Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".

The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Sempers,

Roger

[SGT T]

Terrorist Suicidal Volunteers

Rated R

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

* No Hooters.

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. ****ing sand everywhere!

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More ****ing sand everywhere!

* Rags for clothes and hats.

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western."

* Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they volunteer!"

[SGT T]

He said...
"Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."

She said...
"Well you've succeeded."

[thedrifter]

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"


Sempers,

Roger

[CAS3]

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
________________________________________________
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
________________________________________________
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son
into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and told him," I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The
big sissy."
________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"




:banana:

[Gregg Doll]

I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here
are some takes on how Southern folks look at their
Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a Moon Pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You've never, never, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the
head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliquéd sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what appliqué is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (I.e. Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Billie Ruth,
Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade
33. You don't need a recipe for sweet tea.
34. Reading this makes you mad

[Barrio_rat]

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris prouldly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[thedrifter]

Why Trick-Or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1.You can DO the whole neighborhood.

[thedrifter]

One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".

The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

[thedrifter]

Jim Darnell

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd1.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd2.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd3.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd4.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd5.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd6.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd7.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd8.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd9.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd10.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd11.jpg

http://public.csusm.edu/public/netnav/semper_fi/jimd12.jpg

[wrbones]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while
they got to know each other so well, they decided to get
married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the
groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom
leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am
going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"

[thedrifter]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."



Talk About the Weather!

People who study tornadoes have twistered minds. The first scientists who studied fog were mystified. Lightning storms can be very striking. And when the fog burns off, it won't be mist.

Heavenly bodies have an attractive force. If all your troubles are melting away, watch out for the floods. You can only see the stars on a finite.

[thedrifter]

One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."




Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic...'"

[thedrifter]

"The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."




A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

http://cartoons.oneml.com/c/ms/ctms120.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://cartoons.oneml.com/c/ms/ctms072.jpg

[Barrio_rat]

Think of a letter between A and W.
.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

.

.

Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .

.

.

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

.

.

Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name

.

.

Almost there........

.

.

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

.

.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

.

.

Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

.

.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?

.

.

Of course not.......

.

.

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

[wrbones]

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover
all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All
was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once
praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same
time, this was his answer for his busy life.

Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's
personality changed. He started making passes towards
women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making
obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the
clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate
lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.

While the clone was looking at the skyline through the
telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that
was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the
building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the
police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under
arrest"?? What's the charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

[wrbones]

For Those who are Getting On in Years (And Weight) I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

[wrbones]

For Those who are Getting On in Years (And Weight) I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.


I didn't say **** about donuts, either!

[wrbones]

For his birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw
Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking
around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."



Blame BigCat!

[wrbones]

Sheer Lingerie
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.

He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie
he can find.

The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her,
saying, "Go put this on and come down to model
it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
"This thing is so see through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."


So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all
and strikes a pose.

"So, how do you like it?" she says.

"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron the damn thing!"

-----------------------------------------------
7 Dwarfs
-----------------------------------------------
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.

As he is finishing his speech on comparative
religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a
question.

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there
are not.'

'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere
in Italy?' Dopey questions.

'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no
dwarf nuns in Italy.'

'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there
any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

And softly in the background, the six remaining
dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey f***ed a
penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.'

------------------------------------------------
Big Bad Wolf
------------------------------------------------
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see
her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the
forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf
will catch you and suck your boobies dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through
the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn
back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf
finds you, he'll suck your boobies dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going
through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere
and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red
Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your boobies dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she
pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just
like the story says!"

------------------------------------------------
Q and A
------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the executive hire the prostitute
to be his secretary?
A. On her application, where it said 'last position',
she wrote 'doggie style'!

Q: What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
A: "Daaadddy, I want a Corvette!"

Q. How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
A. He read her lips.



Yep. BigCat again!

[thedrifter]

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!"

A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa."

Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!"

[thedrifter]

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

[thedrifter]

After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back."

[thedrifter]

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[Sophora]

This is classic - proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read,..... "and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:............


"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons57/getting-a-shot.jpg

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming. "Then she is alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She faked it."

[thedrifter]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Trick-Or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1.You can DO the whole neighborhood.

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a little girl was out taking a walk with her grandmother Alice, when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma Alice?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was really embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" asked the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked Grandma Alice.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they'll screw you every time!"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/animations/wag-the-pup.gif

[Barrio_rat]

An Oklahoma cowboy and a California cowboy are both riding the same circuit. They decide to pool their resources and share a truck from one rodeo to the next, saving money and getting more sleep between events. On one occation, while the OK cowboy was driving, he spotted a sheep wedged up in a fence. Well he slammed on the breaks and came to a skidding halt on the shoulder of the road. He then goes down to the sheep, takes a look around and drops his pant then proceeds to have his way with the sheep. When he was done, he looked up at the CA cowboy, who was watching in awe, and asked, 'ya want some of that?' To which the CA cowboy replied, 'sure!' So the CA cowboy goes down by the fence... looks around... drops his pants and then wedges himself up into the fence.

[wrbones]

This is cute! Enjoy..............W.


A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Oh, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses!.

[thedrifter]

After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back."

