absolutely!"

"You vent to the beach?"

"Yes I did!"

"And you sat in the beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap?"

"Yes Rabbi. Absolutely!"

"And you let the vind rifle through the pages until they stopped?"

"Absolutely!"

"And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?".

"Chapter Eleven."







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[thedrifter]

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[thedrifter]

Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop f***ing you when you're dead.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

[thedrifter]

A police officer arrived at an accident scene where, apparently, three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall downtown building. The cop suddenly notices that one of the blondes is still breathing.

So the cop approached the accident victim and asked, "Why in the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The surviving blonde answered in a very weak voice, "We just wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings."

[thedrifter]

One evening, a young buck went into a large discount store for a packet of condoms. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colors."

"I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously.

Six months later, the young guy appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?"

"The blue one!" the young man said sadly.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."

[thedrifter]

One evening, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks, Pinnochio! Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio decided to go to Gepetto to ask for his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy. That's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and asks, "So, Pinnochio, how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio replied, "Who needs girls!"

[thedrifter]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

[thedrifter]

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[wrbones]

...don't ya think!

[wrbones]

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[wrbones]

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[wrbones]

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[thedrifter]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it is his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, the clerk says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have 'Barbie Goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes Nightclubbing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the 'Divorced Barbie' $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

Last Halloween, all eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host, Peter, rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," the beautiful woman calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"

"I just got here, Peter," the redhead replied. "Give me a few minutes."

[thedrifter]

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[thedrifter]

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

[thedrifter]

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman . . . Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink," then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police . . ."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[oldcrunchie]

Then there's the story of the man who joined the Navy and they made him a corpsman. He spent 30 years in the Navy, every day of it attached to the Marines. After a long life he finally died and arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was warmly welcomed by St. Peter. St . Peter invited him inside but first Doc wanted to know just how many Marines he could expect to find. He explained how he had spent 30 years with Marines and was hoping to avoid them in heaven. St. Peter told Doc how all Marines went to hell to regroup and take over. There were absolutely no Marines in heaven. Doc was told to go on it and stroll about making himself at home. As he walked along the old anchorclanker was amazed at some of the things he saw. But as he turned a corner there loomed this huge giant of a man dressed in the finest Marine dress blues, the sunlight dancing off of the highly polished brass. Well, Doc turned and ran back out the gates to St Peter and asked him what was going on. "I thought you told me there were no Marines in heaven," said Doc. St Peter just shook his head and said, "I forgot to warn you. That was God. He likes to pretend he's good enough to be a Marine."

[wrbones]

The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:

The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."

The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."

The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."

The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."


Even more scary:

A Pfc with a badge.

A 2nd lieutenent with a map.

[wrbones]

TITLE: You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

[wrbones]

.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
yard.
If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.
If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.
If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"
If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.
If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
Foxworthy.
If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).
You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.
You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.
Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."
Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.

[wrbones]

.
Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.
You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.
Everyday at your house is a family reunion.
You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.
You've found every one of your pets.
You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You call rust a quality paint job.
If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.
Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You swerve to hit a deer.
You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.
Your momma and your dog bathe together.
The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.
You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.
Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.
You use a tire for a sled.
Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.
You got married at a monster truck rally.
Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.
Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.
You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.
You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.
You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.
You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.
You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.
You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.
If your house and your barn are the same building.
If your best crystal used to contain snuff.
You consider muskrat a gourmet food.
Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.
You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.
You take spurs to show off at your local public school.
Your toenails curl before you cut them.
Socks in bed turn you on.
You think a sieve is part of your shirt.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
You took a beer to a job interview.
You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.
Your mom is the man of the house.
You wear a bra under a strapless dress.
If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.
Your dad and your tires are both bald.
Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.
Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.
You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.
Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.
Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.
You think straight D's is the honor roll.
You think payday is when the welfare check comes.
You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.
When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.
You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.
The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.
If you have to mow your driveway.
You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.
You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.
If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".
If your backyard looks like a junkyard.
You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family.
You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.
Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.
You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.
You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.
Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You ever made change in the offering plate.
Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.
You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines".
Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.
You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.
You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.
You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.
Someone asks you the time and you say "January".
You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.
You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.
The only gold you own is in your mouth.
You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.
You are the state cow tipping champ.
Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.
You consider a six-pack life support.
You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.
Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.
Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.
Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.
You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.
You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.
You think a goat is an indoor animal.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.
The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.
Your family tree forms a wreath.
If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.
You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.
People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.
You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.
You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.
Your family tree doesn't branch.
You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.
If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.
You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.
Your wife has to shave more than you do.
If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.
You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.
Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.
You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.
You and the game warden are on a first name basis.
Your garage looks better than your house.
Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.
You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.
Your clothes are older than you.
You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
You would give up your house instead of our boat.
The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.
If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.
You use more duct tape than common sense.
You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.
You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.
You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.
Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.
"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.
You and your dog share the same name.
The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.
Your family tree consists of you and your dog.
Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.
Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.
Your dog weighs more than you do.
You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.
You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.
You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.
You think harass is two words.
After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.
You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.
Your new car is a John Deere.
You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.
While raking leave you fall out of the tree.
Your truck is higher than your house.
You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.
You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.
You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.
You go to a family reunion to meet women.
You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.