[thedrifter]

Three guys were on business trips to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright women, shoot his penis off!," said the sheik.

The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Alright women, burn his penis off!," said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman

[thedrifter]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

[thedrifter]

Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde...

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde...? Why kill a blonde... ?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

__________________________________________________ ____________

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart,
no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/animations/peeing-squirrel.gif

[thedrifter]

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

[thedrifter]

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

[thedrifter]

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy! Stupid! Idiot ... I said a RICH doctor!"

[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons50/carphone.jpg

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

http://www.speeds-cartoons.com/archives/toons50/what-else-is-new.jpg

[wrbones]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry
fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I
will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself
and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the
bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have
mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the
fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the
water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches...Some
pussy is probably in danger.

[thedrifter]

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. The young lad anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked her grandson, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup of coffee?"

Her grandson proudly replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

[thedrifter]

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"


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[thedrifter]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."

"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[thedrifter]

One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."


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Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic...'"


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"I looked up 'politics' in the dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words; 'poli,' which means many, and 'tics,' which means 'bloodsuckers.'"
-Jay Leno

[thedrifter]

http://www.funnyinside.com/images/c2.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.funnyinside.com/images/c1.jpg

[wrbones]

If yer a Yankee, don't even try it, yer accent will give ya away!






SOUTHERN PHRASES THAT WILL HELP YOU FIT IN IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as corn flakes."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help
me enjoy it."

[wrbones]

29 Reasons Why Dogs are better than Wives...

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or tell you
where to go, or that you are driving too slow or too fast.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Nordstroms or Neiman-Marcus.

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

[wrbones]

Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[thedrifter]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She sneaked by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."

[thedrifter]

It was a few days before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and Richard was ready to travel. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared irritating elevator renditions of well-known Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Richard was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real mistletoe, but a very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointy parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging." said the attendant.

Richard replied, "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

She answered, "That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" asked Richard.

After a brief pause, the attendant replied, "It's there so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

[thedrifter]

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him

[thedrifter]

Stuck in a strange city due to inclement weather, the drinker was bored. The man sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . ."

"Stop! I don't permit talk about politics in my bar." interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . ."

"No religion talk, either!" the bartender cut in.

The traveler thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Look, how about sex? Can I talk sex?"

"Sure," replied the bartender.

"Then f*** you!" said the man.


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[thedrifter]

http://thebesthumor.com/cartoons/26.jpg

[thedrifter]

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks
on
the door and the trucker lowers the window.

The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of you
load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops
for
another red light and the girl again catches up. She
knocks on the door
and
the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name
is Heather and
you
are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops
for
still another red light and the girl catches up again
all out of
breath. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she
says"Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops.....

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the
blonde girl and says:
"Hi,
my name is Andy, we`re having a snow storm and I`m
driving a SALT
TRUCK!"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and . . ."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy . . ."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[thedrifter]

Donald works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Donnie, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Donald. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Donald if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them." replies Donald.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Donald. "Hi Donnie baby," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"

Donald's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Donald follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Don."

[thedrifter]

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

[thedrifter]

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"

Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"

Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."

"What's the difference? asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A *****house gets busted by the local police department. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-ass ***** explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line, too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little old lady, and asks, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and says, "Sonny, as long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."


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[thedrifter]

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

[thedrifter]

On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami."

After a short pause and several clicks . . . "Geez. What a *****in' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

[thedrifter]

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

[thedrifter]

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman - She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.



A Male's Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.

[thedrifter]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."

"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[thedrifter]

An older Army general recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical. Before he began, the doctor asked the old general the standard questions - age, height, weight. Then the army doc asked when was the last time the general had sexual relations.

"Oh," the general mused, "It was 1945."

"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

The general replied, "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

[thedrifter]

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, without any clothes.

In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on, nevertheless to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.

At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, all covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, started to rise.

They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hold,
And filled her with passion, beyond her control.

Backward and forward, his thing did slide,
And Eves treasure, was all wet inside.

The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice.

Then through the years, people did screw,
And now it's time, for me and you.

So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass,
Cuz I'm in the mood, for a little piece of a$$!

[thedrifter]

This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."

[thedrifter]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do," she told her class, "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."


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Approaching the counter at a local post office, a kindly older gentleman said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?"

"No!" she replied testily. "I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

The subway car was packed beyond capacity. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss. That's just my pay check in my pocket," replied the guy.

"Oh really!" she spat. "Then you must really have quite some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour."

[thedrifter]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

[thedrifter]

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[thedrifter]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

How Sex is Like a Roller Coaster

You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face. Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, while some of them say, "I wanna go again!"

[thedrifter]

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes, that I could just hit her," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore





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One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[thedrifter]

Donald works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Donnie, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Donald. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Donald if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them." replies Donald.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Donald. "Hi Donnie baby," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"

Donald's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Donald follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Don."

[thedrifter]

Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well Tony," Papa said, "you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."


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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."

"When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[thedrifter]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three-hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one."

"I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, so you may as well go fishing."

[thedrifter]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, **** on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[thedrifter]

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[CplSoria]

PROOF THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "SENSITIVE GUY"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a
shelf all th