[wrbones]

You are offended by these jokes.
The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.
Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.
You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.
You think a quarterback is a refund.
You were born on a pool table.
Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language.
Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die.
Your living room wall has the flood history.
You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the day you both skipped.
You consider Rambo a classic.
You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem.
The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.
At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside.
You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm.
If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou".
If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family.
Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone.
You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.
The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name.
Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar.
Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it.
You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
Your house has no curtains but your truck does.
Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance.
You went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon.
You told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.
Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat.
When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable".
You ever held a family reunion in jail.
You have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to get more mail.
You prefer calling your sister Hun.
If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave.
If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.
You bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.
Your house pets include any form of livestock.
You consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening.
Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ
Your wife has a beard and you don't.
You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.
Your bridal registry was the local bait shop.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.
You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.
Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.
You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.
Your kid's first words were paper or plastic.
All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T
There are more than four cats living in your garage.
Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.
Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.
You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.
You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.
You've never slept with your boots off.
You go turkey hunting for hat decorations.
Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.
You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass.
You know more that 10 slang words for "breast."
You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.
You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.
Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in."
You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You've never seen a film with subtitles.
You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You follow the tractor pull circuit.
Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.
Your tires are worth more than your truck.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
You own a denim leisure suit.
Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.
You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You ever get dog hair from your belly button.
You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.
You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.
You have ever injured yourself lighting farts.
You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.
You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.
You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.
You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.
You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.
Your eye color on your driver's license in red.
You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.
You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.
You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.
You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.
Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.
Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.
You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.
Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.
You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.

[wrbones]

You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.
You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You proposed in a Denny's.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
You don't have a home phone.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "trash TV" is something in your back yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
Your deer stand has an address.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
Your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
You call your boss, "dude."
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
You think ribs come from Europe.
Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You've ever fished from over a fence.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back.
Your dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You think wild turkey should be the national bird.
Your truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window.
You brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new wide-mouth cans.
You name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection.
Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments.
You consider the tractor your 'good' car.
You leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with.
You ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date.
You got cable just for TNN.
After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue colors.
Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed.
You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.

[wrbones]

.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
This List is from http://home.epix.net/~cheitman/redneck.htm

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

..

[Barrio_rat]

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.


KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name, so we named her "Pussy Cat". The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby "El Cheap-O", and my hubby calls him "El-Take-O"!

The next day, my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many of our friends and neighbors). The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. GOD only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.......







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

Mood Ring:

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns blue.

When I'm excited it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.






Don't blame me! I got it from Flatfoot! LOL

[wrbones]

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back, "You are on the other side."
_____________________

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

________________

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
_______________

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
___________

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she
is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the
last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
_____________________

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this
to another!"
____________________

NOT BLONDE, but . . .

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from that retired Master Chief I mention from time to time!

Ya oughta see the ones he sends me that I can't post in here! LOL!

[wrbones]

International relationships


On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/
restaurant/laundry, and the woman is pregnant in order to
supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division
of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and
how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems,
and why didn't they bring a dang cell phone so they could call 911 and get
them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of
nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

Are you tired of all those mushy "friends" poems that always sound good, but never actually come
close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and
truth itself!

Friend....

When you are sad,....I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who
made you sad.

When you are blue,....I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile,....I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared,....I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,....I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to
quit your stupid-ass whining.

When you are confused,....I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick,....stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall,....I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath,...I pledge 'till the end.

Why you may ask?

Because you're my friend!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends or else you will have bad luck and go to hell and
get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you
right now anyway.

P.S. - A friend will help you move..... A really good friend will help you move a body.



__________________________________________________

[wrbones]

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day
is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad
at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound
pride."David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, then
the Marines could blast the **** out of him."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher,
"when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all
the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well
have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the researcher
replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have
a look at it."

So the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.



__________________________________________________

[wrbones]

Three Blondes Fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind
them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd
like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your
going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We
all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting
debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there
were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I
know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the
debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes
started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second
blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are
steelhead in this river?!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

Andy Rooney


1 - Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'"

2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

3 - Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4 - Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5 - Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

6 - Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7 - Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8 - Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

9 - Andy Rooney on Research: Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them

[wrbones]

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our
generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have
weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal,
layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of
economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come
together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Major
League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or
in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't
bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several
months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But
you can help!




For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically
viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the
problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and
every little bit will help!



Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player
it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida
or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more
than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a
month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will
partially replace his daily salary.



Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home
entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy
a weekend in Rio.



HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?



Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing
up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player
lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a
signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.



HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?



Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case
additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.



YES, I WANT TO HELP!



I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked
below:



[ ] Infielder



[ ] Outfielder



[ ] Starting Pitcher



[ ] Ace Pitcher



[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
team - $10 per minute)



[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)



Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the
duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have
sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own
Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for
hat).



Your Name: _______________________



Telephone Number: ____________________



Account Number: _____________________



Exp.Date:_______



[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover



Signature: _______________________



Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):



Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:_______



[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]Discover



Signature: _______________________



Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F**K-THE-FANS now to
enroll by phone ($10 per minute).



Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to,
telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Contributions are not
tax-deductible.

[wrbones]

This one is from gylancaster, also!




Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna
be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words
sound like a ceremony . . .YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built
up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT
Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was
JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let
the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with
us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

[thedrifter]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided that they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"

The second old man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

[thedrifter]

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck . . ." And the farmer shot him.

[thedrifter]

Comebacks To the Age Old Question
"Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

1.You haven't asked yet.

2.I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3.What? And spoil my great sex life?

4.Nobody would believe me in white.

5.Because I just love hearing this question.

6.Just lucky, I guess.

7.It gives my mother something to live for.

8.My fiancee' is awaiting parole.

9.I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10.Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11.I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12.It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13.I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14.Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15.My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16.I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.

17.They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18.I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19.I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20.What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21.We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

22.I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23.Why aren't you thin?

24.I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25.(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

[thedrifter]

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, when she suddenly realized that she had forgotten to bring her wedding shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately, they were a bit too small. By the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and bridegroom Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, "Goodness, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin!"

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last, Edward said, "My Goodness. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

[oldcrunchie]

An Irish Toast

A good Irishman, Patrick O'Reilly met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as
to who could make the best toast. Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer and
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went Home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?" John replied, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife!"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Patrick!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John toasting buddies on the Street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know that Patrick
won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?" She said,

"Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's Only been there
twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the
ears to make him come!'

[thedrifter]

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[oldcrunchie]

A retired Marine walked into a crowded doctor's office.
>
> As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked,
> "Yes sir, may we help you?"
> "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
>
> The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
> come into a crowded office and say things like that."
>
> "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told
> you." he said.
>
> "We do not use language like that here," she said.
> "Please go outside and come back in and say that
> there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
>
> The former Marine walked out, waited several minutes,
> thought about it and reentered. The receptionist smiled
> smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>
> "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
>
> The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is
> wrong with your ear, sir?"
>
> The Marine replied, "I can't **** out of it
>
>
>

[oldcrunchie]

Be careful what button you push

http://www.bealenet.com/~jfjoyce/BUTTON.jpg

[thedrifter]

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking that he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way that I can see the numbers."

[thedrifter]

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[thedrifter]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.

The woman noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."

[thedrifter]

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A Frenchman is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when an American sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You French folk eat the whole bread?" asks the American, with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!" replied the Frenchman.

The American blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croissants, and sell them to France."

The American has a smirk on is face. All the while, the Frenchman listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the American. "Of course!" answers the Frenchman.

The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to France."

"And, what do you Americans do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the Frenchman.

"We throw them away, of course," replies the American, with a dumbfounded look.

The Frenchman explains, "We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

[thedrifter]

"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy - I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"



(Get your mind out of the gutter, and enjoy your Thanksgiving Day meal!)

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues."

"How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time. Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates, "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top. Once in a while, I'd like to be in control."

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate, and I've always given her what she wants. What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand. It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?" asked the shrink. "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do. He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. 'Don't screw up'."

[thedrifter]

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman . . . Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink," then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police . . ."

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."

The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A man is at the office one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about the other man's sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal about it. It's only an earring," the co-worker replies rather sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" asked the man.

His co-worker replied, "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[thedrifter]

There were two nude statues, a man and a woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they had been put into place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they stepped down from their pedestals.

The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick - you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."

The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and ran off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

The angel smiled at the couple. "That was only seven minutes. Why not go back and do it again?" said the angel.

The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time. You hold down the pigeon, and I'll sh** on it."

[thedrifter]

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective March 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" $30.00 Luxury Tax
8 - 10" $25.00 Pole Tax
5 - 8" $15.00 Privilege Tax
4 - 5" $10.00 Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

* Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
* What if one's penis is self employed?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

[thedrifter]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[Kegler300]

A young man surprised his beautiful blonde wife with a new cell phone in celebration of their first anniversary. She listened excitedly as he explained to her all the features of her new phone.
The next day the blonde went shopping. While at a store shopping, her cell phone began to ring. Her husband was calling her.
Hi Hon", he said, "How do you like your new phone?"
She replied: "I just love it. It's so cute and tiny, and your voice is
clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand".
"What's that?", asked the husband.
The pretty blonde responded, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
:scared: